same. not paying bills, putting off friends, not exercising, not accomplishing anything. I take meds, shower, eat, watch youtube, tidy a few things (not the other 99%). just responding to messages requires so much effort
Watching TH-cam is a dangerous, very unspecific step. It's easy to spend more time doing that than you want and at some point the relaxing break with a video or two starts draining your energy again as you feel guilt for continuing to watch more.
But it's the hardest thing to do when you struggle with executive functioning. The struggle is real. Embrace it, do your best to understand, learn, and re-orient.
You are definitely not a failure. As you mentioned, you have a 7-month-old, and I’ve noticed that many parents of neurotypical and neurodiverse children often arrive late and apologize for feeling unreliable. Your incredible brain is adjusting to sleep deprivation, which, interestingly, is commonly recognized as a method of torture. You are working hard and doing your best to bring compassion into your life.
True that! My little AuDHDer had colic for a year. We slept in 20min naps at night (no day naps). My only goal then was for both of us to survive it! 🥴 I still feel like a constant failure as I'm constantly pulled in 5 directions at once - so of course I drop the ball now and then! - but I darn well made sure he got his diagnoses, meds, and accommodations at school. He is fed, clothed, warm and pretty darn happy. I know logically THAT is what matters and I'm succeeding, despite that constant nagging feeling. Motherhood while working part time AND being a dual-carer (running my mum's home, meds, shopping etc as well) is the hardest thing I've ever done, so I'm working on adding more self-care (and grace) into my life. If nothing else, I can say I'm struggling "RIGHT NOW" as I know in time it will pass. I also try to catch myself on negative self-talk, by saying "what would I say if a friend was saying this?" I hope these 2 framing prompts help. 💗
Yes! To add to this, I really think there needs to be more research about the link between sleep deprivation and postpartum depression (which Jessica mentioned struggling with in a different video). I’m really surprised about how under-researched this is, and since people with ADHD are more affected by Sleep deprivation, new mothers with ADHD have a double challenge and support is extra important. Why is there not more research on the intersection of ADHD and motherhood, and on the relationship between sleep deprivation and postpartum depression? It seems like the relationship between poor sleep hygiene and depression is established but POSTPARTUM depression is dismissed like it’s a completely separate thing.
Im 30. Stuck in a dead-end job, recently failed another relationship (my ex literally left me saying he wants to date a “normal” woman which is fair but still hurt like hell to hear cause not once in my life have i ever felt normal or good enough), my mum died last summer. I no longer have a family, rarely any friends (mostly living thousands of kms away in different countries). The only reason i havent given up my life is because of my adopted dog, Vincent❤️dogs really are angels
Your not alone, my life story is a mirror of most of what you wrote. I also learned to make peace with what I do have instead of what I don't and that gratitude means the world to me. My great pyrenees is also my best friend/family.
You deserve to be loved by someone who will love you for who you are ❤ My deepest condolences about your mom. She is still here for you and I know she’s cheering you on and helping you in ways you can’t even see right now. Things will get better, just keep holding on ❤
Also a reminder for anyone watching this when the video was posted, if you also have seasonal depression then this time of year can make those feelings even stronger! Check in with your doctor or therapist or a friend if you need some external support. Take care, friends 💜
For some reason it literally hadn't crossed my mind that I could be under the effects of Seasonal depression despite feeling the same every time this season rolls around. Big duh moment here.
To anyone who struggles with seasonal depression, vitamin D supplements, iron are key. Also try out a SAD lamp. I didn’t find any of those alleviated my depression (but I still do it), so I recently got a smart light bulb. I set it to turn on just before I’m supposed to wake up and I wake up to a daylit room. I’ve heard full-spectrum lightbulbs are helpful too
my biggest thing i have taught myself is that leaving something unfinished is not a failure, and that unfinished projects are way more fun to come back to when time has passed and you are motivated to continue again.
Reaallly appreciate the pace of your speech and the minimal nonsense words. My attention sticks. I can easily stay with the full video. I have just been diagnosed. At 77. Very overdue for assistance. And every little thing helps.
Haha! Thank you. Only just discovering my neurodivergence- at this end of my life- you can imagine the hurricane of emotions and the importance of me gaining some control- finally. So much of old age is entropy, and Adhd is not helpful in warding it off.
@@dianaking8828definitely helpful to look for ADHD resources in your area. It is now a federally recognized disability(in the United States) and many states have recognized it as such. Due to this many resource centers exist that might be able to help point you on the path to making your life easier. You say at the end of your life, but every year life expectancy has been increasing. Even simple organizing tools can really help, such as label makers and clear storage containers. If nothing else, if you really aren't sure of your long term prospects, if you happen to have children, reorganizing with help could help your kids or grand children when *knock on wood* it is your time to go. It is NEVER too late to seek out help. I have to work on that myself as well.
@@alibongois indeed. I was in shock for awhile. Then pleased and now I’m angry. My dr is reluctant to give me stimulants because of my age. ( Adlerall & retinol are out) So I’m trying Bupropion an antidepressant which can impact adhd in some cases. I’m in very early experimental stage but suspect I will have to rely on new tools and techniques. Trouble ,is my coping & masking strategies seem hard wired now. Good luck with your journey
Not the same thing, but I have cancer and I'm currently going through chemo. The interaction with my ADHD is... sobering. I now know why I've been so extremely and uniquely burnt out with my PhD and other life goals for a long, long time - my cancer is slow growing, so it's possible I've had it for years. And yet I'm still struggling with making peace with where I am at the moment and the things I can't do. Definitely hard not to overbuild and even reduce my load when that doesn't align with my sense of self and my dreams. But you have to look your limits in the eye. And I'm already succeeding by surviving chemo and fighting this cancer.
Something you briefly touched on which I think is important, is that your mom did all of these things and it feels like you should be able to as well. Our parents are often our first and primary roadmap for who we FEEL like we're supposed to be at various stages of our lives. It's very important to remember that they are different people, and they also grew up at a different time. They likely did not do everything the same way their parents did either, often times for good reason. It's okay to be your own person and navigate today's world to the best of your ability.
It's also important to keep in mind that we see our parents 1) from the outside, we don't know how much they may struggle or feel like a failure and 2) from a child's perspective. It's not going to be a realistic standard to hold for yourself.
I was thinking, "Your mother was an amazing person from everything you've said, Jessica. And, your mother never owned a successful TH-cam channel, wrote a book about ADHD, etc." I know how easy it is to feel like you're not enough when you have a great mom. Your story is different and great.
I have long covid. My buildings have fallen down and my infrastructure needs upgrading. I'm struggling. Your video has given me a way to articulate my difficulties. Thank you once again!
Same here I've had LC for over 4 years now, got covid once in 2020. I'm constantly afraid of being reinfected and getting worse. Over time I've felt better but it hasn't been linear for sure and tbh I've felt like I've been in survival mode for so long. Hang in there, I know how it feels
I’m in the last few weeks of my bachelor’s degree, but I’m so burned out and physically ill from working and studying while socially isolated that I don’t know how I’m going to get through the last few assignments to earn my diploma. This was a helpful video.
Jessica, it’s not just sleep and infrastructure- very important things! It takes years for a postpartum women to fully recover. Just because we regain our menses doesn’t mean our bodies have recovered (9-12 year olds aren’t ready either!). Hormones stay wacky, internal organs need to reshift, our gastrointestinal systems are often impacted by loose connective tissue from pregnancy and the trauma of being squished… so many things our bodies need grace and time to heal. Our push-push society and comparing ourselves to others who we don’t really see when they are at their worst (& who may have different needs/recovery) is really hard. It’s a lot. I almost set my house on fire multiple times, lost purses, keys, coffee cups in public places or off the roof of my car, locked my baby in the car with the keys (damn those easy lock doors!) ran out of gas… it was the most intense, most horrible, happiest time of my adult life.
I can’t tell you how nice this was, I’m really struggling today especially and this video just kinda showed up, and honestly thank you for not only providing us with these strategies but making us feel less alone. Sometimes it’s really easy to feel like I’m the only one feeling like this and watching you accomplish the things I want to one day truly does give me hope.
Awwwww yeah I figured I wasn't the only one... and you're right it can be so easy to feel like we're the only one. And honestly for all that we accomplish... we definitely still have our struggles (which is kinda mentioned in the video a little with the not checking emails)... and sometimes we struggle a loooooot.
Lagom. The Swedish philosophy of “just enough”. I’ve been trying to think in that way to help balance my drive of wanting to do the more when I cannot balance the more, to remember sometimes “just enough” is enough and more is “too much”. I’ve been watching videos from Scandi channels because they have amazing philosophies about slower living and taking moments or doing less to achieve more happiness. It’s really helpful to my brain. Even if I can’t always manage to follow it. 😅 As always, you’re awesome. Thanks for being you.
I’m working on emotional regulation. I can’t always control my executive output to the extent I’d like to, but what I can have more control over is my response to my “fails”. Like rather than having my top goal be executive function, my top goal should be to be kind to myself. To be gentle with myself even when I make mistakes or burn out. That’s the only way I can get back on track anyway. ❤
Damm this is exactly what I'm working through today. I learned that sometimes my gratitude prompts feel pointless because of what I'm balancing so instead of being grateful for my dog or a person, I write down everything that makes me grateful for them. The why behind the what, sometimes even the how. What makes me smile. Then I think about how I can walk in a good way, honoring the past and being attentive to the future to live better in the now
I've figured out that my perfectionism was destroying my drive to continue doing things I loved doing. Letting go of being OUTCOME focus and rather journey focused has been helping a lot. Also removing time wasters helps too. Doom scrolling and what not.
This came at such an important time! I've literally been asking myself constantly over the past week: why is everything I do seemingly wrong? Thank you, Jessica!!!
I appreciate you posting this. I am struggling with feeling like I’m regressing. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, but meds and routine worked. In adulthood the meds aren’t as effective and life is just more responsibilities… It’s good to know I’m not alone and progress doesn’t have to be linear.
I had a rough time at my parents house and moved into a kind of Teen care house (I'm living in germany, so I don't know if this is normal at other countries) at 17. They still didn't understand adhd and we did get into arguments, but it was far less Personal and I was able to have more control over my life. Also, I had some time to heal from trauma I had gained at my parents, I got a better relationship with food, I could leave the room when overstimulated, ect. I had learned a lot at that time and spent a LOT of time and energy on building routines and getting better, dealing with my adhd, ect. I am very creative and there's a bunch of crafts I love doing but didn't find the time or energy to do at my parents - so I also finally started doing that. I painted, I made beaded animals, I tried crocheting, I wrote on my book, ect. Then, school started and everything kinda collapsed. I was in school until 17:00 almost every day and since we HAD to be "home" at 18:00 for lunch, I didn't have time to talk to new found friends after school, which has always been a Thing i had loved doing (also, a way to Stall going home to my parents) and then they expected me to sit down with them and tell them about my life (I don't know why) and were angry that I didn't - but I was just EXHAUSTED. I would just go to sleep. (Also, i had met my yet boyfriend, whom I texted constantly) During that time, I was expected to change rooms. my room, which I loved (it was big and bright and I just felt very comfortable), was right next to the Office. we had someone move out downstairs and someone going to move in - they wanted the New one to be next to the Office, so I had to go downstairs. (I was actually still pretty new, I was there for a year in total) My "new room" was less than half as big as my Former room. With all my crafting stuff, books, clothes, ect., even if I did have had the time to unbox my stuff, the room just would have been too small. So I lived out of Boxes. and my room was never tidied up. Also, being alone downstairs, instead of next to the Office, made me feel kinda lonely. and it made it even harder to go in there to tell them about my day. I got 18 and not long after, they told me, if I wouldnt step up, I couldn't stay. I tried, I tried my absolute hardest, but the problem was, i had ALREADY been trying my hardest BEFORE that. And the added pressure and anxiety sure didn't make it better? Then they asked me if I already knew what I was going to do if they'd kick me out. I said no, because I knew my parents wouldnt take me back in. But they insisted, I had a plan, so in a panic, I said that I didn't think my grandparents would take me, but I would at least ask them. a few hours later, I got a call from my grandma, furious for "telling them they would take me in". Apparently they had just called my grandparents without asking and told them I said that, eventhough I didn't really. Well, that was the last stroke for me, we got into an argument and i got thrown out. My boyfriends mother already hated me for being in that Teen care System (it's like the same that has orphanages, I think) and because she was sure I was a gold digger or something and my parents "sure had their reasons to throw me out" (of course, she never asked, only assumed). He still got my stuff and hid it in his parents Garage and I went to my best Friend for some time. well, i went from friend to friend, until I found myself not having any place to go anymore. that's how I ended up being homeless for nearly a year (at 18!). now, I am living in my own appartment, with my boyfriend, since September. my Routinen are dead and my energy is always super low. I am not usually able to craft or do anything from my Hobbies and it really makes me sad, because I'd love to - and i always feel I'm loosing important practice. Everything I worked on is just gone... I constantly feel like I am wasting time and opportunities and I just keep thinking about how great life WILL be, once I'm better and that just hurts because I really do want to live in and enjoy the moment. but it's hard. because I don't feel much like myself and i cant do much. I'm not currently working (I'm getting money for mental health reasons, german System, I don't know how to explain) and "only" doing household Chores but that already feels like soooo much and I know most people would call what I'm doing holidays or something but I've never been more exhausted. Suddenly having my own appartment, doing Chores, cooking and feeding myself regularly, ect. ect. honestly is already overwhelming as it is. then add the trauma I try to heal from because of being homeless and even more trauma because now with my own place and a Partner who truly loves me, stuff my parents did comes back to me... Like, what do you mean, you don't scream at me when I break something? that's NOT normal? it's a lot to Deal with. And seeing how all my work in building routines, building MYSELF, in some way, is just gone. God, that hurts. And I've always struggled a lot with the whole "feeling like I'm not fullfilling my potential" thing and now that just hits even harder. because I spend my days doing seemingly nothing, being absolutely exhausted by that alone and feeling in every part of my body that I couldnt do more if I tried. but then also knowing that there have been times where I had done three times as much as my peers because I had fun doing so, there had been times where people were amazed by my skills and I knew, I would become an author AND a good cook AND work in science AND always be there for my friends AND be an artist AND do acting and and and... And i know that technically, I could probably do all of that. But I can't. And if I try to be positive and tell myself, i'll just need some time to heal and readjust, then I find myself not living in the moment again. just dreaming for a future I cant work on. not be happy but just hope to be happy in the future. (of course, there are happy moments, but it's just not the usual state for me right now). I'm really Stuck in that mindset right now and I really hope it will get better... but also really don't know what to do... if you have read all that, wow. and thank you so much. honestly, just writing that has felt good but knowing others might read it, feels even better. kind of less lonely...
I read it. I hear you. You are trying so hard, and healing takes a lot of energy. I remember a roommate of mine who used to come home from therapy and sleep like a log for 3 hours! I'm so glad you have a safe place, and someone who loves you, and from there you can build the life you want, one brick at a time. ❤
It's difficult enough to manage your time alone, more so with someone in your life. Routine is your/our friend. Until I finally found and adjusted to a steady job, time to myself just wasn't possible! That is most definitely when it's hardest.
I'm proud of you and we're complete strangers! You have a lot to be proud of yourself for. I can see how much effort you invest in yourself. You've been through a lot and it's okay to take time to relearn and heal and CONTINUE your journey. Just because progress isn't at the level you'd like; doesn't mean you're not taking little steps every day. Each little step counts! Pasito a pasito, we're not in a rush. Lots of love, keep healing friend❤
I don't think words can express how much I need this video. I've been crying off/on for the past two days (including in therapy, in which I never cry) because I'm failing over and over and it's wreaking havoc on my life. This video won't solve my issues, but it's a reminder that there are tools to deal with it...
Thank you for talking about this and specifically as a parent. Its easy to say "stop and smell the roses" but for many of us, trying to undo sometimes decades of damage AND be a "normal person" AND support our own kid's often special needs so they dont grow up like we did feels impossible even when you have a partner. Im doing it all on my own and I feel like I'm doing it poorly but I also can't stop because other futures depend on me.
I should watch more of your videos, my ADHD is driving me insane!! Thank you for giving us advice, advice from a neurotypical person never works for me 😭
We definitely have a lot! And there's a book to if you can afford it - there are ebook and audiobook versions too. But of course, our videos are always free :)
Oh it just gets very hard w/ kids. They take a lot of mental and emotional effort. And there's not much of a village for most of us. Give it 5 years, and be very kind to yourself. Devon Price, discussing his book "Laziness Does Not Exist", offered the advice: "start with the assumption that you're already doing too much" and that was an eye opener for me.
I don't even have ADHD but this video came in such a perfect time in my life, I'm in the process of halting construction in my life and I loved your take on it xD
I cannot control the burnout because I cannot control the workflow. I either get what they tell me to get done or I get in trouble, lose hours, and possibly leave that job. :
Theoretically ADHD is now a federally recognized disability. If you have a doctor's diagnosis for ADHD or ADD, you qualify for help from the government via SSI and other resources as well. Take a look in your area for ADHD resources and see if there is a place near you that can help. They can help you get started by helping you reduce the number of hours you can work or helping you negotiate with your employer to help reduce your workload. If your work won't work with your ADHD they aren't your friend and those same resources can help you find a job or career that supports your ADHD as well. Many resource centers have ADHD approved companies that have gotten audited for ADHD support and tools for success.
@kingzach74 I know about those things, but I don't WANT those things. I also seriously don't want reduced hours. If anything, I'd want MORE hours, so I have more time to process and possibly even get karts or other areas repaired. I can also guarantee that none of those ADHD friendly jobs are ones that keep my brain entertained. I want to be a mechanic, and I'm pretty sure "mechanic" is not an ADHD friendly job in context.
@kingzach74 While you are not wrong, unfortunately there are companies who will manufacture "issues" that get around those "protected class" characteristics.
very very relatable. i just don’t know how to cut out things because i have so many things i want to do. the only thing i WANT to cut out i can’t bc it’s work and obviously i need to work or i will not eat. and all the stuff i am passionate about is not easy to make a living doing
Someone without adhd but I’ve enjoyed your videos (I have two sisters with it, possibly both parents as well). I like hearing things from another perspective, because even if I don’t struggle with the uphill climb of working with my brain, I still get that feeling of “I wasn’t able to do all the things I wanted to accomplish.” I’m having to reframe life and realize the big successes I have accomplished instead of paying attention to all the other successes I wish I had gotten. It’s really easy as someone who’s ‘neurotypical’ to undermine my own difficulties or bad days in a world where I see so many people struggle with things that I don’t on a daily basis… inadvertently I put a ton of expectations on myself to perform perfectly because my brain functions ‘normal,’ so it’s always nice to watch people who hold a perspective of being patient with yourself. Just wanted to thank you for what you’re doing. It’s very uplifting content in a sea of hustle culture and maximum productivity. ❤
For me, with an autistic brain, the keys to building a fulfilling life are 1.) the infrastructure side of things, which on the financial side is something I struggle with a lot, 2.) making sure that I'm curating my commitments at least in part based on how much meaning they hold for me. I can deal with a lot more stress, and still feel fulfilled, if the struggle results in a meaningful contribution to the greater good that I believe I am uniquely positioned to offer. Not just doing things for myself helps me stay fulfilled, for sure. Respecting my special interests, and picking up spoons from them when I can, is definitely a part of the infrastructure that's easy to overlook. Just being fulfilled in the first place helps me do more things.
I needed this today. I have been wondering why my programming job drained energy and my sewing side gig doesn’t. I didn’t forget I have ASD but I did forget the existence of special interests. I also forgot sewing isn’t just a hobby, it is my special interest. Thanks ADHD. And thank you most kindly for reminding me.
You always know what to post to make me feel hopeful again. I am struggling with depression and burnout because my mom is fading in front of me thanks to stupid ALS and I gave up therapy and crafting and everything to help her. My husband and son are actually encouraging me to add to my life because I have nothing to look forward to every day. I work, I care for my mother (who lives with me). But it's a learning process and I will get good at it, because of YOU!
I'm in my 30s and just finished my 3rd semester of upgrading in college (that i didn't have the chance to go to earlier in life) so I can figure out what I enjoy. I haven't stopped feeling like I'm failing every course of every semester (except English) since I started. I haven't failed a single one, but the terror I feel is so aggressive. Edit: (Cuz I forgot what I was going to say) I cut back on courses for next semester. It is going to take a little longer, but I've already taken this long, and an additional three months isn't really going to matter in the long run. Knowing I have a little less on my plate has already reduced my stress a bit.
Take one day at a time. Don't catastrophize things that haven't happened yet. The same ADHD gift of easily forgiving others, apply to yourself. If it didn't get done today it's ok. Having kids changes your thinking and you have to be adaptable any situation that pops up. Kid gets sick? You have to call into work or work after hours to make it happen. Protect the most import goals and the least important ones will fade into the background. Up till now the relationship you've protected the most is with yourself. Now it's time to protect your daughter.
I appreciate hearing a woman with ADHD discuss having an infant, and how that effects executive function. I also appreciate you talking about life in general once you have the career, babies, house, etc. This is so real.
You have no idea how relatable this is!! I’m a senior in college & recently got dx with T1 diabetes so what you said at around 2:25 really resonated with me. I was finally getting the hang of working with my brain when this big change came along and now i’m struggling in ways i haven’t struggled with in a while. It’s been a hard change but it’s forced me to curate my life just like you mentioned. I’ve been focusing more on myself than on other ppl and external accomplishments. To answer your question: What genuinely improves my life is prioritizing myself I realized that i got so swept up in the productivity culture that i would procrastinate activities that brought me joy bc they weren’t “productive” So I started going to the gym more bc being active really helps ease my anxiety. I’m also trying to paint more. I absolutely love it and find that it helps me slow down and be present but i haven’t been prioritizing it for the last few years bc of academics.
Haven’t been around in a while, but just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being a better therapist than any therapist I’ve seen, and someone who understood me better than I did. You are the reason I am happy today, and I hope one day you’re able to realize the magnitude of what you’re doing here.
I feel this same struggle so much. For parenting, think of the things that you remember positively from your childhood. I’ll bet baby swim classes and similar options aren’t what you remember joyfully about your own childhood. Remember kids will remember story time and building forts not if the house was very clean and the yard landscaped. For the rest of life, I try to do projects that bring me joy or the ones that will free up time or resources (the bottlenecks).
Curate. What a helpful word to use! I can imagine in an art gallery (beautiful life) adjustments being made as art(our activities, thoughts, items) is being rotated in and out. I’ve been working at simplifying the items in my home because I’m overwhelmed with the amount of inventory. I can’t keep up. I hadn’t thought about simplifying (curating) the other things in my life. Thank you for sharing this with us. YOU are making a difference! 🤗
I'm planning for a no spend year. My frivolous spending is out of control. A no spend year seems extreme. But desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm hoping this year to do more of the projects I have lying around, declutter hard core, get a meal planning routine in place, start reading again, etc. Wish me luck!
I was finally diagnosed with ADHD last summer even though I've "known" for years. Figured I was successful enough with my homemade tools that it didn't matter. But I realized how much it affected my spouse so now I'm far more thoughtful, present, and venerable. As you shared here, I thought about giving up some volunteer work in order to further support my hobbies and family. Just taking time for that consideration is awesome. Thank you!
'Infrastructure' is such a powerful metaphor. One I've been in need of for a while now. For my part, I'm trying to abandon nuerotypical systems and getting organized in ways that work with me.
Over the past 10 years I have been able to slowly build a company that can now run without me. It took a lot of practice and patience and clarity to let go of tasks, build a team, and allow them to take on the work I was doing. In other words, to build the infrastructure of the company. The clarity for that infrastructure building primarily happened during moments like you are describing. Moments of realizing I was way beyond my own capacity and overbuilt beyond my infrastructure. Moments of feeling like a failure. A business coach of mine taught me the 3x5 card technique. During those times, I would be forced to reflect on what were the three to five things that were absolutely essential for me to do. Or, even, the things I wanted to be able to do in the future without distraction. The work is then to let go of as much of the other stuff as possible. I did that over and over again. These times of feeling like a failure are part of what pushed me to hone and build something that could be self-sustaining. You've got this! I can't wait to see what clarity this moment will brings for you and how you lean into more of what brings you joy.
I went through a trauma healing journey using the Grief Recovery Handbook. I feel so much lighter, but I no longer know how to adult and do all the things I want to do-- like have a cleanish house without it taking a grueling weekend. I still have so much in my "city" to unbuild but I haven't known where to start. This is really helpful. Thank you!!!
I really love the infrastructure comparison. It has me thinking in metaphors and visualizations. What is the village of my life? It definitely has a library (reading), so now I'm thinking how can I improve that? My local library IRL has benches, flowers, and a big garden. It doesn't take a lot to make a space more enjoyable, like metaphorically planting flowers. Going to my life village's library means reading a book, but maybe it's an audiobook and I go for a walk. Or it's reading a book my friend recommended so we can talk about it and bond. I'm definitely going to run with this metaphor, haha.
Great metaphors--infrastructure, city buildings, etc. One problem we have is an inability to explain ourselves to others, but metaphors like those can help. Excellent comments in this thread build on your metaphors. Thanks for that--and for everything you do for/with us and yourself.
I relate to this so strongly. It has been a major theme in my life this year and it's been coming to a head. Too much stuff. Too many responsibilities. Too much stimulation. I'm having trouble "stopping building" as well. Your metaphor about infrastructure is really helpful. Thank you, Jessica!
This has really helped me understand my current struggles! Could you make a follow up video on how to build that infrastructure? I feel like I´m currently even struggling to maintain the basics (earn money, keep myself healthy (mentally and physically), have friends, make time for my partner). And with all my energy going to maintaining these things, I dont have energy left to improve things. And all the advice I´m getting is "find a better Job", "do more sports", "go to therapy", "practice self care" and yes, doing those things would probably give me more infrastructure in the long run. But all of these also cost me energy to start or set up that I do not have currently. It feels like playing a city building game where my citicens complain about not having enough food, butthey are too unhappy to build the fields I´d need for more food.
What it works for me when I feel like I'm failing and I am going directly to a rabbit hole I start decluttering my stuff in my room. And I want to emphasize "My Stuff", because I live with my partner and I don't throw away his belongings. I start with my trash can and one drawer. Takes literally 15 minutes the entire process. And I feel that I have control of my life. Just that space made the difference. After I see my organize drawer I feel proud. Little by little I boost my confidence because I'm taking action to improve something tangible. I know sounds bit weird. But it really helps when I'm anxious, and failing.
How I now feel successful is a combination of many of the things you mentioned. - because we have an "out of sight out of mind" problem, I have reminders of all the places I've been, certificates of achievement etc around the place to remind me of success - I have really worked on reminding myself that "the grass is always greener where you water it" - not only is the world set up for neurotypicals, but it's a patriarchy and financially I realistically cannot have achieved what my parents/grandparents did. Keeping these realities at hand provides context to my "failure to achieve" certain societal expected milestones
I hope I didn’t just miss this but what about asking for help? One thing I realized I needed to do that really helped my mental health when I became a mom was asking others to do things for you. I’m guessing your family or people around you could probably pitch in more, especially with the baby. I think as moms we have this idea that WE need to do the things in order to be a “good mom”. Have your husband take her to swim lessons every other time or even every time. Make a plan with others and see what you can delegate. It does wonders and clears up time if only so you can just be alone. Being a new mom is tough and we have to learn to give ourselves grace. I remember thinking “other people can do all this, why can’t I??” Well, maybe they aren’t happy or just barely making it, too. Delegate, delegate, delegate!
Yes. Delegate. Our society has really developed this " manifest, will power" mantra. It's causing so many people to suffer in silence. Be around the right people. You get quality encouragement. Don't use people for dopamine hits. Choose to be around people who show they are emotionally mature.
YES. This was my thought watching this. Everyone needs a break every once in a while. And just like at a job, we can take a break when we know there is someone to pick up our work while we do. Knowing I can count on my husband to do household tasks when I can't is priceless. Help is an important part of the "infrastructure" that many people forget to build in.
I want to give you a hug, I've always been in a russian roulette of hyperfixations onto teh next thing, it isn't until now that I'm consciously deciding to keep going in certain things for this amount of time and drop others and I feel teh message of less is more
I have been kind of curating for a year now. It involved deep dives into my people pleasing so I could indeed withdraw with some relationships that were unhealthy and unreciprocated, and stepping back from commitments outside of work when they impacted my day job. It's so freeing and beautiful. Thanks for this encouragement!
We're at very different stages of our ADHD journeys, but also struggling with the same failures at the moment, which is comforting in a way. I'm 19, and not even two years on from my diagnosis. I just realised how little infrastructure I have for a mostly barren city. Most of my buildings were built for me by society, except from my hobby skyscrapers haha. I need to build more of what I want whilst learning the correct infrastructure. I love simplifying this issue into the metaphor that you used, makes it a lot less intimidating and big! Thanks for making me and thousands of others feel less alone! :)
Oh my God, 6:50 got me. Doing things for others is definitely my biggest struggle right now while I'm trying to juggle life and get my career ramped up. Thank you SO much for always making videos that very directly address what so many of us face!
I can completely relate to having coping skills seem to suddenly stop working. I’ve thought of it like a snake growing and shedding its skin. I think that every once in a while we outgrow our skills like a snake outgrows its skin. Thank you for this video! It’s perfect timing!
This episode hit me squarely between the eyes! I’m currently in way over my head with a commitment that will end in March. I’ve made it abundantly clear that I will be stepping down at the end of my term, as it’s just plain stressing me out. My son and his wife will be having twins in April, and priorities change. This one’s a no-brainer!
Hey, I hear you. I have fear that I won’t be able to handle things so I don’t embark on them. My life is too small (really it is!) and I’m slowly learning what I can do to liven things up a bit. Being brave. Some days.
I have so many ideas for creative projects I'm excited about, but it's only when other people are involved that I actually get them done. Being accountable to myself can sometimes feel like trying to make it through Times Square NYE, to get to a hot dog stand 5 blocks away. And I don't even know if any hot dogs will be left by the time I get there. This is more the longterm projects.
This is one of the most important lessons I had to learn in life and am still busy implementing again and again in accordance to how my life keeps changing. It's so important to make priorities and not let yourself guide mostly by expectations from others. For some this is especially hard, since I feel like working 20-30h/week is only compatible with seeing a few friends once a few months. After trying again and again I have not yet found another workable solution that would allow for me to have a richer social life while not having to settle for no job. Some in a similar situation think I made the wrong choice but so far I'm the happiest I've ever been - and with less guilt ❤
thank you so much for this!! i’ve been having a lot of trouble at work lately post-election, when depression left me with little energy left for my detail-heavy, deadline-oriented job. i started making a lot of mistakes that my boss was annoyed with me for (helloooooo rsd!), and then bam. my mom got a cancer diagnosis and i’ve moved back home to care for her. this metaphor is so helpful, because my instinct is to work more and work harder so i can stop feeling like i’m failing at my job, but the infrastructure simply isn’t there right now. it’s been really hard, so i appreciate this discussion a lot ❤
I'm crying, I needed to hear this right now. I asked my wife recently to not allow me to go to school again because it's so overwhelming. I have been trying to go by things like "use what you have first" but it felt restrictive and yes like failing.I have felt so overwhelmed at work and with things like appoints I thought I was beyond struggling with. The infrastructure analogy paints a different picture entirely. I've felt like I needed to 'give up and simplify' my life, now I think I'm going to pause and curate. Thank you 💜
Hi, I was diagnosed with ADHD three weeks ago. I am 51 year old. I has been dificult. But what i thik it helps is minimalism. Having less, to focus on what is more important. I think i find this concept so attractive cause i feel overwhelmed so many times. I hope this helps. Jessica, i love your videos. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
@@neliacamarinha9733 I was recently diagnosed with ADHD as well. While some of it seems to fit, I still don’t know if I agree. Either way, , I am going to fix it. I dont plan to make it my identity.
I think a key component is that we are living in a hyper-capitalistic society, in the US, where we are burning out on just remaining stable. I had to remind myself that having a roof over my head is great, but giving to much of myself at work drained the joy out of existing.
I started going back to uni to finish up my degree after I got diagnosed with ADHD and the whole package (depression etc), and been advised to take a break. At first everything going smoothly, I'm listening to the lectures, taking notes, studying and more. But as time goes on the burden is building up (more work, more assignment, more projects), and I keep slowing down and it's feeding my anxiety. I never felt more of a failure then now, since I guess I couldn't blame myself for *not* knowing what to do. This video helps me realise I'm not alone so thank you.
I'm so glad you're figuring things out. As a parent, I strongly encourage you to run from perfectionism - it'll WRECK you. Also, the parenting industry, and especially the baby industry, will put tons of pressure on you to do and buy everything, with the threat of your child being somehow harmed if they don't have every gadget, experience, and advantage. This will also wreck you AND your kid. (for instance, you can delay swim lessons until she's older and she won't be impaired - she can learn to swim/not be afraid of the water as a gradeschooler, it's fine)
I didn’t know that I had adhd when I became a mother, but I did know that I was in some ways “sensitive” and easily tired. 2 things that really helped me were: “sleep when your baby sleeps” and peanut butter sandwiches. Yes, it will mess up your circadian rhythm, and shorter sleeps don’t have enough REM, but what’s the alternative? Also I slept with baby in my bed with me. That way I didn’t have to get up and go to him which woke me up far more so I was less likely to get back to sleep, and when he woke it was far easier to get him back to sleep quickly. Remember, your baby is very likely to be neurodiverse too and may have pronounced separation anxiety for longer than other children. What did you want from your parents when you were very little? Neurodiverse babies, for all that they are delightful in their own ways, they are also hard work. You and your husband will need to do their executive functioning for them for longer than with other kids. Luckily for your child, you’re already an expert on how to help them gain their own skills! I really, really wish that I had known that my first child was neurodiverse, and that both his parents were neurodiverse. It would have made a huge difference to all our lives. But we didn’t know until far too late.
I've been in a deep regression the last year or so, just floundering and growing increasingly depressed as I've failed harder and more consistently. Thank you for this video.
Hi Jessica, I'm new here after seeing your tedx bratislava talk. I'm 46 and I recognize a lot of things.. while my psychologist doesn't want to label it. I also experience a lot of anxiety since a few years. Greets from Belgium, Europe
This hit so close to home right down to the 7-month-old baby. I work two jobs and have been eyeballing other side hobbies. And I keep trying to tell myself to stop building, but I’m getting major fomo over the stuff that I can’t do. I’ve been following you for awhile but this video right here, this has me in tears.
recently discovered this account like a month ago bcs i was having trouble setting a routine , being productive and just trying to set things for next year when i leave for uni. i saw everyone my age(im 17) just having things together which made me feel so behind in life, that would making my chest feel heavy and fill me up with anxious thoughts, what ifs. but it increased my procastination which made me mad at myself in a sense. your channel helps me understand myself so much better, it helped me realize how i also might have undiagnosed adhd which might come from being the parentified daughter, i genuinely thank you for sharing your knowledge and your personal struggles with us
Thank you for this. I needed to hear this. I am in adhd burnout due to exactly this and this fear of failing at life and feeling like I’m not living the life I want to live has sent my anxiety through the roof. It hadn’t occurred to me that I neither have the infrastructure and I need to stop building and that that can be ok
This resonants so much with me Jess ❤ I used to be the “yes girl” and couldn’t say no because I’d feel bad I’m letting someone down. But after many burnout moments, I realized it’s OK to say no and set boundaries. Now I’m better at recognizing when to “stop building” and focusing on what I have now. And you’re so right… I’m so much happier 😊 I love this channel and your book and the community you’ve created. Thank you 💜
I am so grateful that you have a little baby. That video was 100% on target for me and my husband ❤ We both have ADHD and we both have our baby and we bought a house. We are failing at everything and I have postpartum depression. Thank you so much for the problem research and sharing your feelings. It felt like I am accepted and belong to this society. It felt like I am enough and there are people who understand me.
Thank you for sharing this in a very vulnerable way. I totally recognize the feeling of wanting to add more and more. I am now coming back from a burnout where I discovered only recently I have ADHD. I keep wanting to get my life "back on track", but there is no "back", since it made me unhappy and depressed+burned out, so I need to re-figure out what "my life" means to me... curating what I have sounds like a valuable approach! I will browse through your other videos to get inspiration and more importantly build more self-esteem. Thank you for being here.
I have been looking at this the wrong way, I had been struggling and this video really taught me where my life imbalance is happeening, and I was taking on more and more. I didn't realize that's why I was having issues, I already have a routine, and that keeps my life more under control, but because I had build my life on a routine, when something happens I then readjust to sometimes i'm over adjusting, and I didn't realize that was my problem. I think I can get the right adjustment into my life. Thank you very much for this, I genuinely needed to hear this.
Just want to say I love your channel. I came across your book in the most ADHD possible. I hopped on the streetcar heading home after the gym and saw a bookstore I hadn't been to. I hopped off a half second before the doors closed and impulsively went into the book store. Your book was "How to ADHD" jumped out and I bought it. I hadn't been diagnosed yet but I had done a bunch of online tests and was about %99 sure I had ADHD. So I impulsively bought the book. So far I only read it in bits and pieces, very ADHD style, for the parts that are useful. I love it and I love your channel. Keep up the great work 👍
This spoke with me so much. I have a new job, 2 young boys, and a house and not exactly coping well. I’m currently working on appreciating the things I have, but I still find myself in that habit of buying new things to try to and make my brain happy. It’s a patch that doesn’t fill the hole, it just rips off a short time later. While it sucks that you’re experiencing the same thing, I’m happy to hear it’s not just me. I will definitely spend some time thinking about how to apply these strategies to my own life. Reducing only works when you have things you’re able to reduce, but considering things like infrastructure isn’t something I’d thought of. In terms of how I make life fulfilling, I’m finding joy in my kids growth, precious time spent with them and my wife, and knowing that my job is making a difference in my kids future. I can’t do everything, but my kids will always remember Dad was there, even if he wasn’t always capable of participating 100% of the time or in the best mental/emotional state while doing so. Knowing that my kids are becoming good people is also deeply fulfilling.
Talk about perfect timing!! Earlier today, I asked my 19 yr old if they thought I should take a class next semester. (I've been working towards a bachelor degree. Spring semester was a bear, so I took off this semester to be more involved with the 16-yr-old's activities.) This video clarified the choices I have. Do less, be present, be happier OR do more, be stressed, be moody, grumpy and tired. In 18 months they'll both be gone to college and I can resume then. It's no failure if I'm making stronger connections with my kids. This video was great!!
Earlier this year I decided my three priorities in life are my career, my wellness, and my marriage. That’s really helped me figure out what to say no to and and where I need to shore up to support those three things!! My spouse and I have non negotiable scheduled date night every week. Having that evening together is one of the best things we’ve done to support our relationship!
Thank you. Just what I needed to hear today. I woke up this morning with the persistent thought/feeling that I was a burden and your video was the first thing that popped up when I opened up TH-cam.
More more more more more, new new new new sounds like your ADHD wants a constant dopamine hit. When I feel like that, most of the time I'm able to reign it in, it took a fair bit of self-analysis which is difficult to start, so keep at it as it really does help.
Respecting my own limits and practicing saying no in the moment even when it's awarded and makes me feel bad. Just those two things have absolutely changed my stress leaves and my resentment toward others. It changed my relationships and allowed me to enjoy life more.
My woman has ADHD. So I’m trying to learn as much as I can here on this channel
@e.ukpong - You are amazing for doing that. Your post gives me hope🙏🏾🫶🏾🥹
you're the best
Good for you brother - every bit helps.
While you’re in this, check out attachment theory. It helps relationshipping so much.
Heidi Priebe has a great channel
H.eidi P.riebe has a great channel
Have to type it weird due to TH-cam’s strangeness…
same. not paying bills, putting off friends, not exercising, not accomplishing anything.
I take meds, shower, eat, watch youtube, tidy a few things (not the other 99%). just responding to messages requires so much effort
Watching TH-cam is a dangerous, very unspecific step.
It's easy to spend more time doing that than you want and at some point the relaxing break with a video or two starts draining your energy again as you feel guilt for continuing to watch more.
Same here 😢
@@sebastianjostYes its hard
@zezezep As if you were describing my own life right now
You are right
“Understanding what your limits are and working within those limits is not failure. That *is* success.
But it's the hardest thing to do when you struggle with executive functioning. The struggle is real. Embrace it, do your best to understand, learn, and re-orient.
You are definitely not a failure. As you mentioned, you have a 7-month-old, and I’ve noticed that many parents of neurotypical and neurodiverse children often arrive late and apologize for feeling unreliable. Your incredible brain is adjusting to sleep deprivation, which, interestingly, is commonly recognized as a method of torture. You are working hard and doing your best to bring compassion into your life.
True that! My little AuDHDer had colic for a year. We slept in 20min naps at night (no day naps). My only goal then was for both of us to survive it! 🥴
I still feel like a constant failure as I'm constantly pulled in 5 directions at once - so of course I drop the ball now and then! - but I darn well made sure he got his diagnoses, meds, and accommodations at school. He is fed, clothed, warm and pretty darn happy. I know logically THAT is what matters and I'm succeeding, despite that constant nagging feeling.
Motherhood while working part time AND being a dual-carer (running my mum's home, meds, shopping etc as well) is the hardest thing I've ever done, so I'm working on adding more self-care (and grace) into my life. If nothing else, I can say I'm struggling "RIGHT NOW" as I know in time it will pass. I also try to catch myself on negative self-talk, by saying "what would I say if a friend was saying this?"
I hope these 2 framing prompts help. 💗
Yes! To add to this, I really think there needs to be more research about the link between sleep deprivation and postpartum depression (which Jessica mentioned struggling with in a different video). I’m really surprised about how under-researched this is, and since people with ADHD are more affected by Sleep deprivation, new mothers with ADHD have a double challenge and support is extra important. Why is there not more research on the intersection of ADHD and motherhood, and on the relationship between sleep deprivation and postpartum depression? It seems like the relationship between poor sleep hygiene and depression is established but POSTPARTUM depression is dismissed like it’s a completely separate thing.
Im 30. Stuck in a dead-end job, recently failed another relationship (my ex literally left me saying he wants to date a “normal” woman which is fair but still hurt like hell to hear cause not once in my life have i ever felt normal or good enough), my mum died last summer. I no longer have a family, rarely any friends (mostly living thousands of kms away in different countries). The only reason i havent given up my life is because of my adopted dog, Vincent❤️dogs really are angels
Your not alone, my life story is a mirror of most of what you wrote. I also learned to make peace with what I do have instead of what I don't and that gratitude means the world to me. My great pyrenees is also my best friend/family.
💔
You deserve to be loved by someone who will love you for who you are ❤ My deepest condolences about your mom. She is still here for you and I know she’s cheering you on and helping you in ways you can’t even see right now. Things will get better, just keep holding on ❤
I think its our culture. Love is so hard to find. And people are so selfish. As a Christian the only thing that helps is hope for heaven.
@bianka94825 Oprah wasn't Oprah until she was in her 40s you still have time!
Also a reminder for anyone watching this when the video was posted, if you also have seasonal depression then this time of year can make those feelings even stronger! Check in with your doctor or therapist or a friend if you need some external support. Take care, friends 💜
For some reason it literally hadn't crossed my mind that I could be under the effects of Seasonal depression despite feeling the same every time this season rolls around. Big duh moment here.
Do NOT check with your doctor. They’ll just put you on meds. Research how to help yourself naturally 😊
Thanks for the biscuit. 😉
To anyone who struggles with seasonal depression, vitamin D supplements, iron are key. Also try out a SAD lamp.
I didn’t find any of those alleviated my depression (but I still do it), so I recently got a smart light bulb. I set it to turn on just before I’m supposed to wake up and I wake up to a daylit room.
I’ve heard full-spectrum lightbulbs are helpful too
Also if you can, try to go outside during daylight hours for a short walk or something. I hate feeling like I wasted the daylight hours for
my biggest thing i have taught myself is that leaving something unfinished is not a failure, and that unfinished projects are way more fun to come back to when time has passed and you are motivated to continue again.
Oh thanks! That's a really nice way to think about it and that's true!
Oh my gosh! YES! I learned this recently. Game changer.
I am crying my eyes out.. My whole life was a 'failure' for me. 😢😢I am happy to be in this community where I know I am not alone🥺
Yes. Same 💗
I feel the same we are not alone and im greatful for that
Reaallly appreciate the pace of your speech and the minimal nonsense words. My attention sticks. I can easily stay with the full video. I have just been diagnosed. At 77. Very overdue for assistance. And every little thing helps.
I do my best! Some of it is definitely editor magic! (There is a lot of cut content of me just... rambling or tangenting lol)
Haha! Thank you. Only just discovering my neurodivergence- at this end of my life- you can imagine the hurricane of emotions and the importance of me gaining some control- finally. So much of old age is entropy, and Adhd is not helpful in warding it off.
@@dianaking8828definitely helpful to look for ADHD resources in your area. It is now a federally recognized disability(in the United States) and many states have recognized it as such.
Due to this many resource centers exist that might be able to help point you on the path to making your life easier.
You say at the end of your life, but every year life expectancy has been increasing. Even simple organizing tools can really help, such as label makers and clear storage containers.
If nothing else, if you really aren't sure of your long term prospects, if you happen to have children, reorganizing with help could help your kids or grand children when *knock on wood* it is your time to go.
It is NEVER too late to seek out help. I have to work on that myself as well.
I am still fighting for Meds at 50.... ❤ Amazing and emotional to get a diagnosis at 77 🌹
@@alibongois indeed. I was in shock for awhile. Then pleased and now I’m angry. My dr is reluctant to give me stimulants because of my age. ( Adlerall & retinol are out) So I’m trying Bupropion an antidepressant which can impact adhd in some cases. I’m in very early experimental stage but suspect I will have to rely on new tools and techniques. Trouble ,is my coping & masking strategies seem hard wired now.
Good luck with your journey
Not the same thing, but I have cancer and I'm currently going through chemo. The interaction with my ADHD is... sobering. I now know why I've been so extremely and uniquely burnt out with my PhD and other life goals for a long, long time - my cancer is slow growing, so it's possible I've had it for years. And yet I'm still struggling with making peace with where I am at the moment and the things I can't do. Definitely hard not to overbuild and even reduce my load when that doesn't align with my sense of self and my dreams. But you have to look your limits in the eye. And I'm already succeeding by surviving chemo and fighting this cancer.
Something you briefly touched on which I think is important, is that your mom did all of these things and it feels like you should be able to as well. Our parents are often our first and primary roadmap for who we FEEL like we're supposed to be at various stages of our lives. It's very important to remember that they are different people, and they also grew up at a different time. They likely did not do everything the same way their parents did either, often times for good reason. It's okay to be your own person and navigate today's world to the best of your ability.
It's also important to keep in mind that we see our parents 1) from the outside, we don't know how much they may struggle or feel like a failure and 2) from a child's perspective. It's not going to be a realistic standard to hold for yourself.
I was thinking, "Your mother was an amazing person from everything you've said, Jessica. And, your mother never owned a successful TH-cam channel, wrote a book about ADHD, etc." I know how easy it is to feel like you're not enough when you have a great mom. Your story is different and great.
Been sick for weeks and feeling so bad about myself, this came at the perfect moment.
Been sick for the past 5 days and I feel like a failure since I missed 2 days of work. The timing couldn't be better.
Timing was….coincidence or fate? I say both ❤
Me too 😢
I have long covid. My buildings have fallen down and my infrastructure needs upgrading. I'm struggling. Your video has given me a way to articulate my difficulties. Thank you once again!
😔
Having language to help people understand is so important.
I’m so sorry you have this. I have a friend who has long covid and she can barely walk. It’s unreal that this has happened to people.
Same here I've had LC for over 4 years now, got covid once in 2020. I'm constantly afraid of being reinfected and getting worse. Over time I've felt better but it hasn't been linear for sure and tbh I've felt like I've been in survival mode for so long. Hang in there, I know how it feels
I’m in the last few weeks of my bachelor’s degree, but I’m so burned out and physically ill from working and studying while socially isolated that I don’t know how I’m going to get through the last few assignments to earn my diploma. This was a helpful video.
Wishing you luck! I was there last year. Burnout is such a beast
Jessica, it’s not just sleep and infrastructure- very important things! It takes years for a postpartum women to fully recover. Just because we regain our menses doesn’t mean our bodies have recovered (9-12 year olds aren’t ready either!). Hormones stay wacky, internal organs need to reshift, our gastrointestinal systems are often impacted by loose connective tissue from pregnancy and the trauma of being squished… so many things our bodies need grace and time to heal. Our push-push society and comparing ourselves to others who we don’t really see when they are at their worst (& who may have different needs/recovery) is really hard. It’s a lot. I almost set my house on fire multiple times, lost purses, keys, coffee cups in public places or off the roof of my car, locked my baby in the car with the keys (damn those easy lock doors!) ran out of gas… it was the most intense, most horrible, happiest time of my adult life.
I can’t tell you how nice this was, I’m really struggling today especially and this video just kinda showed up, and honestly thank you for not only providing us with these strategies but making us feel less alone. Sometimes it’s really easy to feel like I’m the only one feeling like this and watching you accomplish the things I want to one day truly does give me hope.
Awwwww yeah I figured I wasn't the only one... and you're right it can be so easy to feel like we're the only one. And honestly for all that we accomplish... we definitely still have our struggles (which is kinda mentioned in the video a little with the not checking emails)... and sometimes we struggle a loooooot.
Lagom. The Swedish philosophy of “just enough”. I’ve been trying to think in that way to help balance my drive of wanting to do the more when I cannot balance the more, to remember sometimes “just enough” is enough and more is “too much”. I’ve been watching videos from Scandi channels because they have amazing philosophies about slower living and taking moments or doing less to achieve more happiness. It’s really helpful to my brain. Even if I can’t always manage to follow it. 😅
As always, you’re awesome. Thanks for being you.
Sorry but i am from sweden and we do not live in a slower pace....soery to twllthw thruth.😢❤
@@malinpegenius7945 I used the word Philosophy for a reason.
I’m working on emotional regulation. I can’t always control my executive output to the extent I’d like to, but what I can have more control over is my response to my “fails”. Like rather than having my top goal be executive function, my top goal should be to be kind to myself. To be gentle with myself even when I make mistakes or burn out. That’s the only way I can get back on track anyway. ❤
Damm this is exactly what I'm working through today. I learned that sometimes my gratitude prompts feel pointless because of what I'm balancing so instead of being grateful for my dog or a person, I write down everything that makes me grateful for them. The why behind the what, sometimes even the how. What makes me smile. Then I think about how I can walk in a good way, honoring the past and being attentive to the future to live better in the now
I've figured out that my perfectionism was destroying my drive to continue doing things I loved doing. Letting go of being OUTCOME focus and rather journey focused has been helping a lot. Also removing time wasters helps too. Doom scrolling and what not.
This came at such an important time! I've literally been asking myself constantly over the past week: why is everything I do seemingly wrong?
Thank you, Jessica!!!
Awwwww I hope this video can help then!
I appreciate you posting this. I am struggling with feeling like I’m regressing. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, but meds and routine worked. In adulthood the meds aren’t as effective and life is just more responsibilities… It’s good to know I’m not alone and progress doesn’t have to be linear.
yeeaaahhhh the adult responsibility load can be a tough one. But I'm glad to hear the video has helped :)
Felt… I swapped meds not long ago and seasonal depression has just halted my progress
I'm just avoiding everything.
Same 😢
I wish there were some magic to snap you out of it, but i believe in you.
Me too ❤
Always
I had a rough time at my parents house and moved into a kind of Teen care house (I'm living in germany, so I don't know if this is normal at other countries) at 17. They still didn't understand adhd and we did get into arguments, but it was far less Personal and I was able to have more control over my life. Also, I had some time to heal from trauma I had gained at my parents, I got a better relationship with food, I could leave the room when overstimulated, ect. I had learned a lot at that time and spent a LOT of time and energy on building routines and getting better, dealing with my adhd, ect. I am very creative and there's a bunch of crafts I love doing but didn't find the time or energy to do at my parents - so I also finally started doing that. I painted, I made beaded animals, I tried crocheting, I wrote on my book, ect. Then, school started and everything kinda collapsed. I was in school until 17:00 almost every day and since we HAD to be "home" at 18:00 for lunch, I didn't have time to talk to new found friends after school, which has always been a Thing i had loved doing (also, a way to Stall going home to my parents) and then they expected me to sit down with them and tell them about my life (I don't know why) and were angry that I didn't - but I was just EXHAUSTED. I would just go to sleep. (Also, i had met my yet boyfriend, whom I texted constantly) During that time, I was expected to change rooms. my room, which I loved (it was big and bright and I just felt very comfortable), was right next to the Office. we had someone move out downstairs and someone going to move in - they wanted the New one to be next to the Office, so I had to go downstairs. (I was actually still pretty new, I was there for a year in total) My "new room" was less than half as big as my Former room. With all my crafting stuff, books, clothes, ect., even if I did have had the time to unbox my stuff, the room just would have been too small. So I lived out of Boxes. and my room was never tidied up. Also, being alone downstairs, instead of next to the Office, made me feel kinda lonely. and it made it even harder to go in there to tell them about my day. I got 18 and not long after, they told me, if I wouldnt step up, I couldn't stay. I tried, I tried my absolute hardest, but the problem was, i had ALREADY been trying my hardest BEFORE that. And the added pressure and anxiety sure didn't make it better? Then they asked me if I already knew what I was going to do if they'd kick me out. I said no, because I knew my parents wouldnt take me back in. But they insisted, I had a plan, so in a panic, I said that I didn't think my grandparents would take me, but I would at least ask them. a few hours later, I got a call from my grandma, furious for "telling them they would take me in". Apparently they had just called my grandparents without asking and told them I said that, eventhough I didn't really. Well, that was the last stroke for me, we got into an argument and i got thrown out. My boyfriends mother already hated me for being in that Teen care System (it's like the same that has orphanages, I think) and because she was sure I was a gold digger or something and my parents "sure had their reasons to throw me out" (of course, she never asked, only assumed). He still got my stuff and hid it in his parents Garage and I went to my best Friend for some time. well, i went from friend to friend, until I found myself not having any place to go anymore. that's how I ended up being homeless for nearly a year (at 18!). now, I am living in my own appartment, with my boyfriend, since September.
my Routinen are dead and my energy is always super low. I am not usually able to craft or do anything from my Hobbies and it really makes me sad, because I'd love to - and i always feel I'm loosing important practice. Everything I worked on is just gone... I constantly feel like I am wasting time and opportunities and I just keep thinking about how great life WILL be, once I'm better and that just hurts because I really do want to live in and enjoy the moment. but it's hard. because I don't feel much like myself and i cant do much. I'm not currently working (I'm getting money for mental health reasons, german System, I don't know how to explain) and "only" doing household Chores but that already feels like soooo much and I know most people would call what I'm doing holidays or something but I've never been more exhausted. Suddenly having my own appartment, doing Chores, cooking and feeding myself regularly, ect. ect. honestly is already overwhelming as it is. then add the trauma I try to heal from because of being homeless and even more trauma because now with my own place and a Partner who truly loves me, stuff my parents did comes back to me... Like, what do you mean, you don't scream at me when I break something? that's NOT normal? it's a lot to Deal with. And seeing how all my work in building routines, building MYSELF, in some way, is just gone. God, that hurts.
And I've always struggled a lot with the whole "feeling like I'm not fullfilling my potential" thing and now that just hits even harder. because I spend my days doing seemingly nothing, being absolutely exhausted by that alone and feeling in every part of my body that I couldnt do more if I tried. but then also knowing that there have been times where I had done three times as much as my peers because I had fun doing so, there had been times where people were amazed by my skills and I knew, I would become an author AND a good cook AND work in science AND always be there for my friends AND be an artist AND do acting and and and... And i know that technically, I could probably do all of that. But I can't. And if I try to be positive and tell myself, i'll just need some time to heal and readjust, then I find myself not living in the moment again. just dreaming for a future I cant work on. not be happy but just hope to be happy in the future. (of course, there are happy moments, but it's just not the usual state for me right now).
I'm really Stuck in that mindset right now and I really hope it will get better... but also really don't know what to do...
if you have read all that, wow. and thank you so much. honestly, just writing that has felt good but knowing others might read it, feels even better. kind of less lonely...
I read it. I hear you. You are trying so hard, and healing takes a lot of energy. I remember a roommate of mine who used to come home from therapy and sleep like a log for 3 hours! I'm so glad you have a safe place, and someone who loves you, and from there you can build the life you want, one brick at a time. ❤
@pjp9383 thank you I needed that so much 🥺❤️
It's difficult enough to manage your time alone, more so with someone in your life. Routine is your/our friend. Until I finally found and adjusted to a steady job, time to myself just wasn't possible! That is most definitely when it's hardest.
@@johnnesbit793 thank you! I guess I do just kinda have to take my time 😅
I'm proud of you and we're complete strangers! You have a lot to be proud of yourself for. I can see how much effort you invest in yourself. You've been through a lot and it's okay to take time to relearn and heal and CONTINUE your journey. Just because progress isn't at the level you'd like; doesn't mean you're not taking little steps every day. Each little step counts! Pasito a pasito, we're not in a rush. Lots of love, keep healing friend❤
I don't think words can express how much I need this video. I've been crying off/on for the past two days (including in therapy, in which I never cry) because I'm failing over and over and it's wreaking havoc on my life. This video won't solve my issues, but it's a reminder that there are tools to deal with it...
Thank you for talking about this and specifically as a parent. Its easy to say "stop and smell the roses" but for many of us, trying to undo sometimes decades of damage AND be a "normal person" AND support our own kid's often special needs so they dont grow up like we did feels impossible even when you have a partner. Im doing it all on my own and I feel like I'm doing it poorly but I also can't stop because other futures depend on me.
"I don't just look successful at life, from the outside, I get to BE successful at life." I needed to hear this today! ❤
I should watch more of your videos, my ADHD is driving me insane!! Thank you for giving us advice, advice from a neurotypical person never works for me 😭
We definitely have a lot! And there's a book to if you can afford it - there are ebook and audiobook versions too. But of course, our videos are always free :)
Do please see if there are ADHD resource centers near you. They are very helpful as well.
Oh it just gets very hard w/ kids. They take a lot of mental and emotional effort. And there's not much of a village for most of us. Give it 5 years, and be very kind to yourself.
Devon Price, discussing his book "Laziness Does Not Exist", offered the advice: "start with the assumption that you're already doing too much" and that was an eye opener for me.
And now for me as well. Just reading it struck the chord of "damn, it's absolutely true". Thank you for sharing that, kind internet stranger :)
I don't even have ADHD but this video came in such a perfect time in my life, I'm in the process of halting construction in my life and I loved your take on it xD
awwww thank you it means a lot!!
I cannot control the burnout because I cannot control the workflow. I either get what they tell me to get done or I get in trouble, lose hours, and possibly leave that job. :
Yeeaaahhhhhh, there are some things we can't control and those can be tough when they're causing us a lot of stress.
Theoretically ADHD is now a federally recognized disability. If you have a doctor's diagnosis for ADHD or ADD, you qualify for help from the government via SSI and other resources as well.
Take a look in your area for ADHD resources and see if there is a place near you that can help. They can help you get started by helping you reduce the number of hours you can work or helping you negotiate with your employer to help reduce your workload.
If your work won't work with your ADHD they aren't your friend and those same resources can help you find a job or career that supports your ADHD as well. Many resource centers have ADHD approved companies that have gotten audited for ADHD support and tools for success.
@kingzach74 I know about those things, but I don't WANT those things. I also seriously don't want reduced hours. If anything, I'd want MORE hours, so I have more time to process and possibly even get karts or other areas repaired. I can also guarantee that none of those ADHD friendly jobs are ones that keep my brain entertained. I want to be a mechanic, and I'm pretty sure "mechanic" is not an ADHD friendly job in context.
@kingzach74 While you are not wrong, unfortunately there are companies who will manufacture "issues" that get around those "protected class" characteristics.
@@jesselasalle5104maybe tell your co-workers to help you with the constant information overload??
very very relatable. i just don’t know how to cut out things because i have so many things i want to do. the only thing i WANT to cut out i can’t bc it’s work and obviously i need to work or i will not eat. and all the stuff i am passionate about is not easy to make a living doing
Someone without adhd but I’ve enjoyed your videos (I have two sisters with it, possibly both parents as well).
I like hearing things from another perspective, because even if I don’t struggle with the uphill climb of working with my brain, I still get that feeling of “I wasn’t able to do all the things I wanted to accomplish.”
I’m having to reframe life and realize the big successes I have accomplished instead of paying attention to all the other successes I wish I had gotten.
It’s really easy as someone who’s ‘neurotypical’ to undermine my own difficulties or bad days in a world where I see so many people struggle with things that I don’t on a daily basis… inadvertently I put a ton of expectations on myself to perform perfectly because my brain functions ‘normal,’ so it’s always nice to watch people who hold a perspective of being patient with yourself.
Just wanted to thank you for what you’re doing. It’s very uplifting content in a sea of hustle culture and maximum productivity. ❤
For me, with an autistic brain, the keys to building a fulfilling life are 1.) the infrastructure side of things, which on the financial side is something I struggle with a lot, 2.) making sure that I'm curating my commitments at least in part based on how much meaning they hold for me. I can deal with a lot more stress, and still feel fulfilled, if the struggle results in a meaningful contribution to the greater good that I believe I am uniquely positioned to offer. Not just doing things for myself helps me stay fulfilled, for sure.
Respecting my special interests, and picking up spoons from them when I can, is definitely a part of the infrastructure that's easy to overlook. Just being fulfilled in the first place helps me do more things.
I needed this today. I have been wondering why my programming job drained energy and my sewing side gig doesn’t. I didn’t forget I have ASD but I did forget the existence of special interests. I also forgot sewing isn’t just a hobby, it is my special interest.
Thanks ADHD.
And thank you most kindly for reminding me.
@@lindymoore Very glad to be of service!
10:10 made me cry because I’m learning that lesson right now
You always know what to post to make me feel hopeful again.
I am struggling with depression and burnout because my mom is fading in front of me thanks to stupid ALS and I gave up therapy and crafting and everything to help her.
My husband and son are actually encouraging me to add to my life because I have nothing to look forward to every day. I work, I care for my mother (who lives with me).
But it's a learning process and I will get good at it, because of YOU!
I'm in my 30s and just finished my 3rd semester of upgrading in college (that i didn't have the chance to go to earlier in life) so I can figure out what I enjoy.
I haven't stopped feeling like I'm failing every course of every semester (except English) since I started.
I haven't failed a single one, but the terror I feel is so aggressive.
Edit: (Cuz I forgot what I was going to say) I cut back on courses for next semester. It is going to take a little longer, but I've already taken this long, and an additional three months isn't really going to matter in the long run. Knowing I have a little less on my plate has already reduced my stress a bit.
Take one day at a time. Don't catastrophize things that haven't happened yet. The same ADHD gift of easily forgiving others, apply to yourself. If it didn't get done today it's ok. Having kids changes your thinking and you have to be adaptable any situation that pops up. Kid gets sick? You have to call into work or work after hours to make it happen. Protect the most import goals and the least important ones will fade into the background. Up till now the relationship you've protected the most is with yourself. Now it's time to protect your daughter.
I appreciate hearing a woman with ADHD discuss having an infant, and how that effects executive function. I also appreciate you talking about life in general once you have the career, babies, house, etc. This is so real.
I love your vids so much you have helped me since my ADHD was there Thank you jess xx
As an urban planner with ADHD and still learning how to work with my brain, I really love and appreciate the city building analogy ❤
You have no idea how relatable this is!!
I’m a senior in college & recently got dx with T1 diabetes so what you said at around 2:25 really resonated with me. I was finally getting the hang of working with my brain when this big change came along and now i’m struggling in ways i haven’t struggled with in a while.
It’s been a hard change but it’s forced me to curate my life just like you mentioned. I’ve been focusing more on myself than on other ppl and external accomplishments.
To answer your question:
What genuinely improves my life is prioritizing myself
I realized that i got so swept up in the productivity culture that i would procrastinate activities that brought me joy bc they weren’t “productive”
So I started going to the gym more bc being active really helps ease my anxiety. I’m also trying to paint more. I absolutely love it and find that it helps me slow down and be present but i haven’t been prioritizing it for the last few years bc of academics.
Haven’t been around in a while, but just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being a better therapist than any therapist I’ve seen, and someone who understood me better than I did.
You are the reason I am happy today, and I hope one day you’re able to realize the magnitude of what you’re doing here.
I feel this same struggle so much. For parenting, think of the things that you remember positively from your childhood. I’ll bet baby swim classes and similar options aren’t what you remember joyfully about your own childhood. Remember kids will remember story time and building forts not if the house was very clean and the yard landscaped. For the rest of life, I try to do projects that bring me joy or the ones that will free up time or resources (the bottlenecks).
Hi! You really helped me! Because of your channel, I got diagnosed! Thank you so much!😊
Curate. What a helpful word to use! I can imagine in an art gallery (beautiful life) adjustments being made as art(our activities, thoughts, items) is being rotated in and out. I’ve been working at simplifying the items in my home because I’m overwhelmed with the amount of inventory. I can’t keep up. I hadn’t thought about simplifying (curating) the other things in my life.
Thank you for sharing this with us. YOU are making a difference! 🤗
I'm planning for a no spend year. My frivolous spending is out of control. A no spend year seems extreme. But desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm hoping this year to do more of the projects I have lying around, declutter hard core, get a meal planning routine in place, start reading again, etc. Wish me luck!
I was finally diagnosed with ADHD last summer even though I've "known" for years. Figured I was successful enough with my homemade tools that it didn't matter. But I realized how much it affected my spouse so now I'm far more thoughtful, present, and venerable. As you shared here, I thought about giving up some volunteer work in order to further support my hobbies and family. Just taking time for that consideration is awesome. Thank you!
'Infrastructure' is such a powerful metaphor. One I've been in need of for a while now.
For my part, I'm trying to abandon nuerotypical systems and getting organized in ways that work with me.
Over the past 10 years I have been able to slowly build a company that can now run without me. It took a lot of practice and patience and clarity to let go of tasks, build a team, and allow them to take on the work I was doing. In other words, to build the infrastructure of the company.
The clarity for that infrastructure building primarily happened during moments like you are describing. Moments of realizing I was way beyond my own capacity and overbuilt beyond my infrastructure. Moments of feeling like a failure.
A business coach of mine taught me the 3x5 card technique. During those times, I would be forced to reflect on what were the three to five things that were absolutely essential for me to do. Or, even, the things I wanted to be able to do in the future without distraction. The work is then to let go of as much of the other stuff as possible. I did that over and over again.
These times of feeling like a failure are part of what pushed me to hone and build something that could be self-sustaining.
You've got this! I can't wait to see what clarity this moment will brings for you and how you lean into more of what brings you joy.
I went through a trauma healing journey using the Grief Recovery Handbook. I feel so much lighter, but I no longer know how to adult and do all the things I want to do-- like have a cleanish house without it taking a grueling weekend.
I still have so much in my "city" to unbuild but I haven't known where to start. This is really helpful. Thank you!!!
I really love the infrastructure comparison. It has me thinking in metaphors and visualizations. What is the village of my life? It definitely has a library (reading), so now I'm thinking how can I improve that? My local library IRL has benches, flowers, and a big garden. It doesn't take a lot to make a space more enjoyable, like metaphorically planting flowers. Going to my life village's library means reading a book, but maybe it's an audiobook and I go for a walk. Or it's reading a book my friend recommended so we can talk about it and bond. I'm definitely going to run with this metaphor, haha.
Great metaphors--infrastructure, city buildings, etc. One problem we have is an inability to explain ourselves to others, but metaphors like those can help. Excellent comments in this thread build on your metaphors. Thanks for that--and for everything you do for/with us and yourself.
I relate to this so strongly. It has been a major theme in my life this year and it's been coming to a head. Too much stuff. Too many responsibilities. Too much stimulation. I'm having trouble "stopping building" as well. Your metaphor about infrastructure is really helpful. Thank you, Jessica!
This has really helped me understand my current struggles! Could you make a follow up video on how to build that infrastructure? I feel like I´m currently even struggling to maintain the basics (earn money, keep myself healthy (mentally and physically), have friends, make time for my partner). And with all my energy going to maintaining these things, I dont have energy left to improve things. And all the advice I´m getting is "find a better Job", "do more sports", "go to therapy", "practice self care" and yes, doing those things would probably give me more infrastructure in the long run. But all of these also cost me energy to start or set up that I do not have currently. It feels like playing a city building game where my citicens complain about not having enough food, butthey are too unhappy to build the fields I´d need for more food.
The comparison to infrastructure is very helpful for me, thank you for framing it this way!
What it works for me when I feel like I'm failing and I am going directly to a rabbit hole I start decluttering my stuff in my room. And I want to emphasize "My Stuff", because I live with my partner and I don't throw away his belongings. I start with my trash can and one drawer. Takes literally 15 minutes the entire process. And I feel that I have control of my life. Just that space made the difference. After I see my organize drawer I feel proud. Little by little I boost my confidence because I'm taking action to improve something tangible. I know sounds bit weird. But it really helps when I'm anxious, and failing.
How I now feel successful is a combination of many of the things you mentioned.
- because we have an "out of sight out of mind" problem, I have reminders of all the places I've been, certificates of achievement etc around the place to remind me of success
- I have really worked on reminding myself that "the grass is always greener where you water it"
- not only is the world set up for neurotypicals, but it's a patriarchy and financially I realistically cannot have achieved what my parents/grandparents did. Keeping these realities at hand provides context to my "failure to achieve" certain societal expected milestones
I hope I didn’t just miss this but what about asking for help? One thing I realized I needed to do that really helped my mental health when I became a mom was asking others to do things for you. I’m guessing your family or people around you could probably pitch in more, especially with the baby. I think as moms we have this idea that WE need to do the things in order to be a “good mom”. Have your husband take her to swim lessons every other time or even every time. Make a plan with others and see what you can delegate. It does wonders and clears up time if only so you can just be alone. Being a new mom is tough and we have to learn to give ourselves grace. I remember thinking “other people can do all this, why can’t I??” Well, maybe they aren’t happy or just barely making it, too. Delegate, delegate, delegate!
Yes. Delegate. Our society has really developed this " manifest, will power" mantra. It's causing so many people to suffer in silence. Be around the right people. You get quality encouragement. Don't use people for dopamine hits. Choose to be around people who show they are emotionally mature.
YES. This was my thought watching this. Everyone needs a break every once in a while. And just like at a job, we can take a break when we know there is someone to pick up our work while we do. Knowing I can count on my husband to do household tasks when I can't is priceless. Help is an important part of the "infrastructure" that many people forget to build in.
I want to give you a hug, I've always been in a russian roulette of hyperfixations onto teh next thing, it isn't until now that I'm consciously deciding to keep going in certain things for this amount of time and drop others and I feel teh message of less is more
I have been kind of curating for a year now. It involved deep dives into my people pleasing so I could indeed withdraw with some relationships that were unhealthy and unreciprocated, and stepping back from commitments outside of work when they impacted my day job.
It's so freeing and beautiful. Thanks for this encouragement!
We're at very different stages of our ADHD journeys, but also struggling with the same failures at the moment, which is comforting in a way. I'm 19, and not even two years on from my diagnosis. I just realised how little infrastructure I have for a mostly barren city. Most of my buildings were built for me by society, except from my hobby skyscrapers haha. I need to build more of what I want whilst learning the correct infrastructure. I love simplifying this issue into the metaphor that you used, makes it a lot less intimidating and big! Thanks for making me and thousands of others feel less alone! :)
Oh my God, 6:50 got me. Doing things for others is definitely my biggest struggle right now while I'm trying to juggle life and get my career ramped up. Thank you SO much for always making videos that very directly address what so many of us face!
I can completely relate to having coping skills seem to suddenly stop working. I’ve thought of it like a snake growing and shedding its skin. I think that every once in a while we outgrow our skills like a snake outgrows its skin. Thank you for this video! It’s perfect timing!
This episode hit me squarely between the eyes! I’m currently in way over my head with a commitment that will end in March. I’ve made it abundantly clear that I will be stepping down at the end of my term, as it’s just plain stressing me out. My son and his wife will be having twins in April, and priorities change. This one’s a no-brainer!
Hey, I hear you. I have fear that I won’t be able to handle things so I don’t embark on them. My life is too small (really it is!) and I’m slowly learning what I can do to liven things up a bit. Being brave. Some days.
Perhaps there's a way in this annalogy to not buld more but just go camping for life to feel biger? Try some thing out without commiting?
@ thanks Owen. A good perspective for me to hang my hat on (in so many other things😊)
I have so many ideas for creative projects I'm excited about, but it's only when other people are involved that I actually get them done. Being accountable to myself can sometimes feel like trying to make it through Times Square NYE, to get to a hot dog stand 5 blocks away. And I don't even know if any hot dogs will be left by the time I get there. This is more the longterm projects.
I love that - understanding your limits and working within them, that is success!
This is one of the most important lessons I had to learn in life and am still busy implementing again and again in accordance to how my life keeps changing. It's so important to make priorities and not let yourself guide mostly by expectations from others. For some this is especially hard, since I feel like working 20-30h/week is only compatible with seeing a few friends once a few months. After trying again and again I have not yet found another workable solution that would allow for me to have a richer social life while not having to settle for no job. Some in a similar situation think I made the wrong choice but so far I'm the happiest I've ever been - and with less guilt ❤
thank you so much for this!! i’ve been having a lot of trouble at work lately post-election, when depression left me with little energy left for my detail-heavy, deadline-oriented job. i started making a lot of mistakes that my boss was annoyed with me for (helloooooo rsd!), and then bam. my mom got a cancer diagnosis and i’ve moved back home to care for her. this metaphor is so helpful, because my instinct is to work more and work harder so i can stop feeling like i’m failing at my job, but the infrastructure simply isn’t there right now. it’s been really hard, so i appreciate this discussion a lot ❤
I'm crying, I needed to hear this right now. I asked my wife recently to not allow me to go to school again because it's so overwhelming. I have been trying to go by things like "use what you have first" but it felt restrictive and yes like failing.I have felt so overwhelmed at work and with things like appoints I thought I was beyond struggling with. The infrastructure analogy paints a different picture entirely. I've felt like I needed to 'give up and simplify' my life, now I think I'm going to pause and curate. Thank you 💜
Thank you for being so vulnerable in public. Your honesty is appreciated.
Hi, I was diagnosed with ADHD three weeks ago. I am 51 year old. I has been dificult.
But what i thik it helps is minimalism.
Having less, to focus on what is more important. I think i find this concept so attractive cause i feel overwhelmed so many times.
I hope this helps.
Jessica, i love your videos.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
@@neliacamarinha9733 I was recently diagnosed with ADHD as well. While some of it seems to fit, I still don’t know if I agree. Either way, , I am going to fix it. I dont plan to make it my identity.
I think a key component is that we are living in a hyper-capitalistic society, in the US, where we are burning out on just remaining stable. I had to remind myself that having a roof over my head is great, but giving to much of myself at work drained the joy out of existing.
I started going back to uni to finish up my degree after I got diagnosed with ADHD and the whole package (depression etc), and been advised to take a break.
At first everything going smoothly, I'm listening to the lectures, taking notes, studying and more. But as time goes on the burden is building up (more work, more assignment, more projects), and I keep slowing down and it's feeding my anxiety.
I never felt more of a failure then now, since I guess I couldn't blame myself for *not* knowing what to do.
This video helps me realise I'm not alone so thank you.
5:20 you’re so real for that ❤
Oh this hit PERSONALLY 😭
I'm so glad you're figuring things out. As a parent, I strongly encourage you to run from perfectionism - it'll WRECK you. Also, the parenting industry, and especially the baby industry, will put tons of pressure on you to do and buy everything, with the threat of your child being somehow harmed if they don't have every gadget, experience, and advantage. This will also wreck you AND your kid. (for instance, you can delay swim lessons until she's older and she won't be impaired - she can learn to swim/not be afraid of the water as a gradeschooler, it's fine)
I didn’t know that I had adhd when I became a mother, but I did know that I was in some ways “sensitive” and easily tired. 2 things that really helped me were: “sleep when your baby sleeps” and peanut butter sandwiches. Yes, it will mess up your circadian rhythm, and shorter sleeps don’t have enough REM, but what’s the alternative? Also I slept with baby in my bed with me. That way I didn’t have to get up and go to him which woke me up far more so I was less likely to get back to sleep, and when he woke it was far easier to get him back to sleep quickly. Remember, your baby is very likely to be neurodiverse too and may have pronounced separation anxiety for longer than other children. What did you want from your parents when you were very little? Neurodiverse babies, for all that they are delightful in their own ways, they are also hard work. You and your husband will need to do their executive functioning for them for longer than with other kids. Luckily for your child, you’re already an expert on how to help them gain their own skills!
I really, really wish that I had known that my first child was neurodiverse, and that both his parents were neurodiverse. It would have made a huge difference to all our lives. But we didn’t know until far too late.
❤
I've been in a deep regression the last year or so, just floundering and growing increasingly depressed as I've failed harder and more consistently. Thank you for this video.
Hi Jessica, I'm new here after seeing your tedx bratislava talk. I'm 46 and I recognize a lot of things.. while my psychologist doesn't want to label it. I also experience a lot of anxiety since a few years. Greets from Belgium, Europe
This hit so close to home right down to the 7-month-old baby. I work two jobs and have been eyeballing other side hobbies. And I keep trying to tell myself to stop building, but I’m getting major fomo over the stuff that I can’t do.
I’ve been following you for awhile but this video right here, this has me in tears.
recently discovered this account like a month ago bcs i was having trouble setting a routine , being productive and just trying to set things for next year when i leave for uni. i saw everyone my age(im 17) just having things together which made me feel so behind in life, that would making my chest feel heavy and fill me up with anxious thoughts, what ifs. but it increased my procastination which made me mad at myself in a sense. your channel helps me understand myself so much better, it helped me realize how i also might have undiagnosed adhd which might come from being the parentified daughter, i genuinely thank you for sharing your knowledge and your personal struggles with us
Thank you for this. I needed to hear this. I am in adhd burnout due to exactly this and this fear of failing at life and feeling like I’m not living the life I want to live has sent my anxiety through the roof. It hadn’t occurred to me that I neither have the infrastructure and I need to stop building and that that can be ok
This resonants so much with me Jess ❤ I used to be the “yes girl” and couldn’t say no because I’d feel bad I’m letting someone down. But after many burnout moments, I realized it’s OK to say no and set boundaries. Now I’m better at recognizing when to “stop building” and focusing on what I have now. And you’re so right… I’m so much happier 😊 I love this channel and your book and the community you’ve created. Thank you 💜
I am so grateful that you have a little baby. That video was 100% on target for me and my husband ❤ We both have ADHD and we both have our baby and we bought a house. We are failing at everything and I have postpartum depression.
Thank you so much for the problem research and sharing your feelings. It felt like I am accepted and belong to this society. It felt like I am enough and there are people who understand me.
Thank you for sharing this in a very vulnerable way. I totally recognize the feeling of wanting to add more and more. I am now coming back from a burnout where I discovered only recently I have ADHD. I keep wanting to get my life "back on track", but there is no "back", since it made me unhappy and depressed+burned out, so I need to re-figure out what "my life" means to me... curating what I have sounds like a valuable approach! I will browse through your other videos to get inspiration and more importantly build more self-esteem. Thank you for being here.
I have been looking at this the wrong way, I had been struggling and this video really taught me where my life imbalance is happeening, and I was taking on more and more. I didn't realize that's why I was having issues, I already have a routine, and that keeps my life more under control, but because I had build my life on a routine, when something happens I then readjust to sometimes i'm over adjusting, and I didn't realize that was my problem. I think I can get the right adjustment into my life.
Thank you very much for this, I genuinely needed to hear this.
Just want to say I love your channel. I came across your book in the most ADHD possible. I hopped on the streetcar heading home after the gym and saw a bookstore I hadn't been to. I hopped off a half second before the doors closed and impulsively went into the book store. Your book was "How to ADHD" jumped out and I bought it. I hadn't been diagnosed yet but I had done a bunch of online tests and was about %99 sure I had ADHD. So I impulsively bought the book. So far I only read it in bits and pieces, very ADHD style, for the parts that are useful. I love it and I love your channel. Keep up the great work 👍
This spoke with me so much. I have a new job, 2 young boys, and a house and not exactly coping well. I’m currently working on appreciating the things I have, but I still find myself in that habit of buying new things to try to and make my brain happy. It’s a patch that doesn’t fill the hole, it just rips off a short time later. While it sucks that you’re experiencing the same thing, I’m happy to hear it’s not just me. I will definitely spend some time thinking about how to apply these strategies to my own life. Reducing only works when you have things you’re able to reduce, but considering things like infrastructure isn’t something I’d thought of.
In terms of how I make life fulfilling, I’m finding joy in my kids growth, precious time spent with them and my wife, and knowing that my job is making a difference in my kids future. I can’t do everything, but my kids will always remember Dad was there, even if he wasn’t always capable of participating 100% of the time or in the best mental/emotional state while doing so. Knowing that my kids are becoming good people is also deeply fulfilling.
I find this framing very helpful and relevant.
Hang in there friend, this is a season in life. You’ll get through this!
Please talk more about this I feel like this came in at the right time
Talk about perfect timing!! Earlier today, I asked my 19 yr old if they thought I should take a class next semester. (I've been working towards a bachelor degree. Spring semester was a bear, so I took off this semester to be more involved with the 16-yr-old's activities.)
This video clarified the choices I have. Do less, be present, be happier OR do more, be stressed, be moody, grumpy and tired. In 18 months they'll both be gone to college and I can resume then.
It's no failure if I'm making stronger connections with my kids. This video was great!!
Earlier this year I decided my three priorities in life are my career, my wellness, and my marriage. That’s really helped me figure out what to say no to and and where I need to shore up to support those three things!! My spouse and I have non negotiable scheduled date night every week. Having that evening together is one of the best things we’ve done to support our relationship!
Thank you so much! I was just sitting here feeling like a failure and saw your message. It changed my day.
Thank you. Just what I needed to hear today. I woke up this morning with the persistent thought/feeling that I was a burden and your video was the first thing that popped up when I opened up TH-cam.
I needed this so much right now, after spending lots of time in a hung up state of my expectations of myself. Thank you ❤
More more more more more, new new new new sounds like your ADHD wants a constant dopamine hit. When I feel like that, most of the time I'm able to reign it in, it took a fair bit of self-analysis which is difficult to start, so keep at it as it really does help.
I have never felt more seen and understood. Thank you for doing this video. ❤
Respecting my own limits and practicing saying no in the moment even when it's awarded and makes me feel bad. Just those two things have absolutely changed my stress leaves and my resentment toward others. It changed my relationships and allowed me to enjoy life more.