It’s all about them and their needs. No reciprocation, no understanding. You’re just giving all of your energy to a void and nothing ever comes back to you. It’s extremely draining.
I found papers after I had him arrested, he was diagnosed (Mt Sinai) Covert, Malignant Narcissist with sociopath behaviors… That explains him breaking my shoulder, putting my head through the wall, and he popped my right eardrum…
Totally agree!!! It involves a family member, who is demanding & doesn’t see how she is so rude to others. So we try to avoid her as much as possible, but we cannot totally ignore her. Unfortunately! It is so frustrating!!! 🤨🤐😟
Not to mention I can't have any friends, company, church or social circles. It's lonely in here. Thank God for work, where I have the occasional conversatioms!
4 personality traits that make the narcissist exhausting: 1)Extreme envy of everything positive in your life, 2)Non-stop passive aggressive attacks, 3)Disagreeing with anything and everything you say, 4)Competing with you down to the smallest things in life.
I had one like this and one friend just got away from their nightmare of three years and I’m witnessing two who seem unaware or just eating it that they are stuck with their narcs and me and my just released friend got to pretend we are not the kid who can tell the emperor’s clothing isn’t real and see the truth beyond skin deep/surface level and keep our lips zipped infinitely until they find out or see for themselves.
This. The mental gymnastics you have to deal with to keep the peace makes it hard for other people to know what you’re going through because it’s not a physical kind of abuse that they can see firsthand. Some people will think you’re too sensitive even because it’s not like this person is bad continuously, some times it will be good but other times will be bad but to other people it will appear that this person is most charming and helpful. But this list. I felt this and knew instinctively that this person had no good intentions towards me.
@@rhanna12 People who aren't concerned enough to learn about narcissism to understand what you're going through aren't worth your time. They're either flying monkeys for narcissist or narcissist themselves.
When I finally left my narcissist after 20+ years, he started sending me cassette tapes with him talking, trying to win me back. I have no idea what he said.I dropped every single one in the trash without listening. I eventually left the state and eventually married the most wonderful, funny and loving man five years later. It wasn’t easy, but even my children supports my decision even though he made life difficult for them. You can do it!
I had to drop out of university twice. The first time, because of my narc mother. The second time, because of narc colleagues (managers and team leaders, mostly), landlords/landladies, letting agents, and housemates. They just cannot stand to see you read a book or study a textbook or use a laptop (spreadsheets, maths or chemistry software, writing code...). They want your attention.
We shouldn't blame ourselves for believing in them. Only after experiencing the pain many times they inflict we will know that people like this existed.
I know about this at the age of 41.2 time in mental hospital and the doc there say im ok.so?Hope and pray to all to recover from this bad and learn how to overcome our problem.
@@timothymohammedholland7197 Yes, unfortunately most working in the "mental health" field don't know about or understand narcissistic abuse. They don't understand what it does to the person being abused, and they would rather believe that WE are mentally ill. All they can do is pump us full of pharmaceutial drugs, but this doesn't solve the problem at all! The only solution is to leave that abusive relationship, and don't look back. And then, work on healing the damage to yourself that was done by the narcissist. And be alert in the future for those red flags, so as not to get involved with another narc! I wish you good health and peace moving forward.
“They are SO committed to their version of reality…” So much wasted time and energy, as you cannot have a reasonable conversation based in actual reality. A therapist once said this to me regarding my narcissist ex-husband: “‘Crazy’ defines the conversation.” That’s it. A waste of time and energy.
450 views in the first 12mins ..this tells us how many people are looking forward to Dr. Ramani's insights in the morning😊 Just like me. This is like early morning therapy for me.
I love Dr. Ramani. Having worked around Psych Docs and SWers in many places, she is hands down absolutely the best. So grateful for her wisdom and service to this Nation.
@@Strengtheningselffirst2 Yes, unfortunately most in the mental health field don't understand narcissistic abuse! They would rather say WE are mentally ill, WE are depressed, WE are anxious. But without addressing the real source of the problem, it becomes an unending cycle, once you get caught up on the mental health hampster wheel. Now that we know the truth, we are better equipped to take care of ourselves. To heal from those past narc relationships, and see to it we don't become involved with another one!
As for self care, who got the "Who you dressing up for huh??? Who you gonna go F#$% AROUND WITH???" After like, combing your hair, changing your clothes, etc. 😅 I can't believe how much I put up with omg
OMG! yes. Mine used to complain how long it took for me to dry my hair which was long because that is what he liked and kept nagging for me to grow my hair. He used to tell me, I had other GF's before and none took so long to groom. He used to comment on why I would groom before going to the gym with him. He used to watch every single guy in the guy telling me I was doing it for them. NO, I just can't go to the gym with 2 feet of wet hair!!!!!
The removal of constant eggshells was the greatest relief and gave me the bandwith to care for my then toddler son and infant daughter despite the family courts' prejudices versus men. I have true joint custody of two well-adjusted teenagers now, btw.
@Chief_Chill I'd recommend channels like this, and the books "In Sheep’s Clothing" (clinical analysis) psychopathfree (visceral analysis) and Byron Katie's "I Need Your Love, Is That True?"(challenging your own choices, but be wary, Katie's work can be taken too far imo) Best of luck!
My mother was coming over to my house every day, 7 days a week, so that we could sit at my table, drink, and talk. Well, she would talk. And talk. And talk. And talk. And complain. And reminisce. And laugh. And cry. And rage. And brag. And drink. And drink. And drink. And talk. And interrupt. And talk. She'd leave, and I'd collapse on my couch, utterly drained. Finally, after three years, I exploded, and screamed at her till she left. Now she tells everyone she has no daughters, and no one loves her. I swear to God, she did it on purpose. She pushed me till I snapped.
I'm sorry you had to endure all of that to then be labeled as the problem when you finally had enough. They're never there for you if you need a listening ear, but they sure do love to constantly talk about what THEY want to talk about...mostly THEMSELVES!
My mother was like this, and I had landladies and letting agents who were like this. Even if they didn't live in the flat, they would 'drop in' to see how I was, as well as leave me voicemails, text messages... I just couldn't rest after work... and I really needed to switch off as I was working for narcissist bosses/managers. I live in England and people are really nosy. It's actually easier to 'hide' in a big town (where you can find libraries and coffee shops, or, worst case scenario, gyms open 24/7). In more rural areas people will drop in all the time, using as a pretext the fact that you are single, and they are 'worried' that you must be lonely...
I'd love to live in England. If I must have my ears talked off, let it be with that accent. LOL! But no, in reality, it's just no fun. I wouldn't enjoy it for long.@@yehmen29
@@yehmen29 You need to get a big dog that doesn't like people stopping by. I lived in England too but I'm in Canada, small towns are all the same. I had everyone from my hairdresser to plumber stopping by at one point but I ended up keeping my blinds open and used large headphones so they would see I can't hear anyone ringing me or door knocking. Even my dogs barking was a no go to the door, lol. It worked! They stopped bothering me :)) Maybe it will work for you too, just a thought.
Now I understand why I find it so difficult to sleep, yet wonder how my partner manages to start snoring the moment he hits the bed no matter the confrontation before bedtime.
Dr Ramani, you’re spot-on about the sleep issues and narcissistic abuse. I didn’t realize how tired I was until I got away from that relationship and actually slept through the night uninterrupted for the first time.
He would interrupt my sleep on purpose. Woke me up at 2/3 am almost every night wanting sex despite me asking him not to repeatedly. He would then sulk when he didn't get what he wanted and blame me for his behaviour. It was apparently my fault because I wasn't in the mood earlier (after he'd ignored me all day).
Life is way more exhausting when you’re the scapegoat and everyone seems to not understand you and you ask yourself if you’re the narcissist. They’ve tried to draw me back in, ask me what they’ve done to me when they clearly know they’ve always treated me like a doormat, but now they’re dead to me, I accepted they would never change after years of abandoning myself to understand them. I now feel safe and I’m not confused as I used to be. I don’t even want them to be nice to me because it gets me confused again, like I’m overacting.
Good for you! They will be nice for a little while, and then the abuse will start all over again. It's a never-ending cycle of abuse. No contact was my only option.
My family’s love bombing and niceties have always felt threatening to me. As a case in point, I went to their house to solve a plumbing problem that they were having, and they could see that it was putting me in a rather miserable mood. So they decided to hatch a plan to cheer me up while I was at the hardware store getting parts, and when I walked in the door they all began firing nerf balls at me from every corner of the house. I’ve never been into toy guns (or real ones for that matter) so it really shook me up.
@@scott3357 That is shocking. How is that supposed to cheer anyone up. If those were your parents or other family members they seem to be all adults if you were the son repairing the plumbing. Utterly juvenile of them. Narcissists are emotional toddlers anyway but this is such selfish behaviour. So sorry.
They are so demanding and they don't care that you are spending lots of time and resources solely on them. They feel as if they are deserving of it. They are so selfish and can't see past themselves enough to realize that everything and everyone else around them is uncomfortable and/or suffering.
Right! I used to tell my ex narc how expensive he was. Not just my time but financially, he seemed to destroy everything he touched! Clothing drying rack, dishes, leaving pans on heat destroying them.... All the small things adds up in the end and of course he kept saying, no big deal I will replace it but of course in the end I had to buy the replacement.
Narc “pitched a fit” EVERY Holiday, my BDays, my promotion….. 🙄 It’s taken me SO long to realize his s**t is HIS s***t! There’s not enough love in the world for this person to fill his black hole. Every one deserves love NO one deserves to be another person’s punching bag!!! Thank you SO VERY Dr. Ramani!!! Please take as much care of yourself as you do all others! Sincerely, “NOT the coffee maker!!!”
When i do self care, like eating healthy, excercise, going to sleep early, my mother say to me "it won't last long, don't worry". She sabotaged and mocked all my efforts. I hate her so much. She did that since my childhood.
Best meltdown, storming out of 3rd marriage counseling session after being caught lying by the therapist, shouting she would never stand for being "disrespected" by the therapist ever again. That was also the moment of validation for me and the final realization of exactly what I was dealing with. The writing was on the wall.
They also throw temper tantrums and scream to silence someone who has figured them out and also to intimidate after their mask comes off. That’s called narcissistic injury and for that they will make you pay in the worst and most painful way.
Good for you! My oldest friend is a grandiose narcissist, and now it's far easier to spot his tricks and manipulation attempts, especially his classic 'flip' tactic for deflecting accountability by trying to flip the focus back on me with some random and irrelevant comment about me that would have conveniently rerouted the argument and he could avoid having to answer for himself. He was relentless and would try to bat the ball back a hundred times, but recently he's started to reach the limit and knowing he cannot the technique anymore he now explodes and plays the victim calling me disrespectful. It's a very different tactic after which he leaves the conversation. I can handle the frustration at my argument being shut down because it's vindicating for me, plus I see through his song and dance act and absorb nothing now.
Thank you for covering this. Yes, extreme exhaustion. I have fight or flight issues, panic attacks etc.. My Ex Narc would wake me up at 2am to fight. It hit me when one day when someone mentioned they use sleep deprivation during Wars as a means of torture to extract info.. Scary.
Wow the wake up calls are pretty messed up, but I totally see how the narcs are trying to take advantage on you by taking you by surprise. The narcs in my family have a knack of overreacting in a way that induces panic and anxiety in me. They get loud and talk at speed. One of them opens the dialogue with an insult wrapped up in bad language, the other tries to create fear by predicting worst case scenarios and creating a sense of doom and urgency. My oldest friend (grandiose narc) has a knack of making a baseless assessment about me that is too absurd for me to allow to go uncorrected or resolved, but not absurd enough for me to instinctively laugh in response. It's baiting, but the perpetrator uses the element of surprise because they know that it gives them an advantage. The only way to fix it is to get them out of your life and muted.
OMG this has made me cry. I can't get the out of bed anymore because of depression because of a narcissist in my life. My energy has been drained completely and I can't seem to recharge.😢
Truly. No one can understand unless they have lived it. The severe panic attacks because you’re trying to moment by moment diffuse a perpetual bomb. You’re never going to diffuse, you can never settle, rest or be at peace.
It's the endless demanding of disproportionate amounts of attention / bandwidth - in any which way they can get it. This seems to take precedence over all other duties, systems or activities. Dealing with my ex was like managing a 56 yr old toddler.
So many years of abuse and stalking. I was made to feel guilty for needing food. I barely had clothes. Was always made to feel guilty. Always the guilt and shame
This bandwidth thing is definitely real. Been in therapy for a while now and I notice I simply don't have the energy and time even to focus on what I need because of this person.
It makes me so sad that a person can destroy another person, to the point where they don't take care of themselves anymore or even think that they deserve self care. And I really understand how hard it is to engage in self care while in a narcissistic relationship. When I was 15 one of my parents passed away. I told my other (narcissistic) parent that I really needed someone to talk to about this. My parent then said “Everything is about you, isn’t it?”, and stormed out of the room. I took care of it myself and found someone to talk to, but my parent found a way to sabotage that as well.
Middle of the night torment is the worst and starting to cause other issues .....stomach pain and needing bathroom I didn't think someone could become so exhausted
The only way to take control from a narcissist is to get yourself from their domain first. You wont be able to figure out anything until and unless you are out of the hellish world. I will tell you one of my favourite stories. Once a King was too disturbed by everything that was happening around him. He felt as if no one was loyal to him and he was always afraid of his kingdom being attacked by perpetrators. He lost his sleep and his life had become hell. So he thought of taking a brief sojourn in the countryside. He passed through lush green fields and picturesque landscapes. The silent breeze that brushed through his hair filled his heart with joy. That is when he saw a farmer who was putting fence around his farmland. But his farmland had weeds all over and they hardly had any crops. This intrigued the King. He asked the farmer as to why was he putting a fence around the farm when the farm itself was covered with weeds. To this the farmer said that the farm was his own so he could get rid of the weeds whenever he liked. But he cant stop the stray dogs from running over his fields and destroying them. That is why he was putting the fence. To stop the stray dogs from venturing into the field. Once he was very assured about the security of his fields he can work on clearing the weeds and planting crops. On hearing this the King somewhat got the answer which he had been searching for. The human mind is also like the field. You cant control assholes from fiddling with your mind or saying bullshit. But you can definitely put a fence ( figuratively) so that these assholes cant influence you. And until and unless you dont put a fence you can never work on yourself. Once you have distanced yourself from toxic people then you can work on the healing process. Same is the case with narcs. Narcs are these stray dogs who suck your energy emotionally. They play mind games for fun because their mind wants melodrama. They hurt the very people who love them. So total isolation from these narcs is absolutely essential for the well being of your Mind. Once you are out of their mind games you can take decisions rationally. Narcs try to drain you emotionally. So everytime you respond to their low vibrations you tend to come to their level. But when you react confidently without panicking and without responding to their negative vibrations that is when you Win. When someone realises that you arent being influenced or being manipulated by their actions they will get tired of it. And after cutting them off completely from your lives you should work on your healing process. Work on clearing your mental clutter and keep yourself preoccupied. Read books and most importantly try to find your Purpose in life. When you find your Purpose you will be able to bear any pain in this World. Most importantly help others in need. When you find someone else who is stuck with a narc help them to get out of that. I feel this is the way to take control from a narcissist. P.S: I hardly find people around me who know about emotional abuse. But I think everyone should read and know about it. In today’s mean world you will find a lot of people who try to influence you or demoralise you using the sweetest of words. Its about identifying these covert manipulators and distancing yourself from them. I have immense respect for people who have survived narcissistic partners. They happen to be the most strongheaded and emotionally stable people you can come across. I learn a lot of things from them. Truly the broken will always be the most beautiful. What ever you do, don’t attempt to tail your spouse in the hopes of catching him or her cheating. Get a professional to do it for you Metaspyhub@gmail. com Ethical remote App - particularly if you need this evidence to file for divorce and damages.
I loved every word in this comment. My narc double lifed me with another family and had a girl at work. I gave so much love to this man and lifted him up like a king. He shattered me. He broke me like I have never been broken before 💔 I am currently traveling the world, healing, choosing me, following my heart, reading, taking classes, going on adventures, meeting new people and ultimately loving myself. I am less than 2 months out of the fake life that never was real. It was all a sick game that he woke up every day and made a choice to play. Every word in your comment touched on a feeling inside me. Thank you ❤ Live your best life
I’m also exhausted by questioning myself about the toxic persons in my life. I’m having a hard time believing these people are that evil! My brain can’t wrap around the manipulations. The moments that I see through the fog…I actually get sick to my stomach.
My sister who used to be my roommate had night terrors all throughout the night. Screaming bloody murder sometimes in her sleep at our mom or dad. She would never remember when she’d wake
Mine waited until my head was on the pillow and I had turned out the light... suddenly, out of the darkness on his side of the bed... "remember that time you..." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 😫
@elizabethsetlow862 Same!!! I had one that would wake me up at the wee hours to start shit!!! I was sleep talking and he woke me up yelling and trying to pull my nose ring out. Over me laughing in my sleep! He's dead now. I was relieved when I heard the news!
Self-care that is neither selfish nor luxurious: treat other people with kindness, and treat yourself accordingly. Realize you need some kindness, the same as other people need it.
That narcissistic person is a toddler in an adult's body. The damage he/she can do, and the necessary cleanup, never ends.... Each time I left my ex to himself, even for a few hours, I had to undo what he'd done. Exhausting! Not a moments peace.
I have lost my job after I ended up having 2 breakdowns and he started in again and ended up losing my career because he wrecked my brain and abilities to do anything else in my life.
I work with an abusive narcissist. They actually brag about how many times they’ve been reported to HR (18+ times!) and laugh that they are still with the company while those who suffered from their abuse are gone. I’m exhausted and just put in my notice. Makes me sad because I really liked the company I work for.
Does your current company HR or management conduct exit interviews with departing staff? They should if they are genuinely interested in industry best practice and practice improvement. If so, you could state why you are leaving despite liking the firm and suggest they look at the common denominator in other departures over the recent past. If they don't, you could request a final meeting with the highest level manager you can to provide your feedback. The only possible downsides might be your observations being ignored or discounted and your being dismissed as a troublemaker or 'the problem' and so decreasing your chance of being re-employed there.
I walked on egg shells so much I developed chronic tonic clonic seizures. I don't have any desire for self care. Rarely shower. Barely eat. I know I'll rise from this.... but seriously wtf... how do people do this to people. Then he had the nerve to call ME a narcissist..... no. Not anymore. No one will ever do this to me again. I will rise. Be the phoenix I was born to be. But why do we have to burn first? WTF all I want to do is help others heal...... and right now I can't even do that for me.
I know how you feel, my ex stressed me out so much it exacerbated my arthritis. And she didn't even care. Everything you have said, I feel the same way.
Look up ARCS it helps people with these sort of issues. You can even speak in a group online about your trauma without disclosing your real name or showing your face and get knowledge from the counselor running the group session.
You are not alone. My hair is falling out at a rapid rate, my skin is covered in rashes, my face is broken out in acne, my joints are sore, asthma has been getting worse, and constant pounding headaches... I constantly question myself in any social situation and never feel I can trust others that I meet to not manipulate or take his side. The nars do it to not feel alone in their self made misery… because if they were honest with themselves and others, they would have no one. it’s quite sad the source of trauma but it’s still not an excuse to torture someone. There is no correct way to navigate their behavior because they will quickly find a way to criticize and bait and gaslight you into somehow being irrationally and illogically wrong. The cruelty in their words strike blows that id honestly prefer at this point to be physical. It is idiotic how they expect others to accommodate and adapt to their nonsensical demands.
My family life has become exhausting because of the narcissists. Super disheartening. Learning to take care of myself with boundaries and disengagement to protect my health. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Oh yes, definitely applies to me. I dread weekends when my husband is home because he is so easily triggered to rage at me. It's not an "if" he's going to cuss at me for something, but "when." I am mentally exhausted from the required juggling to keep him pacified. And I get sick a lot, and have fibromyalgia diagnosed at 9 years into the marriage.
Simple, get a divorce, get away from that man. You shouldn’t stay with someone who constantly kills you everyday. This affects you mentally & physically. Live a better life without this man.
Exhaustion and rumination are totally real after a relationship with a narcissist, when the hyper vigilance and cortisol driven lifestyle is no longer needed. Then is when you’d like to lie down in a warm dark place and sleep for about 100 years. Since coming out of my last (and final) relationship like that I’ve found the best thing for me is total no contact. That person has moved to a new source of supply and once in a while we text, but that tends to open old still healing wounds. I count all the blessings I have now, the peace, the enjoyment of walking into my kitchen knowing no one else is there, it’s only my food in the fridge; just little things that add up to a contented life without constant criticism or having to put up with a person who goes from poor me to it’s all your fault rage in nanoseconds. And of course I’ve grown in so many valuable ways. Took me years to get here - okay by me if it takes a few more to get back up to speed. At least I will spend a portion of my life saying life is good. When I describe this person to anyone else I generally mention they are a person I will be very happy never to see again in this lifetime lol.
My mother told me (30+ years ago now)"I wish I'd had time to be depressed", while I was suffering from postnatal depression after the birth of my 1st child, with my abusive and controlling ex husband 🙄 Never told her about my feelings ever again. Not pnd after 2nd child, not my previous or subsequent bouts of depression. I was definitely scapegoat child to her. I cut her off totally eventually. Such a weight off my shoulders once I did that, it's a shame I waited so long, but I'm not blaming myself for that anymore
You are so right! I'm in constant need of protecting myself and my work from the abuse and thefts of somehow entitled and difficult people. If that wasn't the case I would be doing so much more. I'm also in constant need to recover which also tends to be difficult because of these kinds of people
My wife will remember every little thing I've ever said or done but has selective memory when it comes to the most hateful and vindictive things she has done to me. She always twists my words and acuses me of thoughts I never have. My life has been hell with her and she knows I would never leave because I don't want to hurt our children . She has destroyed my self confidence with her constant criticism of everything I do.
You hurt your kids anyway. The see everything. Unfortunatly this is not right - stay there for your kids. It doesn't work. And the worst thing: your kids could learn this pattern of behavior.
Thank you for all of these videos. I now understand (remember) why I feel so absolutely drained and tired all the time. My ex-husband and his mother are the constant victims (vulnerable Narcissists). I spent 3 days with them over the Xmas period for the sake of our children. The drama, chaos and crises just never ends. Come today I finally had to speak my mind about how I just desperately wish they could get their sh1t together because my children and I are suffering because they cannot handle their business properly. And I have to hear about non-paying tenants and non-stop stupid stuff. I am so exhausted from just trying not to lash out at them. Sadly, today I sent a very nasty message that I am certainly not proud of but I felt driven to the edge and I broke. Of course now (again) I am the unhinged one. And frankly, then so be it. Even though I know I am the healthy and responsible parent in this scenario. I hope I sleep better tonight. The self-protecting dragon in me just had enough and breathed fire onto these 2 individuals. God help me.
Yup my family must think I am the narcissist because I was fighting for my life after he left and they didn’t get it. They literally told a bed ridden person to get out of bed and learn how to clean. My aunt showed up and didn’t virtually nothing and then attempted to victim blame me saying if I was acting this certain way… like insinuating that he left because of it. I have no idea what he said to them but they treat me so horrible like it’s not an emergency and when I try to talk about it, they don’t want to hear shit. “If you need to talk….” Yet they don’t care or listen… I’m mourning the family I thought I had. If this was anyone else in the family they would be rallying for them.
And my family would ask why I couldn’t sleep with basic skills and would send me all kinds of BS to try, I was so angry at them. They had no idea. Yeah they kept me on sleep medication on my life. I am heavily reliant on drugs every night to sleep still.
I'm still amazed at the amount of time that a narcissist will spend writing very long texts, emails and even letters, had a good few of those over the years. It got to the stage where I didn't even bother to read them. Not least as they are mostly fabricated rubbish.
You’re so right! My ex would lie about everything when we were together. He spent no time with me besides being around to argue and hit me until I was disabled. Then he’d hang with all of his women and friends that he had for a price. Once broken up he had all this time for me to stalk for hours a day and letters, texts etc of finally telling the truth. I paid him no mind. He’s finally out of my life a few moves later,
My ex was always wordy, but outdid himself with a seriously long document after we divorced. I jokingly called it The Manifesto, after the Unabomber's epic tome.
This eggshell walking is a type of hell. And what is worse, the narc knows very well what they are doing and just watch you with an evil smirk while you trip all over yourself (I'm thinking about a relative who I can't quite avoid just yet). It is sickening. But I'm done. DONE.
Amen!!! I think the only problem in the world is the "toxic people"..... even diseases and other tragedies would be fine, even tolerable,, we would enjoy support, community, and joy, and we wouldn't worry about nuclear war, crime, injustice, basically everything that sucks in the world.... I'm sure there is an evolutionary need for "cluster B", but are we evolving away from that?... Thank you Thank you!!!👍❤❤❤
Thank you, but isn't that a gaslight? I'm sure you meant well but I have thought a lot about that phase, my ex-narc would always say that to me, like maybe a future fake?, then keep abusing me... , but thank you, I'm sure you meant it well!!! 👍@@scott3357
If I had a dollar for every hour of sleep I've lost because I woke up and thought of her gaslighting, ranting, lies, etc, I'd buy myself another Harley!
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it
there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.
I’ve been physically away from him now for 5 months. There’s still texting ( a slight bit). Otherwise no contact. I still have severe anxiety and exhaustion. My bandwidth feels like it’s non existent. These videos have given me a great understanding & helped me to think that I can get through this. Thank you Doc ❤
Golly I have the perfect example! One night just before 10pm and getting ready for bed, hubs, and I are down in the kitchen. He opens the refrigerator door and eats my full pound of smoked turkey that was to be my sandwiches for the next week. I work from home so I lunch from home. He hates smoked turkey, but ate it ALL anyway in maybe 3 mins, with his gut hanging over his boxers, and nothing else on standing in front of the fridge. He had an awful smirk on his face. I was aghast and just couldn’t understand why he would do such a thing- literally gluttonize my week’s lunches and then go to bed. Gets worse. Next morning he takes his pound of unsmoked turkey meat to the office and “accidentally” takes my whole set of keys including car keys (and a massive girly tassel!!!) to the office so I can’t run to the store and get my lunch stuff! I wasted hours, weeks, months of time spinning wheels and redundant grocery trips etc. I ate a lot of crappy lunches. The POS mind that thinks up these things to waste your life! No contact 2yrs now.
They do take sick pleasure in ruining or destroying the small, big or even simple things that bring you joy and happiness. They are thieves. Their devilish smirk while doing so tells you everything you need to know about these monsters.
You are no contact but does this mean you are divorced? Also, before you were married, did your ex hubbs display this kinda behavior before, you know taking your things without asking?
@@LifebyK88 - in the long and awful process of divorce, and no, he held things up quite nicely for about two years or so… Then the mask started falling off, and his true ugly self came blazing through the worst experience of my life!
Almost every single event was a tantrum , a trip away, a birthday not his , any time I wanted to spend time with my adult children for a holiday. It seemed to ramp up as time went on. It became /so predictable , anxiety provoking . An eggshell life to a great degree..
I had a narcissist boss. I ended up getting an attorney. He said “unfortunately, there’s no laws against being an asshole.” Hostile work environment is often hard to prove. I recommend you to document everything! Try to have text messages and emails vs phone conversations.
I never married made a career or had children. I was surrounded by narcissists. Parents, sister (!) almost all of my friends… crazimaking, blaming, eggshells walking, constantly crises in their life… gaslighting…. After going to therapy -(I became depressed, had no energy anymore… ) I cut them all out..(except ageing parents) I had no words for what was happening to me. I tried to help, make sense…. Thank you. You save lives ❤
You learn to force the sleep. The family I live with are highly narcissistic and abusive. They tell me that I am useless, that my degree is useless that my resume prevents my career and job. Those people are liars and I tell myself that every day. The family's behavior has to be seen to be believed.
Yes. Big days are ALWAYS ruined by him, because he always finds a way to be angry about something. Fun vacations are ruined due to his nasty attitude, and anything NOT having to do with him means nothing to him. It’s crazy! I made Christmas happen for my daughter, from the decorations to every single gift to wrapping the gifts and hiding Santa presents. He tried to ruin that, and Christmas Day is my daughters birthday. I move to my own place this September, divorce within the year. We been separated but living together for 3 1/2 years now.
Forgot to mention, I also baked and decorated her cake, and got her birthday presents wrapped as well. My ex narc (her father whom I live with) literally could not care less about contributing.
You should relinquish care to registered nurses, rather than blame the symptoms of dementia and the brain dying as some form of narcissism. Your husband as you knew him no longer exists. Sorry but damn, dementia patients aren’t part of this subject. Refer yourself to registered nurses before you do something stupid
This happened to before a job interview, I didn't understand what was wrong. Now I get the last piece of the puzzle. Thank you very much Dr Ramani ! 🙏🙏🙏
Oh oh oh I wasted soooo much time .... my mother. The ex husband. The ex romance 2018. Five former friends. No contact with them all. I run my own business as a group fitness dance instructor. Some members are just straight from hell. I'm learning to recognize them and not waste time on them. Especially in my head. Thanks to you Dr Ramani
No joke, in CA the labor laws protect toxic people in the work place. I have witnessed companies suffer from this, such as paying the ultimate price of losing valuable employees, or even closing its door. The good news is that these valuable employees find jobs elsewhere rather quickly.
I work in white collar banking business, and worked with several extremely toxic people...HR lives in fear, as everyone else around them. The look on a very ones face when the person's name comes up is...OMG! That crazy POS.
yes 23 years I ended up disabled and with fibromyalgia!! I believe it was the abuse mentally I received especially during 10 surgery recoveries I went through....6 years free and still exhausted
I wish I knew what I was dealing with when I first signed up to become a teacher. My mentor was extremely difficult to work with. She was nice in public, but she never batted an eye at me nor spoke to me when we were alone in her classroom. I was expected to read her mind and know what was happening in the school even though I was practically a volunteer. I begged my university program to let me switch schools, but I was stuck with her. I had to learn to work around her cold shoulders, double standards, fake niceness, you name it. Once she got what she wanted out of me, which was tenure from the school--because she was a "mentor"--she kicked me out. I was not welcomed to her students' graduation, which was fine with me. I ran and never looked back.... And I learned NEVER to teach like her (She was lazy, cruel, and had favorites and scapegoats.)
Omg, the "Airing of the Grievences." I had never heard of this phrase before, but I have been working in a job with a narcassist boss for a little over a month and this is exactly what they do. Then you are worn down into a little nub of a person. It's so exhausting.
One ex insisted on having elective surgery two weeks before our baby was due. Another tried to start a fight while we sat in our seats awaiting the plane’s departure. I told him I was going to get off if he didn’t stop.
This showed up again today for I'm sure a good reason. I recently had a horrible experience with a tenant that tested me and showed me my real views about issues. This person needed to have all the attention all the time. This didn't bode well in a landlord tenant situation. I consciously now tell myself that he doeson't get any more time. Having lost sleep in the last 2 weeks, I can say that sleep disruption make things difficult. This is a priceless video. Thanks
I would like to thank You Dr. Ramani for putting a name to what I have endured for so long, now I know. Everything you have said is so very true about narcissists, I made it through alive even though I didn't think that I would. I'm an empath so you can imagine what it did to me being with a narcissist. So again thank you for your help, I am so grateful for your help now I understand.
This is so true. Toxic people and toxic ways steal your time! For example, my mom is sure that i am unable to pack my own luggage, so she lectures me and comments on my every move if i have the unluck to have to pack with her in the room. It is draining. And than she usually insist on taking everything apart to repacking it herself. Which means later i have to redo it yet again, because i am actually much better at packing since i move around a lot. Last few times it was even funny to see mom tell me how bad i am, attempt to repack my luggage and find herself unable to fit back half the stuff. She gets very angry, but can never act on it, because it would mean admitting she was wrong and that is something she can not do. However, it still means that i have to spend 3x time on packing. I avoid packing if she is in the room.
We shouldn't blame ourselves for believing in them. Only after experiencing the pain many times they inflict we will know that people like this existed.
Yes he always try to ruin things. Specially when I am happy but now that I know, I just laugh and tell him is not going to work. Yes he makes lots os tantrums
I've learned my best healing for dealing with being a scapegoat that when I tend to want say a whole bunch of what is true I do that but instead of sending it to who I started the urge to speak about all this hell. . . I downloaded a great little journal app so will just copy the long story then I copy it and paste it in my journal and make sure it's all gone where I started it and safely put into my person volt so that I can review and edit it all. That way I can continue my plans to publish some books of the truth as I fight my way through this very lonely and dangerous no contact journey. I have to stay safe and that is easier said than done. Wish me luck, thanks again for the videos. You've taught me so much I can't express my gratitude. Love you
I had a colleague/friend whose partner was a narcissist and routinely, predictably, when this colleague and I would schedule a lunch to catch up, the narcissist would have some sort of emergency that would require us to postpone/reschedule. The last emergency involved a trip to the ER because the narcissist had had an accident breaking open a coconut. We were in a very rural state and they lived way out in the country. You really have to work to have an accident with a coconut. It’s doable. But it takes some real effort. At that point, I didn’t even try to reschedule….even at one remove, it was just too much drama.
It is self-preservation. I focus on sleep.. I put my phone in the drawer.They are close, but they know it's goodnight.If I need them ,they are close by.Focus on yourself 😊
Yes! Narcissistic parent then narcissistic Mil. A bout of flu that I couldn't shake, left me with Rheumatoid arthritis (auto immune disease) The body keeps score. I keep away or grey rock from toxic new people in my life. My body literally feels it! Much love to you all. 🇬🇧❤️
It’s all about them and their needs. No reciprocation, no understanding. You’re just giving all of your energy to a void and nothing ever comes back to you. It’s extremely draining.
True
I found papers after I had him arrested, he was diagnosed (Mt Sinai) Covert, Malignant Narcissist with sociopath behaviors…
That explains him breaking my shoulder, putting my head through the wall, and he popped my right eardrum…
Totally agree!!! It involves a family member, who is demanding & doesn’t see how she is so rude to others. So we try to avoid her as much as possible, but we cannot totally ignore her. Unfortunately! It is so frustrating!!! 🤨🤐😟
Thank you 😊, Doctor Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D.: again: thank you ☺️
So true!!!
Living with a narcissist means chronic exhaustion. Your energy, joy of life and hopes fade and disappear over time. Thanks Dr. Ramani ❤
Absolutely agree they are exhausting and everyone that has been through it knows that or will over time.
True
Not to mention I can't have any friends, company, church or social circles. It's lonely in here. Thank God for work, where I have the occasional conversatioms!
@@garychandler4296so true! Same for me.
Not to mention constant anxiety 😟
I call them emotional vampires. They suck all your energy and take everything you have if you let them. EVERYTHING.
"Toxic people waste time"... I will take this with me for life.
Me too. 🤍
4 personality traits that make the narcissist exhausting: 1)Extreme envy of everything positive in your life, 2)Non-stop passive aggressive attacks, 3)Disagreeing with anything and everything you say, 4)Competing with you down to the smallest things in life.
They are full of negativity. Just vile and sadistic.
I had one like this and one friend just got away from their nightmare of three years and I’m witnessing two who seem unaware or just eating it that they are stuck with their narcs and me and my just released friend got to pretend we are not the kid who can tell the emperor’s clothing isn’t real and see the truth beyond skin deep/surface level and keep our lips zipped infinitely until they find out or see for themselves.
This. The mental gymnastics you have to deal with to keep the peace makes it hard for other people to know what you’re going through because it’s not a physical kind of abuse that they can see firsthand. Some people will think you’re too sensitive even because it’s not like this person is bad continuously, some times it will be good but other times will be bad but to other people it will appear that this person is most charming and helpful. But this list. I felt this and knew instinctively that this person had no good intentions towards me.
@@rhanna12 People who aren't concerned enough to learn about narcissism to understand what you're going through aren't worth your time. They're either flying monkeys for narcissist or narcissist themselves.
He's told me I'm competing with him. I have no idea what he's talking about. Maybe he's the one who is competing with me???
Once I got my ex narc out of my house. I locked all the doors. Moved furniture in front of the doors and slept for 3 days.
same
Narcissists and 3-year-olds have a lot in common!
That's hugely offensive to 3 year olds🤣🤣🤣
I saw a thing on FB
"What is the thing that annoys you the most as you get older?"
My immediate thought was, People
Humans..you can't live with them, you can't live without them.
Always the sabotage. It was like being kept as a slave at the end.
When I finally left my narcissist after 20+ years, he started sending me cassette tapes with him talking, trying to win me back. I have no idea what he said.I dropped every single one in the trash without listening. I eventually left the state and eventually married the most wonderful, funny and loving man five years later. It wasn’t easy, but even my children supports my decision even though he made life difficult for them. You can do it!
I totally agree with you 😢
They waste your life and steal your dreams
And that's if you're lucky enough to have any bandwidth to even think of a dream!
I had to drop out of university twice. The first time, because of my narc mother. The second time, because of narc colleagues (managers and team leaders, mostly), landlords/landladies, letting agents, and housemates. They just cannot stand to see you read a book or study a textbook or use a laptop (spreadsheets, maths or chemistry software, writing code...). They want your attention.
The narc I was with was a " dream snatcher"
Dr ramani ,thank you for clarifying " toxic people" its so much more serious than I realized
I call narcs," dream snatchers"!
We shouldn't blame ourselves for believing in them. Only after experiencing the pain many times they inflict we will know that people like this existed.
I know about this at the age of 41.2 time in mental hospital and the doc there say im ok.so?Hope and pray to all to recover from this bad and learn how to overcome our problem.
this docitor is a proven covert narccist why are you listeing to her?
@@timothymohammedholland7197 Yes, unfortunately most working in the "mental health" field don't know about or understand narcissistic abuse. They don't understand what it does to the person being abused, and they would rather believe that WE are mentally ill. All they can do is pump us full of pharmaceutial drugs, but this doesn't solve the problem at all! The only solution is to leave that abusive relationship, and don't look back. And then, work on healing the damage to yourself that was done by the narcissist. And be alert in the future for those red flags, so as not to get involved with another narc!
I wish you good health and peace moving forward.
46:51 they are happy when youre down ( so they'll be sympathetic ) ..But when youre up , they try and sabatoge. Its a one way exchange.
💯
“They are SO committed to their version of reality…”
So much wasted time and energy, as you cannot have a reasonable conversation based in actual reality.
A therapist once said this to me regarding my narcissist ex-husband:
“‘Crazy’ defines the conversation.”
That’s it. A waste of time and energy.
450 views in the first 12mins ..this tells us how many people are looking forward to Dr. Ramani's insights in the morning😊 Just like me. This is like early morning therapy for me.
you got it!!!!!!
Having access to an expert for free is Utube at it's best. Thanks, Doc!
I love Dr. Ramani. Having worked around Psych Docs and SWers in many places, she is hands down absolutely the best. So grateful for her wisdom and service to this Nation.
@@Strengtheningselffirst2 Yes, unfortunately most in the mental health field don't understand narcissistic abuse! They would rather say WE are mentally ill, WE are depressed, WE are anxious. But without addressing the real source of the problem, it becomes an unending cycle, once you get caught up on the mental health hampster wheel. Now that we know the truth, we are better equipped to take care of ourselves. To heal from those past narc relationships, and see to it we don't become involved with another one!
I’m always tuned in when I get a notification.
As for self care, who got the "Who you dressing up for huh??? Who you gonna go F#$% AROUND WITH???" After like, combing your hair, changing your clothes, etc. 😅 I can't believe how much I put up with omg
Even if I just had a shower and cleaned my teeth before work 🙈
yep.
Yup. Even using my hairdryer instead of just leaving it to dry on it's own.
Even using a hairdryer, or painting my nails before doing a craft video.
OMG! yes. Mine used to complain how long it took for me to dry my hair which was long because that is what he liked and kept nagging for me to grow my hair. He used to tell me, I had other GF's before and none took so long to groom. He used to comment on why I would groom before going to the gym with him. He used to watch every single guy in the guy telling me I was doing it for them. NO, I just can't go to the gym with 2 feet of wet hair!!!!!
Do NOT get married to someone who “NEEDS” you.
Well said.
Too late!
To late but well noted never again
Never ever ever again!
The removal of constant eggshells was the greatest relief and gave me the bandwith to care for my then toddler son and infant daughter despite the family courts' prejudices versus men. I have true joint custody of two well-adjusted teenagers now, btw.
Its a very freeing feeling
Ah man i"m in the beginning stages of that situation - i could use your advice.
Get away @@Chief_Chill
@Chief_Chill I'd recommend channels like this, and the books "In Sheep’s Clothing" (clinical analysis) psychopathfree (visceral analysis) and Byron Katie's "I Need Your Love, Is That True?"(challenging your own choices, but be wary, Katie's work can be taken too far imo)
Best of luck!
My mother was coming over to my house every day, 7 days a week, so that we could sit at my table, drink, and talk. Well, she would talk. And talk. And talk. And talk. And complain. And reminisce. And laugh. And cry. And rage. And brag. And drink. And drink. And drink. And talk. And interrupt. And talk.
She'd leave, and I'd collapse on my couch, utterly drained. Finally, after three years, I exploded, and screamed at her till she left. Now she tells everyone she has no daughters, and no one loves her. I swear to God, she did it on purpose. She pushed me till I snapped.
I'm sorry you had to endure all of that to then be labeled as the problem when you finally had enough. They're never there for you if you need a listening ear, but they sure do love to constantly talk about what THEY want to talk about...mostly THEMSELVES!
My mother was like this, and I had landladies and letting agents who were like this. Even if they didn't live in the flat, they would 'drop in' to see how I was, as well as leave me voicemails, text messages... I just couldn't rest after work... and I really needed to switch off as I was working for narcissist bosses/managers.
I live in England and people are really nosy. It's actually easier to 'hide' in a big town (where you can find libraries and coffee shops, or, worst case scenario, gyms open 24/7). In more rural areas people will drop in all the time, using as a pretext the fact that you are single, and they are 'worried' that you must be lonely...
I'd love to live in England. If I must have my ears talked off, let it be with that accent. LOL! But no, in reality, it's just no fun. I wouldn't enjoy it for long.@@yehmen29
@@yehmen29 You need to get a big dog that doesn't like people stopping by. I lived in England too but I'm in Canada, small towns are all the same. I had everyone from my hairdresser to plumber stopping by at one point but I ended up keeping my blinds open and used large headphones so they would see I can't hear anyone ringing me or door knocking. Even my dogs barking was a no go to the door, lol. It worked! They stopped bothering me :)) Maybe it will work for you too, just a thought.
Now I understand why I find it so difficult to sleep, yet wonder how my partner manages to start snoring the moment he hits the bed no matter the confrontation before bedtime.
Dr Ramani, you’re spot-on about the sleep issues and narcissistic abuse. I didn’t realize how tired I was until I got away from that relationship and actually slept through the night uninterrupted for the first time.
So true. Waking up in the middle of the night, ruminating about the past day and dreading the day to come...
He would interrupt my sleep on purpose. Woke me up at 2/3 am almost every night wanting sex despite me asking him not to repeatedly. He would then sulk when he didn't get what he wanted and blame me for his behaviour. It was apparently my fault because I wasn't in the mood earlier (after he'd ignored me all day).
Life is way more exhausting when you’re the scapegoat and everyone seems to not understand you and you ask yourself if you’re the narcissist. They’ve tried to draw me back in, ask me what they’ve done to me when they clearly know they’ve always treated me like a doormat, but now they’re dead to me, I accepted they would never change after years of abandoning myself to understand them. I now feel safe and I’m not confused as I used to be. I don’t even want them to be nice to me because it gets me confused again, like I’m overacting.
❤
Good for you! They will be nice for a little while, and then the abuse will start all over again. It's a never-ending cycle of abuse. No contact was my only option.
My family’s love bombing and niceties have always felt threatening to me. As a case in point, I went to their house to solve a plumbing problem that they were having, and they could see that it was putting me in a rather miserable mood. So they decided to hatch a plan to cheer me up while I was at the hardware store getting parts, and when I walked in the door they all began firing nerf balls at me from every corner of the house. I’ve never been into toy guns (or real ones for that matter) so it really shook me up.
@@scott3357 That is shocking. How is that supposed to cheer anyone up. If those were your parents or other family members they seem to be all adults if you were the son repairing the plumbing. Utterly juvenile of them. Narcissists are emotional toddlers anyway but this is such selfish behaviour. So sorry.
Congrats~ I'm so glad you feel safe, and I hope to get there too someday soon TvT
They are so demanding and they don't care that you are spending lots of time and resources solely on them. They feel as if they are deserving of it. They are so selfish and can't see past themselves enough to realize that everything and everyone else around them is uncomfortable and/or suffering.
Right! I used to tell my ex narc how expensive he was. Not just my time but financially, he seemed to destroy everything he touched! Clothing drying rack, dishes, leaving pans on heat destroying them.... All the small things adds up in the end and of course he kept saying, no big deal I will replace it but of course in the end I had to buy the replacement.
These people can also stress you into nightmares when you do finally get sleep
Narc “pitched a fit” EVERY Holiday, my BDays, my promotion….. 🙄
It’s taken me SO long to realize his s**t is HIS s***t!
There’s not enough love in the world for this person to fill his black hole.
Every one deserves love NO one deserves to be another person’s punching bag!!!
Thank you SO VERY Dr. Ramani!!!
Please take as much care of yourself as you do all others!
Sincerely,
“NOT the coffee maker!!!”
Yes! Toxic people ARE the biggest stress producers !!
They will shame your self care and sabatage your sleep
Like a cult, keeping you sleep deprived and overworked
Always
@@Heidi_137 you bet!
When i do self care, like eating healthy, excercise, going to sleep early, my mother say to me "it won't last long, don't worry". She sabotaged and mocked all my efforts.
I hate her so much.
She did that since my childhood.
Best meltdown, storming out of 3rd marriage counseling session after being caught lying by the therapist, shouting she would never stand for being "disrespected" by the therapist ever again. That was also the moment of validation for me and the final realization of exactly what I was dealing with. The writing was on the wall.
And the thing is no one is disrespecting them. They just want to do what they want to do.
They also throw temper tantrums and scream to silence someone who has figured them out and also to intimidate after their mask comes off. That’s called narcissistic injury and for that they will make you pay in the worst and most painful way.
I had the same experience. 😟
Good for you! My oldest friend is a grandiose narcissist, and now it's far easier to spot his tricks and manipulation attempts, especially his classic 'flip' tactic for deflecting accountability by trying to flip the focus back on me with some random and irrelevant comment about me that would have conveniently rerouted the argument and he could avoid having to answer for himself. He was relentless and would try to bat the ball back a hundred times, but recently he's started to reach the limit and knowing he cannot the technique anymore he now explodes and plays the victim calling me disrespectful. It's a very different tactic after which he leaves the conversation. I can handle the frustration at my argument being shut down because it's vindicating for me, plus I see through his song and dance act and absorb nothing now.
Thank you for covering this. Yes, extreme exhaustion. I have fight or flight issues, panic attacks etc.. My Ex Narc would wake me up at 2am to fight. It hit me when one day when someone mentioned they use sleep deprivation during Wars as a means of torture to extract info.. Scary.
Wow the wake up calls are pretty messed up, but I totally see how the narcs are trying to take advantage on you by taking you by surprise. The narcs in my family have a knack of overreacting in a way that induces panic and anxiety in me. They get loud and talk at speed. One of them opens the dialogue with an insult wrapped up in bad language, the other tries to create fear by predicting worst case scenarios and creating a sense of doom and urgency. My oldest friend (grandiose narc) has a knack of making a baseless assessment about me that is too absurd for me to allow to go uncorrected or resolved, but not absurd enough for me to instinctively laugh in response. It's baiting, but the perpetrator uses the element of surprise because they know that it gives them an advantage. The only way to fix it is to get them out of your life and muted.
And cults too use sleep deprivation to control people
OMG this has made me cry. I can't get the out of bed anymore because of depression because of a narcissist in my life. My energy has been drained completely and I can't seem to recharge.😢
❤❤
same
These parasites are demons after prayers I have healed. They walk with Satan
Stay away from them.
Same 😢
Me also. Exhausted, cry all the time, can't work. Left me homeless and broke. Took all i had after i supported her for three years. Its devastating.
Truly. No one can understand unless they have lived it. The severe panic attacks because you’re trying to moment by moment diffuse a perpetual bomb. You’re never going to diffuse, you can never settle, rest or be at peace.
It's the endless demanding of disproportionate amounts of attention / bandwidth - in any which way they can get it. This seems to take precedence over all other duties, systems or activities. Dealing with my ex was like managing a 56 yr old toddler.
So many years of abuse and stalking. I was made to feel guilty for needing food. I barely had clothes. Was always made to feel guilty. Always the guilt and shame
This bandwidth thing is definitely real. Been in therapy for a while now and I notice I simply don't have the energy and time even to focus on what I need because of this person.
It makes me so sad that a person can destroy another person, to the point where they don't take care of themselves anymore or even think that they deserve self care.
And I really understand how hard it is to engage in self care while in a narcissistic relationship.
When I was 15 one of my parents passed away. I told my other (narcissistic) parent that I really needed someone to talk to about this. My parent then said “Everything is about you, isn’t it?”, and stormed out of the room. I took care of it myself and found someone to talk to, but my parent found a way to sabotage that as well.
Im exhausted making people happy and have never been able to make my needs a priority
Middle of the night torment is the worst and starting to cause other issues .....stomach pain and needing bathroom
I didn't think someone could become so exhausted
The only way to take control from a narcissist is to get yourself from their domain first. You wont be able to figure out anything until and unless you are out of the hellish world. I will tell you one of my favourite stories. Once a King was too disturbed by everything that was happening around him. He felt as if no one was loyal to him and he was always afraid of his kingdom being attacked by perpetrators. He lost his sleep and his life had become hell. So he thought of taking a brief sojourn in the countryside. He passed through lush green fields and picturesque landscapes. The silent breeze that brushed through his hair filled his heart with joy. That is when he saw a farmer who was putting fence around his farmland. But his farmland had weeds all over and they hardly had any crops. This intrigued the King. He asked the farmer as to why was he putting a fence around the farm when the farm itself was covered with weeds. To this the farmer said that the farm was his own so he could get rid of the weeds whenever he liked. But he cant stop the stray dogs from running over his fields and destroying them. That is why he was putting the fence. To stop the stray dogs from venturing into the field. Once he was very assured about the security of his fields he can work on clearing the weeds and planting crops. On hearing this the King somewhat got the answer which he had been searching for. The human mind is also like the field. You cant control assholes from fiddling with your mind or saying bullshit. But you can definitely put a fence ( figuratively) so that these assholes cant influence you. And until and unless you dont put a fence you can never work on yourself. Once you have distanced yourself from toxic people then you can work on the healing process. Same is the case with narcs. Narcs are these stray dogs who suck your energy emotionally. They play mind games for fun because their mind wants melodrama. They hurt the very people who love them. So total isolation from these narcs is absolutely essential for the well being of your Mind. Once you are out of their mind games you can take decisions rationally. Narcs try to drain you emotionally. So everytime you respond to their low vibrations you tend to come to their level. But when you react confidently without panicking and without responding to their negative vibrations that is when you Win. When someone realises that you arent being influenced or being manipulated by their actions they will get tired of it. And after cutting them off completely from your lives you should work on your healing process. Work on clearing your mental clutter and keep yourself preoccupied. Read books and most importantly try to find your Purpose in life. When you find your Purpose you will be able to bear any pain in this World. Most importantly help others in need. When you find someone else who is stuck with a narc help them to get out of that. I feel this is the way to take control from a narcissist. P.S: I hardly find people around me who know about emotional abuse. But I think everyone should read and know about it. In today’s mean world you will find a lot of people who try to influence you or demoralise you using the sweetest of words. Its about identifying these covert manipulators and distancing yourself from them. I have immense respect for people who have survived narcissistic partners. They happen to be the most strongheaded and emotionally stable people you can come across. I learn a lot of things from them. Truly the broken will always be the most beautiful. What ever you do, don’t attempt to tail your spouse in the hopes of catching him or her cheating. Get a professional to do it for you Metaspyhub@gmail. com Ethical remote App - particularly if you need this evidence to file for divorce and damages.
I loved every word in this comment. My narc double lifed me with another family and had a girl at work. I gave so much love to this man and lifted him up like a king. He shattered me. He broke me like I have never been broken before 💔 I am currently traveling the world, healing, choosing me, following my heart, reading, taking classes, going on adventures, meeting new people and ultimately loving myself. I am less than 2 months out of the fake life that never was real. It was all a sick game that he woke up every day and made a choice to play.
Every word in your comment touched on a feeling inside me. Thank you ❤ Live your best life
Thank you so much. What a clear analogy! I will read and reread it many many times!!!
💜💜💜💜💜💜Thank you
Another comment stolen from a true victim, just to post a scam ad. These people are worse than the narcs themselves!!! Pisses me off
I have chronic fatigue after being raised by Narcissistic parents and raising a Narcissistic daughter. I can barely get out of bed.
I’m also exhausted by questioning myself about the toxic persons in my life.
I’m having a hard time believing these people are that evil! My brain can’t wrap around the manipulations.
The moments that I see through the fog…I actually get sick to my stomach.
Consider yourself lucky if your psycho sleeps through the night, mine would keep me up arguing all night, fu&king my brain.
My sister who used to be my roommate had night terrors all throughout the night. Screaming bloody murder sometimes in her sleep at our mom or dad. She would never remember when she’d wake
Mine waited until my head was on the pillow and I had turned out the light... suddenly, out of the darkness on his side of the bed... "remember that time you..." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 😫
@elizabethsetlow862 Same!!! I had one that would wake me up at the wee hours to start shit!!! I was sleep talking and he woke me up yelling and trying to pull my nose ring out. Over me laughing in my sleep! He's dead now. I was relieved when I heard the news!
The wicked never sleep. 😂
@@tijeraslack3their demons won't allow it. 😂
Self-care that is neither selfish nor luxurious: treat other people with kindness, and treat yourself accordingly. Realize you need some kindness, the same as other people need it.
That narcissistic person is a toddler in an adult's body. The damage he/she can do, and the necessary cleanup, never ends.... Each time I left my ex to himself, even for a few hours, I had to undo what he'd done. Exhausting! Not a moments peace.
虐待しています! 報告してください！！
I understand!
He left 5 weeks ago, my energy is trickling back
I have lost my job after I ended up having 2 breakdowns and he started in again and ended up losing my career because he wrecked my brain and abilities to do anything else in my life.
I work with an abusive narcissist. They actually brag about how many times they’ve been reported to HR (18+ times!) and laugh that they are still with the company while those who suffered from their abuse are gone. I’m exhausted and just put in my notice. Makes me sad because I really liked the company I work for.
Does your current company HR or management conduct exit interviews with departing staff? They should if they are genuinely interested in industry best practice and practice improvement. If so, you could state why you are leaving despite liking the firm and suggest they look at the common denominator in other departures over the recent past. If they don't, you could request a final meeting with the highest level manager you can to provide your feedback. The only possible downsides might be your observations being ignored or discounted and your being dismissed as a troublemaker or 'the problem' and so decreasing your chance of being re-employed there.
I walked on egg shells so much I developed chronic tonic clonic seizures. I don't have any desire for self care. Rarely shower. Barely eat. I know I'll rise from this.... but seriously wtf... how do people do this to people. Then he had the nerve to call ME a narcissist..... no. Not anymore. No one will ever do this to me again. I will rise. Be the phoenix I was born to be. But why do we have to burn first? WTF all I want to do is help others heal...... and right now I can't even do that for me.
I know how you feel, my ex stressed me out so much it exacerbated my arthritis. And she didn't even care. Everything you have said, I feel the same way.
Look up ARCS it helps people with these sort of issues. You can even speak in a group online about your trauma without disclosing your real name or showing your face and get knowledge from the counselor running the group session.
You are not alone. My hair is falling out at a rapid rate, my skin is covered in rashes, my face is broken out in acne, my joints are sore, asthma has been getting worse, and constant pounding headaches... I constantly question myself in any social situation and never feel I can trust others that I meet to not manipulate or take his side. The nars do it to not feel alone in their self made misery… because if they were honest with themselves and others, they would have no one. it’s quite sad the source of trauma but it’s still not an excuse to torture someone. There is no correct way to navigate their behavior because they will quickly find a way to criticize and bait and gaslight you into somehow being irrationally and illogically wrong. The cruelty in their words strike blows that id honestly prefer at this point to be physical. It is idiotic how they expect others to accommodate and adapt to their nonsensical demands.
He called me a narc too…is a sign they are. He got my bro also, my only support in this country, and who I helped to come here
My family life has become exhausting because of the narcissists. Super disheartening. Learning to take care of myself with boundaries and disengagement to protect my health. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Totally true Dr Ramani alive but not living. Total depletion and can't function at my best.
Oh yes, definitely applies to me. I dread weekends when my husband is home because he is so easily triggered to rage at me. It's not an "if" he's going to cuss at me for something, but "when." I am mentally exhausted from the required juggling to keep him pacified. And I get sick a lot, and have fibromyalgia diagnosed at 9 years into the marriage.
Simple, get a divorce, get away from that man. You shouldn’t stay with someone who constantly kills you everyday. This affects you mentally & physically. Live a better life without this man.
Exhaustion and rumination are totally real after a relationship with a narcissist, when the hyper vigilance and cortisol driven lifestyle is no longer needed. Then is when you’d like to lie down in a warm dark place and sleep for about 100 years. Since coming out of my last (and final) relationship like that I’ve found the best thing for me is total no contact. That person has moved to a new source of supply and once in a while we text, but that tends to open old still healing wounds. I count all the blessings I have now, the peace, the enjoyment of walking into my kitchen knowing no one else is there, it’s only my food in the fridge; just little things that add up to a contented life without constant criticism or having to put up with a person who goes from poor me to it’s all your fault rage in nanoseconds. And of course I’ve grown in so many valuable ways. Took me years to get here - okay by me if it takes a few more to get back up to speed. At least I will spend a portion of my life saying life is good. When I describe this person to anyone else I generally mention they are a person I will be very happy never to see again in this lifetime lol.
It depletes so much of one's internal resources, it's like charging a rundown battery that's given up the ghost and cannot be revived 😵💫
My mother told me (30+ years ago now)"I wish I'd had time to be depressed", while I was suffering from postnatal depression after the birth of my 1st child, with my abusive and controlling ex husband 🙄
Never told her about my feelings ever again. Not pnd after 2nd child, not my previous or subsequent bouts of depression. I was definitely scapegoat child to her. I cut her off totally eventually. Such a weight off my shoulders once I did that, it's a shame I waited so long, but I'm not blaming myself for that anymore
I could listen to Dr. Ramani talk all day. Understanding all of this is so helpful.
You are so right! I'm in constant need of protecting myself and my work from the abuse and thefts of somehow entitled and difficult people. If that wasn't the case I would be doing so much more. I'm also in constant need to recover which also tends to be difficult because of these kinds of people
My wife will remember every little thing I've ever said or done but has selective memory when it comes to the most hateful and vindictive things she has done to me.
She always twists my words and acuses me of thoughts I never have.
My life has been hell with her and she knows I would never leave because I don't want to hurt our children .
She has destroyed my self confidence with her constant criticism of everything I do.
You hurt your kids anyway. The see everything. Unfortunatly this is not right - stay there for your kids. It doesn't work. And the worst thing: your kids could learn this pattern of behavior.
Thank you for all of these videos. I now understand (remember) why I feel so absolutely drained and tired all the time. My ex-husband and his mother are the constant victims (vulnerable Narcissists). I spent 3 days with them over the Xmas period for the sake of our children. The drama, chaos and crises just never ends. Come today I finally had to speak my mind about how I just desperately wish they could get their sh1t together because my children and I are suffering because they cannot handle their business properly. And I have to hear about non-paying tenants and non-stop stupid stuff. I am so exhausted from just trying not to lash out at them. Sadly, today I sent a very nasty message that I am certainly not proud of but I felt driven to the edge and I broke. Of course now (again) I am the unhinged one. And frankly, then so be it. Even though I know I am the healthy and responsible parent in this scenario.
I hope I sleep better tonight. The self-protecting dragon in me just had enough and breathed fire onto these 2 individuals. God help me.
🙏
Big hug, its ok to cry ❤
Your dragon's got your back :)
Try to detach…only way to stay healthy….detach, detach
Can we switch that to walking on broken glass ?
I had many sleepless nights, so glad to be single now.
It was making me sick literally
Omg, yes. He made me think I was ruining his sleep. I was just trying to survive and felt safer when he was asleep and not around.
Yup my family must think I am the narcissist because I was fighting for my life after he left and they didn’t get it. They literally told a bed ridden person to get out of bed and learn how to clean. My aunt showed up and didn’t virtually nothing and then attempted to victim blame me saying if I was acting this certain way… like insinuating that he left because of it. I have no idea what he said to them but they treat me so horrible like it’s not an emergency and when I try to talk about it, they don’t want to hear shit. “If you need to talk….” Yet they don’t care or listen… I’m mourning the family I thought I had. If this was anyone else in the family they would be rallying for them.
And my family would ask why I couldn’t sleep with basic skills and would send me all kinds of BS to try, I was so angry at them. They had no idea. Yeah they kept me on sleep medication on my life. I am heavily reliant on drugs every night to sleep still.
My self care is when the narcissist takes a nap. That hour I never thought would be so valuable ,but boy is it everything.
Thanks!
I'm still amazed at the amount of time that a narcissist will spend writing very long texts, emails and even letters, had a good few of those over the years. It got to the stage where I didn't even bother to read them. Not least as they are mostly fabricated rubbish.
You’re so right! My ex would lie about everything when we were together. He spent no time with me besides being around to argue and hit me until I was disabled. Then he’d hang with all of his women and friends that he had for a price. Once broken up he had all this time for me to stalk for hours a day and letters, texts etc of finally telling the truth. I paid him no mind. He’s finally out of my life a few moves later,
My ex was always wordy, but outdid himself with a seriously long document after we divorced. I jokingly called it The Manifesto, after the Unabomber's epic tome.
This eggshell walking is a type of hell. And what is worse, the narc knows very well what they are doing and just watch you with an evil smirk while you trip all over yourself (I'm thinking about a relative who I can't quite avoid just yet). It is sickening. But I'm done. DONE.
Amen!!! I think the only problem in the world is the "toxic people"..... even diseases and other tragedies would be fine, even tolerable,, we would enjoy support, community, and joy, and we wouldn't worry about nuclear war, crime, injustice, basically everything that sucks in the world.... I'm sure there is an evolutionary need for "cluster B", but are we evolving away from that?... Thank you Thank you!!!👍❤❤❤
It always seems darkest just before the dawn.
Thank you, but isn't that a gaslight? I'm sure you meant well but I have thought a lot about that phase, my ex-narc would always say that to me, like maybe a future fake?, then keep abusing me... , but thank you, I'm sure you meant it well!!! 👍@@scott3357
Being with a narc for 15 years,i nvr enjoyed a holiday,valentines day,birthdays....nothing
💯Totally exhausting walking on eggshells! Fantastic video!
If I had a dollar for every hour of sleep I've lost because I woke up and thought of her gaslighting, ranting, lies, etc, I'd buy myself another Harley!
Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it
there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.
this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her.
If you look up Shelly Renee White online, you will find all the information you need. Thank you.
I’ve been physically away from him now for 5 months. There’s still texting ( a slight bit). Otherwise no contact. I still have severe anxiety and exhaustion. My bandwidth feels like it’s non existent. These videos have given me a great understanding & helped me to think that I can get through this. Thank you Doc ❤
Golly I have the perfect example! One night just before 10pm and getting ready for bed, hubs, and I are down in the kitchen. He opens the refrigerator door and eats my full pound of smoked turkey that was to be my sandwiches for the next week. I work from home so I lunch from home. He hates smoked turkey, but ate it ALL anyway in maybe 3 mins, with his gut hanging over his boxers, and nothing else on standing in front of the fridge. He had an awful smirk on his face. I was aghast and just couldn’t understand why he would do such a thing- literally gluttonize my week’s lunches and then go to bed. Gets worse. Next morning he takes his pound of unsmoked turkey meat to the office and “accidentally” takes my whole set of keys including car keys (and a massive girly tassel!!!) to the office so I can’t run to the store and get my lunch stuff! I wasted hours, weeks, months of time spinning wheels and redundant grocery trips etc. I ate a lot of crappy lunches. The POS mind that thinks up these things to waste your life! No contact 2yrs now.
This is how I am treated as well it's so easy to see that they are thriving on you're disdain. Sado masochists are freaks.
They do take sick pleasure in ruining or destroying the small, big or even simple things that bring you joy and happiness. They are thieves. Their devilish smirk while doing so tells you everything you need to know about these monsters.
You are no contact but does this mean you are divorced? Also, before you were married, did your ex hubbs display this kinda behavior before, you know taking your things without asking?
@@LifebyK88 - in the long and awful process of divorce, and no, he held things up quite nicely for about two years or so… Then the mask started falling off, and his true ugly self came blazing through the worst experience of my life!
Almost every single event was a tantrum , a trip away, a birthday not his , any time I wanted to spend time with my adult children for a holiday. It seemed to ramp up as time went on. It became /so predictable , anxiety provoking . An eggshell life to a great degree..
I had a narcissist boss. I ended up getting an attorney. He said “unfortunately, there’s no laws against being an asshole.” Hostile work environment is often hard to prove. I recommend you to document everything! Try to have text messages and emails vs phone conversations.
I never married made a career or had children. I was surrounded by narcissists. Parents, sister (!) almost all of my friends… crazimaking, blaming, eggshells walking, constantly crises in their life… gaslighting…. After going to therapy -(I became depressed, had no energy anymore… ) I cut them all out..(except ageing parents) I had no words for what was happening to me. I tried to help, make sense…. Thank you. You save lives ❤
You learn to force the sleep. The family I live with are highly narcissistic and abusive. They tell me that I am useless, that my degree is useless that my resume prevents my career and job. Those people are liars and I tell myself that every day. The family's behavior has to be seen to be believed.
He ruined every holiday and event or just never attended. Spent thanksgiving with his mistress and her family. She made sure I knew!
Yes. Big days are ALWAYS ruined by him, because he always finds a way to be angry about something. Fun vacations are ruined due to his nasty attitude, and anything NOT having to do with him means nothing to him.
It’s crazy! I made Christmas happen for my daughter, from the decorations to every single gift to wrapping the gifts and hiding Santa presents. He tried to ruin that, and Christmas Day is my daughters birthday.
I move to my own place this September, divorce within the year. We been separated but living together for 3 1/2 years now.
Forgot to mention, I also baked and decorated her cake, and got her birthday presents wrapped as well. My ex narc (her father whom I live with) literally could not care less about contributing.
Yes mam. How about a narcissist with dementia? Horrors. I’m the wife caregiver. Help!
You should relinquish care to registered nurses, rather than blame the symptoms of dementia and the brain dying as some form of narcissism. Your husband as you knew him no longer exists. Sorry but damn, dementia patients aren’t part of this subject. Refer yourself to registered nurses before you do something stupid
God bless you.may Allah fix youre problem amiin.
I hope you are seeking help and getting some breaks throughout the week.
This happened to before a job interview, I didn't understand what was wrong. Now I get the last piece of the puzzle. Thank you very much Dr Ramani ! 🙏🙏🙏
Oh oh oh I wasted soooo much time .... my mother. The ex husband. The ex romance 2018. Five former friends. No contact with them all.
I run my own business as a group fitness dance instructor. Some members are just straight from hell. I'm learning to recognize them and not waste time on them. Especially in my head. Thanks to you Dr Ramani
The narcissistic parent is what I applied this to....decades of destruction...
No joke, in CA the labor laws protect toxic people in the work place. I have witnessed companies suffer from this, such as paying the ultimate price of losing valuable employees, or even closing its door. The good news is that these valuable employees find jobs elsewhere rather quickly.
It seems to be that way all across the board....justice systems **oxymoron**included.
I work in white collar banking business, and worked with several extremely toxic people...HR lives in fear, as everyone else around them. The look on a very ones face when the person's name comes up is...OMG! That crazy POS.
Well said Dr. Ramani. I find listening to your channel very eye-opening. Thank you for the excellent choice of words.
The stress of being around so many toxic people, and sometimes it's your boss.
Absolutely Brilliant Details! 🌞
ENERGY expenditures: mentally, emotionally, physically, economically, and more exhaustive gravitational effects.
yes 23 years I ended up disabled and with fibromyalgia!! I believe it was the abuse mentally I received especially during 10 surgery recoveries I went through....6 years free and still exhausted
I wish I knew what I was dealing with when I first signed up to become a teacher. My mentor was extremely difficult to work with. She was nice in public, but she never batted an eye at me nor spoke to me when we were alone in her classroom. I was expected to read her mind and know what was happening in the school even though I was practically a volunteer. I begged my university program to let me switch schools, but I was stuck with her. I had to learn to work around her cold shoulders, double standards, fake niceness, you name it. Once she got what she wanted out of me, which was tenure from the school--because she was a "mentor"--she kicked me out. I was not welcomed to her students' graduation, which was fine with me. I ran and never looked back.... And I learned NEVER to teach like her (She was lazy, cruel, and had favorites and scapegoats.)
Omg, the "Airing of the Grievences." I had never heard of this phrase before, but I have been working in a job with a narcassist boss for a little over a month and this is exactly what they do. Then you are worn down into a little nub of a person. It's so exhausting.
One ex insisted on having elective surgery two weeks before our baby was due. Another tried to start a fight while we sat in our seats awaiting the plane’s departure. I told him I was going to get off if he didn’t stop.
my psychologist for ever i love you Ramani
This showed up again today for I'm sure a good reason. I recently had a horrible experience with a tenant that tested me and showed me my real views about issues. This person needed to have all the attention all the time. This didn't bode well in a landlord tenant situation. I consciously now tell myself that he doeson't get any more time. Having lost sleep in the last 2 weeks, I can say that sleep disruption make things difficult. This is a priceless video. Thanks
Absolutely nailed it!
I so needed to hear you say this I am so exhausted from 18 years of this behavior
I would like to thank You Dr. Ramani for putting a name to what I have endured for so long, now I know. Everything you have said is so very true about narcissists, I made it through alive even though I didn't think that I would. I'm an empath so you can imagine what it did to me being with a narcissist. So again thank you for your help, I am so grateful for your help now I understand.
This is so true. Toxic people and toxic ways steal your time! For example, my mom is sure that i am unable to pack my own luggage, so she lectures me and comments on my every move if i have the unluck to have to pack with her in the room. It is draining. And than she usually insist on taking everything apart to repacking it herself. Which means later i have to redo it yet again, because i am actually much better at packing since i move around a lot.
Last few times it was even funny to see mom tell me how bad i am, attempt to repack my luggage and find herself unable to fit back half the stuff. She gets very angry, but can never act on it, because it would mean admitting she was wrong and that is something she can not do.
However, it still means that i have to spend 3x time on packing. I avoid packing if she is in the room.
Keep your f ing hands off my shit! 😅
We shouldn't blame ourselves for believing in them. Only after experiencing the pain many times they inflict we will know that people like this existed.
Yes he always try to ruin things. Specially when I am happy but now that I know, I just laugh and tell him is not going to work. Yes he makes lots os tantrums
I've learned my best healing for dealing with being a scapegoat that when I tend to want say a whole bunch of what is true I do that but instead of sending it to who I started the urge to speak about all this hell. . . I downloaded a great little journal app so will just copy the long story then I copy it and paste it in my journal and make sure it's all gone where I started it and safely put into my person volt so that I can review and edit it all. That way I can continue my plans to publish some books of the truth as I fight my way through this very lonely and dangerous no contact journey. I have to stay safe and that is easier said than done. Wish me luck, thanks again for the videos. You've taught me so much I can't express my gratitude. Love you
That is such a good idea! ❤
I had a colleague/friend whose partner was a narcissist and routinely, predictably, when this colleague and I would schedule a lunch to catch up, the narcissist would have some sort of emergency that would require us to postpone/reschedule. The last emergency involved a trip to the ER because the narcissist had had an accident breaking open a coconut. We were in a very rural state and they lived way out in the country. You really have to work to have an accident with a coconut. It’s doable. But it takes some real effort. At that point, I didn’t even try to reschedule….even at one remove, it was just too much drama.
It is self-preservation. I focus on sleep.. I put my phone in the drawer.They are close, but they know it's goodnight.If I need them ,they are close by.Focus on yourself 😊
Yes! Narcissistic parent then narcissistic Mil. A bout of flu that I couldn't shake, left me with Rheumatoid arthritis (auto immune disease)
The body keeps score. I keep away or grey rock from toxic new people in my life. My body literally feels it! Much love to you all. 🇬🇧❤️