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My sister was and is the Golden Child and she became a narcissist of the worse kind. She is still trying to ruin others lives. What are people talking about when they say the Golden child is a vitamin?
I mean, the rest of the family gets salary from a family biz that I helped build as an unpaid 13-year old (ugh, I hate needing to say this, but I'll put it in fate's hands, so umm, lawyers get at me? I know, random, but what if it worked?!) Btw, tell me a state, & I'll tell you if unpaid, teenage labor built the backbone of your modern internet capabilities
@@nftawes2787It's a way of exhausting you to the core of ur existance. You'll end up sick. Just f*ck the money. Start living on ur own-& cut off from em. Life can be started from scratch when ur mind n body are still working fine. I've done this mistake. Trust me. They gave me the share I rightfully had. And then? I am in fear . Every person I meet on a daily person is a predator sent by em. I've begged em to take it away n let me go. But I feel the war has just begun. And I am struggling to stand up on my own. Living with a ticking bomb in my brain as cancer. Kindly understand. They are not human. Prioritise ur physical n mental health. God bless
Wow. My brother tried to warn me so many times about how bad our family was, but I didn't listen. I just thought HE was the problem. Years after my brother's death, I suddenly woke up to the fact that I had lived my life around my parents' wishes, and I had no idea who I was. I went NC so I could deal with my trauma and learn to grow up.
1st, I'm very sorry for the passing of your bro ❤ 2nd, I have often wondered myself if my older bro and younger sistr would ever stop blaming me for all of it, if I were to die before them.. or, would they always and forever see me as the defiant and problem seeker..
Same. My late brother would say, as a teen..,'he doesn't have our best interests at heart'..and 'I don't look to Dad 4 GUIDANCE-!....as an adult, Chris would day, he never felt he was part of the family... He was ignored and it later turned out he was Schizophrenic..to his detriment..I always looked out for my 'baby brother' he looked up to me...❤
Exactly called it out by running away finally got away for good at 12, nobody believed me because I had such wonderful parents 🙄 the alcoholic and narcissist I was the only adult
Ex golden child here! now turned empath... Narcs put you into these subcategories without your knowledge, but I unplugged myself from the shenanigans once I started speaking my truths, setting boundaries and seeking accountability from everything toxic and dysfunctional. They need to get it together or get to moving. I'm not tolerating the bull any longer. I'm not afraid to live life without them.
My golden sibling-Sisterzilla is vicious and appears quite happy in her land of make believe. ZERO compassion or understanding unless it’s a facade in front of others. A VERY Mean human being who can con most people. I’m the scapegoat currently finding my power authenticity Love & Compassion without allowing abuse anymore 💪
@@TheChosenOne2222 one things i am in agreement with you, earth is shit for everybody. no family here too, just look a like, i am fine too now, hope is here...maybe good exist after all, not here, not there, but somewhere! big hug
You described my golden child sister. And the other 3 siblings. I love not having anything to do with them or there generational unappreciative children.
Yup.... I was both the only child and the only grandchild (on mom's side) until I was 11... When I was good (especially when I got good grades, which was incredibly difficult due to undiagnosed ADHD and also valued and prioritized above everything else, including my mental and physical health ), I was praised and figuratively placed on that high, shining pedestal. The instant I made any kind of mistake (even innocent, unintended ones), I was dashed off that pedestal into figurative dirt....i was screamed at, belittled, made to feel guilty about said mistake, and left alone to cry it out with little to no comfort and ZERO validation. What's creepy is my aunt and uncle would tease me and call me "golden child" when I was growing up
@@kaymck225 ❤🩹I am sorry. I had all As in primary school years, skipped one grade completely, and excelled at violin playing. Later on I realized that my brother resented me for the attention all this brought. He didn't seem to realize that none of it felt good. I would have loved some love and attention from my parents for being nobody special at all, you know if they just cared how any of this achievement felt to a child would have been nice. But they didn't. To this day they will lament that I had so much talent, but the "wrong" personality. Charming. I cannot imagine speaking to my boy like that, thank goodness.
@@kaymck225 Sounds familiar, I grew up with a brother but both parents gave us different roles, so I was both sg and gc depending on the parent and the circumstance, and it resulted in utter confusion ofc, a total mess. I can laugh about it now, humor is a good healer.
I'm the Golden child and my favorite brother is the scapegoat. Before I started learning about toxic family roles, we were always at eachother throats. I recognized what was happening in my family and realized the pain he was going through. After that I learned to help him and talk through the problems we have dealt with. He's a trouble maker but he is my favorite person in the world and I'm glad that he's learning how to deal with our family.
Is he the only one who has to learn to deal with our family?? I think not! I have heard it is the golden child who is harmed most. The golden child never individuates, they never develop their own sense of self within the narc dynamic, and, of course, the world has no idea they’re golden.
@@jeanarnone3184 I think everyone in a toxic house learns to deal in their own ways, especially when there's no instruction from guardians. There's a few different roles a child can play like an invisible child or comic relief. All will struggle coming from that environment. The golden child can realize how bad the environment is and change but that's if they don't become narcissistic. It does cause a lot of mental issues, depression, anxiety, low self esteem, imposter syndrome, ect. I've tend to see the scape goat getting more of the verbal and physical abuse and the golden child having more physiological abuse. I have struggled a lot to develop my own sense of self and setting boundaries. Learning about the cycle of abuse and being aware was the only way I was able to develop.
Weird. I'm the scapegoat but I was the only one to graduate high school and college and my college was paid in full by my parents. My golden child siblings were the ones in and out of jail, hs dropouts, on drvgs, in a gang, runaway, etc. But they were "the good ones" "because at least they say 'Yes, ma'am/No ma'am to me!' " I think college, music academy, etc. were paid for because of my daddy. If my narc mom had the choice, I wouldn't have gotten any of it. She definitely loved gloating about my talents to ppl while also abusing me behind closed doors.
The worse was pitting us against eachother, it will take a lot of time to heal. If we hadn't had these roles put upon us, we would have been very close. Former Golden Child.
Sorry to hear this Jess Thank you for watching. “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families! Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
My sisters and I were treated the same pitted against each other, i'm the only one in the family that's awake to what's happening. I'm 55, have spent the last 30 years estranged from my sisters thanks to our narcissistic parents. I was 47 when I was awakened, its been a very hard road but I finally got out only for my 32 year old daughter to contact my father to hurt me, she's a narcissist too, its just an on going cycle of abuse , hurt and betrayal. My daughter's father is a narcissist so im not surprised she is doing what she does and oneday I'll go no contact with her, I've tried over the years but it's not easy when there's grandchildren involved, but from my experience you can't stay in there with them. I'm not close with my son either as he's an alcoholic/addict, I am too but have 16 years Sobriety so we don't see much of each other. It's a very lonely life, but I don't think we have a choice because the older I get the less I can be around narcissist, I get physically and mentally ill.
I am Irish, with 3 brothers, one sister. I am the oldest. My oldest brother was the golden child. My sister was the scapegoat. My mother told me that I was treated well because I was born with toxoplasmosis, an eye condition, which she thought she was to blame for getting pregnant before she married dad. My brother is still a nightmare. Entitled and condescending. My other brothers still feel inferior to him. My poor poor sister is alcohol dependant with no life. Keep well people.
The golden child in my family was sent to approved school, then prison, the ‘good’ children were discarded. Bullies stick together is my experience of narcissists
These family dynamics sent a lot of relatives to a premature death. I had to run away to get well. I was sick all the time back when. Today I never get sick.
All the non-narcs die early deaths in these families I've noticed. Anyone who may possibly be of help, understanding or support to the main Scapegoat are usually deceased by the time the Scapegoat fully awakens to the abuse.
If they are sadistic, it is worse that demonic possession. Sadists own evil nature makes them enjoy to inflict pain and to see others in pain. The only cure for a sadist is death!
It's odd that they do sound possessed. Just left Narsisters house. I'm already being mocked about my choice of Christmas presents. Then they'll be rejected later and placed by the front door. Bullying and moçking is all she does. But shes the favorite. Self centered sociopath is basically her vibe.
Narcisism is demonic because sin gives legal rights to demons and it depends to which extent. The only way out is deliverance, surrender and consecration.
This hit it out of the ballpark for me. I was the "Golden Child" who did everything to take the eyes off the other children, and the disappointments. I never created waves, and always sucked it up when it came to my own disappointments. I was the one that always went the extra million miles to make everything seem "normal". It wasn't until after my Mom died, and I had a total breakdown, that I started on this journey to make my life about me. It has been an uphill struggle, and my relationships with my siblings have gone south. You describe me to a tee. The good news is that I am at a place now, where I have slowly thrown off the shackles of guilt, and the responsibility for the children I did not bear. At 62, I am finally living my life for me, and learning to let go of guilt that was never mine to begin with. Thank you for clearing some things up for me. Being the "Golden Child" was a burden that I wish on no one. I will definitely listen to this several more times. :)
I'm 57, and I think I was the Golden Child, middle of three. My older brother has been a narcissistic, obstinate, oppositional bully for my whole life. He sexually abused me for a time when I was an adolescent, and was emotionally and physically abusive to both me and our younger brother until he finally, finally left the family home (after flunking out of college and flopping at home for most of a year) by joining the Army. This decision caused our mother great distress for reasons that have now become very clear. Like you, I spent my childhood and adolescence obeying the rules, getting good grades, getting lots of attention for musical and academic accomplishments, etc. Looking back, I was always trying to avoid being viewed as anything like my older brother, by teachers, family friends, or relatives. At some point, after Dad died, older brother annointed himself Mom's "protector and defender" from perils that exist completely in his imagination. At some point, he has decided that many people,, including me, are perils for Mom. For example, when Mom put the family home on the market, my husband and I wanted to purchase and remodel it so that it could continue to be the gathering spot for my extended family's holiday gatherings, etc. We spent weeks visiting the property with an architect and builder to be sure the 1960's ranch-style house could be renovated and updated within our budget. We then hired and appraiser recommended by a neighbor, had the property appraised and all hell broke loose. I dropped the appraisal off with Mom in an envelope; we didn't open it up or discuss it during that visit. I assumed she would contact us after she looked it over and got her own appraisal and we could discuss the sales price. Several days later, I got a stinging email from older brother accusing us of exploiting Mom, low-balling her on the purchase price (we never got to the stage of making an offer) and generally stringing her along so that she wouldn't be able to market the house. I was so shocked and hurt, it took me several days to respond. Mom never said anything. To this day, I don't know whether she ever saw the email he sent me on her behalf, but it took me years & years to figure out that she had to have shown him the appraisal and discussed it with him because it was in the original envelope when I left it with her. Over several days I came to understand that the house could never be what I'd planned: the location of happy family get-togethers because the happy family didn't exist. We visited Mom and told her that renovating the house was out of our budget and to go ahead and sell it to someone else. She sold it for less than $5,000 over what our appraisal said it was worth to a couple who demolished the house where we'd grown up and my father died to build a completely new house in a different area on the property. This was completely predictable because the house was in poor condition and not positioned well on the land. She, however, is still hurt and offended by the fact the house was demolished and mentions it to me several times a year. Ironically, we'd have paid the slightly higher price, but we never even discussed price with her. My older brother ruined any prospect of keeping the house in the family for all of us. The extra $5,000 must have meant a lot to him, I guess. I'm skipping years and years of interactions, both good and bad, but what has become plain to me is that I've become the scapegoat, the reason for all unhappiness and unrest in the family. Mom has become hostile to me and my family, covertly most of the time and openly anytime she has to be in the same place as both me and older brother. He can do no wrong, is entitled to all benefit of the doubt, and I'm "too sensitive" and "unreasonable" for refusing to accept, for example, being completely excluded from the annual family vacation. It just "happened" and she's not really sure how she managed to plan the dates, coordinate and secure flights and lodging reservations for both my brothers and their families, but only mention "the only family vacation of the year" to me 8 days before they all left. I realize now that I have to accept what's obviously been true for decades: I'm "out", and no amount of hosting or attending family get-togethers, sending birthday and new baby gifts, etc. will ever bring me back "in", even though Mom acts as though she enjoys my company, one-on-one. I've noticed that she only invites me to other family events if extended family is involved. Probably to preserve the "one big, happy family" image. I really, really need to learn to incorporate the fact that I'm "out" without feeling guilt, shame or responsibility but am not sure how to do it. Mom's 85 and I need to be able to check on her, call her, etc but I often feel conflicted and resentful, given my "out" status, and how careful I have to be not to share anything personal with her. It is the shallowness, most superficial relationship I have and it makes me sad. I was really, really attached to the illusion.
You are so welcome! Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my TH-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my TH-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
Both of my parents are narcissists. They were the Golden Children in their families. My brother is the Golden child and now, he too is turning into a Narc. It is so insidious. This is awful! I was the SG and have been NC for 3 years. Wow, such insight after you get away from the hornets nest. This video was very helpful. Thank you.
I think I was the mascot. My oldest sibling became schizophrenic and I became an addict and alcoholic. One of my sisters has trichotillomania and my youngest brother who is 17 is angry and a over eater. I am 4 years clean and sober and have learned to turn my burdens over to Jesus and to take it to the cross in prayer.
I was the golden child (in comparison to my scapegoat brother). But then, I would become the scapegoat as well, horribly mistreated by my father and mother. I have had depression for years, trichotillomania as well, eating disorders, avoidance.. and my brother has schizophrenia. I thought my dad was the main toxic parent, but my mom has shown lack of empathy and cruelty as well.
@@Julei_ yes, the roles can switch. Whoever challenges the narc parent becomes the scapegoat. Then the narc triangulates between the new golden child and new scapegoat. It keeps things complicated, and the children trauma bonded.
This is the strange part about having lots of siblings I am realizing I was originally the golden child and then became the scapegoat. Randomly my parents would switch the roles.
My sister is the golden child, every success I have as the scapegoat, she tries to do it too. I really think she tries to cancel my existence bc I think my parents compare us.
Very true! I am the scapegoat of the family, but the only one who is free, and do what I want doesn't matter if my family agree or not, if fact I never care about their opinion about me , I realized the disfuncional family I was born in since very young, soon I grasp that doesn't matter what I try to fix it they will never change, so i live my life to the fullest , I do the projects that I love and even they give their bad comments about it (that I never asked for) I keep firm to myself. My youngest brother it's the golden child and he is a people pleaser, always trying to meet people's expectations about him...
I'm in my late 60's and you nailed this! I left home at 16. I often walked to school and in the winter months, I didn't mind. If I was driven to school, it was uncomfortable. I was always reminded how I should appreciate things. My parents argued and as the oldest child, I remember the roughest years. The belt was used and once my father had shoved me so hard I fell down the stairs and he showed no concern. My hand felt numb and my mother took me for a drive to get ice cream. I still remember that, after all these years. When I tried to tell my guidance counselor at school and even went to a priest, nothing mattered or was going to change it. My parents were outwardly nice and they were nice to other people. They did have some good qualities, they were just taking their anger out on me. My sister was given the car to take to school. I saw that after I was on my own, as a teenager. It was obvious that they found she did everything right. She would argue and be quite a bully, but I didn't want anything to do with that. She was conceited and confident. I just wanted a peaceful life. The youngest, my brother was befriended by my father and they loved sports. He was quiet growing up. Years later, my mother was the remaining elderly parent, who spent her last few years in the nursing home, due to a stroke. She passed away and my sister was living in the house we all grew up in. I had been in the service, married and ended up a few states away. I found out my sister sold the home and my brother's family and my sister then moved to Florida. I never knew they sold the house until someone told me. I thought it best to go no contact - although, we were already no contact anyhow. I made certain I always called my mother every day & drove up to visit her, but stayed in a hotel, even though the family house my sister lived in, was minutes away. I called the funeral home when my mother passed and they told me my mother's cremation hadn't been paid for. I was not included or notified by my siblings on any plans. The lady at the funeral home told me she thought something was going on that was unfair to me, but she had to tell me they hadn't paid for the services. I paid for it in full and told the funeral lady, I appreciated her help. My siblings never said thank you or even acknowledged that I paid for it. Talk about how strange it can get! To think I grew up in the same house. Just recently, after several years, my sister called and I tried to talk. It's as if I simply am not allowed to ask why they felt entitled to hijack the estate. It's just the term used, when siblings leave others out. I have concluded that some people are not mature or emotionally ready to handle children, especially if they can't even get along with each other. I always am happy for people who have love in their family and appreciate each other. I have spent my later years realizing, I was not treated fairly or truly loved, in an unconditional way. It's important for the skapegoat to get therapy, if they need it and have a self-care routine. People who are abusive or toxic must not be allowed to carry on the tradition of abuse. For me, no contact is the safest and healthiest way to deal with it.
That's what my mother did to my brother and I. She's doing great. She destroyed our family but she has exactly the life she wants. I realized one day that while I thought the unhappiness that surrounds us was sad for her too, oh no, unhappiness is success for her. She is happy when unhappiness has been created.
Omg that is my mother too, my brother is the gc, I am the sg, she's at her happiest in the middle of drama that she herself created, whilst throwing it off onto others...such a mind f#$k
My brother destroyed himself by becoming a very aggressive form of her, (dunno if that's what the call an overt narcissist). His behavior was not hidden like hers is. As unfair and horrid my mother has been to me, ultimately, she did my brother no favors. In fact, I don't like these terms "golden child" and "scapegoat". I don't see myself as a scapegoat or evil she did as "golden" for anyone. But mindf#$k is accurate.
I was the golden child in my family and I could relate to every single word in this video. Thank you for helping me understand why I’m suffering although I had a ‘perfect childhood’
The tolerance for others disappointment really hit home. I told my sister that i felt emotionally abandoned by her as i seeked her support in my extreme abuse (being the SG) and she completely deflected and even got mad at me. It even looked like narcissistic rage, screaming and crying.
Thank you for making this video. I was the golden child. There is not a lot of info out there for recovery as a golden child. I really resonated with so much of what you said especially the desire to be loved and accepted for who I am. I am struggling so much with that.
Glad it was helpful! Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my TH-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my TH-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information. Also, I have another workshop coming up in April, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now for early bird price I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
This was such a helpful video and I agree! Not a lot of resources out there for the recovery of a golden child… when they hit their low, for instance, how to then establish a real sense of self. To be honest, I’m at a loss. Its like I had a framework that achieving a good image lead to-> acclaim-> pride-> true happiness and now I don’t know how to be or feel if everything’s not about achieving the image desired by the family. Requesting more recovery identity building videos:)!! Thank you. Especially how to cope with your family’s refusal to accept you if you don’t do what they want- like you always have done.
Im the GC. Every time i try to start something for myself, discover myself, i get push back from my family by shaming me and calling me names. Ive decided to keep my life extremely private and I love being alone. It does get lonely because I feel like I have no support and my family blamed all their personal issues on me because I was the GC (so I was treated better, which is utter bullshit). Its so exhausting and Ive been depressed and suicidal for almost 20 years. Ive been to extensive therapy. That and distance from the constant critisism has brought me peace of mind, finally. Now I can finally explore myself and get rid of the shame and guilt for chosing my own path. I am doing so much better today and even for healing myself I have gotten anger and jealousy from my mother and sister. Am so done with feeling guilty for healing myself.
I’m so happy for your recovery and healing process. “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Im suffering the same things you have wrote and it's getting at me day by day ....it was even better when i was young but nowadays i see suicide as the answer but deep down i know im stronger than that...im confused,im tired of being the golden child tbh😭 this trauma been affecting my relationships coz im emotionally damaged
I’m there with you brother, hang in there…it’s two steps forward and 1 step back, almost every hour. I keep watching videos like this to keep on top of objectivity. If you were GC like me, it is so easy to fall prey to old habits and sometimes exciting. You CAN change the molecules in your brain bro, just keep at it!
As a recovering scapegoat, it is good to hear the contrast of the golden child. It just seems inverted but we all serve the same dysfunctional system. I'm still unsure which of my two brothers was the golden child and I think that can switch just as the scapegoat at times. I think my middle aged brother alternated, so I'm unsure which role this would be.
I feel your pain. I was an invisible child at times and then golden child. I get confused on what roles my brothers/I played because our roles did switch up at different points in our childhood. I feel like the more I go through my healing the more I am remembering. Sometimes it is revealed in dreams for me because I've buried so many memories.
This IS just like how you describe 😮.. Myself the scapegoat, I told my Golden Child sister, how we viewed life differently! She was hell bent of trying to convince me how wonderful our childhood was!
My sister, the Golden Child and myself the scapegoat, have FINALLY become close and frankly fell INTO each other only since our Mother's death in 2021. It is sad, but it is also freeing and wonderful that we know and love each other at last. Thank you ❤😊
I mourn the childhood I could have had. The years wasted in forced rivalry with my sister. Now we are closer than ever, and are actively detaching from the dysfunctional systems we were raised in. I was totally on the path to become like my narcissistic parents. I only was able to change when my sister, the scapegoat, was in dire need and I stepped up. It allowed me to see how my parents had failed her, and over time how they had also failed me. I grieve for the over 20 years that we could have been close friends. But I’m thankful beyond words for what we have now.
I love reading this. Narcissistic parents seem to want us to feel empty like they do. You’d think they’d want better for their children. It’s so heartwarming to see you and your sibling figured it out and came out stronger together on the other side.
My sister sounds like a Goldenchild but at the same time all burden is on her and I'm always left alone with problems, but she is in denial and the families problems are Nr.1 in her world. It's definitely like her personality and she doesn't want to break free, she never says no but always comes to me to make me feel bad for not being a doormat like she is.
The golden child can sometimes be the ultimate enabler. My refusal to enable our mom pitted me against my sister for years because she was so enmeshed with our mother. She’s still far closer to the woman that scapegoated me than I’ll ever be, but she’s starting to wake up to why I rejected most of what our mother tried to put on me. Some golden children never wake up and never become their true selves.
Golden child turned truth teller/scapegoat after i realized that no matter how perfect i am it will never be enough because perfection in itself is seen as a threat to my narcissist family.
C-PTSD best describes my neurosis ~ Problem arises from sorting out between my Autism and Narcistic family history. Autism is core defining my person type: little interest in others obsessive plus ever-present sensory issues even at 79, but my psychological problems or feelings of self have been orchestrated by both narcissistic hard core alcoholics father/brother w mom's wholehearted enabling, narcissism = my interpersonal "flinching" withdrawal! Years of introspection has brought back images, remembrances of brother manipulating or triangulating within family, put downs physical abuse, then parents enacting rule "no tattletale!!" making five years older golden boy brother in control, which he never gave up, no contact is my solution in total ~
Yes yes yes! I am almost 40 now and have spent the past 5 years trying to unpack all this stuff. My scapegoat sister brought the narcissist label to my attention to help me understand our father. Thank you for sharing more info on how the golden child was affected. You touch on so many great points here. Learning how to allow others to feel disappointed is so hard. I simply could not bare it. I’m finally understanding why. Identifying my own feelings has been quite the challenge as well. Anyone else a Fawn/Freeze?
Jerry as far a family dysfunction goes, you're my go to person. Even when I don't understand something the first time, when it finally clicks and I come back to your content I always leave feeling so enlightened and better about myself
...so have you graduated? LOL “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families! Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop Scholarships are available write to Jerry Wise at jerrywise5@gmail.com www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
And looking at the treatment the golden child receives the scapegoat feels abandoned and undeserving of good things. And it becomes so normal and natural for the scapegoat everywhere in life they get uneasy when treated with goodness or properly in certain situations like it’s not normal.
After learning this Jerry, I have literally "fired" myself as golden child and refuse to go along with parents dysfunctional idea mindset that makes no sense. I stay confused and self differentiate. Parents confusingly tell family they need to come to the reunion because I will be there? Its too weird to me and dysfunctional.
I get that feeling, often when my mum sets up these situations and I pick up that she's excited she can show me off, I often think :"What do I have to do, jump up and down and entertain everybody?" It's creepy and I've also started refusing to be the performing monkey. It took a few decades to see it all, but I have peculiar memories like my brother staring at me in these functions like he was thinking: "How does she do that?" Poor guy was scapegoated and clearly told that he wasn't doing it right so many times. Well, I know what they want, but I now also refuse haha, perhaps in allegiance to my brother.
I am the scapegoat and always have been. My brother is the golden child and is becoming just like our narc mother. My sister was able to shut her out of her life and I am trying to do the same. I am so ever this effed up toxic family dynamic. Thank you for your videos Jerry!
Thank you !!! ❤❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏 on point for me.. so validating I love that trouble making is simply to not comply.. I’m 45 years old learning to accept disappointing others.. thank you this is very healing to hear especially this week ❤❤❤
Oh my gosh! Even at a young age I used to think Sis can Do No Wrong. I used to think of her as the Lucky Scapegoat. Golden Victim fits, too. Thank you for seeing me, Jerry.
Your trouble Jerry describing not being able to finish the thesis, totally hit home for me...I tend to get caught up in the details and get bogged down in my work. My boss told me to stop it, but at that time I thought he was mean for criticizing me and I just got defensive 🙈 ugh...I was trying to make my work PERFECT...SMH...meanwhile, people around me were doing a mediocre job and brought home the exact same paycheck! You're helping me see the deeper issue here...🤔 Thank you Jerry for sharing your personal struggle from your past...it was very relatable to me.
My narc golden child sister used to say to me with self-adoration "I've got green eyes!" (It is the reason why she is "superior"). I send her congratulations till nowadays. Thank You!!:))!!
I am the 'scapegoat' and one of my brothers is the 'golden child' since early childhood. We got along 'ok'. He ended up very sick with a severe acute onset of an autoimmune disorder when he was 21. Been sick with it and not able to work for the past 25 years. Now one of his only 'jobs' is to make sure my parents feel attended to and like good people
This is so exactly spot on, I am the scapegoat, my sister was the Golden child. I am the last person alive in my family, still trying to understand all the confusion. This video makes so much sense.
Edit: thank you so much for your work Dr. Wise- it is changing lives and helping humanity. Our family was a textbook NPD dysfunctional family in every conceivable way. You could plug our names into the manual. We had the head narc father, the enabling and abused Mom, a GC (first lieutenant and henchman to the head narc), a primary goat, 2 lost children, a mascot and a secondary goat when the primary wasn’t accessible to pommel, ravage and feed off of. We relatively recently had an epiphany when the “Big two” just couldn’t stop themselves from their never-ending ways of treachery and devilish abusive behavior. They pushed too far and caused the rest of us to do a deep dive when it could no longer be tolerated. Their worst fears have come true and we have ruined their life’s work which was to fool EVERYONE and keep us blinded to their sick cult. Their ultimate weapon of choice is to rely on your unending loyalty and belief that they love you. The loyalty is one way and THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU..THEY DON’T POSSESS THE ABILITY TO LOVE. Allowing ourselves to face this harsh fact (that no human being wants to face) was the key to our awakening. We figured it all out and brought the whole house of cards crashing down. We attempted as best we could to go gently but let it be known that their abuse would no longer be tolerated. That doesn’t work because they are BLAMELESS VICTIMS in their own false minds. They are black and white-thinking cyborgs..they are good, you are bad, end of discussion. But it had to be done. They will no longer be allowed to vampire off of us for their “fix”. Tip- NEVER, EVER trust the GC, they are committed 100% to the lie. They will do anything and I mean anything to maintain their lofty golden status. They are without a doubt the most damaged of all of the victims. If you are the scapegoat, be glad that they did not succeed in making you into them Which is literally a shell of a human being devoid of any empathy or genuine identity. Your crucifixion is their resurrection. Your pain is their pleasure. Your damnation is their absolution. I would suggest Jerry Wise, Sam Vaknin, and Dr. Ramani’s channels. All are terrific experts in the field.
Hey, I was a GC and felt a need to defend some of us. It is a role we didn't choose and it's dehumanizing. My identity is under-developed, but I am not a shell of a human being and I am very empathic (even too much, as my other role was a caregiver). My sister is my best friend and she was a scapegoat. We had very different traumatic experiences, but it didn't separate us. Her pain is my pain too, she is my little sister. Some of us GC are aware we are not being loved for who we are, that we can never achieve the perfection parents are asking for. It is like having a promise of love, but superficial and empty love of your achievements and not yourself.
@@wavy6470 It sounds like you emerged with your empathy intact. That is great. The most tragic outcomes is when the gc does become full narc and does lose their empathy. They don’t have real relationships with any depth. Everyone gets robbed all the way around including the golden child. When a golden child becomes stripped of all conscience, that is the worst tragedy of all. It sounds like that did not happen to you and for that I am glad.
It's funny you say textbook because I have seen a few movies where the toxic family has a military dad and a people pleaser codependent mom even in the wonder years I remember the mom was ridiculously pleasant and the dad was really negative
@@reesedaniel5835 I can't stand passive aggressive and two faced people because I need to know where they stand and where I stand it's like I'm hyper vigilant and they send my survival response system into chaos mode lol
My dad just died and my covert narc mother has all but abandoned me. She has given my golden sister everything and even held a memorial with my sister and left me out. When I call her on this and ask why she hates me she is silent. She yells at me to get along with my sister, but purposely does things to make us hate each other.
My G.C. sister constantly caused trouble, but only to me. Any time we were left alone in a room together, she would go running out crying that I had done or said something mean to her. I'd get punished because no one believed that I hadn't done what she said I did. Sometimes it was at big get-togethers, so it was not just mean. It was also humiliating. As an adult, if we were going to be the only ones left in a room, I would follow the last other person out, just leaving her. I wish I'd figured out to do that sooner! She is full blown narc now. Maybe she always was.
I think golden children are the echo of their narcissistic parents. They have to agree with everything their parents say, right down to food choices and musical tastes. No divergence is allowed. They are in chains as much as anybody, but those chains are golden, so they won't see them. If the scapegoat leaves, the golden child is in danger of becoming the new scapegoat. Being anywhere near a narcissist is always damaging.
I feel so blessed to be the mediocre in the life of this golden child. This education has given me a reflective aspect of being open minded towards my fellow human being. My thoughts of forgiveness is expressed towards this person and May God richly bless him with a healthy mindset to accomplish his goals. Blessings to you for this beautiful words of wisdom. God bkess❤.
I've been an only AND a golden child. I remember my childhood as really beautiful. My teenage years felt more and more like being trapped in a cage. My parents were emotionally dependend on me, so I was not really allowed to have friends or to focus my energy on anything other than school. Neither was I allowed to have my own opinion nor to go anywhere without saying. Phrases like "People without children are sooo poor" or "Without you our lives would just be senseless" can sound like a lifelong sentence. It was so unbearable that from the age of 17 all I wanted was to be dead. To most of my therapists I was just the spoilt only child whose major problem it was that my parents had offered me too much comfort. In their opinion I was just not used to try hard, that's why I didn't make any progress. I don't know if most therapists have a good idea of what emotional abuse is. If yes, they are pretty good at not showing it...
That is enmeshment, codependency, emotional incest in addition to what you explained. Parents that have children so that they dont feel lost and lonely put such a burden on their child because they make the child feel guilty for growing up and wanting their own life and family. Kids shouldn't be life support...those parents need to heal instead of transferring their issues onto kids that they claim they love. Love isn't supposed to feel suffocating.
“It’s ok to be mediocre…” still working on that. And dealing with the feelings that come up when I don’t meet other’s expectations…. “We were asked to shoulder the hopes and longings of our caregivers…” My job was to make up for all the failings of my siblings…
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Thank you. I'm the scapegoat and have done a lot of work on that. My only sibling was the golden child, and he self-less and I never knew how to talk to him about our past. He has seen my improved life. I hope he will watch this post and somehow get some life improvement too. I hate to see him hurting.
i have been scapegoat sometimes but mostly golden child or should i say when ever its convenient for my parents to role manipulate. which has created for me a fantasy bond attachment trauma style relationship. ive hit rock bottom now. painful talk to hear but resonate. your videos give me hope and a sense of healing work. much appreciated.
My golden child brother turned out to be a completely arrogant narcissist himself. He's never 'failed' at anything, if you don't believe it just ask him. I graduated Magna Cum Laude from the same major university, yet I'll never measure up to him. A large part of our family's problem is that he completely buys the lie of his superiority.
@@mrknoklene My mother tried and kept trying to turn me into the Golden Child but I ket refusing the superiority delusion. The SC are mostly empaths and truth tellers. They can see through the manipulation even though they don't understand what's going on. She would triangulate trying to put me against ny brothers and I'd tell her from a very young age that we are family ,she shouldn't be putting one child against another . Or she would bring some false narrative against someone ,and I'd stand by the other person,she would say But I'm your mother!To which I'd respond -But you are wrong. From early childhood she understood I was the Truth Teller and no matter how she tried to mold me into the golden child she couldn't. She even admited one day,with that narc smirk ,I dont remeber the exact words,but she confessed she tried to assign to me the golden child role. I'm proud to earn the title of Black Sheep . I didn't receive it. I earned it.
I am so overwhelmed by the amount of information that I have received while listening to your videos. My whole life has been unpacked in a very short short period. I am so greatfull but I also feel somehow constipated. If you know my meaning. You and your fellow youtubers have so much valuable content that has helped me understand where I come from. I have been in therapy many times with different therapists, but I seem to be wiser, obviously. Many times, I have been a pain in the ....!! Because I know and understand so much about the dynamics. I am becoming a therapist myself shy of the last year. Thank you so much for doing this for us out here. Sincerely The golden child, aka the scapegoat
Golden child here. I wish I was aware of this in my youth, maybe then my life would have taken a different path. But alas our whole family needed therapy then and even with both parents dead, we kids still do. But I can only move forward, I cannot change the past. God helps and heals me now. And videos like this. Thank you so much.
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My sister was and is the Golden Child and she became a narcissist of the worse kind. She is still trying to ruin others lives. What are people talking about when they say the Golden child is a vitamin?
There are no winners in a narcissistic family
I sure damn agree with you.
I mean, the rest of the family gets salary from a family biz that I helped build as an unpaid 13-year old (ugh, I hate needing to say this, but I'll put it in fate's hands, so umm, lawyers get at me? I know, random, but what if it worked?!)
Btw, tell me a state, & I'll tell you if unpaid, teenage labor built the backbone of your modern internet capabilities
That’s sounds like yah should’ve ran away and never looked back shit where was child protective services at ????
Circus don't have winners . Just the ring master & enslaved animals
@@nftawes2787It's a way of exhausting you to the core of ur existance. You'll end up sick. Just f*ck the money. Start living on ur own-& cut off from em. Life can be started from scratch when ur mind n body are still working fine. I've done this mistake. Trust me. They gave me the share I rightfully had. And then? I am in fear . Every person I meet on a daily person is a predator sent by em. I've begged em to take it away n let me go. But I feel the war has just begun. And I am struggling to stand up on my own. Living with a ticking bomb in my brain as cancer. Kindly understand. They are not human. Prioritise ur physical n mental health. God bless
I am the golden child. It has ruined me. I lived a life not of my own choosing. Now, I feel incredibly alone. I feel lost.
Same here. I did everything my parents wanted and now I also feel incredibly alone. It’s difficult to find support as a golden child.
Its hard to see the choices, but they are there , im a surviving GC but i will heal my fractured identity 🧐
You are not alone 🤗
Same here
@Mary Carroll ..he can't figure out who he is either
Wow. My brother tried to warn me so many times about how bad our family was, but I didn't listen. I just thought HE was the problem. Years after my brother's death, I suddenly woke up to the fact that I had lived my life around my parents' wishes, and I had no idea who I was. I went NC so I could deal with my trauma and learn to grow up.
1st, I'm very sorry for the passing of your bro ❤ 2nd, I have often wondered myself if my older bro and younger sistr would ever stop blaming me for all of it, if I were to die before them.. or, would they always and forever see me as the defiant and problem seeker..
I'm sorry about your brother. You thought HE WAS THE PROBLEM because your narc family told you so. You should have stuck up for him
Mine almost died in a motorcycle accident to please Dad.
Same. My late brother would say, as a teen..,'he doesn't have our best interests at heart'..and 'I don't look to Dad 4 GUIDANCE-!....as an adult, Chris would day, he never felt he was part of the family... He was ignored and it later turned out he was Schizophrenic..to his detriment..I always looked out for my 'baby brother' he looked up to me...❤
My sister was the GC, but we do not get along, both in our 60's now 😮 I now have discovered she is a flaming Narc
"You can be mediocre and still loved" needed to hear that for 40 years. Thank you
❤️❤️❤️
Amen, to that.
Yes!! My mom used to love bomb me when she was manipulating me. Otherwise I was a monster to her
Same here.
Same! I knew it deep down all the years though, it's just so hard to make it happen against this shadow created over you. Great, great Video!
I am a scapegoat in the family because I fucking hate bullshit.
Exactly called it out by running away finally got away for good at 12, nobody believed me because I had such wonderful parents 🙄 the alcoholic and narcissist I was the only adult
This 👌🏼
Love your comment. Scapegoated hater of bullshit here too
Same. Scapegoat here as well. And also hated the bullshit. Did you know that scapegoats are called the "Truthtellers" in the family!!
we are chosen as the scapegoat because we see their BS, not because we create trouble
Narcissistic parents divide and conquer
Ex golden child here! now turned empath...
Narcs put you into these subcategories without your knowledge, but I unplugged myself from the shenanigans once I started speaking my truths, setting boundaries and seeking accountability from everything toxic and dysfunctional. They need to get it together or get to moving. I'm not tolerating the bull any longer. I'm not afraid to live life without them.
My golden sibling-Sisterzilla is vicious and appears quite happy in her land of make believe. ZERO compassion or understanding unless it’s a facade in front of others. A VERY Mean human being who can con most people. I’m the scapegoat currently finding my power authenticity Love & Compassion without allowing abuse anymore 💪
Mine became a narcissist. I went NC with her over a decade ago.
@@TheChosenOne2222 one things i am in agreement with you, earth is shit for everybody. no family here too, just look a like, i am fine too now, hope is here...maybe good exist after all, not here, not there, but somewhere! big hug
Welcome to the Club..one day she'll get her's..trust me. It happens to the WORST of us!!
You described my golden child sister. And the other 3 siblings.
I love not having anything to do with them or there generational unappreciative children.
Siszilla! I love it. I have one of those. Oh, no. They say she's got to go! Go, go Siszilla!
It's super hard when you're the only child, and they project all the roles onto you
Yup.... I was both the only child and the only grandchild (on mom's side) until I was 11... When I was good (especially when I got good grades, which was incredibly difficult due to undiagnosed ADHD and also valued and prioritized above everything else, including my mental and physical health ), I was praised and figuratively placed on that high, shining pedestal.
The instant I made any kind of mistake (even innocent, unintended ones), I was dashed off that pedestal into figurative dirt....i was screamed at, belittled, made to feel guilty about said mistake, and left alone to cry it out with little to no comfort and ZERO validation.
What's creepy is my aunt and uncle would tease me and call me "golden child" when I was growing up
@@kaymck225 ❤🩹I am sorry. I had all As in primary school years, skipped one grade completely, and excelled at violin playing. Later on I realized that my brother resented me for the attention all this brought. He didn't seem to realize that none of it felt good. I would have loved some love and attention from my parents for being nobody special at all, you know if they just cared how any of this achievement felt to a child would have been nice. But they didn't. To this day they will lament that I had so much talent, but the "wrong" personality. Charming. I cannot imagine speaking to my boy like that, thank goodness.
Tell me about it
@@kaymck225 Sounds familiar, I grew up with a brother but both parents gave us different roles, so I was both sg and gc depending on the parent and the circumstance, and it resulted in utter confusion ofc, a total mess. I can laugh about it now, humor is a good healer.
I'm the Golden child and my favorite brother is the scapegoat. Before I started learning about toxic family roles, we were always at eachother throats. I recognized what was happening in my family and realized the pain he was going through. After that I learned to help him and talk through the problems we have dealt with. He's a trouble maker but he is my favorite person in the world and I'm glad that he's learning how to deal with our family.
Is he the only one who has to learn to deal with our family?? I think not! I have heard it is the golden child who is harmed most. The golden child never individuates, they never develop their own sense of self within the narc dynamic, and, of course, the world has no idea they’re golden.
@@jeanarnone3184 What do you mean by "our" family?
@@jeanarnone3184 I think everyone in a toxic house learns to deal in their own ways, especially when there's no instruction from guardians. There's a few different roles a child can play like an invisible child or comic relief. All will struggle coming from that environment.
The golden child can realize how bad the environment is and change but that's if they don't become narcissistic. It does cause a lot of mental issues, depression, anxiety, low self esteem, imposter syndrome, ect.
I've tend to see the scape goat getting more of the verbal and physical abuse and the golden child having more physiological abuse. I have struggled a lot to develop my own sense of self and setting boundaries. Learning about the cycle of abuse and being aware was the only way I was able to develop.
Weird. I'm the scapegoat but I was the only one to graduate high school and college and my college was paid in full by my parents. My golden child siblings were the ones in and out of jail, hs dropouts, on drvgs, in a gang, runaway, etc. But they were "the good ones" "because at least they say 'Yes, ma'am/No ma'am to me!' " I think college, music academy, etc. were paid for because of my daddy. If my narc mom had the choice, I wouldn't have gotten any of it. She definitely loved gloating about my talents to ppl while also abusing me behind closed doors.
Typical GOLDEN CHILD response to paint the scapegoated sibling as problematic 🙄 just as their narc parents do
The worse was pitting us against eachother, it will take a lot of time to heal. If we hadn't had these roles put upon us, we would have been very close. Former Golden Child.
Sorry to hear this Jess
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The Illusions of the Narcissist
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Living in the War Zone
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10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
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My sisters and I were treated the same pitted against each other, i'm the only one in the family that's awake to what's happening. I'm 55, have spent the last 30 years estranged from my sisters thanks to our narcissistic parents. I was 47 when I was awakened, its been a very hard road but I finally got out only for my 32 year old daughter to contact my father to hurt me, she's a narcissist too, its just an on going cycle of abuse , hurt and betrayal. My daughter's father is a narcissist so im not surprised she is doing what she does and oneday I'll go no contact with her, I've tried over the years but it's not easy when there's grandchildren involved, but from my experience you can't stay in there with them. I'm not close with my son either as he's an alcoholic/addict, I am too but have 16 years Sobriety so we don't see much of each other. It's a very lonely life, but I don't think we have a choice because the older I get the less I can be around narcissist, I get physically and mentally ill.
@@tinkingtinking2134 Yes, the NC life is very lonely. I was turned into a codependent and had a narcissist sister. My family is jacked up.
I am Irish, with 3 brothers, one sister. I am the oldest. My oldest brother was the golden child. My sister was the scapegoat. My mother told me that I was treated well because I was born with toxoplasmosis, an eye condition, which she thought she was to blame for getting pregnant before she married dad. My brother is still a nightmare. Entitled and condescending. My other brothers still feel inferior to him. My poor poor sister is alcohol dependant with no life. Keep well people.
So sad😢.I was the scapegoat of my mother
❤🩹
The golden child in my family was sent to approved school, then prison, the ‘good’ children were discarded. Bullies stick together is my experience of narcissists
Dogs hang out with dogs because no one else will hang out with em
@@6yimi663 hahaha
Sorry I don’t have the financial means for anything that costs which is why I appreciate so much the free content on TH-cam
These family dynamics sent a lot of relatives to a premature death. I had to run away to get well. I was sick all the time back when. Today I never get sick.
All the non-narcs die early deaths in these families I've noticed. Anyone who may possibly be of help, understanding or support to the main Scapegoat are usually deceased by the time the Scapegoat fully awakens to the abuse.
@@reesedaniel5835 it is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the living god.
So happy for your having had your immune system high again.❤
This is why my brother is so exasperated with me. He grew up in a different family.
Golden Child in our family has multiple disorders, including no compassion.
My siblings are sadistic. I don't believe therapy would help with demonic possession. I love your videos. Thank you 💜
THIS. Because a lot of it is rooted in spiritual foundations and demonic strongholds
If they are sadistic, it is worse that demonic possession. Sadists own evil nature makes them enjoy to inflict pain and to see others in pain. The only cure for a sadist is death!
It's odd that they do sound possessed. Just left Narsisters house. I'm already being mocked about my choice of Christmas presents. Then they'll be rejected later and placed by the front door. Bullying and moçking is all she does. But shes the favorite. Self centered sociopath is basically her vibe.
Narcisism is demonic because sin gives legal rights to demons and it depends to which extent. The only way out is deliverance, surrender and consecration.
This hit it out of the ballpark for me. I was the "Golden Child" who did everything to take the eyes off the other children, and the disappointments. I never created waves, and always sucked it up when it came to my own disappointments. I was the one that always went the extra million miles to make everything seem "normal". It wasn't until after my Mom died, and I had a total breakdown, that I started on this journey to make my life about me. It has been an uphill struggle, and my relationships with my siblings have gone south. You describe me to a tee. The good news is that I am at a place now, where I have slowly thrown off the shackles of guilt, and the responsibility for the children I did not bear. At 62, I am finally living my life for me, and learning to let go of guilt that was never mine to begin with. Thank you for clearing some things up for me. Being the "Golden Child" was a burden that I wish on no one. I will definitely listen to this several more times. :)
I'm 57, and I think I was the Golden Child, middle of three. My older brother has been a narcissistic, obstinate, oppositional bully for my whole life. He sexually abused me for a time when I was an adolescent, and was emotionally and physically abusive to both me and our younger brother until he finally, finally left the family home (after flunking out of college and flopping at home for most of a year) by joining the Army. This decision caused our mother great distress for reasons that have now become very clear. Like you, I spent my childhood and adolescence obeying the rules, getting good grades, getting lots of attention for musical and academic accomplishments, etc. Looking back, I was always trying to avoid being viewed as anything like my older brother, by teachers, family friends, or relatives. At some point, after Dad died, older brother annointed himself Mom's "protector and defender" from perils that exist completely in his imagination. At some point, he has decided that many people,, including me, are perils for Mom. For example, when Mom put the family home on the market, my husband and I wanted to purchase and remodel it so that it could continue to be the gathering spot for my extended family's holiday gatherings, etc. We spent weeks visiting the property with an architect and builder to be sure the 1960's ranch-style house could be renovated and updated within our budget. We then hired and appraiser recommended by a neighbor, had the property appraised and all hell broke loose. I dropped the appraisal off with Mom in an envelope; we didn't open it up or discuss it during that visit. I assumed she would contact us after she looked it over and got her own appraisal and we could discuss the sales price. Several days later, I got a stinging email from older brother accusing us of exploiting Mom, low-balling her on the purchase price (we never got to the stage of making an offer) and generally stringing her along so that she wouldn't be able to market the house. I was so shocked and hurt, it took me several days to respond. Mom never said anything. To this day, I don't know whether she ever saw the email he sent me on her behalf, but it took me years & years to figure out that she had to have shown him the appraisal and discussed it with him because it was in the original envelope when I left it with her.
Over several days I came to understand that the house could never be what I'd planned: the location of happy family get-togethers because the happy family didn't exist. We visited Mom and told her that renovating the house was out of our budget and to go ahead and sell it to someone else. She sold it for less than $5,000 over what our appraisal said it was worth to a couple who demolished the house where we'd grown up and my father died to build a completely new house in a different area on the property. This was completely predictable because the house was in poor condition and not positioned well on the land. She, however, is still hurt and offended by the fact the house was demolished and mentions it to me several times a year. Ironically, we'd have paid the slightly higher price, but we never even discussed price with her. My older brother ruined any prospect of keeping the house in the family for all of us. The extra $5,000 must have meant a lot to him, I guess.
I'm skipping years and years of interactions, both good and bad, but what has become plain to me is that I've become the scapegoat, the reason for all unhappiness and unrest in the family. Mom has become hostile to me and my family, covertly most of the time and openly anytime she has to be in the same place as both me and older brother. He can do no wrong, is entitled to all benefit of the doubt, and I'm "too sensitive" and "unreasonable" for refusing to accept, for example, being completely excluded from the annual family vacation. It just "happened" and she's not really sure how she managed to plan the dates, coordinate and secure flights and lodging reservations for both my brothers and their families, but only mention "the only family vacation of the year" to me 8 days before they all left.
I realize now that I have to accept what's obviously been true for decades: I'm "out", and no amount of hosting or attending family get-togethers, sending birthday and new baby gifts, etc. will ever bring me back "in", even though Mom acts as though she enjoys my company, one-on-one. I've noticed that she only invites me to other family events if extended family is involved. Probably to preserve the "one big, happy family" image. I really, really need to learn to incorporate the fact that I'm "out" without feeling guilt, shame or responsibility but am not sure how to do it. Mom's 85 and I need to be able to check on her, call her, etc but I often feel conflicted and resentful, given my "out" status, and how careful I have to be not to share anything personal with her. It is the shallowness, most superficial relationship I have and it makes me sad. I was really, really attached to the illusion.
Maja Kolonja Why are you here being discouraging in the middle of a support group?
@@jaala1759 Maja Kolalonja's just a common troll. Please don't feed the narcissist!
Eureka Garlic Ok thanks!
@Maja Kolonja You sound hurt and bitter
I was the scapegoat but my favorite sister was the golden child, thank you for helping me understand her better! 💖
You are so welcome!
Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my TH-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my TH-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information.
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“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
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Both of my parents are narcissists. They were the Golden Children in their families. My brother is the Golden child and now, he too is turning into a Narc. It is so insidious. This is awful! I was the SG and have been NC for 3 years. Wow, such insight after you get away from the hornets nest. This video was very helpful. Thank you.
I'm glad this video was helpful, you are very welcome ❤️
I appreciate not diagnosing all golden children as narcissists. I also appreciate highlighting things to work on. Well done!
I think I was the mascot. My oldest sibling became schizophrenic and I became an addict and alcoholic. One of my sisters has trichotillomania and my youngest brother who is 17 is angry and a over eater. I am 4 years clean and sober and have learned to turn my burdens over to Jesus and to take it to the cross in prayer.
Praise God for what he has done 😊
I was the golden child (in comparison to my scapegoat brother). But then, I would become the scapegoat as well, horribly mistreated by my father and mother. I have had depression for years, trichotillomania as well, eating disorders, avoidance.. and my brother has schizophrenia. I thought my dad was the main toxic parent, but my mom has shown lack of empathy and cruelty as well.
Good for you! Keep up the self care!
💜💜
@@Julei_ yes, the roles can switch. Whoever challenges the narc parent becomes the scapegoat. Then the narc triangulates between the new golden child and new scapegoat. It keeps things complicated, and the children trauma bonded.
We are not responsible for the the emotional responses of others. #nomanipulationhere #detach
Bless you. I now realise, 50 years late, they ONLY think in all good/ all bad. 😇 v 👿
I think I was a golden child that turned into a scapegoat in teenage years.
Same. My parents switched. My brother was considered a very bad kid because he stole baseball cards from Kmart when he was 5.
This is the strange part about having lots of siblings I am realizing I was originally the golden child and then became the scapegoat. Randomly my parents would switch the roles.
My golden child sibling is jealous and hateful of me ,an entitled malignant narc .I don't think we will get along ever.
My sister is the golden child, every success I have as the scapegoat, she tries to do it too. I really think she tries to cancel my existence bc I think my parents compare us.
As a healing and healed SG I don't see myself in a ugly cage I am in the freest cage compared to everyone in that family.
How did u heal?
I think cause the SG has it bad it’s easier to see the dysfunction than let’s say the GC.
Very true! I am the scapegoat of the family, but the only one who is free, and do what I want doesn't matter if my family agree or not, if fact I never care about their opinion about me , I realized the disfuncional family I was born in since very young, soon I grasp that doesn't matter what I try to fix it they will never change, so i live my life to the fullest , I do the projects that I love and even they give their bad comments about it (that I never asked for) I keep firm to myself. My youngest brother it's the golden child and he is a people pleaser, always trying to meet people's expectations about him...
I am a recovering scapegoat who recently landed my (high paying) dream job!
I'm in my late 60's and you nailed this!
I left home at 16. I often walked to school and in the winter months, I didn't mind. If I was driven to school, it was uncomfortable. I was always reminded how I should appreciate things. My parents argued and as the oldest child, I remember the roughest years. The belt was used and once my father had shoved me so hard I fell down the stairs and he showed no concern. My hand felt numb and my mother took me for a drive to get ice cream. I still remember that, after all these years. When I tried to tell my guidance counselor at school and even went to a priest, nothing mattered or was going to change it. My parents were outwardly nice and they were nice to other people. They did have some good qualities, they were just taking their anger out on me. My sister was given the car to take to school. I saw that after I was on my own, as a teenager.
It was obvious that they found she did everything right. She would argue and be quite a bully, but I didn't want anything to do with that. She was conceited and confident. I just wanted a peaceful life. The youngest, my brother was befriended by my father and they loved sports. He was quiet growing up.
Years later, my mother was the remaining elderly parent, who spent her last few years in the nursing home, due to a stroke. She passed away and my sister was living in the house we all grew up in. I had been in the service, married and ended up a few states away.
I found out my sister sold the home and my brother's family and my sister then moved to Florida. I never knew they sold the house until someone told me.
I thought it best to go no contact - although, we were already no contact anyhow. I made certain I always called my mother every day & drove up to visit her, but stayed in a hotel, even though the family house my sister lived in, was minutes away.
I called the funeral home when my mother passed and they told me my mother's cremation hadn't been paid for. I was not included or notified by my siblings on any plans. The lady at the funeral home told me she thought something was going on that was unfair to me, but she had to tell me they hadn't paid for the services. I paid for it in full and told the funeral lady, I appreciated her help. My siblings never said thank you or even acknowledged that I paid for it. Talk about how strange it can get! To think I grew up in the same house.
Just recently, after several years, my sister called and I tried to talk. It's as if I simply am not allowed to ask why they felt entitled to hijack the estate. It's just the term used, when siblings leave others out.
I have concluded that some people are not mature or emotionally ready to handle children, especially if they can't even get along with each other.
I always am happy for people who have love in their family and appreciate each other.
I have spent my later years realizing, I was not treated fairly or truly loved, in an unconditional way. It's important for the skapegoat to get therapy, if they need it and have a self-care routine. People who are abusive or toxic must not be allowed to carry on the tradition of abuse. For me, no contact is the safest and healthiest way to deal with it.
never too late to find peace, meaning and joy away from toxic family
I was the Golden Child, but it was an albatross that I was never strong enough to carry, and so I became The Dissapointment.
That's what my mother did to my brother and I. She's doing great. She destroyed our family but she has exactly the life she wants. I realized one day that while I thought the unhappiness that surrounds us was sad for her too, oh no, unhappiness is success for her. She is happy when unhappiness has been created.
Omg that is my mother too, my brother is the gc, I am the sg, she's at her happiest in the middle of drama that she herself created, whilst throwing it off onto others...such a mind f#$k
My brother destroyed himself by becoming a very aggressive form of her, (dunno if that's what the call an overt narcissist). His behavior was not hidden like hers is. As unfair and horrid my mother has been to me, ultimately, she did my brother no favors. In fact, I don't like these terms "golden child" and "scapegoat". I don't see myself as a scapegoat or evil she did as "golden" for anyone. But mindf#$k is accurate.
I was the golden child in my family and I could relate to every single word in this video. Thank you for helping me understand why I’m suffering although I had a ‘perfect childhood’
Your suffering? Golden children can f off
The tolerance for others disappointment really hit home. I told my sister that i felt emotionally abandoned by her as i seeked her support in my extreme abuse (being the SG) and she completely deflected and even got mad at me. It even looked like narcissistic rage, screaming and crying.
G
As a scapegoat, I will never feel sorry for the Golden Child.
I do. I feel sorry for the pathetic
It is easy to reject a hand that doesn't feed you.
@@BenOnuMuDiyorum Yes, but remember, a foot that doesn’t kick you is just another foot.
That sounds like a lot to carry.
You have no idea
Thank you for making this video. I was the golden child. There is not a lot of info out there for recovery as a golden child. I really resonated with so much of what you said especially the desire to be loved and accepted for who I am. I am struggling so much with that.
Glad it was helpful!
Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my TH-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my TH-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional helpful recovery information.
Also,
I have another workshop coming up in April, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
Sign up on website to get info on workshops
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop
Sign up now for early bird price
I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
This was such a helpful video and I agree! Not a lot of resources out there for the recovery of a golden child… when they hit their low, for instance, how to then establish a real sense of self. To be honest, I’m at a loss. Its like I had a framework that achieving a good image lead to-> acclaim-> pride-> true happiness and now I don’t know how to be or feel if everything’s not about achieving the image desired by the family.
Requesting more recovery identity building videos:)!! Thank you. Especially how to cope with your family’s refusal to accept you if you don’t do what they want- like you always have done.
Im the GC. Every time i try to start something for myself, discover myself, i get push back from my family by shaming me and calling me names. Ive decided to keep my life extremely private and I love being alone. It does get lonely because I feel like I have no support and my family blamed all their personal issues on me because I was the GC (so I was treated better, which is utter bullshit). Its so exhausting and Ive been depressed and suicidal for almost 20 years. Ive been to extensive therapy. That and distance from the constant critisism has brought me peace of mind, finally. Now I can finally explore myself and get rid of the shame and guilt for chosing my own path. I am doing so much better today and even for healing myself I have gotten anger and jealousy from my mother and sister. Am so done with feeling guilty for healing myself.
I’m so happy for your recovery and healing process.
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Im suffering the same things you have wrote and it's getting at me day by day ....it was even better when i was young but nowadays i see suicide as the answer but deep down i know im stronger than that...im confused,im tired of being the golden child tbh😭 this trauma been affecting my relationships coz im emotionally damaged
I’m there with you brother, hang in there…it’s two steps forward and 1 step back, almost every hour. I keep watching videos like this to keep on top of objectivity. If you were GC like me, it is so easy to fall prey to old habits and sometimes exciting. You CAN change the molecules in your brain bro, just keep at it!
As a recovering scapegoat, it is good to hear the contrast of the golden child. It just seems inverted but we all serve the same dysfunctional system. I'm still unsure which of my two brothers was the golden child and I think that can switch just as the scapegoat at times. I think my middle aged brother alternated, so I'm unsure which role this would be.
I feel your pain. I was an invisible child at times and then golden child. I get confused on what roles my brothers/I played because our roles did switch up at different points in our childhood. I feel like the more I go through my healing the more I am remembering. Sometimes it is revealed in dreams for me because I've buried so many memories.
Thankfully my eldest golden child brother hasn't turned into a narc but he is married to a very toxic woman.
This IS just like how you describe 😮..
Myself the scapegoat, I told my Golden Child sister, how we viewed life differently! She was hell bent of trying to convince me how wonderful our childhood was!
My sister, the Golden Child and myself the scapegoat, have FINALLY become close and frankly fell INTO each other only since our Mother's death in 2021. It is sad, but it is also freeing and wonderful that we know and love each other at last. Thank you ❤😊
Wow. That’s beautiful. God bless
I mourn the childhood I could have had. The years wasted in forced rivalry with my sister. Now we are closer than ever, and are actively detaching from the dysfunctional systems we were raised in. I was totally on the path to become like my narcissistic parents. I only was able to change when my sister, the scapegoat, was in dire need and I stepped up. It allowed me to see how my parents had failed her, and over time how they had also failed me. I grieve for the over 20 years that we could have been close friends. But I’m thankful beyond words for what we have now.
❤🩹This is beautiful.
I love reading this. Narcissistic parents seem to want us to feel empty like they do. You’d think they’d want better for their children. It’s so heartwarming to see you and your sibling figured it out and came out stronger together on the other side.
My sister sounds like a Goldenchild but at the same time all burden is on her and I'm always left alone with problems, but she is in denial and the families problems are Nr.1 in her world. It's definitely like her personality and she doesn't want to break free, she never says no but always comes to me to make me feel bad for not being a doormat like she is.
The golden child can sometimes be the ultimate enabler. My refusal to enable our mom pitted me against my sister for years because she was so enmeshed with our mother. She’s still far closer to the woman that scapegoated me than I’ll ever be, but she’s starting to wake up to why I rejected most of what our mother tried to put on me. Some golden children never wake up and never become their true selves.
Golden child turned truth teller/scapegoat after i realized that no matter how perfect i am it will never be enough because perfection in itself is seen as a threat to my narcissist family.
C-PTSD best describes my neurosis ~ Problem arises from sorting out between my Autism and Narcistic family history. Autism is core defining my person type: little interest in others obsessive plus ever-present sensory issues even at 79, but my psychological problems or feelings of self have been orchestrated by both narcissistic hard core alcoholics father/brother w mom's wholehearted enabling, narcissism = my interpersonal "flinching" withdrawal! Years of introspection has brought back images, remembrances of brother manipulating or triangulating within family, put downs physical abuse, then parents enacting rule "no tattletale!!" making five years older golden boy brother in control, which he never gave up, no contact is my solution in total ~
As the scapegoat of the family this very accurate. My sister was the golden child but we’re not close never really was.
Thank you for watching.
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Yes yes yes! I am almost 40 now and have spent the past 5 years trying to unpack all this stuff. My scapegoat sister brought the narcissist label to my attention to help me understand our father. Thank you for sharing more info on how the golden child was affected. You touch on so many great points here. Learning how to allow others to feel disappointed is so hard. I simply could not bare it. I’m finally understanding why. Identifying my own feelings has been quite the challenge as well. Anyone else a Fawn/Freeze?
Yes. Definitely. Didn’t get a choice
Fawn/Freeze, absolutely. Let’s set new realistic goals for ourselves.
This is my life. And this has brought me to tears. I have lived in pain for so many years. Thank you.
One thing that I have noticed about this kind of thing is, it doesn't discriminate. It is rampant amongst all kinds of nationalities!
Very true. Golden child recovering, breakdown
Was the answer to seeing the truth of who the narc is
I'd love to hear you talk about the roots of addiction issues for scapegoats and golden children. This was excellent.
Good Enough.... magic words!
Jerry as far a family dysfunction goes, you're my go to person. Even when I don't understand something the first time, when it finally clicks and I come back to your content I always leave feeling so enlightened and better about myself
Scapegoat here woot woot! I was the scapegoat but now that I am the most successful one in my family and now my sister is the scapegoat.
...so have you graduated? LOL
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
A great workshop for ACOA’s, ACON’s, and any of you who come from dysfunctional families!
Workshop leader: Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC LIVE
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
Scholarships are available write to Jerry Wise at
jerrywise5@gmail.com
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Thank you!❤
Dysfunction leads to dysfunction - no truer words spoken
Yep. And also, responding to dysfunction doesn't need to be dysfunctional ❤️
Thank you. This helped me understand my little sister.
Glad it helped!
聖なる私はあなたのOKを願っています!
My little sister was the golden child. Now she’s super controlling and has massive anxiety 😢
And looking at the treatment the golden child receives the scapegoat feels abandoned and undeserving of good things. And it becomes so normal and natural for the scapegoat everywhere in life they get uneasy when treated with goodness or properly in certain situations like it’s not normal.
I don't normally speak online- but I must gush about your inner and outer beauty radiating through my screen!
We thank God for you Mr. Wise😘
Thank you so much, I'm glad you find my work helpful
After learning this Jerry, I have literally "fired" myself as golden child and refuse to go along with parents dysfunctional idea mindset that makes no sense. I stay confused and self differentiate. Parents confusingly tell family they need to come to the reunion because I will be there? Its too weird to me and dysfunctional.
I get that feeling, often when my mum sets up these situations and I pick up that she's excited she can show me off, I often think :"What do I have to do, jump up and down and entertain everybody?" It's creepy and I've also started refusing to be the performing monkey. It took a few decades to see it all, but I have peculiar memories like my brother staring at me in these functions like he was thinking: "How does she do that?" Poor guy was scapegoated and clearly told that he wasn't doing it right so many times. Well, I know what they want, but I now also refuse haha, perhaps in allegiance to my brother.
Enlightened empathy within me for the goldenchild
Thank you for these videos
I am the scapegoat and always have been. My brother is the golden child and is becoming just like our narc mother. My sister was able to shut her out of her life and I am trying to do the same. I am so ever this effed up toxic family dynamic. Thank you for your videos Jerry!
Thank you !!! ❤❤❤❤🙏🙏🙏 on point for me.. so validating I love that trouble making is simply to not comply.. I’m 45 years old learning to accept disappointing others.. thank you this is very healing to hear especially this week ❤❤❤
Oh my gosh! Even at a young age I used to think Sis can Do No Wrong. I used to think of her as the Lucky Scapegoat. Golden Victim fits, too. Thank you for seeing me, Jerry.
Your trouble Jerry describing not being able to finish the thesis, totally hit home for me...I tend to get caught up in the details and get bogged down in my work. My boss told me to stop it, but at that time I thought he was mean for criticizing me and I just got defensive 🙈 ugh...I was trying to make my work PERFECT...SMH...meanwhile, people around me were doing a mediocre job and brought home the exact same paycheck!
You're helping me see the deeper issue here...🤔
Thank you Jerry for sharing your personal struggle from your past...it was very relatable to me.
My narc golden child sister used to say to me with self-adoration "I've got green eyes!" (It is the reason why she is "superior"). I send her congratulations till nowadays. Thank You!!:))!!
My sister won't listen to me or believe the hell I lived through. She'll defend the head narc till death.
That's common with GCs.
I am the 'scapegoat' and one of my brothers is the 'golden child' since early childhood. We got along 'ok'. He ended up very sick with a severe acute onset of an autoimmune disorder when he was 21. Been sick with it and not able to work for the past 25 years. Now one of his only 'jobs' is to make sure my parents feel attended to and like good people
This is so exactly spot on, I am the scapegoat, my sister was the Golden child. I am the last person alive in my family, still trying to understand all the confusion. This video makes so much sense.
I love this man’s contribution. Yet his ending phrase by Jerry Wise : “be wise” I replace by : “just be” do not be anything
Thank you so much for this.
I completely destroyed myself and my life and everyone is thrilled about it and now no one is alive
Thanks Jerry.
Edit: thank you so much for your work Dr. Wise- it is changing lives and helping humanity. Our family was a textbook NPD dysfunctional family in every conceivable way. You could plug our names into the manual. We had the head narc father, the enabling and abused Mom, a GC (first lieutenant and henchman to the head narc), a primary goat, 2 lost children, a mascot and a secondary goat when the primary wasn’t accessible to pommel, ravage and feed off of. We relatively recently had an epiphany when the “Big two” just couldn’t stop themselves from their never-ending ways of treachery and devilish abusive behavior. They pushed too far and caused the rest of us to do a deep dive when it could no longer be tolerated. Their worst fears have come true and we have ruined their life’s work which was to fool EVERYONE and keep us blinded to their sick cult. Their ultimate weapon of choice is to rely on your unending loyalty and belief that they love you. The loyalty is one way and THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU..THEY DON’T POSSESS THE ABILITY TO LOVE. Allowing ourselves to face this harsh fact (that no human being wants to face) was the key to our awakening. We figured it all out and brought the whole house of cards crashing down. We attempted as best we could to go gently but let it be known that their abuse would no longer be tolerated. That doesn’t work because they are BLAMELESS VICTIMS in their own false minds. They are black and white-thinking cyborgs..they are good, you are bad, end of discussion. But it had to be done. They will no longer be allowed to vampire off of us for their “fix”.
Tip- NEVER, EVER trust the GC, they are committed 100% to the lie. They will do anything and I mean anything to maintain their lofty golden status. They are without a doubt the most damaged of all of the victims. If you are the scapegoat, be glad that they did not succeed in making you into them Which is literally a shell of a human being devoid of any empathy or genuine identity. Your crucifixion is their resurrection. Your pain is their pleasure. Your damnation is their absolution.
I would suggest Jerry Wise, Sam Vaknin, and Dr. Ramani’s channels. All are terrific experts in the field.
The only people I owe my loyalty to are those who never made me question theirs....
Hey, I was a GC and felt a need to defend some of us. It is a role we didn't choose and it's dehumanizing.
My identity is under-developed, but I am not a shell of a human being and I am very empathic (even too much, as my other role was a caregiver).
My sister is my best friend and she was a scapegoat. We had very different traumatic experiences, but it didn't separate us. Her pain is my pain too, she is my little sister.
Some of us GC are aware we are not being loved for who we are, that we can never achieve the perfection parents are asking for. It is like having a promise of love, but superficial and empty love of your achievements and not yourself.
@@wavy6470 It sounds like you emerged with your empathy intact. That is great. The most tragic outcomes is when the gc does become full narc and does lose their empathy. They don’t have real relationships with any depth. Everyone gets robbed all the way around including the golden child. When a golden child becomes stripped of all conscience, that is the worst tragedy of all. It sounds like that did not happen to you and for that I am glad.
It's funny you say textbook because I have seen a few movies where the toxic family has a military dad and a people pleaser codependent mom even in the wonder years I remember the mom was ridiculously pleasant and the dad was really negative
@@reesedaniel5835 I can't stand passive aggressive and two faced people because I need to know where they stand and where I stand it's like I'm hyper vigilant and they send my survival response system into chaos mode lol
I'm afraid of developing self confidence because I don't want to become a narcissist.
Self confidence is not a trait of a narcissism.
Don’t be afraid to develop self confidence, self confidence does not reduce empathy or compassion.
Narcissists done have true self confidence. In fact, they’re extremely insecure and lack self awareness at the same time. This is why they don’t heal.
My dad just died and my covert narc mother has all but abandoned me. She has given my golden sister everything and even held a memorial with my sister and left me out. When I call her on this and ask why she hates me she is silent. She yells at me to get along with my sister, but purposely does things to make us hate each other.
Sounds like your mother pits you and your sister against each other. My so called mother did that to me and my two siblings
My G.C. sister constantly caused trouble, but only to me. Any time we were left alone in a room together, she would go running out crying that I had done or said something mean to her. I'd get punished because no one believed that I hadn't done what she said I did. Sometimes it was at big get-togethers, so it was not just mean. It was also humiliating. As an adult, if we were going to be the only ones left in a room, I would follow the last other person out, just leaving her. I wish I'd figured out to do that sooner! She is full blown narc now. Maybe she always was.
Wow!!! The real self vs. The role self.🤯 Mouthful. Thanks Doc. Don't think you are a Dr? but after that statement... Thanks Doc!!!😊
This left me speechless Jerry
I had to play it twice
Thank you
This is a profoundly insightful video
helping me understand - Jerry what you describe is so exact, it's almost eerie.
You are so right. This knowledge is also vital for scapegoated adult survivors who suffer from harmful ocd perfectionism
I think golden children are the echo of their narcissistic parents. They have to agree with everything their parents say, right down to food choices and musical tastes. No divergence is allowed. They are in chains as much as anybody, but those chains are golden, so they won't see them.
If the scapegoat leaves, the golden child is in danger of becoming the new scapegoat. Being anywhere near a narcissist is always damaging.
I feel so blessed to be the mediocre in the life of this golden child. This education has given me a reflective aspect of being open minded towards my fellow human being. My thoughts of forgiveness is expressed towards this person and May God richly bless him with a healthy mindset to accomplish his goals. Blessings to you for this beautiful words of wisdom. God bkess❤.
These videos are really tough for me to watch. This one, in particular is causing me to become emotional.
I've been an only AND a golden child. I remember my childhood as really beautiful. My teenage years felt more and more like being trapped in a cage. My parents were emotionally dependend on me, so I was not really allowed to have friends or to focus my energy on anything other than school. Neither was I allowed to have my own opinion nor to go anywhere without saying. Phrases like "People without children are sooo poor" or "Without you our lives would just be senseless" can sound like a lifelong sentence. It was so unbearable that from the age of 17 all I wanted was to be dead.
To most of my therapists I was just the spoilt only child whose major problem it was that my parents had offered me too much comfort. In their opinion I was just not used to try hard, that's why I didn't make any progress.
I don't know if most therapists have a good idea of what emotional abuse is. If yes, they are pretty good at not showing it...
That is enmeshment, codependency, emotional incest in addition to what you explained. Parents that have children so that they dont feel lost and lonely put such a burden on their child because they make the child feel guilty for growing up and wanting their own life and family. Kids shouldn't be life support...those parents need to heal instead of transferring their issues onto kids that they claim they love. Love isn't supposed to feel suffocating.
“It’s ok to be mediocre…” still working on that. And dealing with the feelings that come up when I don’t meet other’s expectations…. “We were asked to shoulder the hopes and longings of our caregivers…” My job was to make up for all the failings of my siblings…
Extraordinary insight. I achieved so much as the golden child with the scapegoat at my side.
Great thanks for watching
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Thank you. I'm the scapegoat and have done a lot of work on that. My only sibling was the golden child, and he self-less and I never knew how to talk to him about our past. He has seen my improved life. I hope he will watch this post and somehow get some life improvement too. I hate to see him hurting.
In my family the golden child was kept helpless
They often are. Thank you for watching. Any role we have to play is a straight jacket, even if it is a privileged one.
i have been scapegoat sometimes but mostly golden child or should i say when ever its convenient for my parents to role manipulate. which has created for me a fantasy bond attachment trauma style relationship. ive hit rock bottom now. painful talk to hear but resonate. your videos give me hope and a sense of healing work. much appreciated.
I'm so very glad. I would like to spread some hope to those who have been manipulated and controlled growing up.
I love that last part as it shows that the pewter and other metal vessels still hold the same amount of water (Love Capacity)
My golden child brother turned out to be a completely arrogant narcissist himself. He's never 'failed' at anything, if you don't believe it just ask him.
I graduated Magna Cum Laude from the same major university, yet I'll never measure up to him. A large part of our family's problem is that he completely buys the lie of his superiority.
The question we scapegoats have to ask ourselves is: would we refuse the idea of our own superiority if it was offered to us as small children?
@@mrknoklene My mother tried and kept trying to turn me into the Golden Child but I ket refusing the superiority delusion.
The SC are mostly empaths and truth tellers. They can see through the manipulation even though they don't understand what's going on.
She would triangulate trying to put me against ny brothers and I'd tell her from a very young age that we are family ,she shouldn't be putting one child against another .
Or she would bring some false narrative against someone ,and I'd stand by the other person,she would say But I'm your mother!To which I'd respond -But you are wrong.
From early childhood she understood I was the Truth Teller and no matter how she tried to mold me into the golden child she couldn't.
She even admited one day,with that narc smirk ,I dont remeber the exact words,but she confessed she tried to assign to me the golden child role.
I'm proud to earn the title of Black Sheep . I didn't receive it. I earned it.
I am so overwhelmed by the amount of information that I have received while listening to your videos.
My whole life has been unpacked in a very short short period.
I am so greatfull but I also feel somehow constipated. If you know my meaning. You and your fellow youtubers have so much valuable content that has helped me understand where I come from.
I have been in therapy many times with different therapists, but I seem to be wiser, obviously. Many times, I have been a pain in the ....!! Because I know and understand so much about the dynamics.
I am becoming a therapist myself shy of the last year.
Thank you so much for doing this for us out here.
Sincerely
The golden child, aka the scapegoat
I can't thank you enough.
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
I am so thankful of the work you're doing.
To me the best work a human can do is empower other people and make them heal esp from emotional Trauma
🎉🎉🎉 Thank you! Merry Christmas to you! 🌼🌸
Same to you!
Golden child here. I wish I was aware of this in my youth, maybe then my life would have taken a different path. But alas our whole family needed therapy then and even with both parents dead, we kids still do. But I can only move forward, I cannot change the past. God helps and heals me now. And videos like this. Thank you so much.
It definitely is fluid. Sometimes I actually see this change within a conversation. Trying to turn it from the worst of both worlds into the best.