Unmasking Narcissistic Fathers: 8 Traits Exposed
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 11 พ.ค. 2024
- Cope with your BPD symptoms using my BPD Card Deck: The BPD Card Deck: 50 Ways to Balance Emotions and Live Well with Borderline Personality Disorder. Available at: www.shorturl.at/jBHJV
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If you have a father who exhibits any of these traits, it can be really tough to deal with. But don't worry - there's help available! In this video, I'll share with you how to identify and manage narcissistic behaviour in your father, so you can live a more healthy and balanced life. Some tendencies and differences in fathers as opposed to mothers. Nothing is 100%, so I’m going to point out the tendencies and behaviors you’re likely to see and experience from narcissistic fathers.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
The BPD Card Deck: 50 Ways to Balance Emotions and Live Well with Borderline Personality Disorder. Available at: www.shorturl.at/jBHJV
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
rb.gy/hdyqyy
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: tinyurl.com/2anv8dww
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
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00:00 Introduction
01:25 When he makes fun of you
02:23 Compliments with strings attached
03:11 Anger outbursts
04:44 When dad brags about himself
05:39 Love bombing
07:18 Parental alienation
08:45 Avoids events not about him
10:18 He cannot take feedback
“I’ll give you something to cry about” - my dad whenever I cried
Mine too after he called me names/belittled me or choked me...
Mine told me I was manipulating HIM by crying while he was on a tirade.
Exactly!
So relatable. He showed me from a young age that he was not a safe person to express emotion around. :(
Same
Big strong hugs for the daughters of such fathers.We will make it❤
Believe it or not, Narcissistic fathers actually impact their sons too.
Oh my God apparently they get worst with âge. I feel so sorry for my daughter that I fell in her narc father's trap 😢 a life long torture 😮 that's so sad 🙏 how could she avoid any more struggle with him ? Any advices for a 15 years old ?
it does get worse when they age. i am now at an impasse with them and am considering in sending both arc parents to the home for the aged. it will probably be better for all of us. i don't talk to them thsough they live in my house.
@@James-Johnson313She was most likely talking about her own personal experience. Believe it or not, everything on the internet doesn't have to be specifically relatable to you.
@@pratriciadewan7396 very interesting that you have an issue saying men are victims too.
What is extremely difficult to deal with is when the narcissistic parent appropriates and hoards or spend resources all on themselves at the expense of the children's very real needs. And to add insult to injury, the narcissist lies about it to everyone.
they are not narcissits they just never bumped with their had into a problem
Yep, I was severely medically neglected as he told me we were struggling with money while he constantly spent money on unnecessary expensive luxuries like wine tours and international vacations
… and doesn’t even notice thinking to have provided the best always.
@@SophiesticateduhhuhI’ve been there too.
Then you end up caring for them when they are old after they spent or gave away all their money
What hurt me most as a teen was seeing my father belittling my mom and not being able to do anything about it. She told me not to intervene because otherwise he would accuse her of bringing me up against him.
Manipulation was intense growing up for me as well
Sounds like your mom was trying to mold your dad to be a certain way and your dad didn't want to be molded so he started to manipulate your mom
I still feel the helplessness and shame and misery.
@@melinaburkhardt421 This is a true statement
Very sad.
My father never changed. He has always been psychologically abusive. At the age of 94 he still plays to shame and belittle his children. I had to reframe who he is. Had to see him as a distant relative or a visitor. A father just doesn’t treat you that way.
As the only child (adult) scapegoat of my 84 year old narcissistic father I can tell you he gets meaner and more conniving as he ages
@@rachelspeck1230 I’m sorry to hear that.
Scapegoat caring for narc father because golden kids dumped him after one got all the money. Very irritating
@daisycocoa2557 this isn't funny but the terminology you used is. 😂
Dad's in his 80s, his flying monkey girlfriend said to me(her opinion was unasked for) "He's always been this way, he won't change" He's mostly arrogant, that he can waste my time and not be called on. Even if I call him on it, he is dismissive, controlling, sarcastic. He's pathetic, she's not any better. Strangers treat me better, he nitpicks at me. I've had more than enough of his b.s.
1. He made/makes fun of you.
2. He only compliments you in public.
3. He explodes with anger if you show any weakness in public.
4. He only calls you to brag about himself.
5. He uses love bombing to win affection. No gifts come without strings attached, even if it’s garbage.
6. He belittles you in front of your partner or children.
7. He finds reasons to avoid attending events that focus on another’s success.
8. He cannot take constructive feedback.
You might want to add she to this.
@@user-ho4kb6bj8f "Unmasking Narcissistic FATHERS" is the title. It is about fathers, not parents.
Add to that will almost always ruin special occasions, make up lies to get your attention on your birthday and start arguments with others at your birthday.. makes me dread having a birthday
my narc sperm donor often would mock me and belittle me in front of others and pass it off as a "joke"
My father was a West Point graduate and a narcissist (diagnosed by a therapist). He was physically strong, incredibly intelligent and a rager. It was impossible for me as his daughter. He was my boss. I had a terrible upbringing with him and I am still recovering to this day and I’m almost 65.
Similar story for me, Dad was West point grad and diagnosed narcissistic in therapy after it came out he was cheating on my mom for my whole life
@@TheWTFMatt Oh my God. What an amazing coincidence.
Growing up with a narcissistic father, being the scapegoat, and then working through all the dysregulation involved, I can tell you... it's a long journey and you'll always have to be mindful, but it's 100% possible to be free of the pain and confusion. Dr. Fox is an incredible man and a blessing to the world
My father does every single one, oof, I’m glad I cut him off but grieving that relationship is so painful
cutting those ties can be tough
I’m there and yes it hurts and won’t stop
Dinner conversations turns into a one man monolog, and no one better interrupt him.
Both of my parents are/were narcissists. I'm the scapegoat. I'm my mother's primary caregiver to this day. My father died 20 years ago and people were, and still are, shocked when they hear I was relieved when he died.
It's tough dealing with toxic family dynamics. Remember to prioritize your own well-being in all this.
My adoptive dad died nearly three years ago and I’m relieved, too! I still feel pissed off at him sometimes but our lives have much less random and unnecessary chaos in them, now. I mean, he did help me with some things, too, so wasn’t 100% terrible, but I don’t miss him or his parents at all.
Here's one that was missing: exploits children as his psychotherapist while not going to therapy.
My father loved dressing up and parading me around in front of his friends. He would buy me an expensive gift after a big fight. I had to remove him from my life when I became so angry with him that I wanted to hurt him in the worst way possible.
Man did you ever hit the nail on the head when you said “The sooner you can recognize it and create insulation from it the better.” The moment your videos helped me see I have a narcissistic father, was the moment I began to heal.
My ex would only go to our kids' events when his family or associates were there to watch him be a proud father. If there was no audience, he would either act put out and bothered or he just wouldn't show up at all.
Same
😢
This is priceless 🎉 my dad only goes any where he can get an audience of people he knows to do with him to play the part … and relentlessly take the piss and put me down with “humor “ at my expense .
Bit of a sad wanker really
I'd say in front of everyone, "oh dad...how nice of you to show up only when so and so are here".
@@island661 😂
My husband and I had an agreement that he would spend every other Friday (his extra days off) with our son to do father/son activities beginning when he was in the 2nd grade. The first Friday, he took him to a kid's movie. That's what my son wanted to do. My husband never spent another day with my son. He claimed HE didn't want to do kid things, that this was HIS day off and he would spend it what HE wanted to do. I ended up teaching my son how to ride a bike, how to throw and catch a ball, etc. I told my husband he would regret it later in life. Well, my son is 30 now. My husband complains that my son doesn't call HIS phone, "why does he always call you". I told him, it's karma. You get what you give. Now he tries to be sickeningly sweet to the point of total fakery. He couldn't hide it long. His ballgame came on when my son came to visit last month. Without a word to us, he disappeared to the back bedroom to watch HIS game. My son asked me where he was. After 30 mins, my son announced he was leaving. My husband comes out of the room and has the nerve to say, "Why are you leaving so soon." I can't stand him any longer and we've been married 33 yrs. You see he convinced me I didn't need to work, he didn't like my friends and therefore they weren't welcome in our home, he doesn't want me talking to my sisters. I'm stuck because of financial reasons and I could kick myself for giving away my power. My life sucks and I am full of regret and now suffering from anxiety and a bundle of health issues. Wish I would've left way back then instead of going along to get along.
Leave him. He needs to support you so don’t give away thrr Ed rest of your life for stuff.
dgator3599 I swear I was married to your hubby! I stopped caring & once I did the anxiety went away. I stopped defending myself, stopped trying to make him feel better, stopped expecting anything from him or wishing things would be better. When he put me down I'd say I am sure you are right & walked away. When he complained and ranted I said nothing, or I'm not sure I can help you with that & walked away. Get out of that house, go to the library, church, take a walk, ride a bike, volunteer, take up a craft. Reclaim yourself in baby steps
@dgator3599 you can get on the job training as a dialysis tech or look into Dental assistaing training
Let these comments be a warning to others...Never ever sacrifice your kids childhood because of money. This also goes back to choosing the proper man to have a child with. People show you who they are. You just need to pay attention to the signs. To have to make an agreement as a child's father to spend time with his son is completely asinine. He is SUPPOSED to spend time with his son! Yes the father was a joke...the mother didn't have to tolerate it due to some financial excuse.
I remember being grammar school age, and any compassionate parent would understand how little ones can be overly stimulated due to being tired, well, my ignorant dad kept threatening to, “give me something to cry for,” because I was tired and had fallen asleep in the car coming home and started crying while waking up. I didn’t know why I was crying. Even now I can see and hear his threatenings. He’s now dead and ✌🏽 bye! 😂
Dad expected me to be an adult when I was a child. Surreal!
As a son who ended up gay (47) with a dad who is was a blue collar, scary, biker General Motors production line worker in the gritty rust belt city of Flint, Michigan (now 73)
I can say he’s changed some, his edges have been rounded off some after decades of becoming worn down by age and the losses that come with over 7 decades of life.
He still has that superficial charm that the outside public loves, and eats up right out of his hand, while those who never experienced who he was behind closed doors, have zero clue about, and would be appalled if they ever saw.
As a kid, so many traits this video talks about were spot on, and worse.
There was nobody ever who destroyed my sense of self-worth, and permanently made sure I’d live my entire life without experiencing what it feels like to have self-love and confidence.
I still struggle every day as a near 50 year old man with believing I have any redeeming qualities, or anything to offer that others desire enough to make me anything other than utterly unremarkable and easily disposable.
You had two options with my dad growing up- best case scenario was to remain invisible to him, where you’d be utterly ignored, you were just background noise that required occasional feeding, never getting any validation, love, or inclusion into his time or life- and the other alternative, which you DID NOT want- was when you made the mistake of forcing him to acknowledge your existence, via needing some form of correction or guidance- and that situation was where the rage came out, and you’d become a punching bag, both literally, and the worst- emotionally and psychologically.
As an adult, that’s no longer the case of course- he is now mostly alone, and while he will not discuss or acknowledge he ever did anything wrong, he is now kind and jovial toward me, as he knows deep down I am one of very few social contacts he has left, and he’s very careful not to show the true nature of who he really is, as I’ve made clear I won’t tolerate it, and it will be the end of any hope he has of redeeming whatever time we have left.
One big thing hasn’t changed, though- he still gains glee from watching me struggle from adverse life situations that he could easily provide resources it takes for me to easily overcome those struggles, and there’s an obvious sadness in him when I’m better at, or more successful at doing literally any task than he is.
He becomes mute, and listens (if being told how something went) or observes in silence with a grimace on his face, thinly and poorly disguised as a grin.
It really is pathetic to watch a man in his 70’s be humiliated that his son is better at some random task than he is, it’s as if he’s locked into the mentality of a grade school child who is terrified of being one-upped by a peer on the playground.
I’ll never have the experience of what it’s like to have a NORMAL father- who is PROUD and ENCOURAGES their child when the accel and exceed their own talents.
Wow Flint, I’m from Saginaw!
Boundaries are hard and cause me lots of guilt at first, but gives internal peace
I agree and it can be tough. Stay strong and be well.
My mom's health failed first, and one of the few compliments he ever gave me was what a good job I was doing taking care of my mom. He has spent decades trying to create situations where I would turn into the caretaker of him (I'm the only daughter) but I refuse. He has the money to pay for the care he needs and I get entirely too stressed out being around him.
My father hated Holidays and giving gifts when he felt he "had" to. Instead, he'd randomly give me gifts whenever he saw fit. He said it was more "special" that way, but really it was used as a manipulation tactic since he made holidays and most days absolutely miserable. Then during the day if I acted up he'd threaten to take away or throw away the gift... Imagine telling a six year old, "This is why I never do anything nice for you!"
Thanks for sharing. It’s a hard experience for sure. Be well.
When my father was in an assisted living residence and nearing the end I sat with him, held his hands, looked him in the eyes, and told him I forgave him, that he had done the best he could with what he had. Not sure he really understood that this was a formal absolution but it didn’t matter because it was more about me letting go
People tell me I have daddy issues. No, I have mommy and daddy issues.
I was reading recently how the very term 'daddy issues' is a way of putting down the feminine, as if the daughter is the problem. She never was !
@@Lehanii
And Mommy Issues?
@@Lehanii I can see how people would make it out to be the daughter who is the issue, but it was our parents responsibility to bring us up. In most cases (not all, but many) if we have those issues, it’s because there was something missing or wrong in our upbringing and we’re either subconsciously repeating the trauma or somehow looking to fix it, usually with wonky tools and no instruction manual.
When you have father issues mother issues tend to come as well because it's like she or he enabled the abuse from the other parents. But both parents seem to be abusive more than one reading everyone's comments
Go away, ladies.
This is my issues.
Had a narcissistic father with some sociopathic traits. This Is right on. What I've never heard before is your statement that their abuse is not about you but are about them and their fears. One of the most helpful things I've ever heard.
I never got gifts from him, it was always something he found from his hoarding issue. As an adult I told him I was planning on buying him a Christmas present and I would appreciate it/it would mean a lot if he did the same for me. I tried to get out of it by talking about his convenient chronic illness, but I didn't let him get away with it.
He kept asking family what he should get me, but didn't end up picking anything up.
He ended up getting me cash in a card, using the wrapping paper I had used for my present to him. This was when I was just figuring out all of the stuff about my family. It felt very surreal at the time, but my life started to make a lot of sense.
I had a narcissistic father. Thankful he was never home.
You had a spy camera on my father. Literally every point is my father.
I not only had a narcissistic father, his behavior "bled out" on my older brother, too. Like father, like son in the worst way! He was "daddy's boy", who could do no wrong, absolute hell for my younger brother and I. Dad passed away 12 years ago, and my older brother is still a pain in the @$$. He's a scrawny runt, he changed his attitude real quick when he met my husband, a 6ft.3,180lb biker with a hardcore "Don't gimme no sh-t" attitude. No threats, but very intimidating. Big brother is a LOT less mouthy, which is fine with me!
Hey, 8 out of 8... Jackpot. 😖
I quit contact many years ago and he still is complaining to my mom (they are divorced) about me treating him like a criminal or even worse. Always trying to suck me back into his sick system. No way.
Good for you 20 F here, just realizing the abuse from my parents and I’m fixing to move out!!! Their abuse has left me feeling depressed and out of my damn mind. 😢 The future is bright for us, just keep healing ❤
@@taliawilliams6809 Wish you all the best. Go your way, not theirs. I envy you for figuring it out this early in life. 😘
There is not enough discussion around emotionally abusive fathers. A father doesn't have to be absent to mess you up. A father can be plenty damaging when they are around.
I'll never know if my father was a narc. Stepdad leans more avoidant. Mom, however...real piece of work. And age made her infinitely worse.
I love you doc and your explanations are so perfectly worded.
"Insulation" takes lots n lots of self talk, self love, parenting yourself when deep inside you the child in you is craving for your parent's approval, presence and unconditional love.
That is a true healing process.
Self-care coping skills are the best.. you have the power within yourself to emotionally take care of you as an individual.
I myself have BPD and I recognise my dad to have NPD. Apart from the emotional abuse I suffered I also see the resemblances between NPD and BPD.
First of all I want to make clear having a personality disorder is not an excuse to treat other people badly. When a person delutes himself he's entitled to do so he might get away with it for many years, but eventually the damage towards himself will become even more severe.
I agree when you are a victim of narcissistic abuse by anyone you need to care of yourself and don't sacrifice yourself for the wellbeing of the person who abused you. The damage has already been done: make use of the freedom to lead your own life and only let people into your life who can be a support for you.
On the other hand it's too easy to judge a narcissist as an evil person. When you have a narcissistic father like I have, you probably can see signs about some difficulties in his childhood as well. Narcissists often grew up being spoilt, which in fact is a form of abuse. Children need to learn dealing with losing and disappointment and also need to learn to share with others. If they don't they cannot emotionally connect with others to built up friendships. A narcissist can only connect with other people with manipulation. In their vision it's like "When you do what I want you to do, you are my friend." "When you disagree with me or you do anything which makes me question my superiority, you're my enemy!" At the same time narcissists can be so desperate in their need for approval they can also be very demanding towards themselves and they can bring themselves in very humiliating situations. I think it's important to realise they have trapped themselves within a very destructive behavior pattern instead of they are born evil.
My FIL set about telling all the doctors caring for my dieing MIL that "all his kids are registered geniuses" They all, with the exception of the oldest girl whom sees him for what he is, thought he was finally proud, finally noticing them. That hope from them broke my heart. I saw it for what it was; him bragging about his being the sire of four geniuses. The four geniuses were not relevant. For the record non of them are geniuses. Smart? Yes. Mensah, Rhode scholars? No.
My evil "dad" has left a 30+ year history of misinformation.. lies etc. And of course his generation of uneducated elders all think what he says is the gospel!
@@infinitycosmos4723 omg, I remember listening to my a-dad as a kid and even then thinking it sounded like he didn’t know anything. A-mum’s ironic nickname for him was “The oracle.” Kinda sad but funny at the same time as it’s so ridiculous.
Didn't read comments below yet, but much of what you said really resonated w/ me. Belittling an adult child in public when people are mingling together is bad, BUT what is worse when it's written on social media like FaceBook. SAD and pathetic beyond belief. Of course, the response is "It's a joke! Can't you take a joke?!" It's not a joke and IF turned around on them, they would be so upset. Shut down. Hold a grudge FOREVER. If I could cut people out of my life, I would. Instead, I just do "gray rock" and limit my time in their presence as much as I possibly can. I don't respond to emails or texts even though person keeps trying to "hoover" me as this person clearly knows I'm distancing myself. So far I'm doing fantastic and am feeling the power of controlling my reaction and not providing narc supply for them. I liked what you said about "eating" toward the end. Getting attention or a reaction is like food for survival. Thanks Dr. Fox for a fantastic video w/ lots of great info!
Dr. Fox, I so bless the day I stumbled upon your first video. Watching this video was the ultimate in validation. I’ve been working on myself for a while, so I had to laugh. This. Is. My. Dad. To a T. And while I will always grieve the time lost to the mental issues I developed in childhood, I will also forever be grateful for learning about toxic behaviors, how they affect you, and how to move past them. It has given me a chance at life at last, and I am very grateful. Thank you.
All these points are my whole childhood with my father, though he's gotten better as he's gotten older and it doesn't affect me as much anymore because I can identify whenever he's trying to gaslight or he's having a narcissistic moment.
He had a very troublesome childhood with completely crazy parents and he's not a bad man but the damage to me still happened. Thank you for your videos, these last few ones have been very pertinent to me.
I'm tired of being like this, I was going to either find a therapist or get your workbook. Think I'll try the workbook first.
His workbooks are fantastic! I highly recommend. Real eye openers for me.
@@angelawhite2022 Thanks, I decided to pull the trigger and just bought it. 😊
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I would like to add my own thoughts on this. I often fall into the trap of trying to be gracious with my dad’s narcissistic behavior and validate that he’s not a bad person. But how would one define a “bad” person if one exists? I believe that bad people are carved from childhood experience that they havent grown from. Is it their fault? Maybe not. But im going to call it for what it is. THEY ARE BAD PEOPLE
@@hunterharris637 My grandmother was damaged by circumstances beyond her control, and took her resentment out on her children.
My father took his damage out on me. He wouldn't have done that if he'd had the tiniest bit more awareness and willpower.
His behaviour was evil. The kindest thing I can say about him is that he was weak. A week 4yo in a man's body.
As always, this was a useful and informative video Dr. Fox.
An increadibly helpful and informative video, Daniel. Many thanks for that as usual. It would be really interesting to see those traits in narcissistic mothers with all the overlaps and differences (if any). Look forward to seeing your new videos.
Big help. Huge help. GIANT help. Many thanks. I got so much out of each and every word of your video (which I'm going to watch over and over). It's as if you were watching me grow up with an Olympian-class narcissistic father. So surprising, so comforting to realize I have positive attributes. You're a hero, Dr. Fox.
This is so, so helpful. Thank you, Dr. Fox.
I'm glad you mentioned both sides, I had committed o. A video that had Isolated men once but am not sure if I mentioned in that comment that I can see how some things mentioned were things my son had to deal with. Unfortunately through his childhood he was the one in that I never came back and said how bad I felt about it to him after the fact even when I would to his mom. I always wanted him to be tougher than I was and never understood how my behavior was damaging until I started looking into things like narcissistic traits and bpd, and have pushed him away completely trying to push talking about how many are what I recently started realizing I had dealt with in my life without a way to understand or describe. The gift one applies in a few ways, I sold a 4 wheeler when he was young because he wouldn't go out and work on a trail, and the one when he was older because he didn't want to take over maintenance, after his mom and I broke up his mom told me he wanted a custom fishing rod so I got him that. I did tell her it had had their top parts built on it.. I hope he likes it and gets use out of it. It wasn't to buy his love, I get that from my parent, it was the first Christmas gift I got him that wasn't split in a long time. I liked this video.. I personally resonate with all 9 bpd criteria and definitely can identify that I tend to have narcissistic traits with it. Thank you
That's so interesting in the chat reply talking about celebrating birthdays. Typically, in our family, birthdays are not celebrated as much as they are destroyed. There have been a number of ways. Staying out all night and not coming back until that late afternoon of the birthday. Acting butt hurt about the restaurant or movie the birthday person has chosen. His daughter caught him texting another woman, seeing him type, "I love you." on her birthday. He's got a million of them. Thank you for this program today. Very informational and enlightening.
I looked my narrc father in the eyes in my mid 30s and told him "i forgive you"
A few year later he was back to his usual BS. Insults disguised as compliments, etreme emotional manipulation attempts, even threatening suicide. I justvtold him "goodbye" deleted him from my phone and life. I dont got time for his nonsense. I tried.
Very Helpful advice and there are many things I can relate to in what you're saying. I've like and subscribed. Thanks for your help!
I think that not all of this applies to the covert narcissist father. They are more subtle and underhanded with their abuse.
Definitely
Could you talk about narcissist father's who use the Court system to win custody and alienate the mother?
So well said, thank you!
Good video...
A much kinder approach
Seeing innocence
Under bad behavior
A young autistic girl
Scared and frustrated with life
Angry and lashing out
Understanding and compassion go a long way in helping someone in need.
I didn't understand this about my dad until recently, and I am 55. Unfortunately, it has led me to tolerate bad behavior in my past relationships, blame myself and overcompensate to get the love that I desired. I never heard my dad tell me that he loved me nor has he ever given me a hug. I love my dad, but this is just the way he is and I have come to terms with it and have accepted that this is our relationship. I feel like I had my mourning period with it and I can begin to heal and move forward.
You can’t set boundaries with a narcissistic parent, they just see boundaries as something to be crossed. I personally think no contact is the only solution. They will literally ruin your reputation with twisted stories, rewriting history etc. everything becomes a no win situation when they sense you setting a boundary. If you set a boundary they go to covert retaliation and go after your child, never leave you children alone with them. A child does not have the language to express covert mental abuse.
My narcissistic father told me to F off after I finally set boundaries. He ultimately xpst me my relationship with my kids mum. I'm 31 I was robbed blind and had all my time stolen by the man
I'm so sorry to hear about the difficult situation you're facing. It can be incredibly challenging to set boundaries with toxic family members, especially when it affects your relationships with loved ones. Stay strong and remember that you deserve happiness and peace.
Hi Dr. Fox . . . oh my, you know my daughter's "X" perfectly. Very difficult with them having children 5, 4, & 2 years old. Daughter trying so hard to protect children best she can. Take care.
Thanks!
You're so welcome and thank you for your kind support of the channel. It means a lot when people help support the cause of putting out honest and research based information. Thank you and be well.
haha-What You mentioned about the call and them only speaking about themselves and ask 'How You're doing' as an afterthought-My Mother to a T
Dr. Fox, I really like your videos… Thank you
You are very welcome
Oh, yeah! But he did outgrow it when all his children finally grew up. That took a while, as we had a 12 year gap between the next to last and the youngest.
Grades were never good enough, called us 2 boys names and was hyper-critical of us. He upstaged everybody if possible except for the two girls, eldest and youngest of the 4 siblings, both boys in the middle, 2 college dropouts bookended by 2 graduates with advanced degrees.
I can't tell if my father were a narcisist because he had only one word and this remained in every situation.This were a sign he wasn't a narcisist.The manipulation started from my mother.Her words and actions are changing always for her own gain
Now i realize why I could never have children.
I didn't have kids, no offense, so that Dad could not hurt another generation!
I never had kids either because I was constantly told that I can't do this or that. So, I had a vasectomy and didn't
My sibling and i didn't have children either.
Thank you so much!
My dad made my cry on my 30th birthday after bullying me about being SLIGHTLY overweight
I told him he made me cry, his response? WHO CRIES?!
That's a control tactic...I cried on my birthday last year because he said something shitty..I wont let him manipulate me ever again...its nothing to do with weight it could be you hair, life, boyfriends etc...he just attacked your weakness.. your dad is a pervert to boot, btw, for what he said to you as it's objectifying his daughters body 🤢 🤮
im a man lolll@@monaj33
My sister went bullimic in late teens (became a skeleton) because fat people were loathed by my father, an easy target for him to put down and feel good about himself, and he would comment on my sister's weight (my sister was literally average weight with the slightest curves). She became obsessed with her weight. She was the golden child too.
Narcs parents are disgustjng humans.
@@LL-wc4wn glad im not the only one, theyre fuckin HORRID.
I'd have a few choice put-downs for him as well. That always gets them when you bully them back. 😂
THAT IS TOTALLY MY DAD, PRAY FOR ME GUYS
Thank you.
Narcissistic fathers and mothers both need to be held accountable. The problem is that narcissistic fathers can do whatever they want to you. What if they shout at you ? They’ll keep doing it. What if they abuse and mistreat you? They’ll keep doing it. What if you try to get help? Nobody supports you because everyone enables the narcissistic father. There’s an expectation that we’re just supposed to be our narcissistic father’s “garbage collector” of their ego, superiority, mistreatment, abuse, blame, shouting, etc. Society enables narcissistic parents and narcissistic bullies. I estranged from my parents because it was the best I could do, but I have no support structure. I’ve been estranged for 7 years, but still everyone will sympathize with my narcissistic parents as if I’m the bad guy. Once a scapegoat, always a scapegoat. There should be more concrete ways to hold narcissistic parents accountable for their actions.
I'm concerned that my boyfriend is a narcissist and that I'm subjecting my children to the narcissistic abuse I dealt with from my mother. He's classically authoritarian which is... less than ideal, but not the end of the world. But he's overly critical and seems to REACH for an opportunity to correct or criticize the kids. So when they are not doing anything obviously wrong he gives unnecessary correction, criticism or makes extraneous demands.I really didn't suspect narcissism until i called him out for basically picking a fight over an imagined problem and he was ready to die on that hill rather than consider the possibility that his behavior was inappropriate....
Do i just throw the whole relationship away?
Yes
Yes! Get away now for your sake and the sake of your kids
I would leave, he’s likely only going to get worse if he can’t even admit when he might be wrong. My last boyfriend wasn’t a narc as far as I can tell, but he did seem to insist on being right most of the time, or would offer unsolicited opinions that contradicted mine. That’s nothing to do with why I split from him but I sure don’t miss it!
Yes. They don't change.
Throw it away. My ex used to do that to my autistic son and after getting my son in a melt down state, punishing him (or trying to.... I wouldn't allow it if I were there.) He would do this to try to control me if I didn't do what he wanted me to (Like take a second mortgage on the house so he could have a fishing boat or a camper when we were barely making ends meet.) Your kids, not being his kids, are in danger physically and they are already being damaged emotionally. I feel for you, I hope you are able to care for the kids without him.
Wow, this is my father.
my dad only ever called me to remind me of how much of a burden I was to him and complain about my brother and mother. He told the same stories over and over again for years. Literally over 20 years. Always making himself a martyr. he only contaced me to make sure I knew how much I "hurt" him. this guy who always yelled and hit and bitched. No more will I ever put up with that shit.
I remember i was only maybe 5 and I said something in public which i don't remember it must have shown some weakness or something and he started to crush my hand so tightly because i was holding his hand. I remember being in so much pain in my hand but I couldn't do anything because it looked normal father and daughter holding hands. So traumatising
5 out of 8. Summed my dad up pretty well.
I’m glad you found the video helpful.
Thanks Doc. Glad I dont have all but do have some narcissistic tendencies of belittling my boys when they make a mistake. I don't want to continue damaging them.
Probably learned that one. If you're noticing what it is you're feeling right before you do it, maybe figuring out how to take responsibility for that emotion & find another outlet will allow you to stop yourself.
If you are able to apologize it will help. I dont think i would be as damaged as I am today if I had gotten an apology. So start changing your behavior, but start apologizing too!
My very small son asked me why I was calling him names. "I don't like it." I realised that I was doing exactly what my father used to do. It was painful, because I'd promised myself that I would *never* do anything my father had done. So I told my son, I'm sorry - I won't do it again.
I didn't do it again, and I did continue to be the opposite of my father. My now adult son is all round a much better person than me.
Can you discuss bipolar, highly sensitive people who grew up with a narcissistic father? That’s me. Unfortunately, I ended up marrying a narcissist (16 yrs) and marrying another (23 yrs) who had those traits. I finally divorced #1; #2 divorced me. I’m still staring down feelings of deeply-seated abandonment & trauma. If I could understand a bit more of how my childhood affected me, I’m hoping it may be easier to heal. ~ thank you.
Read a book called 'I'm OK, You're OK' It'll help.
Best way to move away from your Narc Father is to 100% ignore him at all costs. No reaction to him being around is the best thing you can do. He/she doesn't exists no matter your situation, just walk away and become independent.
I like/subscribe thanks 😢. Anything on narcissist 😅 these demon 😈
My son's father tries to take credit for our son's accomplishments. He also puts me down and tries to say I am a bad parent.
My narcissistic father called me dummy all my life. He would take the belt to me to stop crying. I learned to get beat, hurt, and keep quiet.
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to open up about such experiences.
My dad made fun of my brothers girlfriend committing suicide, it was at that point that I realised just how toxic he and my step family was. How can suicide be made fun of? Also he refused to take my brother to the morgue to spend that time with her body. My brother has cut him off completely and I keep them at a distance!
My Dad has never phoned me, ever! However his wife does phone but they put people on loud speaker and make faces to make fun of people they're on phone with. I don't call them and mostly stick to txts now.
Because of men who never showed me the love know I deserved I chose to stay single and raising my kids alone and encourage them to grow into the adult they want to be
Perhaps one should also talk about conscious and unconscious narcissism. My father has severe Asperger and has been very self-absorbed and only talks about what he finds interesting. In my childhood, there wasn't much room left for what I found interesting, also it was always about what my father thoughts. However, now as an adult I understand that it was not conscious of him and he had no opportunity to influence his thoughts.
Phew my Dad. Calls me and texts me constantly to tell me lies about himself 😂
Sooo my step father is screwed, I am a Psychopath... Now I get it why he's always mad around me, I can't be controlled. To make it worse for him, when he tries to control me, I do my best to embarrass him in public😂
My father and my ex wife's father
My mother, too.
Have you done any videos that talk about why i obsess that my wife has cheated on me in the past? Ive made up in my mind several situations thay my wife has had affairs but none of it turned out to be true. I hate this..
I have paranoid tendensies too, and what I did was trying to think: "he may have done this or that, but I am happy if I can live in ignoranse".
My father met every single one of these traits. Oof. I was called weak often as a child for crying when he was belittling me or when he wouldn't listen to me when I was begging him to stop hurting my mom or when he didn't show up to an event I desperately wanted him to be at. I blame him for a good majority of my mental illnesses. 90% of my therapy sessions are talking about him.
I'm sorry to hear about your difficult experiences with your father. It's important to address these issues in therapy.
@@DrDanielFox I've been working on it for a good 6 years. I've made a lot of progress, but I've still got a long way to go. Thank you for the validating comment! ❤️🩹
This is how I feel as a wife.
So basically, he treats me as a child.
Leave, seriously. I did and I never regretted doing so. (Though they still come after you for things, especially if you have children with them.)
My narcissistic ex-husband will get out of going to see (our) adult son, for holiday gatherings, by whining and straight forward claiming that he or his new wife aren't getting enough attention, being fussed over or made to feel welcome.
When I was a teenager my dad wanted to buy me a new computer desk ( I knew it was going on a credit card again and genuinely didn’t need one) my computer desk was perfectly fine so I just said “thank you Dad but I’m Good i dont need a new one” he exploded immediately screaming abusive insults and telling me I was an ungrateful little slut and throwing things around saying that I had to get out ( move out) I was 16.
He grabbed his car keys and told me I better be gone by the time he got home in a very threatening aggressive manner.
My mum went with him, I frantically started throwing some clothes in a bag and trying to find some where to go.
I couldn’t find any where and just as I was about to run out the door not knowing where to go he came back with a bunch of flowers and insisted on taking me to buy a car instead!
Through out my childhood I was always looking after my shoulder and second guessing everything I did or said. Sadly this is one of many instances that he or my mum would just fly off the handle for no rational reason.
My mum was the same when I had children of my own and they started displaying the same very damaging behaviours towards my children and on top of that telling our eldest we obviously didn’t love him as much as the other two ( he was their favourite and 6-7 years old when we found out) and mocking my middle son and mistreating him I tried to set boundaries in place.
Those boundaries were not well received. We asked for sleep overs to be less regular so we could do things as a family on a weekend. They always took my eldest for most of the weekend whether he wanted to or not. They would literally come and pack up his stuff and guilt him into going and punish me for saying “son you don’t have to go if you don’t want too”
We also said we would visit twice a week instead of going round to theirs all the time.
We no longer have a relationship their response to that boundary line was to scream and ball in my face, call me the most horrendous things. My dad got right up close to me towering over me to try and intimidate me whilst saying things he thought would hurt me.
They would have hurt me deeply a few months before but I had come to realise it for what it was.
My husband had to get between us and was ready for my dad to get violent.
My husband is my hero he got us out of there our children traumatised from being grabbed at by my mother and screamed and balled at for “listening in” they started yelling at me infront of the children they were already there.
After that they went on a smear campaign telling horrendous lies about me to anyone and everyone. My dad tried to physically attack my husband and they tried to take legal action to gain custody of my children ( not that that went any where because they had no grounds)
This was 7 years ago now, I went and told them that I forgive them but I can’t risk having them back in my life. Still to this day they say they didn’t do anything wrong and don’t know what they did.
My mother did all sorts as well but this is about Dads. That’s just a tiny snippet of my Dads behaviour. If you’ve made it this far thanks for reading, I just want to say. Any one dealing with this sort
Of parent you are NOT alone. Dont fear people judging you. Keep calm don’t loose your cool and don’t run around frantically trying to defend yourself.
People will see the truth of the situation because people like this always go one step too far.
You will be ok! If I can break free of the hold my parents had on me and my little family any one can. In my situation relationship was not an option. They wouldn’t accept healthy boundaries.
But we are much closer family unit now, sure there’s still pain there. But I strive every day to be a good mum!
“Go the f*ck to sleep” when I only needed a hug
My guess is that there aren’t a lot of videos on NFs because they typically don’t stick around to raise their kids. My dad ticks all the boxes, but my parents divorced when I was 3, so I didn’t see him much. My ex-husband does all these things too.
I recall my "father" mocking my brother making him cry then he took a picture of him crying and showed it to him to mock him some more. This brother then decided to take him as role model smh.... i just don't get it.
I'm glad Dr. Fox began with joking put-downs, because my father was filled with those. None of them were even remotely funny. His world became unglued the day I tested into my school's gifted program in third grade. After that, my father would try so hard to confuse me so that he could exclaim, "And you're supposed to be gifted?" When I was seven. he told me directly that he had never wanted kids, had not changed his mind now that he had some, and perhaps we could change his mind by being better behaved kids. Extravagant gifts were never his thing, though. He was always quick to let me know his money meant more to him than I did, and that he'd do everything in his power to keep his money rather than spend it on me.
I'm sorry to hear about your difficult experiences with your father. It's important to surround yourself with positivity and support.
@@DrDanielFox Thank you. Your response really made me feel heard, and I appreciate it. 🙂
If i didn't get it perfect on tbe first swing, i wouldn't amount to anything. Now he wonders why i see him very seldom.
A narcissist is just an enneagram 8 who had a hurtful childhood.
Yep.
At 14 my dad sat me down for half an hour explaining in detail that it would be best if I killed myself. I'm almost 54 now and it still affects me. Nasty jokes: 'he was a planned baby', 'how did we create such a weak child', 'I look like a girl'. I was humiliated and ridiculed in front of others and my character purposely destroyed before I met anyone. I worked through it my whole life. There's no getting over it. It haunts me.
A huge huge virtual hug all the way from rainy Netherlands. I hope life is treating you better now ❤
This describes my father too a T .
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" to me, I was a child.
Do the enablers know what the narcissistic partner is doing is wrong, and if so, do they comply out of fear?
This hits home. In Public: "look at all my daughters achievements and great job!" In Private: "why are you so ugly and why don't you go get plastic surgery?"
100% my father
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.