I once wrote something along the lines of "masking is basically like living every day in a job interview, trying to convince people that you're like them and worthy of a place in their world". It's exhausting.
@@SM-yz4hi It's even worse than that, it hurts even more than you think. Our rulers have conditioned us into believing that those without autism or adhd are the normal ones when they are not. Our rulers have successfully brainwashed our population beyond our imagination, the vast majority of people are monkeys who can be moulded into something our rulers can profit from but those with autism and adhd are legitimately people they can't control with their collective methods so label them as second class to prevent us from threatening their structure. It's not the average person who invented the alphabet or numerical system, it was autists and those with adhd who invented 100% of humanities inventions, the majority of so called "normal people" are just the monkeys who copied it, they're not the humans that actually matter, they are nothing more than cattle. Our rulers stole the world from us and forced us to live as second class citizens so they could exploit the underdeveloped masses. We're not inferior to them, it's the opposite and don't let society and it's convenient mechanisms tell you otherwise.
I went to get my ADHD diagnosis and they said “well you are definitely on a spectrum but you might be dealing with it too good to call it a disorder” and I’m like… I just told you I haven’t cleaned my room in a year and can’t call a tax office for 7 months bc I just can’t make myself. Honestly it feels like I’m being punished for being smart and putting extra effort in.
Yes!! The ignorance and judgment from others after so many years is soul crushing. They have no idea about masking and burnout and spiky profiles and people who are gifted in some ways yet very challenged in others. Seems that the special skills get minimized or pathologically envied, and the deficits are met with suspicion and disbelief. It's exhausting and demoralizing, especially when legitimate support needs are denied as a result.
^ THIS. I wish I could get meaningful assistance with THIS sort of thing, and not "just this once," because my issues are not a "just this once" problem.
I don't have a suggestion, but I'm right here with you! I've done so much masking for such a very long time that it's ingrained. Those who don't care to see through it when I'm trying to get help just don't see the struggle.
The hardest part is when you've been masking so long you can't tell when you're masking and when you aren't, so you mask when you don't need to or suddenly stop masking in front of people because it slips your mind.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
And then you start to question yourself who is your real self or if you are even autistic or ADHD at the first place and you can't tell because you masking for so long you don't know how to unmask or go back to be your old self.
The most dehumanizing part is the feeling that you are a different person around each person you meet. I have two groups of friends + my family and I feel like if i put them all in a room, I wouldn't know which "me" to be, because I don't have the same levels and areas of masking with each group.
Recognizing this, while learning about NPD after being repeatedly targeted and exploited by those types, causes me moments of panic because NPDs also mask. I have to consciously remind myself that the underlying reasons for masking with the different diagnoses are worlds apart. The NPD's objective is more about power, control, and deceit to gain advantage at the expense of another. For ADHD/ASD, it's coping in order to fit in, contribute, function, survive, and belong.
Yes, I've struggled with the same issue, too easily conforming to friends. Less so now, but it's so natural for me to mirror the energy, body language, type of speech of whomever I'm with.
I was once told by a work colleague that I was the most eccentric person he ever met and why couldn't I be more normal. I asked if he considered himself normal. When he said yes, I advised I am pleased to be eccentric as I wouldn't want to be anything like him.
The weird irony is that when quarantine started I got a mask and I love wearing a mask because I don’t have to focus on my facial expressions: I don’t have to mask those quirks because of my actual mask
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
I’m neurodivergent. And I never realized that I was masking until I took a civil rights class in college and learned the term ‘code switching’. I was so confused and angry, because until then, I thought everyone on the planet was constantly masking or code switching all the time and that’s what it meant to be in a society. I was so upset to learn that there are some people who can just BE. It was the beginning of me realizing a lot about myself.
Isnt that the worst thought for neurodivergent people like me and you. To be able to think that someone can just “be”, is a miserable thought, atleast for me, being able to see people be “normal” comparatively really hurts no matter how hard i try to fit in.
It’s scary to have those kinds of realizations about yourself. Like you can’t even trust your own perception of reality. I can remember the first time i realized, “wait, most people _don’t_ have to play detective during social interactions..? They don’t have to ‘study’ for conversations? They just… know the cues..?”
Wait, so... So people, even non neurodivergent people, don't constantly change the way they act and speak and think depending on which social groups they're interacting with?
@@Gender_Ascender there’s code-switching and there’s adapting to the situation at hand. Being quiet and serious at a funeral vs lively and funny at a party isn’t code switching. Constantly suppressing stims, purposely changing your accent (ie not using AAVE), and forcing facial expressions/reactions is codeswitching. Adapting is changing your mood. Codeswitching is hiding your natural behaviors
I feel like I forgot how to be more ADHD so now I can't deal with the burnout that masking had caused. We need more literature on what kinds of behavior are healthy for ADHD even if they aren't "productive". A lot of self-help books revolve either around neurotypical productivity or around just describing what ADHD is, how it is treated, and how to compensate for its deficiencies, yet there's very little written about how to actually live with ADHD and take care of our unique needs in a healthy manner.
I started counseling recently to help me understand ADHD and it turns out my counselor was diagnosed as an adult too. Her insights have made me feel so validated! She brought up how even the name is about other people seeing a problem, not being focused on what someone else expects or being hyperactive, and didn’t name it after the root problem or how people with ADHD feel.
@@shannaseigel4003 my counselor told me the same thing and he said that during hunter gatherer times it’s been theorized that adhd was actually an evolutionary advantage and the adhders were usually community leaders
I have an ADHD coach from work who also has ADHD, and her counsel is always validating, but we are both still pretty bad at being productive workers...I feel like the best I can do in life is moments of brilliance followed by long stretches of just managing to survive...
@@wiegraf9009 Ugh, you just described my life in one sentence. This is why I'd rather be wandering around in the woods (my favorite thing) than trying to run a business.
At this point I don't even know what parts are me and what parts are a mask. I was diagnosed in 3rd grade. I've been masking since before I had a personality to mask. I can code switch so hard I can fit in with anybody. Everything feels artificial. You might ask what I like, what's my favorite X, and honestly I have no idea. I legitimately don't know and that's so strange.
I was told "code switching makes you fake". To forgo code switching and masking is a privilege we simply don't have. Code switching and masking is a way of life for us.
As much as everyone seemed to hate quarantine, I loved it because it made me more comfortable and learn not to mask as much, I didn't go out in public as often so I didn't get the constant pressure of "acting appropriate"
Y'know... yeah. I loved being able to just do what I wanted and act however I wanted to during quarantine. The part that made me nervous was having to constantly call in to work to see if I had to go back anytime soon. I hate calling on a phone, it's nerve wracking. I eventually lost the job. Thing is... I'm not sure if I'm ADHD... but I find myself identifying with a TON of the struggles and issues related to ADHD. Like the masking in public, (as in hiding someone's true emotional self and trying to be socially accepted) I've done that my whole life. I just always assumed I was being paranoid or that I would just learn how to fit in... and that it was normal for everyone. Now, I'm not so sure.
I still remember going to court, to see if I qualified for disability assistance. The judge told me that I didn't qualify, because I was successfully masking, even after he noted that I had demonstrated an obvious need for assistance. Because I was able to seem fine for thirty minutes, it was assumed that I was able to seem fine for days at a time. It's like being told we can do 100 pushups in a row, if we are usually able to do 10, whenever needed.
I had my ALJ hearing last fall, and the judge's responses felt like a crushingly cruel smackdown. It was already so hard to admit that I needed help, that I ran myself into the ground until I had nothing left. I don't understand how they can in good conscience claim that anything we have been able to accomplish up to this point must have been easy because we did it. The denials can pile on even more dysfunction, which is the last thing we need. I hope you can still appeal or seek assistance somehow. I'm trying not to give up. The neurodivergent community needs to keep pressing them with evidence and medical fact as more progress is made to understand how detrimental and rigid our society is toward those who struggle to appear neurotypical.
My current strategy is to try n work in bursts, perform very high for as long as I can, save up as much as I can then take a few months rest to recover, as complaints similar to burnout are inevitable anyways
Whenever I try to relate things like this to my dad, he would say things like "it's not like you have a broken leg" or "in my day we would have just called you stupid". A lot of neurotypical people seem to hold the opinion that you don't have a real problem or that you are selfish because "other people have it way worse "
My dad's like this as well, but honestly it's his problem, not mine. It's not just mental health stuff, he refuses to believe that anyone other than him could possibly have a problem that might reasonably affect them. He always finds a way to make it the person's fault. It's funny though, because if anything ever happens to him, he expects everyone around him to take it seriously and accomodate accordingly. He's just a bit of a jerk really.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
Since you mentioned being a jerk, I’d love a video about being “mean” when you’re neurodivergent. There have been SO many times in my life where someone thinks I’m being passive aggressive or sarcastic when I’m genuine and because of it I’m struggling with feeling like a bad person. I can’t tell what other people are thinking so if I make a mistake, I almost always have no idea why they’re upset. This is especially bad when I’m masking cause I feel like every time I show someone who I actually am, they leave. It’s such a big struggle and the main reason I have a hard time making friends.
omg yes! I completely relate. I’m at the point where I know I’m not bad but it seems like the person on the other end is ever able explain what is “mean” so that I can adjust for their sake and it’s very frustrating.
I experience this too, and I think it has a lot to do with being very socially isolated as a kid, and also being raised by some pretty unforgiving cold parents who didn't show a lot of love. Over time I just never really learned how to act like a nice person. There is something to be said for ppl thinking we are checked out or bored when we aren't looking at them, or are thinking about what they are saying.
Even when I’m being kind and caring, apparently it is too nice, so they assume that I am being sarcastic. I was genuinely caring about them as a person. 🤷🏼♀️
I feel the exact same way! It's so frustrating because I'm genuinely extremely concerned about other people's emotions and want to be as kind as possible but people seem to interpret my actions as inauthentic because I don't act in the neurotypical way. I've tried my whole life to perfect neurotypical masking but inevitably it doesn't work. Something I'm trying to work on with my therapist right now is just because most people I meet are neurotypical doesn't mean they have effective communication habits. They also are interpreting MY actions incorrectly and it doesn't always have to be up to me to try to tiptoe around their incorrect perceptions. Obviously, I'll still try to be nice but if they can't accept my words and actions as being authentic then that's on them for having poor skills not on me. I can only explain my intent and try my hardest with my actions to show that I do care and sincerely apologize when my ADHD brain slips up. Just shifting my perspective from "I need to do better" to "maybe some people's reactions aren't very skillful either" is huge.
I know the feeling. But the interesting part is (even though i didn't knew back then that i had adhd and autism) when i showed my true color in a new group of people in my new church. I made same of the best friends ever. Now 11 years later 2 of them are still my best friends who i can absolutely trust and be myself with. And when the time is there that im talking to much or being too enthousiastic for them for too long (i mean for really too long). They tell me (sometimes 3 times in a row if the first 2 times doesn't work) of hey Mark can you speak a little slower/a bit less or can you calm down a big because you are overwhelming or don't make sense. And i respect that and i actually ask them: when i talk absolutely way to much then tell me (3 times if needed) so we can become even better friends and have a good time and so they aren't totallt exhausted when they go home
And it’s just as damaging when actors do it without sufficient support and skill to avoid burnout and psychological damage. Good analogy given the poor prognosis for many method actors.
Exactly I’m so good at method acting I’m starting to think the motion picture academy should mail me a Oscar award for my outstanding performance in acting ‘ normal ‘
Oh, so true. I frequently describe much of my life as "living like a method actor". I have to method act the organized desk person, the can do dishes person, the attentive, the focused, the... almost everything.
I spent 28 years unconsciously masking my undiagnosed autism and ADHD. Spent years trying to work out why I was so depressed and anxious when I felt I had no reason to be. Only to find out it was because I was constantly trying to mask who I was, even from myself. It caused an awful lot of damage to my mental health, damage I'm slowly (very slowly) healing, although it doesnt often feel that way
I feel you. For me it´s similar, since three years I try to lower the masqerade with therapy. The one thing what different is, I don´t know (and my therapist) what I´m actually have. Of course childhood trauma. I figured that a clinical setting ist not always helpful to find this out. Maybe it´s not important but I have the feeling I need to know, so I can handle it better. Sometimes it feels like healing, but often it feels like a step back. Probably the step back is important to get to the point where it is possible to change direction. Keep in mind what you do is strong. Not for the outside world visible but for yourself and in the end also for your loved ones.
I always thought I was introverted but I realized that I just hate feeling the pressure to mask amongst people I don’t know. It feels like all my processes are shackled and I have to devote too much energy towards looking normal when I can get things done in half the time when im being real with myself.
I recently realized this too. I want lots of friends, but if I can't be 100% me around people they just wear me down, I'm better off alone actually getting some things done.
I remember actively trying to NOT mask during my diagnosis process, and even then, and even though the test results indicated I had ADHD, the evaluator was still like mm I guess you "probably" have "mild" ADHD. Just cause I'm good at handling it doesn't mean it is mild!!!
This is what I'm afraid of. I'm 46, and my first appointment is next week. I tried to ask my last psych and psych NP if maybe I could possibly have some ADHD-like traits, and they both scoffed at me and dismissed it since, well, I'm 46, worked up until I was physically unable, owned a home, etc. I'm scared and desperate for help, and asked them for a rope because I'm drowning, and it felt like they just slapped my hand away and turned their backs. I didn't even bother to call and say I wasn't coming back when my insurance changed.
@@mbarry415 well, the counselor was awesome, great help, said she couldn't give a firm DX but basically yes. The prescriber kinda seemed like she just wanted to treat me for depression and anxiety. And I'm still waiting for any offer of a medicine, going back and forth with emails and messages of my meds(that I listed on intake) and it's like just try me on something, the meds I'm on will not conflict with any ADHD meds, I checked with my rheumatologist, here's the notes. I mean, won't it be obvious, if I take a pill and things change??
It's funny, it took a concussion for my quantitative diagnosis. I was diagnosed with ADHD officially about a decade ago, but after I got a concussion from an accident recently, I sent quite a bit of time with neurologists to make sure my brain was healing. I remember 2 things stuck out from the cognitive test: 1. A point where the doc distinctively said that those with ADHD don't preform well on this part, after the fact, and 2, at the end where my results were above average. I was like, huh, I have quantitative proof of my ADHD, cool....and if my results are considered above average now, what were they before the accident?
I am nearly 30 and only just recently got my ADHD diagnosis. It finally makes sense why I always feel emotionally exhausted after small things, constant masking is tiring.
I find myself constantly confused and trying to evaluate - what part of me is my personality, what part is my ADHD, and what part is masking? Is there a real me? What have I lost or repressed because I've felt the need to mask?
always start with the facts. I'm *gender*, I'm *my name*, I was born *date*. then i branch onto other topics a little less obvious but undeniably true no matter what anyone says. i really enjoy "insert societies opinion of a cringe show", I find genuine humor in ironically offensive humor. from that, i finally began to truly piece together at least to a degree, the little things that truly make me individual. if you're scared to admit you like something to yourself because of shame, remember that your joy and your interests are genuinely important and you deserve to able to be open about your little and big passions
I'm sitting here crying because I feel so relieved to have someone to help not just me with understanding MY neurodivergence (I'm ASD and ADHD) but also to help my son to understand HIS brain. He's ADHD and often becomes very discouraged because of how the current education system is set up, seemingly against kids like him, and your videos help us both understand him and each other better. Thank you so much 💖💗
I always share this channel with everyone who even whispers adhd. It's helped me to feel comfortable with my diagnosis and feel it's a good thing instead of being ashamed.
Honestly, same! My diagnosis only happened thanks to my son being diagnosed. Learning about how our brains work to help him and heal myself has been the relief I didn't know I needed.
I can honestly say , my 33 years of life, I’ve thought I was just BROKEN the entire time. Further investigation of my symptoms of adhd has given me REAL hope.
I was diagnosed adhd at age 45. Had to sit through a conference for three days and was horrible. Fidgety, anxious, and then after, being adhd and trying to fit in by masking, a colleague told me I was weird. Hurtful, but not surprising. Keep up your great work. You are a public service.
FWIW; I don't believe I have ADHD, a few symptoms sure, but nothing diagnosable. That said, I like weird people. I'm sure if I were there I probably would have ended up hanging out, normal is boring, "weird" usually means unique thinking.
We are not weird, it's called Unique. When you embrace your differences be it positive or negative. You don't need others to fit in, or judge where you stand in a group setting. I always turn up to social events, looking "Dapper" so I've been informed. Looking smart with colours and layers to stand out from others. Just my look gives off a cool vibe around boring people. I can smile talk and I'm confident with finding who I am. After 52 years searching..🙂
Ive been called weird a lot since child to adult. It’s so hurtful I tried to ignore it and be fine with it but I can’t. Even my brother says I act like a child and that I’m lazy. And when I forget sometimes and say that I’m lying and I’m lazy and making a excuse. He doesn’t understand me and think I do this on purpose which I don’t do. My mom tries to explain that I’m different from him and should be more understanding and respectful but he maybe doesn’t believe it. It’s so hard everyday and we don’t even talk unless he wants me to clean the house.
Yeah this is spot on! I masked my ADHD at my job for 1.5 years and I got more and more burned out. It got especially bad when I had to start working from home. At one point I got practically nothing done and I decided it was time for a change. I set up a meeting with the directors and told them fair and square what was going on and why I got nothing done. They gave me half a year in which they wouldn't have any expectations of me, other than to get better mentally. I got therapy and started learning not to mask. Now it's a year later, they gave me a full time contract because it's going so well and I don't have to feel guilty about anything, because I'm being my authentic self. It feels amazing not having to worry constantly.
Congrats! One thing I don’t understand, you’d think that working from home would allow you to de-mask? Things like not being forced to go on coffee breaks with colleagues where you’re expected to be a functioning social person etc.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
Where are you working?! I’d love to apply!! Currently an ADHD person who got diagnosed just before the pandemic hit. Have had no insurance for two years however so I’ve been unmedicated ever since then and goodness I’m struggling. Working for a company who could care less about my problems which I don’t blame them however to hear of a company like yours is simply my dream. I’m so happy for you and I hope I can find something just like that for myself!
This caused some trouble in my relationship with my girlfriend, she couldn't tell when I really was upset or hurt unless I told her. For a while I thought it was better to keep it to myself, and never let her know so I could be strong for her and not upset her. your ADHD video on relationships talked about honesty, honesty saved our relationship! Thanks be to God, and thank you!
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
I masked for my whole life without even knowing. Before Covid, my burnout was so extreme. After finding out abt ADHD, I thought I might just be the inattentive type bc I’ve always been calm or quiet compared to most, but when I started driving by myself, I felt like a whole different person. Music plus being by myself without a fear of being judged peeled off my mask for the first time and I’ve never felt so happy(I’m 17 btw). Now most friends I’ve made when masked are in college and I’m making new friends without my mask and I can say this is the happiest I’ve ever been since probably being a toddler. Now I allow myself to fidget, especially when talking to friends. This year was the first time I allowed myself to talk as fast as I wanted and I even stuttered a lot but my friends literally don’t care. I still do mask and have anxiety but it’s manageable compared to before. Btw I’m self diagnosed bc my parents don’t think I have ADHD bc I’ve masked so well and still mask around them since they’re immigrant parents. I hope I can get diagnosed soon
it's so cool how unmasking can make a massive difference in our happiness and calmness!! like u, my parents didn't "believe in ADHD" so I'm 26 and still no DX, but I know I have it. and i've found friends that I can completely be myself with, when we get together it's a wonderful explosion lol. life can be good with ADHD ❤️
@Sether castheth i'm sorry to hear that! i've heard medication is different for lots of people, different chemicals can work for some and not work for others. the thing that helps me personally is understanding my brain and being able to talk to other people with ADHD, so that's why I've booked an appointment myself (even though yeah I'm not a huge fan of psychiatry either, it could help me get more info+support). this channel has also been a huge help!
One thing that I think is important to note about masking is that, at least for me, it has caused me to keep my life small and to hide from the world. By keeping the world small, I minimized failure.
I’m masking my ADHD and ASD so much that the psychiatrist that was supposed to help me with meds, didn’t want to prescribe them because she didn’t believe that I actually struggled with the things I told her. Thanks so much for this video, it makes me feel seen 🙏
tl;dr - I know exactly how that struggle goes! The below is just my experience with masking even in therapy I actually had to get a new therapist and this was a major driver for me. I'd been mask up constantly. My first therapist was very good, but I'd kind of thoroughly set up this report and impression that I couldn't do any work with him. Going into therapy with my current therapist has been great tho. I've been catching myself, and forcing myself to be more honest, and since I've done that from the start of our working relationship, she seems to be aware of it and gives me the space to do so. It's been such a relief! I hope you can get to there with your therapist
I'm going to have an appointment with the 3rd psychologist in 6 months on wednesday because the previous 2 refuse to prescribe me a stimulant medication that would actually do something for my symptoms. I don't know if I don't seem sick enough or they don't believe me or something but it's really annoying knowing that I could be treated effectively and I'm just being watched as I suffer with this
@@naryosh_ I just want you to know that you're not alone and that it's ok to not feel super rn. I hope you have people in your circle that you can lean on as you find the proper resources. Your experiences and feelings are valid. Authority gaslighting is something that really should be talked about more.
I had a lady say that she didn't think I was in need of stimulant adhd meds due to the fact that I did really well on one short term memory test with numbers. I have an above average intellect and both parents are teachers.. It's rather annoying. And it's hard to bring myself to pursue other venues as I'd rather not waste time on BS. It's pretty bad that it's easier for me to get Adderall of the street than get prescribed it because I actually need it.
I can actually see a progression of my mask forming throughout my childhood. As a really young kid I was very friendly and outgoing and honest, my parents say I would just find a random kid and grab their hand and decide they were my new best friend for the day and go play. But as I got older, I started to notice how people would start to avoid me after a while or talk behind my back about my behavior. So I toned it down, I became introverted and watched everything I said and did to make sure people didnt hate me, but they still ended up avoiding me if my mask slipped one too many times, so I eventually ended up alone. I realize now that as a kid I was just following the dopamine and other kids found my erratic behavior weird
My son was the same way. When he was a toddler, he'd talk to any one young or old he came across. When he began elementary school, I watched my sweet friendly, extroverted boy become introverted and uncertain. His self-esteem has been eaten away at over time. Now he finds it hard to make friends. It's heartbreaking, but I remember going through the same thing. I hope there will come a day when this no longer happens to children; that ND kids can just be themselves and grow up to be adults with good self-esteem.
@@chalkedlines8960 the image of your boy's experience is just heartbreaking. I think I did a version of this myself growing up, and even occasionally as a young adult. I hope that your son finds comfort in learning that he's not alone in this, and that finally there is increasing recognition that society could do better. I wish I could have learned my diagnoses at least after graduating, before or early in my career. I remember that's when I felt the disconnect most acutely, having no idea why I still struggled to find a sense of belonging. I guess 40 years late is better than never, but oh how I would love to see what I might have accomplished if I'd only known back then.
Yeah, same here. I was extremely extroverted in elementary school, but swung hard in the other direction in middle school when my "friend" humiliated me by telling me to shut up and that I was annoying in front of the entire lunch table. That kind of social exclusion will shut anyone up. For years after that, I held back from speaking up in situations where I was concerned about being judged, telling myself that I didn't have anything to say when I definitely did. ...Thank goodness for therapy.
Something I've noticed, as I went to college and hung around more openly neurodivergent people I felt a lot of mask slip away. I now do things like randomly get up and start climbing on furniture, not give people eye contact, let my mind run normally and let people know when I didn't quite pay attention to what they said, get excited and become very energetic about seemingly meaningless things ECT. And I normally feel guilty for doing those things in public, but my friends take it in stride and it makes me feel so happy. It's gotten to the point I sometimes unmask around random people and the difference in their reaction is like night and day, I have to remember those things weird most people out.
I'm still trying to break out of masking (and people pleasing) and being told I can't be masking because I "only" have ADHD INFURIATES me. Thank you for covering this and bringing awareness ❤
Something that helps me is to focus on being more open and aware about my symptoms and diagnosis, and trying to talk about it more when it feels appropriate. For instance, when people notice I'm really spacey after working too hard, i say so, and explain that it's from ADHD burnout. It really helps to learn to embrace and accept it as a part of you, rather than trying to "fix" it or hide it away. :) It's okay to put your needs first when it comes to managing your energy and mental health. Focusing on yourself like that is actually a great way to grow!
Eh I mean I have adhd and autism and I dont have trouble masking I don't understand the big deal. You have these problems your whole life like me. Your you. Dont people pleasse obviously. Though adhd is really not that difficult. Just learn to spend more time alone that builds self esteem lol.
@@badhoehalo7641 as you said in another post here, you're only 14 and the video refers to LONG TERM effects of masking, as in doing it for years on end, and also you can't compare your experience of masking (I'm assuming) mostly at school with what real life is like.
I am 42. I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 30, and its only in the last 5 years that I finally figured out that the missing piece to my lifelong mental health issues was finding a diagnostic criteria for adult females with aspergers. I remember training myself to mask in my teens though didn't realize at the time that was what I was doing. I remember the point in my late 20's where I realised that being a chameleon to fit in was great, until the time where people realized that you weren't exactly what they thought, so got mad at you and would never talk to you again. That's when I started trying to embrace my weird. Unmasking is a continual process for me, probably in part because it was in place for so long. I'm glad its finally getting talked about now, I'm glad we're finally starting to see some change, I'm glad there are people like you Jessica that are helping spread the word and thus the hope. May we reach a day where no one ever has to hear, "but you don't look......."
I knew that I was hiding the real me in order to maintain relationships but I had no idea I was masking undiagnosed ADHD. The elation of finding this out at 32 has been so insightful, relieving and uplifting. The constant irrational anger and resentment I've struggled with my whole life has vanished, revealing such a clear path forward as my best real self. If it wasn't for stumbling on your videos explaining what ADHD can feel like as an adult, I might have never been diagnosed or understood my ADHD girlfriend. Keep up the excellent work, your positivity is inspiring!
SAME. I'm going through the diagnostic process now (at 40), and this channel has been so helpful in illuminating the inner working reasons why so many pieces have felt so difficult for so long. Agreed - insightful, relieving, and uplifting!
As a black woman with ADHD working in a super white conservative city. I do tons of masking. It's so hard. It's made me more open about my ADHD, and actually has helped me connect with other neurodivergent folks. Some days are really hard though. Lately I've been experiencing lots of racism, and I feel incredibly self conscious. I want folks to know I make little mistakes because of my ADHD, and not because of my blackness. Being self conscious about either my blackness or ADHD makes my symptoms so much worse. I sometimes wonder where I would be if I were accepted for both?!
That sounds... so incredibly tough, Jupiter. I am so sorry... I can't begin to imagine how exhausting and demoralising masking *both* of those must be. You shouldn't have to mask either of them like that. We really hope there will be a day in our lifetime where you can be accepted for both. Know you are at least accepted for both here. ♥♥♥♥
Yes!! I definitely second this as an autistic ADHD black woman. It's so utterly exhausting having to cater to so many expectations outside of who I am (those of white individuals and neurotypicals). After going through such severe burnout that caused my first depressive episode, I had to eventually accept that it isn't healthy for me to mask nearly 24/7 for so many years of my life. And now that I don't mask my autism or ADHD as much, I'm a lot happier and healthier. (But I don't know if it'll ever be possible within my lifetime to not have to deal with code-switching unfortunately...)
This hit me unexpectedly. I've been identifying with many ADHD symptoms for a few years now, but always thought I was just ovexaggerating and couldn't possibly have ADHD. Executive dysfunction? No, I'm probably just lazy. Talking over people? I'm just too impatient. Easily distracted? Still just lazy. Constant focus shifting? I just need to focus harder on one task. Having a hard time keeping the house clean and organized, even though I hate much clutter? I need to stop being so lazy and make more time for cleaning! Constantly picking around my fingernails and at my lips? Just a bad habit, nothing more. Can hardly follow verbal instructions and having to write everything down, because I'll most likey forget in a minute? I'm probably just stupid. This is the first time I've come across sitting strangely as a symptom. I'm the ONLY one I know who's sitting cross-legged or otherwise with their legs completely on the chair. Even at work I usually "tuck" in one leg, often rocking from side to side ever so slightly. This, along with a few other symptoms makes me think that perhaps there actually is something behind all this.... I'm still not 100% convinced I have ADHD, but I'm now prepared to look deeper into this. Some days I seem to function better than others. Thank you so much for the work you do!
I feel exactly the same way as you do mate, except i did bring it up to my psychiatrist that i might have adhd and he just dismissed me and told me he didn't think i did. Idk what to do now lol
@@primedember5249 search for adhd specialists until it works. I haven't gotten diagnosed yet even though it has been 8 months since I said it to my parents. That's partly because my mam thinks I don't have it before even looking into it, and my dad said even if I did have it, would a diagnosis help. I couldn't come up with any good answers of course, but at least he made sure to look into it a lot and hasn't dismissed the possibility
Don't let their hang ups become your problem. Certain types of parents can't or won't acknowledge that your struggling and need help Because "my kid can't be anything other than perfect". These types of parents see you as a reflection or extension of themselves. They can't ever acknowledge that they're struggling and need help. Their upbringing makes them see it as "admitting defeat" i.e I'm perfect therefore my kid is perfect and no one can say or do otherwise. Don't let their influence impede your progress in life. Aka F the haters you be you.
Primed Ember, check out ADHD rewired. Theyre an ADHD coaching community plus some other stuff. Its coaching not therapy because its focused on how to move forward rather than analyzing the past like therapy. They do a 10 week course for about $1300 built by ADHD brains about how to build a purposeful life with ADHD. Then you have lifetime access to their community resources. I havent done it yet cuz of the money but they do have a podcast where you can get a sense of what it would be like. Just a resource if you need it.
Masking has been extremely effective in allowing me to function in professional settings. The tip is to give yourself plenty of time and a safe area to decompress and not mask. Personally, I heavily compartmentalize by masking when it comes to my career but then surround myself w/ family and friends that understand me. It's like having 2 lives. B/c of how society views these behaviors, I wouldn't have a chance of being taken seriously if I just let it loose at the office. It's just the way the world works if you choose to making a living w/ being part of a hierarchical organization. ADHD behaviors will drop you to the bottom in a blink of an eye. I have experienced personal proof of this through the pandemic. I had struggled to gain traction in my current office for some time b/c you can only mask so much and still perform. However, once we moved to working from home I rapidly started moving up the ranks. I think this is b/c I could be myself at home while presenting a polished view of myself through limited and highly controlled video meetings. Come to think of it, work from home could be one of the greatest tools that ADHD folks could use to help neutralize social weaknesses.
How do you know that you're masking then? Because im not sure since its normal for me and id like to know the difference between what is "normal" and whats not.
Honestly, as someone who is just going through getting a diagnosis at 35, I feel like I've been subconsciously masking for so long that I legitimately can't tell what is the mask and what isn't. I feel like it's going to take a lot of work and much therapy to un-learn "how to act" and figure out who I really am underneath.
Yeh I feel this. I have no idea if I am masking. I do what is expected of me in certain situation where I try really hard to be "Normal" but aside from those select moments (you know job interviews etc) I'm just me. I don't know if I mask outside of those times.
I can tell I’ve been masking when I experience immense relief to get away from the people who make feel like I need to mask. Which is pretty much everyone but family. My family is great.
I get this. You find out you were masking when you realise that you had put so much energy into it that you've reached a point of exhausting that directed energy. Often having done it with enough convincing vigour to end up in a situation beyond your capacity to cope with it. That's how it is with me. I think it's optimism and people like seeing that. It's an upward spiral until suddenly it isn't.
No lie, my therapist sent me here because she loves your work, and I'm like, "oh yeah that girl? She rocks! I'm currently using some strategies she's mentioned to help me through going back to school!" I dunno if you *feel* awesome, but you really are and have helped me in my life!
Not me bursting into tears half way through the video. I was injured in a bad head on collision 3 months ago and I’ve been suffering from a concussion on top of having ADHD. I’ve started my “return back to work” plan and to say that i’m “struggling” would be an understatement. I work in childcare and my centre is currently understaffed. I love my kids so much but with this concussion I have no energy to mask and I’m finding working just 4 hours every other day incredibly hard. I work tomorrow and I’m in tears because I don’t know how I’ll make it through another shift like this. I’m in so much pain and I can’t think straight. I don’t know why I’m venting here… it just felt safe.
@@emmaconstantinides9576 funny story… I was rear-ended like a month after I left that comment and was re-concussed. I currently have post-concussion-syndrome… but my pain has finally lessened. I’m now working just one or two half shifts a week. I don’t think I’ll ever return to working in childcare full-time, but I’ve come to terms with that. I’ve been working on art and photography and I hope to build onto that. There’s a version of LSD and DMT that can be purchased for micro-dosing legally in Canada. People have been having incredible success with treating adhd, depression and anxiety with it and it’s been shown to help the brain build and create new neurological networks. I just had a consult and I’m hoping to try it soon. My friend with adhd has tried it for a month now and he’s been able to completely go off of his meds and feels the best he’s ever felt in his life. Says his mind is quiet and he can set intentions for the day and be super productive.
I think this is the main reason women are so under-diagnosed and under-treated. We mask REALLY well. We try to be tough because no one seems to care if it reduces our quality of life to nothing as long as we can “roll with the punches” and mask the majority of the time (often with self deprecating humor). But left untreated, ADHD reduces average life expectancy by fourteen years! And in some studies up to twenty!! It’s exhausting, mind-numbing and soul destroying to feel like we aren’t actually good people or acceptable the way we are. That is a horrible way to live. But it’s almost unforgivable for a woman to really show her neurodivergence. Especially when we were also often verbally abused or humiliated for our struggles as children. We just mask and keep hoping to one day “finally” grow up - until we are middle aged facing the hollow recognition that we can never be good enough. Which can be so shameful for a woman that she just doesn’t even want to see HERSELF without the mask and beats herself up every time it slips. We need to wake up and recognize our society is literally failing itself if neurodivergent people are considered “deficit” or “deficient” when they fail to mask and if they HAVE to be medicated to have any quality of life or improved life expectancy in our existing society. The fact people feel the need to mask something so normal and that their silent struggles reduce their quality of life and life expectancy SO MUCH is a massive public health crisis. This needs to be addressed with BIG campaigns and public education. We need real solutions for real life beyond coping and medicating. Employers need to consider more creative options for neurodivergent people to unmask in the workforce, because we are SO gifted and have SO much incredible value to offer when we are truly enabled. That’s why we always hear about our massive “potential” if we could just fit the mold. When is society going to realize they are screwing their OWN potential by forcing us to fit into a box?
As someone with Persistent Depressive Disorder, this is my entire life. I'm constantly sad and that's just socially "weird". So, I always put on a happy face, at home, at work, and with friends. It's exhausting. I feel you!
I had so many opportunities as a teenager to be diagnosed. I was only diagnosed recently at age 28. This is making me think perhaps my masking was too "good". I even brought up to a counselor when I was a teen that I might have ADHD and he dismissed it.
Yep, same story. I never struggled in school since I generally found it boring / easy. Turns out i was just never really challenged & when i hit engineering in college the need to stay on task / organize / socialize hit me like a truck & i basically failed my first couple years. Diagnosed at 23, as soon as i found meds that worked & learned the root of the struggle i jumped from a D student to an A student. Just knowing the root of my struggles made long- standing depression dissappear; no longer was I fighting who I was. I definitely still mask at work, but that's a conscious choice which makes it much less draining.
I also experienced this. I am very good socially, which seems to have masked it with almost everyone as a kid. I had to work so hard to show my real, struggles to a therapist to get taken seriously, and even then the first person said it was only anxiety :(
Yep this exact thing happened to me too. When I finally saw a psychiatrist she was very hostile and of course that made me mask up. Then at the end of the session she said I couldn't have ADHD because I wasn't diagnosed as a kid and I wasn't presenting obvious symptoms! Apparently she got her degree at Harvard but she was a total joke. 🙄 It was only when I found a specialist who was also neurodivergent that I was able to get a diagnosis, because she actually knew what to look for!
@@wiegraf9009 funny thing, same problem as an adult trying to find proper testing. Landed at the house of a retired psychiatrist who only did testing for students at the local collage (where i was a student). Old guy had a hook for a hand, and wrote his notes with that hook. Rather memorable, and it was so clear he loved helping people. Such an interesting guy.
Masking is so harmful. I've been undoing a lifetime of masking and now everyone things I'm faking because I used to be "normal". Nobody takes my condition seriously. It even took me a long time to understand how severe my symptoms were because I had masked hard enough to even convince myself. Unmasking can feel a lot like your symptoms are getting worse at first. But it's worth it for your overall agitation levels.
they don't have to take it seriously only you do. i never have cared what others think or say about me so sadly i have no break through revelation to share. but im for the most part happy with myself.
I’ve been masking so long I’m not sure I can revert considering my parents are hyper conservative and don’t believe in ADHD. Dad is so bad he doesn’t believe in evolution lol
It’s so tiring to be teen in a world where it feels like people like us aren’t fit to have a place in it. It makes me question if anything I’m doing is even worth it, and it just crushes any of my will to do anything at all, along with my mood.
When I told my aunt I was officially diagnosed with adhd as an adult, she asked if adhd "went away" in adulthood. I explained to her what masking was. Adhd doesn't go away, we learn to mask our behaviors to project the image of an NT human. Which often explains why I have outbursts in my car once I'm away from the situation that required my masking in the first place.
Oh jeez. Feel you on that. I come out of many social situations and just sit down at my computer and just curse to myself for a brief moment or two. It's crazy how draining it is. Thank you for sharing.
Yeah, I feel the pain ☹️ I was diagnosed as a kid, but my parents only took actions so primary school could "handle" me better. When I went to secondary school they stopped. It didn't matter anyway, because "adhd goes away during adolescence" 🤦♀️ I reached out to an adhd foundation which gave me names of psychiatrists who specialises in adhd when I was at university because I was struggling so much.
So glad I got the best treatment for my autistic son who is only 4 years old I've been using Dr Oyalo Herbal medicine and it has been really helpful,💯 his speech has improved completely and he can now respond to name when called and can also say what he want.
I have started showing your videos to fellow teachers!! This one is SO important, especially in the primary grades, where some of the teachers at my school are convinced sitting still, facing one direction & listening attentively (in the stereotypical way) is the ultimate goal!! I teach Music/Drama to ALL the classes. One little guy in grade 1 was doing circles, hands on his desk, body walking around his desk as I introduced my Music lesson the other day. And as though parroting the classroom teacher, another STUDENT said, “J-- needs to be sitting down, facing forward to show that he’s listening.” I just responded, “I can tell J-- is hearing me. He is just fine. Worry about yourself, please.” He just needed to walk around as I talked! NOT a problem to me. I am also becoming very aware of the self-deprecating talk many of our neuro-divergent students exhibit! It’s shocking how many of them seem to think they are BAD at school. Or they can’t understand why they try so hard, and still struggle, when they seem to understand the subject, like Math, for example. Ugh!!! We HAVE to change our mindset!!! And change the WAY we gauge knowledge, too! Don’t even get me started on standardized testing!
So glad I got the best treatment for my autistic son who is only 4 years old I've been using Dr Oyalo Herbal medicine and it has been really helpful,💯 his speech has improved completely and he can now respond to name when called and can also say what he want.
Can't wait to watch this. I was thinking recently about how a lot of Dr's don't take me seriously, and I think that may be part of my masking. Im so good at faking it that I don't really seem sick
@tutu8896 I went through that for years because we learn to “fake it til you make it” as a child. (Or at least I did) and was brushed off for years and years because I was told “I just have my hands full as a mom, everyone goes through this, you’re just overwhelmed, it might be depression” YEARS. SEEING PROFESSIONALS. UNTIL… I had a doctor unexpectedly leave and the person who I saw after them LISTENED TO ME 🥺 and referred me to someone else, who ultimately sent me to a neurologist who quickly diagnosed my ADHD and I finally have SOME answers/explanation for why I am the way I am. This channel is so helpful in learning and I just love her message and positivity. Best of wishes to you, fellow brain!
@@robina.9402 super this! I‘ve gotten to deal with this for multiple long term issues and not being heard. Plus I work in healthcare so I also hear it from my patients when they tell me so-and-so provider isn’t listening or is brushing off their concerns. Add in being different in any other way in the US (skin color, language, level of fitness or obesity, etc.) and the bias just sky rockets 😤
I recently had this problem with a neuropsychologist. I masked so hard she claimed I don’t have ADHD because I did well on my tests and “didn’t fidget”. I fidget with my toes in public 😭
Been there. I once fooled someone who specializes in diagnosing autism because I was masking really well. But at the time I didn't even know what masking was and since I was in my late 20's masking in front of strangers was something I just did without thinking about it. It had become too ingrained.
I have a funny story about fidgeting. At my very first appointment with a psychiatrist pursuing an official ADHD diagnosis, I did something that I didn't consciously remember doing it in the moment. It was only when my wife pointed it out afterward that I remembered it happening. While I was sitting on the couch answering questions, I slowly walked a throw pillow over into my lap and then proceeded to constantly zip and unzip the cover. She told me about it and I was like "wow, you're right!" and thinking "well if that isn't a sign..."
Masking, especially long-term, constant masking, is so exhausting. This video really made me feel seen and heard. Over the past year at my new job (and it is the best job I've ever had, so I really don't want to leave after 2-3 years like I always do lol), I have slowly but surely been "removing the mask" a bit here and there, and seeing how things go. I am noticing that other people in my Zoom or IRL meetings don't seem to freak out or react the way that I'm always expecting them to. Fidgeting, stimming, or even wording something in a very obviously neurodivergent manner seems to be getting a bit more accepted, at least in some professional arenas (I work in tech).
I didn't know I masked until I went to go get support and didn't get it because I made it seem like I was OK... Because that's just how I do things. I didn't even know how to turn that off because I wasn't aware I was doing it.
When I stopped masking it felt really awkward, like I was being rude. The relief that it brought is overwhelming. I'm gonna fidget and I'm not consciously going to make an effort to make eye contact. If that bothers you, well that's your problem. This is also why I strongly prefer to sit besides someone instead of across from
Well... it does APPEAR rude, but you're right: it's that persons problem as long as you're listening to people talking to you. If you're not listening because of it, then it actually is rude.
@@holynder3181 OP is going to have social problems if they believe that anyone will tolerate this behavior. You are supposed to make effort when talking to people you like. If you treat them like you aren't trying then they are going to rightfully be pissed off.
@@kikook222 They didn't say they wouldn't make any effort, I'm pretty sure they mean they aren't gonna stress and try to force themselves to focus on the other persons pupils in a conversation to 'appear' normal.
So just because you are a shy person or have never been taught how to properly socialize you now claim to have level 100 autism.... you people are delusional and phonies.
@@kikook222 I don't think they meant what you think they meant. They only mentioned two things, that they're going to fidget and that they won't be making too much eye contact. They aren't doing those things to be rude, they're doing them so they can better focus on what you'd be saying. If this person made more of an effort to not fidget and to make eye contact then they'd be more likely to not soak up or even hear what the other person is saying because they're too focused on "being normal". Everyone is different, if someone would really struggle with talking to someone who fidget and won't make eye contact then they need to have a change of mind and perspective. Or they could just not talk to the person that fidgets, but personally I think that would be more rude to ignore someone rather than not looking them in the eye.
I have a lot of issues with masking. I have found that I only act like myself when I'm by myself. With my own friends and family and even my therapist, I hide what I'm really feeling or thinking, I smile even when I feel like crying, and I try so hard to pay attention to what they're saying that I end up missing what they said. I try to act "normal" so much around other people that I literally cannot even force myself to act like myself when I'm not alone anymore. I don't even think about how to bury it all and act "normal", it just happens so naturally now that I forget that I'm even doing it, and once I'm alone I realize what I did and it kills me. It makes me feel so horrible, like I'm deceiving them, but I don't know how to stop. And I must be a master at acting like nothing is wrong because no one ever seems to notice. The few times I'd brought it up to my family they'd just tell me I couldn't possibly have ADHD because I don't look impulsive or inattentive, so it's just not possible. My therapist told me ADHD is over-diagnosed, and I was just overreacting. And every time they'd tell me those things, it'd feel like I'm being rejected and they don't care, and that my thoughts and opinions don't matter. And honestly at this point, I've given up all hope on anyone ever actually acknowledging my problems. I've given in to the fact that this is just how it is, that there's nothing "wrong" with my brain. Just something wrong with me.
That’s what masking is. Is pretending to be “normal” when you’re not. I thought everyone wore a mask in society to get what they want when in reality these are things that people naturally just do
I learned to mask as a child after watching my older brother be labeled as 'Special Needs' and getting teased for it. My mother saw I was unhappy, and eventually I agreed to see a psychologist and masked so well for her that this trained professional who specializes in children with disabilities believed I was normal as can be. Years later, I suffered an injury and burnout really started to hit, but I only broke down after trying to leave home for university. I only lasted until Christmas break. Now I am an adult. I do chores around the house, but I don't have a job or degree, even though I know I have something to add. But imagine my potential job interview. "So, I don't have a degree, but I need a desk job because of an old knee injury, and I can't work with scented products, including perfume, being used around me because it gives me headaches. Oh, and I also burnout easily, so I'll need at least three hours of off-time for every hour that I work, and I can't be counted on to consistently show up because I never know what my mental state is going to look like at any given time." Yeah. Totally a winner. After self-acceptance, the hardest part has been the un-masking. I don't have any issue being myself, but other people seem to have issue with me for no reason. It seems that every time I put myself out there and try out a new community, sooner or later those who are in charge will single me out for some minor infraction that absolutely must be dealt with. Try to get people to come together and contribute to a community project? Stop being so bossy. Make a couple jokes and then call yourself a troll in public? Go sit in the naughty corner. I know I can't be the only one who sees this happening to them. I try. I really do. But I feel like I'm actively being brushed aside and that the people in charge are forcing me to continue hanging out only with the same, small group of friends who accept me the way I am.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
I would have been so screwed if I hadn’t done art. My portfolio got me freelance work without getting into my nonexistent credentials, and I worked alone. That was before computers made commercial artists into graphic designers and illustrators increasingly irrelevant. There were a handful of us doing that kind of work in my town, and people couldn’t hire someone from anywhere via the Internet. I don’t know what I would do now.
I noticed the same thing when it comes to being treated differently, especially being singled out for some minor infraction that anybody else would be let off for. It's like other people sense that you hold yourself to a higher standard and punish you the same way you punish yourself with guilt when you make a mistake. Maybe it's our inability to show our imperfection that makes other people want to point out our mistakes. Maybe it's also the fact that people who can't understand and relate to you are never going to be on your side. It's the most alienating feeling in the world.
thank you for making this video! I learned as someone with ADHD and ASD to mask my stimming by finding something that's "socially acceptable" for fidgeting. it took me until adulthood to find that knitting and crochet work best for me with that. It actually got me through the first year of university, and I had a lecturer who used to joke about me knitting at the back of her classes, but I told her it helped me focus and she was good with it.
I drew pictures anytime anywhere for help with focusing. Gaming and cosplay hand sewing works as well for me. Family history does it also since figuring out some missing info is quite the challenging puzzle and I love puzzles.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
I have ADHD, but never accepted having it. My father always told me it was an excuse for not meeting neurotypical standards. i have never felt save being myself, and putting down my mask. This channel is opening me up to accept i have ADHD, so thank you for that.
My parents always tried to convince me I was never shy but I just pretended to be so - the truth is I always pretended I wasn't :) And last years I was diagnosed with ADHD - now I'm glad I won that argument :D
Maybe you weren't actually shy? People used to think that of me sometimes (I've been called timid and shy to my face) but I'm not. I don't really keep things overly private, I'm decently easy to share. But I'm also selectively mute in a chunk of social situations. Things like talking to a person/teacher I didn't choose to talk to and didn't actually get personally introduced to while having to speak in a language I wasn't really comfortable speaking like that because it wasn't one of my two native languages (in which I still get selectively mute at times and I'm 29 now). I literally didn't know how to interact or how to do this social stuff on several levels. It wasn't shyness, it was autism. In hindsight I wish I'd just had more confidence to speak up, but I also know it wasn't solely a confidence issue. Being put on the spot like that still makes me shut down to this day and I've since become basically fluent, or at least fluent enough in two more languages (English and German). I used to say that if I hadn't had autism I would be an extrovert and probably a social butterfly to some extend. I always wanted the big friend groups and big parties but my brain couldn't handle them and I couldn't handle the social stuff that comes with and before it. In short: it might not be shyness, it might be something to do with not knowing how to do social stuff (lacking the skills/isnights of neurotypicals) and preferring not to interact instead. Was this clear or am I being a confusing mess here? It's sometimes difficult to gauge for me.
I don't think anyone, whether they're your parents or not, can tell you what to feel, or deny what you say you're feeling. Well they shouldn't anyway.. I hope you can still trust your own feelings
I've often felt like my internal processing speed is pretty slow, then I realized it's because I'm constantly rechecking every aspect of my behavior and responce. I literally experience latency in my responses sometimes because of information bottlenecking. But in the rare moments I'm not "double checking" my actions I just fly along. It gives me low level anxiety interacting with people I dont know closely because I have to constantly check my internal algorithms for conversation and responce, and constantly worry about messing up or responding incorrectly or not at all. All while making sure I'm not monotone in my responces. Honestly having to wear a (real)mask at work has it's benefits: I only need to move my eyes like I'm smiling and not my whole face. My mask has changed over time and reflects a lot of who I actually am, but it's so tiring because I basically have to manually boost every social aspect by a factor of 3 to be at "normal" social levels. Fortunately my social battery seems to have increased as I've gotten older, but I still feel it wearing on me.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
Same here. Meditation and forcing myself to socialise has helped me. When relaxing and watching a movie wit my a friend, I started to feel more comfortable saying what comes to mind and not worrying so much about how I look.
I actually gave up on masking a while ago. Didn’t know there was a word for it haha. Always called it “acting”. And it ate me up, because I knew that I was hiding my real self, which I think is unethical. I was so tired of stifling myself. But yes, ever since I gave up “masking”, things have been so much easier. And I feel so much more alive and free. Life is better. I’m happier, more energetic. If you’re reading this, please let this little anecdote of mine show you that it is most certainly worth it. I guarantee that you’ll find that you have much good to offer to those around you. Even with your flaws. Just takes a leap of courage 😉
I really like your point at 3:30. I've had this same debate with myself and my depression. How much of it am I responsible for, what does it mean to even have a mental illness like that or adhd. And the conclusion I came to was this little phrase I repeat to myself when it feels like I just want to let my depression and adhd "take over" It's an explanation of my behavior, not an excuse for it. I am still responsible for getting up in the morning. I am still responsible for dealing with my symptoms. All the world needs to do is understand I'm trying, and give me the breathing room I need to function. But at the end of the day, it's still my job to get up when that alarm goes off.
So true. I always say ‘it’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility’ so I don’t get too down on myself. Those two things can get conflated sometimes, but it’s important to remember we aren’t “bad” for not always winning the fight against certain things.
3:00 My example to normal people would be to go into a very uncomfortable conversation, and you're not allowed to use any filler words, or you will be called out, and probably fail to get anything out of the conversation. No "uh, umm, like, well," no pauses, just talk "correctly". That's how masking feels, all the time, but instead of filler words, it's my weird adhd/autisim behaviors.
I was born with Asperger's syndrome and was misdiagnosed with ADHD. I can relate to everything you just said, the masks and burn out, I find it difficult to explain these things to others so thank you for giving me a way to do so 😊.
Something my therapist said (that has stuck with me) in response to me calling myself and interests "weird" is this: "Better to be weird than boring." and if you think about it, who wants to be normal? Be extraordinary ! Be weird !
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
So glad I got the best treatment for my autistic son who is only 4 years old I've been using Dr Oyalo Herbal medicine and it has been really helpful,💯 his speech has improved completely and he can now respond to name when called and can also say what he want.
I just realized that I didn’t “calm down at puberty”, it was that my family had a housemate round the time I started puberty who shamed me into masking a LOT more and guilt me when the masking slipped. On a brighter note, I’m finally gonna be talking to a professional to get screened for adhd tomorrow, sure it took till college but, woo
@@dangodongle I had to break down crying for her to take me seriously after several instances of me talking about how I've never been able to do normal stuff and her basically been like "well have you tried to do lists and setting aside time?". Even tho she didn't think I needed screening till I broke down, and was still hesitant afterwards, she still was more than happy to prescribe me wellbutrin (which from what I've heard is kinda a major antidepressent which also works for adhd), but I eventually convinced her to refer me for adhd screening. Basically went "well I can prescribe u this for now, I don't think u have to ask for testing rn I can do that later after u try meds-" "uhhhh no plz put that in rn I'm not gonna go on meds till I get screened" So anyway now I've filed a grievance case because I had to convince her not to do a malpractice (prescribe without screening) and I'd like her to get in just enough trouble to not do that in the future to someone not as stubborn as me.
@@chaotic-goodartistry3903 Good on you for doing that! It's infuriating how difficult it is to get help when you actually actively seek it out from professionals. I was on the verge of tears and breaking down the last time I saw my usual psychiatrist when she said there was nothing else to do when my meds weren't working too great for me. You would hope something like that would indicate to a professional psychiatrist that they're looking at a person who needs help. Nope. I got kicked out because apparently the last sentence I muttered, "I can't go on like this", was the first sentence I didn't whisper, and I was told I'm not going to "scream" in her office. She wouldn't refer me to get diagnosed for ADHD or ASD. She said "you don't look depressed". Well, yeah. I'm not depressed. I'm burnt out from masking without even knowing it. I got diagnosed with ASD (not before I submitted a 7 page document to the diagnosing psychiatrist after he said he didn't have enough background info to diagnose me with certainty). I'm also technically diagnosed with ADHD because those meds are the only thing that has ever had a positive effect on me. I'm still waiting for another diagnosis so I can get official recognition and aid, but take my story as yet another example of how difficult it is to get PROFESSIONALS to BELIEVE you when you ask for help. And I'm a guy. I know it's even worse for girls and women going through a similar thing. I really wish the world of mental medicine would finally progress past this point where people have to work so hard just to be believed they're struggling.
@@technicolourmyles Yeah, the whole process is infuriating. Good luck with your gauntlet run thru dealing with our medical system and its "professionals"!
Self improvement doesn't equal overcoming differences. We overcome difficulties, not uniqueness. What a beautiful perspective, Jess!! More love, power, and naps to you!
I needed this today. I'm exhausted from masking, from constant gear-switching, from being forced to ignore how my brain works because it's not enough for the people who demand more from me
So useful, thank you! ❤️ The first professional I consulted (a 'normal' doctor, not a specialist) didn't think I was "ADHD enough" because I'm not a "typical case". The second professional, a psychiatrist, did believe me, understand me better and took me seriously and offered the help I needed. That was a little off-topic, but hear me out: the first doctor thought I didn't have any hyperactivity going on. We were meeting through a web cam connection and therefore my leg bouncing, knucle cracking etc. went unnoticed. To the psychiatrist, I simply info-dumped the symptoms which hadn't come up in the interview and emphasized them. It can make one feel ashamed or scared to admit that they're not neurotypical, "normal". BUT I promise that your symptoms are just differences. Some make it hard for us to function in the society, but some are simply parts of us that make us, us. We can claim them as aspects of our personality! ("just aspects of my personality" was actually what I thought before I got to know I might have ADHD and then later got it confirmed) The first professional might not believe you. The second might not, either. BUT there will be someone out there who takes your troubles and worries seriously and helps you out!! Don't hesitate to make a list about your lovely - and less lovely - quirks and info-dump that to them! They're there to help you, that's their job. Lots of love, peeps, we have our struggles but also our amazing strengths! ❤️
This video helped me understand myself so much better. I've always just thought of myself as having, like, 2 selves within me. When I was in school, I could focus well on lectures and work and do so much. But the moment I got home, i was DEAD. Because it took so much energy to be that way. And all I was able to do after school was lay in bed and watch videos or play casual games. When I got to college, it all exploded and caved in on itself and the levels of focus and masking I'd have to do to keep up with the work was just too much and it burned me 100 feet down in the ground. Once it all snapped and I couldn't do it anymore (during COVID, so online classes), I was literally just playing games and watching streams during my lectures because I couldn't focus anymore. Before, I didn't know it was masking. I didn't even know I was ADHD. I just thought I broke as a person. It makes so much more sense to me now that I know it was just masking and my mask breaking. I was never actually truly that person I was in school.
I cannot thank you enough - your videos helped me really get through to my dad who also has ADHD, but didn't quite understand it therefore not quite understanding me. He often starts phone calls with me with "Hello Brain!" now and it warms my heart. Just had to get that out there,
It's amazing that burnout, executive function, and masking are being talking about! In work and in general. I have had a long relationship with poor executive function and masking since I can remember. I had an autism diagnosis at 12, and then felt I needed to hide the diagnosis to still do my acting jobs and my ballet dancing and modeling etc., My parents let me decide who to tell and that was huge because I could reveal what I needed, in my own time, to whomever needed to help me. I didn't tell anybody aside from a couple of doctors until I was an adult because no one ever believed me. Even most of my doctor's didn't believe me. Then I got very sick and regressed a lot because it had been too much. This is when people believed me. 9 years after diagnosis. Let your friends and family know, when you're comfortable with it. I explain things and send them videos from the channel so they can better understand what I got through for certain, seemingly mundane, tasks. I am thankful my family accepts me for me- Wheelchair, sunglasses, autism and more! I almost never feel I need to be who I'm not with them, and I'm so grateful. Now I do still feel pressure in meetings and trying to make friends. Especially, first impressions until I can express my neurodivergence. Now that this is really being a bit more accepted and talked about (thank you and everyone else getting the word out!), I don't feel the need to try to fit in to the mold everyone else has. I'll wear my headphones and sunglasses while I am in my wheelchair and I kind of like it now because it's also a signal to others that maybe I need more assistance with something should anything go wrong. I know those are like obvious autism/SPD/ADHD stuff but it can help. I have less burnout too because I've been forgiving myself. Thanks for helping me with that too. 🤗 they may be able to recognize I could have autism or Sensory processing disorder or something and help me. That's a double edged sword but even though I stand out- I think it's good because then people know to not expect normal. I do this everywhere so it's much more normal for me now. I don't even consider going places without both of those things now. I'm excited to read into that app because the time blindness is real for me! It's honestly my biggest fear. Maybe because of that. I never thought about hat! 💡
Fellow timeblind brain here! I also find it helpful to use and app that makes a sound every hour, just to remind me time exists. Just passing it along in case you find it helpful as well~
Watching these types of videos always gives me relief but makes me cry. Nothing I ever feel is put into words by other people in my life because no one else understands so when I watch this channel, I feel a little bit less crazy
Diagnosed with Asperger's here. For those who don't know, it's basically high-functioning autism, but I still get really focused on specific things I like (technology and video games are my personal focus hobbies) and I get extremely anxious in social situations with people I don't know yet. I've been jobless for years because I cannot mask very well in front of new people (it's always very obvious that I'm anxious), so I would definitely not do well working in typical retail positions where I would have to interact with thousands of customers per day, and my dream job of computer programming requires so much training that I cannot get because I don't have the money.
@@ploopybear It's somewhat easy to learn the languages, yes, but less easy to actually get certification for them, which is what most jobs will require.
It's certainly a term. Role taking might be another, and as Jessica says, it is something everyone does, a part of being human and social. The issue here seems to be that masking neurodivergent behaviour is tougher because it tries to hide more necessary behaviours often with less resources for doing so. Hence burnout. However, how this links to the (very expensive) advertised product, I am still puzzling over.
I didn't know masking was a thing. My therapist mentioned the term the other day, but I didn't think to look it up until I heard it again today. This explains so much, and I wish I had known about this sooner. I'm neurodivergent; I've felt exhausted, burnt out, misunderstood. It's hard for me to do "normal" things, it takes a lot of concentration and people sometimes get mad at me during those days I'm too tired to fully pretend. And I'm not alone. Thank you for helping me. 💛
I've found i have definitely hit my burnout, especially last year. My mother is getting angrier and less tolerant of me because ive become a sad sack of burnout and my friends think im ignoring them on purpose or that i dont care about them because Im too socially awkward to start a conversation. Now that im out of school a lot of my masking has fallen away, and my depression has increased so im lacking motivation to do much of anything, and its starting to become a real issue that im not sure how to get out of it
Look deep into yourself in order to find your true calling and accept who you are. Also don't worry about what others will think or say (if you do), just focus on being your authentic self. Sure it's easier said than done, but with time things will get better. Also, talking to a therapist will definitely help you, but only if you open up and say what you truly feel. Hope this helps!
I began by getting out of bed and sitting in the sun. I'm not too sure about what to do after that because I've just started, but I am planning on tackling small bits of exercise. Then we'll see.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
Step one: get of your butt. How and why is for you to find out. Start a "job" walking someone's dog every day. (Paid or volunteer.) Many people with them need help sometime, and people you meet out there will be talking to the dog or to you about the dog (easy to prepare for those encounters/ people are so predictable when faced with a certain type of situation...) If you have trouble talking to your friends, tell them that! "Hi, I love to hang out, but do not know what to say". Afaik I know nobody minds the nice, quiet one. Sometimes it is very comforting to have someone like you around!
My daughter was diagnosed with autism and ADHD a few years ago and it's been such a journey. I am grateful for your videos to help me understand how her mind works!!! Thank you 😊 💓
I was really fortunate in college to have some professors be really supportive of my need to stim/fidget/cross-stitch while in lectures and classes. Others were less supportive, or mid-way supportive, saying that they understood that I was paying attention but my fellow students may feel unheard. This led to exactly what you describe: masking, and losing out on the ability to actually process and retain the information being given. In grad school, I have yet to have a professor approach me this way, and it's been really great. Being able to do some classes on Zoom without the camera on means I can get comfortable, and turning off the microphone means I can even fidget in ways that would be noisy or distracting to others. I've also been working recently on dismantling the shame I feel for sitting weird, trying to shut off the part of my brain that says it's unprofessional at work when I tuck my leg or legs under or don't sit up totally straight. I have to remind myself that actually, it's weird to care. I'm getting my work done and it's getting done well, so who cares how I'm sitting in the chair? Realizing where the voices in my head came from (who put them there by shaming me when I was young) and reminding myself that they're not me and don't align with my values helps.
You have helped me understand and come to terms with my adhd so much. Thank you. I was a "gifted" kid and told I was too smart and well adjusted to have adhd for years because I spent the entirety of my teenage years masking to fit in. I burned out when I was 20 and it took ten years for me to come to terms with it and start to be more gentle with myself.
OMG. Masking. I'm so blessed I have friends that allow me to not be masked, and love me for all of my quirks. Sitting weird is a thing, for real though. And you're right. Just because you are not masked does not give you the right to be a jerk. Make it a great day, Missy!
i have ADHD, and i struggle by often burnout because of masking. i used to be homeschooled with two close friends but now im in school and classes and its extremely difficult for me. as i sat through the video i was like "huh, but i dont care about the way i sit next to others.. oh, but i can sit still..." but then i realized my masking comes in my inattentive way of talking too much and always losing focus in conversation. im a talker and im a loud (but lovely) person, and my masking is through sitting in silence and observe with the fear i might say something out of pocket or insenstive.
I am sitting here crying watching this. I am Neurodivergent and my parents aren’t explaining these kind of things is so hard for me because I stumble over my word then I get frustrated and I can’t do it or I give up. Seeing this video completely explain how I’m feeling and how to explain it, makes me cry happy tears, hopefully will help them see things differently. Thank you so much for your channel
Beautifully done, as usual, Miss Jessica! I wanted to point out (as you have done in other videos) that another negative consequence of masking is that it makes some people (especially girls & women -- really anyone who is "atypically atypical"😊) much harder to diagnose. As more people (neuro-divergent & neurotypical) become aware of realities such as masking, & learn to recognize their manifestations, more positive change can be effected. This is a huge part of why I am so passionate about education. I have thanked you, Jessica, a thousand times for your vitally important work, & for this wonderful channel (my #1 favorite regarding ADHD), but I'm thanking you again. * I am 63 & very happy & productive right now (most of the time!), but I can't help wishing that this information had been available earlier in my life. It would have saved me SO much confusion, frustration, distress, self-recrimination, & shame. What I CAN do, now, is help get the word out!
She said "Which helps me see time better" and I don't remember what happened for the rest of the video because I was laughing too hard. Alarms help me and even then I don't always hear them because I'm hyperfocused and if I lose that concentration it will frustrate me. Sunsama might work for me. Thank you!
Adhd type 1 here, and yes to so much of this. Thank you! I've even had to learn to mask online, because neurotypicals love to constantly bully and criticise me for neurodivergent behaviours online if I don't mask in my online behaviour (constant criticism of comments being "too long" apparently must somehow mean I'm "upset" or "triggered" by something, using "big words" must somehow mean I think I'm "better than you" or trying to "sound smart", and commenting on subjects that aren't small talk with well thought out answers is going "too deep"). It's exhausting when you're constantly having to mask and edit your natural behaviour even online so people don't get the wrong idea about your emotional state of mind and accuse you of being something you're not or of using the wrong tone. :/
I'm greatful my ADD/ADHD boyfriend doesnt feel the need to mask himself, I think he's amazing the way he is, anyone who says ND people arent wonderful for who they are, are absolutely insane. Neurodivergency isnt an "inconvenience" for anyone but the people who struggle with the negative sides of it, literally the only time I have to "get onto" my boyfriend is when he gets a little too excited when playing games with his friends because he'll randomly scream really loud at random times of the night so I have to remind him that we're not the only ones living here and to be mindful of others sleeping haha
Your brain state absolutely can be an inconvienience for others and very well can and does affect others. This is obvious when you look at literally any antisocial behaviour.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
I didn’t notice how much I fidget in my chair during class nor how many time I interrupt people. no one ever commented on it. So, when I took the check list for ADHD, I barely failed which prompted them to do more tests. The good think is that I am not overly conscious of it and ignore these things most time
Thank you for this Jess. Masking makes me feel like 2 people. The desirable (fulfills the needs of others) and the undesirable (being exhausted by it all). The differentiation is so large it's definitely not natural.
the fact that you have an option for those that are in a less than satisfactory financial situation literally made me cry. Your channel helps me feel seen and validated in a world that has nothing but criticism and shame to offer me. Thank you so very much for your channel. it is a literal godsend.
I've been masking for most of my life. The good news is most of it is so well ingrained that it takes no extra memory slots to do, like learning a new skill. It's literally automatic. Things like walking hunched is something I don't do anymore. I also move my arms when walking like a normal person would. I've even learned a sense of humor. 😅 But there are some things I just can't do. Stimming is something I can't really control, for example. I can think hard to control it, but I can't make it automatic.
Do you know anything else about the walking without swinging arms thing? You reminded me that I used to do that as a kid until my parents literally coached me out of it at one point. I've never heard anybody else mention it and I'm curious how it could be related to ADHD or Autism.
My family lovingly jokes about my inability to sit in a chair "normally." My 3-year-old has inherited this from me, and it fills me with joy! HE knows how to sit properly, dang it! 😂 If I felt I could sit in MY normal way at work without being seen as unprofessional, I'd do it in a heartbeat! (I work at a veterinary clinic, so there's not as much sitting as there would be elsewhere, thank goodness!) There's actually a computer that is less visible than the others. I like using it when my ADHD is really getting to me. I make sure I'm still in audible range if I'm needed for something, but I love tucking up my legs and sitting there for a few minutes while entering notes or checking the schedule. I'm very self-conscious and suffer from a lot of imposter syndrome, which I've learned is mainly due to ADHD. (Dang it, I know the information is in there SOMEWHERE!) If I didn't feel the need to mask at work, I honestly believe I would THRIVE in my role. The decreased anxiety, alone, would probably make it easier to remember the valuable knowledge that otherwise gets trapped in a dusty brain-drawer when I need it. Maybe I'll test the waters tomorrow by sitting "normally" to see if anyone notices. 😉 I'm so grateful for your channel! I've learned more about myself in the last 9 months of having a diagnosis than I had in the previous 30+ years, thanks to you. Thank you so much! 😊
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
I swear I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you I’ve always had bad anxiety and depression and this is why. I have to constantly pretend to be someone I’m not.
I'm in my late twenties and I'm starting to suspect that I was never diagnosed because mental healthcare is absolutely abysmal in my country. I have exhibited some of these behaviours. Some of these I corrected because of criticism while some are still prevalent to this day. I am currently experiencing another episode of severe burnout and am feeling the accompanying feelings of shame and anger at myself. I can't help but think that if I had been provided the tools to manage my anxiety and other such things, I wouldn't find myself in these situations today. Thank you for a very educational video.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
I can't say thank you enough for this. I'm diagnosed with ADHD and working with a professional towards a diagnosis of ASD (finally after ten years and no one taking me seriously) and this couldn't have come at a better time. I'm horrible at masking and have started to stop myself from masking and just let myself be.
You know, when I was in early high school, I started representing myself in my drawings as a character who literally had a mask for a face because I felt like I always had to hide a part of myself to fit in, like a social performance... Really starting to connect the dots here lol
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
Thank you for yet another video that I have to show my mom to explain stuff I struggle to verbalize sometimes. It's been really helpful in getting my mom to understand that I'm not slow nor mentally behind my peers in real life stuff, I just struggle with getting things done because I've been burnt out since right before Covid because a thing. She's finally starting to grasp how my brain works and why there are certain things I don't understand her refering to ,like being content for an hour or two listening to a wedding.
Sunsama is a system of doing good work consistently without burning out. Let me know if you try out! get.sunsama.com/a/howtoadhd
You're the best Jess thank you
For once, I may benefit more from the ad than the topic. :D
❤
Do you integrate Sunsama with a bullet journal somehow?
Trying it now. Seems super smart, just hope too much time doesn't go into "keeping up with it"
I once wrote something along the lines of "masking is basically like living every day in a job interview, trying to convince people that you're like them and worthy of a place in their world". It's exhausting.
Oh that’s a good comparison actually!
“worthy of a place in their world” damn, that one hurts
@@SM-yz4hi It's even worse than that, it hurts even more than you think. Our rulers have conditioned us into believing that those without autism or adhd are the normal ones when they are not. Our rulers have successfully brainwashed our population beyond our imagination, the vast majority of people are monkeys who can be moulded into something our rulers can profit from but those with autism and adhd are legitimately people they can't control with their collective methods so label them as second class to prevent us from threatening their structure.
It's not the average person who invented the alphabet or numerical system, it was autists and those with adhd who invented 100% of humanities inventions, the majority of so called "normal people" are just the monkeys who copied it, they're not the humans that actually matter, they are nothing more than cattle.
Our rulers stole the world from us and forced us to live as second class citizens so they could exploit the underdeveloped masses. We're not inferior to them, it's the opposite and don't let society and it's convenient mechanisms tell you otherwise.
@@omnipotentpumpkin9755 🧢
@@omnipotentpumpkin9755 and how do you even go against such mechanisms?
I went to get my ADHD diagnosis and they said “well you are definitely on a spectrum but you might be dealing with it too good to call it a disorder” and I’m like… I just told you I haven’t cleaned my room in a year and can’t call a tax office for 7 months bc I just can’t make myself. Honestly it feels like I’m being punished for being smart and putting extra effort in.
Yes!! The ignorance and judgment from others after so many years is soul crushing. They have no idea about masking and burnout and spiky profiles and people who are gifted in some ways yet very challenged in others. Seems that the special skills get minimized or pathologically envied, and the deficits are met with suspicion and disbelief. It's exhausting and demoralizing, especially when legitimate support needs are denied as a result.
Yes!!! I empathize with you, this is my story too!!!
^ THIS. I wish I could get meaningful assistance with THIS sort of thing, and not "just this once," because my issues are not a "just this once" problem.
I don't have a suggestion, but I'm right here with you! I've done so much masking for such a very long time that it's ingrained. Those who don't care to see through it when I'm trying to get help just don't see the struggle.
People clean their rooms?
/s
The hardest part is when you've been masking so long you can't tell when you're masking and when you aren't, so you mask when you don't need to or suddenly stop masking in front of people because it slips your mind.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
YES.
there's definitely more to explore about what exactly masking means, what is the 'real' me, questions about behaviour and authenticity.
And then you start to question yourself who is your real self or if you are even autistic or ADHD at the first place and you can't tell because you masking for so long you don't know how to unmask or go back to be your old self.
You are literally me. I don’t even know my own personality anymore.
The most dehumanizing part is the feeling that you are a different person around each person you meet. I have two groups of friends + my family and I feel like if i put them all in a room, I wouldn't know which "me" to be, because I don't have the same levels and areas of masking with each group.
I feel this in my soul
Recognizing this, while learning about NPD after being repeatedly targeted and exploited by those types, causes me moments of panic because NPDs also mask. I have to consciously remind myself that the underlying reasons for masking with the different diagnoses are worlds apart. The NPD's objective is more about power, control, and deceit to gain advantage at the expense of another. For ADHD/ASD, it's coping in order to fit in, contribute, function, survive, and belong.
Yes, I've struggled with the same issue, too easily conforming to friends. Less so now, but it's so natural for me to mirror the energy, body language, type of speech of whomever I'm with.
i feel like if you do whatever you're comfortable with people will like you
This hit me hard. I relate. Thank you
I was once told by a work colleague that I was the most eccentric person he ever met and why couldn't I be more normal. I asked if he considered himself normal. When he said yes, I advised I am pleased to be eccentric as I wouldn't want to be anything like him.
Yessirrrrr you go my man 🤘🐺🤘
Well that might not have been very kind. His intentions may not have been to insult you but Im certain you insulted him.
@@John-iu9kl oh believe me, his intentions were to be insulting
Yess
I feel you...
The weird irony is that when quarantine started I got a mask and I love wearing a mask because I don’t have to focus on my facial expressions: I don’t have to mask those quirks because of my actual mask
Same here...I wish my mom would still let me wear mine since it actually helps me breathe better... (it forces me to take deep breaths)
YES! I’m so happy it’s normal to wear face masks now, reduces my social anxiety and helps me focus.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
I’m the opposite I want to read peoples expressions and faces and the face is the first thing I notice
I might actually try this again...
I’m neurodivergent. And I never realized that I was masking until I took a civil rights class in college and learned the term ‘code switching’. I was so confused and angry, because until then, I thought everyone on the planet was constantly masking or code switching all the time and that’s what it meant to be in a society. I was so upset to learn that there are some people who can just BE. It was the beginning of me realizing a lot about myself.
Isnt that the worst thought for neurodivergent people like me and you. To be able to think that someone can just “be”, is a miserable thought, atleast for me, being able to see people be “normal” comparatively really hurts no matter how hard i try to fit in.
It’s scary to have those kinds of realizations about yourself. Like you can’t even trust your own perception of reality. I can remember the first time i realized, “wait, most people _don’t_ have to play detective during social interactions..? They don’t have to ‘study’ for conversations? They just… know the cues..?”
Wait, so... So people, even non neurodivergent people, don't constantly change the way they act and speak and think depending on which social groups they're interacting with?
@@Gender_Ascender oh. Oh no. I never knew that. I guess I really am that inatentive.
@@Gender_Ascender there’s code-switching and there’s adapting to the situation at hand. Being quiet and serious at a funeral vs lively and funny at a party isn’t code switching.
Constantly suppressing stims, purposely changing your accent (ie not using AAVE), and forcing facial expressions/reactions is codeswitching.
Adapting is changing your mood. Codeswitching is hiding your natural behaviors
I feel like I forgot how to be more ADHD so now I can't deal with the burnout that masking had caused. We need more literature on what kinds of behavior are healthy for ADHD even if they aren't "productive". A lot of self-help books revolve either around neurotypical productivity or around just describing what ADHD is, how it is treated, and how to compensate for its deficiencies, yet there's very little written about how to actually live with ADHD and take care of our unique needs in a healthy manner.
I started counseling recently to help me understand ADHD and it turns out my counselor was diagnosed as an adult too. Her insights have made me feel so validated! She brought up how even the name is about other people seeing a problem, not being focused on what someone else expects or being hyperactive, and didn’t name it after the root problem or how people with ADHD feel.
@@shannaseigel4003 my counselor told me the same thing and he said that during hunter gatherer times it’s been theorized that adhd was actually an evolutionary advantage and the adhders were usually community leaders
I love this idea. I'm picturing an ADHD camp with everyone fidgeting/stimming and rocking and sitting weirdly and being proud of it.
I have an ADHD coach from work who also has ADHD, and her counsel is always validating, but we are both still pretty bad at being productive workers...I feel like the best I can do in life is moments of brilliance followed by long stretches of just managing to survive...
@@wiegraf9009 Ugh, you just described my life in one sentence. This is why I'd rather be wandering around in the woods (my favorite thing) than trying to run a business.
At this point I don't even know what parts are me and what parts are a mask. I was diagnosed in 3rd grade. I've been masking since before I had a personality to mask. I can code switch so hard I can fit in with anybody. Everything feels artificial.
You might ask what I like, what's my favorite X, and honestly I have no idea. I legitimately don't know and that's so strange.
This sounds like my friend. She has no idea what she likes. She feels like she has no passions.
Wait hold up that's me-
Oh dear
wait that sounds like m-
oh
I was told "code switching makes you fake". To forgo code switching and masking is a privilege we simply don't have. Code switching and masking is a way of life for us.
It's kinda nice to hear other people have realised this about themselves too, thanks for sharing 🙏🏽 good luck working it out!!!
As much as everyone seemed to hate quarantine, I loved it because it made me more comfortable and learn not to mask as much, I didn't go out in public as often so I didn't get the constant pressure of "acting appropriate"
I also think that!
I loved quarantine aswell. I had so much time to do things that are considered weird.
Y'know... yeah. I loved being able to just do what I wanted and act however I wanted to during quarantine. The part that made me nervous was having to constantly call in to work to see if I had to go back anytime soon. I hate calling on a phone, it's nerve wracking. I eventually lost the job.
Thing is... I'm not sure if I'm ADHD... but I find myself identifying with a TON of the struggles and issues related to ADHD. Like the masking in public, (as in hiding someone's true emotional self and trying to be socially accepted) I've done that my whole life. I just always assumed I was being paranoid or that I would just learn how to fit in... and that it was normal for everyone. Now, I'm not so sure.
OMG yes this
I felt the same.
I still remember going to court, to see if I qualified for disability assistance. The judge told me that I didn't qualify, because I was successfully masking, even after he noted that I had demonstrated an obvious need for assistance. Because I was able to seem fine for thirty minutes, it was assumed that I was able to seem fine for days at a time. It's like being told we can do 100 pushups in a row, if we are usually able to do 10, whenever needed.
I had my ALJ hearing last fall, and the judge's responses felt like a crushingly cruel smackdown. It was already so hard to admit that I needed help, that I ran myself into the ground until I had nothing left. I don't understand how they can in good conscience claim that anything we have been able to accomplish up to this point must have been easy because we did it. The denials can pile on even more dysfunction, which is the last thing we need. I hope you can still appeal or seek assistance somehow. I'm trying not to give up. The neurodivergent community needs to keep pressing them with evidence and medical fact as more progress is made to understand how detrimental and rigid our society is toward those who struggle to appear neurotypical.
My current strategy is to try n work in bursts, perform very high for as long as I can, save up as much as I can then take a few months rest to recover, as complaints similar to burnout are inevitable anyways
Whenever I try to relate things like this to my dad, he would say things like "it's not like you have a broken leg" or "in my day we would have just called you stupid". A lot of neurotypical people seem to hold the opinion that you don't have a real problem or that you are selfish because "other people have it way worse "
*“HEY YOU (insert OP’s dad’s name here)! HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT PAIN ISN’T A COMPETITION BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY ACCEPT IT????”*
Yeah, it's not like a broken leg. A broken leg is temporary
My dad's like this as well, but honestly it's his problem, not mine. It's not just mental health stuff, he refuses to believe that anyone other than him could possibly have a problem that might reasonably affect them. He always finds a way to make it the person's fault.
It's funny though, because if anything ever happens to him, he expects everyone around him to take it seriously and accomodate accordingly. He's just a bit of a jerk really.
This is the type of parent who is surprised that no one wants to visit him when they grow up and get out of the house....
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
Since you mentioned being a jerk, I’d love a video about being “mean” when you’re neurodivergent. There have been SO many times in my life where someone thinks I’m being passive aggressive or sarcastic when I’m genuine and because of it I’m struggling with feeling like a bad person. I can’t tell what other people are thinking so if I make a mistake, I almost always have no idea why they’re upset. This is especially bad when I’m masking cause I feel like every time I show someone who I actually am, they leave. It’s such a big struggle and the main reason I have a hard time making friends.
omg yes! I completely relate. I’m at the point where I know I’m not bad but it seems like the person on the other end is ever able explain what is “mean” so that I can adjust for their sake and it’s very frustrating.
I experience this too, and I think it has a lot to do with being very socially isolated as a kid, and also being raised by some pretty unforgiving cold parents who didn't show a lot of love.
Over time I just never really learned how to act like a nice person. There is something to be said for ppl thinking we are checked out or bored when we aren't looking at them, or are thinking about what they are saying.
Even when I’m being kind and caring, apparently it is too nice, so they assume that I am being sarcastic. I was genuinely caring about them as a person. 🤷🏼♀️
I feel the exact same way! It's so frustrating because I'm genuinely extremely concerned about other people's emotions and want to be as kind as possible but people seem to interpret my actions as inauthentic because I don't act in the neurotypical way. I've tried my whole life to perfect neurotypical masking but inevitably it doesn't work.
Something I'm trying to work on with my therapist right now is just because most people I meet are neurotypical doesn't mean they have effective communication habits. They also are interpreting MY actions incorrectly and it doesn't always have to be up to me to try to tiptoe around their incorrect perceptions. Obviously, I'll still try to be nice but if they can't accept my words and actions as being authentic then that's on them for having poor skills not on me. I can only explain my intent and try my hardest with my actions to show that I do care and sincerely apologize when my ADHD brain slips up. Just shifting my perspective from "I need to do better" to "maybe some people's reactions aren't very skillful either" is huge.
I know the feeling. But the interesting part is (even though i didn't knew back then that i had adhd and autism) when i showed my true color in a new group of people in my new church. I made same of the best friends ever. Now 11 years later 2 of them are still my best friends who i can absolutely trust and be myself with. And when the time is there that im talking to much or being too enthousiastic for them for too long (i mean for really too long). They tell me (sometimes 3 times in a row if the first 2 times doesn't work) of hey Mark can you speak a little slower/a bit less or can you calm down a big because you are overwhelming or don't make sense. And i respect that and i actually ask them: when i talk absolutely way to much then tell me (3 times if needed) so we can become even better friends and have a good time and so they aren't totallt exhausted when they go home
It's like being a "method actor", stuck in a single role, during your entire public life; it's brain overload!!!
The ultimate career, shame I haven’t had as many opportunities to be in the industry as I’d like
And it’s just as damaging when actors do it without sufficient support and skill to avoid burnout and psychological damage. Good analogy given the poor prognosis for many method actors.
Exactly I’m so good at method acting I’m starting to think the motion picture academy should mail me a Oscar award for my outstanding performance in acting ‘ normal ‘
THIS is a GREAT analogy, thanks! Adhd type 1 here and I've even had to mask online. It's exhausting.
Oh, so true. I frequently describe much of my life as "living like a method actor".
I have to method act the organized desk person, the can do dishes person, the attentive, the focused, the... almost everything.
I spent 28 years unconsciously masking my undiagnosed autism and ADHD. Spent years trying to work out why I was so depressed and anxious when I felt I had no reason to be. Only to find out it was because I was constantly trying to mask who I was, even from myself.
It caused an awful lot of damage to my mental health, damage I'm slowly (very slowly) healing, although it doesnt often feel that way
How did you start lowering that mask?
@@NeonGalaxy666 I didn't really. feels more like it got torn off
@@dan5her I'm sorry about that.
this...
I feel you. For me it´s similar, since three years I try to lower the masqerade with therapy. The one thing what different is, I don´t know (and my therapist) what I´m actually have. Of course childhood trauma. I figured that a clinical setting ist not always helpful to find this out. Maybe it´s not important but I have the feeling I need to know, so I can handle it better.
Sometimes it feels like healing, but often it feels like a step back. Probably the step back is important to get to the point where it is possible to change direction.
Keep in mind what you do is strong. Not for the outside world visible but for yourself and in the end also for your loved ones.
I always thought I was introverted but I realized that I just hate feeling the pressure to mask amongst people I don’t know. It feels like all my processes are shackled and I have to devote too much energy towards looking normal when I can get things done in half the time when im being real with myself.
Oh...
This... this comment hit real close to home.
You just explained something that would have taken a year of therapy to figure out. Great comment!
This is an interesting point of view that I've never considered and I think it's helped open up a world of possibilities for me
Yep! Masking is exhausting…
I recently realized this too. I want lots of friends, but if I can't be 100% me around people they just wear me down, I'm better off alone actually getting some things done.
I remember actively trying to NOT mask during my diagnosis process, and even then, and even though the test results indicated I had ADHD, the evaluator was still like mm I guess you "probably" have "mild" ADHD. Just cause I'm good at handling it doesn't mean it is mild!!!
This is what I'm afraid of. I'm 46, and my first appointment is next week. I tried to ask my last psych and psych NP if maybe I could possibly have some ADHD-like traits, and they both scoffed at me and dismissed it since, well, I'm 46, worked up until I was physically unable, owned a home, etc.
I'm scared and desperate for help, and asked them for a rope because I'm drowning, and it felt like they just slapped my hand away and turned their backs. I didn't even bother to call and say I wasn't coming back when my insurance changed.
@@elenabush3672 How did it go?
@@mbarry415 well, the counselor was awesome, great help, said she couldn't give a firm DX but basically yes. The prescriber kinda seemed like she just wanted to treat me for depression and anxiety. And I'm still waiting for any offer of a medicine, going back and forth with emails and messages of my meds(that I listed on intake) and it's like just try me on something, the meds I'm on will not conflict with any ADHD meds, I checked with my rheumatologist, here's the notes.
I mean, won't it be obvious, if I take a pill and things change??
I am so good at masking no one believed I have adhd.
It's funny, it took a concussion for my quantitative diagnosis. I was diagnosed with ADHD officially about a decade ago, but after I got a concussion from an accident recently, I sent quite a bit of time with neurologists to make sure my brain was healing. I remember 2 things stuck out from the cognitive test: 1. A point where the doc distinctively said that those with ADHD don't preform well on this part, after the fact, and 2, at the end where my results were above average. I was like, huh, I have quantitative proof of my ADHD, cool....and if my results are considered above average now, what were they before the accident?
I am nearly 30 and only just recently got my ADHD diagnosis. It finally makes sense why I always feel emotionally exhausted after small things, constant masking is tiring.
I find myself constantly confused and trying to evaluate - what part of me is my personality, what part is my ADHD, and what part is masking? Is there a real me? What have I lost or repressed because I've felt the need to mask?
As I’ve gotten older the mask is slowly peeling off. Mostly because it’s exhausting and I concentrate on the people who truly care about me.
always start with the facts. I'm *gender*, I'm *my name*, I was born *date*. then i branch onto other topics a little less obvious but undeniably true no matter what anyone says. i really enjoy "insert societies opinion of a cringe show", I find genuine humor in ironically offensive humor. from that, i finally began to truly piece together at least to a degree, the little things that truly make me individual. if you're scared to admit you like something to yourself because of shame, remember that your joy and your interests are genuinely important and you deserve to able to be open about your little and big passions
SAME
Amen
Same here
I'm sitting here crying because I feel so relieved to have someone to help not just me with understanding MY neurodivergence (I'm ASD and ADHD) but also to help my son to understand HIS brain. He's ADHD and often becomes very discouraged because of how the current education system is set up, seemingly against kids like him, and your videos help us both understand him and each other better. Thank you so much 💖💗
I always share this channel with everyone who even whispers adhd. It's helped me to feel comfortable with my diagnosis and feel it's a good thing instead of being ashamed.
I can only say, 'copy paste'!
How can we get in contact??. I am the same way and want to start a family, but I’m terrified.
@@nehamaw same 🤣🙈
Honestly, same! My diagnosis only happened thanks to my son being diagnosed. Learning about how our brains work to help him and heal myself has been the relief I didn't know I needed.
I can honestly say , my 33 years of life, I’ve thought I was just BROKEN the entire time. Further investigation of my symptoms of adhd has given me REAL hope.
Do you have any chronic pain with your adhd
I was diagnosed adhd at age 45. Had to sit through a conference for three days and was horrible. Fidgety, anxious, and then after, being adhd and trying to fit in by masking, a colleague told me I was weird. Hurtful, but not surprising. Keep up your great work. You are a public service.
FWIW; I don't believe I have ADHD, a few symptoms sure, but nothing diagnosable. That said, I like weird people. I'm sure if I were there I probably would have ended up hanging out, normal is boring, "weird" usually means unique thinking.
I’m sure you’re a cool cat and that person is probably annoyingly normal
@@kimandellamchill2070 thanks. He was normal AF. Haha
We are not weird, it's called Unique.
When you embrace your differences be it positive or negative.
You don't need others to fit in, or judge where you stand in a group setting.
I always turn up to social events, looking "Dapper" so I've been informed.
Looking smart with colours and layers to stand out from others.
Just my look gives off a cool vibe around boring people.
I can smile talk and I'm confident with finding who I am.
After 52 years searching..🙂
Ive been called weird a lot since child to adult. It’s so hurtful I tried to ignore it and be fine with it but I can’t. Even my brother says I act like a child and that I’m lazy. And when I forget sometimes and say that I’m lying and I’m lazy and making a excuse. He doesn’t understand me and think I do this on purpose which I don’t do. My mom tries to explain that I’m different from him and should be more understanding and respectful but he maybe doesn’t believe it. It’s so hard everyday and we don’t even talk unless he wants me to clean the house.
Yeah this is spot on! I masked my ADHD at my job for 1.5 years and I got more and more burned out. It got especially bad when I had to start working from home. At one point I got practically nothing done and I decided it was time for a change. I set up a meeting with the directors and told them fair and square what was going on and why I got nothing done. They gave me half a year in which they wouldn't have any expectations of me, other than to get better mentally. I got therapy and started learning not to mask. Now it's a year later, they gave me a full time contract because it's going so well and I don't have to feel guilty about anything, because I'm being my authentic self. It feels amazing not having to worry constantly.
Congrats! One thing I don’t understand, you’d think that working from home would allow you to de-mask? Things like not being forced to go on coffee breaks with colleagues where you’re expected to be a functioning social person etc.
This is amazing! Way to go speaking up for your needs, and kudos to your company for being willing to hear you!!!
Wow, that sounds like a great company
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
Where are you working?! I’d love to apply!! Currently an ADHD person who got diagnosed just before the pandemic hit. Have had no insurance for two years however so I’ve been unmedicated ever since then and goodness I’m struggling. Working for a company who could care less about my problems which I don’t blame them however to hear of a company like yours is simply my dream. I’m so happy for you and I hope I can find something just like that for myself!
This caused some trouble in my relationship with my girlfriend, she couldn't tell when I really was upset or hurt unless I told her. For a while I thought it was better to keep it to myself, and never let her know so I could be strong for her and not upset her. your ADHD video on relationships talked about honesty, honesty saved our relationship! Thanks be to God, and thank you!
Same
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
I masked for my whole life without even knowing. Before Covid, my burnout was so extreme. After finding out abt ADHD, I thought I might just be the inattentive type bc I’ve always been calm or quiet compared to most, but when I started driving by myself, I felt like a whole different person. Music plus being by myself without a fear of being judged peeled off my mask for the first time and I’ve never felt so happy(I’m 17 btw). Now most friends I’ve made when masked are in college and I’m making new friends without my mask and I can say this is the happiest I’ve ever been since probably being a toddler. Now I allow myself to fidget, especially when talking to friends. This year was the first time I allowed myself to talk as fast as I wanted and I even stuttered a lot but my friends literally don’t care. I still do mask and have anxiety but it’s manageable compared to before. Btw I’m self diagnosed bc my parents don’t think I have ADHD bc I’ve masked so well and still mask around them since they’re immigrant parents. I hope I can get diagnosed soon
it's so cool how unmasking can make a massive difference in our happiness and calmness!! like u, my parents didn't "believe in ADHD" so I'm 26 and still no DX, but I know I have it. and i've found friends that I can completely be myself with, when we get together it's a wonderful explosion lol. life can be good with ADHD ❤️
Wow, I relate to this
@Sether castheth i think what they meant was they hope they can get a diagnosis and support for what they already know they have :)
@Sether castheth i'm sorry to hear that! i've heard medication is different for lots of people, different chemicals can work for some and not work for others. the thing that helps me personally is understanding my brain and being able to talk to other people with ADHD, so that's why I've booked an appointment myself (even though yeah I'm not a huge fan of psychiatry either, it could help me get more info+support). this channel has also been a huge help!
I’m experiencing that exact burnout right now, is horrible
Dannita, que gusto verte por aquí. ❤️
One thing that I think is important to note about masking is that, at least for me, it has caused me to keep my life small and to hide from the world.
By keeping the world small, I minimized failure.
I don’t know if I’ve ever related more to a comment than this.
You put in words what I feel
I didn’t realize other people were like this too
I’m masking my ADHD and ASD so much that the psychiatrist that was supposed to help me with meds, didn’t want to prescribe them because she didn’t believe that I actually struggled with the things I told her. Thanks so much for this video, it makes me feel seen 🙏
tl;dr - I know exactly how that struggle goes! The below is just my experience with masking even in therapy
I actually had to get a new therapist and this was a major driver for me. I'd been mask up constantly. My first therapist was very good, but I'd kind of thoroughly set up this report and impression that I couldn't do any work with him.
Going into therapy with my current therapist has been great tho. I've been catching myself, and forcing myself to be more honest, and since I've done that from the start of our working relationship, she seems to be aware of it and gives me the space to do so. It's been such a relief! I hope you can get to there with your therapist
This happened to me. She said I clearly didnt have ASD bc I was "able to socialize" and "act normal". You are not alone and you are valid 💜
I'm going to have an appointment with the 3rd psychologist in 6 months on wednesday because the previous 2 refuse to prescribe me a stimulant medication that would actually do something for my symptoms. I don't know if I don't seem sick enough or they don't believe me or something but it's really annoying knowing that I could be treated effectively and I'm just being watched as I suffer with this
@@naryosh_ I just want you to know that you're not alone and that it's ok to not feel super rn. I hope you have people in your circle that you can lean on as you find the proper resources. Your experiences and feelings are valid. Authority gaslighting is something that really should be talked about more.
I had a lady say that she didn't think I was in need of stimulant adhd meds due to the fact that I did really well on one short term memory test with numbers. I have an above average intellect and both parents are teachers.. It's rather annoying. And it's hard to bring myself to pursue other venues as I'd rather not waste time on BS. It's pretty bad that it's easier for me to get Adderall of the street than get prescribed it because I actually need it.
I can actually see a progression of my mask forming throughout my childhood. As a really young kid I was very friendly and outgoing and honest, my parents say I would just find a random kid and grab their hand and decide they were my new best friend for the day and go play. But as I got older, I started to notice how people would start to avoid me after a while or talk behind my back about my behavior. So I toned it down, I became introverted and watched everything I said and did to make sure people didnt hate me, but they still ended up avoiding me if my mask slipped one too many times, so I eventually ended up alone. I realize now that as a kid I was just following the dopamine and other kids found my erratic behavior weird
My son was the same way. When he was a toddler, he'd talk to any one young or old he came across. When he began elementary school, I watched my sweet friendly, extroverted boy become introverted and uncertain. His self-esteem has been eaten away at over time. Now he finds it hard to make friends. It's heartbreaking, but I remember going through the same thing. I hope there will come a day when this no longer happens to children; that ND kids can just be themselves and grow up to be adults with good self-esteem.
@@chalkedlines8960 the image of your boy's experience is just heartbreaking. I think I did a version of this myself growing up, and even occasionally as a young adult. I hope that your son finds comfort in learning that he's not alone in this, and that finally there is increasing recognition that society could do better. I wish I could have learned my diagnoses at least after graduating, before or early in my career. I remember that's when I felt the disconnect most acutely, having no idea why I still struggled to find a sense of belonging. I guess 40 years late is better than never, but oh how I would love to see what I might have accomplished if I'd only known back then.
Yeah, same here. I was extremely extroverted in elementary school, but swung hard in the other direction in middle school when my "friend" humiliated me by telling me to shut up and that I was annoying in front of the entire lunch table. That kind of social exclusion will shut anyone up. For years after that, I held back from speaking up in situations where I was concerned about being judged, telling myself that I didn't have anything to say when I definitely did.
...Thank goodness for therapy.
Something I've noticed, as I went to college and hung around more openly neurodivergent people I felt a lot of mask slip away. I now do things like randomly get up and start climbing on furniture, not give people eye contact, let my mind run normally and let people know when I didn't quite pay attention to what they said, get excited and become very energetic about seemingly meaningless things ECT. And I normally feel guilty for doing those things in public, but my friends take it in stride and it makes me feel so happy. It's gotten to the point I sometimes unmask around random people and the difference in their reaction is like night and day, I have to remember those things weird most people out.
I'm still trying to break out of masking (and people pleasing) and being told I can't be masking because I "only" have ADHD INFURIATES me.
Thank you for covering this and bringing awareness ❤
Sometimes i really just wish i could make people feel how difficult ADHD can make things sometimes.
Need a hug? Also GOOD FOR YOU
Something that helps me is to focus on being more open and aware about my symptoms and diagnosis, and trying to talk about it more when it feels appropriate. For instance, when people notice I'm really spacey after working too hard, i say so, and explain that it's from ADHD burnout. It really helps to learn to embrace and accept it as a part of you, rather than trying to "fix" it or hide it away. :)
It's okay to put your needs first when it comes to managing your energy and mental health. Focusing on yourself like that is actually a great way to grow!
Eh I mean I have adhd and autism and I dont have trouble masking I don't understand the big deal. You have these problems your whole life like me. Your you. Dont people pleasse obviously. Though adhd is really not that difficult. Just learn to spend more time alone that builds self esteem lol.
@@badhoehalo7641 as you said in another post here, you're only 14 and the video refers to LONG TERM effects of masking, as in doing it for years on end, and also you can't compare your experience of masking (I'm assuming) mostly at school with what real life is like.
I am 42. I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 30, and its only in the last 5 years that I finally figured out that the missing piece to my lifelong mental health issues was finding a diagnostic criteria for adult females with aspergers. I remember training myself to mask in my teens though didn't realize at the time that was what I was doing. I remember the point in my late 20's where I realised that being a chameleon to fit in was great, until the time where people realized that you weren't exactly what they thought, so got mad at you and would never talk to you again. That's when I started trying to embrace my weird. Unmasking is a continual process for me, probably in part because it was in place for so long. I'm glad its finally getting talked about now, I'm glad we're finally starting to see some change, I'm glad there are people like you Jessica that are helping spread the word and thus the hope. May we reach a day where no one ever has to hear, "but you don't look......."
Thank you for sharing!
I knew that I was hiding the real me in order to maintain relationships but I had no idea I was masking undiagnosed ADHD. The elation of finding this out at 32 has been so insightful, relieving and uplifting. The constant irrational anger and resentment I've struggled with my whole life has vanished, revealing such a clear path forward as my best real self. If it wasn't for stumbling on your videos explaining what ADHD can feel like as an adult, I might have never been diagnosed or understood my ADHD girlfriend. Keep up the excellent work, your positivity is inspiring!
SAME. I'm going through the diagnostic process now (at 40), and this channel has been so helpful in illuminating the inner working reasons why so many pieces have felt so difficult for so long. Agreed - insightful, relieving, and uplifting!
As a black woman with ADHD working in a super white conservative city. I do tons of masking. It's so hard. It's made me more open about my ADHD, and actually has helped me connect with other neurodivergent folks.
Some days are really hard though. Lately I've been experiencing lots of racism, and I feel incredibly self conscious. I want folks to know I make little mistakes because of my ADHD, and not because of my blackness. Being self conscious about either my blackness or ADHD makes my symptoms so much worse. I sometimes wonder where I would be if I were accepted for both?!
♥️♥️
That sounds... so incredibly tough, Jupiter. I am so sorry... I can't begin to imagine how exhausting and demoralising masking *both* of those must be. You shouldn't have to mask either of them like that. We really hope there will be a day in our lifetime where you can be accepted for both. Know you are at least accepted for both here. ♥♥♥♥
Yes!! I definitely second this as an autistic ADHD black woman. It's so utterly exhausting having to cater to so many expectations outside of who I am (those of white individuals and neurotypicals). After going through such severe burnout that caused my first depressive episode, I had to eventually accept that it isn't healthy for me to mask nearly 24/7 for so many years of my life. And now that I don't mask my autism or ADHD as much, I'm a lot happier and healthier. (But I don't know if it'll ever be possible within my lifetime to not have to deal with code-switching unfortunately...)
@@kk-cat5262 ❤️🤗
@@HowtoADHD thank you ❤️❤️
This hit me unexpectedly. I've been identifying with many ADHD symptoms for a few years now, but always thought I was just ovexaggerating and couldn't possibly have ADHD.
Executive dysfunction? No, I'm probably just lazy. Talking over people? I'm just too impatient. Easily distracted? Still just lazy. Constant focus shifting? I just need to focus harder on one task. Having a hard time keeping the house clean and organized, even though I hate much clutter? I need to stop being so lazy and make more time for cleaning! Constantly picking around my fingernails and at my lips? Just a bad habit, nothing more. Can hardly follow verbal instructions and having to write everything down, because I'll most likey forget in a minute? I'm probably just stupid.
This is the first time I've come across sitting strangely as a symptom. I'm the ONLY one I know who's sitting cross-legged or otherwise with their legs completely on the chair. Even at work I usually "tuck" in one leg, often rocking from side to side ever so slightly. This, along with a few other symptoms makes me think that perhaps there actually is something behind all this.... I'm still not 100% convinced I have ADHD, but I'm now prepared to look deeper into this. Some days I seem to function better than others.
Thank you so much for the work you do!
I feel exactly the same way as you do mate, except i did bring it up to my psychiatrist that i might have adhd and he just dismissed me and told me he didn't think i did. Idk what to do now lol
@@primedember5249 search for adhd specialists until it works.
I haven't gotten diagnosed yet even though it has been 8 months since I said it to my parents. That's partly because my mam thinks I don't have it before even looking into it, and my dad said even if I did have it, would a diagnosis help. I couldn't come up with any good answers of course, but at least he made sure to look into it a lot and hasn't dismissed the possibility
Don't let their hang ups become your problem. Certain types of parents can't or won't acknowledge that your struggling and need help Because "my kid can't be anything other than perfect".
These types of parents see you as a reflection or extension of themselves. They can't ever acknowledge that they're struggling and need help. Their upbringing makes them see it as "admitting defeat" i.e I'm perfect therefore my kid is perfect and no one can say or do otherwise.
Don't let their influence impede your progress in life. Aka F the haters you be you.
Primed Ember, check out ADHD rewired. Theyre an ADHD coaching community plus some other stuff. Its coaching not therapy because its focused on how to move forward rather than analyzing the past like therapy. They do a 10 week course for about $1300 built by ADHD brains about how to build a purposeful life with ADHD. Then you have lifetime access to their community resources. I havent done it yet cuz of the money but they do have a podcast where you can get a sense of what it would be like. Just a resource if you need it.
🥇🏆
Masking has been extremely effective in allowing me to function in professional settings. The tip is to give yourself plenty of time and a safe area to decompress and not mask. Personally, I heavily compartmentalize by masking when it comes to my career but then surround myself w/ family and friends that understand me. It's like having 2 lives. B/c of how society views these behaviors, I wouldn't have a chance of being taken seriously if I just let it loose at the office. It's just the way the world works if you choose to making a living w/ being part of a hierarchical organization. ADHD behaviors will drop you to the bottom in a blink of an eye. I have experienced personal proof of this through the pandemic. I had struggled to gain traction in my current office for some time b/c you can only mask so much and still perform. However, once we moved to working from home I rapidly started moving up the ranks. I think this is b/c I could be myself at home while presenting a polished view of myself through limited and highly controlled video meetings. Come to think of it, work from home could be one of the greatest tools that ADHD folks could use to help neutralize social weaknesses.
If I mask, I’m masking so hard I don’t realise it.
How do you know that you're masking then? Because im not sure since its normal for me and id like to know the difference between what is "normal" and whats not.
Honestly, as someone who is just going through getting a diagnosis at 35, I feel like I've been subconsciously masking for so long that I legitimately can't tell what is the mask and what isn't. I feel like it's going to take a lot of work and much therapy to un-learn "how to act" and figure out who I really am underneath.
Yeh I feel this. I have no idea if I am masking. I do what is expected of me in certain situation where I try really hard to be "Normal" but aside from those select moments (you know job interviews etc) I'm just me. I don't know if I mask outside of those times.
I can tell I’ve been masking when I experience immense relief to get away from the people who make feel like I need to mask. Which is pretty much everyone but family. My family is great.
I get this. You find out you were masking when you realise that you had put so much energy into it that you've reached a point of exhausting that directed energy. Often having done it with enough convincing vigour to end up in a situation beyond your capacity to cope with it. That's how it is with me. I think it's optimism and people like seeing that. It's an upward spiral until suddenly it isn't.
No lie, my therapist sent me here because she loves your work, and I'm like, "oh yeah that girl? She rocks! I'm currently using some strategies she's mentioned to help me through going back to school!" I dunno if you *feel* awesome, but you really are and have helped me in my life!
Not me bursting into tears half way through the video.
I was injured in a bad head on collision 3 months ago and I’ve been suffering from a concussion on top of having ADHD.
I’ve started my “return back to work” plan and to say that i’m “struggling” would be an understatement. I work in childcare and my centre is currently understaffed.
I love my kids so much but with this concussion I have no energy to mask and I’m finding working just 4 hours every other day incredibly hard. I work tomorrow and I’m in tears because I don’t know how I’ll make it through another shift like this. I’m in so much pain and I can’t think straight. I don’t know why I’m venting here… it just felt safe.
@@emmaconstantinides9576 funny story… I was rear-ended like a month after I left that comment and was re-concussed. I currently have post-concussion-syndrome… but my pain has finally lessened. I’m now working just one or two half shifts a week. I don’t think I’ll ever return to working in childcare full-time, but I’ve come to terms with that. I’ve been working on art and photography and I hope to build onto that. There’s a version of LSD and DMT that can be purchased for micro-dosing legally in Canada. People have been having incredible success with treating adhd, depression and anxiety with it and it’s been shown to help the brain build and create new neurological networks. I just had a consult and I’m hoping to try it soon. My friend with adhd has tried it for a month now and he’s been able to completely go off of his meds and feels the best he’s ever felt in his life. Says his mind is quiet and he can set intentions for the day and be super productive.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Pain takes so much of our energy as it is.
try to apply for disability benefits
I hope you are feeling better now?
I totally get it, thanks for venting. You are not alone!
It is and you don't have to worry about it. Thank you for sharing
I think this is the main reason women are so under-diagnosed and under-treated. We mask REALLY well. We try to be tough because no one seems to care if it reduces our quality of life to nothing as long as we can “roll with the punches” and mask the majority of the time (often with self deprecating humor). But left untreated, ADHD reduces average life expectancy by fourteen years! And in some studies up to twenty!! It’s exhausting, mind-numbing and soul destroying to feel like we aren’t actually good people or acceptable the way we are. That is a horrible way to live. But it’s almost unforgivable for a woman to really show her neurodivergence. Especially when we were also often verbally abused or humiliated for our struggles as children. We just mask and keep hoping to one day “finally” grow up - until we are middle aged facing the hollow recognition that we can never be good enough. Which can be so shameful for a woman that she just doesn’t even want to see HERSELF without the mask and beats herself up every time it slips. We need to wake up and recognize our society is literally failing itself if neurodivergent people are considered “deficit” or “deficient” when they fail to mask and if they HAVE to be medicated to have any quality of life or improved life expectancy in our existing society. The fact people feel the need to mask something so normal and that their silent struggles reduce their quality of life and life expectancy SO MUCH is a massive public health crisis. This needs to be addressed with BIG campaigns and public education. We need real solutions for real life beyond coping and medicating. Employers need to consider more creative options for neurodivergent people to unmask in the workforce, because we are SO gifted and have SO much incredible value to offer when we are truly enabled. That’s why we always hear about our massive “potential” if we could just fit the mold. When is society going to realize they are screwing their OWN potential by forcing us to fit into a box?
Absolutely agree!! ❤️
Well said! Maybe you could bring awareness to this issue?
As someone with Persistent Depressive Disorder, this is my entire life. I'm constantly sad and that's just socially "weird". So, I always put on a happy face, at home, at work, and with friends. It's exhausting. I feel you!
I had so many opportunities as a teenager to be diagnosed. I was only diagnosed recently at age 28. This is making me think perhaps my masking was too "good". I even brought up to a counselor when I was a teen that I might have ADHD and he dismissed it.
Oh no -- I'm so sorry you were dismissed! That's so frustrating. Good on you for not giving up though! ♥
Yep, same story. I never struggled in school since I generally found it boring / easy. Turns out i was just never really challenged & when i hit engineering in college the need to stay on task / organize / socialize hit me like a truck & i basically failed my first couple years. Diagnosed at 23, as soon as i found meds that worked & learned the root of the struggle i jumped from a D student to an A student. Just knowing the root of my struggles made long- standing depression dissappear; no longer was I fighting who I was. I definitely still mask at work, but that's a conscious choice which makes it much less draining.
I also experienced this. I am very good socially, which seems to have masked it with almost everyone as a kid. I had to work so hard to show my real, struggles to a therapist to get taken seriously, and even then the first person said it was only anxiety :(
Yep this exact thing happened to me too. When I finally saw a psychiatrist she was very hostile and of course that made me mask up. Then at the end of the session she said I couldn't have ADHD because I wasn't diagnosed as a kid and I wasn't presenting obvious symptoms! Apparently she got her degree at Harvard but she was a total joke. 🙄
It was only when I found a specialist who was also neurodivergent that I was able to get a diagnosis, because she actually knew what to look for!
@@wiegraf9009 funny thing, same problem as an adult trying to find proper testing. Landed at the house of a retired psychiatrist who only did testing for students at the local collage (where i was a student). Old guy had a hook for a hand, and wrote his notes with that hook. Rather memorable, and it was so clear he loved helping people. Such an interesting guy.
Masking is so harmful. I've been undoing a lifetime of masking and now everyone things I'm faking because I used to be "normal". Nobody takes my condition seriously. It even took me a long time to understand how severe my symptoms were because I had masked hard enough to even convince myself. Unmasking can feel a lot like your symptoms are getting worse at first. But it's worth it for your overall agitation levels.
Damned when you do, damned when you don’t
they don't have to take it seriously only you do.
i never have cared what others think or say about me so sadly i have no break through revelation to share. but im for the most part happy with myself.
Interesting
It definitely feels like it’s getting worse but the reality is this has always been me
I’ve been masking so long I’m not sure I can revert considering my parents are hyper conservative and don’t believe in ADHD. Dad is so bad he doesn’t believe in evolution lol
It’s so tiring to be teen in a world where it feels like people like us aren’t fit to have a place in it. It makes me question if anything I’m doing is even worth it, and it just crushes any of my will to do anything at all, along with my mood.
When I told my aunt I was officially diagnosed with adhd as an adult, she asked if adhd "went away" in adulthood. I explained to her what masking was. Adhd doesn't go away, we learn to mask our behaviors to project the image of an NT human.
Which often explains why I have outbursts in my car once I'm away from the situation that required my masking in the first place.
Oh jeez. Feel you on that. I come out of many social situations and just sit down at my computer and just curse to myself for a brief moment or two. It's crazy how draining it is.
Thank you for sharing.
Yeah, I feel the pain ☹️ I was diagnosed as a kid, but my parents only took actions so primary school could "handle" me better. When I went to secondary school they stopped. It didn't matter anyway, because "adhd goes away during adolescence" 🤦♀️ I reached out to an adhd foundation which gave me names of psychiatrists who specialises in adhd when I was at university because I was struggling so much.
Masking is SOOO TIRING. That's why I love this community where we can admit our neuro-differences!
So glad I got the best treatment for my autistic son who is only 4 years old I've been using Dr Oyalo Herbal medicine and it has been really helpful,💯 his speech has improved completely and he can now respond to name when called and can also say what he want.
I have started showing your videos to fellow teachers!! This one is SO important, especially in the primary grades, where some of the teachers at my school are convinced sitting still, facing one direction & listening attentively (in the stereotypical way) is the ultimate goal!! I teach Music/Drama to ALL the classes. One little guy in grade 1 was doing circles, hands on his desk, body walking around his desk as I introduced my Music lesson the other day. And as though parroting the classroom teacher, another STUDENT said, “J-- needs to be sitting down, facing forward to show that he’s listening.” I just responded, “I can tell J-- is hearing me. He is just fine. Worry about yourself, please.” He just needed to walk around as I talked! NOT a problem to me. I am also becoming very aware of the self-deprecating talk many of our neuro-divergent students exhibit! It’s shocking how many of them seem to think they are BAD at school. Or they can’t understand why they try so hard, and still struggle, when they seem to understand the subject, like Math, for example. Ugh!!! We HAVE to change our mindset!!! And change the WAY we gauge knowledge, too! Don’t even get me started on standardized testing!
So glad I got the best treatment for my autistic son who is only 4 years old I've been using Dr Oyalo Herbal medicine and it has been really helpful,💯 his speech has improved completely and he can now respond to name when called and can also say what he want.
Can't wait to watch this. I was thinking recently about how a lot of Dr's don't take me seriously, and I think that may be part of my masking. Im so good at faking it that I don't really seem sick
I think some doctors need a doctor, to be honest
That's really common for chronic pain and other illnesses! Our baseline is not "pain free" or "ADHD free," it's always there.
@tutu8896 I went through that for years because we learn to “fake it til you make it” as a child. (Or at least I did) and was brushed off for years and years because I was told “I just have my hands full as a mom, everyone goes through this, you’re just overwhelmed, it might be depression” YEARS. SEEING PROFESSIONALS. UNTIL… I had a doctor unexpectedly leave and the person who I saw after them LISTENED TO ME 🥺 and referred me to someone else, who ultimately sent me to a neurologist who quickly diagnosed my ADHD and I finally have SOME answers/explanation for why I am the way I am. This channel is so helpful in learning and I just love her message and positivity. Best of wishes to you, fellow brain!
OMG. I never thought of that! Thank you for sharing that thought.
@@robina.9402 super this! I‘ve gotten to deal with this for multiple long term issues and not being heard. Plus I work in healthcare so I also hear it from my patients when they tell me so-and-so provider isn’t listening or is brushing off their concerns. Add in being different in any other way in the US (skin color, language, level of fitness or obesity, etc.) and the bias just sky rockets 😤
I recently had this problem with a neuropsychologist. I masked so hard she claimed I don’t have ADHD because I did well on my tests and “didn’t fidget”. I fidget with my toes in public 😭
I crunch my toes in my shoes 😭
Me too.
Been there. I once fooled someone who specializes in diagnosing autism because I was masking really well. But at the time I didn't even know what masking was and since I was in my late 20's masking in front of strangers was something I just did without thinking about it. It had become too ingrained.
I fidget with my toes too! Stealth fidgeting
I have a funny story about fidgeting. At my very first appointment with a psychiatrist pursuing an official ADHD diagnosis, I did something that I didn't consciously remember doing it in the moment. It was only when my wife pointed it out afterward that I remembered it happening. While I was sitting on the couch answering questions, I slowly walked a throw pillow over into my lap and then proceeded to constantly zip and unzip the cover. She told me about it and I was like "wow, you're right!" and thinking "well if that isn't a sign..."
Masking, especially long-term, constant masking, is so exhausting. This video really made me feel seen and heard. Over the past year at my new job (and it is the best job I've ever had, so I really don't want to leave after 2-3 years like I always do lol), I have slowly but surely been "removing the mask" a bit here and there, and seeing how things go. I am noticing that other people in my Zoom or IRL meetings don't seem to freak out or react the way that I'm always expecting them to. Fidgeting, stimming, or even wording something in a very obviously neurodivergent manner seems to be getting a bit more accepted, at least in some professional arenas (I work in tech).
I didn't know I masked until I went to go get support and didn't get it because I made it seem like I was OK... Because that's just how I do things. I didn't even know how to turn that off because I wasn't aware I was doing it.
“But, you don’t look sick.”
When I stopped masking it felt really awkward, like I was being rude. The relief that it brought is overwhelming. I'm gonna fidget and I'm not consciously going to make an effort to make eye contact. If that bothers you, well that's your problem. This is also why I strongly prefer to sit besides someone instead of across from
Well... it does APPEAR rude, but you're right: it's that persons problem as long as you're listening to people talking to you. If you're not listening because of it, then it actually is rude.
@@holynder3181 OP is going to have social problems if they believe that anyone will tolerate this behavior. You are supposed to make effort when talking to people you like. If you treat them like you aren't trying then they are going to rightfully be pissed off.
@@kikook222 They didn't say they wouldn't make any effort, I'm pretty sure they mean they aren't gonna stress and try to force themselves to focus on the other persons pupils in a conversation to 'appear' normal.
So just because you are a shy person or have never been taught how to properly socialize you now claim to have level 100 autism.... you people are delusional and phonies.
@@kikook222 I don't think they meant what you think they meant. They only mentioned two things, that they're going to fidget and that they won't be making too much eye contact. They aren't doing those things to be rude, they're doing them so they can better focus on what you'd be saying. If this person made more of an effort to not fidget and to make eye contact then they'd be more likely to not soak up or even hear what the other person is saying because they're too focused on "being normal".
Everyone is different, if someone would really struggle with talking to someone who fidget and won't make eye contact then they need to have a change of mind and perspective. Or they could just not talk to the person that fidgets, but personally I think that would be more rude to ignore someone rather than not looking them in the eye.
I have a lot of issues with masking. I have found that I only act like myself when I'm by myself. With my own friends and family and even my therapist, I hide what I'm really feeling or thinking, I smile even when I feel like crying, and I try so hard to pay attention to what they're saying that I end up missing what they said. I try to act "normal" so much around other people that I literally cannot even force myself to act like myself when I'm not alone anymore. I don't even think about how to bury it all and act "normal", it just happens so naturally now that I forget that I'm even doing it, and once I'm alone I realize what I did and it kills me. It makes me feel so horrible, like I'm deceiving them, but I don't know how to stop. And I must be a master at acting like nothing is wrong because no one ever seems to notice. The few times I'd brought it up to my family they'd just tell me I couldn't possibly have ADHD because I don't look impulsive or inattentive, so it's just not possible. My therapist told me ADHD is over-diagnosed, and I was just overreacting. And every time they'd tell me those things, it'd feel like I'm being rejected and they don't care, and that my thoughts and opinions don't matter. And honestly at this point, I've given up all hope on anyone ever actually acknowledging my problems. I've given in to the fact that this is just how it is, that there's nothing "wrong" with my brain. Just something wrong with me.
That’s what masking is. Is pretending to be “normal” when you’re not. I thought everyone wore a mask in society to get what they want when in reality these are things that people naturally just do
I feel EXACTLY like that too
I learned to mask as a child after watching my older brother be labeled as 'Special Needs' and getting teased for it. My mother saw I was unhappy, and eventually I agreed to see a psychologist and masked so well for her that this trained professional who specializes in children with disabilities believed I was normal as can be. Years later, I suffered an injury and burnout really started to hit, but I only broke down after trying to leave home for university. I only lasted until Christmas break.
Now I am an adult. I do chores around the house, but I don't have a job or degree, even though I know I have something to add. But imagine my potential job interview. "So, I don't have a degree, but I need a desk job because of an old knee injury, and I can't work with scented products, including perfume, being used around me because it gives me headaches. Oh, and I also burnout easily, so I'll need at least three hours of off-time for every hour that I work, and I can't be counted on to consistently show up because I never know what my mental state is going to look like at any given time." Yeah. Totally a winner.
After self-acceptance, the hardest part has been the un-masking. I don't have any issue being myself, but other people seem to have issue with me for no reason. It seems that every time I put myself out there and try out a new community, sooner or later those who are in charge will single me out for some minor infraction that absolutely must be dealt with. Try to get people to come together and contribute to a community project? Stop being so bossy. Make a couple jokes and then call yourself a troll in public? Go sit in the naughty corner. I know I can't be the only one who sees this happening to them. I try. I really do. But I feel like I'm actively being brushed aside and that the people in charge are forcing me to continue hanging out only with the same, small group of friends who accept me the way I am.
It’s a joy to me to see someone else talk about these struggles, especially the stuff about breaking into the job field.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
I would have been so screwed if I hadn’t done art. My portfolio got me freelance work without getting into my nonexistent credentials, and I worked alone. That was before computers made commercial artists into graphic designers and illustrators increasingly irrelevant. There were a handful of us doing that kind of work in my town, and people couldn’t hire someone from anywhere via the Internet. I don’t know what I would do now.
I noticed the same thing when it comes to being treated differently, especially being singled out for some minor infraction that anybody else would be let off for. It's like other people sense that you hold yourself to a higher standard and punish you the same way you punish yourself with guilt when you make a mistake. Maybe it's our inability to show our imperfection that makes other people want to point out our mistakes. Maybe it's also the fact that people who can't understand and relate to you are never going to be on your side. It's the most alienating feeling in the world.
thank you for making this video! I learned as someone with ADHD and ASD to mask my stimming by finding something that's "socially acceptable" for fidgeting. it took me until adulthood to find that knitting and crochet work best for me with that. It actually got me through the first year of university, and I had a lecturer who used to joke about me knitting at the back of her classes, but I told her it helped me focus and she was good with it.
HA! yes thank you for confirming a longtime suspicion of mine: knitting & crochet as a fidget!
I drew pictures anytime anywhere for help with focusing. Gaming and cosplay hand sewing works as well for me. Family history does it also since figuring out some missing info is quite the challenging puzzle and I love puzzles.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
I have ADHD, but never accepted having it. My father always told me it was an excuse for not meeting neurotypical standards. i have never felt save being myself, and putting down my mask. This channel is opening me up to accept i have ADHD, so thank you for that.
My parents always tried to convince me I was never shy but I just pretended to be so - the truth is I always pretended I wasn't :) And last years I was diagnosed with ADHD - now I'm glad I won that argument :D
Maybe you weren't actually shy? People used to think that of me sometimes (I've been called timid and shy to my face) but I'm not. I don't really keep things overly private, I'm decently easy to share. But I'm also selectively mute in a chunk of social situations. Things like talking to a person/teacher I didn't choose to talk to and didn't actually get personally introduced to while having to speak in a language I wasn't really comfortable speaking like that because it wasn't one of my two native languages (in which I still get selectively mute at times and I'm 29 now).
I literally didn't know how to interact or how to do this social stuff on several levels. It wasn't shyness, it was autism. In hindsight I wish I'd just had more confidence to speak up, but I also know it wasn't solely a confidence issue. Being put on the spot like that still makes me shut down to this day and I've since become basically fluent, or at least fluent enough in two more languages (English and German).
I used to say that if I hadn't had autism I would be an extrovert and probably a social butterfly to some extend. I always wanted the big friend groups and big parties but my brain couldn't handle them and I couldn't handle the social stuff that comes with and before it.
In short: it might not be shyness, it might be something to do with not knowing how to do social stuff (lacking the skills/isnights of neurotypicals) and preferring not to interact instead.
Was this clear or am I being a confusing mess here? It's sometimes difficult to gauge for me.
I don't think anyone, whether they're your parents or not, can tell you what to feel, or deny what you say you're feeling. Well they shouldn't anyway.. I hope you can still trust your own feelings
I've often felt like my internal processing speed is pretty slow, then I realized it's because I'm constantly rechecking every aspect of my behavior and responce. I literally experience latency in my responses sometimes because of information bottlenecking. But in the rare moments I'm not "double checking" my actions I just fly along.
It gives me low level anxiety interacting with people I dont know closely because I have to constantly check my internal algorithms for conversation and responce, and constantly worry about messing up or responding incorrectly or not at all. All while making sure I'm not monotone in my responces.
Honestly having to wear a (real)mask at work has it's benefits: I only need to move my eyes like I'm smiling and not my whole face.
My mask has changed over time and reflects a lot of who I actually am, but it's so tiring because I basically have to manually boost every social aspect by a factor of 3 to be at "normal" social levels. Fortunately my social battery seems to have increased as I've gotten older, but I still feel it wearing on me.
This rings true so hard. I’m glad I’m not the only one that deals with this
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
Same here. Meditation and forcing myself to socialise has helped me. When relaxing and watching a movie wit my a friend, I started to feel more comfortable saying what comes to mind and not worrying so much about how I look.
I actually gave up on masking a while ago. Didn’t know there was a word for it haha. Always called it “acting”. And it ate me up, because I knew that I was hiding my real self, which I think is unethical. I was so tired of stifling myself. But yes, ever since I gave up “masking”, things have been so much easier. And I feel so much more alive and free. Life is better. I’m happier, more energetic.
If you’re reading this, please let this little anecdote of mine show you that it is most certainly worth it. I guarantee that you’ll find that you have much good to offer to those around you. Even with your flaws. Just takes a leap of courage 😉
I really like your point at 3:30. I've had this same debate with myself and my depression. How much of it am I responsible for, what does it mean to even have a mental illness like that or adhd.
And the conclusion I came to was this little phrase I repeat to myself when it feels like I just want to let my depression and adhd "take over"
It's an explanation of my behavior, not an excuse for it.
I am still responsible for getting up in the morning. I am still responsible for dealing with my symptoms. All the world needs to do is understand I'm trying, and give me the breathing room I need to function.
But at the end of the day, it's still my job to get up when that alarm goes off.
So true. I always say ‘it’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility’ so I don’t get too down on myself. Those two things can get conflated sometimes, but it’s important to remember we aren’t “bad” for not always winning the fight against certain things.
Just five more minutes please 😅😴
3:00 My example to normal people would be to go into a very uncomfortable conversation, and you're not allowed to use any filler words, or you will be called out, and probably fail to get anything out of the conversation. No "uh, umm, like, well," no pauses, just talk "correctly". That's how masking feels, all the time, but instead of filler words, it's my weird adhd/autisim behaviors.
I like this!
I was born with Asperger's syndrome and was misdiagnosed with ADHD. I can relate to everything you just said, the masks and burn out, I find it difficult to explain these things to others so thank you for giving me a way to do so 😊.
Something my therapist said (that has stuck with me) in response to me calling myself and interests "weird" is this:
"Better to be weird than boring." and if you think about it, who wants to be normal? Be extraordinary ! Be weird !
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
I'm stunned that so many people feel the same way I do. I've always felt like such a weirdo and totally alone.
So glad I got the best treatment for my autistic son who is only 4 years old I've been using Dr Oyalo Herbal medicine and it has been really helpful,💯 his speech has improved completely and he can now respond to name when called and can also say what he want.
SAME
I understand & you're not alone. 💜
I'm going through my own neurodivergent journey, and this video opened my eyes a lot. Thank you for doing what you do.
Thank you so much for this. This is extremely frustrating and helpful for those who don’t understand ♥️.
I just realized that I didn’t “calm down at puberty”, it was that my family had a housemate round the time I started puberty who shamed me into masking a LOT more and guilt me when the masking slipped.
On a brighter note, I’m finally gonna be talking to a professional to get screened for adhd tomorrow, sure it took till college but, woo
That's awesome, good luck with your screening! I hope you get someone who knows what they are talking about and listens to you!
Update! How'd it go?
@@dangodongle I had to break down crying for her to take me seriously after several instances of me talking about how I've never been able to do normal stuff and her basically been like "well have you tried to do lists and setting aside time?". Even tho she didn't think I needed screening till I broke down, and was still hesitant afterwards, she still was more than happy to prescribe me wellbutrin (which from what I've heard is kinda a major antidepressent which also works for adhd), but I eventually convinced her to refer me for adhd screening. Basically went "well I can prescribe u this for now, I don't think u have to ask for testing rn I can do that later after u try meds-" "uhhhh no plz put that in rn I'm not gonna go on meds till I get screened"
So anyway now I've filed a grievance case because I had to convince her not to do a malpractice (prescribe without screening) and I'd like her to get in just enough trouble to not do that in the future to someone not as stubborn as me.
@@chaotic-goodartistry3903 Good on you for doing that! It's infuriating how difficult it is to get help when you actually actively seek it out from professionals. I was on the verge of tears and breaking down the last time I saw my usual psychiatrist when she said there was nothing else to do when my meds weren't working too great for me. You would hope something like that would indicate to a professional psychiatrist that they're looking at a person who needs help. Nope. I got kicked out because apparently the last sentence I muttered, "I can't go on like this", was the first sentence I didn't whisper, and I was told I'm not going to "scream" in her office. She wouldn't refer me to get diagnosed for ADHD or ASD. She said "you don't look depressed". Well, yeah. I'm not depressed. I'm burnt out from masking without even knowing it. I got diagnosed with ASD (not before I submitted a 7 page document to the diagnosing psychiatrist after he said he didn't have enough background info to diagnose me with certainty). I'm also technically diagnosed with ADHD because those meds are the only thing that has ever had a positive effect on me. I'm still waiting for another diagnosis so I can get official recognition and aid, but take my story as yet another example of how difficult it is to get PROFESSIONALS to BELIEVE you when you ask for help. And I'm a guy. I know it's even worse for girls and women going through a similar thing. I really wish the world of mental medicine would finally progress past this point where people have to work so hard just to be believed they're struggling.
@@technicolourmyles Yeah, the whole process is infuriating. Good luck with your gauntlet run thru dealing with our medical system and its "professionals"!
Self improvement doesn't equal overcoming differences. We overcome difficulties, not uniqueness. What a beautiful perspective, Jess!! More love, power, and naps to you!
I needed this today. I'm exhausted from masking, from constant gear-switching, from being forced to ignore how my brain works because it's not enough for the people who demand more from me
So useful, thank you! ❤️
The first professional I consulted (a 'normal' doctor, not a specialist) didn't think I was "ADHD enough" because I'm not a "typical case". The second professional, a psychiatrist, did believe me, understand me better and took me seriously and offered the help I needed.
That was a little off-topic, but hear me out: the first doctor thought I didn't have any hyperactivity going on. We were meeting through a web cam connection and therefore my leg bouncing, knucle cracking etc. went unnoticed. To the psychiatrist, I simply info-dumped the symptoms which hadn't come up in the interview and emphasized them. It can make one feel ashamed or scared to admit that they're not neurotypical, "normal". BUT I promise that your symptoms are just differences. Some make it hard for us to function in the society, but some are simply parts of us that make us, us. We can claim them as aspects of our personality! ("just aspects of my personality" was actually what I thought before I got to know I might have ADHD and then later got it confirmed)
The first professional might not believe you. The second might not, either. BUT there will be someone out there who takes your troubles and worries seriously and helps you out!! Don't hesitate to make a list about your lovely - and less lovely - quirks and info-dump that to them! They're there to help you, that's their job. Lots of love, peeps, we have our struggles but also our amazing strengths! ❤️
This video helped me understand myself so much better. I've always just thought of myself as having, like, 2 selves within me. When I was in school, I could focus well on lectures and work and do so much. But the moment I got home, i was DEAD. Because it took so much energy to be that way. And all I was able to do after school was lay in bed and watch videos or play casual games. When I got to college, it all exploded and caved in on itself and the levels of focus and masking I'd have to do to keep up with the work was just too much and it burned me 100 feet down in the ground. Once it all snapped and I couldn't do it anymore (during COVID, so online classes), I was literally just playing games and watching streams during my lectures because I couldn't focus anymore. Before, I didn't know it was masking. I didn't even know I was ADHD. I just thought I broke as a person. It makes so much more sense to me now that I know it was just masking and my mask breaking. I was never actually truly that person I was in school.
I cannot thank you enough - your videos helped me really get through to my dad who also has ADHD, but didn't quite understand it therefore not quite understanding me. He often starts phone calls with me with "Hello Brain!" now and it warms my heart. Just had to get that out there,
It's amazing that burnout, executive function, and masking are being talking about! In work and in general. I have had a long relationship with poor executive function and masking since I can remember. I had an autism diagnosis at 12, and then felt I needed to hide the diagnosis to still do my acting jobs and my ballet dancing and modeling etc.,
My parents let me decide who to tell and that was huge because I could reveal what I needed, in my own time, to whomever needed to help me.
I didn't tell anybody aside from a couple of doctors until I was an adult because no one ever believed me. Even most of my doctor's didn't believe me. Then I got very sick and regressed a lot because it had been too much. This is when people believed me. 9 years after diagnosis.
Let your friends and family know, when you're comfortable with it. I explain things and send them videos from the channel so they can better understand what I got through for certain, seemingly mundane, tasks.
I am thankful my family accepts me for me- Wheelchair, sunglasses, autism and more! I almost never feel I need to be who I'm not with them, and I'm so grateful. Now I do still feel pressure in meetings and trying to make friends. Especially, first impressions until I can express my neurodivergence.
Now that this is really being a bit more accepted and talked about (thank you and everyone else getting the word out!), I don't feel the need to try to fit in to the mold everyone else has. I'll wear my headphones and sunglasses while I am in my wheelchair and I kind of like it now because it's also a signal to others that maybe I need more assistance with something should anything go wrong.
I know those are like obvious autism/SPD/ADHD stuff but it can help.
I have less burnout too because I've been forgiving myself. Thanks for helping me with that too. 🤗
they may be able to recognize I could have autism or Sensory processing disorder or something and help me.
That's a double edged sword but even though I stand out- I think it's good because then people know to not expect normal. I do this everywhere so it's much more normal for me now. I don't even consider going places without both of those things now.
I'm excited to read into that app because the time blindness is real for me! It's honestly my biggest fear. Maybe because of that. I never thought about hat! 💡
Fellow timeblind brain here!
I also find it helpful to use and app that makes a sound every hour, just to remind me time exists. Just passing it along in case you find it helpful as well~
Watching these types of videos always gives me relief but makes me cry. Nothing I ever feel is put into words by other people in my life because no one else understands so when I watch this channel, I feel a little bit less crazy
Diagnosed with Asperger's here. For those who don't know, it's basically high-functioning autism, but I still get really focused on specific things I like (technology and video games are my personal focus hobbies) and I get extremely anxious in social situations with people I don't know yet. I've been jobless for years because I cannot mask very well in front of new people (it's always very obvious that I'm anxious), so I would definitely not do well working in typical retail positions where I would have to interact with thousands of customers per day, and my dream job of computer programming requires so much training that I cannot get because I don't have the money.
I always thought that programming training is easy when you have the internet
@@ploopybear It's somewhat easy to learn the languages, yes, but less easy to actually get certification for them, which is what most jobs will require.
@@asmariamoon got it
Asperger’s is no longer in the DSM and now everything is autism with levels of support needs. You would be level 1
@@blakea.e.1681 Thanks for keeping me up to date, it's been more than 25 years since I was first diagnosed.
I didn’t even realize masking was the term for this until recently! It has been affecting me for years
It's certainly a term. Role taking might be another, and as Jessica says, it is something everyone does, a part of being human and social. The issue here seems to be that masking neurodivergent behaviour is tougher because it tries to hide more necessary behaviours often with less resources for doing so. Hence burnout.
However, how this links to the (very expensive) advertised product, I am still puzzling over.
I didn't know masking was a thing. My therapist mentioned the term the other day, but I didn't think to look it up until I heard it again today.
This explains so much, and I wish I had known about this sooner. I'm neurodivergent; I've felt exhausted, burnt out, misunderstood. It's hard for me to do "normal" things, it takes a lot of concentration and people sometimes get mad at me during those days I'm too tired to fully pretend.
And I'm not alone. Thank you for helping me. 💛
I've found i have definitely hit my burnout, especially last year. My mother is getting angrier and less tolerant of me because ive become a sad sack of burnout and my friends think im ignoring them on purpose or that i dont care about them because Im too socially awkward to start a conversation. Now that im out of school a lot of my masking has fallen away, and my depression has increased so im lacking motivation to do much of anything, and its starting to become a real issue that im not sure how to get out of it
Look deep into yourself in order to find your true calling and accept who you are. Also don't worry about what others will think or say (if you do), just focus on being your authentic self. Sure it's easier said than done, but with time things will get better. Also, talking to a therapist will definitely help you, but only if you open up and say what you truly feel. Hope this helps!
I began by getting out of bed and sitting in the sun. I'm not too sure about what to do after that because I've just started, but I am planning on tackling small bits of exercise. Then we'll see.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
How are you doing now?
Step one: get of your butt.
How and why is for you to find out.
Start a "job" walking someone's dog every day. (Paid or volunteer.) Many people with them need help sometime, and people you meet out there will be talking to the dog or to you about the dog (easy to prepare for those encounters/ people are so predictable when faced with a certain type of situation...)
If you have trouble talking to your friends, tell them that! "Hi, I love to hang out, but do not know what to say". Afaik I know nobody minds the nice, quiet one. Sometimes it is very comforting to have someone like you around!
My daughter was diagnosed with autism and ADHD a few years ago and it's been such a journey. I am grateful for your videos to help me understand how her mind works!!! Thank you 😊 💓
You are an angel. I thank you on behalf of her for taking interest because it really helps.
I was really fortunate in college to have some professors be really supportive of my need to stim/fidget/cross-stitch while in lectures and classes. Others were less supportive, or mid-way supportive, saying that they understood that I was paying attention but my fellow students may feel unheard. This led to exactly what you describe: masking, and losing out on the ability to actually process and retain the information being given. In grad school, I have yet to have a professor approach me this way, and it's been really great. Being able to do some classes on Zoom without the camera on means I can get comfortable, and turning off the microphone means I can even fidget in ways that would be noisy or distracting to others.
I've also been working recently on dismantling the shame I feel for sitting weird, trying to shut off the part of my brain that says it's unprofessional at work when I tuck my leg or legs under or don't sit up totally straight. I have to remind myself that actually, it's weird to care. I'm getting my work done and it's getting done well, so who cares how I'm sitting in the chair? Realizing where the voices in my head came from (who put them there by shaming me when I was young) and reminding myself that they're not me and don't align with my values helps.
You have helped me understand and come to terms with my adhd so much. Thank you. I was a "gifted" kid and told I was too smart and well adjusted to have adhd for years because I spent the entirety of my teenage years masking to fit in. I burned out when I was 20 and it took ten years for me to come to terms with it and start to be more gentle with myself.
OMG. Masking. I'm so blessed I have friends that allow me to not be masked, and love me for all of my quirks. Sitting weird is a thing, for real though.
And you're right. Just because you are not masked does not give you the right to be a jerk. Make it a great day, Missy!
i have ADHD, and i struggle by often burnout because of masking. i used to be homeschooled with two close friends but now im in school and classes and its extremely difficult for me. as i sat through the video i was like "huh, but i dont care about the way i sit next to others.. oh, but i can sit still..." but then i realized my masking comes in my inattentive way of talking too much and always losing focus in conversation. im a talker and im a loud (but lovely) person, and my masking is through sitting in silence and observe with the fear i might say something out of pocket or insenstive.
I am sitting here crying watching this. I am Neurodivergent and my parents aren’t explaining these kind of things is so hard for me because I stumble over my word then I get frustrated and I can’t do it or I give up. Seeing this video completely explain how I’m feeling and how to explain it, makes me cry happy tears, hopefully will help them see things differently. Thank you so much for your channel
Beautifully done, as usual, Miss Jessica! I wanted to point out (as you have done in other videos) that another negative consequence of masking is that it makes some people (especially girls & women -- really anyone who is "atypically atypical"😊) much harder to diagnose. As more people (neuro-divergent & neurotypical) become aware of realities such as masking, & learn to recognize their manifestations, more positive change can be effected. This is a huge part of why I am so passionate about education.
I have thanked you, Jessica, a thousand times for your vitally important work, & for this wonderful channel (my #1 favorite regarding ADHD), but I'm thanking you again.
* I am 63 & very happy & productive right now (most of the time!), but I can't help wishing that this information had been available earlier in my life. It would have saved me SO much confusion, frustration, distress, self-recrimination, & shame. What I CAN do, now, is help get the word out!
She said "Which helps me see time better" and I don't remember what happened for the rest of the video because I was laughing too hard. Alarms help me and even then I don't always hear them because I'm hyperfocused and if I lose that concentration it will frustrate me. Sunsama might work for me. Thank you!
Adhd type 1 here, and yes to so much of this. Thank you! I've even had to learn to mask online, because neurotypicals love to constantly bully and criticise me for neurodivergent behaviours online if I don't mask in my online behaviour (constant criticism of comments being "too long" apparently must somehow mean I'm "upset" or "triggered" by something, using "big words" must somehow mean I think I'm "better than you" or trying to "sound smart", and commenting on subjects that aren't small talk with well thought out answers is going "too deep"). It's exhausting when you're constantly having to mask and edit your natural behaviour even online so people don't get the wrong idea about your emotional state of mind and accuse you of being something you're not or of using the wrong tone. :/
I'm greatful my ADD/ADHD boyfriend doesnt feel the need to mask himself, I think he's amazing the way he is, anyone who says ND people arent wonderful for who they are, are absolutely insane. Neurodivergency isnt an "inconvenience" for anyone but the people who struggle with the negative sides of it, literally the only time I have to "get onto" my boyfriend is when he gets a little too excited when playing games with his friends because he'll randomly scream really loud at random times of the night so I have to remind him that we're not the only ones living here and to be mindful of others sleeping haha
Your brain state absolutely can be an inconvienience for others and very well can and does affect others. This is obvious when you look at literally any antisocial behaviour.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
@@OsirusHandle troll
@@splinterinmyfinger1256 "neurodivergent" who is well aware not every "diverse feature" is good
I didn’t notice how much I fidget in my chair during class nor how many time I interrupt people. no one ever commented on it. So, when I took the check list for ADHD, I barely failed which prompted them to do more tests. The good think is that I am not overly conscious of it and ignore these things most time
Thank you for this Jess. Masking makes me feel like 2 people. The desirable (fulfills the needs of others) and the undesirable (being exhausted by it all). The differentiation is so large it's definitely not natural.
Clearly iam not the only one
Your channel has been an extremely helpful resource for me since I was diagnosed with ADHD at 30 yrs old a few months ago. Thank you!🙏🏼💖
Awwwww, happy to hear that. You're welcome! And kudos to you for looking for the information to begin with! ♥
me too! I just got diagnosed at 28 🎉
the fact that you have an option for those that are in a less than satisfactory financial situation literally made me cry. Your channel helps me feel seen and validated in a world that has nothing but criticism and shame to offer me. Thank you so very much for your channel. it is a literal godsend.
I've been masking for most of my life. The good news is most of it is so well ingrained that it takes no extra memory slots to do, like learning a new skill. It's literally automatic. Things like walking hunched is something I don't do anymore. I also move my arms when walking like a normal person would. I've even learned a sense of humor. 😅
But there are some things I just can't do. Stimming is something I can't really control, for example. I can think hard to control it, but I can't make it automatic.
Do you know anything else about the walking without swinging arms thing? You reminded me that I used to do that as a kid until my parents literally coached me out of it at one point. I've never heard anybody else mention it and I'm curious how it could be related to ADHD or Autism.
Not swinging your arms is a thing? :0 I though it was something some people just chose to do :l
I don't know if I swing my arms when walking is that an ADHD thing (me). I sure use my arms a lot when talking.
Don't forget the "T-Rex arms!" I dunno why the heck I do that but I do, and apparently so do many others with ADHD...
@@RandomZDum It's an instinct for _most_ people. I had to _learn_ it.
My family lovingly jokes about my inability to sit in a chair "normally." My 3-year-old has inherited this from me, and it fills me with joy! HE knows how to sit properly, dang it! 😂 If I felt I could sit in MY normal way at work without being seen as unprofessional, I'd do it in a heartbeat! (I work at a veterinary clinic, so there's not as much sitting as there would be elsewhere, thank goodness!) There's actually a computer that is less visible than the others. I like using it when my ADHD is really getting to me. I make sure I'm still in audible range if I'm needed for something, but I love tucking up my legs and sitting there for a few minutes while entering notes or checking the schedule. I'm very self-conscious and suffer from a lot of imposter syndrome, which I've learned is mainly due to ADHD. (Dang it, I know the information is in there SOMEWHERE!) If I didn't feel the need to mask at work, I honestly believe I would THRIVE in my role. The decreased anxiety, alone, would probably make it easier to remember the valuable knowledge that otherwise gets trapped in a dusty brain-drawer when I need it. Maybe I'll test the waters tomorrow by sitting "normally" to see if anyone notices. 😉
I'm so grateful for your channel! I've learned more about myself in the last 9 months of having a diagnosis than I had in the previous 30+ years, thanks to you. Thank you so much! 😊
So did anyone notice?
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
I swear I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you I’ve always had bad anxiety and depression and this is why. I have to constantly pretend to be someone I’m not.
I'm in my late twenties and I'm starting to suspect that I was never diagnosed because mental healthcare is absolutely abysmal in my country. I have exhibited some of these behaviours. Some of these I corrected because of criticism while some are still prevalent to this day. I am currently experiencing another episode of severe burnout and am feeling the accompanying feelings of shame and anger at myself.
I can't help but think that if I had been provided the tools to manage my anxiety and other such things, I wouldn't find myself in these situations today.
Thank you for a very educational video.
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
I can't say thank you enough for this. I'm diagnosed with ADHD and working with a professional towards a diagnosis of ASD (finally after ten years and no one taking me seriously) and this couldn't have come at a better time. I'm horrible at masking and have started to stop myself from masking and just let myself be.
You know, when I was in early high school, I started representing myself in my drawings as a character who literally had a mask for a face because I felt like I always had to hide a part of myself to fit in, like a social performance... Really starting to connect the dots here lol
There is a Dr that you can get in touch with Dr Oyalo on TH-cam. Am excited to share about how his herbs works perfectly in reversing my son autism. now he is herbal with his behavior ok and he can now obey instructions. the herbs has been a positive impact on his and i recommend to everyone too.
Thank you for yet another video that I have to show my mom to explain stuff I struggle to verbalize sometimes. It's been really helpful in getting my mom to understand that I'm not slow nor mentally behind my peers in real life stuff, I just struggle with getting things done because I've been burnt out since right before Covid because a thing. She's finally starting to grasp how my brain works and why there are certain things I don't understand her refering to ,like being content for an hour or two listening to a wedding.
You're welcome - we're glad our videos are helping! ♥