You are all amazing and I am so thankful for your support. xoxo What are some of the things people have said that you found helpful? Or other ways people could offer support? Let's keep sharing what's helpful! xoxo
I love the "I'm here for you if you need anything" but sometimes I think it can feel overwhelming - like I don't even know what I need right now. So, depending on how close you are with the person, I think sometimes it can be helpful to also offer up a specific thing. When my best friend's mom died - I told her I would take care of the laundry. It was a small but specific thing that freed up space for her. :) Love your videos Kati!!
Sometimes that I'm here for you if you need anything almost seems empty. Although it's well-meaning for the most part. Maybe just don't know what else to say. I know the good memories double and DIN the bad memories . My two oldest children's mom died when they were very young. A teacher gave me a book called The Ten good things about Barney. To help children understand and learn to deal with death. It was a lifesaver. Because I didn't know what to say to them
@Kati Morton: could you please do in the near future, a video about how do work with refugees, from the Ukraine war, that are traumatized and lost loved ones! Even as a social worker I am at a loss how to actually work with people that come out of a war, were they saw, how there loved ones have been killed or even tortured! Maybe it’s maybe not so important for people from the USA, but in Europe so many people do take refugee families in their homes and I think a video like that could be very helpful for millions of people in Europe right now! Maybe a video like this what to say and what not to say… but sure your videos are planed long ahead! So I don’t know, if you have the time to fit it in your schedule!
Kati Morton we are all thankful and appreciate all your videos and advice you give us I will always follow and support you Kati its good that you was open and shared how you are feeling with us ❤️
When I lost my father a friend said to me: "I'm sorry you're going through this. It will get worse for a little while but it will get better after. I promise." He was right and it helped me a lot.
Absolutely true. Another thing is, you will think about them almost everyday for rest of your life. I am 48 years old, I lost my dad when I was 39. To this day, I still go "well...dad would you do. I should ask him." in that nanosecond thought process, before realizing you can't.
I lost my husband of 20 years last year. I have two small kids so they lost their amazing dad. It’s been nonstop stress. Hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. Missing my best friend every single day.
My Dad died suddenly when I was 4 yrs old and an aunt said to me ‘God needs your father more then you’. That planted a feeling of being abandoned that took me decades to shed. Be very careful to what is said to a child.
I remember hearing it said not to me but in front of a sunday school class that another little girls baby sister died because god missed her too much and took her back. Which through the mind eye of a small child is just...terrifying
I have heard this said to me when my mother died: "You're an adult, get over it." That is one of the worst things you can tell anyone who has lost a parent. It doesn't matter if the son or daughter is a child, teenager or adult. We feel the loss of our parents. Terrible thing to say.
So true. I was told this and it made me feel like I didn’t have a right to struggle for so long after my mum passed. I felt so invalidated. Very toxic and detrimental thing to say to anyone grieving is “get over it”
When my daughter passed away, one “friend” said: “be glad you have a big family. (My parents and only sibling have passed….2 in devastating ways). You have 2 other children. Think about me…..I only have one daughter and if something happened to her I would have no other child”. Needless to say, I can forgive her total ignorance and lack of empathy, but have written that woman out of my life!
When my brother was diagnosed recently with stage 4 lung cancer, a pastor friend said that this is really a good thing because it will bring the family closer to God. He also said that this will give us all a deeper understanding of the death experience. I was horrified and not sure I will ever get over that lack of understanding and compassion.
I do hope that you will draw more on your relationship with God as you take this journey one step at a time. I am sure your pastor friend was well intentioned but unfortunately being a Christian and a pastor doesn’t mean your wise. This comment was very insensitive and lacking in wisdom and understanding though I’m sure this person loves you and cares deeply. God did NOT give you this journey but He can walk it with you and provide strength and comfort when you need it. Please give grace to your friend, I pray for your peace and that you and your family will draw closer to one another and to God, and I pray that you will find many precious moments of joy despite your circumstances. I pray for a great outcome! Xo ❤️❣️
You are as insensitive as the pastor. Who are you to use their grief to advertise for your deity? A more respectful thing to say has nothing to do with God. Something more along the lines of, I'm sorry to hear that, that must have been awful - is a more appropriate response.
"Anyone who has lost a love one knows that you don't recover. Instead you learn to incorporate their absence and memories into your life and channel your emotional energy toward others and eventually, your grief will walk beside you instead of consuming you." Rashida Rowe
I’ve been grieving the loss of my best friend so thank you for this. She was 92 and my next door neighbor, but she was my best friend I loved her more than anyone.
I'm sorry for your loss. I feel the same. I lost my friend to ALS in February. She was also older than me (62 years old) but no matter what age it sucks to lose someone you love.
Thanks for this. I’m 20 and my dad died from a motorcycle accident in September, my cats died soon after, and so did my grandmother. My older brother also passed away three years ago and it’s always so strange dealing with others. People often don’t know what say and they’re trying. But often, the comments can feel empty.
Omg that's hard. I hope you're doing allright and found ways to heal a bit by now. I feel your loss. Now I'll watch the video and I hope I didn't just say sth completely stupid.
A year after my mom passed away, someone told me I should be over the grieving. I wasn't, and that was really hurtful to put an expiration date on my grief. It took me years to start to feel ok about it, but I'm still grieving. I think the statement "if you need anything let me know" is disingenuous. It puts the responsibility on the person that is grieving to reach out. Checking in on them and just being there is a better option but if it's a close friend you know what they need and would be easier for them to reach out
I had someone tell me that recently about me still grieving my 51 yr old husband passing 6 yrs ago and my 31yr old daughter passing 2 yrs ago. Now she was divorced 12yrs ago and hasn't lost any children, thank goodness. So I am not real sure how she knows the grief time line.
We are never done grieving. It never leaves us, because the person never comes back. It just gets easier to carry along. Sometimes it surprises us with getting suddenly heavy, again.
I agree a 100%. I lost my mom and my dad 20 years ago when I was in my early twenties. I'm still grieving... What I learned is that time doesn't heal but teaches us to live beside the grief... It's never over... for me anyway
If you need anything let me know ...like what exactly? You should make a lost of people who said that and then phone them up everyday and ask for stuff, like milk, cigarettes, carrots, tissues.
my therapist who was like a family member to me died a few weeks ago, and i miss her so much. i’m still grieving, and i feel so lost without her, but your videos give me so much comfort. so i just wanted to say thank you for your videos, your kind voice and amazing personality always bring me a little peace.❤️
My husband died a year ago. I so agreed with your list of "what not to say." It still brings comfort to me when some says "I'm sorry for your loss." One statement I don't care for at all is "Life will get better". I still can't imagine my future without him so how in the world will my life be better without him?
I lost my daughter at 24 weeks and the most important thing for me has always been people acknowledging that sometimes the time you have together does not always=the depth and importance of your relationship together Thanks Kati
Love this video. Also a reminder to those who feel ashamed to grieve someone who isn’t deceased: it’s okay, you can grieve someone who you’ve lost who hasn’t passed. Grief doesn’t only apply to those who have lost someone to death. Grief is defined as “deep sorrow” or a “response to loss.” Any loss is a loss.
You have to be careful with that one too. If you know that they are grieving, maybe, but not everyone experiences actual grief right after a loved one dies (or at all), but they still might be having a hard time with their loss. They might even feel bad about not grieving.
I remember when my 1/2 sister called me and left me a message after OUR maternal grandmother passed, she said ‘’ sorry for your loss’’. I was horrified. It was her grandmother too. I loved our grandmother more than anyone ever. It was a completely inappropriate thing to say. Heartless. As you said in this video, it only works with someone you don’t know well. Good for co workers and casual acquaintances. Needless, to say …relationship over with the half sister, for that comment and many other reasons.
There is a lady in my grief support group that says, "This to shall pass". This gets on my last nerve! Grief never passes. It changes but never goes completely away! I lost both my parents, brother and most recently my 29 year old son. What do you think about this comment?
Yeah, it's also invalidating because even if the frequency or intensity "passes" like that isn't the point right, it invalidates what I'm feeling right now, like absolute hell. And the reality that is so hard to accept right now... it "passing" and more future without them is NOT a good idea to me. And it sort of feels like the other person is placating /themselves/ sometimes even though sometimes it is actually said with good intentions. I think though that most people are shit with things like this so i do try to explain why it didnt come off okay.
The police offer that came to our house when my Dad suddenly passed said that exact thing *while* they were picking his body up. Come oooon. But then again, there is some truth to it. I'm glad grief changes over time. I hope it's not tasteless to ask or phrase it that way but losing so many loved ones...how do you even carry on with everything?
@@ladyvader3173 it has not been easy to carry on! I fortunately have a wonderful church family. They have never once told me to "come on, get over it". These deaths all took place within about the last 6 years. I will be honest. When my son passed away totally unexpected I went into a deep depression. I was even suicidal. Plan and all! With all my family gone I had nothing. I sought out at my pastor's suggestion a therapist that focuses on grief. It has literally saved my life. Everyday is still a struggle! I have to hold on to people and not be afraid to be honest about my feelings with them.
@@kellihastings5987 Wow, that is rough.. I'm glad you are here still and wish you all the best in dealing with this struggle, one stranger to another. And your pastor sounds like a good man.
My most vivid memory of my dad's funeral was one of my boy scout leaders, who had recently lost his dad as well, coming up to me, looking me straight in the eyes, and simply saying "It *sucks*" with the full weight of his own grief. He wasn't explaining that he knew how I felt. He was acknowledging that wherever I was in grief... it was a place of tremendous pain and that it must feel truly awful. I was 13 at the time, and after hearing so many "I'm sorry for your losses" it meant so much for an adult to just be candid with me. I don't know if other people would feel the same way if that was said to them, but I think there really is something to someone simply acknowledging how shitty a situation is that helps lighten the crushing feelings even a little.
I have been married twice and both of my partners have died in my arms. The pain was and still is unbearable but I consider myself fortunate that I was there at the time. I could not sleep for weeks until I had some very good advice from my local GP. She said the reason for my not sleeping was that I was frightened that when I awoke I would have forgotten the last words we had spoken together. she told to sit down and write down everything I could remember about those last few hours. Every word, every action. touch scent and so on. When I felt I had finished to put it an envelope, seal it and put it away safely so that I could read it anytime if I so wished. It did help and I would recommend it to any one who is grieving for their partner.
“It’s weird isn’t? Are you alright?” and “Ah crap, that is shit” are two of the things said to me when I lost a friend, who was 28, to cancer. Both helped as it made me realise they felt it too (even though they had a clumsy way of putting it!) and they were happy to listen. I’ve done the same with my friend who’s just lost family. Asking them what there Dad did for work, hobbies, that sort of thing. I think it helps to talk about lost ones. I know I relish the chance to to tell folk about people who I thought were great but are no longer around. And I’m always here if you need a chat. Maybe you could tell us about the stages of grief? And I’d love to hear about your Grandmother. Tell us about her if it helps.
I love that.. asking about the lost loved one. Thank you so much for sharing!! And I am more than happy to work on a video about the stages of grief :) xoxo
I appreciate this so much. When my grandma died, I had a really hard time and still am. There were things said to me that still haunt me, but they came from someone who didn't have good intentions. On a more positive note, a coworker randomly started playing/singing Que Será, Será at work the next day. My grandma sang that song all the time. This person had no idea and never played it around me before
When people ask me how I am I tell the truth & say I'm struggling. Usual comments are, that's life, I know how you feel, try to get over it, move on. I find these all disrespectful & insensitive. Why can't you just hold someone's hand, hug them, sit beside them without saying a word. I lost my only child in 2019 & then his Dad just recently. How could anyone possibly know how l feel? I spent 43 years with my husband & l am getting by as best as l can through prayer. People should stop saying get over it & help the grieving get through it. Thank you for this video.
"I'm sorry for your loss" is awesome in its simplicity. I've experienced the effect of it in both directions. I think I'd combine it with the second half of your favorite and say, "I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm here for you" and be available to listen to whatever they need to say about the one they lost or how they're feeling. (I agree with what you said about "I know how you feel," but "I can't imagine how you feel" sounds to me like they could be saying they don't want to know or couldn't relate.)
Thank you so very much Katie… I appreciate the years that you have ALREADY dedicated to helping so many people through your platform. Refreshingly authentic! Wishing you health, comfort and wellness.
I didn't know you had lost your Grandma - I've been off the grid for a while - I am so, so sorry for your loss. Today was the 4th anniversary of my Mum's passing, & I am still grieving. Please don't worry about us, on TH-cam - take gentle care of yourself, in your own time. Love to you & your family. xoxo
As a medical doctor, it's so important to be able to break bad news or comfort people. I am surrounded by a lot of religious/spiritual people at work, so I usually just wish them comfort and ease through this difficult time with prayers and support. The dead people are gone to whatever afterlife is real but being compassionate to the people who are left behind is what's important. Sometimes just being present when a family is grieving is enough
Most doctors are jerks …my doctor downplayed mum’s death by saying “ I have seen a thousand of these and most don’t end well “ total A-hole but his turn is coming .Everyone eventually loses their mum .I only wish I could be there to tell him the same silly remark
I always struggled at what words to say, and then one day I just said, "There are no words I can say to easy your pain, but know I understand your grief."
We love you Kati! #4 pissed me off especially when my aunt died at 51. She had so much life left in her and I was so angry that cancer took her too soon.
Anger was a big part of what I felt when my mom died. She had so much weight to carrying by still taking care of her grown son, his daughter and her 3 kids!! A few others in my family took advantage of her kindness. I know those things caused her stress. I didn't tell them off like I wanted. My son and daughter listened to me. I was surprised by having anger as a first response.❤️
8 weeks ago, I suddenly lost my husband of 44 years. “I’m sorry for your loss,” is said by everyone. I would have rather had them say, “He was a great guy and I’ll miss his smile……or…..”Can we talk in a couple of weeks” (The grieving person needs to hear other people talking about the loss). SO DON’T FORGET TO CALL OR STOP FOR A VISIT. When you are at the funeral home, there is no time to tell stories as others are waiting to pay their respects. BESIDES…..I’m SURE THATS WHAT EVERYONE SAID “I’m sorry for your loss.” I really don’t remember, I was in such a state of shock, I hardly remember anything.
Oh Kati ❤️ I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma. I also thank you for this video because despite losing a number of loved ones I never know what to say other than I’m so sorry. I’ve also told people that the pain is unreal but that it will get easier as time goes on. When my brother died, right before I woke up by the coroner knocking on my door, my brother came to me and told me, “it’s not going to be easy but I promise that you will eventually be okay” when I opened the door I immediately asked the coroners investigator how my brother died. This was before he identified himself. He asked if someone called me and I said no, but my brother came to me. The man lost the color in his face and asked to sit down. I don’t think many people believe that my brother came to me but he did.
When my Grandmother was nearing the end of her life I had no phone. I had dreams about the home she had lived in all her life being emptied. And then she came to me in my sleep and said Goodbye. I was so moved I woke up in the dim light of a breaking day. And there was a knock on my door. It was my neighbor who had a phone and been called by my parents to share the sorrowful news. I hear it said the reason we feel the pain of death of our loved ones is our souls are connected. I believe you. I know . When my son's father was getting close to his death I said " the veil between heaven and earth is very thin over my house" Following his sweet soft drift away...a Good Death... I discovered there is no veil. Bereavement is not a thing we learn or get mastery , it seems to me the human body and mind shuts down for the duration to survive the overwhelming pain . The good habits sort of propel us , if we can get up at all. And it takes its own time...moments of durable suspended minutes hours days months and miserable bouts of grieving anguish. Thanks in my heart to everyone who spoke to me, whatever they said, and included me by calling, the meals, the walks. The arms that wrapped around me and shared the miracle of life love compassion and understanding. Then one day...sitting in the spectacular beauty of another breaking day...I was surprised to discover my own natural inclination to be happy had turned up again. Maybe what my Mom said over and over helped. She said " remember the happy times" She said , with her glorious movie star best sincere smile " The day I die will be a happy day because that's the day I go to be with Jesus!" ( It was not " happy" for us...we were trauma victims . But bless her heart she said what every mother alive wants for her children . Be happy for me). Live and tell the tale.
It hurts...It may never hurt less. You may over time become stronger under the burden of the hurt so you carry it better, But It still may hurt the same. Love never goes away.
When my mom passed away two years ago I've been told a lot of this kind of stuff. Sometimes people's words were so awkward or stupid it's hard to believe. I think people just don't know what is appropriate to say (or not say) because we kind of avoid the topic of death in our daily lives and we're not educated to deal with. So, your video is really important.
First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you had good support ever since, from friends and family. I guess often people just want to say something supportive but don't realise how their words make others feel. From personal experience I often find it hard to say the right thing even when someone is "normal" sad or crying for other reasons than grief. Especially in times of covid where you can't just go hug your friends and family but have to use words to express compassion I think many people feel unsure of how to be there and support their loved ones. At least that's what I eperienced. I also hope this video helps people to change perspective and find a good way to be more compassionate with their words. I hope, Amelie, I didn't say anything offensive or upsetting. Just wanted to share some thoughts/experiences on the subject :)
When my Partner died, people were surprised when i said he was in a better place as i had seen him suffer terribly before he died so it was a relief but it reassured them that i was ok about what had happened and that it came from me. People do say things that are well meant because they feel they would rather say something than not at all and think they are not being caring. It is a tricky one.
@@TinaMey Hi Tina, thanks for your comment ! I don't blame people for their awkward words - I understand they meant well. What I wanted to say is that we often don't have the correct words or tools to help people because nobody teaches us that. So this video is really great.
@@racheldemain1940 Hi Rachel. First of all I'm very sorry for your loss and what your partner had to go through. I totally agree with your comment. Personally, reading the book "The Grief Recovery Handbook" helped me a lot with understanding why people sometimes said really strange or awkward things.
The one I hated the most was "They're in a better place now." It cut me in so many ways. My mom loved her kids and we loved her. How was a place where we were not with her better? One of the nicest things I heard after the loss of my brother, who had schizophrenia, was that his soul was free of that and will receive a higher place in heaven. PLEASE! When someone loses a furkid, don't act like the age of their pet shocks you. Just because they had their pet 12, 15 or 18 years does not mean the pet lived too long. Or imply that. Yes, that may be a long time but it wasn't long enough. The most comforting thing I was told after losing a pet and what I share with others now was The pain is in equal proportion to the joy they gave.
I haven’t finished the video, but you nailed the fur babies part!!! It already sucks they don’t live long enough as it is💁🏼♀️ My first dog I got as an adult had to be euthanized a little after a year old and it was my fault, then I let family tak me into getting a puppy to help my ex fiancé’s dog grieve not having the one I failed… I had learned what I did wrong with my baby Lil Vinyny (the one who was euthanized) to make sure to train the newest member, Kylee to be friendly with all ages of people and all pets. 6 months later My ex and I lost my ex fiancé’s dog and Kylee… It wasn’t my fault that time at least, but devastating even though one was only a year and one was 5…. After that experience although I spoiled them and usually took them everywhere with me when I could and they died wayyyy too young, I couldn’t imagine thinking and actually saying “at least they lived that long”… I mean the more time you have with a fur baby, the more memories and the harder I imagine it has to be without them… and some people just flat out aren’t fortunate enough to understand the connection to fur family… But yeah I’m going to finish the video before responding to anything else you said Edit:still haven’t finished the video and am I kinda all over the place with my thoughts because I just lost my big brother and my attention span was hot garbage before that… YOU NAILED IT WITH THE JOY THEY GAVE PART!!! I think I was trying to say that originally but couldn’t find the words until I reread the end of your comment. Thank you! :)
Having things/troubles in common might be the most important way to feel validated and feel less alone, so thank you so much for sharing- it helps others and is so selfless. You are amazing.
One thing I've found, having sadly lost both parents now, is that after the funeral is over people will stop talking about the person you've lost. I believe it comes from a good place, they don't want to upset you, but it feels strange. I truly believe that nobody is completely gone while they still live on in memories and some of the most healing times are sharing stories about that person, daft or deep it doesn't matter. Just talking about them helps.
You have helped me so much during the pandemic. I haven't gotten to see my therapist as much and she's as demonstrative as you. Therapists that break the fourth wall are so needed.
One that was hard to hear a few months after my husband died was, "now you can do what you want to do and not have to compromise". We were a team, compromise was not a burden for us.
I had the same experience after my husband died, too. We were a good team as well and did as many things together as time would allow. I think sometimes people subconsciously project their own experiences.
I had a guy who I hadn’t spoken too since high school DM me about 4 days after my mom passed. He asked me out on a date and when I told him the circumstances of no, he then proceeded to say “well when you get over that, let me know” Glad to say I blocked him immediately
I was 32 when my husband died. The comment I heard most from people was, "You're young. You'll get married again." It was like a knife going into my broken heart.
I lost my husband last year. This is one of the worst things people have said and continue to say to me... and while they believe they mean well, it doesn't help at all.
Sometimes when you are grieving, you miss talking about your loved one! Some visitors just do not mention the person, like they never existed, due to not knowing what to say! I cherished the sweet remembrances!
Ty for this...I have been so awkward around people who suffered loss-I finally just started saying that I don't know what to say and I feel so bad for them . Since then I've had some major losses, including a newborn from a rare disease when I was 41 yrs old. My mom said, "Well now at least one of your children will go to heaven! Your sister better see now what happens if you wait to long to have a baby!" It's been 18 years since that remark and it still hurts.
My mother's death years ago shattered me. Someone who told me they understood how I was feeling was actually the person who gave me the most comfort. Her husband's mother had died and she knew the pain he'd gone through so she GOT me. She let me talk about my pain. I needed to talk and she was there to listen. We worked at the same office but in different sections. We weren't even friends but she reached out to me helped me more than she'll ever know. I wish I could go back in time and tell her that.
The deeper your love, the deeper you Grieve for who you have lost. You cant go around it, you just have to go though it. Love and hugs to everyone who is hurting at this time xxx
Very helpful, Kati. You’re right. Sometimes we just want folks around to spend time with us (watch TV, go for a hike), and be emotionally present, for us to share stories and memories about our loved ones. For us to talk, without being judged. Thank you for the light and knowledge you share here.
I personally don’t like “I’m sorry for your loss” as a response because it feels like they’re saying that just to say it and that they don’t really care. Again, this is a personal opinion and it might be because of my past experiences with grief.
I was together with my boyfriend for 32 years before he had a stroke. He was in full time longterm care for another year and a half. I knew he was going to die but did not know when. Every day I would go see him. In the beginning he could be loaded up in a wheel chair and wheeled to a commom room. As time went on he lost the ability to recognize people and slept during most of my visit. I did not give up on him and kept going to see him everyday. Up to the evening before he died I would ALWAYS kiss him and tell him I loved him. During my last visit to him I walked out without the kiss and telling him I loved him. I turned around went back into his room and kissed him and said I loved him. I then left to go home. At 8:00 the next morning I got a call from his nurse that said he had passed at 6:15 am. I had been greiving since the day he went into the hospital. The pain was still there but the intensity wasn't blinding. My only comforting thought was that the last thing he heard (?) from me was I loved him. All the time together the last thing we said, no matter how upset we were with each other, before we went to sleep was we loved each other. Because if one of us died in our sleep, the last thing we heard was the other one loved us.
So sorry for your loss! I just lost my dad about 2 weeks ago, and the comments “I know how you feel” and sharing their loss stories were actually comforting to me to let me know I’m not alone as I don’t have a family to share the grief with.
"I don't know what to say or do for you, but I love you, and I will be here for you." Here in the South, casseroles and food are a BIG deal. When my Grandmama passed, we were gifted with enough food to open a restaurant! It was very kind. But what I *remember* was the lady who brought a bag of ice, paper plates, plastic silverware, solo cups, toilet paper and paper towels. She also brought containers so we could freeze some of it. Very USEFUL!
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your comments regarding your grief. I am a Bereavement Minister and I know how hard it is for so many people, and I have found that what you said about just being present to them, and not have to worry about saying the right thing is good advice. But a touch, a hug, letting them know they are not alone, and checking in with them in a week, and continue to check in in the weeks ahead is a good thing. Sometimes just holding them when they are crying helps them feel not alone. Support groups may be helpful if they feel they need additional support. Validation is what most people want, and saying that you want to help them move "forward", and not saying they will get over it or it will pass because they may hurt them. Thank you for your great video.
I found it extremely helpful and comforting when I asked someone how long the intense pain and grief would last …… this person who also had lost her husband said ….. One day you will go a whole day and realise you had not thought of them! It might have taken a long time but I was glad to know it could happen!
Thank you for sharing this - my own mother passed about a week ago now, and part of me dreads going back to work as I know I'll have well-meaning coworkers saying variations of these for a time and I honestly just don't know how I'll handle it. But this kinda helps me prepare and brings comfort, and at least I will feel less awkward when I have to be on the other side of someone's grieving.
Same here my.dad.passed.on the 19th of April .I don't have an office to go to but just bringing the kids to school football etc .but day by day is all we can do .sorry for your. Loss 💓
Great video, between my husband and myself, in the last 10 years we have lost 12 people close to us, from parents, best friends, and extended family. The lateest being my brother unexpectedly 6 months ago. Having only delt with loss of distant family years ago, i had not experenced real grief until my bff passed, followed by my mother a year later. Since then 10 years ago, to this latest loss, i have found i grieve very different every time. This latest being the absolute hardest. Unexpected passing of someone so close has me all messed up. I do find i hid my grief, and shut down....aside from my husband sometimes. I agree with "im so sorry for your loss" that for me is the best to recieve, as i dont want to talk about it, and it keeps me from having to have any real response, and with having had so much loss, and being a very empathetic person. I truly mean it when i say it to someone. But if you do mean what you say by "let me know if i can do anything" Just do something, dont say that, because the state they are in they are not going to ask. Ask around to people close to them, see if you can make a meal, watch the kids, clean, or just send flowers or a coffee. Just do something dont ask. And definetly dont say it if you dont mean it.
It totally sucks because I hate all of these as well, but I also cannot think of one single thing you can say to anyone that's just had someone they truly love die. There are literally no words.
Ty so much for this video. I’ve watched your videos for years as I work with adults with multiple diagnosis and I feel your videos are insightful, informative and upbeat. But this I really needed to hear and share . I lost my father two months ago, and I am deeply mourning him. He was a great man, a great friend, a great example to everyone he touched of what a Christian looks like, not by his words ( although they too helped as he was a retired chaplain) but by his quit simple way he accepted people, really listened to people, and showed Gods love through his every day life
"You have to be ok with it" is what I think I'm hearing in a lot of these. (I'm fortunate enough not to have lost anybody close, but having someone say that kind of thing must be unbearable)
The beginning of this video is beautiful. My heart goes out to you and your entire family. There’s next to no words that can truly encapsulate the pain and ache you experience when you lose someone so close to you. You put it beautifully, community really can help heal parts of you that you don’t even know how to ask for help mending. Thank you for sharing such personal information and being open about such an intimate and raw pain. Sending so much love your way ❤️
Thanks, Katie for helping others, while grieving yourself. I am truly sorry for the pain and loss you are feeling. I must admit that I detest that saying: "that everything happens for a reason". And I reply back: " it doesn't mean that reason is good or justified". And that usually causes the amateur "philosopher" to go silent.
Brilliant video Kati. My mum died when I was 13 and I got told I mustn’t cry. I must be strong for my brothers and sisters. This unhelpful piece of information kept me stuck for years. I went on to lose my brother, then sister, then father and 3 miscarriages. Having worked through my grief over a number of years I have turned my pain to purpose. I am now passionate about training people struggling with grief how to get the knowledge, tools and processes to handle it resourcefully so they avoid years of pain. Thank you for all you are doing to provide support to grievers ❣️
I lost a coworker to covid in 2021 and I can remember going to her funeral and just being so emotional not even for me but for her sister. I didn't have the words to really say but I hugged her and she squeezed me so tight back as if that was just what she needed. As I was leaving out I was saying my good-byes and my supervisor came and gave me a warm hug and I don't know if he just knew but I just became overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes a hug (in certain situations) is perfect. It's just your way of saying, "I'm here."
I don't find the comments like "If there is anything I can do to help . . ." being helpfull at all. I've been there, I've needed help, and "they" were absent. You can't really mean it, so don't say it. A few years ago, when my wife of 52 years passed away, someone said to me (something like) "My heart aches for you. A small spark of her life's flame will live within your heart forever!"
I've lost my dad and maybe one person was really supportive and respectful with their words, a lot of other people were so weird and uncomfortable to talk about it, which is interesting because death touches all of us, yet no one seems educated about it and knows how to deal with it or properly support who is grieving.
Losing a parent is one of the worst losses. It used to be something that happened to other people, until last year when my dad died suddenly. His last known words were "Oh, no!" Despite paramedics doing everything they could to revive him, we were told "I'm sorry. He's gone."
Oh Kati, thank you so much for sharing this. I think I've gotten all of those comments including ones where people have chastised me for grieving "too long" over my mother. But the truth is that she was my best friend and my heart is broken. I don't think I'll ever be the same. And, I'm ok with that. It has been an entire year since her death and I still feel like I'm having to fight the whole world to protect myself in a very vulnerable period. It's amazing how little our society offers support to those who are grieving and how little they truly understand it. It's a breath of fresh air to find others who are going through what I'm going through. It doesn't take the pain away, but it does make me feel less alone.
Thanks miss. I’m grieving with my grandma’s loss for a year now, meanwhile i was abuse with a narc family member. I wasn’t able to process one at time. Its hard but it gets better.
I went a funeral for a coworker's father who had passed. My coworker is a strong Hispanic man. A very soft spoken person. I know he was heartbroken and yet still wanted to maintain a strong facade. As I walked up to him in the receiving line, he was teary, and I could tell, overwhelmed. I didn't want him to even attempt to thank me for being there because it would force him to speak. I just gave him a very enveloping hug, and whispered, "I know, I know".
When you said “My world is better, so I want him to be here with me!” I completely understand that. I lost my mom about 5 months ago and I hated “She’s in a better place.” She wasn’t even in pain (that I know of, I wasn’t there and it was really unexpected)!!! I just felt like *here* with *me* was a better place for her, not wherever she is now!
I lost my mom in 2019 & I’m still grieving. She was my first best friend & a wonderful mother. Unfortunately when she died a friend of hers told me my mom would be disappointed in me for not attending the memorial service. To everyone out there please don’t say something like that to a person who’s grieving. I was in the middle of an anxiety attack & couldn’t attend. I know my mom wouldn’t have been disappointed in me. My dad certainly wasn’t. This person did & said other traumatizing things while I was grieving. Needless to say I no longer speak to them. Thank you for making this video Kati. It’s very helpful. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you & your family lots of love.
Thank you so much for sharing this and opening up about your own losses. I'm so sorry you lost your grandmother, and so sorry about your father as well. I lost my mom last year, and all of your shoulds and should nots are definitely very relatable to me. The most helpful thing anyone's said to me since my mom died is just admitting "this sucks so much, I'm so sorry." Just acknowledging that it is NOT ok, and there doesn't have to be a bright side. Sure, I can tell myself it was her time to go, or she's happier where she is now, but if someone else says it TO me... NOPE. So thank you ❤️❤️❤️
I appreciate this video so much. 5 months after my mom passed I had a "friend" tell me my mom would want me to move on and be happy and he also said she was not a "saint". That and yelled at me to see a grief counselor. That day it cut me to the core. How someone can be that heartless when one loses a parent. My mom was in her in early 60s and still had life to live but it was taken by covid. You don't "move on" from someone's death, you just learn to live with it because what else can you do?
While spiritually people try to override mourning, the Bible even acknowledges grief and mourning, while the phrase “they’re in a better place” in Matthew it states “bless those who mourn for they will be comforted” I just feel like people want to try and be uplifting without allowing others to go through their grieving time
Kati! Thank you for the vulnerability and the vulnerability hang over term.please it's okay to cry and no one thinks any different of you. Stay fabulous 😘
My dad passed away last fall from CHF, he was 94. My 18yo daughter took it very hard. As the weeks went by she began to feel even worse as everyone around her was adjusting to the loss but she was still grieving. I consoled her by telling her that everyone is different and grieves for as long as they need to. It was still hard for her. We still check in with one another every now and again. Share a fond memory and have a chuckle. But shed a tear or two as well. Thank you for this Katie. Wishing you hugs and smiles!
This list was very helpful but here is one more as I lost my Dad 26 years ago... "Time will heal your pain"... Though I don't feel as sad as the day he passed, there is no time that heals that missing part of you... ever....
My father and I used the same doc. After my father passed the doc advised me after a medical that I must not mourn my father cause I shall be joining him soon.
Thank you Kati...I survived an ectopic pregnancy Christmas 2020. Took all of 2021 to grieve. I'm still grieving because now there is this fear of trying again (I also lost my fallopian tube). Every time I have a period I am reminded, every time I see friends with their babies or bumps I am reminded.....I went to a woman's festival last summer- hoping for respite and support (which I mostly did) but one woman who had joined a womb healing workshop that I also attended, later turned to another woman and offered her more healing but then harshly said to me "I'm not offering you any help because you've not had a birth trauma"...Another woman later at the festival brought up what happened to me without my consent and began aggressively telling me what happened was my fault because I had not healed ancestral trauma, she carried on and on and on, advising me to attend sweat lodges- really bullying me like a condescending school teacher. emotionally ripping into my body- not caring it was still so raw for me (by the time of the festival I was 6 months into my healing and grieving). So thank you for this, it's been lonely. I too have taken a break and seeing a counsellor because I'm tired of being unheard- all people do is judge, tell me what to do with my body, tell me to move on or expect me to act happy and active OR I was bombarded with other women's similar stories really early on in my healing- the moment I came out of hospital so many women over shared with me, constant pinging of messages. In the end I switched my phone off. I'm ok now. Slowly getting back on my feet. But I took some time away from social media because I'm still fragile but people forget or don't care anymore- I'm old news. But I have learned who my friends are and I've become more homey and living a gentler, slower way of living. Sending you lots of love Kati, I'm so sorry about the passing of your grandma. A love between granddaugher and grandma is so strong I hear your pain, I miss mine every day xx
I lost my grandma over a year ago and I am still grieving and missing her every day, because she always gave me what my mom wouldn’t, emotionally, so I feel I have lost half a mom in a way; and a lot of people don’t understand why it is really hard for someone to lose a family member that is not a parent, a sibling, or a child because they think they are not as important. People say to me“but she was your grandmother”, like “why are you still grieving?”, which I feel like an attempt of diminishing the value she had in my life and what she meant to me. Thank you for sharing your story. I believe the more people show their struggles in social media, the better others will feel about theirs, because it fights this idea that TH-camrs and social media content creators have perfect lives and are always happy.
When my MIL passed my husband was devastated. I would just bring him a soda or glass of water, sit next to him and ask him if he wanted to talk about her or just sit together and remember her. It was 50/50. Sometimes we would just tell funny stories, sometimes we would just cry.
Just two weeks ago my oldest sibling passed, my older sister. Not even a year ago, my father passed. My adult son has severe heart failure at 15% ef and he is constantly suffering and that just wrecks me. I am dealing with 30% lung function COPD and I'm way past any false belief. I know what makes sense to me, especially when I constantly struggle just for oxygen, just to breathe. I've really held myself together after many years of my loved ones suffering and their failing health. My truth that bears out is that I hold so much honor and respect for my life now, as it is, is that as I live, I learn, my understanding evolves, and my appreciation for life itself deepens. When I interact with anyone, my first feeling is empathy. How are they doing? Hope they're ok.
Praying that we all continue to find and live in ways that help us to cope and move through the rest of our lives without our loved ones. It hurts like hell
You are all amazing and I am so thankful for your support. xoxo What are some of the things people have said that you found helpful? Or other ways people could offer support? Let's keep sharing what's helpful! xoxo
I love the "I'm here for you if you need anything" but sometimes I think it can feel overwhelming - like I don't even know what I need right now. So, depending on how close you are with the person, I think sometimes it can be helpful to also offer up a specific thing. When my best friend's mom died - I told her I would take care of the laundry. It was a small but specific thing that freed up space for her. :) Love your videos Kati!!
Sometimes that I'm here for you if you need anything almost seems empty. Although it's well-meaning for the most part. Maybe just don't know what else to say. I know the good memories double and DIN the bad memories . My two oldest children's mom died when they were very young. A teacher gave me a book called The Ten good things about Barney. To help children understand and learn to deal with death. It was a lifesaver. Because I didn't know what to say to them
I never received anything helpful or supportive
@Kati Morton: could you please do in the near future, a video about how do work with refugees, from the Ukraine war, that are traumatized and lost loved ones! Even as a social worker I am at a loss how to actually work with people that come out of a war, were they saw, how there loved ones have been killed or even tortured! Maybe it’s maybe not so important for people from the USA, but in Europe so many people do take refugee families in their homes and I think a video like that could be very helpful for millions of people in Europe right now! Maybe a video like this what to say and what not to say… but sure your videos are planed long ahead! So I don’t know, if you have the time to fit it in your schedule!
Kati Morton we are all thankful and appreciate all your videos and advice you give us I will always follow and support you Kati its good that you was open and shared how you are feeling with us ❤️
When I lost my father a friend said to me: "I'm sorry you're going through this. It will get worse for a little while but it will get better after. I promise." He was right and it helped me a lot.
My friend just lost her Mom. I gave her the same advice. I wish someone would have told me that when I lost my Mom.
Sometimes that honesty is very helpful.
Absolutely true. Another thing is, you will think about them almost everyday for rest of your life. I am 48 years old, I lost my dad when I was 39. To this day, I still go "well...dad would you do. I should ask him." in that nanosecond thought process, before realizing you can't.
The pain becomes less but never goes away. You were one of the few who were lucky enough to have known them
Personally I don’t think mine ever got better .. or ever will .. but you learn to accept it and live with it
I lost my husband of 20 years last year. I have two small kids so they lost their amazing dad. It’s been nonstop stress. Hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. Missing my best friend every single day.
I can't imagine going through that. How have you been doing now?
My Dad died suddenly when I was 4 yrs old and an aunt said to me ‘God needs your father more then you’. That planted a feeling of being abandoned that took me decades to shed. Be very careful to what is said to a child.
I remember hearing it said not to me but in front of a sunday school class that another little girls baby sister died because god missed her too much and took her back. Which through the mind eye of a small child is just...terrifying
I have heard this said to me when my mother died: "You're an adult, get over it." That is one of the worst things you can tell anyone who has lost a parent. It doesn't matter if the son or daughter is a child, teenager or adult. We feel the loss of our parents. Terrible thing to say.
So true. I was told this and it made me feel like I didn’t have a right to struggle for so long after my mum passed. I felt so invalidated. Very toxic and detrimental thing to say to anyone grieving is “get over it”
When my daughter passed away, one “friend” said: “be glad you have a big family. (My parents and only sibling have passed….2 in devastating ways). You have 2 other children. Think about me…..I only have one daughter and if something happened to her I would have no other child”.
Needless to say, I can forgive her total ignorance and lack of empathy, but have written that woman out of my life!
When my brother was diagnosed recently with stage 4 lung cancer, a pastor friend said that this is really a good thing because it will bring the family closer to God. He also said that this will give us all a deeper understanding of the death experience. I was horrified and not sure I will ever get over that lack of understanding and compassion.
I do hope that you will draw more on your relationship with God as you take this journey one step at a time. I am sure your pastor friend was well intentioned but unfortunately being a Christian and a pastor doesn’t mean your wise. This comment was very insensitive and lacking in wisdom and understanding though I’m sure this person loves you and cares deeply. God did NOT give you this journey but He can walk it with you and provide strength and comfort when you need it. Please give grace to your friend, I pray for your peace and that you and your family will draw closer to one another and to God, and I pray that you will find many precious moments of joy despite your circumstances. I pray for a great outcome! Xo ❤️❣️
You are as insensitive as the pastor. Who are you to use their grief to advertise for your deity? A more respectful thing to say has nothing to do with God. Something more along the lines of, I'm sorry to hear that, that must have been awful - is a more appropriate response.
"Anyone who has lost a love one knows that you don't recover. Instead you learn to incorporate their absence and memories into your life and channel your emotional energy toward others and eventually, your grief will walk beside you instead of consuming you." Rashida Rowe
I find that saying ‘’I ‘m so sorry for your loss’’ has been used so much in the last few years, that it has sort of lost its impact.
I’ve been grieving the loss of my best friend so thank you for this. She was 92 and my next door neighbor, but she was my best friend I loved her more than anyone.
This is so beautiful
Hugs 💜
So sorry you lost your best friend.
........
I'm sorry for your loss. I feel the same. I lost my friend to ALS in February. She was also older than me (62 years old) but no matter what age it sucks to lose someone you love.
Thanks for this. I’m 20 and my dad died from a motorcycle accident in September, my cats died soon after, and so did my grandmother. My older brother also passed away three years ago and it’s always so strange dealing with others. People often don’t know what say and they’re trying. But often, the comments can feel empty.
Omg that's hard. I hope you're doing allright and found ways to heal a bit by now. I feel your loss. Now I'll watch the video and I hope I didn't just say sth completely stupid.
Sorry to hear about your losses. My dad also passed suddenly when I was 20.
When my father died, many people would tell me how much they loved and appreciated him. It was a testimony to him and a kind way of support.
I love this too ❤️
A year after my mom passed away, someone told me I should be over the grieving. I wasn't, and that was really hurtful to put an expiration date on my grief. It took me years to start to feel ok about it, but I'm still grieving.
I think the statement "if you need anything let me know" is disingenuous. It puts the responsibility on the person that is grieving to reach out. Checking in on them and just being there is a better option but if it's a close friend you know what they need and would be easier for them to reach out
I had someone tell me that recently about me still grieving my 51 yr old husband passing 6 yrs ago and my 31yr old daughter passing 2 yrs ago.
Now she was divorced 12yrs ago and hasn't lost any children, thank goodness. So I am not real sure how she knows the grief time line.
THIS
We are never done grieving. It never leaves us, because the person never comes back. It just gets easier to carry along. Sometimes it surprises us with getting suddenly heavy, again.
I agree a 100%. I lost my mom and my dad 20 years ago when I was in my early twenties. I'm still grieving... What I learned is that time doesn't heal but teaches us to live beside the grief... It's never over... for me anyway
If you need anything let me know ...like what exactly? You should make a lost of people who said that and then phone them up everyday and ask for stuff, like milk, cigarettes, carrots, tissues.
my therapist who was like a family member to me died a few weeks ago, and i miss her so much. i’m still grieving, and i feel so lost without her, but your videos give me so much comfort. so i just wanted to say thank you for your videos, your kind voice and amazing personality always bring me a little peace.❤️
I'm sorry :( I know how close the therapeutic relationship can be, and it must feel painful to have such an important person in your life gone.
@@LindaQueLeenda she really, truly was the most amazing person i’ve ever known🤍
@@d-a-i-s-ywhat the fuck
My husband died a year ago. I so agreed with your list of "what not to say." It still brings comfort to me when some says "I'm sorry for your loss." One statement I don't care for at all is "Life will get better". I still can't imagine my future without him so how in the world will my life be better without him?
I lost my daughter at 24 weeks and the most important thing for me has always been people acknowledging that sometimes the time you have together does not always=the depth and importance of your relationship together Thanks Kati
Love this video. Also a reminder to those who feel ashamed to grieve someone who isn’t deceased: it’s okay, you can grieve someone who you’ve lost who hasn’t passed. Grief doesn’t only apply to those who have lost someone to death. Grief is defined as “deep sorrow” or a “response to loss.” Any loss is a loss.
Noah- this is so true. Divorce can create this same grief. The loss of someone you loved. For sure, lots of types of grief from a loss.....
"Grief is an expression of love". Grants permission to feel and express that grief.
You have to be careful with that one too. If you know that they are grieving, maybe, but not everyone experiences actual grief right after a loved one dies (or at all), but they still might be having a hard time with their loss. They might even feel bad about not grieving.
My dad has died recently and my family still in grieving time. Thank you for this video ❤
I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad this video was helpful :) xxoo
I’m so sorry… me too. 💕
I am so sorry!
Lost my father recently too. He was hit by another driver who ran a red light.
@@felixcat9455 So sorry for your loss.
Ironically enough I just sent a compassionate message to a grieving friend today. Glad I chose good words for them.
xoxo
I remember when my 1/2 sister called me and left me a message after OUR maternal grandmother passed, she said ‘’ sorry for your loss’’.
I was horrified. It was her grandmother too. I loved our grandmother more than anyone ever.
It was a completely inappropriate thing to say. Heartless. As you said in this video, it only works with someone you don’t know well.
Good for co workers and casual acquaintances. Needless, to say …relationship over with the half sister, for that comment and many other reasons.
I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma. My dad died recently and this video was very helpful. Grief is so difficult 😞
There is a lady in my grief support group that says, "This to shall pass". This gets on my last nerve! Grief never passes. It changes but never goes completely away! I lost both my parents, brother and most recently my 29 year old son. What do you think about this comment?
Yeah, it's also invalidating because even if the frequency or intensity "passes" like that isn't the point right, it invalidates what I'm feeling right now, like absolute hell. And the reality that is so hard to accept right now... it "passing" and more future without them is NOT a good idea to me. And it sort of feels like the other person is placating /themselves/ sometimes even though sometimes it is actually said with good intentions. I think though that most people are shit with things like this so i do try to explain why it didnt come off okay.
The police offer that came to our house when my Dad suddenly passed said that exact thing *while* they were picking his body up. Come oooon. But then again, there is some truth to it. I'm glad grief changes over time. I hope it's not tasteless to ask or phrase it that way but losing so many loved ones...how do you even carry on with everything?
@@ladyvader3173 it has not been easy to carry on! I fortunately have a wonderful church family. They have never once told me to "come on, get over it". These deaths all took place within about the last 6 years. I will be honest. When my son passed away totally unexpected I went into a deep depression. I was even suicidal. Plan and all! With all my family gone I had nothing. I sought out at my pastor's suggestion a therapist that focuses on grief. It has literally saved my life. Everyday is still a struggle! I have to hold on to people and not be afraid to be honest about my feelings with them.
@@kellihastings5987 Wow, that is rough.. I'm glad you are here still and wish you all the best in dealing with this struggle, one stranger to another. And your pastor sounds like a good man.
I feel like it’s not the grief that passes, but the acuteness of any given moment that will also pass.
My most vivid memory of my dad's funeral was one of my boy scout leaders, who had recently lost his dad as well, coming up to me, looking me straight in the eyes, and simply saying "It *sucks*" with the full weight of his own grief. He wasn't explaining that he knew how I felt. He was acknowledging that wherever I was in grief... it was a place of tremendous pain and that it must feel truly awful. I was 13 at the time, and after hearing so many "I'm sorry for your losses" it meant so much for an adult to just be candid with me. I don't know if other people would feel the same way if that was said to them, but I think there really is something to someone simply acknowledging how shitty a situation is that helps lighten the crushing feelings even a little.
Kati, what you're doing is really meaningful and precious to me. Everything you say tugs at my heartstrigs and sounds so in tune with how I feel.
xoxox
I have been married twice and both of my partners have died in my arms. The pain was and still is unbearable but I consider myself fortunate that I was there at the time. I could not sleep for weeks until I had some very good advice from my local GP. She said the reason for my not sleeping was that I was frightened that when I awoke I would have forgotten the last words we had spoken together. she told to sit down and write down everything I could remember about those last few hours. Every word, every action. touch scent and so on. When I felt I had finished to put it an envelope, seal it and put it away safely so that I could read it anytime if I so wished. It did help and I would recommend it to any one who is grieving for their partner.
“It’s weird isn’t? Are you alright?” and “Ah crap, that is shit” are two of the things said to me when I lost a friend, who was 28, to cancer. Both helped as it made me realise they felt it too (even though they had a clumsy way of putting it!) and they were happy to listen. I’ve done the same with my friend who’s just lost family. Asking them what there Dad did for work, hobbies, that sort of thing. I think it helps to talk about lost ones. I know I relish the chance to to tell folk about people who I thought were great but are no longer around. And I’m always here if you need a chat. Maybe you could tell us about the stages of grief? And I’d love to hear about your Grandmother. Tell us about her if it helps.
I love that.. asking about the lost loved one. Thank you so much for sharing!! And I am more than happy to work on a video about the stages of grief :) xoxo
I love that asking about the lives one! Getting to share happy memories is a way to help keep my dad alive with me.
@@Katimorton are my comment even showing up.i am getting reactions ethir from anyone.
@@Katimorton That will be so helpful
@@shakurwonders5216 TV .
I appreciate this so much. When my grandma died, I had a really hard time and still am. There were things said to me that still haunt me, but they came from someone who didn't have good intentions. On a more positive note, a coworker randomly started playing/singing Que Será, Será at work the next day. My grandma sang that song all the time. This person had no idea and never played it around me before
When people ask me how I am I tell the truth & say I'm struggling. Usual comments are, that's life, I know how you feel, try to get over it, move on. I find these all disrespectful & insensitive. Why can't you just hold someone's hand, hug them, sit beside them without saying a word. I lost my only child in 2019 & then his Dad just recently. How could anyone possibly know how l feel? I spent 43 years with my husband & l am getting by as best as l can through prayer. People should stop saying get over it & help the grieving get through it. Thank you for this video.
Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Just be present and utterly available.
"I'm sorry for your loss" is awesome in its simplicity. I've experienced the effect of it in both directions. I think I'd combine it with the second half of your favorite and say, "I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm here for you" and be available to listen to whatever they need to say about the one they lost or how they're feeling. (I agree with what you said about "I know how you feel," but "I can't imagine how you feel" sounds to me like they could be saying they don't want to know or couldn't relate.)
Thank you so very much Katie… I appreciate the years that you have ALREADY dedicated to helping so many people through your platform. Refreshingly authentic! Wishing you health, comfort and wellness.
I didn't know you had lost your Grandma - I've been off the grid for a while - I am so, so sorry for your loss. Today was the 4th anniversary of my Mum's passing, & I am still grieving. Please don't worry about us, on TH-cam - take gentle care of yourself, in your own time. Love to you & your family. xoxo
As a medical doctor, it's so important to be able to break bad news or comfort people. I am surrounded by a lot of religious/spiritual people at work, so I usually just wish them comfort and ease through this difficult time with prayers and support. The dead people are gone to whatever afterlife is real but being compassionate to the people who are left behind is what's important. Sometimes just being present when a family is grieving is enough
Most doctors are jerks …my doctor downplayed mum’s death by saying “ I have seen a thousand of these and most don’t end well “ total A-hole but his turn is coming .Everyone eventually loses their mum .I only wish I could be there to tell him the same silly remark
I always struggled at what words to say, and then one day I just said, "There are no words I can say to easy your pain, but know I understand your grief."
We love you Kati! #4 pissed me off especially when my aunt died at 51. She had so much life left in her and I was so angry that cancer took her too soon.
Ughhh!! Right?!?! The worst! I am so sorry for your loss. xoxoo
Anger was a big part of what I felt when my mom died. She had so much weight to carrying by still taking care of her grown son, his daughter and her 3 kids!! A few others in my family took advantage of her kindness. I know those things caused her stress. I didn't tell them off like I wanted. My son and daughter listened to me.
I was surprised by having anger as a first response.❤️
8 weeks ago, I suddenly lost my husband of 44 years. “I’m sorry for your loss,” is said by everyone. I would have rather had them say, “He was a great guy and I’ll miss his smile……or…..”Can we talk in a couple of weeks” (The grieving person needs to hear other people talking about the loss). SO DON’T FORGET TO CALL OR STOP FOR A VISIT. When you are at the funeral home, there is no time to tell stories as others are waiting to pay their respects. BESIDES…..I’m SURE THATS WHAT EVERYONE SAID “I’m sorry for your loss.” I really don’t remember, I was in such a state of shock, I hardly remember anything.
You are 100% correct on the things NOT to say, Katie! I hate all those words, makes me angry, not comforted!
Oh Kati ❤️ I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma. I also thank you for this video because despite losing a number of loved ones I never know what to say other than I’m so sorry. I’ve also told people that the pain is unreal but that it will get easier as time goes on. When my brother died, right before I woke up by the coroner knocking on my door, my brother came to me and told me, “it’s not going to be easy but I promise that you will eventually be okay” when I opened the door I immediately asked the coroners investigator how my brother died. This was before he identified himself. He asked if someone called me and I said no, but my brother came to me. The man lost the color in his face and asked to sit down. I don’t think many people believe that my brother came to me but he did.
Yes, friends come to me and we have a short conversation
When my Grandmother was nearing the end of her life I had no phone.
I had dreams about the home she had lived in all her life being emptied.
And then she came to me in my sleep and said Goodbye. I was so moved I woke up in the dim light of a breaking day.
And there was a knock on my door.
It was my neighbor who had a phone and been called by my parents to share the sorrowful news.
I hear it said the reason we feel the pain of death of our loved ones is our souls are connected.
I believe you. I know .
When my son's father was getting close to his death I said " the veil between heaven and earth is very thin over my house"
Following his sweet soft drift away...a Good Death... I discovered there is no veil.
Bereavement is not a thing we learn or get mastery , it seems to me the human body and mind shuts down for the duration to survive the overwhelming pain .
The good habits sort of propel us , if we can get up at all. And it takes its own time...moments of durable suspended minutes hours days months and miserable bouts of grieving anguish.
Thanks in my heart to everyone who spoke to me, whatever they said, and included me by calling, the meals, the walks. The arms that wrapped around me and shared the miracle of life love compassion and understanding.
Then one day...sitting in the spectacular beauty of another breaking day...I was surprised to discover my own natural inclination to be happy had turned up again.
Maybe what my Mom said over and over helped. She said " remember the happy times" She said , with her glorious movie star best sincere smile " The day I die will be a happy day because that's the day I go to be with Jesus!"
( It was not " happy" for us...we were trauma victims . But bless her heart she said what every mother alive wants for her children . Be happy for me).
Live and tell the tale.
It hurts...It may never hurt less. You may over time become stronger under the burden of the hurt so you carry it better, But It still may hurt the same. Love never goes away.
Thank you for this. I am the most awkward person at the funeral home and I never know what to say. My condolences on your recent loss.
When my mom passed away two years ago I've been told a lot of this kind of stuff. Sometimes people's words were so awkward or stupid it's hard to believe. I think people just don't know what is appropriate to say (or not say) because we kind of avoid the topic of death in our daily lives and we're not educated to deal with. So, your video is really important.
First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you had good support ever since, from friends and family.
I guess often people just want to say something supportive but don't realise how their words make others feel. From personal experience I often find it hard to say the right thing even when someone is "normal" sad or crying for other reasons than grief. Especially in times of covid where you can't just go hug your friends and family but have to use words to express compassion I think many people feel unsure of how to be there and support their loved ones. At least that's what I eperienced.
I also hope this video helps people to change perspective and find a good way to be more compassionate with their words. I hope, Amelie, I didn't say anything offensive or upsetting. Just wanted to share some thoughts/experiences on the subject :)
When my Partner died, people were surprised when i said he was in a better place as i had seen him suffer terribly before he died so it was a relief but it reassured them that i was ok about what had happened and that it came from me. People do say things that are well meant because they feel they would rather say something than not at all and think they are not being caring. It is a tricky one.
@@TinaMey Hi Tina, thanks for your comment ! I don't blame people for their awkward words - I understand they meant well. What I wanted to say is that we often don't have the correct words or tools to help people because nobody teaches us that. So this video is really great.
@@racheldemain1940 Hi Rachel. First of all I'm very sorry for your loss and what your partner had to go through. I totally agree with your comment. Personally, reading the book "The Grief Recovery Handbook" helped me a lot with understanding why people sometimes said really strange or awkward things.
'You're so strong"
And then they were gone.
Yeah, I've hid my emotions for so long that you have no idea what I feel!
The one I hated the most was "They're in a better place now." It cut me in so many ways. My mom loved her kids and we loved her. How was a place where we were not with her better?
One of the nicest things I heard after the loss of my brother, who had schizophrenia, was that his soul was free of that and will receive a higher place in heaven.
PLEASE! When someone loses a furkid, don't act like the age of their pet shocks you. Just because they had their pet 12, 15 or 18 years does not mean the pet lived too long. Or imply that. Yes, that may be a long time but it wasn't long enough. The most comforting thing I was told after losing a pet and what I share with others now was The pain is in equal proportion to the joy they gave.
I haven’t finished the video, but you nailed the fur babies part!!! It already sucks they don’t live long enough as it is💁🏼♀️ My first dog I got as an adult had to be euthanized a little after a year old and it was my fault, then I let family tak me into getting a puppy to help my ex fiancé’s dog grieve not having the one I failed… I had learned what I did wrong with my baby Lil Vinyny (the one who was euthanized) to make sure to train the newest member, Kylee to be friendly with all ages of people and all pets. 6 months later My ex and I lost my ex fiancé’s dog and Kylee… It wasn’t my fault that time at least, but devastating even though one was only a year and one was 5…. After that experience although I spoiled them and usually took them everywhere with me when I could and they died wayyyy too young, I couldn’t imagine thinking and actually saying “at least they lived that long”… I mean the more time you have with a fur baby, the more memories and the harder I imagine it has to be without them… and some people just flat out aren’t fortunate enough to understand the connection to fur family… But yeah I’m going to finish the video before responding to anything else you said
Edit:still haven’t finished the video and am I kinda all over the place with my thoughts because I just lost my big brother and my attention span was hot garbage before that… YOU NAILED IT WITH THE JOY THEY GAVE PART!!! I think I was trying to say that originally but couldn’t find the words until I reread the end of your comment. Thank you! :)
You released this video on the day of my friend's funeral. It couldn't have been better times for me, finding this today. Thank you.
Having things/troubles in common might be the most important way to feel validated and feel less alone, so thank you so much for sharing- it helps others and is so selfless. You are amazing.
One thing I've found, having sadly lost both parents now, is that after the funeral is over people will stop talking about the person you've lost. I believe it comes from a good place, they don't want to upset you, but it feels strange. I truly believe that nobody is completely gone while they still live on in memories and some of the most healing times are sharing stories about that person, daft or deep it doesn't matter. Just talking about them helps.
My older brother passed on 04/04/22 he was 31 years old. Thank you for this. One foot Infront of the other , til we meet again. 😓
❤
You have helped me so much during the pandemic. I haven't gotten to see my therapist as much and she's as demonstrative as you. Therapists that break the fourth wall are so needed.
One that was hard to hear a few months after my husband died was, "now you can do what you want to do and not have to compromise". We were a team, compromise was not a burden for us.
I had the same experience after my husband died, too. We were a good team as well and did as many things together as time would allow. I think sometimes people subconsciously project their own experiences.
I had a guy who I hadn’t spoken too since high school DM me about 4 days after my mom passed. He asked me out on a date and when I told him the circumstances of no, he then proceeded to say “well when you get over that, let me know”
Glad to say I blocked him immediately
I was 32 when my husband died. The comment I heard most from people was, "You're young. You'll get married again." It was like a knife going into my broken heart.
I lost my husband last year. This is one of the worst things people have said and continue to say to me... and while they believe they mean well, it doesn't help at all.
How does anyone even think that's helpful? Like, they're just telling that person their loved one is replaceable
Yes! I had a similar experience a few weeks ago right after the loss of my husband. It was hurtful.
Sometimes when you are grieving, you miss talking about your loved one! Some visitors just do not mention the person, like they never existed, due to not knowing what to say! I cherished the sweet remembrances!
Ty for this...I have been so awkward around people who suffered loss-I finally just started saying that I don't know what to say and I feel so bad for them . Since then I've had some major losses, including a newborn from a rare disease when I was 41 yrs old. My mom said, "Well now at least one of your children will go to heaven! Your sister better see now what happens if you wait to long to have a baby!" It's been 18 years since that remark and it still hurts.
Hello 👋 Carla
How are you doing today?
My mother's death years ago shattered me. Someone who told me they understood how I was feeling was actually the person who gave me the most comfort. Her husband's mother had died and she knew the pain he'd gone through so she GOT me. She let me talk about my pain. I needed to talk and she was there to listen. We worked at the same office but in different sections. We weren't even friends but she reached out to me helped me more than she'll ever know. I wish I could go back in time and tell her that.
The deeper your love, the deeper you Grieve for who you have lost. You cant go around it, you just have to go though it. Love and hugs to everyone who is hurting at this time xxx
Very helpful, Kati. You’re right. Sometimes we just want folks around to spend time with us (watch TV, go for a hike), and be emotionally present, for us to share stories and memories about our loved ones. For us to talk, without being judged. Thank you for the light and knowledge you share here.
I personally don’t like “I’m sorry for your loss” as a response because it feels like they’re saying that just to say it and that they don’t really care. Again, this is a personal opinion and it might be because of my past experiences with grief.
Thank you for your honesty and for Being real and vulnerable. Love your videos and have learned a lot. Praying for you
Hello 👋 rose
How are you doing today?
I was together with my boyfriend for 32 years before he had a stroke. He was in full time longterm care for another year and a half. I knew he was going to die but did not know when. Every day I would go see him. In the beginning he could be loaded up in a wheel chair and wheeled to a commom room. As time went on he lost the ability to recognize people and slept during most of my visit. I did not give up on him and kept going to see him everyday. Up to the evening before he died I would ALWAYS kiss him and tell him I loved him. During my last visit to him I walked out without the kiss and telling him I loved him. I turned around went back into his room and kissed him and said I loved him. I then left to go home. At 8:00 the next morning I got a call from his nurse that said he had passed at 6:15 am. I had been greiving since the day he went into the hospital. The pain was still there but the intensity wasn't blinding. My only comforting thought was that the last thing he heard (?) from me was I loved him. All the time together the last thing we said, no matter how upset we were with each other, before we went to sleep was we loved each other. Because if one of us died in our sleep, the last thing we heard was the other one loved us.
So sorry for your loss! I just lost my dad about 2 weeks ago, and the comments “I know how you feel” and sharing their loss stories were actually comforting to me to let me know I’m not alone as I don’t have a family to share the grief with.
You are a very strong person Kati and that’s something you will always have.
"I don't know what to say or do for you, but I love you, and I will be here for you."
Here in the South, casseroles and food are a BIG deal. When my Grandmama passed, we were gifted with enough food to open a restaurant! It was very kind.
But what I *remember* was the lady who brought a bag of ice, paper plates, plastic silverware, solo cups, toilet paper and paper towels. She also brought containers so we could freeze some of it. Very USEFUL!
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your comments regarding your grief. I am a Bereavement Minister and I know how hard it is for so many people, and I have found that what you said about just being present to them, and not have to worry about saying the right thing is good advice. But a touch, a hug, letting them know they are not alone, and checking in with them in a week, and continue to check in in the weeks ahead is a good thing. Sometimes just holding them when they are crying helps them feel not alone. Support groups may be helpful if they feel they need additional support. Validation is what most people want, and saying that you want to help them move "forward", and not saying they will get over it or it will pass because they may hurt them. Thank you for your great video.
I found it extremely helpful and comforting when I asked someone how long the intense pain and grief would last …… this person who also had lost her husband said ….. One day you will go a whole day and realise you had not thought of them! It might have taken a long time but I was glad to know it could happen!
Thank you for sharing this - my own mother passed about a week ago now, and part of me dreads going back to work as I know I'll have well-meaning coworkers saying variations of these for a time and I honestly just don't know how I'll handle it. But this kinda helps me prepare and brings comfort, and at least I will feel less awkward when I have to be on the other side of someone's grieving.
Same here my.dad.passed.on the 19th of April .I don't have an office to go to but just bringing the kids to school football etc .but day by day is all we can do .sorry for your. Loss 💓
I am so sorry for your loss. 🙏❤ 💐
Great video, between my husband and myself, in the last 10 years we have lost 12 people close to us, from parents, best friends, and extended family. The lateest being my brother unexpectedly 6 months ago.
Having only delt with loss of distant family years ago, i had not experenced real grief until my bff passed, followed by my mother a year later. Since then 10 years ago, to this latest loss, i have found i grieve very different every time. This latest being the absolute hardest. Unexpected passing of someone so close has me all messed up.
I do find i hid my grief, and shut down....aside from my husband sometimes.
I agree with "im so sorry for your loss" that for me is the best to recieve, as i dont want to talk about it, and it keeps me from having to have any real response, and with having had so much loss, and being a very empathetic person. I truly mean it when i say it to someone.
But if you do mean what you say by "let me know if i can do anything"
Just do something, dont say that, because the state they are in they are not going to ask.
Ask around to people close to them, see if you can make a meal, watch the kids, clean, or just send flowers or a coffee.
Just do something dont ask. And definetly dont say it if you dont mean it.
Sometimes it's best to just be there for that person and listen to them.
It totally sucks because I hate all of these as well, but I also cannot think of one single thing you can say to anyone that's just had someone they truly love die. There are literally no words.
Ty so much for this video. I’ve watched your videos for years as I work with adults with multiple diagnosis and I feel your videos are insightful, informative and upbeat. But this I really needed to hear and share . I lost my father two months ago, and I am deeply mourning him. He was a great man, a great friend, a great example to everyone he touched of what a Christian looks like, not by his words ( although they too helped as he was a retired chaplain) but by his quit simple way he accepted people, really listened to people, and showed Gods love through his every day life
"You have to be ok with it" is what I think I'm hearing in a lot of these. (I'm fortunate enough not to have lost anybody close, but having someone say that kind of thing must be unbearable)
I agree!
The beginning of this video is beautiful. My heart goes out to you and your entire family. There’s next to no words that can truly encapsulate the pain and ache you experience when you lose someone so close to you. You put it beautifully, community really can help heal parts of you that you don’t even know how to ask for help mending. Thank you for sharing such personal information and being open about such an intimate and raw pain. Sending so much love your way ❤️
Thanks, Katie for helping others, while grieving yourself. I am truly sorry for the pain and loss you are feeling. I must admit that I detest that saying: "that everything happens for a reason". And I reply back:
" it doesn't mean that reason is good or justified". And that usually causes the amateur "philosopher" to go silent.
Thank you Katie you have been my favorite family therapist. Your fabulous.
Brilliant video Kati. My mum died when I was 13 and I got told I mustn’t cry. I must be strong for my brothers and sisters. This unhelpful piece of information kept me stuck for years.
I went on to lose my brother, then sister, then father and 3 miscarriages. Having worked through my grief over a number of years I have turned my pain to purpose. I am now passionate about training people struggling with grief how to get the knowledge, tools and processes to handle it resourcefully so they avoid years of pain.
Thank you for all you are doing to provide support to grievers ❣️
I lost a coworker to covid in 2021 and I can remember going to her funeral and just being so emotional not even for me but for her sister. I didn't have the words to really say but I hugged her and she squeezed me so tight back as if that was just what she needed.
As I was leaving out I was saying my good-byes and my supervisor came and gave me a warm hug and I don't know if he just knew but I just became overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes a hug (in certain situations) is perfect. It's just your way of saying, "I'm here."
I don't find the comments like "If there is anything I can do to help . . ." being helpfull at all. I've been there, I've needed help, and "they" were absent. You can't really mean it, so don't say it.
A few years ago, when my wife of 52 years passed away, someone said to me (something like) "My heart aches for you. A small spark of her life's flame will live within your heart forever!"
I've lost my dad and maybe one person was really supportive and respectful with their words, a lot of other people were so weird and uncomfortable to talk about it, which is interesting because death touches all of us, yet no one seems educated about it and knows how to deal with it or properly support who is grieving.
Losing a parent is one of the worst losses. It used to be something that happened to other people, until last year when my dad died suddenly. His last known words were "Oh, no!" Despite paramedics doing everything they could to revive him, we were told "I'm sorry. He's gone."
Oh Kati, thank you so much for sharing this. I think I've gotten all of those comments including ones where people have chastised me for grieving "too long" over my mother. But the truth is that she was my best friend and my heart is broken. I don't think I'll ever be the same. And, I'm ok with that. It has been an entire year since her death and I still feel like I'm having to fight the whole world to protect myself in a very vulnerable period. It's amazing how little our society offers support to those who are grieving and how little they truly understand it. It's a breath of fresh air to find others who are going through what I'm going through. It doesn't take the pain away, but it does make me feel less alone.
Kati, Sorry to hear about your Grandma! My deepest heartfelt sympathy and prayers for you and your entire family!✝️🙏✝️🙏✝️🙏✝️🙏✝️
Thanks miss. I’m grieving with my grandma’s loss for a year now, meanwhile i was abuse with a narc family member. I wasn’t able to process one at time. Its hard but it gets better.
I went a funeral for a coworker's father who had passed. My coworker is a strong Hispanic man. A very soft spoken person. I know he was heartbroken and yet still wanted to maintain a strong facade. As I walked up to him in the receiving line, he was teary, and I could tell, overwhelmed. I didn't want him to even attempt to thank me for being there because it would force him to speak. I just gave him a very enveloping hug, and whispered, "I know, I know".
Thank you so much for being this open and sharing this part of your life with us all.
When you said “My world is better, so I want him to be here with me!” I completely understand that. I lost my mom about 5 months ago and I hated “She’s in a better place.” She wasn’t even in pain (that I know of, I wasn’t there and it was really unexpected)!!! I just felt like *here* with *me* was a better place for her, not wherever she is now!
I lost my mom in 2019 & I’m still grieving. She was my first best friend & a wonderful mother. Unfortunately when she died a friend of hers told me my mom would be disappointed in me for not attending the memorial service. To everyone out there please don’t say something like that to a person who’s grieving. I was in the middle of an anxiety attack & couldn’t attend. I know my mom wouldn’t have been disappointed in me. My dad certainly wasn’t. This person did & said other traumatizing things while I was grieving. Needless to say I no longer speak to them. Thank you for making this video Kati. It’s very helpful. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you & your family lots of love.
I still have not watched the video earlier about when you lost your grandma but I have it saved and plan on watching it... when i'm ready. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing this and opening up about your own losses. I'm so sorry you lost your grandmother, and so sorry about your father as well. I lost my mom last year, and all of your shoulds and should nots are definitely very relatable to me. The most helpful thing anyone's said to me since my mom died is just admitting "this sucks so much, I'm so sorry." Just acknowledging that it is NOT ok, and there doesn't have to be a bright side. Sure, I can tell myself it was her time to go, or she's happier where she is now, but if someone else says it TO me... NOPE. So thank you ❤️❤️❤️
Hello 👋 Cassidy
How are you doing today?
When my husband died, I hated hearing how he was an angel, or more specifically, my angel now.
I appreciate this video so much. 5 months after my mom passed I had a "friend" tell me my mom would want me to move on and be happy and he also said she was not a "saint". That and yelled at me to see a grief counselor. That day it cut me to the core. How someone can be that heartless when one loses a parent. My mom was in her in early 60s and still had life to live but it was taken by covid. You don't "move on" from someone's death, you just learn to live with it because what else can you do?
While spiritually people try to override mourning, the Bible even acknowledges grief and mourning, while the phrase “they’re in a better place” in Matthew it states “bless those who mourn for they will be comforted” I just feel like people want to try and be uplifting without allowing others to go through their grieving time
so strong of you to make these videos
you help so many people
Kati! Thank you for the vulnerability and the vulnerability hang over term.please it's okay to cry and no one thinks any different of you. Stay fabulous 😘
My dad passed away last fall from CHF, he was 94.
My 18yo daughter took it very hard.
As the weeks went by she began to feel even worse as everyone around her was adjusting to the loss but she was still grieving.
I consoled her by telling her that everyone is different and grieves for as long as they need to. It was still hard for her.
We still check in with one another every now and again. Share a fond memory and have a chuckle. But shed a tear or two as well.
Thank you for this Katie.
Wishing you hugs and smiles!
This list was very helpful but here is one more as I lost my Dad 26 years ago... "Time will heal your pain"... Though I don't feel as sad as the day he passed, there is no time that heals that missing part of you... ever....
My father and I used the same doc. After my father passed the doc advised me after a medical that I must not mourn my father cause I shall be joining him soon.
Thank you Kati...I survived an ectopic pregnancy Christmas 2020. Took all of 2021 to grieve. I'm still grieving because now there is this fear of trying again (I also lost my fallopian tube). Every time I have a period I am reminded, every time I see friends with their babies or bumps I am reminded.....I went to a woman's festival last summer- hoping for respite and support (which I mostly did) but one woman who had joined a womb healing workshop that I also attended, later turned to another woman and offered her more healing but then harshly said to me "I'm not offering you any help because you've not had a birth trauma"...Another woman later at the festival brought up what happened to me without my consent and began aggressively telling me what happened was my fault because I had not healed ancestral trauma, she carried on and on and on, advising me to attend sweat lodges- really bullying me like a condescending school teacher. emotionally ripping into my body- not caring it was still so raw for me (by the time of the festival I was 6 months into my healing and grieving).
So thank you for this, it's been lonely. I too have taken a break and seeing a counsellor because I'm tired of being unheard- all people do is judge, tell me what to do with my body, tell me to move on or expect me to act happy and active OR I was bombarded with other women's similar stories really early on in my healing- the moment I came out of hospital so many women over shared with me, constant pinging of messages. In the end I switched my phone off.
I'm ok now. Slowly getting back on my feet. But I took some time away from social media because I'm still fragile but people forget or don't care anymore- I'm old news. But I have learned who my friends are and I've become more homey and living a gentler, slower way of living.
Sending you lots of love Kati, I'm so sorry about the passing of your grandma. A love between granddaugher and grandma is so strong I hear your pain, I miss mine every day xx
I'm sorry for your loss. Prayers sent 🙏
I lost my grandma over a year ago and I am still grieving and missing her every day, because she always gave me what my mom wouldn’t, emotionally, so I feel I have lost half a mom in a way; and a lot of people don’t understand why it is really hard for someone to lose a family member that is not a parent, a sibling, or a child because they think they are not as important. People say to me“but she was your grandmother”, like “why are you still grieving?”, which I feel like an attempt of diminishing the value she had in my life and what she meant to me.
Thank you for sharing your story. I believe the more people show their struggles in social media, the better others will feel about theirs, because it fights this idea that TH-camrs and social media content creators have perfect lives and are always happy.
When my MIL passed my husband was devastated. I would just bring him a soda or glass of water, sit next to him and ask him if he wanted to talk about her or just sit together and remember her. It was 50/50. Sometimes we would just tell funny stories, sometimes we would just cry.
Just two weeks ago my oldest sibling passed, my older sister. Not even a year ago, my father passed. My adult son has severe heart failure at 15% ef and he is constantly suffering and that just wrecks me. I am dealing with 30% lung function COPD and I'm way past any false belief. I know what makes sense to me, especially when I constantly struggle just for oxygen, just to breathe. I've really held myself together after many years of my loved ones suffering and their failing health. My truth that bears out is that I hold so much honor and respect for my life now, as it is, is that as I live, I learn, my understanding evolves, and my appreciation for life itself deepens. When I interact with anyone, my first feeling is empathy. How are they doing? Hope they're ok.
Praying that we all continue to find and live in ways that help us to cope and move through the rest of our lives without our loved ones. It hurts like hell