Especially after a history of abuse. It's taken me 3 years (with therapy!) to finally be able to voice my needs to my fiance. It feels amazing but omg the anxiety almost makes it feel not worth it!
I appreciate how unapologetically uncomfortable this is. It really shows what real honest relationship work is. There are too few good examples of people leading healthy relationships online, so thank you for this. Neither of you are jerks for having needs. :)
That's what I found too. I have ADHD, some traits of autism, and at least two chronic illnesses, and by my partner letting me chose what works for me, it helps a lot. Although I still struggle with expectations, especially when I can't live up to my own expectations I set for myself.
Never seen her partner before but you can tell this was incredibly challenging for him but the academic in him sees the benefit so he did this for us even tho it was way out of his comfort zone. mad props dude
Also audhd here. After my diagnosis, my nt husband (of 20 years) and I started having problems as I was unmasking. We ended up seeing a communication coach who specialises in nd/nt communication. It saved our marriage. Leaving this comment so others can know they’re not alone, it can happen to anyone, and it’s not hopeless.
MAN, that line, "You gave me no way to fail," it really hit hard for me. Thank you so much for the honest and frank conversation; I'm so happy your second try at being together is working well!
Saaaamee! I have ADHD but for me I really get this if someone tells me both WHEN and/or HOW they want something done. It just triggers some deep insecurity and resistance in me and I can't stand it. Like, I'll do it, but not with you breathing over my neck and judging me.
My husband and I have slept separately for years. I'm not yet 40. It works really well for us, we make sure we are affectionate in other ways (I am fun affectionate but have specific touch stuff that I need acknowledging, he has different tactile needs to me, we work it out) and we both sleep better. He had serious sleep issues and it was awful to see him struggle with them. This works for us. Do not feel weird for sleeping separately! It's not always a good thing to make yourselves share a bed!!
That was advice from two people I respected, before I got married: they just... had their own rooms. Spent time together when they wanted, then went to their own rooms to do their own thing. MANY years later, my wife was way too tired of my fidgeting, and I was tired of trying to sleep through the TV being on past midnight. We got a day bed (I'm short), and I sleep MUCH better at night in a room just down the hall. Indeed, what @Michaela said - don't feel weird about sleeping separately.
My Partner and I have been together for 8 years and have slept separately for the last 4 since our little girl was born, simply because One of the 2 kids were always sick and I had to sit up at the night so they could breathe or manage their symptoms . Now we work and get up at different times and it's easier to sleep in different places
Yes! Even before I got my narcolepsy diagnosis, I have Tourette's so I roll like a rotisserie chicken and sleep deprivation would not make our relationship "more romantic."
It's really a shame that so many people think sleeping separately is inappropriate for a couple. My loved one and myself do so for eight years now (snoring, problems getting to sleep...) and our relationship has only gotten better!
I love how he didn't correct her saying "It's a coin he termed" the first time, but 4th wall smiles at us, knowing most of us caught it. I can hear how fast her brain is flying and nervous, and how he slows down and paces to balance it out. Typical relationships are hard, neurotypical is harder. I'm glad they tried again and are open to the fact that it may not work long term, but are willing to do the work.
I really appreciate this video. I especially appreciate the discussion on touch. I have been in a relationship with my wife for over a decade, and just this year we had a conversation where we learned that while we share the love language of touch, we have entirely different dialects. She has a lot more positive feelings around steady contact, where I am touching her and not moving, where I get much more out of moving contact. An example of how we figured out to give each other a better hug: I hold her and don't move my hands on her back, and she pets my back while we hug. It's been very difficult to learn/accept/remember that the way I enjoy being touched is different from how she enjoys being touched (I sometimes have to count to thirty in my head cuz I won't stay still otherwise), and it's so fulfilling to be told that how I held her felt really good. This got super personal and sharey, and I'm a little embarrassed posting this. And, if one person sees this and it sparks a conversation that betters their relationship, I'll be happy!
I didn’t even realize that was a thing! Thinking about it, I definitely appreciate a steady, constant touch but I’m not sure what my husband prefers. I tend to mirror him with what he does since I assume that’s what he likes, but it feels kinda awkward sometimes and it would definitely help if I just asked him what he wants! We are both neurodivergent and it’s these kind of things that I just don’t think to ask about even though it would probably help immensely
@@safiracalhoun1475 Huzzah! I'm so glad I'm not alone in this haha While I'm a little frustrated when I find another thing that is core to my relationship with my wife but we've never talked about it, it's really lovely to be able to have those talks, even when they feel uncomfortable or awkward.
Omgsh thanks for sharing this.... I never thought about touch 'dialects' .. I get irritated with small quick movements and like steady still touch as well... Thanks for giving me the language to communicate this in the future!
Thank you Dr B for hanging out with us ADHDers! I dated a girl who is autistic and as her mask slipped it was a very difficult relationship and we broke up several times. Of course she must have blamed herself. After a long break up she told me she is autistic and she promised to "try harder to be normal". It was only then that I understood and told her to stop trying and just be her. I'll learn her. I don't understand autism but I understand her. I can see when she's stressed, and when things are difficult for her.
As an autistic person… yes, we have the need to be authentically ourselves as much as anyone else. As much as other neurotypicals commend you or might even expect me to thank you here - she’s been through a lot because of you and has made a lot of allowances for you, too. Continually breaking up and getting back together is even harder for autistic people; not only is it a jarring change of routine, but it constantly brings up these questions of whether or not we’re even worthy of love by neurotypical standards, and if we’ll ever find a love we see as meaningful. Here’s hoping that you both can find inner peace and comfort in your communication with one another. I’m happy for both of you and want your relationship to work out. Please just recognize that your neurotypical worldview and expectations carry a LOT of privilege along with them.
@@emilysmith2965 > your neurotypical worldview and expectations You missed something in my comment above, I have ADHD, which of course makes this video special for me.
I had a similar thing happen with my last relationship except I didn't understand that I had autism at that time. In fact our breakup was the push that helped me to look into getting an assessment, as I realised there was something wrong with me.
I relate a lot to him saying that he knows certain scripts but having difficulties with a novel authentic response in real time that meets my and someone else’s needs is SO relatable. That’s definitely something I struggle with communicating my feelings and that response that someone else is expecting
Same! Also him saying he's great at recognizing patterns and mimicking. I feel like I usually fall back to the script and mimicking the tone/sentiment of the person I'm responding to. However, I'm still only really able to do that in writing bc it takes so much thought to "get it right".
As someone who is not yet diagnosed, but identifies strongly with the descriptions of both autism and ADHD, I absolutely relate to this: “What were your expectations?” “That you’d stick around.”
I just want to say as someone who has known I'm ADHD for a long time but only recently learned I'm autistic, the "U-shaped" language he used really hit home. In the past I've described my process through a series of "impressions". That is, I make good first impressions, bad "second" impressions, and good "third" impressions. In this context, impressions aren't literally the first, second, and third time I meet someone, but rather stages in our relationship (whether romantic or otherwise). I make good first impressions because I think I'm kind of funny, I've had jobs and opportunities that people find interesting, etc. But once the script runs out, as he said, it falls apart a bit. The mask slips a little and people fall away. That's the "second" impression. The third impression is only experienced by those who stick around long enough for my quirks to become endearing. My fraternity brothers stuck around because they "had" to. My family stuck around for the same reason. And sometimes I'll have the rare random person who manages it somehow or another. Those who have stuck around long enough for stage III see me fairly unfiltered and, generally speaking, like what they see. They end up being some of the closest people in my life, but the process of repeatedly striking out at work and in personal life hurts a lot.
Thanks for your reply! I wasn't sure exactly what he meant by that. Your description makes so much sense. Thanks for being open and sharing your experience.
Thank you for this comment. I think my partner and I are in their stage 2 and this comment and the U shape analogy has been really reliving and clarifying as I've been incredible confused and disoriented.
@@valq10 It definitely is partly just a male thing. I can only speak to my own lived experience, but I do think that my ADHD plays a part. Not only do I not feel like I'm supposed to need anything, the way my ADHD manifests I frequently don't feel / realize there IS something I need.
@@valq10 I personally think it’s a gender expectation thing for guys. A lot a young boys are told or shown by their father and/or other male role models that they need to be providers when they grow up to be valuable (Especially if these kids come from a blue-collar/working class backgrounds). A lot of that type of thinking can be so ingrained that when these boys grow up, they will put their physical and emotional needs aside in order to fill that role as a provider. ADHD or Autism could probably add fuel to that fire, since those men might perceive their neurodivergence as a handicap which can make them try even harder to fill that provider role while neglecting more of those needs. Or, at least, that’s how it can feel at times coming from a man with ADHD.
@@valq10 For me, as a female who has felt this way (and I still sort of feel this way) it was my Catholic background and the way I was parented. The moment he said he was raised a Catholic I cackled, lol. He didn't have to explain why or how.
"What were your expectations?" "That you stick around" It's so true and so funny at the same time. I can relate to some of his words, I have combined adhd and also haven't been treated very good by past partners. And i feel the same, I just hope to find someone who sticks around.
He is not a jerk. We do things for our partners. This sounds like a loving relationship that has neurodivergent struggles. Thank you for sharing that these are ok and can be accommodated. ❤
I really appreciate Raffael's mental fortitude in refraining himself from calling you out for saying relationship accommodations is the "coin that he termed" 🤣 (around 00:54) - He noticed, yet stopped himself. That is true love 😂🥰
I agree with you both! I have currently latched on to the idea that couples may actually do much better with separate bedrooms for situations like this. There are definitely times that a couple want to share a room, but I think it’s absurd to completely throw out the idea of personal space…
Agreed! He's definitely not a jerk. It's super important for everyone to know their needs are important and to not be afraid of expressing them, especially in a romantic relationship.
My husband and I have been in a relationship for nearly 10 years (married for 7) and we’re still going strong. I have ADHD and he has ADHD/Aspergers. The biggest thing that has helped us is communication. I’ve had to learn how to give honest, gentle and quick feedback about my needs, which is especially important to him since he has difficulty picking up on subtle hints. I like getting feedback from him as well so I can help him not feel so overwhelmed by things
Yes!!! Communication is literally what me and my spouse are working on now. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and communicating/being more open has helped a lot. I wish you and your husband a happy life :)
Thanks for sharing. Only recently having learned my son has the same combination of ADHD and high functioning Autism. It's how i ended up learning that i have ADHD. Your comments will help us, particularly me, in how i approach things to build a strong father/son relationship. Thanks for sharing.
"How did you learn how to take up space?" Excellent question. Spending time alone taught me what I really enjoy and need, then in social settings, when I feel myself missing those things, I try not to judge myself for wanting them. I am getting better at recognizing when I am silencing myself or making myself seem small. I think that's the first step, recognizing you are making yourself uncomfortable with the restraint.
I agree! Something I've learned is to pick up on my own nonverbal cues. If I'm holding something (a finger, papers, pen, etc) to my lips, it's a silencing gesture. For me, more often than not that's actually good because I've had to learn to give more space to others more than take up space myself, and it's a really clear example. Postural cues are mostly how I catch how I'm feeling in a conversation (crossed arms mean I'm feeling defensive and not listening, for example). It's been really important for me to be able to notice such things because I often have trouble recognizing and engaging with my own feelings otherwise.
I'm still learning to take up space. Between filling a caregiver role for my siblings as a teen and having a couple relationships that were unhealthy and wore me down, it became my default to just disappear or make myself unnoticeable.
@@conorbrennan6298 LOL This is me exactly!! Tips of my fingers to my lips to stop myself from (once again) interrupting and talking over someone in a conversation. When I notice my crossed arms, I mentally check for relaxed hands or balled fists. If it's the latter I'll consciously relax my clenched hands, posture and mind and think to myself, "I'm listening with an open mind." or "Don't judge."
Neurodivergent relationship tip: When I'm saying goodbye to my friends or expressing sympathy or something, I've learned to offer different touch AND non-touch options at the same time, with equal enthusiasm. I go, "This was so fun! Do you want a fist bump or a hug or neither?" I've found that a lot of people, neurodivergent or not, have different touch comfort levels depending on the moment and the day. Sometimes someone really appreciates the thought that I would hug them, but they don't actually want the physical touch. Etc.
So true! I’m absolutely a hugger, physical touch is one of my biggest love languages, but when I’m overwhelmed with emotion, I CANNOT be touched. It physically hurts. Usually being with friends makes me happy, so hugs are great, but if we’re talking about someone I see every day or close to… they’re likely to see me at times when I need space.
My wife and I are both neurodivergent in so many ways that overlap in some areas and diverge in others. Something that helps us is that we talk and message everything that we learn about ourselves to each other. When either of us is overstimmed we communicate that. Having that constant stream of "I got overwhelmed there," and "I had a rough day, can you bring me a treat on ur way home?" has really helped us. we know that we'll always be able to express ourselves, in person or via text, and the other will listen.
I am a special education teacher who just discovered that I am looking at it from the inside, not the outside. After realizing myself that I was pretty sure I had ADHD, spending months on a waiting list, and then finally being being assessed in October, I was diagnosed in November. In that time frame, I met my now fiancé and we’re both learning to navigate this whole process together. Funny enough, a total ADHD story about how I lost my flashlight and so I bought SIX mini flashlights and a big one so I could put them in every room in my house, was the first thing that made him think, “huh, she’s kind of weird, I like it.” 😂
ADHD was a chapter in our Sped book. That was when I truly realized I had ADHD and got diagnosed. Like lots have said, just being diagnosed was a relief and such joy! I'm still working on getting meds squared away. I was in my niche until they told me I had to do just the paperwork, with no overtime allowed, and let someone who only had a high school diploma work with the kids. What fun is that?! Now I just homestead and volunteer. I'm thinking of starting classes on homesteading topics in my home. Guess I can't get over that teacher gene in our family!
I read this to my husband. John; "how is this not the obvious answer?" Me: burst out laughing. J; same question Me; burst out laughing again. I said 'maybe you have ADHD'. His response; Maybe a little ...
As a neurodivergent person married to a neurodivergent person raising neurodivergent kids... There's a lot of different brains with different needs in our family. I really loved this video. I think the biggest thing I have learned over nearly 16 years of marriage & parenting in a neurodiverse family is that the conversations are ever evolving & ongoing as we each learn more about ourselves & each other & are impacted in different ways by lived experiences.
It is really lovely to hear this. My parents are both neurodivergent in different ways (I think) but they refuse to get tested or diagnosed and their strategy for getting through life which has gotten them this far is to white-knuckle it and yell at my sister and I when we aren't able to do that. I love that your strategy for raising your kids is having conversations and when the old conversation is no longer working having new ones.
Burst out laughing at the “I grew up Catholic” Too real. 😂 Really love hearing from Dr. B. He’s very thoughtful and insightful. I look forward to sharing this with my own partner and discussing together! We’ve been together over 11 years. He’s autistic and has ADHD and I have ADHD so this feels especially relevant and thought provoking. ❤
More, pleeeeeeeeease!! I don’t think there’s enough of this content in any form, and I believe there is a HUGE need for it-in relationships, in general! Thank you for doing this! It gave me perspective in my relationship! xoxo! ❤
Something you brushed upon was the fact of being ADHD and being a romantic, and with that having unrealistically high expectations. I have that with everything, even life goals. How do you manage that and figure out which expectations ARE realistic? How do you come up with realistic expectations when none of your current ones are, without feeling disappointed or like you’re settling?
Not sure if this helps, this helps mainly deal with the ambition in life and job Part. Achieving something great (as in famous and wows other people) is: Step 1. Have the skillset Step 2. Get Lucky. Only some people get Lucky and it's only a few. You can't do anything about 2. Even if you have 1. Having the skillset will still let you achieve good things in life more or less reliably but becoming the next big thing is like 95% luck even if you have the skillset.
I haven't yet applied this to relationships, but I have adjusted expectations in other areas by focusing on the process, rather than the result. For example, rather than I will live in a clean and tidy home, I say I will clean my house for an hour on Saturday. I can get the result, or closer to the result I want, without feeling impossibly overwhelmed.
@@angelawright6202that's a nice one. I will try to, because I become often overwhelmed with tasks and failing doing it anyways because of my unrealistic expectations towards myself. Sometimes I think this comes from being quite smart but not being able how I figured out intellectually in my head (overthinking) I should be. I'm just realising how much I have build up a "way the world should be" because of masking, that is totally out of proportion. Maybe because it was to a large part built from a child, feeling different, having problems socialising and seeking ways to connect with other people. I always feel things are my "fault" Focus on the doing jnstead of possible failure in the form of an outcome sounds like a strategy worth trying ❤ Thanks
I have ADHD and my partner is AuDHD, and this is our THIRD time dating. And this time is going so much better. It really did have a lot to do with expectations, accommodations and being understanding of our differences. He's told me I've made him feel safe to express feelings and ask to have his needs met, after he (like your partner) has been made to feel like he shouldn't take up space. We've had those moments where I offered an accommodation (for example: I can drive down and we don't even have to talk, we can just parallel play) and he was so relieved that he cried. It's been so amazing to give him the space he needs to breathe, and relax the unrealistic expectations.
Oh, and the love letter part really hit home. He has taken WAY too long to get me a gift, and it made me feel unloved. In reality, he was trying to find the PERFECT gift, and didn't want to settle for less.
I'm AuDHD and I drive my husband nuts with the paradox that happens when in some areas, I am like Jessica and others like Dr. B hahaha! I don't know what that would mean for someone like me
…wow. I see myself in Dr B. I’ve been watching this channel for years and this video hit me the hardest. I finally feel like I belong in this community. I don’t have typical ADHD, not even typical ADHD for girls. I think I’m masking at such a high level that I mask for myself. Dr B mentioning “alexithymia” made me tear up. I relate so much to everything he said, this finally give some hope for dating and finding a partner. I’m also really into psychology and that makes me feel dumb that I can’t recognize my own issues. I wonder if Dr B has felt the same frustration. Thanks to you both, for the first time, I feel like I’m finally starting to understand my ADHD after years of not feeling like I belong here. Edit: “i can’t tap into feeling on command” we stan Dr B lol
I can't say any better what you said, so I'll just say "me, too". The fact that he was able to say--out loud and on camera in front of his significant other unapologetically--what goes through my head on the regular was so disarming.
Don't feel bad, I have had adhd diagnosed at childhood and my partner works in mental health. Even still, she only got diagnosed with autism and adhd this month. It's often harder to see psych things when they are right in front of you.
I think a lot of success in a neurodivergent relationship also is tied to unlearning whatever ideas of success our neurotypical society has placed in our heads as an ideal. Being able to embrace that our relationship can look different and that’s not a sign or failure or a problem has been really helpful to actually allowing us to enjoy who we are together. A lot of things we’ve been expected to see as Correct and Ideal are untrue, unrealistic and misleading. It’s freeing to break through that and find where you are both happy and most yourself.
I have rarely felt more autistic than listening to him describe how he processes romantic relationships. This is so familiar and it is so wild to hear people talking about neurodivergent relationships. This definitely needs to be a conversation the world has more.
@@Coffeeismylifeblood idk what you mean by turtle eagle, but as far as what I was saying, I simply meant that the way he describes how he processes emotion and responsibility and the interpersonal bond in the relationship is very akin to how I process and experience those things as an autistic person in a relationship.
God I relate to this dude's experience so much. I have literally no expectations from my relationships except "don't treat me badly." I also experience it being hard to know if I'm upset about something until quite a long time afterwards.
6:15 “it’s hard to not interpret things the way that it would mean if _you_ did it” DAMN. That little golden nugget is a keeper. Filing that away for later use, wow.
Awww the love letter story is so cute. He went out and bought a calligraphy pen so he could write the most beautiful love letter. You can tell he has strong feelings for her even though he might struggle to express them. It's precious that he puts so much effort into keeping her happy. It's interesting that neurodivergent people can (or have to) work harder than most neurotypicals while still falling short of expectations. It's such a beautiful thing when we find a friend or romantic partner that recognizes and appreciates our efforts and our "abnormal" way of going about relationships.
My wife and I both have ADHD and this discussion was uncanny in terms of how we related to you two. The line about touch and communicating the need in terms like "can you provide touch however you feel comfortable?" Hit me hard, I verbally said "that's a game changer" as he said "that was a godsend" and had to pause the video to settle down lol. We ended up watching the video together and were able to have a fantastic talk about things we do, things we've experienced in the past and how to communicate expectations. This was a fantastic video, thank you two so much for making this!
Being an ADHD person in a relationship with an autistic person, this is extremely helpful for us, to see these issues, specifically around communication llaid out like this and learn from them! Thank you for posting, I would love to see more content like this!
Also, weird as this is, I just realized that one of the main sources for a paper I wrote about neurodiversity in the workplace is an article that heavily features Dr. B. Writing that article led me to finding out more about ADHD, finding this channel, and discovering that I am neurospicy. Thank you both for using your unique brains to help others learn how to work with their brains instead of against them.
I love using Neurospicy! Sometimes I say how picante (spicy) I'm feeling at a given moment as it relates to fogginess or how scattered I am, how much capacity I have, etc. "Such spice!" is a thing my ADHD nephew and I (AudiHD) say to each other 😊
LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!! • He is definitely NOT a jerk. • The moment he touches your leg with one finger. ❤️ • It would be cool to see an episode with Mom on the Spectrum and her husband. He’s neurotypical and she has autism and maybe ADHD. They did an episode together also. Thank you both for doing this episode. It gives me joy! ❤️🤗😃
He is just the absolute sweetest. MAJOR props for being so honest and vulnerable. It was very refreshing and it must feel AMAZING to have that mutual respect for each partners neurodivergence. I love how there's a still such a diverse range of personality traits even in the neurodivergent community. I love how he's the yin to your yang! Thanks for this open and honest and important conversation 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
The thing about the mask slowly starting to come off and causing growing pains in a neurodivergent relationship is so real. My husband and I met when I was a part of a uniquely broken-in social group and he saw me navigating that situation with apparent ease and thought that I was a social butterfly. He’s shy himself, but figured that my personality would act as a social conduit for him. Little did he know that I was just a raw nerve of social anxiety wrapped up in rejection sensitivity and performative extroversion. Actually, his subdued vibes gave me permission to not mask as hard as I typically do and was one of the reasons I fell for him. Being with him felt safe and calm, unlike most other social situations. But when he discovered how hard I avoided new social settings he was like “who even are you? Where’s the bubbly, vivacious girl from that old comfortable friend group?” And it was a transition 😂 Anyway, we laugh about it now! Luckily!
My wife and I are both ADHD/autistic, but in very different ways. The first four years of our relationship I worked on not managing her emotions (a skill I had learned as a child) and she worked on being able to tell me her feelings even though I am the less able of us two (I'm disabled and have less brain ability). In these past two years we've worked on being able to keep talking when one of us is in a meltdown/close to a meltdown, as well as embracing the high and low tides of spending time together/giving each other attention. Would love a series on communication between neurodivergent partners, but don't stress too much about it - if it would hurt your two's relationship then don't do it. Thanks sooo much for sharing.
Why keep talking when one of you is melting down? Surely they're not in a state to communicate in a way that's constructive. Can't they take a break and come back later?
It is so hard to keep communicating through a meltdown. My partner is neurotypical but very understanding, and I feel so guilty when I have to stop the conversation because my brain cannot process further and I've shut down. And we've learned that coming back to it doesn't work because I forgot to bring it up again later.
@@lizzieboredom92 Could he bring it up again later? You can establish a day each week to talk, giving him a time to bring up things that still need to be addressed.
I'm AuADHD, and I also have PTSD and an anxiety disorder, and my husband is neurotypical. I think one of the things that really helped us is me realizing, with the help of my therapist, that a relationship is not a 1-to-1 transaction. If I need him to remind me to do more things than he needs me to remind him to do, and if I need help with panic attacks even if he doesn't, that's okay. We love each other, we make each other happy, and so we're going to make this work.
Thank you; I needed this 😭 also AuDHD with a trauma background and my husband does so much for me… I feel so guilty about it sometimes, especially now that we have a baby, but he’s promised to and proven that he’ll ask for extra help when he needs/wants it.
@@LimegreenSnowstorm I'm glad you've found your husband and that you're working things out, and that my comment helped you! Guilt can be really hard sometimes, but my husband is always super insistent that he loves me a lot and enjoys spending time with me, and that plus reframing my relationships as something other than one-to-one transactions really helped - I hope it can help you, too!
It is not being a jerk to have basic needs met, particularly concerning sleep. I would add, though, sometimes offer to take the couch, reassuring her you absolutely don't mind. Take turns taking the couch. I agree with another comment: thank you for doing this video, even if it felt awkward. Bravery isn't the absence of fear, it's doing what needs done even if you're scared or uncomfortable. You both saw a video like this was needed, and you stepped up. Thank you. I wish you both every happiness! 💜
My partner & I tried for yeeeeaaars to sleep in the same bed, with him inevitably sleeping on the couch most nights anyway, due to our incompatible sleep habits, (very much like these two described). A couple of times I slept on the couch, but he would usually insist since I'm the autistic one & it was just easier for him to do it. We went through 4 beds trying to find one that worked for both of us. Until I finally worked up the courage to propose we get separate beds. It took a day or two for him to see the logic in the idea, because even though he was resistant to not being within arms reach of one another at night, as it stood we weren't even spending most nights in the same room. Now we can at least sleep in the same space, if not in the same bed.
Thank you for this video! I have ADHD and my husband has both ADHD and autism. It is hard to believe, but he managed to mask for our first 8 years of marriage. He had been masking his entire life, and two years ago the mask came off. I am so glad it did! I have loved getting to know him on a deeper, more honest level. I’m grateful to everyone who is willing to have conversations like these. Thank you, thank you! PS… I’m watched this video after moving to the couch because my RLS was really bad and I wanted my husband to be able to sleep 🤪
Thank you for this!!! I’m 41 & have only known about my ADHD for a little over a year now. My husband is almost 50 & we’re just now learning he’s autistic. We’ve been together almost 18 years & we’ve always had a communication issue in certain areas of our lives. We used to think it was because of different reasons, but now we know it’s the way our brains work. This would be so very helpful as a series to help couples like us!!
I’m just getting out of a long term relationship where I was told over and over that he didn’t even believe adhd was real (I have ADHD), even after I tried to share with him about it and my struggles. Its so nice to witness a relationship like yours where you take each other’s neurodivergence seriously!
Ugh I'm sorry you experienced that. I hope you are able to surround yourself with people who don't gaslight or disbelieve you. He's wrong. It's real, and hard. Harder if you're having to constantly prove yourself. Congrats on leaving that behind!
Just the way you are able to express yourself and have outbursts and interject in conversations because you're so engaged without being punished by your partner, as an ADHD person, is the ABSOLUTE most accommodation I could ever ask for. I am interested. I am involved. I am not trying to talk over you. It is an amazing thing to meet someone who has the patience to let you relax and just be with them. Masking wears you down.
This video is exactly what I’ve been looking for! My relationship sounds so similar to you two. My boyfriend of 3 years and I are planning a break because as an ADHDer I routinely overwhelm him emotionally-he needs a lot of space/alone time to process and it’s hard to not personalize that as rejection. We are trying to figure this out. I would LOVE more content like this, please! Thank you both. So helpful!
100% not the jerk!! My husband has PTSD and I have ADHD sometimes between the insomnia and night terrors sleeping together is not an option. We have learned to adapt and try our best to understand the other person's needs. The little poke was so cute.
First up, Raffael, you're not a jerk and you deserve to be able to sleep. Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking part in this video; it must have been hard work to be so publicly vulnerable. It's been so, so helpful to me 💜 (And thank you to Jessica too, obviously!) And to both of you: oh my gosh, my head is exploding with connections and recognition! I got my ADHD diagnosis 18 months ago, in my 40s, and my husband is neurotypical; we've been together 13 years, the first 2 years long-distance. Seeing some of the issues in my own relationship spelled out so explicitly is a bit of a revelation - I didn't realise some of these things even are issues until you mentioned them. I absolutely experience time differently to my partner. I've spent a lot of time in therapy so I'm sometimes more in touch than he is with how I'm feeling and how to manage those feelings; it didn't occur to me that he might need time and space to catch up. Equally, 40-odd years of masking and being told I'm a defective human sometimes gives me a warped view of what's actually going on and I don't always know how I feel. I have so many things to journal about and (mentally) chew on! PS Raffael, I learned to take up space by (a) reading a lot of Captain Awkward, and (b) fake it til you make it. That might not be very useful for you, sorry!
When he said "Your overt gestures of accommodating me can be overwhelming at times" But obviously in a good way, I felt that. My current partner is the most generous, kindest, flexible, understanding, and commicative person I've ever encountered. He is honest and open with me about his needs and wants and boundaries and his capabilities to help me, and I'm equally open with him. As a result, both of us feel supported, but it can also somewhat be overwhelming cuz it's like wow I've never been treated this well before. But it's a good kind of overwhelming in that it's helping me and him heal from our past relationships and traumas. Edit, context: I'm AuDHD with BPD, and my partner struggles with severe chronic depression. Both of us Make accommodations for the other, and I genuinely think that a lot of that comes from both of us struggling and hurting while trying to connect with people who are not neurodivergent and cannot understand the impacts that our struggles can have in our daily lives and in our relationships.
17:25 Dr B, do NOT feel bad about prioritizing your sleep - you are not being selfish! Sleep is vital for the physical and mental health of BOTH people in a relationship! There is so much societal stigma about not sharing a bed, which is hard to deal with, but the guilt and resentment and stress of not being able to sleep takes a huge toll on a relationship, and that is worse. The one thing I'd recommend is that you take turns with who sleeps in the bed, and that you are united and honest about it when you're on vacation with other people or staying at someone's house. You both need to be able to sleep!
3:21 the “alright you’re a psychologist😅” comment just cut directly into my adhd soul❤ I love that there are people like me out there who also sometimes forget important things about important people when “in the moment”, and I love you for sharing it publicly. I often forget what my best friend’s name is, and growing up my wonderful adhd mom called me every other name than mine (incl but not limited to: my dad’s, my aunt’s, and our dog’s name). This is just how some of us function, and you sharing this made me feel incredibly seen. Thank you ❤
‘At interviews and dates we are our best selves’. Standard statement and viewpoint and as you said it, I really felt the embedded neurotypical weighted expectation of it. Those aren’t our best selves, those are our best conformings to neurotypical society’s expectations. Our best masks. As always thank you for your inight, wisdoms, sharing. 💜🧠
I have been married for 15 years and aware of my neurodivergence for 3 months. I’ll say the last 3 months have been the best so far. Thanks to therapy and patience I am learning to communicate a lot better. This video was beautiful and I appreciate you both for making it!
Oof, I felt that! I love Jess, but one of the reasons I think I am AuDHD not ADHD is that I am blown away by how emotionally open she, and many commenters on this channel, seem to be. Over-the top emotions I have. The ability to understand my own emotions, let alone others', I do NOT have. In the end, my inability to support and reciprocate properly is the thing in my life makes me feel like the biggest failure.
First, I want to disclaim that I don't intend this as a commentary on your AuDHD vs ADHD reasoning. For context, I am AuDHD myself. Okay, the thought most of your comment pinged in my brain: I've found, through several years of therapy, that being emotional open & better able to understand personal emotions seems to be a learned skill. Or al least can be learned as a skill if pre-existing aptitude wasn't the best? So it could be the case in part that no-one ever helped you develop the skill, or like, no-one taught the skill in a way that made sense because they were teaching in NT/allistic.
I feel like I just need to add that, for many of us who never learned how to express feelings in person, or don't feel comfortable in person with it, that chatting with strangers online is far easier to do. I'm almost glad that Medicaid here doesn't cover therapy (unless you're a drug addict), because then I'd feel like I had to go and talk to someone in person to just get judged like I have been by everyone in my life (even perfect strangers). I'm so uncomfortable with my own feelings, that I can only feel them in the privacy of my own house, by myself. Soon as the phone rings, soon as I have to go anywhere, I have to hit the switch to turn off my feelings because I'm not allowed to feel anything but neutral or happy when talking to or around anyone else. I get shamed for it, sent away and ignored until I "improve my attitude." Off course, sometimes I let it out just so I can be left alone.
@@eleanoreliz also AuDHD and I agree. I personally am able to identify my own emotions and talk about them as long as I am in control of my emotions. Once I'm in a meltdown, I can still identify but I cannot communicate it. I can also identify other's emotions a lot of the time assuming there's patterns I can pick up on. Therapy has greatly helped with this. I've also been reading a lot on child development a lot and I am seeing a pattern where if a child's emotional regulation and limbic system are taken care of very well, especially after birth, they're more likely to have better control and communication over their emotions later in life. So something to think about.
Please don't judge your abilities against the lense of what you percieve to be the abilities of others. Everyone has their own strengths and their own limitations. Every person has value and is important. My brother and sister once had a fight that ended up in them not speaking for months, about whether a cat or a dog is "better". You can't compare the worth of a cat and a dog because they have integral differences in their make up. So do individual people. I am sure that you have many wonderful qualities: don't inflate the things you lack at the cost of the things you have.
I usually scratch my head in confusion reading comments sections on videos like this because half the people are talking about how the video made them cry because they can relate to it so much. YT videos have helped me recognize and better understand my AuDHD and some have resonated with me more than others, but they've never made me emotional. I'm not sure if it's because it's in my nature to be passionate but not compassionate, or if it's because after decades of wondering what the explanation was for why I'm so different from everyone I know the emotional stakes are just drained from it - like completing a marathon too exhausted to feel any excitement.
Seeing how she sits differently on the chair every 20 seconds and how he sit still really shows the complexity of this kind of relationship, thank you so much for making this video.
This video brought me to tears. Many of the situations you described are almost identical to things my husband and I have gone through together. I had labelled him uncaring, unloving, a jerk...when he was just living in a world not designed for him. I wasn't giving him what he needed to give me what I needed.
It takes a whole lot of courage to be honest with yourself like that. I'm glad you've made these realizations & I hope the best for the two of you going forward ✨️
I learned to take up space, slowly and with a lot of support and affirmation of those around me. Also, spending time with confident people helped a lot with my own confidence!! I've got AuDHD and it's hard. I hope your foot feels better soon, and thanks for sharing your perspectives. My significant other and I broke up for around a year and went to therapy and we've been going strong for a few years now. I'm glad y'all found each other again and decided to give it another shot. Love is fantastic. 💞
"Also, spending time with confident people helped a lot with my own confidence!" Confidence is a tricky thing. A lot of very confident people shouldn't be confident because they're actually lousy people with limited ability; they're confident because they're full of themselves. It's Dunning-Krueger meets charisma. For me, it was a simple idea, yet something I imagine is very hard to find: someone who will give you encouragement and constructive feedback. Best boss I had was the one that did that and helped me grow as a person. Most bosses only know how to praise but not how to give constructive feedback, or only know how to criticize without being any good at praise. It doesn't have to be a boss - could be a family member or friend or maybe even a partner. Self-awareness and confidence are a tricky balance. I've very confident about the things I know I'm good at. Unlike some of my peers, I don't think I've ever had to deal with imposter syndrome. However, I also know I'm not very good at most other things, so I'm only confident about a limited range of things. I have an odd kind of confidence talking about myself. I feel confident talking about it because it's one of the subjects I know very well. I've always been casually honest (ASD), but over the years I've also become aware how this casual honesty often makes people uncomfortable or they simply don't care. For example, how many people will actually read this comment? And sometimes it just doesn't occur to me to express something I'm thinking that other people would express, but I wont hesitate to talk about if asked.
I learned to take up space by literally telling myself "you are allowed to take up space!" It's good to remember that I want to be kind to people, and also *I'm* people too. Excellent video, I'm definitely sending this to my partner.
I was also raised Catholic, have an anxiety disorder that wasn't diagnosed until college, and was socialized female, so learning to take up space was, and still is, difficult for me. Some of the things that helped me were a) actively unpacking what beliefs I was taught AND what would be true if those beliefs were false, b) teaching students who are neurodivergent & recognizing that if I can't go over and beyond helping & accommodating them, why can't I do that for myself? and c) So Much Therapy. Also just addressing it as a journey: I don't have to reach the bright shining palace of "I never feel uncomfortable taking up space" but can instead celebrate being able to do things I never had before
Is the trait of being “aggressively accommodating” something that can be attributed to an adhd brain? Or is it just a separate personality trait? Because I have have never heard someone use a term like that, and I relate so incredibly hard. I am often drawn to people with strong or stubborn personalities because when it comes down to what I like/don’t like or want/don’t want, it often comes across that I just don’t have an opinion or real personality. But often times I genuinely do not care and just want whatever makes the people I’m with happy. Previously I’ve referred to it as my dog brain because I’m pretty much just happy to be there and be involved as long as the people I’m with are enjoying themselves.
I definitely think it can have to do with ADHD. Jessica has made videos where she talks about the “people-pleasing” drive that can be associated with ADHD, which comes, in part, from rejection sensitivity. But I think we can also just be really social and excited about other people’s joy. Also, for me, something associated with my neurodivergence is not knowing or being in touch with what I want or how I feel, so it can feel more natural to not really think about myself and just go with what others are doing and trying to make them happy. It almost feels more natural to try to please others than to try to please myself. It can be scary, too, to look within and figure out what I would want for myself outside of other people, because what if I can’t get it? What if what I want is to move to a totally different place or otherwise completely upend my current life, and thereby upend my relationships? It’s scary to realize my wants can and often will come into conflict with those of the people I care about. But I’ve found it’s much better to try to face that head on than realize down the line I’m not where I want to be, I’ve sacrificed focusing on my goals and desires (which I didn’t even realize I had or fully understand before), and now it’s going to be much harder to pursue them. You’ve gotta build your life’s foundation on what you want, you know? Because at the end of the day, you can’t control the emotional state of others. You can’t fix every problem. But you can work to make yourself happy and fulfilled. Which means figuring out what you want. And you can start doing that at any time, and implementing small things in your life that are just for you, to make you happy.
I have adhd and I'm very much the same. For things I don't have a strong opinion on, I couldn't care less what we do, and if I have an opinion I try very hard to find a compromise because I would want them to do the same for me (adhd'ers tend to have a strong sense of justice and empathy). But certain things I will never compromise on just to make someone comfortable (ie I will never tolerate any form of bigotry)
I feel this one so hard! When I don't have a preference, I want to do whatever it is that will make them happy. When I do have a preference I'll usually say it, or when it isn't as strong I'll give a few options to narrow to something I have a lil more of a preference on.
I would say being aggressively accommodating is more likely to come from experience and individual temperament rather than ADHD itself since I know people who are ADHDers and are definitely not that way. However, me and my mom both are and we are both ADHDers!
I could write paragraphs on so many of the points you both hit on, but it would bore most folks. Thank you for sharing honestly, just how complex these relationships can be and the very practical communication that has helped you guys do well together! I grew up masking and feeling horrifically guilty about behaviors that came from being a girl with ADHD and Sensory Integration Disorder and OCD. "Taking up space" is such a huge hurdle for me, but thankfully my husband of 24 years is this cheerleader for me! We both are ND in different ways, but were the "good kids" in our families, so thought we'd have "easy" kids. Turned out both our kids are autistic (in different ways), as well as one of them has ADHD. My advocacy for them was what led me to understand my own needs better, and finally be diagnosed. Our family continues to work to ensure each of us feels valued and can speak in the ways that are most effective and comfortable for each other. And now we're watching our son and daughter become advocates for their ND friends and for the LGBTQ+ community. It makes it all so worthwhile! See - I overshared again. Please keep treating each other with respect and love and thank you for sharing parts of your journey so that others can learn!!
This makes me feel better about my own struggles: having two different brain types in one body, vs one relationship. With autism AND ADHD, I feel like my inconsistencies have inconsistencies. My quirks have quirks. I can never say ( and feel like I am being genuine) " I am like this", or "I am like that".
12:46 the ADHD wandering hand strikes back. This happens to me too, people think I'm not listening, but it's just that something has caught my eye and I need to check if it's whatever I think it is right away, or I won't be able to pay attention to the conversation. Expectations are the most damming things in human society for mental health.
Raffael is an amazing sensitive man and partner for you Jessica. The 2 of you made me cry because you care so much about how you treat each other. You care about your communications being clear. You care about meeting each others needs in such a way that your relationship blooms. I hope you can maintain compassion and tolerance of how each other is different, because it seems like a really great relationship to me. Jessica you are fast. Raffael you are slow. There's nothing wrong with either way of communicating. It takes a sincere effort to make that work for both of you, and it seems that you're willing to make the effort. Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability.
Not a jerk. Not alone. There's so much more I want to say but I also don't want to overshare. I'll just say, I'm *so* glad you two decided to make this video. I think it's gonna help a lot of people feel less alone and maybe less confused.
This is a video I’m absolutely going to share with my wife. I’m also Autistic and ADHD; she has OCD. I find she is so frustrated that I don’t just think to do things without prompting and that I get sidetracked during tasks and may not come back to complete them. Equally so, I find myself horrible at expressing my needs to her and how it impacts my self-esteem when she makes comments that seem like she doesn’t have faith or trust in my abilities.
I have ADHD (combined subtype) and OCD. I have been so frustrated that my husband doesn't do chores around the house without prompting. After seeing this video I have realized that my husband does not have a problem with doing chores, the problem is my (unrealistic) expectations and assumptions (that he knows what needs to be done but won't do it), and that the issue can be simply resolved by me asking him to do "x". I am sorry that this wasn't apparent to me before.
Really nice Video! My ex was the first person ever that I was able to just not mask around (and I didn't even KNOW I was an AuDHDer at the time, I could just be myself) and he said something that has stuck with me and is one of the things that made him such a good partner: he found my way of experiencing the world and my ways of communicating fascinating, and said "that is just one of the things that make you so lovely". He said he learned a lot about the way people can communicate just from my behaviour because it was very new to him. He was so honest that I never had to doubt him and he always communicated clearly because I told him I have trouble understanding what people mean. Being in a relationship with someone who is able to accomodate you, and you can accomodate their needs, is the best
Dr. B, you are not a jerk! Actually, not expressing your needs (whenever you can identify them, and I mean that, even if it takes you a week or a month), is necessary to prevent your hidden feelings from installing themselves as the lense through which you see Jess. If you start losing sleep, or feeling burn out, you may come to dread her approaching you, no matter what her motivation is. Express your needs. But also, remember that your frustrations are your own. Her intentions are good. Just too much in the moment for you. You can ask for time, space, whatever, but please don't forget to share the touch she needs to reassure her that though you are stressed and may have few words, your love for her is still there. You two are so great together! I am so excited for you! Jess, I bought your book and it is on it's way! I can't wait! AND congrats on your baber that is on her way! Jess, I have been watching you (eh, that sounds creepy out of context) for years; ever since my 15 year old was 7 and diagnosed with ADHD. Your videos have been so helpful. My own diagnosis with ADHD followed, and I have been researching Autism since a friend's diagnosis. My husband and I have a collection of neurodivergent friends who seem to shine to my eyes. But I am realizing, it might be because they are familiar. Like family, familiar. So now I think he and I may be in the Autism spectrum ourselves. Dr B, your slower processing speed? Me, too. I love your idea about relationship accommodations. You will be so busy after the baby comes, but please, if you are able to, please keep making these joint videos. I absolutely do not expect you guys to dispense infallible wisdom all the time. But holding open a space for this community to connect over relevant topics that will naturally come up, is so helpful. I do learn a lot from you and others. And hearing the different experiences, struggles, and solutions help reset my range of expectations. It is writing a new normal with so much more tolerance. Side note: Brené Brown in her "Unlocking Us" podcast interviewed the Gottmans. A caller sent in the question about neglected bids for attention with her undiagnosed autistic husband, and how could she get her unmet needs met? And the Gottmans said they had no research on that. They admitted that was a difficult question, and that it was not one they could address. I almost cried! They washed their hands of it!?! Sigh. Maybe not right now, but in the future, please pick up this unexplored area of love in neurodivergent relationships. We are loveable people. I suspect there may be swaths of undiagnosed autistics being labeled narcissistic by people who can't rightly understand what they are experiencing within their relationships. Understanding brings forgiveness, compassion, and accommodation. We need help out here!! It's a big ask. Timeline to start this investigation? 10-20 years? I am patient. Heh. I do think you two are the right ones and positioned in the right webwork of connections to do this. Goal: Dream Big!! Care to take this on? Thanks Oodles!! (Seriously, thank you so much; you have no idea how much I needed this content and in the timeline that you put it out there!) -a dedicated fan also named Jess
Oh god, the overly helpful thing is so relatable. Not realising that when your partner talks about an issue, it’s not necessarily an invitation to brainstorm solutions but maybe them just processing out loud. It’s so easy to jump into “I can help with that!” mode because you’ve thought of 5 different systems they could try before they’ve even finished the sentence - something I really struggle with too
I think being able to communicate needs and limitations is very important. The most frustrating thing is feeling like there are no options but to accept it or move on. But when there is hope of a resolution, it makes things infinitely easier. Also, to both of you, thank you for making this video together, even if it was a little uncomfortable. Thank you.
Omg thank you so much. Ive been in his shoes so many times and because of that feeling, I started avoiding relationships altogether. This helps me understand there is a light at the end of tunnel and i can work on these things. I can't thank you both enough for being so vulnerable and honest.
You're not the only one avoiding relationships. My last friend recently left me, I'm divorced, and only have my abusive parents in my life. I've given up. This is the first time I've ever seen a relationship on this level. Just the idea of asking for something makes me cringe because I was taught to never do that. Even if it was asking for a drink from the fridge, I couldn't do that with anyone (even husband when married, he'd yell at me and sometimes put a fist in the wall if I asked him for anything, even when it was something he was supposed to do anyway).
This hits home 😭 it took me until my most recent relationship ended to realize that I need very direct communication with time limits and other accomodations because I'm likely AuDHD and not ADHD alone. I was raised with a lot of fear surrounding relationships outside of family, and was at the same time very scared of my parents, so I really had nowhere to unmask except the privacy of my room if I was lucky to not be disturbed (no locks, and I was called rude and belittled if I closed my door/immediately had my boundaries violated to force physical touch in the form of a hug as an apology even though I asked to be left alone and don't like hugs without verbal communication prior). I've never been able to just be myself and not constantly experience internal panic about which expectations I am not meeting in a relationship. Feeling quite validated right now, thank you for this video 💕
I’m so sorry you had this experience. I wish NT’s would research their brains as much as we do - I hear too many stories of adults breaking down boundaries because it’s “only” a hug, “you don’t want them to feel bad.” Well I don’t want YOU to feel bad!! It is never okay to break anyones boundaries because the thing is considered socially acceptable. Your needs have to be met first and any one who is worth being around is going to understand or work at it until they do understand.
This video made me tear up. Its one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen! The vulnerability and the love and respect you have for each other is so touching. Thank you for talking about the very personal things and how nuanced doing the “right” things are.
This made me emotional. Seeing people really care about each other, and being vulnerable and supported gives me hope that someday I can find my person. Also just so happy you both found each other and willing to stick around hehe x
I'm autistic and my lovely wife is ADHD. I feel like we can fill in each other's deficits. She guides me through social situations and allows me to be my true self in a loving and supportive way. I help her with keeping a routine and remembering to do things in a timely manner. Since we were both late diagnosed after we got married, we have been able to truly understand why we are and the reason we do things the way we do them. Our early relationship was a bit rocky because neither of us considered our personal accommodations. After a ton of therapy for each of us, we have grown much closer and patient with ourselves in the relationship. Communication from my side is still quite challenging, buy she understands and we are constantly working on how to express our wants needs and desires in a way that we can both understand. I think, from my point of view, that more direct communication and lots of questions have gone a long way with clearing things up before I melt down or have an argument.
I feel so seen. I'm autistic, and I was in a relationship with a NT person for years. My needs were not met in a way that was, in hindsight, traumatizing. Thank you both for sharing your experiences. I didn't know that a relationship could be this way.
Neurotypical husband and my wife has ADHD, depression, and narcolepsy. We have been married 14 years and have 4 kids. Wife received her diagnosis after baby number three. It’s been a wild ride but we are happy, even though our relationship doesn’t look like everyone else’s. Thanks for shedding light on atypical relationships!
He is not a jerk! It is completely reasonable to expect and receive accommodations for things that you need...like sleep! Much love to u both. This is awesome to see!
I absolutely love this. I feel like in so many neurotypical relationships there isn't really a talk about needs and accommodations because people just expect you to be able to intuitively know what those are for the other person, but it's so incredibly important to communicate and listen. I really relate to not being able to voice my limits until later on, but it's been getting a bit better, especially with how verbal my partner is with communication. He'll always ask first before he does anything physically, especially if it might take me by surprise or if it's something we haven't done before. I didn't realize how much anxiety I get from doing physical things in a relationship until we were on our second date he asked to kiss me and I just shut down and went almost unresponsive out of nowhere. Since then, we've had a lot of discussions and I'm a lot more comfortable with touching and kissing, and also I've been getting a lot better at telling him when I'm not comfortable with something or when I'm at my limit socially or sensory-wise and need to end a date or when I just need to leave a place to go somewhere quieter. This also extends to things outside of touch, like if either of us wants to call the other we ask first. I think it's just been super helpful that he respects my needs and actively tries to accommodate them and I do the same however I can. I grew up with a lot of my needs going completely dismissed at school and home because nobody knew I had adhd or autism. I really relate to Raffael when he said having needs and expecting them to be accommodated makes him feel like a jerk because I grew up with the notion that I wasn't allowed to be a problem and I still feel like that now a lot of the time, especially when I have a need that someone else would have to go out of their way to meet, so often I just don't voice them. I love being with my partner though because he's so considerate and pushes me to communicate when it's difficult but never forces me to have a conversation I'm not able to. Thank you guys so much for addressing this, I know it was probably uncomfortable and vulnerable, but it's going to help a lot of people feel seen and show people how to function better in their own relationships.
The ending - I am working so hard to be comfortable taking up space. Wow, I've never heard anyone else say that out loud. I have a few close friends who have learned (with my kind feedback) how to lovingly nudge me into literally taking up space. I'm 58 and I wasn't diagnosed until a few years ago with ADHD and I haven't dated seriously since then and I'm afraid to but you both helped! Thank you!! 🥰
I really enjoyed hearing Raffael’s take! I too can relate to some of those things… especially the inability to judge time or understand people’s expectations of when someone they want is needed… Also… it’s been a struggle to know how to take up space - it’s sort of like missing a core piece of identity or want and feeling guilty for wanting… I really enjoyed this episode
Wow. This is my husband and I ... completely. We are 15 years married and adore each other, but emotional communication is hard because our styles are so very different! Thank you SO MUCH for posting this video. We have been trying to navigate this better but had no ... framework. We never saw the same neurodiverse blend in another couple. This helps so much. I'm sending it to my husband. He'll watch it eventually ;)
My partner has asd and I have adhd. Sometimes she is a little too honest. It took me years but I find the humour in her backhanded "compliments" and instead look at her actions which are always trying to be as kind as possible. Both of us being more aware of our sensory issues and kind and forgiving and helping each other with them has been very helpful (she makes me coffee when I am too tired to and I will make lights and sounds better when she is overwhelmed)
My partner and I have a very similar dynamic surrounding expectations. I get frustrated if he doesn’t “need” anything from me. I feel as though I’m not supposed to want or need anything due to his feelings. He also feels similarly guilty about “failing” which he never does. This is a really wonderful video. I am so happy to have watched this.
Dude, I'm right there with you, feeling guilty for having needs. I've known I'm ADHD my whole life, and am likely ASD as well. My wife and I have had a very similar relationship to yours. Unfortunately, we uncovered her undiagnosed ADHD, and then Autism, too late to save our relationship. This video is helping me to process what went wrong, and see a future where I can be in a healthy, loving relationship. Thank you guys, so much!
Thank you both for willing to be vulnerable, open & transparent. Although I'm sure it was challenging, it was definitely helpful! I just wish this conversation was longer. I think it would be beneficial to have a part two, where more of both of your thoughts, ideas & experiences are shared. (And if it's too personal, then additional hypothetical scenarios etc). Thanks again!
I was going to pass over this video but didn't. I am currently separated from my neurotypical wife and you and your partners experiences echo mine in oh so many ways. I'm 54 and wasn't diagnosed until in my 30's. Our relationship was only a couple of years old when I got the diagnosis. Now 20 ish years later, here we are. I take a long time to process and don't work without deadlines. Thank you for having the courage to do the video, may it help others and keep them from the edge of the abyss of despair where I am. It's a very scary place.
Finding someone who you do not have to mask your symptoms around (romantically or platonically) is the best feeling ever
Agreed!
@@HowtoADHD 🧠
Very difficult to find that person who will understand unconditionally!!
I only have my sisters, kinda sad tbh.
Especially after a history of abuse. It's taken me 3 years (with therapy!) to finally be able to voice my needs to my fiance. It feels amazing but omg the anxiety almost makes it feel not worth it!
I appreciate how unapologetically uncomfortable this is. It really shows what real honest relationship work is. There are too few good examples of people leading healthy relationships online, so thank you for this. Neither of you are jerks for having needs. :)
I second this comment. ✊❤️🔥
Wants and needs will fall upon burning ashes what do you need
I wanted to like it but you're at 777 so I'll leave you wit your luck👍
I completely agree with everything you said and you said so well! Perfecto!
"Unapologetically uncomfortable" --> Yes, it was healing to watch
“By saying ‘do it the way you can’ you gave me no way to fail.” I LOVE this. So important.
It’s true for everyone…diff ppl have different comfort levels…
That's what I found too. I have ADHD, some traits of autism, and at least two chronic illnesses, and by my partner letting me chose what works for me, it helps a lot. Although I still struggle with expectations, especially when I can't live up to my own expectations I set for myself.
I agree, this was a good tip!
Never seen her partner before but you can tell this was incredibly challenging for him but the academic in him sees the benefit so he did this for us even tho it was way out of his comfort zone. mad props dude
That's incredibly sweet and shows how much he supports her and loves there relationship
Also audhd here. After my diagnosis, my nt husband (of 20 years) and I started having problems as I was unmasking. We ended up seeing a communication coach who specialises in nd/nt communication. It saved our marriage. Leaving this comment so others can know they’re not alone, it can happen to anyone, and it’s not hopeless.
Thank you for this
If only I knew this 5 years ago 😢
I would love to know what were some of the top accommodations or translations that you found to work?
Yes!! We need a neurodiverse relationship series!❤
Agreed! This is fantastic. Thank you so much to both of you, for sharing something so personal and so important.
yaaaaass
And a safe neurodivergent dating app, lol
Support group?
Agreed! That would be amazing
MAN, that line, "You gave me no way to fail," it really hit hard for me. Thank you so much for the honest and frank conversation; I'm so happy your second try at being together is working well!
Saaaamee! I have ADHD but for me I really get this if someone tells me both WHEN and/or HOW they want something done. It just triggers some deep insecurity and resistance in me and I can't stand it. Like, I'll do it, but not with you breathing over my neck and judging me.
Hearing you say the phrase "a coin that he termed" was so freaking validating for me.
Really? Wow, I totally missed that.
Loved the move on and the moment. Iconic.
Missed that lol
I love the spoonerism!
i noticed he started chuckling when she said that lol
My husband and I have slept separately for years. I'm not yet 40. It works really well for us, we make sure we are affectionate in other ways (I am fun affectionate but have specific touch stuff that I need acknowledging, he has different tactile needs to me, we work it out) and we both sleep better. He had serious sleep issues and it was awful to see him struggle with them. This works for us. Do not feel weird for sleeping separately! It's not always a good thing to make yourselves share a bed!!
That was advice from two people I respected, before I got married: they just... had their own rooms. Spent time together when they wanted, then went to their own rooms to do their own thing.
MANY years later, my wife was way too tired of my fidgeting, and I was tired of trying to sleep through the TV being on past midnight. We got a day bed (I'm short), and I sleep MUCH better at night in a room just down the hall.
Indeed, what @Michaela said - don't feel weird about sleeping separately.
My Partner and I have been together for 8 years and have slept separately for the last 4 since our little girl was born, simply because One of the 2 kids were always sick and I had to sit up at the night so they could breathe or manage their symptoms . Now we work and get up at different times and it's easier to sleep in different places
Yes! Even before I got my narcolepsy diagnosis, I have Tourette's so I roll like a rotisserie chicken and sleep deprivation would not make our relationship "more romantic."
It's really a shame that so many people think sleeping separately is inappropriate for a couple. My loved one and myself do so for eight years now (snoring, problems getting to sleep...) and our relationship has only gotten better!
Great advice, when both of you agree on the solution! Bit trickier when the other half would see it as rejection...
I love how he didn't correct her saying "It's a coin he termed" the first time, but 4th wall smiles at us, knowing most of us caught it.
I can hear how fast her brain is flying and nervous, and how he slows down and paces to balance it out.
Typical relationships are hard, neurotypical is harder. I'm glad they tried again and are open to the fact that it may not work long term, but are willing to do the work.
Maybe it's kind of an ADHD test. I didn't notice. 😅
@@katalintimeaborsos5806 Enjoy that, I notice everything and it's exhausting🥺
Neurotypical or Neurodivergent?
@@Heyu7her3 guessing ND
@@katg5746 I don't know. I just meant I have ADHD too, but it was OK for me. But it may be a language barrier, English is only my second language. :)
I really appreciate this video. I especially appreciate the discussion on touch. I have been in a relationship with my wife for over a decade, and just this year we had a conversation where we learned that while we share the love language of touch, we have entirely different dialects. She has a lot more positive feelings around steady contact, where I am touching her and not moving, where I get much more out of moving contact. An example of how we figured out to give each other a better hug: I hold her and don't move my hands on her back, and she pets my back while we hug. It's been very difficult to learn/accept/remember that the way I enjoy being touched is different from how she enjoys being touched (I sometimes have to count to thirty in my head cuz I won't stay still otherwise), and it's so fulfilling to be told that how I held her felt really good.
This got super personal and sharey, and I'm a little embarrassed posting this. And, if one person sees this and it sparks a conversation that betters their relationship, I'll be happy!
I didn’t even realize that was a thing! Thinking about it, I definitely appreciate a steady, constant touch but I’m not sure what my husband prefers. I tend to mirror him with what he does since I assume that’s what he likes, but it feels kinda awkward sometimes and it would definitely help if I just asked him what he wants! We are both neurodivergent and it’s these kind of things that I just don’t think to ask about even though it would probably help immensely
@@safiracalhoun1475
Huzzah! I'm so glad I'm not alone in this haha
While I'm a little frustrated when I find another thing that is core to my relationship with my wife but we've never talked about it, it's really lovely to be able to have those talks, even when they feel uncomfortable or awkward.
Omgsh thanks for sharing this.... I never thought about touch 'dialects' .. I get irritated with small quick movements and like steady still touch as well... Thanks for giving me the language to communicate this in the future!
@@talesfromtheroad9530
Oooh I like "touch dialects" as a term
This is such useful insight, no doubt you helped many of us!
Thank you Dr B for hanging out with us ADHDers!
I dated a girl who is autistic and as her mask slipped it was a very difficult relationship and we broke up several times. Of course she must have blamed herself. After a long break up she told me she is autistic and she promised to "try harder to be normal". It was only then that I understood and told her to stop trying and just be her. I'll learn her.
I don't understand autism but I understand her. I can see when she's stressed, and when things are difficult for her.
As an autistic person… yes, we have the need to be authentically ourselves as much as anyone else.
As much as other neurotypicals commend you or might even expect me to thank you here - she’s been through a lot because of you and has made a lot of allowances for you, too.
Continually breaking up and getting back together is even harder for autistic people; not only is it a jarring change of routine, but it constantly brings up these questions of whether or not we’re even worthy of love by neurotypical standards, and if we’ll ever find a love we see as meaningful.
Here’s hoping that you both can find inner peace and comfort in your communication with one another. I’m happy for both of you and want your relationship to work out. Please just recognize that your neurotypical worldview and expectations carry a LOT of privilege along with them.
@@emilysmith2965
> your neurotypical worldview and expectations
You missed something in my comment above, I have ADHD, which of course makes this video special for me.
@@emilysmith2965 Breakups can be equally hard for those with ADHD because of Rejection Sensitivity Disorder.
I had a similar thing happen with my last relationship except I didn't understand that I had autism at that time. In fact our breakup was the push that helped me to look into getting an assessment, as I realised there was something wrong with me.
This comment broke me 😢🥹
I relate a lot to him saying that he knows certain scripts but having difficulties with a novel authentic response in real time that meets my and someone else’s needs is SO relatable. That’s definitely something I struggle with communicating my feelings and that response that someone else is expecting
Yup!! Me too!!!
I had this issue with writing my wedding vows😂
That helped me understand my partner so much better.
I had to pause the video when he said that and just take it in.
Same! Also him saying he's great at recognizing patterns and mimicking.
I feel like I usually fall back to the script and mimicking the tone/sentiment of the person I'm responding to. However, I'm still only really able to do that in writing bc it takes so much thought to "get it right".
As someone who is not yet diagnosed, but identifies strongly with the descriptions of both autism and ADHD, I absolutely relate to this:
“What were your expectations?”
“That you’d stick around.”
This is still my biggest insecurity despite my "higher standards" lol
Hard same.
That still feels like a pretty high expectation to me, not gonna lie.
Fr. After 5 Years of marriage to my husband though my expectations have definitely gone way up. I thank God every day for him.
“Them sticking around” is about where I’m at, lol.
I just want to say as someone who has known I'm ADHD for a long time but only recently learned I'm autistic, the "U-shaped" language he used really hit home.
In the past I've described my process through a series of "impressions". That is, I make good first impressions, bad "second" impressions, and good "third" impressions. In this context, impressions aren't literally the first, second, and third time I meet someone, but rather stages in our relationship (whether romantic or otherwise).
I make good first impressions because I think I'm kind of funny, I've had jobs and opportunities that people find interesting, etc. But once the script runs out, as he said, it falls apart a bit. The mask slips a little and people fall away. That's the "second" impression.
The third impression is only experienced by those who stick around long enough for my quirks to become endearing. My fraternity brothers stuck around because they "had" to. My family stuck around for the same reason. And sometimes I'll have the rare random person who manages it somehow or another.
Those who have stuck around long enough for stage III see me fairly unfiltered and, generally speaking, like what they see. They end up being some of the closest people in my life, but the process of repeatedly striking out at work and in personal life hurts a lot.
Thank you very much for your honest words
I realllyyyy relate to this
Yup, I teared up when he explained this. My social life in a nutshell
Thanks for your reply! I wasn't sure exactly what he meant by that. Your description makes so much sense. Thanks for being open and sharing your experience.
Thank you for this comment. I think my partner and I are in their stage 2 and this comment and the U shape analogy has been really reliving and clarifying as I've been incredible confused and disoriented.
"I'm not supposed to need anything" hit me in the feels 😭 it's like hearing my ADHD husband.
I'm not certain and I'm sure there are always exceptions but I feel like maybe this is also just a very male thing, regardless of neurology.
@@valq10 It definitely is partly just a male thing. I can only speak to my own lived experience, but I do think that my ADHD plays a part. Not only do I not feel like I'm supposed to need anything, the way my ADHD manifests I frequently don't feel / realize there IS something I need.
I'm female and totally relate to this. Maybe because only girl in family and very English stiff upper lip family?
@@valq10 I personally think it’s a gender expectation thing for guys.
A lot a young boys are told or shown by their father and/or other male role models that they need to be providers when they grow up to be valuable (Especially if these kids come from a blue-collar/working class backgrounds). A lot of that type of thinking can be so ingrained that when these boys grow up, they will put their physical and emotional needs aside in order to fill that role as a provider. ADHD or Autism could probably add fuel to that fire, since those men might perceive their neurodivergence as a handicap which can make them try even harder to fill that provider role while neglecting more of those needs.
Or, at least, that’s how it can feel at times coming from a man with ADHD.
@@valq10 For me, as a female who has felt this way (and I still sort of feel this way) it was my Catholic background and the way I was parented. The moment he said he was raised a Catholic I cackled, lol. He didn't have to explain why or how.
"What were your expectations?"
"That you stick around"
It's so true and so funny at the same time. I can relate to some of his words, I have combined adhd and also haven't been treated very good by past partners. And i feel the same, I just hope to find someone who sticks around.
"Do it the way that you can." = No way to fail
I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS!!!! Thank you ❤❤❤
He is not a jerk. We do things for our partners. This sounds like a loving relationship that has neurodivergent struggles. Thank you for sharing that these are ok and can be accommodated. ❤
I really appreciate Raffael's mental fortitude in refraining himself from calling you out for saying relationship accommodations is the "coin that he termed" 🤣 (around 00:54) - He noticed, yet stopped himself. That is true love 😂🥰
He is not a jerk! I can empathize with both of you so much, this is very validating. Thank you for sharing this with us ❤️
I agree with you both! I have currently latched on to the idea that couples may actually do much better with separate bedrooms for situations like this. There are definitely times that a couple want to share a room, but I think it’s absurd to completely throw out the idea of personal space…
Agreed! He's definitely not a jerk. It's super important for everyone to know their needs are important and to not be afraid of expressing them, especially in a romantic relationship.
@jessynachobusiness8619 My SO & I have separate beds & I have a meditation room that is my quiet safe space. This works so incredibly well for us.
My husband and I have been in a relationship for nearly 10 years (married for 7) and we’re still going strong. I have ADHD and he has ADHD/Aspergers.
The biggest thing that has helped us is communication. I’ve had to learn how to give honest, gentle and quick feedback about my needs, which is especially important to him since he has difficulty picking up on subtle hints. I like getting feedback from him as well so I can help him not feel so overwhelmed by things
Yes!!! Communication is literally what me and my spouse are working on now. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and communicating/being more open has helped a lot. I wish you and your husband a happy life :)
Ahhhhh!! I love that! Yes! Honest and kind communication can go so so sosososoososo far! That'ss so awesome! Congrats on near 10 years!
Beautiful comment =)
Same relationship "neuro-composition" here, same length, same issue, still working on it though lol
Thanks for sharing. Only recently having learned my son has the same combination of ADHD and high functioning Autism. It's how i ended up learning that i have ADHD. Your comments will help us, particularly me, in how i approach things to build a strong father/son relationship. Thanks for sharing.
"How did you learn how to take up space?" Excellent question. Spending time alone taught me what I really enjoy and need, then in social settings, when I feel myself missing those things, I try not to judge myself for wanting them. I am getting better at recognizing when I am silencing myself or making myself seem small. I think that's the first step, recognizing you are making yourself uncomfortable with the restraint.
I agree! Something I've learned is to pick up on my own nonverbal cues. If I'm holding something (a finger, papers, pen, etc) to my lips, it's a silencing gesture. For me, more often than not that's actually good because I've had to learn to give more space to others more than take up space myself, and it's a really clear example. Postural cues are mostly how I catch how I'm feeling in a conversation (crossed arms mean I'm feeling defensive and not listening, for example). It's been really important for me to be able to notice such things because I often have trouble recognizing and engaging with my own feelings otherwise.
I'm still learning to take up space. Between filling a caregiver role for my siblings as a teen and having a couple relationships that were unhealthy and wore me down, it became my default to just disappear or make myself unnoticeable.
@@conorbrennan6298 That's very relatable after I learned about self-soothing gestures
@@conorbrennan6298 LOL This is me exactly!! Tips of my fingers to my lips to stop myself from (once again) interrupting and talking over someone in a conversation. When I notice my crossed arms, I mentally check for relaxed hands or balled fists. If it's the latter I'll consciously relax my clenched hands, posture and mind and think to myself, "I'm listening with an open mind." or "Don't judge."
+
Neurodivergent relationship tip: When I'm saying goodbye to my friends or expressing sympathy or something, I've learned to offer different touch AND non-touch options at the same time, with equal enthusiasm. I go, "This was so fun! Do you want a fist bump or a hug or neither?" I've found that a lot of people, neurodivergent or not, have different touch comfort levels depending on the moment and the day. Sometimes someone really appreciates the thought that I would hug them, but they don't actually want the physical touch. Etc.
So true! I’m absolutely a hugger, physical touch is one of my biggest love languages, but when I’m overwhelmed with emotion, I CANNOT be touched. It physically hurts. Usually being with friends makes me happy, so hugs are great, but if we’re talking about someone I see every day or close to… they’re likely to see me at times when I need space.
I love this!!! I wish everyone did that!
My wife and I are both neurodivergent in so many ways that overlap in some areas and diverge in others. Something that helps us is that we talk and message everything that we learn about ourselves to each other. When either of us is overstimmed we communicate that. Having that constant stream of "I got overwhelmed there," and "I had a rough day, can you bring me a treat on ur way home?" has really helped us. we know that we'll always be able to express ourselves, in person or via text, and the other will listen.
I am a special education teacher who just discovered that I am looking at it from the inside, not the outside. After realizing myself that I was pretty sure I had ADHD, spending months on a waiting list, and then finally being being assessed in October, I was diagnosed in November. In that time frame, I met my now fiancé and we’re both learning to navigate this whole process together.
Funny enough, a total ADHD story about how I lost my flashlight and so I bought SIX mini flashlights and a big one so I could put them in every room in my house, was the first thing that made him think, “huh, she’s kind of weird, I like it.” 😂
Omg that's sooo cute!
ADHD was a chapter in our Sped book. That was when I truly realized I had ADHD and got diagnosed. Like lots have said, just being diagnosed was a relief and such joy! I'm still working on getting meds squared away. I was in my niche until they told me I had to do just the paperwork, with no overtime allowed, and let someone who only had a high school diploma work with the kids. What fun is that?! Now I just homestead and volunteer. I'm thinking of starting classes on homesteading topics in my home. Guess I can't get over that teacher gene in our family!
Omg I did this flashlight purchase too 😅
I read this to my husband.
John; "how is this not the obvious answer?"
Me: burst out laughing.
J; same question
Me; burst out laughing again. I said 'maybe you have ADHD'.
His response; Maybe a little ...
As a neurodivergent person married to a neurodivergent person raising neurodivergent kids... There's a lot of different brains with different needs in our family. I really loved this video. I think the biggest thing I have learned over nearly 16 years of marriage & parenting in a neurodiverse family is that the conversations are ever evolving & ongoing as we each learn more about ourselves & each other & are impacted in different ways by lived experiences.
It is really lovely to hear this. My parents are both neurodivergent in different ways (I think) but they refuse to get tested or diagnosed and their strategy for getting through life which has gotten them this far is to white-knuckle it and yell at my sister and I when we aren't able to do that. I love that your strategy for raising your kids is having conversations and when the old conversation is no longer working having new ones.
Burst out laughing at the “I grew up Catholic” Too real. 😂 Really love hearing from Dr. B. He’s very thoughtful and insightful. I look forward to sharing this with my own partner and discussing together! We’ve been together over 11 years. He’s autistic and has ADHD and I have ADHD so this feels especially relevant and thought provoking. ❤
More, pleeeeeeeeease!! I don’t think there’s enough of this content in any form, and I believe there is a HUGE need for it-in relationships, in general! Thank you for doing this! It gave me perspective in my relationship! xoxo! ❤
Something you brushed upon was the fact of being ADHD and being a romantic, and with that having unrealistically high expectations. I have that with everything, even life goals. How do you manage that and figure out which expectations ARE realistic? How do you come up with realistic expectations when none of your current ones are, without feeling disappointed or like you’re settling?
Not sure if this helps, this helps mainly deal with the ambition in life and job Part. Achieving something great (as in famous and wows other people) is:
Step 1. Have the skillset
Step 2. Get Lucky. Only some people get Lucky and it's only a few. You can't do anything about 2. Even if you have 1.
Having the skillset will still let you achieve good things in life more or less reliably but becoming the next big thing is like 95% luck even if you have the skillset.
I haven't yet applied this to relationships, but I have adjusted expectations in other areas by focusing on the process, rather than the result. For example, rather than I will live in a clean and tidy home, I say I will clean my house for an hour on Saturday. I can get the result, or closer to the result I want, without feeling impossibly overwhelmed.
@@angelawright6202that's a nice one. I will try to, because I become often overwhelmed with tasks and failing doing it anyways because of my unrealistic expectations towards myself.
Sometimes I think this comes from being quite smart but not being able how I figured out intellectually in my head (overthinking) I should be.
I'm just realising how much I have build up a "way the world should be" because of masking, that is totally out of proportion. Maybe because it was to a large part built from a child, feeling different, having problems socialising and seeking ways to connect with other people. I always feel things are my "fault"
Focus on the doing jnstead of possible failure in the form of an outcome sounds like a strategy worth trying ❤
Thanks
@kirscherine23 cbt helps me with the self blame...worth a try if you haven't tried it yet
I have ADHD and my partner is AuDHD, and this is our THIRD time dating. And this time is going so much better. It really did have a lot to do with expectations, accommodations and being understanding of our differences.
He's told me I've made him feel safe to express feelings and ask to have his needs met, after he (like your partner) has been made to feel like he shouldn't take up space. We've had those moments where I offered an accommodation (for example: I can drive down and we don't even have to talk, we can just parallel play) and he was so relieved that he cried. It's been so amazing to give him the space he needs to breathe, and relax the unrealistic expectations.
Oh, and the love letter part really hit home. He has taken WAY too long to get me a gift, and it made me feel unloved. In reality, he was trying to find the PERFECT gift, and didn't want to settle for less.
SALUTE TO YOU 🫡🫡🫡🫡
I'm AuDHD and I drive my husband nuts with the paradox that happens when in some areas, I am like Jessica and others like Dr. B hahaha! I don't know what that would mean for someone like me
…wow. I see myself in Dr B. I’ve been watching this channel for years and this video hit me the hardest. I finally feel like I belong in this community. I don’t have typical ADHD, not even typical ADHD for girls. I think I’m masking at such a high level that I mask for myself. Dr B mentioning “alexithymia” made me tear up. I relate so much to everything he said, this finally give some hope for dating and finding a partner.
I’m also really into psychology and that makes me feel dumb that I can’t recognize my own issues. I wonder if Dr B has felt the same frustration. Thanks to you both, for the first time, I feel like I’m finally starting to understand my ADHD after years of not feeling like I belong here.
Edit: “i can’t tap into feeling on command” we stan Dr B lol
I had a similar reaction to this. I'm kinda just sitting here looking back at my life going "Oohhhhhh"
I can't say any better what you said, so I'll just say "me, too". The fact that he was able to say--out loud and on camera in front of his significant other unapologetically--what goes through my head on the regular was so disarming.
Ahhh me too….
Don't feel bad, I have had adhd diagnosed at childhood and my partner works in mental health. Even still, she only got diagnosed with autism and adhd this month. It's often harder to see psych things when they are right in front of you.
If "typical ADHD" is hyperactive, and "typical ADHD for girls" is inattentive, then what are you? Combined Type? I don't get it
I think a lot of success in a neurodivergent relationship also is tied to unlearning whatever ideas of success our neurotypical society has placed in our heads as an ideal. Being able to embrace that our relationship can look different and that’s not a sign or failure or a problem has been really helpful to actually allowing us to enjoy who we are together. A lot of things we’ve been expected to see as Correct and Ideal are untrue, unrealistic and misleading. It’s freeing to break through that and find where you are both happy and most yourself.
I have rarely felt more autistic than listening to him describe how he processes romantic relationships. This is so familiar and it is so wild to hear people talking about neurodivergent relationships. This definitely needs to be a conversation the world has more.
Sometimes I feel like I am a turtle eagle
❤ can you tell me more?
@@Coffeeismylifeblood idk what you mean by turtle eagle, but as far as what I was saying, I simply meant that the way he describes how he processes emotion and responsibility and the interpersonal bond in the relationship is very akin to how I process and experience those things as an autistic person in a relationship.
God I relate to this dude's experience so much. I have literally no expectations from my relationships except "don't treat me badly." I also experience it being hard to know if I'm upset about something until quite a long time afterwards.
6:15 “it’s hard to not interpret things the way that it would mean if _you_ did it”
DAMN. That little golden nugget is a keeper. Filing that away for later use, wow.
Awww the love letter story is so cute. He went out and bought a calligraphy pen so he could write the most beautiful love letter. You can tell he has strong feelings for her even though he might struggle to express them.
It's precious that he puts so much effort into keeping her happy. It's interesting that neurodivergent people can (or have to) work harder than most neurotypicals while still falling short of expectations. It's such a beautiful thing when we find a friend or romantic partner that recognizes and appreciates our efforts and our "abnormal" way of going about relationships.
My wife and I both have ADHD and this discussion was uncanny in terms of how we related to you two. The line about touch and communicating the need in terms like "can you provide touch however you feel comfortable?" Hit me hard, I verbally said "that's a game changer" as he said "that was a godsend" and had to pause the video to settle down lol.
We ended up watching the video together and were able to have a fantastic talk about things we do, things we've experienced in the past and how to communicate expectations. This was a fantastic video, thank you two so much for making this!
saaaaaame. I cried. Can't wait to show my husband when he gets home.
Being an ADHD person in a relationship with an autistic person, this is extremely helpful for us, to see these issues, specifically around communication llaid out like this and learn from them! Thank you for posting, I would love to see more content like this!
I cannot fully express how much it's impacted me to see a relationship that looks so much like one of mine 😭
Also, weird as this is, I just realized that one of the main sources for a paper I wrote about neurodiversity in the workplace is an article that heavily features Dr. B. Writing that article led me to finding out more about ADHD, finding this channel, and discovering that I am neurospicy. Thank you both for using your unique brains to help others learn how to work with their brains instead of against them.
Love "NueroSPICY!!!!" 😉
NEUROSPICY!! im gonna start using that lmfao
I love using Neurospicy! Sometimes I say how picante (spicy) I'm feeling at a given moment as it relates to fogginess or how scattered I am, how much capacity I have, etc. "Such spice!" is a thing my ADHD nephew and I (AudiHD) say to each other 😊
Full agreement with the rest of y'all, neurospicy is fantastic and wonderful
I have both ADHD and autism so thank you very much
Hope it helps!
Same
LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!!
• He is definitely NOT a jerk.
• The moment he touches your leg with one finger. ❤️
• It would be cool to see an episode with Mom on the Spectrum and her husband. He’s neurotypical and she has autism and maybe ADHD. They did an episode together also.
Thank you both for doing this episode. It gives me joy! ❤️🤗😃
He is just the absolute sweetest. MAJOR props for being so honest and vulnerable. It was very refreshing and it must feel AMAZING to have that mutual respect for each partners neurodivergence. I love how there's a still such a diverse range of personality traits even in the neurodivergent community. I love how he's the yin to your yang! Thanks for this open and honest and important conversation 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
The thing about the mask slowly starting to come off and causing growing pains in a neurodivergent relationship is so real. My husband and I met when I was a part of a uniquely broken-in social group and he saw me navigating that situation with apparent ease and thought that I was a social butterfly. He’s shy himself, but figured that my personality would act as a social conduit for him. Little did he know that I was just a raw nerve of social anxiety wrapped up in rejection sensitivity and performative extroversion. Actually, his subdued vibes gave me permission to not mask as hard as I typically do and was one of the reasons I fell for him. Being with him felt safe and calm, unlike most other social situations. But when he discovered how hard I avoided new social settings he was like “who even are you? Where’s the bubbly, vivacious girl from that old comfortable friend group?” And it was a transition 😂 Anyway, we laugh about it now! Luckily!
My wife and I are both ADHD/autistic, but in very different ways. The first four years of our relationship I worked on not managing her emotions (a skill I had learned as a child) and she worked on being able to tell me her feelings even though I am the less able of us two (I'm disabled and have less brain ability). In these past two years we've worked on being able to keep talking when one of us is in a meltdown/close to a meltdown, as well as embracing the high and low tides of spending time together/giving each other attention. Would love a series on communication between neurodivergent partners, but don't stress too much about it - if it would hurt your two's relationship then don't do it. Thanks sooo much for sharing.
Why keep talking when one of you is melting down? Surely they're not in a state to communicate in a way that's constructive. Can't they take a break and come back later?
It is so hard to keep communicating through a meltdown. My partner is neurotypical but very understanding, and I feel so guilty when I have to stop the conversation because my brain cannot process further and I've shut down. And we've learned that coming back to it doesn't work because I forgot to bring it up again later.
@@lizzieboredom92 Could he bring it up again later? You can establish a day each week to talk, giving him a time to bring up things that still need to be addressed.
I'm AuADHD, and I also have PTSD and an anxiety disorder, and my husband is neurotypical. I think one of the things that really helped us is me realizing, with the help of my therapist, that a relationship is not a 1-to-1 transaction. If I need him to remind me to do more things than he needs me to remind him to do, and if I need help with panic attacks even if he doesn't, that's okay. We love each other, we make each other happy, and so we're going to make this work.
Thank you; I needed this 😭 also AuDHD with a trauma background and my husband does so much for me… I feel so guilty about it sometimes, especially now that we have a baby, but he’s promised to and proven that he’ll ask for extra help when he needs/wants it.
@@LimegreenSnowstorm I'm glad you've found your husband and that you're working things out, and that my comment helped you! Guilt can be really hard sometimes, but my husband is always super insistent that he loves me a lot and enjoys spending time with me, and that plus reframing my relationships as something other than one-to-one transactions really helped - I hope it can help you, too!
Thank you. I needed to read these words.
@@meretriciousinsolent I'm glad I could help
It is not being a jerk to have basic needs met, particularly concerning sleep. I would add, though, sometimes offer to take the couch, reassuring her you absolutely don't mind. Take turns taking the couch.
I agree with another comment: thank you for doing this video, even if it felt awkward. Bravery isn't the absence of fear, it's doing what needs done even if you're scared or uncomfortable. You both saw a video like this was needed, and you stepped up. Thank you. I wish you both every happiness! 💜
My partner & I tried for yeeeeaaars to sleep in the same bed, with him inevitably sleeping on the couch most nights anyway, due to our incompatible sleep habits, (very much like these two described). A couple of times I slept on the couch, but he would usually insist since I'm the autistic one & it was just easier for him to do it.
We went through 4 beds trying to find one that worked for both of us. Until I finally worked up the courage to propose we get separate beds. It took a day or two for him to see the logic in the idea, because even though he was resistant to not being within arms reach of one another at night, as it stood we weren't even spending most nights in the same room. Now we can at least sleep in the same space, if not in the same bed.
I have just started a relationship with a woman who has ADHD and autism. Thank you for having this video.
Thank you for this video! I have ADHD and my husband has both ADHD and autism. It is hard to believe, but he managed to mask for our first 8 years of marriage. He had been masking his entire life, and two years ago the mask came off. I am so glad it did! I have loved getting to know him on a deeper, more honest level. I’m grateful to everyone who is willing to have conversations like these. Thank you, thank you! PS… I’m watched this video after moving to the couch because my RLS was really bad and I wanted my husband to be able to sleep 🤪
Thank you for this!!! I’m 41 & have only known about my ADHD for a little over a year now. My husband is almost 50 & we’re just now learning he’s autistic. We’ve been together almost 18 years & we’ve always had a communication issue in certain areas of our lives. We used to think it was because of different reasons, but now we know it’s the way our brains work. This would be so very helpful as a series to help couples like us!!
Can I ask how at this age he came about this diagnosis?
I’m just getting out of a long term relationship where I was told over and over that he didn’t even believe adhd was real (I have ADHD), even after I tried to share with him about it and my struggles. Its so nice to witness a relationship like yours where you take each other’s neurodivergence seriously!
Ugh I'm sorry you experienced that. I hope you are able to surround yourself with people who don't gaslight or disbelieve you.
He's wrong. It's real, and hard. Harder if you're having to constantly prove yourself. Congrats on leaving that behind!
@@MeldaRavaniel thank you ❤️
Just the way you are able to express yourself and have outbursts and interject in conversations because you're so engaged without being punished by your partner, as an ADHD person, is the ABSOLUTE most accommodation I could ever ask for. I am interested. I am involved. I am not trying to talk over you. It is an amazing thing to meet someone who has the patience to let you relax and just be with them. Masking wears you down.
This video is exactly what I’ve been looking for! My relationship sounds so similar to you two. My boyfriend of 3 years and I are planning a break because as an ADHDer I routinely overwhelm him emotionally-he needs a lot of space/alone time to process and it’s hard to not personalize that as rejection. We are trying to figure this out. I would LOVE more content like this, please! Thank you both. So helpful!
100% not the jerk!! My husband has PTSD and I have ADHD sometimes between the insomnia and night terrors sleeping together is not an option. We have learned to adapt and try our best to understand the other person's needs. The little poke was so cute.
"What were your expectations?"
"That you stick around"
Too real :(
First up, Raffael, you're not a jerk and you deserve to be able to sleep. Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking part in this video; it must have been hard work to be so publicly vulnerable. It's been so, so helpful to me 💜 (And thank you to Jessica too, obviously!)
And to both of you: oh my gosh, my head is exploding with connections and recognition! I got my ADHD diagnosis 18 months ago, in my 40s, and my husband is neurotypical; we've been together 13 years, the first 2 years long-distance. Seeing some of the issues in my own relationship spelled out so explicitly is a bit of a revelation - I didn't realise some of these things even are issues until you mentioned them. I absolutely experience time differently to my partner. I've spent a lot of time in therapy so I'm sometimes more in touch than he is with how I'm feeling and how to manage those feelings; it didn't occur to me that he might need time and space to catch up. Equally, 40-odd years of masking and being told I'm a defective human sometimes gives me a warped view of what's actually going on and I don't always know how I feel. I have so many things to journal about and (mentally) chew on!
PS Raffael, I learned to take up space by (a) reading a lot of Captain Awkward, and (b) fake it til you make it. That might not be very useful for you, sorry!
When he said "Your overt gestures of accommodating me can be overwhelming at times" But obviously in a good way, I felt that. My current partner is the most generous, kindest, flexible, understanding, and commicative person I've ever encountered. He is honest and open with me about his needs and wants and boundaries and his capabilities to help me, and I'm equally open with him. As a result, both of us feel supported, but it can also somewhat be overwhelming cuz it's like wow I've never been treated this well before. But it's a good kind of overwhelming in that it's helping me and him heal from our past relationships and traumas.
Edit, context: I'm AuDHD with BPD, and my partner struggles with severe chronic depression. Both of us Make accommodations for the other, and I genuinely think that a lot of that comes from both of us struggling and hurting while trying to connect with people who are not neurodivergent and cannot understand the impacts that our struggles can have in our daily lives and in our relationships.
17:25 Dr B, do NOT feel bad about prioritizing your sleep - you are not being selfish! Sleep is vital for the physical and mental health of BOTH people in a relationship! There is so much societal stigma about not sharing a bed, which is hard to deal with, but the guilt and resentment and stress of not being able to sleep takes a huge toll on a relationship, and that is worse. The one thing I'd recommend is that you take turns with who sleeps in the bed, and that you are united and honest about it when you're on vacation with other people or staying at someone's house. You both need to be able to sleep!
3:21 the “alright you’re a psychologist😅” comment just cut directly into my adhd soul❤ I love that there are people like me out there who also sometimes forget important things about important people when “in the moment”, and I love you for sharing it publicly. I often forget what my best friend’s name is, and growing up my wonderful adhd mom called me every other name than mine (incl but not limited to: my dad’s, my aunt’s, and our dog’s name). This is just how some of us function, and you sharing this made me feel incredibly seen. Thank you ❤
I do this! Recently self diagnosed… didn’t realise this was why. Thanks!
‘At interviews and dates we are our best selves’. Standard statement and viewpoint and as you said it, I really felt the embedded neurotypical weighted expectation of it. Those aren’t our best selves, those are our best conformings to neurotypical society’s expectations. Our best masks. As always thank you for your inight, wisdoms, sharing. 💜🧠
this is a really good point
Yes🤔
I have been married for 15 years and aware of my neurodivergence for 3 months. I’ll say the last 3 months have been the best so far. Thanks to therapy and patience I am learning to communicate a lot better. This video was beautiful and I appreciate you both for making it!
Oof, I felt that! I love Jess, but one of the reasons I think I am AuDHD not ADHD is that I am blown away by how emotionally open she, and many commenters on this channel, seem to be. Over-the top emotions I have. The ability to understand my own emotions, let alone others', I do NOT have. In the end, my inability to support and reciprocate properly is the thing in my life makes me feel like the biggest failure.
First, I want to disclaim that I don't intend this as a commentary on your AuDHD vs ADHD reasoning. For context, I am AuDHD myself. Okay, the thought most of your comment pinged in my brain: I've found, through several years of therapy, that being emotional open & better able to understand personal emotions seems to be a learned skill. Or al least can be learned as a skill if pre-existing aptitude wasn't the best? So it could be the case in part that no-one ever helped you develop the skill, or like, no-one taught the skill in a way that made sense because they were teaching in NT/allistic.
I feel like I just need to add that, for many of us who never learned how to express feelings in person, or don't feel comfortable in person with it, that chatting with strangers online is far easier to do. I'm almost glad that Medicaid here doesn't cover therapy (unless you're a drug addict), because then I'd feel like I had to go and talk to someone in person to just get judged like I have been by everyone in my life (even perfect strangers). I'm so uncomfortable with my own feelings, that I can only feel them in the privacy of my own house, by myself. Soon as the phone rings, soon as I have to go anywhere, I have to hit the switch to turn off my feelings because I'm not allowed to feel anything but neutral or happy when talking to or around anyone else. I get shamed for it, sent away and ignored until I "improve my attitude." Off course, sometimes I let it out just so I can be left alone.
@@eleanoreliz also AuDHD and I agree. I personally am able to identify my own emotions and talk about them as long as I am in control of my emotions. Once I'm in a meltdown, I can still identify but I cannot communicate it. I can also identify other's emotions a lot of the time assuming there's patterns I can pick up on. Therapy has greatly helped with this. I've also been reading a lot on child development a lot and I am seeing a pattern where if a child's emotional regulation and limbic system are taken care of very well, especially after birth, they're more likely to have better control and communication over their emotions later in life. So something to think about.
Please don't judge your abilities against the lense of what you percieve to be the abilities of others. Everyone has their own strengths and their own limitations. Every person has value and is important. My brother and sister once had a fight that ended up in them not speaking for months, about whether a cat or a dog is "better". You can't compare the worth of a cat and a dog because they have integral differences in their make up. So do individual people. I am sure that you have many wonderful qualities: don't inflate the things you lack at the cost of the things you have.
I usually scratch my head in confusion reading comments sections on videos like this because half the people are talking about how the video made them cry because they can relate to it so much. YT videos have helped me recognize and better understand my AuDHD and some have resonated with me more than others, but they've never made me emotional. I'm not sure if it's because it's in my nature to be passionate but not compassionate, or if it's because after decades of wondering what the explanation was for why I'm so different from everyone I know the emotional stakes are just drained from it - like completing a marathon too exhausted to feel any excitement.
Seeing how she sits differently on the chair every 20 seconds and how he sit still really shows the complexity of this kind of relationship, thank you so much for making this video.
I’m a teacher (6-10 year olds) in Sweden. These videos have really helped me understand pupils, friends and just folks in general. Thank you! ❤
This video brought me to tears. Many of the situations you described are almost identical to things my husband and I have gone through together.
I had labelled him uncaring, unloving, a jerk...when he was just living in a world not designed for him. I wasn't giving him what he needed to give me what I needed.
It takes a whole lot of courage to be honest with yourself like that. I'm glad you've made these realizations & I hope the best for the two of you going forward ✨️
I learned to take up space, slowly and with a lot of support and affirmation of those around me. Also, spending time with confident people helped a lot with my own confidence!!
I've got AuDHD and it's hard.
I hope your foot feels better soon, and thanks for sharing your perspectives. My significant other and I broke up for around a year and went to therapy and we've been going strong for a few years now.
I'm glad y'all found each other again and decided to give it another shot. Love is fantastic. 💞
"Also, spending time with confident people helped a lot with my own confidence!"
Confidence is a tricky thing. A lot of very confident people shouldn't be confident because they're actually lousy people with limited ability; they're confident because they're full of themselves. It's Dunning-Krueger meets charisma.
For me, it was a simple idea, yet something I imagine is very hard to find: someone who will give you encouragement and constructive feedback. Best boss I had was the one that did that and helped me grow as a person. Most bosses only know how to praise but not how to give constructive feedback, or only know how to criticize without being any good at praise. It doesn't have to be a boss - could be a family member or friend or maybe even a partner.
Self-awareness and confidence are a tricky balance. I've very confident about the things I know I'm good at. Unlike some of my peers, I don't think I've ever had to deal with imposter syndrome. However, I also know I'm not very good at most other things, so I'm only confident about a limited range of things.
I have an odd kind of confidence talking about myself. I feel confident talking about it because it's one of the subjects I know very well. I've always been casually honest (ASD), but over the years I've also become aware how this casual honesty often makes people uncomfortable or they simply don't care. For example, how many people will actually read this comment? And sometimes it just doesn't occur to me to express something I'm thinking that other people would express, but I wont hesitate to talk about if asked.
I learned to take up space by literally telling myself "you are allowed to take up space!" It's good to remember that I want to be kind to people, and also *I'm* people too. Excellent video, I'm definitely sending this to my partner.
I was also raised Catholic, have an anxiety disorder that wasn't diagnosed until college, and was socialized female, so learning to take up space was, and still is, difficult for me. Some of the things that helped me were a) actively unpacking what beliefs I was taught AND what would be true if those beliefs were false, b) teaching students who are neurodivergent & recognizing that if I can't go over and beyond helping & accommodating them, why can't I do that for myself? and c) So Much Therapy. Also just addressing it as a journey: I don't have to reach the bright shining palace of "I never feel uncomfortable taking up space" but can instead celebrate being able to do things I never had before
Is the trait of being “aggressively accommodating” something that can be attributed to an adhd brain? Or is it just a separate personality trait?
Because I have have never heard someone use a term like that, and I relate so incredibly hard. I am often drawn to people with strong or stubborn personalities because when it comes down to what I like/don’t like or want/don’t want, it often comes across that I just don’t have an opinion or real personality. But often times I genuinely do not care and just want whatever makes the people I’m with happy. Previously I’ve referred to it as my dog brain because I’m pretty much just happy to be there and be involved as long as the people I’m with are enjoying themselves.
I definitely think it can have to do with ADHD. Jessica has made videos where she talks about the “people-pleasing” drive that can be associated with ADHD, which comes, in part, from rejection sensitivity. But I think we can also just be really social and excited about other people’s joy.
Also, for me, something associated with my neurodivergence is not knowing or being in touch with what I want or how I feel, so it can feel more natural to not really think about myself and just go with what others are doing and trying to make them happy. It almost feels more natural to try to please others than to try to please myself. It can be scary, too, to look within and figure out what I would want for myself outside of other people, because what if I can’t get it? What if what I want is to move to a totally different place or otherwise completely upend my current life, and thereby upend my relationships?
It’s scary to realize my wants can and often will come into conflict with those of the people I care about. But I’ve found it’s much better to try to face that head on than realize down the line I’m not where I want to be, I’ve sacrificed focusing on my goals and desires (which I didn’t even realize I had or fully understand before), and now it’s going to be much harder to pursue them. You’ve gotta build your life’s foundation on what you want, you know? Because at the end of the day, you can’t control the emotional state of others. You can’t fix every problem. But you can work to make yourself happy and fulfilled. Which means figuring out what you want. And you can start doing that at any time, and implementing small things in your life that are just for you, to make you happy.
I have adhd and I'm very much the same. For things I don't have a strong opinion on, I couldn't care less what we do, and if I have an opinion I try very hard to find a compromise because I would want them to do the same for me (adhd'ers tend to have a strong sense of justice and empathy). But certain things I will never compromise on just to make someone comfortable (ie I will never tolerate any form of bigotry)
I feel this one so hard! When I don't have a preference, I want to do whatever it is that will make them happy. When I do have a preference I'll usually say it, or when it isn't as strong I'll give a few options to narrow to something I have a lil more of a preference on.
I would say being aggressively accommodating is more likely to come from experience and individual temperament rather than ADHD itself since I know people who are ADHDers and are definitely not that way. However, me and my mom both are and we are both ADHDers!
it must have been difficult to be this candid about the nuts and bolts realities of your relationship. It was really valuable, thank you so much.
I could write paragraphs on so many of the points you both hit on, but it would bore most folks. Thank you for sharing honestly, just how complex these relationships can be and the very practical communication that has helped you guys do well together! I grew up masking and feeling horrifically guilty about behaviors that came from being a girl with ADHD and Sensory Integration Disorder and OCD. "Taking up space" is such a huge hurdle for me, but thankfully my husband of 24 years is this cheerleader for me! We both are ND in different ways, but were the "good kids" in our families, so thought we'd have "easy" kids. Turned out both our kids are autistic (in different ways), as well as one of them has ADHD. My advocacy for them was what led me to understand my own needs better, and finally be diagnosed. Our family continues to work to ensure each of us feels valued and can speak in the ways that are most effective and comfortable for each other. And now we're watching our son and daughter become advocates for their ND friends and for the LGBTQ+ community. It makes it all so worthwhile!
See - I overshared again. Please keep treating each other with respect and love and thank you for sharing parts of your journey so that others can learn!!
This makes me feel better about my own struggles: having two different brain types in one body, vs one relationship. With autism AND ADHD, I feel like my inconsistencies have inconsistencies. My quirks have quirks. I can never say ( and feel like I am being genuine) " I am like this", or "I am like that".
12:46 the ADHD wandering hand strikes back. This happens to me too, people think I'm not listening, but it's just that something has caught my eye and I need to check if it's whatever I think it is right away, or I won't be able to pay attention to the conversation.
Expectations are the most damming things in human society for mental health.
Raffael is an amazing sensitive man and partner for you Jessica. The 2 of you made me cry because you care so much about how you treat each other. You care about your communications being clear. You care about meeting each others needs in such a way that your relationship blooms. I hope you can maintain compassion and tolerance of how each other is different, because it seems like a really great relationship to me. Jessica you are fast. Raffael you are slow. There's nothing wrong with either way of communicating. It takes a sincere effort to make that work for both of you, and it seems that you're willing to make the effort. Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability.
Love this❤
Not a jerk. Not alone. There's so much more I want to say but I also don't want to overshare. I'll just say, I'm *so* glad you two decided to make this video. I think it's gonna help a lot of people feel less alone and maybe less confused.
This is a video I’m absolutely going to share with my wife. I’m also Autistic and ADHD; she has OCD. I find she is so frustrated that I don’t just think to do things without prompting and that I get sidetracked during tasks and may not come back to complete them. Equally so, I find myself horrible at expressing my needs to her and how it impacts my self-esteem when she makes comments that seem like she doesn’t have faith or trust in my abilities.
I have ADHD (combined subtype) and OCD. I have been so frustrated that my husband doesn't do chores around the house without prompting. After seeing this video I have realized that my husband does not have a problem with doing chores, the problem is my (unrealistic) expectations and assumptions (that he knows what needs to be done but won't do it), and that the issue can be simply resolved by me asking him to do "x". I am sorry that this wasn't apparent to me before.
Really nice Video! My ex was the first person ever that I was able to just not mask around (and I didn't even KNOW I was an AuDHDer at the time, I could just be myself) and he said something that has stuck with me and is one of the things that made him such a good partner: he found my way of experiencing the world and my ways of communicating fascinating, and said "that is just one of the things that make you so lovely". He said he learned a lot about the way people can communicate just from my behaviour because it was very new to him. He was so honest that I never had to doubt him and he always communicated clearly because I told him I have trouble understanding what people mean. Being in a relationship with someone who is able to accomodate you, and you can accomodate their needs, is the best
Dr. B, you are not a jerk! Actually, not expressing your needs (whenever you can identify them, and I mean that, even if it takes you a week or a month), is necessary to prevent your hidden feelings from installing themselves as the lense through which you see Jess. If you start losing sleep, or feeling burn out, you may come to dread her approaching you, no matter what her motivation is. Express your needs. But also, remember that your frustrations are your own. Her intentions are good. Just too much in the moment for you. You can ask for time, space, whatever, but please don't forget to share the touch she needs to reassure her that though you are stressed and may have few words, your love for her is still there.
You two are so great together! I am so excited for you! Jess, I bought your book and it is on it's way! I can't wait! AND congrats on your baber that is on her way! Jess, I have been watching you (eh, that sounds creepy out of context) for years; ever since my 15 year old was 7 and diagnosed with ADHD. Your videos have been so helpful. My own diagnosis with ADHD followed, and I have been researching Autism since a friend's diagnosis. My husband and I have a collection of neurodivergent friends who seem to shine to my eyes. But I am realizing, it might be because they are familiar. Like family, familiar. So now I think he and I may be in the Autism spectrum ourselves. Dr B, your slower processing speed? Me, too. I love your idea about relationship accommodations.
You will be so busy after the baby comes, but please, if you are able to, please keep making these joint videos. I absolutely do not expect you guys to dispense infallible wisdom all the time. But holding open a space for this community to connect over relevant topics that will naturally come up, is so helpful. I do learn a lot from you and others. And hearing the different experiences, struggles, and solutions help reset my range of expectations. It is writing a new normal with so much more tolerance.
Side note: Brené Brown in her "Unlocking Us" podcast interviewed the Gottmans. A caller sent in the question about neglected bids for attention with her undiagnosed autistic husband, and how could she get her unmet needs met? And the Gottmans said they had no research on that. They admitted that was a difficult question, and that it was not one they could address. I almost cried! They washed their hands of it!?! Sigh. Maybe not right now, but in the future, please pick up this unexplored area of love in neurodivergent relationships. We are loveable people. I suspect there may be swaths of undiagnosed autistics being labeled narcissistic by people who can't rightly understand what they are experiencing within their relationships. Understanding brings forgiveness, compassion, and accommodation. We need help out here!! It's a big ask. Timeline to start this investigation? 10-20 years? I am patient. Heh. I do think you two are the right ones and positioned in the right webwork of connections to do this. Goal: Dream Big!! Care to take this on?
Thanks Oodles!! (Seriously, thank you so much; you have no idea how much I needed this content and in the timeline that you put it out there!)
-a dedicated fan also named Jess
Oh god, the overly helpful thing is so relatable. Not realising that when your partner talks about an issue, it’s not necessarily an invitation to brainstorm solutions but maybe them just processing out loud. It’s so easy to jump into “I can help with that!” mode because you’ve thought of 5 different systems they could try before they’ve even finished the sentence - something I really struggle with too
I think being able to communicate needs and limitations is very important. The most frustrating thing is feeling like there are no options but to accept it or move on. But when there is hope of a resolution, it makes things infinitely easier.
Also, to both of you, thank you for making this video together, even if it was a little uncomfortable. Thank you.
Omg thank you so much. Ive been in his shoes so many times and because of that feeling, I started avoiding relationships altogether. This helps me understand there is a light at the end of tunnel and i can work on these things. I can't thank you both enough for being so vulnerable and honest.
You're not the only one avoiding relationships. My last friend recently left me, I'm divorced, and only have my abusive parents in my life. I've given up. This is the first time I've ever seen a relationship on this level. Just the idea of asking for something makes me cringe because I was taught to never do that. Even if it was asking for a drink from the fridge, I couldn't do that with anyone (even husband when married, he'd yell at me and sometimes put a fist in the wall if I asked him for anything, even when it was something he was supposed to do anyway).
This hits home 😭 it took me until my most recent relationship ended to realize that I need very direct communication with time limits and other accomodations because I'm likely AuDHD and not ADHD alone. I was raised with a lot of fear surrounding relationships outside of family, and was at the same time very scared of my parents, so I really had nowhere to unmask except the privacy of my room if I was lucky to not be disturbed (no locks, and I was called rude and belittled if I closed my door/immediately had my boundaries violated to force physical touch in the form of a hug as an apology even though I asked to be left alone and don't like hugs without verbal communication prior). I've never been able to just be myself and not constantly experience internal panic about which expectations I am not meeting in a relationship. Feeling quite validated right now, thank you for this video 💕
I’m so sorry you had this experience. I wish NT’s would research their brains as much as we do - I hear too many stories of adults breaking down boundaries because it’s “only” a hug, “you don’t want them to feel bad.” Well I don’t want YOU to feel bad!! It is never okay to break anyones boundaries because the thing is considered socially acceptable. Your needs have to be met first and any one who is worth being around is going to understand or work at it until they do understand.
This video made me tear up. Its one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen! The vulnerability and the love and respect you have for each other is so touching. Thank you for talking about the very personal things and how nuanced doing the “right” things are.
This made me emotional. Seeing people really care about each other, and being vulnerable and supported gives me hope that someday I can find my person. Also just so happy you both found each other and willing to stick around hehe x
I'm autistic and my lovely wife is ADHD. I feel like we can fill in each other's deficits. She guides me through social situations and allows me to be my true self in a loving and supportive way. I help her with keeping a routine and remembering to do things in a timely manner. Since we were both late diagnosed after we got married, we have been able to truly understand why we are and the reason we do things the way we do them. Our early relationship was a bit rocky because neither of us considered our personal accommodations. After a ton of therapy for each of us, we have grown much closer and patient with ourselves in the relationship. Communication from my side is still quite challenging, buy she understands and we are constantly working on how to express our wants needs and desires in a way that we can both understand. I think, from my point of view, that more direct communication and lots of questions have gone a long way with clearing things up before I melt down or have an argument.
I feel so seen. I'm autistic, and I was in a relationship with a NT person for years. My needs were not met in a way that was, in hindsight, traumatizing. Thank you both for sharing your experiences. I didn't know that a relationship could be this way.
Neurotypical husband and my wife has ADHD, depression, and narcolepsy. We have been married 14 years and have 4 kids. Wife received her diagnosis after baby number three. It’s been a wild ride but we are happy, even though our relationship doesn’t look like everyone else’s.
Thanks for shedding light on atypical relationships!
He is not a jerk! It is completely reasonable to expect and receive accommodations for things that you need...like sleep! Much love to u both. This is awesome to see!
I absolutely love this. I feel like in so many neurotypical relationships there isn't really a talk about needs and accommodations because people just expect you to be able to intuitively know what those are for the other person, but it's so incredibly important to communicate and listen. I really relate to not being able to voice my limits until later on, but it's been getting a bit better, especially with how verbal my partner is with communication. He'll always ask first before he does anything physically, especially if it might take me by surprise or if it's something we haven't done before. I didn't realize how much anxiety I get from doing physical things in a relationship until we were on our second date he asked to kiss me and I just shut down and went almost unresponsive out of nowhere. Since then, we've had a lot of discussions and I'm a lot more comfortable with touching and kissing, and also I've been getting a lot better at telling him when I'm not comfortable with something or when I'm at my limit socially or sensory-wise and need to end a date or when I just need to leave a place to go somewhere quieter. This also extends to things outside of touch, like if either of us wants to call the other we ask first. I think it's just been super helpful that he respects my needs and actively tries to accommodate them and I do the same however I can. I grew up with a lot of my needs going completely dismissed at school and home because nobody knew I had adhd or autism. I really relate to Raffael when he said having needs and expecting them to be accommodated makes him feel like a jerk because I grew up with the notion that I wasn't allowed to be a problem and I still feel like that now a lot of the time, especially when I have a need that someone else would have to go out of their way to meet, so often I just don't voice them. I love being with my partner though because he's so considerate and pushes me to communicate when it's difficult but never forces me to have a conversation I'm not able to. Thank you guys so much for addressing this, I know it was probably uncomfortable and vulnerable, but it's going to help a lot of people feel seen and show people how to function better in their own relationships.
The ending - I am working so hard to be comfortable taking up space. Wow, I've never heard anyone else say that out loud. I have a few close friends who have learned (with my kind feedback) how to lovingly nudge me into literally taking up space. I'm 58 and I wasn't diagnosed until a few years ago with ADHD and I haven't dated seriously since then and I'm afraid to but you both helped! Thank you!! 🥰
I really enjoyed hearing Raffael’s take! I too can relate to some of those things… especially the inability to judge time or understand people’s expectations of when someone they want is needed… Also… it’s been a struggle to know how to take up space - it’s sort of like missing a core piece of identity or want and feeling guilty for wanting… I really enjoyed this episode
Wow. This is my husband and I ... completely. We are 15 years married and adore each other, but emotional communication is hard because our styles are so very different! Thank you SO MUCH for posting this video. We have been trying to navigate this better but had no ... framework. We never saw the same neurodiverse blend in another couple. This helps so much. I'm sending it to my husband. He'll watch it eventually ;)
My partner has asd and I have adhd. Sometimes she is a little too honest. It took me years but I find the humour in her backhanded "compliments" and instead look at her actions which are always trying to be as kind as possible.
Both of us being more aware of our sensory issues and kind and forgiving and helping each other with them has been very helpful (she makes me coffee when I am too tired to and I will make lights and sounds better when she is overwhelmed)
My partner and I have a very similar dynamic surrounding expectations. I get frustrated if he doesn’t “need” anything from me. I feel as though I’m not supposed to want or need anything due to his feelings. He also feels similarly guilty about “failing” which he never does. This is a really wonderful video. I am so happy to have watched this.
Dude, I'm right there with you, feeling guilty for having needs. I've known I'm ADHD my whole life, and am likely ASD as well. My wife and I have had a very similar relationship to yours. Unfortunately, we uncovered her undiagnosed ADHD, and then Autism, too late to save our relationship. This video is helping me to process what went wrong, and see a future where I can be in a healthy, loving relationship. Thank you guys, so much!
Thank you both for willing to be vulnerable, open & transparent. Although I'm sure it was challenging, it was definitely helpful! I just wish this conversation was longer. I think it would be beneficial to have a part two, where more of both of your thoughts, ideas & experiences are shared. (And if it's too personal, then additional hypothetical scenarios etc). Thanks again!
Thank you for this. As an AuDHDer married to an ADHDer, we need to have so many more conversations like this.
0:11 the sound of 1.42 million hearts breaking. :D
I was going to pass over this video but didn't. I am currently separated from my neurotypical wife and you and your partners experiences echo mine in oh so many ways. I'm 54 and wasn't diagnosed until in my 30's. Our relationship was only a couple of years old when I got the diagnosis. Now 20 ish years later, here we are. I take a long time to process and don't work without deadlines. Thank you for having the courage to do the video, may it help others and keep them from the edge of the abyss of despair where I am. It's a very scary place.