They are so jealous; they can't stand it. Narcissists won't say a word when congratulations are in order for publishing a new book or getting a standing ovation. That's how you can tell. Silence is seething jealousy. Worst yet, are put downs.
My father boycott my brother from the Army .My god he was dedicated and obsessed.When at 16 asked to sign a approval mum agreed Dad refused to sign.My brother wanted the engineers.My dad got him into apprentice Electrician.My brother dropped out .He liked the army.Dad said he has no discipline.My brother believes he might have gained something my dad hasn't.Like doctor Ramini said how the narcissist kills your dream.Its disgusting.
It's never too late to climb that mountain. I started college at age 54 and graduated at 59, having done 6 years worth of college in 5 years, earning 2 diplomas (accounting and international business) with an average over 80%. Now I am working as a bookkeeper. It's never too late The beginning of my life may have been wasted potential, but that doesn't mean the rest of it has to be! Survivors, WE GOT THIS!
Yes! Yes!!! YES!!! Big blessings to you & your territory!!! 😊😊😊😊 And here I was thinking 51 was too late to make a u-turn & start over on a new path! Thank you for sharing your journey! ❤😊❤😊
Most people won'y get far in life & thats the natural state of affairs. These who won't are being told they will / should / & when it doesn't happen there social engineers have even got a list of people they want blamed. That in turn is fuelling hate because all this is a vicious circle. We haven't got persons bothering us we've got a hateful social engineering phenomenon doing it where persons who are becoming paranoid ( only to bother others more ) are merely incidental to the root cause. However people took the blame game bait, in this instance Narcissism, and like with hundreds of other anti people algorithms by the elite, suckers are blaming people with it. Ordinary people self Loathing and blaming each other is what its all designed to do. The elite can thus get away with everything they are up to yet again.
3yrs later, loosing weight, no more bowel issues raising my 7 kids by myself, we all feel great!!! Poverty is still there going to law school to change that but thank you soooo much DR Ramani for teaching about narcissistic abuse it helped me come out of the fog, and my 7 kids thank you too 🙏🏽😉❤️
Sabotage. He ridiculed my poetry. He ridiculed my fiction. He freaked when he thought my poetry sample was too weak to get me into an MFA program. He urged me not to re-enter doctoral studies because I had quit in the past, so I was likely to quit again. Mind you, I now have an MFA and a PhD! He also sabotaged other dreams-intimacy, a beautiful wedding, children, my dream house-through his future faking and reneging. The divorce was granted a week ago today! Now it’s time to heal, and to live my best life. But those were a pretty devastating 20 years.
Your story is an inspiration. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but as someone working to build up the courage to re-enter an MFA program, this gives me hope.
My condolences and best wishes. You survived hell. Makes one grow up in a way never thought possible, and hardly wished on anyone. Thus, use your acquired wisdom from terrible times, in your works, to gives nudges of help to those who don't understand yet. Everyone born has to learn anew.
That is so true I have tried to tell people but they don't want to hear it, they would stop me and tell me they don't want to hear it, they already know that my mom has talked bad about me to them to make them not like me made up lies and stories about how I drink waking up with an alcohol-induced hangover cussing her up one side and down the other and that I beat her this is just the tip of the iceberg she would sabotage my food and many other things she is my worst enemy by 100 fold
I was raised by two narcissists who were raised by four narcissists, and fell prey to narcissists consistently for the rest of my life…. I’m only just learning now what self care actually means.
@@cameroncameron2826omg, they everywhere now in today's Society. They don't even know they are . As I learn more and more about Narcissism. I see grown men in their 50's and 60's with rages. Temper tantrums and envious. They constantly complain they done with women. They don't even know it's their NPD creating conflict in there life.
It's a tough road. But it's possible. In the end, we're the most likely to teach, protect and help others about these things. I may not have fixed the social ruins narcissists caused in my life, but I was able to help a friend to heal his friend's circle and remove the wedge of lies that a jealous narcissist drove in there. Most important is to reveal what is truly going on, and where those false stories about others come from and what is told about each side of the wedge. Maybe, one day, we're far enough to be able to address narcissism on a societal level, help prevent it in manifesting early on and prevent the dark tetrad from entering professions where they cause nothing but harm to other people. Narcissists alone, each, tend to destroy dozens of people's health and social relations, and even cause death and driving people over that final edge themselves through the sheer stress and destruction they cause. I think it unlikely that the societal damage can even be guessed to put into numbers.
I’m 57, I’m surrounded by narcissists but they can’t stop me. I’m now in college. I will graduate when I’m 60. It’s never too late. 🎉🎉🎉 P.S. if it weren’t for these videos I don’t think I would have ever recovered.
Thank you. This is important. I was twice at the point of recovery that I might have gotten that academic part of my life that deep down I crave, and got metaphorical bricks in the face by new (and old) narcissists in my life. I was in the way, I was not subjecting myself, I wasn't giving and forgiving enough despite organ damage from the stress. Massive PTSD for 6 years, barely sleep. Therapy-landscape in my country is also full of narcissists. Poland allegedly started to screen and filter their psych-students. Time to do that everywhere. Maybe one day. . . hopefully the universities aren't completely ruined by then. Or may have even recovered.
Self care is very important if we want to survive because long term narc relationship can cause nervous system dysregulation. We should be our top priority
I get woken up to mantras of me being a horrible man and evil and want me gone…but somehow that is OK to do when I have to get up at 6am and work 10-12 hour days.
To any survivor reading this. I want you to know. You are worthy of success, You deserve to be in healthy relationships, to have the life you've always wanted, to not feel guilt or shame when you honour your desires, dreams and aspirations.
My narc convinced me for many years that my desire to create art/music was due to my ego and shamed me for doing selfish/useless things when I’d draw or play music. It’s so easy to believe that you are the incorrect one especially when you are a people pleaser and you are used to curtailing your behavior to suit needs of others.
I had one yell at me for going into business after uni. Saying I was too creative. Then snigger and mock me for doing arts when I got a scholarship in that field.
'You look nice - going somewhere? Yup...my needs certainly died a death here. My needs arent just secondary they do not exist...... none of my needs are validated......anything I DO is done hidden. I leave in two weeks - its a very difficult time, he is going away on a special cruise, whilst i pay for everything. And, I mean, everything! This financial abuse and psychological (and certain physical abuse: unreasonable reckless demands placed on me - lifting and shifting heavy appliances and furniture - with NO thought for my health - age nor safety) this has been going on since last April. Enough. So now time to literally escape. I am counted as homeless so I have managed to get social housing that is waiting for me. Good luck and much to anyone else in a similar position. I m 72 very soon and this is not the life I envisioned.
I just turned 72, had gotten out of 3 narcissitic marriages and distanced myself from narc parents before they died. But all their limiting lies are still in my head. I was surrounded by multiple narcs the first 67 years of my life. No kidding, surviving that is a super power. I don't tell many people. I'm sure they think I'm exaggerating. I actually count a narc boss as one of the worst abusers in my life. I should have left before she could run me out, but I waited until she fired me. Then beat myself up for staying so long. Took nearly a decade to win back my self-respect after she got hold of me. Dr. Ramani's perspective in this podcast is especially helpful for dealing with that. I feel a bit more free after listening to that and reading so many comments from others suffering like I did. Congrats on your plans to leave. It is so hard to escape those trauma bonds. I hope you envision great things for your current and future life. I have a business idea that sort of keeps me hopeful as I slowly work toward it. The idea never came to the surface until 3 years ago. I had to be free of all that toxicity I think. May your imagination will take wing as well.
My mother would sabotage me regularly and it was a gleeful power trip for her. She had a desire to dominate something and “win” and I was the target. She saw me as competition, not as a daughter. I then went on to have relationships that repeated this dynamic. Getting away from it has been a lifelong struggle. Exhausting.
Rage, jealousy and contempt before you attend your personal health matters. But you get your glow on and go regardless and continue your personal business the whole day. Only to encounter absolute intimidation and an even higher level of rage when you return because you announced you would not even be available even if you didnt have appointments. Nor have you ever indicated or ever given this person validation to their narrative. Because that day they lost total control and they did it themselves. Get your glow on and do not ever let someone assume authority and control over your personal health matters and business. 👑
I went back to college at age 32. My then husband hated that. Four hours before an event where I was going to be awarded a professional woman’s scholarship, he came home with another work ‘catastrophe’. It was always something. Anyhow, he got me so upset I couldn’t go to the event. I had bought a new dress and everything.
Before our daughter’s wedding she helped me pick out an elegant dress. It was really pretty burgundy backless classy with a mini train. They didn’t have a rehearsal before for the wedding so nobody knew what to do. Right before the wedding my daughter instructed me to go sit down in the front row 20 minutes before the wedding started, she’d send for me. Yep, I didn’t even get to walk down the isle like the “Mother of the Bride” does. I felt like I was just one of the guest. If I would’ve known this I would’ve bought the dress or paid to get my hair professionally done.
@@bq1424 Well of course I was the Mother of the Bride. Why would she want me to wear such a beautiful dress and then not want me to walk down the isle first? She wanted to be the center of attention. After all she is a narcissist and has always treated me like I am a nobody.
I have been in narcissistic relationships since I was a child. I'm 35 years old, and I've finally decided to focus on myself again and live out my dreams. It's been a struggle to stop being a codependent enabler to the narcissists, but I am determined to continue on my health and self-discovery journey.
In my opinion, some self-righteous narcissist would not say direct humiliating words when you’re making successful achievements but they would find a way to look down and just be in difference or minimize those by bringing up your weaknesses. The jealousy is absolutely there if they feel you’re doing better and without they even realize they will find a way to sabotage and do things to hinder your success. They just cannot stand it.
My ex narc was very opinionated. In 5 years, he complimented me ONCE, and that was when he first met me. I just thought he was just too shy to say anything, but he would look/stare. He would make fun of others and laugh. I couldn't figure out what was so funny! I am so glad I left him when I did!
"You should be too big for your britches." So true! And I'm with you on the dream killers. It is absolutely maddening and disgusting what narcs will do to hold people back from what they really want to do.
It seems that no matter how hard you try to express your feelings and share what's bothering you, they always manage to make things worse instead of offering comfort or support
When I wanted to take an aerobics class when my son was one year old, my husband got angry and told me I was selfish for spending money this way. I loved the class, and went on to become an instructor so I got PAID for it. He was even angrier and told me I was selfish for taking this time away from my family. I taught two hours a week. His anger lasted the entire five years I taught.
That's sad and very interesting. It's like he just didn't want you to be happy, healthy or have something in your life that he didn't control. Or like he thought he was entitled to decide what you could do. It must've made him feel uncomfortable that you weren't under his control.
“Never clip your wings for another human being” really hit home. The uphill struggle IS worth it. YOU, WE are worth fighting for ourselves. Now that I understand these toxic patterns so much better and can see the light, I’m here for it. 🙏🏼✨🥰❤️
Omg. In the first sentence you nailed it! I did just that. After a few years of being verbally abused I quit trying to make him happy and focused on me. In the first 2 or 3 years I quit being as affectionate after being pushed away because no time was a good time for a kiss. He even told me I fussed too much over my dog but my dog didn't push me away. Hence the reason once my husband died I realized the dog was enough company for me. And at my age I would rather be alone with a dog than alone with a man.(and I was married 29 years)
You are a woman? Sorry, I can't distinguish from the name. And, you know, your comment might be understandable and relatable in one way if you're a woman, but if you're a man or another gender, it's an entirely different thing... just curious.
Oh Wow. The similarities in experiences. I was told that I ask for a back/shoulder rub at the wrong times. This is after 12 hour work days or.long commutes. Also, he gaslight me aver my dog on a regular basis. Would be cruel to him and when I questioned it, I'm making a big deal of it. Thanks for sharing.
Once my narc realized that trying to control me was difficult, he switched to quite successfully, sadly, of controlling other people's perception of me... Evil, pure evil
For me it wasn't even extra 'fun' self-care that I slowly lost, it was just general hygiene and health self-care. It took me until a year out of my toxic relationship to finally feel ok buying myself new glasses after putting up with broken frames for over a year. It took almost two years to start taking time to do preventative doctor and dental checkups again. Even habits like showering and brushing teeth every day were hard to do while in the relationship! All my time had to be spent catering to the narcissist and trying to prevent blow-ups.
Since childhood I stored a little light in myself (during so much abuse by parents) that no one could ever managed to put out of me. This little light of mine is now rising thanks to Your support to Us. ❤️
I can relate you're not alone it's been too dark for far too long Sis. Dr Ramani reminding me every day has helped me so so much I hope it does you as well💜🫂
I had to completely cut ties with my toxic narcissistic mother, and some siblings shortly after my dad passed. I had ended a 21-year abusive marriage with a narcissist in 2016, and when my verbally and emotionally abusive dad passed, I just couldn't do it anymore. I was done being abused. I was done being the door mat, punching bag, and scapegoat. I cut all ties to heal. And yes, I have been ridiculed for having to do this in order to take care of myself. I am exhausted from all the years of abuse, rage, blame, hoovering, abandonment, attacks, and love bombs. My family just does not understand. It's all me..what is the matter with me? Nothing. I am working on my healing and enjoying freedom. I finally am getting to know who I am, and I like who I am. I do not have to work hard anymore to try to get my mom to love me. I get to work on loving myself.
I felt the same exhaustion, even though I only distanced myself from narc parents, rather than cut them off totally. But after I retired, I was finally able to get more like 7 hours of sleep a night, instead of 4. That helped a great deal. The parents are dead now and it wasn't until their funerals that I felt the weight totally lift. I hope it feels like that for you, now you are free of them. Now to creating a new family of choice, rather than birth. I wish us both success in that endeavor.
Dealing with a narcissist is like trying to forge through the Amazon jungle….with a pocket knife. You lose your sense of direction and there’s thicket at every turn.
My ex husband seemed to pretend to be happy when I got my bachelors degree then when I began working on my doctorate.. but each time he’d be caught cheating and it became my fault. I don’t think he ever wanted me to do better. I never understood that until I began watching Dr. Ramani’s videos.
Wow. Mine has thrown various tantrums and who knows what has gone on that i haven't discovered?! He took his wedding ring off 10 days ago when inconfronted him about prn use
@@nmc1859. There is an easy test to see if porn users are truly in Satan’s grasp or just fallible humans like the rest of us: “and every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God (1 John 4:3).” It is easy to say this from the outside, but drive him over to have a meeting with a pastor, ask the pastor what the Gospel of Christ is, and see what his reaction is to the Gospel-an offer of free forgiveness of all sins.
I grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness, then I married one. I woke up to realize I’m in a cult married to a passive aggressive narcissist. Thank you Dr Ramani for counterbalancing my thoughts ❤
I grew up JW too, so I totally understand. We were set up to fail in relationships right from the start, bc the cult is the ultimate form of an abusive relationship. I hope you get out (I did.)
I friend of mine was in the JWs and got thrown out at a young age. He always insisted on being his own person and following his interests that built confidence. Exceptional story. He recently passed away, living with a self-righteous, almost choleric, narcissist that he thought a friend. He was only more and more stressed the past months and responded less and less to communication. I suppose he fell back into some of the necessary self-protective habits. He wanted to move out by next summer. The narcissist is all grandstanding and woe is me about it all. I'm sure it was hard for the narcissist to have his "friend" die too, but the way he speaks sounds like a cartoon villain where you hear in every line that it is all about him being the bestest person ever who sees himself as better than our mutual friend in every way. He calls out lost friend "brother" (they're not related) but it sounds like he's talking about a lost pet...
I come from being the scapegoat/invisible child. My older sibling has an inability to connect with me. I was isolated during childhood. I was held down and from achieving too much. It was difficult. But long story short, I have just completed a Bachelor in Education Degree at the age of 45. We can do it... Against all odds. R
Your inspiring me as a scapegoat from a narcissist family. I often feel left behind by my peers because of the many ways I've been sabotaged by my narcissistic father. I will keep moving forward. Plus I'm really proud of you! ❤️❤️❤️
I had to give up from condo, my autonomy, my friends, job, career, needs, my authenticity, relationships and my mental health, but I am taking myself back thru your healing program and taking steps in that direction daily. Keeping my boundaries and focusing on my life again. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
One of the last things my mother told me the other day was intended to be an insult to me ended up being an actual compliment. She said that im nothing like her.
As a survivor, I can confirm: that's exactly what Narcissists do. They have no humility to speak of, and boast of ANYTHING they can make up just to spite you. They are ANATHEMA to all that is good in your life, just to see you broken. Whereas another fellow human being would help you aim to greater heights, all they can think of is how to bring you DOWN. Being all by yourself beats being next to someone like this ANY AND ALL DAYS.
I recently got out of a 25 year marriage. This is exactly what I’m working on now. Trying to find my worth, value and what I love. I don’t even know anymore. When I’m with friends and asked to find a spot for us to sit, I panic. Others don’t understand how debilitating it is. This video is so encouraging. I’m going to rewatch it a lot. Thank you Dr Ramani. I might still be stuck in that relationship if not for your videos and understanding about this stuff 😊
Same for me. We got this! Onward and upward my friend. You will have bad days and good days but stay strong as you head forward into more good days than bad and eventually just good days. ❤
I was one of those people who was ashamed of my wasted time until I read something that said "if you start now it will take you the same amount of time to complete it as it would have if you did it years ago" basically if you worry about how long it will take to achieve your dreams after a delay it will only delay it more. So just do it now.
I had to take care of home/kids/job while he went to the gym. I was shamed for talking with friends on the phone. He stalked me when I went for walks and threatened me. So after 29 years I am isolated, overweight and have autoimmune diseases. BUT my divorce was final on Tuesday. Yay!!
congratulations. most of my lifelong (65 years) autoimmune disease cleared up when I separated myself from all the toxic people in my life. I hope you find support in your continued single life. Make sure your friends aren't toxic, either. They were pulling me down and were the last to go. Then relief started to come.
He always told me I wasn't capable of doing anything for myself. He made it clear I needed him for everything but yet he was never really there when I did need him.
Dr. Ramani. This video is an inspiration to me. I can’t thank you enough for your honesty and caring for people going through the trauma of narcissism abuse. Last Christmas I decided to go no contact with my older daughter. this week I radically excepted that my younger daughter is narcissistic as well. Losing both of my daughters is incredibly painful. We are a very small family. The prospect of losing them all breaks my heart. This video has given me hope for the future. I’m 74 and I’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse my whole life. Thank you so much for the hard work that you do.
From trying to eat healthy, to advancing my career, to education, I've been sabotage my whole marriage. My love for her would not allow me to see the truth of the matter. Since learning of NPD I know it's not my fault anymore. Thanks for the info.
After 23 years I'm still not over the abuse from my covert narcissist husband (who all adored), yet I didn't let him stop me from achieving my dreams. In fact, I think I achieved more out of pure determination from living with such confusing punishment for way, way too long. Unfortunately we didn't know back then about narcissism. And it was many years until I realized he got off on punishing me in any way he could. If he knew one thing didn't work, he'd try another until he found something that would work. My health suffered so he managed by beating me up emotionally. Please don't forget that they enjoy our pain.
Had my own biz for five years. An LLC. I LOVED it. Looking back, I know I let the negative comments intimidate me and lessen my self-confidence. Yes, I am quite angry when I look back. But I don't want to be angry at myself for letting the narcissist debilitate me. I just want to see the experience as a lesson. But man, wish I had learned all this sooner.
I was a total innocent. Even decades later, I'm having revelations of how he sabotaged the things I liked. It's sad I was married to someone who diminished me and stressed me. I feel he didn't even like me. I guess I was just picked for looks and he thought emotional abuse was okay to discharge all his own insecurities..
Thank you so much, Doctor Ramani. It is incredible, how you can help me heal from a lifetime of complex PTSD with a pervert mother and a covert father. I spent my life trying to please my poor daddy who was a victim of my evil mom. He was not able to defend himself, so his children took this responsibility for him. It is only when I had a severe depression, after being a pathological people pleaser for all my life, that I realized: My father manipulated me for my whole life. He even tried to turn my son against me and almost succeeded. I am now 51 and just starting to understand all of this. Your work has such a great importance in my life. Thank you so much for shining your true self... that the world so much needs. All my love and respect to you, beautiful human xxx
I’m married to a narcissist at the moment. When I go to get my hair done, or do something for myself he abruptly toss in my face that I’m being a bad mother and a bad wife because I’m caring for myself. My husband is the worse kind of narcissist. My husband lies, cheats, disrespects me, and demeans me often and it’s all my fault according to him.
Perfect timing. Thank you! “Why do narcissists try to ruin the big days in your life?” Glad someone said it! Very validating right now. They’re not happy if you’re not doing well enough, (you’re not good enough) and they’re not happy if you actually start to do well. It’s impossible to be around them. Thank you for this video!
I remember I started gardening again to deal with my depression when my mother's health started to decline, and she was heading towards hospice. It was what she, my grandmother, and I used to do when I was young. I grew all kinds of peppers, berries, herbs, and vegetables. When someone asked me about it, I got so excited and was about to get into it. That is until my dad put his hand up and told them, "Don't get her started! Otherwise, you'll never get her to stop talking." Then he went on to look at me and say, "Nobody cares, it's not about you." It was so diminishing of how proud I was of my little garden; it wasn't much but it was mine. Now that she is gone, it's hard for me to go out there without crying, and it makes me feel small to think that something so important to me was seen as so foolishly trivial. Then when I was talking about ways we could help my mother in her transition towards the end of life he told me, "It's easy for you to say or talk about, it's not like you're losing anything." I replied, "You're right, she's just my mother." He looked at me like he had never considered that before. I have countless moments where I was made to feel small right before a big event... music recitals, birthdays, Christmas parties, my aunt's wedding where he made cry right before I was supposed to walk down the aisle as a bridesmaid while telling me, "Are you crying? The world doesn't care about your tears. So, tell me, why should I?" Now that my mother is gone, I feel detached and have distanced myself. It has honestly been the best thing for me, and I do not regret it. Not one bit! Now that I am gone, he acts super nice to me when he calls. However, I hear secondhand from family members how he really feels about me as a person. I know my mother would have wanted me to continue to try to have a relationship with him, but I can't. I just can't!
Getting away from that toxicity is your right. I hope you don't let anyone shame you into feeling that you have to stay connected to someone who has been so damaging to you. Listen to your own heart, your body. This is a difficult thing to say but someone who is so blind to who you are, doesn't really care about you. I hope you create a new and happy future for yourself. You deserve it!
Being able to grow food is a survival matter! Enjoy being with nature. The narcy parent? I fell for the nice phone conversations - found out the hard way it way just for the 'lure'.
@goodydoo82, And you shouldn't feel pressured to have a relationship with him. It's wonderful that you found solace in gardening. You have a good spirit. Your mother was lucky to have such a loving daughter. Stay strong! 🙏🏼❤
Do not fall for the nicy nice 😊 YOU ARE STRONG 💪🏽, BEAUTIFUL 😍 🥰 LOVED BY THE ALMIGHTY GOD WHO GAVE YOU SUCH AN AMAZING HEART ❤️ TO CONNECT TO EARTH 🌍 AND TO GROW YOUR OWN FOOD 🍱 AND BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS!! YOUR MOTHER IS WITH YOU 😅IN SPIRIT AND EVERY TIME YOU ARE THERE IN THE GARDEN 🪴 TO GROW AND SEE THE BEAUTIFUL ALL AROUND YOU-REMEMBER THE TRUTH OF WHY YOU LEFT DARKNESS ! BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY AND LOVE ❤️ P.S. I lost my Beautiful Mother on Grandmothers Day 10/10/23@12:00 midnight and I felt her heart ❤️ 😢leave me and I know you’re Loss …. But go in Peace Angel 😇 she’s with you!
Radical acceptance and awareness makes me see how vulnerable I truly am to the subtle things that make me uncomfortable and erode my self esteem. I see and hear more but try not to be affected by those things. The constant psychological battle is exhausting.
I have survived narcissistic abuse and couldn't agree more it is a super power! It does take time and it's hard to even imagine ever feeling like you'll feel like you'll have a super power. It took leaving a narc marriage and meeting countless more to find that power, but my goodness did I find it! For those going though this believe in yourself, you are strong. Dr Ramani you are an amazing women and it is people like you that make all the difference in the world. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do.
One month before my thesis was due for submission to complete my Master's degree, my narc husband threw a big tantrum and disappeared for 3 days, leaving me with our 11-month-old baby. Thanks, Doc! You are right on!
OMG ... that's exactly what I've done for decades ... self care on the sly. Everything must be perfect at home and then I sneak out while he's at work to go to doctor/dentist and vet appointments for my cats and dog. It is pretty nerve-wracking, but telling him is worse.
My ex narc was very opinionated. I received 1 compliment in 5 years, and that was in the beginning. He made fun of people and expect me to laugh with him. He was jealous of what other people have. Oh,how he LOVED Sports cars! He would stare at the owner getting inside the car with ENVY..So glad i left him. Another GREAT topic!!
I was told that my birthday was “All about you” and diminished. Left walking home on my own one birthday because he said I was arguing when he picked a fight Was offered a membership of the RSA in London because of my achievements for work and disabled. He smeared the offer saying they were only after my membership fee! It never felt the same again!
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Your achievements are great, every single one of them. Including the ability to get up and face the day after dealing with such a horrible experience. Whatever the reason for your recognition, it is still more than many have been able to accomplish. So, celebrate you, even if nobody else does!
Similar experiences. People who haven’t been in a narcissistic relationship have a hard time believing this stuff happens. You are a good person, never doubt it.
@@margaretgrace5902 You are so right. I had friends turned against me based on things the covert narc told them about me. They are geniuses about projecting an excellent front - they can make anybody look bad if they want to.
I find your words so comforting. Thank you 🙏🏻. Narcissistic relationships are very lonely places to be, and it comforts me to listen to you - you truly understand x
Severe all relationships with malignant narcissists completely! Ask yourself would you work for a company with a toxic culture? It is the narcissist who has to step down from thier high horse and court and win you over not vice versa and if they can't well then it is their loss because of their malady and not yours. Period. Don't take over half a century to work this one out as I did.
Ask yourself if you would tolerate this treatment from any other person in your life besides the narcissist. When you think about it in those terms it makes it a lot easier to cut them out.
@@ThimbleFox350My narcs were the people who raised me. Wish had've been lucky and simply dated a narc (which I understand is a nightmare) instead of tortured throughout my non-existent childhood and beyond. Wonder if I'll ever heal.
@matthewsheeran yes, it took me 25 years to leave, I was in my early 40’s, I had had enough and it was SO bad that I knew once I left, I’d never go back. It’s been 5 years now of no contact with my mom and sister. My son just turned 18 and last night told me “I know me and Benny will never be cool, never, because of his mom and Grammy”, so 5 yrs later and my mom and sister still don’t want my nephew to have anything to do with my son. Sad. They’ve painted my son out to be this bad kid and he IS NOT!!!!!!! It’s true that no matter how long goes by, they still are out to get me. I can be at my lowest, they STILL will do whatever they can to screw me over. Biggest lesson I learned, they can never b the person I am, the jealousy is eating them up! My mom is the foundation of all this. My mom has caused all this. Sick!!!!!
And than means your degrees mean A LOT. I have dated several narc men that were all less educated than me and they all tried to diminish my diplomas and my career. They are jalous. Just like your pastor.
Survivor here - brother was diagnosed 1 year ago with NPD. Then i found myself on this page! Dr Ramani has literally helped answer all the questions I had about my Brother. As a survivor, im here to encourage all readers that you have the power to say No and walk away. It will take time, but it works - if you are reading this - im proof that you will be ok, and that you are not alone! Keep at these videos, find a therapist or as the good Dr says, find a community group online (using a friends phone), so you dont get isolated ❤ YOU GOT THIS
Back in 2017, I got accepted into an Ivy League school for grad school. My ex-husband and ex-MIL right away said that "It's easy to get into top schools with your discipline. There isn't as much competition." It's an Ivy League with the lowest acceptance rate. Another time, I had to make a paypal payment for an international conference and I didn't have paypal. My ex-husband said he'd let me use his. He kept saying "I'll do it later" and then 6 hours before the deadline, he said he can't. My best friends living in different time zones helped me out in 2 hours. Wanted to organize a special dinner with families from both of our sides on our first anniversary. My ex-MIL threw a tantrum that her sister and niece have to be invited, but no extended family from my side. And then threw a tantrum that she won't come if the guest list is not as per her preference. We gave up the plan. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Your insights about NPD helped me find closure....because that man and his mother never apologized.
Thank you for this. I desperately need to get out and escape my narc family. All my life I was humiliated for not being as numb as them and they kept gaslighting me to the point that I barely finish my projects/education. I graduated but my personal projects were put on hold because of my family's toxicity. Much love from the Philippines.
I remember one time, the narcissist in my life decided that me graduating college with an associate's degree was too good for him. He prevented me from being able to go to my graduation party. And he even hid my degree paper. To this day I still have a picture of my degree paper but I still cannot find it. Unfortunately it's going to cost money to even try to get a replacement for it and I still have a hard time bringing myself to spend it
I’m sorry this happened. That’s a great accomplishment. Please get a copy of your certificate. If it’s out of your budget, ask the school if there is a form to fill out for financial hardship or speak to a counselor there (even if my phone or email) You worked hard for your degree, please don’t let him “win.” If you have the money, please get it, you are worth it and he should not have control over this situation. You deserve better.
Get a print made of the photo. If you do get a copy of the degree, you will need to hide it from him and not let him even know you have it. I couldn't imagine living like that. I would find it frightening to have someone in my home who didn't have my back. After my husband's controlling escalated to continual emotional abuse, i saw a counsellor (he wouldn't come with me), who got me to realise I was being abused beyond what was acceptable. After I left, even decades later, I have new realisations of how he sabotaged me. It's scary and hurtful. I was so naive.
I was raised with a narcissist father and codependent mother. I don’t like the term self care and I was raised to feel it is selfish to do things for yourself when when someone else is/may be suffering or doing without…. So, no self care.
Yes--was the recipient of snide remarks at my college graduation. Yet, flip side, so sweet and consoling when I failed at something. Man, I can so relate.
Your videos and podcasts have been so helpful for me. Narcissists are attracted to me like bees to honey. My mother is one, and I married one. The more I practice, the faster I catch these familiar patterns in my relationships. Yes, the wasted years and the loss of potential are heartbreaking for me. I could give you a long list of them. I just want to get to the point that narcissists are repelled by me. I have honestly just tried to stay alone because it's safer, finally moving forward in a career and getting my own modest house set up. I am 50 years old, two years out of a divorce. I finally am starting to feel as though my head is getting above water. My "stories"? I could write a book. A couple of small examples about my mother: I was my high school mascot. I was basically performing as a cheerleader, but in a 30-degree hotter suit, and with larger body gestures. I was so good at it, that a nationally-recognized cheer organization placed me third on the West Coast and offered me a scholarship. But, my mother downplayed it. She would not take me to the interview, and she made a joke out of the whole affair. It was not until years later that I got some stage recognition, working as a dancer for a couple of modestly-famous music bands, and I realized how she must have known that she was sabotaging me. Thirty years later, my mother is 81, and she sabotaged my nephew's wedding, out of state. He first moved his wedding date to accommodate her, then when she realized that she was going to be lodging with me, my son, and my ex-husband (another narcissist), she pulled out. I had to cancel my vacation rental. I am used to her shenanigans now though, and had a back-up plan to stay with my sister and the wedding party in cabins, close to the wedding destination. I am not sure if my son and my ex-husband will come now, but at least I have a plan in place for myself. That's the best you can do with a narcissist. And, NEVER tell them of your plans, if there is at all a glimmer of a chance that they can sabotage you, because they will- mark my words. They want the attention on themselves, good or bad, no matter what.
I dated a guy whose ex asked that we change dates and child care for her visit with his daughter to his city. So we changed all our arrangements. Then she wanted to change it all again. He was going to, but I said no, it's not reasonable, and involves a whole chain of people changing their plans. (Including even the grandmother of my daughter). She didn't need the change. I think she just likes fussing and drama and maybe getting people at her disposal so she feels significant?
Yes. She kept trying to get me to quit my job (a job I loved), and would put me down saying I was arrogant and braggy because I was happy with my work and proud of my accomplishments. For the record, I am not arrogant...I just have a cheerful self-appreciation.
It is no surprise they are suddenly behaving very well. It hurts their ego too much to know they're being studied 😂😂😂. Some are apologizing to me, which of course I accept... but I remain under your guidance because It has rewired my brain and changed my life forever. I'm going to really enjoy your book. We need to keep studying this fascinating group. They are going to be back at it in about five minutes.
This video/audio sent chills up my spine. You know “my” TWO narcissists so very well. My first, 46 year tight marriage, my biggest fear was FEAR. Once I left and came back more than a few times, he never, ever in 46 years said I’m sorry. When I finally left for the very last time, people that knew I were shocked! They said, no way…you two are “perfect” we always thought you were Ozzie and Harriet. My second narcissist was slightly “better” but ALL of your points hit home. I left him and now have been in therapy for a year and making beautiful strides to Living alone; happily. You, Dr. Ramani and Nejwa Zebian♥️ and my therapist are bringing me to the person I always should have been. I’m loving my life. Thank you, thank you. Perhaps Dr Ramani your next book should be to NEW parents, how NOT to raise a narcissist.
This video hits home more than you know. I have been criticized about self care and telling my boyfriend that I need to focus on me for a bit. He said that was a very selfish thing to say to someone and he has NEVER even thought about himself in our relationship.
Even though making more money for the household benefits the Narcissist, sabotaging the ability to train or promote. Not about getting ahead, about eating up the energy of someone else doing better. Yep, been there.
I believe the stress I was put under dusting my 25 year relationship with my covert narcissist partner/ husband was the main cause of my stage 3c cancer. I’ve worked so hard to get away and start to focus on m. I am still here 6 years after diagnosis to look after my girls who were not responsible for their narcissistic step fathers behaviour but didn’t get the support they needed.
You may be right! My Mother used to worry about me and tell me that putting up with the Narc would make me sick. I suffered a low-grade depression for years but never put two and two together until the guy had to serve a 3-year jail sentence! For the first time in years the depression lifted, and I got my old energy back! After that I was more mindful of what I was doing to myself.
This all is incredibly spot on. My ex said things like, “a monkey could do your job” shortly after I’d win a big award. He would undercut and question my abilities every promotion I got. He said, “I am here, and you are here.” *putting his hand high up for him and low for me* because, at the time, he made more. Now, almost a year after the traumatic event that was the move out, I am happily living alone and making more money than him.
Abandonment anxiety I’ve heard of and experienced with children. BUT separation anxiety is when they pick an enormous fight , throw a huge wobbly before they leave for what they are doing or vice versa . Resulting in leaving you feeling destabilized for the tasks you need to perform.
My narcissistic mother literally tried to pathologize me as autistic because I had certain sensitivities. Because my responses to those sensitivities to bright lights or hunger or stress got in the way of what my mother wanted to do with me, she spent years trying to take me to clinics and diagnose me with a spectrum disorder. Then I ended up with a girlfriend and now wife who is a mental health professional, and it turns out I can't be diagnosed by the DSM as autistic. I was perfectly fine--I just have my own typical human vulnerabilities that need to be cared for! So yeah, my need for self-care was admonished to the utmost degree.
The most severe sabotage I experienced was from my narcissistic mother. My daughter passed away and rather than being there for me she checked herself into the hospital and said that she was having a nervous breakdown. I ended up being there for her rather than mourn the loss of my daughter. She then refused to assist with any funeral arrangements stating that she couldn’t deal with it. She did many other things during that time to ensure that I wouldn’t get any attention or help from other family members. It took me many years to realize that she really didn’t want me to have any attention during that time. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all of your videos. They’ve helped me tremendously!
"Never clip your wings for another human being. Love means letting someone soar and limiting another human being in any way is abuse"🙏🙏🙏🙏❤❤❤ Thanks for the reminder ❣️ When I learned - thanks to you - I was being abused I decided to put an end to almost 20 years marriage with a malignant covert narcissist. I was determined to fly high and now I'm flying. Thanks to you, I got bended but no way broken💜💜💜
I never could put my foot on why I felt guilty and reserved about saying anything that I would do in reference to taking care of myself I felt so guilty. The responses I would get were , strange and bizarre, or completely ignored, and trivialized ….Ie-“ sharing an exercise feeling stronger day, and was told “I’m nervous for you. I just care you are doing too much “???just didn’t know what was happening with the covert narcissist. this has has pinpointed it perfectly!
Goodness, almost everything you have said here reminds me of everything I went through in my adolescence and young adulthood at the hands of my surviving parent and enabling relatives. Thank you for this encouraging post.
My narc would keep trying to sabotage my desire to lose weight. He'd support it verbally then go buy candy for me after i asked him not to, or keep asking me if i wanted more food, knowing i have triggers. I had to keep telling him over and over. He finally listened and stopped but yeesh. I think for him it was the worry that id "get hot and leave" , you know, the typical stereotype
As I was listening to this video,my husband came to me and asked if I wanted a turn over! I’m a diabetic for 25 years. I have try to get him stop.I’m an diabetic No sugar. This video hit me right in the face. 550
I can relate to this, my cn does this to me too. Similarly, when buying me a gift, for Christmas or birthday, he will get me something I don't want. Something I haven't showed any interest in, OR, I'll tell him something specific when he asks me, and he'll get something similar but not the actual thing I asked for. But I can't be disappointed because then I'm selfish and unappreciative. The same goes for the candy bar or ice cream when he knows I'm trying not to eat those things, he must get affirmation and a pat on the back for being considerate of me.
My NM tries to sabotage my desire to gain weight. She has tried to bully me into not wanting to gain weight, she gets aggressive when i express my desire to gain weight, she shames me for this desire, calls me ungrateful, she seems to cause drama with me when I start working out, gaslights me by saying I'd turn into a "buffalo butt" and act as if my body is hers. I'm 25, tall and slim. I just want to gain a little fat and muscle. But her real problem is that she threatened by me gaining weight and looking more "womanly". She has said several times that she think women shouldn't be skinny. Rather they should have more fat on them. She wants to lose weight but she's afraid of becoming too skinny. She has a big butt and that's what she wants. But if i say that my butt is too small, she gets defensive and tries to convince me that my butt perfect for my size. But really, she just doesn't want men showing interest in me when I'm with her.
As for my exhusband, he knew I didn't have access to a vehicle nor could I drive (tried to get my license unsuccessfully up til that point and he refused to help). He kept saying if I can't get home on my own, then don't leave home. There was a time I wanted to go to an event, he knew this, I wanted him to go with me ...he also knew drinking alcohol gave him a headache and he did just that and laid across the floor in his parents' house. When I broke up with him he decided to tell me about other women being interested in him knowing I had exams that day. This was after he said he wanted to remain friends so it's not like I didn't tell him about the day...when I say my love for him died, I mean it.
I am trying g to clean out a garage. I spent hours cleaning out and have piles to go through and organize and throw away garbage or get old paint and stuff to bring to drop off station. My wife starts calling me a hoarder and insane. She puts items on shelves I am trying to clean off. She takes items like a chair I want to keep and throws them to the street. I am in the middle of cleaning it all up. I have everything outside of the garage and have been cleaning things out since 2 p’m and now at 7:45 pm and am being sabotaged and verbally abused. I just spent evenings and weekends over 6 weeks( there was a lot of rain) saving money by re-roofing the garage ( it was leaking and a disaster before) No gratitude, though I would settle for zero response over the shaming. It is endless shaming and sabotaging. Sorry to vent…I am just at wit’s end.
My narc ex husband literally ruined EVERY birthday, holiday & special event throughout our relationship. It alienated me & made my support system even smaller.... until I untangled myself & moved on.
Years ago when I was in school for my Bachelor’s degree, before I ever knew what narcissism was. My husband use to start arguments or pick fights before my exams or when I was studying. I eventually figured out what he was doing and did try to bring it to his attention . That was hopeless and such a waste of time. . It all make sense now , what he was doing.
1. they sabotage your selfcare
2. they sabotage special days
3. they sabotage your relationship with others
4. they sabotage your dreams
Exactly.
👏🙌
Truth!
I always said he rained on my parade.
The sabotage of dreams and relationship with others...I'm...all to myself now. Constantly told anyone else is dangerous.
They are so jealous; they can't stand it. Narcissists won't say a word when congratulations are in order for publishing a new book or getting a standing ovation. That's how you can tell. Silence is seething jealousy. Worst yet, are put downs.
"narcissistic relationships are where your needs go to die" - great quote
My father boycott my brother from the Army .My god he was dedicated and obsessed.When at 16 asked to sign a approval mum agreed Dad refused to sign.My brother wanted the engineers.My dad got him into apprentice Electrician.My brother dropped out .He liked the army.Dad said he has no discipline.My brother believes he might have gained something my dad hasn't.Like doctor Ramini said how the narcissist kills your dream.Its disgusting.
🤯 tysm
😂😭
It's never too late to climb that mountain. I started college at age 54 and graduated at 59, having done 6 years worth of college in 5 years, earning 2 diplomas (accounting and international business) with an average over 80%. Now I am working as a bookkeeper. It's never too late The beginning of my life may have been wasted potential, but that doesn't mean the rest of it has to be! Survivors, WE GOT THIS!
You go, girl! 👏👏👏💪
@@talitaza8862 ty
Yes! Yes!!! YES!!! Big blessings to you & your territory!!! 😊😊😊😊 And here I was thinking 51 was too late to make a u-turn & start over on a new path! Thank you for sharing your journey! ❤😊❤😊
@@shoniswinning4056 ty for the blessings. I hope my story is an encouragement to you and others to live your dreams no matter your age
You are an inspiration!
Always dream big, fly high. Don't let the narcissist break your wings.
Your analogy is so on point!
Narcissists try to clip your wings.
You’re so right. Don’t let them. Fly high!
The narcissist won’t break your wings but they sure will pluck the dang feathers out.
Most people won'y get far in life & thats the natural state of affairs. These who won't are being told they will / should / & when it doesn't happen there social engineers have even got a list of people they want blamed. That in turn is fuelling hate because all this is a vicious circle.
We haven't got persons bothering us we've got a hateful social engineering phenomenon doing it where persons who are becoming paranoid ( only to bother others more ) are merely incidental to the root cause.
However people took the blame game bait, in this instance Narcissism, and like with hundreds of other anti people algorithms by the elite, suckers are blaming people with it. Ordinary people self Loathing and blaming each other is what its all designed to do. The elite can thus get away with everything they are up to yet again.
Yes!
@@ricksmith929 , Narcissists are mother pluckers .You get too chicken to try your wings .
Wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it.
Right is right even if no one is doing it.
Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is looking.
If no one else is doing it, then how do you know it’s right? Most people think that doing the right thing means blending in.
❤
@@annaburns2865It's up to you and each person individually to decide what the right thing is
@@annaburns2865look to God and the Bible if you are lost
They sabatage relationships between family members using triangulation tactics.
3yrs later, loosing weight, no more bowel issues raising my 7 kids by myself, we all feel great!!! Poverty is still there going to law school to change that but thank you soooo much DR Ramani for teaching about narcissistic abuse it helped me come out of the fog, and my 7 kids thank you too 🙏🏽😉❤️
This is beautiful!
Wow. Congratulations !
im proud of you
I also had this bowel issues. 🤔
Keep going strong lady! 💙
Sabotage. He ridiculed my poetry. He ridiculed my fiction. He freaked when he thought my poetry sample was too weak to get me into an MFA program. He urged me not to re-enter doctoral studies because I had quit in the past, so I was likely to quit again. Mind you, I now have an MFA and a PhD! He also sabotaged other dreams-intimacy, a beautiful wedding, children, my dream house-through his future faking and reneging. The divorce was granted a week ago today! Now it’s time to heal, and to live my best life. But those were a pretty devastating 20 years.
Your story is an inspiration. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but as someone working to build up the courage to re-enter an MFA program, this gives me hope.
Enjoy the freedom!
My condolences and best wishes.
You survived hell.
Makes one grow up in a way never thought possible, and hardly wished on anyone.
Thus, use your acquired wisdom from terrible times, in your works, to gives nudges of help to those who don't understand yet. Everyone born has to learn anew.
He ridiculed what I watched, read or said
Thank you , Invalidating your intellectual life is a cruel way to abuse you. There are no physical marks .I appreciate your honesty.
What’s worse is nobody believes nor do they want to believe you
That is so true I have tried to tell people but they don't want to hear it, they would stop me and tell me they don't want to hear it, they already know that my mom has talked bad about me to them to make them not like me made up lies and stories about how I drink waking up with an alcohol-induced hangover cussing her up one side and down the other and that I beat her this is just the tip of the iceberg she would sabotage my food and many other things she is my worst enemy by 100 fold
Surviving narcissistic abuse is a SUPER POWER! Wow, thank you Dr. Ramani.
I was raised by two narcissists who were raised by four narcissists, and fell prey to narcissists consistently for the rest of my life…. I’m only just learning now what self care actually means.
lol
@@cameroncameron2826 Hope you find peace in this life, bro.
Oh yes: abusers can sense that you are a pushover who they can also similarly abuse!
@@cameroncameron2826omg, they everywhere now in today's Society. They don't even know they are . As I learn more and more about Narcissism. I see grown men in their 50's and 60's with rages. Temper tantrums and envious. They constantly complain they done with women. They don't even know it's their NPD creating conflict in there life.
It's a tough road. But it's possible.
In the end, we're the most likely to teach, protect and help others about these things. I may not have fixed the social ruins narcissists caused in my life, but I was able to help a friend to heal his friend's circle and remove the wedge of lies that a jealous narcissist drove in there. Most important is to reveal what is truly going on, and where those false stories about others come from and what is told about each side of the wedge.
Maybe, one day, we're far enough to be able to address narcissism on a societal level, help prevent it in manifesting early on and prevent the dark tetrad from entering professions where they cause nothing but harm to other people.
Narcissists alone, each, tend to destroy dozens of people's health and social relations, and even cause death and driving people over that final edge themselves through the sheer stress and destruction they cause. I think it unlikely that the societal damage can even be guessed to put into numbers.
I’m 57, I’m surrounded by narcissists but they can’t stop me. I’m now in college. I will graduate when I’m 60. It’s never too late. 🎉🎉🎉 P.S. if it weren’t for these videos I don’t think I would have ever recovered.
DAMN !! What an inspiration you are 😊 From one survivor to another .......I feel really proud of of you ❤
That is amazing! Thank you for the inspiration. That absolutely warmed my heart to hear. ❤🎉
We are all cheering for you on this thread!👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Thank you. This is important.
I was twice at the point of recovery that I might have gotten that academic part of my life that deep down I crave, and got metaphorical bricks in the face by new (and old) narcissists in my life. I was in the way, I was not subjecting myself, I wasn't giving and forgiving enough despite organ damage from the stress.
Massive PTSD for 6 years, barely sleep. Therapy-landscape in my country is also full of narcissists. Poland allegedly started to screen and filter their psych-students. Time to do that everywhere.
Maybe one day. . . hopefully the universities aren't completely ruined by then. Or may have even recovered.
You give me new inspiration !
Self care is very important if we want to survive because long term narc relationship can cause nervous system dysregulation. We should be our top priority
I was shamed for 30 years if I wanted to sleep for 8 hours at night. I spent decades only getting 5-6 interrupted hours at night.
Mine tried to get me to quit coffee, quit naps, quit fussing over my dog, 112 lbs wasn't skinny enough, my long hair was boring...it never ended.
Watch for sleep deprivation early in a relationship - it is a COMMON manipulation/sadist tactic that is often not noticed or minimized
I get woken up to mantras of me being a horrible man and evil and want me gone…but somehow that is OK to do when I have to get up at 6am and work 10-12 hour days.
To any survivor reading this. I want you to know. You are worthy of success, You deserve to be in healthy relationships, to have the life you've always wanted, to not feel guilt or shame when you honour your desires, dreams and aspirations.
My narc convinced me for many years that my desire to create art/music was due to my ego and shamed me for doing selfish/useless things when I’d draw or play music. It’s so easy to believe that you are the incorrect one especially when you are a people pleaser and you are used to curtailing your behavior to suit needs of others.
Same. They stop you from doing anything. Then they blame you for not doing anything. Crazy
I had one yell at me for going into business after uni. Saying I was too creative.
Then snigger and mock me for doing arts when I got a scholarship in that field.
'You look nice - going somewhere? Yup...my needs certainly died a death here. My needs arent just secondary they do not exist...... none of my needs are validated......anything I DO is done hidden. I leave in two weeks - its a very difficult time, he is going away on a special cruise, whilst i pay for everything. And, I mean, everything! This financial abuse and psychological (and certain physical abuse: unreasonable reckless demands placed on me - lifting and shifting heavy appliances and furniture - with NO thought for my health - age nor safety) this has been going on since last April. Enough. So now time to literally escape. I am counted as homeless so I have managed to get social housing that is waiting for me. Good luck and much to anyone else in a similar position. I m 72 very soon and this is not the life I envisioned.
Freedom 😊. Matthew 6:31-33. God will provide, trust in Him.
The best to you. Good luck. Been there, done that. It can be hard at times but oh so worth getting away from the Narc!
Escape...
Fredoooom! 💪
🍀🍀🍀🍀
I just turned 72, had gotten out of 3 narcissitic marriages and distanced myself from narc parents before they died. But all their limiting lies are still in my head. I was surrounded by multiple narcs the first 67 years of my life. No kidding, surviving that is a super power. I don't tell many people. I'm sure they think I'm exaggerating. I actually count a narc boss as one of the worst abusers in my life. I should have left before she could run me out, but I waited until she fired me. Then beat myself up for staying so long. Took nearly a decade to win back my self-respect after she got hold of me. Dr. Ramani's perspective in this podcast is especially helpful for dealing with that. I feel a bit more free after listening to that and reading so many comments from others suffering like I did. Congrats on your plans to leave. It is so hard to escape those trauma bonds. I hope you envision great things for your current and future life. I have a business idea that sort of keeps me hopeful as I slowly work toward it. The idea never came to the surface until 3 years ago. I had to be free of all that toxicity I think. May your imagination will take wing as well.
My mother would sabotage me regularly and it was a gleeful power trip for her. She had a desire to dominate something and “win” and I was the target. She saw me as competition, not as a daughter. I then went on to have relationships that repeated this dynamic. Getting away from it has been a lifelong struggle. Exhausting.
The loss of potential makes me sick, too, Dr. Ramani. When bad wins, it's heartbreaking.
Sometimes you have to remind people that every one deserves a comb,brush and shower to take foundational care of themselves 😮
Answer: They ruin your dreams because you get SO exhausted
Rage, jealousy and contempt before you attend your personal health matters. But you get your glow on and go regardless and continue your personal business the whole day. Only to encounter absolute intimidation and an even higher level of rage when you return because you announced you would not even be available even if you didnt have appointments. Nor have you ever indicated or ever given this person validation to their narrative. Because that day they lost total control and they did it themselves. Get your glow on and do not ever let someone assume authority and control over your personal health matters and business. 👑
I went back to college at age 32. My then husband hated that. Four hours before an event where I was going to be awarded a professional woman’s scholarship, he came home with another work ‘catastrophe’. It was always something. Anyhow, he got me so upset I couldn’t go to the event. I had bought a new dress and everything.
😢I'm so sorry
Before our daughter’s wedding she helped me pick out an elegant dress. It was really pretty burgundy backless classy with a mini train. They didn’t have a rehearsal before for the wedding so nobody knew what to do. Right before the wedding my daughter instructed me to go sit down in the front row 20 minutes before the wedding started, she’d send for me. Yep, I didn’t even get to walk down the isle like the “Mother of the Bride” does. I felt like I was just one of the guest. If I would’ve known this I would’ve bought the dress or paid to get my hair professionally done.
Are you saying that you wanted attention?
@@bq1424 Well of course I was the Mother of the Bride. Why would she want me to wear such a beautiful dress and then not want me to walk down the isle first? She wanted to be the center of attention. After all she is a narcissist and has always treated me like I am a nobody.
Should have said: good thing I'm going to be able to make enough money to support several people with my success. With a big 😊.
I have been in narcissistic relationships since I was a child. I'm 35 years old, and I've finally decided to focus on myself again and live out my dreams. It's been a struggle to stop being a codependent enabler to the narcissists, but I am determined to continue on my health and self-discovery journey.
In my opinion, some self-righteous narcissist would not say direct humiliating words when you’re making successful achievements but they would find a way to look down and just be in difference or minimize those by bringing up your weaknesses. The jealousy is absolutely there if they feel you’re doing better and without they even realize they will find a way to sabotage and do things to hinder your success. They just cannot stand it.
My ex narc was very opinionated. In 5 years, he complimented me ONCE, and that was when he first met me. I just thought he was just too shy to say anything, but he would look/stare. He would make fun of others and laugh. I couldn't figure out what was so funny!
I am so glad I left him when I did!
Sounds like nothing but bad news.I take it there must be no hope then.
The character traits mentioned in this video sounds dead accurate.
@@IanNorman-uu7jx The entire relationship with him was bad news!
@@IanNorman-uu7jx Yes, Ian, it was. I'm glad I caught on to him before it was too late. Thanks for your reply.
16:00 oh yes, it's like they WANT things to go wrong, it makes them feel better.
"You should be too big for your britches." So true!
And I'm with you on the dream killers. It is absolutely maddening and disgusting what narcs will do to hold people back from what they really want to do.
It seems that no matter how hard you try to express your feelings and share what's bothering you, they always manage to make things worse instead of offering comfort or support
It’s always hitting a brick wall.
When I wanted to take an aerobics class when my son was one year old, my husband got angry and told me I was selfish for spending money this way. I loved the class, and went on to become an instructor so I got PAID for it. He was even angrier and told me I was selfish for taking this time away from my family. I taught two hours a week. His anger lasted the entire five years I taught.
That's sad and very interesting. It's like he just didn't want you to be happy, healthy or have something in your life that he didn't control. Or like he thought he was entitled to decide what you could do.
It must've made him feel uncomfortable that you weren't under his control.
HE sounds like a selfish BRUTE
He must be hurting a lot if he needs to be negative towards anything good in others lives
“Never clip your wings for another human being” really hit home. The uphill struggle IS worth it. YOU, WE are worth fighting for ourselves. Now that I understand these toxic patterns so much better and can see the light, I’m here for it. 🙏🏼✨🥰❤️
Ooooopsees
I'm Here
For God
The BIGGER PICTURE
THE 🐘 Elephant In The Room
" It "=Narcissist
God=True Love
Omg. In the first sentence you nailed it! I did just that. After a few years of being verbally abused I quit trying to make him happy and focused on me. In the first 2 or 3 years I quit being as affectionate after being pushed away because no time was a good time for a kiss. He even told me I fussed too much over my dog but my dog didn't push me away. Hence the reason once my husband died I realized the dog was enough company for me. And at my age I would rather be alone with a dog than alone with a man.(and I was married 29 years)
Praise His Holy Name.
You are a woman? Sorry, I can't distinguish from the name. And, you know, your comment might be understandable and relatable in one way if you're a woman, but if you're a man or another gender, it's an entirely different thing... just curious.
Oh Wow. The similarities in experiences. I was told that I ask for a back/shoulder rub at the wrong times. This is after 12 hour work days or.long commutes. Also, he gaslight me aver my dog on a regular basis. Would be cruel to him and when I questioned it, I'm making a big deal of it. Thanks for sharing.
@@zuhairrezaWhy does that matter? But SHE indicates at the end her partner was a man.
@@alrinaleroux9229huh?
Once my narc realized that trying to control me was difficult, he switched to quite successfully, sadly, of controlling other people's perception of me... Evil, pure evil
For me it wasn't even extra 'fun' self-care that I slowly lost, it was just general hygiene and health self-care. It took me until a year out of my toxic relationship to finally feel ok buying myself new glasses after putting up with broken frames for over a year. It took almost two years to start taking time to do preventative doctor and dental checkups again. Even habits like showering and brushing teeth every day were hard to do while in the relationship! All my time had to be spent catering to the narcissist and trying to prevent blow-ups.
Oh yes this has happened to me……didn’t get dental care for me cos of what he was saying/doing. Made me feel guilty etc
Me too. I was in total shape entering the relationship and not at the end. Getting back to it now.
F That
i hear u on brushing ones teeth and yeah i hear u on doing all the work too
Don’t feel sorry for yourself.
Feel sorry for them, they are hopeless!
You can do anything!!
Since childhood I stored a little light in myself (during so much abuse by parents) that no one could ever managed to put out of me. This little light of mine is now rising thanks to Your support to Us. ❤️
I can relate you're not alone it's been too dark for far too long Sis. Dr Ramani reminding me every day has helped me so so much I hope it does you as well💜🫂
I had to completely cut ties with my toxic narcissistic mother, and some siblings shortly after my dad passed. I had ended a 21-year abusive marriage with a narcissist in 2016, and when my verbally and emotionally abusive dad passed, I just couldn't do it anymore. I was done being abused. I was done being the door mat, punching bag, and scapegoat. I cut all ties to heal. And yes, I have been ridiculed for having to do this in order to take care of myself. I am exhausted from all the years of abuse, rage, blame, hoovering, abandonment, attacks, and love bombs. My family just does not understand. It's all me..what is the matter with me? Nothing. I am working on my healing and enjoying freedom. I finally am getting to know who I am, and I like who I am. I do not have to work hard anymore to try to get my mom to love me. I get to work on loving myself.
I felt the same exhaustion, even though I only distanced myself from narc parents, rather than cut them off totally. But after I retired, I was finally able to get more like 7 hours of sleep a night, instead of 4. That helped a great deal. The parents are dead now and it wasn't until their funerals that I felt the weight totally lift. I hope it feels like that for you, now you are free of them. Now to creating a new family of choice, rather than birth. I wish us both success in that endeavor.
Dealing with a narcissist is like trying to forge through the Amazon jungle….with a pocket knife.
You lose your sense of direction and there’s thicket at every turn.
My ex husband seemed to pretend to be happy when I got my bachelors degree then when I began working on my doctorate.. but each time he’d be caught cheating and it became my fault. I don’t think he ever wanted me to do better. I never understood that until I began watching Dr. Ramani’s videos.
Wow. Mine has thrown various tantrums and who knows what has gone on that i haven't discovered?! He took his wedding ring off 10 days ago when inconfronted him about prn use
@@nmc1859. There is an easy test to see if porn users are truly in Satan’s grasp or just fallible humans like the rest of us: “and every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God (1 John 4:3).” It is easy to say this from the outside, but drive him over to have a meeting with a pastor, ask the pastor what the Gospel of Christ is, and see what his reaction is to the Gospel-an offer of free forgiveness of all sins.
@@nmc1859good job
Yes!!! Every Mother’s Day was a silent treatment. He never encouraged my children to do anything special for me.
"But you aren't my mother!". The cry of narcissistic husbands every where. Jerks.
I grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness, then I married one. I woke up to realize I’m in a cult married to a passive aggressive narcissist. Thank you Dr Ramani for counterbalancing my thoughts ❤
I grew up JW too, so I totally understand. We were set up to fail in relationships right from the start, bc the cult is the ultimate form of an abusive relationship. I hope you get out (I did.)
I friend of mine was in the JWs and got thrown out at a young age. He always insisted on being his own person and following his interests that built confidence. Exceptional story.
He recently passed away, living with a self-righteous, almost choleric, narcissist that he thought a friend. He was only more and more stressed the past months and responded less and less to communication. I suppose he fell back into some of the necessary self-protective habits. He wanted to move out by next summer.
The narcissist is all grandstanding and woe is me about it all. I'm sure it was hard for the narcissist to have his "friend" die too, but the way he speaks sounds like a cartoon villain where you hear in every line that it is all about him being the bestest person ever who sees himself as better than our mutual friend in every way. He calls out lost friend "brother" (they're not related) but it sounds like he's talking about a lost pet...
Why is this a thing. My father attempted to raise us a JW. None of them are a next of kin for me
I come from being the scapegoat/invisible child. My older sibling has an inability to connect with me. I was isolated during childhood. I was held down and from achieving too much. It was difficult. But long story short, I have just completed a Bachelor in Education Degree at the age of 45. We can do it... Against all odds. R
Congratulations!! Both for your achievement and for the hard work it took to get what you earned * applause *
Your inspiring me as a scapegoat from a narcissist family. I often feel left behind by my peers because of the many ways I've been sabotaged by my narcissistic father. I will keep moving forward. Plus I'm really proud of you! ❤️❤️❤️
@@Samuel_L.B Thank you. Set that goal, and don't let go.
@@amarbyrd2520 Thank you.
I had to give up from condo, my autonomy, my friends, job, career, needs, my authenticity, relationships and my mental health, but I am taking myself back thru your healing program and taking steps in that direction daily. Keeping my boundaries and focusing on my life again. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
One of the last things my mother told me the other day was intended to be an insult to me ended up being an actual compliment. She said that im nothing like her.
As a survivor, I can confirm: that's exactly what Narcissists do. They have no humility to speak of, and boast of ANYTHING they can make up just to spite you. They are ANATHEMA to all that is good in your life, just to see you broken. Whereas another fellow human being would help you aim to greater heights, all they can think of is how to bring you DOWN.
Being all by yourself beats being next to someone like this ANY AND ALL DAYS.
I recently got out of a 25 year marriage. This is exactly what I’m working on now. Trying to find my worth, value and what I love. I don’t even know anymore. When I’m with friends and asked to find a spot for us to sit, I panic. Others don’t understand how debilitating it is. This video is so encouraging. I’m going to rewatch it a lot. Thank you Dr Ramani. I might still be stuck in that relationship if not for your videos and understanding about this stuff 😊
Good for you! Its only the beginning but better late than never.
Same for me. We got this! Onward and upward my friend. You will have bad days and good days but stay strong as you head forward into more good days than bad and eventually just good days. ❤
Congratulations🤗👏👏👏
I was one of those people who was ashamed of my wasted time until I read something that said "if you start now it will take you the same amount of time to complete it as it would have if you did it years ago" basically if you worry about how long it will take to achieve your dreams after a delay it will only delay it more. So just do it now.
I had to take care of home/kids/job while he went to the gym. I was shamed for talking with friends on the phone. He stalked me when I went for walks and threatened me. So after 29 years I am isolated, overweight and have autoimmune diseases. BUT my divorce was final on Tuesday. Yay!!
Congrats!!
Hooray !
I wish you all the best in life and that all your dreams come true.
congratulations. most of my lifelong (65 years) autoimmune disease cleared up when I separated myself from all the toxic people in my life. I hope you find support in your continued single life. Make sure your friends aren't toxic, either. They were pulling me down and were the last to go. Then relief started to come.
Good for you!!!!❤
He always told me I wasn't capable of doing anything for myself. He made it clear I needed him for everything but yet he was never really there when I did need him.
Dr. Ramani. This video is an inspiration to me. I can’t thank you enough for your honesty and caring for people going through the trauma of narcissism abuse. Last Christmas I decided to go no contact with my older daughter. this week I radically excepted that my younger daughter is narcissistic as well. Losing both of my daughters is incredibly painful. We are a very small family. The prospect of losing them all breaks my heart. This video has given me hope for the future. I’m 74 and I’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse my whole life. Thank you so much for the hard work that you do.
Daughter's Have Qualities Of Their Father,
Remember
ALWAYS
@@RADHIKAAAAA-n2q truer words were never spoken. They are just like their dad.
Stay away from them.
Without these videos I think I would still be making excuses or blaming myself instead of seeking out therapy and talking to a friend.
From trying to eat healthy, to advancing my career, to education, I've been sabotage my whole marriage. My love for her would not allow me to see the truth of the matter. Since learning of NPD I know it's not my fault anymore. Thanks for the info.
After 23 years I'm still not over the abuse from my covert narcissist husband (who all adored), yet I didn't let him stop me from achieving my dreams. In fact, I think I achieved more out of pure determination from living with such confusing punishment for way, way too long. Unfortunately we didn't know back then about narcissism. And it was many years until I realized he got off on punishing me in any way he could. If he knew one thing didn't work, he'd try another until he found something that would work. My health suffered so he managed by beating me up emotionally. Please don't forget that they enjoy our pain.
Had my own biz for five years. An LLC. I LOVED it. Looking back, I know I let the negative comments intimidate me and lessen my self-confidence. Yes, I am quite angry when I look back. But I don't want to be angry at myself for letting the narcissist debilitate me. I just want to see the experience as a lesson. But man, wish I had learned all this sooner.
I was a total innocent. Even decades later, I'm having revelations of how he sabotaged the things I liked.
It's sad I was married to someone who diminished me and stressed me.
I feel he didn't even like me. I guess I was just picked for looks and he thought emotional abuse was okay to discharge all his own insecurities..
Thank you so much, Doctor Ramani. It is incredible, how you can help me heal from a lifetime of complex PTSD with a pervert mother and a covert father. I spent my life trying to please my poor daddy who was a victim of my evil mom. He was not able to defend himself, so his children took this responsibility for him. It is only when I had a severe depression, after being a pathological people pleaser for all my life, that I realized: My father manipulated me for my whole life. He even tried to turn my son against me and almost succeeded. I am now 51 and just starting to understand all of this. Your work has such a great importance in my life. Thank you so much for shining your true self... that the world so much needs. All my love and respect to you, beautiful human xxx
I’m married to a narcissist at the moment. When I go to get my hair done, or do something for myself he abruptly toss in my face that I’m being a bad mother and a bad wife because I’m caring for myself. My husband is the worse kind of narcissist. My husband lies, cheats, disrespects me, and demeans me often and it’s all my fault according to him.
Sometimes I think all these narc husbands are secretly gay and hate women
Perfect timing. Thank you! “Why do narcissists try to ruin the big days in your life?” Glad someone said it! Very validating right now. They’re not happy if you’re not doing well enough, (you’re not good enough) and they’re not happy if you actually start to do well. It’s impossible to be around them. Thank you for this video!
I remember I started gardening again to deal with my depression when my mother's health started to decline, and she was heading towards hospice. It was what she, my grandmother, and I used to do when I was young. I grew all kinds of peppers, berries, herbs, and vegetables. When someone asked me about it, I got so excited and was about to get into it. That is until my dad put his hand up and told them, "Don't get her started! Otherwise, you'll never get her to stop talking." Then he went on to look at me and say, "Nobody cares, it's not about you." It was so diminishing of how proud I was of my little garden; it wasn't much but it was mine. Now that she is gone, it's hard for me to go out there without crying, and it makes me feel small to think that something so important to me was seen as so foolishly trivial. Then when I was talking about ways we could help my mother in her transition towards the end of life he told me, "It's easy for you to say or talk about, it's not like you're losing anything." I replied, "You're right, she's just my mother." He looked at me like he had never considered that before. I have countless moments where I was made to feel small right before a big event... music recitals, birthdays, Christmas parties, my aunt's wedding where he made cry right before I was supposed to walk down the aisle as a bridesmaid while telling me, "Are you crying? The world doesn't care about your tears. So, tell me, why should I?" Now that my mother is gone, I feel detached and have distanced myself. It has honestly been the best thing for me, and I do not regret it. Not one bit! Now that I am gone, he acts super nice to me when he calls. However, I hear secondhand from family members how he really feels about me as a person. I know my mother would have wanted me to continue to try to have a relationship with him, but I can't. I just can't!
Getting away from that toxicity is your right. I hope you don't let anyone shame you into feeling that you have to stay connected to someone who has been so damaging to you. Listen to your own heart, your body. This is a difficult thing to say but someone who is so blind to who you are, doesn't really care about you. I hope you create a new and happy future for yourself. You deserve it!
Thank you for this comment 🙌.. I am so glad I am not alone ❤️
Being able to grow food is a survival matter! Enjoy being with nature.
The narcy parent? I fell for the nice phone conversations - found out the hard way it way just for the 'lure'.
@goodydoo82, And you shouldn't feel pressured to have a relationship with him. It's wonderful that you found solace in gardening. You have a good spirit. Your mother was lucky to have such a loving daughter. Stay strong! 🙏🏼❤
Do not fall for the nicy nice 😊 YOU ARE STRONG 💪🏽, BEAUTIFUL 😍 🥰 LOVED BY THE ALMIGHTY GOD WHO GAVE YOU SUCH AN AMAZING HEART ❤️ TO CONNECT TO EARTH 🌍 AND TO GROW YOUR OWN FOOD 🍱 AND BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS!! YOUR MOTHER IS WITH YOU 😅IN SPIRIT AND EVERY TIME YOU ARE THERE IN THE GARDEN 🪴 TO GROW AND SEE THE BEAUTIFUL ALL AROUND YOU-REMEMBER THE TRUTH OF WHY YOU LEFT DARKNESS ! BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY AND LOVE ❤️ P.S. I lost my Beautiful Mother on Grandmothers Day 10/10/23@12:00 midnight and I felt her heart ❤️ 😢leave me and I know you’re Loss …. But go in Peace Angel 😇 she’s with you!
Radical acceptance and awareness makes me see how vulnerable I truly am to the subtle things that make me uncomfortable and erode my self esteem. I see and hear more but try not to be affected by those things. The constant psychological battle is exhausting.
I have survived narcissistic abuse and couldn't agree more it is a super power! It does take time and it's hard to even imagine ever feeling like you'll feel like you'll have a super power. It took leaving a narc marriage and meeting countless more to find that power, but my goodness did I find it! For those going though this believe in yourself, you are strong. Dr Ramani you are an amazing women and it is people like you that make all the difference in the world. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do.
One month before my thesis was due for submission to complete my Master's degree, my narc husband threw a big tantrum and disappeared for 3 days, leaving me with our 11-month-old baby. Thanks, Doc! You are right on!
OMG ... that's exactly what I've done for decades ... self care on the sly. Everything must be perfect at home and then I sneak out while he's at work to go to doctor/dentist and vet appointments for my cats and dog. It is pretty nerve-wracking, but telling him is worse.
My ex narc was very opinionated. I received 1 compliment in 5 years, and that was in the beginning. He made fun of people and expect me to laugh with him. He was jealous of what other people have. Oh,how he LOVED Sports cars! He would stare at the owner getting inside the car with ENVY..So glad i left him. Another GREAT topic!!
I was told that my birthday was “All about you” and diminished. Left walking home on my own one birthday because he said I was arguing when he picked a fight
Was offered a membership of the RSA in London because of my achievements for work and disabled. He smeared the offer saying they were only after my membership fee!
It never felt the same again!
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Your achievements are great, every single one of them. Including the ability to get up and face the day after dealing with such a horrible experience. Whatever the reason for your recognition, it is still more than many have been able to accomplish. So, celebrate you, even if nobody else does!
Similar experiences. People who haven’t been in a narcissistic relationship have a hard time believing this stuff happens. You are a good person, never doubt it.
@@margaretgrace5902 You are so right. I had friends turned against me based on things the covert narc told them about me. They are geniuses about projecting an excellent front - they can make anybody look bad if they want to.
My sister always got presents on my birthday so she wouldn't be jealous. I didn't get presents on hers...
I've had a few birthdays ruined!!!
I find your words so comforting. Thank you 🙏🏻. Narcissistic relationships are very lonely places to be, and it comforts me to listen to you - you truly understand x
Severe all relationships with malignant narcissists completely! Ask yourself would you work for a company with a toxic culture? It is the narcissist who has to step down from thier high horse and court and win you over not vice versa and if they can't well then it is their loss because of their malady and not yours. Period. Don't take over half a century to work this one out as I did.
Ask yourself if you would tolerate this treatment from any other person in your life besides the narcissist. When you think about it in those terms it makes it a lot easier to cut them out.
@@ThimbleFox350My narcs were the people who raised me. Wish had've been lucky and simply dated a narc (which I understand is a nightmare) instead of tortured throughout my non-existent childhood and beyond. Wonder if I'll ever heal.
@matthewsheeran yes, it took me 25 years to leave, I was in my early 40’s, I had had enough and it was SO bad that I knew once I left, I’d never go back. It’s been 5 years now of no contact with my mom and sister. My son just turned 18 and last night told me “I know me and Benny will never be cool, never, because of his mom and Grammy”, so 5 yrs later and my mom and sister still don’t want my nephew to have anything to do with my son. Sad. They’ve painted my son out to be this bad kid and he IS NOT!!!!!!! It’s true that no matter how long goes by, they still are out to get me. I can be at my lowest, they STILL will do whatever they can to screw me over. Biggest lesson I learned, they can never b the person I am, the jealousy is eating them up! My mom is the foundation of all this. My mom has caused all this. Sick!!!!!
23:04 - This. Exhausting. When my energy was gone…I went with it.
My narcissistic pastor has continually put down my awesome education, saying that degrees and colleges mean nothing. I’m sick of it.
Wow so sad 😢
And than means your degrees mean A LOT. I have dated several narc men that were all less educated than me and they all tried to diminish my diplomas and my career. They are jalous. Just like your pastor.
Survivor here - brother was diagnosed 1 year ago with NPD. Then i found myself on this page! Dr Ramani has literally helped answer all the questions I had about my Brother. As a survivor, im here to encourage all readers that you have the power to say No and walk away. It will take time, but it works - if you are reading this - im proof that you will be ok, and that you are not alone! Keep at these videos, find a therapist or as the good Dr says, find a community group online (using a friends phone), so you dont get isolated ❤ YOU GOT THIS
Back in 2017, I got accepted into an Ivy League school for grad school. My ex-husband and ex-MIL right away said that "It's easy to get into top schools with your discipline. There isn't as much competition." It's an Ivy League with the lowest acceptance rate.
Another time, I had to make a paypal payment for an international conference and I didn't have paypal. My ex-husband said he'd let me use his. He kept saying "I'll do it later" and then 6 hours before the deadline, he said he can't. My best friends living in different time zones helped me out in 2 hours.
Wanted to organize a special dinner with families from both of our sides on our first anniversary. My ex-MIL threw a tantrum that her sister and niece have to be invited, but no extended family from my side. And then threw a tantrum that she won't come if the guest list is not as per her preference. We gave up the plan.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Your insights about NPD helped me find closure....because that man and his mother never apologized.
Thank you for this. I desperately need to get out and escape my narc family. All my life I was humiliated for not being as numb as them and they kept gaslighting me to the point that I barely finish my projects/education. I graduated but my personal projects were put on hold because of my family's toxicity.
Much love from the Philippines.
I remember one time, the narcissist in my life decided that me graduating college with an associate's degree was too good for him. He prevented me from being able to go to my graduation party. And he even hid my degree paper. To this day I still have a picture of my degree paper but I still cannot find it. Unfortunately it's going to cost money to even try to get a replacement for it and I still have a hard time bringing myself to spend it
I’m sorry this happened. That’s a great accomplishment. Please get a copy of your certificate. If it’s out of your budget, ask the school if there is a form to fill out for financial hardship or speak to a counselor there (even if my phone or email) You worked hard for your degree, please don’t let him “win.” If you have the money, please get it, you are worth it and he should not have control over this situation. You deserve better.
I can completely relate to you and the hiding important papers and the necessary things, documents, you name it.
Get a print made of the photo.
If you do get a copy of the degree, you will need to hide it from him and not let him even know you have it.
I couldn't imagine living like that. I would find it frightening to have someone in my home who didn't have my back.
After my husband's controlling escalated to continual emotional abuse, i saw a counsellor (he wouldn't come with me), who got me to realise I was being abused beyond what was acceptable.
After I left, even decades later, I have new realisations of how he sabotaged me. It's scary and hurtful. I was so naive.
😮
I was raised with a narcissist father and codependent mother. I don’t like the term self care and I was raised to feel it is selfish to do things for yourself when when someone else is/may be suffering or doing without…. So, no self care.
Same.pattern
@OG_lesliedixon , Now you are armed with self knowledge . I believe you can grow into a better self!
The road to recovery is very hard and long indeed, but believe in yourself and educate yourself. It helps
Yes--was the recipient of snide remarks at my college graduation. Yet, flip side, so sweet and consoling when I failed at something. Man, I can so relate.
Your videos and podcasts have been so helpful for me. Narcissists are attracted to me like bees to honey. My mother is one, and I married one. The more I practice, the faster I catch these familiar patterns in my relationships. Yes, the wasted years and the loss of potential are heartbreaking for me. I could give you a long list of them. I just want to get to the point that narcissists are repelled by me. I have honestly just tried to stay alone because it's safer, finally moving forward in a career and getting my own modest house set up. I am 50 years old, two years out of a divorce. I finally am starting to feel as though my head is getting above water.
My "stories"? I could write a book. A couple of small examples about my mother: I was my high school mascot. I was basically performing as a cheerleader, but in a 30-degree hotter suit, and with larger body gestures. I was so good at it, that a nationally-recognized cheer organization placed me third on the West Coast and offered me a scholarship. But, my mother downplayed it. She would not take me to the interview, and she made a joke out of the whole affair. It was not until years later that I got some stage recognition, working as a dancer for a couple of modestly-famous music bands, and I realized how she must have known that she was sabotaging me. Thirty years later, my mother is 81, and she sabotaged my nephew's wedding, out of state. He first moved his wedding date to accommodate her, then when she realized that she was going to be lodging with me, my son, and my ex-husband (another narcissist), she pulled out. I had to cancel my vacation rental. I am used to her shenanigans now though, and had a back-up plan to stay with my sister and the wedding party in cabins, close to the wedding destination. I am not sure if my son and my ex-husband will come now, but at least I have a plan in place for myself. That's the best you can do with a narcissist. And, NEVER tell them of your plans, if there is at all a glimmer of a chance that they can sabotage you, because they will- mark my words. They want the attention on themselves, good or bad, no matter what.
I dated a guy whose ex asked that we change dates and child care for her visit with his daughter to his city. So we changed all our arrangements.
Then she wanted to change it all again. He was going to, but I said no, it's not reasonable, and involves a whole chain of people changing their plans. (Including even the grandmother of my daughter).
She didn't need the change. I think she just likes fussing and drama and maybe getting people at her disposal so she feels significant?
This is such an extremely accurate explanation of my past narcissistic marriage. I'm healing so quickly now that I'm not around that.
Yes. She kept trying to get me to quit my job (a job I loved), and would put me down saying I was arrogant and braggy because I was happy with my work and proud of my accomplishments. For the record, I am not arrogant...I just have a cheerful self-appreciation.
It is no surprise they are suddenly behaving very well. It hurts their ego too much to know they're being studied 😂😂😂. Some are apologizing to me, which of course I accept... but I remain under your guidance because It has rewired my brain and changed my life forever. I'm going to really enjoy your book. We need to keep studying this fascinating group. They are going to be back at it in about five minutes.
This video/audio sent chills up my spine. You know “my” TWO narcissists so very well. My first, 46 year tight marriage, my biggest fear was FEAR. Once I left and came back more than a few times, he never, ever in 46 years said I’m sorry. When I finally left for the very last time, people that knew I were shocked! They said, no way…you two are “perfect” we always thought you were Ozzie and Harriet. My second narcissist was slightly “better” but ALL of your points hit home. I left him and now have been in therapy for a year and making beautiful strides to Living alone; happily. You, Dr. Ramani and Nejwa Zebian♥️ and my therapist are bringing me to the person I always should have been. I’m loving my life. Thank you, thank you. Perhaps Dr Ramani your next book should be to NEW parents, how NOT to raise a narcissist.
This video hits home more than you know. I have been criticized about self care and telling my boyfriend that I need to focus on me for a bit.
He said that was a very selfish thing to say to someone and he has NEVER even thought about himself in our relationship.
Even though making more money for the household benefits the Narcissist, sabotaging the ability to train or promote. Not about getting ahead, about eating up the energy of someone else doing better. Yep, been there.
I believe the stress I was put under dusting my 25 year relationship with my covert narcissist partner/ husband was the main cause of my stage 3c cancer.
I’ve worked so hard to get away and start to focus on m. I am still here 6 years after diagnosis to look after my girls who were not responsible for their narcissistic step fathers behaviour but didn’t get the support they needed.
You may be right! My Mother used to worry about me and tell me that putting up with the Narc would make me sick. I suffered a low-grade depression for years but never put two and two together until the guy had to serve a 3-year jail sentence! For the first time in years the depression lifted, and I got my old energy back! After that I was more mindful of what I was doing to myself.
This all is incredibly spot on.
My ex said things like, “a monkey could do your job” shortly after I’d win a big award.
He would undercut and question my abilities every promotion I got.
He said, “I am here, and you are here.” *putting his hand high up for him and low for me* because, at the time, he made more.
Now, almost a year after the traumatic event that was the move out, I am happily living alone and making more money than him.
8:29 that coffee maker analogy was HILARIOUS & SPOT ON🤣🤣
Abandonment anxiety I’ve heard of and experienced with children. BUT separation anxiety is when they pick an enormous fight , throw a huge wobbly before they leave for what they are doing or vice versa . Resulting in leaving you feeling destabilized for the tasks you need to perform.
Fully monitored and completely alone though married with children. Thank God, I have God.
My narcissistic mother literally tried to pathologize me as autistic because I had certain sensitivities. Because my responses to those sensitivities to bright lights or hunger or stress got in the way of what my mother wanted to do with me, she spent years trying to take me to clinics and diagnose me with a spectrum disorder. Then I ended up with a girlfriend and now wife who is a mental health professional, and it turns out I can't be diagnosed by the DSM as autistic. I was perfectly fine--I just have my own typical human vulnerabilities that need to be cared for! So yeah, my need for self-care was admonished to the utmost degree.
The most severe sabotage I experienced was from my narcissistic mother. My daughter passed away and rather than being there for me she checked herself into the hospital and said that she was having a nervous breakdown. I ended up being there for her rather than mourn the loss of my daughter. She then refused to assist with any funeral arrangements stating that she couldn’t deal with it. She did many other things during that time to ensure that I wouldn’t get any attention or help from other family members. It took me many years to realize that she really didn’t want me to have any attention during that time. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all of your videos. They’ve helped me tremendously!
"Never clip your wings for another human being. Love means letting someone soar and limiting another human being in any way is abuse"🙏🙏🙏🙏❤❤❤ Thanks for the reminder ❣️
When I learned - thanks to you - I was being abused I decided to put an end to almost 20 years marriage with a malignant covert narcissist. I was determined to fly high and now I'm flying. Thanks to you, I got bended but no way broken💜💜💜
I never could put my foot on why I felt guilty and reserved about saying anything that I would do in reference to taking care of myself I felt so guilty. The responses I would get were , strange and bizarre, or completely ignored, and trivialized ….Ie-“ sharing an exercise feeling stronger day,
and was told “I’m nervous for you. I just care you are doing too much “???just didn’t know what was happening with the covert narcissist. this has has pinpointed it perfectly!
Goodness, almost everything you have said here reminds me of everything I went through in my adolescence and young adulthood at the hands of my surviving parent and enabling relatives. Thank you for this encouraging post.
My narc would keep trying to sabotage my desire to lose weight. He'd support it verbally then go buy candy for me after i asked him not to, or keep asking me if i wanted more food, knowing i have triggers. I had to keep telling him over and over. He finally listened and stopped but yeesh. I think for him it was the worry that id "get hot and leave" , you know, the typical stereotype
jhjl😮😮😮
Oh..but let's not forget that the only way he showed love with food . So you either had to accept all the junk food from him or get nothing.
As I was listening to this video,my husband came to me and asked if I wanted a turn over! I’m a diabetic for 25 years. I have try to get him stop.I’m an diabetic No sugar. This video hit me right in the face. 550
I can relate to this, my cn does this to me too. Similarly, when buying me a gift, for Christmas or birthday, he will get me something I don't want. Something I haven't showed any interest in, OR, I'll tell him something specific when he asks me, and he'll get something similar but not the actual thing I asked for. But I can't be disappointed because then I'm selfish and unappreciative. The same goes for the candy bar or ice cream when he knows I'm trying not to eat those things, he must get affirmation and a pat on the back for being considerate of me.
My NM tries to sabotage my desire to gain weight. She has tried to bully me into not wanting to gain weight, she gets aggressive when i express my desire to gain weight, she shames me for this desire, calls me ungrateful, she seems to cause drama with me when I start working out, gaslights me by saying I'd turn into a "buffalo butt" and act as if my body is hers. I'm 25, tall and slim. I just want to gain a little fat and muscle. But her real problem is that she threatened by me gaining weight and looking more "womanly". She has said several times that she think women shouldn't be skinny. Rather they should have more fat on them. She wants to lose weight but she's afraid of becoming too skinny. She has a big butt and that's what she wants. But if i say that my butt is too small, she gets defensive and tries to convince me that my butt perfect for my size. But really, she just doesn't want men showing interest in me when I'm with her.
"Your coffee maker walks off the counter" 🤣🤣🤣
As for my exhusband, he knew I didn't have access to a vehicle nor could I drive (tried to get my license unsuccessfully up til that point and he refused to help).
He kept saying if I can't get home on my own, then don't leave home.
There was a time I wanted to go to an event, he knew this, I wanted him to go with me
...he also knew drinking alcohol gave him a headache and he did just that and laid across the floor in his parents' house.
When I broke up with him he decided to tell me about other women being interested in him knowing I had exams that day. This was after he said he wanted to remain friends so it's not like I didn't tell him about the day...when I say my love for him died, I mean it.
Thank you for the work you do on this subject. I'll never have the words to describe how much you've helped me.
I am trying g to clean out a garage.
I spent hours cleaning out and have piles to go through and organize and throw away garbage or get old paint and stuff to bring to drop off station.
My wife starts calling me a hoarder and insane. She puts items on shelves I am trying to clean off.
She takes items like a chair I want to keep and throws them to the street.
I am in the middle of cleaning it all up.
I have everything outside of the garage and have been cleaning things out since 2 p’m and now at 7:45 pm and am being sabotaged and verbally abused.
I just spent evenings and weekends over 6 weeks( there was a lot of rain) saving money by re-roofing the garage ( it was leaking and a disaster before)
No gratitude, though I would settle for zero response over the shaming.
It is endless shaming and sabotaging.
Sorry to vent…I am just at wit’s end.
My narc ex husband literally ruined EVERY birthday, holiday & special event throughout our relationship. It alienated me & made my support system even smaller.... until I untangled myself & moved on.
Years ago when I was in school for my Bachelor’s degree, before I ever knew what narcissism was. My husband use to start arguments or pick fights before my exams or when I was studying. I eventually figured out what he was doing and did try to bring it to his attention . That was hopeless and such a waste of time. . It all make sense now , what he was doing.
Exactly 💯 been there 😢