I thought my anxious attachment was a personality disorder for years. No therapist has ever been fully comfortable giving me a personality disorder diagnosis. I believe this is the answer. I have an extreme anxious attachment that has been worse in certain times/relationships in my life. I show very little signs of any issues with my current relationship because it’s so healthy. I’m happy to have a solution to help me through this. Thank you!
I love that you actually know some one who uses “ the story I’m telling myself “… I’ve been using this for many years mostly because I know I’m not the only person who is having a _____ day. It helps me mostly bc I don’t have too many ways to check the facts and a long history of taking things personally
I had anxious attachment after my dad was killed in a work accident when I was 5...took me years and and a very wonderful counselor to get over it, but I finally did!!! 😊😊😊❤❤❤
Number 4, I tried that before and it helps so much. using the "I" statement instead of accusing and choosing the right words with honesty helped us communicate without any arguments
Ugh..All this crud came from an emotionally abusive, Severe neglect, constant abandonment from an Alcoholic Mother. I was finally taken away from her by the courts..at the age of six. Adopted by an incredible family, my Aunt and uncle. They gave me a "fairy tail childhood" yet the damage was done. I felt lonely, empty, invisible and depressed most of my childhood. I grew up in 60's and 70's where not much was know about Borderline Disorder or MDD. I was finally able to get on medication and therapy. I'm 62 now, still in therapy and on medication.. and due to intense fear and anxiety sabotaged yet another relationship..I feel destined to be alone.
I feel the same with pretty much similar situation apart from never been adopted and having to live thru the nightmare till I was able to afford my own place, now suffering bipolar social anxiety and substance use
Hey @elianad2083, I recently got diagnosed with bpd at 25 and would love some of your insight to it, having lived with it so long. When I'm not around other people I constantly worry about having done something that will make them leave me, being alone is terrifying. I always have this feeling of emptiness too, the only way to fill the void is by getting loved, complimented or praised by other people. Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this? Wish u all the best.
I’ve built such a bad trauma bond and anxious attachment with certain people from the past and it still hurts me like it happened yesterday and it actually happened years ago and I feel like everything triggers something from the past for me 😢but with these videos and other things I’m trying to be better version of me
So glad I'm not alone here. I just got dumped from my severely avoidant girlfriend because my disorganized attachment was "too much" for her too handle. All I wanted was consistent communication!
I'm suffering from emotional neglect, I have an anxious attachment style, and major depressive disorder. I've been alone for the past 16 years since my last relationship. I've been seeing a psychologist to help with all of this but healing after being alone for so long is a messy process. I wanted to thank you for making this video. I relate to all these signs all to well. That's just the cost of loneliness and never having a secure attachment. What would you say to someone who excessively disassociates to intentionally avoid that bonding experience? Thank you for your videos and the time you put into them. It has really made a difference to me.
Reining in the spirals is sooo tough. Thanks for posting! This is me 100% all the time. During a recent spiral, my therapist was directing me to do the opposite of what I was thinking, lol.
My father had a hair trigger anger problem and scared me to death when i was little, so eggshells.... i tend to bend my own will to any attachments i have out of my subconscious fear of causing anger. I do everything for everyone and anytime i feel slighted i convince myself that its my own fault. I realized all this about 8 years ago and decided to stay single because i needed to take care of myself. Well a week ago i thought i was ready to start dating and after a few dates that went really well i felt that subconscious anxious attachment feeling start to resurface and made me realize i am totally not ready.
I have the same upbringing the only emotion my dad displayed was anger 99% of the time. Or he'd be cold hearted and isolated. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get a women.
Though therapy I am learning so much about my emotions and awareness when it comes to how I am in many things, like thoughts, how I speak, how I act etc... I will admit sometimes I am not aware straight away but I am getting better at it (but after 40 years of how I was I know it will take the time I am an anxious person in many ways, but also have BPD). Ur videos and other mental health channels on here have also helped so much.
Wow, this is so powerful and helpful. Each one of these areas apply to me and I love how you give such practical suggestions to deal with these ingrained ways of responding. I watch your videos often and this is most definitely one of my favorites. I will come back to it repeatedly because I need constant reminders to keep myself on track. Thank you for the work you do.
Unhealthy relationships or unhealthy friendships trigger me bad. Healthy relationships and healthy friendships make me feel good. Sometimes I feel I have anxious attachment and sometimes I don't. I feel as I've become self aware. I delete peoples number's if I feel I am texting them too much. I never want anyone to tell me to give them space.
I have a severe anxious attachment to the point of obsession. In the past, I've stalked my lovers, tried to unalive the "threats", and if I couldn't do that, I would try to unalive myself or even my lover. As you can tell, I feel rage when I don't feel secure and then make it everyone's problem. All because my parents emotionally neglected me when I was younger Thankfully, I've become aware of it now, and made steps to improve it. Like thinking if it's worth unaliving myself or others. And I'm trying to allow my fiance to have friends. But ironically, he also has an anxious attachment and so does our girlfriend. I have no idea how that happened lol
While I appreciate the psychobabble videos just the same I appreciate this down to earth approach speak as well. Thank you Kati. Just found you and I’m glad!
I'm working on this. Often happens that I'm like "why weren't they like they usually are today? are they sick or me now? it must be me" on repeat. I try to tell myself that everyone has their own stuff going on and I know I have a tendency to react extremely sometimes. It doesn't help the ruminating thoughts in the moment, but it does keep me from acting out and in the long run I think I have gotten slightly better with dealing with stuff.
what really sucks is when you have the "confront your negative thoughts" reflection and feel guilty for having those thoughts... and then it turns out you were right all along. it happens to me too many times.
You choose to by being self aware about how your triggered emotions affect the people you love when you display them outwardly. Needy and pushing away. Gotta have a sense of awareness and choose, despite internal pressure, to NOT act on your fears and ride it out until your tremendous anxiety goes away. I've stopped this myself, not faking myself, but, I don't let my anxiety attached to loss control me I choose to accept that I can lose anyone
My wife is not calling me from the nursing home and I am getting scared. Maybe she is incapacitated or maybe something happened. The thing is, I have reached the point where I think people should give me an answer. Everyone saw me in therapy and what I was like there: “oh, we’ll just ignore John until he doesn’t care”.
When I feel unliked or devalued - instead of getting mad, I just ignore them for a few days. Even if they weren't angry to me. A txt takes 3 seconds n if my bf can't txt hey all day - I ignore him as he won't care if I confront him kindly about it. I let myself cool down n process my emotions so I can respond n not react. If that makes sense I just remove myself but I'm always so sure he's done with me. Gotta sit with that feeling of anxiety a bit so next time it won't bother me so much 🙃🙂❣️ *It feels safer to just disappear when he refuse respect me/my time/my emotional needs.
Oof cringiest thing I’ve done in an attachment was early on with my ex, really thinking I was landing someone “totally out of my league” and I don’t want to say I was desperate to have her in my life as a significant other but I was REALLY wanting to impress her and in the first month or 2 didn’t spend much time with my friends while in the “honeymoon phase” I told her there were at least 2 of my friends, my 2 best friends, that she was going to have to meet eventually, and if she didn’t like them or something like that I wasn’t sure what I’d do, I didn’t vocalize that not wanting her to think I was giving down an ultimatum rather than just more of like “these 2 are my bros, have been and will be, so you should get to know them.” We ended up having one of the 2 over, drinks happened, we started playing some truth or drink, and it evolved into all of us openly talking about kinks and was super akward as said friend was chronically single and not sexually active… He still gives me a little friendly banter about her as she broke my heart about 7 months later.
Thank you for your explanations and it's good that you have examples so we can understand better i didn't realise what i was doing, why I was turning into Sherlock Holmes,
I never knew I had this till i was in my 1st relationship where I had alot of anxiety I never knew I had Ive got so much to reflect on, learn, heal and work on Its so hard just to admit to myself I have a problem or triggered so easily and im going to use these tips to help me Thank you
Can we please get a similar video about avoidant attachment? This was great but I´d love to have more information about the other side of the coin :) Thank you!
Thanks Kati! Can you do a similar video about how to stop being avoidant, especially when your partner is anxious? I really want to avoid the “anxious-avoidant trap”, as it is called, and make my relationship work. It just seems so hard sometimes… 😞
Just a quick thought......i enjoy many of Kati's videos, on various topics. However-- (since this is about Psychology and therapy), we hear ALOT these days, online, from several therapists alllll about: Trauma Bonding and Attachment styles.........Ssooooo much so, that I hafta ask: Whatever happened to Psychology and discussing Personality Disorders? In the 60s and 70's, it was all about Anxiety or being psychotic. In the 70's and 80's, it was all about DEPRESSION and Anxiety. Then, in the 90's, we were introduced to "Co-Dependency"...and somehow, i keep having this feeling that Trauma bonding and attachment styles branched-off from that. Did they? Maybe not. Maybe they were simply new things that arose in the 90's....but anyway, they seem (quite strongly) to have "taken over" therapy (and youtube) along with, of course, Narcissism. Whatever happened to Depression? and Anxiety? and meds for them? and their side effects? or Haldol and totally wacko folks? Why dont we hear more about those, and-- 1. Workaholism or obsession w/productivity 2. Anhedonia 3. Dependent personality disorder 4. Agoraphobia 5. Ever hear of "Hebephrenic Schizophrenia"? No one talks about it anymore. In the mid 70's, therapists knew of it. 6. or what about people who "receive mesages" or hear voices. Thats alot. Yet, it has all taken a "severe back seat" to trauma bonding, attachment styles and narcissism which are "all-the-rage" these days. (shrug)
Before watching the rest of this, I already more deeply understand my father. He used to lean over Mom’s hood or stand behind/in front of her car when trying to make a point, win an argument or just keep her from leaving. My sister and I have been in the car for this stuff... and I actually feel like defining an anxious attachment for Dad sort of humanizes it for me. He also remarried a woman who did similar things. Is it possible for an anxious attachment to become so pervasive that it fosters narcissistic tendencies?
Thanks for the video. I was planning to show this to my nephew. I think it would be helpful if in the beginning anxious attachment is explained for those who are not familiar with therapy. Thanks
I have avoidant PD and disorganized attachment. My marriage to someone with BPD was very anxious. I feared her leaving me, and she did. It felt like my biggest supporter gave up on me.
I tried these things with several of my friends. I would tell them what I needed and they would get even more distant. I feel like asking for things or telling them what I needed put them on the defensive and made them even less likely to contact me in the future. I got hurt so many times by them and their behavior that I feel like this is one of the reasons my anxioux attachment got worse. What do you do when you ask for what you want and that person rejects you because of it? I've lost so many friends and now that I'm just starting to make new ones, it's ramping up again. Bottom line: I'm afraid to ask for what I want because I feel like it pushes people away 😢
I totally get it. It has to be the right tone and we'll I have friends that if I did that they would run. So they aren't in the category of acquaintances. I have learned the hard way to accept them for what they can give. Also doing ACA and CODA helps...Zoom meetings. You'll feel less alone. I have to be my own loving parent. Keep my expectations low do I don't get disappointed.
Yah no alone mate iv also spiraled a lot and everyday is tough not to spiral but you and me both are trying to be more self aware of how we can be better and that’s gotta be a step in the right direction
To have anxious attachment you have to be with somebody, have to have someone. I have ASD level 2 diagnosis. I have no one. I have anxiety, but not much attachment. And more importantly, I'm not even sure I want anyone anymore.
Just get some plants and take care of them. Learn how to make them happy and what they want. Happiness comes from taking care of something else and not from wanting to get something or be taken care of by someone.
I can’t get help from the local doctors and the local mental health services said they can’t help me unless I see a doctor. What am I supposed to do? I feel like only rich people who can afford help or criminals who are automatically given help are the only ones who seem to matter.
I have a question. How do you know when it's your anxiety vs. your gut/intuition? I ask because sometimes the stories that I tell myself end up being true or I end up being right. Other times It's just an overreaction. But it all comes from a state of anxiety.
I think I can give you an example. Let's say you suspect your partner is cheating on you like your ex did. You would ask yourself these questions. Have they become emotionally distant? Are they dressing up more the usual? Or are they staying out late? Have you seen any texts? Do they get mad when you express your concerns? Or are they accusing you of cheating? If they are showing all of these signs then it's your gut feeling. However, if they came home late because of traffic and you don't give them a chance to explain themselves and then start searching their car to find nothing, then that's your anxiety. I hope that explained it. My apologies if it didn't
I kind of disagree with tip 4. I understand if it happens more than once but sometimes you have to be rational and think and not just communicate everything you feel and put it on other people.
I have a question (or a few) that I would love anyone's input on-- when we're trying to challenge our negative thoughts using evidence, how do you also avoid obsessive rumination while trying to prove/disprove our fears (aka still going full Sherlock to reassure yourself, but feeling justified bc you're doing it "therapeutically")? in my experience, evidence is subjective, and can be used to uphold any story you want to tell yourself, good or bad. how do we teach ourselves that yeah, the worst case scenario might not be the truth - but even if it is, it's okay? bc sometimes your gut actually is right, and denying every bad feeling can be a dangerous way we ignore legitimate red flags... AND... how do you avoiding using evidence like a drug to make you feel better when the actual source (this person's direct, explicit affection) is not available for whatever reason? I am anxious-leaning, but I use most of the skills in this video because I just developed them over the years, so it's pretty well managed. my spirals affect me, but they don't affect others that much. but one of the things that I do when I notice myself start to spiral is to question those "worst case scenarios", then look for evidence that will comfort me - I will often go back through text messages with that person from when they were being affectionate, and I swear the only journal practice I do without fail is the practice of writing down positive memories with these people I love, specifically so that I can return to them when I start to doubt the love. On the one hand, it is nice, and it does help. on the other hand - it makes me feel like I'm kind of fueling an obsession/addiction. I also have ADHD, and the limerence is strong in this one. I feel like I shouldn't NEED to read a play-by-play of that wonderful date we had in order to be okay, I shouldn't NEED to know that they love me, and my healing goals should be oriented around accepting and not spiraling - EVEN if they are legitimately mad or bored with you, even if your fears are true. I should be able to be happy, I should be able to sleep, even without that reassurance. maybe it's just a matter of learning to simply become more comfortable with uncertainty, but idk how. but just wanted to note that the "evidence" thing can be kind of a slippery slope in my experience. I think it's a really good tool to at least disrupt the "worst case scenario" assumptions and remind yourself that you don't actually know shit, especially if you have a history of being 100000% convinced that every worst fear is the truth. but I struggle to see what comes next.
Oh my gosh, can we be friends lol??? I am almost crying reading your comment because these are the exact things I struggle with daily. I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and in many ways it has been a hellish experience with the constant rumination, examining the "evidence" like the world's longest court case, the fear and the anxiety. Before we got together, I avoided relationships for over two decades because the last one sent me into the mental hospital, and the one previous also sent me into the mental hospital twice. Two days ago, I thought I had real evidence that he was cheating on me and it was almost like an out of body experience. I'm not even sure how to describe it, but it was almost like watching my soul leave my body and I was struggling to keep my sanity while watching myself die but yet my body would keep on living. I am doing a lot better today thankfully. My boyfriend actually lives about 100 feet away from me in another apartment and this makes it a million times worse. He has to walk past my apartment to get to his car and I never get a break from thinking about him. Will he stop by and say hello? What does it mean if he doesn't? Then, obviously, if he can't be bothered to walk a few steps to say hello, he doesn't care about me. Why doesn't he ask me back to his apartment when he just walked past my window and knows I'm sitting home alone? Etc, etc, etc,. I have notebooks of evidence "proving' both sides, that he loves me and doesn't love me. One major complication in all of this is that he is schizophrenic who has experienced extreme child abuse trauma, although thankfully not the paranoid type (unlike my grandmother, who lived with us when I was a child and would tell my mom that I would stand over her bed at night with a knife in my hand). So not only do I have to manage my constant inner conflict and ongoing court case, I also have to navigate his headspace and inhabit his way of thinking and reality to try and understand why he said a certain something or behaved a certain way. One thing that has helped me is making a notebook with all the positive things about our relationship, and all the ways it has brought me joy and happiness. But the nagging thoughts are always there. What if the worst-case scenario is correct, or materializes? How do I know if my gut intuition is talking to me or is it my anxiety, catastrophic thinking, over-thinking, etc.? So now I am wanting to make a new notebook and journal on self-esteem, self-acceptance, and confidence. And this is where your comment really hit me. I'm finally realizing that I must get to the point of being ok if my relationship blows up and my worst fears come true. I see no other way out of this mental hellscape other than to find radical acceptance that one day my worst fears might become reality, or, even more radical, my worst fears might be correct right now. As a side note, I had always believed that I kept my inner turmoil well hidden. So one day a couple weeks ago I was talking to my boyfriend and made some comment, lightly kind of questioning why he said something the way he did. Then he was like "there you go again, over-thinking everything." I was shocked. Then I immediately started debating within myself if this belonged in the "he loves me" notebook, or the "he doesn't love me" notebook. On the one hand, this was positive, right? He has noticed a fundamental "quirk" of mine. He has been paying attention. On the other hand, it could be negative. Maybe he is annoyed and sick of dealing with me. Maybe he is done with me altogether. Now I need to be very cautious with my comments so he will be assured that I am not any kind of trouble or annoyance in his life. On the other hand, maybe this is an endearing quality? Afterall, he must realize that I only overthink because I care so much. No, he doesn't realize jacksh**t, this is someone who believes the moon is a hologram. And now I am a crap person, because I am remembering how I have led him to believe that I, too, believe the moon is a hologram so now let's think for the next two hours about the ethics of validating versus not validating a Schizophrenic person's delusions. Or maybe I should just try some drugs to escape this prison??? LOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Since attachment style can't be changed (it being defined during childhood), what is the criteria for affecting the permanent change required to relieve oneself?
I have a question for the therapist people out there is normal to still want to call your loved one recently passed away My dad passed away September 2023 and I always find my self wanting to call him and such
I say f@#kem if they want to piss you around , yes things happen , but when its consistent goose chasing or being messed around , you have to draw a line , nobody should be held on a string ,I seem to be always the one apologising or reaching out , not no more , communication is key , it's not being needy, its basic respect ! Spouses are meant to be your best friend, not a shallow , egotistical player . Drama ! Bye Bye !
6. Be kind to yourself. When you feel nervous, when you panic, even when you think you did the wrong thing. Just be kind to yourself in general. Punishing yourself for feeling the way you feel wont stop it, wont prevent such feelings, wont make a bad move magically undone (forgive yourself instead, we all make mistakes. And yes, also over and over again) and punishment is also no help, not even for the other person (if they have good intentions)
i get most anxious over broken established patterns just like your friend with hugging. it has caused alot of anguish, because my partner now feels like she has to be perfect all the time and never have an off day or i’ll spiral. 🥲 she’s not wrong… and i hate that i’m like this. i hate being on high alert 24/7 for changes in tone and behavior. it’s exhausting..
I thought my anxious attachment was a personality disorder for years. No therapist has ever been fully comfortable giving me a personality disorder diagnosis. I believe this is the answer. I have an extreme anxious attachment that has been worse in certain times/relationships in my life. I show very little signs of any issues with my current relationship because it’s so healthy. I’m happy to have a solution to help me through this. Thank you!
I love that you actually know some one who uses “ the story I’m telling myself “… I’ve been using this for many years mostly because I know I’m not the only person who is having a _____ day. It helps me mostly bc I don’t have too many ways to check the facts and a long history of taking things personally
Needed this one. Lost friends and intimate relationships to anxious attachment. Makes me sad to be this way. Trying to work on it. Thank you.
I had anxious attachment after my dad was killed in a work accident when I was 5...took me years and and a very wonderful counselor to get over it, but I finally did!!! 😊😊😊❤❤❤
The most sensible I've heard on the topic, and I've heard a lot. She clearly gets it
Number 4, I tried that before and it helps so much. using the "I" statement instead of accusing and choosing the right words with honesty helped us communicate without any arguments
Ugh..All this crud came from an emotionally abusive, Severe neglect, constant abandonment from an Alcoholic Mother. I was finally taken away from her by the courts..at the age of six. Adopted by an incredible family, my Aunt and uncle. They gave me a "fairy tail childhood" yet the damage was done. I felt lonely, empty, invisible and depressed most of my childhood. I grew up in 60's and 70's where not much was know about Borderline Disorder or MDD. I was finally able to get on medication and therapy. I'm 62 now, still in therapy and on medication.. and due to intense fear and anxiety sabotaged yet another relationship..I feel destined to be alone.
I feel the same with pretty much similar situation apart from never been adopted and having to live thru the nightmare till I was able to afford my own place, now suffering bipolar social anxiety and substance use
Hey @elianad2083, I recently got diagnosed with bpd at 25 and would love some of your insight to it, having lived with it so long.
When I'm not around other people I constantly worry about having done something that will make them leave me, being alone is terrifying. I always have this feeling of emptiness too, the only way to fill the void is by getting loved, complimented or praised by other people.
Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this? Wish u all the best.
@@Nicole-yf5ushi Nicole. Pls try Jesus. He is real.call out to him from your heart he will heal you❤
I’ve built such a bad trauma bond and anxious attachment with certain people from the past and it still hurts me like it happened yesterday and it actually happened years ago and I feel like everything triggers something from the past for me 😢but with these videos and other things I’m trying to be better version of me
same for me. one day at a time. i’m definitely better now, though. self love is why
So glad I'm not alone here. I just got dumped from my severely avoidant girlfriend because my disorganized attachment was "too much" for her too handle. All I wanted was consistent communication!
Yes i also want consistent communication*
I'm suffering from emotional neglect, I have an anxious attachment style, and major depressive disorder. I've been alone for the past 16 years since my last relationship.
I've been seeing a psychologist to help with all of this but healing after being alone for so long is a messy process. I wanted to thank you for making this video. I relate to all these signs all to well. That's just the cost of loneliness and never having a secure attachment.
What would you say to someone who excessively disassociates to intentionally avoid that bonding experience?
Thank you for your videos and the time you put into them. It has really made a difference to me.
Reining in the spirals is sooo tough. Thanks for posting! This is me 100% all the time. During a recent spiral, my therapist was directing me to do the opposite of what I was thinking, lol.
Jumping on the hood of a car! I'm not the only one, hahaha. So glad for healing 🥰😍🤩
I so appreciate hearing your honest experiences. I relate completely. Thank-you, Kati. 🙏
My father had a hair trigger anger problem and scared me to death when i was little, so eggshells.... i tend to bend my own will to any attachments i have out of my subconscious fear of causing anger. I do everything for everyone and anytime i feel slighted i convince myself that its my own fault.
I realized all this about 8 years ago and decided to stay single because i needed to take care of myself. Well a week ago i thought i was ready to start dating and after a few dates that went really well i felt that subconscious anxious attachment feeling start to resurface and made me realize i am totally not ready.
I have the same upbringing the only emotion my dad displayed was anger 99% of the time. Or he'd be cold hearted and isolated. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get a women.
Though therapy I am learning so much about my emotions and awareness when it comes to how I am in many things, like thoughts, how I speak, how I act etc... I will admit sometimes I am not aware straight away but I am getting better at it (but after 40 years of how I was I know it will take the time I am an anxious person in many ways, but also have BPD).
Ur videos and other mental health channels on here have also helped so much.
I have watched several of your videos, I value your opinion and the experience and your view and knowledge that you share.
Wow, this is so powerful and helpful. Each one of these areas apply to me and I love how you give such practical suggestions to deal with these ingrained ways of responding. I watch your videos often and this is most definitely one of my favorites. I will come back to it repeatedly because I need constant reminders to keep myself on track. Thank you for the work you do.
Unhealthy relationships or unhealthy friendships trigger me bad. Healthy relationships and healthy friendships make me feel good. Sometimes I feel I have anxious attachment and sometimes I don't. I feel as I've become self aware. I delete peoples number's if I feel I am texting them too much. I never want anyone to tell me to give them space.
Just took two pages of notes on this video. I’ll be taking notes with a lot of your videos. So much help, thank you so much.
Thanks for this Kati!
As long as you’re aware of it and keep it in check with coping skills, anxious attachment can actually help you maintain a strong relationship.
I have a severe anxious attachment to the point of obsession. In the past, I've stalked my lovers, tried to unalive the "threats", and if I couldn't do that, I would try to unalive myself or even my lover. As you can tell, I feel rage when I don't feel secure and then make it everyone's problem. All because my parents emotionally neglected me when I was younger
Thankfully, I've become aware of it now, and made steps to improve it. Like thinking if it's worth unaliving myself or others. And I'm trying to allow my fiance to have friends. But ironically, he also has an anxious attachment and so does our girlfriend. I have no idea how that happened lol
While I appreciate the psychobabble videos just the same I appreciate this down to earth approach speak as well. Thank you Kati. Just found you and I’m glad!
I'm working on this. Often happens that I'm like "why weren't they like they usually are today? are they sick or me now? it must be me" on repeat. I try to tell myself that everyone has their own stuff going on and I know I have a tendency to react extremely sometimes. It doesn't help the ruminating thoughts in the moment, but it does keep me from acting out and in the long run I think I have gotten slightly better with dealing with stuff.
“I” statements make me sound selfish. But this was a great video. Only cried twice EDIT: rewatched and cried a third time :)
what really sucks is when you have the "confront your negative thoughts" reflection and feel guilty for having those thoughts... and then it turns out you were right all along. it happens to me too many times.
You choose to by being self aware about how your triggered emotions affect the people you love when you display them outwardly. Needy and pushing away. Gotta have a sense of awareness and choose, despite internal pressure, to NOT act on your fears and ride it out until your tremendous anxiety goes away. I've stopped this myself, not faking myself, but, I don't let my anxiety attached to loss control me I choose to accept that I can lose anyone
My wife is not calling me from the nursing home and I am getting scared. Maybe she is incapacitated or maybe something happened. The thing is, I have reached the point where I think people should give me an answer. Everyone saw me in therapy and what I was like there: “oh, we’ll just ignore John until he doesn’t care”.
Welp, I now have no doubt I'm anxiously attached.
Thank you so much Kati ❤
You are so welcome!
When I feel unliked or devalued - instead of getting mad, I just ignore them for a few days. Even if they weren't angry to me. A txt takes 3 seconds n if my bf can't txt hey all day - I ignore him as he won't care if I confront him kindly about it. I let myself cool down n process my emotions so I can respond n not react. If that makes sense I just remove myself but I'm always so sure he's done with me. Gotta sit with that feeling of anxiety a bit so next time it won't bother me so much 🙃🙂❣️
*It feels safer to just disappear when he refuse respect me/my time/my emotional needs.
Thank you for these videos.They are so helpful ❤
You are so welcome!
Oof cringiest thing I’ve done in an attachment was early on with my ex, really thinking I was landing someone “totally out of my league” and I don’t want to say I was desperate to have her in my life as a significant other but I was REALLY wanting to impress her and in the first month or 2 didn’t spend much time with my friends while in the “honeymoon phase”
I told her there were at least 2 of my friends, my 2 best friends, that she was going to have to meet eventually, and if she didn’t like them or something like that I wasn’t sure what I’d do, I didn’t vocalize that not wanting her to think I was giving down an ultimatum rather than just more of like “these 2 are my bros, have been and will be, so you should get to know them.”
We ended up having one of the 2 over, drinks happened, we started playing some truth or drink, and it evolved into all of us openly talking about kinks and was super akward as said friend was chronically single and not sexually active…
He still gives me a little friendly banter about her as she broke my heart about 7 months later.
Thank you for your explanations and it's good that you have examples so we can understand better i didn't realise what i was doing, why I was turning into Sherlock Holmes,
Glad it was helpful!
I never knew I had this till i was in my 1st relationship where I had alot of anxiety I never knew I had
Ive got so much to reflect on, learn, heal and work on
Its so hard just to admit to myself I have a problem or triggered so easily and im going to use these tips to help me
Thank you
Good info
Can we please get a similar video about avoidant attachment? This was great but I´d love to have more information about the other side of the coin :) Thank you!
That shirt looks amazing
Came across this and I wish I had found it moths ago if not years. I just hope I haven't messed up my relationship too much to allow me to use these.
I guilty at lot of the stuff you said I'm getting better but some stuff I still struggle with❤
Thanks Kati! Can you do a similar video about how to stop being avoidant, especially when your partner is anxious? I really want to avoid the “anxious-avoidant trap”, as it is called, and make my relationship work. It just seems so hard sometimes… 😞
Just a quick thought......i enjoy many of Kati's videos, on various topics. However-- (since this is about Psychology and therapy), we hear ALOT these days, online, from several therapists alllll about:
Trauma Bonding and
Attachment styles.........Ssooooo much so, that I hafta ask:
Whatever happened to Psychology and discussing Personality Disorders?
In the 60s and 70's, it was all about Anxiety or being psychotic.
In the 70's and 80's, it was all about DEPRESSION and Anxiety.
Then, in the 90's, we were introduced to "Co-Dependency"...and somehow, i keep having this feeling that Trauma bonding and attachment styles branched-off from that. Did they? Maybe not. Maybe they were simply new things that arose in the 90's....but anyway, they seem (quite strongly) to have "taken over" therapy (and youtube) along with, of course, Narcissism.
Whatever happened to Depression? and Anxiety? and meds for them? and their side effects?
or Haldol and totally wacko folks?
Why dont we hear more about those, and--
1. Workaholism or obsession w/productivity
2. Anhedonia
3. Dependent personality disorder
4. Agoraphobia
5. Ever hear of "Hebephrenic Schizophrenia"? No one talks about it anymore. In the mid 70's, therapists knew of it.
6. or what about people who "receive mesages" or hear voices.
Thats alot. Yet, it has all taken a "severe back seat" to trauma bonding, attachment styles and narcissism which are "all-the-rage" these days. (shrug)
And Borderline personality disorder..
They used to advise nicotine to lower the volume of voices but it ran afoul of the correctors.
Thank you Kati what for us doing, your videa always me helping how with settle with mental health.
Before watching the rest of this, I already more deeply understand my father. He used to lean over Mom’s hood or stand behind/in front of her car when trying to make a point, win an argument or just keep her from leaving. My sister and I have been in the car for this stuff... and I actually feel like defining an anxious attachment for Dad sort of humanizes it for me. He also remarried a woman who did similar things.
Is it possible for an anxious attachment to become so pervasive that it fosters narcissistic tendencies?
Thanks for the video. I was planning to show this to my nephew. I think it would be helpful if in the beginning anxious attachment is explained for those who are not familiar with therapy. Thanks
I have avoidant PD and disorganized attachment. My marriage to someone with BPD was very anxious. I feared her leaving me, and she did. It felt like my biggest supporter gave up on me.
I tried these things with several of my friends. I would tell them what I needed and they would get even more distant. I feel like asking for things or telling them what I needed put them on the defensive and made them even less likely to contact me in the future. I got hurt so many times by them and their behavior that I feel like this is one of the reasons my anxioux attachment got worse. What do you do when you ask for what you want and that person rejects you because of it? I've lost so many friends and now that I'm just starting to make new ones, it's ramping up again. Bottom line: I'm afraid to ask for what I want because I feel like it pushes people away 😢
I totally get it. It has to be the right tone and we'll I have friends that if I did that they would run. So they aren't in the category of acquaintances. I have learned the hard way to accept them for what they can give. Also doing ACA and CODA helps...Zoom meetings. You'll feel less alone. I have to be my own loving parent. Keep my expectations low do I don't get disappointed.
now it's weird if if their giving you mixed feelings & barely explain how they truly feel, especially if their a narcassist
From Ireland here love your videos. Im constantly spiralling over my girlfriend and self sabotaging. ( i think). Hard to know. Love your videos!!
Yah no alone mate iv also spiraled a lot and everyday is tough not to spiral but you and me both are trying to be more self aware of how we can be better and that’s gotta be a step in the right direction
@joshuaaitken4659 cheers for the message bro
To have anxious attachment you have to be with somebody, have to have someone. I have ASD level 2 diagnosis. I have no one. I have anxiety, but not much attachment. And more importantly, I'm not even sure I want anyone anymore.
Just get some plants and take care of them. Learn how to make them happy and what they want. Happiness comes from taking care of something else and not from wanting to get something or be taken care of by someone.
I can’t get help from the local doctors and the local mental health services said they can’t help me unless I see a doctor. What am I supposed to do? I feel like only rich people who can afford help or criminals who are automatically given help are the only ones who seem to matter.
How about avoidant attachment??
What about them?
I have a question. How do you know when it's your anxiety vs. your gut/intuition? I ask because sometimes the stories that I tell myself end up being true or I end up being right. Other times It's just an overreaction. But it all comes from a state of anxiety.
I think I can give you an example. Let's say you suspect your partner is cheating on you like your ex did. You would ask yourself these questions. Have they become emotionally distant? Are they dressing up more the usual? Or are they staying out late? Have you seen any texts? Do they get mad when you express your concerns? Or are they accusing you of cheating?
If they are showing all of these signs then it's your gut feeling. However, if they came home late because of traffic and you don't give them a chance to explain themselves and then start searching their car to find nothing, then that's your anxiety. I hope that explained it. My apologies if it didn't
I’m a therapist and had a client with the anxious attachment style. Meets every single point you made! But they would never agree!
Does this typically related to BPD? Also, love your dress!
Great video Kati !
Glad you liked it!!
I am looking for the video where you say "you don't owe your parents anything"
Could you make a video about "disorganized attachment" too?
I kind of disagree with tip 4. I understand if it happens more than once but sometimes you have to be rational and think and not just communicate everything you feel and put it on other people.
I have a question (or a few) that I would love anyone's input on-- when we're trying to challenge our negative thoughts using evidence, how do you also avoid obsessive rumination while trying to prove/disprove our fears (aka still going full Sherlock to reassure yourself, but feeling justified bc you're doing it "therapeutically")? in my experience, evidence is subjective, and can be used to uphold any story you want to tell yourself, good or bad. how do we teach ourselves that yeah, the worst case scenario might not be the truth - but even if it is, it's okay? bc sometimes your gut actually is right, and denying every bad feeling can be a dangerous way we ignore legitimate red flags... AND... how do you avoiding using evidence like a drug to make you feel better when the actual source (this person's direct, explicit affection) is not available for whatever reason?
I am anxious-leaning, but I use most of the skills in this video because I just developed them over the years, so it's pretty well managed. my spirals affect me, but they don't affect others that much. but one of the things that I do when I notice myself start to spiral is to question those "worst case scenarios", then look for evidence that will comfort me - I will often go back through text messages with that person from when they were being affectionate, and I swear the only journal practice I do without fail is the practice of writing down positive memories with these people I love, specifically so that I can return to them when I start to doubt the love.
On the one hand, it is nice, and it does help. on the other hand - it makes me feel like I'm kind of fueling an obsession/addiction. I also have ADHD, and the limerence is strong in this one. I feel like I shouldn't NEED to read a play-by-play of that wonderful date we had in order to be okay, I shouldn't NEED to know that they love me, and my healing goals should be oriented around accepting and not spiraling - EVEN if they are legitimately mad or bored with you, even if your fears are true. I should be able to be happy, I should be able to sleep, even without that reassurance.
maybe it's just a matter of learning to simply become more comfortable with uncertainty, but idk how. but just wanted to note that the "evidence" thing can be kind of a slippery slope in my experience. I think it's a really good tool to at least disrupt the "worst case scenario" assumptions and remind yourself that you don't actually know shit, especially if you have a history of being 100000% convinced that every worst fear is the truth. but I struggle to see what comes next.
Oh my gosh, can we be friends lol??? I am almost crying reading your comment because these are the exact things I struggle with daily. I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and in many ways it has been a hellish experience with the constant rumination, examining the "evidence" like the world's longest court case, the fear and the anxiety. Before we got together, I avoided relationships for over two decades because the last one sent me into the mental hospital, and the one previous also sent me into the mental hospital twice.
Two days ago, I thought I had real evidence that he was cheating on me and it was almost like an out of body experience. I'm not even sure how to describe it, but it was almost like watching my soul leave my body and I was struggling to keep my sanity while watching myself die but yet my body would keep on living. I am doing a lot better today thankfully.
My boyfriend actually lives about 100 feet away from me in another apartment and this makes it a million times worse. He has to walk past my apartment to get to his car and I never get a break from thinking about him. Will he stop by and say hello? What does it mean if he doesn't? Then, obviously, if he can't be bothered to walk a few steps to say hello, he doesn't care about me. Why doesn't he ask me back to his apartment when he just walked past my window and knows I'm sitting home alone? Etc, etc, etc,. I have notebooks of evidence "proving' both sides, that he loves me and doesn't love me.
One major complication in all of this is that he is schizophrenic who has experienced extreme child abuse trauma, although thankfully not the paranoid type (unlike my grandmother, who lived with us when I was a child and would tell my mom that I would stand over her bed at night with a knife in my hand). So not only do I have to manage my constant inner conflict and ongoing court case, I also have to navigate his headspace and inhabit his way of thinking and reality to try and understand why he said a certain something or behaved a certain way.
One thing that has helped me is making a notebook with all the positive things about our relationship, and all the ways it has brought me joy and happiness. But the nagging thoughts are always there. What if the worst-case scenario is correct, or materializes? How do I know if my gut intuition is talking to me or is it my anxiety, catastrophic thinking, over-thinking, etc.? So now I am wanting to make a new notebook and journal on self-esteem, self-acceptance, and confidence. And this is where your comment really hit me. I'm finally realizing that I must get to the point of being ok if my relationship blows up and my worst fears come true. I see no other way out of this mental hellscape other than to find radical acceptance that one day my worst fears might become reality, or, even more radical, my worst fears might be correct right now.
As a side note, I had always believed that I kept my inner turmoil well hidden. So one day a couple weeks ago I was talking to my boyfriend and made some comment, lightly kind of questioning why he said something the way he did. Then he was like "there you go again, over-thinking everything." I was shocked. Then I immediately started debating within myself if this belonged in the "he loves me" notebook, or the "he doesn't love me" notebook. On the one hand, this was positive, right? He has noticed a fundamental "quirk" of mine. He has been paying attention. On the other hand, it could be negative. Maybe he is annoyed and sick of dealing with me. Maybe he is done with me altogether. Now I need to be very cautious with my comments so he will be assured that I am not any kind of trouble or annoyance in his life. On the other hand, maybe this is an endearing quality? Afterall, he must realize that I only overthink because I care so much. No, he doesn't realize jacksh**t, this is someone who believes the moon is a hologram. And now I am a crap person, because I am remembering how I have led him to believe that I, too, believe the moon is a hologram so now let's think for the next two hours about the ethics of validating versus not validating a Schizophrenic person's delusions. Or maybe I should just try some drugs to escape this prison??? LOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
I started listening to you cause you kinda look like my recent ex! 😅 I’m glad it’s something helpful:)
I love you ❤
Can anxious attachment also be linked to keeping people at a distance as you feel that they will eventually go or see the real you and leave?
Since attachment style can't be changed (it being defined during childhood), what is the criteria for affecting the permanent change required to relieve oneself?
I have anxious detachment I freak out when they come close
What if you feel like your therapist is going to give up on you?
The best part is if you pause at 4:16. Someone turn Kati into a meme.😂
I have a question for the therapist people out there is normal to still want to call your loved one recently passed away
My dad passed away September 2023 and I always find my self wanting to call him and such
I say f@#kem if they want to piss you around , yes things happen , but when its consistent goose chasing or being messed around , you have to draw a line , nobody should be held on a string ,I seem to be always the one apologising or reaching out , not no more , communication is key , it's not being needy, its basic respect ! Spouses are meant to be your best friend, not a shallow , egotistical player . Drama ! Bye Bye !
I’m trying to watch the video and there’s a voice over in Portuguese. I can’t understand the reason. Anyone else? And how can I listen in English?
6. Be kind to yourself. When you feel nervous, when you panic, even when you think you did the wrong thing. Just be kind to yourself in general.
Punishing yourself for feeling the way you feel wont stop it, wont prevent such feelings, wont make a bad move magically undone (forgive yourself instead, we all make mistakes. And yes, also over and over again) and punishment is also no help, not even for the other person (if they have good intentions)
❤
I suffer with all of this n it’s aweful
Uh oh.
I appreciate the video a lot but the shirt drives me crazy lol
i get most anxious over broken established patterns just like your friend with hugging. it has caused alot of anguish, because my partner now feels like she has to be perfect all the time and never have an off day or i’ll spiral. 🥲 she’s not wrong… and i hate that i’m like this. i hate being on high alert 24/7 for changes in tone and behavior. it’s exhausting..