7 Stages of Gaslighting - THIS Is How You Lose Your Sanity
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 ต.ค. 2024
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My mother. My childhood. Took me about 40 years to figure it out, then I distanced myself (moved 730 km away). And started to figure out how to be calm, and happy.
me too, to my father.
Both mother, father and siblings were narcissists. Covert and overt.
Me too. Took several years to understand Mom.
We thought we were giving our *heart* , to a *soulmate* . But, we were actually giving our heart to a *meat grinder* ....
so true
That resonates with me. That's how my heart felt towards the end 💔
I'm married to one of these things (a narcissist) and I'm so drained and the sad thing is that I said to myself years ago that all these trials and tribulations people go through and that it will never happen to me because I'm fully aware and I'll be able to see it coming. ..BOY WAS I WRONG!
So here's one for ya.......
~We thought we were giving our heart to our soulmate but actually we were giving our soul to a demon !
@@bumblebee0369 Now that's the *truth* ....
And just left to rot
1. Set you up to have a warped narrative (that something is wrong with you; internalized).
2. Repetition (More to be your best; never enough always on defense - .
3. . Accusing of starting trouble, back down from standing your ground)
4. Worn down trying to prove yourself; met with denial and it's your fault.(confusing) lose touch with trusting yourself
5. Hurt and Rescue - provoke anxiety and then give tiny bit of care - inflict mental anguish - codependent
6. False hope/trauma bonding. Victim about to leave, the abuser shows remorse, and gets them back,
7. Loss of complete control. Toxic person is in charge of everything, your thoughts, activity, money. Eggshells.
The purpose of *every moment* in your life is to *enjoy* it, not to waste the precious limited number of days you have on this Earth around people who have revealed themselves by their engaging in established consistent behavioral patterns that are toxic, manipulative and destructive -- people who *do not* care about you or have your best interests in mind. *NEVER* forget this!
They are very smart and use the facade to lock you in to a fake romance. I heard her just say female covert narcissist. I date one. It was by my relationship with Christ I was able to have a shield and to see on round 2 what was there. I almost sent her a photo of burning bridge. I insteed sent a photo of the cross and told her the master therapist can fix her,
Doug
Some ppl are raised by narcissists, and that's all they know, also there's still taboo about speaking badly about one's parents which makes it eclven harder...
Well said! Thank you!!!!!
Amen very manipulative
Bravo from Australia
We need to place more importance on emotional intelligence. There can be many wounded parts of us running in the background that we don't even realize.
I've wondered why it's not taught in school. It would be so beneficial to humans individually, as well as society as a whole.
I was cut off from the world and I thought something was wrong with me.😭
You are not alone. The same happened to me.
I grew up knowing something was wrong and I thought it was me but it was the abuse that was wrong.
I feel like walking through life with a narcissist is walking with them in a dark tunnel and you long to be connected to the world but instead you are in this weird boat with someone who you got attached to but changes into a stranger anytime and is very unreliable on an emotional level.
So if that mask falls of you feel so incredible alone.
Disconnected from the normal world of respect and harmony, basic decency plus hurt by that (fake) friend or partner right next to you.
That solitude is worse than being alone in life but free from narcissists toxicity that's for sure.
Me too
@@peaceofmindofpeace1650 I like your description. It's very accurate.
The two final stages are by far the most scariest life experiences I've ever had. Thinking back on it now still gives me the chills. It's really hard to comprehend how someone can put another person in such a confused state and twist the reality to their liking. Thank you Michele for a awesome video! I think everyone in a realtionship with a narcissist should see this.
Very interesting that you said "the only person who can get through to you is the toxic person"
I was never able to see my mom's abuse for what it was until after she told me "I'm not as nice as you think I am"
One thing I also observe is that they not only gaslight in a systematic and step by step way but also juggle between these stages.
I experience all stages of gaslighting and when I start seeing their abuse and getting free from their control they again start gaslighting from second last stage i.e showing remorse and willingness to change and making the relationship better which is just another attempt to gaslight. They are never going to change.
Richard Alston exactly. I hope to buy it someday.
Yep. The stages and cycles are intermittent. That’s yet another way that they keep you on you walking on eggshells. It’s all designed to make you feel insane. Their erratic behavior, their inability to be consistent on any level, their insistence on claiming THEY’RE perfect angelic saviors… it’s ALL systematic and VERY purposeful.
Exactly. They are always switching how they gaslight, but never stop gaslighting and are never authentic, so no real change occurs. It's a house of cards.
If you are a "people pleaser" you can be taken in by a Cluster B. You can be highly educated with a good self esteem, so you overlook the little jabs and dismiss gaslighting as a personality quirk.
I’m working on my self esteem now in group therapy.
@@mikeackerman1174 It is all about dealing with the roots of your codependency. Was your mother or father narcissistic? The damage they can do to you as a baby is tremendous.
Glad to hear that you are in therapy.
Vampire Slayer I don’t think my parents were narcissist I grew up pretty well Like I had a normal childhood there wasn’t any favoritism or anything like that
@@vampireslayer1989 truer words have never been spoken! I died from being born 6 weeks early due to my dad trying to kill me in utero. The abuse was so horrific to my mother and us. She told me the other day that when i was 6 months old, i was laying in my bassinette and my parents were fighting so much and he had pulled a gun on my mom. She said that i refused to make a sound. I wouldn't even cry. What makes it even sadder is that she did leave my dad, but she abused us and many others around us too. Before the age of 5 i was already a battle worn soldier ... Between all the abuse by many different people and being brutally raped at 4 years old, im not sure if i will EVER recover....
TRUE!
I've experienced this in many ways. My mind floods with memories of the different situations and encounters that I've had with toxic people and relationships.
Michele, I would like to bring up something about the reference point that you talked about. Because I was steeped in narcissism since I was a baby, which carried on throughout school into college, at every job, in dating and marriage, etc, I feel like I never really had a reference point to get back to. The strategies for changing that I've learned is like taking a school course on a subject that I would have little-to-no knowledge of; beginning with learning theory (book learning), then learning by doing (like a corresponding lab). I don't know if that makes sense, or not. I just don't think I ever had a reference point, except for believing that I was a born loser. I don't believe that anymore. Maybe my reference point is more like a mirage in a desert, or an illusion. But now I see that belief (born loser) as false. Now I'm moving towards gaining a sense of who I really am. I am a daughter of God, of infinite worth. I am imperfect, but that's okay because I am a work in progress. I have gifts, talents, and purposes to accomplish.
Sending you love and hugs, Michele. I'm so grateful for you! 💖
Same
yeh you so right....the kingdom of the heavens is inside you/me/etc......but if not than how to find this start/reference point...(i dont speak religios wise here, to me this nolige is common and all over the place, but cost me a lot of years whit out religion)
He would tell me for years “ you know what’s wrong with you?” Now he tells me “ why do you always want to be or start drama?”. I feel so much anxiety every time I see him. He will start verbal fights and then tell me that he loves me everyday. Sometimes I tell him if verbal fights is love how do you treat people you hate? I’m always walking on eggshells around him.He has caught me watching these videos and he tells me that lady doesn’t know crap! Why do you waist your time watching that crap? Then he tells me you know you’re a narcissist!
Girl, RUUUUUNNNNN!!!!
Wow Its sad to hear this, but when narcissists feel threatening they attack!
Yes!!!!! RUUUNNNN!!!!
Leave him, go no contact.
I would have left my abusive family, who has wrought SO much pain and destruction on my life if I’d heard--you can leave them with LOVE. Whenever I heard about cutting off people, that felt mean... and I felt (wrongly) guilty... Now I know, you can leave people in a loving way with a loving and true message in a letter... or create extremely strong boundaries with toxic family-boundaries so strict but with love. These people are very, very SICK, and I feel sorry for them--BUT letting them mistreat you is not good (or morally right) for YOU or for those with narcissistic personality patterns. If I could go back to my 18th birthday, I would go NO CONTACT except for a yearly Christmas letter filled with love.... however I would have to also absolutely HIDE where I was living and change my name. Yes, they are that bad. My mom and dad both have horrific childhoods and let all that sh** run right downhill... sister was the golden child... so I have no real family. If you’re an orphan of narcissism like me, it can be a long road to recognize it/accept it because who wants to have no family????? But it’s better to face this truth-the sooner the better. Michelle, Can you do a video about people who have NO FAMILY whatsoever because the level of abuse/dysfunction isn’t worthy of the word or the trust? I wonder how many orphans of Narcissism there are?
This is so accurate it’s scary!! I’m so glad I walked away 4.5 years ago after 30.5 years of gaslighting from my ex husband.
This happened to me for 8years. I’m still healing and I thank God for saving me❤️
I endure 13 years. Im still healing now.
Well explained. I've been in stage 7 for a while now and I have lost touch with everything. I miss myself. Your videos are always great
💜
LOVE Conquers ALL ; I disagree. Love DOES NOT CONQUER ALL! I was taught in my Catholic upbringing to ALWAYS turn the other cheek, to ALWAYS LOVE & FORGIVE, no matter what & I can tell you that is EXACTLY WHAT the Narcissist is looking for & definitely devours! That type of upbringing is well-entrenched in Catholics along with the belief that Divorce is a sin. People need to be VERY, VERY CAREFUL about passing judgments!
Was a victim of gaslighting for years!!!!! and I never knew!!!!!
"emotional Munchhausen by proxy." Right on the money.
My narc ex-wife did Gaslighting with me and for a while I fell for it, that is until I caught onto her tactics by educating myself by watching narcissist abuse videos like from this channel. Thanks Michele for this video.
Warren C Right, it’s Entirely different once you know what they are doing/their intentions/mind manipulation tactics. Much less internalization. I’m sorry for you though.
Thank you for breaking this down. Narcissistic people love 💕 taking your self esteem! - or they try too. I had to build up my self esteem again , won’t ever let some one bury it again. Love your channel Michelle & will sit back & listen & learn more from you 👈🙌☀️
Is that your... Picture... 😂😍😍😅
Yes yes yes to every question married thirty years you nailed it. My ex used to get me upset by just being mean spirited he would then calmly sit back and say what's your problem why are you yelling I'm not the one loosing it... you are out of control and over sensitive. Why do you always bring up the past...that never happened. The worse.....your not being very Christan if you can't forget something that happened a year ago. It took a new co worker who read my distress from a bad luncheon date to tell me to look up gas lighting. I found your videos and slowly became assured that I wasn't the forgetfully one...the mess up one. The one with terrible friends and family I should not associate with. I am enjoying little things so much now I'm loving life but it's a hard road because at first I became the bully in my brain to replace him. I was so critical of myself I thought I was ugly and stupid and un lovable. Only self love and these wonderful videos and faith and good family and friends pulled me out of the waves. no contact with my ex for 16 months. Thank you for helping me through this life change!
This video is waking me up and giving me strength.
People that tend to put others before themselves are like magnets to narcissists.
This behavior of self sacrifice usually stem from childhood trauma, where their parent(s) and/or caretakers are self absorbed and demand everything to be centered around them.
You need to heal your Inner Child, if this is the case for you.
Look up whatever resource that resonnates with you, but I would recommend Guided Meditations to begin with, and then move on to a more systematic approach with some reading material designed to use a pen and paper, photos of you as a child and other means to reconnect with your inner child.
Otherwise you will continue to neglect yourself and thus remain a magnet to narcissists, upholding this cycle of abuse.
Wow.. this all happened to me.. I had already been watching vids like this and could start to see what type of relationship I was in. He did the whole 'I am really worried about you' stuff implying I was nuts. So, I began to see a pyschologist and told him so. Boy has he been quiet and very nice ever since. He knows that I am now observing him (and he is textbook narc.. sooo fun to observe) and that I have him worked out. He still comes around as he is using my landlord (a mutual friend) to do stuff for him as he has every tool under the sun.. loving it.
Seems like using the "gas" is just a game for the cerebral narc who is perpetually bored. Object constancy, boring. Loyalty, boring. Not lying, boring. Not projecting, boring. Not manipulating, boring. Not causing someone emotional distress, boring. Not abusing every societal norm, boring. Not idealizing, triangulating & discarding, yep....boring. Like riding a bike, you wont forget to put your foot down before you fall (for it again). I really liked this vlog. It's amazing what the right person can convey in a few minutes.
Brad McEwen , it is not just a game. They want to feel important and powerful. They do it by constructing a game as to win, and the prize is power over the life of another human being.
@@kofeaclarrinfea9877 Agree for sure. Hindsight clarity realizing disorder comes cleverly disguised. Covert in public, overt as hell behind closed doors. To them it is no deeper than a game. Dead souls with zero holds of exploitation. It is a window into their malevolent mindset.
You have 1000% hit the nail on the head. This was MY LIFE every day!
Sometimes the gaslighter does another important thing - acts on social level and tells to everyone lies about the target that he/she is crazy and how he's worried about the target
Yeah bro that's me an my mum... She's raised me into a rage state. Now shes like a remote trigger for me. Problem is she puts on her other face so well. I scuggle to hold two faces. Or thou I have a lot of different emotions.
Oh, yes, they enjoy doing that, evil deviant monsters!
Nailed it! I’m grateful you were able to put it into order!
"You made me do it" - favourite saying of sociopathic mother.
I do relate to this example because I’m always accused instead of my parent taking accountability for their behavior towards me. Instead of changing their attitude to fix the problem, they intentionally make me look like I’m the problem. This video was so helpful. Thank you.
I feel your frustrations as I'm in the same boat. I have a Covert Malignant mother & a Covert Malignant boss. You're definitely not their problem. They're projecting. One thing that I really recommend is to journal. Write down every bizarre dynamic that you encounter along w/ the specifics. Use different color ink & highlighters to help brighten your mindset. This will keep you in your truth. Continue to educate yourself on all things Narcissism. Check out Dr. Ramani & Dr. Les Carter. They have really good content on TH-cam. Hang in there.
I'm sorry. Toxic parents do this. Try to pity them. It's a mental illness they have.
I wish that I had known this years ago …. 😢 I have continually fallen into the covert narcissists in my life … their tricks traps and manipulation tactics ….Thank you so much for these videos… they are life changing… 🙏❤️
I've been lied to, decieved, manipulated, like anyone else...the only one in my life who ever gaslit me to the definition was my ex father.
It was disturbing and the first experience where someone was trying to warp my truths and reality.
Its amazing the brashness, like their reality delusion spell they try and cast.
I've experienced alot of gaslighting on and off youtube . Michele thanks for covering these topics ! I was accused of being married , that I was a beta & someone named John slept with my wife ! I was like wtf ?
Kinda same happened with me ! After going no contact he texted me saying that 5 men came into my life in the month of November or December and all have bad intentions towards me they all want to sleep with me and one of them had fair complexion curly hair I was like wtf is that now .. and then he said January was a tough month for you some Astrologer told him and he wants to protect me by texting me in the month of march after two months of January and he said to my mother directly on phone call that I'm sleeping with 5 men atm..
Thank you so much for this video! Every single thing you have mentioned rings true for me! I feel vindicated in knowing that it really wasn't me all this time. I wasn't the one who was causing problems or the one who was always to blame even though they still try to accuse me of such things. Please make a video on how to get to know yourself again after distancing yourself from toxic families like this. I have no idea who I am anymore. It is disturbing. I try to find joy in things and it is so difficult and bizarre because I've been on the defensive mode and blocking the pain for so long that I have lost touch with myself and the beauty of this world. xoxo
Stage 1: they set you up to have a warped narrative (goal is to get you to think there’s something wrong with you acting like they’re ‘helping you’)
Stage 2&3: repetition. Now nothing you do is right but they’re tryna ‘help you be a better person’ so now you’re trying harder but nothing is enough. You’re constantly on the defense. You still have a good hold on your reality and then you say something about how u feel and instead of responding in a healthy way- they escalate, deny and say stuff like “I’m just trying to help you” “you can’t take criticism”. Not only are they holding firm to the belief that somethings wrong with you, but now they’re accusing you of starting trouble and causing drama. Now you’re trying harder to show them your truth. Since you don’t want to be seen like something you’re not you continue.
Stage 4: you get worn down. You did so much to prove that you’re not what you’re being accused of, but your being met with further invalidation and further denial. They will twist the convo and make it think it’s your fault in a way that it’s scary. By the time you finish the argument you don’t even remember what the original topic was. You start to feel helpless. You start to put so much emphasis on the other person’s point of view and diminishes their own in their own eyes.
Stage 5: they begin their hurt and rescue missions. They will give you severe anxiety and wait until you are absolutely devastated from the hurt and pain, they will rescue you with a tiny brief morsel of care. What they are creating is a co-dependent relationship between you to them. (Like munchhausen by proxy- they will hurt their child and then save their child while they are the ones provoking the illness) when victim is at this stage, it doesn’t matter what anyone says, they can’t get through to you. The only person with the power to get through to you is the toxic person but they use it to hurt you.
Stage 6: false hope. When you finally have one foot out the door, the narcissist will show a morsel of care to make you think that maybe there’s hope. To get you to think that maybe everything will get better.
Stage 7: loss of complete control to the toxic person. At this stage they are in control of everything, your passions your dreams joys, money, everything.
When you wake up are you excited or waking on eggshells? When you think of doing something for yourself that makes you feel good, so you have to hide? Does that person have the ability to control your emotions? Do they have that power? Making you feel like they are in control of your emotions?
Do you feel like not only did you stop being who you were but now you’re slowly taking on their toxic traits and they’re somehow swapping personality’s and showing traits you has in the past.
Swim your ass back away from drifting deeper into that ocean. It’s legit an ocean tho. See yourself through your own eyes instead of how someone wants you to be. That way if you ever meet someone like this again, you will know yourself well enough to not allow yourself to go into that.
You been hurt enough, there’s no reason for you to hurt you ♥️
My covert comes right out and tells me I’m crazy,nuts. I’m in group therapy she refuses to go. Then tells me I don’t see that I’m crazy. But, she does!! This is my wife by the way.
Lucky guy! LOL
Get away from her! Or go gray rock! Live uour life, my friend
Pacis Ndahiro I have 2 kids as well. That’s kinda hard but I’m slowly coming to grips with it.
My spouse, too!
Same with my hubby. I am going to therapy for CPTSD, but he uses this to claim I am crazy when he gaslights, emotionally abused me or values me.
Woman, you are the Narc Whisperer. You have a way to explain so succinctly. This can get a bit confusing sometimes.
To be fair, I think most people exhibit some of these behaviors every great once in awhile. Let's keep letting people know about this disfunction before it becomes "how it is" for everyone. Bless you, woman, and great job rising above this yuck.
Love your work Michelle, when changing careers I moved in with covert N mother (& codep father) out of curiosity of how codependency became a problem in my life. I went on to find great resources like this to understand that and as well as the biggest mistake ever made to rely on them for shelter. The most relevant coaching I have heard for me thank you - fixate on the beach reference point for who I am - strengthen self identity, self love, heal wounds. This is most important day to day because the psychological assault never stops in the broken home even from a mother. Someday soon no contact for sure, your shared experiences here has given me much hope Michelle!
Hit the nail on the head with this one Michele!! Thank you :) 🔥
Thank you Michele for all your videos, I'm stuck in a relationship that is so toxic he does exactly what you talked about ,he gets violent most the time when ever he is called out or ask a question from me and he will turn the focus on me where I totally forget what the heck I ask him and now I'm the one in the wrong . I want out so bad but I don't know how to leave its his house my car and most everything in the house is mine ,but he will not let me leave and if he does he won't allow me to take anything and threatens to destroy everything of mine if I do leave .
Thank you. You have confirmed everything that has happened. Answers to your question would be YES. I am divorcing the narc but lockdown and sale of the family home is holding things back. I have successfully slammed the door but he is still grooming my daughters easily because he has cancer. ❤❤
They will also call you delusional! Run!!!!
When someone was rude to me, my husband would say "What did you DO to her"?" as if I caused or deserved the rudeness.
My ex was "helping" me in the beginning, by yelling for hours about how men and women can't be friends. This came about initially because we were out to dinner and I mentioned I'm going to the range with my buddy that Saturday and he lost it in the middle of the restaurant. Said he doesn't want to hear about "other" men while we're together. It was so bizarre to me. My buddy of 6 years, no attraction whatsoever. He said I'm probably the reason my good buddy's marriage is deteriorating, because we go to the gun range and Starbucks once every few months and his wife is probably resentful and that's why she cheats. He told me I won't be going to hang out with my buddy while we're together and that he's just trying to help me understand male female dynamics. He said eventually something will always happen (sexually) and that if he's ever friends with a woman I should be worried. Then fast forward a couple months into the relationship, he'd use him showing other women attention to try and get a rise out of me, with the understanding men and women can't be friends, and he was talking to, texting, spending time with a woman while he was mad at me. Then when I'd call him out, he'd tell me I'm acting like a psycho (I was just talking...) and jealous, and that I need to let it go and move forward. No matter what mind game he played with me, and it was always something, he'd twist things around to where I forgot what the hell we were talking about or what my point even was. If I showed anger or sadness, he'd call it female emotions and invalidate me having a valid concern or observation. God typing that just makes me angry all over again.
OMG!!! That happened to me by my mother. She even got others to say those things to me too! I would never try to be me because "there was something wrong with me." THANK YOU for outlining this! I was able to pull myself out (before Stage 7) and I am no contact with my mother and father (he enabled/enables her so I had to cut him out too). I have a question though...Why/how did she become this way in the first place? and Why did she choose me over my younger brother (golden child) or younger sister (I think she's the forgotten child)?
Narcacism is formed from neglect, abuse, and sometimes over spoiling and indulging, and so it's a childhood response to trauma, so adult narcs most likely had a narcissistic parent, and narc parents pit kids against eachother and everything in the narcs life exists to please them or make them look better, so they think they are there for there gain, so they look and feel better, because they have non existent self esteem and worth, it's so sad that any parent would treat their children that way, and your father is an enabler, also its definitely best to go no contact if the situation was toxic to you, and I'm sorry to hear about your experience as a child
Beth Hornick,you deserve better
Incredible .. I’m stuck in quarantine and my brother is doing just that to me.
His partner always tells me he see’s nothing wrong in his behavior towards me, and that makes me feel like he wants to allow it as well. It’s been hell.
I’ve been keeping my distance and not reacting to him at all, but somehow he always finds the way to say I did something wrong, and triangulates me with his partner.
His partner apologized several times saying I’m not the person my brother always wants to portray me as, but then acts like nothing ever happened.
It’s crazy, when I’ve successfully avoided him for long periods of time, he looks tired and depleted, and I always say to myself ... “oh boy, he needs to feed on me cause he’s going to snap”. That’s exactly when he figures out how to come at me, and then he looks better for some days.
I feel living with a crazy person, and an accomplice.
Michelle I just personally want to say thank you. I think you are beautiful in the way are education people on this form of abuse. Some of us are so clueless and blind until we see stuff like this. Stuff that opens our eyes up to the truth and the hurt that has fallen on us. I send my love your way thank you for your videos!!
Thank you. Because of your videos i was able to get out of a very abusive relationship. 3 years on I'm ready to start dating again xxx
Creating codependency needs to be talked about more
I know I somehow picked up the toxic traits from my abusers something I'm not proud of .
Start meditating! It helps ! Atleast it helped me during difficult times and I hope it does for you as well !
@@niti470 Thank you for your advice Private Private will defiently try that 🙏💗!
Craig M search about vipassna ! and start meditating at home as well ! Takecare ! 🙏🏻
It's kinda like getting fleas. But with enough cleansing of the soul and oh yea, zero contact, your true self returns. Damn narc fleas.
@L EH YES!!! Jesus has been my hero and always will be! I'm not out yet because i am really seeking His Will. Its weird though because my husband was SUCH an a- hole to me for so many years until i developed thryoid cancer and my second endocrinologist actually told my husband and grown sons "She LITERALLY cannot handle anymore negativity or toxicity and if you all don't help alleviate her stress, you're gonna lose her....." So, he moved us to the country away from family and friends and seems to have changed a lot, but i still see remnants of his old self. I cannot determine if he really DID change, or if he changed his tactics? All i know is that i went gray rock for a while and won't let him touch me sexually because i don't have those feelings anymore after 25 years. This scares me?
This is quality helpful information. Thank you!
One major red flag now for me is when someone else is "trying to help you be a better person" - start questioning that.
This is exactly what happened to me.
WOW, so on point!!! I live this for months and it destroyed me. Never again!!!
They are paid to stalk you and it don't matter. Do not give them love, sex, convo or a response.
I was just wondering about the connection to gang stalking. I scrilled down and here you are.This is straight up spiritual warfare .what a reveletion, thanks.
Oh wow….
Why does this remind me of my tennis coach. The other teammates would pick on me, and if I said anything back she would start yelling at me. She then told my mother that I didn't know how to take constructive criticism.
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You were their punching bag... 🤽♀️
This is the best explanation of how I felt when I was with my ex. Thank you for this video. It helps me getting an understanding of what happened from an objective perspective. The more I understand about the psychology behind these things the more I can work towards no longer blaming and hating myself for being in the situation I was in.
would you be able to do a video on nihilism as a cptsd response? I feel it is one of the biggest roadblocks to my healing and the thing that stops me from moving on, yet I can't seem to get past it or understand how this belief developed after trauma (As it has strengthened with every trauma I've gone through)
Watching this video has really opened up my eyes. I am on stage 7, and just recently was made aware that the way I have been treated by this person is wrong and abusive. I am focusing on healing and working on myself. I currently can't get away from this person but I can learn about healthy relationships and not fall prey to their manipulation and abuse anymore! Thank you!
TYSM, Michelle! Here I am an RN...A Psych R.N. mind you...now retired! I was good there but once with/around *them* I turned into a babbling idiot and defending myself against lies...in no time and The Narc Foo efforts...Playing tag...going around the table and taking turns going AT ME! And YES Plenty of F/S/B/G tactics all at JUST me. In all the methods and systems you mentioned! NC now.
Very Helpful Video.
Thank you!
Well I dropped out of school in 11th grade so this is going to be nearly impossible... from the age of 16 I've never been independent enough to consider myself ..Free to think about me. Michele made it so clear, that even I understand it. But awareness feels more painful than anything a Narc could do . So you may ask yourself why do I come back to Michele's videos if they're painful? I can't put it to words.. But I can give an example ..Yesterday I laid in the grass looking up at the clouds with sun rays shining through .. my mind was empty .. It took me back to my childhood. Everyday from Sunrise to sunset I would spend at a pond fishing and trying to catch frogs..I was alone..I was happy..That is the feeling I had yesterday looking at the clouds..Free ..hope and excitement of becoming what ever I wanted.. I may make a real fool of myself spilling out my emotions like a 10 year old girl ..But it works ...
You are no fool!!!!!
You are not a fool. That's what abusive ppl put in your head. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It helps everyone going through extreme abuse.
Your awesome😁
How cool to have a moment to be just BLANK. It's nice to hear that you were able to find solace as a child. I think about all us kids who found ways to escape somehow and just marvel at the creative ways we found to do so.
These dynamics rob you of a chance of being a SELF to begin with.
Every day is a new day.
Every day is a chance for salvation.
I think feeling more pain when we first become aware that we were victims of narcissism is normal. Even though it hurts, I too kept turning to more and more videos. I had to learn more, because even though it hurt, and I cried a lot the first few months, it was... Cleansing? Healing? I'm not sure what. Maybe it was validation in the illumination. It was seeing the truth of my past, and present reality. Maybe it's like one of the steps of grief when we realize what we've been through. Anyway, I think the pain passes, at least it seems to be for me. I keep watching videos though because every once in a while my brain takes me down the old guilt path and second guessing myself. The videos keep me on course. Best wishes to you on your healing journey!
I don’t know who else this may resonate with, but ill put it out there anyway. The gaslighting was so bad for me, that I could never see “who” she really was or “what” she was doing. But thank God, when we got married, her true self came out immediately! I know it was a awful time to find out. But I’m also glad that the Lords union through marriage was so strong, that her mask fell off to a point that was unmistakable.. it was the worst year of my life trying to move on. NEVER, EVER, EVER identify them as a narcissist. This only makes the Hoover’s that much worse. They know how to turn up the attraction, pity, abuse, guilt, blame and more! So please, if you are reading this, and you have any kind of red flags or doubt in your mind, DO NOT MARRY THEM!!! Finally, just to prove how bad this is. We are divorced now (bc i refused to put myself at a life long risk) and she still calls me-from foreign numbers that she somehow knows how to redirect past my blocked features. And when i notice its her text, just be strong and do not read the text... its going to be hard, but its best for you
Congratulations on getting the courage to leave
THEY ARE CRIMINALS AND WILL KILL YOU..EXPOSE ALL DARKNESS TO THE LIGHT..HIDING GIVES THEM MORE CONTROL AND FUN TERRORIZING YOU..THEY LOVE TO DESTROY YOU ANY WAY THEY CAN..YEARS AND DECADES GO BY AND THEY WILL STRIKE ..WHY..BECAUSE YOU FOUND REAL LOVE AND YOUR LIFE IS FILLED WITH JOY..READ TRUE CRIME AND SEE HOW THEY WORK IT ...
I was stalked for two months. He would use google numbers. Showed up at my job. I had to get a restraining order. All for him to exclaim he was going to therapy. It hasn’t stopped him yet almost a year later from trying some old tactics.
KEEP CLOSE TO LAW ENFORCEMENT..@@ericarice4588
Oh no... You poor thing😢🌹
Thank God he save me from this destructive situation... All these gaslight tactics I saw right through and finally caught him out cheating, what a aweful demonic situation
I'm thinking I'm a victim/survour of domestic violence. I am in the process of getting out of the situation I'm in and police are on my side with whats happening so far and I already talked to the police about maybe putting a restraining order on this group of people that did bad stuff to me. I must say this video you made is quite accurate. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD from trauma I've been through and I have majour physical health issues from mental health problems and I have a disorder that's PTSD related and it makes me have it looks like sezures but their not actually sezures. I'm completely consious while I'm having the sezures and they happen on an off throughout the day every day. I have halusanations from trauma stuff I've been through and I also have 22q11.2 Deletion Syndrome and I have been taken fully advantage of. I'm not letting them bullies win anymore. I'm taking back my life.
One of my favorite activities is watching movies. My parents and I would bond by watching movies together and quoting them to each other later in conversation.
When I lived with my abusive ex, my video library was largely boxed up and stored in the basement in a room we didn't regularly use. I was made to feel ashamed of not only of picking through my movie collection, but for merely being in the room where that collection was stored. When I was called to fetch something from the basement, I would sometimes sneak a look at that source of passion and entertainment that had been abandoned.
... of course I would get yelled at for lingering too long downstairs...
to go through all possible shades of gaslighting without getting crazy is only possible with a lot of self-control, self-awareness, and a few good people that remind you of who you are. I don´t know why but I took screenshots of chats with her what also helped me to prove what is said and what is not. A repeated broken promise to be there at an appointed time is also some kind of gaslighting especially when they deny to said so came up with lame excuses all the time. A permanent accusation of being angry, sad, negative, lazy, stupid, unattractive, impolite, jealous, crazy, etc. causes a lot of brain fog. They even switch the sense of your statements claiming you to insult, attack, and so on. Gaslighting is an insidious weapon and the damage it can inflict is not to underrate.
Thank you Michele. This is an anxiety and resentment provoking topic but your way of delivery is not triggering those emotions for me.
Michelle please go listen to the tapes recording of Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. It is a master class in narcissistic abuse. Wow. Please do an episode on it
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
Wow... I was around the 2nd to last stage but I did leave and told him he couldnt tell me what to do anymore and meant/showed it... unfortunately I still love him... waiting to divorce at the moment... so not out of the woods yet.
That’s what my dad and sister did to me for years.....I hate them for that, I always thought it was me? what gets me is they did it on purpose, that makes me sick☹️😬
Wow, this is so accurate about parenting style...
Thank you for your work!!
My perents didn't want me to have any friends but they had friends.😭
Wow so evil I'm sorry about your parents nature my father used to criticize all of my friends.
Later after I found my own way and identity I let go of old friend groups bc I felt control.
Then my father criticized me that I left all my friends behind..
It was always me.
I was wrong. He did not consider the possibility that my development in life could be related to my choices. It was negative instead of supportive and positive.
Such parents are probably projecting their bitter frustrations on their own children who did not ask to be their children.
Thanks for caring,I believe now that was the case. Their own insecurities.
Everything that my mother forbade me from doing, she did.
That's my two perents!
Mine too..
The only time my mother would compliment me is to prove me wrong that she never compliments me by giving me one. But then, it's not a compliment, it's "proof that I'm wrong."
Thank u for helping me to understand after so many years,I was trying to understand why,my perents did what they did.
Offense/Defense is such a great reference I’m always on the defense, waiting for him to lose it. Then everything I do is wrong, everything he does is right or has he like to say prefect. And blame shifting, he is the expect at it. I need the courage to walk away.
I really hope you do. It can be a long hard journey. Honestly; if you do get away, I hope your recovery is faster than mine.
Hi, Michele. I know it's a bit off topic, but I felt driven to say this to you: you have a very beautiful voice. Of course we watch your videos because of your great content, and because it resonates with our own experiences on how we have been almost destroyed by our narcissistic parents (my mother in my case) and by all of our narcissistic friends, coworkes and so on. But it was more then once that I caught me appreciating your voice tone. It's different. Kind of a warm, pacifying tone that fills the environment, I just don't know how to explain it exactly. Anyways, if you have an opportunity, and if you haven't done it yet, consider giving it a try to singing. You sound like you have a lower tone than the average women, I think that is what keeps making me feel like you'd do very well on singing since you have a non average voice.
Anyway, this was just a thought I was thinking about and decided to share. You could do very well on singing, who knows? I really think you would do!
Thanks for this video on gaslighting. It really looks like the process I went through while fighting a little human devil in my previous job.
My Wife developed a relationship with the Justice if the Peace and Sheriffs Dept. She would secretly call them making up stories so awful it literally caused an investigation. In fact she was able to get Law enforcement to join in her gaslighting campaign. I was framed taken to jail. On the way deputies took me out in the desert and put a gun to my head pulled the trigger to terrify me.
How in the world was she able to pull that off. I don't have a chance.
We could not sleep in the same room/bed because of me. lol. I would wake up and immediately be concerned about making too much noise by opening bedroom door of the room I was allowed to sleep in or turning on shower so I would sneak out and go to the gym to shower. Would not eat at home because didn’t want to make a mess. On and on. Could not mention that I had spoken with family. Could not take any calls in narc presence without creating issue. Could not discuss small successes. Lived, breathed, slaved for narc. Still got cheated on and treated like shit. So glad I’m gone but it’s still hard even after two months no contact.
Keep it no contact...! no matter what...!
it is so essential for your future and your life without the narc.
the hardness is because of the Trauma Bond and you have to admit that to yourself.
I'm personally 2.5 years no contact... and even me sometimes get the thoughts of to good times I had with her (my Narc).
but then, I force myself to remember the big shit she use to make and I get back to myself and keep myself NO CONTACT. Good luck!
Thank you
Can they gas lighting you by making plans and then cancelling all the time and then say oh I could of come but I didn't really want to.... And try and get a response out of you.. By being just plain nasty especially on your special days.. Make you feel like you are just not worthy of their time?
They love to mess up special occasions. They excel at it. It is meant to bring you down and ruin your happiness.
I was laying in my hospital bed after having a csection and recovering from having preeclampsia. I was dangerously physically ill. My husband at the time, the babys father, seemed to all of a sudden, switch personalities and pick an
arguement for no apparent reason and then accuse me of it being my fault. He stormed out of my hospital room in a snit and spent the night in the NICU with our new baby girl, while I laid in my hospital bed alone and paralyzed from the waist down, and I had no idea why. On the way home from the hospital, he found every stop sign he could and then sped up and then slammed on the brakes.
This was the beginning of his psychological and emotional abuse towards me. One we were home, he tried to interfere with my ability to breast feed, yelled at me constantly, called me a bad mother, and tried every dirty trick he could think of to prevent me from bonding with the baby. I left him and filed for divorce just before she turned 2. I later learned there is a name for this behaviour towards women who have just given birth. It's called post partum abuse. If I had have stayed, I realize now he would have started to physically hit me. I also have readon to believe he had an affair while I was pregnant and sick. My daughter will be 18 this fall. She is going to start university. She wants to be a teacher. We are ectremely close. Leaving was difficult at the time. He terrorized me for years afterward, but it was the smartest move I ever made.
Totally... Up and down... Cut that game, sweetie... Find a real christian, gentleman... Not this insane psycho freak🤦♀️🏃♀️💣🚮
Did you make this one in Espanol too? .. Your so attractive even when I can't understand you I still listen.. lol thanks for another video great info as always.
it is all so true (& sad...)....- that's what happens when being with narcissists... But thank you so much for sharing your knowledge, insights with us - it is so helpful & it's bringing so needed understanding & hope*** Thank you, Michele 🙏
You’re so awesome! Thank you for helping us. You’re a beacon of light in a world of darkness.
And, I have a theory that the really malignant narcissists target individuals who are strong, successful and have a mind of their own because then, if they break you, they feel supremely powerful. Fortunately, I knew what all these things were before they started happening so I recognized it.
Because of earth angels like you!
Happened to me, I was lied about reality and I believed the lies and got crazy. WOW THAT'S WHAT MY MOTHER DID I NEVER STUDIED ENOUGH OMG! Even when we were out I was getting anxious for not studying despite she took me out OMG. At times I wanted to die. I still become so sad at times I wish I was dead, my heart suffers. And my ex girl hurt me so much I couldn't feel any happiness for years, I lost myself. And I was self torturing myself after I broke up.
An example of this. I had a long relationship with a guy. Over time I realized that I really wasn't accepted by his family of origin. I would try to start a conversation and could tell no one was really interested in what I had to say. I asked him why I wasn't feeling accepted and felt like an outcast. He told me that I didn't talk enough. I.e. It was My fault I couldn't make them like me. Rid of that mooch because I finally realized he enjoyed watching me Beg and squirm. It will leave you feeling raw. Our narc parents set us up for this treatment. And I truly believe that they were nothing short of evil.
You described it very well, and freely. I shall tell you what was most painful for me : to realize it's my own parent who did to me what to enemies would be done.
Definitely my biological mother, my younger sister and ex "best friend". It'd been a whirlwind of toxic people. I have lost everything. Rock bottom.
Wow, my husband is not a narc but his mom was a covert narcissist. My husband had gotten very involved in gaslighting me to get me to join in the narcissistic family cult and to avoid having to get involved when his mother inflicted narc abuse on the kids or on me.
I am still figuring all this out because I only realized MIL was a narc a few years ago... Right after she got a stage 4 cancer diagnosis.
She used that diagnosis to her full advantage. Initially I had hoped she would change her ways but no, she did the typical narc thing and got worse.
My poor husband told me he was holding out hope that his mom would take these, her last days, and use them to become the mother she never was to him. It was heartbreaking. She would treat him like absolute crap and then wait several weeks and lure him back in, invite him over or buy us dinner, ect. He fell for it every time, grasping onto that futile hope that she would change. She never did. Just a month and a half before she died she played one more ugly trick on our 12 year old daughter whom MIL was jealous of, leaving my child the only granchild who never got a special handmade gift she made for all the rest of them. Somehow she got away with this cruelty.
Is the narcissist aware of their actions ? Such as the gaslighting or the manipulation (love bombing , throwing morsels ) or taking away my enjoyment in the moment ? Or are they just caught up themselves in bad patterns ? Are they "evil" for these bad relationship patterns ? What am I for my own relationship issues ? Who is worse ? I can understand calling something a toxic relationship .. When two people just fuel each other's worst points ... But I don't understand the point in which it becomes understood that the narcissist is the evil one and the co dependent is the victim. Don't they both have serious issues they need to work on ?
This video is so good! How does someone deal with a grown sibling who fits this 'profile' of the narcissist/gas lighter? How can I love them 'from a distance'?
Angela, love yourself enough to not put yourself through this pain.
We are groomed from childhood to care for our siblings. Now put healthy love first.
Start cutting out what is unhealthy. Develop healthy relationships. All the best.
@@purvamandlik4696 You're right, thank you. I'm working on these things. It feels so difficult sometimes but you're so right. The sick cycle has to end. I truly appreciate your advice. Peace & love to you.
You said it... Love them from very far... 🚮🏃♀️
talking ablout this with anyone who never experienced it == you look like crazy. Be aware. Michele thanks
Repetition, Narcs love to repeat things that they think will annoy you like you might call a type of thermostat,, a digital set-back thermostat, the narc will say,,, you know that they are really called programmable thermostats dont you?,,,then the next 6 times the narcissistic/borderline/psychopath sees you the first thing it will say is,,,,, Hay ,,, did you get that dang set-back thermostat,,, lol,, lol,,,looking for any anger emotion at all. I refer that as the broken record technique.
So true
Thank you. Finding your content was what started my healing. 7 months ago I went no contact and hated myself. I was at my lowest, and 2019 had already done a number on me due to the exposure to the person that triggered all my fawning, sld/codependency, anxious attachment, abandonment fears etc. I thought breaking contact with them would be the hardest but the months after were. Self harm, screaming and crying and throwing things. I was nothing but anger with myself and immense shame and grief. I'm in an emotional/mental place ive spent my entire life believing I could never ever get to, and this is only the start of healing.
It is so incredibly hard. It's so painful. But it is worth it. Getting to know myself for the first time in 26 years.
They draw their target in with their false self. It is really tough to find your reference point if you never had a chance to develop one. Targets start with, or develop, a lack of self too. Focus on growing your sense of yourself to heal.
Thank you for making this video ! I was abused by a diagnosed narcissist and was so stuck in the self blame and the renumerating of the events . He convinced me that I was defective and not worthy . It’s taken years to slowly restore me to the old me
What you said about the personality swap is so spot on please make a video on that. I felt that u had such a quiet confidence before him and then I became the most insecure person I’ve ever met and he become calm and confident like I was. If you already have a video on this let me know.
I've never felt more validated by your description of my mother. God bless you❤
Many a rumination where the Munchusen by Proxy thought crossed my mind!