Cant explain it til you feel it and go through it. Otherwise people put it down to their own logical experience of abuse, and this seems and feels illogical... you can think your going insane if you are not aware what it is. Thank goodness at least for the awareness, eventhough practically it makes it no easier. I hope your soul renourishes, and the cloud of self clarity part so your inner being and clarity shine through... much luck in your healing... I dont think there is an easy way through. ...
@@leahc8347 thank u for ur kind words,Narcissist abuse crashed my spirit,currently dealing with trauma bonding from past 10 months..I m trying to heal somehow..
Mine asked me to sell my successful business, leave all of my family and friends behind, and move to his state. He never once was willing to drive or fly to me. Not once. I’m so fortunate that I got out but why do I still think about him? He was awful. I feel so stupid and trapped.
Same here. Parent's like that prep their kids into excellent codependants and people pleasers. Luckily we have the option to learn how to brake free from that as adults!
The narcissist trains you to seek validation from them by making you not trust yourself. The key to releasing the trauma bond is to start trusting yourself again. Validate yourself, trust your own intuition.
Great word: validation! We all need it and seek it naturally. this part was really hard for me because I did not even realize that I looked to him to validate everything about myself. He most certainly wasn't looking to me for any! "We could use one of your ideas if any of them were good!" He said this to me in front of a co-worker. Bonus points?
Before I got with him, I was in a very bad depression for 4 years, and it got so bad that I had tried to kill myself multiple times and needed to be taken to a centre. I don’t have parents or friends, because I’m a fosterchild.. I move a lot, and it didn’t seem like it was worth it to make connections. One day I met him, and he was there for me hours, nights.. all the time and I finally felt love.. and I actually ‘cured’ from my depression within months. Right now we’re 2 years later and I see myself in this situation, a trauma bond. Im scared to leave bc I don’t ever want to go back to being depressed, and im scared I will be. Last time when I only thought of leaving I started puking and shaking and I feel like my body can’t handle leaving. How can I leave slowly? Like is it possible.. just to take ur time while still being loved, or replace it?..
I had such a breakthrough moment of introspection while watching this! I am only 5 days out of my severely abusive narcissistic marriage. Let me share my personal insight on stage 7 addiction. The love bombing phase was so intense and passionate and it lasted about 6 months. He was empathetic, sympathetic, thoughtful, emotionally nurturing, Romatic, loyal and so soft and loving. Fast forward down the road to when the mask fell off and his true identity was revealed. My emotions made him angry and rage. I was groomed not to talk about them or have any. He expressed how he was disconnected from feelings (except anger/rage caused by me of course) He did not ever agree with my feelings and I had the problem....called overly sensitive. The passion had died. I woke up to realize I was married to an emotional zombie. Indifferent, insincere at best, and always looking for a fight. My breakthrough: I became "addicted" to the fighting because......drum roll....that was the only passion I got from him anymore. It was the only emotion he would share with me anymore. He would rip me apart and fight passionately. It was the only attention he would give, it became the only time he would talk to me (to trigger me into a fight) His fake persona of kindness and charm was reserved for those on the outside. I was the enemy and emotional/physical punching bag of this Narc. He was such a womanizer too....but only I saw the truth, he doesn't love women....he loathes women. Detests them. In the confines of our home he would address any female (including his mother) profane and derogatory names. Calling them objects or it. Devaluing the entire female gender. Monster 👹 Anyway there it is, I stayed and held onto this toxicity to the very bitter last drop until he discarded me. I wont lie...I have peace in my home again, but the silence is SO loud its terrifying. I have moments of missing him through my grief and I know he will try to hoover me. I am mentally and emotionally strengthening myself for this. I am blessed that I recorded some of our arguments and I listen to the gaslighting, rage, and disgusting ways he talked to me and my "missing" him turns into anger. Its all I have to keep me strong. I play it sometimes when the silence is too loud at home alone....it empowers me to rise from the ashes! Best of luck to all the beautiful and strong survivors out here. You are SO WORTHY of love and respect 🙌 ❤ shine brighter then before. These narcs operate in the dark shadows of deception, but know that if you shine bright...light defeats the darkness. They tried to snuff your light...to dull your sparkle and to destroy what makes you so special....the one thing they don't have, a heart of Gold filled with empathy and compassion!
THANK YOU FOR THIS. Everything you said was so true and I can relate to every word. All these narcs have the same personality and it boggles my mind how many are out there and preying on not just vunerable women but also strong women as well. Thank you.
Spot on. I knew one as a mere acquaintance who I loved, but this is so true. He keeps trying to trigger me to fight with him in a weird way. And I realized that this is not normal, not how you communicate with a woman, and stopped taking the bait.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told myself, “It hurts more to leave than it does to stay.” When she said this towards the end, I gasped. Because it was SPOT ON.
I would not call it love bombing I call it tricky crual bombind design for the the wrong type of people to lure and set a trap for the victims and othere people to fall in the rabbit hole with them. Lane
This sums up my 27 year long marriage to the ex Narc. Trauma Bond is horrible! All I wanted was to be loved and accepted for who I am. But then I was no longer measuring up. I was always falling short. I was constantly trying to make the Narc happy and to just love me as I loved him. When I finally realized he didn’t really love me at all and it was all a lie, that’s when the trauma bond was broke for me. I now know I can validate myself and I see what I am worth. It doesn’t matter if the Narc knows or anyone else, I KNOW. 🥰
Reading that felt like I wrote it myself. I remember constantly telling myself during my 16 year marriage to her if I can just give her a little bit more then the woman I fell in love with will come back to me...of course she never did because she never existed in the first place. Accepting they never loved you in the first place hurts like hell but an absolute must. Glad to see you've recovered and moved on.
They probably aren't a narcissist! My guess is that they're most likely depressed, and depression is something that easily and commonly leads to people being very self-absorbed. That is simply because someone with depression doesn't have the room to care about other people, since all they can focus on is their own suffering. When every thought you have loops back to how YOU are doing so badly, then of course you're going to become very self-centered. Don't confuse that with narcissism, it is not the same thing.
@@bunille yeah he was depressed after our children were born and he was no longer the center of attention. I got depressed too from no support from him, but I was not cruel to him ever like he was to me. You didn’t live with him and I don’t expect you to know based on a short paragraph I wrote. Many narcs are depressed people.
@@Hawelufamily Narcissism to the point of trauma bonding isn't common at all; narcissism, as a personality trait, is... every single person has traits of narcissism. But that's the thing: very depressed people get angry and such because they don't know how to cope; anyone who's going through a tough time wants attention, they want to be treated well to get out of that dark place, just as much as you do, I'd assume. It is also more likely for a man to be angry and a woman to cry, for the simple fact that boys are conditioned to toughen up, and this is their way of venting; it's equivalent to crying. Instead of flight, it's fight. It is a literal defence mechanism. Many depressed people, those with PTSD, etc., get angry sometimes. Depressed people also can't really love someone else if they don't love themselves, it hurts: yes it is possible, but that only makes them feel even more loveless because they end up becoming selfless and codependent and never thinking about their own wellbeing, and not many people would risk that unless it was conditioned into them to be a doormat from a young age. It's usually a symptom of trauma, and to victim-blame them is essentially the cruellest thing you could do to them. Pretty much nobody is malignant and vindictive, and everyone is narcissistic in one way or another, the world isn't black and white: we all make mistakes and a lot of us are selfish, so because he's not professionally diagnosed, I'm not going to pretend that he is when he isn't. A diagnosis of NPD is also pretty easy to get, that is, unless you just want to see them suffer when they're in actuality the victim, and therefore won't be diagnosed, or you can't wait for years of intensive check-ups (because you know it'll be found out as incorrect accusations). Quite a high percentage of people are diagnosed with NPD in the US alone. If you really think he is harmful, get him diagnosed, because to say he's narcissistic literally means nothing when everybody is narcissistic, everybody is mean, and everybody is greedy one way or another: or are we projecting? Empaths don't attack each other and have fights (arguments are normal; I mean toxicity in everyday life even out of an argument), they understand that we can do shitty things, apologise (once out of the emotional state; forcing them to apologise in an emotional state is abusive and controlling), and then make up; not act superior from the other. And prepare for backlash from him, because you'd be doing a shitty thing regardless of if he was one or not. Blind accusations to innocent people is a very traumatic occurrence, and a lot of the time they might even be arrested for doing nothing. Normal people can be misdiagnosed, keep that in mind, although that is unlikely. (Also, don't manipulate the diagnosis to go the way you want it to: a very good professional would be able to notice NPD without needless third-party slander that can warp their judgement). And if he ends up not getting diagnosed, then he wasn't one and you can stop smearing him online with buzzwords. If you really cared about people and had empathy, you'd be focusing on bringing yourself up; not once bringing others down. If you REALLY want to bring him down, perhaps a good start is to not make it look like you're seeking attention. Another good start is to begin calling him a jerk rather than a narc. If you are truly a victim and not playing a part in the toxicity, you'd understand. And if I'm being wholly honest... damn, 27 years. If he was a narc you'd... uh... notice it from near the beginning, not finally after 27 whole years. Was he not a narc for those 27 years and suddenly is, and you're pretending it's a GENETIC DISORDER and not just onset depression? Because as I said, everyone is narcissistic. We're just moving the goalpost. Get yourself couples therapy if you're still together and actually loved him for those 27 years as you say you did, especially if you're both depressed: watch how you both change for the better once you both learn compassion. If anything narcissistic pops up there, it will be noted and therapy will be given. If a "narcissist" can heal from that, then they weren't a narcissist (disorder: narcissism on its own is as tame as anything non-mental illness that we overdramatise) in the first place.
I made it out after 5 years. Broken, lost and clinically depressed but not beyond repair.. I'm now divorced and in therapy; which has been very very very helpful and validating.. I pray for whoever may still be going through this toxic cycle. Know that you are not alone, you are stronger than you think and your life is worth living.. You will break free!
I’ve watched a lot of videos and read a lot of books to try to makes sense of my relationship. You are right, this is not only spot on but it goes a step further by shining light on the tendency to listen to video after video explaining that while it can feel healing by way of validation, it’s not the same of getting professional help.
Heather-are you emotionally able to block him? Sometimes it’s actually a huge relief that he can’t contact you and that you are in charge. That’s why you have to go “no contact”-they can’t pull you back to the abuse cycle. Please try, and hugs.
@@ravenel2 yh he called me two days ago and I just saw him adding songs to our playlist and changing the picture of the playlist to our anniversary picture. I think he wasn’t necessarily a narcissist but definitely very very lost. He used to be different and once he lost his mom it went very downhill. I was there for him through it all, but now that we had to do LDR there was almost no effort from his side anymore. He told me how he basically talked more to everyone except me. I was the least. And I was like “took you long enough to realise…” But well he was so so miserable when he called me two days ago. It took all of me to just be kind and give a friendly solution. He hanged up and apologised for calling through an unknown number. And for bothering me. I just told him to take care. I was so so close to actually ask him WHEN he added the songs , because the last one was something that my friend mentioned, that particular artist. Two days ago. So if he added the songs that day, it would be a sign. But than again, even if he became “healthy” there truly is no future. No matter how much he loved me. I had to pay for everything. Emotionally. Financially. Physically. Literally everything you can mention. So no I wanna be spoiled. I don’t wanna be the man of the relationship and beg for dates, heck I didn’t even get them. I had to literally beg to see his lazy ass at his home. So no. This ain’t it. It’s been over 8 months that his mom passed away so I would expect at least some kind of remorse for the things I did for him but nope. None.
This is SOOO disappointing, I can't believe that there are people out there that plan to manipulate like this is so heart breaking. It's so super informative though, thanks for helping out people like you are, and atleast we don't have to live like that anymore:)
kimmy stanzel Yes in the workplace... a leader can do it to workers to hide their lack of knowledge and adequacy too.. in their job. So they develop flying monkeys around them. Stay away.. Many get stuck in jobs from this after years wake up top the fact that they are truly mean.
@@hadleybee9710 I think especially covert narcs it's not conscious. Mine had some self awareness and was sad. She seemed to hate it. Told me she tries to care and understand but doesn't know how she just has endless need for her and she can't understand how to change. It was this moment of vulnerability before she went back to normal hoover. Was very sad to witness.
@@last0light yh he called me two days ago and I just saw him adding songs to our playlist and changing the picture of the playlist to our anniversary picture. I think he wasn’t necessarily a narcissist but definitely very very lost. He used to be different and once he lost his mom it went very downhill. I was there for him through it all, but now that we had to do LDR there was almost no effort from his side anymore. He told me how he basically talked more to everyone except me. I was the least. And I was like “took you long enough to realise…” But well he was so so miserable when he called me two days ago. It took all of me to just be kind and give a friendly solution. He hanged up and apologised for calling through an unknown number. And for bothering me. I just told him to take care. I was so so close to actually ask him WHEN he added the songs , because the last one was something that my friend mentioned, that particular artist. Two days ago. So if he added the songs that day, it would be a sign. But than again, even if he became “healthy” there truly is no future. No matter how much he loved me. I had to pay for everything. Emotionally. Financially. Physically. Literally everything you can mention. So no I wanna be spoiled. I don’t wanna be the man of the relationship and beg for dates, heck I didn’t even get them. I had to literally beg to see his lazy ass at his home. So no. This ain’t it. It’s been over 8 months that his mom passed away so I would expect at least some kind of remorse for the things I did for him but nope. None.
I think a lot of guys will give out signs that they are trouble while they are "love bombing." The problem is women are taught to read too much into it when men are being nice and to not notice sarcastic remarks that are warning them that trouble's coming down the road. I stay away from suspicious people as much as possible and always have.
And oftentimes our intuition, gut feeling, whatever you want to call it is giving subtle little hints that things are not as they should be, but logic takes over and talks us out of it.
@@JennaMagical I wouldn't know exactly, I think the person who uses sarcasm in order to demean you is because they are feeling some kind of contempt for you or envy and they might not be necessarily conscious of it. For example, the person I knew would make sarcastic jokes about my difficulties I previously told them about. Then they'd also made a sarcastic joke about my potential death. And then of course invalidate my feelings by saying I am too sensitive to even react in a negative way to such comments. Obviously the person who does this must be very resentful and bitter and you will not change them. It is very unlikely that they'd change. If you stay, you'll just hurt yourself in the process...like I did.
@@JennaMagical thanks for empathising, I hope it helps you a little to recognize toxic behaviour in others. Just trust your gut when you deal with such people.😊
Ur not alone...but now slowly healing but the trauma is still. He treat me so nice and after use he throws seems like Me more than a garbage he smeared and he happy that I’m was had burned out emotionally
I had to learn to value and prioritize Self Care, Self Worth, Self Esteem, Self Nurturing Self Supporting behaviour. I now keep my to tolerance for mistreatment LOW and my SelfCare High 💖
I hate to think that there is some sort of backhanded value to having narcs in our society. Life. Whatever. It does get better with age as long as we bother to learn.
I think it helps watching these videos when we're still needing to make sure we're not in contact with the nacrcissit or flying monkeys it helps have some way to have a safe place to fill the strong vacuum initially. The validation and feeling of having someone with you when you're struggling with a huge vacuum of having no one after having then as your emotional source and having them in your day is really helpful. Watching your videos and others helps me not just be alone in ny own thoughts beating myself up and helps me not feel alone. But I agree at some point we get to a place where its time to start building the healing. Thank you for your videos and helping us not be alone. Sadly I have to say I thought I would never fall prey to one of these types again and Im BACK here again because I did, and it was the worst one ever. Some are such professionals and they know exactly how to pick us out. Im doing the work now to make sure I am never their target again! Never.
I loved this suggestion from one of the experts, "Yes, we will find it hard to trust again. Question:? Why would we trust another person? People lie, cheat, disappoint, fall short, etc. even to themselves. We get to be genuine, vulnerable, and authentic with ourselves. We get to trust that we have learned our lessons and will make the right decisions about what and who is right for us". (Not a direct / exact quote). We only need trust ourselves. We get to realize our decisions are based on the best information we have available at that moment. We may occasionally make another mistake. We get to forgive ourselves when / if that happens.
@@ThatWyrdGirl ... there is some truth to this, but it doesn't have to be that way. You get to create the relationship that you want, that lights you up.
55 yrs on this planet and the few decent ppl in my life have been dead fot decades . Empaths guard your heart. Set boundaries & take a long time during the vetting process and never be afraid to chop a MF. DECADES of my life destroyed due to these demons
We empaths should also face up to and accept the reality that out of all the many "nice" people and "friends" we meet in life, only a very few individuals are genuinely looking out for us and actually care. Narcissism is a pandemic too.
Michele hi, sometimes people stay in the situation because they donot know how to break free from a toxic relationship until a person like you come along to assist them on how to get away from it by your videos to help them to began to get out of it , so thank you Michele for this upload and take care and stay safe.😊😊😊
I saw how blatantly ugly it was when I realized I had become really truly isolated and had only him to turn to for comfort for the horrible stuff he caused. Wow took another nine months to be hurt enough and frustrated enough...then humiliated enough. Too crazy, me and he, but I did get free second time I tried. Get free cuz it just gets sicker and you'll get sicker. I actually dont even think free yet all the day...but I'm getting better. Not going back cuz every time I tried to be a string adult in his world that it became dangerous and I could only be isolated and in danger of a permanently broken mind there.
The key is to increase your self esteem, your self image and your self concept. Find out the ways to do that and the trauma bond will fade overnight. When it does you will look back and laugh at the pathetic non entity, black hole of nothingness, the narcissist.
@@msharic85 I once heard it put so simply....true selfesteem comes only from doing truly esteemable things. Just poyr all your best into doing for yourself first be selfish . Give only as much to that jerk that he gives to you....use all that remaining energy for the very next thing you can see to do to shake your progress. Just put the attention on your stuff. They are so damnmed self aborbed it probably will go unnoticed to some days.
When I confronted my ex she ghosted me she didn't want to be held accountable for her abuse I waited 4 days no contact from her so I broke up with her and blocked her out of my life now I am dealing with the aftermath
It hurts it feels like someone you loved so much just died and you are grieving their death you have different stages of denial you start the make excuses for them you start to blame yourself you start saying to yourself they're coming back then you say no they're not coming back you start to get into arguments in your mind you start to come up with scenarios of what happened what could you have done differently but there's nothing you could have done you aren't the one who is broken they are 💯💔 the person that you fell in love with isn't real if you're in a relationship with a narcissist you need to end it now you need to block them out of your life then come to terms with the truth they never loved you and they never will block them out of your life and move on trust me you will heal 💯❤️☀️
Dean Taylor 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 I know exactly what you mean!!!! Wow your respect is exactly what I would say-which is validation that mine was a narcissist. Not that it really matters, but us healing our childhood trauma(s) and knowing our worth is the true journey of what matters. 💪🏾💪🏾💪🏾💪🏾
@@deantaylor8851 I can understand you Its emotional flash backs Im going through similar i watch richard grannon and his video motivate me seriously Good luck to healing my friend Its hard im so confused my self.
Omg! This Blows my Mind..bc this is My Life.. And has been for 20yrs. I can't live like this anymore and I've filed for divorce. I'm not the same person I was 20yrs ago. I've lost myself along the way. Its all been like a bad dream, and this shit is not really happening! And then reality hit. I was scared and I still am. I honestly feel like I was being brain washed! And he has control over every aspect of my life. It's hard when you realize the man you fell in love with doesn't even exist! Any ladies that are going through this, RUN!!Please stay Safe, and Stay Strong! Wishing you all the Best💕 We Got This Ladies💎💯
I really appreciate this video! Two things that *especially* stood out for me were: 1) the Stage 2 intermediate stage between the love-Bomb and Devaluation phases, and 2) the recommendation to seek help/videos on *healing* from the abuse as opposed to just watching the narc videos, because one addiction (to the narc) can easily be replaced by another (watching narc videos) Great watch! Recommending to a friend now :)
I agree. It helps to watch the narc videos because we get validation from them. They give valuable information and validation...etc. But it does keep the narc in our heads. How can we move on if we don't focus on healing and getting back to the bright side. Stronger and wiser as well.
That’s why I’m glad I found a real great job, full of positive ppl that show me appreciation for my work but also treat me with respect! I’ve been through a lot! But I still have hope in being happy with a real companion!
I wish. It's been bad since I was born. All my relationships left me feeling very depressed, discarded, and completely isolated. It's not a happy existence for me but I finally found validation in videos like this. Thank you for your support and the opportunity to get the help I have sought out all my life. ❤
Michele thank you so much for this video. It amazes me how you have so much insight into these types of relationships. You've described mine exactly. It provides a sense of relief. I like your point about getting hooked on videos at some point you have to focus on yourself. I found CODA and ACA groups provided a lot of support with this. A little more effective than weekly or biweekly one hour appointments. I really didn't trust myself. One of the embarrassing byproducts was that I spoke to everyone about our situation, all the craziness, abuse, jealousy. My People and my partner took it as I was trying to bad mouth her. But I was just trying to make sense of the craziness. I was trying, hoping that someone would confirm it and give me the courage to leave. However it was never enough cause I didn't believe it strongly enough. I didn't feel like I had a right to decide something was bad in my opinion and I needed to walk away. I really did try to talk with my ex about all these things first. As I have had 9 months of space from her and a lot of work, I can see how crazy it was. Michele's videos have been an important part of my recovery.
Trauma bonding so well explained. Felt it all... I was still really confused and tried explaining there was a whole push and pull not simply "triggered" thats why I didnt walk away... and a aquiantance said I was crazy, I should calm down, and should "get help", and stop talking about it. ... some clueless people.
The problem is, that person never loved her. He was manipulating & conning you into thinking that he did. Once he had you hooked, the real person came out.
Trust yourself without question 💖 Second guess those who don't have your back, those who don't support you, undermine you, belittle you, minimize you, discredit, demean, decieve, manipulate or mock you.
7 years of my life gone over this. I've known for the last 3years what is happening. It saved my sanity discovering the whole npd thing. I cried with releaf.. I really thought I was dropping my basket. But I can't break all the way free. Maddening.
Robbie S...Its the part where she was talking about the brain and dopamine...we need to retrain our thinking and get it off of the person who hurt you...i totally understand your situation...its horrid but we'll make it...keep on and keep the faith
I was in the exact same situation for 9 years and just recently gained enough courage to end the relationship. My body couldn't take it anymore, it was my body who screamed it couldn't take it any longer and my mind finally listened. It wasn't easy, it was like I cut an arm off when I had to tell him and I felt like I was dying but it gets better. Fortunately I always gave importance to my psychologic health, so I was having therapy sessions while on this relationship (I went because of my anxiety). My therapist is an angel, I own her so much. She was the one who made me self-aware of many things I was blind to regarding myself and this relationship. I want to tell you I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and I want to encourage you. It's possible to break free. It really is. Listen to your body, prioritize you're well-being. You're not being a bad person by prioritizing your needs first. You deserve better. Surround yourself with people who see your pain and support you during the process. I wish you can soon break free from this abuse. Conquer your fear, you can do it.
The trauma bond is how it all begins... Without this bond, they can't really gain control over your feelings. Watch out for people who have a Jekyll-Hyde quality about them. You may not see this right away, but there are subtle signs, such as a person treating you poorly in the past and later treating you kindly. Or people who seem to go back and forth between times of severe chaos and times of absolute success and contentedness. This is a pattern they follow. Healthy people are fairly consistent in their behaviors and lifestyles, while narcs are the opposite.
The downward trajectory starts with their wound, manufactured, accusing you of having injured them. Your response is to feel responsible and determined to never let that happen again. The internal dialog is, oh my god I didn't know that about myself. So then you become very sorry and they reward you for feeling bad. Bang. Now they got you in deep self doubt.
That's how much they hate themselves. And treating you this way provides pleasure for them. They mirror us. When ur not in their presence they don't recaall who you are. They don't know your core believes.
Right on subject with accuracy, prayers to all of you watching this and discovering what it is we dealing with, understanding it will help us heal faster.🙏🏻🥰
That was me!! He put me through the ringer, got me arrested . Im good now... i just cant stop thinking i how bad i want to rub it in his face of how blessed i am truly am now away from in him.
Karma is so much wiser than we are in her punishment, and she's so intimate in that personal place she gets someone back. Leave it to Karma. Perhaps they're too stupid from selfishness to see Karma, who knows cuz they don't ever react like the test of humanity. However, if they wouldn't listen to us with all our love trying to get them to be a fair person so likely Karma will have to gut punch them a few times to get their attention. Just focus your energy on getting your best life without them whenever you can. Karma won't hurt you if you don't break any moral code so just do your thing and leave the rest to Karma.
Ya it would be helpful if my sister would get off her high horse go over there get my clothes, essentials and things , to keep him from having some control. She wants me to have the new church i have just joined have their people, go there and to her church to get clothes i can fit. Now mind you i have a back injury. Then throws a fit, cause she thinks its because she thinks im upset she wont just do what i say. Does some blame game. Now how does tjat look really to have new people from a church go to her and her husbands church. By all means , they can do it. My sister that is. Im having to go through his 19yr old grandson to get stuff and still have to deal with it. He is doing to his grandson what he had me do to his grandson cause he is far above anyone else to do what he wanted me out of his life. That not right to that kid, ya know. You would think my sister would understand. I tried to explain to her she is enabling him to keep doing what hes always done. She wouldnt hear it. She called i didnt answer all she does is scream. I text to her instead. Im not reading it. Ya know.... its just, wow ya know? Thank you very answering me... You have a blessed day....
Ya, I do, she just never stops with her complaining about me. Shes a preachers wife, I doubt her congregation knows what she does to me. Its just shes my sister. Of course 48yrs old and hasnt changed yet. Thank you.
I'm severely trauma bonded. I used to be so independent. Now I'm addicted to another human being who seems to enjoy hurting me. I know this but still the addiction wins and is too strong to change anything. For a moment I thought he was telling me it was over and meant it, and my body reacted like I've never experienced before. I lost all my air and I swear it felt like my heart stopped, I couldn't draw in a breath accompanied by the worst imaginable emotional devastation. It was so horrific all I could thing was no let me die now so I don't have to feel another second. I would of screamed if I had air. Then his text came in and I was able to breath again when he said no it wasn't over. I would never willingly put myself through that level of pain again. There are no words to describe it. I'm on a waiting list to see a councilor. It's all I can figure out to do.
I cannot emphasise strongly enough how EMDR therapy will liberate you of some of those hooks. If you find a well trained therapist it will be a fast and efficient way to move on from some of this. There are videos about it. I have done some and can tell you that the effects are long lasting. Narcissist just want you to be a disciple to their personality. They want admiration, non-stop.
This was me about 5 years ago. I have discovered, thru the quarantine, and within my Spiritual Awakening that I am still suffering PTSD from it and it took a wonderful man who became the best friend I've ever had, to gently show this to me.
I feel so sad all this happened to me. I cant believe the person I thought of as my best friend and soulmate who I gave my all for for years just used and abused me.
Really love you for what you do So needed this today Thank you Beautiful I am so grateful for all the survivors like you There are not many But Thank God for the few bless their hearts again and of course you
Kudos. This is the best description/explanation of trauma bond that I've discovered. I can share this video to answer to those who care to ask why I "love" him so much and have such a hard time struggling with each day of no contact and why I celebrate something so simple as the length of time I've gone not talking to him. I am slowly breaking away from the narcissism research and shifting it to healing childhood wounds. I'm doing amazing, I think, despite the severity of the abuse, all crammed into a short time, including substances he got me on, and breaking free from all of it. I nearly died. I lost almost everything and everyone. I FOUND ME. I love me. I'm proud of me. I know he's not far. I struggle. I get my "fix" sometimes but looking at old vids/pics of him/us, watching vids of narcissism, but I get stronger every day. Go survivors!!! Forgive the narcissist. Forgive yourself. Find peace.
You get to the heart of this relationship dynamic, dear friend! And I totally understand, what you say about the addiction for binge-watching videos about narcissists and their abuse. But I get aware of the abuse by watching videos like this, about what such relationships have done to me. Because it was so subtle and delicate, it takes time to get aware of it. And since I experienced narcissistic abuse in several occasions, especially in work places and want to protect myself, when entering the labour-market again, I watch these videos. By videos such as these, I work on myself.
This is so accurate it’s scary. For 20yrs I was with someone I now know was a covert narcissist, I knew the relationship was literally killing me and was convinced if I could just get out I’d be ok but I was wrong. When I finally did get out I was so lost and confused I had a breakdown. That was 5yrs ago, after hours of therapy I am starting to recover but I 'still don’t feel free of him, the memories go round & round in my head and out of the blue something can trigger a flashback and it’s like it just happened yesterday all, over again.
This is so accurate. By the end of your relationship you've given your all, you've given them everything and you are spent. You're a shadow of your former self, your energy is spent, your sparkle has gone out. This is when they tire of you and go out and find new supply behind your back. You loved them without end with all your heart, you poured all the love respect and care you had into them and you realise you received nothing in return and they exchange you for the next supply as easily as if you were grains of rice in a bowl. Its devastating. Its taken me a year to recover but finally the clouds are parting as I pour all my love respect and care into myself. The world looks beautiful again and I cannot believe how I lost myself in that trauma bond. 💔
As always, your videos are spot on. Your channel helped me break free 4 years ago. It is still a battle, some days better than others. It still amazes me how exactly you can describe what it was like. A good reminder to make my brain say "oh Yes, THATS what we left. We don't have to do that anymore. Calm down." Your message at the end is so important. Leaving a narc isn't like leaving other relationships. Healing is a lot of work and takes so much time. But its worth it 💗 I am not fully healed, but I get better each year. Surviving to thriving!!! Thank you so much for your channel. ❤
You are so lovely lady.May Lord create woman like you to save people.This video precisely resonates with me, how trauma bond manifest over time if not carefully scrutinized and caution need to be taken before some devious things happen.Trauma bond is like a IV drop of poison slowly enters into human psychic produces irresistible urge of addiction under a loop of endless suffering which makes it difficult to control.Viler emotions coming up from the surface of subconscious mind leads to craziness.
Thank you, you've touched on something I've wondered if I was heading in a wring direction. I was, but you explained it and I thank you. The video's were becoming a substitute. Time to move on. Thank you again.
went through all of this from stage one to stage seven. this video explains it perfectly. i've left my covert narcissist about five months ago. we were together for a little over a year and a half and lets just say the damage that was done to me by stage seven pushed me extremely close to wanting to take my own life because nothing i was doing was saving us even though i was being obedient and everything in my life revolved around trying to make them happy...and they were getting ready to discard me for another supply anyway. i felt worthless, powerless, and broken, and i felt like i could only blame myself because they'd gaslit, shamed, and blamed me enough times for me to feel unsafe confronting them on their behavior and over time i started to believe their twisted reality over what i instinctively knew was an abusive relationship because i feared being abandoned more than i feared the abuse. a month after i cut them off for good they tried to hoover me back into the relationship in the worst way that they knew would yank up my chain and lure me back in. i was lucky enough to have friends who were supporting me at the time talk some sense into me before i could fall back into the pattern. it was hard, having to stand up to them and tell them i don't care anymore. probably one of the hardest things ive ever done besides cutting them off. but in order to take back my power, i had to say it to their face that they no longer hold power over me. they tried to tell me i was being counterproductive, but what they didn't realize was that i was giving myself permission to walk away from them. permanently. and yet, even after months of going no contact, boxing up and hiding away all the gifts they sent me, deleting all the videos and photos we shared with eachother, educating myself on narcissistic abuse and forcing myself to remember all the awful things they did to me and face the reality of what was, i've been experiencing so much withdrawal. i'd still fantasize about them and indulge in all the daydreams of us being happy together that kept me going when i was with them. i found myself missing them, i /still/ sometimes miss them. but i've realized that i've been obsessing over them even after letting them go. that my brain was still chasing those happy chemicals it got during the lovebombing phase. i've been romanticizing them in my head and salivating over the tragedy happened between us and just completely fixated on the anger and rage and pain and heartbreak. it's only been hurting me and holding me back. i had to realize that it just wasnt what love is. abuse is not love. there is no justification for it. even if there was a chance they genuinely did care about me and love me, it cannot and will not redeem them in my eyes after what i've witnessed. i needed to stop treating this experience like it was some big romantic fairy tale and that they were the one for me. instead, i need to focus on loving myself instead. i need to focus on falling in love with myself and my own life and bring my own charm and excitement to it instead. because if i can't depend on myself to make myself happy, i'm only going to repeat the same mistake with another narc. thats what i appreciate about the end of this video, that it directs the viewers to focus on healing their trauma instead of just simply educating us on what trauma bonds are. it really is true that you can fall into the trap of fixating on having your experiences get validated and replaying those awful memories in your head to the point it's all you think about. focus on what's ahead for you. focus on empowering yourself and healing yourself. let yourself feel the hurt and pain and process it, however you feel most comfortable processing, whether it's talking it out- writing in a journal, going to therapy, having friends to support you, listening to music or podcasts or creating art. remind yourself that it wasn't your fault and that you are worth so much more than what the abuser made you believe about yourself. i write underneath my wrist with a small sharpie every time it starts to blur and fade away two important sentences so i can look down at it and remind myself every time i start to think about my ex abuser. "abuse is not love. love yourself first."
It’s incredible how accurate this is at describing my experience with my ex. To a T. And I could see it all happening, but I doubted myself, my own intuition pounding me over the head, because of all the gaslighting. Now that it’s over, it’s been six months… the breakup was the most painful thing I’ve experienced in my whole life, how sadistic she treated me, as she moved on immediately with her coworker that she swore was just a “friend” for an entire year before… but the narcissistic fog has cleared and I see things so much clearer now. And my mind is still blown. I’m honestly surprised I’m still alive. It’s been brutal but it does get better. It’s not consuming anymore, there’s only waves of it, and they’re not as torturous. One of the things that’s helped me the most was these kind of videos and getting fiercely back into my body, which helped me get out of my mind and it’s ruminating. For me, that’s taken the form of physical and demanding labor work… and I can say that as hard as it is on my body, it’s like heaven compared to the devastation my heart and mind went through. You will get through this.
The man I experienced this insidious bond with for almost 4 years he said soemthing that stood out.... he said when he met my group of friends he was drawn to me because I seemed so innocent compared to some of the girls in the group. They were party girls, a reckless down would say and he told me I wasn’t like them and my demeanor was kind, timid and warm and that’s why he couldn’t stop thinking about me and had to have me. At the time awhile back I thought that was amaziningly “romantic” and gives me butterflies to this day remembering how him saying that made me feel so amazing inside.... but truthfully it was him stalking his prey.... targeting his next victim. It wasn’t love at all
Thank you Michelle. I can see that I’m hooked on watching the videos and not doing the inner work....And it’s keeping me stuck. I also think that I’m struggling with a trauma bond which is horrendous :(
Been there done that. It sucks and it's mentally and emotionally exhausting. No matter how much you do it's never good enough. It's just a living hell. That's why I stay by myself. The hurt and pain of an abusive relationship is horrible. I tell people who's been in an abusive relationship or abused to go get help for yourself. Take time to rest, find yourself again and heal. Don't rush into another relationship. Take time to heal, get to know your inner self again and seek help.
It was only when trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t crazy that I learned about covert narcissism, and boy have I learned a lot! There is so much work in getting free. I’m glad I know that I’m worth it. I’m so thankful for the counselors and all of the people that make these teachings.
Happiest of Holidays Ailene! I finally got away from my "covert narc" who is an attorney and a deacon in the biggest baptist church in town ONLY after finding PROOF he was having an affair with our much younger financial advisor (luckily, Wells Fargo fired her and Cary Street Partners hired her). It was hard because he denied the first two affairs telling me I was crazy to think he would ever do anything like that (then I caught the married mistress and ex in St. Louis together). Believe IN YOURSELF!! You will be SO much happier on the other side!! You ARE SO WORTH IT!!
@@dlwsport250 Thank you for encouraging me-it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I hope things are going well for you now. These teachings are such a help. (There was only codependency to learn about when I was younger, and now there is so much information available.)
@@ailenefisher8068 Never forget your OWN WORDS: "I'm glad I know that I'm worth it!!!" Because I promise you that you Are.... All we need to do is break the addiction to the covert narc's words and manipulations .... You ARE WORTH the love and validation that you provide to YOU"... the covert narc is not worth all that you HAVE to offer those that are worthy of what you offer !
Thank you for this compassionate breakdown. Especially at the end where you essentially say that NOT watching videos like much of your content (which has been very helpful just syk) and shifting off the NPD/BPD “info”, and onto more self-healing. That’s the place I’m in now - needing to make that shift. Appreciate your videos and the help you’re providing to all of us.
I love you, spot on. I bought the new DSM five yesterday a complex PTSD book and trauma healing book and I’m changing a therapist one that understands narcissism now
Thank you for a perfect description of the stages of trauma bonding. I have been there, it is exactly the way you have put it. And there is way out! It is possible.
I just want you to know that your videos saved my life. I had suicide thoughts almost everyday. One day I bumped in one of your videos. Now 4 years have past, I feel much better, and you are in my prayers 🙏 God bless you!
So true I am a copendent and malignant narcissists are who I always gravitate towards... But when I started to look at videos on here I realised the process and I was not worthless like they make you feel... Its a constant pattern they do... I now choose wiser.
Very incredible video. I got chills within the first minute and tears began to flow throughout. Thank you especially for the ending about watching endless videos. It does help us process but we have to take external measures to heal. Thank you sister
After 15 years in a relationship like this and then another 7 years of stalking...I survived and overcame. I healed myself with many acts of kindness and self love and learning about co dependant behavior that was taught to me in childhood. I am so grateful I got to the other side.
Thank you kindly! I have just learned of trauma bonding and I am desperately seeking help to overcome the deep, dark hole I have found myself in. Bless you! I am at a all time low. Feeling so worthless and struggling to find any happiness or self worth.
this is what I went through, and only few friends understood. It took a while to break away and didn't judge me. the cptsd videos really helped me.. balancing between those type of videos.. lots and lots and lots of prayer. Still healing slowly, retraining my brain with moments of beautiful music or doing something that feels good to me or benefits me during times when I would talk to them to get that 'high' from them.
You've become my favourite go to coach . I'm still healing 7 months on. Been one of the hardest battles of my life, staying away from the ex whilst still trauma bonded. You're explaining everything like you know me personally 💕
Shocking behaviour truly disgusting ,thank God I got my chance to get away, healing and thriving, loving me now , learnt so many things about myself, my life researching narcissist, now am self empowered, undoing the narcissists that were in my life, my life is my own now ,smiling living in happiness doing the work on myself for the best version of myself..
Thank you for this video! I've been learning from you for over a year. I like many youtubers on this topic, but I connect with your energy the most easily. My friend is in a terrible relationship. I've been looking for the perfect video to send her to help her get that she's in a toxic relationship. I think this is the one. I hope this helps the light bulb go on for her.
You have done such an amazing job of describing exactly what a person goes through in a trauma bond. It helped me so much to hear this. I actually don’t need to hear any other videos and I’ve been listening to narc videos for 3 years now.
Ty, even if its now a year ago and im still fighting but accepting the truth- this made me cry, cause a TH-cam Video better understands my situation than she ever could or tried
your tvideo test about narcissism saved my sanity and from diabolical personality of narc that was eating me alive in every way so cruely as cold blooded robot in many ways as rust eat metal... Michelle, your video was very first one and like accidental just in time I needed 1 year and half ago, I did buy your book also and watch many other people videos about narcissism to brainwash myself back to... myself... better version of it cos now educated about this disorder of selfishness & sick pride... later I get in to it deeper understanding that my vulnerability was from childhood wounds, that I can't blame only narcy, God did take me on healing and freedom journey from narc with those videos cos no way I would trust my pain, shame, guilt, abuse story to alive and professional therapist so people who get themselves free, helped me with those videos... Thank you for very sensitive and honest story... My wake up was slow like from hypnotic, coddled dream, then I realised is also addiction to abuse, co-dependency, trauma bonding, yep and cognitive dissonance that you helped me to admit to myself first... Blessed be & Shalom!!! 🙌😇🤣🇬🇧💎🔥💭🌧️🌸🌼🌧️🌼🌸🐈🐈🐈🐈👍💎👍💎👍💎
I feel as if my ex partners picked up the negativity that I already had for myself. Yet they made the choice to put more pressure on me as was necessary. They could have taken a step back and said „Hey this person is pretty hard on herself. I may try to be a little neutral or supportive instead.“ I‘m pretty sure that too much inner and outer pressure triggers a splitting mechanism that is hard to understand for some people who have an issue with it as well and couldn’t identify and reflect on it yet..... I like that you reflected on the issue that sometimes people stick to watching validation videos. It does feel comfortable because the scary part of getting to know oneself is still ahead. It is scary and it is okay to say „No“ to this journey and to come back once one feels ready. It’s always fine to just dip ones feet into unknown waters.
I told mine all of my fears and self doubt in the love bombing phase because I felt truly loved, understood, and confident in him. In him. In him. In him. I don’t know where I was. Now I feel like I was the narcissist in the relationship even though I know it was him. It’s been one week of no contact. My choice. And I can’t stop thinking about him even though he had started the devaluation and discard. It was horrible. Like lost in the Twilight Zone. I even kept saying to him, Is this real? How can this be real? I don’t know who you are anymore. It’s as if there was someone else wearing his skin. Someone I didn’t know. I am deeply empathetic, so I can’t be a narcissist, right? Do they know who they are? I told him from the beginning that I could not withstand a heartbreak of any sort because I had already been through four years of hell from serious medical conditions to the loss of my beloved. He knew. He trampled on my heart anyway. I think that they must be possessed by something. Normal humans don’t do things like this. It’s wicked. Sorry. I know I just wrote a short novel. I think I need real therapy. Hope you are feeling better every day! Thank you for being here.
Michelle I’ve thanked you a million times before for the content you produce, but with all my heart, THANK YOU so much for this video. Yes this video resonates with me 110%. (So you say that there are only 7 stages to trauma bonding...I think I’m on 8 or 9. I’m continually babysitting my Narcs 7 month old daughter (I feel in love) who she had with a guy she cheated on me with. How mentally F’ed up can one get? I know it’s toxic, I do. So much damage. More than I can repair. I don’t want her back though. I feel bad for her knowing she became this way from her parents and sexual abuse as a child. I too had bad things happen to me, but I moved towards the light, not the dark. I honestly can say this is a battle between a Heyoka and a Narcissist. Wish me luck.) Keep up the good work Michelle! Your saving lives and people’s mental health! I love you!(Agape)
You are absolutely correct in this regarding the stages of trauma bonding. You are also absolutely correct about how it is important to move ahead in learning how to heal, rather than continuously obsessing over the sins of the narcissist. It is important to learn about what has happened, but there comes the time when we need to move our focus off of the narcissist and onto what we ourselves can do to overcome what we have been through. This is one of the things that I love about your approach, Michele. I see a lot of videos and online support groups that seem to be primarily focused on the abuse, but not really interested in healing and overcoming. It really keeps people stuck. Thank you for being someone who takes a proactive approach in educating and coaching those who are searching for answers. You offer resources that show people that there really is hope for life getting better. We are not responsible for the abuse we have suffered at the hands of others, but we do have choices. It is our responsibility to act on what we have learned so that we can, as you often say, move forward. You continue to inspire me!
Thank you very much! This video describes accurately what I have been going through with my husband. I didn't know it had a name or a specific process. I just can't anymore. I am dying inside. Thanks a lot for this present of awakening.❤🙏
This video is spot on. I am watching video after video. I can’t detach! I also struggle with BPD. Making it harder for me. I’ve been doing counseling, but I feel it’s not helping. I know what I need to do, I don’t know how to do it!
Michele, I'm really grateful you focus on C-PTSD nowadays. Your videos are very helpful and are part of my healing routine. To anyone reading my comment: don't give up. It's a long and painful journey but at some point you will start seeing the progress. I already have moments of pure peace and joy, and it is hard to describe how wonderful it is to have hope again instead of living in denial.
Wow .... I felt so validated watching this......thank you! It was so touching, I felt that initial hurt and trauma but it left me surpringly positive. Somewhat surreal, like watching myself but now i give myself a huge and the love I needed. I'm happy and grateful, still recovering as it's only been 15months. Thank God its behind me but definitely a life lesson. Huge Huge eyeopener. I didn't loose myself! I'm still here, stronger and smarter everyday. Thank you for the video xo very healing.
Such a great summary of the stages. It's fascinating how your brain can become addicted to such poison. Thank you for this! I am in therapy as well as watching videos and talking with family about what I went through.
I feel so sad, this really happened to me but I was doing the abusive behavior, I had no idea I was doing it. I'm a monster, no excuse for my actions, I take responsibility for what I did, I ask her forgiveness. I had no idea that I was doing it. This video opened my eyes and my soul to be a better man. I will seek counseling I need help.
The narcissist trains you to seek validation from them by making you not trust yourself. The key to releasing the trauma bond is to start trusting yourself again. Validate yourself, trust your own intuition.
Yes and then anytime you take thier bait by believing them, they tear you down for it. In their minds are the idiots and fools for trusting and believing them. Its humiliating afterwards.
@Narc Survivor I am confused because i feel like i do trust myself. But for me, he is like a drug that i crave. I love him even though i know what he is and what he is doing. Drug addicts know that the drug is bad for their health but the addiction is so strong that they cannot leave it alone. I am addicted to him.
@ Narc Survivor I wish i could make him addicted to me but recently, he seems to almost completely have lost interest. I think he keeps the communication because of a future possibility that i can do something for him. but, he uses social apps recently and has discovered a way of meeting many beautiful women so he does not consider me important because he thinks he can easily replace me. I wish there was a way to make him as addicted to me.
@ Narc Survivor Another problem that i realized is that any texts or attention i receive from others does not make me feel happy or excited. Only when the narcissist texts me do i feel happy.. unless his text is cruel. So all other communication seems.. rote.. just going through the motions. I hate that feeling.
@@rturtle5795 That's the thing with having trauma bond/stockholm syndrome to the narcissist. You are confused and doubt your own judgement, you know the part of you that says "this is not healthy and you need to leave"? Yet you don't act on that inner voice. Why? Because you do not trust yourself completly, even though you might want to think so. Seeing your replies on this comment makes it very clear that you are still being gaslighted, controlled, manipulated by the narcissist. You need to brake free from that person completly and start focusing on why on earth you would allow anyone treat you in a way you know is cruel and unacceptable. Only then can you get clearity and start healing.
Trauma bonding is the most complicated yet worst thing that ever happened to my life..
Cant explain it til you feel it and go through it. Otherwise people put it down to their own logical experience of abuse, and this seems and feels illogical... you can think your going insane if you are not aware what it is. Thank goodness at least for the awareness, eventhough practically it makes it no easier. I hope your soul renourishes, and the cloud of self clarity part so your inner being and clarity shine through... much luck in your healing... I dont think there is an easy way through. ...
There is no way to explain it to anyone unless they have the training. Difficult as hell
@@ericmcdonald7313 The most precise training is going through it blindly 😂🙁 and then being educated on it :'/
Amen sister
@@leahc8347 thank u for ur kind words,Narcissist abuse crashed my spirit,currently dealing with trauma bonding from past 10 months..I m trying to heal somehow..
They will never jump through the hoops that they themselves are asking you to jump through.
So on point!!
Excellent
Mine asked me to sell my successful business, leave all of my family and friends behind, and move to his state. He never once was willing to drive or fly to me. Not once. I’m so fortunate that I got out but why do I still think about him? He was awful. I feel so stupid and trapped.
Exactly!! They would NEVER!
Exactly. Perfectly said
I was born into a trauma bonded relationship. My parents trained me to accept abuse and call it love.
Me too you're not alone..
Same
Same here
Same here. Parent's like that prep their kids into excellent codependants and people pleasers. Luckily we have the option to learn how to brake free from that as adults!
@@shiniemi2754 ❤️❤️❤️👍
The narcissist trains you to seek validation from them by making you not trust yourself. The key to releasing the trauma bond is to start trusting yourself again. Validate yourself, trust your own intuition.
Great word: validation! We all need it and seek it naturally. this part was really hard for me because I did not even realize that I looked to him to validate everything about myself. He most certainly wasn't looking to me for any! "We could use one of your ideas if any of them were good!" He said this to me in front of a co-worker. Bonus points?
Before I got with him, I was in a very bad depression for 4 years, and it got so bad that I had tried to kill myself multiple times and needed to be taken to a centre. I don’t have parents or friends, because I’m a fosterchild.. I move a lot, and it didn’t seem like it was worth it to make connections. One day I met him, and he was there for me hours, nights.. all the time and I finally felt love.. and I actually ‘cured’ from my depression within months. Right now we’re 2 years later and I see myself in this situation, a trauma bond. Im scared to leave bc I don’t ever want to go back to being depressed, and im scared I will be. Last time when I only thought of leaving I started puking and shaking and I feel like my body can’t handle leaving. How can I leave slowly? Like is it possible.. just to take ur time while still being loved, or replace it?..
I had such a breakthrough moment of introspection while watching this! I am only 5 days out of my severely abusive narcissistic marriage. Let me share my personal insight on stage 7 addiction.
The love bombing phase was so intense and passionate and it lasted about 6 months. He was empathetic, sympathetic, thoughtful, emotionally nurturing, Romatic, loyal and so soft and loving. Fast forward down the road to when the mask fell off and his true identity was revealed. My emotions made him angry and rage. I was groomed not to talk about them or have any. He expressed how he was disconnected from feelings (except anger/rage caused by me of course) He did not ever agree with my feelings and I had the problem....called overly sensitive.
The passion had died. I woke up to realize I was married to an emotional zombie. Indifferent, insincere at best, and always looking for a fight.
My breakthrough: I became "addicted" to the fighting because......drum roll....that was the only passion I got from him anymore. It was the only emotion he would share with me anymore. He would rip me apart and fight passionately. It was the only attention he would give, it became the only time he would talk to me (to trigger me into a fight) His fake persona of kindness and charm was reserved for those on the outside. I was the enemy and emotional/physical punching bag of this Narc. He was such a womanizer too....but only I saw the truth, he doesn't love women....he loathes women. Detests them. In the confines of our home he would address any female (including his mother) profane and derogatory names. Calling them objects or it. Devaluing the entire female gender.
Monster 👹
Anyway there it is, I stayed and held onto this toxicity to the very bitter last drop until he discarded me. I wont lie...I have peace in my home again, but the silence is SO loud its terrifying. I have moments of missing him through my grief and I know he will try to hoover me. I am mentally and emotionally strengthening myself for this. I am blessed that I recorded some of our arguments and I listen to the gaslighting, rage, and disgusting ways he talked to me and my "missing" him turns into anger. Its all I have to keep me strong.
I play it sometimes when the silence is too loud at home alone....it empowers me to rise from the ashes!
Best of luck to all the beautiful and strong survivors out here. You are SO WORTHY of love and respect 🙌 ❤ shine brighter then before. These narcs operate in the dark shadows of deception, but know that if you shine bright...light defeats the darkness. They tried to snuff your light...to dull your sparkle and to destroy what makes you so special....the one thing they don't have, a heart of Gold filled with empathy and compassion!
stay strong! you're worth more!
Samantha....we are all worth more! 🙏
Thanks for sharing your story. You escaped the jaws of hell.
THANK YOU FOR THIS. Everything you said was so true and I can relate to every word. All these narcs have the same personality and it boggles my mind how many are out there and preying on not just vunerable women but also strong women as well. Thank you.
Spot on. I knew one as a mere acquaintance who I loved, but this is so true. He keeps trying to trigger me to fight with him in a weird way. And I realized that this is not normal, not how you communicate with a woman, and stopped taking the bait.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told myself, “It hurts more to leave than it does to stay.” When she said this towards the end, I gasped. Because it was SPOT ON.
1. Love bombing
2. Trust & dependency
3. Devalue
4. Gaslighting
5. Control
6. Loss of self
7. Addiction
Omfg. This is EXACTLY what it is like.
*😞
@@muslimtochrist4727 Me toooooo. I'm trying, REALLY trying to break FREEEEEE, someway, somehow...
@@Dominopole YES IT IS!
I would not call it love bombing I call it tricky crual bombind design for the the wrong type of people to lure and set a trap for the victims and othere people to fall in the rabbit hole with them. Lane
This sums up my 27 year long marriage to the ex Narc. Trauma Bond is horrible! All I wanted was to be loved and accepted for who I am. But then I was no longer measuring up. I was always falling short. I was constantly trying to make the Narc happy and to just love me as I loved him. When I finally realized he didn’t really love me at all and it was all a lie, that’s when the trauma bond was broke for me. I now know I can validate myself and I see what I am worth. It doesn’t matter if the Narc knows or anyone else, I KNOW. 🥰
Reading that felt like I wrote it myself. I remember constantly telling myself during my 16 year marriage to her if I can just give her a little bit more then the woman I fell in love with will come back to me...of course she never did because she never existed in the first place. Accepting they never loved you in the first place hurts like hell but an absolute must. Glad to see you've recovered and moved on.
They probably aren't a narcissist! My guess is that they're most likely depressed, and depression is something that easily and commonly leads to people being very self-absorbed.
That is simply because someone with depression doesn't have the room to care about other people, since all they can focus on is their own suffering. When every thought you have loops back to how YOU are doing so badly, then of course you're going to become very self-centered.
Don't confuse that with narcissism, it is not the same thing.
@@bunille yeah he was depressed after our children were born and he was no longer the center of attention. I got depressed too from no support from him, but I was not cruel to him ever like he was to me. You didn’t live with him and I don’t expect you to know based on a short paragraph I wrote. Many narcs are depressed people.
@@Hawelufamily Narcissism to the point of trauma bonding isn't common at all; narcissism, as a personality trait, is... every single person has traits of narcissism.
But that's the thing: very depressed people get angry and such because they don't know how to cope; anyone who's going through a tough time wants attention, they want to be treated well to get out of that dark place, just as much as you do, I'd assume. It is also more likely for a man to be angry and a woman to cry, for the simple fact that boys are conditioned to toughen up, and this is their way of venting; it's equivalent to crying. Instead of flight, it's fight. It is a literal defence mechanism.
Many depressed people, those with PTSD, etc., get angry sometimes. Depressed people also can't really love someone else if they don't love themselves, it hurts: yes it is possible, but that only makes them feel even more loveless because they end up becoming selfless and codependent and never thinking about their own wellbeing, and not many people would risk that unless it was conditioned into them to be a doormat from a young age. It's usually a symptom of trauma, and to victim-blame them is essentially the cruellest thing you could do to them. Pretty much nobody is malignant and vindictive, and everyone is narcissistic in one way or another, the world isn't black and white: we all make mistakes and a lot of us are selfish, so because he's not professionally diagnosed, I'm not going to pretend that he is when he isn't.
A diagnosis of NPD is also pretty easy to get, that is, unless you just want to see them suffer when they're in actuality the victim, and therefore won't be diagnosed, or you can't wait for years of intensive check-ups (because you know it'll be found out as incorrect accusations). Quite a high percentage of people are diagnosed with NPD in the US alone. If you really think he is harmful, get him diagnosed, because to say he's narcissistic literally means nothing when everybody is narcissistic, everybody is mean, and everybody is greedy one way or another: or are we projecting? Empaths don't attack each other and have fights (arguments are normal; I mean toxicity in everyday life even out of an argument), they understand that we can do shitty things, apologise (once out of the emotional state; forcing them to apologise in an emotional state is abusive and controlling), and then make up; not act superior from the other.
And prepare for backlash from him, because you'd be doing a shitty thing regardless of if he was one or not. Blind accusations to innocent people is a very traumatic occurrence, and a lot of the time they might even be arrested for doing nothing. Normal people can be misdiagnosed, keep that in mind, although that is unlikely. (Also, don't manipulate the diagnosis to go the way you want it to: a very good professional would be able to notice NPD without needless third-party slander that can warp their judgement).
And if he ends up not getting diagnosed, then he wasn't one and you can stop smearing him online with buzzwords.
If you really cared about people and had empathy, you'd be focusing on bringing yourself up; not once bringing others down.
If you REALLY want to bring him down, perhaps a good start is to not make it look like you're seeking attention. Another good start is to begin calling him a jerk rather than a narc.
If you are truly a victim and not playing a part in the toxicity, you'd understand.
And if I'm being wholly honest... damn, 27 years. If he was a narc you'd... uh... notice it from near the beginning, not finally after 27 whole years. Was he not a narc for those 27 years and suddenly is, and you're pretending it's a GENETIC DISORDER and not just onset depression? Because as I said, everyone is narcissistic. We're just moving the goalpost.
Get yourself couples therapy if you're still together and actually loved him for those 27 years as you say you did, especially if you're both depressed: watch how you both change for the better once you both learn compassion. If anything narcissistic pops up there, it will be noted and therapy will be given. If a "narcissist" can heal from that, then they weren't a narcissist (disorder: narcissism on its own is as tame as anything non-mental illness that we overdramatise) in the first place.
@@bunille you still don’t understand
I made it out after 5 years. Broken, lost and clinically depressed but not beyond repair.. I'm now divorced and in therapy; which has been very very very helpful and validating.. I pray for whoever may still be going through this toxic cycle. Know that you are not alone, you are stronger than you think and your life is worth living.. You will break free!
This was so spot on and accurate it was almost poetic how it real it is. Thank you ❤
Yes👍
Yes, Michele, this was excellent.
This is definitely my life right now and I need out asap. Thank you for the great information 💜
Yes it was
I’ve watched a lot of videos and read a lot of books to try to makes sense of my relationship. You are right, this is not only spot on but it goes a step further by shining light on the tendency to listen to video after video explaining that while it can feel healing by way of validation, it’s not the same of getting professional help.
This made me cry.
I am 2 months out of exactly this kind of relationship. I had completely lost myself... Thank you for putting it all into words.
Same here. It’s been 3 months
I am only 4 days out and still pining for him to call even though I need and want to leave. I dont know how to do this.
Heather-are you emotionally able to block him? Sometimes it’s actually a huge relief that he can’t contact you and that you are in charge. That’s why you have to go “no contact”-they can’t pull you back to the abuse cycle. Please try, and hugs.
@@ravenel2 yh he called me two days ago and I just saw him adding songs to our playlist and changing the picture of the playlist to our anniversary picture. I think he wasn’t necessarily a narcissist but definitely very very lost. He used to be different and once he lost his mom it went very downhill. I was there for him through it all, but now that we had to do LDR there was almost no effort from his side anymore. He told me how he basically talked more to everyone except me. I was the least. And I was like “took you long enough to realise…” But well he was so so miserable when he called me two days ago. It took all of me to just be kind and give a friendly solution. He hanged up and apologised for calling through an unknown number. And for bothering me. I just told him to take care. I was so so close to actually ask him WHEN he added the songs , because the last one was something that my friend mentioned, that particular artist. Two days ago. So if he added the songs that day, it would be a sign. But than again, even if he became “healthy” there truly is no future. No matter how much he loved me. I had to pay for everything. Emotionally. Financially. Physically. Literally everything you can mention. So no I wanna be spoiled. I don’t wanna be the man of the relationship and beg for dates, heck I didn’t even get them. I had to literally beg to see his lazy ass at his home. So no. This ain’t it. It’s been over 8 months that his mom passed away so I would expect at least some kind of remorse for the things I did for him but nope. None.
This is SOOO disappointing, I can't believe that there are people out there that plan to manipulate like this is so heart breaking. It's so super informative though, thanks for helping out people like you are, and atleast we don't have to live like that anymore:)
It's even scary when it's your actual caregivers 😥😥💔
kimmy stanzel Yes in the workplace... a leader can do it to workers to hide their lack of knowledge and adequacy too.. in their job. So they develop flying monkeys around them. Stay away.. Many get stuck in jobs from this after years wake up top the fact that they are truly mean.
It's likely not always concious...
@@hadleybee9710 I think especially covert narcs it's not conscious. Mine had some self awareness and was sad. She seemed to hate it. Told me she tries to care and understand but doesn't know how she just has endless need for her and she can't understand how to change. It was this moment of vulnerability before she went back to normal hoover. Was very sad to witness.
@@last0light yh he called me two days ago and I just saw him adding songs to our playlist and changing the picture of the playlist to our anniversary picture. I think he wasn’t necessarily a narcissist but definitely very very lost. He used to be different and once he lost his mom it went very downhill. I was there for him through it all, but now that we had to do LDR there was almost no effort from his side anymore. He told me how he basically talked more to everyone except me. I was the least. And I was like “took you long enough to realise…” But well he was so so miserable when he called me two days ago. It took all of me to just be kind and give a friendly solution. He hanged up and apologised for calling through an unknown number. And for bothering me. I just told him to take care. I was so so close to actually ask him WHEN he added the songs , because the last one was something that my friend mentioned, that particular artist. Two days ago. So if he added the songs that day, it would be a sign. But than again, even if he became “healthy” there truly is no future. No matter how much he loved me. I had to pay for everything. Emotionally. Financially. Physically. Literally everything you can mention. So no I wanna be spoiled. I don’t wanna be the man of the relationship and beg for dates, heck I didn’t even get them. I had to literally beg to see his lazy ass at his home. So no. This ain’t it. It’s been over 8 months that his mom passed away so I would expect at least some kind of remorse for the things I did for him but nope. None.
I think a lot of guys will
give out signs that they
are trouble while they
are "love bombing."
The problem is women
are taught to read too
much into it when men
are being nice and to
not notice sarcastic
remarks that are warning
them that trouble's
coming down the road.
I stay away from suspicious
people as much as possible
and always have.
Cinema reinforces the love bombing phase. It models for us what love is, and the narcs seize the opportunity to perpetrate fake love.
And oftentimes our intuition, gut feeling, whatever you want to call it is giving subtle little hints that things are not as they should be, but logic takes over and talks us out of it.
Sarcastic remarks...so on point. When that starts run. Sarcasm is just contempt displayed in socially acceptable way. But they were "just joking".
@@JennaMagical I wouldn't know exactly, I think the person who uses sarcasm in order to demean you is because they are feeling some kind of contempt for you or envy and they might not be necessarily conscious of it. For example, the person I knew would make sarcastic jokes about my difficulties I previously told them about. Then they'd also made a sarcastic joke about my potential death. And then of course invalidate my feelings by saying I am too sensitive to even react in a negative way to such comments. Obviously the person who does this must be very resentful and bitter and you will not change them. It is very unlikely that they'd change. If you stay, you'll just hurt yourself in the process...like I did.
@@JennaMagical thanks for empathising, I hope it helps you a little to recognize toxic behaviour in others. Just trust your gut when you deal with such people.😊
I never knew what happened to me!!!
Ur not alone...but now slowly healing but the trauma is still. He treat me so nice and after use he throws seems like
Me more than a garbage he smeared and he happy that I’m was had burned out emotionally
🤪🤩
I had to learn to value and prioritize Self Care, Self Worth, Self Esteem, Self Nurturing Self Supporting behaviour.
I now keep my to tolerance for mistreatment LOW
and my SelfCare High 💖
I hate to think that there is some sort of backhanded value to having narcs in our society.
Life.
Whatever.
It does get better with age as long as we bother to learn.
That comment really helped, I keep my tolerance for mistreatment low to none lately also..just started valuing myself to do this recently
I think it helps watching these videos when we're still needing to make sure we're not in contact with the nacrcissit or flying monkeys it helps have some way to have a safe place to fill the strong vacuum initially. The validation and feeling of having someone with you when you're struggling with a huge vacuum of having no one after having then as your emotional source and having them in your day is really helpful. Watching your videos and others helps me not just be alone in ny own thoughts beating myself up and helps me not feel alone. But I agree at some point we get to a place where its time to start building the healing.
Thank you for your videos and helping us not be alone. Sadly I have to say I thought I would never fall prey to one of these types again and Im BACK here again because I did, and it was the worst one ever.
Some are such professionals and they know exactly how to pick us out. Im doing the work now to make sure I am never their target again! Never.
Be safe, smart, separate.
i forgot where the term flying monkeys came from..is that wizard of oz?
How will you ever know when you find something real after knowing the truth about this. I feel I will always doubt everyone in my life.
same
I loved this suggestion from one of the experts, "Yes, we will find it hard to trust again. Question:? Why would we trust another person? People lie, cheat, disappoint, fall short, etc. even to themselves. We get to be genuine, vulnerable, and authentic with ourselves. We get to trust that we have learned our lessons and will make the right decisions about what and who is right for us". (Not a direct / exact quote). We only need trust ourselves. We get to realize our decisions are based on the best information we have available at that moment. We may occasionally make another mistake. We get to forgive ourselves when / if that happens.
I was told to have compassion for myself: I hope you find compassion for yourself! We are all learning we are worth it.
One clue is that normal relationships are very boring.
@@ThatWyrdGirl ... there is some truth to this, but it doesn't have to be that way. You get to create the relationship that you want, that lights you up.
I’m sitting in the park after work with tears rolling down my cheeks .
Love ❤ same here ..monsters...
Don't give up Get counseling It helps
55 yrs on this planet and the few decent ppl in my life have been dead fot decades . Empaths guard your heart. Set boundaries & take a long time during the vetting process and never be afraid to chop a MF. DECADES of my life destroyed due to these demons
We empaths should also face up to and accept the reality that out of all the many "nice" people and "friends" we meet in life, only a very few individuals are genuinely looking out for us and actually care. Narcissism is a pandemic too.
@@hayleycrawford2784 God is that true!!
Michele hi, sometimes people stay in the situation because they donot know how to break free from a toxic relationship until a person like you come along to assist them on how to get away from it by your videos to help them to began to get out of it , so thank you Michele for this upload and take care and stay safe.😊😊😊
Perfect way to put it!
@@johnmatthews5321 hi and thank you for the reply and stay safe.😊
I am trying to get away from the trauma bonding .
I saw how blatantly ugly it was when I realized I had become really truly isolated and had only him to turn to for comfort for the horrible stuff he caused. Wow took another nine months to be hurt enough and frustrated enough...then humiliated enough. Too crazy, me and he, but I did get free second time I tried. Get free cuz it just gets sicker and you'll get sicker. I actually dont even think free yet all the day...but I'm getting better. Not going back cuz every time I tried to be a string adult in his world that it became dangerous and I could only be isolated and in danger of a permanently broken mind there.
@@cindirose3390 I agree it sucks being isolated .
The key is to increase your self esteem, your self image and your self concept. Find out the ways to do that and the trauma bond will fade overnight. When it does you will look back and laugh at the pathetic non entity, black hole of nothingness, the narcissist.
@@raccuia1 how do we do that? I feel like I'm stuck in a holding pattern. 😔
@@msharic85 I once heard it put so simply....true selfesteem comes only from doing truly esteemable things.
Just poyr all your best into doing for yourself first be selfish . Give only as much to that jerk that he gives to you....use all that remaining energy for the very next thing you can see to do to shake your progress. Just put the attention on your stuff. They are so damnmed self aborbed it probably will go unnoticed to some days.
Great information! I wish I knew these 20 years ago!
My gosh YES....
music2myears2 it would have saved me a lot of heartache! 🤗
That’s exactly what I’m going through it’s spot on So true hurts more to leave then to stay I get anxiety
I felt personally called out when you mentioned jumping from one video to the next! Total lightbulb moment. Thank you! ❤️
When I confronted my ex she ghosted me she didn't want to be held accountable for her abuse I waited 4 days no contact from her so I broke up with her and blocked her out of my life now I am dealing with the aftermath
What is happening in the aftermath?
It hurts it feels like someone you loved so much just died and you are grieving their death you have different stages of denial you start the make excuses for them you start to blame yourself you start saying to yourself they're coming back then you say no they're not coming back you start to get into arguments in your mind you start to come up with scenarios of what happened what could you have done differently but there's nothing you could have done you aren't the one who is broken they are 💯💔 the person that you fell in love with isn't real if you're in a relationship with a narcissist you need to end it now you need to block them out of your life then come to terms with the truth they never loved you and they never will block them out of your life and move on trust me you will heal 💯❤️☀️
Dean Taylor 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 I know exactly what you mean!!!! Wow your respect is exactly what I would say-which is validation that mine was a narcissist. Not that it really matters, but us healing our childhood trauma(s) and knowing our worth is the true journey of what matters. 💪🏾💪🏾💪🏾💪🏾
Be glad. It may hurt now but you will be so thankful that you stood up for yourself!
Good luck to you
@@deantaylor8851
I can understand you
Its emotional flash backs
Im going through similar i watch richard grannon and his video motivate me seriously
Good luck to healing my friend
Its hard im so confused my self.
Omg! This Blows my Mind..bc this is My Life.. And has been for 20yrs. I can't live like this anymore and I've filed for divorce. I'm not the same person I was 20yrs ago. I've lost myself along the way. Its all been like a bad dream, and this shit is not really happening! And then reality hit. I was scared and I still am. I honestly feel like I was being brain washed! And he has control over every aspect of my life. It's hard when you realize the man you fell in love with doesn't even exist! Any ladies that are going through this, RUN!!Please stay Safe, and Stay Strong! Wishing you all the Best💕 We Got This Ladies💎💯
I really appreciate this video! Two things that *especially* stood out for me were:
1) the Stage 2 intermediate stage between the love-Bomb and Devaluation phases, and
2) the recommendation to seek help/videos on *healing* from the abuse as opposed to just watching the narc videos, because one addiction (to the narc) can easily be replaced by another (watching narc videos)
Great watch! Recommending to a friend now :)
I agree. It helps to watch the narc videos because we get validation from them. They give valuable information and validation...etc. But it does keep the narc in our heads. How can we move on if we don't focus on healing and getting back to the bright side. Stronger and wiser as well.
That’s why I’m glad I found a real great job, full of positive ppl that show me appreciation for my work but also treat me with respect! I’ve been through a lot! But I still have hope in being happy with a real companion!
I wish. It's been bad since I was born. All my relationships left me feeling very depressed, discarded, and completely isolated. It's not a happy existence for me but I finally found validation in videos like this. Thank you for your support and the opportunity to get the help I have sought out all my life. ❤
Your not alone..ive experience the same as you.
@@krystleschultz500 thank you, I hope everything works out for you. Take care 🙂
Michele thank you so much for this video. It amazes me how you have so much insight into these types of relationships. You've described mine exactly. It provides a sense of relief. I like your point about getting hooked on videos at some point you have to focus on yourself. I found CODA and ACA groups provided a lot of support with this. A little more effective than weekly or biweekly one hour appointments.
I really didn't trust myself. One of the embarrassing byproducts was that I spoke to everyone about our situation, all the craziness, abuse, jealousy. My People and my partner took it as I was trying to bad mouth her. But I was just trying to make sense of the craziness. I was trying, hoping that someone would confirm it and give me the courage to leave. However it was never enough cause I didn't believe it strongly enough. I didn't feel like I had a right to decide something was bad in my opinion and I needed to walk away. I really did try to talk with my ex about all these things first.
As I have had 9 months of space from her and a lot of work, I can see how crazy it was. Michele's videos have been an important part of my recovery.
Trauma bonding so well explained. Felt it all... I was still really confused and tried explaining there was a whole push and pull not simply "triggered" thats why I didnt walk away... and a aquiantance said I was crazy, I should calm down, and should "get help", and stop talking about it. ... some clueless people.
The problem is, that person never loved her. He was manipulating & conning you into thinking that he did. Once he had you hooked, the real person came out.
Truth!
Trust yourself without question 💖
Second guess those who don't have your back,
those who don't support you, undermine you, belittle you,
minimize you, discredit, demean, decieve, manipulate
or mock you.
My coworkers.
I'm interviewing for a new job this week.
Thank you
7 years of my life gone over this. I've known for the last 3years what is happening. It saved my sanity discovering the whole npd thing. I cried with releaf.. I really thought I was dropping my basket. But I can't break all the way free. Maddening.
robbíe s I feel you. 17 years for me. Awakened in the past year. Working toward breaking free. Good luck to you!
Robbie S...Its the part where she was talking about the brain and dopamine...we need to retrain our thinking and get it off of the person who hurt you...i totally understand your situation...its horrid but we'll make it...keep on and keep the faith
I am in the exact same situation. I hope you get free and get peace.
I was in the exact same situation for 9 years and just recently gained enough courage to end the relationship. My body couldn't take it anymore, it was my body who screamed it couldn't take it any longer and my mind finally listened. It wasn't easy, it was like I cut an arm off when I had to tell him and I felt like I was dying but it gets better. Fortunately I always gave importance to my psychologic health, so I was having therapy sessions while on this relationship (I went because of my anxiety). My therapist is an angel, I own her so much. She was the one who made me self-aware of many things I was blind to regarding myself and this relationship.
I want to tell you I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and I want to encourage you. It's possible to break free. It really is. Listen to your body, prioritize you're well-being. You're not being a bad person by prioritizing your needs first. You deserve better. Surround yourself with people who see your pain and support you during the process.
I wish you can soon break free from this abuse. Conquer your fear, you can do it.
The trauma bond is how it all begins... Without this bond, they can't really gain control over your feelings. Watch out for people who have a Jekyll-Hyde quality about them. You may not see this right away, but there are subtle signs, such as a person treating you poorly in the past and later treating you kindly. Or people who seem to go back and forth between times of severe chaos and times of absolute success and contentedness. This is a pattern they follow. Healthy people are fairly consistent in their behaviors and lifestyles, while narcs are the opposite.
The downward trajectory starts with their wound, manufactured, accusing you of having injured them. Your response is to feel responsible and determined to never let that happen again. The internal dialog is, oh my god I didn't know that about myself. So then you become very sorry and they reward you for feeling bad.
Bang.
Now they got you in deep self doubt.
What do they actually accuse you of?
@@fasiahmedkhan9837 everything their paranoid minds can think of.
That's how much they hate themselves. And treating you this way provides pleasure for them. They mirror us. When ur not in their presence they don't recaall who you are. They don't know your core believes.
I agree Ed...i think they are controlled by Satan and demons
Right on subject with accuracy, prayers to all of you watching this and discovering what it is we dealing with, understanding it will help us heal faster.🙏🏻🥰
That was me!! He put me through the ringer, got me arrested . Im good now... i just cant stop thinking i how bad i want to rub it in his face of how blessed i am truly am now away from in him.
Karma is so much wiser than we are in her punishment, and she's so intimate in that personal place she gets someone back. Leave it to Karma. Perhaps they're too stupid from selfishness to see Karma, who knows cuz they don't ever react like the test of humanity. However, if they wouldn't listen to us with all our love trying to get them to be a fair person so likely Karma will have to gut punch them a few times to get their attention.
Just focus your energy on getting your best life without them whenever you can. Karma won't hurt you if you don't break any moral code so just do your thing and leave the rest to Karma.
Ya it would be helpful if my sister would get off her high horse go over there get my clothes, essentials and things , to keep him from having some control. She wants me to have the new church i have just joined have their people, go there and to her church to get clothes i can fit. Now mind you i have a back injury. Then throws a fit, cause she thinks its because she thinks im upset she wont just do what i say. Does some blame game. Now how does tjat look really to have new people from a church go to her and her husbands church. By all means , they can do it. My sister that is. Im having to go through his 19yr old grandson to get stuff and still have to deal with it. He is doing to his grandson what he had me do to his grandson cause he is far above anyone else to do what he wanted me out of his life. That not right to that kid, ya know. You would think my sister would understand. I tried to explain to her she is enabling him to keep doing what hes always done. She wouldnt hear it. She called i didnt answer all she does is scream. I text to her instead. Im not reading it. Ya know.... its just, wow ya know? Thank you very answering me... You have a blessed day....
Ya, I do, she just never stops with her complaining about me. Shes a preachers wife, I doubt her congregation knows what she does to me. Its just shes my sister. Of course 48yrs old and hasnt changed yet. Thank you.
I got my ex arrested. The attack had me oozing blood for days.
Good time to begin no contact.
Wisconsin Farmer I’m sorry that happened to you, I hope you’re in a better place now without them x
I sent this to my loved ones so they could better understand me and stop making me feel even crazier.
I'm severely trauma bonded. I used to be so independent. Now I'm addicted to another human being who seems to enjoy hurting me. I know this but still the addiction wins and is too strong to change anything. For a moment I thought he was telling me it was over and meant it, and my body reacted like I've never experienced before. I lost all my air and I swear it felt like my heart stopped, I couldn't draw in a breath accompanied by the worst imaginable emotional devastation. It was so horrific all I could thing was no let me die now so I don't have to feel another second. I would of screamed if I had air. Then his text came in and I was able to breath again when he said no it wasn't over. I would never willingly put myself through that level of pain again. There are no words to describe it. I'm on a waiting list to see a councilor. It's all I can figure out to do.
I cannot emphasise strongly enough how EMDR therapy will liberate you of some of those hooks. If you find a well trained therapist it will be a fast and efficient way to move on from some of this. There are videos about it. I have done some and can tell you that the effects are long lasting.
Narcissist just want you to be a disciple to their personality. They want admiration, non-stop.
Emdr was a miracle for me. It even works on ancient childhood injuries from 60 years ago.
EMDR is a god-send!
How many sessions
@@svetikchum6988 I supposed trauma history would dictate that. But for me about 6 made a life long lasting impact.
@@svetikchum6988 I probably had about 6. I had to move. But the changes were pretty obvious over the course of the next year.
This was me about 5 years ago. I have discovered, thru the quarantine, and within my Spiritual Awakening that I am still suffering PTSD from it and it took a wonderful man who became the best friend I've ever had, to gently show this to me.
Unfortunately this led to codepency and self-worth issues. I was terribly damaged. I am trying to heal.
I feel so sad all this happened to me. I cant believe the person I thought of as my best friend and soulmate who I gave my all for for years just used and abused me.
I am going through this now, be strong I am, getting a little better
How are you doing now days tina, a year later
I am so glad I got away from that MONSTER!
Really love you for what you do So needed this today Thank you Beautiful I am so grateful for all the survivors like you There are not many But Thank God for the few bless their hearts again and of course you
Do you realize how Beautiful You Truly Are Thank You
Kudos. This is the best description/explanation of trauma bond that I've discovered. I can share this video to answer to those who care to ask why I "love" him so much and have such a hard time struggling with each day of no contact and why I celebrate something so simple as the length of time I've gone not talking to him. I am slowly breaking away from the narcissism research and shifting it to healing childhood wounds. I'm doing amazing, I think, despite the severity of the abuse, all crammed into a short time, including substances he got me on, and breaking free from all of it. I nearly died. I lost almost everything and everyone. I FOUND ME. I love me. I'm proud of me. I know he's not far. I struggle. I get my "fix" sometimes but looking at old vids/pics of him/us, watching vids of narcissism, but I get stronger every day. Go survivors!!! Forgive the narcissist. Forgive yourself. Find peace.
You get to the heart of this relationship dynamic, dear friend! And I totally understand, what you say about the addiction for binge-watching videos about narcissists and their abuse. But I get aware of the abuse by watching videos like this, about what such relationships have done to me. Because it was so subtle and delicate, it takes time to get aware of it. And since I experienced narcissistic abuse in several occasions, especially in work places and want to protect myself, when entering the labour-market again, I watch these videos. By videos such as these, I work on myself.
This is so accurate it’s scary. For 20yrs I was with someone I now know was a covert narcissist, I knew the relationship was literally killing me and was convinced if I could just get out I’d be ok but I was wrong. When I finally did get out I was so lost and confused I had a breakdown. That was 5yrs ago, after hours of therapy I am starting to recover but I 'still don’t feel free of him, the memories go round & round in my head and out of the blue something can trigger a flashback and it’s like it just happened yesterday all, over again.
This is so accurate. By the end of your relationship you've given your all, you've given them everything and you are spent. You're a shadow of your former self, your energy is spent, your sparkle has gone out. This is when they tire of you and go out and find new supply behind your back. You loved them without end with all your heart, you poured all the love respect and care you had into them and you realise you received nothing in return and they exchange you for the next supply as easily as if you were grains of rice in a bowl. Its devastating. Its taken me a year to recover but finally the clouds are parting as I pour all my love respect and care into myself. The world looks beautiful again and I cannot believe how I lost myself in that trauma bond. 💔
I've been making progress . Then I got blindsided .. devastating
Same. Stay in the fight. I’m trying 🙌🏼
@@monicadlynn I agree . for me the hardest step was the first. Good luck
As always, your videos are spot on. Your channel helped me break free 4 years ago. It is still a battle, some days better than others. It still amazes me how exactly you can describe what it was like. A good reminder to make my brain say "oh Yes, THATS what we left. We don't have to do that anymore. Calm down." Your message at the end is so important. Leaving a narc isn't like leaving other relationships. Healing is a lot of work and takes so much time. But its worth it 💗 I am not fully healed, but I get better each year. Surviving to thriving!!! Thank you so much for your channel. ❤
You are so lovely lady.May Lord create woman like you to save people.This video precisely resonates with me, how trauma bond manifest over time if not carefully scrutinized and caution need to be taken before some devious things happen.Trauma bond is like a IV drop of poison slowly enters into human psychic produces irresistible urge of addiction under a loop of endless suffering which makes it difficult to control.Viler emotions coming up from the surface of subconscious mind leads to craziness.
Thank you, you've touched on something I've wondered if I was heading in a wring direction. I was, but you explained it and I thank you. The video's were becoming a substitute. Time to move on. Thank you again.
We must look inward during infrequent reinforcement. We can validate ourselves.
went through all of this
from stage one to stage seven. this video explains it perfectly.
i've left my covert narcissist about five months ago. we were together for a little over a year and a half and lets just say the damage that was done to me by stage seven pushed me extremely close to wanting to take my own life because nothing i was doing was saving us even though i was being obedient and everything in my life revolved around trying to make them happy...and they were getting ready to discard me for another supply anyway. i felt worthless, powerless, and broken, and i felt like i could only blame myself because they'd gaslit, shamed, and blamed me enough times for me to feel unsafe confronting them on their behavior and over time i started to believe their twisted reality over what i instinctively knew was an abusive relationship because i feared being abandoned more than i feared the abuse.
a month after i cut them off for good they tried to hoover me back into the relationship in the worst way that they knew would yank up my chain and lure me back in. i was lucky enough to have friends who were supporting me at the time talk some sense into me before i could fall back into the pattern. it was hard, having to stand up to them and tell them i don't care anymore. probably one of the hardest things ive ever done besides cutting them off. but in order to take back my power, i had to say it to their face that they no longer hold power over me. they tried to tell me i was being counterproductive, but what they didn't realize was that i was giving myself permission to walk away from them. permanently.
and yet, even after months of going no contact, boxing up and hiding away all the gifts they sent me, deleting all the videos and photos we shared with eachother, educating myself on narcissistic abuse and forcing myself to remember all the awful things they did to me and face the reality of what was, i've been experiencing so much withdrawal. i'd still fantasize about them and indulge in all the daydreams of us being happy together that kept me going when i was with them. i found myself missing them, i /still/ sometimes miss them. but i've realized that i've been obsessing over them even after letting them go. that my brain was still chasing those happy chemicals it got during the lovebombing phase. i've been romanticizing them in my head and salivating over the tragedy happened between us and just completely fixated on the anger and rage and pain and heartbreak. it's only been hurting me and holding me back.
i had to realize that it just wasnt what love is. abuse is not love. there is no justification for it. even if there was a chance they genuinely did care about me and love me, it cannot and will not redeem them in my eyes after what i've witnessed. i needed to stop treating this experience like it was some big romantic fairy tale and that they were the one for me. instead, i need to focus on loving myself instead. i need to focus on falling in love with myself and my own life and bring my own charm and excitement to it instead. because if i can't depend on myself to make myself happy, i'm only going to repeat the same mistake with another narc.
thats what i appreciate about the end of this video, that it directs the viewers to focus on healing their trauma instead of just simply educating us on what trauma bonds are. it really is true that you can fall into the trap of fixating on having your experiences get validated and replaying those awful memories in your head to the point it's all you think about.
focus on what's ahead for you. focus on empowering yourself and healing yourself. let yourself feel the hurt and pain and process it, however you feel most comfortable processing, whether it's talking it out- writing in a journal, going to therapy, having friends to support you, listening to music or podcasts or creating art. remind yourself that it wasn't your fault and that you are worth so much more than what the abuser made you believe about yourself. i write underneath my wrist with a small sharpie every time it starts to blur and fade away two important sentences so i can look down at it and remind myself every time i start to think about my ex abuser.
"abuse is not love. love yourself first."
It’s incredible how accurate this is at describing my experience with my ex. To a T. And I could see it all happening, but I doubted myself, my own intuition pounding me over the head, because of all the gaslighting. Now that it’s over, it’s been six months… the breakup was the most painful thing I’ve experienced in my whole life, how sadistic she treated me, as she moved on immediately with her coworker that she swore was just a “friend” for an entire year before… but the narcissistic fog has cleared and I see things so much clearer now. And my mind is still blown. I’m honestly surprised I’m still alive. It’s been brutal but it does get better. It’s not consuming anymore, there’s only waves of it, and they’re not as torturous. One of the things that’s helped me the most was these kind of videos and getting fiercely back into my body, which helped me get out of my mind and it’s ruminating. For me, that’s taken the form of physical and demanding labor work… and I can say that as hard as it is on my body, it’s like heaven compared to the devastation my heart and mind went through. You will get through this.
The man I experienced this insidious bond with for almost 4 years he said soemthing that stood out.... he said when he met my group of friends he was drawn to me because I seemed so innocent compared to some of the girls in the group. They were party girls, a reckless down would say and he told me I wasn’t like them and my demeanor was kind, timid and warm and that’s why he couldn’t stop thinking about me and had to have me. At the time awhile back I thought that was amaziningly “romantic” and gives me butterflies to this day remembering how him saying that made me feel so amazing inside.... but truthfully it was him stalking his prey.... targeting his next victim. It wasn’t love at all
Thank you Michelle. I can see that I’m hooked on watching the videos and not doing the inner work....And it’s keeping me stuck. I also think that I’m struggling with a trauma bond which is horrendous :(
Been there done that. It sucks and it's mentally and emotionally exhausting. No matter how much you do it's never good enough. It's just a living hell. That's why I stay by myself. The hurt and pain of an abusive relationship is horrible. I tell people who's been in an abusive relationship or abused to go get help for yourself. Take time to rest, find yourself again and heal. Don't rush into another relationship. Take time to heal, get to know your inner self again and seek help.
It was only when trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t crazy that I learned about covert narcissism, and boy have I learned a lot! There is so much work in getting free. I’m glad I know that I’m worth it. I’m so thankful for the counselors and all of the people that make these teachings.
Happiest of Holidays Ailene! I finally got away from my "covert narc" who is an attorney and a deacon in the biggest baptist church in town ONLY after finding PROOF he was having an affair with our much younger financial advisor (luckily, Wells Fargo fired her and Cary Street Partners hired her). It was hard because he denied the first two affairs telling me I was crazy to think he would ever do anything like that (then I caught the married mistress and ex in St. Louis together). Believe IN YOURSELF!! You will be SO much happier on the other side!! You ARE SO WORTH IT!!
@@dlwsport250 Thank you for encouraging me-it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I hope things are going well for you now. These teachings are such a help. (There was only codependency to learn about when I was younger, and now there is so much information available.)
@@ailenefisher8068 Never forget your OWN WORDS: "I'm glad I know that I'm worth it!!!" Because I promise you that you Are.... All we need to do is break the addiction to the covert narc's words and manipulations .... You ARE WORTH the love and validation that you provide to YOU"... the covert narc is not worth all that you HAVE to offer those that are worthy of what you offer !
@@dlwsport250 Okay, and thank you!!!
I left mine several times and every time he would come back as if we never broke up. He eventually was the one who discarded me
Thank you for this compassionate breakdown. Especially at the end where you essentially say that NOT watching videos like much of your content (which has been very helpful just syk) and shifting off the NPD/BPD “info”, and onto more self-healing. That’s the place I’m in now - needing to make that shift. Appreciate your videos and the help you’re providing to all of us.
I love you, spot on. I bought the new DSM five yesterday a complex PTSD book and trauma healing book and I’m changing a therapist one that understands narcissism now
Thank you for a perfect description of the stages of trauma bonding. I have been there, it is exactly the way you have put it. And there is way out! It is possible.
I just want you to know that your videos saved my life. I had suicide thoughts almost everyday. One day I bumped in one of your videos. Now 4 years have past, I feel much better, and you are in my prayers 🙏 God bless you!
So true I am a copendent and malignant narcissists are who I always gravitate towards... But when I started to look at videos on here I realised the process and I was not worthless like they make you feel... Its a constant pattern they do... I now choose wiser.
Very incredible video. I got chills within the first minute and tears began to flow throughout. Thank you especially for the ending about watching endless videos. It does help us process but we have to take external measures to heal. Thank you sister
After 15 years in a relationship like this and then another 7 years of stalking...I survived and overcame. I healed myself with many acts of kindness and self love and learning about co dependant behavior that was taught to me in childhood. I am so grateful I got to the other side.
Thank you kindly! I have just learned of trauma bonding and I am desperately seeking help to overcome the deep, dark hole I have found myself in. Bless you! I am at a all time low. Feeling so worthless and struggling to find any happiness or self worth.
this is what I went through, and only few friends understood. It took a while to break away and didn't judge me. the cptsd videos really helped me.. balancing between those type of videos.. lots and lots and lots of prayer. Still healing slowly, retraining my brain with moments of beautiful music or doing something that feels good to me or benefits me during times when I would talk to them to get that 'high' from them.
You've become my favourite go to coach . I'm still healing 7 months on. Been one of the hardest battles of my life, staying away from the ex whilst still trauma bonded. You're explaining everything like you know me personally 💕
Shocking behaviour truly disgusting ,thank God I got my chance to get away, healing and thriving, loving me now , learnt so many things about myself, my life researching narcissist, now am self empowered, undoing the narcissists that were in my life, my life is my own now ,smiling living in happiness doing the work on myself for the best version of myself..
Wow! This is so accurate! Thank you for this video.💜
Wow this is exactly what I’ve been going thru Thank you for sharing this video !
Thank you for this video! I've been learning from you for over a year. I like many youtubers on this topic, but I connect with your energy the most easily.
My friend is in a terrible relationship. I've been looking for the perfect video to send her to help her get that she's in a toxic relationship. I think this is the one. I hope this helps the light bulb go on for her.
You have done such an amazing job of describing exactly what a person goes through in a trauma bond. It helped me so much to hear this. I actually don’t need to hear any other videos and I’ve been listening to narc videos for 3 years now.
Ty, even if its now a year ago and im still fighting but accepting the truth- this made me cry, cause a TH-cam Video better understands my situation than she ever could or tried
So glad information of this is available to people. Happens to more people than you can possibly believe. More than once often. Life long state.
The beginning made me cry. It feels good to know I’m not alone.
your tvideo test about narcissism saved my sanity and from diabolical personality of narc that was eating me alive in every way so cruely as cold blooded robot in many ways as rust eat metal... Michelle, your video was very first one and like accidental just in time I needed 1 year and half ago, I did buy your book also and watch many other people videos about narcissism to brainwash myself back to... myself... better version of it cos now educated about this disorder of selfishness & sick pride... later I get in to it deeper understanding that my vulnerability was from childhood wounds, that I can't blame only narcy, God did take me on healing and freedom journey from narc with those videos cos no way I would trust my pain, shame, guilt, abuse story to alive and professional therapist so people who get themselves free, helped me with those videos... Thank you for very sensitive and honest story... My wake up was slow like from hypnotic, coddled dream, then I realised is also addiction to abuse, co-dependency, trauma bonding, yep and cognitive dissonance that you helped me to admit to myself first... Blessed be & Shalom!!! 🙌😇🤣🇬🇧💎🔥💭🌧️🌸🌼🌧️🌼🌸🐈🐈🐈🐈👍💎👍💎👍💎
I feel as if my ex partners picked up the negativity that I already had for myself. Yet they made the choice to put more pressure on me as was necessary. They could have taken a step back and said „Hey this person is pretty hard on herself. I may try to be a little neutral or supportive instead.“ I‘m pretty sure that too much inner and outer pressure triggers a splitting mechanism that is hard to understand for some people who have an issue with it as well and couldn’t identify and reflect on it yet..... I like that you reflected on the issue that sometimes people stick to watching validation videos. It does feel comfortable because the scary part of getting to know oneself is still ahead. It is scary and it is okay to say „No“ to this journey and to come back once one feels ready. It’s always fine to just dip ones feet into unknown waters.
I told mine all of my fears and self doubt in the love bombing phase because I felt truly loved, understood, and confident in him. In him. In him. In him. I don’t know where I was. Now I feel like I was the narcissist in the relationship even though I know it was him. It’s been one week of no contact. My choice. And I can’t stop thinking about him even though he had started the devaluation and discard. It was horrible. Like lost in the Twilight Zone. I even kept saying to him, Is this real? How can this be real? I don’t know who you are anymore. It’s as if there was someone else wearing his skin. Someone I didn’t know. I am deeply empathetic, so I can’t be a narcissist, right? Do they know who they are? I told him from the beginning that I could not withstand a heartbreak of any sort because I had already been through four years of hell from serious medical conditions to the loss of my beloved. He knew. He trampled on my heart anyway. I think that they must be possessed by something. Normal humans don’t do things like this. It’s wicked. Sorry. I know I just wrote a short novel. I think I need real therapy.
Hope you are feeling better every day! Thank you for being here.
" once this person loved me but now they treat me like something they stepped on..." Wow- true!
Michelle I’ve thanked you a million times before for the content you produce, but with all my heart, THANK YOU so much for this video. Yes this video resonates with me 110%. (So you say that there are only 7 stages to trauma bonding...I think I’m on 8 or 9. I’m continually babysitting my Narcs 7 month old daughter (I feel in love) who she had with a guy she cheated on me with. How mentally F’ed up can one get? I know it’s toxic, I do. So much damage. More than I can repair. I don’t want her back though. I feel bad for her knowing she became this way from her parents and sexual abuse as a child. I too had bad things happen to me, but I moved towards the light, not the dark. I honestly can say this is a battle between a Heyoka and a Narcissist. Wish me luck.) Keep up the good work Michelle! Your saving lives and people’s mental health! I love you!(Agape)
This is one for the books: 'What is it in you (narc), that hurts so much that you need to hurt me?'???
Fundamental projection there. Their intense ongoing anguish turns them into control freaks.
You are absolutely correct in this regarding the stages of trauma bonding. You are also absolutely correct about how it is important to move ahead in learning how to heal, rather than continuously obsessing over the sins of the narcissist. It is important to learn about what has happened, but there comes the time when we need to move our focus off of the narcissist and onto what we ourselves can do to overcome what we have been through.
This is one of the things that I love about your approach, Michele. I see a lot of videos and online support groups that seem to be primarily focused on the abuse, but not really interested in healing and overcoming. It really keeps people stuck. Thank you for being someone who takes a proactive approach in educating and coaching those who are searching for answers. You offer resources that show people that there really is hope for life getting better. We are not responsible for the abuse we have suffered at the hands of others, but we do have choices. It is our responsibility to act on what we have learned so that we can, as you often say, move forward.
You continue to inspire me!
I made to stop and walked away at stage 6. Not easy but a lot relief and now I feel at peace. I am never going back to that man.
Thank you
Thank you very much! This video describes accurately what I have been going through with my husband. I didn't know it had a name or a specific process. I just can't anymore. I am dying inside.
Thanks a lot for this present of awakening.❤🙏
Thank you Michelle ,great video CBT I believe at its best🙏
Thanks, Michelle - so sad and so descriptive Recognizing these things can be the first step toward healing
This video is spot on. I am watching video after video. I can’t detach! I also struggle with BPD. Making it harder for me. I’ve been doing counseling, but I feel it’s not helping. I know what I need to do, I don’t know how to do it!
Michele, I'm really grateful you focus on C-PTSD nowadays. Your videos are very helpful and are part of my healing routine.
To anyone reading my comment: don't give up. It's a long and painful journey but at some point you will start seeing the progress. I already have moments of pure peace and joy, and it is hard to describe how wonderful it is to have hope again instead of living in denial.
Best explanation I have heard in years , Thankyou
Wow .... I felt so validated watching this......thank you!
It was so touching, I felt that initial hurt and trauma but it left me surpringly positive. Somewhat surreal, like watching myself but now i give myself a huge and the love I needed.
I'm happy and grateful, still recovering as it's only been 15months. Thank God its behind me but definitely a life lesson. Huge Huge eyeopener.
I didn't loose myself! I'm still here, stronger and smarter everyday.
Thank you for the video xo very healing.
Damn, Michelle. What a great video! You should be on TV!
Such a great summary of the stages. It's fascinating how your brain can become addicted to such poison.
Thank you for this! I am in therapy as well as watching videos and talking with family about what I went through.
I needed this. Especially the part about videos. I can say I’m officially ready. Thank you 🙏🏼
So much truth. I have lived every word of this.
I feel so sad, this really happened to me but I was doing the abusive behavior, I had no idea I was doing it. I'm a monster, no excuse for my actions, I take responsibility for what I did, I ask her forgiveness. I had no idea that I was doing it. This video opened my eyes and my soul to be a better man. I will seek counseling I need help.
Great job at fitting years of subtle abuse signs into 16min video, you have a very nice voice and great relatable context !
The narcissist trains you to seek validation from them by making you not trust yourself. The key to releasing the trauma bond is to start trusting yourself again. Validate yourself, trust your own intuition.
Yes and then anytime you take thier bait by believing them, they tear you down for it. In their minds are the idiots and fools for trusting and believing them. Its humiliating afterwards.
@Narc Survivor
I am confused because i feel like i do trust myself. But for me, he is like a drug that i crave. I love him even though i know what he is and what he is doing. Drug addicts know that the drug is bad for their health but the addiction is so strong that they cannot leave it alone. I am addicted to him.
@ Narc Survivor
I wish i could make him addicted to me but recently, he seems to almost completely have lost interest. I think he keeps the communication because of a future possibility that i can do something for him. but, he uses social apps recently and has discovered a way of meeting many beautiful women so he does not consider me important because he thinks he can easily replace me. I wish there was a way to make him as addicted to me.
@ Narc Survivor
Another problem that i realized is that any texts or attention i receive from others does not make me feel happy or excited. Only when the narcissist texts me do i feel happy.. unless his text is cruel. So all other communication seems.. rote.. just going through the motions. I hate that feeling.
@@rturtle5795 That's the thing with having trauma bond/stockholm syndrome to the narcissist. You are confused and doubt your own judgement, you know the part of you that says "this is not healthy and you need to leave"? Yet you don't act on that inner voice. Why? Because you do not trust yourself completly, even though you might want to think so. Seeing your replies on this comment makes it very clear that you are still being gaslighted, controlled, manipulated by the narcissist. You need to brake free from that person completly and start focusing on why on earth you would allow anyone treat you in a way you know is cruel and unacceptable. Only then can you get clearity and start healing.