My biggest red flag that happened recently was I was the only one asking questions. If someone doesn’t want to get to know you on a deeper level…know they aren’t serious.
This is SUCH a problem nowadays! I’m always the only one inquiring about others. Both male and female. No one ever asks me questions about me! It’s impossible for me to connect with someone like that because I’m so genuinely curious about others. Is it something about me, or just something about society? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Nice to meet you too! I'm older and a extrovert. But that doesn't mean I have lost my curiosity, lol. It's definitely a red flag to me if there is no general interest. Seems many people are so self centered and set on just getting by with minimal effort. Jmo
If both people follow this rule, then no one invests, right? Of course, you shouldn't keep investing if you're not getting anything back, but someone has to make the move; although, admittedly, at the start of a relationship, this seems to be the man's job (approaching, arranging a first date)
It's not just men, women do it too. The funny thing about this channel is, it's targeted to women, but 90% of the principles are applicable to men too. The laws of attraction and dating are fundamentally universal.
As I a man. I'd agree. I'd tell other men to simply engage in broad conversations. Then do three things. Insult their current/ex boyfriend/husband in a joking manner. Find out how many single "friends" they have. Do some acts of kindness. If they don't defend their husband or if they trash their ex. Red flag. Lack of respect and maturity. If they have a ton of single friends, she's self centered. She's looking for validation and invests very little in her relationships. If she doesn't return acts of kindness, she won't reciprocate anything else. This is the basic man's shit test.
It’s the difference between a person wanting to do something really cool with SOMEONE vs that person wanting to do a lot more ordinary things with YOU SPECIFICALLY.
I recently met a man who told me about his ex who "was the love of his life". I was proud of myself to see immediately that he was telling me he would never love me - and I ran for my life. In the past I have been hooked into accepting 2nd best place. Lol - growth is good!
But at least he was honest. My story: taken out to dinner by man......found out he was married......he wanted to have affair.....he said he didn't want to leave his wife....apparently the last person to have this spiel DID have an affair with him for 4 years. Poor woman! These people who want everything to compliment their "almost perfect" lives.
Me ex told me he went to see a therapist after he found out his ex wife (of 25+ years but already divorced for 2 years) had started dating someone and even introduced their 2 daughters to her new man. This happened a few months before we started dating. He even told me he had asked his ex wife if she truly loved this new guy. Talk about red flags! In hindsight, he was blatantly telling me he wasn’t over his ex wife and I was there to fill that void and sooth his bruised ego.
As a widow, my new hubby had to tolerate me calling him by my deceased hubby’s name on occasion, without me even knowing it! I asked him to start calling me out on it, and that helped. Love is a very complicated thing, that we can’t turn off and on like a light. I’ve been very lucky to have two “loves of my life”. While they were, and are, their own person, they are so much alike, even my step children have commented on it. When I first met my husband, I asked him what he was doing for Thanksgiving. He said “taking my mum, who’s visiting, to dinner at my former wife’s house”. Right there, I knew this was a man of substance, whom I wanted in my life. When we got married, his former wife and husband, came by our house (where we were married), to see the family she had been part of for 20 odd years, and to toast us. I actually love his former wife, and the four “parents” together support the kids of their relationship, which to me is the most important thing. Good luck, you’re in shark infested waters looking for a great mate. It’s not easy.
this totally makes sense. This explains why generations ago, a father would say," what are your intentions?' He wasn't asking for a proposal, he was saying, My daughter isn't a toy for an experience. How committed are you to having a relationship where communication and responsible behaviors are in place. Proper boundaries are necessary for trust to develop
So true!!!!! As I have become an older adult and gained more wisdom after being in a domestic violent marriage then later on finding real, honest, true love, I now understand why my Daddy never liked any of the guys that I dated until my husband I am with now. I finally have the one who wants to experience all of life with me and loves just being with me no matter what we do, whether it be snuggling on the couch watching movies or going out on vacations with our best friends. We communicate beautifully and we love to listen to each other and he cares.
@@ninelives1979 You are so lucky to have found the right person, after all you've been through. I come from a similar experience-- 36 years m. , self centered, unhealed, emotionally and mentally abusive man, but also in my case, added baggage from my family of origin that I didn't even know needed healing til halfway into my marriage w/ him. He had loads of unhealed baggage himself. And he saw no need to work on his own trauma. In fact, he saw nothing wrong with himself whatsoever, and anything wrong w/ our marriage was all my fault. I chose to work on my own trauma, initially hoping it would fix our marriage, but it didn't. It placed me miles ahead of him into my own healing and growth journey, which eventually led me to divorce him. I'm much happier now, even though starting over has been hard. However I still have some healing to do, apparently, because for the first time I am dating a guy, and while I fee im in love with him, I still don't trust men, I don't trust my own intuition sometimes, and I question everything this guy has done for me the last five months we've dated. I feel like everything is a red flag, I have no idea how to tell the real and genuine from the fake and manipulative. I'm not rushing into anything, and he too (twice divorced) said he wants to go slow. And then, out of the blue, he asked me to move in with him. 😳 Of course, I declined, and told him I want to talk about that later (we were at work at the time. ) We still haven't discussed it yet. He never wants to have conversations outside of work or a date. That felt like a huge red flag to me. Known him two years, dating five months....we don't know each other well enough for that! I made a list of 15 reasons NOT to move in with him. All very valid, all catering to ME and what I want in my life right now, and many tied to my adult kids and grandkids. I am nowhere near ready for that. Plus, after literally half of my life married to a man who managed to gradually change me, ran off friends I'd known long before my ex was in my life, and basically turned me into someone I'm not. Granted, I allowed this to happen. But I didn't know at the time what I was doing. I will never do that again. I will remain true to ME. So now, here's the new guy. And I just don't know what to think. I will always be content to be alone, I LIKE me. I love me. But I'd like to find a true love, just once before I die, so I can see what real, healthy, calm, honest love looks like. Because I really don't know.
I, as a guy, have made these types of mistakes many times. Nobody (and I mean NOBODY) has ever told me in my entire life that what I was doing was wrong and why it was wrong. These videos are so incredibly helpful.
Chasing peaks at the cost of sincere connection is hunting behavior addicts are painfully aware of. You mean well, heck, you reflect critically, which will serve you and your future partner well. Consider bonding experiences the bare bones you seek to flesh out with common goals. If her happiness makes you happy and your happiness makes her happy, i feel good about my envy.
Oh yes! This is absolutely true and I really struggle with this issue these times. It hurts me to experience again and again that certain people who are viewed as ‚friends‘ (they won’t be mich longer, I’m working on that) don‘t show an honest interest in how I am doing. They just need someone to listen and it Takes away my Energy... Anyway, have a great day!❤️
I am the person, my "friends" come to when they have a problem or need something.. It's never just to share their joys or good moments. I've recently cut a few of the more toxic ones out of my life.. including my mom.
Oh my gosh, for sure!! If you are always calling them and going over to them. And they only respond and enjoy your company, but put in minimal effort. Just go. You will exhaust yourself. Like the paddling duck scenario.
When he started talking about little betrayals to yourself, I almost started crying. So often I think as women we settle for something that falls short and try to accommodate ourselves and make that thing work. Instead of standing strong and not settling, pursuing something that is worth holding out for.
This is so true! In my last relationship, I kept justifying it to myself and making excuses in my mind like - well I can “put up with” this if xyz is still good. But day by day, parts of me were chipping away. It was like I had to fit into this container for HIS expectations, when I’ve heard it should be the other way around with masculine and feminine energy. The masculine energy should hold space for a feminine energy to be free flowing and loving. That’s our natural state.
Some of us men also experience this. There were so many points in my last relationship with my now ex fiancé, that I thought if I put up with something or forgave her for something things would get better. Only for her to end up dumping me after 5.5 years. I’m now looking back at it wondering why I thought things would get better when nothing was actually changing. She would frequently gaslight me and even convinced me at one point that I had to do more and that I wasn’t good enough for her.
It takes practice and patience to recognize when a relationship is built on escapism. I see this a lot especially in online dating, people looking to escape their boredom with dates but not actually looking for authentic, long-lasting connections even though they might say that's what they're looking for. I think a lot of humans don't even know what escapism is in themselves or in other people.
When my partner and I were initially long distance, I let him reach out to me and initiate visits more than I did to get a sense of where he was really at and what he was desiring. He called me. He suggested him coming to visit and then he did. He started doing that every other weekend. When we talked, our phone conversations would often last hours and we talked about everything, including our everyday lives. After seeing that, I called him more and visited him during my school breaks. It was so clear from the beginning that he wanted a genuine connection and a real, committed relationship!
@@slardebard No, she gave him the room in the beginning to make up his own mind and time to make up hers. So she gave him the lead in the beginning, learned more about him in the process, and reciprocated that all along the way. If it worked well for both of them, I can find nothing to criticize there. Seems pretty organic and wise to me.
Imagine being married to someone like this. The relationship never goes deep. Stays completely superficial. I literally thought I was losing my mind. Then came divorce( my idea) and the awakening. Thank goodness I have been out for years now. With my eyes wide open.
Well done you for getting out. I am in a relationship for 3 years that is still superficial with no emotional intimacy and sometimes he can’t be bothered to talk to me. It’s draining.
@@EMichaelBall Oh, that's right, you're an armchair authority, right? LOL Women, just like men, wants someone compatible who actually cares about them.
@Helen Taylor Trouble is, most women can’t tell the difference in real time (read: before it’s too late and the man she had won’t take her back) between superficial charm and someone who actually cares about them. I prefer to learn from others than my own hard knocks. (Original reply removed because I can’t modify posts on mobile)
What I love about my husband as he has never asked my messy ADHD self to change for him, and I haven't asked his Autistic anti social self to change. But its easy to sort of mesh together. We understand each other. We both can feel close, sitting saying nothing to each other. Yes we do special things together, but just being together feels right. We trust each other
This is the wholesome goal that I've always wanted but worried my ADHD and or autism would sully it somehow since people have a hard time understanding me But you gave me hope 🫂
Please avoid using the term antisocial as it has the extremely negative connotations of the antisocial personality disorder. Use the terms unsociable, reserved or reclusive instead.
@@rafezetter8003I agree that we should never change another person. However if they are being abusive or disrespectful then it's okay to ask them to change their behavior. I just got out of a very abusive relationship where the guy tried to excuse very violent behavior by saying that me asking him to change his behavior was no different than asking him to change who he is. Dating coaches need to do more to teach us the difference between asking for a person to change their personality versus their behavior.
I appreciate you not shaming people who are just out there looking for experiences. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you are communicative as to what you are offering.
@@Paarthurnaxdova this is my transparent approach and I've had a wonderful time with some lovely women. Sure some decline but some have interest in the same thing. So while that not be what you're looking for and that's great you know yourself, not everyone is you. To each their own.
Wow I’m immediately a fan. This guy really has emotional intelligence. He’s not teaching men to be the way “men think women like” but actually the way women like. He’s teaching women to understand men too. He’s teaching people about people. About themselves. It’s incredible. The perceptiveness of this guy
"Emotional intelligence" shouldn't trump rationality or perspective. The men that his female clients actually want aren't watching his videos because they don't need to in order to get what they want. The men that are watching his videos and doing what he recommends won't become more attractive to the women they want as a result. That's the brutal reality of it all. You can't negotiate your way to genuine attraction.
@@maloxi1472 - Emotional Intelligence has rationality and perspective at it's core. I think you've missed the real point - your opinions say an awful lot about your attitudes towards women and men.
@@maloxi1472 The target audience of his videos and his work has always been women, not men. That's why he focuses on telling women what to look for in a guy and what to be themselves. He's not trying to change men, he's telling us how to find and attract the ones already worth being with.
@@MrR40388 I absolutely agree. The two people who Matthew describe sound like good people who like each other who are naively trying to be compatible, however simply don't have compatible seduction styles. Like chalk and cheese.
It sounds like this guy isn't even interested in a relationship though, he just wants to go do fun things. And it's quite likely she's not the only woman he's doing them with.
It often presents itself as 'love bombing' (sending gifts and becoming overly committed "you're the love of my life" after 1 week / way too early). Will add that some people aren't as good digital communicators and that needs to be taken into account. In this particular case (across the pond relationship) you'd almost need both parties to be "good" for this to work. But I've dated people who had piss poor text/email/app whatever habits but were lovely people IRL.
@@dante6985 I'm pretty bad at texting and I realize that long distance is not a thing I could deal with. In relationships I still see that I put in time for at least an exchange of messages at the end of the day. Using the L word way too early is also a pretty big red flag.
@@dante6985 Totally! This happened to me. What saved me was pacing things slowly. I only saw him 1x a week for the first month.. Narcissists don't like boundaries! Could take a while even doing that because it's a challenge for them at first, but it will eventually not be enough supply for them so they'll discard (ask me how I know). You also have to be mostly healed...for example a codependent will stick to a narcissist like glue no matter how much they hurt you...the trauma bond is real...if we're not mostly healed.
@@dante6985I am guilty of love bombing my now ex-husband but we were married for 20 years and had 3 daughters together. In saying that I do the same thing with our daughters, I am trying to be more self aware and pull myself up.
I wish I had seen this prior to my last relationship. I laughed when you said waste a year because I wasted FIVE years on someone who did this. I got strung along for a big fat nothing in the end. I hope people take this seriously because it’s no joke. You can lose the best years of your life with these fools before you even realize it.
I've been here before. My ex had no real interest in me, but I provided a fun time and experience due to being highly agreeable and open to experience. It's not a fun place to be really into someone who is merely using you. So glad those days are behind me.
Oh dang...this video makes me realize I'm looking to have experiences, but not intimate relationships. I just want a companion to do stuff with. 😕 I guess I need to very open and honest right up front. Thank you for this video.
This is SUCH a brilliant explanation of having (fun) experiences vs taking clear steps towards building and maintaining (closer) intimacy. I heard recently "'Maybe he doesn't love you, but he enjoys you."
I learned that a partner is right for you when you can be yourself and be creative. When one is in a toxic relationship there is no personal growth. In my last marriage I was isolated and kept my head down and was so depressed. I never had a happy thought so how could I see myself painting or singing or laughing at anything?
You right, is not easy be yourself when we live in a society thst constantly judge you. Not wearing a mask with someone in your life and be truthfull and you true self is one of the major goal in a relation ship. Also being supportive, but being ourself (not in a toxic way) is a really wonderfull thing that many underrated
But there needs to be a bit more, like in this situation of the London trip. There has to be an actual interest in the person and a true commitment to making the relationship grow and improve.
I’ve never been able to understand what was going on, until now. Seeking the validation of someone who was incapable of anything but using me as a tool is… Eye opening. Thank you! 🙏
I just went through this. He didn’t see me as a person, only someone to fulfill his needs. We were long distance, but when we would spend time together (sometimes weeks) I was always “taking care of him”, and he was all with the grand gestures and love bombing, so I at first thought it was an equal give and take. When we would be apart, all he started to want to talk about were sexual things after a while. When I confronted him about our lack of communication about our regular lives, he would ignore me completely. I started realizing he was a narcissist, and the cycle of grand gestures and going cold is just part of how they operate. Once they get what they need, they don’t consider the other person at all. It’s still hard to look at those romantic times with the knowing that it was all a facade to get what he wanted from me, but I’m glad I realized my needs weren’t getting met at all.
This rings true for me. Last guy I dated basically wanted to slot me into the role his ex played, doing the things they liked doing together, but which weren’t what I enjoyed. He didn’t want to learn about me, just have me pop into the space left by her, including assuming I was on board rather than asking. It was actually a little creepy. I’m glad I twigged quickly and said adios.
Yes I've experienced that, too. Then he started getting a bit irritated when I wouldn't dress or act the way his ex would have. I never met his ex! Oh, no. Adios!
I experienced the same with my last ex. Basically he was grooming me to turn into his deceased wife, to do the things she did, act like she did, even look like she did. I caught on and left him
@@dawazagaming Where did you hear him say they had sex? If they had sex after finally meeting once the pandemic eased up, thats at least a year of time. Is a year not long enough for an adult woman trust the man she's been getting to know? Why is it seen as stupid for her and not for him even though he is the one exhibiting bad behavior? I hope that you dont misunderstand me and think that I am asking these questions to pick a fight because I will not be responding after this. These questions are purely rhetorical to make you think, because clearly you did not think that comment all the way through before posting it. 😊
I’m 73…having had 4 older brothers, 2 sons, grandson, 17 male cousins and knowing countless men in business and personal life, you are so right. Men want the pleasure or your body not you heart or mind in general. Eventually they will choose to get serious, until then it’s all about pleasure for themselves and how to get it.
@@redvelvetshoes In regards to physical abuse, yes.. But watch out for poisoners, higher of assassins and thug associates/new bfs. In regard to emotional and financial abuse, I don't think there is any gender difference.
1. Can he tolerate your "no" (and then observe him how he behaves) 2. He and you have an opposite opinion about something and you both can negotiate a solution? (observe him how he's negotiating). 3. Can a guy wait? (observe him what a guy does when you don't rush things). 4. Can a guy listen to what you are saying and respond to it? (and then observe his behavior). And now new number 5. "Looking for experiences" , yes, those guys do exist. They want to make exciting memories but not necessarily a relationship. Very true. They are looking for "peak experiences". And then they disappear after that peak experience and you are like "what?". (.. for males checking out females change he to she)
Its funny to read women given women coaching how to behave with dating men. I will only give 1 coaching tip to any man. Women make rules for beta but break rules for alpha. Men lead, women follow. If a women is behaving like this she is not feminine and you should all just leave her with her cats and dogs.
You nailed it! Some are incapable of intimacy but need experiences with others and/or need others to care for without the need/desire for knowing and being known. Super red flag: when they never ask sincerely how you are or how your life is going.
My biggest RED FLAG, is when someone is happy to talk about themselves and be listened to, but when you want to talk they interrupt you with what they were thinking about while you were talking. Sometimes you only get to say one word and they start talking again, even if they just asked how are you, lol 😂
I feel as though I do this and I try very hard to be aware and stop myself. I've been isolated in a 6 year relationship where I pretty much had to lose all of my friends to keep my ex. Now, I have such anxiety socially but also this feeling of freedom that when I do see friends I conoletely bulldoze the conversation and when it's time to go separate ways, I immediately think "FUCK I DID IT AGAIN HOW DID I NOT EVEN ASK ABOUT THEM". I usually send a text apologizing and explaining that. But it also worries me, do I really care about others or just myself, and how do I change? Not a direct question to you OP, but anyone who hopefully comes across this comment as well. Sigh. I know I do care. I'm just lost. 😮
I also have ADHD 🤦🏼♀️ (doctor diagnosed since 8 years old, so im not a pandemic person just saying I do lol). I've actually done this most of my life anyways. Just much worse now.
Sorry to hear of your plights, it can’t be easy for either of you, when chatting to others all I can suggest is imagine it’s a phone call, it needs balance between listening and talking, it’s how you get to know people, a bit like a first date, where you’re inquisitive but mindful of the other person needing time to get to know you. I know it’s very easy to dominate a conversation when you’ve recently done something exciting, and that’s why you meet friends to share and update them….but stop, breathe and listen to their life’s journey too. I’m fortunate that in life I’ve had many varied jobs, hobbies, and interests, and being a good listener and learner, it meant when working with the homeless, I could easily relate to them and be empathetic. Genuinely listening and talking so others feel comfortable is natural to me, but you can learn to do it, and it’s amazingly rewarding. I love sharing the fun stuff I do with various groups of friends, but hearing their experiences enhances and inspires me too, to do more, and be a better friend, most importantly are they ok, do they need a hug, help or both. JPS. Anyone who recognises and apologises for their mistakes is a ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ friend to me.
Yup! This guy a dated every time we got on the phone he could not stop talking about himself and what he had going on… I sometimes would mute him! lol and he would even talk about other peoples lives and what not, like are you kidding me? It’s not bad enough you talk for an hour straight about yourself now your talking about people you know and what they do?! Ugh when he would ask about me or I would jump in once he took a breathier to have conversation with what he was saying he would cut me off. When together he would talk about celebrities! He once asked me why I don’t open up to him ummm 🤔. Stupid guy
I have found true unconditional love in my my 2 little rescued kittens who have grown into 2 beautiful Cats.. I love them with all my heart and they love me back.. the best part is ..this love will never become less or get lost in time.. i feel i dont need the love of a human anymore.
That's very sad. Cats are unable to fulfill a human's need for HUMAN contact. Nothing against cats. Or digs. Or parakeets. Or any being that is not a HUMAN being. You might want to seek therapy, to find you are worth more than an animal companion. Good luck.
@@ElizabethBrewster-cw4mx not necessarily. Humans can just plain suck. It's actually rather common for animal lovers to prefer their pets over humans because their experience with humans has been a huge disappointment. Not always a need for therapy. More just a need for a human interaction that restores the person's faith in humanity.
when I met my boyfriend, two days after we met on a night out he asked me if he could 'use my washing machine' because his had supposedly broken. I said yes and he showed up in the morning with a bag of fresh coffee - he had washed his clothes by hand the night before and said he really just wanted to see me and go on a picnic 😄 It was a major green flag and we've been together ever since
I am my own North star ⭐. I divorced him 11 years ago and have become the person I was meant to be, not the target of his tantrums.. The greatest love is the one you have for yourself 💓
Amen!!!❤😂🙏🥂. And it’s fine the date people but women please quit sleeping with him. You’re making it too easy had these guys are married is screwing on their wives.
Great job moving away from that!!! The tantrums are the worst and I do NOT miss them!! His own dog would hide in the corner and I’d point that out to him and he chose not to improve that. He was also only available to do something HE wanted to do. I’m glad I left that behind. I’ve betrayed myself before not realizing I want a real partner and not someone who only wants the infatuation. Now there is NO SURRENDER of who I am, my value, and waiting for the person I want and a real partner! 😁
This isn't exactly a match for "Love bombing" but I think it's close enough to be equally a red flag. A lover bomber is someone who invests big into you, and then pulls away after a couple weeks to get you to do all the giving in the relationship for the rest of your life (or usefulness to the other person) And if you don't keep it up, they leave you for someone else.
there's actually a word for this; narcissist these type of people will love bomb, get you to open up then after all the lust has worn off, they will pull away emotionally and regrettably, start using your honesty and empathy against you.
I had a similar situation with a man I was speaking to long distance. He would get on the phone with me and then within 10-15 minutes he would make some excuse to get off the phone. So I asked him why he wasn’t trying to communicate with me and if I made him feel bored. He said that wasn’t it at all. I told him I’d prefer to have longer, high quality conversations so we can know each other. He listened to me and our relationship developed quickly. Now we’re married and I moved to his country and I’m watching him cook me dinner while I’m making this comment. 😂 Things can really rebound if you address the issue AND THEY LISTEN and your intentions are aligned.
I spent 17 years with someone, betraying my North Star. I grew up with surprisingly strong self-esteem despite emotional neglect from my parents, and I never put it together that I really started hating myself when I started chasing validation from people who didn't value me...you've given me something to think about...
First off, never sleep with anyone until you have a commitment. Sex will override getting to actually know a person. No sex, no remorse if it doesn’t work out. Life isn’t all about feelings. Learn that and you will follow your truth.
Too true. Women also need to understand that her brain on birth control hormones is attracted to men that her "regular" brain wouldn't be attracted to.
@@godsire6217 yes, because factually ...there's no such thing. There are people using other people, but that's words used to clean up the reality . Casual Sex just means the man doesn't want any responsibility for what might happen. And a woman is desperately seeking affirmation and a few brief moments of being wanted. It's ugly. It's degrading. It's horribly sad.
@kitiwake, that ist not what's said. A commitement has not always to be a marriage and children. But I wanted to say the same. as terrifiorelli9819. Especially as a woman you should think about getting physical. Often men do not see any neccessarity of investing more in the relationship if they already get what they want. (It can of course also be women behaving this way but we all know how it works usually.😉) There is no shame if both wants to get physical just to be physical, but women often believe the man will start to love them if they do and that is just a big mistake. I do not want to blame anybody because of wanting sex or not wanting any more, but as one is only wanting that and the other one believes is a step to something more at least the second one will be disappointed. So just make sure you both want the same grade of intimacy and relationship BEFORE you give more you would like to give at your lowest common denominator.
What this means in my book is he's a love addict. He loves the feeling of being in love and excitement - but doesn't want real love. Love can be boring but it's rewarding that these people won't ever understand. Him getting on a plane is exciting for him because he's getting a dopamine high but he isn't looking for closeness. Matthew I love your wisdom!! ❣️
This is a very very interesting aspect. This kind of getting excited, the whooosh of dopamin but not the real deep intimacy. Well I confess that it must happen to everybody to like this excitement but I think if one feel that this is all or asymetric this is the end of the ‚ relationship‘
Same. Mine was all about the fun times, taking me out for dinner, away on trips, but it felt hollow, shallow, and meh in the time in between. Dreadful communicator when we weren't apart, it was the boring texts and 3 minute chats about nothing, never going deeper, that got me in the end and I finished it. It's lovely being treated and taken out when you've barely had that in your life, but if that's all there is, it's boring after a while.
Matthew, I have watched many many videos of yours, but, in my humble opinion, this was the best one. The message of finding ones North Star and, as a result of it, gaining self respect and therefore being able to say no to the things that do not help us reach out North Star is such an important message. This video has a very empowering, clear, lesson. You are probably not going to see this message, but Thank you for that.
Thank you!! I actually pushed someone away for this reason, and after that had a bit of a bitter taste because I wasn’t sure if I made the right decision, this confirms my decision and strengthens me to do the same next time.
Lest you kind of lose your center over the course of a 10 year relationship and your partner develops an addiction to stimulants and very suddenly hanging out with you is their 4th, 5th, 6th favorite thing to do and it causes you to question your very self worth and perception. Life is an incredible learning experience
I think relationship wise my North Star is telling me I need to find myself more than I need a man right now. If one comes along without me even trying to put myself out there, then time will tell if it's meant to be. 🍒
The guy who didn't communicate regularly and just wanted trips? He is TAKEN. He can't get away with long conversations because he has a partner or long-term girlfriend. He CAN dismiss trips as being "business". When I met my husband I was 42 and he was 47. He called me every single night. He KNEW to show that he was available and that he cared about me. The REAL red flag in your example is that this guy isn't FREE to communicate.
When I started spending time with Jim...he was working on getting his masters as a middle aged man. We discussed that both of us were limited financially. We agreed that we enjoy spending time together. We agreed that the activities that we did together would be free! Walks. Bag lunch. Free concerts. Hiking. Time with friends. Volunteering. It was amazing how many activities we could come up with! Leaving $$$$$ out of relationships seems to focus more on who the other person is....morals, integrity, character, etc.
Aww. 😭 I hope I can find a relationship like this one day. It's exhausting to me when a relationship and the time spent together always revolves around spending a bunch of money. I want to someday find a partner who is willing to have fun with me even if we don't spend a single dollar. I do enjoy doing things that cost money sometimes, but I have found in past relationships that ive been with people who can't seem to have fun unless money is being spent. (Not even just with me specifically, but in general it seemed like they couldn't have fun unless they were doing something that costs money.)
So very true, every word. My "little trip" was 4 years of weekends that eventually went no where. Four years of my life I will never get back. It's amazing how our needs lead us into directions we really don't want to go in.
This was a light bulb moment for me. My last relationship was around experiences not listening communication. Not about what was important to me, thank you this have been valuable for me
I came to this realization approximately 2 years ago and this is gold! It was also a painful realization. I’d rather get on with life on an ugly truth, rather than a pretty lie. Great insight!
If I had heard this 40 years ago, I would have run from the marriage I had in this type of relationship. Although I am late to the party, I am grateful to you for doing this for anyone else that is at the beginning of the same situation and can recognize it and make better decisions. 💞
This had to be the biggest wake up call ever. I never knew why I was so upset with my choices and so depressed Everytime this kind of man and I ended up ending things. This is now crystal clear
Coming out of a DV relationship and through healing I'm doing better at noticing red flags. Also have the mindset to not get attached quickly and keep my boundaries firm. I love that you share this information
I’m sorry you went through that. It’s almost been a year since I left mine and I’ve come so far and it still feels surreal. Stay strong, you’re not alone and I hope we’ll both experience greater depths of love that we deserve from various relationships (romantic, familial, friendship) xx
What I thought was “romantic” years ago, I now realise was a huge red flag. Turning up unexpectedly, wanting to spend every waking moment with me (effectively controlling what I was doing and who I was seeing). Even my kids say I attract the “stalker” type!
Omg same! For some reasons, I tend to attract the controlling and toxic types and just. Why. What am I doing to deserve that. I'm honestly wondering if it's because my masked autism seems through a bit still and these people see cracks to exploit for their personal benefit (and to my detriment)? It's a really uncomfortable situation.
A while back I moved to another city for work, I had no girl friends to hang out with. I met my neighbour .She was friendly we went out for drinks and she suddenly kissed me.I didn't know she was gay . Got a bit awkward decided to avoid her. She turned out to be Crazy stalker type . Stole my clothes from downstairs laundry would wait under my bld in her car for hours .
@@unrulycrow6299 I do wonder what traits I display that I attract these types. Probably my goodwill, almost naiveté, not good with setting boundaries and loyalty. I think I'm also attracted to toxic types due to them being familiar to me due to toxic childhood and I find the types that'd be good for me uninteresting, almost boring. Once I start dating again, I think I'll have to be much more intentional.
@@kokoskokso well, start setting boundaries then! And right from the start! You'll see that most toxic psychos and narcs will leave you alone in a blink of an eye!
Matthew! That you said is TOTALLY CORRECT! I realized it early and I decided to be brave and loyal to myself and don't lie myself. But before that a couple of times I refused to see reality. I learned my lesson until the third time. And it's a super power! ... Please don't sabotage your own path. If we want a relationship with empathy communication, to be heard and listen, mutuality, integrity, honesty, respect... Start with ourselves.
I relate to this so much. These innocent trips sometimes do be damaging for us. Rolling the dice over to see what happens only to find out you're hurting. I haven't found any depths in any of the relationships i have been. Though i approached them thoughtfully but it was never reciprocated in the same manner. It's really evident from the inconsistent behaviour that someone is just not there where you are, for whatever reason so. One of the best things that have moved me from a place of hurting and disappointments is, 1. not focusing outward trying to decipher them and the potential dynamics 2. focusing inwards towards something that will let me touch my core and heal it. We're all wounded children trying to get some love. I don't know what family you come from, what is your story. But i do know the moment you start looking inwards with great compassion and love. You will naturally leave spaces that do not honor you. You will lose interest in people you have been chasing. You will see yourself more than what people have told you consistently to break your heart. Because you're more than a pretty face, you're more than a body, you're more than what you offer at the table to get some love. You're more than someone who is looking for a partner, to build that family. And when you're out of the chase game not looking at people's face whether they love you or not. That's the highest level of self respect you've unlocked. Thank you for not giving them your strings away. :') Thank you for holding your ground even though it's sometimes lonely. So brave of you. Thankyou for becoming your own person first. I'm so glad you cherish yourself more than false promises and unmet needs. Thank you for being the person who discerns healthy from toxic. You're very brave.❤ Go sit with yourself and tell yourself that you're enough and amazing and a brilliant human being no matter what happened with you or how broken your heart has been or which part of darkness you've lurked in. You're very much capable of pulling yourself out from any vicious cycles. Let your inner child be proud of you. Have that form of self love in your heart and let the rest of the things fall naturally around you darling, you're the centre of your universe and everything revolves around you.
This is one of those issues I have observed more with men who have money than men of more modest means. Those with money want to do fun things for which they need a companion- like fine dining, concerts or theater. I once dated a man who treated me to truly AMAZING events. Really, the most incredible dates. But in the end, I realized that the attraction wasn’t to me for me. It was that I liked to do the same things as he did.
@@michaelyoon9355 I think what they mean is that there’s a difference between wanting to do an activity with a person because that person is someone you want to make happy and whose company you enjoy, and doing something with a person just because they happen to be available/like doing the same things.
@@michaelyoon9355 Yes, we were having fun together. And that would be fine. But if your goal is a long lasting romantic relationship, you can tell if it is going to go anywhere. Some men only want a companion to do things. They don't want a life partner. People need to be more specific about their ultimate goals.
It's not mostly men with money. The people with less money just do it differently. Mine devotes all him time and attention 1 time every 2 weeks outside of that it's ghost town. He cooks (instead of fine dining) puts on special Playlists (instead of concerts). I think they are trying to get a fix of a relationship without the relationship. Like they don't want just a fling, but they don't want the whole package so they do this. I know Mathew said there's nothing wrong with it. But there is when they know you want more so they string you along (which is where I'm at now)
When men have the financial means to offer “grand gestures” there is often no deeper meaning to it, for them the cost is insignificant, but the result is an over romanticised connection by the other person who is getting caught up in the excitement of a grand gesture. He is looking for fulfilment in the moment, and she is looking for fulfilment in a relationship. The two are very different dynamics. Always communicate your needs and pay attention to the actions of others.
Yes, this happened to me. He would buy me almost anything I wanted because he was a high earner-which in the beginning made me feel he was REALLY into me; however, he barely made the effort to really get to know me. It was a very surface level relationship and I eventually ended it.
@@FTYC2022 it’s like a type of love bombing. The person doesn’t always realise the impact of offering such a grand gesture because to them the cost is insignificant, but for someone who perhaps isn’t used to that type of treatment, we interpret it as “wow, he must be really interested in me and invested in where this is going.” Often in this type of dynamic you’ll also see apologies in the forms of gifts. Not a great foundation for a relationship.
True: we may even see the Red flags but we discount them as not being significant as we want to give the new relationship a chance & the new person the benefit of the doubt..
Amazing, the way you described my own experience! I asked my partner whether I was simply a supplier of good experiences or if there was more in our relationship. He said the question made absolute sense and it was also about me and our relationship. But in fact our communication was very poor, he avoided any "deep" conversation. To cut the story short, our North stars were very different. And I looked the other way instead of acknowledging that that relationship was leading to nowhere but deceiving and disappointment. We split two weeks ago, it aches a lot and I now have to put myself together. It will take a long time, you are so right!
I’m so sorry to hear this, but it’s good you have done this. If you stayed longer, who knows what might have been left of you. You dodged a bullet. I know what you’re going through but you’re better off without your ex. I can speak from experience when I say that you’ll be relieved eventually and be so much better in a moment of time. Just keep him where he belongs: behind you. Stay strong beautiful person, never let your crown slip off your head for someone who is below you. You got this, I believe in you just like how I believed in myself back then. I recognize your story.
@@iamhamou9897 Reading messages like yours at the end of the day really makes me feel so good! I’m sending you all the love back because you deserve so.
I am so grateful for this video. Came at the right time when I’m coming to terms with what I truly want and all the times I settled for breadcrumbs. My last experience was with someone who would make these grand gestures, we were also long distance. Communication would die out when we were apart. I let myself invest in him and get emotionally vulnerable when he was closed off. We went on a trip, had the best time and a few days later after confronting him, he broke it off over text message. I was involved with this person for over 6 months. It hurt like hell for a while but now I know when to cut it off when things like that emerge. Thank you.
I was just having a similar conversation with someone who wanted to do more activities together which is great but I also conveyed how the more regular, even mundane things like checking in and just taking the time to share pieces of ourselves and spending time discovering who we are and talking about our relationship too, e.g. any problems, miscommunictions, priorities, feedback is healthy and positive as it's time well spent with the activities and experiences are the whipped cream and cherries on top of any cake of a relationship. Having been a widow for four years now, after a 30+ year relationship with my husband and best friend, I'm not missing the activities and experiences, I'm missing the more grounded of talking, checking in and catching up. I know we've gotten to the point where we know what each other was thinking and how each other would react but that's what I miss the most: I miss my partner.
You are expecting this older man you are seeing to be a certain way. He's a man. The fact that he's with you is the most important thing.( I'm a guy). I respect your long marriage, but this guy can't compete with a man who has passed away. Value your boyfriend for who he is because older women don't have the pick of the litter. Millions of lonely women out there. Your list of demands should he about 5 items long. (Non abusive, reasonably trustworthy, etc)
@@GUITARTIME2024 Oh, no, I wasn't talking to a boyfriend. I was talking to a friend about relationships and using my marriage as an example. Of course, I'd value any guy who I'm interested in building that connection with as a new connection but he would understand that I would have set up boundaries and expectations on what I loved about my last relationship and demonstrate that in the new relationship with that person. As a result of losing my partner, I came away with some valuable lessons on how I could be a better partner to someone. Just one other note, older women don't have pick of the litter because they're less desireable; the litter itself has gotten smaller. Older gentlemen have given up with misogynistic attitudes thinking they're better off without us and also there is the sad fact that there is an epidemic of suicide in middle-aged men, some in already committed relationships. There's a mental health crisis because most men don't have the emotional support systems that they used to have and that women still have.
@@GUITARTIME2024 Can I ask you something? You say the fact that a man is with a woman is the most important thing. I definitely agree. But I'm curious about your nuance in how you define "with". To what degree and in what areas can a man stray from being "with" a woman before he is no longer "with" that woman? For example, if a man is flirting with women in person or online, does that mean he isn't "with" his partner? Can a man be "with" a woman if in his mind, he's daydreaming about and seeking thoughts of and experiences of being aroused by and arousing to other women? Or if a man is investing his excited emotional energy in another woman, and when he comes to home to his partner he is just a normal regular every day guy, without the excitement, emotional energy, interest, pep in his step, or "desire" to engage with his partner in the same way he is desiring and engaging with other women? How does that affect whether he is "with" his partner? I'm just curious what your perspective is about what it looks like for an older adult man to be in a healthy relationship. At what point does his interest in other women become "disrespectful" to the point that you would consider that he is no longer "with" his partner? Or that he is not capable of being in a healthy relationship?
@@Lucky9_9 long story short: if he's s reasonably good guy, but seems to get little crushes or a little flirty with other women, let it go unless it goes beyond that. Guys can love their wife or long term gf very much but still have their mental energies diverted sometimes. Its how we're built. We compartmentalize. My main advice: make him feel wanted and valued, and get frisky in bed. So many women forget this.
@@Lucky9_9 I lost interest in their opinion when they said older women don't have the pick of the litter. So basically settle and take what you can get as long as they're alive and don't abuse you. Women deserve better than that.
I was seeing someone about 4 yrs ago. After our first two dates I was glad I had met him. We spent a lot of time hanging out. Within a month I picked up the first red flag when he and I were on the phone one evening. He was being quiet,wasn't saying much. I asked if he was okay, he says "Yeah, why?" I told him "You just don't seem up for conversation." He then said, "I've just had a long day, I'm a little tired." So I told him "Well I can let you go then." Most people would say "Okay yeah thanks for understanding." His response was, "You're gonna let me go?" "I can see you seem real upset about it." Lol. Just very passive aggressive. We were seeing each other for a year. When things were good, they were great, but when he started playing head games it got frustrating. As time went on he became emotionally abusive. Never physically. Only emotionally. One time we were working on easing our way back into dating relationship after a couple of arguments. He manipulated, used the one excuse that actually made me believe what he was saying to me was true. He would tell me "I need to see change before we get back together." There was nothing about me I needed to change, and when I told him "If you think I need to "change," then why are you still talking to me, hanging out with me?" He would then turn it around and say "Oh so you're doing the victim blaming." He used whatever he could to try and me think it was all me. He would do the silent treatment, or tell me that we would talk on a specific day. He was a control freak. As more time went on, I realized that he didn't care about being in a dating relationship, he liked the idea that I had been persuing things and had shown interest, and that's all it was about. He used sex as a weapon. Meaning we were never intimate until he felt like it. Intimacy is important to me, he knew it, and used it against me just like a lot of other things. During Jan of 2021 when I was still in in communication with him a little bit, I met someone else. I was hanging out with this new guy more, I was careful because I didn't want to assume things were great like I did before. However as time went on, I just knew he was a good guy. I got that sense and feeling that things would be good. When you know you just know. I had lost all interest in the other one, and even to the point the sound of his voice would annoy me. I would reject going out with him, and he started to become more curious. I told him on the phone that I met someone else and I'm not interested in things moving forward anymore with him. He was silent. That was a slap in the face of reality to him. He said "Oh so you cheated on me?" I said "Yes." And he didn't care about that, it was the fact his ego had been let down, I was no longer pursuing him, it was over. So this new guy and I were dating for a year and a half, and we are now married. We've had a few disagreements like any couple can have, but he has never played any sort of head games with me or disrespected me. He was a true gentleman when we first met and started dating, and he's still a gentleman. Still opens doors, all of that. Flowers every birthday and valentine's. He's a true romantic. I am happy we met and are still together. We have 4 beautiful furbabies that we take on road trips and go do fun things together as a family. So I will say to angone who is currently dating and this person is playing head games with you, I understand that it's not that easy to just dump their a**. Even if all of your friends have told you to do it, and they have even said that person is not good for you. You're in it, you've been involved with this person for a long time. The longer you talk to this person or hang out with them, the harder it is to break away from it. It's an emotional trap. When you have gone through this type of thing, it makes you a stronger person, you become more thick skinned, you are more quick on your feet to any red flags that come up, and then it becomes a complete turn off. Also just remember when they do this to you, they have done this to others as well, and it will continue.
He was likely a narcissist. Sounds like an ex bf I knew almost a decade before we dated or got romantically involved. He seemed like a potential Mr. Right & he convinced me to move (out of state) after we'd dated long distance for awhile. I got a job there first but he helped me by sharing his home since I had to start over (& major moving expenses). In the 3rd year his personality changed like Jeckyll & Hyde. Started with criticism & belittling disguised as jokes. Eventually became a control freak. I didn't see the flags til he was verbally abusive to me. Also yelled at his beloved cat so loud it scared the pee out of him (literally)! No resources on DV or narcissism like YT back then, but a counselor told me he was an abu$er. Luckily one of our friends (I was isolated, all friends & acquaintances I knew were through the bf) was at their office late one night so I was able to reach out. Despite being his close buddy in college & yrs since, he told me he'd seen the ugly side. It was an answer to my prayers & helped me get out. Later, I saw a Dr Phil episode about a narcissistic abu$ive husband & it described my ex exactly. Despite the resulting financial & emotional damage I'm so grateful I got out of that experience in time & learned the warning signs!
@orahs_world If you have a car, make enough money to get yourself and your babies into a better situation and support yourself and them, then do it. At this point your subjecting your kids to an unhealthy environment that they did not choose and that is not fair to them. Do something about it! Your kids will resent you for this one day.
Had this type of relationship 25 years ago. Always on the go, always a new experience, barely any time to catch my breath. Oh, it was so exciting meeting so many new people (everywhere we went we ran into people he knew), but the VERY subtle tell that this wasn't going anywhere is a comment he would always make when we would meet up. He said, "You're the girlfriend I always wanted." Not life partner. Not wife. Not mother of my children. Girlfriend. That's all he wanted, a girlfriend to have exciting experiences with. I wasted 5 years of my life on this guy. Smh.
@UnicornsAreNice No. In fact, you’d be surprised how satisfying it is for men, especially those over 30, to come home to no nagging, fights, irrational thinking, or a hardened battle axe. We can dedicate ourselves to hobbies, friends, or absolutely nothing at all, without anyone berating us for it, or interfering in our wallets. Our brains fundamentally work differently and more logically than yours; The Lone Wolf Channel, Man Talk, and Alexander Grace are the best at explaining how the two sexes think. It’s women who are the ones crying in the shower all alone because their life is just an empty shell devoid of real love and connection after we went our own way.
Thank you for this video. I have realized that I am the person who wants an experience and my boyfriend is looking at a full future together. I need to make this right.
Good for you! I'm just getting old enough to realize this too--some people come in and out of your life. A goodbye for now is not a goodbye forever, esp if you leave on good/friendly terms. If you're honest and upfront now and he respects that, who knows? Maybe when you're ready to have a future he'll be available and you'll hit it off again
@@hollys6299 I feel like this is a mistake a lot of women make. If you aren’t ready, cool, but don’t think he’s going to be there in the future. If he is looking for something long term and real, he deserves that and will find it with someone else. He’ll see you didn’t appreciate him being a good guy the first time around. I mean, put yourself in his shoes. Would you accept being told he doesn’t want to commit and then take him back later when he’s ready? Heck no.
V Sand even if he does get married in the meantime, the divorce rate is a coin flip at this point so yeah there's still a chance either way. I never said it was a guarantee. And yeah I've been in this position and took my ex back. I repected his honesty and was grateful for it. The only guy i ever gave a second chance to and it was mainly bc i appreciated the courage it took to be that honest w someone. Didnt work out, but i have no regrets and look back on our time fondly. Seems like its a deal breaker for you and thats cool. To each their own.
@@hollys6299 I’ve never dated a man who hasn’t wanted to commit to me. I’ve just never been interested in games so I choose men who don’t play any. The divorce rate is high because of women, actually. Women initiate divorce at a very high rate statistically. I read your response to my husband. He said wow…that’s a woman to avoid, talk about a red flag for a man. Not trying to offend, just maybe as women we should think about the male perspective if we want to have a future with a good one.
Wow, the betrayal of yourself and needing validation from this kind of situation/person, really hit home. This video spoke to me today, like ultimate truth, thank you, Matthew.
Thank you so much for making it clear! I went through marriage with someone like that. Something told me there was a problem there from the beginning, but people close to me, especially my family, reacted as if I was crazy, ungrateful, and made me believe I was a horrible person. I wanted true connection, not grandiose gestures.
As someone who has never been in a relationship but did try to connect with a guy recently, I realized I also did this same thing. Part of the thing for me is that I feel like I best connect with people through experiences and then that will form a connection that organically leads into me being able to talk to them more and get more emotionally intimate over text and such. That’s because that’s how I’ve always best formed friendships. But I am seeing now how this can look from the other side so I needed this callout. Thank you for this.
Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without her. Despite attempts to purge her from my mind, I remain haunted by his absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.
Its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 5 years ended, but i couldn't just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back.
Try not looking to the outer world for your answers. Instead look within. What is it triggering when they are no longer with you. Looking at yourself with love and acceptance is one of the most challenging things that most are missing. Only then can we truly see clearly. And will be fully ready to have another share our life.
You're the first one I've watched a dating advice for that actually makes sense and respects people's differences. Not like the other "gurus" who build their branding on misogyny, patriarchal ideals, and shaming. The advice works for anyone too, not just women.
I love that you made it a point not to demonise the guy for wanting what he wanted because his wants of fun and adventure are just as valid as the woman wanting an actual relationship. Neither of them is right or wrong, they're just different and incompatible.
This is by far the best video I've seen of your advice. Things can seem very alluring, and exciting but they are detrimental to your end goal. You have to choose to spend your time solely on your goal, anything else is getting off track. So on point about self-worth decreasing when engaging in these behaviors. This happens without us realizing it.
I had my moment of realization and saw the red flags even before we were able to have a romantic relationship. We shared so much time together that it became an addiction, as you say, and the fun that came with being around him and feeling a certain way. But in the end, I knew my north star and saw he couldn't (because of his own issues) fill it even if he wanted to. Now I'm stuck with these feelings that I have been trying to crawl out of...I guess that's the hardest part.
This reminds me of a non-romantic interaction between myself and an old employer which I believe still had a strong aspect of what you’ve discussed here. He wanted me to spend more time on the road (contrary to what I was hired to do). I explained that I disliked driving because it was stressful, my vehicle needed 600 dollars worth of repairs, and I wasn’t hired to do so much driving in the first place. I asked him for a couple weeks to save some cash, get the repairs done, and consider if I wanted to stay onboard by accepting the change in my work duties. He immediately arranged and paid for my car to be repaired. At face value, he was nipping one of my major concerns in the bud as well as being financially generous. But I ultimately left that job because what he was actually doing was being dismissive. He was throwing me a sop. The message his actions conveyed was not, “I’m here to help.” It was, “There. That oughtta shut you up for a while. Now, back to MY needs..”
From a business perspective, sounds like he was just trying to solve the problem with your car so you would do more driving. I guess that also translates into him not caring about your stress over driving
Well you offered him that option by giving him a list of reasons why you didn't want to be on the road. So he made your vehicle secure, being male he "solved" the issue in his mind that made you stressed on the road. So like in relationships if you list fringe things you'd like changed, vs the core issue, it confuses the communication. Boss I don't like driving for work. Home...I don't like how you swear at me....vs I don't like how you talk and I wish you'd put your dishes in the dishwasher. You get the dishwasher behaviour changed but he still calls you swear words cause he didn't hear the issue.
Bingo. That's exactly why I walked away from someone yesterday. Thank you for this confirmation and affirmation for my recent action. Have a good day/night.
My exhusband was like this when we were dating. When i expressed doubts about the relationship, his answer was big, grande jestures (showing up at my house at 2am and crying until i said i wouldn't break it off, screaming that he loved me at the top of his lungs, running 3 miles to bring me a cookie and later when we were married, hauling the giant kitchen table out into the woods and dressing up in a suit and cooking for me- which i had to clean up the mess). Turns out he's a sadistic sociopath and thought everything was a game and manipulating my emotions made him feel like he "won". I'm married to my soul mate now and let me tell you, I'll take love, friendship and acceptance over fireworks ANY DAY.
I recently met a nice man while shopping. We talked a bit, exchanged phone numbers. Later that night we talked on the phone. He started telling me how to respond to him. Telling me what to say and how to say it. Red flags waving there. I quickly hung up and blocked his number. Wow !
Damn you Matthew Hussey for being so right! 😅 This is so on point. I've wasted so much time and energy on men who did not meet my North Star because I was chasing feelings. And you can tell the difference between the ones who check in with every few days to see how you are and what's new and the ones who just want that "fun" weekend away etc.
@@EMichaelBall Maybe y'all need to define your North Star, too, lol. Fat chance. Maybe if men and women all treated each other the way they'd like to be treated, be honest, and have some simple courtesy, things would look up out there!
You are a legend. This talk came to me on the perfect time. I have been ignoring my North Star in for a while thinking if I get along with what he wants than eventually we will get closer but the truth is all I feel is self betrayel.
Ignoring or dismissing red flags WILL cost you later
Amen
Yeap and it'll be 10x's worse!
Literally and figuratively.
Agreed 😢
@@Mako-L82 well done you ❣️🤗
My biggest red flag that happened recently was I was the only one asking questions. If someone doesn’t want to get to know you on a deeper level…know they aren’t serious.
@@susanwilliams4953if you had not had sex with him you wouldn’t have wasted 6 months.
This is SUCH a problem nowadays! I’m always the only one inquiring about others. Both male and female. No one ever asks me questions about me! It’s impossible for me to connect with someone like that because I’m so genuinely curious about others. Is it something about me, or just something about society?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
@@RikaMakaraSociety. I'm like you. I love to learn about people and cultures. It's hard out there.
@@oceanbluewaves4918 Same here! Nice to “meet” you! So what’s your story? Haha! Just kidding!
Nice to meet you too! I'm older and a extrovert. But that doesn't mean I have lost my curiosity, lol. It's definitely a red flag to me if there is no general interest. Seems many people are so self centered and set on just getting by with minimal effort. Jmo
RECIPROCATION. "Don't invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest in them based on how much they invest in you." -Matthew Hussey.
Careful though many men invest alot only in the honeymoon phase.
If both people follow this rule, then no one invests, right? Of course, you shouldn't keep investing if you're not getting anything back, but someone has to make the move; although, admittedly, at the start of a relationship, this seems to be the man's job (approaching, arranging a first date)
Yeessss
@@jeroenverschaeve3090 My personal opinion is, approach any new relationship with the level of attention that you hope to receive in return.
It's not just men, women do it too. The funny thing about this channel is, it's targeted to women, but 90% of the principles are applicable to men too. The laws of attraction and dating are fundamentally universal.
Always pay attention to your gut feeling if something feels off it is! I learned that the hard way
❤
As I a man. I'd agree. I'd tell other men to simply engage in broad conversations. Then do three things.
Insult their current/ex boyfriend/husband in a joking manner.
Find out how many single "friends" they have.
Do some acts of kindness.
If they don't defend their husband or if they trash their ex. Red flag. Lack of respect and maturity.
If they have a ton of single friends, she's self centered. She's looking for validation and invests very little in her relationships.
If she doesn't return acts of kindness, she won't reciprocate anything else.
This is the basic man's shit test.
Preach 🙌🏻
Nah, that's just being judgemental. How about actually getting to know someone instead of using your gut feeling, which is often wrong?
@@pikachuchujelly7628 that’s something a predator says…
It’s the difference between a person wanting to do something really cool with SOMEONE vs that person wanting to do a lot more ordinary things with YOU SPECIFICALLY.
Using ppl
U defined it
Also, the difference between doing something with you and doing something 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 you
love the summary! ty!
@Nancy Van Der Meer Sounds like he needs to hear this. Don't ghost ppl cause your afraid of conflict. Tell him, even if he gets upset, you've helped.
Today we met total strangers
I recently met a man who told me about his ex who "was the love of his life". I was proud of myself to see immediately that he was telling me he would never love me - and I ran for my life. In the past I have been hooked into accepting 2nd best place. Lol - growth is good!
But at least he was honest. My story: taken out to dinner by man......found out he was married......he wanted to have affair.....he said he didn't want to leave his wife....apparently the last person to have this spiel DID have an affair with him for 4 years. Poor woman! These people who want everything to compliment their "almost perfect" lives.
Me ex told me he went to see a therapist after he found out his ex wife (of 25+ years but already divorced for 2 years) had started dating someone and even introduced their 2 daughters to her new man. This happened a few months before we started dating. He even told me he had asked his ex wife if she truly loved this new guy. Talk about red flags! In hindsight, he was blatantly telling me he wasn’t over his ex wife and I was there to fill that void and sooth his bruised ego.
Good for you Trudi! We get what we tolerate - always.
As a widow, my new hubby had to tolerate me calling him by my deceased hubby’s name on occasion, without me even knowing it! I asked him to start calling me out on it, and that helped. Love is a very complicated thing, that we can’t turn off and on like a light. I’ve been very lucky to have two “loves of my life”. While they were, and are, their own person, they are so much alike, even my step children have commented on it. When I first met my husband, I asked him what he was doing for Thanksgiving. He said “taking my mum, who’s visiting, to dinner at my former wife’s house”. Right there, I knew this was a man of substance, whom I wanted in my life. When we got married, his former wife and husband, came by our house (where we were married), to see the family she had been part of for 20 odd years, and to toast us. I actually love his former wife, and the four “parents” together support the kids of their relationship, which to me is the most important thing. Good luck, you’re in shark infested waters looking for a great mate. It’s not easy.
Does make somebody a priority when you to them are just an option.
this totally makes sense. This explains why generations ago, a father would say," what are your intentions?' He wasn't asking for a proposal, he was saying, My daughter isn't a toy for an experience. How committed are you to having a relationship where communication and responsible behaviors are in place. Proper boundaries are necessary for trust to develop
Best comment ever.
So true!!!!! As I have become an older adult and gained more wisdom after being in a domestic violent marriage then later on finding real, honest, true love, I now understand why my Daddy never liked any of the guys that I dated until my husband I am with now. I finally have the one who wants to experience all of life with me and loves just being with me no matter what we do, whether it be snuggling on the couch watching movies or going out on vacations with our best friends. We communicate beautifully and we love to listen to each other and he cares.
@@ninelives1979 You are so lucky to have found the right person, after all you've been through. I come from a similar experience-- 36 years m. , self centered, unhealed, emotionally and mentally abusive man, but also in my case, added baggage from my family of origin that I didn't even know needed healing til halfway into my marriage w/ him.
He had loads of unhealed baggage himself.
And he saw no need to work on his own trauma. In fact, he saw nothing wrong with himself whatsoever, and anything wrong w/ our marriage was all my fault.
I chose to work on my own trauma, initially hoping it would fix our marriage, but it didn't. It placed me miles ahead of him into my own healing and growth journey, which eventually led me to divorce him.
I'm much happier now, even though starting over has been hard.
However I still have some healing to do, apparently, because for the first time I am dating a guy, and while I fee im in love with him, I still don't trust men, I don't trust my own intuition sometimes, and I question everything this guy has done for me the last five months we've dated.
I feel like everything is a red flag, I have no idea how to tell the real and genuine from the fake and manipulative.
I'm not rushing into anything, and he too (twice divorced) said he wants to go slow.
And then, out of the blue, he asked me to move in with him. 😳
Of course, I declined, and told him I want to talk about that later (we were at work at the time. )
We still haven't discussed it yet. He never wants to have conversations outside of work or a date.
That felt like a huge red flag to me. Known him two years, dating five months....we don't know each other well enough for that!
I made a list of 15 reasons NOT to move in with him. All very valid, all catering to ME and what I want in my life right now, and many tied to my adult kids and grandkids.
I am nowhere near ready for that. Plus, after literally half of my life married to a man who managed to gradually change me, ran off friends I'd known long before my ex was in my life, and basically turned me into someone I'm not. Granted, I allowed this to happen. But I didn't know at the time what I was doing.
I will never do that again. I will remain true to ME.
So now, here's the new guy.
And I just don't know what to think.
I will always be content to be alone, I LIKE me. I love me. But I'd like to find a true love, just once before I die, so I can see what real, healthy, calm, honest love looks like.
Because I really don't know.
Love that question your father would ask. Straight to the point question, no BS'ing around.
perfect video.... living through it right now.... ok.... next!!!🤦🏽♀️
I, as a guy, have made these types of mistakes many times. Nobody (and I mean NOBODY) has ever told me in my entire life that what I was doing was wrong and why it was wrong. These videos are so incredibly helpful.
Because it isn’t wrong.
@@CristyB66Exactly, except if one person wants something else and you are stringing them along for a travel or experiences buddy.
Yeah and you didn't even mean to you just didn't know.
Chasing peaks at the cost of sincere connection is hunting behavior addicts are painfully aware of. You mean well, heck, you reflect critically, which will serve you and your future partner well.
Consider bonding experiences the bare bones you seek to flesh out with common goals. If her happiness makes you happy and your happiness makes her happy, i feel good about my envy.
she wants more, he doesn’t.
What’s wrong with it? He does say no.
Communication is key. That’s all.
This can also apply to friendships, some people do not value YOU They just need ANYONE there. Settling is truly a big time wasting mistake.
Oh yes! This is absolutely true and I really struggle with this issue these times. It hurts me to experience again and again that certain people who are viewed as ‚friends‘ (they won’t be mich longer, I’m working on that) don‘t show an honest interest in how I am doing. They just need someone to listen and it Takes away my Energy...
Anyway, have a great day!❤️
I am the person, my "friends" come to when they have a problem or need something.. It's never just to share their joys or good moments. I've recently cut a few of the more toxic ones out of my life.. including my mom.
@Don K *sigh* I wish for both of us (and everyone else too) to heal and be able to have real friendships
They are narcissistics
Oh my gosh, for sure!!
If you are always calling them and going over to them. And they only respond and enjoy your company, but put in minimal effort. Just go. You will exhaust yourself. Like the paddling duck scenario.
When he started talking about little betrayals to yourself, I almost started crying. So often I think as women we settle for something that falls short and try to accommodate ourselves and make that thing work. Instead of standing strong and not settling, pursuing something that is worth holding out for.
This is so true! In my last relationship, I kept justifying it to myself and making excuses in my mind like - well I can “put up with” this if xyz is still good. But day by day, parts of me were chipping away. It was like I had to fit into this container for HIS expectations, when I’ve heard it should be the other way around with masculine and feminine energy. The masculine energy should hold space for a feminine energy to be free flowing and loving. That’s our natural state.
We're all healing. I pray we find the herbs or therapies to help us heal and ignite the Divine feminine energy within us. 😘🌹🙏🏾
Some of us men also experience this. There were so many points in my last relationship with my now ex fiancé, that I thought if I put up with something or forgave her for something things would get better. Only for her to end up dumping me after 5.5 years.
I’m now looking back at it wondering why I thought things would get better when nothing was actually changing. She would frequently gaslight me and even convinced me at one point that I had to do more and that I wasn’t good enough for her.
@@bobaygaming1978 very true. Thank you for sharing!
Spot on!
It takes practice and patience to recognize when a relationship is built on escapism. I see this a lot especially in online dating, people looking to escape their boredom with dates but not actually looking for authentic, long-lasting connections even though they might say that's what they're looking for. I think a lot of humans don't even know what escapism is in themselves or in other people.
I would also call it "distraction"
Very introspective 🤓
Very introspective 🤓
This is on 🎯🎯🎯 and frustrating when you’re the person who really wants more with that person. If I don’t feel we’re vibing I just take it as a lesson.
Why are y'all still online dating? It seems buy now everyone would know what a cesspool it is yet they're still doing it. Just curious.
Wow! I’m 72, and watching these MH videos really makes me wish I could have had this advice when I was younger!!
Christine. You must be young at heart if your watching this video. There is still time😊
Christine. You must be young at heart if your watching this video. There is still time😊
That and FleshLights would have saved many guys from making life long mistakes.🤔🙄🤣
Same here,!
@@jayitsme5306 I think as long as we’re alive there’s time for learning, growing, and loving. I always want to be reaching for improvement.
When my partner and I were initially long distance, I let him reach out to me and initiate visits more than I did to get a sense of where he was really at and what he was desiring. He called me. He suggested him coming to visit and then he did. He started doing that every other weekend. When we talked, our phone conversations would often last hours and we talked about everything, including our everyday lives. After seeing that, I called him more and visited him during my school breaks. It was so clear from the beginning that he wanted a genuine connection and a real, committed relationship!
So you manipulated him?
@@slardebard No, she gave him the room in the beginning to make up his own mind and time to make up hers. So she gave him the lead in the beginning, learned more about him in the process, and reciprocated that all along the way. If it worked well for both of them, I can find nothing to criticize there. Seems pretty organic and wise to me.
@@slardebard Where do you see manipulation here?
My husband Tolley and I started that way. Lovely💞
Im having the same with a man now. Yes the connection cannot be faked. 🙃
great advice. reminds me of a saying / "don't make anyone a priority who considers you an option."
Imagine being married to someone like this. The relationship never goes deep. Stays completely superficial. I literally thought I was losing my mind. Then came divorce( my idea) and the awakening. Thank goodness I have been out for years now. With my eyes wide open.
Well done you for getting out. I am in a relationship for 3 years that is still superficial with no emotional intimacy and sometimes he can’t be bothered to talk to me. It’s draining.
@@EMichaelBall Oh, that's right, you're an armchair authority, right? LOL Women, just like men, wants someone compatible who actually cares about them.
@Helen Taylor Trouble is, most women can’t tell the difference in real time (read: before it’s too late and the man she had won’t take her back) between superficial charm and someone who actually cares about them.
I prefer to learn from others than my own hard knocks.
(Original reply removed because I can’t modify posts on mobile)
@@EMichaelBall All I know is I’m female and he was the narcissist. Learned a lot and won’t be making that mistake again. 🍀
@@thenutrientwhisperer3700 Do you think he says the same of you?
What I love about my husband as he has never asked my messy ADHD self to change for him, and I haven't asked his Autistic anti social self to change. But its easy to sort of mesh together. We understand each other. We both can feel close, sitting saying nothing to each other.
Yes we do special things together, but just being together feels right.
We trust each other
That's my husband and me to the T!! Including the ADHD and Autism!! 😃
This is the wholesome goal that I've always wanted but worried my ADHD and or autism would sully it somehow since people have a hard time understanding me
But you gave me hope 🫂
Please avoid using the term antisocial as it has the extremely negative connotations of the antisocial personality disorder.
Use the terms unsociable, reserved or reclusive instead.
That is beautiful and you guys are very lucky to have found such a love.💜
@@rafezetter8003I agree that we should never change another person. However if they are being abusive or disrespectful then it's okay to ask them to change their behavior. I just got out of a very abusive relationship where the guy tried to excuse very violent behavior by saying that me asking him to change his behavior was no different than asking him to change who he is. Dating coaches need to do more to teach us the difference between asking for a person to change their personality versus their behavior.
I appreciate you not shaming people who are just out there looking for experiences. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you are communicative as to what you are offering.
Exactly. TBH though I feel like the experience aspect was pretty obvious in this scenario. Otherwise what was the end game really?
Zero females are going to be good with that set up! Just pick a male friend to go get experience with.
@@Paarthurnaxdova this is my transparent approach and I've had a wonderful time with some lovely women. Sure some decline but some have interest in the same thing. So while that not be what you're looking for and that's great you know yourself, not everyone is you. To each their own.
Agreed.
Yes
Wow I’m immediately a fan. This guy really has emotional intelligence. He’s not teaching men to be the way “men think women like” but actually the way women like. He’s teaching women to understand men too. He’s teaching people about people. About themselves. It’s incredible. The perceptiveness of this guy
"Emotional intelligence" shouldn't trump rationality or perspective.
The men that his female clients actually want aren't watching his videos because they don't need to in order to get what they want.
The men that are watching his videos and doing what he recommends won't become more attractive to the women they want as a result.
That's the brutal reality of it all. You can't negotiate your way to genuine attraction.
I’m the way I like because I’m emotionally intelligent enough to not allow a TH-camr to craft a personality for me to find hollow romance.
@@maloxi1472 - Emotional Intelligence has rationality and perspective at it's core.
I think you've missed the real point - your opinions say an awful lot about your attitudes towards women and men.
@@maloxi1472 The target audience of his videos and his work has always been women, not men. That's why he focuses on telling women what to look for in a guy and what to be themselves. He's not trying to change men, he's telling us how to find and attract the ones already worth being with.
Every problem cannot be solved with a "grand gesture." It takes more than trips/vacations or exciting experiences to make a relationship work.
Exactly... Beware of those who want to fix everything with gifts or promises.
It takes the right two people getting together. People that are compatible and are realistic.
@@MrR40388 I absolutely agree.
The two people who Matthew describe sound like good people who like each other who are naively trying to be compatible, however simply don't have compatible seduction styles. Like chalk and cheese.
Exactly. How you treat someone is more important than any gift money could ever buy.
It sounds like this guy isn't even interested in a relationship though, he just wants to go do fun things. And it's quite likely she's not the only woman he's doing them with.
Grand gestures are often a way to hide emotional unavailability. Definitely been there.
It often presents itself as 'love bombing' (sending gifts and becoming overly committed "you're the love of my life" after 1 week / way too early).
Will add that some people aren't as good digital communicators and that needs to be taken into account. In this particular case (across the pond relationship) you'd almost need both parties to be "good" for this to work. But I've dated people who had piss poor text/email/app whatever habits but were lovely people IRL.
@@dante6985 I'm pretty bad at texting and I realize that long distance is not a thing I could deal with. In relationships I still see that I put in time for at least an exchange of messages at the end of the day. Using the L word way too early is also a pretty big red flag.
@@dante6985 Totally! This happened to me. What saved me was pacing things slowly. I only saw him 1x a week for the first month.. Narcissists don't like boundaries! Could take a while even doing that because it's a challenge for them at first, but it will eventually not be enough supply for them so they'll discard (ask me how I know). You also have to be mostly healed...for example a codependent will stick to a narcissist like glue no matter how much they hurt you...the trauma bond is real...if we're not mostly healed.
@@dante6985I am guilty of love bombing my now ex-husband but we were married for 20 years and had 3 daughters together. In saying that I do the same thing with our daughters, I am trying to be more self aware and pull myself up.
A man to avoid is a man that suffer of apathy:
indifference
and emotional detachment!!!!
A woman to avoid is a woman that suffer of apathy: indifference and emotional detachment!!!!
A dog to avoid is a dog that suffer of apathy:
indifference
and emotional detachment!!!!
@@normanclatcher i dunno, thats MY kind of dog…
Narcissists can definitely feign deep emotion and “feelings”
So whose really out there when everyone seems fucked up?!
Surely getting it wrong is going to be normal too
I wish I had seen this prior to my last relationship. I laughed when you said waste a year because I wasted FIVE years on someone who did this. I got strung along for a big fat nothing in the end. I hope people take this seriously because it’s no joke. You can lose the best years of your life with these fools before you even realize it.
Hope you're doing well during the process of healing from this 🌹🙏🏾💓✨
NINE years for me 😆 😭
😔
At least you didn't waste 12 years hoping more would come out of it!!!!
9 years for me
Betraying ourselves in order to seek their validation. So powerful. Thank you!
Ding 🛎 ding 🛎 ding 🛎
Thank you 🕊❤️
Wow. Betraying ourselves. Yikes the ultimate worst thing.
I've been here before. My ex had no real interest in me, but I provided a fun time and experience due to being highly agreeable and open to experience. It's not a fun place to be really into someone who is merely using you. So glad those days are behind me.
Agree, I’ve been there.
Wow, ‘experiences vs connection’ - communication is everything!
This video is amazing! I understood the escence of what was wrong in my 6 years relationship.I will be always grateful to you for it!!!!!❤
Oh dang...this video makes me realize I'm looking to have experiences, but not intimate relationships. I just want a companion to do stuff with. 😕 I guess I need to very open and honest right up front. Thank you for this video.
Even better that you realise this already!
Same.
Really great to communicate cause that allows you to find people aligned with you
That's very brave of you to open up and be honest about your feelings.
Haha
Be with me in my everyday chores and struggles, don't come to me just to enjoy some big moments.
👍
All this is simple.
"When they show you who they are the first time, believe them." Maya Angelou
#louderforthepeopleintheback 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
😁
Yea, but let's add-NOT who they are in the beginning!!!!!!!!!!!! It could be a MASK on...😉If YOU'RE READING this message YOU'VE BEEN WARNED😁
@@ONLYmindYourBusiness it's always one. By showing you who they are, mask on or off, you'll know if you know.
Yup which is why I'm in the mess I'm in today.
This is SUCH a brilliant explanation of having (fun) experiences vs taking clear steps towards building and maintaining (closer) intimacy. I heard recently "'Maybe he doesn't love you, but he enjoys you."
I learned that a partner is right for you when you can be yourself and be creative. When one is in a toxic relationship there is no personal growth. In my last marriage I was isolated and kept my head down and was so depressed. I never had a happy thought so how could I see myself painting or singing or laughing at anything?
You right, is not easy be yourself when we live in a society thst constantly judge you. Not wearing a mask with someone in your life and be truthfull and you true self is one of the major goal in a relation ship. Also being supportive, but being ourself (not in a toxic way) is a really wonderfull thing that many underrated
Also in toxic relationships you have to repeatedly teach common sense to grown ass adults.
@@frankharris3380 And it never sticks.
Indeed!
But there needs to be a bit more, like in this situation of the London trip. There has to be an actual interest in the person and a true commitment to making the relationship grow and improve.
I’ve never been able to understand what was going on, until now. Seeking the validation of someone who was incapable of anything but using me as a tool is… Eye opening. Thank you! 🙏
Me too, you're not alone in that.
Me too, he used me 4 years
Stay strong and love yourself first, cause you can't give to others what you do not have yourself!
It's a waste of time.
So much truth
YOU ARE BRILLIANT.
As simple as that:
'Energy flows where attention goes.'
I just went through this. He didn’t see me as a person, only someone to fulfill his needs. We were long distance, but when we would spend time together (sometimes weeks) I was always “taking care of him”, and he was all with the grand gestures and love bombing, so I at first thought it was an equal give and take. When we would be apart, all he started to want to talk about were sexual things after a while. When I confronted him about our lack of communication about our regular lives, he would ignore me completely. I started realizing he was a narcissist, and the cycle of grand gestures and going cold is just part of how they operate. Once they get what they need, they don’t consider the other person at all. It’s still hard to look at those romantic times with the knowing that it was all a facade to get what he wanted from me, but I’m glad I realized my needs weren’t getting met at all.
Such a similar story to mine...
Sad!
Yep. Been there. 😣
You’re not the only one, been there too.
Stay strong!!!
Thank you for sharing your story 🙏
It was awesome that you realised this soon!
Stay strong 🙏
Greetings from South Africa 💌
This rings true for me. Last guy I dated basically wanted to slot me into the role his ex played, doing the things they liked doing together, but which weren’t what I enjoyed. He didn’t want to learn about me, just have me pop into the space left by her, including assuming I was on board rather than asking. It was actually a little creepy. I’m glad I twigged quickly and said adios.
My ex. Survived.
Yes I've experienced that, too. Then he started getting a bit irritated when I wouldn't dress or act the way his ex would have. I never met his ex!
Oh, no. Adios!
I experienced the same with my last ex. Basically he was grooming me to turn into his deceased wife, to do the things she did, act like she did, even look like she did. I caught on and left him
@@Kat-tr2ig glad you made it out! Scary how psycho some people are huh
@@whereisyourhumanity7557 Reminds me of Scottie in Hitchcock’s Vertigo-insisting that Judy wear the same clothes and hair as Madeleine. Creepy.
I feel like this particular red flag is the most dangerous (and harmful) to those of us whose primary love language is quality time. 😔
True
@@dawazagaming Where did you hear him say they had sex?
If they had sex after finally meeting once the pandemic eased up, thats at least a year of time. Is a year not long enough for an adult woman trust the man she's been getting to know?
Why is it seen as stupid for her and not for him even though he is the one exhibiting bad behavior?
I hope that you dont misunderstand me and think that I am asking these questions to pick a fight because I will not be responding after this. These questions are purely rhetorical to make you think, because clearly you did not think that comment all the way through before posting it. 😊
@@lynnthomas9452 No. The other person's comment was just very abusive and probably got deleted, so now mine looks kinda weird there by itself. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I'm not sure what you mean by this. Can you please explain some more? Is it about valuing quality time over day to day interaction?
Being a quality time person is a fate worse than herpes. You poor guy.
I’m 73…having had 4 older brothers, 2 sons, grandson, 17 male cousins and knowing countless men in business and personal life, you are so right. Men want the pleasure or your body not you heart or mind in general. Eventually they will choose to get serious, until then it’s all about pleasure for themselves and how to get it.
You really believe this only applies to men? 😮
@@yellard6785it’s too much of a risk for women in general.
@@redvelvetshoes In regards to physical abuse, yes.. But watch out for poisoners, higher of assassins and thug associates/new bfs. In regard to emotional and financial abuse, I don't think there is any gender difference.
@@yellard6785what does any of that have to do with men using a woman's body like a toy?
1. Can he tolerate your "no" (and then observe him how he behaves)
2. He and you have an opposite opinion about something and you both can negotiate a solution? (observe him how he's negotiating).
3. Can a guy wait? (observe him what a guy does when you don't rush things).
4. Can a guy listen to what you are saying and respond to it? (and then observe his behavior).
And now new number 5. "Looking for experiences" , yes, those guys do exist. They want to make exciting memories but not necessarily a relationship. Very true. They are looking for "peak experiences". And then they disappear after that peak experience and you are like "what?".
(.. for males checking out females change he to she)
Agreed. It’s VERY important to see how. Man handles being told “no” and other forms of conflict in a relationship.
Underrated comment 🙌
That's an A.C.T.O.R.
AVAILABILITY
CONQUEST
TOUR
OVER...
R U N
@@kimgordon3695 nice, never read it before 😎
Its funny to read women given women coaching how to behave with dating men. I will only give 1 coaching tip to any man. Women make rules for beta but break rules for alpha. Men lead, women follow. If a women is behaving like this she is not feminine and you should all just leave her with her cats and dogs.
Learned the hardway that folks who come on with superstrong gifts & gestures tend to be after an object that looks perfect to them.
You nailed it! Some are incapable of intimacy but need experiences with others and/or need others to care for without the need/desire for knowing and being known. Super red flag: when they never ask sincerely how you are or how your life is going.
My biggest RED FLAG, is when someone is happy to talk about themselves and be listened to, but when you want to talk they interrupt you with what they were thinking about while you were talking.
Sometimes you only get to say one word and they start talking again, even if they just asked how are you, lol 😂
I feel as though I do this and I try very hard to be aware and stop myself. I've been isolated in a 6 year relationship where I pretty much had to lose all of my friends to keep my ex. Now, I have such anxiety socially but also this feeling of freedom that when I do see friends I conoletely bulldoze the conversation and when it's time to go separate ways, I immediately think "FUCK I DID IT AGAIN HOW DID I NOT EVEN ASK ABOUT THEM". I usually send a text apologizing and explaining that. But it also worries me, do I really care about others or just myself, and how do I change? Not a direct question to you OP, but anyone who hopefully comes across this comment as well. Sigh. I know I do care. I'm just lost. 😮
I also have ADHD 🤦🏼♀️ (doctor diagnosed since 8 years old, so im not a pandemic person just saying I do lol). I've actually done this most of my life anyways. Just much worse now.
Sorry to hear of your plights, it can’t be easy for either of you, when chatting to others all I can suggest is imagine it’s a phone call, it needs balance between listening and talking, it’s how you get to know people, a bit like a first date, where you’re inquisitive but mindful of the other person needing time to get to know you. I know it’s very easy to dominate a conversation when you’ve recently done something exciting, and that’s why you meet friends to share and update them….but stop, breathe and listen to their life’s journey too.
I’m fortunate that in life I’ve had many varied jobs, hobbies, and interests, and being a good listener and learner, it meant when working with the homeless, I could easily relate to them and be empathetic.
Genuinely listening and talking so others feel comfortable is natural to me, but you can learn to do it, and it’s amazingly rewarding.
I love sharing the fun stuff I do with various groups of friends, but hearing their experiences enhances and inspires me too, to do more, and be a better friend, most importantly are they ok, do they need a hug, help or both.
JPS. Anyone who recognises and apologises for their mistakes is a ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ friend to me.
Or honestly someone who only listens and has nothing to say. They just sit there and look at you all starry eyed. Very boring.
Yup! This guy a dated every time we got on the phone he could not stop talking about himself and what he had going on… I sometimes would mute him! lol and he would even talk about other peoples lives and what not, like are you kidding me? It’s not bad enough you talk for an hour straight about yourself now your talking about people you know and what they do?! Ugh when he would ask about me or I would jump in once he took a breathier to have conversation with what he was saying he would cut me off. When together he would talk about celebrities! He once asked me why I don’t open up to him ummm 🤔. Stupid guy
I have found true unconditional love in my my 2 little rescued kittens who have grown into 2 beautiful Cats.. I love them with all my heart and they love me back.. the best part is ..this love will never become less or get lost in time.. i feel i dont need the love of a human anymore.
That's very sad. Cats are unable to fulfill a human's need for HUMAN contact. Nothing against cats. Or digs. Or parakeets. Or any being that is not a HUMAN being.
You might want to seek therapy, to find you are worth more than an animal companion.
Good luck.
well, yes it will. They'll die before you, or you'll die before them. It'll likely bother you more than it will them.
Well done. 👏👏👏🍀🍀🍀
@@ElizabethBrewster-cw4mx not necessarily. Humans can just plain suck. It's actually rather common for animal lovers to prefer their pets over humans because their experience with humans has been a huge disappointment. Not always a need for therapy. More just a need for a human interaction that restores the person's faith in humanity.
when I met my boyfriend, two days after we met on a night out he asked me if he could 'use my washing machine' because his had supposedly broken. I said yes and he showed up in the morning with a bag of fresh coffee - he had washed his clothes by hand the night before and said he really just wanted to see me and go on a picnic 😄 It was a major green flag and we've been together ever since
Aww❤so sweet
Aw! So lovely 😊
I am my own North star ⭐. I divorced him 11 years ago and have become the person I was meant to be, not the target of his tantrums..
The greatest love is the one you have for yourself 💓
Amen!!!❤😂🙏🥂. And it’s fine the date people but women please quit sleeping with him. You’re making it too easy had these guys are married is screwing on their wives.
You're the only person you have to spend 24/7 with, so make sure you take care of you.
Great job moving away from that!!! The tantrums are the worst and I do NOT miss them!! His own dog would hide in the corner and I’d point that out to him and he chose not to improve that. He was also only available to do something HE wanted to do. I’m glad I left that behind. I’ve betrayed myself before not realizing I want a real partner and not someone who only wants the infatuation. Now there is NO SURRENDER of who I am, my value, and waiting for the person I want and a real partner! 😁
Never go to the middle of nowhere with someone you don't know
Best advice here!
Met woman on a flight not long ago. We spent a weekend together, on the second day we went about 160 k into the wilderness.
No worries about that...? @@fantabuloussnuffaluffagus
@@fantabuloussnuffaluffagushow was that?
@@zaheenwahid6904 ? Fine.
This isn't exactly a match for "Love bombing" but I think it's close enough to be equally a red flag. A lover bomber is someone who invests big into you, and then pulls away after a couple weeks to get you to do all the giving in the relationship for the rest of your life (or usefulness to the other person) And if you don't keep it up, they leave you for someone else.
Best description of love bombing.
there's actually a word for this;
narcissist
these type of people will love bomb, get you to open up then after all the lust has worn off, they will pull away emotionally and regrettably, start using your honesty and empathy against you.
@@Gesteppie yes, narcissists always love bomb
Yeah, this is like, love grenade 😅
I wondered what lovebombing meant
Thanks so much
I had a similar situation with a man I was speaking to long distance. He would get on the phone with me and then within 10-15 minutes he would make some excuse to get off the phone. So I asked him why he wasn’t trying to communicate with me and if I made him feel bored. He said that wasn’t it at all.
I told him I’d prefer to have longer, high quality conversations so we can know each other. He listened to me and our relationship developed quickly. Now we’re married and I moved to his country and I’m watching him cook me dinner while I’m making this comment. 😂
Things can really rebound if you address the issue AND THEY LISTEN and your intentions are aligned.
❤
I spent 17 years with someone, betraying my North Star.
I grew up with surprisingly strong self-esteem despite emotional neglect from my parents, and I never put it together that I really started hating myself when I started chasing validation from people who didn't value me...you've given me something to think about...
Bang on the nail
First off, never sleep with anyone until you have a commitment. Sex will override getting to actually know a person. No sex, no remorse if it doesn’t work out. Life isn’t all about feelings. Learn that and you will follow your truth.
Too true. Women also need to understand that her brain on birth control hormones is attracted to men that her "regular" brain wouldn't be attracted to.
Sounds like you are shaming people who only want casual sex. Nothing wrong with it as long as you're honest with yourself and others.
@@godsire6217 yes, because factually ...there's no such thing. There are people using other people, but that's words used to clean up the reality
. Casual Sex just means the man doesn't want any responsibility for what might happen. And a woman is desperately seeking affirmation and a few brief moments of being wanted. It's ugly. It's degrading. It's horribly sad.
Is That your advice?
It's farcical.
Never sleep with anyone unless you're married to them and open to children.
@kitiwake, that ist not what's said. A commitement has not always to be a marriage and children.
But I wanted to say the same. as terrifiorelli9819.
Especially as a woman you should think about getting physical. Often men do not see any neccessarity of investing more in the relationship if they already get what they want. (It can of course also be women behaving this way but we all know how it works usually.😉)
There is no shame if both wants to get physical just to be physical, but women often believe the man will start to love them if they do and that is just a big mistake.
I do not want to blame anybody because of wanting sex or not wanting any more, but as one is only wanting that and the other one believes is a step to something more at least the second one will be disappointed.
So just make sure you both want the same grade of intimacy and relationship BEFORE you give more you would like to give at your lowest common denominator.
What this means in my book is he's a love addict. He loves the feeling of being in love and excitement - but doesn't want real love. Love can be boring but it's rewarding that these people won't ever understand. Him getting on a plane is exciting for him because he's getting a dopamine high but he isn't looking for closeness.
Matthew I love your wisdom!! ❣️
Sounds like my ex-husband and they become man whores
This is a very very interesting aspect. This kind of getting excited, the whooosh of dopamin but not the real deep intimacy. Well I confess that it must happen to everybody to like this excitement but I think if one feel that this is all or asymetric this is the end of the ‚ relationship‘
Except this is not love, but mere Limerence (ie toxic attachment)
The big experience thing is derived from movies he's seen - life feeding on art.
You have no idea how grateful I am about your message…this is a confirmation that I did the right thing letting go someone who was not for me! ❤️
Me too 🌸❤️
Same. Mine was all about the fun times, taking me out for dinner, away on trips, but it felt hollow, shallow, and meh in the time in between. Dreadful communicator when we weren't apart, it was the boring texts and 3 minute chats about nothing, never going deeper, that got me in the end and I finished it. It's lovely being treated and taken out when you've barely had that in your life, but if that's all there is, it's boring after a while.
OMG same
Matthew, I have watched many many videos of yours, but, in my humble opinion, this was the best one.
The message of finding ones North Star and, as a result of it, gaining self respect and therefore being able to say no to the things that do not help us reach out North Star is such an important message.
This video has a very empowering, clear, lesson.
You are probably not going to see this message, but Thank you for that.
I saw it 🙂. Thank you so much Claudia.
Agree so much. That 1 trip can cause us a year.
@@thematthewhussey just to let you know.. Someone has nicked your profile picture and is replying to posts saying WhatsApp me with a number!! 🙈
@@thematthewhussey you make good videos😀
What s yr north star?
Thank goodness he's promoting this significant difference between men and women. Broadly speaking.
Thank you!! I actually pushed someone away for this reason, and after that had a bit of a bitter taste because I wasn’t sure if I made the right decision, this confirms my decision and strengthens me to do the same next time.
This is such an important piece of advice! It’s so important to stay in alignment with your core values.
Lest you kind of lose your center over the course of a 10 year relationship and your partner develops an addiction to stimulants and very suddenly hanging out with you is their 4th, 5th, 6th favorite thing to do and it causes you to question your very self worth and perception. Life is an incredible learning experience
I think relationship wise my North Star is telling me I need to find myself more than I need a man right now. If one comes along without me even trying to put myself out there, then time will tell if it's meant to be. 🍒
The guy who didn't communicate regularly and just wanted trips? He is TAKEN. He can't get away with long conversations because he has a partner or long-term girlfriend. He CAN dismiss trips as being "business". When I met my husband I was 42 and he was 47. He called me every single night. He KNEW to show that he was available and that he cared about me. The REAL red flag in your example is that this guy isn't FREE to communicate.
Absolutely. He is either married or is in another long term relationship.
Wow. Never thought of that! Thanks for heads-up!
When I started spending time with Jim...he was working on getting his masters as a middle aged man. We discussed that both of us were limited financially. We agreed that we enjoy spending time together. We agreed that the activities that we did together would be free! Walks. Bag lunch. Free concerts. Hiking. Time with friends. Volunteering. It was amazing how many activities we could come up with! Leaving $$$$$ out of relationships seems to focus more on who the other person is....morals, integrity, character, etc.
Aww. 😭 I hope I can find a relationship like this one day. It's exhausting to me when a relationship and the time spent together always revolves around spending a bunch of money. I want to someday find a partner who is willing to have fun with me even if we don't spend a single dollar. I do enjoy doing things that cost money sometimes, but I have found in past relationships that ive been with people who can't seem to have fun unless money is being spent. (Not even just with me specifically, but in general it seemed like they couldn't have fun unless they were doing something that costs money.)
100%
So very true, every word. My "little trip" was 4 years of weekends that eventually went no where. Four years of my life I will never get back. It's amazing how our needs lead us into directions we really don't want to go in.
This was a light bulb moment for me. My last relationship was around experiences not listening communication. Not about what was important to me, thank you this have been valuable for me
I came to this realization approximately 2 years ago and this is gold! It was also a painful realization. I’d rather get on with life on an ugly truth, rather than a pretty lie. Great insight!
If I had heard this 40 years ago, I would have run from the marriage I had in this type of relationship. Although I am late to the party, I am grateful to you for doing this for anyone else that is at the beginning of the same situation and can recognize it and make better decisions. 💞
This had to be the biggest wake up call ever. I never knew why I was so upset with my choices and so depressed Everytime this kind of man and I ended up ending things. This is now crystal clear
Coming out of a DV relationship and through healing I'm doing better at noticing red flags. Also have the mindset to not get attached quickly and keep my boundaries firm. I love that you share this information
I’m sorry you went through that. It’s almost been a year since I left mine and I’ve come so far and it still feels surreal. Stay strong, you’re not alone and I hope we’ll both experience greater depths of love that we deserve from various relationships (romantic, familial, friendship) xx
As a famous guy wrote a couple of centuries ago 'To thine own self be true'.
What I thought was “romantic” years ago, I now realise was a huge red flag. Turning up unexpectedly, wanting to spend every waking moment with me (effectively controlling what I was doing and who I was seeing). Even my kids say I attract the “stalker” type!
Omg same! For some reasons, I tend to attract the controlling and toxic types and just. Why. What am I doing to deserve that. I'm honestly wondering if it's because my masked autism seems through a bit still and these people see cracks to exploit for their personal benefit (and to my detriment)? It's a really uncomfortable situation.
SAME
A while back I moved to another city for work, I had no girl friends to hang out with. I met my neighbour .She was friendly we went out for drinks and she suddenly kissed me.I didn't know she was gay . Got a bit awkward decided to avoid her. She turned out to be Crazy stalker type . Stole my clothes from downstairs laundry would wait under my bld in her car for hours .
@@unrulycrow6299 I do wonder what traits I display that I attract these types. Probably my goodwill, almost naiveté, not good with setting boundaries and loyalty. I think I'm also attracted to toxic types due to them being familiar to me due to toxic childhood and I find the types that'd be good for me uninteresting, almost boring. Once I start dating again, I think I'll have to be much more intentional.
@@kokoskokso well, start setting boundaries then! And right from the start! You'll see that most toxic psychos and narcs will leave you alone in a blink of an eye!
Matthew! That you said is TOTALLY CORRECT! I realized it early and I decided to be brave and loyal to myself and don't lie myself. But before that a couple of times I refused to see reality. I learned my lesson until the third time. And it's a super power! ... Please don't sabotage your own path. If we want a relationship with empathy communication, to be heard and listen, mutuality, integrity, honesty, respect... Start with ourselves.
Matthew Hussey is a gift to women.
And men 🙌🏻 I’m actually guilty of doing this and it’s thanks to this wonderful man that I’ve just recognised it. Thankyou Mathew Hussey 🙌🏻
and men.
*Women do not need gifts like this. WOMEN need to grow up.*
And to men! This is universal
Now imagine his girlfriend reading this?
I relate to this so much.
These innocent trips sometimes do be damaging for us. Rolling the dice over to see what happens only to find out you're hurting. I haven't found any depths in any of the relationships i have been. Though i approached them thoughtfully but it was never reciprocated in the same manner. It's really evident from the inconsistent behaviour that someone is just not there where you are, for whatever reason so. One of the best things that have moved me from a place of hurting and disappointments is,
1. not focusing outward trying to decipher them and the potential dynamics
2. focusing inwards towards something that will let me touch my core and heal it.
We're all wounded children trying to get some love. I don't know what family you come from, what is your story. But i do know the moment you start looking inwards with great compassion and love. You will naturally leave spaces that do not honor you. You will lose interest in people you have been chasing. You will see yourself more than what people have told you consistently to break your heart. Because you're more than a pretty face, you're more than a body, you're more than what you offer at the table to get some love. You're more than someone who is looking for a partner, to build that family.
And when you're out of the chase game not looking at people's face whether they love you or not. That's the highest level of self respect you've unlocked. Thank you for not giving them your strings away. :') Thank you for holding your ground even though it's sometimes lonely. So brave of you. Thankyou for becoming your own person first.
I'm so glad you cherish yourself more than false promises and unmet needs. Thank you for being the person who discerns healthy from toxic. You're very brave.❤
Go sit with yourself and tell yourself that you're enough and amazing and a brilliant human being no matter what happened with you or how broken your heart has been or which part of darkness you've lurked in. You're very much capable of pulling yourself out from any vicious cycles. Let your inner child be proud of you. Have that form of self love in your heart and let the rest of the things fall naturally around you darling, you're the centre of your universe and everything revolves around you.
This is one of those issues I have observed more with men who have money than men of more modest means. Those with money want to do fun things for which they need a companion- like fine dining, concerts or theater. I once dated a man who treated me to truly AMAZING events. Really, the most incredible dates. But in the end, I realized that the attraction wasn’t to me for me. It was that I liked to do the same things as he did.
Can you clarify that? If you enjoy things you like together, aren't you guys having fun together?
@@michaelyoon9355 I think what they mean is that there’s a difference between wanting to do an activity with a person because that person is someone you want to make happy and whose company you enjoy, and doing something with a person just because they happen to be available/like doing the same things.
@@michaelyoon9355 Yes, we were having fun together. And that would be fine. But if your goal is a long lasting romantic relationship, you can tell if it is going to go anywhere. Some men only want a companion to do things. They don't want a life partner. People need to be more specific about their ultimate goals.
@@michaelyoon9355 there is a lot more to a relationship than just having fun together. You have to have similar core values and be on a parallel path.
It's not mostly men with money. The people with less money just do it differently. Mine devotes all him time and attention 1 time every 2 weeks outside of that it's ghost town. He cooks (instead of fine dining) puts on special Playlists (instead of concerts). I think they are trying to get a fix of a relationship without the relationship. Like they don't want just a fling, but they don't want the whole package so they do this. I know Mathew said there's nothing wrong with it. But there is when they know you want more so they string you along (which is where I'm at now)
When men have the financial means to offer “grand gestures” there is often no deeper meaning to it, for them the cost is insignificant, but the result is an over romanticised connection by the other person who is getting caught up in the excitement of a grand gesture.
He is looking for fulfilment in the moment, and she is looking for fulfilment in a relationship. The two are very different dynamics.
Always communicate your needs and pay attention to the actions of others.
Great comment! So true
Yes, this happened to me. He would buy me almost anything I wanted because he was a high earner-which in the beginning made me feel he was REALLY into me; however, he barely made the effort to really get to know me. It was a very surface level relationship and I eventually ended it.
@@FTYC2022 it’s like a type of love bombing. The person doesn’t always realise the impact of offering such a grand gesture because to them the cost is insignificant, but for someone who perhaps isn’t used to that type of treatment, we interpret it as “wow, he must be really interested in me and invested in where this is going.” Often in this type of dynamic you’ll also see apologies in the forms of gifts. Not a great foundation for a relationship.
@@outlinehappiness exactly!
It’s good to repeat what everyone has just watched isn’t it…
True: we may even see the Red flags but we discount them as not being significant as we want to give the new relationship a chance & the new person the benefit of the doubt..
repeats the Empath (aka: Target)
Nailed it
Imagine a relationship without any red flags.. im starting to wonder if it even exist
Amazing, the way you described my own experience! I asked my partner whether I was simply a supplier of good experiences or if there was more in our relationship. He said the question made absolute sense and it was also about me and our relationship. But in fact our communication was very poor, he avoided any "deep" conversation. To cut the story short, our North stars were very different. And I looked the other way instead of acknowledging that that relationship was leading to nowhere but deceiving and disappointment. We split two weeks ago, it aches a lot and I now have to put myself together. It will take a long time, you are so right!
Hope you are doing better now. I’m going through it just now 😅
I’m so sorry to hear this, but it’s good you have done this. If you stayed longer, who knows what might have been left of you. You dodged a bullet. I know what you’re going through but you’re better off without your ex. I can speak from experience when I say that you’ll be relieved eventually and be so much better in a moment of time. Just keep him where he belongs: behind you. Stay strong beautiful person, never let your crown slip off your head for someone who is below you. You got this, I believe in you just like how I believed in myself back then. I recognize your story.
@@kwonjiyong9684 sending love back at ya ❤️ thank you for this amazing encouraging message to a total stranger. Bless you
@@iamhamou9897 Reading messages like yours at the end of the day really makes me feel so good! I’m sending you all the love back because you deserve so.
I am so grateful for this video. Came at the right time when I’m coming to terms with what I truly want and all the times I settled for breadcrumbs. My last experience was with someone who would make these grand gestures, we were also long distance. Communication would die out when we were apart. I let myself invest in him and get emotionally vulnerable when he was closed off. We went on a trip, had the best time and a few days later after confronting him, he broke it off over text message. I was involved with this person for over 6 months. It hurt like hell for a while but now I know when to cut it off when things like that emerge. Thank you.
Its his loss dear for just wanting a casual relationship with you..You dodged a bullet. All the best in your search..🤗💗
I was just having a similar conversation with someone who wanted to do more activities together which is great but I also conveyed how the more regular, even mundane things like checking in and just taking the time to share pieces of ourselves and spending time discovering who we are and talking about our relationship too, e.g. any problems, miscommunictions, priorities,
feedback is healthy and positive as it's time well spent with the activities and experiences are the whipped cream and cherries on top of any cake of a relationship. Having been a widow for four years now, after a 30+ year relationship with my husband and best friend, I'm not missing the activities and experiences, I'm missing the more grounded of talking, checking in and catching up. I know we've gotten to the point where we know what each other was thinking and how each other would react but that's what I miss the most: I miss my partner.
You are expecting this older man you are seeing to be a certain way. He's a man. The fact that he's with you is the most important thing.( I'm a guy). I respect your long marriage, but this guy can't compete with a man who has passed away. Value your boyfriend for who he is because older women don't have the pick of the litter. Millions of lonely women out there. Your list of demands should he about 5 items long. (Non abusive, reasonably trustworthy, etc)
@@GUITARTIME2024 Oh, no, I wasn't talking to a boyfriend. I was talking to a friend about relationships and using my marriage as an example.
Of course, I'd value any guy who I'm interested in building that connection with as a new connection but he would understand that I would have set up boundaries and expectations on what I loved about my last relationship and demonstrate that in the new relationship with that person. As a result of losing my partner, I came away with some valuable lessons on how I could be a better partner to someone.
Just one other note, older women don't have pick of the litter because they're less desireable; the litter itself has gotten smaller. Older gentlemen have given up with misogynistic attitudes thinking they're better off without us and also there is the sad fact that there is an epidemic of suicide in middle-aged men, some in already committed relationships. There's a mental health crisis because most men don't have the emotional support systems that they used to have and that women still have.
@@GUITARTIME2024 Can I ask you something? You say the fact that a man is with a woman is the most important thing. I definitely agree. But I'm curious about your nuance in how you define "with".
To what degree and in what areas can a man stray from being "with" a woman before he is no longer "with" that woman?
For example, if a man is flirting with women in person or online, does that mean he isn't "with" his partner? Can a man be "with" a woman if in his mind, he's daydreaming about and seeking thoughts of and experiences of being aroused by and arousing to other women?
Or if a man is investing his excited emotional energy in another woman, and when he comes to home to his partner he is just a normal regular every day guy, without the excitement, emotional energy, interest, pep in his step, or "desire" to engage with his partner in the same way he is desiring and engaging with other women? How does that affect whether he is "with" his partner?
I'm just curious what your perspective is about what it looks like for an older adult man to be in a healthy relationship. At what point does his interest in other women become "disrespectful" to the point that you would consider that he is no longer "with" his partner? Or that he is not capable of being in a healthy relationship?
@@Lucky9_9 long story short: if he's s reasonably good guy, but seems to get little crushes or a little flirty with other women, let it go unless it goes beyond that. Guys can love their wife or long term gf very much but still have their mental energies diverted sometimes. Its how we're built. We compartmentalize. My main advice: make him feel wanted and valued, and get frisky in bed. So many women forget this.
@@Lucky9_9 I lost interest in their opinion when they said older women don't have the pick of the litter. So basically settle and take what you can get as long as they're alive and don't abuse you. Women deserve better than that.
My traumatised self watching all of these videos even when things aren’t bad 😂
🤣🤣🤣
900
Same!
You and I both 🙄
Damn me too
I was seeing someone about 4 yrs ago. After our first two dates I was glad I had met him. We spent a lot of time hanging out. Within a month I picked up the first red flag when he and I were on the phone one evening. He was being quiet,wasn't saying much. I asked if he was okay, he says "Yeah, why?" I told him "You just don't seem up for conversation." He then said, "I've just had a long day, I'm a little tired." So I told him "Well I can let you go then." Most people would say "Okay yeah thanks for understanding." His response was, "You're gonna let me go?" "I can see you seem real upset about it." Lol. Just very passive aggressive. We were seeing each other for a year. When things were good, they were great, but when he started playing head games it got frustrating. As time went on he became emotionally abusive. Never physically. Only emotionally. One time we were working on easing our way back into dating relationship after a couple of arguments. He manipulated, used the one excuse that actually made me believe what he was saying to me was true. He would tell me "I need to see change before we get back together." There was nothing about me I needed to change, and when I told him "If you think I need to "change," then why are you still talking to me, hanging out with me?" He would then turn it around and say "Oh so you're doing the victim blaming." He used whatever he could to try and me think it was all me. He would do the silent treatment, or tell me that we would talk on a specific day. He was a control freak. As more time went on, I realized that he didn't care about being in a dating relationship, he liked the idea that I had been persuing things and had shown interest, and that's all it was about. He used sex as a weapon. Meaning we were never intimate until he felt like it. Intimacy is important to me, he knew it, and used it against me just like a lot of other things. During Jan of 2021 when I was still in in communication with him a little bit, I met someone else. I was hanging out with this new guy more, I was careful because I didn't want to assume things were great like I did before. However as time went on, I just knew he was a good guy. I got that sense and feeling that things would be good. When you know you just know. I had lost all interest in the other one, and even to the point the sound of his voice would annoy me. I would reject going out with him, and he started to become more curious. I told him on the phone that I met someone else and I'm not interested in things moving forward anymore with him. He was silent. That was a slap in the face of reality to him. He said "Oh so you cheated on me?" I said "Yes." And he didn't care about that, it was the fact his ego had been let down, I was no longer pursuing him, it was over. So this new guy and I were dating for a year and a half, and we are now married. We've had a few disagreements like any couple can have, but he has never played any sort of head games with me or disrespected me. He was a true gentleman when we first met and started dating, and he's still a gentleman. Still opens doors, all of that. Flowers every birthday and valentine's. He's a true romantic. I am happy we met and are still together. We have 4 beautiful furbabies that we take on road trips and go do fun things together as a family.
So I will say to angone who is currently dating and this person is playing head games with you, I understand that it's not that easy to just dump their a**. Even if all of your friends have told you to do it, and they have even said that person is not good for you. You're in it, you've been involved with this person for a long time. The longer you talk to this person or hang out with them, the harder it is to break away from it. It's an emotional trap. When you have gone through this type of thing, it makes you a stronger person, you become more thick skinned, you are more quick on your feet to any red flags that come up, and then it becomes a complete turn off. Also just remember when they do this to you, they have done this to others as well, and it will continue.
He was likely a narcissist. Sounds like an ex bf I knew almost a decade before we dated or got romantically involved. He seemed like a potential Mr. Right & he convinced me to move (out of state) after we'd dated long distance for awhile. I got a job there first but he helped me by sharing his home since I had to start over (& major moving expenses). In the 3rd year his personality changed like Jeckyll & Hyde. Started with criticism & belittling disguised as jokes. Eventually became a control freak. I didn't see the flags til he was verbally abusive to me. Also yelled at his beloved cat so loud it scared the pee out of him (literally)! No resources on DV or narcissism like YT back then, but a counselor told me he was an abu$er. Luckily one of our friends (I was isolated, all friends & acquaintances I knew were through the bf) was at their office late one night so I was able to reach out. Despite being his close buddy in college & yrs since, he told me he'd seen the ugly side. It was an answer to my prayers & helped me get out. Later, I saw a Dr Phil episode about a narcissistic abu$ive husband & it described my ex exactly. Despite the resulting financial & emotional damage I'm so grateful I got out of that experience in time & learned the warning signs!
Sounds exactly like my Ex who was an abusive and vile Narcissist
@@barbandsarge And they will be like this with someone else. People like this don't ever change.
@@mimiz7937 ...yup
@orahs_world If you have a car, make enough money to get yourself and your babies into a better situation and support yourself and them, then do it. At this point your subjecting your kids to an unhealthy environment that they did not choose and that is not fair to them. Do something about it! Your kids will resent you for this one day.
Had this type of relationship 25 years ago. Always on the go, always a new experience, barely any time to catch my breath. Oh, it was so exciting meeting so many new people (everywhere we went we ran into people he knew), but the VERY subtle tell that this wasn't going anywhere is a comment he would always make when we would meet up. He said, "You're the girlfriend I always wanted." Not life partner. Not wife. Not mother of my children. Girlfriend. That's all he wanted, a girlfriend to have exciting experiences with. I wasted 5 years of my life on this guy. Smh.
Red Pill Rule N°1; Never let a woman distract you from your purpose. Eyes on the finish line.
@@EMichaelBall Is the finish line crying in the shower all alone because your life is just an empty shell devoid of real love and connection?
@UnicornsAreNice No. In fact, you’d be surprised how satisfying it is for men, especially those over 30, to come home to no nagging, fights, irrational thinking, or a hardened battle axe. We can dedicate ourselves to hobbies, friends, or absolutely nothing at all, without anyone berating us for it, or interfering in our wallets. Our brains fundamentally work differently and more logically than yours; The Lone Wolf Channel, Man Talk, and Alexander Grace are the best at explaining how the two sexes think. It’s women who are the ones crying in the shower all alone because their life is just an empty shell devoid of real love and connection after we went our own way.
@@EMichaelBall Well then, your attitude has gotten you to exactly where you want to be! Kudos!!
@@EMichaelBall Then just stay single. That's logical.
Thank you for this video. I have realized that I am the person who wants an experience and my boyfriend is looking at a full future together. I need to make this right.
Good for you! 😺 And good luck 🍀
Good for you! I'm just getting old enough to realize this too--some people come in and out of your life. A goodbye for now is not a goodbye forever, esp if you leave on good/friendly terms. If you're honest and upfront now and he respects that, who knows? Maybe when you're ready to have a future he'll be available and you'll hit it off again
@@hollys6299 I feel like this is a mistake a lot of women make. If you aren’t ready, cool, but don’t think he’s going to be there in the future. If he is looking for something long term and real, he deserves that and will find it with someone else. He’ll see you didn’t appreciate him being a good guy the first time around. I mean, put yourself in his shoes. Would you accept being told he doesn’t want to commit and then take him back later when he’s ready? Heck no.
V Sand even if he does get married in the meantime, the divorce rate is a coin flip at this point so yeah there's still a chance either way. I never said it was a guarantee.
And yeah I've been in this position and took my ex back. I repected his honesty and was grateful for it. The only guy i ever gave a second chance to and it was mainly bc i appreciated the courage it took to be that honest w someone. Didnt work out, but i have no regrets and look back on our time fondly.
Seems like its a deal breaker for you and thats cool. To each their own.
@@hollys6299 I’ve never dated a man who hasn’t wanted to commit to me. I’ve just never been interested in games so I choose men who don’t play any. The divorce rate is high because of women, actually. Women initiate divorce at a very high rate statistically. I read your response to my husband. He said wow…that’s a woman to avoid, talk about a red flag for a man. Not trying to offend, just maybe as women we should think about the male perspective if we want to have a future with a good one.
My husband’s communication improved a lot when I asked. Some men don’t know how to communicate in relationships.
Agree! When a person provides an answer BUT -not an answer to the question/issue/discussion being proposed that is a form of control.
Wow, the betrayal of yourself and needing validation from this kind of situation/person, really hit home. This video spoke to me today, like ultimate truth, thank you, Matthew.
Thank you so much for making it clear! I went through marriage with someone like that. Something told me there was a problem there from the beginning, but people close to me, especially my family, reacted as if I was crazy, ungrateful, and made me believe I was a horrible person. I wanted true connection, not grandiose gestures.
As someone who has never been in a relationship but did try to connect with a guy recently, I realized I also did this same thing. Part of the thing for me is that I feel like I best connect with people through experiences and then that will form a connection that organically leads into me being able to talk to them more and get more emotionally intimate over text and such. That’s because that’s how I’ve always best formed friendships. But I am seeing now how this can look from the other side so I needed this callout. Thank you for this.
Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without her. Despite attempts to purge her from my mind, I remain haunted by his absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.
Its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 5 years ended, but i couldn't just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back.
Intriguing! I'm curious, how did you find a spiritual counselor, and what's the most effective way for me to reach him?
Meet fatherabulu , a renowned spiritual counselor acclaimed for his talent in bringing back ex-partners.
Thank you for this valuable information.
Try not looking to the outer world for your answers. Instead look within. What is it triggering when they are no longer with you. Looking at yourself with love and acceptance is one of the most challenging things that most are missing. Only then can we truly see clearly. And will be fully ready to have another share our life.
You're the first one I've watched a dating advice for that actually makes sense and respects people's differences. Not like the other "gurus" who build their branding on misogyny, patriarchal ideals, and shaming. The advice works for anyone too, not just women.
I love that you made it a point not to demonise the guy for wanting what he wanted because his wants of fun and adventure are just as valid as the woman wanting an actual relationship. Neither of them is right or wrong, they're just different and incompatible.
Of all the years I've been listening to you Matthew, I'd sat this is one of the best you've put out. Very mature and genuine. Love to you xx
This is by far the best video I've seen of your advice. Things can seem very alluring, and exciting but they are detrimental to your end goal. You have to choose to spend your time solely on your goal, anything else is getting off track. So on point about self-worth decreasing when engaging in these behaviors. This happens without us realizing it.
I had my moment of realization and saw the red flags even before we were able to have a romantic relationship. We shared so much time together that it became an addiction, as you say, and the fun that came with being around him and feeling a certain way. But in the end, I knew my north star and saw he couldn't (because of his own issues) fill it even if he wanted to. Now I'm stuck with these feelings that I have been trying to crawl out of...I guess that's the hardest part.
Really love the concept of having your North Star and of small self-betrayals. It eloquently puts into words that feeling that I know well
Same, g :/ but I’m finally on a path to familiarize myself with the other feelings, however 💪🏼
This reminds me of a non-romantic interaction between myself and an old employer which I believe still had a strong aspect of what you’ve discussed here. He wanted me to spend more time on the road (contrary to what I was hired to do). I explained that I disliked driving because it was stressful, my vehicle needed 600 dollars worth of repairs, and I wasn’t hired to do so much driving in the first place. I asked him for a couple weeks to save some cash, get the repairs done, and consider if I wanted to stay onboard by accepting the change in my work duties. He immediately arranged and paid for my car to be repaired. At face value, he was nipping one of my major concerns in the bud as well as being financially generous. But I ultimately left that job because what he was actually doing was being dismissive. He was throwing me a sop. The message his actions conveyed was not, “I’m here to help.” It was, “There. That oughtta shut you up for a while. Now, back to MY needs..”
I love your name. I had a friend who I had a running joke going on with a spatula. Thanks for the memory.
From a business perspective, sounds like he was just trying to solve the problem with your car so you would do more driving. I guess that also translates into him not caring about your stress over driving
Well you offered him that option by giving him a list of reasons why you didn't want to be on the road. So he made your vehicle secure, being male he "solved" the issue in his mind that made you stressed on the road. So like in relationships if you list fringe things you'd like changed, vs the core issue, it confuses the communication. Boss I don't like driving for work. Home...I don't like how you swear at me....vs I don't like how you talk and I wish you'd put your dishes in the dishwasher. You get the dishwasher behaviour changed but he still calls you swear words cause he didn't hear the issue.
Very true, Joy. Thank you.
Hmm.. that sounds like my mother, a narcissist. She does that constantly, it’s dismissive , alright, and feeds their ego.
Bingo. That's exactly why I walked away from someone yesterday. Thank you for this confirmation and affirmation for my recent action. Have a good day/night.
Wow. This is how most guys date now. I was stuck in it for 3 years. After I dumped him, my North Star found me 🥰
My exhusband was like this when we were dating. When i expressed doubts about the relationship, his answer was big, grande jestures (showing up at my house at 2am and crying until i said i wouldn't break it off, screaming that he loved me at the top of his lungs, running 3 miles to bring me a cookie and later when we were married, hauling the giant kitchen table out into the woods and dressing up in a suit and cooking for me- which i had to clean up the mess). Turns out he's a sadistic sociopath and thought everything was a game and manipulating my emotions made him feel like he "won". I'm married to my soul mate now and let me tell you, I'll take love, friendship and acceptance over fireworks ANY DAY.
“You cannot have fun with someone until you know who they are”
Yup “fun” exactly. Physical abs emotional connection is important. And compatibility.
Yes you can
Nobody knows anyone.
I recently met a nice man while shopping. We talked a bit, exchanged phone numbers. Later that night we talked on the phone. He started telling me how to respond to him. Telling me what to say and how to say it. Red flags waving there. I quickly hung up and blocked his number. Wow !
His understanding of what really matters and ability to provide profound advice in a simple way is mind-blowing
Damn you Matthew Hussey for being so right! 😅 This is so on point. I've wasted so much time and energy on men who did not meet my North Star because I was chasing feelings. And you can tell the difference between the ones who check in with every few days to see how you are and what's new and the ones who just want that "fun" weekend away etc.
Too many men are jaundiced from bad experiences with women, or have observed horror stories from their friends, that they just want to pump and dump.
@@EMichaelBall Maybe y'all need to define your North Star, too, lol. Fat chance. Maybe if men and women all treated each other the way they'd like to be treated, be honest, and have some simple courtesy, things would look up out there!
The way to feel closer is to spend time with someone. So complicated. Also your telepathy is amazing.
You are a legend. This talk came to me on the perfect time. I have been ignoring my North Star in for a while thinking if I get along with what he wants than eventually we will get closer but the truth is all I feel is self betrayel.