Narcissistic Family Roles: The Lost Child
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 20 ก.ย. 2024
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wow. this covers my life well. living in chaos with two wildly emotionally unstable parents, being treated with hate, neglect, and manipulation, and feeling constantly dismissed, like i wasnt a person but an object. learned to go away, live in my head to feel safe. having such trouble with relationships in my life, not expecting and not trusting in others to be validated. and what you say about authenticity is right on. thats what i crave more than anything, to feel like i can expres myself authentically and be apreciated and loved for it, not attacked and shamed.
You are getting there, Right now you are your best self!.... And can only get better. Xxx
I am the lost child and I’m on a journey to find myself and discover my emotions. I have no idea who I am.
I'm equal parts the scapegoat and the lost child. Man, does this hit home. Thank you for the insight and clarity you bring with every video
Interesting combo. Does it go in “seasons” where there are long stretches of one or is it different depending on the setting/situation and who is present?
When we educate ourselves, we can change things.
This is disturbingly accurate. I’m one of three girls, my oldest sister was the golden child, the middle was the scapegoat and I was apparently the lost child. I cannot believe how insanely accurate this is. I’ve been on my journey of healing for years now, but I’m still determined to achieve authenticity and freedom from my past.
I'm like you but then the scapegoat who hated me all her life made me the scapegoat and every family member now hates me.
Why didn't you stand for the truth with the scapegoat?
I was both Lost Child and Scapegoat. I was the middle child and 3rd girl before "the boy" (my parents were so disappointed they had yet another girl that my dad drank a special tea to conceive a boy when I was 2 months old! My brother was born just before I turned one.) My mom told me as a child that had it not been for my blond curls, blue eyes, and big smile garnering attention from other adults I’d have no attention at all! Just as you describe I was like a prop, just there taking up space. I kept to myself, preferring solitary activities like drawing & reading to be alone & out of harms way. I was extremely malleable, copying my other siblings, being their shadow, trying to emulate qualities I thought made them likable. At the same time I was scapegoated, blamed for things I didn’t do and things far outside my responsibilities as a child. I guess because I wouldn’t/couldn’t stand up for myself. My role was the family trash can & I was expected, demanded, ordered to sacrifice myself for others. To this day, now in my late 60’s, I struggle to stand up for myself or even know what I want.
I was also the scapegoat/ lost child. I grew up with 3 narcissist in my family. Mother father and brother. I overcame the scapegoat role. Now I'm trying to overcome the lost child role. There isn't much information of how to heal from the lost child role. Thanks for your comment. And thanks Michelle for your videos
@@jonathanreynolds3667 I think it’s a common combo. In my case I noticed when they wanted something I got elevated to Lost Child needing their rescue. If/when their covert plan fell through I was blamed & back to being scorned & scapegoated. LC naturally became my survival strategy.
I had undiagnosed ADHD as well & spent a lot of time alone in my room: cleaning, organizing, decorating, reading books (mostly horses), drawing (mostly horses), knitting & crafts. I never knew what to expect when I walked outside my room so it was my safe space.
Lost Child left me so disconnected from myself I actually found solace & freedom in making myself invisible. My superpower & if I were a saint I’d be the Patron of the unseen masses.
I was also the middle child, 3rd girl before the boy. Really bad placement.
I was the scapegoat when they needed one and when I fought back and the lost child the rest of the time. I was the oldest but the only girl and my Dad was a misogynistic ahole so I was always put against my younger brothers. I finally reached that crash point last month.
I hope you find the help and support you need.
I pray for all the bullied and the scapegoated. May they find the inner strength and angels they need to get through it all
@@papapeaceful8713 Thank you so much 🙏 🙂
Ha. When I learned to be vulnerable and express myself, I found myself being copied by a narcissist that I didn’t realize was a narcissist.
I feel like it was a step backwards because I just want to retreat back into privacy so nobody else can take anymore pieces of me.
I’m so tired.
My youngest child is in her mid twenties and now her body is physically crashing after years of multiple symptoms with no diagnosis. Her father was a narcissist. She was the watcher- watching what her big sister did and how it set dad off. I did not realize how she absorbed all the negative energy.
It's extra sinister that because the devaluation is shown by the ABSENCE of something (love and attention vs. hitting or yelling), a Lost Child can go their whole life thinking they had a normal upbringing and the problem is their inherent badness. How sneakily cruel. Learning about Childhood Emotional Neglect and its harms was very validating for me.
Watching a movie is exactly what my entire life has felt like! Thank you ❤
This whole video is powerful, especially the part about reaching a breaking point. I had that exact experience, years later now and I’m sober, happier and healthier than I’ve ever been. Thank you for making these videos, the message is so vital! ❤
I'm a twin. My adoptive mother treated me like I was the same person as my twin, but she got all the attention by making constant tantrums. I felt like a ghost all through my growing up years.
Thank you for this , can you please do more , if also lost child/ mascot . This reminds me of my younger brother i didn't realize how bad that must feel for him . Thank you for helping my empathy in understanding life from his wounded perspective in a way i can understand
As a lost child with a golden child brother who gave me the gift of acknowledging that our mother was off with me, your comment moves me. I wish everyone was so lucky to have a sibling who gets it. : - )
Thank you for posting this. It brought tears to my eyes. As a lost middle child, I have always empathized with my siblings and the hardship of their roles, but they have not acknowledged the pain of being the lost child. At this point, I don’t need them to as I have done so for myself. But it still touches my heart to read your words.
I'm the lost child (basically don't exist) in the family system now that I no longer allow myself to be scapegoated. By no longer being the scapegoat, I'm no longer useful in the system, so therefore I don't exist. It's also a punishment for my stepping out of my role as scapegoat.
I am 39 and just realizing these things now.
I'm 51. Doing the same thing.
wow this explains so much of me Made me to cry that lost child that was me I never existed ..I could not take it any more after 35 after my second baby ..I started to get help I am much better and healed at 43 Thanks to people who are helping and awakening people like us who are stuck in our own body in the most weird way..We needed that heloing hand could not get it from my covert narc mom..She seperated me from my dad who wanted to save me.
I’m glad you covered the lost child. However I had a very different experience in this role.
Becoming invisible was absolutely done on purpose. I’m still good at it to this day. I had a chance to become the golden child, but instead I hid my talents, pretended to have nothing to show off to others, and any time I was in view of the narcissist I complete grey rocked (showed absolutely no emotion or response to anything said or done).
I became completely independent because anything I asked for came with a toxic price. Anything I needed was either given by exerting power over me, or shaming me for asking.
My stubborn ass said no thanks, I’d rather starve. Still have issues with food ten years later but hey, I still beat him at his own game and refused to give up my authentic self. I just spent all of my energy hiding it until I was alone.
My lost child experience was mostly hiding in my room and escaping to fantasy worlds where I found all of the emotional nourishment that I needed. I learned to process all of my emotions and experiences alone. I learned to how to be a good person and make connections outside the home on my own.
My siblings were not so lucky.
Similar here, I think I just saw how the others were treated and how I was treated and decided I didn't want anything to do with that.
This is so accurate! I have read the book about the 5 love languages and I can't figure out which one resonates with me. I don't even know my love language. The hard part is finding who you are and figuring out what love feels like.
You are really good at this work, well done, don't forget, getting out emotions, any emotions is the way out, not stuck. Never tell someone how they should feel. That's abuse
I have a perfect Narcissistic family.
My father is Overtly Narcissistic. My mother is covert narcissist.
My elder brother is the scapegoat.
My twin sister is the golden child.
I, other half of then twin, am the invisible child.
Wow! I love how you explain this in plain English. For years I never knew what was going on in my head and this was so clearly explained. Thank you so much. What a breakthrough, now I can continue to heal.
I thought I was the golden child but I'm the lost child
*I have a shout out.* Most of the role-names come from the relation with the parent, mostly from the view of the mother. Like "golden child", he is not golden of course. The mother sees or want to see him / her as golden. Or the scapegoat. It is self explanatory, nobody can be a scapegoat by themselves. However, the invisible child, lost child is a -how can I say- is far away from the reality of the child and his / her relation. We are not "lost" or "invisible". We don't lack anything as a humanbeing.
It is conditioning. And as far as I figured out it works like this. Fear -> Guilt -> Shame.
The conditioning goes:
1. *Fear* -> Make him / her fear so that he / she won't pick up the courage, feel courages, have the courage to decide to do the thing. (Suspension on the mind. And whatever happens in the household feeds this too.)
2. *Guilt* -> Make him / her feel guilty so that he / she stay stuck, non-moving, actionless (Suspension on the body. Again whatever he / she hears from his mother feeds this. The mother's vocal reactions, shamings on others, other's behaxaviors shape the idea of the child of guiltiness. )
3. *Shame* -> Make him / her ashamed so that he cannot express his situation, his feelings, emotions, questionings, doubts, fears and guiltiness (suspension on the social realm)
When the conditioning succeeded, the boy or the girl start to live in the imagination land. Actually we are not lost. *We are the peasants of the imagination land.* In that context, imagination is more than unicorns and songs or paintings. Imagination of our roles, imagination of our relationships, imagination of everything. *We are "suspended" as a being from the real life and recruited to the imagination land as a non-being.*
*So in that perspective. I find it more suitable to call the invisible child as "suspended" child. Suspended from developping, suspended from expressing, suspended from reacting, suspended from interacting, suspended as a whole, as being.*
*Thereby, a child, a responsibility, a role (which is obviously not needed as there is a role to represent the total good which is the golden child, and there is a role to represent the total evil which is the scapegoat) is eliminated from the life of the mother, parent.*
Good news. Guys, you are only eliminated from the mother's, parent's life. Not the life itself. Love yourself, express yourself and lower the bar when it comes to reality as you are used to spend time in idealizations in the imaginary land. You are accepted, believe me. You are not lost nor invisible. You were suspended to grow, that's all.
My parent referred to us 4 as 'you children', as if we were a nameless mob.
I don't think he knew much about us as individuals.
I definitely had to learn by observing, and chose not to be like my argumentative sister.
My father always wanted 'a boy'. The boy was born shortly after me, so I got even more forgotten.
Then the father decided the boy wasn't the answer and wasn't 'good enough' and used him as a scapegoat too.
What a mess.😢
i’m an only child but this hit me so hard. i just made the realization about a month ago and the ups and downs are real and HARD. thank you for these words 💕
I grew up the lost child and the scapegoat. When I would get into trouble my narcissistic father would sat nothing to me nit correct me or anything looking back I was looking for attention I never got
Thank you for this! I needed to hear about the lost child. Golden or Scapegoat, just didn’t completely fit. I am the youngest of three.
Holy crap.. this sounds like my family system 🫣 My brother is the lost child, my mom was so busy with my sister and I he got like no attention. He was so starved for her love and attention that his life & personality is based on trying to impress her. She taught him how to play chess once and he became absolutely obsessed, he joined chess club, read books, watched championships etc (she doesn't care, not impressed at all). My mom loved Bruce Lee and watched the movies with us once as kids, my brother begged for Kung Fu lessons after and paid for classes well into adulthood, has a Kung Fu tattoo, and majored in Chinese in college (none of these things ever impressed her or even registered on her radar!). Basically my brother is a collection of the few good memories he has with my mom and even her own interests and hobbies are no longer interesting when he's doing it.
That is really sad. Your poor brother 💔💜
@angelm Wow, that is insightful and so bleak. "Basically my brother is a collection of the few good memories he has with my mom..." Oof. < : - ( My birthday and Christmas were literally the ONLY times I felt seen by my mother and it took me years to realize that's why I'm so compulsive about making birthdays special for people (and usually get depressed on my own!). I hope your brother figures it out sooner than I did and finds healing!
Can you do a followup vid focusing on the connected lost child with examples so we can see what that may look like? Thanks
I was a scapegoat and lost child! My mom was more abusive to me compared to 3rd sister. She would praise her and not have her take responsibilities for her actions.
I’ve worked so hard trying to be useful and liked, fawning and doing good deeds so that I can be… something, anything in my family system. Since I don’t have a family of my own, Ive globbed onto my siblings’ families while trying to be oh so very helpful and supportive. I’ve perpetuated the dynamics and that makes me cringe. At 50, I feel a bit stuck: do I finally go off and start my life somewhere that I don’t have family and try to build a network from the ground up (hard as a solo middle aged person) or do I continue to live near family and try to begin to transform my role within the family where there is a descent amount of love and some support with my siblings and their spouses and kids and even my parents now (also hard because family dynamics with me as the lost child are so embedded and hard to reestablish)?
It s funny that When it comes to family roles, the scapegoat and the golden child has more attention then anyother roles. And what is even funnier is that it s the same thing even oline. And few people talk about theother roles
Not necessarily, I was the oldest child and the lost child. It worked differently for me.
I was 3 of 4 kids the first was a scapegoat the second is a narc I'm three and was accused of being a loaner while I was just protecting myself now that I can see the truth I can say that o the fourth you guessed it the golden child. I was always overlooked intel someone wanted something and I became the one trying to be a loaner and a pleaser I ended up in my 60s finally learning how much they don't deserve to be part of my life
37yrs old and still dont know who i am, afraid to disagree with many people, afraid of any kind of conflict or negativity directed at me, afraid to attract attention, to be confident, wondering what skills and talents I have and could develop if born into a healthy family with a stable path in the world maybe thats how itll stay till the end.
You're not alone, I feel exactly the same and turning 37 this year. Ive felt both alive and completely absent my whole life.
@@Ashley-qi7yq ❤️thank you for these words. These days I have severe mood swings due to exhaustion and lack of rest and sleep. I hope things can get better for all us someday.
It's NOT 're' doing any anyfreakingthing
And it is fighting myselves.
Better? This hurts so much
Who's the GOLDEN Child ✨️ 😊
Based on my experience, the lost child is the eldest sister and her role is flying monkey created by my another sister which is she is a golden child and she grew up as a narcissistic as well. My father is covert narc i guess and my sister is malignant narc. And sadly to say i am scapegoat. And lost sister is in golden child side.
Can the lost child be the escape goat
2:07
We should all just be learning to be happy healthy and fair to others so that our future relationships can actually be healthy and flourish naturally.
All that selfish toxicity sabotages the happiness of everyone in the group no matter how big or small, whether they admit it or not.
id say i hit that point in 7:21 3 years ago. for me narcissistic people are 3 years late on my time. come to terms with dr raminis work. yeah lols i am onto them. i want their blood sociologically. i have 24/25 people who are no contact or low contact cus it worked for them and it doesnt work for me anymore.
sucks to suck. 10:36 re learning those soft feelings.
that explains why home work is so hard for me, 11:38 when i do its self differentiation and it hurts they hurt u when u dare to be authentic and tell them nope thats gona work anymore.
why dont u say and why does lots of ppl still use but.