10 Signs You Grew Up In A Narcissistic Family System
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 13 ก.ค. 2024
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1. Scapegoat : Everyone dotes over your narcissistic parent, except you.
"Narcissistic Partners : Unconsciously support Narcissist's false reality"
2. Narcissistic do not communicate with their family in a normal way.
3. Siblings have a different version of the past.
4. Narcissistic family systems have no boundaries.
5. Narcissistic parents speak terribly about the scapegoat.
6. Love is conditional and needs to be earned.
7. Narcissistic family systems promote competition instead of cooperation.
8. You notice small behaviors in children when they don't feel safe; fawning or freezing.
9. Narcissistic family systems always implement triangulation.
10. Narcissistic family systems are run by control vs love.
Thanks. This is 100% all true.
Thank you.
Michelle, I’m a 52 year old woman and was raised by a narc mom. She STILL tries to control with money and humiliated me in front of family. My brothers wife is also a narc and she loves seeing me in pain. I don’t know what to do. The family all blames me and says I’m the problem. I’m a peacemaker and an empath. I need help.
Can you remove yourself from contact with these people? I’ve had to do it, and my entire nervous system has released and relaxed. Healing is taking place.
As long as I was in contact with the narcs, I was constantly hurt and couldn’t heal. I encourage you to take some time away from your abusers. ❤
@@1DaTJo I appreciate your response. I do remove myself as much as possible then they get upset and say I’m the problem. They have a family group chat and now I remain silent as well. That will also be a problem to them. I can’t win no matter what I try. But I am staying away as much as possible. I’m glad you’re healing. ♥️
I would encourage you to choose you. You deserve to have a good life. You deserve to feel safe, seen, heard, loved. You deserve to be free. Choose you. You’re inner child deserves to be chosen.🤍
@@stacies.4366 thank you so much, I did exactly that. God Bless you♥️🙏🏻
She took control of the finances and everything else. Her children feared her. Now as adults, they have nothing to do with her. Karma.
My mother used to look at me with real hate. I was so precocious that I wrote a book when I was eight, yet I was a frozen mess who couldn’t even talk to the other kids at school by the time I was 14.
I was demolished and rebuilt as an “indentured servant”, and I worked on my mother’s house and land from 6am until bedtime. The only time I was permitted to relax was when it rained. Therefore I love rain to this day.
I spent my entire life trying to be what she wanted me to be, even to my job. I feel really ripped off. My little brother couldn’t exist in this family, and he left this realm in 2001.
I’m still frozen. I can’t let people in. I can’t let go and just be me, when I’m around others. I wonder if I will ever have intimacy and love with anyone.
I need to tell you that over the past four years you have helped me a great deal Michele. You understand what it is like to be the scapegoat child, which i was, and yes it was horrific. I became the outcast, the scapegoat at the age of 3.5 years of age when my paternal grandfather came to live with us when his wife Lucy died. I vividly remember her funeral in Santa Rosa, Ca. in June 1958, when i was 3. The Funeral was in a small, and very old church, and I still carry it all with me, the sounds, atmosphere, colors, and raw emotions. I bonded with my grandmother through her love of feeding the field cats, and joy of gardening. I learned of death with when my mother told me of her passing as I looked at the curtains my grandmother had made for our new house in Los Gatos, Ca. Now it all went down hill to hell when my grandfather sought to punch me right in my face because i touched his fedora hat, which is all he had left. My mother stepped in, and stopped him from punching a 3 year old, and my mother demanded my father exile my grandfather to an old folks home. From that day forward my father did everything in his power to destroy me, until I was 38 when he thankfully died. My father was an elder in his church, and the front he put on was the polar opposite of what he was like behind closed doors. He took great pleasure in torturing me in every way conceivable. Funny, but I always believed in my artistic talent, and intelligence, he could never take that belief in myself from me, no matter how hard he tried. Here is where it gets good, When our college educated mother went into a month long comma at age 73 my two older brothers fought to off her for her wealth. The little brother, the family scapegoat knew exactly what they were, and hired a lawyer for my mother. Even though my older brothers and one sister-in-law were open about putting her in a cheap nursing home to kill her off with sepsis, I kept my mouth shut. My mother lawyer saved her from them, which allowed me to finish restoring her home in a wealthy enclave in Orange Country, Ca. I owed my mother for protecting me as best she could so I dedicated 15 years of my life to allow the truth to come out, and to give her peace. She died at almost 89 years of age. I have not seen or spoken to my golden child older brother in over 27 years, and have no intention of ever seeing him again. what you talk about Michele is tragically, and catastrophically all too real, and I know you understand that full well. thank you Michele for being a wonderful part of my healing process. Yes, You're That Good.
Your experience makes me think of the saying "You can't make this $hit up." When a narcissistic family has financial resources, it is sick and sad what happens when the inheritance/estate is on the table, or approaching the table. Just disgusting.
I also have art talent and emotional intelligence. They can't touch the gifts God gave us.
i have a family member that won't talk or even ask how I'm doing if I don't bring them something. I was always bringing them something so for years I never noticed this. One day i backed away as a test. never heard a peep. i felt like a d@mn fool 😩🤣. i let go
Growing up... My mother had convinced me that my father never loved me- so how could any other man possibly love you. She had convinced my sister that our father was dead ... I really needed to see this 🙏🙏🙏🙏
Incapable of love. Empathy impaired. Projected on to you.
Stay away for your own mental health
🔨 talk about hitting the nail on the head...
I am the scapegoat. I thought so. But this confirmed it for me
the feeling of being the scapegoat is undeniable
I’m also the family scapegoat.
Same within my own family and the ex bf’s family. I think I finally learned to see the red flags.
my narc mother pass away last year it was a relief dont miss my dad either he was toxic as well
cut ties with sister last year she is the mini me version of my mother you cant have peace whiles you have toxic people in your life remove from your life what doesn't serve you to make way for what does
"Explains but doesn't Excuse"
That is my mantra for 2024.
I LOVE your WORK!!
Healing my nervous system is reaping SUCH REWARDS!! THANK YOU THANK YOU!! ❤
Sadly, in our families who have this dysfunction, the narcissistic parents are the breadwinners who have amazing jobs, and the codependents are the ones who are at home or of a lesser job
There is a book that goes into detail about how PTSD affects the hippocampus and how your internal auto-biography can get overridden by the new narrative of who you are from the narc. He goes over some studies about POWs in war and Stockholm Syndrome. It also goes into something the author called pretraumatic stress disorder, where the constant anxiety produced from constantly worrying when the next shoe is going to drop. It's called The Indoctrinated Brain by Dr. Michael Nehls.
Thank you!! I am unbrainwashing. Sounds fitting🤗
i just found your content today and am so grateful for it. around the age of 13 my mental health took a steep decline and i never understood why, i believed i was fundamentally broken. at 18 i took myself to get a diagnosis because my parents always refused and i was diagnosed with BPD. my symptoms became a convenient way for my family to write off anything i had to say as “crazy” or “delusional” (their words, not mine, but eventually i began to describe myself that way too). i was the scapegoat of my family for my entire childhood and it took me 22 years to realize. gaining that awareness has completely changed my life for the better. it is painful coming to the conclusion that the people who were supposed to protect you caused you so much harm, but it’s liberating to remember and relearn who you truly are. thank you for your dedication to this topic, it is so very important to recognize and reclaim the reality that us cptsd survivors were never allowed to voice. ❤
My narcissistic mother threw away ( or lost ) all the grade school pictures my sister and I took back when we were kids. That's over 6 years of pictures from kindergarten through 6th grade. A total of 14 photos with classmates no where to be found today.
If you live in fear of your parents or parent every day it s a given you were in that kind of family dynamic. As soon as I graduated, I left/was packed and out the door.
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The first sign you mentioned.. The narcissistic parent does make their children believe the narcissistic parent is the greatest. The children don’t realize how dishonest the narcissistic parent is, therefore don’t see anything wrong with who they are. It is the parent that is not the narcissist that is seen as the bad person.
I continue to watch your videos even though I clued in to how dysfunctional my family of origin was years ago.. because I still gain new insights. I appreciate you interjecting in just the right way, that you have experienced this also. It adds so much. Thank you for all you do.
I was so tromatized by my mom that I wouldn’t talk and I went my hole life not talking at school I would just say what I had to but had no friends and I thought that something was wrong with me. I’m now going through my second divorce. I kept choosing people like my mom. Never letting anyone get close to me because I thought if they would get to know me they would think that something was wrong with me.
Thank you for articulating all of this. Your understanding and your ability to describe and explain the patterns of dysfunction, and recovery, are so helpful. Thank you Michele.
Thank you for your brilliant observations and advice. God bless you ❤
I was the youngest with two older sisters and came from the worst narcissistic family on the planet . All my mother cared about what other people think and my father ignored everyone and they both denied everything . In public my parents were the best and at home were the worst
Wow, the whole "competitiveness playing games" really resonated with me! My Mom's favorite game was "Trivial Pursuit" and she and my much older teenage siblings enjoyed pitting their knowledge against each other and me (a 7-10 year old child!!)
I was always impressed by her knowledge and somewhat in awe, but she also made fun of my lack of knowledge, and I always came away from the game feeling like a TOTAL failure.
You are not allowed to have true feelings, be human or have an identity of your own. Disengage. Family doesnt always mean blood.
Peace be with you 🙏💜✝️
Michelle, you do a great job!
Hello Michelle, long time no see you know I’ve healed from narcissism abuse a few years back, but we go way back. You know you’ve had a channel for quite a while and I’ve been watching you from the beginning and you’ve done so much beautiful work to help me, so I’m so glad to see that you’re still here foraging head with a message that needs to be hard, so thank you so much Michelle you have your self a wonderful new year
This does in fact run thru an entire family system, I saw it first hand. The last women I dated was a covert narcissist. She was the youngest of 4 siblings. When I finally met her mother and older sister it was an experience to say the least. The mother was a cold blooded narcissist....she would insult anyone and everyone right to their face. And she thought the 23 year old male orderly who helped her get around the hospital was trying to get in her pants!!! True! The older sister, was a bulldozer narcissist, and dominated every single conversation and every action when ever she was present. Being around them was an education in this disorder. It was also awful and very disheartening to be around. After that, I could see why my girlfriend had so many failed relationships.....I knew we didn't stand a chance either knowing all of this. Sad.
They live in a delusional fantasy world.
Thanks for actually articulating these monsters for who they are. It's like exposing corrupt politicians in the midst of extramarital affairs. Personally, I wish more of the guilty would see this and change after one viewing of this specific episode. Very well executed. Keep up the good work.
I'm impressed. Everything You say is true, thank You so much. 😊
Wow, Your video's are amazing ! I watch them already the whole afternoon - I do not feel the time passing ! I learn a lot ! Thank you ! ❤
Thank you Michelle 💖 You explain things in a way that helps me see and understand exactly what's going on. Like some of the things the narcs do in my life, I felt guilty and blamed myself but with these videos I see that I'm a victim of gaslighting, manipulation, and toxic narcissistic abuse.
P.S. Because of this episode, I will do the best I can to avoid turning into the blood brother I no longer speak to. I've begun to examine my own flaws planted by his traits explained within this piece. Thank you.
Thank you Michelle. I have a book “Complete C-PTSD workbook. And I have a hard time reading it by myself.
Such a great video! Unfortunately many psychologists and psychiatrists know nothing about what you are explaining here and this is very damaging cos they are the only ones recognised by the welfare system which has serious repercussions on victims! There can also be two narcissistic parents who act covertly and swap roles depending on the subjects and act as vicitms and abusers constantly and both are manipulative
I got my narcissist husbands family in church and they act like hollie than thou! Wolfs in sheeps clothing! Whats wrong with them! Seriously
Wow. I feel my partner grow up with an narcisista parent and he is so wounded as an adult.
Exhausting ❤ ownership choices mindset clarity
It on a much grander scale.
Exactly, the covid scam brought that out.
I'm glad I came across this just in time 💯 as a grown woman and a scapegoat of the family I see the truth and I find myself fighting against lies with my family I love them but I've learned that their very toxic and controlling once I learned I needed to get my mental emotional and spiritual health with God and God alone that's the only way I am able to survive .... There's a ficad that my family functions in and it's never the truth and they have fooled many family members and churches and church members it's sad and more than anything hurtful but I know God has my life under control even when my family's outta control .. God is Faithful thank you for sharing this because it helps a lot and brings clarity God bless you
Thank you for this very helpful video.
I suffer from c-PTSD and addiction because it’s the only way I know too cope because I never got the emotional support from my mother or from my family you can’t talk about feelings or emotions and when you ask questions they deny you support you gaslight you and they call you crazy and say that ain’t true and treat me and emotional neglect know how too cope so my porn addiction and I don’t know what too do and ontop of that religious trauma syndrome too narcissistic religious abuse
Okay I just hit the part about everyone having a different childhood experience in the home and well that hit home. My family weirdly to me admits the difficulty of the narcissist in the family but because they get more benefit both from the Narcissist and the extended family by playing happy family they gloss over it and do petty ugly things as 'revenge' to the narcissist and honestly anyone the narcissist has deemed lesser in the family (my original narcissist was a liberal SJW, a very respected public face). I hate what I have been put through but to me it's like being highly intelligent being the scapegoat causes more pain then those without those labels often find but I can't imagine who I'd be without either of those things. No I'm not falling into just being a scapegoat but I do acknowledge how much it has effected who I became in a life where the first 30 years I mostly only could see who I wasn't- I wasn't the person they tried to convince me I was. Everyone once in a while I'd like to be less smart same as I'd like to be less malformed in the head from abuse but then I realize I'm a pretty amazing person and the brains I was insulted and gaslit about are part of it as is the abuse I've survived. But I think I was first out of my abusive childhood home when I decided to like myself and who I was. I stumbled and it was sometimes hard to figure out in a world where people want you predefined but that was the single greatest concept I came up with back then that I hadn't even done anything that could by any reasonable person deserve what had happened to me because I was a good person so I held onto that and held my abuser up as a mirror to make sure I wasn't becoming her. I think some people do "just enough" healing to get through their lives without being too uncomfortable and that is a choice conscious or not they get to make yet I get to make the choice to work on my healing and being better too and if that makes them uncomfortable in ways that they become enablers or even abusers themselves then they belong in that abusive system I was born into.
As for physical boundaries mine was horrible about not respecting privacy so my shy self started sitting in my bedroom barely clothed and sleeping naked- even walked through the house one day that way. Neither parent respected privacy and often demanded immediate obedience but they also were uber conservative body conscious so as much as I hated it (same as the hoochie clothes they tried to dress me in) I put my shoulders back chin up and did things that made them so uncomfortable they stopped... well the sleeping nude thing didn't work that required me to recognize my tendency to preform complex actions in my sleep and start keeping darts by my bed that I'd through in my sleep. After a time I stopped finding them in the door jam (I had crazy good aim back then) so I believe they stopped opening my door while my almost adult/ adult self was sleeping. (As a caveat as much as they punished me for other things outside my control the sleep walking etc was never punished one of those arbitrary weird things although maybe it was because it drove my sister (step) crazy and she was further down on the pole then I was except her father would stand up for her when things got too bad and wouldn't for me because "not his blood")
My childhood was tough. We were immigrants, so I always thought that my mother's unhappiness was related to that. My father hid in his work. And we kids were feral. My mother did not parent and celebrated failure. My father never understood narcissism. As a child, you do not realize that your reality is warped. As an adult, I can remember fear and impending doom in childhood. Your reality is your Narcissistic mother. This programming made me susceptible to Narcissists and Sociopaths and Borderlines my entire life. I was raised with no boundaries. Very disfunctional family.
Btw, your new haircut is beautiful Michele. Keep up the good work.
8:30 I've never had anyone like me romantically. I've had one relationship and l had to chase her down; I was young. Nothing since. My mutha was a prostitute who hated me *and* never loved me. I felt nothing when she died not even numb; just nothing.
The worst thing was the ‘covertness’ my mother talked shit about me and my sister growing up to coworkers. My brother was the cream of the crop. Years later I’m in a what seems like a covert family unit.. his mom subtly manipulated and played the innocent old lady… I was floored that he chose her every time.. he wouldn’t say anything. He created a painful relationship between me and him , his adult daughter refused to let us be free to do what we wanted she tried running the show and shaming dad for spending time with me. Lastly he had a standing weekly lunch with a codependent brother and refused me date nights. His mother would triangulate his daughter and me then she would go to work on the bf.. it was disgusting. He was in full denial
Sick sick sick hell bound
My mother was a narcissist she passed away 3 years ago
I think he used to make me jealous on purpose… it’s a game.. his mother did it to him as a child. I began to fight for his love even though they appeared to be enmeshed this is when I realized what enmeshment and narcasstic abuse was. I still struggle to let him go.
My Dad was the enabler, but he was abusive too. Physically and emotionally. Maybe at my N mother's bidding but still, he was plenty cruel too.
Just now - ad for lumen after point 1.
Now triggered - and nolonger watching...
That s it.
these are monsters.... that's all
Oh my goddessness
My mother will gaslight just by looking at you without saying anything after you asked her a question, just to see if your going to repeat yourself. They need Sooooooo much control over others. She'll also act like she didn't hear you correctly the first time and then quickly changes her response to the correct answer just to keep you spinning. All the while your not saying a thing. Example: _Me~ Mom, did you go over your friends house to see about her car getting fixed?_
_My Mother~ You went over your friends house to fix his car-No, I went over my friends house._ (Then there's a big pause as she looks into your eyes to see if its affecting you) I've actually had conversations on the phone where she talked the whole time and then said " Ok I'll see ya bye" and I'm like , Yeah Bye... I wont get into the _walking away from you_ as your talking to her or the TV volume full blast during commercials as your trying to talk to her. _It's all so sad_ I once overheard her talking to my sister on the phone and all I heard from my end was _" Ya know what! If you act like you don't know what there talking about, it drives them crazy"_ I assume the ( THERE) in her phone call is (MEN) She was trying to get my sister to view men the same way she does.
👍
No it wasn't like that, my mother left early age, dad was schizophrenic, very embarrassing, i just prayed he wouldn't want to go anywhere together after being embarrassed to death! Dad was crazy, my mother was npd but i never saw her again til i was 29, my sisters are npd's, i think my sister was at early age but she was subservient to me, i was 18 months older, i made all decisions, i really noticed it by teens but lots of gaps in memory! Its not all the same for childhoods i would say, this can get complicated!
ANY VIDEO'S ON THE EXPERIENCES OF ADOPTED CHILDREN?
3:48 - VSauce cameo??
🔥😍🔥
😱
I don't think you're right about them consciously CHOSING image over growing, since they're traumatised themselves and also untreated. You yourself can't be the best you, can't heal without treatment, and if they're not even aware of what exactly is wrong with them, then they're protecting themselves as they can, by keeping their mental issues inside and at home where they feel safe. And I'm saying it as a scapegoat myself who learned how much people in general can't handle and misunderstand mental issues of others so it makes sense to share as little as possible. If you add perfectionism to it which is also a sign of being devalued, unloved, traumatised, it starts to make sense. Everyone behaves in front of others and gets relaxed at home. But it certainly makes it harder for you to find someone who believes you. Not to mention there are sick people who add more chaos to the system by triangulating as outsiders... 🤨😯 Have you heard about such thing? It's carzy.
I hate the term you mentioned at the end about how trauma is not an excuse, because healing, even understanding this complex issue takes so much time, you simply can't be expected to reprogram your brain in a blink of an eye (or by taking pills as some people think). And having cptsd is also not a personality issue, no one is consciously behaving in that way, it's not a decision you can simply make and change. But I strongly agree that you shouldn't start a family before you've healed. On the other hand considering how hard it is to understand it and find the right therapy even today, not to mention the costs and the stigma, it also makes it harder to blame previous generations for not being aware of their mental issues and going untreated, even if the damage is enormous they can cause. I myself was always diagnosed with ordinary depression, which I accepted and wasn't looking for further explanations. It took decades before I was told about cptsd which was like finally finding my place in the world.
Leave! Just leave! Forever
Ads are disruptive to the message.
Before, after np. During however is very disruptive - especially For those with cptsd - your target audience.
Any way you can set ads to not pop up during your videos?
There is not a single person on this planet who hasnt experienced at least one of these. So what then, everyone had narcissistic family?
You’ll know it when you are involved in one .There is a distinct difference between sone dysfunction here and there and legitimate narcissistic families (as in- there is probably more than one,it’s run like a cult of sorts, and there is mind game galore instead of real communication).
And it usually goes from one generation to the next and the next with no let up (except for those who walk away and want better relationships).
Yeah everyone is flawed but the nsrcisstic family cult system never ever acknowledges their terror
you are a narcissist, that's why those videos trigger you 😂
I want a friend date to cultivate