In kindergarten one of the teachers legit called me a "tattletale" for coming to them cause I was being bullied. And then next time I got bullied I beat the kid who bullied me, and got suspended for that. Imagine what that does to a child's brain. Getting told what you did is wrong no matter what you do.
Yup. My son is being picked on by a girl in his class. When he’s explaining it to me and I didn’t t know it was a girl I was telling him to tell the teacher, walk away, and all the crap. But after a bit I finally told him if it wasn’t going to stop like that then he was allowed to defend himself. The he said ‘she’s for the first time instead of ‘bully’ and for a second I had pause. Then I realized, this little brat thinks she can punch, spit, and pull hair? Teacher won’t do anything because she apparently doesn’t see it? Or maybe doesn’t believe it? Then if this girl keeps going give her one. I mean wtf is the difference? I’m not going to have him picked on. And if nobody will believe it, I’m damn sure saying now he will not be in trouble. Not at home, and damned well not at school. If o get the call he punched her (not that I want it to happen I’d rather her back off) but I will tell them flat out he is not to be punished, and if they do fuck that he’s out of that school. And thing is I like the admin there, talked to the principal and vice principal etc. But if he’s punished for standing up for himself after they’ve all had several warning what am I supposed to do? Let alone hitting him, throwing his lunch on the floor, telling him “you make me feel sick to look at you I want to vomit” like wtf man I’m not going to have my kid be degraded like this. But he’s a boy, she’s a girl….. just wouldn’t happen that way would it? Not in the eyes of the female staff I kind of think at this point.
If you talk to the teacher about being bullied they blame you. “It takes two people to have an argument,” is a common line. Like, yeah, there were 6 of them and they hunted me down trying to read a book in the art block on lunch and hit me with a chair. “Well you must have said something, there are 6 of them and they all say you started it.” Teachers are the most stupid people I ever had the misfortune to be forced to listen to.
Oh my god "Well they said you started it" just triggered me so bad. Like no fucking shit their friends are going to take their side and help them fabricate lies 😤
@@zerogravity8982 so university is better for children then..., the teachers requirements is also having published a novel research and being paid like the military, while being guided by evidence based teaching(teaching method best supported by science and facts) why do you(america) spend that much money "defending" yourself, rather than "improving" yourself, a better you is a better defender lol
Yep - any emotion displayed beyond anger is weaponized against you at a later date like reading a court transcript. By relegating anger as the only emotion men are "allowed" to display - it is used to judge, restrict and isolate based on "toxic" anger instead of understanding that anger is a secondary emotion based on something else. Women do this constantly. Display anger - you are a bad man, display anything else - you are a simp and no longer attracted to you. You can't win, other than stop giving 2 sh*ts what anyone (including your Wife) thinks.
Yep, and I ended up in a 10-year relationship (uncluding marriage & having a child together) which ended, mainly, because I was, apparently, not allowed to feel anger at all. I was, apparently, just supposed to grin & bare anything that happened whatsoever, no matter how badly it screwed me over and/or how much of an insult it was to my character and/or integrity.
@@thomaspetrucka9173 lucky you, I remember as young as 9 years old being told to "man up" and "stop being pathetic". I had a stuffed doll I found when I was 5 and I would sleep with it for comfort. My aunt thought this was appalling and that I shouldn't be allowed to do that because I was a young man and it would make me weak. Bro I was 5.
A perk of living alone: being able to cry freely as a man without judgment. Sometimes a good cry does a lot of good even if it does nothing to fix problems--much more therapeutic than anger.
couldn't agree more. my personal routine is anger --> exercise with problems i can fix, as it gets me through the situation and a good workout makes me feel capable to deal with it. cry --> listen to/play music with serious problems i can't fix. helps to deal with it all yk?
I wish I could cry. It took an accidental epilepsy meds overdose and night of sleeplessness to release years of repressed emotions excessively down my face for half a day. I don't recommend that method, side effects of paranoid delusions.
That makes sense. I got rid of all my emotions except anger, and then got overwhelmed by anger. I cut out anger... and then I became a void for a while.
As children, most of our upbringing is built on learning. We're taught how to respond, how to feel, what to do and what not to do. As we grow older and mature, we shape ourselves into these teachings and our environment. It's what sets us aside and makes us unique, because everyone's circumstances are always different. When you're told as an adult to not act a certain way, or feeling this way is problematic, your natural instinct is to either disregard that advise or find an alternative means of thinking. So what else are most men meant to do when anger is all they know? We're told by social media and the masses that men + being emotional = feminine. It isn't. Controlling your emotions in a healthy manner is masculine. Find yourself good role-models to surround yourself with, do things that require you to act. Learn from those older than you, but make the mental assessment of determining right from wrong. Therapy might be different for most men, but it all starts with admittance and contemplation. One of the strongest things you can do as a man is learn an alternative way of thinking to a typically self-destructive mindset.
@awildfisk "learn an alternative way of thinking to a typically self-destructive mindset." U basically just described bpd in a nutshell, at least from my experience. Except I wouldn't say it's a self destructive mindset it's more of a self destructive pattern for me. I feel like every relationship I've touched in the past it just shatters into pieces. I liked your comment and I totally agree.
@@bezimen1the void runs the anxiety. The void has no ups and downs so when you have to go out that comfort zone, you reach for the void. I don’t need the ups that come with it, because I don’t want the downs
I went through this. I was heavily bullied by my classmates and teachers. When I tried to ask for help, adults laughed at me and told me that I wasn't manly and a baby for talking about my feelings and just overall disregarding my problems. Almost 10 years of that made me shut everything out.
You need to know that you did the right thing. You're a conqueror for being able to endure 10 years of that despicable behaviour & still you didn't give up after voicing your concerns. You even had insult added to injury by getting laughed at for it & yet you kept going. As far as I'm concerned the teachers & adults that you went to for help are as bad as the bullies that were causing you grief because of the psychic injury they knew would happen to you. It's because of the pieces of shit teachers that you went to for help & they did nothing that mandatory reporting laws were forced on ALL teachers.
@@carpathianken I don’t feel like I did the right thing. I feel like I should’ve fought back. Like I should’ve become the bully. That I should’ve hit them back far harder than they ever hit me. I feel like by not doing that, I let it happen. And by letting it happen I lost my masculinity and humanity. I feel like it was my fault
@@carpathianken yeah it's honestly amazing I didn't turn out worse. But I do have a lot of issues with trust and abandonment. Covid messed me up so things went south very quickly ultimately so I needed to take emergency mental health services. (I was also gaslit into thinking therapy was a waste of time and money hence me not taking it sooner (tho I should have))
I held my husband more than once while he cried and I can't llove him more for open up like this. He can do this whenever he wants. I was soo pissed when he's grandfather dide and he didn't cryes. But I didn't pressed him. Had a moment a the funeral, but that was it.
@@eddavons0690Bless this man's mother and bless you for that. That's simply f-ing amazing. Thank you for letting him be able to open up to you and not ashamed.
Talking goes a long way. I think men and women have such different perspectives on things that we have no idea what the other person is dealing with. I don't really think anything should be "for" some specific gender, but least of all emotion. Do and feel however feels authentic regardless of gender.
When one side gets angry and the other side refuses to take accountability, it just makes the first side even angrier! You can see how this is a horrible situation to find ones self in..@@kapelski104
Well there are bunch of guys on social media who embrace this. so yah it's the society but definitely the "alpha" men on social media play a role in it😂😂
@@personand That not most men. In every group you could find individuals who behave in a way that makes their groups life harder. We still shouldn't think in a "you did this to yourself" kind of way.
I have at least 3 friends over the years tell me that their gf told them it was ok to cry in front of them, and when they did the relationship ended within a month. Nothing wrong to over in the span of days, now i cant say it was 100% that one moment, but i know for a fact not a single one will ever do that again no matter what they are told
Yep, dont listen to people who say its "other men" forcing this on us. It's beacuse we want to be attractive to you know who, and they dont like it when we cry. End of story. It's them.
@@sunkintree Exactly. It's mostly women's fault, they were always like that ("Man up! You are pathetic, if you can hunt down that mammoth!"), but small group of men in power that want to control men too (like being obedient servants, giving up men's life to die in war for politicians, etc.).
Women like the opposite they say... They say: we like emotional men Real life: they prefer the coldest ones They say: we like polite and quiet men Real life: they prefer the agressive ones And the list goes on and on... I can't be agressive and I don't try to emulate a person I'm not. But one thing I learned from my first marriage, don't let your wife/girlfriend see you crying, it'll make a very problematic twist on her mind, she probably unconsciously begins to think you're less man. Why do I have this theory? 1 month after my first cry she started cheating... My current wife never saw I cry and the way she thinks about my masculinity remains the same... You don't need to be stupid, agressive or a toxic male. But never let your wife/girlfriend see you crying, just an advice...
A psychologist who was a friend of mine several years ago once told me that among 5 people who take their own lives, 4 are men and 1 is a woman. The reason this happens is because men are not allowed to express or talk about their feelings, so they don't ask for help. I had a friend who had a cousin who went through exactly that. He had troubles, didn't ask for help or talk to anyone, not even his close friends about what was happening to him, and he ended up taking his own life. As a woman, I couldn't understand why until now. This is extremely concerning. Western society is incredibly toxic about men's feelings. I think we have to change this. If I see men crying (because they have a real problem), I don't laugh at them or attack them. Instead, I let them, and I think they are being brave because they are showing their feelings despite everything. They are human beings and have the right to have feelings and talk about them. Please, let's stop that "men don't cry" nonsense.
@@Kunigunda897 Well, yeah, you are right. I don´t know how things are in Russia for example. Men over there don´t look very open up to share their feelings at all, but IDK. I mean, in asian cultures, like korean, I´ve seen men behaving differently from western men. They speak more openly about their feelings, cry in front of others and don´t feel so SO ashamed about it. They are even allowed to show affection to male friends and that is totally normal and accepted in their culture.
I really don't know how an entire generation missed the point of 'boys don't cry' it's not that you're not supposed to have emotions, its that you're supposed to channel those emotions into action. When I feel bad, I don't cry- I find something to do; you've been raised to say this is repression, but i can tell you that action exercises negative emotions from you.
@@asdfbeauwhat you described is repression. Congrats you've managed to deluded yourself into thinking that distracting yourself is a valid form emotional processing.
@goldenhospitality8521 Not at all, he’s right. Men didn’t cry because they had other outlets. They were far happier when they were doing things like playing sport or hanging out with each other at bars than they are today being weepy on the internet. It simply isn’t the best way for most men regulate their emotions, society has nothing to do with it.
Tbh I've had the opposite issue, where from a young age I learned that anger was useless, so I ended up just avoiding confrontation altogether. Can't remember the last time I actually felt angry and not even sure what it feels like anymore. Same for most other emotions except maybe fear.
I struggle with the same. I was bullied when I was little and I was really frail (anorexic) so I never allowed myself to feel angry. But now I'm a big guy, I know martial arts, but I don't allow myself to feel anger because I fear what I might do.
OP sounds like a ticking time bomb. cuz you are either lying to us, lying to yourself or both. at any rate, you DO get angry, you DO feel anger, whether or not you address it or acknowledge it is a different thing altogether people who explode on the spot, from being mad, i'm fine with that to a degree. easy to cut them out. but its the one who never says anything, never shows their anger and when they do, its typically over-the-top which typically leads to murder, an attempt to, mass murder, rampage, etc. get help asap
it could be alexithymia or something, idk. I'm just too numb these days. apathetic and indifferent. wasn't trying to lie. I honestly don't know what it feels like to be angry anymore and can't imagine ever intentionally hurting someone. that being said I'm in the process of getting professional help again, but there are long waiting times unfortunately.
I honestly dont know the cause, but i experience this too, altough not always. I am supposed to be angry? There comes fear. Like leg trembling chest aching fear. And i dont know why.
I remember complaining to my father about something my sister did, and he said i should've done something about it. So i damaged one of her toys, and he said i should've done something about it right after, and not a lot after. So i should angry and not think a lot about things. Tx! This is the same guy who told me I could jump from a tree, because he would catch me, and then purposefully didn't catch me, to teach me not to trust anyone.
So he basically tried to teach you to be abusive (breaking someone's belongings on purpose as punishment) and to distrust everyone? I hope you're recovering well.
I have found the reverse to also be true. They don't take you seriously if you express other emotions. The only way to get their attention is to get pissed off.
Totally true. As a woman on the other hand, I've felt many times exactly the opposite. I found that I automatocally routed my anger into sadness because it is more socially acceptable for a woman to be sad rather than angry. Emotional intelligence and the ability to recognize and control one's emotions is something that all kids should learn regardless ot gender.
Don't forget to be careful not to let yourself cry in front of authority figures (or these days, just about anyone) because then you're "being manipulative".
People forget that when academic feminists originally wrote about the concept of patriarchy, they identify how it’s oppressive to both men and women. At its most extreme makes men a disposable resource and women domestic slaves. Modern progressives have forgotten this unfortunately
The thing about demonising anger hits really hard. Like, even people close to you can completely close their ears when you feel anger, like you can even get some compassion for sadness but if you are ever angry at anything ever than you become some dangerous animal
If the person doesn't know how to deal with their anger then they could lash out and hit you. When people in my life have broken things or been destructive it was when they were angry. I wish boys were raised to be allowed to feel more than anger because other emotions aren't making me worry for my safety. It's easier to deal with someone else's emotions if I don't have to worry about me.
My dad and I are often in similar states dealing with the exact same situations at the same time. I try my hardest to not take it out on anyone, not get angry, not snap or make things harder for them. But then he sees that as me being wide open for him to lash out. We do talk it through, he's not violent and I do my best to be level headed. ButI don't have the energy to be compassionate, either. I have to put in so much more effort as the woman, to keep him calm and stable- while he vents his anger at me. At the same time, he's able to go play video games to get the aggression out while I'm trapped in bed with a severe migraine- trying not to cry, because he takes that as me being manipulative and victim blaming. I love my dad dearly and understand where his instability comes from. Head injuries and PTSD don't do him any favors- but I have both of those, too. I'm basically his therapist, no matter how many times I beg him to go to therapy, he just will not take the step of going to an appointment. He is trying to get better, but honestly his progress has been making him worse, lately. He's been using what he's been learning as excuses for his actions, rather than just explanations that should be brought to a therapist to work out. Now we know his mother was a narcissist and bi polar runs in our family, so he's allowed to display the side effects of being raised by a bi-polar narcissist, and me not accommodating by playing therapist and being an emotional punching bag is cruel. Regardless of how I don't have any support at all. I literally got kicked out of therapy and told I couldn't make progress until I moved away from him. My 'brother' (now woman, but was male for my whole childhood) also used to beat the f out of me growing up, so I do get terrified of any displays of aggression- she stopped the physical violence only after she realized my threats to call police weren't empty. But I still have to hold my negative feelings back, because my PTSD responses are unhelpful. I'm sure you're not meaning to say this is okay, but I think it's important both sides have compassion, because the other might not have the capacity to deal with that anger. I have known many women worse than these two, at least my family tries, more than I can say for those women who feel entitled to their anger but don't believe men are.
It‘s okay to feel anger. It‘s not okay to scream, break stuff, hit people because you‘re angry. That‘s why people should learn to recognize their emotion, try to control it with things like breathing or wait to let it pass if they can‘t control it in the moment, and then communicate what made them angry and why. Another part is learning to recognize when the anger is hiding shame, fear, hurt, sadness etc. and learning to communicate that. We all want to be understood, but people will not understand you if you don‘t even know what you‘re feeling and can‘t express it. And expressing it does not mean crying all the time if you‘re not comfortable with that. Crying ca be a powerful release but recognizing sadness and just stating you‘re sad can go a long way with people understanding you and trying to meet your needs. I know it‘s difficult to learn these thing if you have been conditioned not to show any emotion, but it will be very beneficial once you do and you won‘t feel demonized anymore once you stop lashing out in anger.
Not to mention there are people that will emasculate you for feeling anything other than anger. Get your feelings hurt? They question your manhood for being "sensitive." So we often learn that anger is the only emotion they respect, not realizing they're creating the monster they fear by shunning his other emotions.
@@sprigganpanda but you see how unfair it is for someone that knows you to simply start treating you differently when you are angry? People that know I'm not violent did that to me. I never hit anyone, never got into a fight, but the moment I feel anger, all my reasons become invalid doesn't matter how I expressed my anger. People here talking about boys being told to only feel anger, but my point is that that's not everyone's case and sometimes you are not sad or anxious, or are just angry, but then your anger is not a safe emotion to talk about. You are ever angry, that's just toxic, with all the hatred in this world your tiny drop of anger in this ocean of blood couldn't possibly make sense, repress your anger otherwise you are a monster
I wonder if it's also because anger is the only emotion that will actually make people pay attention to a man's problem. Fear, shame and sadness make people pay attention only if they already care. If you're angry either they will pay attention to what you're saying or you will make them pay. Anger is also the only emotion that will get you through a problem by yourself. So again if others don't pay attention to you, fear shame and sadness are useless.
I don’t think it’s because anger is the only emotion that makes people pay attention, because I don’t think anger makes people pay attention. Anger is the emotion that people are scared of, it makes people want to run away, to escape and not interact with you. If that’s your goal, ig you’d have succeeded. But when is that your goal? When is that your goal, when the alternative emotions are fear and sadness and shame?
@@spook6394 I don't think you understand my point. Let's say you have a teenager and two parents who don't truly pay attention to him. If he has a problem, and he expresses shame, fear or sadness, they can make sympathetic noises, tell him it's gonna be alright, then continue ignoring him. If he's angry, shouts, breaks things, his parents will not have the choice to ignore him. The resolution might not be ideal, but the teenager will feel vindicated either because his parents are now motivated to resolve his problem, or at least he made them pay for ignoring him.
@@thomaslacroix6011 thats true, the parents are the problem, the world didn't care... compassion missing, It's why programs like sensitivity training are nessecary, Either the parents are too lazy, too tired or thought having a kid was easy, Anger might backfire though, some parents are not as sane? as others, (violence and abusive) It's a systemic problem really, the world really need to care more
Teenager only exist in recent times, It was made when older children have their own money that the group teenager exist, They also need more social groups to fallback on, as relying on parents or older people alone might not be enough or ideal, sometimes our friends care more for us than parents ever will,really good friends even fight for us However anger drives away friends, so yeah it's a pickle for teens
From my experience people actually do care about mens fear, shame or sadness. That's usually the time at which people strike at you and unleash all their own anger about their lifes and society onto you, when you made the 'mistake' of showing vulnerability and lowering your emotional boundaries, held up only by literal 24/7 rage and mistrust against everything. Which then further justifies the anger(defense mechanism) and teaches men that showing anything but anger will just make you more abusable.
Acting in anger always gets a reaction or result much better than sadness, shame, or anything else. If a boy is being bullied and shows sadness or shame for it, “get over it kid” “toughen up” “don’t let them push you around like that” that’s what he’s told. That last one especially unintentionally promotes the anger. When people get angry they take action themselves. Clearly the teachers won’t help him. Their parents might not help him. If no one will help him, only he will help himself. If that means he has to command respect or fear from the people he feel has wronged him because no one will help solve his issue or get him through without confrontation then respect and fear is what he will have to get from whoever is causing the issue. I’ve always noticed, from family, education, strangers, most people really aside from a select few, that until I let them know I could be of danger to them if they continue to do and say whatever they want with me, they don’t respect me and they don’t think twice about how they act with or around me, whether justified or not. This is not to say anger is the correct emotion to default to, but just adding to why it typically is what men and boys default to. Be nice and good, people will certainly value you and appreciate you, just as much as they’ll see you as disposable and someone they can do whatever they like with. Once they prick themselves on you though suddenly they’re more careful.
I had the complete opposite experience. I grew up with an angry father and had very aggressive tendencies myself that I shut those emotions away and became a gentle person. Not knowing this was equally dangerous in the sense that I was denying a part of my personality that was innately apart of me
@@Zillxoz yeah of course. In my opinion, growing up and seeing how aggressiveness did more harm then good I associated that emotion with negativity. So I made sure to shut out any anger or aggression to make sure I didn’t make people feel badly like my father did. The problem is suppressing anger, aggression, or any kind of emotion is never a good thing because then you can’t process it correctly. It gets buried until so much anger builds up to the point where it has to come out at some point and it usually comes out in a very unhealthy way
Having an angry and emotionally unstable father can do that to you. In worst case, you disown your own anger, you dont see it as a part of you anymore, and that can truly make you a dangerous person, you’ve learned that anger is really bad, so you try to discard it totally, but truth is it never goes away, and it is a not a bad «evil» emotion at all, it is as much a healthy emotion.
Personally wondering why a class about emotions isn't part of standard curriculum yet. Give them tasks and assignments to learn about emotions (management), that should be kept private and only read by the teacher to check that they've done the assignment. I'm just throwing an idea out here, there are plenty of specialists who could come up with an actually good courseplan for this purpose.
Because there’s no way most teachers are qualified to teach about this without making either 90% of the parents angry or just being really fucking cringe Not everyone has Dr. K’s degree of qualification.
As a woman I do noticed it's harder to talk feelings with men, and when I want to express feelings the other person would shut down and in a way it also makes it hard for me to work things out. Definitely if we as a society do not learn to healthily deal with our emotions we will end up worsening society altogether
When you are taught that you will be punished as a male for expressing anything except anger by your parents, school, then girlfriends, what else is reasonable to expect?
@@genie9845 just a general reflection, not stating anything as is or isn't, and referring to the collective "we" since it has been happening even before our existence
@@CorinthianIvory I also had similar upbringing (but as a female) unfortunately the way we are raised and the way society raises us has contributed to the difficulties in dealing with emotions. But they say that half the battle is in knowing the problem.
Wow! Most of my adult life I’ve used humor to distract me from pain. Looking back at my youth, I learned to use humor as a defense mechanism against bullies. So I never really got angry, but I also never really released cries.
yeah thats why so many guys take the irony-pill and never actually show their emotions to their friends. not that using humor to cope is necessarily bad.
Throughout my life, I've known myself for having anger issues. When I was young, my family, especially my sister, often pissed me off, and whenever I get mad for their actions, they would blame me and make me feel like the bad guy. Until this day, the idea that I am the bad guy or the villain has not gone off my mind, especially after my parents criticized everything I did.
It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me. At tea time, everybody agrees. I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror. It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero.
Its like everyone wants to ultimately create a moral space for themselves for nobody to violate, when in reality it causes so much more harm to society.
I never got these lessons myself. I was always taught to express myself no matter what people thought, and yea I was bullied for it. I learned to fight. They did not win. I still express my emotions. And I know there are people out there who agree with me because I have a whole bunch of friends who are similar to me. I do see the struggle though. It takes a lot of strength to be emotionally open.
Growing up, I would get angry about a lot of things I probably didn't need to be angry about. At some point around high school, I decided I didn't want to be that way, and taught myself to look at things rationally before getting angry. The anger does still come out every now and then (particularly when gaming), but now a lot of people have called me apathetic.
It starts even earlier than that, imo. It starts when they are very small, small children. When a little boy gets injured, scared, upset or anything that would evoke an emotional response like sadness or fear or pain, the normalized response socially is almost always to tell the little boy not to cry, and to be tough. In other words, we tell them to repress their emotions, get angry about it, and to hide behind that anger. Conversely and simultaneously, they are witnessing little girls experiencing these same situations, but the girls are not only allowed, but encouraged to feel their entire range of emotions; they are taught how to identify and name their feelings and are rewarded for that; they are also comforted and cared for instead of being left alone to just deal with that pain or sadness or fear the way the boys are. This often creates a deep-seated resentment that is most times completely subconscious and only goes on to be reinforced again and again and again socially via the messages that we are sent through the media we consume, our families and our peer groups. Boys and the men they become deserve better. Men deserve to express and experience their entire range of emotions without ridicule or stigma. If we want emotionally intelligent, thoughtful and kind men, we start by teaching our boys to be empathetic, sensitive, intuitive humans who aren't ashamed or afraid of expressing their feelings in a healthy, appropriate way. Boys can, do and should cry, without fear of it taking something away from them in terms of their identity or masculinity; boys can, do and should feel passion, joy and excitement, without fear of being percieved as weak or frivolous or immature. Therapy only works if we can identify the feelings that we are having trouble working through. Men are so rarely given the ability to identify or truly FEEL how these emotions without accompanying guilt and shame, which closes many off to the opportunity and healing therapy can provide. Patriarchy and its archaic, outdated gender model that reinforces this mandated male stoicism with threat of ostracization if it's violated, hurts men just as much as it hurts the women the system demands they objectify, commodify and dominate. It's toxic for everyone involved!
Some girls do go through this too unfortunately. I am a girl that was told not to cry and to tough things out. I ended up isolating myself out of fear and now I have to undo the trauma. Good luck to anyone out there recovering
I'm with Rex here, "the patriarchy" is not the problem. Men evolved like this for many reasons, from their biology all the way to "a man who is numb to his emotions is more willing to sacrifice himself to the benefit of others", the others being the women and children he leaves behind when he goes hunting or for a war. And this was reinforced not only by men, who understood they couldn't trust a guy who would have an emotional breakdown in the battlefield, but also by women, whose need for security (both physical and psychological) makes her feel turned off by men who expressed their vulnerability. Women are usually the ones who go around saying men need to be more emotionally expressive. They are also the first ones who turn their backs to men when they do it. Most women can't handle seeing a man being truly vulnerable to them.
Whenever I express my anger, the only thing I get is “why you’re mad?; chill out” and then I get abandoned, being an outsider for being “aggressive “, no one got near me and I was demonized by expressing my anger.
While this absolutely true, it is something men can grow beyond and be better for it. I used to funnel all my emotions into anger, but now that I'm in a healthier place with more and deeper connections with people, I feel comfortable enough to allow myself to feel other negative emotions like sadness and shame -- mostly because other men I know have felt the same things.
Exercising candor as a man is such a minefield because people are wired to interpret you as dangerous or creepy if you step over enough rakes. I imagine it’s also difficult for women, but for different reasons.
Anything social is and always will be easier for women. I've played online games pretending I'm female and it's a better experience 100% of the time. I still play as a guy most of the time, but sometimes I just want an easier time of social stuff and pretend I'm a girl without a mic
@@Redd_Nebula not sure if you want to extrapolate “everything social” being easier for women based on your experience LARPing as one sometimes online. Women go through a lot of garbage socially and so do we. It just happens to be a different kind of garbage.
@@jcnot9712 a few toxic people spreading false rumours are far easier to deal with compared to being completely ignored or treated like a monster by most people
@@Redd_Nebulabut have you experienced that? You were pretending to be someone youre not, of course it wouldn’t matter to you what people thought of this persona you were putting on. Theres no stakes. These are random people online, you’ll never meet again, who aren’t even interacting with you, but rather some fake girl. Not that i think a few false rumours is all women experience, they have like a safety element to think about too when it comes to people stronger than them. Ig we do too but there’s a lot less people stronger than us who would also be interested in taking advantage of us, so ik i don’t think about that.
It’s never took late to live the life you dreamt of. If the one that turned out is not great…It just takes work. Learning how to do things in a new way, is a start. Much love
I hate how anger is seen as the bad emotion. If you're sad and cry you get sympathy, but if you're angry you have to calm down. It's "be in touch with your emotions unless I don't like the emotion"
Extreme negative emotions boils to two reaction: Sadness which becomes cry and anger which becomes rage. Usually personality decides which is prefered by person or as said... peer pressure - because as animals we got choice how we act. Later on it's get imprinted as default reaction in adult age. Why there are no sensitive men? Because you don't allow them to exist. Simple as that.
I don't think it's only that we're expected to feel only anger, but in some cases that happens naturally from life experiences. If you get into a cycle of always being angry, it can be difficult to break because angry is the only thing that feels normal.
As someone who was bullied, anger was never on the mind. Ignoring it was the best I could do. Going to school staff, my parents, the only time anyone ever took action was when one of the kids doing the bullying broke part of school property. No one ever told me that I was supposed to only display anger or don't show other emotions. But it's like my mother said "We all deserve better parents than we got."
Ive recognized this when I was like 12 years old and, because i didnt want to be "the angry kid", and was too weak or shy to fight back people bullying me, Ive gotten aware of what emotions i can show and which not, but tbh, as a boy or man, society judges you for showing any emotion at all, doesnt matter which one. The only thing you can do is run away from conflict
Relatable, I was brought up in a household where no negative emotions can be expressed in men, so when I expressed anger (with how rare that is) they say I have anger issues and dismiss me. Stunting emotional development and when it came to school, they called me a robot and npc for not being expressive. They will not let you win
I used to cry easily as a kid when was confronted with hostility. I learned to suppress it and I now express it as anger and indignation, but the feeling inside is exactly the same. This doc is a genius.
While this is true, female anger is also frowned upon, because it's seen as "inappropriate". You can see that every time, a woman - regardless if she is rightfully angry or not - is called a Karen.
I like that Dr K understands men's issues and spreads awareness while still condemning the actions the men take. The actions are bad but bad for a reason and the reason should be talked about.
Another side of this is angry men can and do change the world and have done throughout history. Those in control don't want this obviously so they want neutered men.
Cinema therapy made a great video about this with hulk as an example. How men are afraid of being viewed as this angry monster but how do keep that from happening when you never learned to handle your emotions
I’ve listened to this album countless times and something I had never noticed until you mentioned it is where “so you want to be a superhero”’s chords resolve. It’s tense, it lingers, it’s wrestling the whole song, but resolves right before she states she might be leaving soon, as if she made up her mind to end her life right then
For me anger is the most prohibited emotion BECAUSE I’m a man. We’re stronger and our male’s anger is more dangerous and scarier than female’s so I’m not allowed to express my anger at anyone. Since childhood I think like this, I was always ashamed to be angry and let it out on others. And to this day I still don’t know how to express my anger the right way.
Dude same, I feel like I'm not allowed to express any sign of anger because I feel like I want to cry after that, I don't know how I Will behave if can't hold back anymore 😔
You gotta turn the anger into art or something athletic/physical. We can be angry, it’s how you release it. Releasing it in others is not ok, as that just passes the anger while you still hold it. You really have to “step outside of yourself. “ I dunno , I hope I didn’t sound preachy, it’s just what my experience has been.
Thanks for sharing your experience! I actually train systematically and play guitar (sometimes piano also), never really thought about it, but maybe it helps! But what I know for sure, listening to metal helps me to release my anger 100% ) By still I was talking about expressing my anger exactly towards other people in some kind of proper, ecological way. Because I know there is this way of expressing it and I want to learn how to do it
I am a female brought up in a household where absolutely no emotions were allowed except guilt and gratitude towards the narcissistic parents. They never took my emotions seriously when I cried. They laughed and said I was just a kid, which made me angry. Then they said I have anger issues. Which made me want to beat them. Then they again laughed and called me violent which is a ‘horrible trait’ to have. They said I will end up in jail. So I had blackout rage moments. Yes life is hard. Sometimes I don’t even know why I’m angry/ hurt. After intense thinking I find the trigger. Anger being allowed feels like a privilege to me honestly.
I hate that when I see a channel like this that’s openly talking about men’s health issues, my immediate assumption is that it’s far-right propaganda. It makes a lot of sense that with how “with us 100% or we consider you against us” things have become these days that young men are turning to these groups since they’re the only ones making them feel seen. We need more of this type of discourse to reach the mainstream.
"my immediate assumption is that it’s far-right propaganda" - it's conditioning by leftist media, feminists, etc. These media, feminists, etc. still have the nerve to say "it's about all genders!" and "We live in patriarchy! We are oppressed! Media is against us! we are against the system".
It's also mostly just more anger, using it to cause conflict and exploiting that for their own gain. When men feel unwelcome they will go to any place that gives them a voice.
Hes right. A good woman would let her man have a good cry when they need it. Oh my. My man i hooe i loved him so much at that time. I hope i did. Hes gone now but loved him so much. A beautiful soul.
It's not women preventing men from feeling their emotions, It starts way before they even get into a relationship. It starts at their fathers, their peers and culture.
Just to add a slight clarification for the bullying bit. Bullying doesn't turn to misogyny, bullying turns the victim into a misanthrope. The best mindset. The misanthrope does not judge, they just hate.
Everybody in the comments finding certain groups and people to blame, you're missing the point. Blame cannot enact change here, and it has to be let go before any progress can be made.
Cept theres actually people out there who say stuff like men shouldnt have emotions & poor people dont deserve an education, & then ot turns out they work for the state or government. So there are a select few who can be blamed. Have fun doing hundreds of hours of research to make sure you dont unfairly blame the wrong ones tho.
I guess slaves shouldn't have "blamed" their owners, because blame doesn't enact change. I guess women shouldn't have "blamed" the patriarchy, because blame doesn't enact change. Oh wait.
noone properly learns to deal with anger, and that's a problem. Neither men nor women learn how to cope. We don't learn that going for a run help or physical movement, journaling, breathing techniques etc help. That's why so many men go to the gym. Because it helps you deal with negative emotions like anger
It's socially acceptable to beat yourself up. There's real consequences in that though. See the suicide figures, the drug addictions. Gym doesn't solve all problems, just distracts.
It was like a broken record growing up. Every time I told my teachers about bullies harassing me they'd say to ignore it. Then I'd tell my parents and they'd say ignore it. Then I'd find myself having to defend myself because it'd escalate to the point of doing real physical harm and I'd get in trouble for starting a fight even though I went through all the channels to warn about the situation.
Then you get in trouble because the bullyings' been normalised by everyone now, changing that is disrupting the hierarchy status quo and "entertainment" of schadenfreude bystanders.
And with women, anger is the one emotion we're not ALLOWED to express. Weird irony. Why can't all of us just express all our emotions freely? Well, I know WHY, but it still sucks
When I got into my late teens and early 20's, I tended to show my anger way more than I should have. I would get violently angry, but stop short because I had seen what violence does to the people you love. So, I would break down when I got too angry, and start having a panic attack instead. Talk about a quick way to build up self-hatred, getting angry enough to want to destroy everything around you but not be willing to hurt anyone.. You start to assume it's weakness rather than control, so the anger becomes directed at yourself. It took my yeeeears of coming to terms with it all, but eventually I found a way to work it all out in my head. That's not to say I don't get to that point of anger any more, but I'm at a place where I either understand it's not right.. Or someone really fucked up, and I deserve to be angry for the moment, in a safe and non-violent way.
I swear, I've mentioned this encounter so often in comments, but when I was in middle school, I had one if thise bouncing rubber balls on a string. Some would light up as they bounce, others just were cool colors. Mine was just a yellow smiley face. I felt so cool coming into school with mine, and was showing it off in between classes. As I was bouncing it, some of the water inside squirted out. The base began to separate from the string. There was a girl walking by as it happened and she got wet. As I go to say sorry, bam. She slaps the shit out of me, turns around, and walks the fuck off. A small pursuit ensues, to which I catch up to her in our home room, and as I grab her by the wrists, our female homeroom teacher grabs ME and tells ME "to keep my hands to myself" Despite me telling her "she slapped the shit out if me" Despite my obviously red cheek from being slapped And despite not even asking either if us wtf happened? Tell me, what does that teach young boys about their anger and feeling as though they have been wronged?
It would be weird to not feel anger if someone is pissing you off, no? XD Like, I'm 30+ and every year I have less and less reasons to feel any positive emotions.
We can get in a weird loop of wasting time and energy on beeing and getting angry. We have a limited time on earth, why waste it on something that useless?
@@alxk3995 It functions similarly to crying. Primarily to get attention to a problem, but secondarily to get your emotions out of the way. You'll find that you can think more clearly after an outburst than when you were "calm" previously, because all those feelings were building up at the time.
i think dr k once said that there is a scientific study that in it the brain activity scan showed that the brain feels emotions when patients reported that they dont feel anything. meaning that you have trained yourself to not be conscious of your emotions not to turn off your emotions.
Anger isn't really an emotion to begin with. As Dr K says, it's an umbrella. Not feeling it at all isn't healthy, though, that means you can't figure out the root- meaning you can't track the appropriate response. Apathy is a signal for depression, possibly PTSD. If you're a teenager or child, you'll likely overcome it as your brain develops enough to process what you're going through- emotions are primarily handled by the prefrontal cortex, which won't fully develop until mid-late 20's. However, apathy as a teenager can be a warning that you're suffering from C-PTSD, so make sure to get checked for that. If you grow out of that apathy without having addressed the trauma, it's all going to crush you when your brain's at the point it can finally deal with it. You may also have a traumatic brain injury to your frontal lobe, which will undoubtedly get worse in your 20's so absolutely get a therapist if this is the case. If you are not a teenager/child, and this set in during adulthood without PTSD, it's depression. Could be a physical ailment, stress, unsafe environment, or trauma. Even chronic pain like fibromyalgia can cause you to supress your emotions. Pain is pain, physical or mental, so when trying to cope with one you may find yourself tuning out of the other, as well. Could even be ADHD causing the depression. Either way, therapy is warranted. Not a therapist myself, just someone dealing with all of the above. Somehow the only thing I don't have is a serotonin imbalance, lol.
Yea, it feels like anger is the only acceptable emotion. You can see this in media too, where the anger is potrayed in a positive, strong, manly way. Like John Wick, or Blue Lock, for example.
as not a man i think crying is awesome and everyone should allow themselves to cry more. it's actually great way to release your emotions and not keep it all bottled up in your head. if you don't cry much it may be hard but you'll get it eventually
The key point is not that men are conditioned to only feel and express anger because it's seen as "unmanly" to express other emotions, but because it's the only emotion that draws attention to them and their problems. Women's pain and suffering is treated as important, full stop, and a man's pain and suffering is only as important when his anger about it makes him a threat to himself and others. Also, I believe another commenter mentioned this too, but it's an emotion that gets you results for yourself instead of expressing your pain to someone so they can solve your problem for you. You have to solve your own problems when others don't treat them like they're important until they absolutely have to.
Not rly true about women’s pain and suffering seen as more important. Actually it’s usually discounted especially if you look into how women aren’t properly diagnosed or treated seriously by doctors. I don’t think it needs to be an either or thing. Men are told not to be vulnerable and to hide emotions which sucks and should be addressed but that doesn’t inherently mean that women are taken seriously either just that it is viewed as acceptable for them to show emotion.
If you take all of society on the whole instead of cherrypicking examples, women's concerns are taken more seriously and given more attention, without question. I could curate a list of examples myself, like the erasure of men as victims and women as perpetrators of domestic violence to create a gendered narrative, or the massive disparity in funding for domestic violence victim services for men vs women, or the silence on the status of the opioid crisis, suicide, and other deaths of despair like alcoholism as gendered mental health issues that disproportionately affect men, or about silence on disparities in workplace injuries or deaths by gender or how education in the West is failing boys at every level, but the TH-cam comments section isn't the place to get into it. What I will definitely say is that it's absolutely ridiculous to suggest that women's issues aren't taken more seriously than men's; the evidence is everywhere and plain to see for anyone with eyes. I'm still waiting on International Men's Day to be picked up by mainstream media as a means to talk about these things, but the very idea is still a joke to everyone apparently so I'm not holding my breath.
@@TheNymanator Exactly. I saw other comments by @ianjames8140 under this video, and he is clearly biased towards women, like typical feminist (most probably male feminist in this case). He always writes in this sense of "And what about women? Women don't have it any better, because patriarchy".
The most useful combat for this is to find friends with the right ideals. They don't gotta be perfect, but they still gotta be good hearted, therefore you can all check each other for these problems
That’s exactly why patriarchy is a problem. A patriarchal society has set expectations for both genders that negatively impacts everyone. For me it’s anger and no emotions, for women it’s sadness and emotions are blamed. Nobody gets their worth of happiness, respect and freedom when patriarchy tells the rules of the game.
growing up in school i was always picked on, so much do a degree that it caused some bad mental health for me. i was never allowed to fight back, or even say anything back or else i became the perpetrator. all i could do was bottle my anger and lash out every few months. which caused some serious anger issues for me. lately ive been working on my reasoning and rationality to guide my actions. i used to get pissed off because the person driving in front of me was swaying back and forth between the lines on the road, now i laugh at them.
Now before some dumbass nihilist says anything, this video is meant to be a call to action not an “it’s joever “ thing. Become aware of your emotions and address them
We live in such a violence and direct-action negative society that we learn to deal with our external problems internally (shutting ourselves out of even processing them)
As a professional man, with many decades of experience, I can confirm that. But also, what's the percentage of women that think that a vulnerable man is normal? Less than the majority, let me tell you that. All genders are brought up with the same stereotypes
I don't know, all of these came to me naturally I've never been conditioned or tought to be the way I am. I don't feel anything except for disappointment, frustration, temporary shock, disbelief or excitement, I've always been solution minded even before I knew masculinity/toxic masculinity and the language around it. At age 27 I still believe that these things come naturally to men and not a matter of conditioning. I've seen really close loved ones pass away from illness and I couldn't even feel sad or force a tear, there was shock for a few minutes yes but it is immediately followed by thoughts of the work that lies ahead regarding the funeral and family and thoughts of how this new reality is gona be without that person but no sadness. I use to always think I'm going to atleast miss this person later or cry later but nut nothing, haven't teared since I was a little child and I promise I'm not suppressing anything, I think there is an expectation of how men are supposed to react and that expectation is their supposed to be emotional, we should understand that it's not for everyone.when I was a teen I use to get impatient with people who were feeling sadness or couldn't get over things but I'm mature now and I understand that we're different.
I think it’s worth noting that it’s other men imposing this on men for the most part. It’s really hard to see, as a woman. You often just want to give them a hug when it happens and tell them it’ll be okay, but you know that would usually make them feel worse and like less of a “man”
@@mymuaic889 What he’s talking about is other men and boys, girls rarely bully boys in general and especially in that way. Mothers and woman teachers tend not to tell boys to not show their emotions, or of the few that do, they treat girls like that equally because they’re just uncomfortable with emotions in general
I'm pretty sure that the men who feel less like one when hugged have a poor perspective on masculinity. Think about it: Do you think a masculine man can't enjoy a little hug? How about a strong and competent father spending time with his children?
We all get affected by this sh*t. I'm really glad I see many people here recognizing the effects of this roles are messed up for both sides. Let's hope we can recognize that the way we change this is together
As someone who got severely bullied up to the physical level... I don't completely agree with his statement... If there is one thing I understood is that anger is pretty much like a drug for bullies, they love to see people getting angry due to their actions.. So? what is the solution? Don't give them the satisfaction to see your anger. Instead, show them kindness in return, give them the other cheek... Once their satisfaction dies down, guilt will kick in, and that is your opportunity to rule over them. That's how I turned my bullies into my bodyguards...
Blaming the patriarchy is basically victim-blaming. A disgusting tactic used to tell men to zip it, because by that logic, we are responsible for our own suffering AND women's suffering.
I understand what he’s saying but he’s taking the responsibility away from people saying misogynistic things and blaming it on “my upbringing” or “society”. I do agree with the anger part but towards women. I’ve been broken up with and cheated on and been really mad but I also don’t go on the internet and say horrible shit about women. Stop absolving people of their responsibility.
He likely clarifies more in the full video, although I haven’t seen it so I’m not sure. But Dr K isn’t usually one to take away all responsibility from someone. It’s just an explanation.
He's not, he's humanizing and explaining what's behind the emotion. Misogyny is already a popular term. Angry males in the internet mad at women are already heavily scrutinized by all. Understanding why brings insight which leads to healing through a different approach. We all know it's wrong (more or less), this is how you actually create change.
You were a kid then and an adult now How I was raised and brought up doesn’t cause bigotry as a grown ass adult. Your not to blame for your upbringing but you are responsible as an adult to be accountable and do the mental work Boohoo we all have our shit. It doesn’t justify hatred, resentment , &/or lack of basic empathy towards half the population of the planet demographic
So happy to hear someone say this and lots of people see it. Ive been thinking this for years. Not to mention if you play sport like football as a boy they literally say to you "GET MAD" "YOURE GONNA TAKE HIS HEAD OFF" etc etc. literally encouraging and wanting you to be enraged and violent. Then youre 23 years old and angry at literally everything and dont play sports anymore
… never heard that one before, you’re really making strides here (i’m lying to you). Fr tho what does it matter where it came from, like stay on topic bro.
Except THIS society keeps making those men even more and it, by definition, isn't a patriarchy. Patriarchy = system, when only men participate in governance. 1. There is no such system found in the Western world today. 2. By blaming patriarchy, you are saying only men are to blame for this, yet women enforce these ridiculous standards far more. Think of it this way: if your male friends see you crying, would they laugh at you (because their evil maleness compells them to), or would they support you and help you?
In kindergarten one of the teachers legit called me a "tattletale" for coming to them cause I was being bullied. And then next time I got bullied I beat the kid who bullied me, and got suspended for that. Imagine what that does to a child's brain. Getting told what you did is wrong no matter what you do.
It teaches both the bullies and the bullied that governmental authority is itself just an untrustworthy bully.
@@kirkdarling4120 good point actually. I wonder if that teacher is part of the reason why I became an extremist libertarian.
Yup. My son is being picked on by a girl in his class.
When he’s explaining it to me and I didn’t t know it was a girl I was telling him to tell the teacher, walk away, and all the crap.
But after a bit I finally told him if it wasn’t going to stop like that then he was allowed to defend himself.
The he said ‘she’s for the first time instead of ‘bully’ and for a second I had pause.
Then I realized, this little brat thinks she can punch, spit, and pull hair? Teacher won’t do anything because she apparently doesn’t see it? Or maybe doesn’t believe it?
Then if this girl keeps going give her one. I mean wtf is the difference? I’m not going to have him picked on.
And if nobody will believe it, I’m damn sure saying now he will not be in trouble. Not at home, and damned well not at school.
If o get the call he punched her (not that I want it to happen I’d rather her back off) but I will tell them flat out he is not to be punished, and if they do fuck that he’s out of that school.
And thing is I like the admin there, talked to the principal and vice principal etc.
But if he’s punished for standing up for himself after they’ve all had several warning what am I supposed to do?
Let alone hitting him, throwing his lunch on the floor, telling him “you make me feel sick to look at you I want to vomit” like wtf man I’m not going to have my kid be degraded like this.
But he’s a boy, she’s a girl….. just wouldn’t happen that way would it? Not in the eyes of the female staff I kind of think at this point.
Exactly the same. Ganged up on, the only dark skinned kid in school.. teacher on duty "don't tell tales"
If you talk to the teacher about being bullied they blame you. “It takes two people to have an argument,” is a common line. Like, yeah, there were 6 of them and they hunted me down trying to read a book in the art block on lunch and hit me with a chair. “Well you must have said something, there are 6 of them and they all say you started it.”
Teachers are the most stupid people I ever had the misfortune to be forced to listen to.
Oh my god "Well they said you started it" just triggered me so bad. Like no fucking shit their friends are going to take their side and help them fabricate lies 😤
It amazes me how 2nd graders often have more logical prowess than teachers. Proof collecting pieces of paper dosent substitute a functional brain
I'm so sorry you had to deal with teachers like that
If you smart in some field you become a scientist in that field.
If you ok in some field, obey like a dog and dont ask questions you become a teacher.
@@zerogravity8982 so university is better for children then..., the teachers requirements is also having published a novel research and being paid like the military, while being guided by evidence based teaching(teaching method best supported by science and facts)
why do you(america) spend that much money "defending" yourself, rather than "improving" yourself, a better you is a better defender lol
"Men should really express their emotions more."
*man expresses emotions and starts to cry*
"Wow, what a pathetic loser."
Yep - any emotion displayed beyond anger is weaponized against you at a later date like reading a court transcript. By relegating anger as the only emotion men are "allowed" to display - it is used to judge, restrict and isolate based on "toxic" anger instead of understanding that anger is a secondary emotion based on something else. Women do this constantly. Display anger - you are a bad man, display anything else - you are a simp and no longer attracted to you. You can't win, other than stop giving 2 sh*ts what anyone (including your Wife) thinks.
Yep, and I ended up in a 10-year relationship (uncluding marriage & having a child together) which ended, mainly, because I was, apparently, not allowed to feel anger at all.
I was, apparently, just supposed to grin & bare anything that happened whatsoever, no matter how badly it screwed me over and/or how much of an insult it was to my character and/or integrity.
"Just man up and stop being pathetic!" This shit is so sexist it makes my blood boil
I have have not personally experienced this--and thank God! But I know a few too many people who have. Ironically, it pisses me off.
@@thomaspetrucka9173 lucky you, I remember as young as 9 years old being told to "man up" and "stop being pathetic". I had a stuffed doll I found when I was 5 and I would sleep with it for comfort. My aunt thought this was appalling and that I shouldn't be allowed to do that because I was a young man and it would make me weak. Bro I was 5.
"Society creates the monsters they complain about" - Joker
And he’s right, sadly
Real
A perk of living alone: being able to cry freely as a man without judgment. Sometimes a good cry does a lot of good even if it does nothing to fix problems--much more therapeutic than anger.
couldn't agree more. my personal routine is anger --> exercise with problems i can fix, as it gets me through the situation and a good workout makes me feel capable to deal with it. cry --> listen to/play music with serious problems i can't fix. helps to deal with it all yk?
Crying is underrated but so important, it helps me too as a man to vent out all the pain.
your brain release's endorphins when you have a good cry, it definitely helps alot
Yes fr.
I wish I could cry. It took an accidental epilepsy meds overdose and night of sleeplessness to release years of repressed emotions excessively down my face for half a day. I don't recommend that method, side effects of paranoid delusions.
That makes sense. I got rid of all my emotions except anger, and then got overwhelmed by anger. I cut out anger... and then I became a void for a while.
definitely understand the void part, I don't feel anything genuine anymore
Always better void than anxious, I say
As children, most of our upbringing is built on learning. We're taught how to respond, how to feel, what to do and what not to do.
As we grow older and mature, we shape ourselves into these teachings and our environment. It's what sets us aside and makes us unique, because everyone's circumstances are always different.
When you're told as an adult to not act a certain way, or feeling this way is problematic, your natural instinct is to either disregard that advise or find an alternative means of thinking.
So what else are most men meant to do when anger is all they know? We're told by social media and the masses that men + being emotional = feminine.
It isn't.
Controlling your emotions in a healthy manner is masculine. Find yourself good role-models to surround yourself with, do things that require you to act. Learn from those older than you, but make the mental assessment of determining right from wrong. Therapy might be different for most men, but it all starts with admittance and contemplation. One of the strongest things you can do as a man is learn an alternative way of thinking to a typically self-destructive mindset.
@awildfisk "learn an alternative way of thinking to a typically self-destructive mindset."
U basically just described bpd in a nutshell, at least from my experience. Except I wouldn't say it's a self destructive mindset it's more of a self destructive pattern for me. I feel like every relationship I've touched in the past it just shatters into pieces.
I liked your comment and I totally agree.
@@bezimen1the void runs the anxiety. The void has no ups and downs so when you have to go out that comfort zone, you reach for the void. I don’t need the ups that come with it, because I don’t want the downs
I went through this. I was heavily bullied by my classmates and teachers. When I tried to ask for help, adults laughed at me and told me that I wasn't manly and a baby for talking about my feelings and just overall disregarding my problems. Almost 10 years of that made me shut everything out.
You need to know that you did the right thing. You're a conqueror for being able to endure 10 years of that despicable behaviour & still you didn't give up after voicing your concerns. You even had insult added to injury by getting laughed at for it & yet you kept going. As far as I'm concerned the teachers & adults that you went to for help are as bad as the bullies that were causing you grief because of the psychic injury they knew would happen to you. It's because of the pieces of shit teachers that you went to for help & they did nothing that mandatory reporting laws were forced on ALL teachers.
Sorry to hear that mate.
@@carpathianken I don’t feel like I did the right thing. I feel like I should’ve fought back. Like I should’ve become the bully. That I should’ve hit them back far harder than they ever hit me. I feel like by not doing that, I let it happen. And by letting it happen I lost my masculinity and humanity. I feel like it was my fault
@@carpathianken yeah it's honestly amazing I didn't turn out worse. But I do have a lot of issues with trust and abandonment. Covid messed me up so things went south very quickly ultimately so I needed to take emergency mental health services. (I was also gaslit into thinking therapy was a waste of time and money hence me not taking it sooner (tho I should have))
@@murphsviews Thanks I appreciate it. I'm just hanging in there.
This is why I love my mother so much. There is no shoulder that can I cry my grown ass out other than hers.
That's awesome
I held my husband more than once while he cried and I can't llove him more for open up like this. He can do this whenever he wants. I was soo pissed when he's grandfather dide and he didn't cryes. But I didn't pressed him. Had a moment a the funeral, but that was it.
she is using that, to manipulate you and sabotage you.
@@eddavons0690Bless this man's mother and bless you for that. That's simply f-ing amazing. Thank you for letting him be able to open up to you and not ashamed.
Thank you so much for raising awareness of this, society keeps saying Men are toxic but it's the same society who makes them that way 😢
Talking goes a long way. I think men and women have such different perspectives on things that we have no idea what the other person is dealing with.
I don't really think anything should be "for" some specific gender, but least of all emotion. Do and feel however feels authentic regardless of gender.
When one side gets angry and the other side refuses to take accountability, it just makes the first side even angrier! You can see how this is a horrible situation to find ones self in..@@kapelski104
Well there are bunch of guys on social media who embrace this. so yah it's the society but definitely the "alpha" men on social media play a role in it😂😂
@@personand That not most men. In every group you could find individuals who behave in a way that makes their groups life harder. We still shouldn't think in a "you did this to yourself" kind of way.
Woww
I have at least 3 friends over the years tell me that their gf told them it was ok to cry in front of them, and when they did the relationship ended within a month. Nothing wrong to over in the span of days, now i cant say it was 100% that one moment, but i know for a fact not a single one will ever do that again no matter what they are told
As a man, we can cry in front of our mothers and grandmothers, if we are lucky
Yep, dont listen to people who say its "other men" forcing this on us. It's beacuse we want to be attractive to you know who, and they dont like it when we cry. End of story. It's them.
@@sunkintree Exactly. It's mostly women's fault, they were always like that ("Man up! You are pathetic, if you can hunt down that mammoth!"), but small group of men in power that want to control men too (like being obedient servants, giving up men's life to die in war for politicians, etc.).
@@BofaDeez77781 When I did that as a child I was told to shut up and go do work.
Women like the opposite they say...
They say: we like emotional men
Real life: they prefer the coldest ones
They say: we like polite and quiet men
Real life: they prefer the agressive ones
And the list goes on and on...
I can't be agressive and I don't try to emulate a person I'm not. But one thing I learned from my first marriage, don't let your wife/girlfriend see you crying, it'll make a very problematic twist on her mind, she probably unconsciously begins to think you're less man. Why do I have this theory? 1 month after my first cry she started cheating... My current wife never saw I cry and the way she thinks about my masculinity remains the same...
You don't need to be stupid, agressive or a toxic male. But never let your wife/girlfriend see you crying, just an advice...
A psychologist who was a friend of mine several years ago once told me that among 5 people who take their own lives, 4 are men and 1 is a woman. The reason this happens is because men are not allowed to express or talk about their feelings, so they don't ask for help.
I had a friend who had a cousin who went through exactly that. He had troubles, didn't ask for help or talk to anyone, not even his close friends about what was happening to him, and he ended up taking his own life. As a woman, I couldn't understand why until now. This is extremely concerning. Western society is incredibly toxic about men's feelings. I think we have to change this. If I see men crying (because they have a real problem), I don't laugh at them or attack them. Instead, I let them, and I think they are being brave because they are showing their feelings despite everything. They are human beings and have the right to have feelings and talk about them. Please, let's stop that "men don't cry" nonsense.
It's just not western societies, in some other countries it's even more stigmatized. Heck, I can't even cry anymore even if I want to.
@@Kunigunda897 Well, yeah, you are right. I don´t know how things are in Russia for example. Men over there don´t look very open up to share their feelings at all, but IDK.
I mean, in asian cultures, like korean, I´ve seen men behaving differently from western men. They speak more openly about their feelings, cry in front of others and don´t feel so SO ashamed about it. They are even allowed to show affection to male friends and that is totally normal and accepted in their culture.
I really don't know how an entire generation missed the point of 'boys don't cry'
it's not that you're not supposed to have emotions, its that you're supposed to channel those emotions into action.
When I feel bad, I don't cry- I find something to do; you've been raised to say this is repression, but i can tell you that action exercises negative emotions from you.
@@asdfbeauwhat you described is repression. Congrats you've managed to deluded yourself into thinking that distracting yourself is a valid form emotional processing.
@goldenhospitality8521 Not at all, he’s right. Men didn’t cry because they had other outlets. They were far happier when they were doing things like playing sport or hanging out with each other at bars than they are today being weepy on the internet. It simply isn’t the best way for most men regulate their emotions, society has nothing to do with it.
Tbh I've had the opposite issue, where from a young age I learned that anger was useless, so I ended up just avoiding confrontation altogether. Can't remember the last time I actually felt angry and not even sure what it feels like anymore. Same for most other emotions except maybe fear.
I struggle with the same. I was bullied when I was little and I was really frail (anorexic) so I never allowed myself to feel angry. But now I'm a big guy, I know martial arts, but I don't allow myself to feel anger because I fear what I might do.
Suppress your anger because anger makes you direct your pain to others
OP sounds like a ticking time bomb.
cuz you are either lying to us, lying to yourself or both.
at any rate, you DO get angry, you DO feel anger, whether or not you address it or acknowledge it is a different thing altogether
people who explode on the spot, from being mad, i'm fine with that to a degree. easy to cut them out.
but its the one who never says anything, never shows their anger and when they do, its typically over-the-top which typically leads to murder, an attempt to, mass murder, rampage, etc.
get help asap
it could be alexithymia or something, idk. I'm just too numb these days. apathetic and indifferent. wasn't trying to lie. I honestly don't know what it feels like to be angry anymore and can't imagine ever intentionally hurting someone. that being said I'm in the process of getting professional help again, but there are long waiting times unfortunately.
I honestly dont know the cause, but i experience this too, altough not always. I am supposed to be angry? There comes fear. Like leg trembling chest aching fear. And i dont know why.
I remember complaining to my father about something my sister did, and he said i should've done something about it. So i damaged one of her toys, and he said i should've done something about it right after, and not a lot after. So i should angry and not think a lot about things. Tx! This is the same guy who told me I could jump from a tree, because he would catch me, and then purposefully didn't catch me, to teach me not to trust anyone.
So he basically tried to teach you to be abusive (breaking someone's belongings on purpose as punishment) and to distrust everyone? I hope you're recovering well.
To much distrust is one reason why we have world wars and not a lot of world peace.
That seems like sociopath behavior.
What was your father's father like? If you met him that is.
@@Cpt_John_Price wars aren't about trust, they are about greed. Greed for resources and power.
I have found the reverse to also be true. They don't take you seriously if you express other emotions. The only way to get their attention is to get pissed off.
And then you are a "bad" person - because they won't respect anything except power, and then they hate you for it.
By they do you mean women?
Totally true. As a woman on the other hand, I've felt many times exactly the opposite. I found that I automatocally routed my anger into sadness because it is more socially acceptable for a woman to be sad rather than angry. Emotional intelligence and the ability to recognize and control one's emotions is something that all kids should learn regardless ot gender.
True
We all get effed by this.
I'm male, but noticed what you described in all of my female friends.
Don't forget to be careful not to let yourself cry in front of authority figures (or these days, just about anyone) because then you're "being manipulative".
Yes
This is why sexism has always been a double edged sword with no handle. No one comes out on top and everyone loses.
True. It's almost as if both men and women are being psyopped on the regular into hating each other.
@@Thelostcupthat's was since ancient times (I did alot of research)
People forget that when academic feminists originally wrote about the concept of patriarchy, they identify how it’s oppressive to both men and women. At its most extreme makes men a disposable resource and women domestic slaves. Modern progressives have forgotten this unfortunately
le sexisme is bad because....because IT JUST IS OKAY?
The rich come out on top
The thing about demonising anger hits really hard. Like, even people close to you can completely close their ears when you feel anger, like you can even get some compassion for sadness but if you are ever angry at anything ever than you become some dangerous animal
If the person doesn't know how to deal with their anger then they could lash out and hit you. When people in my life have broken things or been destructive it was when they were angry. I wish boys were raised to be allowed to feel more than anger because other emotions aren't making me worry for my safety. It's easier to deal with someone else's emotions if I don't have to worry about me.
My dad and I are often in similar states dealing with the exact same situations at the same time. I try my hardest to not take it out on anyone, not get angry, not snap or make things harder for them. But then he sees that as me being wide open for him to lash out. We do talk it through, he's not violent and I do my best to be level headed. ButI don't have the energy to be compassionate, either. I have to put in so much more effort as the woman, to keep him calm and stable- while he vents his anger at me. At the same time, he's able to go play video games to get the aggression out while I'm trapped in bed with a severe migraine- trying not to cry, because he takes that as me being manipulative and victim blaming. I love my dad dearly and understand where his instability comes from. Head injuries and PTSD don't do him any favors- but I have both of those, too. I'm basically his therapist, no matter how many times I beg him to go to therapy, he just will not take the step of going to an appointment. He is trying to get better, but honestly his progress has been making him worse, lately. He's been using what he's been learning as excuses for his actions, rather than just explanations that should be brought to a therapist to work out. Now we know his mother was a narcissist and bi polar runs in our family, so he's allowed to display the side effects of being raised by a bi-polar narcissist, and me not accommodating by playing therapist and being an emotional punching bag is cruel. Regardless of how I don't have any support at all. I literally got kicked out of therapy and told I couldn't make progress until I moved away from him. My 'brother' (now woman, but was male for my whole childhood) also used to beat the f out of me growing up, so I do get terrified of any displays of aggression- she stopped the physical violence only after she realized my threats to call police weren't empty. But I still have to hold my negative feelings back, because my PTSD responses are unhelpful.
I'm sure you're not meaning to say this is okay, but I think it's important both sides have compassion, because the other might not have the capacity to deal with that anger. I have known many women worse than these two, at least my family tries, more than I can say for those women who feel entitled to their anger but don't believe men are.
It‘s okay to feel anger. It‘s not okay to scream, break stuff, hit people because you‘re angry. That‘s why people should learn to recognize their emotion, try to control it with things like breathing or wait to let it pass if they can‘t control it in the moment, and then communicate what made them angry and why. Another part is learning to recognize when the anger is hiding shame, fear, hurt, sadness etc. and learning to communicate that. We all want to be understood, but people will not understand you if you don‘t even know what you‘re feeling and can‘t express it. And expressing it does not mean crying all the time if you‘re not comfortable with that. Crying ca be a powerful release but recognizing sadness and just stating you‘re sad can go a long way with people understanding you and trying to meet your needs.
I know it‘s difficult to learn these thing if you have been conditioned not to show any emotion, but it will be very beneficial once you do and you won‘t feel demonized anymore once you stop lashing out in anger.
Not to mention there are people that will emasculate you for feeling anything other than anger. Get your feelings hurt? They question your manhood for being "sensitive." So we often learn that anger is the only emotion they respect, not realizing they're creating the monster they fear by shunning his other emotions.
@@sprigganpanda but you see how unfair it is for someone that knows you to simply start treating you differently when you are angry? People that know I'm not violent did that to me. I never hit anyone, never got into a fight, but the moment I feel anger, all my reasons become invalid doesn't matter how I expressed my anger. People here talking about boys being told to only feel anger, but my point is that that's not everyone's case and sometimes you are not sad or anxious, or are just angry, but then your anger is not a safe emotion to talk about. You are ever angry, that's just toxic, with all the hatred in this world your tiny drop of anger in this ocean of blood couldn't possibly make sense, repress your anger otherwise you are a monster
I wonder if it's also because anger is the only emotion that will actually make people pay attention to a man's problem. Fear, shame and sadness make people pay attention only if they already care. If you're angry either they will pay attention to what you're saying or you will make them pay.
Anger is also the only emotion that will get you through a problem by yourself. So again if others don't pay attention to you, fear shame and sadness are useless.
I don’t think it’s because anger is the only emotion that makes people pay attention, because I don’t think anger makes people pay attention. Anger is the emotion that people are scared of, it makes people want to run away, to escape and not interact with you. If that’s your goal, ig you’d have succeeded. But when is that your goal? When is that your goal, when the alternative emotions are fear and sadness and shame?
@@spook6394 I don't think you understand my point.
Let's say you have a teenager and two parents who don't truly pay attention to him.
If he has a problem, and he expresses shame, fear or sadness, they can make sympathetic noises, tell him it's gonna be alright, then continue ignoring him.
If he's angry, shouts, breaks things, his parents will not have the choice to ignore him. The resolution might not be ideal, but the teenager will feel vindicated either because his parents are now motivated to resolve his problem, or at least he made them pay for ignoring him.
@@thomaslacroix6011 thats true, the parents are the problem, the world didn't care... compassion missing,
It's why programs like sensitivity training are nessecary,
Either the parents are too lazy, too tired or thought having a kid was easy,
Anger might backfire though, some parents are not as sane? as others, (violence and abusive)
It's a systemic problem really, the world really need to care more
Teenager only exist in recent times, It was made when older children have their own money that the group teenager exist,
They also need more social groups to fallback on, as relying on parents or older people alone might not be enough or ideal, sometimes our friends care more for us than parents ever will,really good friends even fight for us
However anger drives away friends, so yeah it's a pickle for teens
From my experience people actually do care about mens fear, shame or sadness.
That's usually the time at which people strike at you and unleash all their own anger about their lifes and society onto you, when you made the 'mistake' of showing vulnerability and lowering your emotional boundaries, held up only by literal 24/7 rage and mistrust against everything.
Which then further justifies the anger(defense mechanism) and teaches men that showing anything but anger will just make you more abusable.
Acting in anger always gets a reaction or result much better than sadness, shame, or anything else. If a boy is being bullied and shows sadness or shame for it, “get over it kid” “toughen up” “don’t let them push you around like that” that’s what he’s told. That last one especially unintentionally promotes the anger. When people get angry they take action themselves. Clearly the teachers won’t help him. Their parents might not help him. If no one will help him, only he will help himself. If that means he has to command respect or fear from the people he feel has wronged him because no one will help solve his issue or get him through without confrontation then respect and fear is what he will have to get from whoever is causing the issue.
I’ve always noticed, from family, education, strangers, most people really aside from a select few, that until I let them know I could be of danger to them if they continue to do and say whatever they want with me, they don’t respect me and they don’t think twice about how they act with or around me, whether justified or not.
This is not to say anger is the correct emotion to default to, but just adding to why it typically is what men and boys default to. Be nice and good, people will certainly value you and appreciate you, just as much as they’ll see you as disposable and someone they can do whatever they like with. Once they prick themselves on you though suddenly they’re more careful.
I had the complete opposite experience. I grew up with an angry father and had very aggressive tendencies myself that I shut those emotions away and became a gentle person. Not knowing this was equally dangerous in the sense that I was denying a part of my personality that was innately apart of me
Can you elaborate on that?
@@Zillxoz yeah of course. In my opinion, growing up and seeing how aggressiveness did more harm then good I associated that emotion with negativity. So I made sure to shut out any anger or aggression to make sure I didn’t make people feel badly like my father did. The problem is suppressing anger, aggression, or any kind of emotion is never a good thing because then you can’t process it correctly. It gets buried until so much anger builds up to the point where it has to come out at some point and it usually comes out in a very unhealthy way
Having an angry and emotionally unstable father can do that to you. In worst case, you disown your own anger, you dont see it as a part of you anymore, and that can truly make you a dangerous person, you’ve learned that anger is really bad, so you try to discard it totally, but truth is it never goes away, and it is a not a bad «evil» emotion at all, it is as much a healthy emotion.
This is highly relatable to my life, and it's called emotional repression.
Personally wondering why a class about emotions isn't part of standard curriculum yet. Give them tasks and assignments to learn about emotions (management), that should be kept private and only read by the teacher to check that they've done the assignment.
I'm just throwing an idea out here, there are plenty of specialists who could come up with an actually good courseplan for this purpose.
Because there’s no way most teachers are qualified to teach about this without making either 90% of the parents angry or just being really fucking cringe
Not everyone has Dr. K’s degree of qualification.
Its your personal responsibility (and maybe your parents also) systems are not in place to guide you to a “good” life bro
Actually, it was back in the day! Look it up, but this all changed shortly after entering the new era after WW2..
I wonder why
students wouldn’t care. i’d be pissed if i had to take a class like this in school
@@eebbaa5560skill issue. Clearly you need a class like this. 😂
This man is full of compassion; the world needs people who are brimming with compassion. 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿
liar
As a woman I do noticed it's harder to talk feelings with men, and when I want to express feelings the other person would shut down and in a way it also makes it hard for me to work things out. Definitely if we as a society do not learn to healthily deal with our emotions we will end up worsening society altogether
What do you mean end up? You speak as if it isn't already there
When you are taught that you will be punished as a male for expressing anything except anger by your parents, school, then girlfriends, what else is reasonable to expect?
@@genie9845 just a general reflection, not stating anything as is or isn't, and referring to the collective "we" since it has been happening even before our existence
@@CorinthianIvory I also had similar upbringing (but as a female) unfortunately the way we are raised and the way society raises us has contributed to the difficulties in dealing with emotions. But they say that half the battle is in knowing the problem.
I can’t believe I relate to so many of you in this comment section. Keep your head up kings, the fight never ends.
Wow! Most of my adult life I’ve used humor to distract me from pain. Looking back at my youth, I learned to use humor as a defense mechanism against bullies. So I never really got angry, but I also never really released cries.
yeah thats why so many guys take the irony-pill and never actually show their emotions to their friends.
not that using humor to cope is necessarily bad.
@@sourhill2292 "friends", right, lol.
Keep drinking the koolaid sis. It's you.
@@sunkintreei dont understand your point. also im a guy
You guys got to be angry? The only emotion we were allowed where I'm from was obedience. Anger got you immediately isolated.
Throughout my life, I've known myself for having anger issues. When I was young, my family, especially my sister, often pissed me off, and whenever I get mad for their actions, they would blame me and make me feel like the bad guy.
Until this day, the idea that I am the bad guy or the villain has not gone off my mind, especially after my parents criticized everything I did.
Show them the demon they raised
It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me.
At tea time, everybody agrees.
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror.
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero.
Its like everyone wants to ultimately create a moral space for themselves for nobody to violate, when in reality it causes so much more harm to society.
I'm so happy people like you offer help and advice to men as a target audience that's actually good and tangible.
grifter
I never got these lessons myself. I was always taught to express myself no matter what people thought, and yea I was bullied for it. I learned to fight. They did not win. I still express my emotions. And I know there are people out there who agree with me because I have a whole bunch of friends who are similar to me. I do see the struggle though. It takes a lot of strength to be emotionally open.
Growing up, I would get angry about a lot of things I probably didn't need to be angry about. At some point around high school, I decided I didn't want to be that way, and taught myself to look at things rationally before getting angry. The anger does still come out every now and then (particularly when gaming), but now a lot of people have called me apathetic.
love this straightforward way of reaching out to unhappy men with actual sane takes on their issues.
It starts even earlier than that, imo. It starts when they are very small, small children. When a little boy gets injured, scared, upset or anything that would evoke an emotional response like sadness or fear or pain, the normalized response socially is almost always to tell the little boy not to cry, and to be tough. In other words, we tell them to repress their emotions, get angry about it, and to hide behind that anger. Conversely and simultaneously, they are witnessing little girls experiencing these same situations, but the girls are not only allowed, but encouraged to feel their entire range of emotions; they are taught how to identify and name their feelings and are rewarded for that; they are also comforted and cared for instead of being left alone to just deal with that pain or sadness or fear the way the boys are. This often creates a deep-seated resentment that is most times completely subconscious and only goes on to be reinforced again and again and again socially via the messages that we are sent through the media we consume, our families and our peer groups.
Boys and the men they become deserve better. Men deserve to express and experience their entire range of emotions without ridicule or stigma. If we want emotionally intelligent, thoughtful and kind men, we start by teaching our boys to be empathetic, sensitive, intuitive humans who aren't ashamed or afraid of expressing their feelings in a healthy, appropriate way. Boys can, do and should cry, without fear of it taking something away from them in terms of their identity or masculinity; boys can, do and should feel passion, joy and excitement, without fear of being percieved as weak or frivolous or immature. Therapy only works if we can identify the feelings that we are having trouble working through. Men are so rarely given the ability to identify or truly FEEL how these emotions without accompanying guilt and shame, which closes many off to the opportunity and healing therapy can provide. Patriarchy and its archaic, outdated gender model that reinforces this mandated male stoicism with threat of ostracization if it's violated, hurts men just as much as it hurts the women the system demands they objectify, commodify and dominate. It's toxic for everyone involved!
Still fathers, when present, aren't that much in contact with the children as the mothers. Who teaches the boys to "not be a girl" if not the mothers?
@@pedroivantaveraferreira3037 still the father im my experience, my mom would try to understand why I was crying, dad would just tell me to stop
Some girls do go through this too unfortunately. I am a girl that was told not to cry and to tough things out. I ended up isolating myself out of fear and now I have to undo the trauma. Good luck to anyone out there recovering
You were sensible, till you blamed 'the patriarchy' for everything that's wrong with the world.
I'm with Rex here, "the patriarchy" is not the problem. Men evolved like this for many reasons, from their biology all the way to "a man who is numb to his emotions is more willing to sacrifice himself to the benefit of others", the others being the women and children he leaves behind when he goes hunting or for a war.
And this was reinforced not only by men, who understood they couldn't trust a guy who would have an emotional breakdown in the battlefield, but also by women, whose need for security (both physical and psychological) makes her feel turned off by men who expressed their vulnerability.
Women are usually the ones who go around saying men need to be more emotionally expressive. They are also the first ones who turn their backs to men when they do it. Most women can't handle seeing a man being truly vulnerable to them.
Whenever I express my anger, the only thing I get is “why you’re mad?; chill out” and then I get abandoned, being an outsider for being “aggressive “, no one got near me and I was demonized by expressing my anger.
While this absolutely true, it is something men can grow beyond and be better for it.
I used to funnel all my emotions into anger, but now that I'm in a healthier place with more and deeper connections with people, I feel comfortable enough to allow myself to feel other negative emotions like sadness and shame -- mostly because other men I know have felt the same things.
Not only this but even anger is being suppressed now days, living no emotion left to feel at all.
Exercising candor as a man is such a minefield because people are wired to interpret you as dangerous or creepy if you step over enough rakes. I imagine it’s also difficult for women, but for different reasons.
Anything social is and always will be easier for women. I've played online games pretending I'm female and it's a better experience 100% of the time. I still play as a guy most of the time, but sometimes I just want an easier time of social stuff and pretend I'm a girl without a mic
@@Redd_Nebula not sure if you want to extrapolate “everything social” being easier for women based on your experience LARPing as one sometimes online. Women go through a lot of garbage socially and so do we. It just happens to be a different kind of garbage.
@@jcnot9712 a few toxic people spreading false rumours are far easier to deal with compared to being completely ignored or treated like a monster by most people
@@Redd_Nebula sure buddy
@@Redd_Nebulabut have you experienced that? You were pretending to be someone youre not, of course it wouldn’t matter to you what people thought of this persona you were putting on. Theres no stakes. These are random people online, you’ll never meet again, who aren’t even interacting with you, but rather some fake girl.
Not that i think a few false rumours is all women experience, they have like a safety element to think about too when it comes to people stronger than them. Ig we do too but there’s a lot less people stronger than us who would also be interested in taking advantage of us, so ik i don’t think about that.
"Just ask Teacher"
Well, I tried that and teacher ignored me anyway like it was nothing.
After that, I got bullied even more.
The older I get the less I enjoy how much of a product of my environment I am.
It’s never took late to live the life you dreamt of. If the one that turned out is not great…It just takes work. Learning how to do things in a new way, is a start. Much love
I hate how anger is seen as the bad emotion. If you're sad and cry you get sympathy, but if you're angry you have to calm down.
It's "be in touch with your emotions unless I don't like the emotion"
Thanks for all the help
Extreme negative emotions boils to two reaction: Sadness which becomes cry and anger which becomes rage.
Usually personality decides which is prefered by person or as said... peer pressure - because as animals we got choice how we act. Later on it's get imprinted as default reaction in adult age.
Why there are no sensitive men? Because you don't allow them to exist. Simple as that.
I don't think it's only that we're expected to feel only anger, but in some cases that happens naturally from life experiences. If you get into a cycle of always being angry, it can be difficult to break because angry is the only thing that feels normal.
That is correct
As someone who was bullied, anger was never on the mind. Ignoring it was the best I could do. Going to school staff, my parents, the only time anyone ever took action was when one of the kids doing the bullying broke part of school property. No one ever told me that I was supposed to only display anger or don't show other emotions. But it's like my mother said "We all deserve better parents than we got."
Ive recognized this when I was like 12 years old and, because i didnt want to be "the angry kid", and was too weak or shy to fight back people bullying me, Ive gotten aware of what emotions i can show and which not, but tbh, as a boy or man, society judges you for showing any emotion at all, doesnt matter which one. The only thing you can do is run away from conflict
Relatable, I was brought up in a household where no negative emotions can be expressed in men, so when I expressed anger (with how rare that is) they say I have anger issues and dismiss me. Stunting emotional development and when it came to school, they called me a robot and npc for not being expressive. They will not let you win
I used to cry easily as a kid when was confronted with hostility. I learned to suppress it and I now express it as anger and indignation, but the feeling inside is exactly the same. This doc is a genius.
Women also feel anger, but they just pretend they like eachother while they destroy their enemies reputation.
While this is true, female anger is also frowned upon, because it's seen as "inappropriate". You can see that every time, a woman - regardless if she is rightfully angry or not - is called a Karen.
I like that Dr K understands men's issues and spreads awareness while still condemning the actions the men take. The actions are bad but bad for a reason and the reason should be talked about.
no one cares
Another side of this is angry men can and do change the world and have done throughout history. Those in control don't want this obviously so they want neutered men.
That explains why if I feel sad or scared it just turns into anger
Cinema therapy made a great video about this with hulk as an example. How men are afraid of being viewed as this angry monster but how do keep that from happening when you never learned to handle your emotions
I’ve listened to this album countless times and something I had never noticed until you mentioned it is where “so you want to be a superhero”’s chords resolve. It’s tense, it lingers, it’s wrestling the whole song, but resolves right before she states she might be leaving soon, as if she made up her mind to end her life right then
For me anger is the most prohibited emotion BECAUSE I’m a man. We’re stronger and our male’s anger is more dangerous and scarier than female’s so I’m not allowed to express my anger at anyone. Since childhood I think like this, I was always ashamed to be angry and let it out on others. And to this day I still don’t know how to express my anger the right way.
Dude same, I feel like I'm not allowed to express any sign of anger because I feel like I want to cry after that, I don't know how I Will behave if can't hold back anymore 😔
You gotta turn the anger into art or something athletic/physical. We can be angry, it’s how you release it. Releasing it in others is not ok, as that just passes the anger while you still hold it. You really have to “step outside of yourself. “ I dunno , I hope I didn’t sound preachy, it’s just what my experience has been.
Thanks for sharing your experience! I actually train systematically and play guitar (sometimes piano also), never really thought about it, but maybe it helps!
But what I know for sure, listening to metal helps me to release my anger 100% )
By still I was talking about expressing my anger exactly towards other people in some kind of proper, ecological way. Because I know there is this way of expressing it and I want to learn how to do it
I am a female brought up in a household where absolutely no emotions were allowed except guilt and gratitude towards the narcissistic parents.
They never took my emotions seriously when I cried. They laughed and said I was just a kid, which made me angry. Then they said I have anger issues. Which made me want to beat them. Then they again laughed and called me violent which is a ‘horrible trait’ to have. They said I will end up in jail. So I had blackout rage moments.
Yes life is hard. Sometimes I don’t even know why I’m angry/ hurt. After intense thinking I find the trigger.
Anger being allowed feels like a privilege to me honestly.
I hate that when I see a channel like this that’s openly talking about men’s health issues, my immediate assumption is that it’s far-right propaganda. It makes a lot of sense that with how “with us 100% or we consider you against us” things have become these days that young men are turning to these groups since they’re the only ones making them feel seen. We need more of this type of discourse to reach the mainstream.
"my immediate assumption is that it’s far-right propaganda" - it's conditioning by leftist media, feminists, etc. These media, feminists, etc. still have the nerve to say "it's about all genders!" and "We live in patriarchy! We are oppressed! Media is against us! we are against the system".
It's also mostly just more anger, using it to cause conflict and exploiting that for their own gain. When men feel unwelcome they will go to any place that gives them a voice.
Why would you talk to the teacher? You'll be shamed, victim blamed, lied too, over even punished.
Hes right. A good woman would let her man have a good cry when they need it. Oh my. My man i hooe i loved him so much at that time. I hope i did. Hes gone now but loved him so much. A beautiful soul.
It's not women preventing men from feeling their emotions, It starts way before they even get into a relationship. It starts at their fathers, their peers and culture.
the fundamental problem is that you think were hardwired the same. We are not@@smellyface28
the fundamental problem is that you think were hardwired the same. We are not
the fundamental problem is that you think were hardwired the same. We are not@@smellyface28
@@smellyface28 And their mothers and sisters too. I'm seeing what you're doing there, and I don't like it.
Just to add a slight clarification for the bullying bit. Bullying doesn't turn to misogyny, bullying turns the victim into a misanthrope. The best mindset. The misanthrope does not judge, they just hate.
Congrats on making it to the TheDiaryOfaCEO podcast!! Honestly can’t wait to see both of my favs collab
DAMN… boy be spitting facts. 💯
Everybody in the comments finding certain groups and people to blame, you're missing the point. Blame cannot enact change here, and it has to be let go before any progress can be made.
Cept theres actually people out there who say stuff like men shouldnt have emotions & poor people dont deserve an education, & then ot turns out they work for the state or government. So there are a select few who can be blamed. Have fun doing hundreds of hours of research to make sure you dont unfairly blame the wrong ones tho.
I guess slaves shouldn't have "blamed" their owners, because blame doesn't enact change. I guess women shouldn't have "blamed" the patriarchy, because blame doesn't enact change. Oh wait.
@@Blade.5786 You're right. Blame didnt change anything. Getting up & protesting did.
@@DarkFlamesDarkness👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Man what this guy says is so true.. like actual facts. What he discusses is so relatable
noone properly learns to deal with anger, and that's a problem. Neither men nor women learn how to cope. We don't learn that going for a run help or physical movement, journaling, breathing techniques etc help. That's why so many men go to the gym. Because it helps you deal with negative emotions like anger
It's socially acceptable to beat yourself up. There's real consequences in that though. See the suicide figures, the drug addictions. Gym doesn't solve all problems, just distracts.
It was like a broken record growing up. Every time I told my teachers about bullies harassing me they'd say to ignore it. Then I'd tell my parents and they'd say ignore it. Then I'd find myself having to defend myself because it'd escalate to the point of doing real physical harm and I'd get in trouble for starting a fight even though I went through all the channels to warn about the situation.
Then you get in trouble because the bullyings' been normalised by everyone now, changing that is disrupting the hierarchy status quo and "entertainment" of schadenfreude bystanders.
And with women, anger is the one emotion we're not ALLOWED to express. Weird irony. Why can't all of us just express all our emotions freely? Well, I know WHY, but it still sucks
Its encouraged and "girl boss" of you to lash out on men nowadays actually.
@@somebodyoncetoldme2664hey whats it like being stuck in 2018?
@@somebodyoncetoldme2664 please interact with real people
@@sourhill2292 So you're saying 2018 was more progressive than 2024? Your brain clearly hasn't developed since 2018.
@@Blade.5786thats not what being progressive means
It's biology: the default emotion for men under discomfort is anger(so they react), for women is cry(searching for help)
Nah bro, that’s a sOcIaL ConStRucT
@@GC-yw1mn in the stone age there was no "social construct" whatsoever and guess how men and women react when a predator entered the tribe
@@carlessola343 Yeah I know, I was making fun of that type of argument.
I always mask crying by laughing.
The act of laughter is so close to crying for some reason
When I got into my late teens and early 20's, I tended to show my anger way more than I should have. I would get violently angry, but stop short because I had seen what violence does to the people you love.
So, I would break down when I got too angry, and start having a panic attack instead. Talk about a quick way to build up self-hatred, getting angry enough to want to destroy everything around you but not be willing to hurt anyone.. You start to assume it's weakness rather than control, so the anger becomes directed at yourself.
It took my yeeeears of coming to terms with it all, but eventually I found a way to work it all out in my head. That's not to say I don't get to that point of anger any more, but I'm at a place where I either understand it's not right.. Or someone really fucked up, and I deserve to be angry for the moment, in a safe and non-violent way.
Duck society. Telling you how to feel and behave. What's socially acceptable, duck it all. Be yourself, happiness comes from within anyway 😂
I swear, I've mentioned this encounter so often in comments, but when I was in middle school, I had one if thise bouncing rubber balls on a string. Some would light up as they bounce, others just were cool colors. Mine was just a yellow smiley face. I felt so cool coming into school with mine, and was showing it off in between classes. As I was bouncing it, some of the water inside squirted out. The base began to separate from the string. There was a girl walking by as it happened and she got wet. As I go to say sorry, bam. She slaps the shit out of me, turns around, and walks the fuck off. A small pursuit ensues, to which I catch up to her in our home room, and as I grab her by the wrists, our female homeroom teacher grabs ME and tells ME "to keep my hands to myself"
Despite me telling her "she slapped the shit out if me"
Despite my obviously red cheek from being slapped
And despite not even asking either if us wtf happened?
Tell me, what does that teach young boys about their anger and feeling as though they have been wronged?
Exactly! This is more irrefutable proof that we live in a female centric world, where wmn rule! Thanks for sharing your experience brother.🙏
It would be weird to not feel anger if someone is pissing you off, no? XD
Like, I'm 30+ and every year I have less and less reasons to feel any positive emotions.
We can get in a weird loop of wasting time and energy on beeing and getting angry. We have a limited time on earth, why waste it on something that useless?
@@alxk3995 It functions similarly to crying. Primarily to get attention to a problem, but secondarily to get your emotions out of the way. You'll find that you can think more clearly after an outburst than when you were "calm" previously, because all those feelings were building up at the time.
Feeling angry all the time sounds exhausting
As a women, I am sorry society does this to our men. As a boy momma, I’ve made sure my son knows a range of emotional integrity is healthy.
I wasn't even allowed to be angry. I'm still being told I'm not allowed to feel much of anything.
What if you don't feel it anymore, even when you should
Even if you don't feel it, the emotion is still there. You just need to reconnect to your emotions
That's where I'm at right now. I may occasionally experience fear, sadness, or excitement, but it's rare.
i think dr k once said that there is a scientific study that in it the brain activity scan showed that the brain feels emotions when patients reported that they dont feel anything. meaning that you have trained yourself to not be conscious of your emotions not to turn off your emotions.
Anger isn't really an emotion to begin with. As Dr K says, it's an umbrella. Not feeling it at all isn't healthy, though, that means you can't figure out the root- meaning you can't track the appropriate response.
Apathy is a signal for depression, possibly PTSD. If you're a teenager or child, you'll likely overcome it as your brain develops enough to process what you're going through- emotions are primarily handled by the prefrontal cortex, which won't fully develop until mid-late 20's. However, apathy as a teenager can be a warning that you're suffering from C-PTSD, so make sure to get checked for that. If you grow out of that apathy without having addressed the trauma, it's all going to crush you when your brain's at the point it can finally deal with it. You may also have a traumatic brain injury to your frontal lobe, which will undoubtedly get worse in your 20's so absolutely get a therapist if this is the case.
If you are not a teenager/child, and this set in during adulthood without PTSD, it's depression. Could be a physical ailment, stress, unsafe environment, or trauma. Even chronic pain like fibromyalgia can cause you to supress your emotions. Pain is pain, physical or mental, so when trying to cope with one you may find yourself tuning out of the other, as well. Could even be ADHD causing the depression.
Either way, therapy is warranted.
Not a therapist myself, just someone dealing with all of the above. Somehow the only thing I don't have is a serotonin imbalance, lol.
Yea, it feels like anger is the only acceptable emotion.
You can see this in media too, where the anger is potrayed in a positive, strong, manly way. Like John Wick, or Blue Lock, for example.
as not a man i think crying is awesome and everyone should allow themselves to cry more.
it's actually great way to release your emotions and not keep it all bottled up in your head. if you don't cry much it may be hard but you'll get it eventually
I'm treated like I always am even though I'm not.
The key point is not that men are conditioned to only feel and express anger because it's seen as "unmanly" to express other emotions, but because it's the only emotion that draws attention to them and their problems. Women's pain and suffering is treated as important, full stop, and a man's pain and suffering is only as important when his anger about it makes him a threat to himself and others.
Also, I believe another commenter mentioned this too, but it's an emotion that gets you results for yourself instead of expressing your pain to someone so they can solve your problem for you. You have to solve your own problems when others don't treat them like they're important until they absolutely have to.
Not rly true about women’s pain and suffering seen as more important. Actually it’s usually discounted especially if you look into how women aren’t properly diagnosed or treated seriously by doctors. I don’t think it needs to be an either or thing. Men are told not to be vulnerable and to hide emotions which sucks and should be addressed but that doesn’t inherently mean that women are taken seriously either just that it is viewed as acceptable for them to show emotion.
If you take all of society on the whole instead of cherrypicking examples, women's concerns are taken more seriously and given more attention, without question. I could curate a list of examples myself, like the erasure of men as victims and women as perpetrators of domestic violence to create a gendered narrative, or the massive disparity in funding for domestic violence victim services for men vs women, or the silence on the status of the opioid crisis, suicide, and other deaths of despair like alcoholism as gendered mental health issues that disproportionately affect men, or about silence on disparities in workplace injuries or deaths by gender or how education in the West is failing boys at every level, but the TH-cam comments section isn't the place to get into it. What I will definitely say is that it's absolutely ridiculous to suggest that women's issues aren't taken more seriously than men's; the evidence is everywhere and plain to see for anyone with eyes. I'm still waiting on International Men's Day to be picked up by mainstream media as a means to talk about these things, but the very idea is still a joke to everyone apparently so I'm not holding my breath.
@@ianjames8140You're wrong. Nice cope though. I'm sure it helps you.
@@TheNymanator Exactly. I saw other comments by @ianjames8140 under this video, and he is clearly biased towards women, like typical feminist (most probably male feminist in this case). He always writes in this sense of "And what about women? Women don't have it any better, because patriarchy".
@@sunkintreehow is he wrong if there are studies and statistics that prove that?
The most useful combat for this is to find friends with the right ideals. They don't gotta be perfect, but they still gotta be good hearted, therefore you can all check each other for these problems
That’s exactly why patriarchy is a problem. A patriarchal society has set expectations for both genders that negatively impacts everyone. For me it’s anger and no emotions, for women it’s sadness and emotions are blamed. Nobody gets their worth of happiness, respect and freedom when patriarchy tells the rules of the game.
I knew you were wrong the moment you said "patriarchy."
growing up in school i was always picked on, so much do a degree that it caused some bad mental health for me. i was never allowed to fight back, or even say anything back or else i became the perpetrator. all i could do was bottle my anger and lash out every few months. which caused some serious anger issues for me. lately ive been working on my reasoning and rationality to guide my actions. i used to get pissed off because the person driving in front of me was swaying back and forth between the lines on the road, now i laugh at them.
Now before some dumbass nihilist says anything, this video is meant to be a call to action not an “it’s joever “ thing. Become aware of your emotions and address them
Well said. Before the "edge lords with zero moral compass" or feminist "all men are evil' harpies pounce on this.
Its so over
@@funtecstudiovideos4102 Joe is certainly over in 2024.
Women are allowed to be angry, theur anger is viewed as justified by default.
We live in such a violence and direct-action negative society that we learn to deal with our external problems internally (shutting ourselves out of even processing them)
As a professional man, with many decades of experience, I can confirm that. But also, what's the percentage of women that think that a vulnerable man is normal? Less than the majority, let me tell you that. All genders are brought up with the same stereotypes
Teachers dont help with bullying. They actively enable bullies and protect them from consequences. The moment you say anything you'll get suspended.
factsssss
I don't know, all of these came to me naturally I've never been conditioned or tought to be the way I am. I don't feel anything except for disappointment, frustration, temporary shock, disbelief or excitement, I've always been solution minded even before I knew masculinity/toxic masculinity and the language around it. At age 27 I still believe that these things come naturally to men and not a matter of conditioning. I've seen really close loved ones pass away from illness and I couldn't even feel sad or force a tear, there was shock for a few minutes yes but it is immediately followed by thoughts of the work that lies ahead regarding the funeral and family and thoughts of how this new reality is gona be without that person but no sadness. I use to always think I'm going to atleast miss this person later or cry later but nut nothing, haven't teared since I was a little child and I promise I'm not suppressing anything, I think there is an expectation of how men are supposed to react and that expectation is their supposed to be emotional, we should understand that it's not for everyone.when I was a teen I use to get impatient with people who were feeling sadness or couldn't get over things but I'm mature now and I understand that we're different.
I think it’s worth noting that it’s other men imposing this on men for the most part. It’s really hard to see, as a woman. You often just want to give them a hug when it happens and tell them it’ll be okay, but you know that would usually make them feel worse and like less of a “man”
Its both other men and women
@@mymuaic889 What he’s talking about is other men and boys, girls rarely bully boys in general and especially in that way. Mothers and woman teachers tend not to tell boys to not show their emotions, or of the few that do, they treat girls like that equally because they’re just uncomfortable with emotions in general
No, he isn't, and he's not saying it because it's not true.
It won’t. Just ask before you hug them, let them decide if it’ll emasculate them. Most guys want hugs.
I'm pretty sure that the men who feel less like one when hugged have a poor perspective on masculinity. Think about it: Do you think a masculine man can't enjoy a little hug? How about a strong and competent father spending time with his children?
We all get affected by this sh*t. I'm really glad I see many people here recognizing the effects of this roles are messed up for both sides. Let's hope we can recognize that the way we change this is together
And then feminists are like: wElL yOu ArE pRiVaLaGeD
As someone who got severely bullied up to the physical level... I don't completely agree with his statement... If there is one thing I understood is that anger is pretty much like a drug for bullies, they love to see people getting angry due to their actions.. So? what is the solution? Don't give them the satisfaction to see your anger. Instead, show them kindness in return, give them the other cheek... Once their satisfaction dies down, guilt will kick in, and that is your opportunity to rule over them. That's how I turned my bullies into my bodyguards...
Patriarchy failed us too
No such thing
@@ki11atj49Come out into the light, pal. It’s beautiful here, once your eyes adjust. Lots of work to do, but beautiful
Blaming the patriarchy is basically victim-blaming. A disgusting tactic used to tell men to zip it, because by that logic, we are responsible for our own suffering AND women's suffering.
Dr. K needs a show to educate us all about this.
I understand what he’s saying but he’s taking the responsibility away from people saying misogynistic things and blaming it on “my upbringing” or “society”. I do agree with the anger part but towards women. I’ve been broken up with and cheated on and been really mad but I also don’t go on the internet and say horrible shit about women. Stop absolving people of their responsibility.
Being angry at them doesn't solve anything.
He’s not taking responsibility away.
Bro, i have never heard of any man saying something like “thats my upbringing.”
He likely clarifies more in the full video, although I haven’t seen it so I’m not sure. But Dr K isn’t usually one to take away all responsibility from someone. It’s just an explanation.
He's not, he's humanizing and explaining what's behind the emotion. Misogyny is already a popular term. Angry males in the internet mad at women are already heavily scrutinized by all. Understanding why brings insight which leads to healing through a different approach. We all know it's wrong (more or less), this is how you actually create change.
I was always good at fighting off bullies, so good I became a bit of a bully and people were scared of me, lonely years
You were a kid then and an adult now
How I was raised and brought up doesn’t cause bigotry as a grown ass adult. Your not to blame for your upbringing but you are responsible as an adult to be accountable and do the mental work
Boohoo we all have our shit. It doesn’t justify hatred, resentment , &/or lack of basic empathy towards half the population of the planet demographic
None said it’s ok and not bad that men often express thier feelings with anger, literally no one.
Writing "Boohoo we all have our shit" and then complaining about lack of empathy is really... interesting.
So happy to hear someone say this and lots of people see it. Ive been thinking this for years.
Not to mention if you play sport like football as a boy they literally say to you "GET MAD" "YOURE GONNA TAKE HIS HEAD OFF" etc etc. literally encouraging and wanting you to be enraged and violent. Then youre 23 years old and angry at literally everything and dont play sports anymore
There's a name for the kind of society that makes these men, but the moment he says the '-archy' word, these same men will get angry at him.
Doesn't exist
… never heard that one before, you’re really making strides here (i’m lying to you). Fr tho what does it matter where it came from, like stay on topic bro.
Except THIS society keeps making those men even more and it, by definition, isn't a patriarchy. Patriarchy = system, when only men participate in governance.
1. There is no such system found in the Western world today.
2. By blaming patriarchy, you are saying only men are to blame for this, yet women enforce these ridiculous standards far more. Think of it this way: if your male friends see you crying, would they laugh at you (because their evil maleness compells them to), or would they support you and help you?
@@quantumvideoscz2052 yup correct