I actually try to avoid anyone that reminds me of my dysfunctional family and admire people that seem healthy and normal. The problem is those people usually figure I‘m not right for a relationship, probably because I don‘t seem healthy and normal (which is true)
Going by what the video suggested, I guess go with the self aware ppl that can take ownership of their part in an issue, be self reflective, and be in a recovery program and/or working on it. It’s more realistic that you find another human with some issues that is at least aware and trying than a super healthy normie (it happens tho, they have needs too and some like taking care of wounded ppl) OR someone that is a mess and is totally oblivious to it and will not get help or put in the work to be better. In the meantime, keep working on you so you can level up.
I was in series of abusive relationships. Then I started working hard on my own baggage, held my head high, never compromised on what qualities I wanted in a partner. I met an amazing man who is kind, honest, vulnerable, highly self-reflective, and owns his mistakes. We still have some friction occasionally but it's easily managed through great communication. I feel lucky every day.
Wow this is an amazing story. Great work in working on your baggage and setting new standards. Yes!! Thank you for sharing with us :) so glad you’re happy and in a great growing relationship 🧡
Ty for sharing this. I am single and I'm hurting. I was really good at acting normal. And holding it together. I got married & had a great wedding but I knew the marriage wasn't right before I went into it. But now I'm single I had to leave it was a sexless marriage for 2 years and now trying to learn how to date with no real skills at the beginning. But NOW I'm seeing how valuable I am. 💕
I am the abusive one in our relationship. My wife ask to separate and I decided to see a therapist. He recommended your videos and I realize that I'm childish and taking more than I give. I hadnt actually done self reflection and I lost something amazing. Possibly forever. Thanks for making these videos and helping me work on myself. I wish I watched them 6 months ago.
As someone coming from an abuse victim perspective, I have so much respect for you being honest with yourself and working on it with a therapist, and I hope you feel proud of yourself -- not for the ways you may have hurt others in the past, but for the ways you are growing and doing hard work! It means a lot to read your comment and gives me hope for the people in my life who may not realize they are playing an abusive role, yet are good people capable of change. Much love and respect
We both are in mine butI feel like you do, I see the ways I am and am ashamed and want to be better. I hope it keeps serving you both well and you can be there for each other. Kudos for being able to be honest with yourself, it’s hard and such a huge step.
The only problem with the “Traits of a Partner to Avoid” list is that it outlines many of the characteristics that we as people with childhood trauma tend to display. We’re sometimes the very partner we ourselves are trying to avoid.
And it seems like most of his audience is women, and 60% of the time women are naturally more neurotic than men, and the people who are the MOST neurotic are women. Women are naturally more geared toward negative emotion and neuroticism, so I think he could have just been more specific about when neuroticism becomes a problem rather than just saying "don't date people with several of the traits of neuroticism, which you all have
He said it's important that your partner is working on recovery (personal growth) and can learn from their past mistakes /relationships. This applies to you and me too. Everybody is flawed but are they self aware and actively trying to overcome their flaws via therapy? When we start out with so many misconceptions about relationships we need to do the lifelong work (with intermittent breaks) to repair ourselves via therapy, reading, workbooks, listening to and working with our partner - if we want to have non-dysfunctional relationships. You don't pair up and are magically healed and a better person (although it kinda feels like that when you first fall in love). Your point is that you have your own red flags. Take that self awareness and work on yourself as things come up in work, life and love relationships.
God, I have had the most bizarre developmental arc of anyone on earth, I think. Zero dating in my teens and 20s, then Pandora’s box opened, but still no “normal” dating. I’m in my 50s and finally getting it together, but I’ve been working on myself since I was 12, and know I’ll continue for the rest of my life. I thank you for your videos.
Yes, I’m 47 and here to tell you you’re not alone. I have felt a lot of shame about my mostly blank romantic resume, and I’ve let that shame intimidate me and induce me to tolerate situations that are not good. It only makes me more insecure, and less confident, to think I’m some kind of freak. But I’m not, and you aren’t. Go get it!
Same here! Married in early 20s and divorced late 30s and dated a little. Been a wild ride all along. Decided to just stop and investigate wtf is going on with me and relationships.
when someone goes against their own needs/desires/instincts to avoid hurting another's feelings, a friend of mine likes to say, "it's nice that you don't want to hurt their feelings, but which is better: hurting their feelings or hurting your own?" it's ok to say no. it's not ok to turn yourself into a doormat to help others feel better at your expense.
my mom, I know she loves me, but usually says, if he's a nice guy, just stick with him, not a lot of nice people out there, and usually puts the blame on my past relationships mostly on me. So I decided to stop talking to her cold turkey on anything with my relationship, because seeing from her past history and the way she approaches my and her dating life, it's blind leading the blind.
My mom has a "learn to love them" attitude, which is quite annoying. But our parents are still a product of their own environment so I understand why she's like the way she is, as she was arranged. Still annoying though that they can't recognise this lol. This is why I tell my parents nothing.
Yes, I relate to y’all. My mom and sister are total pick-me’s with internalized misogyny and they both married down - unattractive, insecure, sexist men who do not carry half the weight in their relationships (not financially either…these men whine about feeling “emasculated” yet they don’t step it up to be better providers or lovers). My mom and sister criticize me for having boundaries and standards. They’re terrible role models and have made me doubt and blame myself/lose my confidence. Hearing your shares has really inspired and motivated me to stay on track with not sharing much or at all with them about my dating or social life anymore, so thank you! Stay strong and free! 🤍
I've also stonewalled my stepmother especially when it comes to dating advice. She seems to live by the idea that a romantic relationship is an absolute necessity and you've failed if you don't find one, and she has brought up my single status in very absurd contexts many times, as if just to snide: one time we were discussing an apartment that was too expensive for me to live alone and she felt the need to remind me "Oh yeah, since you don't even have a life partner to share it with". What makes this very tricky is that I genuinely have wished for a fulfilling relationship since my teens, so her jabs do sting me quite deeply. Also, she has been with my narcissistic abusive father for fifteen years and even when she recognizes today he's a bad man, she refuses to divorce him and reminisces their first meeting positively, how "He completely swept me off my feet immediately". Like, she told me the story of their first date as an example of knowing when you meet The One.
@@lottakiljunen8751 Not everyone is meant to be in a relationship, and some are there only for a season. It's not a plus or minus dependent upon years together. A lifetime of ick is just that. Ideally we would decide what is right for ourselves, what lifestyle we want. I know confirmed bachelors and bachlorettes who are not lacking for companionship, but don't intend to take it further. Is what she wants for you even what YOU want for you?
I'm betting most of your regular viewers are high in neuroticism, self-reflective, and own their part in conflict. That's why I'm here! I love the example at the end, spot-on.
True statement for me! I have never had any family to fall back on which has continued the neuroticism. Graduate college at 50 (next year) hoping that will help!
My mother once set me up on a blind date (without asking me, of course) with a boy she knew was emotionally disturbed, because she wanted the friendship of his affluent parents. Thanks, Mom, for that little episode of trauma, my self esteem got a very clear message from that one. Recovery from narcissistic parenting affects so many aspects of self, it can take a lifetime to sort it all out, examine it, and fix it in ourselves.
I send these videos to my sister and warn her that the ugly part is triggering, the compassionate one can be 'foriegn feeling ', and the empowered part is a potential goal, but no pressure - just be safe in her dealings with family members.
Hands down you are producing some of the best, most useful content I have EVER found. Anywhere. Your skill for communicating on topics that can be so nuanced and complex, in a way that can be so easily digested and understood by so many, is unmatched. I will be rewatching your content until I am actually living it, and am so grateful for the guidance - it is helpful in all aspects of life.
Glad that my self work over the past 5 years - therapy, intentional self reflection, exposing and challenging core beliefs, etc, have paid off. Started entertaining dating someone last year - really fun, really easy rapport. When I saw the flags though, I did not ignore them. If something wasn't working for me, I'd let them know, and ask them if they could explain (I didn't judge or blame). When it became apparent that they were not in a place where they wanted to be accountable, I knew it was not likely to work. Rather than compromising however, or trying to 'fix" the person, I just let them go. No drama, no muss, no fuss. Felt good to know that I have standards, that I care about myself, and can feel ok stating my boundaries and preferences without fear of "being left". :)
That horrific desperation when you can’t find someone to love you is sooooo irrational and yet is visceral. I’ve felt this so many times after one failed relationship and the next day I’m just starving for attention and love almost like I’ve never experienced it before to begin with. It’s very baffling
This was excellent. I wish I would have known a lot of this when I was younger and dating. And when I was younger and I talked to my mom about a relationship problem she basically told me it was always my fault. My teenagers and I have open and honest conversation about dating and we discussed deal breakers. A lot of this video hit home with me you were spot-on. My first marriage lasted only two years because I grew up and married a man that was emotionally unavailable, that was comfortable to me because I grew up in a household like that. Marriage number 2, I married a sweet kind loving man. It sounds like a lot of the qualities you want us to avoid are people with narcissistic personality traits. I love your videos and your calm demeanor and you explain everything so we can all understand. Thank you
"Be more discerning, take things slow, aim higher"; helpful advice. Thank you for this video. As someone from a dysfunctional family system who never was even whispered how to date or prepare for marriage, my dating habits were dangerous and emotionally self-inflicting. I enjoy your animations. They look very "homemade" and the narration is great.
This is a fantastic video! My tunnel vision was also driven by the culture that I grew up in that said, "You create your own reality; truth is whatever you focus on in life". That made me inclined to see partners through romantic lenses.
Nobody ever asked me anything anytime I was on a date and they didn't even seem to know or care about it. When I broke up from a 2 year relationship with a person who was really there for me and helping me to heal from their abuse, they didn't even comment on the fact that he was not calling and we were not meeting. Just a couple of years ago I realized how traumatic this was. I cannot find ways to describe it. Just pure neglect.
Sounds like it was. Kinda similar but opposite is : you meet someone your parent really likes but you feel is not right for YOU and you hear a firm “you be nice to him!” Add in a wagging pointer finger. Classic.
Same. Therapy opened my eyes that I actually was neglected from almost day 1, before that I felt like being treated like crap is normal for everyone. Kinda "we give you food, sleep and clothes, but apart from that you're a waste of our time" type of thing. Nobody ever praised, talked to me, ever helped me with anything. And now trying to figure out the dating thing I kinda gave up - maybe I'm just too far gone.
I'm like you. High in the last two and high in neuroticism but honestly I think most people. Seriously does anyone know anyone who doesn't have some form of neuroticism?
I come from a family with poor examples of healthy relationships. My earliest memory is my parents screaming at each other, so this video is extremely helpful, thank you! 💗
This video was life changing. I finally can give myself forgiveness for picking partners that were bad for me. And thank you for teaching how to be a better parent.
Did you actually pick those partners? Or did you just let them pick you? I have found that narcissists are very difficult to put off, but nice guys are too easily discouraged by my confusion at being treated well.
I dated an emotionally unavailable partner that I was deeply codependent on. I was completely broken after he suddenly broke up with me. I am now learning in therapy that my own family was emotionally distant which made me miss that my partner was not a good partner at all. Thank you for your videos, they help a lot in my recovery!!!
Omg healing. So healing - that level of emotional interest from a parent, rather than being told what to do and what to think or feel, the questions you asked made my inner child feel so safe.
This is a great video the only issue is that I am the precise opposite of this... I'm not desperate to be with anyone, I push people away, especially anyone that genuinely wants to connect with me on any level. This manifested itself in a series of partial relationships that made me feel comfortable... affairs with men who were married to someone other than me and relationships with narcissists that were mostly one sided. Knowing that I make bad decisions, I simply stopped making them. The problem is now... I don't know how to like someone, click with someone, be attracted to someone... I choose a guy who is good on paper and I sit there and I listen to him talk about wanting a completely normal relationship with someone and I have zero interest. I don't remember what it's like to be totally smitten with someone because I stopped choosing crazy. Please make a video for those of us with intimacy issues!
Hi Kat, I hope you don't mind, but I have read your comment and thought this might be helpful. Perhaps you're pushing people away becasue you're pre-emtivley protecting yourself from the rejection you believe is coming? I used to do that all the time when I was younger - not so much with romatic relationships, but with friendships. Even now, I'm still way more comfortable keeping people at arm's length. Issues with intimacy is very common, I'm trying to work though mine but it is hard. "Normal" people do seem boring to those of us who are used to relationships being full of drama, but that's a dangerous addition we need to overcome. Our ideas of what is loving is very skewed by the abuse/neglect we lived through as impressionable children - we grew up thinking that it is normal. It's not. "Boring" is good. "Down to Earth" is good. If you're up for it, I recommend Richard Grannon's channel. He talks about a range of stuff in his videos, including intimacy issues, childhood trauma, and counter-dependency (like the opposite of a co-dependent).
I'm like this yikes. But I also complain when guys are being crappy to me and try to hold them accountable. I know people say boring is good, but like. why bother then. I'd rather be alone then. I need someone who is fun and has a god damn personality.
Sorta same here. Can't pretend I was "comfortable" in those partial relationships with unavailable men, but I can't pretend they didn't happen either. I wanted more, I wanted commitment, and I chose them because I thought they were mature and self-aware. WHOOBOY appearances do deceive! Maturity comes in a very inconspicuous coat, it seems, because I have yet to find it.... and I'm tired of looking. I've also become afraid of intimacy after these experiences, and now I'm unequivocally "emotionally unavailable", just working on my shit-but it's hard to not feel broken beyond repair, forever unfit for a loving and supportive partnership. The way I see it is that it's a season: there's a time for everything, a time for hurt and a time for recovery, a time to be open and a time to be self-centered... We're going through a necessary phase of our lives to breathe and adjust. It's good to prospect for a way out, but pushing, rushing to it would probably be counter-productive, throwing us in new, avoidable pitfalls. Let's not be afraid to be unavailable and lonely for a while. As some Douglas Coupland said: "Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony."
Look into avoidant attachment in relationships, sounds like you fear intimacy, Tracy Crossely's deal with it podcast is great for these kinds of intimacy issues.
At 6:55 when he says to pause the video and consider our past partners, I'm actually thinking about myself, and how I have embodied some of these qualities. I am really hopeful I can be more worth someone else's time, but I know I need to work on some things.
Ironically enough, I'm realizing that my anxiety has been high and it's because of my work life. My boss is an ass. I need to put myself in a healthier work environment.
Advice I would love to hear… Once you find a healthy relationship, what are healthy relationship skills you may be lacking and can work on that you didn’t experience growing up? Like how to maintain a healthy relationship and be a good partner…
This helped me not only prepare for my next relationship and try to break my bad past patterns; but it also reassured me that I am worth dating. I've got lots of trauma, but I always own it, so my best to control it and am always trying to get better. I worry often that I'm too broken for anyone to deal with. Thanks so much for these vids.
when i first started watching your videos, i never thought dating could be for me. I just wanted my inner peace. That was maybe only ten months ago. I'm ready. Wow. My life is changing. I'm learning how to date safely now. Wow. WOW. Mr Teahan i really hope u know, you are my mental health hero. Thank u, I'm an under-employed dropout. So your content helped support me immensely in my recovery. I don't know where else i would have been able to find/afford such good treatment and education. Thank you! So much!
The submissive neuroticism part hit me really hard. All of those qualities are things that I have struggled with in the past in a big way, because that way of being was my go-to in family dynamics (and when I'm not looking aware of my triggers and not taking care of myself, this kind of behaviour still comes up in romantic relationships) I always knew my other family members are neurotic in the aggressive sense, I just never realized that I was their mirror opposite- also high in neuroticism. Also, thank you so much for the work you do, I find it really helpful~
I grew up with a mother who used to tell me that I would be lucky to meet a bald headed man with 5 children in tow because I was so overweight in her eyes. I’m now 53 and still single but working on myself. I apologise for everything all the time - in many ways as a child I did this to try to keep an even keel within the family set up when things got bad but now I think it’s more a force of habit. Thanks so much Patrick, I’ve learnt and still learning loads from all your videos and shorts. Forever grateful 🙏🏻😊♥️
id say i am high neuroticism(submissive), high reflection, and medium/high self- accountability (it can take me a minute depending on severity of my doing but i always apologize). This video really helps break down these things in an easy to chew way for me. Usually videos like these can be hard to watch but i thoroughly enjoyed it!
Looking back I never picked the right person. I had a 20 year marriage, where we got along, but it didn't work out. I caught him cheating and he didn't care. I thought he was my best friend & husband. I'm in my late 60's now and guess I was never a good judge of character. I had an abusive childhood, so I fit this subject matter. Thank you for all you do.
Im watching these to learn skills to be a healthier partner myself. I am a traumatized person and probably and borderline. Thanks for the information Patrick.
I've read that sharing a similar upbringing can be really important to compatibility. There's not really a community for safe dating after childhood trauma.
I think it’s important to give yourself that grace too. You don’t have to be perfect either, just working on it. A friend of mine recently told me, “You deserve to be loved with room for error.” Blew my mind.❤
I don't think I've ever felt "safe" with anybody? Until fairly recently my criteria for accepting a date was that they liked me and asked me out. I missed a LOT of red flags! When I was younger, I craved attention so desperately I went out with anybody. Healing trauma on your own is hard, I find (no money for therapy...thank you for videos like this!). I've been single a long time now and I'm pretty sure I'd need to find that unicorn before I'd ever say yes to a date again...
Wow, this is so helpful! I have a lot of difficulty with dating growing up. I am now married to a wonderful person! He inspires me and helps me grow everyday! I know the cycle can be broken! ❤
I literally married my narc mother, it took me over 20 years to realise I married the someone of the same qualities .Only one friend warned me of her behavioural problems .Of course my mother and ex got on together I was portrayed as the difficult one ,I had tunnel vision and refused to accept her bad behaviour
Thank you Patrick, I really appreciate how warm, direct and concise your videos are. They are so easy to follow and the content is great to reflect on. I reflect on this content a lot and I love the examples you share that are really easy to relate to. Thank you for your channel.
I have trouble sometimes giving myself credit but I am very glad that this is an area that I really did get right despite my extremely dysfunctional family of origin. In fact, I am well aware that my highly functional marriage has been a specific and deliberate focus of attack from them. After all, they hounded me throughout my early adulthood that nobody would ever be able to put up with a worthless piece of crap like me, so my having a close and loving partnership for life has been simultaneously denied with lies about me and the target of relentless efforts to undermine it. But I digress: I am so glad for your systematic approach to help others along their way towards relationship success. I wish them similar success to what I have enjoyed with my wife.
This was so informative! I have been struggling to make sense of my parents' roles in our family, because they both showed a mixture of codependent and narcissistic behavior. Like they took turns being the victim or terrorizer of the family. But that doesn't really matter here because regardless, I see a clear pattern in my relationships now. I tend to date people who are emotionally distant like my father. And most of my friendships have been with people who can talk about themselves for hours on end, like my mother. But when you need them to listen and give you support for change, they brush over your worries, make it all about themselves AND/OR they try to fix you. Every person with their own spices and flavors for sure, but pretty much every relationship I have doubted or felt "wrong" about has followed either one of the patterns. Weirdly enough, my dad is aggressive and manipulative, but the men I have dated have been overly compliant and kind, while I'm the aggressive one trying to aggravate a response out of them? It's confusing because no one has been harmful towards me in an obvious way like my parents have, so I never recognize people who covertly share traits with the ones that I grew up with. Maybe next is coming to terms with the roles I take in these relationships? I can see both my dad and mom present in my marriage and my friendships, as terrible as it sounds.
LOL I never dated in high school, dated maybe a handful of times in college . . . my mom's answer was "If god wants you to be with someone, he'll send who he wants you to be with." Dated maybe five other times in adulthood. I'm just magic, I guess. It was very nice to have a checklist to help the next time I go on a date. (haha)
Thank you so much. I airways choose bad partners and hope to change that but was not sure how to start. I've stored screen shots on my phone and will refer to it in future!
I am very high in neuroticism and attracted to those who are too....but at least ok in terms of the other two aspects to keep an eye on! Thank you for the video, very clear, calm and informative
The ending reminds me of a thing my eldest sister (parent figure) said to me: If your family aren't tolerating you ,then how would a stranger? The painful thing is that for a year I did everything for her so she could like me. NO more, some people deserve nothing from you.
Thank you so much for this video.. On my healing journey I still find myself attracting people that are like my parents but I am recognizing red flags almost immediately which is something I've never done before.
Awesome that you focus on us parents allowing space for our children to share and then maintaining that space for dialogue, encouragement and a teaching moment ( not lecturing and or other pressures) .
My parents think that there is no right or wrong in dating or relationships or friendships. Everything depends on what kind of abuse you agree to. In their mind, every human relationship is based on mutually using each other.
Patrick can you do more videos with examples of healthy parenting and healthy parent-child interactions? It's really helpful as a parent to see the right way of responding.
I want to thank you. Your videos are of immense help to broken people. You have helped me so much in understanding why I’ve made past mistakes. And how unhealthy it was having my mom in my life. Thank you.
Another fantastic video, thanks Patrick!! After being single for a few years and spending that time working deeply on myself, its only recently where I started to feel ready to try and date again. I do hope, I have enough connection to myself to make better choices this time 😊
I have been neurotic and tend to over share or open up the gates so to speak. I don't want to be a downer, so I bottle things up. Then I open up all at once, sometimes. I've found that talking to many friends little by little is very healing. It also allows space for them to open up and connect. Your videos help me understand myself and forgive/ understand others.
I appreciate the note about inspecting yourself for those three traits too! I met a really amazing person with those traits, but I’m working on some of them myself. I want to make sure I bring healthy things to the relationship, and it’s good to know what to look out for!
LOVED this. information that i’ve always wanted to find about what to actually look for in a partner… i always *wanted* healthy relationships, but i had no idea what that even meant
Great qualities! And A best test for a partner is - Go to they respond when you disagree? Or can you to survive two good fights, whether civil or passionate? As someone once said ( I remember who it was ) the bite and the kids need each other! Make sure your partner can stay respectful and boundary and receptive in the face of disagreement… Think that’s what you’re getting to with on your part point. Thanks again for your excellent work. These videos are life-saving, I just wish I had seen them 30 years ago!
this is a huge thing i want to work on. I am turning 20 soon and am thankful for what this is teaching me. Just started the 12 steps with my first sponsor, and this is exactly the stuff we had talked about.
Watching this because I'm in a new relationship and my abandonment issues/anxious attachment are w r e c k i n g me. Helped highlight some of my issues...
Practically begged my father for advice when i had my 1st girlfriend. I knew sex was getting closer and closer to happening, she brought it up explicitly, and I was freaking out a lil bit. Had a couple beers and called my dad the day before. All he could say was to "sow my seeds". Same day he told my sister the exact opposite 🤣thanks Dad
I’ve only recently discovered this channel and already your videos have been very informative and helpful! Thank you for dedicating time out of your life to make these videos available and thank you for choosing this field. If you ever questioned if it was the right path for you, well I think you chose well :) It seems a good fit
That chart you showed: WOOOOOOW!!! A while ago I realized my ex was narcissistic. In the beginning, I thought it was intentional, that he enjoyed hurting me and using me. I was the poor victim. However, then I learned he acted that way due to childhood trauma. He would be considered the right side. Every single thing on that right side is him exactly, 24/7. However, the chart made me realize that I would be everything on the left side! So you could say I was/am narcissistic too!!! In the sense of having low self-worth, but using that to seek attention and validation from others. Seeking validation to fuel me instead of being in my frame. That's my shadow side. It doesn't make a sad! It keeps me aware that it's there. But I do know this. Through having a relationship with him, I learned how to stand up for myself. Have confidence in myself. Set boundaries. Slow down and wait for a relationship. Stop being so desperate, etc, etc. I'm very glad I met him and I tell him this to this day. Now, I encourage him to grow and evolve, but I'm not emotionally attached where it's energy-draining. Healing requires a lot of hard conversations, with yourself and others. However, with patience, love, and compassion for yourself. You can change your entire perspective. And begin to live the greatest life possible! Thank you for videos like this. Watching your content has helped me grow and inspired me to create my own TH-cam Channel, with the goal to help inspire someone to become their best version. I pray for anyone who reads this comment and I want to let you know you are whole and complete just as you are right now. Embrace your light and dark side and know both are okay! Both make you beautifully unique. And it's okay to express them! As long as it's done in an emotionally intelligent way. 2022, let's work to change how we treat people, how we react to situations, and how we talk and view ourselves. You are loved! You got this!
What's really interesting for me is that my partner and I kind of accidentally worked ourselves into a healthy relationship by being kind of opposite--we're both very self reflexive and own our own responsibility and being wrong, but I definitely have more qualities of the first kind of neuroticism and he has more of the second. By holding each other accountable and identifying when either (or both!) of us is on the neurotic end of the spectrum and then working through it together
I'm high in neuratasism but also high in self reflection and owning my part in conflict. That being said, I'm getting lower in neuratasism as time goes on because I am high in the other 2 qualities. This has come with alot of hardship though.
I probably would have gotten some advice from my dad that sounded like “Just be glad you went on a date, you think too much about it” leaving me stuck in my emotions or feel bad about them. Or maybe he’d be compassionate and talk me through it, never knew what to expect
I actually try to avoid anyone that reminds me of my dysfunctional family and admire people that seem healthy and normal. The problem is those people usually figure I‘m not right for a relationship, probably because I don‘t seem healthy and normal (which is true)
too relatable.
Same.
Going by what the video suggested, I guess go with the self aware ppl that can take ownership of their part in an issue, be self reflective, and be in a recovery program and/or working on it. It’s more realistic that you find another human with some issues that is at least aware and trying than a super healthy normie (it happens tho, they have needs too and some like taking care of wounded ppl) OR someone that is a mess and is totally oblivious to it and will not get help or put in the work to be better. In the meantime, keep working on you so you can level up.
I do this too❤️
Sad and true
I was in series of abusive relationships. Then I started working hard on my own baggage, held my head high, never compromised on what qualities I wanted in a partner. I met an amazing man who is kind, honest, vulnerable, highly self-reflective, and owns his mistakes. We still have some friction occasionally but it's easily managed through great communication. I feel lucky every day.
Wow this is an amazing story. Great work in working on your baggage and setting new standards. Yes!! Thank you for sharing with us :) so glad you’re happy and in a great growing relationship 🧡
@Lo same!
Ty for sharing this. I am single and I'm hurting. I was really good at acting normal. And holding it together. I got married & had a great wedding but I knew the marriage wasn't right before I went into it. But now I'm single I had to leave it was a sexless marriage for 2 years and now trying to learn how to date with no real skills at the beginning. But NOW I'm seeing how valuable I am. 💕
That's honestly my dream 🥺 thank you for sharing! I wish you the best ❤️
@@charlotte5671 ❤
I am the abusive one in our relationship. My wife ask to separate and I decided to see a therapist. He recommended your videos and I realize that I'm childish and taking more than I give. I hadnt actually done self reflection and I lost something amazing. Possibly forever. Thanks for making these videos and helping me work on myself. I wish I watched them 6 months ago.
It takes inner strength and maturity to admit that man, respect.
I appreciate the brutal honesty in examining yourself.
As someone coming from an abuse victim perspective, I have so much respect for you being honest with yourself and working on it with a therapist, and I hope you feel proud of yourself -- not for the ways you may have hurt others in the past, but for the ways you are growing and doing hard work! It means a lot to read your comment and gives me hope for the people in my life who may not realize they are playing an abusive role, yet are good people capable of change. Much love and respect
We both are in mine butI feel like you do, I see the ways I am and am ashamed and want to be better. I hope it keeps serving you both well and you can be there for each other. Kudos for being able to be honest with yourself, it’s hard and such a huge step.
Hey, Brandon. I really hope things are better now for you. Chin up to meet the road ahead, mate 👍🏻
Yes! My parents never taught me I had the right to say no, especially to elders or people in power.
Same. I really struggle to say no. I didn't even know what a boundary was until my 50's!
I was actively punushed by humiliation for ever saying no to anyone. It is impolite don't ya know.
Right? And they wanna get angry asking why I didn’t speak up.
This!
Saaaaame!
The only problem with the “Traits of a Partner to Avoid” list is that it outlines many of the characteristics that we as people with childhood trauma tend to display. We’re sometimes the very partner we ourselves are trying to avoid.
And it seems like most of his audience is women, and 60% of the time women are naturally more neurotic than men, and the people who are the MOST neurotic are women. Women are naturally more geared toward negative emotion and neuroticism, so I think he could have just been more specific about when neuroticism becomes a problem rather than just saying "don't date people with several of the traits of neuroticism, which you all have
I think the Segment “consider yourself” will help you with that.
He said it's important that your partner is working on recovery (personal growth) and can learn from their past mistakes /relationships. This applies to you and me too.
Everybody is flawed but are they self aware and actively trying to overcome their flaws via therapy?
When we start out with so many misconceptions about relationships we need to do the lifelong work (with intermittent breaks) to repair ourselves via therapy, reading, workbooks, listening to and working with our partner - if we want to have non-dysfunctional relationships. You don't pair up and are magically healed and a better person (although it kinda feels like that when you first fall in love).
Your point is that you have your own red flags. Take that self awareness and work on yourself as things come up in work, life and love relationships.
*Healthy person exists*
Me : How?!
Hahahaha oh my. Felt that!
lucky childhood, i suppose? i wouldn´t know.. :´D
That first one, is about 90% of people.
Me: where??
@@baldwinangel1218 Right!
God, I have had the most bizarre developmental arc of anyone on earth, I think. Zero dating in my teens and 20s, then Pandora’s box opened, but still no “normal” dating. I’m in my 50s and finally getting it together, but I’ve been working on myself since I was 12, and know I’ll continue for the rest of my life. I thank you for your videos.
You're not as bizarre as you think.
Same here! I also had a very abusive marriage.
Yes, I’m 47 and here to tell you you’re not alone. I have felt a lot of shame about my mostly blank romantic resume, and I’ve let that shame intimidate me and induce me to tolerate situations that are not good. It only makes me more insecure, and less confident, to think I’m some kind of freak. But I’m not, and you aren’t. Go get it!
Never give up hope. I love you. The world needs you. And we’re all on our own individual unique journey never compare
Same here! Married in early 20s and divorced late 30s and dated a little. Been a wild ride all along. Decided to just stop and investigate wtf is going on with me and relationships.
when someone goes against their own needs/desires/instincts to avoid hurting another's feelings, a friend of mine likes to say, "it's nice that you don't want to hurt their feelings, but which is better: hurting their feelings or hurting your own?"
it's ok to say no. it's not ok to turn yourself into a doormat to help others feel better at your expense.
my mom, I know she loves me, but usually says, if he's a nice guy, just stick with him, not a lot of nice people out there, and usually puts the blame on my past relationships mostly on me. So I decided to stop talking to her cold turkey on anything with my relationship, because seeing from her past history and the way she approaches my and her dating life, it's blind leading the blind.
My mom has a "learn to love them" attitude, which is quite annoying. But our parents are still a product of their own environment so I understand why she's like the way she is, as she was arranged. Still annoying though that they can't recognise this lol. This is why I tell my parents nothing.
Yes, I relate to y’all. My mom and sister are total pick-me’s with internalized misogyny and they both married down - unattractive, insecure, sexist men who do not carry half the weight in their relationships (not financially either…these men whine about feeling “emasculated” yet they don’t step it up to be better providers or lovers). My mom and sister criticize me for having boundaries and standards. They’re terrible role models and have made me doubt and blame myself/lose my confidence. Hearing your shares has really inspired and motivated me to stay on track with not sharing much or at all with them about my dating or social life anymore, so thank you! Stay strong and free! 🤍
My mom is the exact same way about, "It's so difficult to find a good man so ince you do you should keep them."
I've also stonewalled my stepmother especially when it comes to dating advice. She seems to live by the idea that a romantic relationship is an absolute necessity and you've failed if you don't find one, and she has brought up my single status in very absurd contexts many times, as if just to snide: one time we were discussing an apartment that was too expensive for me to live alone and she felt the need to remind me "Oh yeah, since you don't even have a life partner to share it with". What makes this very tricky is that I genuinely have wished for a fulfilling relationship since my teens, so her jabs do sting me quite deeply.
Also, she has been with my narcissistic abusive father for fifteen years and even when she recognizes today he's a bad man, she refuses to divorce him and reminisces their first meeting positively, how "He completely swept me off my feet immediately". Like, she told me the story of their first date as an example of knowing when you meet The One.
@@lottakiljunen8751 Not everyone is meant to be in a relationship, and some are there only for a season. It's not a plus or minus dependent upon years together. A lifetime of ick is just that. Ideally we would decide what is right for ourselves, what lifestyle we want. I know confirmed bachelors and bachlorettes who are not lacking for companionship, but don't intend to take it further. Is what she wants for you even what YOU want for you?
I'm betting most of your regular viewers are high in neuroticism, self-reflective, and own their part in conflict. That's why I'm here! I love the example at the end, spot-on.
True statement for me! I have never had any family to fall back on which has continued the neuroticism. Graduate college at 50 (next year) hoping that will help!
that's me, and that's the kind of person I gravitate towards as well
@@MaineEmOcean I have family to fall back on but im still high in neuroticism. My family on my moms side are very neurotic.
@@MaineEmOcean Although you are a stranger, I find myself feeling so happy for you. Congratulations, what a wonderful thing.
@@smorkisborg440 Thank you!
I just feel terrified of being close to anyone while simultaneously wanting to date and be close to someone.
My mother once set me up on a blind date (without asking me, of course) with a boy she knew was emotionally disturbed, because she wanted the friendship of his affluent parents. Thanks, Mom, for that little episode of trauma, my self esteem got a very clear message from that one. Recovery from narcissistic parenting affects so many aspects of self, it can take a lifetime to sort it all out, examine it, and fix it in ourselves.
You’re not alone ❤
Yep you're not alone, dad did same to me, also at the time I wasn't legal yet and the 'boy' was an adult.
each time he reenacts a "healthy parent" i´m like... WTF...THIS IS HEALTHY??? *utopia i´m working towards*
I send these videos to my sister and warn her that the ugly part is triggering, the compassionate one can be 'foriegn feeling ', and the empowered part is a potential goal, but no pressure - just be safe in her dealings with family members.
Gawd Im motivated to grow away from my CPTSD. Thanks as always Patrick.
As trauma survivors our approach to dating is, “the stakes are too high and the bar is too low.”
Wow.
That truly says it all! 😢
Hands down you are producing some of the best, most useful content I have EVER found. Anywhere. Your skill for communicating on topics that can be so nuanced and complex, in a way that can be so easily digested and understood by so many, is unmatched. I will be rewatching your content until I am actually living it, and am so grateful for the guidance - it is helpful in all aspects of life.
Glad that my self work over the past 5 years - therapy, intentional self reflection, exposing and challenging core beliefs, etc, have paid off. Started entertaining dating someone last year - really fun, really easy rapport. When I saw the flags though, I did not ignore them. If something wasn't working for me, I'd let them know, and ask them if they could explain (I didn't judge or blame). When it became apparent that they were not in a place where they wanted to be accountable, I knew it was not likely to work. Rather than compromising however, or trying to 'fix" the person, I just let them go. No drama, no muss, no fuss. Felt good to know that I have standards, that I care about myself, and can feel ok stating my boundaries and preferences without fear of "being left". :)
That horrific desperation when you can’t find someone to love you is sooooo irrational and yet is visceral. I’ve felt this so many times after one failed relationship and the next day I’m just starving for attention and love almost like I’ve never experienced it before to begin with. It’s very baffling
I'm married to a good man, but this triggers memories of my past and makes me really emotional. Still applies to friends.
“Tell your parent about your date” wait, that was a thing?
Shame based was how we were raised. Breaking that sh** up now.
Felt.
This was excellent. I wish I would have known a lot of this when I was younger and dating. And when I was younger and I talked to my mom about a relationship problem she basically told me it was always my fault. My teenagers and I have open and honest conversation about dating and we discussed deal breakers. A lot of this video hit home with me you were spot-on. My first marriage lasted only two years because I grew up and married a man that was emotionally unavailable, that was comfortable to me because I grew up in a household like that. Marriage number 2, I married a sweet kind loving man. It sounds like a lot of the qualities you want us to avoid are people with narcissistic personality traits. I love your videos and your calm demeanor and you explain everything so we can all understand. Thank you
"Be more discerning, take things slow, aim higher"; helpful advice. Thank you for this video.
As someone from a dysfunctional family system who never was even whispered how to date or prepare for marriage, my dating habits were dangerous and emotionally self-inflicting.
I enjoy your animations. They look very "homemade" and the narration is great.
This is a fantastic video! My tunnel vision was also driven by the culture that I grew up in that said, "You create your own reality; truth is whatever you focus on in life". That made me inclined to see partners through romantic lenses.
Nobody ever asked me anything anytime I was on a date and they didn't even seem to know or care about it. When I broke up from a 2 year relationship with a person who was really there for me and helping me to heal from their abuse, they didn't even comment on the fact that he was not calling and we were not meeting. Just a couple of years ago I realized how traumatic this was. I cannot find ways to describe it. Just pure neglect.
Sounds like it was. Kinda similar but opposite is : you meet someone your parent really likes but you feel is not right for YOU and you hear a firm “you be nice to him!” Add in a wagging pointer finger. Classic.
Same. Therapy opened my eyes that I actually was neglected from almost day 1, before that I felt like being treated like crap is normal for everyone. Kinda "we give you food, sleep and clothes, but apart from that you're a waste of our time" type of thing. Nobody ever praised, talked to me, ever helped me with anything. And now trying to figure out the dating thing I kinda gave up - maybe I'm just too far gone.
I'm high in all three. high neuro, high self relf reflection and high ability to own their part. i can work on being neurotic.
I'm like you. High in the last two and high in neuroticism but honestly I think most people. Seriously does anyone know anyone who doesn't have some form of neuroticism?
I come from a family with poor examples of healthy relationships. My earliest memory is my parents screaming at each other, so this video is extremely helpful, thank you! 💗
This video was life changing. I finally can give myself forgiveness for picking partners that were bad for me. And thank you for teaching how to be a better parent.
Did you actually pick those partners? Or did you just let them pick you? I have found that narcissists are very difficult to put off, but nice guys are too easily discouraged by my confusion at being treated well.
My parents were not aware of my dating life, or my struggles with it. I didn't feel safe to do so.
I dated an emotionally unavailable partner that I was deeply codependent on. I was completely broken after he suddenly broke up with me. I am now learning in therapy that my own family was emotionally distant which made me miss that my partner was not a good partner at all. Thank you for your videos, they help a lot in my recovery!!!
Omg healing. So healing - that level of emotional interest from a parent, rather than being told what to do and what to think or feel, the questions you asked made my inner child feel so safe.
This is a great video the only issue is that I am the precise opposite of this... I'm not desperate to be with anyone, I push people away, especially anyone that genuinely wants to connect with me on any level. This manifested itself in a series of partial relationships that made me feel comfortable... affairs with men who were married to someone other than me and relationships with narcissists that were mostly one sided. Knowing that I make bad decisions, I simply stopped making them. The problem is now... I don't know how to like someone, click with someone, be attracted to someone... I choose a guy who is good on paper and I sit there and I listen to him talk about wanting a completely normal relationship with someone and I have zero interest. I don't remember what it's like to be totally smitten with someone because I stopped choosing crazy. Please make a video for those of us with intimacy issues!
Hi Kat, I hope you don't mind, but I have read your comment and thought this might be helpful.
Perhaps you're pushing people away becasue you're pre-emtivley protecting yourself from the rejection you believe is coming? I used to do that all the time when I was younger - not so much with romatic relationships, but with friendships. Even now, I'm still way more comfortable keeping people at arm's length. Issues with intimacy is very common, I'm trying to work though mine but it is hard. "Normal" people do seem boring to those of us who are used to relationships being full of drama, but that's a dangerous addition we need to overcome. Our ideas of what is loving is very skewed by the abuse/neglect we lived through as impressionable children - we grew up thinking that it is normal. It's not. "Boring" is good. "Down to Earth" is good.
If you're up for it, I recommend Richard Grannon's channel. He talks about a range of stuff in his videos, including intimacy issues, childhood trauma, and counter-dependency (like the opposite of a co-dependent).
Ive never heard of counter-dependency, but that sounds like me!
I'm like this yikes. But I also complain when guys are being crappy to me and try to hold them accountable. I know people say boring is good, but like. why bother then. I'd rather be alone then. I need someone who is fun and has a god damn personality.
Sorta same here. Can't pretend I was "comfortable" in those partial relationships with unavailable men, but I can't pretend they didn't happen either. I wanted more, I wanted commitment, and I chose them because I thought they were mature and self-aware. WHOOBOY appearances do deceive! Maturity comes in a very inconspicuous coat, it seems, because I have yet to find it.... and I'm tired of looking. I've also become afraid of intimacy after these experiences, and now I'm unequivocally "emotionally unavailable", just working on my shit-but it's hard to not feel broken beyond repair, forever unfit for a loving and supportive partnership.
The way I see it is that it's a season: there's a time for everything, a time for hurt and a time for recovery, a time to be open and a time to be self-centered... We're going through a necessary phase of our lives to breathe and adjust. It's good to prospect for a way out, but pushing, rushing to it would probably be counter-productive, throwing us in new, avoidable pitfalls. Let's not be afraid to be unavailable and lonely for a while. As some Douglas Coupland said: "Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony."
Look into avoidant attachment in relationships, sounds like you fear intimacy, Tracy Crossely's deal with it podcast is great for these kinds of intimacy issues.
At 6:55 when he says to pause the video and consider our past partners, I'm actually thinking about myself, and how I have embodied some of these qualities. I am really hopeful I can be more worth someone else's time, but I know I need to work on some things.
Ironically enough, I'm realizing that my anxiety has been high and it's because of my work life. My boss is an ass. I need to put myself in a healthier work environment.
Hey, At least it's not your family! You can change jobs easily, but you can't change family's.
I always was drawn to people that made me feel safe. If you made me feel.safe, I would give you the world.
Advice I would love to hear… Once you find a healthy relationship, what are healthy relationship skills you may be lacking and can work on that you didn’t experience growing up? Like how to maintain a healthy relationship and be a good partner…
I have been looking for this information my whole adult life. I am grateful the algorithm brought me here. Thank you, Patrick.
This helped me not only prepare for my next relationship and try to break my bad past patterns; but it also reassured me that I am worth dating. I've got lots of trauma, but I always own it, so my best to control it and am always trying to get better. I worry often that I'm too broken for anyone to deal with. Thanks so much for these vids.
when i first started watching your videos, i never thought dating could be for me. I just wanted my inner peace. That was maybe only ten months ago. I'm ready. Wow. My life is changing. I'm learning how to date safely now. Wow. WOW. Mr Teahan i really hope u know, you are my mental health hero. Thank u, I'm an under-employed dropout. So your content helped support me immensely in my recovery. I don't know where else i would have been able to find/afford such good treatment and education. Thank you! So much!
The submissive neuroticism part hit me really hard. All of those qualities are things that I have struggled with in the past in a big way, because that way of being was my go-to in family dynamics (and when I'm not looking aware of my triggers and not taking care of myself, this kind of behaviour still comes up in romantic relationships) I always knew my other family members are neurotic in the aggressive sense, I just never realized that I was their mirror opposite- also high in neuroticism. Also, thank you so much for the work you do, I find it really helpful~
Me too. Always had to apologize to everyone who verbally or emotionally violated me in some way. I fit the entire list. Makes me feel hopeless.
Gotta watch this over and over til it sinks in. I'm learning so much.
Number 3 rules out most people on this planet....
I grew up with a mother who used to tell me that I would be lucky to meet a bald headed man with 5 children in tow because I was so overweight in her eyes. I’m now 53 and still single but working on myself. I apologise for everything all the time - in many ways as a child I did this to try to keep an even keel within the family set up when things got bad but now I think it’s more a force of habit.
Thanks so much Patrick, I’ve learnt and still learning loads from all your videos and shorts. Forever grateful 🙏🏻😊♥️
id say i am high neuroticism(submissive), high reflection, and medium/high self- accountability (it can take me a minute depending on severity of my doing but i always apologize). This video really helps break down these things in an easy to chew way for me. Usually videos like these can be hard to watch but i thoroughly enjoyed it!
Looking back I never picked the right person. I had a 20 year marriage, where we got along, but it didn't work out. I caught him cheating and he didn't care.
I thought he was my best friend & husband.
I'm in my late 60's now and guess I was never a good judge of character. I had an abusive childhood, so I fit this subject matter. Thank you for all you do.
Im watching these to learn skills to be a healthier partner myself. I am a traumatized person and probably and borderline.
Thanks for the information Patrick.
I've read that sharing a similar upbringing can be really important to compatibility. There's not really a community for safe dating after childhood trauma.
It wasn’t rambly...it’s extremely valuable information you’re imparting, thank you
I think it’s important to give yourself that grace too. You don’t have to be perfect either, just working on it. A friend of mine recently told me, “You deserve to be loved with room for error.” Blew my mind.❤
You are amazing! they should be teaching these stuff at school!
I don't think I've ever felt "safe" with anybody? Until fairly recently my criteria for accepting a date was that they liked me and asked me out. I missed a LOT of red flags! When I was younger, I craved attention so desperately I went out with anybody. Healing trauma on your own is hard, I find (no money for therapy...thank you for videos like this!). I've been single a long time now and I'm pretty sure I'd need to find that unicorn before I'd ever say yes to a date again...
Wow, this is so helpful! I have a lot of difficulty with dating growing up. I am now married to a wonderful person! He inspires me and helps me grow everyday! I know the cycle can be broken! ❤
I think I will need to keep this one on monthly repeat for a while. Thanks Patrick
I literally married my narc mother, it took me over 20 years to realise I married the someone of the same qualities .Only one friend warned me of her behavioural problems .Of course my mother and ex got on together I was portrayed as the difficult one ,I had tunnel vision and refused to accept her bad behaviour
👍
I never truly knew my mother until i married my narcissistic ex-wife.
You are a gift. Thank you for the work you do.
You are helping people become healthy adults one person at a time ♥️ even many at a time. Thank you 😊
Thank you Patrick, I really appreciate how warm, direct and concise your videos are. They are so easy to follow and the content is great to reflect on. I reflect on this content a lot and I love the examples you share that are really easy to relate to. Thank you for your channel.
That's going to be one self-aware and enlightened teddy bear in the background 🧸
Yess! Don't settle for trauma reenactment just because the discomfort is comfortable!
Thanks for your energy Patrick...your videos have help me make sense of things.
I have trouble sometimes giving myself credit but I am very glad that this is an area that I really did get right despite my extremely dysfunctional family of origin. In fact, I am well aware that my highly functional marriage has been a specific and deliberate focus of attack from them. After all, they hounded me throughout my early adulthood that nobody would ever be able to put up with a worthless piece of crap like me, so my having a close and loving partnership for life has been simultaneously denied with lies about me and the target of relentless efforts to undermine it. But I digress: I am so glad for your systematic approach to help others along their way towards relationship success. I wish them similar success to what I have enjoyed with my wife.
Working on my neuroticism because you have shown me i have a lot to work on myself first. I adore your work. Thank you Patrick. 💛
This was so informative! I have been struggling to make sense of my parents' roles in our family, because they both showed a mixture of codependent and narcissistic behavior. Like they took turns being the victim or terrorizer of the family. But that doesn't really matter here because regardless, I see a clear pattern in my relationships now. I tend to date people who are emotionally distant like my father. And most of my friendships have been with people who can talk about themselves for hours on end, like my mother. But when you need them to listen and give you support for change, they brush over your worries, make it all about themselves AND/OR they try to fix you. Every person with their own spices and flavors for sure, but pretty much every relationship I have doubted or felt "wrong" about has followed either one of the patterns. Weirdly enough, my dad is aggressive and manipulative, but the men I have dated have been overly compliant and kind, while I'm the aggressive one trying to aggravate a response out of them? It's confusing because no one has been harmful towards me in an obvious way like my parents have, so I never recognize people who covertly share traits with the ones that I grew up with. Maybe next is coming to terms with the roles I take in these relationships? I can see both my dad and mom present in my marriage and my friendships, as terrible as it sounds.
This is very helpful. I went through this. Finally found a partner who is well adjusted and can problem solve without screaming.
LOL I never dated in high school, dated maybe a handful of times in college . . . my mom's answer was "If god wants you to be with someone, he'll send who he wants you to be with." Dated maybe five other times in adulthood. I'm just magic, I guess. It was very nice to have a checklist to help the next time I go on a date. (haha)
Thank you so much. I airways choose bad partners and hope to change that but was not sure how to start. I've stored screen shots on my phone and will refer to it in future!
I am very high in neuroticism and attracted to those who are too....but at least ok in terms of the other two aspects to keep an eye on! Thank you for the video, very clear, calm and informative
The ending reminds me of a thing my eldest sister (parent figure) said to me: If your family aren't tolerating you ,then how would a stranger?
The painful thing is that for a year I did everything for her so she could like me. NO more, some people deserve nothing from you.
I’m so grateful for your content 🙏thank you
Thank you so much for this video.. On my healing journey I still find myself attracting people that are like my parents but I am recognizing red flags almost immediately which is something I've never done before.
Awesome that you focus on us parents allowing space for our children to share and then maintaining that space for dialogue, encouragement and a teaching moment ( not lecturing and or other pressures) .
I need more videos on Neuroticism and how to lower that please🙏🏻
My parents think that there is no right or wrong in dating or relationships or friendships. Everything depends on what kind of abuse you agree to. In their mind, every human relationship is based on mutually using each other.
Patrick can you do more videos with examples of healthy parenting and healthy parent-child interactions? It's really helpful as a parent to see the right way of responding.
I want to thank you. Your videos are of immense help to broken people. You have helped me so much in understanding why I’ve made past mistakes. And how unhealthy it was having my mom in my life. Thank you.
I am super happy that I take my time and don’t rush these days. 😊
Another fantastic video, thanks Patrick!! After being single for a few years and spending that time working deeply on myself, its only recently where I started to feel ready to try and date again. I do hope, I have enough connection to myself to make better choices this time 😊
I have been neurotic and tend to over share or open up the gates so to speak. I don't want to be a downer, so I bottle things up. Then I open up all at once, sometimes. I've found that talking to many friends little by little is very healing. It also allows space for them to open up and connect. Your videos help me understand myself and forgive/ understand others.
Many friends individually, not collectively
I appreciate the note about inspecting yourself for those three traits too! I met a really amazing person with those traits, but I’m working on some of them myself. I want to make sure I bring healthy things to the relationship, and it’s good to know what to look out for!
LOVED this. information that i’ve always wanted to find about what to actually look for in a partner… i always *wanted* healthy relationships, but i had no idea what that even meant
Great qualities!
And
A best test for a partner is - Go to they respond when you disagree? Or can you to survive two good fights, whether civil or passionate?
As someone once said ( I remember who it was ) the bite and the kids need each other!
Make sure your partner can stay respectful and boundary and receptive in the face of disagreement… Think that’s what you’re getting to with on your part point.
Thanks again for your excellent work. These videos are life-saving, I just wish I had seen them 30 years ago!
Thank you so much for your insight, kindness and information. Truly helpful!
this is a huge thing i want to work on. I am turning 20 soon and am thankful for what this is teaching me. Just started the 12 steps with my first sponsor, and this is exactly the stuff we had talked about.
I like the analogy, because it helps with that self-re-parenting. Thank you.
Watching this because I'm in a new relationship and my abandonment issues/anxious attachment are w r e c k i n g me. Helped highlight some of my issues...
Practically begged my father for advice when i had my 1st girlfriend. I knew sex was getting closer and closer to happening, she brought it up explicitly, and I was freaking out a lil bit. Had a couple beers and called my dad the day before. All he could say was to "sow my seeds". Same day he told my sister the exact opposite 🤣thanks Dad
Your videos are so helpfulllll! Thank you so much for your work!!!!!
This applies so well to friendships as well, thank you so much for these videos
I’ve only recently discovered this channel and already your videos have been very informative and helpful!
Thank you for dedicating time out of your life to make these videos available and thank you for choosing this field. If you ever questioned if it was the right path for you, well I think you chose well :)
It seems a good fit
Possibly the most important video I’ve ever watched.
That chart you showed: WOOOOOOW!!! A while ago I realized my ex was narcissistic. In the beginning, I thought it was intentional, that he enjoyed hurting me and using me. I was the poor victim. However, then I learned he acted that way due to childhood trauma. He would be considered the right side. Every single thing on that right side is him exactly, 24/7. However, the chart made me realize that I would be everything on the left side! So you could say I was/am narcissistic too!!! In the sense of having low self-worth, but using that to seek attention and validation from others. Seeking validation to fuel me instead of being in my frame. That's my shadow side. It doesn't make a sad! It keeps me aware that it's there. But I do know this. Through having a relationship with him, I learned how to stand up for myself. Have confidence in myself. Set boundaries. Slow down and wait for a relationship. Stop being so desperate, etc, etc. I'm very glad I met him and I tell him this to this day. Now, I encourage him to grow and evolve, but I'm not emotionally attached where it's energy-draining. Healing requires a lot of hard conversations, with yourself and others. However, with patience, love, and compassion for yourself. You can change your entire perspective. And begin to live the greatest life possible!
Thank you for videos like this. Watching your content has helped me grow and inspired me to create my own TH-cam Channel, with the goal to help inspire someone to become their best version. I pray for anyone who reads this comment and I want to let you know you are whole and complete just as you are right now. Embrace your light and dark side and know both are okay! Both make you beautifully unique. And it's okay to express them! As long as it's done in an emotionally intelligent way. 2022, let's work to change how we treat people, how we react to situations, and how we talk and view ourselves. You are loved! You got this!
What's really interesting for me is that my partner and I kind of accidentally worked ourselves into a healthy relationship by being kind of opposite--we're both very self reflexive and own our own responsibility and being wrong, but I definitely have more qualities of the first kind of neuroticism and he has more of the second. By holding each other accountable and identifying when either (or both!) of us is on the neurotic end of the spectrum and then working through it together
I've never really stoped to deal with my issues.
I'm high in neuratasism but also high in self reflection and owning my part in conflict. That being said, I'm getting lower in neuratasism as time goes on because I am high in the other 2 qualities. This has come with alot of hardship though.
Good list. Loved the rambling too, don't fret over it. I think it was a little role playing example on the spot.
Well done video
I probably would have gotten some advice from my dad that sounded like “Just be glad you went on a date, you think too much about it” leaving me stuck in my emotions or feel bad about them. Or maybe he’d be compassionate and talk me through it, never knew what to expect
Oh. My God. This is the best video I've ever seen on TH-cam in all my life. I'm mind blown!!! Such a great content !!!
The examples and advice are priceless :) you are so good at what you do. Thank you
I'm going to give this stuff a shot, put it on the playlist, ear buds in, see how it goes.
I just found your channel and it's really helping and and opening my eyes.Thank you!