Cognitive Dissonance How the Traumatized Brain Keeps You STUCK
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Cognitive Dissonance How the Traumatized Brain Keeps You STUCK
Today I want to talk about what the traumatized brain does when you're experiencing cognitive dissonance and you tend to experience cognitive dissonance when in toxic relationships. I want to talk about what happens to the brain so you can understand why some things you may want to be doing, or some decisions you may want to be making...why you're struggling so much. When we don't understand it, it can cause a lot of shame and you can stay stuck because nothing that's happening makes sense. That being said let's dive in - for those that don't know me my name is Michele Lee Nieves I'm a life and relationship coach I'm the founder of the Thrivers School of Transformation which is a monthly membership where we meet live weekly on zoom and we work through the side effects of narcissistic abuse and complex ptsd together. So - the doors open Feb 1st to 5th so make sure you watch for when link is available. Let's talk about cognitive dissonance - the name alone cognitive being with your thoughts, thinking and dissonance being disharmony. So what happens when you have cognitive dissonance is that your thoughts have disharmony and you're being pulled in two seperate directions. This is really common when you have a toxic or narcissistic relationship because think about a narcissistic parent - my family loves me... my family is hurting me - those are two opposing thoughts and the brain doesn't like disharmony.
cognitive dissonance in narcissistic relationships, cognitive dissonance keeps you stuck in toxic relationships, narcissistic parents create cognitive dissonance in children, cognitive dissonance is part of trauma bond, why it's so hard to leave narcissistic relationships, the traumatized brain in cognitive dissonance, what trauma survivors need to understand with trauma bond and cognitive dissonance, why you stay with abuser, complex ptsd recovery, narcissistic abuse recovery, breaking free of toxic people,
Never stop trusting your instincts Michelle, your videos are really helping me lots.
I was like a zombie, full of waiting,and fear,all the rest didn't matter
This 😔
5 months no contact. Thought I was good but this past week been so hard. Officially filed for divorce,waiting for Satan to get her notice and realize she will stand accountable for her actions. This pain is unbearable.,…. I’ve never felt pain like this. Hurts so much to accept that it was all fake in her part and she moved on immediately like our marriage never meant anything at all to her. I’m taking it a day at a time but man this is painful. Praying for strength
How are you? The pain is almost worse than staying 😢
Darreldesrosiers8921, I know exactly how you are feeling. I went through a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation in my marriage but I loved her very much and I still feel like I do. Our relationship got to the point where I had to get a restraining order against her. It hurt so much having to do that against my wife of all people. I never ever wanted to do anything to hurt her. I honestly only wanted to love her and give her a good life and show her that not all men are bad. Well, it's been since September 29th since we separated. While I was away from our apartment I had to serve her that restraining order. She moved out as soon as she found out about it. She just about cleaned me out. Took most everything down to the kitchen trash can. A few weeks after that I started the divorce process reluctantly. Most of me didn't want to do it and I still don't. She was barely served a week ago today. I breakdown and cry every single day missing her. I've even gone as far as trying to reach out to her through our church pastor to see if she's willing to try counseling and also sent her flowers telling her I miss her. She hasn't responded. Even though I went through so much with her, I don't feel any unforgiveness towards her. I only feel love for her and I feel like I want nothing more than to fix our marriage and for us to be together. I can't stop forgetting about the special moments and the good times that we did have. Just like you said, the pain is unbearable. I really don't even know if the person I still love is really that person. Ever since I served her the restraining order I haven't heard one word from her. I even dropped the restraining order at our last hearing. Still I haven't heard one word from her. For all I know, she may have moved on already. I completely agree with you, I have never in my life felt pain like this. I'm even having to see a therapist, for the first time in my life over this. I miss her so much.
For me strangers pointed out abusive toxic behaviors geared toward me. Only relatives kept me in cognitive dissonance people I didn't know brought me out.
THAT IS BLESSED! VERY GRATEFUL TO HEAR THAT
For me, my husband brought it to notice but kept not following his advice or his suggestions as I was in cognitive dissonance at that time.. Thankfully, after my discard I know he was always correct in certain situations, and my intuitions were right all along but I had suppressed it due to cognitive dissonance, my own original family, and probably society too for which all I give a bullshit if they harass me by not believing in the truth I showed them openly and I have NO/LESS EMPATHY LEFT TOWARDS my own family members who belittles me, invalidates me, and even betrays me to the point of unacceptable behaviour.
Guess they are all in cognitive dissonance now and they need to come out of it on their own as the truth I keep telling, these cunning narcs twists and turns everything and those stupid family members get brainwashed. I seriously wonder whether narc is so good at manipulating things or other innocent people around are dumb. Then, I remind myself that I was also dumb to see the evil behaviour of the narc in my own family.
I got the narcissist to leave last night. It took me 5 months of work to make this happen but I did it. I didn’t have a job but I opened a new bank account and got a new job in November. I try to focus on what is necessary.
That's a blessing. I prayer your strength in the Lord.
Good for you. God bless you
@@laurac.9322 thank you! Before it happens you think how can I do this? How can I get through this? But I reached a point where I knew I am not going to move backwards only forward. I don't care how hard anything was better than where I was.
No one has ever explained what I experienced this well. You described it to a tee. I thought I was going crazy, but I know if you can describe it in such detail, I am not crazy. I was really experiencing that. Thank you
"Yes they did it, but they've apologized and feel sorry. Shouldn't I forgive and turn the other cheek or I'll be worse than them?"....another thought pattern that keeps you trapped.....right?
Re: Desk & Chair... The desk dominates the poor little chair even though they are supposed to work together in harmony! (That says more about me than the desk & chair! :)
Thank you for a great description of what cognitive disonace is and how to deal with it. Knowledge is power.
Only when you apply the knowledge will you have power.
Right, it's ALL about getting past denial, SO hard and yet a breakthrough. Then - and only then - does the real journey toward healing begin.
I have such gratitude, for the simple fact that this, self-help is available to me.
Your knowledge? Often, gives me the, 'Heebie- Geebies'
When you explain my partner and the majority of their traits, like you know them as well as I? and understand them more, than I? Like you were some secret spy in my life!? 🤣 🤣
Its beyond humbling, and entirely, exhausting... to even entertain in the brain. Gives me a, skull-cramp! Than I do? 😳🤯 And I am almost embarrassed, 😔 ya know?
Ashamed? I'm a smarty pants, empath... Lol
Its as if I've lost all sense.
So, on that? Ty. For making sense of it for me. In a manner that was easy to follow and understand.
Humbled in,
Sudbury, Ontario, Canada 🇨🇦 😊
1 month no contact. I made a list of all of the horrible things he's done and wow it's been so helpful in keeping myself from thinking of some fantasy in my mind and staying in reality.
Tell me about it. That fake fantasy that we concoct, that doesn’t exist , of who they were pretending to be in the beginning of the relationship. That fantasy thinking only anchors the entrapment more . That is excellent that you were able to do that and very encouraging. I know it’s not easy but you’re on the right path ! 🤗
it is so hard to make that list I am so reluctant to recall and write and when something happens too
@long story short I feel you 😢
I'm only reading this a year down the line and I feel for you . I'm hoping that your situation has improved . Drop me a thumbs up or if you'd like to say anything , say ..
Oh My goodness! God is soo good to bring me to your video! Thank you so much! Seeing your child say these things out loud of what he’s experiencing is painful. I’m glad this helps me understand and can help him heal.
Thank you so much for your knowledge. You taught me about reactive abuse. And it took my some time to learn to shut up. Observe don't absorb. We end up going to our abuser because we don't feel good then they take credit for solving the problem they caused. And reading about the disorder in grad school was no help. When you experience it and listen to people with an open mind they sometimes give you the answers you need. This is a great channel. My family has rigid rules and functions like one person; no one but me sees this rigidity. They were raised by 2 narcs and they married narc and some of them are narcissist. As a clinician i can tell you this. It's terrible i cut of my original family. They( the healthy ones) of course don't want to hear it ; so i say nothing and watch actions. Yes you blame yourself first. Keep your mouth shut- your only giving them ammunition to use against you. Self preservation be quiet. She's correct!
This video is sooooo good!!!!
Excellent video. Thank you.
Thank you so very much for this video.
At almost 60 I've come to the realisation that I survived the extreme cognitive dissonance in my toxic family by projecting intrinsic goodness on others, endowing people with qualities that they just do not possess.
Something I did to survive the horror that I lived through as a child became automatic and continued into adulthood.
An illusion that came at great cost but kept me sane.
Seeing reality as it is was an enormous shock, I lost many people that I love dearly, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
I am liberated from illusion and am very grateful for it.
Truth = Peace.
I'm hoping your world is a much better place 1 year down the line and that serendipity continues .
I think I’m having this experience… I’ve called it taking my rose colored glasses off to see things as they actually are.
Yeah. I believe this is REALLY challenging when it comes to having a toxic relationship with a parent/parents or vice versa. Because you want to believe they love you and have your best interest. Plus the world tend to encourage you to let go of toxic romantic partners or what have you. But the world will teach you to do the opposite when it comes to toxic family members. And this should be applicable to anyone that you are in a toxic relationship with.
They unfortunately live amongst us. Ass kissing bosses that have their tongue imbedded there... and yet, treat their employees like the very substance they continually ingest themselves.
You are not speaking hypothetically here. You are too young to know these things, without actually having experienced them personally.
This has been the BEST video on cognitive dissonance
oh wow -- great description - and helps explain why I don't have any memories of my childhood... totally makes sense... I always knew it was a coping mechanism, but never had actual terms to apply to the issue... nice job on your videos... much appreciated.
My cognitive dissonance doesn't tell me that I did something wrong to deserve it, or it was my fault... but it always has me saying "yes he did those things, BUT I have also done and said things I shouldn't have and we're all human so to love someone is to overlook those hurtful mistakes" bc I am finally self aware enough to see that I was abusive too. He may have "brought it out in me" but I reacted in pretty crazy ways.
So being self aware of my own shortcomings has me justifying their abuse bc I truly believe they don't mean to 🥺 my cognitive dissonance tells me I can fix them with love. (I cant)
Excellent tips! This is by far the best video on cognitive dissonance I’ve seen, and I have been researching daily. I want my brain to stop spinning so desperately! Thank you Michelle. Your explanation of the brain chemistry is very helpful. I believe I can take some steps forward.
The desk came first. The chair is there to serve the one who needs to sit at the desk, otherwise the chair would never be brought into the picture.
But fact of the matter is: the chair is an entity all on its own snd in its own right. It is just while it’s by the desk’s side, subservient to ithe MaDesk, but when Mr Chair is good & ready, and has had enough of big ol’ Mother Desk, he will go on to serve in another capacity as he sees fit, and even independently! Go, chair!
Wow .... so even the desk is a frauduldnt, bad, bogus mother! Go figure!
+Q-S/
xo~A
I’m coming up to six weeks for about the seventh time going no contact over seventeen years. I’m hoping this time will be the one that sticks. I kept a journal and whenever I weaken I read it. I didn’t hold anything back, and it works. You’ve got to write it before you forget. Which in my case was as soon as my ex finished punishing me with his silent treatment. I was so relieved the silent treatment was over.
Now I’m relieved the relationship is over. Now I’m grieving the lost years. 😢
It's healthy and totally ok to grieve. Just don't stay stuck there. You will waste the rest of your life that way. Peace, and persistence...
This is my favorite video yet. POWERFUL and so true. It’s frightening
Because the chair fits under the desk, making the desk superior
We place priority on the desk, almost like it is more important than the chair. I am thinking we have been conditioned to believe getting something accomplished and being productive (which the desk represents) is more important to us than the comfort of the chair. That is why in part you can even find desk that eliminates the chair and have you work standing. I am sure it is in part also to keep people more active. However, our brains cognitively has made the chair less important.
Michelle is wise beyond her years ❤
Wow! What a powerful video.
Thank you.
Thank u for this.. I have obviously been suffering from this.. these people are so evil.. how they manipulate others.. it’s demonic.. as u have to be a demon to be so skilful at it.
That is what it feels like and when they turn on you...when you are looking in their eyes and see norhing bur hate that us what you are battling a denon. The person doesnt even lookthe same.
I swear everything you say reigns true I’ve never disagreed with anything you’ve ever said and you explain things so deeply like no other narcissist abuse channel and I’ve watched you’re my favorite person to watch and each video helps me tremendously thank you so much for helping us
Rings, not reigns.
Oh my God. I’m 60 years old and that’s the first time I’ve heard of this. My sister and I can’t remember our childhood. Where has this been all my life!!!!
Exactly!!!!! I am the same. 64 years old. This video explains so much. Finally I can make sense of the madness I have been living in. It's not me, it's my brain. So useful to know. Very grateful. All the best to you. I intend to make the most of every moment. I hope you find joy.❤
Quand
14:30 - it feels like an addiction - even when you want to stop - there's something inside of you that keeps pulling you back
Thanks for another great video! I'm feeling so much better with your, and others help
This is exactly where I am. Thank you so much for your video, Michele.
You are the best that I have found by far in explaining what has been going on with me.Hammer on the head of the nail.
Re the desk: Because it has a protective nook for the chair to be tucked into and find protection?
the desk is the mother of the chair, because it’s at a higher spot, hierarchically speaking, it protects the chair, somewhat completes a bigger vision of the desk and the chair, they belong together, but there’s a space between them; they can exist independently. Also I believe the desk offers a place where the chair can fit, the chair can adjust its hight, the table is fixed.
I love myself and need to unconditionally love myself. And strengthen my self identity and self esteem.
Excellent video. I would love to join your school. I can't afford it right now. I do recommend your videos. I've been watching them for about 2 years now. I have benefitted from your videos a lot. And I do share them with others.
I was meant to find this randomly today.. TH-cam just started playing it and no coincidence. ♡♡♡ Thank you so much♡♡♡
Truly powerful! Thank you for the work you do.
i really like the analysis you made about the brain and the way CD affects our brain. Let me just ask you: where do you exactly find healthy people nowadays ?
The desk is the mother of the chair because it is the space of presenting serving. Some important aspects of Femininity presetability -beaity and nurturing-care taking.
Thank you, Michele! 😊
First tip contains presumption that person undergoing THIS harm is EVEN able to discern let alone find or has access to what is a so-termed healthy other, different person or people.
It's good to bring this to the conscious mind.
Thank you for your videos. I finally understand cognitive dissonance because of this video. I do write things down but you have given me new ideas also. Understanding what's happening is helping me heal.
Michele your videos are so helpful to me, especially this one. I don't understand why I can't seem to find this information from therapy but so glad I found your channel. I've been stuck in cognitive dissonance loop for almost a year now and now I feel like I understand and can let go. Thank you!
CPT (cognitive processing therapy) has helped me as I process all of this and work on releasing the stuck points.... it is not an end-all but it has helped! Thank you so much for this video and the great tips, Michele! The writing will help, I know for sure.... all I ever asked for was a fair and honest reciprocal relationship....💞
WOW THIS IS SO HELPFUL
Very informative, thank you so much! 🙏
Reality is a powerful eye opener...speaking from experience. I was Cinderella. Now I am trying with all my heart to be a grown woman. An adult. Worthy of getting back what I give.
A Mother draws her children to her by her Loveing Relationship.
Another Excellent video….🙏❤️🦋
This is exactly what’s happening to me exactly.
Then that says why we struggle to move towards our pleasure, even if we can escape our pain…
"We love you, but we are so concerned about you", or they will find subtle ways to minimize you, but tell you they love you anyway. They praise you, but only by comparing you to others and when it can make them look good.
My communal narcissistic parents have created so much cognitive dissonance in me because they are always professing their love and support for me until I get out of line. They don't insult me or put me down in obvious ways, they use concern for me and "saving" me to create insecurities in me and to manipulate me.
All is fine until I question them, don't appreciate them enough or I try to establish a boundary with them. When I don't behave the way they are comfortable with, I become a toxic, selfish person and don't deserve their love and support.
had a friend say how much she loved and appreciated me, but then attack my character when she didn't like what I had to say. I've learned to associate love with fear, obligation an guilt.
Thanks Michele, I love how you describe what happens in our brain when we experience emotional abuse and manipulation, and why we can struggle. It helps release some of the shame and why it's so hard to reconcile the love they profess for us with the hurtful behavior. .
The positivs of that relationship were...... almost nothing,only sex ,where I gave myself existence
You’re the BEST!!!
Keep up with the real fight!
Love
Respect
Honesty
Integrity
Truth
Compassion
The desk is taller +
The chair is smaller than the desk goes under
The desk has more mass +
The chair is lighter -
The desk doesn't move -
The chair moves +
The desk has drawers for storage +
A person is able to sit on a chair +
Desk
3 positive
1 negative
Chair
All the negatives I have are actually positive for a person's usage. It's too easy to think the chair is the child because it's smaller. However, chairs are used more often than desks. We have more chairs in our homes than we do desks.
I'm now thinking the chair is King for being more useful.
This was EXCELLENT thank you 😊
I did NOT know oxytocin gets dysregulated!!
It’s nature calling you to become more emotionally strong with clarity of thought and perspective by your physical body wants to adopt same types of situations effortlessly by threatening your soul ❤
Because body is shelter of soul to grow and nourish humanity
You changed my life
Excellent! What you say here in this video and the way you explain it is... gold!
why is the desk the mother to the chair i really have no idea
The question.... Desk is the mother of the chair because it is an adaptation to try to make yourself and comfortable as possible while dealing with crap on your desk. I'm of course completely negating the sit/stand up desk I'm on right now because my cat is comfortably napping on my $1500 chair.....LOL...And the follow up is that there's nothing more difficult for our brains to do is try and reconcile the creation of so much emotional trauma and pain from the ones (parents and girlfriends in my case) that supposedly love us. What I used to do is rerun every freaking interaction through my head. I would do this for hours, sometimes days. Basically replaying those recent events and replaying if I had done or said one small thing different. It was freaking exhausting if not damn near debilitating. I'm so happy that's no longer the case and I can think again.... now to resume your awesome video :)... damnit. I was wrong....LOL, but I'm completely demonstrating your point (with my own spin...LOL) These experiences, until you figure out how to break free of them will damn near turn you into an invalid.... and yes.... you focus on the one good thing, ignoring the 1000 bad things. You fall in love with someone that isn't who you create them to be. I could never "delete" as you describe though. I remembered most all of it and that's part of what allowed me to finally (after decades) break the cycle. Great video as always.
And the biologicals... yes.... ups your cortisol through the roof. This is because you're constantly in a fight or flight state. I used a few herbs to help calm it down as it was also affecting my thyroid and other things that were all symptoms of those different hormones being out of whack. I'm 100% against SSRIs..... I used ashwaganda (sp?) and a few other herbs that helped along with supplements like B&D Vitamins and Iodine (kelp and Lugols).
Because the chair comes out from between the desk's legs. Apparently, the chair and I are both immature children.
Breadcrumbs is what they give you
So we'll explained,makes more sense than many others ❤️
A desk is over the chair hovering over the chair
SO informative and powerful Michele. I see this reflected in recent situations. A very important program to delete and rewrite!!!
I have no idea why the desk would be the mother to the chair. I don’t have to think very hard about that. It’s a desk and the chair is a chair. I guess I’m just not a deep thinker.
Learning to love myself for the first time.
So true....had it during 4,5 years, with that person I wanted to be close with , but she rejected so bad , still I keept not being able to get it
Very interesting! We are fallen and sinful, so our brains are going (at least part of the time) to act in fallen ways. Not to mention that when trauma is added, the brain may respond in an even less healthy way.
I Love You 😘 soooo much!!!! You have helped me beyond belief. I just love that you have been able to heal and to coach!!!!
Thank you!!!! So happy to know that I've helped even in a small way!! And yes.... the coaching is what helps turn something ugly and awful into something amaaazing!!!! Again thank you for your kind words -sending love and light your way!!
This is a very good video. Thank you Michele.
The desk is the mother of the chair because a desk will let you tuck a chair in and keep it safe (for the most part with the exception of the back support).
This is the most powerful video I've ever watched, that thoroughly explained the biggest mystery involving my abusive marriage of 14 years with a N: Why can't I leave if I know this is so destroying me? Thank You Michele, this is invaluable! I am going to re-listen, and re-listen until this sinks in. TY TY TY.
I understand now what I've been going though ...
The desk is the mom because.. it's bigger :|
A chair without a desk is complete
A desk without a chair is lacking?
Idk lol
Edit: lollll motherf…. You got me
I’m so vulnerable hahahahahahha 😅
When thinking about cognitive dissonance look at fessinger’s research. I think he and his team were the founders of the phenomenon. I studied this at university.
Another area that is handy to know is cognitive biases One of which is confirmation bias where we look for information to confirm an existing belief and completely disregard any other information ( like blindness).
Thank you Michelle. 😘
Because the desk covers the chair.
Beautiful day to you beautiful
Mother creates a child. The desk cannot be credited with the creation of the chair, since the need of a chair without the desk is also possible. So, it can be said that the desk is not the mother of the chair !
Because it's bigger and more mature (but do we know that?!)
Edit: ohhh trick question!! 😂
Why is the desk the mother of a chair--->My answer: Well, I don't see it that way. IMO, a 'mother' refers to a biological mother, and the desk is not a biological being.
breadcrumbing...that's the term for what you are discovering during the end part of this video that you are recommending...utter breadcrumbing!
The chair moves around, but always comes back to the desk! Lol
Mind blown! Exceptional description explanation and guidance. I needed this. My children need this. So happy I found this ❤
I used EMDR
The desk is bigger heavier and can't be moved.
Hi Michele,
Could there be a category of “Clueless Narcissism”?
Thank you for your channel!
Thank you, Michele. Cognitive dissonance I am sure we all have to deal with to varying degrees and various situations through life. I have a more clinical question that I hope you can assist with. In my role, I too am a coach in the health field and work toward reducing my patients’ cognitive dissonance.when it comes to nutrition. Most people know that for health (physical and mental) they would benefit from consuming more whole-food (whole foods that are unprocessed, vegetables and fruit, seeds and nuts). That’s the relatively easy part.
Given decades of well established research, humans are actually ‘vegan-by-design’. There are all sorts of reasons why the public has come to believe otherwise (not appropriate to explain in this short comment). Patients’ defences that you describe go up big time including ‘head in the sand’ when they are asked to ‘eat as vegan as possible’ for their health and that of their families. As Harvard-trained psychologist Dr. Melanie Joy describes from her work, the public believes ‘carnism’ is normal, natural, and necessary, yet the more people consume meat, dairy and eggs, the sicker, they get; the more they they adhere to a healthy, whole food plant-based diet, the healthier they become. Dr. Joy had many videos on-line talking about ‘carnism’ and effective vegan communication to address cognitive dissonance. A short one that might give you more background related to people’s cognitive dissonance in adopting the most healthful diet, is her TED Talk in Munich, which you can access easily on TH-cam.
Any insights you may have, Michele, about further reducing cognitive dissonance in patients in this novel clinical situation, would be appreciated. In part, most people view themselves as kind and compassionate, yet as Dr. Joy’s video footage shows, factory farming is an abusive, brutal and cruel industry. Reconciling their learned socially conditioned attachment and preferences for animal-sourced foods and their secretions with the inherent cruelty, is challenging for people. Recently, Ed Winters posted a short video showing the evidence that fish are sentient and undergo comparable suffering as land animals when they are caught and slaughtered. This cognitive dissonance is a major barrier in maximizing patients’ health despite strategies to avoid blame etc. Thank you very much for your attention to this issue.
If we do not give unconditional love and acceptance to ourselves, we will look for it outside of ourselves and the predatory abusive individuals can smell it like sharks smell blood and we are in for becoming their targets. Thank you Michele❤
Cognitive dissonance sounds like schizophrenia light. 🤕
Absolutely brilliant thankyou for making CD so much easier to understand