You are all amazing and I am so thankful for your support. xoxo What are some of the things people have said that you found helpful? Or other ways people could offer support? Let's keep sharing what's helpful! xoxo
I love the "I'm here for you if you need anything" but sometimes I think it can feel overwhelming - like I don't even know what I need right now. So, depending on how close you are with the person, I think sometimes it can be helpful to also offer up a specific thing. When my best friend's mom died - I told her I would take care of the laundry. It was a small but specific thing that freed up space for her. :) Love your videos Kati!!
Sometimes that I'm here for you if you need anything almost seems empty. Although it's well-meaning for the most part. Maybe just don't know what else to say. I know the good memories double and DIN the bad memories . My two oldest children's mom died when they were very young. A teacher gave me a book called The Ten good things about Barney. To help children understand and learn to deal with death. It was a lifesaver. Because I didn't know what to say to them
@Kati Morton: could you please do in the near future, a video about how do work with refugees, from the Ukraine war, that are traumatized and lost loved ones! Even as a social worker I am at a loss how to actually work with people that come out of a war, were they saw, how there loved ones have been killed or even tortured! Maybe it’s maybe not so important for people from the USA, but in Europe so many people do take refugee families in their homes and I think a video like that could be very helpful for millions of people in Europe right now! Maybe a video like this what to say and what not to say… but sure your videos are planed long ahead! So I don’t know, if you have the time to fit it in your schedule!
Kati Morton we are all thankful and appreciate all your videos and advice you give us I will always follow and support you Kati its good that you was open and shared how you are feeling with us ❤️
I lost my husband of 20 years last year. I have two small kids so they lost their amazing dad. It’s been nonstop stress. Hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. Missing my best friend every single day.
When I lost my father a friend said to me: "I'm sorry you're going through this. It will get worse for a little while but it will get better after. I promise." He was right and it helped me a lot.
Absolutely true. Another thing is, you will think about them almost everyday for rest of your life. I am 48 years old, I lost my dad when I was 39. To this day, I still go "well...dad would you do. I should ask him." in that nanosecond thought process, before realizing you can't.
My Dad died suddenly when I was 4 yrs old and an aunt said to me ‘God needs your father more then you’. That planted a feeling of being abandoned that took me decades to shed. Be very careful to what is said to a child.
I remember hearing it said not to me but in front of a sunday school class that another little girls baby sister died because god missed her too much and took her back. Which through the mind eye of a small child is just...terrifying
"Anyone who has lost a love one knows that you don't recover. Instead you learn to incorporate their absence and memories into your life and channel your emotional energy toward others and eventually, your grief will walk beside you instead of consuming you." Rashida Rowe
I’ve been grieving the loss of my best friend so thank you for this. She was 92 and my next door neighbor, but she was my best friend I loved her more than anyone.
I'm sorry for your loss. I feel the same. I lost my friend to ALS in February. She was also older than me (62 years old) but no matter what age it sucks to lose someone you love.
I have heard this said to me when my mother died: "You're an adult, get over it." That is one of the worst things you can tell anyone who has lost a parent. It doesn't matter if the son or daughter is a child, teenager or adult. We feel the loss of our parents. Terrible thing to say.
When my brother was diagnosed recently with stage 4 lung cancer, a pastor friend said that this is really a good thing because it will bring the family closer to God. He also said that this will give us all a deeper understanding of the death experience. I was horrified and not sure I will ever get over that lack of understanding and compassion.
I do hope that you will draw more on your relationship with God as you take this journey one step at a time. I am sure your pastor friend was well intentioned but unfortunately being a Christian and a pastor doesn’t mean your wise. This comment was very insensitive and lacking in wisdom and understanding though I’m sure this person loves you and cares deeply. God did NOT give you this journey but He can walk it with you and provide strength and comfort when you need it. Please give grace to your friend, I pray for your peace and that you and your family will draw closer to one another and to God, and I pray that you will find many precious moments of joy despite your circumstances. I pray for a great outcome! Xo ❤️❣️
You are as insensitive as the pastor. Who are you to use their grief to advertise for your deity? A more respectful thing to say has nothing to do with God. Something more along the lines of, I'm sorry to hear that, that must have been awful - is a more appropriate response.
A year after my mom passed away, someone told me I should be over the grieving. I wasn't, and that was really hurtful to put an expiration date on my grief. It took me years to start to feel ok about it, but I'm still grieving. I think the statement "if you need anything let me know" is disingenuous. It puts the responsibility on the person that is grieving to reach out. Checking in on them and just being there is a better option but if it's a close friend you know what they need and would be easier for them to reach out
I had someone tell me that recently about me still grieving my 51 yr old husband passing 6 yrs ago and my 31yr old daughter passing 2 yrs ago. Now she was divorced 12yrs ago and hasn't lost any children, thank goodness. So I am not real sure how she knows the grief time line.
We are never done grieving. It never leaves us, because the person never comes back. It just gets easier to carry along. Sometimes it surprises us with getting suddenly heavy, again.
I agree a 100%. I lost my mom and my dad 20 years ago when I was in my early twenties. I'm still grieving... What I learned is that time doesn't heal but teaches us to live beside the grief... It's never over... for me anyway
If you need anything let me know ...like what exactly? You should make a lost of people who said that and then phone them up everyday and ask for stuff, like milk, cigarettes, carrots, tissues.
Thanks for this. I’m 20 and my dad died from a motorcycle accident in September, my cats died soon after, and so did my grandmother. My older brother also passed away three years ago and it’s always so strange dealing with others. People often don’t know what say and they’re trying. But often, the comments can feel empty.
Omg that's hard. I hope you're doing allright and found ways to heal a bit by now. I feel your loss. Now I'll watch the video and I hope I didn't just say sth completely stupid.
I was 32 when my husband died. The comment I heard most from people was, "You're young. You'll get married again." It was like a knife going into my broken heart.
I lost my husband last year. This is one of the worst things people have said and continue to say to me... and while they believe they mean well, it doesn't help at all.
You have to be careful with that one too. If you know that they are grieving, maybe, but not everyone experiences actual grief right after a loved one dies (or at all), but they still might be having a hard time with their loss. They might even feel bad about not grieving.
my therapist who was like a family member to me died a few weeks ago, and i miss her so much. i’m still grieving, and i feel so lost without her, but your videos give me so much comfort. so i just wanted to say thank you for your videos, your kind voice and amazing personality always bring me a little peace.❤️
“It’s weird isn’t? Are you alright?” and “Ah crap, that is shit” are two of the things said to me when I lost a friend, who was 28, to cancer. Both helped as it made me realise they felt it too (even though they had a clumsy way of putting it!) and they were happy to listen. I’ve done the same with my friend who’s just lost family. Asking them what there Dad did for work, hobbies, that sort of thing. I think it helps to talk about lost ones. I know I relish the chance to to tell folk about people who I thought were great but are no longer around. And I’m always here if you need a chat. Maybe you could tell us about the stages of grief? And I’d love to hear about your Grandmother. Tell us about her if it helps.
I love that.. asking about the lost loved one. Thank you so much for sharing!! And I am more than happy to work on a video about the stages of grief :) xoxo
I lost a coworker to covid in 2021 and I can remember going to her funeral and just being so emotional not even for me but for her sister. I didn't have the words to really say but I hugged her and she squeezed me so tight back as if that was just what she needed. As I was leaving out I was saying my good-byes and my supervisor came and gave me a warm hug and I don't know if he just knew but I just became overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes a hug (in certain situations) is perfect. It's just your way of saying, "I'm here."
I lost my daughter at 24 weeks and the most important thing for me has always been people acknowledging that sometimes the time you have together does not always=the depth and importance of your relationship together Thanks Kati
There is a lady in my grief support group that says, "This to shall pass". This gets on my last nerve! Grief never passes. It changes but never goes completely away! I lost both my parents, brother and most recently my 29 year old son. What do you think about this comment?
Yeah, it's also invalidating because even if the frequency or intensity "passes" like that isn't the point right, it invalidates what I'm feeling right now, like absolute hell. And the reality that is so hard to accept right now... it "passing" and more future without them is NOT a good idea to me. And it sort of feels like the other person is placating /themselves/ sometimes even though sometimes it is actually said with good intentions. I think though that most people are shit with things like this so i do try to explain why it didnt come off okay.
The police offer that came to our house when my Dad suddenly passed said that exact thing *while* they were picking his body up. Come oooon. But then again, there is some truth to it. I'm glad grief changes over time. I hope it's not tasteless to ask or phrase it that way but losing so many loved ones...how do you even carry on with everything?
@@ladyvader3173 it has not been easy to carry on! I fortunately have a wonderful church family. They have never once told me to "come on, get over it". These deaths all took place within about the last 6 years. I will be honest. When my son passed away totally unexpected I went into a deep depression. I was even suicidal. Plan and all! With all my family gone I had nothing. I sought out at my pastor's suggestion a therapist that focuses on grief. It has literally saved my life. Everyday is still a struggle! I have to hold on to people and not be afraid to be honest about my feelings with them.
@@kellihastings5987 Wow, that is rough.. I'm glad you are here still and wish you all the best in dealing with this struggle, one stranger to another. And your pastor sounds like a good man.
Love this video. Also a reminder to those who feel ashamed to grieve someone who isn’t deceased: it’s okay, you can grieve someone who you’ve lost who hasn’t passed. Grief doesn’t only apply to those who have lost someone to death. Grief is defined as “deep sorrow” or a “response to loss.” Any loss is a loss.
We love you Kati! #4 pissed me off especially when my aunt died at 51. She had so much life left in her and I was so angry that cancer took her too soon.
Anger was a big part of what I felt when my mom died. She had so much weight to carrying by still taking care of her grown son, his daughter and her 3 kids!! A few others in my family took advantage of her kindness. I know those things caused her stress. I didn't tell them off like I wanted. My son and daughter listened to me. I was surprised by having anger as a first response.❤️
8 weeks ago, I suddenly lost my husband of 44 years. “I’m sorry for your loss,” is said by everyone. I would have rather had them say, “He was a great guy and I’ll miss his smile……or…..”Can we talk in a couple of weeks” (The grieving person needs to hear other people talking about the loss). SO DON’T FORGET TO CALL OR STOP FOR A VISIT. When you are at the funeral home, there is no time to tell stories as others are waiting to pay their respects. BESIDES…..I’m SURE THATS WHAT EVERYONE SAID “I’m sorry for your loss.” I really don’t remember, I was in such a state of shock, I hardly remember anything.
I always struggled at what words to say, and then one day I just said, "There are no words I can say to easy your pain, but know I understand your grief."
Oh Kati ❤️ I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma. I also thank you for this video because despite losing a number of loved ones I never know what to say other than I’m so sorry. I’ve also told people that the pain is unreal but that it will get easier as time goes on. When my brother died, right before I woke up by the coroner knocking on my door, my brother came to me and told me, “it’s not going to be easy but I promise that you will eventually be okay” when I opened the door I immediately asked the coroners investigator how my brother died. This was before he identified himself. He asked if someone called me and I said no, but my brother came to me. The man lost the color in his face and asked to sit down. I don’t think many people believe that my brother came to me but he did.
When my Grandmother was nearing the end of her life I had no phone. I had dreams about the home she had lived in all her life being emptied. And then she came to me in my sleep and said Goodbye. I was so moved I woke up in the dim light of a breaking day. And there was a knock on my door. It was my neighbor who had a phone and been called by my parents to share the sorrowful news. I hear it said the reason we feel the pain of death of our loved ones is our souls are connected. I believe you. I know . When my son's father was getting close to his death I said " the veil between heaven and earth is very thin over my house" Following his sweet soft drift away...a Good Death... I discovered there is no veil. Bereavement is not a thing we learn or get mastery , it seems to me the human body and mind shuts down for the duration to survive the overwhelming pain . The good habits sort of propel us , if we can get up at all. And it takes its own time...moments of durable suspended minutes hours days months and miserable bouts of grieving anguish. Thanks in my heart to everyone who spoke to me, whatever they said, and included me by calling, the meals, the walks. The arms that wrapped around me and shared the miracle of life love compassion and understanding. Then one day...sitting in the spectacular beauty of another breaking day...I was surprised to discover my own natural inclination to be happy had turned up again. Maybe what my Mom said over and over helped. She said " remember the happy times" She said , with her glorious movie star best sincere smile " The day I die will be a happy day because that's the day I go to be with Jesus!" ( It was not " happy" for us...we were trauma victims . But bless her heart she said what every mother alive wants for her children . Be happy for me). Live and tell the tale.
Thank you so very much Katie… I appreciate the years that you have ALREADY dedicated to helping so many people through your platform. Refreshingly authentic! Wishing you health, comfort and wellness.
My most vivid memory of my dad's funeral was one of my boy scout leaders, who had recently lost his dad as well, coming up to me, looking me straight in the eyes, and simply saying "It *sucks*" with the full weight of his own grief. He wasn't explaining that he knew how I felt. He was acknowledging that wherever I was in grief... it was a place of tremendous pain and that it must feel truly awful. I was 13 at the time, and after hearing so many "I'm sorry for your losses" it meant so much for an adult to just be candid with me. I don't know if other people would feel the same way if that was said to them, but I think there really is something to someone simply acknowledging how shitty a situation is that helps lighten the crushing feelings even a little.
Ty so much for this video. I’ve watched your videos for years as I work with adults with multiple diagnosis and I feel your videos are insightful, informative and upbeat. But this I really needed to hear and share . I lost my father two months ago, and I am deeply mourning him. He was a great man, a great friend, a great example to everyone he touched of what a Christian looks like, not by his words ( although they too helped as he was a retired chaplain) but by his quit simple way he accepted people, really listened to people, and showed Gods love through his every day life
The beginning of this video is beautiful. My heart goes out to you and your entire family. There’s next to no words that can truly encapsulate the pain and ache you experience when you lose someone so close to you. You put it beautifully, community really can help heal parts of you that you don’t even know how to ask for help mending. Thank you for sharing such personal information and being open about such an intimate and raw pain. Sending so much love your way ❤️
Having things/troubles in common might be the most important way to feel validated and feel less alone, so thank you so much for sharing- it helps others and is so selfless. You are amazing.
I appreciate this so much. When my grandma died, I had a really hard time and still am. There were things said to me that still haunt me, but they came from someone who didn't have good intentions. On a more positive note, a coworker randomly started playing/singing Que Será, Será at work the next day. My grandma sang that song all the time. This person had no idea and never played it around me before
So sorry for your loss! I just lost my dad about 2 weeks ago, and the comments “I know how you feel” and sharing their loss stories were actually comforting to me to let me know I’m not alone as I don’t have a family to share the grief with.
The one I hated the most was "They're in a better place now." It cut me in so many ways. My mom loved her kids and we loved her. How was a place where we were not with her better? One of the nicest things I heard after the loss of my brother, who had schizophrenia, was that his soul was free of that and will receive a higher place in heaven. PLEASE! When someone loses a furkid, don't act like the age of their pet shocks you. Just because they had their pet 12, 15 or 18 years does not mean the pet lived too long. Or imply that. Yes, that may be a long time but it wasn't long enough. The most comforting thing I was told after losing a pet and what I share with others now was The pain is in equal proportion to the joy they gave.
I haven’t finished the video, but you nailed the fur babies part!!! It already sucks they don’t live long enough as it is💁🏼♀️ My first dog I got as an adult had to be euthanized a little after a year old and it was my fault, then I let family tak me into getting a puppy to help my ex fiancé’s dog grieve not having the one I failed… I had learned what I did wrong with my baby Lil Vinyny (the one who was euthanized) to make sure to train the newest member, Kylee to be friendly with all ages of people and all pets. 6 months later My ex and I lost my ex fiancé’s dog and Kylee… It wasn’t my fault that time at least, but devastating even though one was only a year and one was 5…. After that experience although I spoiled them and usually took them everywhere with me when I could and they died wayyyy too young, I couldn’t imagine thinking and actually saying “at least they lived that long”… I mean the more time you have with a fur baby, the more memories and the harder I imagine it has to be without them… and some people just flat out aren’t fortunate enough to understand the connection to fur family… But yeah I’m going to finish the video before responding to anything else you said Edit:still haven’t finished the video and am I kinda all over the place with my thoughts because I just lost my big brother and my attention span was hot garbage before that… YOU NAILED IT WITH THE JOY THEY GAVE PART!!! I think I was trying to say that originally but couldn’t find the words until I reread the end of your comment. Thank you! :)
As a medical doctor, it's so important to be able to break bad news or comfort people. I am surrounded by a lot of religious/spiritual people at work, so I usually just wish them comfort and ease through this difficult time with prayers and support. The dead people are gone to whatever afterlife is real but being compassionate to the people who are left behind is what's important. Sometimes just being present when a family is grieving is enough
Most doctors are jerks …my doctor downplayed mum’s death by saying “ I have seen a thousand of these and most don’t end well “ total A-hole but his turn is coming .Everyone eventually loses their mum .I only wish I could be there to tell him the same silly remark
When my mom passed away two years ago I've been told a lot of this kind of stuff. Sometimes people's words were so awkward or stupid it's hard to believe. I think people just don't know what is appropriate to say (or not say) because we kind of avoid the topic of death in our daily lives and we're not educated to deal with. So, your video is really important.
First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you had good support ever since, from friends and family. I guess often people just want to say something supportive but don't realise how their words make others feel. From personal experience I often find it hard to say the right thing even when someone is "normal" sad or crying for other reasons than grief. Especially in times of covid where you can't just go hug your friends and family but have to use words to express compassion I think many people feel unsure of how to be there and support their loved ones. At least that's what I eperienced. I also hope this video helps people to change perspective and find a good way to be more compassionate with their words. I hope, Amelie, I didn't say anything offensive or upsetting. Just wanted to share some thoughts/experiences on the subject :)
When my Partner died, people were surprised when i said he was in a better place as i had seen him suffer terribly before he died so it was a relief but it reassured them that i was ok about what had happened and that it came from me. People do say things that are well meant because they feel they would rather say something than not at all and think they are not being caring. It is a tricky one.
@@TinaMey Hi Tina, thanks for your comment ! I don't blame people for their awkward words - I understand they meant well. What I wanted to say is that we often don't have the correct words or tools to help people because nobody teaches us that. So this video is really great.
@@racheldemain1940 Hi Rachel. First of all I'm very sorry for your loss and what your partner had to go through. I totally agree with your comment. Personally, reading the book "The Grief Recovery Handbook" helped me a lot with understanding why people sometimes said really strange or awkward things.
You have helped me so much during the pandemic. I haven't gotten to see my therapist as much and she's as demonstrative as you. Therapists that break the fourth wall are so needed.
Kati! Thank you for the vulnerability and the vulnerability hang over term.please it's okay to cry and no one thinks any different of you. Stay fabulous 😘
"I'm sorry for your loss" is awesome in its simplicity. I've experienced the effect of it in both directions. I think I'd combine it with the second half of your favorite and say, "I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm here for you" and be available to listen to whatever they need to say about the one they lost or how they're feeling. (I agree with what you said about "I know how you feel," but "I can't imagine how you feel" sounds to me like they could be saying they don't want to know or couldn't relate.)
I remember when my 1/2 sister called me and left me a message after OUR maternal grandmother passed, she said ‘’ sorry for your loss’’. I was horrified. It was her grandmother too. I loved our grandmother more than anyone ever. It was a completely inappropriate thing to say. Heartless. As you said in this video, it only works with someone you don’t know well. Good for co workers and casual acquaintances. Needless, to say …relationship over with the half sister, for that comment and many other reasons.
When my daughter passed away, one “friend” said: “be glad you have a big family. (My parents and only sibling have passed….2 in devastating ways). You have 2 other children. Think about me…..I only have one daughter and if something happened to her I would have no other child”. Needless to say, I can forgive her total ignorance and lack of empathy, but have written that woman out of my life!
It hurts...It may never hurt less. You may over time become stronger under the burden of the hurt so you carry it better, But It still may hurt the same. Love never goes away.
I didn't know you had lost your Grandma - I've been off the grid for a while - I am so, so sorry for your loss. Today was the 4th anniversary of my Mum's passing, & I am still grieving. Please don't worry about us, on TH-cam - take gentle care of yourself, in your own time. Love to you & your family. xoxo
I had a guy who I hadn’t spoken too since high school DM me about 4 days after my mom passed. He asked me out on a date and when I told him the circumstances of no, he then proceeded to say “well when you get over that, let me know” Glad to say I blocked him immediately
Oh Kati, thank you so much for sharing this. I think I've gotten all of those comments including ones where people have chastised me for grieving "too long" over my mother. But the truth is that she was my best friend and my heart is broken. I don't think I'll ever be the same. And, I'm ok with that. It has been an entire year since her death and I still feel like I'm having to fight the whole world to protect myself in a very vulnerable period. It's amazing how little our society offers support to those who are grieving and how little they truly understand it. It's a breath of fresh air to find others who are going through what I'm going through. It doesn't take the pain away, but it does make me feel less alone.
I hope you’re taking care of you and keeping the idea of more or longer breaks. Please be good to you. 💜 My fiancé died two years ago and I heard most of these. Wishing you as much peace as available.
I have been married twice and both of my partners have died in my arms. The pain was and still is unbearable but I consider myself fortunate that I was there at the time. I could not sleep for weeks until I had some very good advice from my local GP. She said the reason for my not sleeping was that I was frightened that when I awoke I would have forgotten the last words we had spoken together. she told to sit down and write down everything I could remember about those last few hours. Every word, every action. touch scent and so on. When I felt I had finished to put it an envelope, seal it and put it away safely so that I could read it anytime if I so wished. It did help and I would recommend it to any one who is grieving for their partner.
Thank you so much for sharing this and opening up about your own losses. I'm so sorry you lost your grandmother, and so sorry about your father as well. I lost my mom last year, and all of your shoulds and should nots are definitely very relatable to me. The most helpful thing anyone's said to me since my mom died is just admitting "this sucks so much, I'm so sorry." Just acknowledging that it is NOT ok, and there doesn't have to be a bright side. Sure, I can tell myself it was her time to go, or she's happier where she is now, but if someone else says it TO me... NOPE. So thank you ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for all your videos. I have learnt so much. I'm guessing these last two were probably the hardest for you. Cherish all the beautiful memories of your grandmother 🥰
Brilliant video Kati. My mum died when I was 13 and I got told I mustn’t cry. I must be strong for my brothers and sisters. This unhelpful piece of information kept me stuck for years. I went on to lose my brother, then sister, then father and 3 miscarriages. Having worked through my grief over a number of years I have turned my pain to purpose. I am now passionate about training people struggling with grief how to get the knowledge, tools and processes to handle it resourcefully so they avoid years of pain. Thank you for all you are doing to provide support to grievers ❣️
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your comments regarding your grief. I am a Bereavement Minister and I know how hard it is for so many people, and I have found that what you said about just being present to them, and not have to worry about saying the right thing is good advice. But a touch, a hug, letting them know they are not alone, and checking in with them in a week, and continue to check in in the weeks ahead is a good thing. Sometimes just holding them when they are crying helps them feel not alone. Support groups may be helpful if they feel they need additional support. Validation is what most people want, and saying that you want to help them move "forward", and not saying they will get over it or it will pass because they may hurt them. Thank you for your great video.
Thanks, Katie for helping others, while grieving yourself. I am truly sorry for the pain and loss you are feeling. I must admit that I detest that saying: "that everything happens for a reason". And I reply back: " it doesn't mean that reason is good or justified". And that usually causes the amateur "philosopher" to go silent.
It totally sucks because I hate all of these as well, but I also cannot think of one single thing you can say to anyone that's just had someone they truly love die. There are literally no words.
I personally don’t like “I’m sorry for your loss” as a response because it feels like they’re saying that just to say it and that they don’t really care. Again, this is a personal opinion and it might be because of my past experiences with grief.
One thing I've found, having sadly lost both parents now, is that after the funeral is over people will stop talking about the person you've lost. I believe it comes from a good place, they don't want to upset you, but it feels strange. I truly believe that nobody is completely gone while they still live on in memories and some of the most healing times are sharing stories about that person, daft or deep it doesn't matter. Just talking about them helps.
Thank you for sharing this - my own mother passed about a week ago now, and part of me dreads going back to work as I know I'll have well-meaning coworkers saying variations of these for a time and I honestly just don't know how I'll handle it. But this kinda helps me prepare and brings comfort, and at least I will feel less awkward when I have to be on the other side of someone's grieving.
Same here my.dad.passed.on the 19th of April .I don't have an office to go to but just bringing the kids to school football etc .but day by day is all we can do .sorry for your. Loss 💓
I Heard most of these when my mum died, me and my sister had to come to terms that she passed, move out of our family home of 20yrs and had her funeral in the space of a month the stress was real, everyone else thought they knew what was best ( us being 18&19 ) it kind of just went in one ear out the other, great video as always stay strong we love you xoxo
Thanks miss. I’m grieving with my grandma’s loss for a year now, meanwhile i was abuse with a narc family member. I wasn’t able to process one at time. Its hard but it gets better.
Great video, between my husband and myself, in the last 10 years we have lost 12 people close to us, from parents, best friends, and extended family. The lateest being my brother unexpectedly 6 months ago. Having only delt with loss of distant family years ago, i had not experenced real grief until my bff passed, followed by my mother a year later. Since then 10 years ago, to this latest loss, i have found i grieve very different every time. This latest being the absolute hardest. Unexpected passing of someone so close has me all messed up. I do find i hid my grief, and shut down....aside from my husband sometimes. I agree with "im so sorry for your loss" that for me is the best to recieve, as i dont want to talk about it, and it keeps me from having to have any real response, and with having had so much loss, and being a very empathetic person. I truly mean it when i say it to someone. But if you do mean what you say by "let me know if i can do anything" Just do something, dont say that, because the state they are in they are not going to ask. Ask around to people close to them, see if you can make a meal, watch the kids, clean, or just send flowers or a coffee. Just do something dont ask. And definetly dont say it if you dont mean it.
My dad passed away last fall from CHF, he was 94. My 18yo daughter took it very hard. As the weeks went by she began to feel even worse as everyone around her was adjusting to the loss but she was still grieving. I consoled her by telling her that everyone is different and grieves for as long as they need to. It was still hard for her. We still check in with one another every now and again. Share a fond memory and have a chuckle. But shed a tear or two as well. Thank you for this Katie. Wishing you hugs and smiles!
Praying that we all continue to find and live in ways that help us to cope and move through the rest of our lives without our loved ones. It hurts like hell
In a different light someone I was not very fond of passed away 8/2020. I couldn’t attend the service to support my dear sister as I wanted Thanks to the pandemic. I chose to send flowers - but wow what sentiment should be there? It took a little time but I came up with “thank you for loving my sister so well”. As with verbally making a statement the written comments need to reflect heartfelt support as well. Kati, I’m truly sorry for your loss. I have appreciated you little stories of your relationship throughout the years.
(I was saying the you're so brave one sometimes and would follow that with what they were brave for, which was for taking the hard steps after the loss or for sharing their grief with me, but it makes sense that it is invalidating, and I hadn't thought about it that way.)
I’ve just hit the notification bell as I think you give some great advice Kati. I am a human being with autism and I have been suffering with anxiety, depression and intrusive thoughts. I am currently on a waiting list for CBT as well.
Excellent! Thank you so much for this video. I am a Hospice RN; I work nights on/call and inserted into a variety of grieving situations at all hours of the afternoon/night/morning. I usually first start out with...I am so sorry for your loss... here is what the process is usually going to look like, and please tell me what your pace is for calling the coroner, the Funeral Home, and pickup time. Loved ones are usually surprised at how long it takes for all these steps to take place; I tell them time frames for how long these steps take. I ask them to write down or ask me any questions they have, since I am in the home or facility for at least a few hours for the entire process. It is gratifying to me to provide order and a sense of direction and calm when of course such a loss has taken place
I loved hearing stories about my Mom and oddly I really felt comfort when hearing stories of how other people's families had passed, I thought that was kind of an odd one. My Mom is the first person I physically witnessed pass away and we had a very special experience--hospice nurses are angels. But just hearing another person's process really helped me feel not alone. The moments of grief shift. Times I just think about her just to hold on to every bit of memories that I possibly can. My Mom and I used to go do things together of course and I've thought about maybe going and still doing those things as if she was still there and spending that time every once in a while and imagining that she's there. It sounds a little sad when I think about it, but I do like the idea of doing little things that we did together while thinking about her to dedicate time holding her in my heart. I miss my Mom so much
You are all amazing and I am so thankful for your support. xoxo What are some of the things people have said that you found helpful? Or other ways people could offer support? Let's keep sharing what's helpful! xoxo
I love the "I'm here for you if you need anything" but sometimes I think it can feel overwhelming - like I don't even know what I need right now. So, depending on how close you are with the person, I think sometimes it can be helpful to also offer up a specific thing. When my best friend's mom died - I told her I would take care of the laundry. It was a small but specific thing that freed up space for her. :) Love your videos Kati!!
Sometimes that I'm here for you if you need anything almost seems empty. Although it's well-meaning for the most part. Maybe just don't know what else to say. I know the good memories double and DIN the bad memories . My two oldest children's mom died when they were very young. A teacher gave me a book called The Ten good things about Barney. To help children understand and learn to deal with death. It was a lifesaver. Because I didn't know what to say to them
I never received anything helpful or supportive
@Kati Morton: could you please do in the near future, a video about how do work with refugees, from the Ukraine war, that are traumatized and lost loved ones! Even as a social worker I am at a loss how to actually work with people that come out of a war, were they saw, how there loved ones have been killed or even tortured! Maybe it’s maybe not so important for people from the USA, but in Europe so many people do take refugee families in their homes and I think a video like that could be very helpful for millions of people in Europe right now! Maybe a video like this what to say and what not to say… but sure your videos are planed long ahead! So I don’t know, if you have the time to fit it in your schedule!
Kati Morton we are all thankful and appreciate all your videos and advice you give us I will always follow and support you Kati its good that you was open and shared how you are feeling with us ❤️
I lost my husband of 20 years last year. I have two small kids so they lost their amazing dad. It’s been nonstop stress. Hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. Missing my best friend every single day.
When I lost my father a friend said to me: "I'm sorry you're going through this. It will get worse for a little while but it will get better after. I promise." He was right and it helped me a lot.
My friend just lost her Mom. I gave her the same advice. I wish someone would have told me that when I lost my Mom.
Sometimes that honesty is very helpful.
Absolutely true. Another thing is, you will think about them almost everyday for rest of your life. I am 48 years old, I lost my dad when I was 39. To this day, I still go "well...dad would you do. I should ask him." in that nanosecond thought process, before realizing you can't.
The pain becomes less but never goes away. You were one of the few who were lucky enough to have known them
Personally I don’t think mine ever got better .. or ever will .. but you learn to accept it and live with it
My Dad died suddenly when I was 4 yrs old and an aunt said to me ‘God needs your father more then you’. That planted a feeling of being abandoned that took me decades to shed. Be very careful to what is said to a child.
I remember hearing it said not to me but in front of a sunday school class that another little girls baby sister died because god missed her too much and took her back. Which through the mind eye of a small child is just...terrifying
"Anyone who has lost a love one knows that you don't recover. Instead you learn to incorporate their absence and memories into your life and channel your emotional energy toward others and eventually, your grief will walk beside you instead of consuming you." Rashida Rowe
I’ve been grieving the loss of my best friend so thank you for this. She was 92 and my next door neighbor, but she was my best friend I loved her more than anyone.
This is so beautiful
Hugs 💜
So sorry you lost your best friend.
........
I'm sorry for your loss. I feel the same. I lost my friend to ALS in February. She was also older than me (62 years old) but no matter what age it sucks to lose someone you love.
I have heard this said to me when my mother died: "You're an adult, get over it." That is one of the worst things you can tell anyone who has lost a parent. It doesn't matter if the son or daughter is a child, teenager or adult. We feel the loss of our parents. Terrible thing to say.
When my brother was diagnosed recently with stage 4 lung cancer, a pastor friend said that this is really a good thing because it will bring the family closer to God. He also said that this will give us all a deeper understanding of the death experience. I was horrified and not sure I will ever get over that lack of understanding and compassion.
I do hope that you will draw more on your relationship with God as you take this journey one step at a time. I am sure your pastor friend was well intentioned but unfortunately being a Christian and a pastor doesn’t mean your wise. This comment was very insensitive and lacking in wisdom and understanding though I’m sure this person loves you and cares deeply. God did NOT give you this journey but He can walk it with you and provide strength and comfort when you need it. Please give grace to your friend, I pray for your peace and that you and your family will draw closer to one another and to God, and I pray that you will find many precious moments of joy despite your circumstances. I pray for a great outcome! Xo ❤️❣️
You are as insensitive as the pastor. Who are you to use their grief to advertise for your deity? A more respectful thing to say has nothing to do with God. Something more along the lines of, I'm sorry to hear that, that must have been awful - is a more appropriate response.
A year after my mom passed away, someone told me I should be over the grieving. I wasn't, and that was really hurtful to put an expiration date on my grief. It took me years to start to feel ok about it, but I'm still grieving.
I think the statement "if you need anything let me know" is disingenuous. It puts the responsibility on the person that is grieving to reach out. Checking in on them and just being there is a better option but if it's a close friend you know what they need and would be easier for them to reach out
I had someone tell me that recently about me still grieving my 51 yr old husband passing 6 yrs ago and my 31yr old daughter passing 2 yrs ago.
Now she was divorced 12yrs ago and hasn't lost any children, thank goodness. So I am not real sure how she knows the grief time line.
THIS
We are never done grieving. It never leaves us, because the person never comes back. It just gets easier to carry along. Sometimes it surprises us with getting suddenly heavy, again.
I agree a 100%. I lost my mom and my dad 20 years ago when I was in my early twenties. I'm still grieving... What I learned is that time doesn't heal but teaches us to live beside the grief... It's never over... for me anyway
If you need anything let me know ...like what exactly? You should make a lost of people who said that and then phone them up everyday and ask for stuff, like milk, cigarettes, carrots, tissues.
Thanks for this. I’m 20 and my dad died from a motorcycle accident in September, my cats died soon after, and so did my grandmother. My older brother also passed away three years ago and it’s always so strange dealing with others. People often don’t know what say and they’re trying. But often, the comments can feel empty.
Omg that's hard. I hope you're doing allright and found ways to heal a bit by now. I feel your loss. Now I'll watch the video and I hope I didn't just say sth completely stupid.
Sorry to hear about your losses. My dad also passed suddenly when I was 20.
I was 32 when my husband died. The comment I heard most from people was, "You're young. You'll get married again." It was like a knife going into my broken heart.
I lost my husband last year. This is one of the worst things people have said and continue to say to me... and while they believe they mean well, it doesn't help at all.
How does anyone even think that's helpful? Like, they're just telling that person their loved one is replaceable
Yes! I had a similar experience a few weeks ago right after the loss of my husband. It was hurtful.
"Grief is an expression of love". Grants permission to feel and express that grief.
You have to be careful with that one too. If you know that they are grieving, maybe, but not everyone experiences actual grief right after a loved one dies (or at all), but they still might be having a hard time with their loss. They might even feel bad about not grieving.
I find that saying ‘’I ‘m so sorry for your loss’’ has been used so much in the last few years, that it has sort of lost its impact.
When my father died, many people would tell me how much they loved and appreciated him. It was a testimony to him and a kind way of support.
I love this too ❤️
my therapist who was like a family member to me died a few weeks ago, and i miss her so much. i’m still grieving, and i feel so lost without her, but your videos give me so much comfort. so i just wanted to say thank you for your videos, your kind voice and amazing personality always bring me a little peace.❤️
I'm sorry :( I know how close the therapeutic relationship can be, and it must feel painful to have such an important person in your life gone.
@@LindaQueLeenda she really, truly was the most amazing person i’ve ever known🤍
@@d-a-i-s-ywhat the fuck
My dad has died recently and my family still in grieving time. Thank you for this video ❤
I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad this video was helpful :) xxoo
I’m so sorry… me too. 💕
I am so sorry!
Lost my father recently too. He was hit by another driver who ran a red light.
@@felixcat9455 So sorry for your loss.
“It’s weird isn’t? Are you alright?” and “Ah crap, that is shit” are two of the things said to me when I lost a friend, who was 28, to cancer. Both helped as it made me realise they felt it too (even though they had a clumsy way of putting it!) and they were happy to listen. I’ve done the same with my friend who’s just lost family. Asking them what there Dad did for work, hobbies, that sort of thing. I think it helps to talk about lost ones. I know I relish the chance to to tell folk about people who I thought were great but are no longer around. And I’m always here if you need a chat. Maybe you could tell us about the stages of grief? And I’d love to hear about your Grandmother. Tell us about her if it helps.
I love that.. asking about the lost loved one. Thank you so much for sharing!! And I am more than happy to work on a video about the stages of grief :) xoxo
I love that asking about the lives one! Getting to share happy memories is a way to help keep my dad alive with me.
@@Katimorton are my comment even showing up.i am getting reactions ethir from anyone.
@@Katimorton That will be so helpful
@@shakurwonders5216 TV .
I lost a coworker to covid in 2021 and I can remember going to her funeral and just being so emotional not even for me but for her sister. I didn't have the words to really say but I hugged her and she squeezed me so tight back as if that was just what she needed.
As I was leaving out I was saying my good-byes and my supervisor came and gave me a warm hug and I don't know if he just knew but I just became overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes a hug (in certain situations) is perfect. It's just your way of saying, "I'm here."
I lost my daughter at 24 weeks and the most important thing for me has always been people acknowledging that sometimes the time you have together does not always=the depth and importance of your relationship together Thanks Kati
I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma. My dad died recently and this video was very helpful. Grief is so difficult 😞
There is a lady in my grief support group that says, "This to shall pass". This gets on my last nerve! Grief never passes. It changes but never goes completely away! I lost both my parents, brother and most recently my 29 year old son. What do you think about this comment?
Yeah, it's also invalidating because even if the frequency or intensity "passes" like that isn't the point right, it invalidates what I'm feeling right now, like absolute hell. And the reality that is so hard to accept right now... it "passing" and more future without them is NOT a good idea to me. And it sort of feels like the other person is placating /themselves/ sometimes even though sometimes it is actually said with good intentions. I think though that most people are shit with things like this so i do try to explain why it didnt come off okay.
The police offer that came to our house when my Dad suddenly passed said that exact thing *while* they were picking his body up. Come oooon. But then again, there is some truth to it. I'm glad grief changes over time. I hope it's not tasteless to ask or phrase it that way but losing so many loved ones...how do you even carry on with everything?
@@ladyvader3173 it has not been easy to carry on! I fortunately have a wonderful church family. They have never once told me to "come on, get over it". These deaths all took place within about the last 6 years. I will be honest. When my son passed away totally unexpected I went into a deep depression. I was even suicidal. Plan and all! With all my family gone I had nothing. I sought out at my pastor's suggestion a therapist that focuses on grief. It has literally saved my life. Everyday is still a struggle! I have to hold on to people and not be afraid to be honest about my feelings with them.
@@kellihastings5987 Wow, that is rough.. I'm glad you are here still and wish you all the best in dealing with this struggle, one stranger to another. And your pastor sounds like a good man.
I feel like it’s not the grief that passes, but the acuteness of any given moment that will also pass.
Love this video. Also a reminder to those who feel ashamed to grieve someone who isn’t deceased: it’s okay, you can grieve someone who you’ve lost who hasn’t passed. Grief doesn’t only apply to those who have lost someone to death. Grief is defined as “deep sorrow” or a “response to loss.” Any loss is a loss.
Noah- this is so true. Divorce can create this same grief. The loss of someone you loved. For sure, lots of types of grief from a loss.....
We love you Kati! #4 pissed me off especially when my aunt died at 51. She had so much life left in her and I was so angry that cancer took her too soon.
Ughhh!! Right?!?! The worst! I am so sorry for your loss. xoxoo
Anger was a big part of what I felt when my mom died. She had so much weight to carrying by still taking care of her grown son, his daughter and her 3 kids!! A few others in my family took advantage of her kindness. I know those things caused her stress. I didn't tell them off like I wanted. My son and daughter listened to me.
I was surprised by having anger as a first response.❤️
8 weeks ago, I suddenly lost my husband of 44 years. “I’m sorry for your loss,” is said by everyone. I would have rather had them say, “He was a great guy and I’ll miss his smile……or…..”Can we talk in a couple of weeks” (The grieving person needs to hear other people talking about the loss). SO DON’T FORGET TO CALL OR STOP FOR A VISIT. When you are at the funeral home, there is no time to tell stories as others are waiting to pay their respects. BESIDES…..I’m SURE THATS WHAT EVERYONE SAID “I’m sorry for your loss.” I really don’t remember, I was in such a state of shock, I hardly remember anything.
A little over a year and I still can barely breathe when I think about my Dad. I loved him more than anyone in the world.
I miss him so much.
I'm sorry for your loss. He sounds like a wonderful man.
I always struggled at what words to say, and then one day I just said, "There are no words I can say to easy your pain, but know I understand your grief."
Ironically enough I just sent a compassionate message to a grieving friend today. Glad I chose good words for them.
xoxo
Oh Kati ❤️ I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma. I also thank you for this video because despite losing a number of loved ones I never know what to say other than I’m so sorry. I’ve also told people that the pain is unreal but that it will get easier as time goes on. When my brother died, right before I woke up by the coroner knocking on my door, my brother came to me and told me, “it’s not going to be easy but I promise that you will eventually be okay” when I opened the door I immediately asked the coroners investigator how my brother died. This was before he identified himself. He asked if someone called me and I said no, but my brother came to me. The man lost the color in his face and asked to sit down. I don’t think many people believe that my brother came to me but he did.
Yes, friends come to me and we have a short conversation
When my Grandmother was nearing the end of her life I had no phone.
I had dreams about the home she had lived in all her life being emptied.
And then she came to me in my sleep and said Goodbye. I was so moved I woke up in the dim light of a breaking day.
And there was a knock on my door.
It was my neighbor who had a phone and been called by my parents to share the sorrowful news.
I hear it said the reason we feel the pain of death of our loved ones is our souls are connected.
I believe you. I know .
When my son's father was getting close to his death I said " the veil between heaven and earth is very thin over my house"
Following his sweet soft drift away...a Good Death... I discovered there is no veil.
Bereavement is not a thing we learn or get mastery , it seems to me the human body and mind shuts down for the duration to survive the overwhelming pain .
The good habits sort of propel us , if we can get up at all. And it takes its own time...moments of durable suspended minutes hours days months and miserable bouts of grieving anguish.
Thanks in my heart to everyone who spoke to me, whatever they said, and included me by calling, the meals, the walks. The arms that wrapped around me and shared the miracle of life love compassion and understanding.
Then one day...sitting in the spectacular beauty of another breaking day...I was surprised to discover my own natural inclination to be happy had turned up again.
Maybe what my Mom said over and over helped. She said " remember the happy times" She said , with her glorious movie star best sincere smile " The day I die will be a happy day because that's the day I go to be with Jesus!"
( It was not " happy" for us...we were trauma victims . But bless her heart she said what every mother alive wants for her children . Be happy for me).
Live and tell the tale.
Thank you so very much Katie… I appreciate the years that you have ALREADY dedicated to helping so many people through your platform. Refreshingly authentic! Wishing you health, comfort and wellness.
My most vivid memory of my dad's funeral was one of my boy scout leaders, who had recently lost his dad as well, coming up to me, looking me straight in the eyes, and simply saying "It *sucks*" with the full weight of his own grief. He wasn't explaining that he knew how I felt. He was acknowledging that wherever I was in grief... it was a place of tremendous pain and that it must feel truly awful. I was 13 at the time, and after hearing so many "I'm sorry for your losses" it meant so much for an adult to just be candid with me. I don't know if other people would feel the same way if that was said to them, but I think there really is something to someone simply acknowledging how shitty a situation is that helps lighten the crushing feelings even a little.
Ty so much for this video. I’ve watched your videos for years as I work with adults with multiple diagnosis and I feel your videos are insightful, informative and upbeat. But this I really needed to hear and share . I lost my father two months ago, and I am deeply mourning him. He was a great man, a great friend, a great example to everyone he touched of what a Christian looks like, not by his words ( although they too helped as he was a retired chaplain) but by his quit simple way he accepted people, really listened to people, and showed Gods love through his every day life
The beginning of this video is beautiful. My heart goes out to you and your entire family. There’s next to no words that can truly encapsulate the pain and ache you experience when you lose someone so close to you. You put it beautifully, community really can help heal parts of you that you don’t even know how to ask for help mending. Thank you for sharing such personal information and being open about such an intimate and raw pain. Sending so much love your way ❤️
Having things/troubles in common might be the most important way to feel validated and feel less alone, so thank you so much for sharing- it helps others and is so selfless. You are amazing.
I appreciate this so much. When my grandma died, I had a really hard time and still am. There were things said to me that still haunt me, but they came from someone who didn't have good intentions. On a more positive note, a coworker randomly started playing/singing Que Será, Será at work the next day. My grandma sang that song all the time. This person had no idea and never played it around me before
So sorry for your loss! I just lost my dad about 2 weeks ago, and the comments “I know how you feel” and sharing their loss stories were actually comforting to me to let me know I’m not alone as I don’t have a family to share the grief with.
Kati, what you're doing is really meaningful and precious to me. Everything you say tugs at my heartstrigs and sounds so in tune with how I feel.
xoxox
The one I hated the most was "They're in a better place now." It cut me in so many ways. My mom loved her kids and we loved her. How was a place where we were not with her better?
One of the nicest things I heard after the loss of my brother, who had schizophrenia, was that his soul was free of that and will receive a higher place in heaven.
PLEASE! When someone loses a furkid, don't act like the age of their pet shocks you. Just because they had their pet 12, 15 or 18 years does not mean the pet lived too long. Or imply that. Yes, that may be a long time but it wasn't long enough. The most comforting thing I was told after losing a pet and what I share with others now was The pain is in equal proportion to the joy they gave.
I haven’t finished the video, but you nailed the fur babies part!!! It already sucks they don’t live long enough as it is💁🏼♀️ My first dog I got as an adult had to be euthanized a little after a year old and it was my fault, then I let family tak me into getting a puppy to help my ex fiancé’s dog grieve not having the one I failed… I had learned what I did wrong with my baby Lil Vinyny (the one who was euthanized) to make sure to train the newest member, Kylee to be friendly with all ages of people and all pets. 6 months later My ex and I lost my ex fiancé’s dog and Kylee… It wasn’t my fault that time at least, but devastating even though one was only a year and one was 5…. After that experience although I spoiled them and usually took them everywhere with me when I could and they died wayyyy too young, I couldn’t imagine thinking and actually saying “at least they lived that long”… I mean the more time you have with a fur baby, the more memories and the harder I imagine it has to be without them… and some people just flat out aren’t fortunate enough to understand the connection to fur family… But yeah I’m going to finish the video before responding to anything else you said
Edit:still haven’t finished the video and am I kinda all over the place with my thoughts because I just lost my big brother and my attention span was hot garbage before that… YOU NAILED IT WITH THE JOY THEY GAVE PART!!! I think I was trying to say that originally but couldn’t find the words until I reread the end of your comment. Thank you! :)
As a medical doctor, it's so important to be able to break bad news or comfort people. I am surrounded by a lot of religious/spiritual people at work, so I usually just wish them comfort and ease through this difficult time with prayers and support. The dead people are gone to whatever afterlife is real but being compassionate to the people who are left behind is what's important. Sometimes just being present when a family is grieving is enough
Most doctors are jerks …my doctor downplayed mum’s death by saying “ I have seen a thousand of these and most don’t end well “ total A-hole but his turn is coming .Everyone eventually loses their mum .I only wish I could be there to tell him the same silly remark
You released this video on the day of my friend's funeral. It couldn't have been better times for me, finding this today. Thank you.
When my mom passed away two years ago I've been told a lot of this kind of stuff. Sometimes people's words were so awkward or stupid it's hard to believe. I think people just don't know what is appropriate to say (or not say) because we kind of avoid the topic of death in our daily lives and we're not educated to deal with. So, your video is really important.
First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you had good support ever since, from friends and family.
I guess often people just want to say something supportive but don't realise how their words make others feel. From personal experience I often find it hard to say the right thing even when someone is "normal" sad or crying for other reasons than grief. Especially in times of covid where you can't just go hug your friends and family but have to use words to express compassion I think many people feel unsure of how to be there and support their loved ones. At least that's what I eperienced.
I also hope this video helps people to change perspective and find a good way to be more compassionate with their words. I hope, Amelie, I didn't say anything offensive or upsetting. Just wanted to share some thoughts/experiences on the subject :)
When my Partner died, people were surprised when i said he was in a better place as i had seen him suffer terribly before he died so it was a relief but it reassured them that i was ok about what had happened and that it came from me. People do say things that are well meant because they feel they would rather say something than not at all and think they are not being caring. It is a tricky one.
@@TinaMey Hi Tina, thanks for your comment ! I don't blame people for their awkward words - I understand they meant well. What I wanted to say is that we often don't have the correct words or tools to help people because nobody teaches us that. So this video is really great.
@@racheldemain1940 Hi Rachel. First of all I'm very sorry for your loss and what your partner had to go through. I totally agree with your comment. Personally, reading the book "The Grief Recovery Handbook" helped me a lot with understanding why people sometimes said really strange or awkward things.
Thank you for this video. Hope things are going the way you wish.
You have helped me so much during the pandemic. I haven't gotten to see my therapist as much and she's as demonstrative as you. Therapists that break the fourth wall are so needed.
You are a very strong person Kati and that’s something you will always have.
Kati! Thank you for the vulnerability and the vulnerability hang over term.please it's okay to cry and no one thinks any different of you. Stay fabulous 😘
Thank you so much for being this open and sharing this part of your life with us all.
Thank you for this. I am the most awkward person at the funeral home and I never know what to say. My condolences on your recent loss.
"I'm sorry for your loss" is awesome in its simplicity. I've experienced the effect of it in both directions. I think I'd combine it with the second half of your favorite and say, "I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm here for you" and be available to listen to whatever they need to say about the one they lost or how they're feeling. (I agree with what you said about "I know how you feel," but "I can't imagine how you feel" sounds to me like they could be saying they don't want to know or couldn't relate.)
I remember when my 1/2 sister called me and left me a message after OUR maternal grandmother passed, she said ‘’ sorry for your loss’’.
I was horrified. It was her grandmother too. I loved our grandmother more than anyone ever.
It was a completely inappropriate thing to say. Heartless. As you said in this video, it only works with someone you don’t know well.
Good for co workers and casual acquaintances. Needless, to say …relationship over with the half sister, for that comment and many other reasons.
When my daughter passed away, one “friend” said: “be glad you have a big family. (My parents and only sibling have passed….2 in devastating ways). You have 2 other children. Think about me…..I only have one daughter and if something happened to her I would have no other child”.
Needless to say, I can forgive her total ignorance and lack of empathy, but have written that woman out of my life!
It hurts...It may never hurt less. You may over time become stronger under the burden of the hurt so you carry it better, But It still may hurt the same. Love never goes away.
I didn't know you had lost your Grandma - I've been off the grid for a while - I am so, so sorry for your loss. Today was the 4th anniversary of my Mum's passing, & I am still grieving. Please don't worry about us, on TH-cam - take gentle care of yourself, in your own time. Love to you & your family. xoxo
I had a guy who I hadn’t spoken too since high school DM me about 4 days after my mom passed. He asked me out on a date and when I told him the circumstances of no, he then proceeded to say “well when you get over that, let me know”
Glad to say I blocked him immediately
My older brother passed on 04/04/22 he was 31 years old. Thank you for this. One foot Infront of the other , til we meet again. 😓
❤
Thank you Katie you have been my favorite family therapist. Your fabulous.
I'm sorry for your loss. Prayers sent 🙏
Oh Kati, thank you so much for sharing this. I think I've gotten all of those comments including ones where people have chastised me for grieving "too long" over my mother. But the truth is that she was my best friend and my heart is broken. I don't think I'll ever be the same. And, I'm ok with that. It has been an entire year since her death and I still feel like I'm having to fight the whole world to protect myself in a very vulnerable period. It's amazing how little our society offers support to those who are grieving and how little they truly understand it. It's a breath of fresh air to find others who are going through what I'm going through. It doesn't take the pain away, but it does make me feel less alone.
You are 100% correct on the things NOT to say, Katie! I hate all those words, makes me angry, not comforted!
Thank you for your honesty and for Being real and vulnerable. Love your videos and have learned a lot. Praying for you
Hello 👋 rose
How are you doing today?
I hope you’re taking care of you and keeping the idea of more or longer breaks. Please be good to you. 💜
My fiancé died two years ago and I heard most of these. Wishing you as much peace as available.
I have been married twice and both of my partners have died in my arms. The pain was and still is unbearable but I consider myself fortunate that I was there at the time. I could not sleep for weeks until I had some very good advice from my local GP. She said the reason for my not sleeping was that I was frightened that when I awoke I would have forgotten the last words we had spoken together. she told to sit down and write down everything I could remember about those last few hours. Every word, every action. touch scent and so on. When I felt I had finished to put it an envelope, seal it and put it away safely so that I could read it anytime if I so wished. It did help and I would recommend it to any one who is grieving for their partner.
I still have not watched the video earlier about when you lost your grandma but I have it saved and plan on watching it... when i'm ready. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing this and opening up about your own losses. I'm so sorry you lost your grandmother, and so sorry about your father as well. I lost my mom last year, and all of your shoulds and should nots are definitely very relatable to me. The most helpful thing anyone's said to me since my mom died is just admitting "this sucks so much, I'm so sorry." Just acknowledging that it is NOT ok, and there doesn't have to be a bright side. Sure, I can tell myself it was her time to go, or she's happier where she is now, but if someone else says it TO me... NOPE. So thank you ❤️❤️❤️
Hello 👋 Cassidy
How are you doing today?
Thank you for your willingness to talk about your experiences.
Thank you for all your videos. I have learnt so much. I'm guessing these last two were probably the hardest for you. Cherish all the beautiful memories of your grandmother 🥰
Brilliant video Kati. My mum died when I was 13 and I got told I mustn’t cry. I must be strong for my brothers and sisters. This unhelpful piece of information kept me stuck for years.
I went on to lose my brother, then sister, then father and 3 miscarriages. Having worked through my grief over a number of years I have turned my pain to purpose. I am now passionate about training people struggling with grief how to get the knowledge, tools and processes to handle it resourcefully so they avoid years of pain.
Thank you for all you are doing to provide support to grievers ❣️
Kati, Sorry to hear about your Grandma! My deepest heartfelt sympathy and prayers for you and your entire family!✝️🙏✝️🙏✝️🙏✝️🙏✝️
Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Just be present and utterly available.
perfect timing for this video, thank you, good advice
Yes, yes, yes! Really appreciate this advise and hope it will helpful and healing to people I reach out to. Thanks a million!!
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your comments regarding your grief. I am a Bereavement Minister and I know how hard it is for so many people, and I have found that what you said about just being present to them, and not have to worry about saying the right thing is good advice. But a touch, a hug, letting them know they are not alone, and checking in with them in a week, and continue to check in in the weeks ahead is a good thing. Sometimes just holding them when they are crying helps them feel not alone. Support groups may be helpful if they feel they need additional support. Validation is what most people want, and saying that you want to help them move "forward", and not saying they will get over it or it will pass because they may hurt them. Thank you for your great video.
Thank you for sharing. Great video. I love that you shared about your feelings. Your important.
Thanks, Katie for helping others, while grieving yourself. I am truly sorry for the pain and loss you are feeling. I must admit that I detest that saying: "that everything happens for a reason". And I reply back:
" it doesn't mean that reason is good or justified". And that usually causes the amateur "philosopher" to go silent.
You are amazing!!! You hit a lot of the things people said to me that really seemed hurtful and non supportive.
It totally sucks because I hate all of these as well, but I also cannot think of one single thing you can say to anyone that's just had someone they truly love die. There are literally no words.
Thank you for all your work Kati, I always learn and feel better after watching your videos
so strong of you to make these videos
you help so many people
I personally don’t like “I’m sorry for your loss” as a response because it feels like they’re saying that just to say it and that they don’t really care. Again, this is a personal opinion and it might be because of my past experiences with grief.
Thank you for everything you do. It helps.
One thing I've found, having sadly lost both parents now, is that after the funeral is over people will stop talking about the person you've lost. I believe it comes from a good place, they don't want to upset you, but it feels strange. I truly believe that nobody is completely gone while they still live on in memories and some of the most healing times are sharing stories about that person, daft or deep it doesn't matter. Just talking about them helps.
So good to know. Makes a real difference. Thank you.
Thank you kati, i really needed this😊
Thank you for sharing this - my own mother passed about a week ago now, and part of me dreads going back to work as I know I'll have well-meaning coworkers saying variations of these for a time and I honestly just don't know how I'll handle it. But this kinda helps me prepare and brings comfort, and at least I will feel less awkward when I have to be on the other side of someone's grieving.
Same here my.dad.passed.on the 19th of April .I don't have an office to go to but just bringing the kids to school football etc .but day by day is all we can do .sorry for your. Loss 💓
I am so sorry for your loss. 🙏❤ 💐
I Heard most of these when my mum died, me and my sister had to come to terms that she passed, move out of our family home of 20yrs and had her funeral in the space of a month the stress was real, everyone else thought they knew what was best ( us being 18&19 ) it kind of just went in one ear out the other, great video as always stay strong we love you xoxo
Thanks miss. I’m grieving with my grandma’s loss for a year now, meanwhile i was abuse with a narc family member. I wasn’t able to process one at time. Its hard but it gets better.
Great video, between my husband and myself, in the last 10 years we have lost 12 people close to us, from parents, best friends, and extended family. The lateest being my brother unexpectedly 6 months ago.
Having only delt with loss of distant family years ago, i had not experenced real grief until my bff passed, followed by my mother a year later. Since then 10 years ago, to this latest loss, i have found i grieve very different every time. This latest being the absolute hardest. Unexpected passing of someone so close has me all messed up.
I do find i hid my grief, and shut down....aside from my husband sometimes.
I agree with "im so sorry for your loss" that for me is the best to recieve, as i dont want to talk about it, and it keeps me from having to have any real response, and with having had so much loss, and being a very empathetic person. I truly mean it when i say it to someone.
But if you do mean what you say by "let me know if i can do anything"
Just do something, dont say that, because the state they are in they are not going to ask.
Ask around to people close to them, see if you can make a meal, watch the kids, clean, or just send flowers or a coffee.
Just do something dont ask. And definetly dont say it if you dont mean it.
Thank you for your kindness.
My dad passed away last fall from CHF, he was 94.
My 18yo daughter took it very hard.
As the weeks went by she began to feel even worse as everyone around her was adjusting to the loss but she was still grieving.
I consoled her by telling her that everyone is different and grieves for as long as they need to. It was still hard for her.
We still check in with one another every now and again. Share a fond memory and have a chuckle. But shed a tear or two as well.
Thank you for this Katie.
Wishing you hugs and smiles!
Brilliant video…! Very, very helpful!
Praying that we all continue to find and live in ways that help us to cope and move through the rest of our lives without our loved ones. It hurts like hell
In a different light someone I was not very fond of passed away 8/2020. I couldn’t attend the service to support my dear sister as I wanted Thanks to the pandemic. I chose to send flowers - but wow what sentiment should be there? It took a little time but I came up with “thank you for loving my sister so well”. As with verbally making a statement the written comments need to reflect heartfelt support as well.
Kati, I’m truly sorry for your loss. I have appreciated you little stories of your relationship throughout the years.
Love you Katie your videos have helped me work through so much! Your personality is amazing an the way you speak is validating and kind ! ❤️
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I was saying the wrong thing, and I will do better. This was helpful! Much love to you!
(I was saying the you're so brave one sometimes and would follow that with what they were brave for, which was for taking the hard steps after the loss or for sharing their grief with me, but it makes sense that it is invalidating, and I hadn't thought about it that way.)
@@natalieedelstein We are all just doing our best!! I am glad this was helpful :) xoxo
I’ve just hit the notification bell as I think you give some great advice Kati. I am a human being with autism and I have been suffering with anxiety, depression and intrusive thoughts. I am currently on a waiting list for CBT as well.
Your a brilliant woman, the videos you make are so helpful.
Big love editing Katie. We got ya.
Condolences for what your going through
I really appreciate this.
Excellent! Thank you so much for this video. I am a Hospice RN; I work nights on/call and inserted into a variety of grieving situations at all hours of the afternoon/night/morning. I usually first start out with...I am so sorry for your loss... here is what the process is usually going to look like, and please tell me what your pace is for calling the coroner, the Funeral Home, and pickup time. Loved ones are usually surprised at how long it takes for all these steps to take place; I tell them time frames for how long these steps take. I ask them to write down or ask me any questions they have, since I am in the home or facility for at least a few hours for the entire process. It is gratifying to me to provide order and a sense of direction and calm when of course such a loss has taken place
You videos are SO awesome and very helpful! Thank you so much! 💓
Thanks Kati! This helps a lot
I loved hearing stories about my Mom and oddly I really felt comfort when hearing stories of how other people's families had passed, I thought that was kind of an odd one. My Mom is the first person I physically witnessed pass away and we had a very special experience--hospice nurses are angels. But just hearing another person's process really helped me feel not alone. The moments of grief shift. Times I just think about her just to hold on to every bit of memories that I possibly can. My Mom and I used to go do things together of course and I've thought about maybe going and still doing those things as if she was still there and spending that time every once in a while and imagining that she's there. It sounds a little sad when I think about it, but I do like the idea of doing little things that we did together while thinking about her to dedicate time holding her in my heart. I miss my Mom so much
So sorry for your loss. 🙏❤ 💐