I was making dinner tonight very moody and resentful. My plan was to make dinner and then lie in bed the rest of the evening feeling sorry for myself. I listened to this while cooking and then somehow realized I am the problem and was triggered into my bad mood. I made a great meal, spent the evening with my husband and child, and even got a workout in! I want to be a happy mom!! We sang if you’re happy and you know it and cuddled. Phew!!!
I relate. My mom was very avoidant when I was a child. She just was always in the house, cleaning and feeding but never playing or involved. I'm trying my best to not be like that but I'm having a hard time identifying the balance, when it's just I'm sooo tired I need a rest please guve mommy some time (my son is 6) or I'm being horrible and neglecting my son. I don't know if I'm doing it right
Because of my childhood trauma, I was afraid to ask anything of adults or even really to tell them what was going on with me. A few years ago, when my daughter was 5 or 6, we were spending time with some of our friends. One of them is this friend I adore who is a loud guy who would have scared the pants off of me as a kid. He liked to tease my daughter by calling her the wrong name. He pulled me and my husband aside to tell us how amazed and proud he was that our daughter took him to one side and explained to him what her real name is, and that she doesn't appreciate being called the wrong name. I'm SO glad that she felt strong enough to do that, and that despite him being a loud adult, he listened to her, apologized for calling her the wrong name and stopped doing it. 10 minutes later she changed her mind and told him she was fine with the joke. But she really just wanted him to know her boundaries and have them respected. She makes me proud every day that she's a lot more grounded and assertive than I was even in my 20s.
@@zenli1407 - Thank you! I often feel like I'm absolutely terrible at it, but every once in a while my kid does something to remind me that maybe I'm not terrible.
Rain I'm glad you mentioned this point because it reminds me of when I was going to a sports bar that has bands etc as well and a security guard voiced his difficulty in coping with all the drunk people, which is totally understandable. I stopped drinking many years ago and don't judge the ones who still do, but said to him that it's like dealing with a room full of unruly children! I googled it and found lists such as ten reasons why drunk people are like children, which was very validating. Lol. I heard that the man ended up leaving the job and is much happier now, so that's great, especially for his own young children. ☺
I read 20+ parenting books while pregnant with first child. I had intuition that children, even babies, have some innate intelligence and wisdom, and I wanted to be sensitive in parenting so that I could witness and allow room for their innate wisdom, to allow room for them to express at every age who they are and give them opportunity to learn and grow in their own natural ways. I am so glad that I did, I gave them regular routines of care, meals, a structured daily schedule but filled with play, social time with other kids and moms, formal and informal learning at nature trails and exploratory science museum, early Ed sports, outings to local recreation, restaurants, music concerts, etc. I will always be glad I made them my #1 priority and we had this kind of relationship from before they were born. Most cultures define their child age at birth as 1 year old. Even your thoughts and assumptions, and how you treat yourself while pregnant affects your baby. Each one will have different influences unique to them. Each one will have unique personality, way of perceiving and interpreting the world. I think it is kind of cheapening the child's early worldview to call them little narcissists, as that is all they know and they have to go through that stage to differentiate from their mother. Also, children are not drunks, I think that is derogatory towards children. Drinks have dysregulated and infantile behavior bc they seek to escape reality and let go of adult responsibility of even being in control of their feelings, thoughts, and actions. For children this is a normal part of development and is not unreasonable for adults to have to positively cope and help the children learn.
@@annak29I agree that these expressions would be very damaging and unfair if they were used as a serious comparison, or expressed to our children in any capacity, even as a “joke.” That’s part of Patrick’s healthy parenting technique of protecting your children from adult emotions. Using this kind of light-hearted comparison in an adults-only context can really help a miserable or drowning parent to feel validated in the difficulty of raising a child. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with the child. It’s not something that I would say to a friend or family member who has the tendency to demean children’s humanity or treat them like problems. More so to a more adjusted adult who is on the same page about the importance of healthy parenting despite the obstacles. That being said, I completely respect what you’re saying and can empathize with the mentality that this is an inappropriate comparison. It’s totally OK not to want to use this sort of comparison when referring to children. Just wanted to point out how it helped me and may help other parents who feel frustrated and stuck sometimes!
I decided I didn't want kids when I was 17. Let's take into account that, at that age, I believed I had the best, happy, childhood, just felt mentally unstable. Later on, I realized how my family system really was; I knew my parents tried not to repeat their own family dynamics but that's pretty much what they did. I was terrified I'd pass it on unconsciously, so I confirmed I wouldn't be able to handle parenthood. I'm almost 40 and never regretted my decision, but it breaks my heart some of us had to take it.
I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't have kids until I fixed myself (emotionally and medically) and had money enough to not need help. I'm still broken and broke at 30, but at least I'm not bringing kids into a terrible environment.
@Shell C. I disagree. I decided way earlier than that but when I was 17 everyone around me no matter their gender was already keen on having children. Obviusly not right at that moment but they saw them in their future and looked for a partner with the same views. There were like two girls who shared my opinion and one dude who just plain hated children. It's very interesting.
I would recommend a cut off. If they weren't good parents to you or your significant other then they WILL NOT be good grandparents. They are who they are.
@appa L I'd be more worried about what narcissistic people would do to my kids rather than worry about if my kids were deprived of an imaginary storybook grandparent experience. Over here we're not missing a darn thing by cutting off contact with dramatic narcissists. My kids don't know who my mother or their fathers mother is. I do not refer to them as grandmother but by other names. Never grandmother. I don't want assholes around me, I definitely don't want them around my kids. I protect my kids from ridiculous people. Cutting off contact with people that only provide stress..... literal stress that makes my body tense and my teeth clench has been a very good thing for our wellbeing. Look up the words Histrionic and Narcissist. Do you want to continue being around that type of person? Would you offer your child up on a platter to curb their abuse? Cutting contact is simple before kids. I wonder if what you're actually afraid of is the blowback if you went no contact. You will see lots of people no respecting your wishes and these are called flying monkeys. You'll need to be the bravest you've ever been. Best wishes.
I had to cut off my parents. They don’t have access to my kids especially when my mom threatened abandonment when my daughter was frustrated about not being able to figure out a puzzle. My kids are allowed to feel their feelings.
@@andreabeasley3287 we all physically grow into adults, but at our heart, are still just scared little kids! He might be a 30 year old man, and acting out - but you are still his Mama, and that confused, scared little boy inside him, just needs your love, support, and guidance! He's terrified of parenthood, it's a daunting challenge to a brand new parent - maybe his neediness, is his way of asking you for help, without saying so. 💕
@@andreabeasley3287 might take awhile, but that's an awesome, and courageous first step! I think too, men find it so much harder to be emotionally vulnerable, and outright asking for help/support, because of the toxic societal "norms", where men are meant to be made of steel, and without feelings, and any form of vulnerability is equated to less masculinity?! It's ridiculous, but very slowly changing. Be that change! Remind him, that no matter what state he comes to you - he is safe, he is loved, and he is supported. And that everything he feels is valid, and you can stand with him through his storms. But also, if you can't - be honest with him, you are human too, before being a parent. Often, just feeling heard, and seen by our parents, can bring great comfort, and open pathways to deeper connection. Many blessings to you x
I recently realized that being rushed and in chaos is a HUGE trigger for me. I get really irritable. I have a 4 and a 9 year old. I was raised in a toxic family with an immigrant Cluster B invalidating and emotionally volatile mom who parented with fear and shame and a non-protective codependent dad. Not having enough quiet me time is a huge trigger. I just moved out of my mom’s place- I came back home my after my divorce. I can’t let her do this to my girls. I can’t parent effectively when I’m triggered and being mom shamed in front of my children by my own mother. This is just IS NO LONGER AN OPTION. I won’t let her parentify my kids and I won’t be a mess and have them feeling like they have it care for me, like my mother did me. Carl Jung is a genius.
I was considering divorce because my husband I think would project his mother on me.. idk but he would always shame me and accuse me of doing something wrong.. he even had the audacity to say I was neglecting our daughter!! When I was caring for her the whole time.. I said this is enough!! But when I started saying no your mom was the one that was neglectful.. things changed quickly.. I was not going to put up with this and also be an emotional mess infront of them
@@AmandaVieiraMamaesouCult Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include *antisocial personality disorder* *borderline personality disorder* *histrionic personality disorder* and *narcissistic personality disorder*
I am from Brazil. In our christian/catholic culture recognizing anything bad from our parents is a big no no. Thanks for your videos, they are helpful and healing.
It's the toddler screaming tantrums for me. I get an instant migraine and I'm right in that moment when I was s kid always getting yelled at. Parenting through trauma is tough.
Having my first child was the catalyst for change in my mental health. I should’ve been getting help years before, but recognizing that I was reacting to normal newborn/baby behaviors in a way that I recognized from my own childhood scared the hell out of me. I’m far from perfect, but I’m SO proud of myself for getting help and working my a** off to break the cycle.
I just find it amazing that people want to be praised for the single fact, and their decision, of being parents. "I've sacrificed so many dreams for my kids", this actually makes me wanna throw up and then the super mommas tend to attack with "are you a parent?". Honestly, I feel like I'm being a better mother by deciding not to put kids in this world if i dont feel emotionally and financially capable of fully support them, nor resent them for "giving up of my dreams".
Thank you for your contribution to peace on earth. A child merely confirms virility and successful biological processes-nothing else. No virtue. Not even an orgasm. Gabore Mate says something like 'the greatest gift you can give your children is your own happiness.' My dad ducks responsibility for hurting us by saying how much it hurts HIM--look at HIM, and by justifying his past abuse as if we should be grateful he was not more cruel. Guilt tripping foolishness. "I gave up my dreams for ___." Means you value it as much as your dreams, eh? So don't treat your dreams like sh*t. Or they really never valued themselves enough in the first place, and are compensating by guilting innocents. Idiots.
@@shansational1803 Thank you! I completely agree with Dr. Gabor Mate and enjoy listening to his lectures. I am one of those children whose parents got married because that's what they should do to look good at the eyes of society. They were raised in a rural an poor area (when 80% of country's population lived exactly in same conditions) and my mother immediately got pregnant when my father stated he didn't want kids, as one wasn't enough, she decided to have a secong (hoping that she would have a male that could provide her the love her husband didn't give her and turn my older sister into his slave), the deception of having a 2nd female made her very very angry, 2 useless women. They worked from from 9am to 8pm and never closed the shop for vacations. We were raised without toys, books (school ones were enough), room furniture..i was just sent into a corner of the room and slept in a foldable bed until i was 15 years old. My clothes were 2nd handed or from street market, even if my parents had money, they wanted to raise us in poverty, because they were jealous that we could have more than what they had. I developed severe asthma and allergies at the age of 18 months, had a non identified condition that made my limbs easily go out of place causing me excruciating pain, i suffered constant verbal, emotional abuse not to mention the endless beatings at the end of a rageholic mother that used her daughters as human punchbags. Had my first signs of depression when reached 8th grade, being victim of bullying for 4 years, ofc this issue wasn't addressed besides my weak physical health, i begged to change school. At my 2nd year of college i finally broke down, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, couldnt function anymore...wasn't able to recover. Had several breakdowns and was just trying to keep my head above water, at the age of 30 after a heart break i developed a rare autoimmune disease (myasthenia gravis), not long after more anguish and heartbreak and the suicidal thoughts became active, i was punished by being locked in a mental ward in a 3rd world country where i was living, kicked out to the same sh*thole, broken in all ways, mentally ill, physically ill, no financial stability. I believe i was set up for failure since the beginning, I remember grasping for air even before i remember walking or talking, i remember the painful rashes and hives all over my body, i remember the pain of my dislocated arms being put back in place...and while enduring so much pain my weak body was still beaten until covered in bruises, so many mean words were thrown at me, screaming, yelling, the few little things that i had like a book or a toy offered by someone were destroyed in front of me, to cause me even more pain. Meanwhile, while i have a "crazy record" and the "abuse happened long time ago (more than 20 years since i was born) so i should forget and be responsible for how messed up my mind and body is, my parents are 70 and 80 and are healthy and full of will to live. They look fine to the society, they worked and retired and looked great, probably they were just unlucky for having such bad daughters.
OMG YES. My mom always come up with this speech "I sacrificed my youth abd life for you" Tgen why in the fuck did you have a child??? I wasn't even an accident, I was a planned child!!! Like... if you didn't want to sacrifice your dreams, why tgen did you do it?
@@Sarablueunicorn so sorry that you went through all of that pain. But on the other hand, you’re a beautiful survivor who is sensitive and understanding. High marks for carrying your cross and not checking out! The best is yet to come! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Excellent point! Thank you for sharing this with us. Your perspective opens up the hurt martyrdom (simp) does. No one asked you to give up your dreams.
I never had kids due to childhood trauma. I knew that I never saw a healthy relationship, and that I would be lost as a parent. As an ACOA, I knew that I didn’t have the tools. Still healing at 42. Thanks for your amazing videos! ☮️
Every few months, in quiet, peaceful moments, I ask my son, age 5, how I'm doing as a mom. Then I listen to his answers which, when critical, are a list of the things that deeply trigger me. Conversely, when he praises me, those are often the actions and behaviors that address the triggers for myself and bring a sense of healing and comfort both to my child and myself. He knows that he gets to share whatever he wants and will never be criticized or punished. And I get the chance to know what he needs and work on giving that to him, and often, to myself.
Wow. What a beautiful, courageous thing to do. The love you have for him shines through. With that amount of love, he will always be in good hands. Much love and healing to you, what I would have given to have had a mother like you
I remember when growing up, my parents did a lot of the «but what did you do?»-stuff when I had problems with a friend or a teacher. And the first twenty-five years of my life I found that to be a very good thing to say, I even praised them for have done that, since I meant it taught me about owning my own stuff and be more empathetic and so on. But then I suddenly realised it also taught me that my feelings never matter. And even now (at fifty) I get triggered by that when it happens. My feelings are always ‘wrong’, and I get super-mad. I didn’t have kids myself before I was thirty, so I made an effort not to do this to them. (And actually, most of the time my kids were right: their friend really was being unhealthy, or their teacher in fact did a mistake, so I tried to make it a learning moment about how to handle other people doing mistakes or even when to leave a bad friendship.) But it is so funny I grew up thinking this was a smart and healthy thing to do.
the day my mom said that to me, when I was so anxious about sharing my frustration with her, was the day I decided (at age 7 or 8) to NEVER come to her with my worries. I knew she'd just blame me, when it clearly wasn't me. Being misunderstood really triggers me.
@@throttle4593 if you can, please tell each one of your kids how wrong you were then and how you'll never be that way again and if you are, they are free to call you on it and you'll listen. Age 40 ,I told my mom and she promptly apologized. Too late, but what a gift.
To be fair, they did really help me when it mattered the most, it’s not like they blamed me for being abused or something. I can’t imagine how it must feel to be blamed for causing abuse or bullying. I remember once my mum scolding a teacher over the phone and even threatening him. He never dared touch me again after that and became super kind. So, they weren’t afraid to stand up for us. But in general they really thought it was a good thing to say: «But what did you do?» when we came to them with normal problems.
Same here: The more consistently and automatically our trusted caretaker applies that rule of always "grabbing your own nose" first, the more empathetic and understanding we get for everyone else ...except for ourselves.
I would always see my mom unhappy and depressed and angry at home but she would only be happy around her friends. It always made me feel like she didn't like me
I love this! Thank you. My first child was very strong willed. I remember a time when he was throwing fits and many people told me to spank him with a wooden spoon and I strongly disagreed but I was a single teen mom. I once lost it and said that’s it I’m doing it. I grabbed a wooden fork and my 4 year old looked at me and said ,”What are you going to fork me” we both laughed and just talked it out. He was very smart for a four year old and we just talked through difficult tantrums or I just sat with him through it. That always worked for us. Getting that poor advice from my parents and daycare lady was very sad to me. I couldn’t believe that’s the only advice I got from them was to hit my child.
That advice you for from your parents and daycare lady is the byproduct and evidence of the expression, “kids should be seen and not heard”. So to even consider talking it out to a child is a foreign and unearthly concept. Adults who are disconnected and are in charge of raising kids can be very dangerous to the child’s well-being. I’m hoping that daycare lady doesn’t last long in her profession.
Am going through similar situation but with a young teen in a private school that has ZERO clue how to manage the kids as a whole. I hear nothing but stories about the (all female) teachers yelling at the kids. Day in and day out. I refuse to yell at my daughter, even if she is being stubborn.
Thank you for saying that self care and having a life outside of your children is good parenting. I struggle with that. In my family culture it’s not acceptable esp for the mom.
Your videos mean so much to me. I was diagnosed Cptsd and a dissociative disorder. My mother was my main abuser, and allowed others to abuse me as well. There are many memories I still don’t have access to…Becoming a mother was very triggering by itself. Having my own child, and feeling the love I had for her, was triggering in that I could not comprehend how or why my mother was capable of doing some of the heinous things she did. When my children hit certain ages/reach certain milestones, I’ve been triggered just from the age (i.e. daughter turns 14, which is the same age I was raped by mother’s boyfriend, ended up pregnant, had it beaten out of me). I hope I haven’t crossed a line in sharing - Again, thank you for your videos, I listen to them daily. ❤️
I'm very sorry that happened to you, but it makes me happy there are people like you who work on giving their kids better than they got! I hope that you take the time to feel proud each time you do better!
Dearest Annette, I'm so sorry about how you were abused by family members! I had a horrific tragedy during my childhood that framed so much of my life because of the shame I carried! I am now in recognizing it for what it is and walking through healing! I know often children carry the shame of horrific traumas like this! I did! I'm sure you'll be a much better mom, and the love you feel for your daughter will motivate even more healing! Just the fact that you recognized the innocence of your daughter, how priceless she is in contrast to your relationship with your mom. She's blessed to have a loving, caring mom like you! 💞
Your mothers boyfriend deserves the death sentence IMO, and your mother failed you in every way. Getting healing for yourself now is the best thing you can do for your child. I always felt that was the biggest thing I could have done to make a difference for the better in my children’s lives, was the years and work I spent in healing my trauma’s of family origin. ❤
My mom didn’t believe her PERVY husband was MOLESTING me either…then when I was 41 she got drunk and spewed that I was going to sleep with her husband!! While beating me senseless in front of my family…yeah…I’m trying to decide if I should remove her from my life…but I know she also had a really bad childhood…so I just try to stay distant…what a mess we can make of our kids …Satan😊 has a blast doesn’t he? Praying for you..much Love ❤️ PS…you sound like a Avery awake and protective mother…good for you
Through the lens of childhood trauma: 1. Apologize & explain your reactions. 15:55 2. Don’t let THEM take CARE of YOU. 17:20 3. Encourage their perception & inner reality compass. 20:48 4. Work on your own life & your own happiness. 24:38 5. Redefine your value system. 27:00 6. Be AWARE & CONSCIOUS about what you are modeling 29:00 Honorable Mention: Providing a ‘Good Enough’ Childhood. 31:00
Traumatization is a response to abnormal and abusive circumstances. Traumatized parents traumatize their children. In adulthood we need to unlearn all the unhealthy behaviors we learned in childhood.
@@paulinerubin92 you could still apologize for your mistakes and explain what you know better now. If it was very difficult and you don't see each other anymore, you can also write a letter instead of talking about it face-to-face
They’re really helpful, and it’s gonna be a lot easier dealing with those issues when we do have kids because we have the preparation instead of figuring it out when the time comes. As Patrick said, it’s really about overcoming our own problems.
My husband and I both come from tough childhoods, and we had our first child in 2020. The pregnancy and infancy stirred up a lot of unresolved issues we have with our families and our pasts, things we thought we had moved past long ago. Thank you for posting this video. It's extremely helpful.
my son and his wife had their first last October. They are having such a hard time now, mostly wanting to be perfect parents and control everything. Not sure which side is more traumatized but she's pretty high anxiety about her childhood. As a first time grandmother I made a mistake and got severely chewed out for it. When I countered I was cancelled. I have been trying to resolve this every since and would sit in a therapist's office with him if he'd let me. Make it all about him from now on if that's what he needs. Haven't seen the baby in 3 months and he insists I get therapy to fix my 'pushiness' before he will even talk to me.
@@cyndimoring9389 He is trying to control everything in the only way he knows how. I pray that you can resolve this. I got a similar treatment. Haven't seen my grandkids in 10 months. We have to be invited and we haven't been.
@@pennyduncan6861 thank you for understanding. I don't think we always 'deserve' this treatment as some younger commenters on these threads assert. I literally feel your pain, although I don't know the details of your 'canceling'. As a young mother it never occurred to me to stand in the way of my kids' relationship with my mom, even though she was a difficult person for me.
@@cyndimoring9389 Hey...I don't have a child or married for that matter. I however watched my cousin, to whom my mom is like a mother since hers is deceased, cut off my mom within a week of her child being born. The child started school last year. She's never been readmitted into his life. I believe it was my mom pushing things on her that caused her to do this. My supposition is by "pushiness" your son means that they feel that their independence is not respected. I suppose "no" to you feels to them like it's a suggestion. Or maybe not. I know for my mom it was my cuz feeling like my mom felt like she knows it all. Don't do this do that. And anytime she would resist my mom kept insisting, she just couldn't make the decisions as the mom to the child. Just suggestions. I hope it improves the relationship with your sons family. If you can ask your son what he wishes you'd have done differently as a parent/ how he wishes home would have been structured when he was young. Hopefully that gives you insight into the kind of home he wants to build. I'd say support him in that vision even if you may not agree with him (as long as it is legal).
You've no idea how timely this is, Patrick I found out last week that my little brother's wife is pregnant for the 1st time. I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm triggered! I don't want history to repeat. I'm crying, but I'm watching this until the end.
@@stefaniadjelebova Thanks for the suggestion. Sadly, I think things would have to get rough for him BEFORE he'd watch it! For now I've stashed it in my saved items.
I wish there had been resources like this when my first was born, 25 years ago. I didn't even use home internet yet. Hard to imagine what life was like back then, and how we got along without it. Best of luck to you!
I personally don't have any children, but I am in my early 20s working in child care as a childhood trauma survivor and your points hit me so on point in this video. I do try to be a good model and show emotion and kindness with the kids, but when it comes to conflict it gets really difficult for me. Thank you for this video, I think it'll be really helpful for me to be a better caregiver while I am still in this position, I hope to follow my own dreams once I finish moving in the next month.
Tip number one? I heard about when my kid was very young and I’ve been consistent with it and you know what? He straight up tells me what’s upset him any time he’s sad now, whether it had anything to do with me or not. So so thankful he feels free enough to do that!
Again, thank you so much. I am 75. My daughter is 45. And we have had our ups and downs. !!!!!!! It is very painful to listen to everything you say, but at the same time of course it is very truthful and healing. So there’s no way I can change the past, but who knows what can happen in the present that can be very good. Thank you for all that you do.
I definitely needed this video. I am in process of healing my inner child but I do worry this long journey ahead of me may take too long and I feel guilty as a young parent.
I became an adult who was “blunted”. I had little emotions or feelings. I had no self. Having my firs5 daughter taught me what love was....and I loved my three girls so much and tried so hard as a single mom to do what I knew. Truly they were the best years of my life I loved raising my kids. But wow I knew little other than reading Dr Sears books! It took 20 years and counseling to really have a strong self..... and 13 of the last years of ongoing work finessing. To have to face not being the best parent I could and should have been honestly and apologize to your adult kids is the hardest thing. I wanted to be perfect so bad. I went to counseling and read books and tried to do the opposite of what happened to me. But I wasn’t perfect. I regret so much and most of all was just seeing their sad faces when I said stupid things. There was no internet or metoo and limited resources. I will spend the rest of my life working on being the best parent I can be and respecting my adult kids. And watching my own triggers. It’s amazing to see my daughters having skills that took me 30 years of adult work in their 20’s! Everything Patrick says is always so spot on. Self acknowledgement and care. Patrick has really helped me on my journey!
Wow. Jung was right about the impact of the parents unlived life on the child. Their disappointments and unrealized dreams and frustrated aspirations were my constant companion. Sometimes they still are.
This was awesome! I feel I need a whole series just on “typical things a child does at each age that will trigger you, and how to deal with it in a healthy way instead” but give skits like you did here.
Same...they're still young now but I wish I could redo the last 2-3 years with the awareness that I have childhood trauma i would manage myself so much differently
Would love to see that “whole different video” about struggling with holding onto a relationship with grandparents 😬 if there’s quite a bit of toxicity
I hear you referencing "having small children" most often as being triggering but I'd like to add having children of any age who have disabilities. I have an Autistic teen who is like having a giant toddler at times, and I'm getting triggered all the time. I definitley never have gotten to leave that exhaustion and loss of self trigger. Please don't leave people like us out, because we often don't even get to feel that our children are truly moving to the next "developmentally appropriate" stages. Particularly when you have a grown child who is still physically acting out/ physically agressive and not able to use words and you are a parent with a traumatic childhood history, this is very hard. Other than that, I really like your style and you are a very effective communicator. Thank you.
My son is 19. He’s like a 4 year old. It’s very triggering for me because it brings back k memories of how I was treated by my parents when I wasn’t good enough. I keep thinking back how would they have treated my son. My mother used to hit me if I repeated a multiplication problem. My son repeats everything all day. It’s like reliving what they did. I am not like them I can’t be lol ged beat me up.
Extend that to having adult kids who did grow- up to have issues and you have to sort- out accepting your own responsibility while simultaneously healing your own inner child without feeling triggered and acting- out.
That's a very good point. My preteen son has severe ADHD, and this is a huge trigger for my ex-husband. He doesn't see it, but I do and I gently try to encourage self-reflection. He sees himself in our son and then ends up treating him the way he was treated by his father.
I have a 5-year old autistic non-verbal son. I worry about his future all the time. I feel like I don't have the energy, knowledge, or resources to help him, so he'll end up like me with no parental guidance or support. I'm actually good at verbally communicating and explaining complex things to others, and when i mess up or blow up on my kid, i do sit down and try to explain why to my son, but i feel like this doesn't apply to him because i have no idea how much he can understand of what I'm saying. So he can't understand what i need him to do or listen to me, and not having my needs understood or listened to are major triggers for me. It's like no matter what both me and my son will always be silenced.
Beautiful thing you are doing here. I'm so sad that I didn't know any of this when I was a young mum 30 years ago. My cptsd affected him, and I'm estranged from my boy. The weight of it, is the most terrible burden. I just thank god , this community can stop the trauma continuing through generations.
Just hearing the first 30 seconds of this has triggered so much intense anxiety in me. I had to take medication. But I forced myself through it to be sure I did it. Then realized I do this already myself! Been breaking these generational issues to be sure my son doesn’t deal with what I did/do… it has to end.
It really is too bad we find ourselves existing within such a sh** hole hell. Glad it's finally coming to its end. 🌟You have brought out so many encouraging practical points, great work!💖
This past year I've spent my parenting time being massively triggered, because my three children are now in the major ages where I experienced most of my childhood trauma.... It's been super fun. I'm so grateful for your videos!
Holy wow. Answered questions i never had but need to ask. Im all 33, not sure about endeavoring dating for marriage/property/children and shit, but very sure that he just nailed every uncertainty i had growing up, and beyonnnnnd. Great video, just closed my gaping mouth.
I'm glad to have found your channel. I'm trying to figure out to get away from my toxic "parents". Educating myself of the BS that these A-holes have caused.
Such great content, you are so helpful. I never had children, I grew up in the 80's and I feel it will take the rest of my life to undo the trauma from that toxic family. I felt I did society a favor not getting married and have kids because I simply do not have the tools to lead a healthy household. I refuse to become my parents. That's just me, I'm glad you came out of your situation and became an incredible therapist. Your work and approach really helps, it's as though someone finally gets it. Thank you.
I made a conscious decision to not have kids while my mother was still alive. I didn't trust her anywhere near a vulnerable psyche, and knew she would be invasive and demanding and manipulative regarding her grandchildren. I ended up never having kids, and don't regret it.
I read 20+ parenting books while pregnant with first child. I had intuition that children, even babies, have some innate intelligence and wisdom, and I wanted to be sensitive in parenting so that I could witness and allow room for their innate wisdom, to allow room for them to express at every age who they are and give them opportunity to learn and grow in their own natural ways. I am so glad that I did, I gave them regular routines of care, meals, a structured daily schedule but filled with play, social play time with other kids and moms, formal and informal learning at nature trails and exploratory science museum, early Ed sports, outings to local recreation, restaurants, music concerts, etc. They gravitated toward their own preferred constructive purposeful activities in play, and that motivated them toward self-regulation and organized their mind and body. I will always be glad I made them my #1 priority and we had this kind of relationship from before they were born. Most cultures define their child age at birth as 1 year old. Even your thoughts and assumptions, and how you treat yourself while pregnant affects your baby. Each one will have different influences unique to them. Each one will have unique personality, way of perceiving and interpreting the world. I think it is kind of cheapening the child's early worldview to call them little narcissists, as that is all they know and they have to go through that stage to differentiate from their mother. Also, children are not drunks, I think that is derogatory towards children. Drunks have dysregulated selfish hedonistic behavior bc they seek to escape reality and let go of adult responsibility of even being in control of their feelings, thoughts, and actions. For children this is a normal part of development, but many kids didn't get this opportunity to learn self-regulation, and is expected for adults to have to positively cope and help the children learn how to self-regulated.
I'm glad this video came up again. I watched it a little while back. I recently let a therapist go because she was telling me to "create a homework list of specific values [I'd] like to have with my [soon-to-be-born] child" and to "stop focusing on negative things from my own childhood." She also shamed me that my no-contact with my VERY abusive parents would be detrimental to my unborn child because "children need grandparents more than [I] need to be away from uncomfortable differences in political opinions with my parents" (as if THAT is what triggers me about my parents...). I was particularly frustrated because I have tried MANY therapists since my initial C-PTSD diagnosis, and this one specifially assured me that she was well-versed in childhood trauma. I'm so exhausted from having to spend thousands of dollars to vet invalidating after not-good-enough after incompetent therapist. At LEAST I have the channel (and I'm joining the online healing community!).
Or not. For some reason my card flagged the subscription fee (I've never experienced this with this card) and sent me a "potential fraud alert" text, and when I tried to re-enter it I got an alert that there are no longer spots available. This is so typical of my journey to find decent therapy advice. (Can you tell I"m catastrophizing?) What an absolute, stressful bummer. Maybe I can use it as an opportunity to cultivate resilience! I'm glad the course is so popular and so many people are getting help.
"When the student is ready the Teacher will appear" thank you so much for sharing your gifts with humanity. I was so triggered yesterday and had an OTT reaction which I immediately owned, apologised for 😢 and put right. Lone parent, escaped abusive husband and toxic surviving family via a women's refuge but being dragged through the judicial system by them BECAUSE I got out! If it wasn't for the Lord, they'd have danced on my grave and turned the little ones to destruction. Oh God deliver us so we can heal and bind up these wounds. Thank you so, so much, this parent needs your sage advice.
For the past 20 years I put all my energy and focus on raising my kids. I was hyper vigilant about how I could help them have better childhoods and grow up to be healthy. I did some counseling and therapy but even that was all about how do I be a better parent. Now my kids are all grown and every single one of them have childhood trauma they need to heal from. I never hit my kids but my home was the single parent/chaos home. Even with years of counseling I never even thought to work on my inner child. Now we all have more healing to do.
It’s alright. My parents were the same too but I forgive them. They were doing the best they can and that effort was what really mattered to me. I believe your kids feel the same :). I just hope I will do even better than them one day I have my own child.
You are a childhood trauma therapy genius. Seriously, your work is life changing. I have been searching for almost 7 years for exactly what you teach and I’m just so sad that I didn’t have this sooner. I have been doing exactly what you describe in the “my kids are not safe” camp, my husband has been in the “kids have no respect” camp. My 7 year old is autistic (me too I have learned) and has ODD symptoms like my brother, who as an adult continues to have antisocial traits. I am just hoping it is not too late to turn things around. Thank you for everything you do!
I’m so glad this video exists. My mother wasn’t the worst but could’ve been better, and she never seemed to think about for most of the year. But there were certain days that would trigger her to just ball her eyes out and she didn’t want to talk about it. During one of those times I tried to comfort her and she started going off about how she’s a bad mother because I never obey her. The first time she said that it caught me off guard and I didn’t want to make her feel worse, so I denied that. The second time it happened it took everything I had not to tell her all the ways she could’ve been better so I didn’t respond. After that I avoided her during those times. She was a single mother but she had no boundaries or punishments because she would be one of those parents who would’ve beaten me if she wouldn’t go to jail for it. I watched show like Nanny911 and SuperNanny every time they came on. Sometimes I’d watch World’s Strictest Parents. Those shows made me see where my mother was failing because what could’ve been an opportunity to make me understand why my behavior was wrong would instead be me either being ignored for the rest of the day or getting yelled at for a being a spoiled brat. And in her mind the only thing I would respond to was going to be “physical punishment” but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t elicit a better response just because you hit harder. I’ve actually been stubborn enough to put my legs over her lap when we were sitting on a couch and she didn’t hit me hard but she slapped my leg so many times that my skin turned purple. So I don’t know how she thinks beating would’ve been more productive than spanking. Thank you for letting me rant in the comment section. And thank you if you took the time to read all of this, whoever you are.
I’ve always wanted kids but the way I was brought up and how I still am so governed by my parents make me extremely nervous about becoming a parent myself. But I am conscious and want to heal my inner child so I can be a better parent. Thank for these videos.
Thank you for this. I'm raising my grandchild, we are a perfect example of terrible family and it's affect through the generations. I so want to do this right.
thank you for this. i have made a secret strategy to be financially independent from my mom, so that i can cut off my emotional ties to her and my dad and every single family member affiliated to them, once and for all. from now on, my financial strategy is just save up money, listen to headspace and your TH-cam channel when i get triggered, and one day i'm going to be financially stable and independent, i will seek therapy and really work on my childhood trauma, generational trauma and to heal with it slowly
Thank you! I have been so afraid of repeating what my parents do that I’ve avoided relationships and don’t want children. Your videos are helping me to take control and responsibility of my mind and behavior so that I can heal. ❤️
I feel you. For many years I did the same until I left everything behind and took some time for myself to heal. When I took some time I felt lonely but out of that came a lot of beauty and growth, because I felt strong enough to not be afraid. Thanks to God I now have a beautiful family, and although it’s still a work in progress, I am much stronger woman! God bless you and I am sending healing energy your way. I know you will also one day heal and have a beautiful family of your own, when you’re ready 🙏
I use your channel mostly to understand where I passed on generational trauma to my beloved children and how I can re connect with 2 of my 3 children from whom I am currently estranged by their choice or their partners of going no contact with me This thing is generational for sure
My daughter turns 18 in 2 months. I have raised her truly solo - no family, no partner, nothing - for 12 years. I have spent only the last 5 focused on my recovery from my childhood family system. I did not stop the propagation of transgenerational trauma. But I have spent 5 years repairing the trauma I passed on to my daughter. My hope is that by being a healthy presence in her life, I can continue being available to repair with her as the times dictate. And be a resource for her when and if she decides to undertake parenthood. My dad never did this for me and I decided 5 years ago, “here and no further.”
Dear loving parents out there. You are so good even though you think other. As an adult children of Narcissists parents I can't even handle having a niece. Anxiety raise when my sister giving birth to my niece.
The information in this video is pure gold. I had my daughter at 40 because I was scared of being like my mum. Everyday I do my best and therapy is key for me. Thank you for the content.
What I love about your videos is that I can come back when I'm ready. Just had to redirect my angry teenager with autism 6 minutes and 41 seconds into this video. So, tomorrow is a better day for this.
Someday, I hope to be able to finish one of your videos. Right now, they still bring up feelings in me that are too intense to allow me to finish watching. Bookmarking this one to continue when I get there. Thanks for your work!
Same .. I did finish but it was hard. I just hope Ive been good enough as my daughter is 21 now ..but Im still a parent and still learning so much. My biggest flaw is self isolation and being a bit miserabe. ive just made decision and cut off my family... for immediate future. its scary.
About 6 months ago I started apologizing to my son and it's been very effective because I don't want to keep apologizing so it means I have to actually work on the issues (and I do with my therapist). This video is the first time I realized that I'm being triggered causing me to react so strongly though. Oh that friendship one is good! About a month ago I decided this one friendship of mine wasn't healthy for me as it was causing a lot of anxiety that I think was affecting my son too. My friend had a son too who my son was friends with. He's almost 4 so when I realized he kept asking to see his friend I told him that we won't be seeing him. It's not his fault and that mommy didn't feel good around the mom.
Oh my God you’re so right! With my children I often am not the most gentle teacher when it comes to teaching respect for belongings and food items. My children have absolutely zero clue the value of money which is GREAT at their age. Totally age appropriate for them with my oldest being eight. They shouldn’t worry about such things, BUT when they disrespect their belongings or waste food, it is highly triggering for me as a parent because I grew up in extreme poverty. So I find myself resorting to the lecture about “I never had such and such as a child, and there are starving people in the world.” Up hill to school both ways type of stuff ya know? 🤣🥴 That is one of the few things I get triggered about with my kids and lecture them for. I think I am harboring I’ll feelings from having to get a job as a 13-14 year old and work to support my family while still attending school until I became a legal adult at 16. It is obviously not my kids’ fault, and I hadn’t made that connection between my childhood and parenting until just now so I very much appreciate you for that thank you. While I want them to appreciate items, money, and hard work, I am being over the top with it and that will put them on the defensive rather than actually helping them to learn anything.
Im watching this and feeling extremely grateful that I am starting to find a plan on how to not pass on trauma and to control my own emotions and reactions to scenarios that happen to me as a parent. Thank you very much.
I have to pause your videos and cry pretty often, but am so thankful to you for putting them out into the world. I've been struggling with my childhood neglect and abuse for years and didn't know where to turn to do more than just acknowledge it. The world, mine especially, is a better place thanks to you.❤
28:10 " it's always somebody's fault". Oof. This one hit me hard. I only recently learned this lesson. Sometimes there isn't someone to blame. And that's OK.
Your channel is amazing. Thank you for all of this body of work. You're right... many of us are self-healing n self-coaching via YT! It is so hard finding a fitting therapist. I dont want to talk anymore .. i want to do the work. Things like "you need to build boundaries, have self compassion and forgive" are just that. Sayings! Where's How? Where's the dummies play by play guide. Thx again for these vids 🙏🏽🙏🏽
Oh my goodness the prompt at 20:22 I can relate to so much. My mom was a single mom and relied on me, the oldest, as her confidant/support system. She would be mad and pout if we didn’t notice her feeling and often shame us for not thinking of her as kids. The CRAZY thing is she realized prob when I was 10-12 and tried to shift the boundaries and would apologize for over involving me in drama and over sharing but I didn’t understand why things had to change because that was just our dynamic. Like I felt abandoned after that but she also remarried and kinda retreated in general after that so lots to still unpack as I process. I now realize all the damage that was done from all that pressure to be her SO, best friend and perfect child.
Rewatching this 11 months later and it is just as impactful as it was almost a whole year ago. I’ve grown and healed in so many ways but there’s so much healing left to do. Thank you for helping with my healing journey!! Generational trauma and inner healing work is tough so thank you for walking with me and my inner child Patrick ☺️
You dear sir are spot on!! The first thing I started doing was think about how I raised my children and said "Uh Oh!!" But yes I clicked in to learn. And I now watch as an Adult without judging myself! Thank you!
Sir… YOU ARE LITERALLY A GIFT FROM THE HEAVENS!!!! Thank YOU SOOOO much for being you… helping others… sharing ur stories.. speaking with experience and not “preachy book knowledge only” EVERYTHING YOU SAYYYYYY…IS ON POINT!!! I’m 54 watching my 5 kids and 7 grandkids REPEAT THE LIFE I SWOOOOORRRE (at 16 when I had my first child…) to my mother angrily and with soooo much ARROGANCE “I’m having my own baby and I’ll be a Much Better Mom” IM SURE U KNOW THE REST OF THIS STORY! KNOW IM 54… MORE RELAXED.. experienced… and willing to learn…as well as IVE SEEN THE EFFECTS of not being mature/consistent/teaching/boundaries …. MY 25 year old son REFUSES TO ACCEPT MY SAGE RESEARCHED.. theories similar to Andy Stanley…as well as yours… and he SCREAMS .. NO BOUNDARIES… will NOT confront baby mama. Re: soooo much … EVERYONE LETS GRANDDAUGHTER PLAY ON UNMONITORED… uncontrolled full access cell phone…. SINCE SHE WAS 6!!! She’s SUCH A GREAT LOVING SUPRRSMART 9 year old… now chews hair…explosive… no RESPONSIBILITIES… she’s given $… JUST CUZ!!!! I’ve TRIED TO GET HOM TO WATCH KIDS/cell documentary “CHILDHOOD 2.0” I VERY MUCH RECOMMEND WATCHING… my son says “ mom.. I got this”… then an hour later calls me to get child to NOW obey… (cuz we have CONVERSATIONS… “Mary… ur a very smart girl… y do you think dad wants u to hydrate with a 100 degree fever? When she very quickly responds… I tell her I’m sure she will make a good decision…next thing I know… SHE CREATES a “count to 10” while I drink 3x…”….after son just had a Huge screaming match “drink!it” “NO!” With tears anger fight or flight…for hour and half…. But JUST by me TRUSTING HER JUDGEMENT after she confidently states AALL Reasons …. And communicating WORKED!!! But I DIDNT LEARN TILL I TURNED “NANA”. But having SOOOOOO MANY TRIGGERS WITH HER BEHAVIORS…even tho I KNOW it’s a cry for help and understanding from the adults in her world… I’m POWERLESS and my EX(who lives with son and is on oxygen… will SCREAM at me in front of her “STOP TRYING TO MAKE HER LIVE UR SHITTY CHILDHOOD AND GTF out of my house!” If I become emotional when she calls MY SIN.. her dad “UGLY”… LAZY…pretends to “sing “ songs “I CANT WAIT TILL U DIIIIIE” as she puts her dinner plate in sink…. My sister…. OMG!… BEHAVIORS!!! CANNOT BEGIN!!!! And my other sis and I would get BEATEN for her lying on us…. EVEN at 3!!!! She would laugh!!! Granddaughter does SAME!!! Feeels STRONG NEED TO SMASH EVERYONE! I’m so VERY VERY WORRIED! But I HAVE NO POWER!! suggestions?! PLZZZZ U R COMPLTETELY ON POINT!!!!
I come from an extremely dysfunctional family, and I’m terrified to have a child and do anything mentally or emotionally traumatic to them. Thank you for this video 🙏🏼
I have ADHD and a hard time focusing and genuinely I just don’t really like to focus on watching things as much as I would like to like to. I’m fascinated and eager to learn, so this can be frustrating lol….But you captivate me and I just think you are a literal angel and are so kind with the safest of intention when it comes to things we don’t wanna revisit or talk about or really understand because they hurt and they’re dark and we were very alone when we are going through them. Thank you for being here 🌍 and fully in step with your purpose helping people I know it’s not easy and it takes a lot of energy but you help so many people so it must be worth it and you deserve all the good stuff and all the karmic blessings 💖💖💖
Listening to this and looking into our garden I realised, for the forst time; I am spoiling my daughter. She is a doll and I love her to bits but we are giving her nearly everything she wants AND what we think she might like.. In the past I have thought about it but thought "well, toys and playing are good for her developement, so, who cares. Let her play and experience." But hearing you say something about missing out in childhood and then giving it to your child ( sorry I forgot your exact words) it made me suddenly realise what we are both doing.. In my childhood home there was no oxygen, no freedom at all and there was no playfullness, for me this is a huge eye opener.. thank you so much. Now what to do with it..
I feel SO much better after watching this video. I had two parents who were controlling, manipulative, and extremely critical. I am always so, so afraid that I'm doing the wrong thing and hurting my child. I was my parent's "fixer" and also their punching bag (emotionally much more than physically). They were never honest with me until they exploded. I have carried this into adulthood and have completely obsessed over being a better parent. After watching this video, I feel like all of my hard work has paid off. I'm doing all of these things you've suggested and more. The panic and anxiety that I feel over my parenting have completely dissipated after watching this video. Thank you so much for letting me know I'm on the right track and, for the couple of places I can do a lot better, letting me know HOW to do better! I can't even express how relieved I am ***BIG HUGS***!!!!
If only I'd had this raising my son. He is 38 and has 3. He is a great dad! Have no idea except I did my best. He n I were very close and I always tried to listen and let him know he was loved. Only having one was probably best but still hurts. He married a lady who has nothing to do with me. ??? More rejection. I do not blame myself. It hurts a lot. I have no involvement in my grandchildren lives. Her mom is their nanny. Always disconnected. Appreciate your heart, Patrick!🥰
My d.i.l has recently become very aloof to me. My son, her husband, committed suicide and it seems I'm too much of a reminder. Hurts terrifically as I looked after the girls whilst she got her Nursin degree. Now I'm lucky to see them on mum's day or my birthday.
Thank you so much!! This video both gave me some things to continue work on, but also helped me to acknowledge how much work I have done already. I am a good enough parent. 💖
I'm sadden by all the adults who refused to have children because of their childhood experiences. I get it, but I have learned so much more about forgiveness & healing as I parent my child. I have made mistakes throughout but my son knows I love him without condition!!! As I learned to parent thru the crap, I learned the most valuable lesson: my parents really did the best they could & like 95% of parents I know, they never meant to do harm. Mental health support & trauma recovery were not available, without great costs & embarrassment back in the day. They had to suck it up & fake it. I'm grateful for these videos that help me heal!!!
I decided I didn't want to have kids when I was in my teens. At the time the unspoken (or indirectly communicated) narrative was that my parents (especially my mother) had experienced poor parenting, but they were turning it around and being good parents to their children. They myth was that by converting to the Mormon church, which is family oriented, they were becoming good parents, and it made them superior to their (non-Mormon) parents. As I was growing up, I could feel that my family was dysfunctional. I read somewhere as a teen that, even if you vow to not be like your parents, you will inadvertently do so, and one day you will realize to your horror that you are treating your children the same way you were treated. That's when I said nope, not doing it - I will do my kids a favor by not having them and putting them through that. I'm in my 50's now and am comfortable with that decision. I don't think my mother had regrets about her parenting. I think she had no qualms about putting her kids through what she had been through, as a form of revenge. She was too weak and cowardly to take revenge on her mother, so she took out her revenge on her children. I think religion gave her cover of seeming like a decent person. My father was the one who was more into the religion. But he basically spent his time at work and church and left the parenting to her as her domain. His role was to be the enforcer. I don't think he realized the cruelty he was enforcing. So he failed to provide protection as a parent, and in that way he sucked as a parent. But he didn't have the bitterness and sneaky spitefulness that she did.
"She was too weak and cowardly to take revenge on her ______, so she took out her revenge on her children." + absent father and converted mormon self-righteousness. I relate hard with your post. Thanks for sharing.
Your father was supposed to be the leader and protect both his wife and children and a mother is supposed to love nurture be gentle. I'm not surprised the Mormon church would not have that because that church is corrupt beyond your understanding thats why I'm a non denominational Christian. We aren't just supposed to read the word of God were supposed to apply it in our lives and let God change and transform us
Your fathee was the enabler and dismissive, my father did the same even if he wasnt in charge of the physical abuse. It's always like that. If they take revenge on their parents It's elderly abuse so they will transfer it to their own kids. Sometimes when i hear cases of elderly abuse, aduld children taking on their parents, i don't tend to feel a lot of sympathy, somehow i feel those are the ones who took the rage on the right one.
@@Sarablueunicorn Anger is a bitter poison to the heart and body , even rom cruise when he beat up his father he didn't feel too Good about it after he said it wasn't worth it . The best revenge is to live with a pure heart and to live in peace they wanted fear and anger so do the opposite live a peaceful away from them forgive them but never go back . Even Jesus Says the same thing this is nothing new the heavenly father said this too in the old testament but your heart needs to be healed in Jesus name . Emotional spiritual wounds can only be fully completely gone no scars through God
I'm really proud of you. Growing up as a mormon and in a mormon household and you stuck to having no kids? That's impressive. I can't imagine it was easy.
Learning to apologize and take ownership is haaaard. Especially when you never had a model of that in childhood and started learning it while dating. Sidenote: the encourage their perception made me tear up when he was saying what you can say instead.
I really Wish my mother in law would understand English right now. This is one of the best videos I have ever seen in the matter of parenting. Thank you so much.
Excellent video. Neither my brother or I had kids. The insanity stops here! Interesting about being told they really love you. I honestly believed that for many years until my dad told me he didn’t really love me. Hard to accept, hurtful but honest. After that, I could move on.
Thank you so much for all of the great work you are doing. For the first time, things make sense. I feel like I am healing for the first time. I don’t want to pass this toxicity on to my own children. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
!["สนธิ" ห่วงมีขบวนการปกป้อง "ทนายตั้ม" : [THE MESSAGE]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/2GQNp3EoMc0/mqdefault.jpg)
I was making dinner tonight very moody and resentful. My plan was to make dinner and then lie in bed the rest of the evening feeling sorry for myself. I listened to this while cooking and then somehow realized I am the problem and was triggered into my bad mood. I made a great meal, spent the evening with my husband and child, and even got a workout in! I want to be a happy mom!! We sang if you’re happy and you know it and cuddled. Phew!!!
I relate. My mom was very avoidant when I was a child. She just was always in the house, cleaning and feeding but never playing or involved. I'm trying my best to not be like that but I'm having a hard time identifying the balance, when it's just I'm sooo tired I need a rest please guve mommy some time (my son is 6) or I'm being horrible and neglecting my son. I don't know if I'm doing it right
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Aawww I love this!!! ❤️❤️
That was a emotionally intelligent decision w a great outcome for everyone. Win win.
🥲 happy for you, lady. Glad you broke a cycle
Because of my childhood trauma, I was afraid to ask anything of adults or even really to tell them what was going on with me. A few years ago, when my daughter was 5 or 6, we were spending time with some of our friends. One of them is this friend I adore who is a loud guy who would have scared the pants off of me as a kid. He liked to tease my daughter by calling her the wrong name. He pulled me and my husband aside to tell us how amazed and proud he was that our daughter took him to one side and explained to him what her real name is, and that she doesn't appreciate being called the wrong name. I'm SO glad that she felt strong enough to do that, and that despite him being a loud adult, he listened to her, apologized for calling her the wrong name and stopped doing it. 10 minutes later she changed her mind and told him she was fine with the joke. But she really just wanted him to know her boundaries and have them respected. She makes me proud every day that she's a lot more grounded and assertive than I was even in my 20s.
❤️❤️❤️
dang you sound like an amazing parent
@@zenli1407 - Thank you! I often feel like I'm absolutely terrible at it, but every once in a while my kid does something to remind me that maybe I'm not terrible.
I still can’t do this!!! Love and encouragement to you and your family 💖💖💖💖
Same. My two girls are so much more assertive and confident than I was, I hope that means Im doing at least something right.
Describing children as "little narcissistic drunk people" was great, thanks for that
Rain I'm glad you mentioned this point because it reminds me of when I was going to a sports bar that has bands etc as well and a security guard voiced his difficulty in coping with all the drunk people, which is totally understandable.
I stopped drinking many years ago and don't judge the ones who still do, but said to him that it's like dealing with a room full of unruly children!
I googled it and found lists such as ten reasons why drunk people are like children, which was very validating. Lol.
I heard that the man ended up leaving the job and is much happier now, so that's great, especially for his own young children. ☺
I read 20+ parenting books while pregnant with first child. I had intuition that children, even babies, have some innate intelligence and wisdom, and I wanted to be sensitive in parenting so that I could witness and allow room for their innate wisdom, to allow room for them to express at every age who they are and give them opportunity to learn and grow in their own natural ways. I am so glad that I did, I gave them regular routines of care, meals, a structured daily schedule but filled with play, social time with other kids and moms, formal and informal learning at nature trails and exploratory science museum, early Ed sports, outings to local recreation, restaurants, music concerts, etc. I will always be glad I made them my #1 priority and we had this kind of relationship from before they were born. Most cultures define their child age at birth as 1 year old. Even your thoughts and assumptions, and how you treat yourself while pregnant affects your baby. Each one will have different influences unique to them. Each one will have unique personality, way of perceiving and interpreting the world. I think it is kind of cheapening the child's early worldview to call them little narcissists, as that is all they know and they have to go through that stage to differentiate from their mother. Also, children are not drunks, I think that is derogatory towards children. Drinks have dysregulated and infantile behavior bc they seek to escape reality and let go of adult responsibility of even being in control of their feelings, thoughts, and actions. For children this is a normal part of development and is not unreasonable for adults to have to positively cope and help the children learn.
That made me laugh so hard!!
@@annak29I agree that these expressions would be very damaging and unfair if they were used as a serious comparison, or expressed to our children in any capacity, even as a “joke.” That’s part of Patrick’s healthy parenting technique of protecting your children from adult emotions. Using this kind of light-hearted comparison in an adults-only context can really help a miserable or drowning parent to feel validated in the difficulty of raising a child. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with the child. It’s not something that I would say to a friend or family member who has the tendency to demean children’s humanity or treat them like problems. More so to a more adjusted adult who is on the same page about the importance of healthy parenting despite the obstacles.
That being said, I completely respect what you’re saying and can empathize with the mentality that this is an inappropriate comparison. It’s totally OK not to want to use this sort of comparison when referring to children. Just wanted to point out how it helped me and may help other parents who feel frustrated and stuck sometimes!
you're doing god's work here man
👏👏👏😊🥰
I thank God everyday for people like him 🙏
Yeesss!!! ❤️❤️
True
im an atheist but i still agree with this statement
I decided I didn't want kids when I was 17. Let's take into account that, at that age, I believed I had the best, happy, childhood, just felt mentally unstable. Later on, I realized how my family system really was; I knew my parents tried not to repeat their own family dynamics but that's pretty much what they did. I was terrified I'd pass it on unconsciously, so I confirmed I wouldn't be able to handle parenthood. I'm almost 40 and never regretted my decision, but it breaks my heart some of us had to take it.
Same here- never knew what exactly that terrified me, until much later. 41, no children.
There’s still time
I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't have kids until I fixed myself (emotionally and medically) and had money enough to not need help. I'm still broken and broke at 30, but at least I'm not bringing kids into a terrible environment.
I'm with you on that one. 47, no kids and zero regrets. No way am I risking messing up my own kids.
@Shell C. I disagree. I decided way earlier than that but when I was 17 everyone around me no matter their gender was already keen on having children. Obviusly not right at that moment but they saw them in their future and looked for a partner with the same views. There were like two girls who shared my opinion and one dude who just plain hated children. It's very interesting.
I would absolutely LOVE to see a video on toxic grandparents and advice on how to handle that dynamic.
Protect your kids #1. Stand up to the grandparents! I regret every time I bowed.
I would recommend a cut off. If they weren't good parents to you or your significant other then they WILL NOT be good grandparents. They are who they are.
I also think k this video would be really helpful. Has a video about it been made yet?
@appa L I'd be more worried about what narcissistic people would do to my kids rather than worry about if my kids were deprived of an imaginary storybook grandparent experience.
Over here we're not missing a darn thing by cutting off contact with dramatic narcissists. My kids don't know who my mother or their fathers mother is. I do not refer to them as grandmother but by other names. Never grandmother.
I don't want assholes around me, I definitely don't want them around my kids. I protect my kids from ridiculous people.
Cutting off contact with people that only provide stress..... literal stress that makes my body tense and my teeth clench has been a very good thing for our wellbeing.
Look up the words Histrionic and Narcissist. Do you want to continue being around that type of person? Would you offer your child up on a platter to curb their abuse? Cutting contact is simple before kids.
I wonder if what you're actually afraid of is the blowback if you went no contact.
You will see lots of people no respecting your wishes and these are called flying monkeys.
You'll need to be the bravest you've ever been.
Best wishes.
I had to cut off my parents. They don’t have access to my kids especially when my mom threatened abandonment when my daughter was frustrated about not being able to figure out a puzzle. My kids are allowed to feel their feelings.
“Yes, parenting is a huge pain in the ass”. Thank you Patrick 😆
Summed it up perfectly
Currently trying to figure out how to talk to my son and he's 30. He just had his first child and he's so needy again.
@@andreabeasley3287 we all physically grow into adults, but at our heart, are still just scared little kids!
He might be a 30 year old man, and acting out - but you are still his Mama, and that confused, scared little boy inside him, just needs your love, support, and guidance!
He's terrified of parenthood, it's a daunting challenge to a brand new parent - maybe his neediness, is his way of asking you for help, without saying so. 💕
@@tynellesharratt463 very true. He's still my baby . Time and patience. He started therapy yesterday so I hope he stops holding his fear in.
@@andreabeasley3287 might take awhile, but that's an awesome, and courageous first step!
I think too, men find it so much harder to be emotionally vulnerable, and outright asking for help/support, because of the toxic societal "norms", where men are meant to be made of steel, and without feelings, and any form of vulnerability is equated to less masculinity?!
It's ridiculous, but very slowly changing.
Be that change!
Remind him, that no matter what state he comes to you - he is safe, he is loved, and he is supported.
And that everything he feels is valid, and you can stand with him through his storms.
But also, if you can't - be honest with him, you are human too, before being a parent.
Often, just feeling heard, and seen by our parents, can bring great comfort, and open pathways to deeper connection.
Many blessings to you x
I recently realized that being rushed and in chaos is a HUGE trigger for me. I get really irritable. I have a 4 and a 9 year old. I was raised in a toxic family with an immigrant Cluster B invalidating and emotionally volatile mom who parented with fear and shame and a non-protective codependent dad. Not having enough quiet me time is a huge trigger. I just moved out of my mom’s place- I came back home my after my divorce. I can’t let her do this to my girls. I can’t parent effectively when I’m triggered and being mom shamed in front of my children by my own mother. This is just IS NO LONGER AN OPTION. I won’t let her parentify my kids and I won’t be a mess and have them feeling like they have it care for me, like my mother did me. Carl Jung is a genius.
You go!! Good luck and parent the way you believe is best. I know you can do it
I was considering divorce because my husband I think would project his mother on me.. idk but he would always shame me and accuse me of doing something wrong.. he even had the audacity to say I was neglecting our daughter!! When I was caring for her the whole time.. I said this is enough!! But when I started saying no your mom was the one that was neglectful.. things changed quickly.. I was not going to put up with this and also be an emotional mess infront of them
What is a cluster B?
@@AmandaVieiraMamaesouCult Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include *antisocial personality disorder* *borderline personality disorder* *histrionic personality disorder* and *narcissistic personality disorder*
1000% relatable to my core experience(s)…you’re not alone and you’re doing your best!
Thanks for being so gentle.
I know!! My favourite thing about his videos ❤️❤️
I am from Brazil. In our christian/catholic culture recognizing anything bad from our parents is a big no no. Thanks for your videos, they are helpful and healing.
It's the toddler screaming tantrums for me. I get an instant migraine and I'm right in that moment when I was s kid always getting yelled at. Parenting through trauma is tough.
Having my first child was the catalyst for change in my mental health. I should’ve been getting help years before, but recognizing that I was reacting to normal newborn/baby behaviors in a way that I recognized from my own childhood scared the hell out of me.
I’m far from perfect, but I’m SO proud of myself for getting help and working my a** off to break the cycle.
I just find it amazing that people want to be praised for the single fact, and their decision, of being parents.
"I've sacrificed so many dreams for my kids", this actually makes me wanna throw up and then the super mommas tend to attack with "are you a parent?". Honestly, I feel like I'm being a better mother by deciding not to put kids in this world if i dont feel emotionally and financially capable of fully support them, nor resent them for "giving up of my dreams".
Thank you for your contribution to peace on earth.
A child merely confirms virility and successful biological processes-nothing else. No virtue. Not even an orgasm.
Gabore Mate says something like 'the greatest gift you can give your children is your own happiness.'
My dad ducks responsibility for hurting us by saying how much it hurts HIM--look at HIM, and by justifying his past abuse as if we should be grateful he was not more cruel. Guilt tripping foolishness. "I gave up my dreams for ___." Means you value it as much as your dreams, eh? So don't treat your dreams like sh*t. Or they really never valued themselves enough in the first place, and are compensating by guilting innocents. Idiots.
@@shansational1803 Thank you! I completely agree with Dr. Gabor Mate and enjoy listening to his lectures.
I am one of those children whose parents got married because that's what they should do to look good at the eyes of society. They were raised in a rural an poor area (when 80% of country's population lived exactly in same conditions) and my mother immediately got pregnant when my father stated he didn't want kids, as one wasn't enough, she decided to have a secong (hoping that she would have a male that could provide her the love her husband didn't give her and turn my older sister into his slave), the deception of having a 2nd female made her very very angry, 2 useless women.
They worked from from 9am to 8pm and never closed the shop for vacations. We were raised without toys, books (school ones were enough), room furniture..i was just sent into a corner of the room and slept in a foldable bed until i was 15 years old. My clothes were 2nd handed or from street market, even if my parents had money, they wanted to raise us in poverty, because they were jealous that we could have more than what they had.
I developed severe asthma and allergies at the age of 18 months, had a non identified condition that made my limbs easily go out of place causing me excruciating pain, i suffered constant verbal, emotional abuse not to mention the endless beatings at the end of a rageholic mother that used her daughters as human punchbags.
Had my first signs of depression when reached 8th grade, being victim of bullying for 4 years, ofc this issue wasn't addressed besides my weak physical health, i begged to change school. At my 2nd year of college i finally broke down, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, couldnt function anymore...wasn't able to recover. Had several breakdowns and was just trying to keep my head above water, at the age of 30 after a heart break i developed a rare autoimmune disease (myasthenia gravis), not long after more anguish and heartbreak and the suicidal thoughts became active, i was punished by being locked in a mental ward in a 3rd world country where i was living, kicked out to the same sh*thole, broken in all ways, mentally ill, physically ill, no financial stability.
I believe i was set up for failure since the beginning, I remember grasping for air even before i remember walking or talking, i remember the painful rashes and hives all over my body, i remember the pain of my dislocated arms being put back in place...and while enduring so much pain my weak body was still beaten until covered in bruises, so many mean words were thrown at me, screaming, yelling, the few little things that i had like a book or a toy offered by someone were destroyed in front of me, to cause me even more pain.
Meanwhile, while i have a "crazy record" and the "abuse happened long time ago (more than 20 years since i was born) so i should forget and be responsible for how messed up my mind and body is, my parents are 70 and 80 and are healthy and full of will to live. They look fine to the society, they worked and retired and looked great, probably they were just unlucky for having such bad daughters.
OMG YES. My mom always come up with this speech
"I sacrificed my youth abd life for you"
Tgen why in the fuck did you have a child??? I wasn't even an accident, I was a planned child!!! Like... if you didn't want to sacrifice your dreams, why tgen did you do it?
@@Sarablueunicorn so sorry that you went through all of that pain. But on the other hand, you’re a beautiful survivor who is sensitive and understanding. High marks for carrying your cross and not checking out! The best is yet to come! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Excellent point! Thank you for sharing this with us. Your perspective opens up the hurt martyrdom (simp) does. No one asked you to give up your dreams.
I never had kids due to childhood trauma. I knew that I never saw a healthy relationship, and that I would be lost as a parent. As an ACOA, I knew that I didn’t have the tools. Still healing at 42. Thanks for your amazing videos! ☮️
Wow. It's amazing to finally hear someone else who matches my logic
Same here , due to my traumas as a child
Same here
This is very considerate!! All the best to you all!
Every few months, in quiet, peaceful moments, I ask my son, age 5, how I'm doing as a mom. Then I listen to his answers which, when critical, are a list of the things that deeply trigger me. Conversely, when he praises me, those are often the actions and behaviors that address the triggers for myself and bring a sense of healing and comfort both to my child and myself. He knows that he gets to share whatever he wants and will never be criticized or punished. And I get the chance to know what he needs and work on giving that to him, and often, to myself.
Holy crap this is genius and I will start doing this with my 5 year old. Thank you
Yeah that seems very thoughtful and courageous. Way to go.
Wow. What a beautiful, courageous thing to do. The love you have for him shines through. With that amount of love, he will always be in good hands.
Much love and healing to you, what I would have given to have had a mother like you
This is so beautiful 🎉
I remember when growing up, my parents did a lot of the «but what did you do?»-stuff when I had problems with a friend or a teacher. And the first twenty-five years of my life I found that to be a very good thing to say, I even praised them for have done that, since I meant it taught me about owning my own stuff and be more empathetic and so on. But then I suddenly realised it also taught me that my feelings never matter. And even now (at fifty) I get triggered by that when it happens. My feelings are always ‘wrong’, and I get super-mad. I didn’t have kids myself before I was thirty, so I made an effort not to do this to them. (And actually, most of the time my kids were right: their friend really was being unhealthy, or their teacher in fact did a mistake, so I tried to make it a learning moment about how to handle other people doing mistakes or even when to leave a bad friendship.) But it is so funny I grew up thinking this was a smart and healthy thing to do.
the day my mom said that to me, when I was so anxious about sharing my frustration with her, was the day I decided (at age 7 or 8) to NEVER come to her with my worries. I knew she'd just blame me, when it clearly wasn't me. Being misunderstood really triggers me.
Same. It makes me feel so ashamed to have done this to my kids, thinking it was the right way and that my kids would turn out better somehow.
@@throttle4593 if you can, please tell each one of your kids how wrong you were then and how you'll never be that way again and if you are, they are free to call you on it and you'll listen. Age 40 ,I told my mom and she promptly apologized. Too late, but what a gift.
To be fair, they did really help me when it mattered the most, it’s not like they blamed me for being abused or something. I can’t imagine how it must feel to be blamed for causing abuse or bullying. I remember once my mum scolding a teacher over the phone and even threatening him. He never dared touch me again after that and became super kind. So, they weren’t afraid to stand up for us. But in general they really thought it was a good thing to say: «But what did you do?» when we came to them with normal problems.
Same here: The more consistently and automatically our trusted caretaker applies that rule of always "grabbing your own nose" first, the more empathetic and understanding we get for everyone else ...except for ourselves.
I would always see my mom unhappy and depressed and angry at home but she would only be happy around her friends. It always made me feel like she didn't like me
I love this! Thank you. My first child was very strong willed. I remember a time when he was throwing fits and many people told me to spank him with a wooden spoon and I strongly disagreed but I was a single teen mom. I once lost it and said that’s it I’m doing it. I grabbed a wooden fork and my 4 year old looked at me and said ,”What are you going to fork me” we both laughed and just talked it out. He was very smart for a four year old and we just talked through difficult tantrums or I just sat with him through it. That always worked for us. Getting that poor advice from my parents and daycare lady was very sad to me. I couldn’t believe that’s the only advice I got from them was to hit my child.
That advice you for from your parents and daycare lady is the byproduct and evidence of the expression, “kids should be seen and not heard”. So to even consider talking it out to a child is a foreign and unearthly concept. Adults who are disconnected and are in charge of raising kids can be very dangerous to the child’s well-being. I’m hoping that daycare lady doesn’t last long in her profession.
Am going through similar situation but with a young teen in a private school that has ZERO clue how to manage the kids as a whole. I hear nothing but stories about the (all female) teachers yelling at the kids. Day in and day out. I refuse to yell at my daughter, even if she is being stubborn.
Thank you for saying that self care and having a life outside of your children is good parenting. I struggle with that. In my family culture it’s not acceptable esp for the mom.
Your videos mean so much to me. I was diagnosed Cptsd and a dissociative disorder. My mother was my main abuser, and allowed others to abuse me as well. There are many memories I still don’t have access to…Becoming a mother was very triggering by itself. Having my own child, and feeling the love I had for her, was triggering in that I could not comprehend how or why my mother was capable of doing some of the heinous things she did. When my children hit certain ages/reach certain milestones, I’ve been triggered just from the age (i.e. daughter turns 14, which is the same age I was raped by mother’s boyfriend, ended up pregnant, had it beaten out of me). I hope I haven’t crossed a line in sharing - Again, thank you for your videos, I listen to them daily. ❤️
I'm very sorry that happened to you, but it makes me happy there are people like you who work on giving their kids better than they got! I hope that you take the time to feel proud each time you do better!
That lunatic is disgusting for what he did to you, hope you’ve healed from that trauma or at the very least in the process of it.
Dearest Annette, I'm so sorry about how you were abused by family members! I had a horrific tragedy during my childhood that framed so much of my life because of the shame I carried! I am now in recognizing it for what it is and walking through healing! I know often children carry the shame of horrific traumas like this! I did!
I'm sure you'll be a much better mom, and the love you feel for your daughter will motivate even more healing! Just the fact that you recognized the innocence of your daughter, how priceless she is in contrast to your relationship with your mom. She's blessed to have a loving, caring mom like you! 💞
Your mothers boyfriend deserves the death sentence IMO, and your mother failed you in every way. Getting healing for yourself now is the best thing you can do for your child. I always felt that was the biggest thing I could have done to make a difference for the better in my children’s lives, was the years and work I spent in healing my trauma’s of family origin. ❤
My mom didn’t believe her PERVY husband was MOLESTING me either…then when I was 41 she got drunk and spewed that I was going to sleep with her husband!! While beating me senseless in front of my family…yeah…I’m trying to decide if I should remove her from my life…but I know she also had a really bad childhood…so I just try to stay distant…what a mess we can make of our kids …Satan😊 has a blast doesn’t he? Praying for you..much Love ❤️ PS…you sound like a Avery awake and protective mother…good for you
Through the lens of childhood trauma:
1. Apologize & explain your reactions. 15:55
2. Don’t let THEM take CARE of YOU. 17:20
3. Encourage their perception & inner reality compass. 20:48
4. Work on your own life & your own happiness. 24:38
5. Redefine your value system. 27:00
6. Be AWARE & CONSCIOUS about what you are modeling 29:00
Honorable Mention: Providing a ‘Good Enough’ Childhood. 31:00
Thanks
Thank you.
@AliSand - You’re welcome; I take screen shots for a folder of references.
Traumatization is a response to abnormal and abusive circumstances. Traumatized parents traumatize their children.
In adulthood we need to unlearn all the unhealthy behaviors we learned in childhood.
I wish I would have learned this before my daughter was born or at least when she was still young 😞
@@paulinerubin92 you could still apologize for your mistakes and explain what you know better now. If it was very difficult and you don't see each other anymore, you can also write a letter instead of talking about it face-to-face
Chaos and exhaustion and hitting hard… I have a 2 year old and 6 month old. I feel so triggered when baby won’t stop crying I dissociate.
I don’t even have kids. I watch these in ah about how many things I relate to From my childhood
Yo same!
They’re really helpful, and it’s gonna be a lot easier dealing with those issues when we do have kids because we have the preparation instead of figuring it out when the time comes. As Patrick said, it’s really about overcoming our own problems.
Literally same - I’m like wow I got tricks now to use on my nieces and nephews. 😂
My husband and I both come from tough childhoods, and we had our first child in 2020. The pregnancy and infancy stirred up a lot of unresolved issues we have with our families and our pasts, things we thought we had moved past long ago. Thank you for posting this video. It's extremely helpful.
my son and his wife had their first last October. They are having such a hard time now, mostly wanting to be perfect parents and control everything. Not sure which side is more traumatized but she's pretty high anxiety about her childhood. As a first time grandmother I made a mistake and got severely chewed out for it. When I countered I was cancelled. I have been trying to resolve this every since and would sit in a therapist's office with him if he'd let me. Make it all about him from now on if that's what he needs. Haven't seen the baby in 3 months and he insists I get therapy to fix my 'pushiness' before he will even talk to me.
@@cyndimoring9389 He is trying to control everything in the only way he knows how. I pray that you can resolve this. I got a similar treatment. Haven't seen my grandkids in 10 months. We have to be invited and we haven't been.
@@pennyduncan6861 thank you for understanding. I don't think we always 'deserve' this treatment as some younger commenters on these threads assert. I literally feel your pain, although I don't know the details of your 'canceling'. As a young mother it never occurred to me to stand in the way of my kids' relationship with my mom, even though she was a difficult person for me.
@@cyndimoring9389 Hey...I don't have a child or married for that matter. I however watched my cousin, to whom my mom is like a mother since hers is deceased, cut off my mom within a week of her child being born. The child started school last year. She's never been readmitted into his life. I believe it was my mom pushing things on her that caused her to do this.
My supposition is by "pushiness" your son means that they feel that their independence is not respected. I suppose "no" to you feels to them like it's a suggestion. Or maybe not. I know for my mom it was my cuz feeling like my mom felt like she knows it all. Don't do this do that. And anytime she would resist my mom kept insisting, she just couldn't make the decisions as the mom to the child.
Just suggestions. I hope it improves the relationship with your sons family.
If you can ask your son what he wishes you'd have done differently as a parent/ how he wishes home would have been structured when he was young. Hopefully that gives you insight into the kind of home he wants to build. I'd say support him in that vision even if you may not agree with him (as long as it is legal).
Uh
You've no idea how timely this is, Patrick I found out last week that my little brother's wife is pregnant for the 1st time. I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm triggered! I don't want history to repeat. I'm crying, but I'm watching this until the end.
If you’ve created the space for such conversations maybe you can show them this video, they might appreciate it.
@@stefaniadjelebova Thanks for the suggestion. Sadly, I think things would have to get rough for him BEFORE he'd watch it! For now I've stashed it in my saved items.
they are on their journey now. All you can do is be their friend.
I'm going to have my first child next week. Been watching your videos to help me be the best parent I can ❤
Relax and accept that you won't be perfect. Congratulations! Being a mother has been my favorite thing!
I wish there had been resources like this when my first was born, 25 years ago. I didn't even use home internet yet. Hard to imagine what life was like back then, and how we got along without it. Best of luck to you!
Congratulations! ❤ You sound like a great mom🥰
I'm 61,only recently found the reasons I am this way and still experience it daily. My kids are adults and I have already messed them up.😢
I personally don't have any children, but I am in my early 20s working in child care as a childhood trauma survivor and your points hit me so on point in this video. I do try to be a good model and show emotion and kindness with the kids, but when it comes to conflict it gets really difficult for me. Thank you for this video, I think it'll be really helpful for me to be a better caregiver while I am still in this position, I hope to follow my own dreams once I finish moving in the next month.
Eyyy you are an amazing person
Tip number one? I heard about when my kid was very young and I’ve been consistent with it and you know what? He straight up tells me what’s upset him any time he’s sad now, whether it had anything to do with me or not. So so thankful he feels free enough to do that!
Holy heck, no wonder our world is so effed up.
This sheds light on so many things.
Again, thank you so much. I am 75. My daughter is 45. And we have had our ups and downs. !!!!!!!
It is very painful to listen to everything you say, but at the same time of course it is very truthful and healing.
So there’s no way I can change the past, but who knows what can happen in the present that can be very good. Thank you for all that you do.
I definitely needed this video. I am in process of healing my inner child but I do worry this long journey ahead of me may take too long and I feel guilty as a young parent.
❤️
How lucky would we have been if our parents had worked on themselves like that? ❤
How lucky you are to realize you have an inner child. It was too late for me.
@@xatz8527 I love that 😊 thank you for finding the best silver lining!
@@mirafiori1990 aww much appreciated thank you!
I became an adult who was “blunted”. I had little emotions or feelings. I had no self. Having my firs5 daughter taught me what love was....and I loved my three girls so much and tried so hard as a single mom to do what I knew. Truly they were the best years of my life I loved raising my kids. But wow I knew little other than reading Dr Sears books! It took 20 years and counseling to really have a strong self..... and 13 of the last years of ongoing work finessing. To have to face not being the best parent I could and should have been honestly and apologize to your adult kids is the hardest thing. I wanted to be perfect so bad. I went to counseling and read books and tried to do the opposite of what happened to me. But I wasn’t perfect. I regret so much and most of all was just seeing their sad faces when I said stupid things. There was no internet or metoo and limited resources. I will spend the rest of my life working on being the best parent I can be and respecting my adult kids. And watching my own triggers. It’s amazing to see my daughters having skills that took me 30 years of adult work in their 20’s! Everything Patrick says is always so spot on. Self acknowledgement and care. Patrick has really helped me on my journey!
Wow. Jung was right about the impact of the parents unlived life on the child. Their disappointments and unrealized dreams and frustrated aspirations were my constant companion. Sometimes they still are.
Powerful. Will need to watch this 8000 times.
This was awesome! I feel I need a whole series just on “typical things a child does at each age that will trigger you, and how to deal with it in a healthy way instead” but give skits like you did here.
Wish I'd heard ALL of this when my kids were small. I was totally overwhelmed, 24/7, for years.
Same here! What I would give to do it over again.
Same...they're still young now but I wish I could redo the last 2-3 years with the awareness that I have childhood trauma i would manage myself so much differently
I’m having a good healing day. Thanks for being there Patrick
Would love to see that “whole different video” about struggling with holding onto a relationship with grandparents 😬 if there’s quite a bit of toxicity
why you have to holding on to this relationship?
Yes I need this video too please
"Adults terrified me".
I can relate to this...i used to approach all adults scared and terrified because my guardians' abuse
I hear you referencing "having small children" most often as being triggering but I'd like to add having children of any age who have disabilities. I have an Autistic teen who is like having a giant toddler at times, and I'm getting triggered all the time. I definitley never have gotten to leave that exhaustion and loss of self trigger. Please don't leave people like us out, because we often don't even get to feel that our children are truly moving to the next "developmentally appropriate" stages. Particularly when you have a grown child who is still physically acting out/ physically agressive and not able to use words and you are a parent with a traumatic childhood history, this is very hard. Other than that, I really like your style and you are a very effective communicator. Thank you.
My son is 19. He’s like a 4 year old. It’s very triggering for me because it brings back k memories of how I was treated by my parents when I wasn’t good enough. I keep thinking back how would they have treated my son. My mother used to hit me if I repeated a multiplication problem. My son repeats everything all day. It’s like reliving what they did. I am not like them I can’t be lol ged beat me up.
Extend that to having adult kids who did grow- up to have issues and you have to sort- out accepting your own responsibility while simultaneously healing your own inner child without feeling triggered and acting- out.
That's a very good point. My preteen son has severe ADHD, and this is a huge trigger for my ex-husband. He doesn't see it, but I do and I gently try to encourage self-reflection. He sees himself in our son and then ends up treating him the way he was treated by his father.
I have a 5-year old autistic non-verbal son. I worry about his future all the time. I feel like I don't have the energy, knowledge, or resources to help him, so he'll end up like me with no parental guidance or support. I'm actually good at verbally communicating and explaining complex things to others, and when i mess up or blow up on my kid, i do sit down and try to explain why to my son, but i feel like this doesn't apply to him because i have no idea how much he can understand of what I'm saying. So he can't understand what i need him to do or listen to me, and not having my needs understood or listened to are major triggers for me. It's like no matter what both me and my son will always be silenced.
Beautiful thing you are doing here. I'm so sad that I didn't know any of this when I was a young mum 30 years ago. My cptsd affected him, and I'm estranged from my boy. The weight of it, is the most terrible burden. I just thank god , this community can stop the trauma continuing through generations.
Look at us go you guys!!! We are learning and acting on bettering ourselves! This is so exciting for me!
Wow this is the story of my childhood
Just hearing the first 30 seconds of this has triggered so much intense anxiety in me. I had to take medication. But I forced myself through it to be sure I did it. Then realized I do this already myself! Been breaking these generational issues to be sure my son doesn’t deal with what I did/do… it has to end.
I'm not a parent but this called me out good with how i deal with my relationships. thank you my adult self needs to be a better parent
I’m a healthy parents because my parents weren’t - my trauma was a genuine gift because of this.
It really is too bad we find ourselves existing within such a sh** hole hell. Glad it's finally coming to its end.
🌟You have brought out so many encouraging practical points, great work!💖
This past year I've spent my parenting time being massively triggered, because my three children are now in the major ages where I experienced most of my childhood trauma.... It's been super fun. I'm so grateful for your videos!
Holy wow. Answered questions i never had but need to ask. Im all 33, not sure about endeavoring dating for marriage/property/children and shit, but very sure that he just nailed every uncertainty i had growing up, and beyonnnnnd.
Great video, just closed my gaping mouth.
I'm glad to have found your channel. I'm trying to figure out to get away from my toxic "parents". Educating myself of the BS that these A-holes have caused.
Such great content, you are so helpful. I never had children, I grew up in the 80's and I feel it will take the rest of my life to undo the trauma from that toxic family. I felt I did society a favor not getting married and have kids because I simply do not have the tools to lead a healthy household. I refuse to become my parents. That's just me, I'm glad you came out of your situation and became an incredible therapist. Your work and approach really helps, it's as though someone finally gets it. Thank you.
Me too!!!
I made a conscious decision to not have kids while my mother was still alive. I didn't trust her anywhere near a vulnerable psyche, and knew she would be invasive and demanding and manipulative regarding her grandchildren. I ended up never having kids, and don't regret it.
I read 20+ parenting books while pregnant with first child. I had intuition that children, even babies, have some innate intelligence and wisdom, and I wanted to be sensitive in parenting so that I could witness and allow room for their innate wisdom, to allow room for them to express at every age who they are and give them opportunity to learn and grow in their own natural ways. I am so glad that I did, I gave them regular routines of care, meals, a structured daily schedule but filled with play, social play time with other kids and moms, formal and informal learning at nature trails and exploratory science museum, early Ed sports, outings to local recreation, restaurants, music concerts, etc. They gravitated toward their own preferred constructive purposeful activities in play, and that motivated them toward self-regulation and organized their mind and body. I will always be glad I made them my #1 priority and we had this kind of relationship from before they were born. Most cultures define their child age at birth as 1 year old. Even your thoughts and assumptions, and how you treat yourself while pregnant affects your baby. Each one will have different influences unique to them. Each one will have unique personality, way of perceiving and interpreting the world. I think it is kind of cheapening the child's early worldview to call them little narcissists, as that is all they know and they have to go through that stage to differentiate from their mother. Also, children are not drunks, I think that is derogatory towards children. Drunks have dysregulated selfish hedonistic behavior bc they seek to escape reality and let go of adult responsibility of even being in control of their feelings, thoughts, and actions. For children this is a normal part of development, but many kids didn't get this opportunity to learn self-regulation, and is expected for adults to have to positively cope and help the children learn how to self-regulated.
I'm glad this video came up again. I watched it a little while back. I recently let a therapist go because she was telling me to "create a homework list of specific values [I'd] like to have with my [soon-to-be-born] child" and to "stop focusing on negative things from my own childhood." She also shamed me that my no-contact with my VERY abusive parents would be detrimental to my unborn child because "children need grandparents more than [I] need to be away from uncomfortable differences in political opinions with my parents" (as if THAT is what triggers me about my parents...). I was particularly frustrated because I have tried MANY therapists since my initial C-PTSD diagnosis, and this one specifially assured me that she was well-versed in childhood trauma. I'm so exhausted from having to spend thousands of dollars to vet invalidating after not-good-enough after incompetent therapist. At LEAST I have the channel (and I'm joining the online healing community!).
Or not. For some reason my card flagged the subscription fee (I've never experienced this with this card) and sent me a "potential fraud alert" text, and when I tried to re-enter it I got an alert that there are no longer spots available. This is so typical of my journey to find decent therapy advice. (Can you tell I"m catastrophizing?) What an absolute, stressful bummer. Maybe I can use it as an opportunity to cultivate resilience! I'm glad the course is so popular and so many people are getting help.
I don’t even have kids & found this so insightful; thank you so much.
"When the student is ready the Teacher will appear" thank you so much for sharing your gifts with humanity. I was so triggered yesterday and had an OTT reaction which I immediately owned, apologised for 😢 and put right. Lone parent, escaped abusive husband and toxic surviving family via a women's refuge but being dragged through the judicial system by them BECAUSE I got out! If it wasn't for the Lord, they'd have danced on my grave and turned the little ones to destruction. Oh God deliver us so we can heal and bind up these wounds. Thank you so, so much, this parent needs your sage advice.
For the past 20 years I put all my energy and focus on raising my kids. I was hyper vigilant about how I could help them have better childhoods and grow up to be healthy. I did some counseling and therapy but even that was all about how do I be a better parent. Now my kids are all grown and every single one of them have childhood trauma they need to heal from. I never hit my kids but my home was the single parent/chaos home. Even with years of counseling I never even thought to work on my inner child. Now we all have more healing to do.
It’s alright. My parents were the same too but I forgive them. They were doing the best they can and that effort was what really mattered to me. I believe your kids feel the same :). I just hope I will do even better than them one day I have my own child.
You are a childhood trauma therapy genius. Seriously, your work is life changing. I have been searching for almost 7 years for exactly what you teach and I’m just so sad that I didn’t have this sooner. I have been doing exactly what you describe in the “my kids are not safe” camp, my husband has been in the “kids have no respect” camp. My 7 year old is autistic (me too I have learned) and has ODD symptoms like my brother, who as an adult continues to have antisocial traits. I am just hoping it is not too late to turn things around. Thank you for everything you do!
It's never too late. 💜 Two channels that have helped me are Purple Ella (they/them) - they are autistic and have ADHD - and How to ADHD. 🍀🥄💕
I’m so glad this video exists. My mother wasn’t the worst but could’ve been better, and she never seemed to think about for most of the year. But there were certain days that would trigger her to just ball her eyes out and she didn’t want to talk about it. During one of those times I tried to comfort her and she started going off about how she’s a bad mother because I never obey her. The first time she said that it caught me off guard and I didn’t want to make her feel worse, so I denied that. The second time it happened it took everything I had not to tell her all the ways she could’ve been better so I didn’t respond. After that I avoided her during those times. She was a single mother but she had no boundaries or punishments because she would be one of those parents who would’ve beaten me if she wouldn’t go to jail for it. I watched show like Nanny911 and SuperNanny every time they came on. Sometimes I’d watch World’s Strictest Parents. Those shows made me see where my mother was failing because what could’ve been an opportunity to make me understand why my behavior was wrong would instead be me either being ignored for the rest of the day or getting yelled at for a being a spoiled brat. And in her mind the only thing I would respond to was going to be “physical punishment” but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t elicit a better response just because you hit harder. I’ve actually been stubborn enough to put my legs over her lap when we were sitting on a couch and she didn’t hit me hard but she slapped my leg so many times that my skin turned purple. So I don’t know how she thinks beating would’ve been more productive than spanking. Thank you for letting me rant in the comment section. And thank you if you took the time to read all of this, whoever you are.
I’ve always wanted kids but the way I was brought up and how I still am so governed by my parents make me extremely nervous about becoming a parent myself. But I am
conscious and want to heal my inner child so I can be a better parent. Thank for these videos.
Thank you for this. I'm raising my grandchild, we are a perfect example of terrible family and it's affect through the generations. I so want to do this right.
thank you for this. i have made a secret strategy to be financially independent from my mom, so that i can cut off my emotional ties to her and my dad and every single family member affiliated to them, once and for all. from now on, my financial strategy is just save up money, listen to headspace and your TH-cam channel when i get triggered, and one day i'm going to be financially stable and independent, i will seek therapy and really work on my childhood trauma, generational trauma and to heal with it slowly
Thank you! I have been so afraid of repeating what my parents do that I’ve avoided relationships and don’t want children. Your videos are helping me to take control and responsibility of my mind and behavior so that I can heal. ❤️
I'm the same way.
Same!!
I feel you. For many years I did the same until I left everything behind and took some time for myself to heal. When I took some time I felt lonely but out of that came a lot of beauty and growth, because I felt strong enough to not be afraid.
Thanks to God I now have a beautiful family, and although it’s still a work in progress, I am much stronger woman!
God bless you and I am sending healing energy your way. I know you will also one day heal and have a beautiful family of your own, when you’re ready 🙏
Yo saaaame!
@@lilyt.7614 Thank you! What you said is very encouraging to me, I am in the process of preparing to leave and I'm wary of the future. God bless you
I use your channel mostly to understand where I passed on generational trauma to my beloved children and how I can re connect with 2 of my 3 children from whom I am currently estranged by their choice or their partners of going no contact with me
This thing is generational for sure
My daughter turns 18 in 2 months. I have raised her truly solo - no family, no partner, nothing - for 12 years. I have spent only the last 5 focused on my recovery from my childhood family system. I did not stop the propagation of transgenerational trauma. But I have spent 5 years repairing the trauma I passed on to my daughter.
My hope is that by being a healthy presence in her life, I can continue being available to repair with her as the times dictate. And be a resource for her when and if she decides to undertake parenthood. My dad never did this for me and I decided 5 years ago, “here and no further.”
Dear loving parents out there. You are so good even though you think other. As an adult children of Narcissists parents I can't even handle having a niece. Anxiety raise when my sister giving birth to my niece.
The information in this video is pure gold.
I had my daughter at 40 because I was scared of being like my mum. Everyday I do my best and therapy is key for me.
Thank you for the content.
What I love about your videos is that I can come back when I'm ready. Just had to redirect my angry teenager with autism 6 minutes and 41 seconds into this video. So, tomorrow is a better day for this.
Someday, I hope to be able to finish one of your videos. Right now, they still bring up feelings in me that are too intense to allow me to finish watching. Bookmarking this one to continue when I get there. Thanks for your work!
Same .. I did finish but it was hard. I just hope Ive been good enough as my daughter is 21 now ..but Im still a parent and still learning so much. My biggest flaw is self isolation and being a bit miserabe. ive just made decision and cut off my family... for immediate future. its scary.
About 6 months ago I started apologizing to my son and it's been very effective because I don't want to keep apologizing so it means I have to actually work on the issues (and I do with my therapist). This video is the first time I realized that I'm being triggered causing me to react so strongly though.
Oh that friendship one is good! About a month ago I decided this one friendship of mine wasn't healthy for me as it was causing a lot of anxiety that I think was affecting my son too. My friend had a son too who my son was friends with. He's almost 4 so when I realized he kept asking to see his friend I told him that we won't be seeing him. It's not his fault and that mommy didn't feel good around the mom.
Oh my God you’re so right! With my children I often am not the most gentle teacher when it comes to teaching respect for belongings and food items. My children have absolutely zero clue the value of money which is GREAT at their age. Totally age appropriate for them with my oldest being eight. They shouldn’t worry about such things, BUT when they disrespect their belongings or waste food, it is highly triggering for me as a parent because I grew up in extreme poverty. So I find myself resorting to the lecture about “I never had such and such as a child, and there are starving people in the world.” Up hill to school both ways type of stuff ya know? 🤣🥴 That is one of the few things I get triggered about with my kids and lecture them for. I think I am harboring I’ll feelings from having to get a job as a 13-14 year old and work to support my family while still attending school until I became a legal adult at 16. It is obviously not my kids’ fault, and I hadn’t made that connection between my childhood and parenting until just now so I very much appreciate you for that thank you. While I want them to appreciate items, money, and hard work, I am being over the top with it and that will put them on the defensive rather than actually helping them to learn anything.
Im watching this and feeling extremely grateful that I am starting to find a plan on how to not pass on trauma and to control my own emotions and reactions to scenarios that happen to me as a parent. Thank you very much.
Omg. This resonated with me on a deep level. Thank you!
I have to pause your videos and cry pretty often, but am so thankful to you for putting them out into the world. I've been struggling with my childhood neglect and abuse for years and didn't know where to turn to do more than just acknowledge it. The world, mine especially, is a better place thanks to you.❤
28:10 " it's always somebody's fault". Oof. This one hit me hard. I only recently learned this lesson. Sometimes there isn't someone to blame. And that's OK.
Your channel is amazing. Thank you for all of this body of work. You're right... many of us are self-healing n self-coaching via YT! It is so hard finding a fitting therapist. I dont want to talk anymore .. i want to do the work. Things like "you need to build boundaries, have self compassion and forgive" are just that. Sayings! Where's How? Where's the dummies play by play guide. Thx again for these vids 🙏🏽🙏🏽
Oh my goodness the prompt at 20:22 I can relate to so much. My mom was a single mom and relied on me, the oldest, as her confidant/support system. She would be mad and pout if we didn’t notice her feeling and often shame us for not thinking of her as kids.
The CRAZY thing is she realized prob when I was 10-12 and tried to shift the boundaries and would apologize for over involving me in drama and over sharing but I didn’t understand why things had to change because that was just our dynamic. Like I felt abandoned after that but she also remarried and kinda retreated in general after that so lots to still unpack as I process.
I now realize all the damage that was done from all that pressure to be her SO, best friend and perfect child.
Rewatching this 11 months later and it is just as impactful as it was almost a whole year ago. I’ve grown and healed in so many ways but there’s so much healing left to do. Thank you for helping with my healing journey!! Generational trauma and inner healing work is tough so thank you for walking with me and my inner child Patrick ☺️
You dear sir are spot on!! The first thing I started doing was think about how I raised my children and said "Uh Oh!!" But yes I clicked in to learn. And I now watch as an Adult without judging myself! Thank you!
Sir… YOU ARE LITERALLY A GIFT FROM THE HEAVENS!!!! Thank YOU SOOOO much for being you… helping others… sharing ur stories.. speaking with experience and not “preachy book knowledge only”
EVERYTHING YOU SAYYYYYY…IS ON POINT!!! I’m 54 watching my 5 kids and 7 grandkids REPEAT THE LIFE I SWOOOOORRRE (at 16 when I had my first child…) to my mother angrily and with soooo much ARROGANCE “I’m having my own baby and I’ll be a Much Better Mom”
IM SURE U KNOW THE REST OF THIS STORY!
KNOW IM 54… MORE RELAXED.. experienced… and willing to learn…as well as IVE SEEN THE EFFECTS of not being mature/consistent/teaching/boundaries …. MY 25 year old son REFUSES TO ACCEPT MY SAGE
RESEARCHED.. theories similar to Andy Stanley…as well as yours… and he SCREAMS .. NO BOUNDARIES… will NOT confront baby mama. Re: soooo much … EVERYONE LETS GRANDDAUGHTER PLAY ON UNMONITORED… uncontrolled full access cell phone…. SINCE SHE WAS 6!!! She’s SUCH A GREAT LOVING SUPRRSMART 9 year old… now chews hair…explosive… no RESPONSIBILITIES… she’s given $… JUST CUZ!!!!
I’ve TRIED TO GET HOM TO WATCH KIDS/cell documentary “CHILDHOOD 2.0”
I VERY MUCH RECOMMEND WATCHING… my son says “ mom.. I got this”… then an hour later calls me to get child to NOW obey… (cuz we have CONVERSATIONS… “Mary… ur a very smart girl… y do you think dad wants u to hydrate with a 100 degree fever?
When she very quickly responds… I tell her I’m sure she will make a good decision…next thing I know… SHE CREATES a “count to 10” while I drink 3x…”….after son just had a Huge screaming match “drink!it” “NO!” With tears anger fight or flight…for hour and half…. But JUST by me TRUSTING HER JUDGEMENT after she confidently states AALL Reasons …. And communicating WORKED!!!
But I DIDNT LEARN TILL I TURNED “NANA”. But having SOOOOOO MANY TRIGGERS WITH HER BEHAVIORS…even tho I KNOW it’s a cry for help and understanding from the adults in her world… I’m POWERLESS and my EX(who lives with son and is on oxygen… will SCREAM at me in front of her “STOP TRYING TO MAKE HER LIVE UR SHITTY CHILDHOOD AND GTF out of my house!”
If I become emotional when she calls MY SIN.. her dad “UGLY”… LAZY…pretends to “sing “ songs “I CANT WAIT TILL U DIIIIIE” as she puts her dinner plate in sink….
My sister…. OMG!… BEHAVIORS!!! CANNOT BEGIN!!!! And my other sis and I would get BEATEN for her lying on us…. EVEN at 3!!!! She would laugh!!!
Granddaughter does SAME!!!
Feeels STRONG NEED TO SMASH EVERYONE!
I’m so VERY VERY WORRIED!
But I HAVE NO POWER!! suggestions?!
PLZZZZ
U R COMPLTETELY ON POINT!!!!
I come from an extremely dysfunctional family, and I’m terrified to have a child and do anything mentally or emotionally traumatic to them. Thank you for this video 🙏🏼
I have ADHD and a hard time focusing and genuinely I just don’t really like to focus on watching things as much as I would like to like to. I’m fascinated and eager to learn, so this can be frustrating lol….But you captivate me and I just think you are a literal angel and are so kind with the safest of intention when it comes to things we don’t wanna revisit or talk about or really understand because they hurt and they’re dark and we were very alone when we are going through them. Thank you for being here 🌍 and fully in step with your purpose helping people I know it’s not easy and it takes a lot of energy but you help so many people so it must be worth it and you deserve all the good stuff and all the karmic blessings 💖💖💖
Listening to this and looking into our garden I realised, for the forst time; I am spoiling my daughter. She is a doll and I love her to bits but we are giving her nearly everything she wants AND what we think she might like.. In the past I have thought about it but thought "well, toys and playing are good for her developement, so, who cares. Let her play and experience." But hearing you say something about missing out in childhood and then giving it to your child ( sorry I forgot your exact words) it made me suddenly realise what we are both doing.. In my childhood home there was no oxygen, no freedom at all and there was no playfullness, for me this is a huge eye opener.. thank you so much. Now what to do with it..
I feel SO much better after watching this video. I had two parents who were controlling, manipulative, and extremely critical. I am always so, so afraid that I'm doing the wrong thing and hurting my child. I was my parent's "fixer" and also their punching bag (emotionally much more than physically). They were never honest with me until they exploded. I have carried this into adulthood and have completely obsessed over being a better parent. After watching this video, I feel like all of my hard work has paid off. I'm doing all of these things you've suggested and more. The panic and anxiety that I feel over my parenting have completely dissipated after watching this video. Thank you so much for letting me know I'm on the right track and, for the couple of places I can do a lot better, letting me know HOW to do better! I can't even express how relieved I am ***BIG HUGS***!!!!
I can't believe I found you with all this wonderful content! Thanks so much!
If only I'd had this raising my son. He is 38 and has 3. He is a great dad! Have no idea except I did my best. He n I were very close and I always tried to listen and let him know he was loved. Only having one was probably best but still hurts. He married a lady who has nothing to do with me. ??? More rejection. I do not blame myself. It hurts a lot. I have no involvement in my grandchildren lives. Her mom is their nanny. Always disconnected.
Appreciate your heart, Patrick!🥰
My d.i.l has recently become very aloof to me. My son, her husband, committed suicide and it seems I'm too much of a reminder. Hurts terrifically as I looked after the girls whilst she got her Nursin degree. Now I'm lucky to see them on mum's day or my birthday.
@linda sharp I'm so sorry! You have had great loss and this adds to your hurt. I pray for your heart to be healed. 🙏🤗
How different the world would be now if our grandparents had access to quality therapy like we do. Thank you.
Brilliant! I am new to this channel, and I am binge watching...OMG...you are amazing and a gifted teacher!
Yeah, this is the only video from him that I have seen so far, but his advice is precious
Thank you so much!! This video both gave me some things to continue work on, but also helped me to acknowledge how much work I have done already. I am a good enough parent. 💖
I'm sadden by all the adults who refused to have children because of their childhood experiences. I get it, but I have learned so much more about forgiveness & healing as I parent my child. I have made mistakes throughout but my son knows I love him without condition!!! As I learned to parent thru the crap, I learned the most valuable lesson: my parents really did the best they could & like 95% of parents I know, they never meant to do harm. Mental health support & trauma recovery were not available, without great costs & embarrassment back in the day. They had to suck it up & fake it. I'm grateful for these videos that help me heal!!!
thank you patrick!!
I'd love to hear more about "It's not my fault" issue! :)
I don’t have any kids but this is going to help me be a better friend.
I decided I didn't want to have kids when I was in my teens. At the time the unspoken (or indirectly communicated) narrative was that my parents (especially my mother) had experienced poor parenting, but they were turning it around and being good parents to their children. They myth was that by converting to the Mormon church, which is family oriented, they were becoming good parents, and it made them superior to their (non-Mormon) parents. As I was growing up, I could feel that my family was dysfunctional. I read somewhere as a teen that, even if you vow to not be like your parents, you will inadvertently do so, and one day you will realize to your horror that you are treating your children the same way you were treated. That's when I said nope, not doing it - I will do my kids a favor by not having them and putting them through that. I'm in my 50's now and am comfortable with that decision.
I don't think my mother had regrets about her parenting. I think she had no qualms about putting her kids through what she had been through, as a form of revenge. She was too weak and cowardly to take revenge on her mother, so she took out her revenge on her children. I think religion gave her cover of seeming like a decent person. My father was the one who was more into the religion. But he basically spent his time at work and church and left the parenting to her as her domain. His role was to be the enforcer. I don't think he realized the cruelty he was enforcing. So he failed to provide protection as a parent, and in that way he sucked as a parent. But he didn't have the bitterness and sneaky spitefulness that she did.
"She was too weak and cowardly to take revenge on her ______, so she took out her revenge on her children." + absent father and converted mormon self-righteousness. I relate hard with your post. Thanks for sharing.
Your father was supposed to be the leader and protect both his wife and children and a mother is supposed to love nurture be gentle. I'm not surprised the Mormon church would not have that because that church is corrupt beyond your understanding thats why I'm a non denominational Christian. We aren't just supposed to read the word of God were supposed to apply it in our lives and let God change and transform us
Your fathee was the enabler and dismissive, my father did the same even if he wasnt in charge of the physical abuse.
It's always like that. If they take revenge on their parents It's elderly abuse so they will transfer it to their own kids.
Sometimes when i hear cases of elderly abuse, aduld children taking on their parents, i don't tend to feel a lot of sympathy, somehow i feel those are the ones who took the rage on the right one.
@@Sarablueunicorn Anger is a bitter poison to the heart and body , even rom cruise when he beat up his father he didn't feel too Good about it after he said it wasn't worth it . The best revenge is to live with a pure heart and to live in peace they wanted fear and anger so do the opposite live a peaceful away from them forgive them but never go back . Even Jesus Says the same thing this is nothing new the heavenly father said this too in the old testament but your heart needs to be healed in Jesus name . Emotional spiritual wounds can only be fully completely gone no scars through God
I'm really proud of you. Growing up as a mormon and in a mormon household and you stuck to having no kids? That's impressive. I can't imagine it was easy.
Learning to apologize and take ownership is haaaard. Especially when you never had a model of that in childhood and started learning it while dating.
Sidenote: the encourage their perception made me tear up when he was saying what you can say instead.
I really Wish my mother in law would understand English right now. This is one of the best videos I have ever seen in the matter of parenting. Thank you so much.
Yes, I also had that thought! I'd love to send it to my mother.
I’m a parent of three and your TH-cam channel is such a blessing to me and my healing inner child ❤️❤️❤️
Excellent video. Neither my brother or I had kids. The insanity stops here! Interesting about being told they really love you. I honestly believed that for many years until my dad told me he didn’t really love me. Hard to accept, hurtful but honest. After that, I could move on.
Thank you so much for all of the great work you are doing. For the first time, things make sense. I feel like I am healing for the first time. I don’t want to pass this toxicity on to my own children. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.