COST TO SELF: Always feel different like an outsider, don't know how to get their needs / wants met, including need for personal connections, has social anxiety so stay ignored & unappreciated, hard to get credit for abilities, feels suicidal. EMOTIONS: Lonely, rejected, fearful, sad, suppressed anger, hurt, depressed, show shame with procrastination & being the victim. BELIEFS : "Why should I feel? It's better I don't" " If I don't get emotionally involved, I won't get hurt" I can't make a difference anyway" " It's best to not draw attention to yourself" To: I deserve attention" " I do make a difference, I am of value & people will value me" " If I don't get emotionally involved I'll never have meaningful connections". STRENGTHS: works well alone, self- reliant, quiet, easy going, understanding, patient, spiritually developed, resourceful, creative, flexible, non - conformist, quirky sense of humor, well -read, scholarly, good observer & listener.
GOAL of the Lost Child: Provide relief for the family - sacrificing their identity & desires to give parents one less thing to worry about. They relieve some stress by not causing an additional burden, provide privacy by not airing ' dirty 'laundry' , help family avoid serious problems by never mentioning alcohol, underlying roles of Recovery.
FAMILY TREATMENT - LOST CHILD: Generally ignored, or considered a. 'blessing' for not expressing needs. Last child parents will think to get help for because they go unoticed.
wow. I literally hid or hung out in my closet when I was a kid. I was always playing alone. Always doing creative things and grew up to be a full time artist. I am 45 now and I am still struggling with socializing and people in general, and not sure if I will ever totally feel okay or live a full thriving life. I am still pretty isolated which is both a comfort and difficult when I would like to have some real social connections.
Thank you for sharing your experience as others are likely to connect... I do think healing is possible - while celebrating your very clear strengths! I wish you all the best!
Isnt it weird to relize what a cliche we lived through? I hid in the bathroom cause the closet wasnt big enough lol. I also grew up to be a designer and have a flimsy social life. But better then being surrounded by disfunction. Peace is a price im willingto pay.
This is amazing to read because it’s so relatable. Hiding (in the closet, up a tree, or on the roof) was my earliest and most successful coping strategy, and now it looks like not wanting to socialize. Thank you for sharing.
I had been wondering if I was the ‘scapegoat’ but lost child describes my role more accurately. My mother used to tell me a lot how calm and quiet I was. She really liked that obviously. In reality I think I was just constantly overwhelmed. I was the youngest (girl) by 4 years with one older ‘golden child’ brother. Both my parents, along with my brother were first born and had the confidence and arrogance to go with it. It was very difficult trying to feel seen, heard or taken seriously over anything. Growing up it felt like living in a fish bowl as my father was a ministerand we lived in a church house on a busy road. There was very little privacy. I did often try to hide during childhood. It was like a panic attack I’d get from an early age. Never was able to reach my potential in much as I had such poor self esteem whenever there was any pressure to perform. Safety was definitely an issue growing up, I did not feel emotionally safe at all or that anyone had my back. I still don’t. There is literally no one I fully trust except maybe my children. My husband is dismissive avoidant so he does not do emotional validation. I envy him as he has three supportive brothers. My brother is highly narcissistic and was always emotionally abusive growing up so there is no support there. I have some friends but no ‘best friend’ and all my best friends turned on me possibly because they often are highly narcissistic which I don’t realise until its too late. I have been trying to become more resilient relying on myself only but its not easy. I kept thinking these feelings would go away but am in my 50s and they never do.
I am currently on a healing journey and related so much to being a lost child. I do also believe I am possibly autistic. I always kept to myself and hid a lot. I always carried books with me and even had a imaginary dog friend. lol I related to animals more than people, I suppose. My Mom always said I was the good one because she never had to worry about me. Just recently, I started to give myself grace and patience. Currently in therapy and really hopeful to one day take up more space. I just can't hide anymore. Thank you so much!
Adult RECOVERY NEEDS: to reach out, deal with lonliness, face their pain, make a few deep relationships, give up victim position. Become a team player, practice flexibility, taking the initiative, making decisions, notice & use available options. With help ( whose )? They can express talents, creativity & imagination. Can become assertive, resourceful & interdependent ( instead of isolated).
painful, resonated, much appreciated Barbara. just to put more fire to the dysfunction imagine being also sexually repressed or suppressed as a child through shame, guilt in the guise of religion in this age of 'female sexual empowerment' in family systems dynamics!
Lost child here married to a hero child with a narcissistic father. Marriage has been harder than it’s ever been as we begin to see the consequences of these roles playing out real time.
These r very true points and v wry difficult dear. For me I have a voice and say my concerns but when the other person usually narcisstic say works pushes me I give up and give in. So your item about conflict is helpful it is challenging though because I v seen bad work dynamics
My mom always said i was so good.id keep myself ocupied all day by myself for hours and actualy had bed on floor in big walk through closet with two doors so i could escape my big brother and a regular beating.? I went no contact 35 years ago. I used art and models.building projects. Wood working. Since i had rheumatic fever at ten yrs old and still to this day 60 yrs later. Have been an artist, boat , house builder and auto mechanic / restorer and painter. Basically all kinds of shtuff. Worked many good jobs machinist/ mold maker metal worker.but always did my own thing on my own time. Fiercely independant.
I was this and the scapegoat. Also made to be the mediator between my parents like that was my job or something. I was the buffer they triangulated to not have to face reality.
And this fits too... Im a freezer, and I am also a writer and I have a tattoo that reads 'Voice'. How do we pick one category when we fit into all of them? 😅
I think you can, yes, I identify with more than one also. I also was one of 2 siblings, one being a brother. I think in smaller families you tend to see multiple dynamics at play. I wish you all the best in your healing journey, @melon7235!
Such a beautiful video, i like the gentle way of your voice that helps me, as a lost child, feel appreciated and supported. And i recently, as a part of finally becoming to know myself, grabed out my drawings from the past, bought myself some art supplies and started creating again. It felt like years of supressing my real self finally is coming out, piece by piece. Such a wonderful feeling!
Just 2 days ago, for the first time, i could give my opposite opinion about youtube tutorials...i wrote i don t agree blabla...without feeling later on like...omg...what did i just wrote...oh what is she going to think, as if a youtuber could punch me in the face through my phone...i heard this voice...but i convinced myself is perfectly right to disagree...it s the 2nd time i do that...without feeling awful...i remember 1 time i wrote in one of your videos that John Bradshaw was a narcissist...because he himself wrote it in his book...yet...omg what is she going to think, he is beloved, she is going to punish me...childish behaviour...i think you probably didn t read it...luckily i am getting better , understanding that is my traumatized child who takes over at times...so i have to assure her that we are safe now...and that i validate the pain caused by our other parents....(self parenting), and if someone disagree is perfectly normal...not a personal threat...easier said than done.... The emdr at home you recommended has helped me a lot ...and your safe place , rumination videos. Thanks .kind regards
Hi Barbara, is it possible to be both the hero and invisible child? Growing up, I was the 'hero' that can be mentioned to my father's colleagues and extended family; went to good school, good grades, and all. Yet my words never mattered. When people gone, I prefer to lock myself in my room, making my own world from books and stories I made myself to prevent me being his emotional punching bag..
I have the same question, as I also felt the pressure as the Hero, but interiorly lived as the Lost Child. I often explained that I was "put on the back burner" due to other siblings needing more urgent attention.
COST TO SELF: Always feel different like an outsider, don't know how to get their needs / wants met, including need for personal connections, has social anxiety so stay ignored & unappreciated, hard to get credit for abilities, feels suicidal. EMOTIONS: Lonely, rejected, fearful, sad, suppressed anger, hurt, depressed, show shame with procrastination & being the victim. BELIEFS : "Why should I feel? It's better I don't" " If I don't get emotionally involved, I won't get hurt" I can't make a difference anyway" " It's best to not draw attention to yourself" To: I deserve attention" " I do make a difference, I am of value & people will value me" " If I don't get emotionally involved I'll never have meaningful connections". STRENGTHS: works well alone, self- reliant, quiet, easy going, understanding, patient, spiritually developed, resourceful, creative, flexible, non - conformist, quirky sense of humor, well -read, scholarly, good observer & listener.
GOAL of the Lost Child: Provide relief for the family - sacrificing their identity & desires to give parents one less thing to worry about. They relieve some stress by not causing an additional burden, provide privacy by not airing ' dirty 'laundry' , help family avoid serious problems by never mentioning alcohol, underlying roles of Recovery.
FAMILY TREATMENT - LOST CHILD: Generally ignored, or considered a. 'blessing' for not expressing needs. Last child parents will think to get help for because they go unoticed.
wow. I literally hid or hung out in my closet when I was a kid. I was always playing alone. Always doing creative things and grew up to be a full time artist. I am 45 now and I am still struggling with socializing and people in general, and not sure if I will ever totally feel okay or live a full thriving life. I am still pretty isolated which is both a comfort and difficult when I would like to have some real social connections.
Thank you for sharing your experience as others are likely to connect... I do think healing is possible - while celebrating your very clear strengths! I wish you all the best!
@wittynamegohere I admire you for becoming a full time artist! ❤
Isnt it weird to relize what a cliche we lived through? I hid in the bathroom cause the closet wasnt big enough lol. I also grew up to be a designer and have a flimsy social life. But better then being surrounded by disfunction. Peace is a price im willingto pay.
I hope things get better for you. Our pasts don't define us, we do! Wishing you all the best on your healing journey. You are not alone.
This is amazing to read because it’s so relatable. Hiding (in the closet, up a tree, or on the roof) was my earliest and most successful coping strategy, and now it looks like not wanting to socialize. Thank you for sharing.
My poor brother. He dropped out of college, ended up addicted to alcohol and drugs.
I had been wondering if I was the ‘scapegoat’ but lost child describes my role more accurately. My mother used to tell me a lot how calm and quiet I was. She really liked that obviously. In reality I think I was just constantly overwhelmed. I was the youngest (girl) by 4 years with one older ‘golden child’ brother. Both my parents, along with my brother were first born and had the confidence and arrogance to go with it. It was very difficult trying to feel seen, heard or taken seriously over anything. Growing up it felt like living in a fish bowl as my father was a ministerand we lived in a church house on a busy road. There was very little privacy. I did often try to hide during childhood. It was like a panic attack I’d get from an early age. Never was able to reach my potential in much as I had such poor self esteem whenever there was any pressure to perform. Safety was definitely an issue growing up, I did not feel emotionally safe at all or that anyone had my back. I still don’t. There is literally no one I fully trust except maybe my children. My husband is dismissive avoidant so he does not do emotional validation. I envy him as he has three supportive brothers. My brother is highly narcissistic and was always emotionally abusive growing up so there is no support there. I have some friends but no ‘best friend’ and all my best friends turned on me possibly because they often are highly narcissistic which I don’t realise until its too late. I have been trying to become more resilient relying on myself only but its not easy. I kept thinking these feelings would go away but am in my 50s and they never do.
I am currently on a healing journey and related so much to being a lost child. I do also believe I am possibly autistic. I always kept to myself and hid a lot. I always carried books with me and even had a imaginary dog friend. lol I related to animals more than people, I suppose. My Mom always said I was the good one because she never had to worry about me. Just recently, I started to give myself grace and patience. Currently in therapy and really hopeful to one day take up more space. I just can't hide anymore. Thank you so much!
Adult RECOVERY NEEDS: to reach out, deal with lonliness, face their pain, make a few deep relationships, give up victim position. Become a team player, practice flexibility, taking the initiative, making decisions, notice & use available options. With help ( whose )? They can express talents, creativity & imagination. Can become assertive, resourceful & interdependent ( instead of isolated).
Really good answer, where did you get the info from?
painful, resonated, much appreciated Barbara. just to put more fire to the dysfunction imagine being also sexually repressed or suppressed as a child through shame, guilt in the guise of religion in this age of 'female sexual empowerment' in family systems dynamics!
My Barbie house was in my closet. I appreciate you telling me to celebrate the strengths that came as a result, including my creativity.
Lost child here married to a hero child with a narcissistic father. Marriage has been harder than it’s ever been as we begin to see the consequences of these roles playing out real time.
Yes, i go through life with the main goal of self protection. All my decisions are based on that.
That's 100% me :o
Barbara this resonates, from a lost child betwixt two families. Thanks💖
These r very true points and v wry difficult dear. For me I have a voice and say my concerns but when the other person usually narcisstic say works pushes me I give up and give in. So your item about conflict is helpful it is challenging though because I v seen bad work dynamics
My mom always said i was so good.id keep myself ocupied all day by myself for hours and actualy had bed on floor in big walk through closet with two doors so i could escape my big brother and a regular beating.? I went no contact 35 years ago. I used art and models.building projects. Wood working. Since i had rheumatic fever at ten yrs old and still to this day 60 yrs later. Have been an artist, boat , house builder and auto mechanic / restorer and painter. Basically all kinds of shtuff. Worked many good jobs machinist/ mold maker metal worker.but always did my own thing on my own time. Fiercely independant.
Barbara, are you able to be a combination of lost child and scapegoat? I resonate deeply with both roles
Yep, definitely the lost child in my family
I was this and the scapegoat. Also made to be the mediator between my parents like that was my job or something. I was the buffer they triangulated to not have to face reality.
Lost child artist over here ovo/
And this fits too... Im a freezer, and I am also a writer and I have a tattoo that reads 'Voice'. How do we pick one category when we fit into all of them? 😅
This is me 😢😢
@2:30 What if the reason you feel powerless is because you don't have any strengths?
You do have strengths. As a lost child you just learned to suppress them in order to not be seen and avoid conflict.
Yoi
Anyone else literally watching this from a closet?
Just out of curiosity, is it possible to identify with more than one role? It was only my brother and I growing up.
I think you can, yes, I identify with more than one also. I also was one of 2 siblings, one being a brother. I think in smaller families you tend to see multiple dynamics at play. I wish you all the best in your healing journey, @melon7235!
I think so. I was the lost child when I was quiet. When I started speaking my truth I became the black sheep. 🤷🏾♀️
Such a beautiful video, i like the gentle way of your voice that helps me, as a lost child, feel appreciated and supported. And i recently, as a part of finally becoming to know myself, grabed out my drawings from the past, bought myself some art supplies and started creating again. It felt like years of supressing my real self finally is coming out, piece by piece. Such a wonderful feeling!
A lot of list choldren a faux introverts
Just hearing these messages is comforting. Thank you.
Recoverying? mascot child over here trying to get you to all to laugh at my antics.
Ahh!!! Your video comes out tomorrow! 😂 Stay tuned - and let me know what you think!
Just 2 days ago, for the first time, i could give my opposite opinion about youtube tutorials...i wrote i don t agree blabla...without feeling later on like...omg...what did i just wrote...oh what is she going to think, as if a youtuber could punch me in the face through my phone...i heard this voice...but i convinced myself is perfectly right to disagree...it s the 2nd time i do that...without feeling awful...i remember 1 time i wrote in one of your videos that John Bradshaw was a narcissist...because he himself wrote it in his book...yet...omg what is she going to think, he is beloved, she is going to punish me...childish behaviour...i think you probably didn t read it...luckily i am getting better , understanding that is my traumatized child who takes over at times...so i have to assure her that we are safe now...and that i validate the pain caused by our other parents....(self parenting), and if someone disagree is perfectly normal...not a personal threat...easier said than done....
The emdr at home you recommended has helped me a lot ...and your safe place , rumination videos.
Thanks .kind regards
Thank you! I’m so grateful to find your videos, channel and course on joy and confidence today! Thank you!! 💝
Hi Barbara, is it possible to be both the hero and invisible child? Growing up, I was the 'hero' that can be mentioned to my father's colleagues and extended family; went to good school, good grades, and all. Yet my words never mattered. When people gone, I prefer to lock myself in my room, making my own world from books and stories I made myself to prevent me being his emotional punching bag..
I have the same question, as I also felt the pressure as the Hero, but interiorly lived as the Lost Child. I often explained that I was "put on the back burner" due to other siblings needing more urgent attention.