How to STOP Being Scapegoat in Relationships| Michele Lee Nieves
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 เม.ย. 2020
- #lifecoach #relationships #codependency #micheleleenieves
www.micheleleenieves.com
Narcissistic Family Dynamics are difficult to understand - each member is assigned a role, regardless of whether you wanted that role or not. This video focuses on the scapegoat - if a victim of narcissistic abuse is thrown into the scapegoat role as a child - if they do not heal, if they do not break the cycle, they run the risk of being the scapegoat in EVERY relationship whether it's a significant other, friend, co worker, family member, etc. THIS video will help you to know what you need to do to STOP being the scapegoat.
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I was raised to be seen and not heard. So I was not allowed to be angry or be assertive with how I felt to defend myself. Programming to be a doormat. Trying to unlearn this. Not easy.
Ditto, Kathy! So challenging but possible. If you thing about how many years it took to form the mindset, easy to understand the difficulty. We are fortunate in our lifetime to have so any resources to help us get past it. We can do this
@@smt456789 same for me too...and I agree, definitely not easy to unlearn...
Kathy Haga same here 😞. I am not taking responsibility for these toxic people who took advantage of me anymore . They can tape their pointing fingers up their arses .
Get a punching bag, practice your drawing skills on a white sheet of paper, build courage to move on to drawing face of the person you have in mind on the punching bag, draw face on punching bag, make a fist, connect fist with punching bag at high speeds mixed with a great amount of force, repeat until arm gets tired, move to couch, pick up phone, order a pizza, receive the pizza, eat the pizza, avoid scale, go to sleep, wake up, repeat, and have a good day.
And then you became a narcisst who has no boundaries?
I am the scapegoat in my family. Always bullied, always two against one. Cannot do anything right, trying to process my feelings with my channel
I was called the runt of the family (I'm deaf) and thus made the scapegoat. My brother bought me a birthday card that said "you've given this family what it's needed" and on the inside it said "a scapegoat".
The only way to rid of it is to cut out the people that put you there.
No respect = no relationship
Omg man this card story really stands out
It's true, if there's no respect for eachother in a relationship it will never be a healthy and peaceful one. Unfortunately we can't choose our family, but we can as you said choose to which extent we interact with them when we are adults.
that is really vile and evil. he must've found it on the "narc edition bday cards". it's so weird to me how siblings can be so unempathic to their own siblings. they really have no empathy that'd put some boundaries on how far they go. how empty they must be when they see cute animals, only want to control and overpower everything. it's because you have empathy and good personality traits when you become the scapegoat. if they'd treat your brother bad and try to rail you up against him, you'd more likely stand up for him and not go along with the scapegoating, unlike your feable whim marionaette brother. so that shows how different in a good way the scapegoat is from the dysfunctional "family".
@@user-zv9no2my6j I appreciate your reply but please be assured that I have resolved the issue and am not affected anymore - other than the memory. Be safe.
Good grief, was your brother perhaps jealous of you...?
I ve missed so much in my life because of my toxic mother.
me too! it is horrible!
Me too
Don’t even give evil people that much power over you! They did what they did NOW take your power back! HEAL, Empower yourself, love yourself, & ENJOY your life! Even things you missed out on early in life, go back & do. For example, if you wanted to play sports but you weren’t allowed out for no reason but to hurt you, become apart of a recreational team, if you wanted toys that they would never purchase you as a child bc they knew you wanted it so badly, go back and get it now. I grew up with people that were evil to me at times but I took my power back! I stand up for myself with boldness & confidence, I work on my own healing DAILY, & I teach my children what I know! Hope this helps 💖❤️🙏🙏🙏
Me too it's painful to life with mother with no empathy selfish only think that she is the only one who is right when ever talked to her it's insane conversation with her it's always her way or no way at all
@@somasheber9043 Same thing with mine. :(
Wow! Im 31 years old and to this day I feel selfish for EVER thinking of doing something for myself. I’m one of three children and the only girl. Any time I was relaxing or having time for myself my mom would come and tell me I’m being selfish that I need to help around the house while my brothers weren’t doing anything at all. I always thought it was a Mexican thing how the woman is the one in charge of the chores (part of me still thinks that) there’s a lot of things I can think back on but this one always sticks out. And I’d tell how that’s unfair and she’d tell me I’m selfish for not wanting to help her around the house.
I was punished for things my siblings said and did and accused of lying and denying for questioning what I did or for getting angry. My hard work was sabotaged or credit given to others. 50 years of toxic, abusive family and in-laws scapegoating me and then my kids. Your videos have given me the info, confirmation and validation to stand up for myself and not feel guilt and shame that aren't mine. I no longer walk on eggshells. I have very few people left in my life and I don't miss the ones I've cut out.🙏
I'm no ones doormat might of been raised to be a scapegoat but I'm taking my power back . Yes I was abandoned alot as a child it was hell going through that even got punished even if I did nothing wrong . No child should had to go through what I've experienced . Michele yes I've experienced all of that .
Wow. I'm in my mid 40s and still sorting through the family issues from my childhood.
Exactly.. I was Sgoat as child and in married life. You may never stand up for yourself.... Then they say you are always fighting
Or out of control 4 decompressing
I find it very immature that as an adult my sister is still being competitive.
Exactly
@@vibrantlotus8154 me too. Im 36. Same life.
I'm just now figuring everything is a competition for these people when I was never competing.
I was too nice. Family and friends have used me because they know I usually put others before me. No more. I've learned to be a lil more selfish and focus on making myself happy. Now I come first. I'm going lone wolf Michele, because I will never find a woman as genuine as you. I've learned how to read people a bit more and I know you're a beautiful person inside and out. Love, Raz @}~~~}~~
@@bobbiwilliam6811 thank you, but it will not be needed.
im usually to blame for someones unhappiness but their ora is what drives me off more. im never allowed to feel anything negative or its deemed problematic only sunshines and rainbows nothing else. Most of the time they contradict their own statement by saying im making myself unhappy with my negative behavior just like theyre responsible for making themselves unhappy with their negative behavior they usually want someone or something to blame for their unhappiness. they never like to see themselves in the wrong and i mean EVER and i have to feel guilty for their shitty abusive behavior. and im the scapegoat as a result they only ever said sorry to me twice, TWICE he wonders why he gets treated like shit well he treats me like shit but doesn't really aknowledge it cause he calls his abuse "parenting"
@@TiffanyRay sounds about right. My brother will admit he's not perfect just like anyone else, but in the moment, he's never wrong when we argue. There has been a few times, when I corner him by showing him his contradictory. Never sorry or even if he say he's sorry, he never means it. But you're right. They are unhappy themselves and do blame it or take it on somebody else. Thanks for sharing your knowledge. I must go back to sleep. It is 4:13am here in California. Thanks
I gave all the time...now all I do is spend money on myself at all times ✌️
My narc mother didn't want me to be anything but happy. I wasn't allowed any other emotions. Consequently I was so angry so much of the time. No contact for 8 years. Re-programming myself since 54 years old! Yay!
I just realized, I only feel shame and guilt to even think of putting me first.. It would be like turning the black wall back to white ..
I would also feel guilt whenever I speak up for myself
You have been describing my life. Assertiveness meant all kinds of bad consequences so I was programmed to associate being myself with abandonment, pain and rejection. Not a nice place to find yourself - alone in this world and so it finally happened, I actually was left alone as my family and former friends got triangulated by a narcisist and I knew I could not sell my soul another time so I stayed firm my own ground and guess what happened? I got my power and my freedom back! I feel like a Nazi concentration camp surviver but it was worth all the blood and sweat along the way. The Truth will really set you free! Thank God and good people like you for that amazing feeling!
They cannot have my light either. Peace 🕊️
Thank you. Exactly what i went to and still go through. They should teach this in school.
I feel like I walk on egg shells all the time.i even have to talk a certain way or I have heel to pay
I walked on eggshells all my life with my family. Dumped blocked and deleted March 2013. Happy joyous and free and in healthy recovery from toxic relationships
I'm the scapegoat in my family. My dad even said to me to not show other emotions just be smiling at all times. I got punished for expressing anger or anything perceived as a negative emotion. Never allowed to speak my mind and express myself authentically. Now I'm an adult and my parents are softer on me now because I can stand up for myself and narcissists are cowards that get scared of others easily. But they still do dish out a lot of criticisms and negative judgements from time to time. And they are more subtle in their devaluations now because they know they can't get away with being too overt anymore.
Me
Scapegoat here
Do you also eat shit of others due to lack of boundaries?
All scapegoats present here? Yep all here.
@@starseeds8121yep
I have an emotional flashback while eating food brought by my brother because he keeps on saying he owns me if I eat that food. And he made sure to traumatize. I'm stuck here with them and the moment I feel hungry or touch food, I'm reminded of this nightmare that has turned spiritually abusive and deeply painful and shattering emotions. disgusting. It all comes back. But I'm regaining my control over myself. I need to protect my energy from these devil's, mom.
try to become financially independant and leave them for good. Remember abuse always escalates it is like a drug to those monsters - they need a bigger dosis each time to get the same kick. I send you a lot of positivity :) Everythig will be good for you!
Michelle, you speak with a lot of insight about this topic. I hope you learned about this thru study and research, and not the hellish experience of living thru it. We both know you have been through enough. Thank you for being a mouthpiece, a teacher, and a coach! Stay happy! Stay healthy! Stay safe!
Unbelievable, like you are giving a voice to my misery.
Your words... Wow. Ty. Yup I have been the scapegoat. Still am. Just figured out my wife is a covert narcissist. My youth was all that. Nail on the head. Im learning. Have to be smart.
I have alot of emotional flashbacks
Family scapegoat here too! Disowned by both parents, once at 32 by overt alcoholic narc father, (passed now. I was stupid enough to care for him until his death!!) and now at 45 with covert narc enabling mother. Not caring for her and I am going to contest the will this time xx
I've also figured out Im empathic
My biological mother has made me the scapegoat since I was born. All the while she's had more than three affairs (that I know of) and her affairs started before I was even born. She conceals her lies and brainwashing of my other siblings with fake christianity, and they are all now part of a cult "church".
Michelle thanks so much for your caring videos. You're helping a lot of people, including me.
This helps me understanding my bagagge from childhood...and how it causes me to be unhealthy in interpersonal relationsship. Thanks M.
That sounds totally like me... And you start waking up, I think, when even like that people don t love you, or see the fake in it... I didn t see it before... Yet that image made me so tired in unhuman with myself... I ended up with chronic tiredness... Nevertheless my people pleaser... When you don t show boundaries... You are openning doors to abuse... I learnt it the hardest way... Probably as many of us here
Great job on scapegoat’s Biblical origins. I was thinking in this only today regarding my dear wife after a rough weekend.
The last couple years I have been trying to stand up for myself more and I have less of a filter when I know I am being treated unfairly and unequally to others. It’s has been met with a fight though it’s like world war 1 especially when it comes to family. It’s sad because I now realize that it has been my family my whole life that has been teaching others how to treat me so poorly. Scapegoat, thank you for teaching that word and what it means. I now have a voice for my misery and I’ve always felt labeled but now I have a name for it! When I’ve ever stood up for myself everyone’s just claimed that I am crazy! Like it’s crazy to want to be treated equally and with respect! My favorite is oh you’re just paranoid! I am on my way to recovery from living this way of life!
distain, that is my wife's weapon of choice when speaking to our children or to me. some say it is contempt. I feel contempt is to kind. It's anger, distain and hate!
My family always had a problem whenever I did what was best for myself or when I was assertive. I was being selfish, I was an embarrassment, they acted like I was a huge disappointment. This went on for years. Finally I stopped caring. I realized it was THEIR problem, not mine. Once I realized that I felt free. It was OK to do what's in my best interest, if anyone has issues with it then that's too bad they'll get over it. Great job, these videos have helped me tremendously.
" Normal people get angry, unreasonable and selfish at times, but the toxic person is so in need of their perfect, false image to be perfect, they deny themselves the " reality of being imperfect." Thanks Michele for that description of how narc families "select" family scapegoats. Many grievously wounded family members live out their entire lives within the scapegoat role, while remaining completely unaware of why they've been receiving such ongoing, malign treatment.
I became the scapegoat at 8 yrs old because I woke up in the night and caught my dad beating up my mom. He's hated me ever since because I saw the real him. I'm 64yrs old now and all I feel for the reptile is disgust and disdain. He has psychologically abused 3 generations of children and picked a scapegoat from each generation. He destroyed his own legacy because my younger brother and I refuse to have children and our older brother had 2 daughters that were raised by a step father who showed them a healthy home. Our family name ends with me!
This video was exactly what I needed. Thank you so much for making this. I am so confused and angry about my parents making me a scape goat, but this video helped me become more aware
Wow. Perfect. Lived the scapegoat role as a child. Re-lived it as a husband after being married to a covert passive aggressive narcissist. Now my children were gaslit. Thank you for your video.
You just described the relationship I have been in and out of for the last 3 years. I’m so damn confused.
Thanks Michelle for all your videos, I appreciate your hard work, your videos have helped me through so much, I'm forever grateful ❤️
Wow. Totally spot on! My life exactly. Chopped in pieces.
A malignant narcissist could convince a psychologist that they are not a psychologist.
Sins of the family falls on the shoulders of the scapegoat until we finally break and we have to walk away.
As I told my grandmother I want the money up before I come down and she understood. My Aunt figured that her oldest daughter chased after a man with 200 dollars in her pocket and 12hrs away from home that I could do the same thing. I figured bills first then go untill I said the truth on my part. My Aunt hated me even more that I stood up for myself and said enough period.
Very informative video, thanks Michele.
Spot on! You explained this perfekt! Thank you!
Very excellent, Michele! Thank you!
Thanks for sharing as always so helpful
Great video, Michele. Thank you.
Michelle you are awesome and gets to the point 100%
Yes. To this. Done with that.
Your videos have been so helpful to me as of late. Thank you, Michelle.
thank you Michele!
Thanks for sharing the ORIGIN of the term.
thank you Michelle...love you and God bless ❤ 👍
You’re very well spoken and clear. This was the easiest video to understand on the topic. Thank you!
My mother made me walk 2 blocks to come and send my child to her in pain and I'm here bleeding. Firs thing she says when she meets me "Handle your own problems . Get your own maid to help you. I am getting late to go to the temple". I was shattered
That was the final straw. I was done.
a very precise description of emotional flashbacks!
One of most informative videos on this topic.
Thank you!
Thank you, this is exactly what happend to me . I’m thankfull for evreything you teach me 🙏🏻
Stepping out of this cycle and back into my power and sovereignty 🐯♥️
I'm only 6 mins in and she has described me vs my narc father my entire 30 years on this earth
Such an excellent video thank you😊
This is soo true!
My entire life. Thank you
I could never move ahead in jobs or other areas and wonder if this upbringing had anything to do with it. I worked so hard. Sad I didn’t have a father & had so much trauma being scapegoated. She married three times and the third husband went along with it he was the enabler but also very abusive.
Me too. I would be awesome in the workplace and then self-sabotage b/c something was wrong with me. Yes, something was wrong--I had deep core beliefs imposed on me, plus being disparaged by my family any chance they got.
The wall analogy was my life for 3 years. Still recovering
That's such a good understanding about a child just enjoying playing. I loved my dolls and I loved reading. Then out of the blue I was yelled at and threatened for reading quietly in a corner. "You are reading again urrrh$(#&%# !!!" I would go into shock. I couldn't understand this behaviour for decades. Doesn't every parent want good, quiet children who enjoy what they do? You just validated those times. Thank you sweetie.
This help me! I understand my childhood Thank you!!
Healing is a lot of hard work and anyone in that path is admirable. And I just want to add that doing research on persuasion can help to become more assertive. Our manipulators used our human nature to exploit us but persuasion can be use for good and to express ourselves because we can show respect to others at the same time.
Yes, I can attest to that truth... the scapegoat is more honest and strong and rare and scapegoated
I love you Michele ❤
I will never understand how these people get other people to believe their lies and gang up against me. Toxic family here.
In addition to your impeccable explanation of the role of the scapegoat in the FOO, I really appreciate your elaborating on the undesired consequence of also incurring the disrespect of so-called “good,” healthy, wholesome people as a result of the unconscious patterns that we developed in our formative years. I almost hate it more when a “nice” person shows me disrespect. I had an acquaintance who was anything BUT a toxic narcissist. At first, we were equals, but then I started noticing a subtle shift in how I was being perceived by her. I now realize that I positioned MYSELF in a subservient role to her, an all-too-familiar role that was hewn in early childhood. Had I known then what I’ve learned from your videos Michele, I might have been able to turn it around and salvage the friendship. Thank you for your videos and your clarity on the subject.
Breakthrough Moment put two black sheep together and neither will say their intentions or what they need . Because they feel it’s not right. They end up losing friendship. If someone is disrespectful call them on it. If person is acting crazy (having flashbacks) ect it’s crazy to deal with and their own problem you didn’t cause that it’s not your problem. As far as lost friendship sometimes people with cptsd isolate, nothing you could do about it. Not your fault!
It really hurts.
Yes it does - I am right there with you 😊😘🤗
Beat em Back sure does but I'm not taking responsibility for their shit anymore . Dang you're Beautiful Michele thanks for your positive vibes and truth spreading about these narcissistic manipulators. Your channel is truly a blessing 🙏! Been scapegoated since I was a child I am not going to let them walk allover me anymore.
Too bad child protective services didn't exist when I was a kid.
They wouldn't have done much for you. They're worse than Toxic Parents.
@@hs-wi9nw Government positions of authority more often than not attract people who are high on the narcissism scale.
God please help me as a scapegoat child i need prayers and i pray for all scapegoat children
This is a prayer from the depths of my heart. I humbly ask for guidance and support to remove the heavy burden of expectations that others place upon me, both in my personal and professional life. Grant me the strength to let go of the need to meet everyone's demands and instead focus on what truly matters.
Help me to cultivate emotional regulation and calm within my nervous system. Grant me the capacity to navigate through life's challenges with grace and resilience. Teach me to pause, breathe, and respond rather than react impulsively in moments of difficulty. Help me to find balance and peace within myself, even amidst chaos and uncertainty.
Grant me the courage and wisdom to forgive those who have caused me pain or disappointment. Help me to release any grudges or resentments that hold me back from experiencing true freedom. It is my desire to let go of past grievances and move forward with an open heart, ready to embrace new opportunities and possibilities.
Above all, I yearn to break free from co-dependency, reliance, and the need for validation from my family, my friends, and every person I encounter. Grant me the strength to stand on my own two feet, to grow and thrive independently. Amen.
Thank you
You’re a genius
I often feel like I've had to divest myself of any character or personality that would get in the way of my compatibility with my parents or even with other people in general.
My family started with this when I was 23. I just lost everything. I am 43 now. I can not have any children anymore.
Thank u ❤️
already subscribed i'm 1 of your fans thanks a lot and yessssssssssssssss we need it badly please read my previous comment this flashback and this toxic one is my daughter !
Thanks, waiting for how to heal emotional flashbacks. I hope I'll be able to start a channel and explain these issues in my native language. I have come to realize narcissism and codependancy are actually a plaque in my country. Thanks
Looking back at some past works of MLN and learning some aspects I didn't necessarily experience but learning what others have...I'm still astonished that the path of not challenging of gaslighting can sometimes start with parents. If that's not child abuse idk what is.
It’s incredible what they can accomplish with sheer denial.
Yes I'm the scapegoat tired of being scapegoated & blamed for everyones problems .
Thanks
Painful. But great info
Bingo! Thank you.. Just found you and your so helpful... Love the bible example..
I know that if I make my adult kids the least bit angry they wont talk to me for a long time... how do we deal with that pain.. then they triangulate with others.. then i am the scapegoat
Imagine having a mother like a doormat narcissist. So if you're not doormat enough, you're literally demonized. However, they never stop falling victim for narcissist/goldenchild and they want you to be a doormat for them to feel validated.
Facts!
And unfortunately I'm stuck at this point re virus etc
thanks a lot you described my emotions but it really hurts a lot ! imagine your own daughter is this same toxic you're talking about treating you the same way you mentioned ?!! deciding to live alone and make you feel like you are a bad cruel mom ! and only when she needs something from you she treats you very good 180 and its like a rolling coaster what can you do to your memories when she was a baby born ?? would you leave her ? delete her ?? she's old enough 20 years old ! flashbacks with your daughter !!!!
I’m still a scapegoat
We have the right to be imperfect. We have the right to be wrong without being shamed or abandoned. We have the right to express our feelings without being shamed or abandoned. Others can correct us in a way that is healthy and that recognizes that our imperfection is OK. Just as we can correct them. *The absence of having a scapegoat means that all people take actual responsibility for their actual errors without any shame being conveyed in either direction for that admittance.* Being in error is NORMAL. Making it seem that one person is always the one who is in error or that anyone who has erred is a problem IS the problem
Scapegoat here too
My mom often pawned my things- my distant father gave me a floppy disk computer when I was 6-7 and even taught me to reboot it myself. I could read quite well so played a game called California Goldrush on occasion (despite how boring it was.) My great-grandma also gave me a Poloroid camera when I was 5. They disappeared so quickly.
When I would ask about them “I put them up,” was the response I got. Funny- the house was a literal dumpster- nothing was ever put away. And “up” to me just meant I couldn’t reach it. I really believed I’d see them again.
I feel like I would have been so much more successful in life and school had I been allowed even just the resources I was given.
Story …of my life
My mam and dad both narssict and I was married to one and my dad used to beat me when I was little if I raised my voice or disagreed about any thing always make fun of my opinions or tell me iam stupid or make fun of my books and library give me a hate stare if iam drawing I have always thought he hates me and my mam blames me all the time and always takes his side they don't treat my siblings the same only me because iam the one how was talkative they like avoiding them all the time when i married my husband was more abusive than my parents he used to beat me too iam not weak or stupid but I just don't want to be beaten when iam just angry or raising my voice on any silly thing like normal things and when iam ill or tired iam easily bissed off and they make me worst by telling me iam crazy unimperable and nobody will ever love me as long as the way iam even though my sister is angry all the time and talking in a bad manner but they seem to be afraid from her they only treat me like that and iam the only polite kid they have iam 26 now and I wish to die everyday since I was 12 I don't know what to do but iam really scared that iam going to kill myself one day please tell me how to leave this family because I have tried to get married to escape them and of course now they blaming me for that too iam a doctor and I have a job and I just want to leave iam from Egypt so females are not allowed to leave until they are married being divorced is making me full of faults to the society I want to break the cycle and get my masters but they are always attacking me they are really bad like you are living with evil people who want you to kill yourself
Pray alot and ask God for help. Ask forgiveness no body else can help you in that situation and you should ask divorce to your husband who beats you. I know came from east Africa and it's normal to beat the women.
I wish I could understand yoir culture better, but I am African American so please forgive me if my suggestiona are not good. Have you considered getting a therapist? That might help you work thriugh your emotions. Also, why not just go back to shcool to get your masters degree or phd. You will be able to surround yourself with pike minded people and hopefully find someone who is healthy and worthy of your love. Have you ever considered moving on your own?.. whatever you do don't give up, continue to pray and work on healing yourself. Try not to stress I'll keep you in my prayers.
@@Princess0ftheLight thank you iam praying everyday and I will to continue my masters ididnt because my husband was keeping me down all time for him I left him thank God and iam afraid to see a therapist but I think I would because my memory full of flashbacks from my marriage thank you again
Divorce him anyway- what is more important for you society opionion or your life. They do not care about you why should you care. You have a job and money - - find small apartment and be single. You can live in women shelter also. If you stay with husband you are killing yourself. Everything will be all right. You are not unemployed you have a chance. When you start to love and appriciate yourself you will find a good men if you want. Stay no contact or very low only phone contact with your family. Do not tell tehm your new address. I send you my strenght and pray for you. You deserve to be happy :) It is better now when you do not have children.
soma Ali please stay strong. Don’t kill or hurt yourself. Get out, no matter how scary it is, and live life on the other side. I’m learning how to do it too. Hardest part is letting go bc it’s familiar, but what will come is so much better than what was let go!
period