Honestly life changing practices - as a fellow social worker, I am so appreciative of this free content that you put out! So many individuals can’t afford therapy or live in rural areas where there is a deficit of available services. Incredibly grateful for your work!
Well Said, and I second that, we live in the information age, that's not news, but everyone has a right to know how to identify why we sense things are off. This information is potentially life saving!!
Patrick Teahan has definitely the best content related to childhood trauma. It's like he personally observed our all childhoods, personally knows our parents, even our therapists.
@@luisapaza317 some childhood trauma youtubers love to peddle diet advice, either with a sponsorship from someone else's product or creating their own even if they're not certified in diet and eating disorder advice. It's sad and triggering if you've struggled with an eating disorder :(
This therapist really seems to address childhood trauma more effectively than I've really seen or experienced around. Extremely helpful and thought provoking.
2022 was “the year” for me. I fired the 5 closest people to me because they were all toxic abusers. I’m still shell shocked and feeling overwhelmed about starting a new life at 47. But more and more every day, I know in my bones it’s the right thing to do. I’m not anywhere close to being healed yet, but I’ve been doing enough inner work now, off and on for about 13 years, to know that I CAN’T go back to being the family punching bag any more. Once you get out of the toxic cloud of their lies and see some truth, you can’t unsee it. I realized that I would put “me” away in order to spend time with my family, and I’d put on a different “me” to please them. I simply can’t fit into those old clothes any more. I can’t and I won’t, and this boundary provokes their abuse. So…here I am. Totally alone, sometimes terrified, sometimes gleefully thinking that I’m getting away with finally pulling it off!! 😊❤
Yep, I do feel you, same here, quite disconcerned from even seeing around as I don't trust at a people now, and even feel disgust toward everyone..as my alert is so dilated that everyone comes like a trigger, which I avoid by widrawing and self-isolating. There is for sure a better place where to be in our healing journey, that is the destination we are looking for. So, my advice to us both is to do not forget it is a JOURNEY, so lets avoid to stay stuck in the muds, sinking in ponds of self commiseration for the bad done to us..lets keep moving, lets go on!! A huge hug to you, you are not alone on this healing path, and we just crossed each other right n😅w 👋🏻👋🏼👋🏻🫂💕💕💕
Tina Turner started over from scratch with nothing but the shirt on her back and her name….at exactly the age of 47. Just some encouragement for you! I’m 42 and had to do the same, so she is my role model.
For me, it wasn't that I didn't trust myself or didn't see the red-flag behavior, but I had this subconscious belief that if I felt disgust when around someone or that something was off about them, that that meant that there must be something wrong with me! I believed it meant that _I_ was a bad and judgmental person for not "seeing the good" and that belief made me tolerate some profoundly inhumane behavior in others.
Totally agree with this statement. I grew up in a very Christian home where we were not encouraged to be truthful about bad behaviour. It was never modelled how to speak up, point out unfairness, or to set boundaries. The way to deal was to "turn the other cheek". I still feel disgust today with a significant family member. This training from the past continues to make me tolerate dismissive, manipulative, and condescending behaviour when I should be disengaging or speaking up. I'm glad I'm starting to recognize these situations and avoid them or address them head-on.
Wow, I think your comment just unlocked something for me. I think maybe for many years I've been attributing an "ick" feeling I sometimes get to mean "oh no, I must have been super awkward in that interaction" or "I don't think they like me/what I just said much" when it could be telling me something completely different. Going to have to pay close attention next time it happens.
A lot of trauma seems to be predicated by not being validated as children when we had experienced terrible events or had to deal with parental rage. We begin to think as children that mom being drunk or dad being angry is normal up until we start to see this is the not case with other families for the most part. I was told that is where the shame begins.
@@peggygarcia1131 I never saw it that way but thanks for the insight, When I have had to deal with bullies either bosses, siblings, or parents they do have a way of going after the powerless. I guess that is why bullies make good "toadies" for other bullies. It's why they function well in power structures or hierarchies. I don't mean to sound so highfalutin here, but that is why they "go into rages without alcohol only at those he could hurt." It never occurred to me before. Big wisdom that. TY.
This is very accurate though not all of us are in the dark. I knew from a young age that my parents would “act crazy at night” and then by the time I was 10 we had dare (lol) which was dumb in many ways but their lessons on alcohol and alcoholism actually opened my eyes as a young child and made me realise that my parents were drunk when acting “crazy”. Not sure if I made the connection then or in middle school with health classes but one positive thing of the anti drug bs our schools taught. It made me realise it wasn’t normal at a younger age. I also saw with how it was to stay at a grandparents house or a few friends though as I went through child hood had less and less friends who parents WERENT alcoholics because only other kids of alcoholics would tolerate their kids staying over at an alcoholic’s house for a sleepover lol. I definitely had a lot of shame though as a child and still do to some extent. These videos have been super helpful in me learning my own coping mechanisms I developed to survive
@@eottoe2001 dry drunk is a term from AA / ALANON very much a traumatised adult re-enacting the abuse they experienced in childhood by an alcoholic. And a lot of what alanon is about is self growth to NOT do that lol. Also AA because dry drunks can also be recovered alcoholics who are acting in the same toxic ways they did while drunk but just sober.
I've been raised by a father with NPD. Besides been narcissist, he is rich, womanizer and violent. I had severe TBI and was in coma when I was 5 y.o and I grew up hiperactive and been hitten by him so much. Nothing I did or said was enough for him. He had kids with 6 women, including my mother and a girl I use to date, and he paid her apartment and university carreer to keep her. I still struggling to heal myself. I am 50 old and he stills playing strange and hurtful mind games. It've been and still been exausted. I'm in the process to finally cut ties. Thank you Dr. for your dedication and information to help. Blessings to you and all the ones that keep struggling.
Well, congrats on coming this far despite all the challenges and lack of love! May you be blessed with knowing that you are lovable and with loving YOURSELF even though you may have people around you who don’t have the capacity to see you as the gift you are or to love you for being what you are. That comes from within. I’ve learned that looking for others to determine my value and lovability is where I have to be “a rebel” and see it myself and accept nothing less. Then I can take unhealthy dynamics with grace and see how a person feels about me is THEIR STUFF and not about me.
I really, really hope you can breakfree. What I always find helpful to remember is that you are nothing more then a beating heart supply to your energy vampire. Stop the drain Stop your pain. Because deep down you know your awesome and so does your Father ...which he hates because deep down he feels like a piece
It wasn't until I was in my 40's and in recovery before I understood that I had in fact been abused. I thought it had to be something like having cigarettes burned out on me. But yea, being ignored as a kid is a big deal.
That is my biggest kryptonite, believing my thoughts and feelings are valid after being torn down all through childhood and adult life. I’m just realizing this at 47 after both parents have passed.
In my family, no one was honest with eachother, and its was rife with clistwr B personalities. There were layers and layers of secrets, deceit and subterfuge. Telling the truth was extremely dangerous, so I learned to create fantasy versions of events to provide safe alternatives to reality. As a result, i have ended up in relationships with deceitful, narcissist abusive relationships. Now I'm out but have a pervasive sense of fear and feeling like I can't maintain myself or keep myself safe. It was only recently, after living with this for 60 yesrs, that i even heard the term C-PTSD. Thank you so much Patrick, for the tools you give us to build a self-help tool box. I hope you write a book with a lot of your helpful information and exercises.
C-PTSD is a new term. I challenged my therapist in 2020 that my symptoms are PTSD-like, but my score was very low on specific events that might have caused it. They revised it now I guess.
Exactly like my family. CPTSD is what I went through. My parents abandoned me at 4 years old and moved away from me and left me with my newly married 17 year old sister. My parents moved to Oklahoma for a year. My sister warned my parents that I was starting not to remember them. When my older bothers and sisters and parents moved back. I noticed my family didn’t miss me. There was no talk about my abandonment when they came back around. Years later I mentioned my abandonment to my mother and she started being very upset that I mentioned my feelings but she didn’t acknowledge my feelings of loss. She was concerned about how she looked as a missing mother who abandoned her 4 year old child. It hurt like hell. Seeing that she was not concerned about neglecting me but how see was seen
Just realized why all so many report cards said “talks too much” when I was in school…. No one to talk with at home. Children who are neglected really need to work so much harder to catch up socially. Such valuable information and tools! ❤ Thank you for this wonderful resource
🙂 Healing. Awesome, alot of channels focus on the "narcissist is the villain" bandwagon, without offering a way to get off it. Know full well it's futile to change anyone but self, yet also know lack the functional tools to do the job. Thanks Patrick and community.
And non psychologists or therapists channels talking about matters they don't know and don't have the experience. With a worrying lack of responsibility.
Yes, the tools to heal are what matters, not blame games, or self-blame, or detecting who is "evil". What matters is what causes what and how we can cause different things, while being very validating during it.
@@aronhighgrove4100 exactly, the other narc videos just made me hyper vigilant and i often caught myself sounding like i had paranoia, seeing narcs everywhere. Half of them are cptsd sufferers themselves, showing signs of co-dependency. Both my parents got re-married to narcs and I suffered at their hands, but I could never make sense of the role that my grandparents had in f'ing up my parents emotional development. Since becoming a parent myself i keep being triggered and it is really difficult without knowing how to parent your own inner child. Plus feeling shame about somehow not being better than your own parents is debilitating 😢
The mere fact so many of us haven't punched these people in a face truly blows my mind. That would just add to their story anyway. Too anyone in a relationship, or leaving a relationship with a narc, please know that you're loved and worthy of living a healthy happy life. I started watching Patricks video's around 1.5 years ago and I can say he helped change my life. I'm here now learning more as I'm 90% recovered from growing up in a toxic house hold. Thank your Patrick, and much love to all of you!!
With every one of these videos of Patrick's, I feel as though my soul has had a healthy meal. There's so much good emotional nutrition to work with for the purpose of exploring and healing--and how to do the work. From my deepest heart, I'm so grateful I found this channel.
Great video!!! Thank you for giving people guidance beyond "identifying a narcissist and having good boundaries", I feel like your advice is very much geared towards helping people guide themselves thru their own healing, and it's so so so helpful. The last two years I've been watching your videos, my life has changed so much. Saved my life dude
Probably the most important video on narcissism anyone can watch. The reality is that if you’re watching videos about narcissistic people, you have your own sets of problems to deal with. Incredible insight, thank you for this video.
I honestly feel like this video was made for me. Our radar system for narcissistic abuse is broken bc we were raised w such abnormal circumstances. "Our inner child is too forgiving". Yes, this! In other words we tolerate abuse as normal and it doesn't hit us as bad until it's outrageous and already taken a huge toll on our health.
Yes! Went from a relationship with a classic narc to one with a covert narc and never realised for 18 years! Now i do the contrary and see narc traits everywhere i look and cannot stand being around people except very few. Getting a job with this outlook on life seems Impossible, now I understand why it seemed best to most women to just stay in their cage until the kids are out of the house.... But exactly that keeps the cycle going from generation to generation. No easy task to break the cycle!
🤗 ty so many channels focus on hating the npd other instead of healing the self & it seems so counterproductive to the healing process to continue obsessing about the other. Thank you for also mentioning that cluster B doesnt equal "bad person". 🙌
i actually laughed out loud to myself at one point in this video because of how poignant it was for me and how deeply i resonated with one of your examples! these videos have been so helpful for me recently, thank you endlessly!
The hardest part of these exercises is trying to remember specific interactions. I've no memory of large chunks of my life-it may be related to neurodivergence.
I'm so grateful for the segment where you said placing accountability is not playing the blame game. It's absolutely a feeling i have, of acknowledging where my parents failed me, but then feeling like i am blaming them and hastily taking on part of the burden myself. We can acknowledge what they did and their role in it, and it's not about blame, it's about understanding for the future.
I've been contemplating for some time that the reason so many of us default to the seemingly narcissistic voices of others (corporations, institutions, accepted concepts and systems) is that we learned in early life - through our first experiences with, and our early references for the world is this: that the loudest, most manipulative, the most volatile person has all the power - and it never changes. This is why teaching others to listen to their own wisdom, compass, intellect, values is so important and it seems that we will keep mucking stuff up until we do. Your work is so appreciated. On an individual scale your work is important in helping others to achieve personal freedom and happiness. Your videos are always fantastic.
I'm watching all these videos to help me to self-validate my only recently discovered narcissistic abuse as a child as actually being abuse! I'm 46-years-old and I'm still just now coming out of what I would call a trauma coma.
Absolutely beautiful!!! Thank you so very much . You continue to help me to see just how toxic my family dynamics were. I was the scapegoat in our family and have experienced what you’ve shared today and more. I am now 57 years of age doing the work. Thank you again!!!🙏🏽❤️
This is the shadow work for me. I am there now, but it took many years of waking up to be ready and able to learn these things about myself. This was a great video for me. Thank you Patrick!
I've watched dozens of videos on this topic by dozens of shrinks, and you are BY FAR the best. You somehow make sense of very complex issues. You're also very funny...and a bit nerdy. Perfect combo!
From a mental health perspective, these are absolutely the most validating I've ever watched. Very powerful. It gives me a lot of insight and peace. Thank you, Patrick--you'll never know how appreciated they are.
Wow - I just found you !! What a wonderful description about how we as abused & neglected kids get set up to take care of those who don’t want to be responsible for themselves
I wave back at you every time. When watching one of these videos, maybe walking away from the screen to handle something while still listening, when the end is nearing I rush to the screen because I need to wave back. There’s something which makes me feel so safe when waving back ❤
Omg, this was awesome! My exact childhood! I ran away from home from a narcissistic mother at age 13 to then ending up marrying a man at age 34 that is EXACTLY like her! I have since worked on myself through therapy with a pastor and watching helpful videos like these on TH-cam. I am on my way to full healing from codependency by setting healthy boundaries with every single person around me and asked my husband for a one week mental break who threatened me with a divorce. I told him to do what he has to do but I need that break. We are now in the proceedings of divorce and I’m at peace with it. My 3 boys will not be treating their wives like I enabled their daddy to treat me. I realized that I was also at fault and thus will never happen again!! Thnx for the videos and God bless you
I've cried so much while watching this video, I'm not a bad person, I'm a victim who must work hard on her trauma ! I can be happy ! I deserve to be happy ! I've been abused from 4 to 6years old by my half-brother. Then my father neglect me, and was prefering my little sister. My father and I were always arguing, and fight almost every days... I was walking on egg shell when talking to him, I wasn't loving him, I was afraid of him... only my mother was there, in this mess, when she can. And know, I'm seeking badly male validation... My last relationship was with a narcissistic man who has been treating me like my dad did... It was only a almost 2 months relationship, but it felt like years. I see a psychologist for almost 3 years now and it help me a lot I just hope that one day, I can be loved for who I am, not just for how I look... I know I m pretty, but has he said, it's cause of that if he abused me... So as for know, it's me, my futur dog and college's study. Want to do it right, want to prove to myself that I am more than they said. I'm a good person that deserves a lot. One day will come and I would be out of this ! They can't see or hear it, but thank you... thank all of my friends and my mom for helping me. I love you so much ❤
Great video Patrick! & very powerful sample letter. It helps so much to have examples like this as someone who was not allowed to have feelings, emotions, or a voice growing up without being shamed and insulted!! Being more forgiving than I should be is a major problem of mine too! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!! 😊
@@elizabethkeller6040 aww, thanks. It's nice to have people who can relate, but sad that it's under these circumstances. I've always said I learned what not to do. The bright side is that I acknowledge & validate my children, tell them I love them everyday, stand up for them, provide food and water, teach them about life, and genuinely care about their feelings. So I think even though I have a long way to go and make mistakes I am doing my best to be a good mom and a good person.
I thought I trusted myself after I learned all about my narc ex, I picked a guy who was very, very nice. Come to learn, he’s so conflict avoidant that he lies instead of having any kind of conflict. Totally devastated me financially and come to find he broke up with me because he found someone else. Ugh.
I have so much trouble trusting anyone anymore. I avoid opening up or asking for help. I realize what a terribly sad place this is to be, but struggling to get past it😥 Thank you Patrick. I watch several of your videos every morning, helps me to achieve some footing for my day ❤️
Dear Patrick, this is really an amazing video because you explain everything so clearly and profound. And it also transports a lot of loving kindness at the same time. I am living in Hamburg in Germany and it is a big City with a lot of therapists but I have trouble to find a therapist who really gets me and understands the combination of codependency and ptsb. Also I think that a lot of therapists struggle from unsolved codependecy themselves so that the don‘t even know what I am talking about and I have to hold myself back from starting to tell them what‘s it all about. Thank you very much for your work as it helps me believe in my way and not to give up searching for a therapy that is really helping me instead of giving me the feeling that something is wrong with me. Kirsten
Definitely have participated in all of these ways of responding to difficult relationships. The one about “I can deal with this sabotage…they won’t force me out, etc. etc.” in a very challenging profession/workplace. The relentless attacks and gaslighting at every effort to evade them or solve issues directly took their toll, and in hindsight I recognize that my persistence was not a self care reaction to a horribly toxic narcissistic person.
Wow... good takeaway.. Best takeaway is "reducing tolerance for difficult people". I am achieving this lately..I used to enjoy struggles, mindgames, bickering with difficult people but they now bore me...I have no time for them.
For me the parent if i told them that i ended up in an abusive relationship, they would probably respond to me with the "i told you so, you are not able to care for yourself" and lock me up in the family home for the rest of my life. In short getting punished for getting hurt, which in my opinion is very counterproductive, if you got hurt you already suffered the natural consequences of your actions, the additional punishment doesnt double down "the lesson" instead it builds up shame and diminishes your self worth and gets you in a hypervigilant mindset to prevent getting hurt, because you have been conditioned for so long that a harsh punishment is going to follow when you get hurt.
Parenting should require a license. Preschool workers have to take childcare 1 and 2 in college, but parents are on their own. Parenting isn't taught in any public school.
After I recognise that my parents are narcissist I spent month on learning about narcissist and how they think and behave. That helps me grieving and understanding what happened. But after that I decide "that's enough - I heal myself not them". And I very appreciate your youtube channel for that part. Thank you Patrick [; You help me a lot [;
I agree with twelfth step stuff. It not only helped me own my part but own my joy too. I’m so grateful. Flossing a diff marriage I could have found a bunch of places that would reinforce my victimness. My alcoholism saved more than my life in the physical sense. I’m so grateful.
I never wanna listen to your videos Patrick, cos everything you say hits me in the head. It’s like being ran over by a bulldozer! You are one of the best 5 therapists on You Tube. You are so empathetic and wise, and very well informed. I like your work so much. Thank you so much ❤️💖
Patrick- you absolutely nailed it for me. I’ve been a social worker, counselor, & therapist for 30+ years & have always felt a frustrating crevasse between my understanding of the abuse I grew up in & its resolution or release so that I could be fully on board with my own healing. So much more to say but will watch this video again & do these exercises. So grateful you’re sharing your gifts.❤
I feel like Patricks appproach resembles my idea of what I wanted from my parents in the way of love; being able to disclose myself to a self contained parent who was a role model for good mental and physical health.. and therefore able to steady me or to guide me as I stepped out in the world. Its so important to be validated and valued as a son or daughter and this is the love I sought.
So many of my friends and romantic partners have been narcissists. It’s like I collect them. But as I’ve grown I notice it faster and cut them out of my life faster, so that’s how I know I’m getting better. My most recent friendship - I don’t think she was a narcissist, but she had narcissistic traits. She went off on me out of nowhere a couple months ago because I finally spoke up about her flakiness and cancelling last minute. She cornered me and yelled accusations at me about how I’m a bad friend and I need to work on myself etc. It felt horrible. A month later she apologized and said emotions were running really high but she never took accountability for her behavior - ever. And never has. I’m completely done with people who refuse to admit to their faults and instead attack and antagonize others. And I’m completely done with imbalanced, unequal relationships.
Thank you … always thought it was strange how my parents didn’t like anybody but loved my abusive partners. My father was once so disappointed I wasn’t going to date this guy when I found out he shot his pregnant girlfriend!!! He couldn’t believe I wasn’t going to give him a chance! I’ll never forget how bone chilling that was. So tired of hearing from other family member how much my parents love me.
I’ve been jolted awake from my sleep almost nightly going over something that I said the previous day, wondering if it was appropriate and being hit with this feeling of regret or humiliation over very small things that were probably no big deal. I think I’m finally coming out of that emotional torment now. That was the worst time of my life.
Reclaiming ourselves is a beautiful process! One way to encourage building self trust is by keeping a log of times when you did trust yourself, which over time can provide you with a tangible example of how trustworthy you really are.
I was just wondering the same, maybe we have to write our own book on that topic 😅 For now I cuddle my kids a lot, we talk about feelings and I apologise for overreacting or not being able to function as well as I would like, I give them chances to help with little things and avoid overloading them. But trying to heal as fast as possible out of fear of being a bad parent was counterproductive to say the least.
I can relate so much to the stuff you say on your videos, I only recently through the past couple years I’m starting to realize the depth of my childhood trauma that greatly affects my adulthood. I barely know how to function as an adult and I’m 36 years old. I have many narcissists in my family I don’t even know what a narcissist was a couple years ago. I really appreciate you sharing information about these exercises. I find them to be very helpful thank you so much for your contact.
Thank you so much for these videos. I have been trying to make sense of my life and my childhood trauma for years. There aren’t many therapists in my area who work with childhood trauma the way you do. I’m in tears thinking about the letter I will write to my parents. I fall in the neglected category. 15yrs old dating a 23 yr old. Went from that to a narcissist who was verbally and physically abusive. Your videos are helping me piece together a life of healing. ❤
I am so glad that I found you Patrick. There is so much stuff from my past that I was able to get rid off, and so many things that I am still learning and working on. Especially how to better advocate for myself, and how to put myself first, without offending people. There is so much good info and substance in your videos. You don't judge us for being that way. I judged myself for many years, untill at some point I realized that it is not my fault. It is like a soul fracture or soul desease that I acuired in my home, that needs to be corrected with more tools, or healing with guidance if available, or by observing other people who are healtier and learn from them. It took me more than 35years to stop being affraid of my narcissitic father. There was so many things backward in my home and still is, that I had zero clue how to treat people, how to treat myself, and how I should be treated. As a scape goat, I came into the adult world like a dear in the headlight, and eventually got into the relationship that was less than desirable, and the "desease" and suffering continued. I am solo right now because it is so much easier, and I feel so much happier and healthier. But I have still long way to go. I struggle with emotional hangover every time I talk to my parents. They manage to upset me almost every time we talk. I would be happy and at prace to never talk to them. I hope you will organize therapy sessions in more states in the future❤ Thank you.
Turns out all my friends were not safe. After a servere personal trama they showed theirselves. No ones safe. Keep it to yourself and see a good therapist to talk to.
I know this is off topic but I just followed you on Instagram and was surprised that healthygamer is following you as well! It makes me feel even safer and more enthusiastic about healing from childhood trauma since the channel that made me conscious about it in the first place is healthygamer. I'm glad that there's another TH-cam channel that is credible and sincere and effective in helping out those of us in the dark, and I'm even more thankful that you're specializing in childhood trauma, which feels more tailored to me and resonates with me more.
In every single episode of yours that I watch there is an 'Aha!" for me. Not a nice one, but one reveals yet another type of abuse I endured (still do...). I usually yell and my thought is, "I KNEW I didnt like that but could not voice why." Thank you for all you do.
Very empowering! I love how you provide concrete examples and practical tools to heal and strengthen ourselves with... I have worked the 12 steps, and still apply them, and have also used writing a letter as a part of working on my childhood trauma. These have been very helpful. Thank you for your work Patrick!
I like the perspective on that one because with me healing are starting to heal for my codependency you know I can't control another person and it's really hard to like tell when you first meet somebody if they're a narcissist or not I mean even with all of the 10 ways 15 ways everybody is different but the one person that I'm starting to get to know is me so it's a lot easier or a lot less triggering per se to know me and if you know yourself well enough and you're authentic narcissist won't come around you and if they do it will not be for a long duration because authenticity can not feed the narcissist very well
Thank you, Patrick, for listening to the Spirit and sharing your insights and understanding with others who are on the Path to Healing! Praise the Lord! He is Faithful and is providing a Way out through people like you!! God Bless you, dear brother!!!
So glad I found your channel. I have trauma from childhood. Narcissistic parents, only child military brat, divorced an abusive narcissist (did 12 steps in Al-Anon). My parents actually almost ignored that marriage entirely even though he was physically abusive. So anyway now I’m in graduate school for counseling so I’m trying to really heal from my own trauma and have enough awareness to do this right.
This is brilliant. I just used the 12 steps to get out of a toxic relationship, and this inventory is so so so much better than the regular 4th step I did. It triggered me dio much that it really threw me for a loop for about three months.
My mom wants so bad to be my safe person. While I’m in therapy I’ve been pushing her to the corner so I can get her out of me and balancing that has been rough considering she was always my main person. My mom used to be my whole world and I worked hard for her happiness all my life. It’s a flipped upside down feeling when you first start seeing these things for what they are.
Love the “have a safe person” rule. Caught my attention when he mentioned that person being 10min late and picking someone you aspire to be. Had a new therapist who cancelled/rescheduled many appointments before finally meeting for our first session. The information gathered was priceless but I didn’t trust that she’d be reliable. I was right and after months of trying, I was only able to meet with her one other time because she kept flaking. Final straw was when a video appointment was made and she never showed or bothered to reach out to reschedule. Now I’m left looking for someone new with the dread of starting from the beginning again.
I have a theripist that is working with Amanda Curtain who does videos with Patrick 😊 She does zoom visits therapy 😇 Let me know if you would like contact information ? Blessings
My Partner and I both experience childhood trauma, and luckily we have a friend who hat to be our Radar sometimes. We both just get so triggered by the same things and the are complety oblivious to other abuse we are still facing from our familes. We are lucky to habe someone like that, otherwise its just very Hard to navigate
😩….my face listening! Having a narcissist mom has been unreal. This is video is the definition of me. Could have posted this with just my name on the title. I have never heard anyone say this information. I have butterflies. What a mess I must be. This has been a long life struggle. I did finally end my relationship with my Mom 4 years ago. The ruminating I would say was and sometimes still is the worst. Also I am in a 17 year marriage with one as well. Although I really have trained myself to just let things go. Daily😔
Patrick, at your final thoughts section, your experience have encapsulated a similar experience to myself growing up with my parents who have a power struggle kind of dynamic with very poor, unhealthy communication style, of course it set me up to be hypervigilant and tip my toes around my parents' emotions and take care of feelings, being parentified without me realising. I'm feeling sad, angry and disappointed. But at the same time, I'm glad to unveil more BS about my upbringing and how I am still playing small and suppressed myself at 29 y/o because of that upbringing.
I've written my comment like 3/4 times now and it disappears, maybe I'm writing something wrong or idk (maybe over sharing too much and some words aren't allowed, i understand that lol) I'd just like to still say thank you so much for this. This is brilliant and you're brilliant. Thank you for all the validation and learning.
This is LITERALLY right in line with the work im currently doing on myself. So glad i found your channel! Very helpful as i have a hard time starting dialogue but when i can watch this video with my partner or therapist it helps get the important details across before we begin discussing how it applies to me specifically. Keep it up!!
Honestly life changing practices - as a fellow social worker, I am so appreciative of this free content that you put out! So many individuals can’t afford therapy or live in rural areas where there is a deficit of available services. Incredibly grateful for your work!
I agree!
Amen
Even in the big city-finding competent, helpful therapists or doctors is next to impossible. There just don’t seem to be many around.
Well Said, and I second that, we live in the information age, that's not news, but everyone has a right to know how to identify why we sense things are off. This information is potentially life saving!!
I know someone in a semi-rural area who needs therapy but won't go because "the entire town will know".
Patrick Teahan has definitely the best content related to childhood trauma.
It's like he personally observed our all childhoods, personally knows our parents, even our therapists.
Yes! And no diet advice, like some other childhood trauma TH-camrs. 😬
i would say the same thing about Patrick! he's amazing!
@@fruitypebbles803 no diet advice?
Could you explain that pls
Agreed. Looked for something on the topic for the past year and just for his page. So grateful.
@@luisapaza317 some childhood trauma youtubers love to peddle diet advice, either with a sponsorship from someone else's product or creating their own even if they're not certified in diet and eating disorder advice. It's sad and triggering if you've struggled with an eating disorder :(
My friend used to say "these people can smell you!!"
LOL! I like this!! I will use it. it's so true!
This therapist really seems to address childhood trauma more effectively than I've really seen or experienced around. Extremely helpful and thought provoking.
2022 was “the year” for me. I fired the 5 closest people to me because they were all toxic abusers. I’m still shell shocked and feeling overwhelmed about starting a new life at 47. But more and more every day, I know in my bones it’s the right thing to do. I’m not anywhere close to being healed yet, but I’ve been doing enough inner work now, off and on for about 13 years, to know that I CAN’T go back to being the family punching bag any more. Once you get out of the toxic cloud of their lies and see some truth, you can’t unsee it.
I realized that I would put “me” away in order to spend time with my family, and I’d put on a different “me” to please them. I simply can’t fit into those old clothes any more. I can’t and I won’t, and this boundary provokes their abuse. So…here I am. Totally alone, sometimes terrified, sometimes gleefully thinking that I’m getting away with finally pulling it off!! 😊❤
Yep, I do feel you, same here, quite disconcerned from even seeing around as I don't trust at a people now, and even feel disgust toward everyone..as my alert is so dilated that everyone comes like a trigger, which I avoid by widrawing and self-isolating.
There is for sure a better place where to be in our healing journey, that is the destination we are looking for. So, my advice to us both is to do not forget it is a JOURNEY, so lets avoid to stay stuck in the muds, sinking in ponds of self commiseration for the bad done to us..lets keep moving, lets go on!!
A huge hug to you, you are not alone on this healing path, and we just crossed each other right n😅w 👋🏻👋🏼👋🏻🫂💕💕💕
Tina Turner started over from scratch with nothing but the shirt on her back and her name….at exactly the age of 47. Just some encouragement for you! I’m 42 and had to do the same, so she is my role model.
Good for you! You might feel alone but you have lots of company.
For me, it wasn't that I didn't trust myself or didn't see the red-flag behavior, but I had this subconscious belief that if I felt disgust when around someone or that something was off about them, that that meant that there must be something wrong with me! I believed it meant that _I_ was a bad and judgmental person for not "seeing the good" and that belief made me tolerate some profoundly inhumane behavior in others.
Totally agree with this statement. I grew up in a very Christian home where we were not encouraged to be truthful about bad behaviour. It was never modelled how to speak up, point out unfairness, or to set boundaries. The way to deal was to "turn the other cheek". I still feel disgust today with a significant family member. This training from the past continues to make me tolerate dismissive, manipulative, and condescending behaviour when I should be disengaging or speaking up. I'm glad I'm starting to recognize these situations and avoid them or address them head-on.
Your intuition is right on. ❤
Wow, I think your comment just unlocked something for me. I think maybe for many years I've been attributing an "ick" feeling I sometimes get to mean "oh no, I must have been super awkward in that interaction" or "I don't think they like me/what I just said much" when it could be telling me something completely different. Going to have to pay close attention next time it happens.
@@alisonc6100ditto. I thought I was the only one....
Amen!
A lot of trauma seems to be predicated by not being validated as children when we had experienced terrible events or had to deal with parental rage. We begin to think as children that mom being drunk or dad being angry is normal up until we start to see this is the not case with other families for the most part. I was told that is where the shame begins.
Great point
My dad was not an alcoholic but his dad was , my dad was a dry drunk - would go into rages wo alcohol only at those he could hurt
@@peggygarcia1131 I never saw it that way but thanks for the insight, When I have had to deal with bullies either bosses, siblings, or parents they do have a way of going after the powerless. I guess that is why bullies make good "toadies" for other bullies. It's why they function well in power structures or hierarchies. I don't mean to sound so highfalutin here, but that is why they "go into rages without alcohol only at those he could hurt." It never occurred to me before. Big wisdom that. TY.
This is very accurate though not all of us are in the dark. I knew from a young age that my parents would “act crazy at night” and then by the time I was 10 we had dare (lol) which was dumb in many ways but their lessons on alcohol and alcoholism actually opened my eyes as a young child and made me realise that my parents were drunk when acting “crazy”. Not sure if I made the connection then or in middle school with health classes but one positive thing of the anti drug bs our schools taught. It made me realise it wasn’t normal at a younger age. I also saw with how it was to stay at a grandparents house or a few friends though as I went through child hood had less and less friends who parents WERENT alcoholics because only other kids of alcoholics would tolerate their kids staying over at an alcoholic’s house for a sleepover lol. I definitely had a lot of shame though as a child and still do to some extent. These videos have been super helpful in me learning my own coping mechanisms I developed to survive
@@eottoe2001 dry drunk is a term from AA / ALANON very much a traumatised adult re-enacting the abuse they experienced in childhood by an alcoholic. And a lot of what alanon is about is self growth to NOT do that lol. Also AA because dry drunks can also be recovered alcoholics who are acting in the same toxic ways they did while drunk but just sober.
not having a safe person in childhood makes it almost impossible to trust that people are safe in adulthood.
That statement is a big oof 😔
I've been raised by a father with NPD. Besides been narcissist, he is rich, womanizer and violent. I had severe TBI and was in coma when I was 5 y.o and I grew up hiperactive and been hitten by him so much. Nothing I did or said was enough for him. He had kids with 6 women, including my mother and a girl I use to date, and he paid her apartment and university carreer to keep her. I still struggling to heal myself. I am 50 old and he stills playing strange and hurtful mind games. It've been and still been exausted. I'm in the process to finally cut ties.
Thank you Dr. for your dedication and information to help. Blessings to you and all the ones that keep struggling.
My uncle stole his son's girlfriend. That's so odd. It must have been awful.
Well, congrats on coming this far despite all the challenges and lack of love! May you be blessed with knowing that you are lovable and with loving YOURSELF even though you may have people around you who don’t have the capacity to see you as the gift you are or to love you for being what you are. That comes from within.
I’ve learned that looking for others to determine my value and lovability is where I have to be “a rebel” and see it myself and accept nothing less. Then I can take unhealthy dynamics with grace and see how a person feels about me is THEIR STUFF and not about me.
@@ashstevens3361 Thank you for your kind words, sharing and advice.
🙏🔥🔥
I really, really hope you can breakfree. What I always find helpful to remember is that you are nothing more then a beating heart supply to your energy vampire.
Stop the drain
Stop your pain.
Because deep down you know your awesome and so does your Father ...which he hates because deep down he feels like a piece
@@breathinggreen2790 Thank you for your kind words💪🙏
It wasn't until I was in my 40's and in recovery before I understood that I had in fact been abused. I thought it had to be something like having cigarettes burned out on me. But yea, being ignored as a kid is a big deal.
That is my biggest kryptonite, believing my thoughts and feelings are valid after being torn down all through childhood and adult life. I’m just realizing this at 47 after both parents have passed.
Literally just thinking about this five minutes ago, just spoke with my friend in the phone about how I can trust myself again
Me too! I was talking to my uncle about that a few minutes ago!
I think its safe to say if we grew up around people with narcissistic checkboxes we need to check our every single time we accuse.
Healing vibes to all us trauma survivors ❤🌴
In my family, no one was honest with eachother, and its was rife with clistwr B personalities. There were layers and layers of secrets, deceit and subterfuge. Telling the truth was extremely dangerous, so I learned to create fantasy versions of events to provide safe alternatives to reality. As a result, i have ended up in relationships with deceitful, narcissist abusive relationships. Now I'm out but have a pervasive sense of fear and feeling like I can't maintain myself or keep myself safe. It was only recently, after living with this for 60 yesrs, that i even heard the term C-PTSD. Thank you so much Patrick, for the tools you give us to build a self-help tool box. I hope you write a book with a lot of your helpful information and exercises.
You dear sweet thing. I repeat over and over - I am going to take care of me. It feels good!
I'm so sorry you've had to struggle with this for so long. Thank you for still being here.
C-PTSD is a new term. I challenged my therapist in 2020 that my symptoms are PTSD-like, but my score was very low on specific events that might have caused it. They revised it now I guess.
Exactly like my family. CPTSD is what I went through. My parents abandoned me at 4 years old and moved away from me and left me with my newly married 17 year old sister. My parents moved to Oklahoma for a year. My sister warned my parents that I was starting not to remember them. When my older bothers and sisters and parents moved back. I noticed my family didn’t miss me. There was no talk about my abandonment when they came back around. Years later I mentioned my abandonment to my mother and she started being very upset that I mentioned my feelings but she didn’t acknowledge my feelings of loss. She was concerned about how she looked as a missing mother who abandoned her 4 year old child. It hurt like hell. Seeing that she was not concerned about neglecting me but how see was seen
Just realized why all so many report cards said “talks too much” when I was in school…. No one to talk with at home. Children who are neglected really need to work so much harder to catch up socially. Such valuable information and tools! ❤ Thank you for this wonderful resource
Me 2 ❤️🩹
🙂 Healing. Awesome, alot of channels focus on the "narcissist is the villain" bandwagon, without offering a way to get off it. Know full well it's futile to change anyone but self, yet also know lack the functional tools to do the job. Thanks Patrick and community.
ш have noticed that too! It's amazing you have pointed that out
And non psychologists or therapists channels talking about matters they don't know and don't have the experience. With a worrying lack of responsibility.
Yes thank you
Yes, the tools to heal are what matters, not blame games, or self-blame, or detecting who is "evil". What matters is what causes what and how we can cause different things, while being very validating during it.
@@aronhighgrove4100 exactly, the other narc videos just made me hyper vigilant and i often caught myself sounding like i had paranoia, seeing narcs everywhere. Half of them are cptsd sufferers themselves, showing signs of co-dependency. Both my parents got re-married to narcs and I suffered at their hands, but I could never make sense of the role that my grandparents had in f'ing up my parents emotional development. Since becoming a parent myself i keep being triggered and it is really difficult without knowing how to parent your own inner child. Plus feeling shame about somehow not being better than your own parents is debilitating 😢
The mere fact so many of us haven't punched these people in a face truly blows my mind. That would just add to their story anyway.
Too anyone in a relationship, or leaving a relationship with a narc, please know that you're loved and worthy of living a healthy happy life. I started watching Patricks video's around 1.5 years ago and I can say he helped change my life. I'm here now learning more as I'm 90% recovered from growing up in a toxic house hold. Thank your Patrick, and much love to all of you!!
With every one of these videos of Patrick's, I feel as though my soul has had a healthy meal. There's so much good emotional nutrition to work with for the purpose of exploring and healing--and how to do the work. From my deepest heart, I'm so grateful I found this channel.
Great video!!! Thank you for giving people guidance beyond "identifying a narcissist and having good boundaries", I feel like your advice is very much geared towards helping people guide themselves thru their own healing, and it's so so so helpful. The last two years I've been watching your videos, my life has changed so much. Saved my life dude
Nice!
Probably the most important video on narcissism anyone can watch. The reality is that if you’re watching videos about narcissistic people, you have your own sets of problems to deal with. Incredible insight, thank you for this video.
I’ve been tricking myself into thinking I’m improving but realized I never stopped isolating. I am essentially a shut in.
We shouldn't have to protect ourselves from Narcissists. They should get the help they need to stop harming others, or be removed from Society.
AMEEN 🙏
Narcissism is the new normal
Or from the Earth.
🎯 Breaking the tolerance for difficult people!!🎯🎯🎯 EXACTLY right!!
This gave me a quantum leap in improving my mental health and life overall💯
I was molested by a neighbor at 4 years old and my narc mom told me to just not tell anyone.
I now still work on voicing my boundaries.
I do have a fantasy where I deal with a narc beautifully. With calmness, humour, insouciance......... and the narc backs away.
I honestly feel like this video was made for me. Our radar system for narcissistic abuse is broken bc we were raised w such abnormal circumstances. "Our inner child is too forgiving". Yes, this! In other words we tolerate abuse as normal and it doesn't hit us as bad until it's outrageous and already taken a huge toll on our health.
Yes! Went from a relationship with a classic narc to one with a covert narc and never realised for 18 years! Now i do the contrary and see narc traits everywhere i look and cannot stand being around people except very few. Getting a job with this outlook on life seems Impossible, now I understand why it seemed best to most women to just stay in their cage until the kids are out of the house.... But exactly that keeps the cycle going from generation to generation. No easy task to break the cycle!
🤗 ty so many channels focus on hating the npd other instead of healing the self & it seems so counterproductive to the healing process to continue obsessing about the other. Thank you for also mentioning that cluster B doesnt equal "bad person". 🙌
Standing ovation for the comprehensive summary of how to release this
i actually laughed out loud to myself at one point in this video because of how poignant it was for me and how deeply i resonated with one of your examples! these videos have been so helpful for me recently, thank you endlessly!
The hardest part of these exercises is trying to remember specific interactions. I've no memory of large chunks of my life-it may be related to neurodivergence.
I’m blown away how excellent this content is in explaining everything so clearly. Congratulations on your channel.
I'm so grateful for the segment where you said placing accountability is not playing the blame game. It's absolutely a feeling i have, of acknowledging where my parents failed me, but then feeling like i am blaming them and hastily taking on part of the burden myself. We can acknowledge what they did and their role in it, and it's not about blame, it's about understanding for the future.
Great video. Never had a safe person (had some screwy therapy). To have someone both kind and real w us is a gawdsend
I've been contemplating for some time that the reason so many of us default to the seemingly narcissistic voices of others (corporations, institutions, accepted concepts and systems) is that we learned in early life - through our first experiences with, and our early references for the world is this: that the loudest, most manipulative, the most volatile person has all the power - and it never changes. This is why teaching others to listen to their own wisdom, compass, intellect, values is so important and it seems that we will keep mucking stuff up until we do. Your work is so appreciated. On an individual scale your work is important in helping others to achieve personal freedom and happiness. Your videos are always fantastic.
I'm watching all these videos to help me to self-validate my only recently discovered narcissistic abuse as a child as actually being abuse! I'm 46-years-old and I'm still just now coming out of what I would call a trauma coma.
Absolutely beautiful!!! Thank you so very much . You continue to help me to see just how toxic my family dynamics were. I was the scapegoat in our family and have experienced what you’ve shared today and more. I am now 57 years of age doing the work.
Thank you again!!!🙏🏽❤️
me too, totally same
Definitely needed this video today! Like others have said, it's amazing how well you seem to know our childhoods without ever meeting us. Thank you!!
This video came at the right time, and mirrors so many of my thoughts and feelings about my childhood, and how it affects my adult life. Thank you.
This is the shadow work for me. I am there now, but it took many years of waking up to be ready and able to learn these things about myself. This was a great video for me. Thank you Patrick!
I've watched dozens of videos on this topic by dozens of shrinks, and you are BY FAR the best. You somehow make sense of very complex issues. You're also very funny...and a bit nerdy. Perfect combo!
From a mental health perspective, these are absolutely the most validating I've ever watched. Very powerful. It gives me a lot of insight and peace. Thank you, Patrick--you'll never know how appreciated they are.
You read me to filth in the best ways man. 😂✨ Thank you. Your videos really help me a lot!
Wow - I just found you !! What a wonderful description about how we as abused & neglected kids get set up to take care of those who don’t want to be responsible for themselves
I wave back at you every time. When watching one of these videos, maybe walking away from the screen to handle something while still listening, when the end is nearing I rush to the screen because I need to wave back. There’s something which makes me feel so safe when waving back ❤
Omg, this was awesome! My exact childhood! I ran away from home from a narcissistic mother at age 13 to then ending up marrying a man at age 34 that is EXACTLY like her! I have since worked on myself through therapy with a pastor and watching helpful videos like these on TH-cam. I am on my way to full healing from codependency by setting healthy boundaries with every single person around me and asked my husband for a one week mental break who threatened me with a divorce. I told him to do what he has to do but I need that break. We are now in the proceedings of divorce and I’m at peace with it. My 3 boys will not be treating their wives like I enabled their daddy to treat me. I realized that I was also at fault and thus will never happen again!! Thnx for the videos and God bless you
Healing my own wounds is what will keep me safe. (Not focusing on the baddies.) 👍🙂
I've cried so much while watching this video, I'm not a bad person, I'm a victim who must work hard on her trauma ! I can be happy ! I deserve to be happy !
I've been abused from 4 to 6years old by my half-brother. Then my father neglect me, and was prefering my little sister. My father and I were always arguing, and fight almost every days... I was walking on egg shell when talking to him, I wasn't loving him, I was afraid of him... only my mother was there, in this mess, when she can.
And know, I'm seeking badly male validation... My last relationship was with a narcissistic man who has been treating me like my dad did... It was only a almost 2 months relationship, but it felt like years.
I see a psychologist for almost 3 years now and it help me a lot
I just hope that one day, I can be loved for who I am, not just for how I look... I know I m pretty, but has he said, it's cause of that if he abused me...
So as for know, it's me, my futur dog and college's study.
Want to do it right, want to prove to myself that I am more than they said. I'm a good person that deserves a lot. One day will come and I would be out of this !
They can't see or hear it, but thank you... thank all of my friends and my mom for helping me. I love you so much ❤
Great video Patrick! & very powerful sample letter. It helps so much to have examples like this as someone who was not allowed to have feelings, emotions, or a voice growing up without being shamed and insulted!! Being more forgiving than I should be is a major problem of mine too! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!! 😊
Perfectly said. Relieved that I was not the only person with that upbringing. Yet, profoundly sad we had to put up with that bullshit.
@@elizabethkeller6040 aww, thanks. It's nice to have people who can relate, but sad that it's under these circumstances. I've always said I learned what not to do. The bright side is that I acknowledge & validate my children, tell them I love them everyday, stand up for them, provide food and water, teach them about life, and genuinely care about their feelings. So I think even though I have a long way to go and make mistakes I am doing my best to be a good mom and a good person.
I'm always looking for the magical word that will make everything alright, even if.
That's what I say everyday!
I was working through this train of thought these past few days! Your timing is impeccable 😊
I thought I trusted myself after I learned all about my narc ex, I picked a guy who was very, very nice. Come to learn, he’s so conflict avoidant that he lies instead of having any kind of conflict. Totally devastated me financially and come to find he broke up with me because he found someone else. Ugh.
I have so much trouble trusting anyone anymore. I avoid opening up or asking for help. I realize what a terribly sad place this is to be, but struggling to get past it😥
Thank you Patrick. I watch several of your videos every morning, helps me to achieve some footing for my day ❤️
Dear Patrick, this is really an amazing video because you explain everything so clearly and profound. And it also transports a lot of loving kindness at the same time. I am living in Hamburg in Germany and it is a big City with a lot of therapists but I have trouble to find a therapist who really gets me and understands the combination of codependency and ptsb. Also I think that a lot of therapists struggle from unsolved codependecy themselves so that the don‘t even know what I am talking about and I have to hold myself back from starting to tell them what‘s it all about. Thank you very much for your work as it helps me believe in my way and not to give up searching for a therapy that is really helping me instead of giving me the feeling that something is wrong with me. Kirsten
Definitely have participated in all of these ways of responding to difficult relationships. The one about “I can deal with this sabotage…they won’t force me out, etc. etc.” in a very challenging profession/workplace. The relentless attacks and gaslighting at every effort to evade them or solve issues directly took their toll, and in hindsight I recognize that my persistence was not a self care reaction to a horribly toxic narcissistic person.
Wow... good takeaway..
Best takeaway is "reducing tolerance for difficult people".
I am achieving this lately..I used to enjoy struggles, mindgames, bickering with difficult people but they now bore me...I have no time for them.
This video was spot on, it makes very good sense , hope everyone out there are on the road to a recovery, .🤗👍👍
For me the parent if i told them that i ended up in an abusive relationship, they would probably respond to me with the "i told you so, you are not able to care for yourself" and lock me up in the family home for the rest of my life. In short getting punished for getting hurt, which in my opinion is very counterproductive, if you got hurt you already suffered the natural consequences of your actions, the additional punishment doesnt double down "the lesson" instead it builds up shame and diminishes your self worth and gets you in a hypervigilant mindset to prevent getting hurt, because you have been conditioned for so long that a harsh punishment is going to follow when you get hurt.
Never met me, but he knows me 🙏🏿💙
Parenting should require a license. Preschool workers have to take childcare 1 and 2 in college, but parents are on their own. Parenting isn't taught in any public school.
agreed. not very realistic unfortunately.
Ideally parents would WANT to be qualified and ready.
Can you talk more sometime about codependency and fighting with abusers to try to get them to change? Referenced in Healing step 3.
After I recognise that my parents are narcissist I spent month on learning about narcissist and how they think and behave. That helps me grieving and understanding what happened. But after that I decide "that's enough - I heal myself not them". And I very appreciate your youtube channel for that part. Thank you Patrick [; You help me a lot [;
I agree with twelfth step stuff. It not only helped me own my part but own my joy too. I’m so grateful. Flossing a diff marriage I could have found a bunch of places that would reinforce my victimness. My alcoholism saved more than my life in the physical sense. I’m so grateful.
I never wanna listen to your videos Patrick, cos everything you say hits me in the head. It’s like being ran over by a bulldozer!
You are one of the best 5 therapists on You Tube. You are so empathetic and wise, and very well informed.
I like your work so much.
Thank you so much ❤️💖
Patrick- you absolutely nailed it for me. I’ve been a social worker, counselor, & therapist for 30+ years & have always felt a frustrating crevasse between my understanding of the abuse I grew up in & its resolution or release so that I could be fully on board with my own healing. So much more to say but will watch this video again & do these exercises. So grateful you’re sharing your gifts.❤
I feel like Patricks appproach resembles my idea of what I wanted from my parents in the way of love; being able to disclose myself to a self contained parent who was a role model for good mental and physical health.. and therefore able to steady me or to guide me as I stepped out in the world. Its so important to be validated and valued as a son or daughter and this is the love I sought.
So many of my friends and romantic partners have been narcissists. It’s like I collect them. But as I’ve grown I notice it faster and cut them out of my life faster, so that’s how I know I’m getting better. My most recent friendship - I don’t think she was a narcissist, but she had narcissistic traits. She went off on me out of nowhere a couple months ago because I finally spoke up about her flakiness and cancelling last minute. She cornered me and yelled accusations at me about how I’m a bad friend and I need to work on myself etc. It felt horrible. A month later she apologized and said emotions were running really high but she never took accountability for her behavior - ever. And never has.
I’m completely done with people who refuse to admit to their faults and instead attack and antagonize others. And I’m completely done with imbalanced, unequal relationships.
Thank you … always thought it was strange how my parents didn’t like anybody but loved my abusive partners. My father was once so disappointed I wasn’t going to date this guy when I found out he shot his pregnant girlfriend!!! He couldn’t believe I wasn’t going to give him a chance! I’ll never forget how bone chilling that was. So tired of hearing from other family member how much my parents love me.
The section about learning how to heal was super helpful. I will definitely use some of these tips with my clients in the future!
This is so helpful, thank you 🙏
Your videos are so helpful. Thank you so much for sharing all you do
I’ve been jolted awake from my sleep almost nightly going over something that I said the previous day, wondering if it was appropriate and being hit with this feeling of regret or humiliation over very small things that were probably no big deal. I think I’m finally coming out of that emotional torment now. That was the worst time of my life.
Reclaiming ourselves is a beautiful process! One way to encourage building self trust is by keeping a log of times when you did trust yourself, which over time can provide you with a tangible example of how trustworthy you really are.
I was just wondering the same, maybe we have to write our own book on that topic 😅
For now I cuddle my kids a lot, we talk about feelings and I apologise for overreacting or not being able to function as well as I would like, I give them chances to help with little things and avoid overloading them. But trying to heal as fast as possible out of fear of being a bad parent was counterproductive to say the least.
I can relate so much to the stuff you say on your videos, I only recently through the past couple years I’m starting to realize the depth of my childhood trauma that greatly affects my adulthood. I barely know how to function as an adult and I’m 36 years old. I have many narcissists in my family I don’t even know what a narcissist was a couple years ago. I really appreciate you sharing information about these exercises. I find them to be very helpful thank you so much for your contact.
Thank you for this...thinking of this for months
Thank you so much for these videos. I have been trying to make sense of my life and my childhood trauma for years. There aren’t many therapists in my area who work with childhood trauma the way you do. I’m in tears thinking about the letter I will write to my parents.
I fall in the neglected category. 15yrs old dating a 23 yr old. Went from that to a narcissist who was verbally and physically abusive. Your videos are helping me piece together a life of healing. ❤
I am so glad that I found you Patrick.
There is so much stuff from my past that I was able to get rid off, and so many things that I am still learning and working on. Especially how to better advocate for myself, and how to put myself first, without offending people.
There is so much good info and substance in your videos. You don't judge us for being that way.
I judged myself for many years, untill at some point I realized that it is not my fault. It is like a soul fracture or soul desease that I acuired in my home, that needs to be corrected with more tools, or healing with guidance if available, or by observing other people who are healtier and learn from them.
It took me more than 35years to stop being affraid of my narcissitic father.
There was so many things backward in my home and still is, that I had zero clue how to treat people, how to treat myself, and how I should be treated. As a scape goat, I came into the adult world like a dear in the headlight, and eventually got into the relationship that was less than desirable, and the "desease" and suffering continued.
I am solo right now because it is so much easier, and I feel so much happier and healthier. But I have still long way to go. I struggle with emotional hangover every time I talk to my parents. They manage to upset me almost every time we talk. I would be happy and at prace to never talk to them.
I hope you will organize therapy sessions in more states in the future❤
Thank you.
Turns out all my friends were not safe. After a servere personal trama they showed theirselves. No ones safe. Keep it to yourself and see a good therapist to talk to.
I didn't notice anything wrong with the original audio, but this is such a great video!
I know this is off topic but I just followed you on Instagram and was surprised that healthygamer is following you as well! It makes me feel even safer and more enthusiastic about healing from childhood trauma since the channel that made me conscious about it in the first place is healthygamer. I'm glad that there's another TH-cam channel that is credible and sincere and effective in helping out those of us in the dark, and I'm even more thankful that you're specializing in childhood trauma, which feels more tailored to me and resonates with me more.
In every single episode of yours that I watch there is an 'Aha!" for me. Not a nice one, but one reveals yet another type of abuse I endured (still do...). I usually yell and my thought is, "I KNEW I didnt like that but could not voice why." Thank you for all you do.
Very empowering! I love how you provide concrete examples and practical tools to heal and strengthen ourselves with... I have worked the 12 steps, and still apply them, and have also used writing a letter as a part of working on my childhood trauma. These have been very helpful. Thank you for your work Patrick!
Bottled up feelings...significant subject!!!
I like the perspective on that one because with me healing are starting to heal for my codependency you know I can't control another person and it's really hard to like tell when you first meet somebody if they're a narcissist or not I mean even with all of the 10 ways 15 ways everybody is different but the one person that I'm starting to get to know is me so it's a lot easier or a lot less triggering per se to know me and if you know yourself well enough and you're authentic narcissist won't come around you and if they do it will not be for a long duration because authenticity can not feed the narcissist very well
Thank you, Patrick, for listening to the Spirit and sharing your insights and understanding with others who are on the Path to Healing! Praise the Lord! He is Faithful and is providing a Way out through people like you!! God Bless you, dear brother!!!
So glad I found your channel. I have trauma from childhood. Narcissistic parents, only child military brat, divorced an abusive narcissist (did 12 steps in Al-Anon). My parents actually almost ignored that marriage entirely even though he was physically abusive. So anyway now I’m in graduate school for counseling so I’m trying to really heal from my own trauma and have enough awareness to do this right.
This is brilliant. I just used the 12 steps to get out of a toxic relationship, and this inventory is so so so much better than the regular 4th step I did. It triggered me dio much that it really threw me for a loop for about three months.
I feel like every example you listed applies to me… so overwhelming
My mom wants so bad to be my safe person. While I’m in therapy I’ve been pushing her to the corner so I can get her out of me and balancing that has been rough considering she was always my main person. My mom used to be my whole world and I worked hard for her happiness all my life. It’s a flipped upside down feeling when you first start seeing these things for what they are.
Thank you for fixing the audio
Love the “have a safe person” rule. Caught my attention when he mentioned that person being 10min late and picking someone you aspire to be.
Had a new therapist who cancelled/rescheduled many appointments before finally meeting for our first session. The information gathered was priceless but I didn’t trust that she’d be reliable. I was right and after months of trying, I was only able to meet with her one other time because she kept flaking. Final straw was when a video appointment was made and she never showed or bothered to reach out to reschedule.
Now I’m left looking for someone new with the dread of starting from the beginning again.
I have a theripist that is working with Amanda Curtain who does videos with Patrick 😊 She does zoom visits therapy 😇
Let me know if you would like contact information ?
Blessings
My Partner and I both experience childhood trauma, and luckily we have a friend who hat to be our Radar sometimes. We both just get so triggered by the same things and the are complety oblivious to other abuse we are still facing from our familes. We are lucky to habe someone like that, otherwise its just very Hard to navigate
😩….my face listening! Having a narcissist mom has been unreal. This is video is the definition of me. Could have posted this with just my name on the title. I have never heard anyone say this information. I have butterflies. What a mess I must be. This has been a long life struggle. I did finally end my relationship with my Mom 4 years ago. The ruminating I would say was and sometimes still is the worst. Also I am in a 17 year marriage with one as well. Although I really have trained myself to just let things go. Daily😔
Im watching this for maybe the 5fth time or more. Its finally sinking in and i think im ready to start working on it as well. Thank u
This is a great video. Thank you. I wish my marriage therapist from 5 years ago knew a fraction of what you are presenting.
I'm feeling unsafe all over again. With still being told no about help.
Patrick, at your final thoughts section, your experience have encapsulated a similar experience to myself growing up with my parents who have a power struggle kind of dynamic with very poor, unhealthy communication style, of course it set me up to be hypervigilant and tip my toes around my parents' emotions and take care of feelings, being parentified without me realising.
I'm feeling sad, angry and disappointed. But at the same time, I'm glad to unveil more BS about my upbringing and how I am still playing small and suppressed myself at 29 y/o because of that upbringing.
Thank you so much for this 🙏
I've written my comment like 3/4 times now and it disappears, maybe I'm writing something wrong or idk (maybe over sharing too much and some words aren't allowed, i understand that lol)
I'd just like to still say thank you so much for this.
This is brilliant and you're brilliant. Thank you for all the validation and learning.
This is LITERALLY right in line with the work im currently doing on myself. So glad i found your channel! Very helpful as i have a hard time starting dialogue but when i can watch this video with my partner or therapist it helps get the important details across before we begin discussing how it applies to me specifically. Keep it up!!