The moral of the story, do not be around people that make you feel uncomfortable. Especially those that make you feel as if you are walking on eggshells in their presence.
I just left a job I absolutely love because the owner of the restaurant is a malignant narcissist. I found out on my last day that she had been going around telling my coworkers and customers that I’m fake and that my happiness is an act! The funny thing....she is really just talking about herself. It hurt me because I am sensitive and kind and a people person naturally but I was able to let it go rather quickly. I saw this woman for who she was and she couldn’t stand it. I have no job now and no prospects but I don’t care. I am free and that is priceless. 🙏🏻🙏🏻💕💕💕
That is really sad that people cannot even handle being around genuinely happy people. It is like people thrive off of negativity or want you to have low self esteem. Then if you walk around with a mean look on your face people will have something to say. You cannot win for losing keep being you and dont change. True people will appreciate your inner beauty and approachable demeanor.
That says something about that person. Not about you. Be happy you left. Nothing else matters. If your manager doesn't know how to not gossip she shouldn't be in a managers position. Even if you are fake. Who cares? It's about how you do your job. If your colleagues couldn't stand up for you or didn't stand up for you, which means they also stand up for a healthy work culture, they are not worth your attention. I got fired two years ago from in hindsight the worst team and the worst manipulative manager. I really felt bad at work all the time but I needed money ofc... it really sucked because I was trying so hard to succeed. It was a culture with a lot of women(sorry) and one guy as a manager. The culture was just completely messed up and everybody stabbed each other in the back about bs to survive. When I left the manager was looking at my LinkedIn page every week on the same day of the week just to f with me. I wrote about my experiences and the toxic culture inside the team and sent it to a colleague of his. I saw him in the city once after and he was looking really angry at me.I said hello and moved on haha. I am soooo glad I don't work there anymore and have a job where the manager is very respectful towards the employees. And everyone who still works there is still complaining on whatsapp or manipulating.
That happened to me in nursing on my first job returning to my home state, and I desperately needed the work. As a single mom then, leaving was the last thing I could afford, and I had no one to turn to. Nursing itself is full of bullies; I pushed through though, rescued myself, and today my son and I work as a team and earn in a day what used to take a month. Staying true to self paid off.
@@laurielbrooks6079 Had to grow up in a family like this. Not everyone, but certain individuals tended to say hurtful things when I was happy and expressing my joy.
Observe don’t absorb is a great technique. It’s the same as being emotionally detached. A lot of people in the comments are referring to it as a “trick.” It’s not a trick or a ploy, it’s a practice one can generally use in life. It simply means you don’t allow yourself to get pulled into someone else’s toxicity.
This is very difficult because the intent is obvious and playing dumb has a way of feeling fake for me. Unfortunately, this occurs often and practice opportunities come often.
Wear sunglasses or respond while you walk away from them, it does not give them the supply/energy they want to steal from you. I’ve learned this unplanned. I see them squirm or laugh nervously, because they missed their target. If they can’t have eye contact with you, they can’t shoot.
Bmore Mom Nice! So, basically, when you buy sun-glasses you also buy narc-glasses? Now I understand why my former narc boss did not liked that I weared sunglasses. Apparently, she considered them to be offending. I told her that I need them because I have sensibility to light (which is true), but still, she barelly accepted it and only after several other people confirmed it. Should I mention that she was also behaving like we were rivals of some sort? Yup, she did so from the very beginning, despite the fact that she was the one who hired me. And maybe she needed to see my eyes in order to read my thoughts and plan her next reply...
@@eeaotly Thanks for sharing confirmation! Yes, they must see your eyes (the window to your soul) to extract the supply of praise/worship or release their insidious abuse, so they want to see your fear, pain, anger, etc... Yeah narc-shield-glasses!
The toxic people I know do all of the above, and I've just learned to ignore them--they don't exist in my view. And in the corner of my eyes I can see them cross their arms, roll their eyes, and storm off. It enrages them to get no response from me, to be ignored, and to not be the center of attention. But oh well, that's exactly what they're doing to me, and I'm just dishing it back.
Decades ago I learned that everyone is responsible for their own feelings. Such freedom in walking in this truth. Also, no one is responsible for reading someone else's mind. Communicate your mind if you want someone else to know what you're wanting,thinking, expecting, feeling. Expect others to communicate their mind & heart if they want to as well.
Like she said, I think it’s carried on by family. They do as their parents do. I would hope they’d realize the hole they’re in and turn it around, but from everything on here, the majority don’t.
She mentioned that kind of stuff doesn't typically work on toxic people. So while it's excellent for maintaining a good r.ship, maybe a relationship gone sour or there's just some weak communication in an otherwise usual relationship.. worse people are much harder to deal with, bc you can't reason with an unreasonable person who might destroy your whole life
I wish I would’ve watched this years ago. Everything you’re saying is absolutely correct and would’ve saved me from years of narcissistic abuse. Observe don’t absorb is literally what rescued me from engaging. I’m free now and divorced. Thank God. It took nearly 20 years. But I’m free.
being with a toxic person makes US into a toxic person. the way other people think WE are the toxic one instead of them & how we have to adjust our behavior around them just to get by--appearing and acting toxic ourselves! 😖🥴
It really is easy to adapt, i mean they say "you're who you hang out with" that sucks, so get rid of them is the best rather than waste time and feel bad by hanging with them.
This is taking someone's behavior and not allowing it to make you toxic as well. By letting toxic manipulation affect us not to act the way they do and instead of reacting to it just absorbing it.
OMG! The ignoring scenario! To the 'T'. At one point in my relationship, I naturally did the 'walk away and find something else to do' when I was intentionally ignored, and I later got asked if I felt ignored because I walked away. Inside I was thinking "you conniving brat!" But I replied "oh, not at all I just found something I wanted to check out. I didn't even notice you weren't around". The confused look was amazing! Sad we have to resort to this pretentious behavior though 😔
You sound like a POS, yourself. If you can actually take that constructive criticism, you'd probably benefit greatly. Fighting fire with fire is going to leave you and the other person both atop of 2 piles of ash, still bitching and blaming EachOther for what was done.
The toxic person does not deserve our positive attitude. These tactics are good to use while making moves and plans to end the relationship. The toxic relationship is not worth your while. Choose an exit date and commit to it. You will have sufficient time to plan and fortify your positive attitude. These people do not exist in reality. If they were a fly you would have swatted them out of your existence already, not turn it into a pet.
On the topic of timing, I remember one strategy from the guitarist and improvised music legend Derek Bailey, when 2 other musicians, Han & Evan, arrived to a recording session 1 hour late, as soon they arrived he packed his guitar up and said to them "see you in an hour, i'm having my lunch"
Also, THANK them for helping you accomplish do a,b or c and they will stop whatever behavior is irritating you. For example, my father in law would come unannounced to our house to annoy me. So, I thanked him for babysitting, so I could finish packing for a weekend trip we were getting ready for. His face of disgust was awesome. I just smiled in delight. He hasn’t come back unannounced 😀!
The “acting like you don’t notice it” is so funny because I do this all the time. And it’s so funny hearing that this actually advised to do hahah. Wow.
My mom was chronically tardy for every planned event. My hubby and I started telling her the start time was 30mins prior to when it actually was. Over time she realized she was on time and actually asked about it. I laughed and said “well, we’ve noticed you always show up 30mins late, so we give you a time 30mins earlier than everyone else.” At first she started to argue that she wasn’t late, and then realized it was futile. She said “well, you don’t have to do that anymore.” She never apologized or admitted fault, but she was never late again. I now realize she was doing this on purpose in order to make her narcissistic grand entrance.
Yes when they are not trying to be punctual or apologetic about lateness. I used to always be late due to cptsd but was close to tears, struggling & very apologetic every time. They train you with a deeply carved neural pathway!!!
My husband is a pastor, zero interpersonal skills, gaslighting me daily and I have FINALLY awakened. Just didn't know how to deal with it. You hit the nail in the head. "Making mistakes" was the lightbulb that I couldn't figure out. Thanks for the tip on how to deal with it. I need to distance and allow him to fail. Yes, when they discovered that we're bothered by their behavior they do it more. And he denies that he's toxic. He's always gaslighting.
Pray Psalm 18 It's a spiritual battle, the religious pretenders tortured and murdered innocent Jesus. He will protect you. I fled everything and it was worth the freedom. These are wolves in sheep's clothing and only want to kill steal and destroy...🙏🔥🕊
She mentioned the kitchen cleaning experiment. But that’s just putting your finger in the dike. And if you’re sticking your finger in every new hole that pops up, it gets exhausting. I think the solution is to let the wall break and run as fast as you can.
I have beat myself up about this. I have to struggle with feeling like somehow my joy for life is not normal because of the people who have a problem with it. I eventually found out that they basically want you to become either as miserable as them, or want you to amount to nothing because that gives them personal satisfaction. Living with someone like this is devastating and limits your huge potential. I am finally taking back my life and challenging anyone who has a problem with me for any reason. I have tried everything to appease these people and when I was at my most vulnerable, all the things they wanted me to be, they used to reject and isolate me. They don't want to help you, they want to hurt and destroy you and they will always have a problem with you and the smartest way to deal with them is not to deal with them. Detach emotionally, do not engage and carry on with your life the way it was meant to live. You deserve to be happy.
They never leave you alone they will be peaceful for a bit than try to dig at you again in the future like a friend I had would randomly bring up my female cousin and start making comments about her to get a rise out of me.
I'm expanding my career & redoing my office. Meeting nicer people & taking no BS. Boundaries are set in stone. If I say something it's short. On social media, I go on ocassionally: joke, tell how happy I'm & expanding my career successfully, without saying any information. I refuse to argrue, because I refuse to feed the beast. Redoing myself, for the better.
This is dangerous ground to thread ... I remember as a kid at social events with my narc parents, they'd say or do something to kill our (my brother and i) enjoyment of the party, but I'd choose not to respond and act happy the rest of the day, play with my cousins, etc ..... Then watch out for when you're back home alone with them, that's when you "get" it, the abuse, the guilt trips they laid on us, then you'd get punished for something you didn't even do, or you did in their imagination only. Same thing happened with an ex narc significant other, he'd try to kill my enjoyment of the party by saying something mean or ignoring me, or some other stupid game. But i didn't let it kill my joy, I kept on talking with people, having fun. Then same scenario as with my parents, once alone he'd lash out at me for no reason, accusing me of things and behaviours I didn't even do or display. So just be careful because it does backfire. Maybe make sure they don't see you having fun. And most important, get out of the relationship, leave, save yourself, you owe it to You. Michelle, great video as usual. I appreciate how articulate you are, your ability to demonstrate these toxic behaviours. Thanks so much.
I agree! What I learned to do as a child was to invent a passion or weakness I didn't actually have, so that the toxic parent would go for that target to hurt me. Then pretend to be hurt by their barb so they're happy, without them having actually affected your true self. It was hard to do because my toxic parent was a psychotherapist, but I did eventually figure out how to play the victim they want to see without being one. Still - much better to get out if you can!
Thanks for your input@@Maren617 . Funny...... I used to do something similar as a kid. Whenever there was something I really liked or was passionate about, I made sure NOT to talk about it, keep it to myself. Maybe that's why today I'm rather secretive about my art projects. I developped the fear, almost superstition, that if I talk about what I wanna do, it won't come to path. Thanks for this dialogue, it helps us uncover, understand, who we are.
@@borealiswan2363 Me too! Also into art, just rediscovering it now that I'm making a recovery, and I have also always had lots of trouble talking about the things I truly love, trying to protect them. But I'm actually going to change that now, share my art openly with friends on social media, get lots of feedback from normal people, and will just use Michelle's techniques to reply to any abusive comments and won't let them bother me. I'm a free adult now and no longer have to hide who I am.
@@borealiswan2363 OMG yes my person have 3 bio sisters and step mother that I feel secretly stalking me and they always want to know what I'm up to and asking around the sly way.... I was an open book because I wanted to help my X-human and his sisters go through their family traumas so I reveal and shared too much details of what i'm up to, what helped me through my tough times how I heal traumas and reveal certain techniques of Mind Control that back fired against my better judgement... I thought they wanted to start on shadow work which is why I gave them my instructors contacts ... my instructor told warned me that a few people with their energies came to learn Mind Control techniques with shady intentions and they were hiding their true identities and were evasive in demeanor. I long stop contact and learn other things without their knowledge. Those group of humans delve in some shady Javanese Black magic and and information they acquired from me ended up stabbing me in the back... took away the one I loved and cared the most (my lovely friends..street cats) one by one and finally broke my emotional/ psychological defenses and my health collapsed along with my finances. I sought no one, trust no one, I moved back with my family working on side work and building my portfolio. Those are signs from Universe to do some heavy processing and detoxing. I will cut and block anyone suspicious or toxic from my life even if it will add fuel to their gossip, bad mouthing in order to garner supporters I no longer give any time or meanings to petty behaviours. I hope they grow up spiritually and purify their heavy karmic entanglements~be done, be free, stay safe and stay quiet bout your business for now!
@@leisurelyarting What a sad, terrible story ! Glad your instructor saw through them. Keep growing, I know it's very hard, but be strong. Sounds like you've done a lot of useful work in order to stay safe. Sending good vibes
Thanks for calling it out. It's so hard to admit they are doing these nasty behaviors on purpose, but as I hear you talk, I know it's true. I've gone through 30 years of it with my husband. Always just thinking there is something wrong with him, like he can't think properly. Like his thinking is disorganized. But it's not. It's been calculated to obtain the maximum frustration and exhaustion of me. It's a hard pill to swallow. But, I appreciate this knowledge. Knowledge is the way out. Thank You.
I wish I'd known this years ago! You have shared a massive power source here for fueling self-confidence in the face adversity with a Narc! Thank you so much!!!
today I finally had the strength to dump my narcissist girlfriend. going no contact starts now! I have blocked her and deleted on everything. its time to move on with my life. my mind and soul is still very messed up tho, I'm so mentally drained i feel numb. I really need to heal.. if anyone can help me or give me advise I appreciate it, and I'm glad I can be apart of this community. if anyone could comment it would mean the world to me. I hope everyone has a good day, remember to love yourself
Don't let yourself slump into guilt , for stepping away . GET SLEEP , VIT B1 , AND GOOD MUSIC , I listen to Beautiful compositions , John Williams Hans Zimmer , serve the deserving ,include yourself . . Eat non toxic food , ease up on yourself. Be a giver , to others and don't forget yourself . , ❤❤❤
I usually love the silent treatment for the exact reasons mentioned in this video. But most of all, because silent treatment means SILENCE! Silence like in no fighting, hurling, yelling. Silence like in "I can hear my own thoughts and I xan really focus on them". That type of silence.
Cristiana Nicolae Right... In the beginning when he would do it it literally ate at me and would mess up my days how ever long he decided to do it but now now I welcome it ... It’s a break for me now... Sad that I’m even still with this person but in time I’m sure I will smarten up...
Christiana - YES! Same here - I thought I was weird because everyone always talks about how devastated they are when they get the silent treatment. I was always so glad for the break from the yelling. Especially since he almost never shut up. He acted like he would die if he wasn't running his mouth constantly interrupting me.
I think the hard solution is to have a face to face and resolve it. If they’re unwilling, tell them it’s a deal breaker not to. It’s what adults do. If they don’t, they don’t care about you.
Great insights, always, Michele! There were so many things I did, as a young wife, that I thought were non-negotiable, such as traveling across the country to visit his relatives. When I'd had one bad experience after another during these visits, I came to a huge realization (Eureka!) I didn't have to go!! So I stopped, many years ago, and get a vacation from him when he goes alone. The relatives can think what they like. I don't care. There are so many wrong assumptions that we make, based in our upbringing, that can and must be challenged to come to a peaceful, contented life. Counselors like you, Michele, are so helpful in breaking the chains that have kept us miserable....Thank you!
You are just so so right. All the silent treatment that he does to me is because im focusing on me and how i wanted it to end and how much it makes me so anxious and so confuse and hurtful. Now that i know his game all i need to do is focus on what can i do 'at that moment" to make me happy. Thats the key word. Thanks very much. Its so helpful. And when he smear me and is counting on my old responses to explode, that is exactly what i will not do.
Michele. You are a Genius. If i had got this message 2 years ago, i would have saved my marriage.. However, i thank God i left, now i have an amazing person in my Life.
This is really important emotional survival advice for people who are trapped in a situation that you can't/ don't know how to get out of........such as at work, or if you have kids with that person. How ever......no one who is emotionally healthy, would choose to stay in this kind of relationship. It just isn't worth your time & energy.
I've put a lot of this into use, definitely works, i'm not absorbing their B.S. nor losing control of my own world. They start moody, then unpleasant towards me, then self-pity, then some acting out towards inanimate objects (slamming a door, passive-aggressively put the dishes away), and when they realise they aren't getting what they want, they stomp off in a huff, often for about 5-15 minutes, then come back as if nothing occurred. I suppose that 5-15 minutes is as long as they can last before having to face who they really are, because when they come back they are in total mirror mode.
@@Rahel8811 I know what you mean, but I think as a tool it is incredibly helpful to keep them at bay. I think of it as like body-suits police wear to train their dogs...yes you can still feel the bite through the suit, but were you not wearing it you'd probably have your whole arm ripped off!
I love it Michelle! My x used to do this when we would go on walks together or went places together all the time. I remember right after our honeymoon I was excited to go to the grocery store together and cook a meal together. When we got to the store he literally ran off from me. I couldn't find him and I was so hurt,confused and devastated by this behavior. I just realized this memory was a toxic behavior of him ignoring me on purpose to control my emotions and steal my joy away. It still hurts when I think of it. Your videos and words to use against the toxic Narcassist are so great!!! Thank you!
I appreciate your videos especially this one Michelle cause I get alot of those looks by these types of people after someone smearing my name . We should just smile , wave and act confident around these toxic people . It might be difficult but I need to practice and love myself . Accept that they wanna chose to hate you're right we can't control them .
I once heard the quote "Don't Oil the Squeaky Wheel" and I think it relates to the topic Intentional Mistakes. I fixed the mistakes of the narcissist at work and by doing that they became my responsibility and part of my duties. It took me a long time to figure out that it was a trick.
Wow, you nailed it! I’ll need to listen to this weekly, this is spot on!! More of this please. Thank you!! (Dealing with covert narc parents and very toxic narc sibling, which are way more difficult than my narc spouse, the parent-sibling triangulation & enablement keeps getting me angry & very sad)
A lot of people are not mentally balanced but suffer from unresolved internal issues that they project onto the people around them. Be aware and have your guard up because they will try to take away your joy.
Spouse has always engaged in passive aggressive behaviors, probably learned in their family growing up, but their character is actually not evil. They're capable of kindness, gentleness, compassion, though the passive-aggressiveness comes out when their personal goals and desires are interfered with. Over the years I've learned to disengage as this video suggests--just "do my own thing" and enjoy it, walk away instead of engage when they go "fishing", when I'm tempted to get angry just go into another room and put sound-cancelling headphones on and listen to peaceful sounds or an engaging podcast. I honestly think it helps spouse as much as it helps me, because they back away from those toxic behaviors and engage more productively when I come back to them and pretend nothing happened and I've just been happily doing my thing.
I LOVE THIS VIDEO!!!!💕🌸 I had a situation at work today and I was feeling so sad, aggravated and many more things 😔😣🤬🤯😫😤and I was thinking to face that person tomorrow and tell her so many things and you save my mind, my feelings, my Job and my mental health!!! Thank you I know now how to play their game and win for my own mental health. 🌸💕☺️🙏🏼 Thank you so much!!!
I can also relate to being ig ores in public. With mg family, Its like i have to tag along everywhere obey them and they make sure they keep you ignored and tagged along at the same time. And when I tried to move. They woiod either bully me to stay with then or give fake assurance. Sounds childish but it applies to all situations and gatherings as you gown up with a toxic family. I never had a say in my own choices. Ad now im so confused what they actually are. Coming bacj on track with them...
I am noticing this lose of energy around two people lately. To avoid it on Saturday I felt I had to put a shield around my heart as I realized everything I said was being discounted. I am particularly sensitive to voice tones of people recently. Hearing how people speak to each other often feels hostile or passive aggressive with me. I noticed the person I am closest with when I speak with them my happiness increases and I do not feel I must shield my heart. Thank you for your strategies.
Another method: Don’t take it personal (a different way of saying “observe it, don’t absorb it.”). Their behavior is designed to trigger you and “invite” you to take the bait, but you hold the power to decline the invitation and walk away.
So relived the more i learn the more i can see and really am beginning to see through this fog . Clearly livin the priceless truth that you so simply and eloquently present has helped me immeasurably. From the center of my being I thank you
My younger sister deliberately made me late to our parent's 50th anniversary celebration after I flew in out of state; I was assigned the reading. I missed the service entirely, and she blamed other circumstances, including her daughter sleeping late. I was too far away from the location to call a cab, and I had zero sleep for 24 hours; she had no empathy, and didn't care. So when her daughter's wedding came around, I didn't show up, and neither did I for her son's wedding, who would scoff at me during family get togethers; I didn't even send a gift. Sometimes living in another state away from family of origin is the best thing, ever.
The trouble with me is dissociation... Delay in processing and then thinking it through hours or days or weeks later and realising what they did was actually really rude or something that should instantly be challenged. I hate this
The late realization may be because in the past, this behavior was seen as "normal", or it was something that you couldn't do anything about (in he case of a child). I am now seeing the reality of "back-handed compliments" and passive aggressive remarks about me that a sibling made in public. Because it was a surprise and public, I didn't respond in any way. Now I have learned what I could have done, and will do if it happens again.
I tried politely excusing myself and just protecting my personal space and the person started escalating every possible situation. Trying start problems with me and my family. Creating a huge list of things they were accusing me of and threatening to get me in legal trouble. Doing so many ridiculous things like hiding all the toilet paper. I will just never get involved with a miserable person ever.
Great advise Michele. The outsmarting can last for so long before it drives you nuts. The narcissist is relentless and never give up. The only solution is to run away as fast as you can. You truly do help me in understanding my 22 year marriage to a full blown narcissist now 5.5 years divorced. Thank God for that!! Ciao!!
Watching BONES, season 3, episode 14 and it nails how dangerous manipulative people are when we encounter them! The Wannabe In The Weeds. So many mysteries nailed narcissism in various stages but until YOU, Michelle, I never had the tools to ID what it is and what to do or not do. Thank you 🌸🌺🌸🌺🌸🌺🌸
Tolstoi novels, or meditations by Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius give clues about human nature and wisdom pills to epower ourselves. Khalil Gibran and Mary Oliver are Poets of love, wondering and wilderness. In self care, it helped me a lot. If you prefer series writing techniques, Edgar Allan Poe 's short stories. Milk n' Kisses
The thing u said they will walk ahead of u and need to follow Iam shattered into pieces everytime when my husband does it for me I feel that I dnt deserve to be loved by him but now iam clear I had to move on and be myself
It’s so true that we can’t tell a toxic person what bothers us or they’ll do it more. I told my sister it bother’s me when her husband feels the need to insert himself in our every conversation when it doesn’t always include him. She said she told him to stop doing that and he’s been doing it even more ever since. He monitors our conversations. If she and I are on the phone, he’ll come and interrupt. If we’re sitting in a room talking while I’m visiting her at their place then he will come to that room just so he can know what we’re talking about. If I say something to her then he’ll wait til I walk away to ask her what I said. It’s so weird. He’s been negatively impacting my relationship with my sister and tries to make me seem as if I’m crazy when I call out his behavior. My sisters acts oblivious to it all so I got pretty fed up and now we’re not talking. He’s disrespected me many times and deliberately finds ways to trigger me on purpose. My sister has already admitted he has problems but she still thinks that he and I simply don’t get along as if I’m doing something to him when I’m not. Not anyone in my family gets along with him because of his rude, inconsiderate, and petty ways. Yet my sister is in denial most of the time.
It sucks when your own older sis or sis in law are manipulative individuals and jealous of u... sad. Toxic people just need to go. U choosing to be toxic is not my responsibility. They intentionally like to aggravate and frustrate you, it’s never an accident...This clarity is amazing!
This is great advice when you have no choice, but this gets so complicated. Manipulating the manipulator. Best just to move on & find someone that actually knows what it means to love. People don’t change unless they want to & bring God into it. Unless they’re willing to do that, it’s not worth it. “Bad company corrupts good character”.
My Mother has an extreme case of passive aggressive behavior. It's chronic and VERY, VERY damaging to those close to her.. You will walk away hurt, frustrated and down right angry with just about every encounter.
I give him a mark out of 10 (in my mind) and if he needs it, an Oscar. He gave me the look the other day but because he was about 20 metres a way, he added excessive shoulder slumps and a humph. I’d just watched your last video and breathed then laughed under my neutral facial expression. The funny thing was if he’d asked me about his situation beforehand, he wouldn’t have had the problem. Thanks, Michele!
In toxic relationships you can not be honest and act truthfully and that is why you must cut them off not to be compelled to violate your standards of behaviour and your core values.
Thank you for these really helpful tips. I wish I came across this video years ago. I can put into practice immediately the next time my husband pulls the silent treatment or behaves toxic in public. I appreciate this so much, thanks again!!
I would apply these techniques particularly in respect of the 'look' & the 'moods,' however, this would often escalate the issue. While nothing would happen publicly, my 'non-response' would be construed as my not caring etc which would often produce days long monologues of abuse. So, while it might work in the moment, it was dreadful afterward. How would you deal with the repercussions of these very valid options that our narcissists will obviously very much dislike?
It can be empowering to even just say, in response to their mood, “Bad mood, huh? That sucks.” Follow up with, “I gotta jet to get (xyz - make up an errand or important phone call) done now, but hope you feel better soon or maybe you can talk to me about it later.” This way you still seem sensitive and open to understanding but with appropriate limits of time - that you set - to give them space to cool off first. There’s a great youtuber on professional communications, Dan O’Connor, that does videos on how to deal with “difficult people”. He’s not qualified as a coach or psych or shrink or anything but his tactics and scripts have really helped me even in personal communications with these types of people. His scripting and body language hacks have really helped me when I can’t escape ;o) communication with folks like this.
Wow! Thankyou sooo much I can’t believe how these exact situations have arisen with 2 toxic people in my life and how I handled it so wrong because I was hurt 😞 I thank you for the help and will try these ideas ❤
It is frustrating when they will not pull their weight but then act like you are the one toxic. Or they will not even speak and do something they think will irritate you walking by. Like one person thinks whistling irritates me so specifically they will whistle while only walking by me. Ignoring them doesn't stop them.
What's best working for me is to keep the control of the situation and don't burst. When I keep my cool I feel powerful, this way they don't ruin my mood. Also lately I've had problems with a person who's trying to take advantage of me, he keeps on going into the personal zone and I maintain him in the professional level
"Intentional mistakes"....you are describing the kind of crazy making that happens in a lot of marriages. People invited in to your life can make it a living hell...intentionally.
I love these ideas and have tried them in the past. The only time I find it extremely difficult is when thier behaviour triggers an emotional flashback. Like someone struck a guitar cord. That’s when not giving them the response their wanting is a bit more difficult.
Simply intelligent and beautiful approach in dealing with these otherwise "tangling situations. " Thank you so much dearest Michelle for existing and sharing your wisdom. 💝
i like that she iterates to apply these techniques in a toxic relationship not a healthy one. They are manipulative techniques and using them on someone who doesn’t deserve it to boost your control will make you the toxic one.
Sometimes people slip into these behaviors because they have been too lazy. They probably saw these same manipulative behaviors growing up and may not even realize how ridiculous they're acting. When I changed my expectations and calmly and lovingly refused to participate, things shifted and peace ensued. As long as I argued or let myself feel bad, nothing changed for many years. I finally grew up enough myself to see the way. Don't assume it isn't fixable...but please don't let anyone determine how you feel. And don't be hard on yourself as you figure out the difference. There's probably a good reason you're open to this bad behavior, but there is no reason you can't change that. Life is short. Make it beautiful! Stop being a victim of anything. Become a person who values compassion for both yourself and others. 💞
The ex narc tried to give me the silent treatment for 2 days so I finally got some rest, looked up a new hobby and sang in the shower (I hadn't done that in years) He had a major violent meltdown and started screaming I'm abusive for being so happy not to talk to him for 2 whole days. Ugh
I ll try all the methods you mentioned , not letting them know it bothers you is something I have to put more in to practice ☝️️🎯thank you for your channel! 🎖
I remember for an anniversary we went to a really nice hotel and instead of checking into the room he sat downstairs talking to the manager for 2 hrs ignoring me, did the same thing whenever we went anywhere, wish I had known these things.
Love this! Unfortunately toxic people are all around us. I've had ex boyfriends, coworkers, and family like this. It is so confusing when it happens and can be so hurtful. I am always eager to learn more about how to combat this toxicity! Thank goodness for this education and these tools! They will get what is coming to them eventually, and I do not want to be anywhere near them when they do.
This is sage advice ! So it's fighting 🔥 fire with water 💦- instead of fighting fire with fire ( which never made sense?) I ve been watching your videos for a while and they keep getting better and better Michelle👈👏👏👏🙌👍
Another spot on video Michele thanks, i agree use the silent treatment as some me time to focus on yourself instead of the Narchole. My silent treatment went on for over a year then when the inevitable happened lol and the Narchole showed up i had allready decided that things would not change for the better and what happened at that time just cemented things. so my door closed for the last time on them. Now i have me time to focus on myself and what is important to me. Why put all your energy and focus into a Narchole when it becomes obvious they just want to put you down to the level they are on because they have no selfasteem, respect etc the list goes on and it is a long list.
I like this. More on passive aggressive behaviors please. I like what you said 'When we tell toxic people what hurts us--they do it more. (When we expose that.) They covertly hide it but continue to do it more.' I have employees who do this tactic all the time. When I'm just far enough away from them they say something mean about about me. Example 'he is not a man,' 'he is a bad manager,' etc. The 'toxic,' charismatic person who is behind these passed on abusive behaviors encourages them to use these behaviors. When you confront them about this they later discuss what I told them in confidence--with the 'toxic,' person and he gets them to start doing this behavior again. How do you deal with this tactic when it is being used against you all the time. I am told by my boss 'oh just ignore it and let them talk amongst themselves.' When you listen to these suggestions and do what they are telling you to do--this empowers the abusive behavior and it continues to grow and continue and grow (It's a cycle that escalates). How do you stop this behavior when you confront them about it and they deny it. They smile and act nice when you talk to them but continue this tactic as soon as your out of immediate range where deniability is an option?
if you really want to piss them off mirror their insults but instead of bad manager change it to bad workers. Speak badly about them whilst pretending to be on the phone with someone.
oh my gosh when you spoke on the silent treatment. I remember with my ex when she would either start chaos or start the silent treatment. I would disengage with it and not allow it to bother me. I would grab my favorite book and begin reading. It was fine for a while, but eventually, she stopped giving me the silent treatment and started attacking me reading lol What a low. But I never understood it until now - thank you!
I'm curious about something-what's your take on setting boundaries? I get the idea of focusing on what brings you joy instead of dwelling on toxic behavior, but isn't it tough to completely ignore someone's passive-aggressive actions? Wondering if establishing clear boundaries like 'no sulking' or 'no walking away' could actually validate their behavior inadvertently. How do you find the balance between ignoring toxicity and setting boundaries effectively?
Number one goal to deal with toxic people is top] remove them from your life (or remove yourself from them if you are at the beginning). The first one to remove is extremely hard and painful but every next one is easier. I did it, you can do it too !!!
It’s a really big red flag-one of the biggest-when people can’t stand your happiness or success!!!
so true
The moral of the story, do not be around people that make you feel uncomfortable. Especially those that make you feel as if you are walking on eggshells in their presence.
Exactly! I left my job because of how horrible it was constantly walking on egg shells around my manager.
It’s hard when that person is at work and you love your job.
Yes?m, but the hatdest way is to go out of yiur neighbours… they are evewhere 😂😂😂❤
I just left a job I absolutely love because the owner of the restaurant is a malignant narcissist. I found out on my last day that she had been going around telling my coworkers and customers that I’m fake and that my happiness is an act! The funny thing....she is really just talking about herself. It hurt me because I am sensitive and kind and a people person naturally but I was able to let it go rather quickly. I saw this woman for who she was and she couldn’t stand it. I have no job now and no prospects but I don’t care. I am free and that is priceless. 🙏🏻🙏🏻💕💕💕
That is really sad that people cannot even handle being around genuinely happy people. It is like people thrive off of negativity or want you to have low self esteem. Then if you walk around with a mean look on your face people will have something to say. You cannot win for losing keep being you and dont change. True people will appreciate your inner beauty and approachable demeanor.
I was fired by a malignant narcissist and he torpedoed my next job offer. Jokes on him.. I went to a competitor and got a raise 🙌
That says something about that person. Not about you. Be happy you left. Nothing else matters. If your manager doesn't know how to not gossip she shouldn't be in a managers position. Even if you are fake. Who cares? It's about how you do your job. If your colleagues couldn't stand up for you or didn't stand up for you, which means they also stand up for a healthy work culture, they are not worth your attention.
I got fired two years ago from in hindsight the worst team and the worst manipulative manager. I really felt bad at work all the time but I needed money ofc... it really sucked because I was trying so hard to succeed. It was a culture with a lot of women(sorry) and one guy as a manager. The culture was just completely messed up and everybody stabbed each other in the back about bs to survive. When I left the manager was looking at my LinkedIn page every week on the same day of the week just to f with me. I wrote about my experiences and the toxic culture inside the team and sent it to a colleague of his. I saw him in the city once after and he was looking really angry at me.I said hello and moved on haha. I am soooo glad I don't work there anymore and have a job where the manager is very respectful towards the employees. And everyone who still works there is still complaining on whatsapp or manipulating.
That happened to me in nursing on my first job returning to my home state, and I desperately needed the work. As a single mom then, leaving was the last thing I could afford, and I had no one to turn to. Nursing itself is full of bullies; I pushed through though, rescued myself, and today my son and I work as a team and earn in a day what used to take a month. Staying true to self paid off.
@@laurielbrooks6079 Had to grow up in a family like this. Not everyone, but certain individuals tended to say hurtful things when I was happy and expressing my joy.
Observe don’t absorb is a great technique. It’s the same as being emotionally detached. A lot of people in the comments are referring to it as a “trick.” It’s not a trick or a ploy, it’s a practice one can generally use in life. It simply means you don’t allow yourself to get pulled into someone else’s toxicity.
Thank you for this brilliant insight!
The problem is i can act like im not absorbing but inside im a mess and cant sleep, want to not think !!!!!
I love that comment. Thank you ❤
@@shirleymorales3161yes, EXACTLY! God bless 💜
This is very difficult because the intent is obvious and playing dumb has a way of feeling fake for me. Unfortunately, this occurs often and practice opportunities come often.
Wear sunglasses or respond while you walk away from them, it does not give them the supply/energy they want to steal from you. I’ve learned this unplanned. I see them squirm or laugh nervously, because they missed their target. If they can’t have eye contact with you, they can’t shoot.
Bmore Mom Nice! So, basically, when you buy sun-glasses you also buy narc-glasses? Now I understand why my former narc boss did not liked that I weared sunglasses. Apparently, she considered them to be offending. I told her that I need them because I have sensibility to light (which is true), but still, she barelly accepted it and only after several other people confirmed it. Should I mention that she was also behaving like we were rivals of some sort? Yup, she did so from the very beginning, despite the fact that she was the one who hired me. And maybe she needed to see my eyes in order to read my thoughts and plan her next reply...
@@eeaotly Thanks for sharing confirmation! Yes, they must see your eyes (the window to your soul) to extract the supply of praise/worship or release their insidious abuse, so they want to see your fear, pain, anger, etc... Yeah narc-shield-glasses!
I....LOVE...Mines...I...Smiled....and... Shook... My...Head...At...A...HATER....SO...Pitiful.. And... CRAZY
@@eeaotly im getting me some sunglasses!
@Tewdy Quew seems cowardly but really its a smart way to stay away
She's an angel... You saved me
King Solomon me too
Me too. She still does🌸🕊💗
What is her hand signs
The toxic people I know do all of the above, and I've just learned to ignore them--they don't exist in my view. And in the corner of my eyes I can see them cross their arms, roll their eyes, and storm off. It enrages them to get no response from me, to be ignored, and to not be the center of attention. But oh well, that's exactly what they're doing to me, and I'm just dishing it back.
Decades ago I learned that everyone is responsible for their own feelings. Such freedom in walking in this truth. Also, no one is responsible for reading someone else's mind. Communicate your mind if you want someone else to know what you're wanting,thinking, expecting, feeling. Expect others to communicate their mind & heart if they want to as well.
Like she said, I think it’s carried on by family. They do as their parents do. I would hope they’d realize the hole they’re in and turn it around, but from everything on here, the majority don’t.
She mentioned that kind of stuff doesn't typically work on toxic people. So while it's excellent for maintaining a good r.ship, maybe a relationship gone sour or there's just some weak communication in an otherwise usual relationship.. worse people are much harder to deal with, bc you can't reason with an unreasonable person who might destroy your whole life
I wish I would’ve watched this years ago. Everything you’re saying is absolutely correct and would’ve saved me from years of narcissistic abuse. Observe don’t absorb is literally what rescued me from engaging. I’m free now and divorced. Thank God. It took nearly 20 years. But I’m free.
being with a toxic person makes US into a toxic person. the way other people think WE are the toxic one instead of them & how we have to adjust our behavior around them just to get by--appearing and acting toxic ourselves! 😖🥴
It really is easy to adapt, i mean they say "you're who you hang out with" that sucks, so get rid of them is the best rather than waste time and feel bad by hanging with them.
This is taking someone's behavior and not allowing it to make you toxic as well. By letting toxic manipulation affect us not to act the way they do and instead of reacting to it just absorbing it.
OMG! The ignoring scenario! To the 'T'. At one point in my relationship, I naturally did the 'walk away and find something else to do' when I was intentionally ignored, and I later got asked if I felt ignored because I walked away. Inside I was thinking "you conniving brat!" But I replied "oh, not at all I just found something I wanted to check out. I didn't even notice you weren't around". The confused look was amazing! Sad we have to resort to this pretentious behavior though 😔
You sound like a POS, yourself. If you can actually take that constructive criticism, you'd probably benefit greatly. Fighting fire with fire is going to leave you and the other person both atop of 2 piles of ash, still bitching and blaming EachOther for what was done.
This takes so much self-control and endurance, but truly...there is no other way! It takes great mental strength.
The toxic person does not deserve our positive attitude. These tactics are good to use while making moves and plans to end the relationship. The toxic relationship is not worth your while. Choose an exit date and commit to it. You will have sufficient time to plan and fortify your positive attitude. These people do not exist in reality. If they were a fly you would have swatted them out of your existence already, not turn it into a pet.
On the topic of timing, I remember one strategy from the guitarist and improvised music legend Derek Bailey, when 2 other musicians, Han & Evan, arrived to a recording session 1 hour late, as soon they arrived he packed his guitar up and said to them "see you in an hour, i'm having my lunch"
Wonderfull
Also, THANK them for helping you accomplish do a,b or c and they will stop whatever behavior is irritating you. For example, my father in law would come unannounced to our house to annoy me. So, I thanked him for babysitting, so I could finish packing for a weekend trip we were getting ready for. His face of disgust was awesome. I just smiled in delight. He hasn’t come back unannounced 😀!
Gratitude is powerful! Lol))
Beautiful counterattack 🤞🏽
LOL...Good Tips
Bmore Mom I’m gonna use this, I hope that’s ok. Clever. Same with the sunglasses trick as I have Autism and epilepsy and other medical issues.
Lobotomy try trolling a dictionary site.
The “acting like you don’t notice it” is so funny because I do this all the time. And it’s so funny hearing that this actually advised to do hahah. Wow.
My mom was chronically tardy for every planned event. My hubby and I started telling her the start time was 30mins prior to when it actually was. Over time she realized she was on time and actually asked about it. I laughed and said “well, we’ve noticed you always show up 30mins late, so we give you a time 30mins earlier than everyone else.” At first she started to argue that she wasn’t late, and then realized it was futile. She said “well, you don’t have to do that anymore.” She never apologized or admitted fault, but she was never late again. I now realize she was doing this on purpose in order to make her narcissistic grand entrance.
Yes when they are not trying to be punctual or apologetic about lateness. I used to always be late due to cptsd but was close to tears, struggling & very apologetic every time. They train you with a deeply carved neural pathway!!!
My husband is a pastor, zero interpersonal skills, gaslighting me daily and I have FINALLY awakened. Just didn't know how to deal with it. You hit the nail in the head. "Making mistakes" was the lightbulb that I couldn't figure out. Thanks for the tip on how to deal with it. I need to distance and allow him to fail. Yes, when they discovered that we're bothered by their behavior they do it more. And he denies that he's toxic. He's always gaslighting.
Pray Psalm 18
It's a spiritual battle, the religious pretenders tortured and murdered innocent Jesus. He will protect you. I fled everything and it was worth the freedom. These are wolves in sheep's clothing and only want to kill steal and destroy...🙏🔥🕊
She mentioned the kitchen cleaning experiment. But that’s just putting your finger in the dike. And if you’re sticking your finger in every new hole that pops up, it gets exhausting. I think the solution is to let the wall break and run as fast as you can.
@@entrthedragonWhat is putting your finger in the dike?
I have beat myself up about this. I have to struggle with feeling like somehow my joy for life is not normal because of the people who have a problem with it. I eventually found out that they basically want you to become either as miserable as them, or want you to amount to nothing because that gives them personal satisfaction. Living with someone like this is devastating and limits your huge potential. I am finally taking back my life and challenging anyone who has a problem with me for any reason. I have tried everything to appease these people and when I was at my most vulnerable, all the things they wanted me to be, they used to reject and isolate me. They don't want to help you, they want to hurt and destroy you and they will always have a problem with you and the smartest way to deal with them is not to deal with them. Detach emotionally, do not engage and carry on with your life the way it was meant to live. You deserve to be happy.
You don't have to look at the look you feel it.
I forgot a word I meant you can feel it
absolutely even in the dark from behind your back even when they are speaking to someone else you feel in like laser on your back
Yes, it hits your guts, causes emotional termoil inside you.
I found that mirroring is the best tool.. If they cant get a reaction from you, that really sets them off, but they will leave you alone eventually
They never leave you alone they will be peaceful for a bit than try to dig at you again in the future like a friend I had would randomly bring up my female cousin and start making comments about her to get a rise out of me.
I'm expanding my career & redoing my office. Meeting nicer people & taking no BS. Boundaries are set in stone. If I say something it's short. On social media, I go on ocassionally: joke, tell how happy I'm & expanding my career successfully, without saying any information. I refuse to argrue, because I refuse to feed the beast. Redoing myself, for the better.
This is dangerous ground to thread ... I remember as a kid at social events with my narc parents, they'd say or do something to kill our (my brother and i) enjoyment of the party, but I'd choose not to respond and act happy the rest of the day, play with my cousins, etc ..... Then watch out for when you're back home alone with them, that's when you "get" it, the abuse, the guilt trips they laid on us, then you'd get punished for something you didn't even do, or you did in their imagination only. Same thing happened with an ex narc significant other, he'd try to kill my enjoyment of the party by saying something mean or ignoring me, or some other stupid game. But i didn't let it kill my joy, I kept on talking with people, having fun. Then same scenario as with my parents, once alone he'd lash out at me for no reason, accusing me of things and behaviours I didn't even do or display. So just be careful because it does backfire. Maybe make sure they don't see you having fun. And most important, get out of the relationship, leave, save yourself, you owe it to You.
Michelle, great video as usual. I appreciate how articulate you are, your ability to demonstrate these toxic behaviours. Thanks so much.
I agree! What I learned to do as a child was to invent a passion or weakness I didn't actually have, so that the toxic parent would go for that target to hurt me. Then pretend to be hurt by their barb so they're happy, without them having actually affected your true self. It was hard to do because my toxic parent was a psychotherapist, but I did eventually figure out how to play the victim they want to see without being one. Still - much better to get out if you can!
Thanks for your input@@Maren617 . Funny...... I used to do something similar as a kid. Whenever there was something I really liked or was passionate about, I made sure NOT to talk about it, keep it to myself. Maybe that's why today I'm rather secretive about my art projects. I developped the fear, almost superstition, that if I talk about what I wanna do, it won't come to path. Thanks for this dialogue, it helps us uncover, understand, who we are.
@@borealiswan2363 Me too! Also into art, just rediscovering it now that I'm making a recovery, and I have also always had lots of trouble talking about the things I truly love, trying to protect them. But I'm actually going to change that now, share my art openly with friends on social media, get lots of feedback from normal people, and will just use Michelle's techniques to reply to any abusive comments and won't let them bother me. I'm a free adult now and no longer have to hide who I am.
@@borealiswan2363 OMG yes my person have 3 bio sisters and step mother that I feel secretly stalking me and they always want to know what I'm up to and asking around the sly way.... I was an open book because I wanted to help my X-human and his sisters go through their family traumas so I reveal and shared too much details of what i'm up to, what helped me through my tough times how I heal traumas and reveal certain techniques of Mind Control that back fired against my better judgement... I thought they wanted to start on shadow work which is why I gave them my instructors contacts ... my instructor told warned me that a few people with their energies came to learn Mind Control techniques with shady intentions and they were hiding their true identities and were evasive in demeanor. I long stop contact and learn other things without their knowledge. Those group of humans delve in some shady Javanese Black magic and and information they acquired from me ended up stabbing me in the back... took away the one I loved and cared the most (my lovely friends..street cats) one by one and finally broke my emotional/ psychological defenses and my health collapsed along with my finances. I sought no one, trust no one, I moved back with my family working on side work and building my portfolio. Those are signs from Universe to do some heavy processing and detoxing. I will cut and block anyone suspicious or toxic from my life even if it will add fuel to their gossip, bad mouthing in order to garner supporters I no longer give any time or meanings to petty behaviours. I hope they grow up spiritually and purify their heavy karmic entanglements~be done, be free, stay safe and stay quiet bout your business for now!
@@leisurelyarting What a sad, terrible story ! Glad your instructor saw through them. Keep growing, I know it's very hard, but be strong. Sounds like you've done a lot of useful work in order to stay safe. Sending good vibes
You are so right on. Many of us are taught to please others. But, even Jesus often did not act to please others.🙄
Thanks for calling it out. It's so hard to admit they are doing these nasty behaviors on purpose, but as I hear you talk, I know it's true. I've gone through 30 years of it with my husband. Always just thinking there is something wrong with him, like he can't think properly. Like his thinking is disorganized. But it's not. It's been calculated to obtain the maximum frustration and exhaustion of me. It's a hard pill to swallow. But, I appreciate this knowledge. Knowledge is the way out. Thank You.
This explains SO much!!! The smear campaign starts before you even leave... Wow. This makes so many things make so much sense!! Thank you!
I wish I'd known this years ago! You have shared a massive power source here for fueling self-confidence in the face adversity with a Narc!
Thank you so much!!!
It’s easier to just purge toxic people out of your life, problem us there are so many. Good advice though if you’re stuck with them
This is THE MOST ACCURATE thing ever.
Absolutely she gave us ammunition
today I finally had the strength to dump my narcissist girlfriend. going no contact starts now! I have blocked her and deleted on everything. its time to move on with my life. my mind and soul is still very messed up tho, I'm so mentally drained i feel numb. I really need to heal.. if anyone can help me or give me advise I appreciate it, and I'm glad I can be apart of this community. if anyone could comment it would mean the world to me. I hope everyone has a good day, remember to love yourself
It's been 9 months since you posted. I hope you are doing well.
Don't let yourself slump into guilt , for stepping away . GET SLEEP , VIT B1 , AND GOOD MUSIC , I listen to Beautiful compositions , John Williams Hans Zimmer , serve the deserving ,include yourself . . Eat non toxic food , ease up on yourself. Be a giver , to others and don't forget yourself . , ❤❤❤
I usually love the silent treatment for the exact reasons mentioned in this video. But most of all, because silent treatment means SILENCE! Silence like in no fighting, hurling, yelling. Silence like in "I can hear my own thoughts and I xan really focus on them". That type of silence.
Cristiana Nicolae Right... In the beginning when he would do it it literally ate at me and would mess up my days how ever long he decided to do it but now now I welcome it ... It’s a break for me now... Sad that I’m even still with this person but in time I’m sure I will smarten up...
Christiana - YES! Same here - I thought I was weird because everyone always talks about how devastated they are when they get the silent treatment. I was always so glad for the break from the yelling. Especially since he almost never shut up. He acted like he would die if he wasn't running his mouth constantly interrupting me.
Yes, I have the same. In silent treatment I can focus on myself again and feel better
I think the hard solution is to have a face to face and resolve it. If they’re unwilling, tell them it’s a deal breaker not to. It’s what adults do. If they don’t, they don’t care about you.
Silent treatment is abusive. Used by abusers.
14 aggressive ppl dislike lol. You go girl thanks for all your positive and educational videos!!! You’ve been super helpful.
Great insights, always, Michele! There were so many things I did, as a young wife, that I thought were non-negotiable, such as traveling across the country to visit his relatives. When I'd had one bad experience after another during these visits, I came to a huge realization (Eureka!) I didn't have to go!! So I stopped, many years ago, and get a vacation from him when he goes alone. The relatives can think what they like. I don't care. There are so many wrong assumptions that we make, based in our upbringing, that can and must be challenged to come to a peaceful, contented life. Counselors like you, Michele, are so helpful in breaking the chains that have kept us miserable....Thank you!
You are just so so right. All the silent treatment that he does to me is because im focusing on me and how i wanted it to end and how much it makes me so anxious and so confuse and hurtful. Now that i know his game all i need to do is focus on what can i do 'at that moment" to make me happy. Thats the key word. Thanks very much. Its so helpful. And when he smear me and is counting on my old responses to explode, that is exactly what i will not do.
Michele. You are a Genius. If i had got this message 2 years ago, i would have saved my marriage.. However, i thank God i left, now i have an amazing person in my Life.
This is really important emotional survival advice for people who are trapped in a situation that you can't/ don't know how to get out of........such as at work, or if you have kids with that person.
How ever......no one who is emotionally healthy, would choose to stay in this kind of relationship. It just isn't worth your time & energy.
I've put a lot of this into use, definitely works, i'm not absorbing their B.S. nor losing control of my own world. They start moody, then unpleasant towards me, then self-pity, then some acting out towards inanimate objects (slamming a door, passive-aggressively put the dishes away), and when they realise they aren't getting what they want, they stomp off in a huff, often for about 5-15 minutes, then come back as if nothing occurred. I suppose that 5-15 minutes is as long as they can last before having to face who they really are, because when they come back they are in total mirror mode.
Carl Spencer sounds familiar it’s exhausting also just observing and not responding..
@@Rahel8811 I know what you mean, but I think as a tool it is incredibly helpful to keep them at bay. I think of it as like body-suits police wear to train their dogs...yes you can still feel the bite through the suit, but were you not wearing it you'd probably have your whole arm ripped off!
I love it Michelle! My x used to do this when we would go on walks together or went places together all the time. I remember right after our honeymoon I was excited to go to the grocery store together and cook a meal together. When we got to the store he literally ran off from me. I couldn't find him and I was so hurt,confused and devastated by this behavior. I just realized this memory was a toxic behavior of him ignoring me on purpose to control my emotions and steal my joy away. It still hurts when I think of it. Your videos and words to use against the toxic Narcassist are so great!!! Thank you!
Wow! Sounds like I married is brother 😄 Blessings to you 🙏🏼🥰
@@sheilaprice1942 Lol. I think it's pure evil and that's why there are multiple people doing the exact same behavior. Lol
Thank you Michelle
I appreciate your videos especially this one Michelle cause I get alot of those looks by these types of people after someone smearing my name . We should just smile , wave and act confident around these toxic people . It might be difficult but I need to practice and love myself . Accept that they wanna chose to hate you're right we can't control them .
I once heard the quote "Don't Oil the Squeaky Wheel" and I think it relates to the topic Intentional Mistakes.
I fixed the mistakes of the narcissist at work and by doing that they became my responsibility and part of my duties.
It took me a long time to figure out that it was a trick.
Wow, you nailed it! I’ll need to listen to this weekly, this is spot on!! More of this please. Thank you!!
(Dealing with covert narc parents and very toxic narc sibling, which are way more difficult than my narc spouse, the parent-sibling triangulation & enablement keeps getting me angry & very sad)
A lot of people are not mentally balanced but suffer from unresolved internal issues that they project onto the people around them. Be aware and have your guard up because they will try to take away your joy.
Spouse has always engaged in passive aggressive behaviors, probably learned in their family growing up, but their character is actually not evil. They're capable of kindness, gentleness, compassion, though the passive-aggressiveness comes out when their personal goals and desires are interfered with. Over the years I've learned to disengage as this video suggests--just "do my own thing" and enjoy it, walk away instead of engage when they go "fishing", when I'm tempted to get angry just go into another room and put sound-cancelling headphones on and listen to peaceful sounds or an engaging podcast. I honestly think it helps spouse as much as it helps me, because they back away from those toxic behaviors and engage more productively when I come back to them and pretend nothing happened and I've just been happily doing my thing.
I LOVE THIS VIDEO!!!!💕🌸
I had a situation at work today and I was feeling so sad, aggravated and many more things 😔😣🤬🤯😫😤and I was thinking to face that person tomorrow and tell her so many things and you save my mind, my feelings, my Job and my mental health!!! Thank you I know now how to play their game and win for my own mental health. 🌸💕☺️🙏🏼 Thank you so much!!!
It’s great that you ( Michele ) refer to them and not him all the time. This behavior is not gender specific.
When we tell toxic people what hurts us, they do it more yess OMG how sad this is 😐
Sumeyye Unfortunately 😞
Exactly .. they store in their mind fk ery bank
@@victoriavitoroulis3273 how can they stand being that way...i dont get it
Like they can't help it, it's havit and insecurities that they need to address which sooner or later they will hopefully if people do not allow it.
David U yes 🙄
I've done this... It totally drains the toxic people. Throughout that gathering... But I do feel strong vibes from everywhere.
I can also relate to being ig ores in public. With mg family, Its like i have to tag along everywhere obey them and they make sure they keep you ignored and tagged along at the same time. And when I tried to move. They woiod either bully me to stay with then or give fake assurance. Sounds childish but it applies to all situations and gatherings as you gown up with a toxic family. I never had a say in my own choices. Ad now im so confused what they actually are. Coming bacj on track with them...
I am noticing this lose of energy around two people lately. To avoid it on Saturday I felt I had to put a shield around my heart as I realized everything I said was being discounted.
I am particularly sensitive to voice tones of people recently. Hearing how people speak to each other often feels hostile or passive aggressive with me. I noticed the person I am closest with when I speak with them my happiness increases and I do not feel I must shield my heart.
Thank you for your strategies.
Another method: Don’t take it personal (a different way of saying “observe it, don’t absorb it.”). Their behavior is designed to trigger you and “invite” you to take the bait, but you hold the power to decline the invitation and walk away.
So relived the more i learn the more i can see and really am beginning to see through this fog .
Clearly livin the priceless truth that you so simply and eloquently present has helped me immeasurably.
From the center of my being
I thank you
My younger sister deliberately made me late to our parent's 50th anniversary celebration after I flew in out of state; I was assigned the reading. I missed the service entirely, and she blamed other circumstances, including her daughter sleeping late. I was too far away from the location to call a cab, and I had zero sleep for 24 hours; she had no empathy, and didn't care. So when her daughter's wedding came around, I didn't show up, and neither did I for her son's wedding, who would scoff at me during family get togethers; I didn't even send a gift. Sometimes living in another state away from family of origin is the best thing, ever.
The trouble with me is dissociation... Delay in processing and then thinking it through hours or days or weeks later and realising what they did was actually really rude or something that should instantly be challenged. I hate this
The late realization may be because in the past, this behavior was seen as "normal", or it was something that you couldn't do anything about (in he case of a child). I am now seeing the reality of "back-handed compliments" and passive aggressive remarks about me that a sibling made in public. Because it was a surprise and public, I didn't respond in any way. Now I have learned what I could have done, and will do if it happens again.
Yes, that is true. Toxic people will not treat you in a healthy way. They are ill people and we must humbly accept it.
I tried politely excusing myself and just protecting my personal space and the person started escalating every possible situation. Trying start problems with me and my family. Creating a huge list of things they were accusing me of and threatening to get me in legal trouble. Doing so many ridiculous things like hiding all the toilet paper. I will just never get involved with a miserable person ever.
How Evil it seems that a person that know's they hurt you would purposely do more of it!
Great advise Michele. The outsmarting can last for so long before it drives you nuts. The narcissist is relentless and never give up. The only solution is to run away as fast as you can. You truly do help me in understanding my 22 year marriage to a full blown narcissist now 5.5 years divorced. Thank God for that!! Ciao!!
Watching BONES, season 3, episode 14 and it nails how dangerous manipulative people are when we encounter them! The Wannabe In The Weeds.
So many mysteries nailed narcissism in various stages but until YOU, Michelle, I never had the tools to ID what it is and what to do or not do. Thank you 🌸🌺🌸🌺🌸🌺🌸
Tolstoi novels, or meditations by Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius give clues about human nature and wisdom pills to epower ourselves. Khalil Gibran and Mary Oliver are Poets of love, wondering and wilderness. In self care, it helped me a lot.
If you prefer series writing techniques, Edgar Allan Poe 's short stories.
Milk n' Kisses
Observe don’t absorb. Act like you don’t even notice their bad mood. To hold on to your good vibes.
The thing u said they will walk ahead of u and need to follow Iam shattered into pieces everytime when my husband does it for me I feel that I dnt deserve to be loved by him but now iam clear I had to move on and be myself
It’s so true that we can’t tell a toxic person what bothers us or they’ll do it more. I told my sister it bother’s me when her husband feels the need to insert himself in our every conversation when it doesn’t always include him. She said she told him to stop doing that and he’s been doing it even more ever since. He monitors our conversations. If she and I are on the phone, he’ll come and interrupt. If we’re sitting in a room talking while I’m visiting her at their place then he will come to that room just so he can know what we’re talking about. If I say something to her then he’ll wait til I walk away to ask her what I said. It’s so weird. He’s been negatively impacting my relationship with my sister and tries to make me seem as if I’m crazy when I call out his behavior. My sisters acts oblivious to it all so I got pretty fed up and now we’re not talking. He’s disrespected me many times and deliberately finds ways to trigger me on purpose. My sister has already admitted he has problems but she still thinks that he and I simply don’t get along as if I’m doing something to him when I’m not. Not anyone in my family gets along with him because of his rude, inconsiderate, and petty ways. Yet my sister is in denial most of the time.
God bless you.. Not pointing out what bothered you and giving a different reason for the boundaries is the one I needed right now..
It sucks when your own older sis or sis in law are manipulative individuals and jealous of u... sad. Toxic people just need to go. U choosing to be toxic is not my responsibility. They intentionally like to aggravate and frustrate you, it’s never an accident...This clarity is amazing!
This is great advice when you have no choice, but this gets so complicated. Manipulating the manipulator. Best just to move on & find someone that actually knows what it means to love. People don’t change unless they want to & bring God into it. Unless they’re willing to do that, it’s not worth it. “Bad company corrupts good character”.
My Mother has an extreme case of passive aggressive behavior. It's chronic and VERY, VERY damaging to those close to her.. You will walk away hurt, frustrated and down right angry with just about every encounter.
Earmuffs. They want you upset, so don't let them. Be square to your beliefs. I've heard carrying a hematite stone helps.
@@AverySunshineswhy do they want us upset ? Are they willing to get hurt physically?
I give him a mark out of 10 (in my mind) and if he needs it, an Oscar. He gave me the look the other day but because he was about 20 metres a way, he added excessive shoulder slumps and a humph. I’d just watched your last video and breathed then laughed under my neutral facial expression. The funny thing was if he’d asked me about his situation beforehand, he wouldn’t have had the problem. Thanks, Michele!
In toxic relationships you can not be honest and act truthfully and that is why you must cut them off not to be compelled to violate your standards of behaviour and your core values.
Thank you for these really helpful tips. I wish I came across this video years ago. I can put into practice immediately the next time my husband pulls the silent treatment or behaves toxic in public. I appreciate this so much, thanks again!!
I would apply these techniques particularly in respect of the 'look' & the 'moods,' however, this would often escalate the issue.
While nothing would happen publicly, my 'non-response' would be construed as my not caring etc which would often produce days long monologues of abuse.
So, while it might work in the moment, it was dreadful afterward.
How would you deal with the repercussions of these very valid options that our narcissists will obviously very much dislike?
Get out of the relationship.
@@jennifersoens6692 Thank-you Jennifer. I am out of it thankfully and am well on the way to healing now. 💙💙
Sooooo glad to hear that!!! 💜💜
Run don’t walkm
I'm so sorry to hear of that pain I understand what you're going through.
It can be empowering to even just say, in response to their mood, “Bad mood, huh? That sucks.”
Follow up with, “I gotta jet to get (xyz - make up an errand or important phone call) done now, but hope you feel better soon or maybe you can talk to me about it later.”
This way you still seem sensitive and open to understanding but with appropriate limits of time - that you set - to give them space to cool off first.
There’s a great youtuber on professional communications, Dan O’Connor, that does videos on how to deal with “difficult people”. He’s not qualified as a coach or psych or shrink or anything but his tactics and scripts have really helped me even in personal communications with these types of people.
His scripting and body language hacks have really helped me when I can’t escape ;o) communication with folks like this.
Wow! Thankyou sooo much I can’t believe how these exact situations have arisen with 2 toxic people in my life and how I handled it so wrong because I was hurt 😞 I thank you for the help and will try these ideas ❤
It is frustrating when they will not pull their weight but then act like you are the one toxic. Or they will not even speak and do something they think will irritate you walking by. Like one person thinks whistling irritates me so specifically they will whistle while only walking by me. Ignoring them doesn't stop them.
What's best working for me is to keep the control of the situation and don't burst. When I keep my cool I feel powerful, this way they don't ruin my mood. Also lately I've had problems with a person who's trying to take advantage of me, he keeps on going into the personal zone and I maintain him in the professional level
"Hold on to your energy." I love that.
This is the most amazing strategies I've ever heard.
Thank you. I'm going to watch this one more time and write everything down.
"Intentional mistakes"....you are describing the kind of crazy making that happens in a lot of marriages. People invited in to your life can make it a living hell...intentionally.
I love these ideas and have tried them in the past. The only time I find it extremely difficult is when thier behaviour triggers an emotional flashback. Like someone struck a guitar cord. That’s when not giving them the response their wanting is a bit more difficult.
AmazonKC ...it’s very difficult...You just want to lash out at them...hurt them to wake them up...
Simply intelligent and beautiful approach in dealing with these otherwise "tangling situations. " Thank you so much dearest Michelle for existing and sharing your wisdom. 💝
i like that she iterates to apply these techniques in a toxic relationship not a healthy one. They are manipulative techniques and using them on someone who doesn’t deserve it to boost your control will make you the toxic one.
It's.nkt about boosting our control it's about keeping our happiness from those who try to take it away from us
Great examples, beyond helpful!
Sometimes people slip into these behaviors because they have been too lazy. They probably saw these same manipulative behaviors growing up and may not even realize how ridiculous they're acting. When I changed my expectations and calmly and lovingly refused to participate, things shifted and peace ensued. As long as I argued or let myself feel bad, nothing changed for many years. I finally grew up enough myself to see the way. Don't assume it isn't fixable...but please don't let anyone determine how you feel. And don't be hard on yourself as you figure out the difference. There's probably a good reason you're open to this bad behavior, but there is no reason you can't change that. Life is short. Make it beautiful! Stop being a victim of anything. Become a person who values compassion for both yourself and others. 💞
The ex narc tried to give me the silent treatment for 2 days so I finally got some rest, looked up a new hobby and sang in the shower (I hadn't done that in years) He had a major violent meltdown and started screaming I'm abusive for being so happy not to talk to him for 2 whole days. Ugh
I ll try all the methods you mentioned , not letting them know it bothers you is something I have to put more in to practice ☝️️🎯thank you for your channel! 🎖
Your voice is so soothing and gentle 💖
I remember for an anniversary we went to a really nice hotel and instead of checking into the room he sat downstairs talking to the manager for 2 hrs ignoring me, did the same thing whenever we went anywhere, wish I had known these things.
It is so draining. I think about the toxic person even when he is not near,
If you are in a relationship with them get out! Move, change your identity, whatever you have to do. Don't let a miserable person sabatoge your life.
Love this! Unfortunately toxic people are all around us. I've had ex boyfriends, coworkers, and family like this. It is so confusing when it happens and can be so hurtful. I am always eager to learn more about how to combat this toxicity! Thank goodness for this education and these tools! They will get what is coming to them eventually, and I do not want to be anywhere near them when they do.
"The only way to stop them is to stop cleaning up after them".That was deep wow!
This is sage advice ! So it's fighting 🔥 fire with water 💦- instead of fighting fire with fire ( which never made sense?) I ve been watching your videos for a while and they keep getting better and better Michelle👈👏👏👏🙌👍
Another spot on video Michele thanks, i agree use the silent treatment as some me time to focus on yourself instead of the Narchole. My silent treatment went on for over a year then when the inevitable happened lol and the Narchole showed up i had allready decided that things would not change for the better and what happened at that time just cemented things. so my door closed for the last time on them. Now i have me time to focus on myself and what is important to me. Why put all your energy and focus into a Narchole when it becomes obvious they just want to put you down to the level they are on because they have no selfasteem, respect etc the list goes on and it is a long list.
I like this. More on passive aggressive behaviors please. I like what you said 'When we tell toxic people what hurts us--they do it more. (When we expose that.) They covertly hide it but continue to do it more.'
I have employees who do this tactic all the time. When I'm just far enough away from them they say something mean about about me. Example 'he is not a man,' 'he is a bad manager,' etc. The 'toxic,' charismatic person who is behind these passed on abusive behaviors encourages them to use these behaviors. When you confront them about this they later discuss what I told them in confidence--with the 'toxic,' person and he gets them to start doing this behavior again. How do you deal with this tactic when it is being used against you all the time. I am told by my boss 'oh just ignore it and let them talk amongst themselves.' When you listen to these suggestions and do what they are telling you to do--this empowers the abusive behavior and it continues to grow and continue and grow (It's a cycle that escalates). How do you stop this behavior when you confront them about it and they deny it. They smile and act nice when you talk to them but continue this tactic as soon as your out of immediate range where deniability is an option?
Violence
dont confront them that what they want you to do
if you really want to piss them off mirror their insults but instead of bad manager change it to bad workers. Speak badly about them whilst pretending to be on the phone with someone.
Excellent excellent excellent information!
You are brilliant. Your advice really make sense.,
oh my gosh when you spoke on the silent treatment. I remember with my ex when she would either start chaos or start the silent treatment. I would disengage with it and not allow it to bother me. I would grab my favorite book and begin reading. It was fine for a while, but eventually, she stopped giving me the silent treatment and started attacking me reading lol What a low. But I never understood it until now - thank you!
There is a special place in hell for people who interrupt a good book! I am glad you aren't with that person anymore! Read on! 📖💜
Yup, and they never change. Have to walk away from these people.
I'm curious about something-what's your take on setting boundaries? I get the idea of focusing on what brings you joy instead of dwelling on toxic behavior, but isn't it tough to completely ignore someone's passive-aggressive actions? Wondering if establishing clear boundaries like 'no sulking' or 'no walking away' could actually validate their behavior inadvertently. How do you find the balance between ignoring toxicity and setting boundaries effectively?
Number one goal to deal with toxic people is top] remove them from your life (or remove yourself from them if you are at the beginning). The first one to remove is extremely hard and painful but every next one is easier.
I did it, you can do it too !!!
Seems like i was doing everything right after all. Just didn't believe it and those situations still left me doubt myself, if i did something wrong.
Yes thank you
It's to bad when someone doesn't realize that bad company currups good character.