Narcissism And The Absence Of Integrity
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 ก.ย. 2024
- As they seek to be in control and as they willingly exploit others, narcissists pay the price of having low character. Dr. Les Carter explains how these individuals willingly sidestep the development of integrity as they give highest priority to their own entitlement at your expense.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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It can just about make you lose your mind. You live by standards and values. They live by tactical moves. Mentally speaking, gaslighting is the WORST one. ZERO INTEGRITY.
Go team healthy get on board for peace in your mind, i love this community, please have a heart, our Doctor has taught us maybe one of you, can wake up your narcissist, to save there life's, and get your heart on track, thank ya comments, thanks Doctor, i like Gus ,he is stuck to his Dad, bring us joy, Gus, stay on the couch, guard your Dad, you is the best doggie Gus
"tactical moves" Yes! You think you are relating, but they are doing tactics.
@@sage9836 Literally. I fall for it every time, because the “right thing to do” is get along with family.
My son & daughter in law tearing my heart apart . Using my granddaughters, keeping them from me, while showing such disrespect,disregarding my place of honor in their lives. Yet her parents told I am the problem. The torture is draining and humiliating. They moved to another state and it is so expensive for me to travel , they treat me horribly when I do. Single Mom of two adult Narcs .
Align with the *exhaustion. Yes, it gets **surreal, as well - depleting.
Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is watching - that internal compass, it's either you have it or you don't.
Precisely!
yes!!!! doing the right thing even when no one is watching (and not doing the right thing when no one is watching just so you can brag about it later!)
That’s precisely why it’s impossible for narcissists to have integrity- their entire existence hinges on whether someone is watching or not. How can someone with a false self have integrity? The existence of a false self is the antithesis to integrity!
Yep 👍
Well-said 💯 In contrast to that, they do something that looks good only when people are watching.😆
No morals. No values. No ethics. No Integrity. And they never will.
Loving them will not fix it. Nothing you do will fix it. Sadly I took too long to figure it out. Thank you Dr. Carter for all your help.
Same here. I'm still able to work. Got away from narcissit. I'm 😊
They will never accept the fact that they're wrong in any stretch of imagination. Everyone is wrong but them
Their refusal to take any accountability is infuriating! But not as infuriating as them playing the victim to top it off!
Me too Billy ray
I learn that the hard way
Waiting for this one. This was the first major red flag I experienced with the Covert Narc. I was so astounded at his unawareness of what he was doing it was staggering. I spent far too long trying to understand his behaviour.
At 50, shouldn't have to be dealing with an emotionally stunted fool.
Oh they are aware lol.
What happened, examples?
@@markjayw666
Yes. It took me quite some time to realise this. To re-phase....
I was astounded at their bare faced cheek at pretending how not to seem to understand the outragessness of their dodgy behaviour!
@@Nando_lifts2021
The first instance was discovering he'd had an ex affair partner round his house on his birthday. Giving him gifts and (he said) just turning up a year after breaking up.
I'd planned an expensive dining experience and evening for us both that night.
I found out much later & he played dumb. Saying she pushed him to accepting the gift and he didn't like to say no to her turning up unexpectedly at his house. He's so kind and thoughtful you see.
Turns out he is manipulative, knew I'd be busy all day and so he could get more fuel from any of his exes. Awful man. That was just the start.
Nothing was his fault, he was a quiet, kind man who had lots of compassion for people. So he kept telling me. 😂
Even after I'd discovered the awful affair he had (before he met me) but was still working closely with her.... He blamed it on his ex gf saying she stopped giving him sex, and the mistress seduced him. 😂😂😂😂
@@FirehorseG Oh they understand it. And after 20 fucking years my wife’s friends FINALLY understand she is nothing but a fucking liar
Narcissists just want to look good in public but behind closed doors they treat people horribly.
My narc dad cares about others, not me, hardly ever. He resents me for no reason. He's an asshole!
Lack of integrity is rampant and increasing in every part of society right now ... something is very wrong!
Ever studied ancient Rome?
Narcs / psychopaths above all want power. That's why you can disproportionally find them in, for example, politics, or as CEO's ....
Rome had a saying, Lex Rex. Law is king. They were highly authoritarian in their thinking.
Kate I know,where are people with morals? Are any even left anymore?
2 Timothy 3: 2-5. Too much self. Not enough God
Some of the most abrasive people I know are also the most dependable and some of the nicest people I know are the biggest snakes you’ll ever meet. Being nice has absolutely nothing to do with your integrity or character.
I so agree and I found out the hard way
Lies by omission...if you don't ask them the exact correct way...then they aren't lying. If you catch them in a lie....and you will....and you don't immediately kick them out of your life....you're giving them an implied "it's okay you lied" message
I just realized the facts. I am 70
I'm 71.
I read somewhere that evil is when someone does bad things behind the scenes but tries to come across as a nice and good person to the public. I really agree with that. There is something so sinister about that. It's easier to deal with people who are consistently mean all the time. At least you aren't the "only one who knows" and then to the outside world, you wind up looking like the crazy one because you are dealing with all the narc abuse that no one else knows about or believes. They're like, "So and so is such a nice person, they just gave this big donation to this charity. Aren't they great." Little does that person know that that same person just abused an elderly person or beat up their wife behind closed doors.
Yes! I’ve always thought that too. Give me someone who is always a jerk out loud and I can deal with that, because they’re consistent. The worst threats are the ones you don’t see coming. My N dad always hurt me the most when my guard slipped down. When I was ready for his worst, it wouldn’t come-he knew exactly when to strike to do the most damage.
I think the victims of narcissists can develop a sixth sense for which people seem great but are secretly cracked. It always comes out-even though it takes way too long for others to see it.
👆do you👆 want to have access to your partner calls,text message,and deleted conversation without their notice on all social media accounts or any other hacking stuff..
They buy “indulgences” to relieve themselves of their own guilt. One nice thing to erase a myriad of evil things they have done, but don’t you dare ask about the bad things! “After everything I have done for you!” 😅
@@rixatrix
Your n dad reminds me of my n hubs - kick em when they're down.
“You’re a shameless manipulator, and you’ve got no principles” were the last words I shot at a narc as our dealings together unravelled. I surprised myself when the absolutely true ‘no principles’ just came out of my mouth! Thx again Dr Les
Wiki says INTEGRITY is the practice of being honest and showing a consistent and uncompromising adherence to strong moral and ethical principles and values.
I think the only word in that definition that applies to a narcissist is the word "uncompromising."
Spot on 👍
I agree! Well said.
🎯 🎯 🎯
Wiki maybe never read the Existentialists!
So spot on! And the hardest part, when you know something is up, and you try to talk to friends and family. "Marriage is about compromise" I heard many times, and they think you aren't REALLY wording things the "right way" or compromising because, "you can get through to anyone". But covert narcs aren't a normal person, and they are truly uncompromising even when it is TOTALLY ILLOGICAL BEHAVIOUR. So you keep hanging in there. I spent 14 years compromising and compromising myself, for my covert narc of a husband (now ex) and my mental well being and health paid the price. Been free for almost 3 years now and my health and mental happiness is only on the up and up!
Narcissists have integrity and good character when everyone's watching. But in secret, they're robbing you blind every chance they get. When you finally figure it all out and no longer trust them, you're the bad person for not trusting them and nobody believes they actually have no integrity. At least, that's been my experience.
This is where narcissism really starts to overlap with things like cognitive distortions. A lot of offenders, particularly sex offenders, seem to suffer from cognitive distortions. A need to minimise, deny and justify what they've done.
@zeddeka hi im a recovering narcissist in Jesus Christ. I recently acknowledged my sins and i recognize my cognitive distortions. Can you give any advice on how to deal with them? I am working on my best to be truthful, sincere, honest, and transparent in many matters to avoid sinning.
Wow!! I have been studying narcissists for years and years now. Finally someone perfectly described my narcissistic mother, a beloved preacher's wife and Bible teacher and full blown Narcissist!! Thank you!!
Check out the video, How Religious Narcissists Will Gaslight You.
Narcissism in the clergy is about as high of a concentration as it gets.
My mother, also a preacher's wife, was so sanctimonious and judgemental...behind everyone's back. To their face, she was kind, attentive, and caring. She would criticize, emotionally manipulate, and abuse me and my siblings never complementing or praising us at home, and then brag about us to others. I grew up watching this hypocrisy in action every day. I hated it. We grew up walking on eggshells and desperately trying to please her. And my dad, the minister, was hardly ever home, but he would go behind her back to try and console us or give us some measure of unconditional love...he would never confront my mom though. What a mess.
@@inthehouse1960 sounds like my Dad, who was madly in love with and terrified of my Mom. He never stood up to her and as a minister I felt one of his greatest sins and failures was placing her opinion above God's and fearing her above God. The Lord has given me a special blessing the past nine years since my Mom passed in that I have been with my Dad caring for him and our relationship is stronger than ever. He will turn 90 in a few months. We ALL thought our Mom would definitely outlive him because she took such GREAT care of herself, had no vices and went to the doctor religiously. But cancer crept up on her and several doctors missed it until it was too late.
My Dad and I pray together daily, read books and devotionals etc. He has apologized for many things and we have talked about how toxic our family became. I feel he knows why but it's not something we are completely able to discuss honestly. I do feel that narcissists who have special privileges and favor because they have cloaked themselves with religion and portray themselves as representatives of God have an added judgement. It's complicated as you well know. I'm thankful you had a good father too who tried in his own way to undo as much damage as he could. My Mom did not damage my relationship with God, thankfully. I always knew she was not the real deal and somehow God protected me and ultimately delivered me from her darkness. God BLESS you!!!!! 🙏❤️🙌
@@inthehouse1960 My grandmother was the daughter of a preacher. I remember her basically calling my grandfather a narcissist--- in so many words. I told my aunt--- a psychiatric socialworker that grandpa was a narcissist--- waiting for an opportunity to say, "Well, that's what Nana said." 😁
My aunt never gave me the chance to finish.
Later in life, as we walked past my grandmother's brother's grave--- "He was a pedophile!" she told me secretly, "He used to fondle my privates at holidays!"
I much appreciate the women in my life who trusted me with such damaging information. As a master craftsman, along with great integrity, and sincere humility, I often lay opportunities for truth along the way. People love a good lie, but are terrified of the truth.
14:00 they see relationships as a COMPETITION.
Joy, 100% agree!!! Every Narc I have dealt with I felt like I was in "COMPETITION"
The word absence is key. It seems that most good things we seek in ourselves and others are absent w/ a Narcissist. Their moral ledger is always in the red.
And makes us feel Blue 😊
Hey, gurl. So true! They also tend to be green eyed & yellow bellied. We could dissect every color of the rainbow here.
@@istateyourname4710 Haha Absolutely 💯 🤣
I am not sure they have a moral ledger at all.
The lies are ridiculous. We all have our past sins. Coming into any relationship with the notion that we are sinless is a guide to failure. When the lies materialize all they have gained is a lack of trust which inevitably ends yet another relationship. Always start a relationship with honesty, no you do not have to undress / disclose everything, but the things you do reveal need to be truthful.
They are chaotic on the inside and outside. They create chaos on a level that nobody would believe, yet their family and work colleagues never see this side of them.
👆do you👆 want to have access to your partner calls,text message,and deleted conversation without their notice on all social media accounts or any other hacking stuff...
they seem to bring bad luck to your life I never had so many bad things happen to me since I met him ill health things broken jewelry disappearing cars smashed finacial problems
@@renaissance5300 Exactly! Me too.. Financial destruction and personal injuries.
Narcissists love “we” are sorry, not “I” am sorry. We made mistakes not I made them.
Right?! That just struck a nerve for me. After I had bent over backwards to help him while he gave me his ass to kiss, at the last moment he couldn't even muster an apology. He never apologized. "We are both stubborn people" "We are both very strong-willed" "this is why people like us should date down" "We both made mistakes".
Ugh, what a loon!
There’s no we in I. Unfortunately, my narc husband only says I when he’s talking about self. Never we, which is apart of team.
@@denicehaley9902 I am referring to apologies to mistakes made or lies uncovered. My wife wants to blame us, not herself.
I had actually stopped watching narcissist videos as I had put good space between myself and my ex (narcissist) but I sadly had to engage with her this week and now I'm back here again.
Healing comes in waves. Each time it will get better. All the best 🌻
The absence of communication and the tensions adding up constantly is the worst and they're hurtful, I have a parent who constantly tells me and people around me "I don't want to revisit the past with you" and everything that's more than a minute ago is not worth discussing, even violence or insults. But if I have done something years ago, it always comes up, and it's sometimes ridiculous and in reaction to my parent's abuse. These relations are pure poison and I have no idea how to keep my sanity honestly and I'm in my forties. There's no possible improvement and it is clearly said I often think how did I survive to this when I was a child?
Ultimately for me the path to peace was to stop feeling obligated to be with this type of person or even talk to them unless absolutely necessary. This has brought me peace and a bonus is no longer wasting time trying to understand them, they are birds of a different feather and life is better without them.
I could have written this exact same thing myself. I feel identical, things are identical to what you've written. Took getting seriously ill for the aha moment. The grief and pain that followed has been like a dam breaking. I'm in my 50's facing major surgery because of the abuse. It's very difficult BUT mentally it does get easier, get better and dr. C. And team healthy are the best. It's saved me and I love learning to be me. We can do it and we aren't alone we have each other ✌
@@ceeceethatsme9769 that's true, it's hard but that's what I'm trying to do as well. When youre empathetic and it's your fam it's difficult, doesn't come natural but dr. C. Has shown me that it's okay and right for us to care about ourselves and each other on team healthy ✌
@IA Even when you think they have changed be careful, in my case it was all a front. I did get better holding my ground and my boundaries, but I had just turned 40 and realized that I was still feeling like the “Crazy One”. Triangulation is the game my Mother loves to play ever since my childhood. All my siblings pitted against each other. On visits back (before I moved back to the area) I used to say to my siblings “united we can’t fail!” What I didn’t realize is that my siblings were uncomfortable with changing. They had incentives to stick around my parents. I went no contact 3 years ago, it has been hard. Harder still to live in the same area as them. So I have decided to move, to live my life with my partner for ourselves and our chosen family and friends.
@@Stolat79 I made that mistake I moved back close to my parent thinking they would change and were getting old and I'm stuck here. So I've been stupid yes. Triangulation is pure hell it has been the most hurtful to me and the worst thing is I've been going through this on both sides of the family. Some were evil enough to say amazing stuff on me to the people we have in common as if I were the one discarding them when they did during the pandemic. I got a sudden silence treatment and I don't understand. I've asked about my parent almost each day at their front desk for two years and they never opened the door. Then they did the smear campaign to the people in the neighborhood which means when I shop, anything, I meet someone who tells me how a bad daughter I've been. How cool is this ha :)
I understand that even trained clinicians can find it challenging to discern if a given person has a PERSONALITY disorder or a MOOD disorder. He may even have both.
Thats something I am starting to ponder on as well with the main narcs in my life. Way too many of their actions at this point are starting to look a bit too much like age related cognitive impairment issues or worse.
Perfectly defines someone I know. Such a disappointment to have know this person. I seriously question my ability to accurately judge people now. This person was a demon all along and it took me way too long to realize it.
It was a new chapter to learn, I hope you have. 😄
For 43 years….. w a sadistic vulnerable narcissist- leaves us with such wounds - I’m so behind on learning about this disorder. I believe it vacillates between everything from boarderline to phycopath - the lies and hiding is outrageous! Double standards are his way of saying “I’m special” my rules are of course different - the only apology I get comes after weeks and weeks of the silent treatment and even then it’s only because he needs something. Power posturing- even despite his own safety. He’ll ruin his own stuff just to make a point - they say they’ll help but then they sabotage the project. Control. The thing I dislike the most is when their is a family crisis no one’s fault he makes it out to be my fault and puts everyone against eachother. It’s all so black and white - winners or losers. Like it’s a game. I’m so sad about all of it. I truly gave it my all - I’ve been a keeper of secrets and all the abuse his secrets and vulnerabilities for four decades - it’s just all so sad. I tried to show him his value was not tied up in peoples opinion but Gods. That his worth was infinite in Gods eyes - but it was all just part of the game. So sad
I call it evil. Plain & Simple. I just recognize the narcs I've had the misfortune of getting to know are given over to evil. That has helped me tremendously to not expect anything different than what I now know to expect 100%. That way on those rare occasions when they're not then it's a pleasant surprise. Although there's undoubtedly a very selfish motive behind those rare moments of the narc not behaving in an evil manner, I no-longer waste my time trying to figure out why or what's going on with them. A narc is a narc. The ones who I'm not able extricate myself from (yet) can be counted on for being their evil selves.
@@Survivin2Thrivin thank you! The last time when the big boundary was crossed and rage gave way to being physically hurt his eyes went black and there was this sadistic smile on his face i remember thinking this really isn’t even him this looks for lack of a better term - evil and satanic even. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it or get over it. The injury healed but that look on his face will haunt me.
It's not just their lack of integrity that is the problem it's their disdain for those that do. If you are an honest person and they lie all the time it's the same problem just constant manipulation and denial I am sick of analyzing them though even the narcissist I never knew until a few years ago but I do recognize lies and selfishness and abuse. I'm not a codependent type person either which I think they must be.
Hi Team Healthy, how many of you are as grateful for Dr Carter valuable wisdom and guidance as I am. 🖐️😀 If I hadn’t learned what was really going on in this situation I don’t think I’d be doing this great again ,but 😊 with the help of our Team leader and the truth Dr C shows us, I am being set free.🤔😃👍
On going growth; commitment; kindness; consideration; goodness; fairness; Integrity; investment; love.
Glad Gus gets to hear this too! Gus is always a beautiful sight to see. Very heartwarming 😊. This is I think the key for all of us to remember. I think we need to be aware and look for examples of integrity. Perhaps just looking for red flags is not enough. My grandmother always taught me that the most important thing is to have your word be your bond. When I left narcissistic parents, my grandmother agreed to raise me. Through Dr. Carter I have finally found a healthy relationship filled with integrity after two narcissistic marriages. This man is kind, trustworthy, honest, thoughtful and transparent. He is not fear based and is interested in living in goodness and in the will of God.
Great thoughts, Diana. And thanks for the good vibes too!
It's really sad how the ones on the receiving end of this horrible life with narcissists have to seek therapy......the natc was highly reccomended by a court to seek anger management and just simply refused. That's the kind of stuff people don't get to hear about.
Thank you Dr Carter.
That sounds like the one I am dealing with. They demand to see every aspect of my personal records of all my life even when they do not exist. Yet will not turn over a single document of theirs to the court they fully admit they have and have even claimed proves them right and me wrong.
As things stand they started out by showing documentation, until it started getting used to prove they were lying about what happened when where, and how. After that, it's just been empty claims and a whole lot of ignored legal requests. (I rather hope it stays that way to be fair.)
That's something they would never admit. Their self esteem is irreparable, and they will fight to the death to resist any culpability in anything they screwed up.
@@bonsaileo9555 That's what it feels like with mine as well. They started all of this, not me. Their whole story is that I am the bad guy suing them even though I am the defendant, not the plaintiff.
Yeah, the irritability and impatience they have is off the charts. And even if everything is going their way, you can sense it right under the surface. They also lie pathological which in itself isn't ethical. Yes, and the dismissiveness is so obnoxious. Yes, they'll do or say anything to remain in the controlling position. I like the line, "Good character and integrity simply cannot be faked." So true. Thanks for this video. It's great to have this channel to help counteract all the gaslighting and abuse that are rained down on us by our (ick) narcs.
👆do you👆 want to have access to your partner calls,text message,and deleted conversation without their notice on all social media accounts or any other hacking stuff..
Was gaslit just yesterday. Told me I'm wrong about something I KNOW they said. Trying to make me question my own sanity. Every day is a struggle. O
I've begged God for a breakthrough so I can leave
Integrity comes hand in hand with honesty and civility. So, seeing as they don't like anyone holding their hand, they possess none of those qualities 🤷♂️
I won't be at the Premier and Chat today. I'm put in short appearance at my 5yr old granddaughters birthday party 🎉 Catch yer later. 😊
Those are words truly spoken Amanda 🎸
@@amandaliverpool3374 .. happy Birthday to her🎉❤🎂
Have fun, Amanda. That's such a great age!! My little Lorelei turns 5 in early July.
@@texaspatty458 Thank-you. She is sweet ❤
It amazes me how they have selective amnesia and expect many of their victims to forgive and forget because hey a lot of times they forget. I forgive but I don't reconcile.
👆do you👆 want to have access to your partner calls,text message,and deleted conversation without their notice on all social media accounts or any other hacking stuff.
My narc died a year ago, after 10 years of no-contact on my part, and STILL this video really triggers me. Every word you speak here describes 30 years of "friendship" with a person who treated me like a patsy Every. Single. Time.
Hope you've got nice connections now, or, at least have found some peace of mind and self confidence. Yeah hard to get that spank so many different angles. A bottomless bag of tricks. Not used to being hard-nosed, and always wanted peace, now I'm all about Hell no. 🤝 Luck! 🕊️
@D Witte, the fact that you are being triggered shows that there are still wounds that have not been healed. No-contact does not automatically heal. Maybe you take this trigger as an opportunity to go deeper again. All the best 🌻
@@TickleMeElmo. I'm aware of the abiding wounds. I have appropriate support, and Channels like this one have been enormously helpful to understanding what's really going on.
I think that triggering is us realizing how badly we allowed ourselves to be duped and how much time and effort we wasted on that relationship. It's okay, it's over, no use dwelling on it. I'm not just a survivor, I'm a thriver and refuse to play a damaged victim. And I live on with a great sense of gratitude and joy each day. This is my mantra! (And a little bit of wicked satisfaction watching the narcissist gradually self-destruct. 😊 They always do eventually!)
Basically, they could win an Academy Award for their acting????
so true
😂😂😂
Lol
Super strong man, with a wife that is NARCISSIST can bring him down to his knees and control him to a point he just feels he can't make it on his own, when he is the only one with a income, but thats how much control they can have
I am so sorry you are going through this. You are in the devalue stage. She’s devaluing you. Next is the discard stage, where she discards you. If I were you, I’d beat her to it and discard her. Otherwise, she’ll belittle you until she decides to leave.
The moods of Narcissists are anchored in a lack of character or differently said, Narcissists have an absence of an insistent integrity. With their lack of integrity they want you to think that they have good character but good character and integrity cannot be faked.
Integrity can be determined by having standards, ethics, values to live by and then you live into those standards.
Narcissists instead have the two different faces, one for the performance in public and the other hidden behind closed doors. Honesty comes and goes with them.
"Integrity" means for Narcissists:
1. As long as they are getting what they want
in the moment
2. It is all about their agenda
3. What you don't know, won't hurt
(lots of secrets)
4. They hold many double standards
(one for you and a different one for
themselves)
5. Willing to sabotage a friend or ally
6. Not concerned about the hurt they generate
(lack of empathy)
7. At best, apologies still have a hook
(lack of conscience)
8. They carry inward agitation and annoyance
9. Power and dominance is their theme,
not love
10. To them, relationships are a competition
11. Being in control, but not being trustworthy
Character leads to growth and accountability:
》committed to kindness and goodness
》no need to demean or belittle
》honesty makes sense
》morality and ethics are no obligations
》internally & externally consistent
》secrecy is not the right way to go
》humility, not egotism, is the way to go
》respect is a consistent trait
》you like investing in other individuals
》constantly in an updating mode
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶, thank you for another insightful lesson 🌞🌟🌝
This perfectly describes the relationship with my wife. Power and control are ALL that matter to her. Humility and empathy are foreign concepts to her.
Get rid of her
Your best move is to get out. Good Luck to you!
I left my covert narc of a husband, after 14 years of marriage. I have to ask you... if your mental health is suffering and your physical body is suffering (illness, lack of sleep, eating problems, digestive problems, feel weak, anxious, in pain, nervous to go home etc) then getting out of that marriage is LITERALLY healing. It's not an easy journey out, but the reward afterwards is incredible.
@@KingKogi sounds like living with my covert your discription
@@KingKogi I’m going through all these symptoms you described. Just filed for divorce so still have a long way to go to finally be free.
I honestly believe there are certain words if asked what the meaning of them are, most narcissists would not be able to define them without maybe googling them. And even then I think most would be too lazy to google. Integrity is one of those words.
(edited for typos)
Narcissists have the strangest relationship with words.
I have a feeling they are so convinced of their own interpretation, that they would double down on disbelieving google.
@@aaronkwolfe Or self gaslighting into believing their own interpretation then gaslighting others 🤔
@@sage9836 They arrange them to suit themselves.
They'd start the sentence with 'I Always have integrity '
They practice just enough integrity to convince themselves that they are models there-of.
......you know, like we do.
Yep! Before they lie to you, they lie to themselves.
It's a painful way to live. Some of us are dealing with family members or partners. Either way, the behavior of these people have left scars. I always admire those who have taken steps to walk away, realizing the damage it has done. It took me years of putting up with the threats and accusations. I finally got to the point where it was making me physically sick. I don't want anyone to have to go through that. Now, I take care of my own needs. When I started to research this and get help, I found out that I wasn't angry with them as much as I was wanting to get healthy and find my way into a healthier life where I could actually love me for just being me. Anyway...I hope you all find peace in whatever way it works for you.
Knowing that I will answer to my creator helps me keep my integrity in all situations. ☺️
👆do you👆 want to have access to your partner calls,text message,and deleted conversation without their notice on all social media accounts or any other hacking stuff.
Same. Knowing I have a higher calling and a higher purpose and will surrender my soul to my creator one day keeps me in check so I don't get caught up in bitterness, resentment or vindication.
It's as if every decent or noble or genuine principle, value, integrity, ethics, truth, compassion, trust that most people at least TRY to operate by or adhere to, etc. were turned 180 deg. OPPOSITE by a narcissist.
This was such a good one. It would make my head spin how he made such a big song and dance about how he was such a superior friend, and how he alone knows the true meaning of love and friendship and how everyone else was just phony and fake. Meanwhile, I've never heard someone speak so badly about their so called friends. Was always using others and only being helpful if it benefited him.
My mom as a child learned Integrity from her mom. She shared an experience with me & my brothers. My mom as a child, her younger sister and her mom were on a hike in the countryside. They stopped to eat their picnic lunch in a scruffy field with a mysterious abandoned or nearly abandoned church. Mom spied a window was not locked. "Norma (her sister), let's shinny up, raise the window and explore the old church!" "No," said her mom, my grandma. "But no one will ever know!" objected my mom. "You will know," replied her mom.
Mom spied a window was not locked. "Norma (her sister), let's shinny up, raise the window and explore the old church!" "No," said her mom, my grandma. "But no one will ever know!" objected my mom. "You will know," replied her mom.
I always test people. A 20 dollar lose is nothing if it means identifying a narcissit
I'm guessing you made a bet with a narcissist and they showed you that losing isn't something that they can handle and you gave them the $20 just to see the way they react? I know it was a show, lol
Correct they are nasty people. I isolate from most people.rather be alone
They're filled with excuses,I can't trust my husband narc. He's constantly lying.I do see a lot of competition in him as well
👆do you👆 want to have access to your partner calls,text message,and deleted conversation without their notice on all social media accounts or any other hacking stuff.
Great topic. I echo everything said. From what I've learned about these individuals, they create scenarios to showcase their "good" traits to an audience while simultaneously degrading another person with truly good integrity. And when the curtains are closed, they go back to their nasty self. I applaud those who have made a turning point in their life and are at least trying to be a person of integrity.
True. The need for a scapegoat😢
It is so validating to hear a trained knowledgeable professional whom I have never met, direct quote things I have said to my person. Thank you for helping to save my sanity.
In other words, you're not just making this up!
@@SurvivingNarcissism exactly.
10:00 integrity. What you see is what you get. Honest core VALUES. Egotism in not how to go. Be HUMBLE not a bragger.
😢Ouch... I've been getting a WHOLE LOT of truth bombs lately. BUT: Thanks be to God 🙌 He has come to Save us FROM OURSELVES 💕
As Winston Wolf pointed out in Pulp Fiction, "Just because you are a character doesn't mean you have character."
The lies...My sister told me she needed power of attorney to obtain home care for our mother. I knew she didn't because I had already phoned the company. Then she said she needed power of attorney to get a medical alarm (neck) for our mother. I knew that was a lie, too. Then when Mom died she made all the funeral arrangement and I wasn't allowed any input at all. She said graveside service, no luncheon. Then after the service some unknown woman comes up to me and says "So, are you coming to the luncheon?" I was not invited to my own mother's funeral reception!!!! I can't process how much she hated me and how much she lied to me.
👆do you👆 want to have access to your partner calls,text message,and deleted conversation without their notice on all social media accounts or any other hacking stuff.
I’m thinking your sister is my sister! The anger and hatred my sister has towards me is shocking! My Mother passed away too, and now I’m going to go “no contact”. I’ve lived with my sister’s antics re my Mother for the last 11 1/2 years and I’m done!
I HAVE to keep secrets from my narc, anything I say can and will be used against me.
Mood Disorder vs. Character Disorder ----- Absence of Integrity.
I let my daughter and my family get away with hurting me for too long, way too long.
Thank you for explaining this. I am working very hard on forgiving myself for past mistakes. I look back on those mistakes, mostly in the form of flashbacks, and feel really bad about what I've done. I have been wondering if I used to be a narcissist. My therapist tells me it's the CPTSD and if I were a narcissist, I wouldn't be feeling bad about anything I did, nor would I be so self examining and working so long and hard on not being who I used to be. I've come a long ways, but still have so far to go. At least I like who I am now.
Mystery Grey my thoughts exactly!!!
You're not alone Mystery Grey. We're all a work in progress. Your self-reflection shows how different you are from a narcissist.
@@seven2025 🥰
I want you to know that my best friend and I who were both raised by narcissists have both felt this too. “Am I the narcissist??” I think it’s a very common symptom of narcissistic abuse. You’re so used to everything being your fault, your failings, that you always look for your part in things. And in a healthy relationship, this is super mature. But narcissists use that feeling against you.
It always helped me to hear about the patterns of thinking other victims of narcissistic abuse fell into. Because it made me realize I was normal, and these are the predictable effects of a specific kind of abuse. I hope sharing the above helps you too-we’ve all thought it, and that means it’s just old programming. Be gentle with yourself.
@@rixatrix thank you 😊
If you are not fixed in your own morals they even try to get you to compromise, as long they will gain in some way out of the situation or transaction you are doing.
Good morning team healthy!
Good morning, Fred!!
Sadly, they are just an image, all talk and not enough weight to support it. At the end, I was disenchanted by the reality of deceit. As long as they look good, it doesn't matter how they can damage another.
Public veneer and behind-the-scenes veneer... yes. Exactly. And everything is a financial transaction.
I asked her about showing kindness and gentleness. her response? scoffs "kindness?!!! gentleness?!!!" and to think she's a devout Christian. what a fake.
thanks, Dr. Carter
This talk is SO spot on Dr.C, you just have a way of perfectly describing so many of our personal lives, validating that we didn't make it up, and then helping us understand how we can move forward and heal. Thanks so much!
You are quite welcome
Narcissists have intent without integrity or remorse. Very sad way to live in my opinion. I would not be able to sleep at night but them seem to sleep well. Thank you again doctor.
👆do you👆 want to have access to your partner calls,text message,and deleted conversation without their notice on all social media accounts or any other hacking stuff.
🤗🤗🤗 APPLAUSE APPLAUSE
Thank you Dr C-hi sweet Gus❤
Thanks, and Gus says thanks too!
They don't apologize or if they so they try to blame too😂
It's hard to have boundaries when that person keeps hacking your social media accts, phone and computer. They do not have any integrity. With normal people we can admit to mistakes and can own them.
👆do you👆 want to have access to your partner calls,text message,and deleted conversation without their notice on all social media accounts or any other hacking stuff.
Narcissists are so very insecure. They don't seem to know how much it shows.
So true!
I'm usually wordy, but today just simply, thank you.
I'm now dealing with someone who apparently has been lying about many things, even stupid little things, all along. Things that are bound to be exposed. Thanks to your work, Dr. C, I have information about why he may be that way. Excuses and reasons upon excuses and reasons. Still I'm so surprised. And, still, understand as I may, no, he may NOT be as he is, AND be around me.
Thank you Dr. C ♥️🙏🔥
Beautiful day and weekend for you and everybody!!
✌️😉✌️
Ever been invited to a party to be purposefully ignored by the host? What happens over the years with these people is that they know you've been a witness to their worst behavior. So they need to discredit you to the new people in their lives.
Yes! It was so confusing. And you can see their irritation rising if you strike up a conversation with someone else. They usually jump in with something negative to try to make you look stupid to the other person.
@@TheLiquidCat Adults with the emotional mindsets of seven year olds.
You are describing a relationship I had with someone whom I trusted my kids around. They mirror me and my words, but are really manipulating. I use to trust that the more women and men who love my kids the better. They are people who only love themselves. They will not resolve anything or make it right. Lie till they die. Their abuse will go from one person to another over and over and over again.
Integrity isn’t about being nice. It’s about doing what you say you’re going to do and honoring your commitments it also means honoring your word. If you say you’re going to be somewhere at a certain time you show up and you show up on time. Your actions are aligned with your words you’re dependable and responsible. That’s more valuable to me than how nice you are but you can’t show up and honor your commitments if you can’t honor your word you’re worth nothing.
That would be - narcissism well- done!
05:25 Five years and I’ve NEVER heard those 2 words from her. Absolutely wild.
12:00 - 12:25 Wise words!
A character disorder caused by a lack of integrity. Dr. C you are the best.
What is first...the chicken or the egg?
Hi Dr Carter Gus and Team Healthy
Hi Stacy!
I love confronting these videos, since narcissism is something suspiciously popular & prevalent amongst modern 2023 society. I hope one day that healing these people can proliferate into the minds of everyone on Earth soon.
Getting what they want is justification to them.
You outdid yourself again on this one. Most excellent. Watched once. Watched again, & wrote 2 pages of notes, to review & remind. Thanks for the check up, Dr. C! ❤
So pleased!!
He would say "sorry" but could never say what he was sorry for...he'd keep doing what he seemed to say sorry for, I'd say you do know what sorry means, he didn't...I said it means I won't do that again ... nothing changed
Truth will-out.🎉
Dealing with a narcissistic landlord who feels entitled to control me because she thinks I “owe her” for housing. She snooped and knows I earn a poverty level and receive financial aid… I’ve told her I’m focused on my goal to go back to school to get a better job, that I’m in therapy (like, when I’m not working that’s what I’m doing,) and she still feels entitled to my privacy/to keep tabs and blew a fuse when I stopped responding to her asking me at least 3x’s a week “are you working today?” Or “are you home?”
Your videos have really helped me understand her and feel less insane.
She’s 50 I’m 30 and she treats me like I’m a child. She will blow a fuse and threaten me over the most minor things, like my ride ringing the doorbell to take me to work which makes the dog bark, (even though we get up at the same time ,) or crumbs on the counter. Every mild mistake I make she says I am “disrespectful” while actually being pretty damn disrespectful to me (patronizing and belittling me and threatening me, instead of just communicating kindly. )
All of your videos about power and entitlement are her to a T. Thank you for your insights .
You and dr Ramani are the real VIP.
Lorelle you are better than me because I would put her in her place
👆do you👆 want to have access to your partner calls,text message,and deleted conversation without their notice on all social media accounts or any other hacking stuff..
I know these kind of people. It's chocking how much they check up upon you. Like they had the right? I'm treating them better than they do with me. But I'm looking for something else now.
She wants to know if you are gone so she can go through your things. I hope you have a camera in your room.
@@joshuaanzalone2060 engaging just makes it worse… when you’re vulnerable, it’s not as easy as putting someone in their place, which is what made it so infuriating. I moved a week ago. She threatened bullied and harassed me CONSTANTLY. I want to put her in her place… my therapist said not to because I may need her as a reference… for what, housing?? She owned the home, claimed I didn’t even have a lease, etc… I may go off on her, just so I don’t have to internalize shit. My therapist advice me strongly against going off on her but that’s been my desire to put her in her place and call her out the second I got out… now that I have… I want to so bad .
Coming to terms with love may be a way to look at it. We matched at a time of limited development and awareness, seemingly a perfect fit. Then somebody took a breath and threw it all off balance! If we accept this blessing, there is an opportunity to explore what attracted us so powerfully. And finally, we will have something to give others: the difference between our hoped-for love and the Perfect Love that was in us all along, as we painfully removed the obstacles to love and discarded all but the essential. If we do this work, with or without our partner, we can become a safe place for others, from any comfortable distance.
Dr. Carter, Thank you so much for your videos they are so uplifting to me. You have helped me see what are confused broken person I married to. It took me a long time to figure out what was going on and I felt like I almost lost my sanity you dear friend or wealth of information thank you so much for your videos.
U tried to ignore these traits thinking it was a once in awhile thing until i noticed this is the way he lives his life. Couldnt be apart of that and would get mad at me saying "you never support me in anything".making me feel guilty for having my own standards
Thank you dr Carter❤ your wisdom, common sense and integrity are a great source of inspiration for me. I am so grateful for having found your channel. God bless you❤
Thank you for addressing the other side of the relationship - meaning, where is my part in all of this!?
I was left so confused about who I was and what I stood for and spent the past 5+ years learning, growing and becoming whole again. Peace is everything❤
Your videos are helpful. Thank you. Some questions: I've known people who are very cruel in private but extremely charming in public and maintain these traits for years. They appear to be two very different individuals locked in the same body. You mentioned the truth of their lack of character will come out eventually. However, these specific people have been able to maintain duality without outsiders catching on. Does that mean that those who accept the fake goodness of these people are themselves lacking discernment? Or are they too self-involved to see the pain these people cause to their victims? Or is it something else entirely. I realize you don't have time to answer personally, but maybe you could consider making a video about these issues sometime? Thank you for your time.
This is so right on! That's why they often have double lives, or big parts hidden, so they can do the things they want without mentioning any of it to their partner, despite how heartbreaking it is for the partner when the double life is revealed.
Well said. Thanks for another informative video. I have suspected for a very long time that there is something wrong with two individuals in my life (thankfully not family). One of them I knew since when we were 16 years old and he was already like this - and did not change a bit now that he is almost 30. But only during the last two years I was able to put a name on what is wrong and that slow realization actually brought me peace - not disappointment or anger like one might expect. Your videos also played part in this process, so thank you, your content is much appreciated.
Dear Dr Carter, I would like to hear about "green flags" in relationships of all kinds. Then, for people with small or maybe no relevant social supporting circle, how to build healthy bounds with yourself, how you wisesttly chose your values and manage to live a somewhat balanced life in a community, where you don't find closest friends.
*Healthy bonds with yourself (ed's not working)
Pay attention to what people are doing, not just what they say. With people of integrity, words and deeds match. Otherwise, listen to your gut feeling. If the first thought is that something is wrong with a person, then your feeling is usually right. Only the mind relativizes and downplays bad behavior of others because of our conditioning.
In addition, question your own beliefs. As an example, have you been conditioned to have to please others in order to be valuable? Pay attention to your own behavior and question your own actions. WHY are you doing something? For yourself or for others? Try to get to the point where you do things for yourself instead of for others. A "no" to others is a "yes" to you. Don't be afraid to set boundaries. Anyone who genuinely likes you and is interested in connecting with you will show you in a healthy, respectful way. Learn that being alone or having few contacts gives you the chance to accept and love yourself first and find peace on the inside that you will then attract on the outside. All the best 🌻
They definitely do not care
Thanks again
If you have integrity, a narc will immediately set about to destroy that. Right along with any source of confidence , they will destroy your self esteem so they can replace it with soul sucking evil.
Sometimes integrity requires that you publicly get in their face and call them out. Which brings us to the vindictive section of today's show.
Spot on! 🎯💜
My narcissistic friend, from whom I recently politely terminated my relationship by asking not to send me messages, she doesn't yet stop sending them. Not sure when and how she would get in her head that I am not interested in keeping this relationship. She continues to send me messages even when I don't respond. Such nasty people.
The messages will probably diminish and eventually increase again as they circulate back to their victims like orbiters. I went no-contact in 2021 and have been bombarded with calls for two years. Despite blocking, all calls were listed in the router settings. That's why I recently changed phone numbers. Door closed. Problem solved. All the best 🌻
You hit the nail on its head with regards to respect and integrity. When this is within you, it is shown to others in a genuine way. I feel so blessed that I was brought up with these values to manifest towards other people. This comes naturally. Being exposed to this narcissistic individual has given me a more profound understanding of respect and integrity that I need to manifest. Listening to all these educational messages makes me very disappointed in this person. Time is a healer and never will I be able to trust him again. Thanks
You are quite welcome.