I don't work because I can't tolerate difficult people. Have an income anyway so not massive problem for me. But I feel a lot of shame about not working...
In my 30s I was at dinner with my cousin and she blurted out completely out of the blue "I'm sorry your dad was always mean to you, he was always nice to all the other kids but he acted like he hated you". It was a weird feeling of being validated.
It happened the same thing with my mother, but I never told about it because I thought that nobody was going to believe me, then once, my big brother told me that it had always called his attention that my mother was like that to me.
Yes I had same two parents of kids at my daughters school said they did not like my mother found her grumpy and judgmental really helped me as I was obsessed with being loyal to her a duty thing that she pushed
@@margaretames6522 My own sibling (the only one of 3 who was treated normally, as they should have been treated, as a child) still to this day has no idea what it is like and even though they witnessed the abuse (out right physical & verbal abuse) of us other ones, and STILL has a very twisted view things. This person(sibling) maintained a relationship, and even their own kids have relationships with the grandpa our bio dad( I call him bio, bc he didn't raise me, he hated&abused me) . Even our mom who divorced him 20yrs+ ago got back in touch with him and has a (toxic, but long distance) friendship. I had to hear from my mom how she went to visit him and how he said very rude or toxic things to her AND my other sibling (who was abused worse than me, but also maintained a relationship with him,stupidly I think). All three of them (my mom and siblings) have always thought I was in the wrong for cutting him out my life (I did a clean cut off, just blocked him&never spoke/saw him again) in 2009. The sibling who was not abused by him, thinks they are an expert in psychology from watching videos like these,reading books and doing her own therapy and that I am literally a sociopath/Pychopath because I had no problem cutting him off , and have stricter boundaries than they do. I don't make friends with just anybody , do not trust people (in a healthy way, VS too blindly & gullible like our other sibling). Our other sibling who was abused worse, has been in 1 abusive relationship after the next, trusts people easily, makes friends easily (all the wrong people, who take advantage ,abuse or steal&lie ) has all kinds of issues . Is the biggest narcissistic themselves, but goes around a cussing everyone else of being a narcissistic, all the while claiming they are an "empath" Bull*hit! The "empath" crap they both talk about they think they are, is really just their failure at reading people properly, and trusting the wrong people due to ASSuming what their feeling is what someone else is feeling. Even if I had super powers to feel other people's emotions (UM that's just empathy,&I know how to "put myself in others shoes" also) it wouldn't make me CARE about someone who doesn't give two craps about me ,and is NOT a nice person. Feeling sorry for bad/mean people is no excuse and does NOT make you (or them in this case) an "empath" . But this person refuses to SEE 👀 that the bio dad never changed ! I hear reports from them what he does or says. I know. I cut him off because I couldn't leave my kids alone with him without concern over him spanking (I didn't allow others to spank them even back when I used to believe in it) or being verbally abusive,towards my kids. He really affected my oldest to the point that as a grown adult in his twenties he has nothing to do with him. I told my kids when they turn 18 or are mature enough (and big&strong adults) to stand up to their grampa ,it's up to them if they want to re connect with him,because they will be grown men and less chance of being physically hurt by him .so it wouldn't only be verbal. Well, when my oldest was around 18 or 19 he got ahold of him somehow (I think thru Fb) found his phone # and called him up just to say he never wanted anything to do with him bc of how he affected my life and his. Yet my siblings still see him, and allow their small children around him unsupervised. And they don't SEE how unhealthy& stressful is it to remain in contact like they do. So I'm the one who gets blamed for cutting him off in 2009. As if I'm this cold hearted person who "hates" him. Thing is I did the cut off after forgiving him. I did it out of the best interest of my kids bc they all were small at the time. My middle is 16,and has no memory of him. My youngest knows who is now bc he was staying the night at my (non abused) siblings house and grampa came over for Christmas to visit and I knew he would be nice bc he was in her house&had never met my youngest. There was an overlap of maybe 1 hour between when he left&I was coming to pick him back up. I told him who he was and why I don't associate with him. Hes 10 and although special needs, seemed to understand. He knows I got punched,kicked, told I was stupid etc... by this guy but that he was also nice but he isn't to be trusted around kids (for their safety) because of how he hurt us growing up. So to answer why do people notice but not do/say anything.... well as long they themselves are treated nicely they won't care, unless they are already a caring person who is not afraid to speak up. My sibling was treated right/loved/given everything they should have so in their mind it's more of "well I was treated right." Nevermind what the person did to others. To me personally if I find out someone who is nice to me, treats others like crap they are NO friend/association of mine.
"#1 Not seeing Toxicity" is touched on in Bojack Horseman, 2x10. "I guess when you're wearing rose colored glasses, all the Red Flags just look like flags."
The neurological reason for this is that the brain in love releases the feel good hormones and suppresses the logical thinking part. It's biologically tough to delve into what we may have an inkling is a red flag because it feels like a minimal nuisance easily overridden by all the positives from the high
@@reaverkai it’s sort of like my analogy from the birthday book I’d read with friends in our twenties about the new guys we were dating. It would tell their astrological pros and cons on one page and then the adjacent page it would say “but those highly evolved born on this day” and then go on to describe who you hoped and thought you were dating in the beginning of a relationship lol. In the end however he was always the guy from page one for sure lol!
My sister once had a coworker tell her that she should train other people how to stay calm under pressure, because nothing phases her. She responded, "I don't think it would be ethical for me to train other people to be this way."
Co workers have described me as “steady”, which is a compliment, and I think I take a healthy pride in that somewhat. BUT-I’m not feeling steady on the inside. I imagine my feelings are akin to how it might feel in a very unsafe chaotic situation, like combat. Where you know that your safety and maybe that of others lies with YOU and YOUR ability to get through the crisis with complete skill. Basically, you have to keep your head straight while everyone else is losing theirs. It’s good to know how to do this if the situation happens occasionally, but when it’s a whole constant dynamic, it’s chronically stressful, and a huge imbalance-of power, of fairness, etc. And yeah, it’s not a dynamic we’d want to encourage others to strive for.
@@bunnyvelour2820 Yes. My therapist has described me as approaching life's problems by preparing for war. And it's true. I've experienced enough dire situations in my life that I don't mess around. If a problem comes up, I gear up and attack it before it can get out of hand. It's my super power - I have a keen sense of what needs to be done, and a strong motivation to do whatever it takes to survive. But I've paid dearly to get where I am.
@@bunnyvelour2820 I have been described the same way by pretty much every close friend and in every work environment since I was a teen. It always hurts a little when I am told this because that level of disconnect from my emotions came from so much emotional pain. Knowing that it's so chronic that everyone can see makes me really sad.
I always say to my brother, "it's because we raised ourselves while wrangling monsters" when people say how we handle awful people so well, the thing we don't talk about is the complete self abandonment that goes along with that
Very well expressed. And what amazes me is that there were friends who managed to see us. As well as the ones who see us as an opportunity to take advantage. .let me count the ways. Whats really scary us the expression on my face as a very young child who knows as pretty as I looked in pink dress and bonnet I was not included in the picture. Maybe thats why I so enjoy dressing up in my own style. Not to difficult to see just to face.👩🎤💥
I’m the only one in my family who adopt the not-hard-enough attitude. All my other siblings take the other one. But we were raised by the same parents, in the same environment
"Our childhoods are usually very lonely experiences and no one is real about what's going on and therefore we are second guessing reality all the time". You feel numb, trying to catch something that you barely can see or understand, while everyone ignores you, laughs at you or dismiss you, calling you crazy. If you insist, they can even yell at you. You feel confused, hurt, anxious.... Finally numb. They blame you and you believe them. You tell yourself a story to make them look good. Your try to "save them", justify them... While you shut down yourself, cut your voice until you feel guilty of using it. "I have to be good. That will make everything better. I have to find the key, why everything is like that and help everybody. I have to be understanding. I have to be nice." Everything was so messed up. I can see now how this "being good" was simply repression in a hurtful unloving environment. Survival. It hurts. It is still hurting. I want to yell so badly.
Hoping for someone’s potential, they look good on paper but they are emotionally immature and a repeated source of disappointment. My mistakes: idealization, not seeing the spade was a spade and unrealistic expectations. The best thing I did was go no contact and try to identify the red flags.
Thank you so very much for this content . I spent my life trying to get my sisters to see me. I just kept thinking if I could find the right words, or the right way to communicate ,they would understand my good intent and love.. Sadly I looked to therapy in the wrong person. My childhood trauma kept me from listening to the red flags. Never was I given insight, knowledge or a guide to get an understanding of how I could help myself. Finally, I found a different therapist who was all about knowledge, and the power to work for your best good and growth. Bless you for getting this important love saving information out there
Wow is all I can say. Met a lot of counselors in my pursuit of healing but I must say this man is one of two in 40 plus years who is absolutely what others in their craft should aspire to become. I subscribed within the first 5 minutes. Thank you Patriick you are a treasure.
I'm 59, and after decades of seeking help and guidance from online forums, Patrick is the one that prevails over the handful of experts I subscribed to. He makes no bones about it, and no sugar-coating of reality.
Agreed. I’m fortunate that my current counsellor is also one that I’ve returned to many times as she’s so intuitive and helpful. (Maternity leaves had me seeing other counsellors that didn’t work out). I can’t see a male therapist or even doctor in person, so I’m at a…disadvantage I guess is the word. These are so helpful, even if I’m sobbing most of the time. But he is so validating and illuminating. 🙏🏽
As abused people we kinda have to deny the flags we couldn’t escape. Now seeing them is scary. Am I too sensitive? I’m learning to trust my own thoughts and feelings and acting accordingly.
No, you're not too sensitive. Your brain mapped those things as dangerous so looking at them now is bound to bring up fear. In time, your brain will learn from experience that it's now safe to look at them and it will rewire so the fear will naturally reduce.
if I may add, I noticed I'm often stuck in tunnel vision/blinds spots because there's no easy solution in sight. So my inner child prefers to hide reality that I don't like because it doesn't know what to do with it, it seems too hard to deal with. These things happen at the speed of light, if I'm not paying attention I might miss a lot of stuff.
I now see why I “ghost” some people in my life. With them I was in a constant triggered state. I couldn’t take it anymore. Unfortunately I didn’t verbalize to them before or after I “ghosted” them. I just bolted and felt a weird combo of relief and guilt….
It's pretty hard to be real with people when being real means you have to tell them their whole being is a trigger to you.. I told my ex that and he gets to just put the bitch label on me
Wow, SO PROFOUND!! Guiding your clients to "lessen their tolerance for toxicity" at first seems counterintuitive. Like it seems that having a high tolerance shows great maturity and life experience to be able to bear stressful situations. But having hardness from life's situations as a means of survival/protection can also have negative long-term side affects such as numbness of emotions/feelings and complications with other future relationships. Patrick, sharing your experiences with us from your practice is incredibly meaningful. THANK YOU!!
Fo real. He covered all the true motives and pitfalls involved in our perpetuated suffering. The info graphs, the outlines, I have a ton of personal experience to back this video up. NOW i dont feel like endeavoring to see a psychologist is going to be so nebulous to me or unrewarding. Now i want to see a psychologist to help me to be prepared for my future.
Funny, meterphorically speaking, I feel like I've grown a few inches. Meaning, I've been holding my breath for years. Not reaching my full air capacity or the ability to see the truth, know the truth, fell the truth, My sighs are a sign to me of stress being released. Healing is so freeing. Imagine yourself as a bird flying high in the sky. Lol Sorry, to get weird. I'm giddy right now. 😆 Sharing this on fb and to my son as well. For this old girl (60) I am so blessed that my son of 39 has been so patient and tolllerant with me. He's healing too. Generational garbage has been our family history.
@@celesteinman56 I almost feel like the family "Motto" should be "The toxic stops here!!!" ;) Keep going. Be proud of you ! (58 years old. Childless by choice.)
My mother, a narcissist, said when I told her about the abuse I suffered from my stepfather 'I wondered why he was so mean to you.' A flash of insight gone in a micro-second. Strangely validating and also horrific because why wouldn't a mother support and defend her daughter in an obviously abusive situation? Because she was a narcissist and could dismiss what was happening to me as something that didn't affect her and was therefore not important.
I always wondered what the devil's advocate thing was all about. I didn't know it was narcissism or codependency. My mother does the same thing. When I had awful teachers I complained from, she'd tell me I was wrong because "she knew I wasn't studying enough" and that was why they were treating me poorly. If I had a toxic boss, it was "well, you've always been cold and mean-looking, you probably did something to tick her off", when everyone at work agreed boss was crazy. She never ever once just heard my side, saw how upset I was, and trusted me unconditionally or at least put aside her suspicions to comfort me. It was always "but what did YOU do?"
Dear Patrick, it's been a just over 2 years ago cut off the toxic family members a parent and a sibling. What made me do this for me is they used and abused me .I was the Family slave.I would be punished if I didn't do as ordered. I did have a childhood. Now at 70years I am having a true fulfilled life it's getting better listening to you. ❤🙏
The toxic person will sometimes say “it’s so great that you only see the good in people” I never realized that while that is a positive attribute it’s also not really helpful in relationships. When I look back it was horrible to not catch red flags and feel important enough to address them. I think the shock is when I would end up finding out they are cheating and I missed all the signs that should have been painfully obvious. It goes back to that lack of confidence in my perception from the constant gas lighting growing up.
I can fawn, usually once in a friendship/relationship boundaries get blurred ("but what if I'm wrong" second guessing syndrome). I'm more hard/aggressive with strangers/business. The "taking the first person who will have me" (at 15 yrs old)...so spot on. Oh I get it now. When raised with raging, bullying parents, it's like you're drowning and u grasp for the closest floating object. Little do we know we just jumped from the frying pan into the fire. 🥺 Wiser now.
Yep I swing madly between questioning whether I have the right to be mad and hair-on-fire PISSED. It makes me look bipolar. I need to distance myself from this person.
Brilliant channel 👏 I hope this guy has awareness around just how brilliant he is. Please universe send this guy loads of money so he has time to sit around and come up with more and more excellent content to help people all over the world. Absolute gold we've hit on here!
Once you finally start to "see" these blind-spots and then recount an experience to a friend or therapist , it is when THEY start to second guess you by saying things like "I'm sure they didn't mean it that way," or "Don't you think you're reading too much into this?" And I think to myself "No, actually, I'm not. I can finally see X for what it is." It's difficult though, because as soon as you stop second guessing yourself, others start. It takes an even stronger conviction than for most. And then of course there's some shame that goes along with someone second guessing you as sort of the proverbial "cherry on top." Would love a video on this please! Nodding my head the whole way through this video.Thank you!
It sounds like you have the wrong friends, or people who've had better life experiences than you. I wouldn't divulge to much to them because they can't relate to you.
I think this is spot on! I am being sorta diagnosed as BPD! I was in full blown PTSD hypervigilant mode and the "therapist" tried to hint I was BPD! You sit there and are like, "MY GOD do you people NOT KNOW BAD PEOPLE!" It's crazy making!
@@janettemartin4604 Get a new therapist and become your own best friend that knows when to call b.s. on people like that. Find good people and a therapist that gets it like Patrick. Labelling someone as bpd, or any other label is super unhelpful and the therapist is being lazy. It's easier to slap a label on someone and write an Rx than it is to take the time to work with someone and get to the root cause. Take good care, ox
Oh I hear ya! Gaslighting is the worst!! My best friend did this to me for years with some mutual friends. I got rid of the mutual friends that were way toxic and emotionally abusive. The best friend doesn't gaslight anymore. I had to keep telling her flat out that she is wrong and what these friends were doing to me was wrong over and over until she understood. I contemplated ending that friendship as well but we both fought to keep it. You're right you have to stand your ground. My friend has her own trauma and has trouble seeing the abuse of other people and her role as an enabler.
3:52 #1 not recognizing toxicity in others 10:15 why it's not good 11:22 how to work with it 15:58 #2 being too hard or not hard enough to others 22:44 why it's not good 25:34 how to work with it 27:46 #3 not seeing that others are triggered too 30:40 why it's not good 33:22 how to work with it
I am the kind of person that’s too hard on people. I definitely have the “not today satan” mentality. I’ve known for awhile that the anger I express in situations at times, I have a absolute right to be angry but not to the degree at which I got angry. And after all the rage I fall into a deep depression, where I don’t eat and even don’t go to work. Because I get so sad about myself because I realize I’m abusing myself in doing those things. And I realized I’m also being abusive. I realized the anger is built up rage from all the horrible bullshit I dealt with my family not just my immediate either. And not just my parents. I went thru a period where I went full rage and got out as much raw anger that I could. Studied a lot on attachment styles, etc. and calmed a lot of that anger down, I let go of my family and mourned the relationship I yearned to have with my parents, siblings and extended relatives. Mourned real hard. When I make new friends, associate w co workers, date, I notice the bad behaviors immediately and don’t “see where it goes” like I used to, I cut it dead, block them or I just stop communicating with them. I’m proud of where I’m going. Thank you for this video it’s confirming that I’ve been doing the right work
I'm sorry but why is this comment written by me? I relate to it so much, even to the Not today Satan plus few days ago i realized i had not mourned the fact that I'll never have the relationship I want with my parents and i stopped hoping they'd change. But that thought hit me hard as i had problems cutting them off, especially my toxic abusive dad. But I did now and it feels amazing. Hope you heal properly and are ok 🤗
Not to mention the anger. Omg. The anger issues i used to have. Broke stuff. Yelled made a scene. Just like my dad. Just like what insaw growing up. This was my love language. 😔
I feel very similar to you. When I was younger, I used to get really angry and was plain out mean at times verbally. Then when the other person responded negatively (which was very reasonable), I would freak out because I was afraid of being abandoned. Many of these times happened because I didn't speak up the first time when I felt like someone was treating me badly (and yeah, they did treat me badly but I continued the relationship). Now, I have a really hard time expressing anger and just will shut down. I don't want to be mean like I was and I am not sure if I can be that way right now anyways but I am definitely very suspicious and paranoid of people. I don't trust anyone and there are times when I don't even trust myself. So none of it is really better just slightly changed.
Oh man so similar! Especially in dates and friends. The red flags are glaring and I move right along. It can be a hard lonely road but I'd rather have my close circle and myself than get into an abusive mess with someone.
In my home the guys were allowed to get violently angry while the girls were not allowed to dis[play feelings, especially anger and were shame based for it. My mother preferred her boys and I really saw that later in life. Disgusting!
Dad's a narcissist, mum's bpd, weird childhood. Felt like a pawn between the 2. Grateful for these resources and that I'm not alone, working on healing. Thank you for the amazing content!
you enjoy it until you resent not getting back as much as you put in but are you sure it's about them being needy or is it you pushing "help" on them without them asking?
This is so deeply sad, disturbing, and wonderfully enlightening all at the same time. Thank you for this. It was terrible growing up in a demented family where I was ignored, abandoned & triggered until I blew my lid so they could then use that both as proof that I was the problem & they could also avoid having to acknowledge their own terrible behaviours...
Oooo, I identify with this. As I got older, in my late 20s, I started confronting my mother about things that upset me as a child. Her response was “that never happened,” like I had memory problems!! At first I second guessed myself, then I started showing my anger, then “I” was the problem. Even though it’s messed up, I’m glad to finally know my perceptions are correct. Hugs 🙏🏼⚖️🕊
I push everyone away. I self-sabotage. I isolate. I can't handle people. I: read, drink coffee, pet my cats. You're one of the few I can actually listen to. The long lectures of rage towards me as family scapegoat, left me emotionally crippled. (Physical, emotional, mental, sexual, and spiritual abuse)
You're taking care of yourself. Remember that. It might not be workable for you but I suggest you remember the simple fact that you are protecting yourself and that is self love, as weird as it feels and looks.
Great topic. As someone who's had 3 decades of therapy, there are STILL blind spots that are sort of shocking when they finally become clear. I discovered one a couple of weeks ago - looking for validation from co-workers. Ugh. It's embarrassing and horrible to discover, but not as horrible as the thought of continuing to do it.
I may be pointing out my own blind spot - but isn't seeking at least a little validation from a co-worker kind of human ?! I don't mean I expect everyone at work to be my pal, but, I don't want to work with cold robots either !
@@m.maclellan7147 I think it's human! In my case, I was tending to look for too much from not-very-carefully-selected co-workers (without realizing it) then getting burned. Now that the blind spot is visible to me, I only might seek a little validation from people I can trust, which right now is no one at my job.
“It’s embarrassing and horrible to discover”… that’s a shame core wound is talking. While I can relate, and have been so amazed, surprised (and sometimes hard on myself too) for being so blind in areas… to have compassion for not knowing is key. We were conditioned/programmed to not “see” certain things. Like a miscalibrated red flag meter! I’m in my late 40’s and have been in therapy off/on for decades too…finally have a really good therapist. Having had programming that is so entrenched (and unknowingly reinforced) makes it take a while to undo, especially as so much is automatic in the nervous system. I only found out in the last 1-2 years about emotional dysregulation…and how that is a key aspect of my issues. I was initially embarrassed at that too…as I have strong narratives about that sort of thing. Challenging our narratives is ongoing and crucial. As I imagine you know! I also discovered my attachment style in the last 3-4 years. Wow. Life changing. It helped make sense of so much. I have fearful avoidant attachment leaning dismissive (even more so after a very dismissive partner). I also realized that we can only attract the level of love we contain towards ourselves. That was revolutionary. Since I dismissed myself, ignored my own needs and boundaries (unconsciously)…that’s what I attracted. This journey is a process. Sometimes in kicks and starts. Sometimes huge growth. Sometimes backslides and sideways moves. Sometimes huge epiphanies that almost render us paralyzed. Sometimes huge epiphanies that help us transcend all, for a moment! Be gracious to yourself! It’s amazing and beautiful that you are doing the work. It’s a brave thing. 💫💛
“Shaming as a recreational activity “, this is huge for me-this was the huge family game going as far as sexual abuse in the family and then shaming the victim. This is opening my eyes and my heart-thank you I’m going to finish listening 😊
I honestly feel so defeated. I’ve been going to therapy for a year and keeping up with your videos and I STILL can’t break free from my abusive situations. I had a dad who was chaotic and angry and mean and abusive but every once in a blue moon would take me to go drive around and get McDonald’s and we’d listen to music and sing together or something and then I’d be chasing that moment for essentially my whole childhood. Somehow I ended up in the exact same situation. Been married for 6 years and get charged, get things thrown at more, get called a stupid b*tch daily, get yelled at for things as simple as going to target to get groceries because I didn’t “plan my day the way he wanted” but he will show the tiniest little bit of the bare minimum and that’s what I chase. It sucks to be completely aware of a situation but too weak to get out. 😞
😔 I typed and erased this 10x. I am not much of a commenter on TH-cam or anywhere for that matter but your comment resonated with me so much. I just wanted to say I was raised by a father that was forever in victim mode and sad sad sad sad..negative. (What I have been taught now is called covert narcissist but I did not know of such things growing up.) With in- between moments of smiling, singing and being happy dad. I was always trying to make him smile and be happy and prove how much I loved him. I've found myself doing it over and over in my life in other relationships. I just left my 6 year abusive relationship in July. You are stronger than you think. I just wanted to say it is possible. It's hard and uncomfortable and scary but I'm so done doing 3x the work that the other person does for their own happiness and mental health. I am so not responsible for making anyone happy. Thankfully! And we totally deserve happiness ourselves. And not just in tiny moments they choose. I'm sure you've heard it over and over but I still wanted to say you are so worthy of love and kindness. The feels. Best wishes for you! Stay strong! You are not weak. Stay strong! I already know you are cuz it takes a hell of a strong human to put up with some of the things we have put up with! The strength is already in us! Faith you will find your way out before another 6 years goes by my friend. Blessings
You're not weak at all. You're surviving like a champ! It's hard not to get hung up on time lines, but compare that one year of therapy to all the years of trauma. Try not to be so hard on and impatient w yourself. You're much stronger than you see at the moment. And you DESERVE to thrive so never give up on you. xoxo
You are so worth it, feeling good that is! Problem with crappy childhoods is we got used to the pain and we are actually drawn to the folks who will perpetuate that pain, it is just familiar. You are realizing there are other feelings you would like to feel more often. You start to learn how to recognize them and welcome them. You begin to let the pain go. Once you do that pain no longer has a hold and you will be free to just be you, whomever you chose to be. Try to enjoy now and revel in the truth that you are worthy of contentment. Peace
I am so so sorry you are in this situation and don't be hard on yourself, you can't get out without help. Being raised that way takes away your wings or legs or whatever and so you are stuck with any manipulator who came across you and decided to make you their tool. I hope you can at least get in touch with your local women's shelter as a step in the right direction. Good luck.
I definitely see that I can be an intolerant, self righteous lawyer when I feel that a situation is unjust and I do hold them up to super high standards. I really hate that reaction in myself and it's not great for relationships. I love the point about realising that others can be triggered too. This has been so hard to work on because as much as I tell myself to be calm and gentle with people in the future, when I feel that they are taking the piss I jump from 0 -100 in 2 seconds. It's such an impulsive reaction. I used to be taken advantage of all the time in relationships and at some point I did a 180 and became a warrior for my own rights - now I need to put my sword down.
I would very much LOVE to know how you overcame and did that 180 warrior change for your own rights. I have never done this and feel it would liberate me. I commend you on your courage for doing that and also realizing you need to "put your sword down" as you said.
Maybe put the sword back in its sheath at your hip, where it belongs as a symbol of your strength, willingness to defend yourself but pick up a laurel leaf and a mirror? I too have the self righteous lawyer style, and struggle with being used. I started to read Louise Hays and realized this person I am being self righteous on is struggling too, and dealing with damaging conditioning from childhood, compassion.
Stop hating that reaction. And YES it is good for relationships. Change how you see those things and you will better with yourself for being that way. :)
It's really hard to trust myself, especially having autism and having been told constantly I'm "sensitive" and "over-reacting", or on the flip side, I'm not "socially aware" enough to really read people. It really leaves me feeling incredibly anxious and confused. It often leaves me feeling lonely because I'm so afraid of being hurt again that I get frustrated and exhausted and I isolate. I feel like I can't really trust my intuition because I feel like because of my diagnosis, my feelings, experiences and reactions are "wrong", that it's all part of the condition and that I just need to act "normal". Any other autistic trauma survivors experience this?
Yes, rings true. I am on Spectrum, it is a condition of over-learning, I am convinced. Hard to toggle out of behaviors for pleasing one parent to the other. As one grows older this pattern multiplies and builds up with partners, bosses, and friends. Like one’s “manual” is written in eight different languages describing a different customary way to carry out a procedure- all mixed up together. The overwhelm at the thought of interactions and what stuff means, in light of having been burned so much, then gaslighted about it, I feel this is why I am chronically ill.
Yes. When you are constantly checking to see if you’re doing it right, it makes it really easy to mistrust your own body and ignore your own truths. So it’s a easier for someone to abuse you.
Yes, i am too. I ask myself "am I being paranoid? Nobody is perfect" when I start seeing red flags. Sometimes I doubt my reality because I have missed things other people obviously see. Then I can be too sensitive and that can repel even good people away. I don't know if there are people out there for me, It's a very lonely feeling.
I definitely struggle with some of these things, but interestingly not the one about being the last to know or not noticing red flags. I feel like I'm hyper-aware of problematic behavior as I get to know new people or when friends begin to act differently or act out. I think I'm more confused by safe or non-toxic people because I learned early that I had to be very vigilant about others' problems. When others are safe, I don't know how to relate to them since it's not about monitoring and controlling a dangerous situation.
Damn. This this comment hit home. It's not that I don't see red flags--I'm great at seeing red flags--it's that I don't know what to do without them. Red flags are like the fine print at the end of a promotional email, giving me the information that I need to navigate the interaction. If a giveaway for $20 off a $40 purchase doesn't come with a list of terms and conditions, I assume that it's probably a scam, and that after I go to the work of picking out what I want, I'll get to the checkout counter and find out the $20 off is invalid because I spent $40.38 instead of $40 even. The inverse of that logic is that when a new friend arrives 20 minutes late the first time we hang out, and proceeds to talk about herself the entire time, I can see the red flags, but I can also appreciate the parameters it gives me to work with. In a way, I feel safer than ever, because "self-centered with poor time management" tells me exactly what I need to monitor and control. On the other hand, a person who shows up on time, behaves in an appropriate manner, and follows basic norms regarding what to share when will set off every alarm bell in my head, because THAT'S a confusing situation. I'm no longer sure what I should be doing. I'm no longer sure what I should be watching out for. I have no idea if my coupon with that person will be valid or not, because I don't know how to figure out the terms and conditions without the requisite red flags to guide me.
I wanna see the best in people because I had to spend a lot of time with a parent who acted in ways that go against my moral beliefs. This caused me to overlook people's flaws or even let it slide when they were acting toxic towards me. I didn't want to see my parent clearly because I wouldn't like what I would see.
I'll overlook character flaws if a man really loves cats. That was one of my dad's best traits. Can't be a bad guy if he loves cats, or else that would mean maybe my dad's a bad guy too.
I really like you, you see so much. To come out of your own childhood trauma(not to marginalize) and be able to turn around ,see where you've been, then you've educated yourself and share that with us, Thank You for that. I'm really just at the beginning of recovery at 61.
31:16 I know how blessed I am that me and my sister started talking about our childhood a couple years ago and we agreed on everything, remembered the exact same things our mother would deny etc. It feels like I'm not crazy, I didn't imagine it or make it up in my head. Truly a relief. I'm so sorry for people who don't have that.
You are right that not everyone has that with siblings. I don't. Infact they are so screwed up from our childhood I think its wise to cut them off too, one day soon. The only reason I stayed in contact with one of them is they are a horrible parent to their child( and now another one on the way ,she's keeping it despite being unemployed and the bio dad is extremely dangerous. But she hasn't even gotten a restraining order so this guy will likely abuse the baby now. So I stayed in contact (and currently too) ONLY out of concern for her older child hoping to give structure and normalcy to that child when in my home. The problem with that is because of how screwed up her child has become (because of HER actions,she blames it all on the bio dad, but fails to see she is ruining the child) it turns into the child misbehaving at my house &bc my boundaries say kids who misbehave aren't allowed back, she will just not come over for very long periods of time. Because she refuses to discipline her, and thinks I'm in the wrong every single time! My niece literally murdered one of our pets (it was a bird being handfed) by purposely stepping on it and squishing it , to suffocate her/the pet to death! My son witnessed it.. To this day she refuses her child killed an animal and thinks we just assumed that happened. I wanted to be the aunt that my niece can come to when she gets older. But she's getting so mentally screwed up as she gets older (and her mom pits her against people, her own dad, me etc...) my own kids can't stand her (due to her unhealthy mental issues) so now she has her mom thinking my kids hate her when that's not the case at all. I just taught them not to take B.S. and to participate in drama. They don't let their cousin (who is younger by 10yrs+) get away with stuff any different then they don't with their youngest sibling (who is also 10yrs younger). So she thinks when he is being good , she is not and they verbally discipline her (under my supervision & permission) that they are being "mean" . They are 24,18&16 and have watched me do daycare in my home, & I don't expect them to parent her but sometimes they needed to speak up to her, on the spot kwim. It's ore like that. I need to just cut her off for good even if it means never getting to know the neice and nephew again. The new baby should be given up for his safety. If she gives him up for adoption it's the best way to keep him from a future of abuse by his dad , even without all the mess she herself would put that child through. I thought the same thing when she was pregnant with the first one. Completely broke , mostly unemployed the last 11 years, having others support her. And she gets pregnant by a very abusive man, still unemployed, and can't take care of themselves and is getting a dog after already having a cat in a super tiny apartment & having to lock him in a crate every day and night. I can't stand it. My husband would be happy to never see them again. One time she left her stuff at our house too long. We had it locked in the back of his truck after giving her two weeks to come get it. She had her be (at the time) break the lock on his truck,to get to her stuff back. Didn't bother knocking on the door to ask for it. There is no neglect (outwardly for people to see) warranting social services. Only all the things she does that is causing the child MENTAL issues,that will later on cause her to repeat ALL the same things as an adult. I can see it, my husband can see it, my adult &teen kids can see it! My mom and our other sibling refuses to see how badly it's affected my niece because they live two states away. I'm the only one who has physically lived near her this whole time the last 18yrs (niece is 11,but my husband&I wittnesses everything she does wrong&all her issues that long) ,put in the TIME helping her all these years. My mom and sister helped her $wise ,from long distance but have not been here in person to SEE how she operates and why my niece is so screwed up. And she blames her Ex / the dad of the child for literally everything... sure the guy is a total jerk and I know it. But he is NOT to blame for all the issues my niece has. It's her mom! He has been fighting to get custody her whole life, so she can have consistency and stability. Only recently she told my sis he tried dry humping her (sexual abuse grooming) so I can never trust him or support him getting custody, not knowing if she's even telling the truth. Because it came from my sis, not my niece. I don't know if she made it up based on assumptions or if she really told her daddy did that to her. But putting the child first means I have to believe her. I was so close to contacting him and helping him get custody and I find out this supposedly happened. Social services and police didn't pursue it because my niece changed her story after she was questioned by the authorities ,away from her mom. BUT she is the type to lie and say she lied even if it did happen bc she's so shy and afraid to speak up to strangers (a bad trait her mom taught her) . So my own short comings with letting people go, is when children are involved and wanting to help them so bad.
I cried through this entire video. I’m 42 years old and I feel like my entire life has been characterized and wasted to childhood trauma. I’m HSP, I have parents who invalidate my experience of growing up being emotionally abused and invalidated constantly. I’m always told to this day how I was the bad one, the worst kid of theirs, the problem child, had a narcissistic mother and a father who let her terrorize me and disciplined me for “disrespecting her,” I was sexually abused by my brother from age 5 to 21 and others too I received beatings from wrongdoing, I picked terrible partners, became massively codependent, had no boundaries, felt like not enough or too much at the same time. And I’ve been in therapy off and on since age 24. I’m currently in therapy twice weekly. I have all kinds of issues in my life with money and my career and sustaining heathy romantic relationships and I hate that my family looks at me like I’m just an eff up. When I point anything out from my childhood experience, I get the gaslight. I’m just feeling so stuck and depressed.
From my non-therapist perspective, some people remain in a passive roll but you are working very hard to rise above it. I am very sorry to hear about the layers of abuse and gaslighting you endured. How do you find which way is up? How do you continue to hold on to the truths you know to navigate your way out? How can you learn to see, blind spots? Not that I’m asking, just noticing the challenges I witness you’re going through. You found this channel so at least you have a boat, now acquire the oars. Good luck to you. 🙏🙏 I hope you find peace.
@@doshadial thank you. I feel seen by your words. It has been challenging but I’m realizing I would much rather be defined by my beauty, kindness, talent and the way I show up for my daughter and other loved ones, than my trauma. I’m leaning into the happy moments and learning to quiet the voice that tries to tell me all is lost and that I’ll be struggling forever because that is a lie. The truth is I have made progress and to use your analogy, I have secured the oars. I am so grateful for your comment and the supportive community here.
So many good points here. Being 'too hard' or 'not hard enough' are both ways codependent people may respond to triggers! Who goes to 'lawyer/fight' or who goes to the 'fawn/freeze' is a super valuable model. If you grew up with passive, negligent, or immature parents, of course, you end up a critical, persecuting lawyer, being too hard! Likewise, if the family shuts us down, overpowers us, or ignores boundaries, this may result in not being hard enough, going numb, aloof, and mute. Elegant. Make it OK or Make them Pay.
I think linked to the holding others to an impossible standard is the act of parentifying others because we’ve been shamed when asking for needs. One thing that has helped me move more quickly out of the trigger is that when it fires up to tune into “what do I need right now?” Instead of what does the other person need to become. It’s our way of asking for a good parent that has become so sublimated in our development and we’re conditioned to think of the other person and not ourselves.
I have spoken up towards a highly narcissistic person and that person discarded me. So in that experience, the fear was true. And it's progress I stood up for myself, but it's still an utterly painful experience.
I am grieving this too… it is extremely painful. I know it is showing me I always feared speaking up because I knew I’d be abandoned when did… which shows me I’ve been as alone as I felt all my life. It just hurts to grieve a living person as if they are dead.
I think this happens a lot. Once I started seeing who the narcissists were in my life and started setting boundaries, I ended a few relationships, and a few of them ended their relationship with me. I have some friends that seemly weren't narcissists initially, but with health problems and aging (dementia and / or Covid brain), the friend dynamic has seemly changed to toxic. I am beginning to adjust my views on whether to be a loyal friend when the dynamics change for the worse.
Me too. The person I stood up to (haha. I only asked them to respect a boundary) was a mega “lawyer”. I have discarded them based on their triggered response. I have my own healing to do and don’t need that kind of “friend” to derail the good work I am doing. Good luck to you!
Everytime I watch these videos I get so triggered lol it’s like he hits the nail on the head everytime. Maybe not the first examples, but always one of them. I found that I was aware of bad traits, and I knew they attracted me to them. I would go after some abusive people on purpose because I knew they would make me feel bad. I liked the familiarity, but it got me really hurt. Now I am seeing that I don’t have to put up with that, and nice people who like me do exist. I am still trying to unlearn liking abuse. I still try to pick fights with my significant other so he yells at me because I feel like I deserve it. The concept of love is so foreign to me that I need that element of hate, hurt, and being belittled. My significant other is very good about not doing that, and I’m learning to appreciate that.
I agree with this cause I still see this with my mom and with others. I like that I sometimes get treated nicely but I feel that without the pain or suffering in an immense amount that I am no getting what a deserve, but also familiarity. Because abuse, manipulation and toxicity is all I have really known, so without that it scares me and makes me back pedal.
“Hey are you constantly triggered all the time?” Haha I love your style, Patrick. As always, thanks for the valuable insights that allow me to grow and heal myself and my relationships
Think I've joined more dots from the distant past in the course of these videos than in 25+ years of on/off therapy! Maybe it's because I'm listening, not yacking, but I think it's more down to Patrick's level of skill, and insight from personal experience. If I had to summerise it, I'd say the day i got (and stayed) ill was after I got the biggest trouncings/shocks that i didn't see coming, as a result of wrong decisions I'd made. I must have tacitly decided I couldn't trust myself anymore, and that's where the 'illness' began. I live in fear of being hit by a ton of bricks - in jobs, in friendships, in everything. So at least half of it has to be getting back that trust in my own soundness of judgment. My brother got ill in the same way a few years after me, and couldn't go to school for months. The way he described it was, "I've lost my courage."
I think this happened to me recently. I went to a social group and there were three loud, overpowering, booming voiced, interrupting men there. I instantly felt my energy start to drain because trying to get myself heard over them felt exhausting. I shut down and froze and then spent three days feeling extremely distressed and depressed that I'd not stood up for myself. With other people who aren't particularly bad I can get into self righteous lawyer mode, it's like my inner child thinks 'finally Im standing up for myself' but it's over the top and destructive to relationship building. I feel really bad in both of these modes afterwards.
The roommate analogy was spot on! My roommate has been mostly at her boyfriends house since November and I just feel so much more relaxed in my body, whenever she’s here or drops in I feel my anxiety rise and I never knew exactly why but this makes more sense. I’m more sensitive to toxicity and won’t allow it any more. thanks for your guidance and help. You’re a wonderful healer!
Thank you for sharing these “need to know”revelations. It’s taken me 62 years to finally understand what happened to me. I credit you & a few others for that knowledge, which is critical to sustainable healing. Knowledge is power.
I am so glad I landed here. Had a really great therapist for MANY YEARS…but he retired June 2021. I’m now at a point that THIS IS THE DEEPER LEVEL OF WORK I NEED TO DO NOW.
I loved "were they extra", haha. I have this thought all the time with my mom. She makes everything SUCH a big deal. And it's hard to articulate. But yes, she is so often EXTRA
The sudden feeling of relief after a toxic person is for sure out of your life. ...I didn't know I had all the signs of Cushing Syndrome until my now soon-to-be ex-spouse was out of contact for a month. I lost the knot at the base of my neck, I dropped 30 lbs despite no change in diet, my blood sugar dropped close to normal levels, and my blood pressure became manageable finally. My PCP remarked on just how different I am now Friday compared to when she met me in December. I'm actually responding to antidepressants now!
I was re-traumatized for 3 years by a subject matter expert i was forced to work with when i had a job developing elaearning. It was all blind spots. It literally cost me my physical health.
"We lose the right to be upset" wow, that hit hard... So much of the work I'm doing in my own therapy to heal my childhood is to allow myself to feel angry at all, but the obstacle my brain presents is not allowing me to feel it unless it's "justified." Children should be allowed to have angry outbursts sometimes and be met with compassion and guidance, not silenced and have all anger shut down. The result is all of that anger, justified or no, gets turned inwards as shame, self-blame, low self-esteem, often for a lifetime. Not to mention no radar for what our boundaries are or that we're allowed to hold them!
Can I just say, apart from the always excellent content, I really love the nature scenes in your videos with the music. Please keep those! They're so calming and good at bringing me into the moment.
1. What the blind spots looks like. -Can’t see toxity - Being too hard or not hard enough (if boundaries are crossed) 2. Why it’s not good for you. -Often you don’t see what’s wrong and even when you see it, you second guess yourself. -It may get you into trouble -The dynamic may keep you triggered (which you’re used to going home to the chaos) - isn’t good because ) -Aim is to lessen their tolerance for toxicity 3. Why you struggle with it. -Were your parents moody, toxic.. -Were you taught to put your feelings away. 4. How to work on it Create table - 5 columns i. Create a list difficult toxic people (mom family) ii. List their toxic behaviour (eg likeable but a total mess) iii. What did you want from them (take care of them or feel seen) iv. Was that missing from my parents v. What red flags did you miss in the relationship in the beginning? Aim - part of you always knew. -Not seeing that others are triggered too. (Eg inconsistency or messy with boundaries or not taking a side ) 2. Why it’s not good. - Gives you the core belief that you are the most messed up one in the room. Or always wrong Sim- Reflect and recognise triggeredness in others as practice (eg a person calm even through stressful situation/star employee- but they might be in stress mode/codependent/perfectionist)
The line about not giving up on our abusive parents really hit home. I can concretely say my life improved, when I told myself I would never get closure or affirmation from my mother. Basically "giving up" on her being a better person or addressing the past in a healthy way.
I went through a huge amount of grief when I finally gave up on my father. I think I had always had a belief one day he would see me, validate me, be supportive, whatever. But in his later years when he did start to mellow somewhat ge got so sick he couldn’t help me or anyone. He needed to be cared for 24/7 by my mother. I realised it was too late for any reconciliation or the development of a positive relationship. I was really heartbroken when I came to that realisation. But it’s necessary for healing to face reality.
I will tell anyone else this one thing- acknowledgement doesn't fix anything or make anything easier. I'm different from most here in that my family got help long after I grew up. You know what being validated did?....jack shit. I know what I experienced and have admission and remediation attempts and all the issues are still there. If anything its isolating and lonely because all the maladaptive and backwards things I do are still there but now there is nobody to blame. We both agree "yes it is your fault" but what good does that do? Does it turn back time? Does it do the work for me to reparent? Does it fix anything? In my experience it doesnt. Accepting that while not my fault, my recovery is my responsibility alone. Part of that work is trying to no longer see angels and demons in people. Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have even if its nowhere close to enough. You have to accept that without blame or shame... they did their best at the time with an empty toolbox and it wasn't enough. What are doing about it now?
I really like the third point in your video, I never thought about others being triggered. I mean it's hard to figure out when I feel triggered sometimes. I'll try to use this when I talk to an upset clerk or something. Thank you for providing so much help. Also I cry when the outro music plays, you wave, and you say 'may you be filled with love and kindness'. I swear I heard words like these and felt that empathic energy so little in my life.
Oops. I'm gonna have to stay until the very end. I need that, too. I choke up when that one news guy says 'thanks for watching. you could have been anywhere but you're here with us.' I'm apparently desperate for connection. Also, the late night comedian who says 'stay safe, we love you.'
I woke up thinking about this topic today. I used to be in multiple different friendship groups who I can now see were full of narcissists. The groups look down on anyone poor, with misfortune, fat, not conventionally attractive, lower class, single mothers, the unemployed etc. Because my family were also quite disparaging of less fortunate people these groups felt totally normal to me. It was only when I was diagnosed with depression and signed off work that I realised because they all ditched me! I've had a really hard time feeling like the rejection of these people means that I'm the flawed one, but I can see in hindsight the narcissism in the groups. Thankfully I've also met non narcissistic people who didn't reject me during bad times and instead supported me. These people were always the 'oddballs and misfits' and I'm ashamed to say I used to want to avoid them for fear of social rejection. I can see how flawed my thinking was. I've also repeatedly ended up with narcissistic men for romantic relationships and briefly made friends with a female sociopath in a job before I realised. I'm really isolated now, it's partly to protect myself but I'd love to find some genuine good kind friends, I definitely find it hard to find people like this. I can also relate a lot to the too hard on people/not hard on them enough seesaw, it's challenging to find a middle ground.
I really like the idea of seeing how other people are triggered, I've been through some stuff lately and talking to my friends about it, I've kind of learned not to take what they say as gospel necessarily while stilling knowing they care :) and feeling supported
I find this problem the most challenging when dealing with therapists. They all seem to be faulty after the initial positive session they somehow morph into my toxic parents and I find myself feeling unsafe and running away.
I've had some toxic therapists too...however, I did notice, that once I started getting more open and vulnerable with my latest therapist, who is incredible...My attachment injuries were triggered and I started projecting my issues from my parents onto her and her responses. I realized this retrospectively, with some deep introspection. We want to get away from the toxic therapists...AND we also want to realize that our trauma can "lie" and distort things about some good ones. Our triggered state can't see it though. The catch 22 is that we want to learn to self trust, yet the trauma (when it speaks for us) isn't trustworthy. Can be a conundrum to be aware of. I have fearful avoidant attachment...and the "feeling unsafe and running away" is one of many of my deactivating strategies (subconsciously of course). When we find ways to feel safe, speak our truth, lay out the needs and boundaries...even to our therapists...we start to change. Standing up to a therapist in assertive ways, has been so healing and helpful...especially when it is received well and repair and moving forward happens. Therapy is a chance to have a healing, reparative relationship. The therapist is supposed to allow space for that and model that. Relationships are messy, there is misunderstanding, and we need to be able to advocate for ourselves. This can be triggering, since the original injuries were born out of relationship. This makes any relationship bound to be triggering, by the very nature of the relational injuries. If we can stick it out and get a chance to speak up, "try on" ways of resolving conflict...as there will be some...with a therapist, that can help increase self agency and confidence. If you go in knowing that you WILL get triggered and that you're there to address the relational wounding, healing though a therapeutic relationship, it helps so much. You no longer believe that the therapist is never going to trigger you. You expect it can happen and that the most important part, the evolution, is in facing that, speaking up and moving forward! That was huge for me!
I'm a total fawn and my husband is the lawyer type. He verbally attacks and builds his case, I shut down. I'm terrified that anything I say will be used against me in a court of law. Can't wait to see the codependency video you mentioned. Thank you Patrick!
Thank you for another insightful video. I feel like relationships are impossible for me because I cannot consistently be available for the people I care for. One day I’m smiling, kind and caring, next day I can’t even be in the same room with this person without inwardly breaking down. I can’t fully trust people or consider them safe, but I still want connection. This probably makes me intensely toxic to other people, which drives everyone healthy enough to see that away. I’d really like to break out of this cycle soon.
this explains everything im going through right now, and it is so deeply healing but hurts at the same time kind of like a pressure washer to a plank of wood caked with grime, growth, and gunk
I recognized many of these things in my own life. One parent was abusive (finally professionally diagnosed NPD, BPD, and HPD in recent years) and the other was kind and honest, but used to work long hours, avoiding conflict at home when possible. I honestly think they thought my toxic parent was fine unless they were home. Sadly, that was not the case. I actually have a good read on people and have for most of my life; those skills helped me avoid some of my toxic parent's abuse and also keep my sanity in a home where narrative was always shifting. However, I was conditioned from little on up to keep giving people chances, and did even when I knew better, in part, because my own feelings were always minimized and I was taught to put everyone else first. I'm still trying to undo that. I tend to fawn in conflict but do eventually push back as honestly and tactfully as I can. That's not an issue for most people because with most people, communication is fairly easy. Not with toxic people and when I do push back, they'd claim I am heavy handed. I think it's more about the fact they aren't willing to face a reality other than what they've chosen, and it's another chance for them to play victim and divide people and distract from the issue at hand. That itself is another form of abuse to those around them. A denial of reality and their effect on others. Yeah, most of my triggers (ie lying, negligence, meanness, selfishness, stealing, etc) were experienced growing up, but they are also basic rights and wrongs, too. Whether it's projection, hypocrisy, or both, I find so many of the toxic people accuse and harshly judge others for things they themselves have done or are doing. That bothers me, too.
Wow! This video has been the most helpful to me so far. I really struggle with not only recognizing toxic people, but feeling guilty when I decide I can't tolerate their friendship. Thank you so much for the work you put into helping others. You are a blessing and a light in this world.
I find it important to add, tha siblings and people emotionally, physicaly, and spiritually near to have similar if not the same effect on you as your parents. :) Thx for ur clear conveyed content
Something to note, for all of those who deal with #1. Just because others can't see that person is toxic doesn't mean they aren't. Plausible deniability is just a form of crazy making behavior that toxic people use to manipulate everyone. You'll encounter a lot of of these people. You're not crazy and you're not wrong. Trust. Your. Gut. and run.
Fantastic! I can’t believe how much your words resonate and validate what I have been feeling my entire life. Thank you for doing these shows and helping others, myself included, to find the way out of the fog.
"'Not today, Satan' energy" made me actually laugh out loud. Thank you for these videos. I needed them in my healing journey. I watched your 7 types of toxic family systems video with my therapist.
#2 hit pretty hard, especially the part about someone going into "lawyer mode" during conflict. I have a parent like that, so unsurprisingly this video has helped me realize that I have a tendency of not being hard enough on others 😅
I am very much a combination of holding others to an impossible standard and getting quiet and inwardly upset when triggered. And then he explained how parents behavior impacts these... My mom was dismissive and didn't allow me to express my feelings, but also was a doormat. Never said no to extra requests at work. I dunno, this might have been one of the most relatable episodes yet! Also I've made improvements like speaking up for myself on my own, but can't remember what I changed to do so! How am I supposed to help my friends if I can't even remember how *I* did things? 😆
@@elfglow4557 There's always time to heal. Being aware of the issues is already a part of it. You can definitely get where you want to be, I believe in you!
@@adimeter For friends? Of course I'm not going to spoil their own learning, but if someone comes to me with specific problems where my experience would benefit I'm not just going to leave them hanging. Especially if knowing something beforehand could help avoid serious harm.
The way you describe your mom. Imagine that mom hugging you saying it's OK, its ok over &over after you cry or have a tantrum for not getting your way , never saying no to you and then you witnessing her never say no to others to the point she gets phtsically abused (hit,kicked,bitten ,breaking the skin kind of bites) by men right in front of you. Imagine if your mom was so insecure she was unable to allow you to learn to sleep in your own bed so you sleep in her bed til your practically a teenager. AND on top of that all, she let's men sleep in YOUR bed,when they sleep over. She never takes you to the playground or does kid stuff with you, constantly vilified your dad and blames him for ALL your issues and her issues. That is my sibling and what she has done to her daughter. My husband&I can see how badly it has affected her. When something doesn't go her way she cries and gets overly upset instead of speaking UP . When she is in the wrong and others speak up to her (respectful) ,like myself her cousins her teacher,friends. . She has a meltdown again crying and thinks the other person is "mean" because mom has NEVER held her accountable for her actions when she's done wrong. When she was a toddler, she had a rule we were not allowed to use the word no with her ! I was so afraid she would end up being sexually abused one day because she is so fragile emotionally , and has never learned to speak UP , or talk about feelings or talk about when SHE herself is wrong and that's ok to make mistakes. So now she's a self hating , depressed child in therapy who's mom still never changed. She can't barely socialize around other kids, because soon as anything goes wrong instead of handling it on the spot she waits a long time to tell her mom. When she does mom takes her side completely (even when she's in the wrong 100%) and it never gets talked about. It's gotten to the point she can't come over without trying to get into some kind of trouble with my son (but he will tell on her or try to stop it,or go along with it bc he's special needs & nieve) so I can't leave her alone with my youngest (who is 1yr younger,but special needs asd so not on her level agewise) but my older kids can not deal with her. If she's not being "bad" she is holding in information about stuff that's bothering her and then blames the wrong people. Maybe you can understand and see why I am so concerned for her. Oh and news flash... my predictions about her being molested may have come true...sadly . It's gotten that out of hand. Because you said how your mom was. And it's so much like my sis is with her child but worse. I wish my family would beleive me. I tried to tell our mom and other sibling how badly screwed up my niece is becoming (and will be) as a teen and adult. And why it is such a terrible idea they are supporting my sis keep the inborn baby ,and not pushing her for adoption for the best interest of the baby's future. If you are on here because you know how bad your parent/s messed you up you can imagine why it's so important for people like my sis to let go and allow someone else to raise the baby. She's also been on&off being unemployed literally her older child's whole life, always struggling and jumping from one abusive man to the next constantly moving every year or two. So about every two years they end up moving (always from an abusive ex and/or poverty).This is the perfect recipe to totally s rew up this baby boy. She already has very unhealthy relationships with men, stated her disappointment in the baby not being a boy and she isn't going to screw him up? Holy crap this little baby boy is going to be even worse off than his older sister, in the future if she doesn't give him up for adoption ! But she is keeping the baby.
Thank you for the excellent insightful video. As an adult from a traumatic childhood hood I had so many blind spots concerning abusive people, but I am learning and I have been able to distance myself from such relationships to be at peace and enjoy life. Life is short and the childhood baggage is heavy and painful, but with God's help we can grow and heal and be healthy, and keep learning because the truth sets us free!
"Maybe I'm just utterly insensitive and too demanding...." Many examples Aged 18 my mother at my Father's funeral called me utterly selfish when I cried... When I tried to speak to my brother at my Mums funeral when he invited a friend who had nothing to do with our family who after the funeral tried to push us together to take pictures...crazy making..,I was excluded from speaking about my Mum....I asked the funeral director and she gave me space,,,I said I truly loved my mum but she was a very challenging person.,and caused me and others pain..,that's honest...
This is an insightful look into what mistakes we could be making in our relationships. I ask myself questions when I feel triggered, like," Why do I feel this way?" Also," Where is this coming from?" I have made many mistakes over the years, but hope to become more grounded and centered in the golden years.
After watching three of your videos about relationships and trauma, I immediately realized from the first time you mentioned it that I'm the lawyer type. With the reason being that I see love as a battlefield like it has to be something that should be fought for and be desperate about because my parents only cared about me when I'm fighting for my needs and crying. I thought I'm over seeking other people's validation but really it took another form, an aggressive form which I'm not proud of. I observed in my parent's fighting styles from when I was a kid, they would fight and make up happier. But then, when I became an adult, they went from conflict resolution to conflict avoidant. I always see them getting triggered but would not talk about it. So I thought maybe fighting is the better option. I will be provoking fights in every trigger as to avoid the relationship my parents have where my father is always on edge and my mother acts like a child and they both choose to ignore it. So, I always see trigger points and would always want to solve it AT THAT MOMENT. So I go into lawyer mode in a way to not avoid the conflict. Also because my whole extended family ignore the fact that my alcoholic selfish uncle always ruins the gathering. Which fucked up with my reality like, "are we gonna do something about this?" And they never do, as to my family about my mom and her controlling issues and childish narcissistic tendencies. So, when there's conflict, I always go lawyer mode to solve it immediately. And I do see the aggressiveness in that but I just never knew how deep the reason was. I go into Lawyer mode because yes I feel alone in the conflict, I'm the only one seeing the wrong and at the same time I feel that no one's gonna resolve the conflict if not me so I fight to no ends of the earth. And I don't want this little thing to mess up the relationship so I want to acknowledge it quicker but I miss the part where it's a little thing. That's also a problem for me, I'm hypervigelant to triggers because I want to know the littlest trigger from my mom and avoid her while it's still little. But I don't realize that other people's little trigger on me won't blow up to an abuse everytime. So, I don't have to be on fight mode all the time. It's true that I sometimes picture my partner as my abusive caregiver because I feel that i should always be on protect mode because anyone who's attempting to love me, wants to abuse me too. I think the "authenticiy" question is helpful. I should recognise what's authentic and inauthentic in a person as to not be in a fight mode all the time. As always, thank you so much! This gave me a big sigh of relief on being aware.
I was seeing this guy. Full of rules. It made it into a challenge for me. "Only if i get it right and make the right moves, then i can unlock his love and approval and affection" aka conditional love. Not being loved for who i am. But who i need to be. Childhood core pain.
I literally blind to anyone who might be bad for me. Its horrible, feels better to be alone. But at the same time I'm desperate to be "protected". If I was born male, I would have physical strength to stand up for myself.
As a male, I can say it's equally powerless to be a 3~13 year old dealing with psychological, emotional and even physical abuse. Me and my older sister had to walk on egg shells with our stay-at-home Mom. The crime of playing too loudly would turn old smaog into a rage dragon with a wooden spoon, flying out of the kitchen within a fraction of a second. My sister became her pet and supply. I was bewildered and shut down. Which got me unlimited amounts of abuse from the two of them, my sister blaming me to keep the wrath off of her. Oh, it gets worse. My mom "homeschooled" us all. So, I have a 4th grade education. Well, that's an exaggeration. I never finished the 4th grade. I was threatened to be sent to school if I didn't do my homeschool work. But I had already shut down half a lifetime before I started 1st grade... What a psycho idiot! A masters of education and math wiz couldn't even teach her own son how to do long division. 😂 what an idiot...
This shook me quite well. I was always in those relationships where I was providing love and support to the partner, while he hated me for 20 days and cared for me for one. I have this gift to tirelessly search for bits of light in others and finding reasons why they are like they are, even if inherently bad and horrible to others. And when I finally found a great partner who was willing to work out, I guilt-tripped myself into a spiral of not deserving to be loved, and he backed off because he too is kinda messed up, but he pushed all his insecurities under the surface, until everything jumped out and he walled himself out of fear as well. It's a hectic and rocky road in front of me and I am genuinely scared to see what will happen next, yet I am willing to work it out. It's me... and my problematic views on myself, being a scared, wounded and lost child deep inside. Thanks for helping me wake up, Patrick!
Started codependency inner work during dating. Because I grew up in a toxic home with two narc parents, I did not know what a trauma bond was yet. The watching of many videos, I went Grey Rock with the covert narcissist. He ended ( discarded me) because I discovered who he was however, I couldn't let him go the first time he manipulated me. I did not know that it was an addiction. That push and pull gave me anxiety. I had many Blindspot. I now have boundaries to protect myself whether they are toxic or not. I am learning to be accountable with myself, accepting myself and loving me. No more people pleasing. His discard was a gift. I am healing now. I went 0 contact with him.
I love how you have the gift to explain things like no one I've ever er heard! Thank you for helping me understand why I've always ignored the red flags and chosen toxic people. I stuck with them thinking it was me! Repeat of my alcoholic mother. My last choice emotionally unavailable. What a process!
What pushed me to end a toxic friendship was me becoming a mother. Maybe I could endure it or tolerate it when it was me taking care of me, but with my twins relying on my emotional house being in order, that friendship needed to go. Mama bear mode activated.
The timeliness of this video has given me a great deal of insight into a current struggle with a close friend. I see better now how we unknowingly have been triggering each other
You touch on all of it. I'm not perfect but over the past 12 years (lots of therapy, marrying a good man and having children, and going no contact with a BPD mother) I have done a lot of healing and each of these issues I distinctly remember realizing and working on. Specifically how obvious toxic people are to me now and trusting my intuition, aka, not questioning if I AM the one who is wrong, but just recognizing the crazy in others. Such a relief. I'd also note that in my healing, especially in the beginning, I oscillated between being too hard and not hard enough. I'd say now I've reached a good balance...most of the time! I can see the gray areas in people more often, though my tolerance for "taking their issues on" is way less. Healing is possible, you just need patience and the willingness to be seen as "the jerk" in your family (but the more boundaries you set and more healing you do, the less their opinions will matter). 🤗 PS: Great videos with lots of good takeaways! Sent a couple of the role playing ones to my brother.
"... childhoods where no one talks about what's going on." Oh God yes. You are helping me re-enter the dating world more safely. I can't thank you enough.
I quit my family, which is a lot, literally, 5 brothers and my only sister who aided my ex-husband in trying to take my kids from me, it didn't work. I like to consider myself as the 'truth teller'. You can tell when I am telling the truth, that is when their bellowing begins. I told my mother I hated her. What she did to me was so much worse than telling one's mother you hate her, (not one of my proudest achievements believe me) but you would think it was the absolute worse thing one could ever do. As I said, I am the truth teller.
“Shame tells us that we are bad for not tolerating difficult people better” - wow, that hit home. Still watching...
Absolutely loved that.
Omg.......that's totally me.
I don't work because I can't tolerate difficult people. Have an income anyway so not massive problem for me. But I feel a lot of shame about not working...
@@SophiesWorld2024 don't be ashamed that you don't work, you are creating an opportunity for someone else.
@@resurgem Thank you ❤️
In my 30s I was at dinner with my cousin and she blurted out completely out of the blue "I'm sorry your dad was always mean to you, he was always nice to all the other kids but he acted like he hated you". It was a weird feeling of being validated.
I had similar observations by cousins and childhood friends. It was jarring because I wondered how many adults noticed this and did nothing.
It happened the same thing with my mother, but I never told about it because I thought that nobody was going to believe me, then once, my big brother told me that it had always called his attention that my mother was like that to me.
Yes I had same two parents of kids at my daughters school said they did not like my mother found her grumpy and judgmental really helped me as I was obsessed with being loyal to her a duty thing that she pushed
@@margaretames6522 My own sibling (the only one of 3 who was treated normally, as they should have been treated, as a child) still to this day has no idea what it is like and even though they witnessed the abuse (out right physical & verbal abuse) of us other ones, and STILL has a very twisted view things. This person(sibling) maintained a relationship, and even their own kids have relationships with the grandpa our bio dad( I call him bio, bc he didn't raise me, he hated&abused me) . Even our mom who divorced him 20yrs+ ago got back in touch with him and has a (toxic, but long distance) friendship. I had to hear from my mom how she went to visit him and how he said very rude or toxic things to her AND my other sibling (who was abused worse than me, but also maintained a relationship with him,stupidly I think). All three of them (my mom and siblings) have always thought I was in the wrong for cutting him out my life (I did a clean cut off, just blocked him&never spoke/saw him again) in 2009. The sibling who was not abused by him, thinks they are an expert in psychology from watching videos like these,reading books and doing her own therapy and that I am literally a sociopath/Pychopath because I had no problem cutting him off , and have stricter boundaries than they do. I don't make friends with just anybody , do not trust people (in a healthy way, VS too blindly & gullible like our other sibling). Our other sibling who was abused worse, has been in 1 abusive relationship after the next, trusts people easily, makes friends easily (all the wrong people, who take advantage ,abuse or steal&lie ) has all kinds of issues . Is the biggest narcissistic themselves, but goes around a cussing everyone else of being a narcissistic, all the while claiming they are an "empath" Bull*hit! The "empath" crap they both talk about they think they are, is really just their failure at reading people properly, and trusting the wrong people due to ASSuming what their feeling is what someone else is feeling. Even if I had super powers to feel other people's emotions (UM that's just empathy,&I know how to "put myself in others shoes" also) it wouldn't make me CARE about someone who doesn't give two craps about me ,and is NOT a nice person. Feeling sorry for bad/mean people is no excuse and does NOT make you (or them in this case) an "empath" . But this person refuses to SEE 👀 that the bio dad never changed ! I hear reports from them what he does or says. I know. I cut him off because I couldn't leave my kids alone with him without concern over him spanking (I didn't allow others to spank them even back when I used to believe in it) or being verbally abusive,towards my kids. He really affected my oldest to the point that as a grown adult in his twenties he has nothing to do with him. I told my kids when they turn 18 or are mature enough (and big&strong adults) to stand up to their grampa ,it's up to them if they want to re connect with him,because they will be grown men and less chance of being physically hurt by him .so it wouldn't only be verbal. Well, when my oldest was around 18 or 19 he got ahold of him somehow (I think thru Fb) found his phone # and called him up just to say he never wanted anything to do with him bc of how he affected my life and his. Yet my siblings still see him, and allow their small children around him unsupervised. And they don't SEE how unhealthy& stressful is it to remain in contact like they do. So I'm the one who gets blamed for cutting him off in 2009. As if I'm this cold hearted person who "hates" him. Thing is I did the cut off after forgiving him. I did it out of the best interest of my kids bc they all were small at the time. My middle is 16,and has no memory of him. My youngest knows who is now bc he was staying the night at my (non abused) siblings house and grampa came over for Christmas to visit and I knew he would be nice bc he was in her house&had never met my youngest. There was an overlap of maybe 1 hour between when he left&I was coming to pick him back up. I told him who he was and why I don't associate with him. Hes 10 and although special needs, seemed to understand. He knows I got punched,kicked, told I was stupid etc... by this guy but that he was also nice but he isn't to be trusted around kids (for their safety) because of how he hurt us growing up. So to answer why do people notice but not do/say anything.... well as long they themselves are treated nicely they won't care, unless they are already a caring person who is not afraid to speak up. My sibling was treated right/loved/given everything they should have so in their mind it's more of "well I was treated right." Nevermind what the person did to others. To me personally if I find out someone who is nice to me, treats others like crap they are NO friend/association of mine.
Wow! What a gift they gave you!
"#1 Not seeing Toxicity" is touched on in Bojack Horseman, 2x10.
"I guess when you're wearing rose colored glasses, all the Red Flags just look like flags."
I love this quote! It’s so true.
fellow bojack horseman appreciator, it's only fitting you must come here
The neurological reason for this is that the brain in love releases the feel good hormones and suppresses the logical thinking part. It's biologically tough to delve into what we may have an inkling is a red flag because it feels like a minimal nuisance easily overridden by all the positives from the high
@@reaverkai it’s sort of like my analogy from the birthday book I’d read with friends in our twenties about the new guys we were dating. It would tell their astrological pros and cons on one page and then the adjacent page it would say “but those highly evolved born on this day” and then go on to describe who you hoped and thought you were dating in the beginning of a relationship lol. In the end however he was always the guy from page one for sure lol!
Lol it looks like such a ridiculous cartoon from the thumbnails but sounds like it’s something pretty good 😊
My sister once had a coworker tell her that she should train other people how to stay calm under pressure, because nothing phases her. She responded, "I don't think it would be ethical for me to train other people to be this way."
Co workers have described me as “steady”, which is a compliment, and I think I take a healthy pride in that somewhat. BUT-I’m not feeling steady on the inside. I imagine my feelings are akin to how it might feel in a very unsafe chaotic situation, like combat. Where you know that your safety and maybe that of others lies with YOU and YOUR ability to get through the crisis with complete skill. Basically, you have to keep your head straight while everyone else is losing theirs.
It’s good to know how to do this if the situation happens occasionally, but when it’s a whole constant dynamic, it’s chronically stressful, and a huge imbalance-of power, of fairness, etc. And yeah, it’s not a dynamic we’d want to encourage others to strive for.
@@bunnyvelour2820 Yes. My therapist has described me as approaching life's problems by preparing for war. And it's true. I've experienced enough dire situations in my life that I don't mess around. If a problem comes up, I gear up and attack it before it can get out of hand. It's my super power - I have a keen sense of what needs to be done, and a strong motivation to do whatever it takes to survive. But I've paid dearly to get where I am.
@@CitizenPlane getting out the flame thrower to light the birthday candles
@@CitizenPlane Ditto to everything you said Minus the therapist stuff.
@@bunnyvelour2820 I have been described the same way by pretty much every close friend and in every work environment since I was a teen. It always hurts a little when I am told this because that level of disconnect from my emotions came from so much emotional pain. Knowing that it's so chronic that everyone can see makes me really sad.
I always say to my brother, "it's because we raised ourselves while wrangling monsters" when people say how we handle awful people so well, the thing we don't talk about is the complete self abandonment that goes along with that
And that we have no aversion to monsters and see them as normal, and probably all we deserve
@@catliciousoz 😢
@@catliciousozThat’s a tough one, love.
Very well expressed. And what amazes me is that there were friends who managed to see us. As well as the ones who see us as an opportunity to take advantage. .let me count the ways. Whats really scary us the expression on my face as a very young child who knows as pretty as I looked in pink dress and bonnet I was not included in the picture. Maybe thats why I so enjoy dressing up in my own style. Not to difficult to see just to face.👩🎤💥
I’m the only one in my family who adopt the not-hard-enough attitude. All my other siblings take the other one. But we were raised by the same parents, in the same environment
"Our childhoods are usually very lonely experiences and no one is real about what's going on and therefore we are second guessing reality all the time".
You feel numb, trying to catch something that you barely can see or understand, while everyone ignores you, laughs at you or dismiss you, calling you crazy. If you insist, they can even yell at you. You feel confused, hurt, anxious.... Finally numb. They blame you and you believe them. You tell yourself a story to make them look good. Your try to "save them", justify them... While you shut down yourself, cut your voice until you feel guilty of using it. "I have to be good. That will make everything better. I have to find the key, why everything is like that and help everybody. I have to be understanding. I have to be nice."
Everything was so messed up.
I can see now how this "being good" was simply repression in a hurtful unloving environment. Survival.
It hurts. It is still hurting.
I want to yell so badly.
Maybe you need to go yell on the top of a mountain. I sing loudly because they stole my voice and I decided to take it back when I turned 50.
@@lambsauce1468 🫂❤️
WORD
This is beautifully written understanding of what it was like. Thank you.
It hurt to read this but it's like hearing my own heart speaking through your words.
"Giving up on the potential of somebody" - wow - that is HUGE! It took me a lifetime. Well said, Patrick. Thanks for your excellent work.
Hoping for someone’s potential, they look good on paper but they are emotionally immature and a repeated source of disappointment. My mistakes: idealization, not seeing the spade was a spade and unrealistic expectations. The best thing I did was go no contact and try to identify the red flags.
I think Ariana Grande’s song “in my head” will be very relatable for anyone who resonates with this.
Thank you so very much for this content . I spent my life trying to get my sisters to see me. I just kept thinking if I could find the right words, or the right way to communicate ,they
would understand my good intent and love..
Sadly I looked to therapy in the wrong person. My childhood trauma kept me from listening to the red flags. Never was I given insight, knowledge or a guide to get an understanding of how I could help myself. Finally, I found a different therapist who was all about knowledge, and the power to work for your best good and growth.
Bless you for getting this important love saving information out there
I realized that I was in love with the potential of a relationship and not seeing the reality.
Yes, HUUUUGE. I tended to "fall in love" with someone's so called *potential* vs being able to see the REALITIES of what was going on.
Wow is all I can say. Met a lot of counselors in my pursuit of healing but I must say this man is one of two in 40 plus years who is absolutely what others in their craft should aspire to become. I subscribed within the first 5 minutes. Thank you Patriick you are a treasure.
I agree 💯%
I agree! 💯
I completely agree, I am 52 yrs old
I'm 59, and after decades of seeking help and guidance from online forums, Patrick is the one that prevails over the handful of experts I subscribed to. He makes no bones about it, and no sugar-coating of reality.
Agreed. I’m fortunate that my current counsellor is also one that I’ve returned to many times as she’s so intuitive and helpful. (Maternity leaves had me seeing other counsellors that didn’t work out). I can’t see a male therapist or even doctor in person, so I’m at a…disadvantage I guess is the word.
These are so helpful, even if I’m sobbing most of the time. But he is so validating and illuminating. 🙏🏽
As abused people we kinda have to deny the flags we couldn’t escape. Now seeing them is scary. Am I too sensitive? I’m learning to trust my own thoughts and feelings and acting accordingly.
It's so hard to trust yourself when you've spent your whole life ignoring red flags because you didn't have a choice.
That’s very much the state I’m in. But it’s terrifying to see it in my sisters who are codependent
No, you're not too sensitive. Your brain mapped those things as dangerous so looking at them now is bound to bring up fear. In time, your brain will learn from experience that it's now safe to look at them and it will rewire so the fear will naturally reduce.
No you are not too sensitive... and i understand. I hope you grow to trust yourself more and not gaslight yourseld
if I may add, I noticed I'm often stuck in tunnel vision/blinds spots because there's no easy solution in sight. So my inner child prefers to hide reality that I don't like because it doesn't know what to do with it, it seems too hard to deal with. These things happen at the speed of light, if I'm not paying attention I might miss a lot of stuff.
I now see why I “ghost” some people in my life. With them I was in a constant triggered state. I couldn’t take it anymore. Unfortunately I didn’t verbalize to them before or after I “ghosted” them. I just bolted and felt a weird combo of relief and guilt….
Me too. me too. me too......
Yup
It's pretty hard to be real with people when being real means you have to tell them their whole being is a trigger to you.. I told my ex that and he gets to just put the bitch label on me
I am going through exactly what you described in your reply at this time with my toxic sister ~
Well said !
I see nothing wrong with ghosting a toxic person. If you open up to them they'll traumatise you even more.
Wow, SO PROFOUND!! Guiding your clients to "lessen their tolerance for toxicity" at first seems counterintuitive. Like it seems that having a high tolerance shows great maturity and life experience to be able to bear stressful situations. But having hardness from life's situations as a means of survival/protection can also have negative long-term side affects such as numbness of emotions/feelings and complications with other future relationships. Patrick, sharing your experiences with us from your practice is incredibly meaningful. THANK YOU!!
Fo real. He covered all the true motives and pitfalls involved in our perpetuated suffering. The info graphs, the outlines, I have a ton of personal experience to back this video up. NOW i dont feel like endeavoring to see a psychologist is going to be so nebulous to me or unrewarding. Now i want to see a psychologist to help me to be prepared for my future.
As well as negative physical health implications!
Funny, meterphorically speaking, I feel like I've grown a few inches. Meaning, I've been holding my breath for years. Not reaching my full air capacity or the ability to see the truth, know the truth, fell the truth, My sighs are a sign to me of stress being released. Healing is so freeing. Imagine yourself as a bird flying high in the sky. Lol Sorry, to get weird. I'm giddy right now. 😆 Sharing this on fb and to my son as well. For this old girl (60) I am so blessed that my son of 39 has been so patient and tolllerant with me. He's healing too. Generational garbage has been our family history.
@@celesteinman56 I almost feel like the family "Motto" should be "The toxic stops here!!!" ;) Keep going. Be proud of you ! (58 years old. Childless by choice.)
Exactly! I thought i was being kind and tolerant.
My mother, a narcissist, said when I told her about the abuse I suffered from my stepfather 'I wondered why he was so mean to you.' A flash of insight gone in a micro-second. Strangely validating and also horrific because why wouldn't a mother support and defend her daughter in an obviously abusive situation? Because she was a narcissist and could dismiss what was happening to me as something that didn't affect her and was therefore not important.
My "Aunt" said to me on my Mothers deathbed, "Did you father feel touch you? I know he used to feel up your cousin Debbie"?
"WHY NOW AUNT LIZ!?"
Hugs to the both of you. It's horrible when family is the toxic relationship. 😢
Same. 😢
Hi, your insight is eye-opening for me.
Thank you for sharing. ❤
I always wondered what the devil's advocate thing was all about. I didn't know it was narcissism or codependency. My mother does the same thing. When I had awful teachers I complained from, she'd tell me I was wrong because "she knew I wasn't studying enough" and that was why they were treating me poorly. If I had a toxic boss, it was "well, you've always been cold and mean-looking, you probably did something to tick her off", when everyone at work agreed boss was crazy. She never ever once just heard my side, saw how upset I was, and trusted me unconditionally or at least put aside her suspicions to comfort me. It was always "but what did YOU do?"
Dear Patrick, it's been a just over 2 years ago cut off the toxic family members a parent and a sibling. What made me do this for me is they used and abused me .I was the Family slave.I would be punished if I didn't do as ordered. I did have a childhood. Now at 70years I am having a true fulfilled life it's getting better listening to you. ❤🙏
You were the family scapegoat family issues got projected onto you. Good job for walking away.
I’m so proud of you for being able and strong enough to cut them off. Also, happy for your true fulfilled life.
I had tears reading your words; I am so glad you walked away from those who were hurting you 🙏🏻💜✨
Thanks for caring and loving understanding words in your comments Dear Friends 🌏🌍🌎❤🙏
Good for you. Wishing you luck on your journey forward 🙏
The toxic person will sometimes say “it’s so great that you only see the good in people”
I never realized that while that is a positive attribute it’s also not really helpful in relationships. When I look back it was horrible to not catch red flags and feel important enough to address them. I think the shock is when I would end up finding out they are cheating and I missed all the signs that should have been painfully obvious. It goes back to that lack of confidence in my perception from the constant gas lighting growing up.
@@JoseRRodriguez uhm...what?!?
Learned to read yet?
wow, "using optimism as a spiritual bypass to avoid painful feelings" & "being triggered out of their minds". What a perspective and so true.!
"Sometimes humans are super shady and you miss it ". That made me laugh! Awesome video, thank you.
I missed that, gonna re-watch this valuable video over and over!
I can fawn, usually once in a friendship/relationship boundaries get blurred ("but what if I'm wrong" second guessing syndrome). I'm more hard/aggressive with strangers/business. The "taking the first person who will have me" (at 15 yrs old)...so spot on. Oh I get it now. When raised with raging, bullying parents, it's like you're drowning and u grasp for the closest floating object. Little do we know we just jumped from the frying pan into the fire. 🥺 Wiser now.
yes. any validation was enough and for me it was a legal adult when I was fifteen now I have to deal w that load of bs too
"When we know better, we do better." - Maya Angelou
Dude... you literally just told my M.O.
well said. especially the “from the frying pan to the fire”
Yep I swing madly between questioning whether I have the right to be mad and hair-on-fire PISSED. It makes me look bipolar. I need to distance myself from this person.
Brilliant channel 👏
I hope this guy has awareness around just how brilliant he is. Please universe send this guy loads of money so he has time to sit around and come up with more and more excellent content to help people all over the world. Absolute gold we've hit on here!
Amen
I agree. He is very good at articulating what felt normal,but it wasn’t normal. We just can’t feel or see it.
He is brilliant! !!!! love his work.
Totally agree! He’s helped me so much like nothing has before
As part of the universe I will pass this along!! 🥰
Once you finally start to "see" these blind-spots and then recount an experience to a friend or therapist , it is when THEY start to second guess you by saying things like "I'm sure they didn't mean it that way," or "Don't you think you're reading too much into this?" And I think to myself "No, actually, I'm not. I can finally see X for what it is." It's difficult though, because as soon as you stop second guessing yourself, others start. It takes an even stronger conviction than for most. And then of course there's some shame that goes along with someone second guessing you as sort of the proverbial "cherry on top." Would love a video on this please! Nodding my head the whole way through this video.Thank you!
It sounds like you have the wrong friends, or people who've had better life experiences than you. I wouldn't divulge to much to them because they can't relate to you.
I think this is spot on! I am being sorta diagnosed as BPD! I was in full blown PTSD hypervigilant mode and the "therapist" tried to hint I was BPD! You sit there and are like, "MY GOD do you people NOT KNOW BAD PEOPLE!" It's crazy making!
Oof-new therapist! You deserve better.
@@janettemartin4604 Get a new therapist and become your own best friend that knows when to call b.s. on people like that. Find good people and a therapist that gets it like Patrick. Labelling someone as bpd, or any other label is super unhelpful and the therapist is being lazy. It's easier to slap a label on someone and write an Rx than it is to take the time to work with someone and get to the root cause. Take good care, ox
Oh I hear ya! Gaslighting is the worst!! My best friend did this to me for years with some mutual friends. I got rid of the mutual friends that were way toxic and emotionally abusive. The best friend doesn't gaslight anymore. I had to keep telling her flat out that she is wrong and what these friends were doing to me was wrong over and over until she understood. I contemplated ending that friendship as well but we both fought to keep it. You're right you have to stand your ground. My friend has her own trauma and has trouble seeing the abuse of other people and her role as an enabler.
3:52 #1 not recognizing toxicity in others
10:15 why it's not good
11:22 how to work with it
15:58 #2 being too hard or not hard enough to others
22:44 why it's not good
25:34 how to work with it
27:46 #3 not seeing that others are triggered too
30:40 why it's not good
33:22 how to work with it
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thanks as this is super helpful as I wanted to take notes 📝
This is a very helpful video
Thank you
I am the kind of person that’s too hard on people. I definitely have the “not today satan” mentality. I’ve known for awhile that the anger I express in situations at times, I have a absolute right to be angry but not to the degree at which I got angry. And after all the rage I fall into a deep depression, where I don’t eat and even don’t go to work. Because I get so sad about myself because I realize I’m abusing myself in doing those things. And I realized I’m also being abusive. I realized the anger is built up rage from all the horrible bullshit I dealt with my family not just my immediate either. And not just my parents.
I went thru a period where I went full rage and got out as much raw anger that I could. Studied a lot on attachment styles, etc. and calmed a lot of that anger down, I let go of my family and mourned the relationship I yearned to have with my parents, siblings and extended relatives. Mourned real hard. When I make new friends, associate w co workers, date, I notice the bad behaviors immediately and don’t “see where it goes” like I used to, I cut it dead, block them or I just stop communicating with them. I’m proud of where I’m going. Thank you for this video it’s confirming that I’ve been doing the right work
I'm sorry but why is this comment written by me? I relate to it so much, even to the Not today Satan plus few days ago i realized i had not mourned the fact that I'll never have the relationship I want with my parents and i stopped hoping they'd change. But that thought hit me hard as i had problems cutting them off, especially my toxic abusive dad. But I did now and it feels amazing. Hope you heal properly and are ok 🤗
Not to mention the anger. Omg. The anger issues i used to have. Broke stuff. Yelled made a scene. Just like my dad. Just like what insaw growing up. This was my love language. 😔
I feel very similar to you. When I was younger, I used to get really angry and was plain out mean at times verbally. Then when the other person responded negatively (which was very reasonable), I would freak out because I was afraid of being abandoned. Many of these times happened because I didn't speak up the first time when I felt like someone was treating me badly (and yeah, they did treat me badly but I continued the relationship). Now, I have a really hard time expressing anger and just will shut down. I don't want to be mean like I was and I am not sure if I can be that way right now anyways but I am definitely very suspicious and paranoid of people. I don't trust anyone and there are times when I don't even trust myself. So none of it is really better just slightly changed.
Oh man so similar! Especially in dates and friends. The red flags are glaring and I move right along. It can be a hard lonely road but I'd rather have my close circle and myself than get into an abusive mess with someone.
I see you sister! Every word you wrote could have been my own. I believe in you too!
In my home the guys were allowed to get violently angry while the girls were not allowed to dis[play feelings, especially anger and were shame based for it. My mother preferred her boys and I really saw that later in life. Disgusting!
Dad's a narcissist, mum's bpd, weird childhood. Felt like a pawn between the 2. Grateful for these resources and that I'm not alone, working on healing. Thank you for the amazing content!
I AM SO sorry you had to deal with that. You are strong.
Ahh me too. ❤️ I feel you. I feel this comment.
Same here, you’re definitely not alone in this.
Me too
I feel you. Same here. Depending on which parent was mad at me, I would hear that I'm too much like the other one.
I find myself drawn to people who need A LOT from me and I’ve started noticing this pattern of “enjoying” this codependency.
you enjoy it until you resent not getting back as much as you put in but are you sure it's about them being needy or is it you pushing "help" on them without them asking?
Me too
This is so deeply sad, disturbing, and wonderfully enlightening all at the same time. Thank you for this. It was terrible growing up in a demented family where I was ignored, abandoned & triggered until I blew my lid so they could then use that both as proof that I was the problem & they could also avoid having to acknowledge their own terrible behaviours...
Oooo, I identify with this. As I got older, in my late 20s, I started confronting my mother about things that upset me as a child. Her response was “that never happened,” like I had memory problems!! At first I second guessed myself, then I started showing my anger, then “I” was the problem.
Even though it’s messed up, I’m glad to finally know my perceptions are correct. Hugs 🙏🏼⚖️🕊
Exactly the same in my childhood
Yes ❤
Now I'm married to it.
@@susanhawkes2519Yep, finding out that happens a lot. Take care of yourself, because it's time we all did.
❤❤❤
I push everyone away. I self-sabotage. I isolate. I can't handle people. I: read, drink coffee, pet my cats.
You're one of the few I can actually listen to. The long lectures of rage towards me as family scapegoat, left me emotionally crippled. (Physical, emotional, mental, sexual, and spiritual abuse)
Lori, I know, both parents did this to me, now in my 40's..I have full awareness and focusing to strengthen myself physically emotiinally spiritually.
I know this feeling. But I fight it.
You're taking care of yourself. Remember that. It might not be workable for you but I suggest you remember the simple fact that you are protecting yourself and that is self love, as weird as it feels and looks.
@@mrsherwood2599thank you for your comment. It truly resonated with me.
Thank you for sharing. ❤
Great topic. As someone who's had 3 decades of therapy, there are STILL blind spots that are sort of shocking when they finally become clear. I discovered one a couple of weeks ago - looking for validation from co-workers. Ugh. It's embarrassing and horrible to discover, but not as horrible as the thought of continuing to do it.
I may be pointing out my own blind spot - but isn't seeking at least a little validation from a co-worker kind of human ?!
I don't mean I expect everyone at work to be my pal, but, I don't want to work with cold robots either !
@@m.maclellan7147 I think it's human! In my case, I was tending to look for too much from not-very-carefully-selected co-workers (without realizing it) then getting burned. Now that the blind spot is visible to me, I only might seek a little validation from people I can trust, which right now is no one at my job.
@@andreav2125 excellent. Sad to hear that there is no one there you can trust.
“It’s embarrassing and horrible to discover”… that’s a shame core wound is talking.
While I can relate, and have been so amazed, surprised (and sometimes hard on myself too) for being so blind in areas… to have compassion for not knowing is key. We were conditioned/programmed to not “see” certain things. Like a miscalibrated red flag meter!
I’m in my late 40’s and have been in therapy off/on for decades too…finally have a really good therapist. Having had programming that is so entrenched (and unknowingly reinforced) makes it take a while to undo, especially as so much is automatic in the nervous system.
I only found out in the last 1-2 years about emotional dysregulation…and how that is a key aspect of my issues. I was initially embarrassed at that too…as I have strong narratives about that sort of thing. Challenging our narratives is ongoing and crucial. As I imagine you know!
I also discovered my attachment style in the last 3-4 years. Wow. Life changing. It helped make sense of so much. I have fearful avoidant attachment leaning dismissive (even more so after a very dismissive partner).
I also realized that we can only attract the level of love we contain towards ourselves. That was revolutionary. Since I dismissed myself, ignored my own needs and boundaries (unconsciously)…that’s what I attracted.
This journey is a process. Sometimes in kicks and starts. Sometimes huge growth. Sometimes backslides and sideways moves. Sometimes huge epiphanies that almost render us paralyzed. Sometimes huge epiphanies that help us transcend all, for a moment!
Be gracious to yourself! It’s amazing and beautiful that you are doing the work. It’s a brave thing. 💫💛
“Shaming as a recreational activity “, this is huge for me-this was the huge family game going as far as sexual abuse in the family and then shaming the victim.
This is opening my eyes and my heart-thank you
I’m going to finish listening 😊
Me, too! Its the hardest thing. Thanks for being bulnerable/-brave enough to share this.
I honestly feel so defeated. I’ve been going to therapy for a year and keeping up with your videos and I STILL can’t break free from my abusive situations. I had a dad who was chaotic and angry and mean and abusive but every once in a blue moon would take me to go drive around and get McDonald’s and we’d listen to music and sing together or something and then I’d be chasing that moment for essentially my whole childhood. Somehow I ended up in the exact same situation. Been married for 6 years and get charged, get things thrown at more, get called a stupid b*tch daily, get yelled at for things as simple as going to target to get groceries because I didn’t “plan my day the way he wanted” but he will show the tiniest little bit of the bare minimum and that’s what I chase. It sucks to be completely aware of a situation but too weak to get out. 😞
Don't give up! 🕊️ I now look back on relationships I thought I'd never get out of. I'm wishing you the best and peace and love!!!
😔 I typed and erased this 10x. I am not much of a commenter on TH-cam or anywhere for that matter but your comment resonated with me so much. I just wanted to say I was raised by a father that was forever in victim mode and sad sad sad sad..negative. (What I have been taught now is called covert narcissist but I did not know of such things growing up.) With in- between moments of smiling, singing and being happy dad. I was always trying to make him smile and be happy and prove how much I loved him. I've found myself doing it over and over in my life in other relationships.
I just left my 6 year abusive relationship in July. You are stronger than you think. I just wanted to say it is possible. It's hard and uncomfortable and scary but I'm so done doing 3x the work that the other person does for their own happiness and mental health. I am so not responsible for making anyone happy. Thankfully! And we totally deserve happiness ourselves. And not just in tiny moments they choose. I'm sure you've heard it over and over but I still wanted to say you are so worthy of love and kindness. The feels. Best wishes for you! Stay strong! You are not weak. Stay strong! I already know you are cuz it takes a hell of a strong human to put up with some of the things we have put up with! The strength is already in us! Faith you will find your way out before another 6 years goes by my friend. Blessings
You're not weak at all. You're surviving like a champ! It's hard not to get hung up on time lines, but compare that one year of therapy to all the years of trauma. Try not to be so hard on and impatient w yourself. You're much stronger than you see at the moment. And you DESERVE to thrive so never give up on you. xoxo
You are so worth it, feeling good that is! Problem with crappy childhoods is we got used to the pain and we are actually drawn to the folks who will perpetuate that pain, it is just familiar. You are realizing there are other feelings you would like to feel more often. You start to learn how to recognize them and welcome them. You begin to let the pain go. Once you do that pain no longer has a hold and you will be free to just be you, whomever you chose to be. Try to enjoy now and revel in the truth that you are worthy of contentment. Peace
I am so so sorry you are in this situation and don't be hard on yourself, you can't get out without help. Being raised that way takes away your wings or legs or whatever and so you are stuck with any manipulator who came across you and decided to make you their tool. I hope you can at least get in touch with your local women's shelter as a step in the right direction. Good luck.
I definitely see that I can be an intolerant, self righteous lawyer when I feel that a situation is unjust and I do hold them up to super high standards. I really hate that reaction in myself and it's not great for relationships. I love the point about realising that others can be triggered too. This has been so hard to work on because as much as I tell myself to be calm and gentle with people in the future, when I feel that they are taking the piss I jump from 0 -100 in 2 seconds. It's such an impulsive reaction. I used to be taken advantage of all the time in relationships and at some point I did a 180 and became a warrior for my own rights - now I need to put my sword down.
The Judge AND Jury. I know the feeling well.
I would very much LOVE to know how you overcame and did that 180 warrior change for your own rights. I have never done this and feel it would liberate me. I commend you on your courage for doing that and also realizing you need to "put your sword down" as you said.
I'm the same.
Maybe put the sword back in its sheath at your hip, where it belongs as a symbol of your strength, willingness to defend yourself but pick up a laurel leaf and a mirror? I too have the self righteous lawyer style, and struggle with being used. I started to read Louise Hays and realized this person I am being self righteous on is struggling too, and dealing with damaging conditioning from childhood, compassion.
Stop hating that reaction. And YES it is good for relationships. Change how you see those things and you will better with yourself for being that way. :)
It's really hard to trust myself, especially having autism and having been told constantly I'm "sensitive" and "over-reacting", or on the flip side, I'm not "socially aware" enough to really read people. It really leaves me feeling incredibly anxious and confused. It often leaves me feeling lonely because I'm so afraid of being hurt again that I get frustrated and exhausted and I isolate. I feel like I can't really trust my intuition because I feel like because of my diagnosis, my feelings, experiences and reactions are "wrong", that it's all part of the condition and that I just need to act "normal". Any other autistic trauma survivors experience this?
Singinglawnchair, I’m not one, but I pray blessings on you and a happier walk in this life.
Autistic speaking here. You are not alone I’m feeling this way. I would look more into trauma that comes with “masking”.
Yes, rings true. I am on Spectrum, it is a condition of over-learning, I am convinced.
Hard to toggle out of behaviors for pleasing one parent to the other. As one grows older this pattern multiplies and builds up with partners, bosses, and friends.
Like one’s “manual” is written in eight different languages describing a different customary way to carry out a procedure- all mixed up together.
The overwhelm at the thought of interactions and what stuff means, in light of having been burned so much, then gaslighted about it, I feel this is why I am chronically ill.
Yes.
When you are constantly checking to see if you’re doing it right, it makes it really easy to mistrust your own body and ignore your own truths.
So it’s a easier for someone to abuse you.
Yes, i am too. I ask myself "am I being paranoid? Nobody is perfect" when I start seeing red flags. Sometimes I doubt my reality because I have missed things other people obviously see. Then I can be too sensitive and that can repel even good people away. I don't know if there are people out there for me, It's a very lonely feeling.
I definitely struggle with some of these things, but interestingly not the one about being the last to know or not noticing red flags. I feel like I'm hyper-aware of problematic behavior as I get to know new people or when friends begin to act differently or act out. I think I'm more confused by safe or non-toxic people because I learned early that I had to be very vigilant about others' problems. When others are safe, I don't know how to relate to them since it's not about monitoring and controlling a dangerous situation.
Damn. This this comment hit home.
It's not that I don't see red flags--I'm great at seeing red flags--it's that I don't know what to do without them. Red flags are like the fine print at the end of a promotional email, giving me the information that I need to navigate the interaction.
If a giveaway for $20 off a $40 purchase doesn't come with a list of terms and conditions, I assume that it's probably a scam, and that after I go to the work of picking out what I want, I'll get to the checkout counter and find out the $20 off is invalid because I spent $40.38 instead of $40 even.
The inverse of that logic is that when a new friend arrives 20 minutes late the first time we hang out, and proceeds to talk about herself the entire time, I can see the red flags, but I can also appreciate the parameters it gives me to work with. In a way, I feel safer than ever, because "self-centered with poor time management" tells me exactly what I need to monitor and control.
On the other hand, a person who shows up on time, behaves in an appropriate manner, and follows basic norms regarding what to share when will set off every alarm bell in my head, because THAT'S a confusing situation. I'm no longer sure what I should be doing. I'm no longer sure what I should be watching out for. I have no idea if my coupon with that person will be valid or not, because I don't know how to figure out the terms and conditions without the requisite red flags to guide me.
I wanna see the best in people because I had to spend a lot of time with a parent who acted in ways that go against my moral beliefs. This caused me to overlook people's flaws or even let it slide when they were acting toxic towards me. I didn't want to see my parent clearly because I wouldn't like what I would see.
So this is toxic? I do this to, but I do sometimes bring up any issue I had with what was said.
In my case yes because my parent was a self-centered narcissist and when I called her on it she had a huge meltdown.
I'll overlook character flaws if a man really loves cats. That was one of my dad's best traits. Can't be a bad guy if he loves cats, or else that would mean maybe my dad's a bad guy too.
I really like you, you see so much. To come out of your own childhood trauma(not to marginalize) and be able to turn around ,see where you've been, then you've educated yourself and share that with us, Thank You for that. I'm really just at the beginning of recovery at 61.
So psychology makes you psychic.
Three videos in a row all perfect timing
31:16 I know how blessed I am that me and my sister started talking about our childhood a couple years ago and we agreed on everything, remembered the exact same things our mother would deny etc. It feels like I'm not crazy, I didn't imagine it or make it up in my head. Truly a relief. I'm so sorry for people who don't have that.
That’s lovely 💖 hopefully you and your sister can heal together and work as a team!
You are right that not everyone has that with siblings. I don't. Infact they are so screwed up from our childhood I think its wise to cut them off too, one day soon. The only reason I stayed in contact with one of them is they are a horrible parent to their child( and now another one on the way ,she's keeping it despite being unemployed and the bio dad is extremely dangerous. But she hasn't even gotten a restraining order so this guy will likely abuse the baby now. So I stayed in contact (and currently too) ONLY out of concern for her older child hoping to give structure and normalcy to that child when in my home. The problem with that is because of how screwed up her child has become (because of HER actions,she blames it all on the bio dad, but fails to see she is ruining the child) it turns into the child misbehaving at my house &bc my boundaries say kids who misbehave aren't allowed back, she will just not come over for very long periods of time. Because she refuses to discipline her, and thinks I'm in the wrong every single time! My niece literally murdered one of our pets (it was a bird being handfed) by purposely stepping on it and squishing it , to suffocate her/the pet to death! My son witnessed it..
To this day she refuses her child killed an animal and thinks we just assumed that happened. I wanted to be the aunt that my niece can come to when she gets older. But she's getting so mentally screwed up as she gets older (and her mom pits her against people, her own dad, me etc...) my own kids can't stand her (due to her unhealthy mental issues) so now she has her mom thinking my kids hate her when that's not the case at all. I just taught them not to take B.S. and to participate in drama. They don't let their cousin (who is younger by 10yrs+) get away with stuff any different then they don't with their youngest sibling (who is also 10yrs younger). So she thinks when he is being good , she is not and they verbally discipline her (under my supervision & permission) that they are being "mean" . They are 24,18&16 and have watched me do daycare in my home, & I don't expect them to parent her but sometimes they needed to speak up to her, on the spot kwim. It's ore like that.
I need to just cut her off for good even if it means never getting to know the neice and nephew again. The new baby should be given up for his safety. If she gives him up for adoption it's the best way to keep him from a future of abuse by his dad , even without all the mess she herself would put that child through. I thought the same thing when she was pregnant with the first one. Completely broke , mostly unemployed the last 11 years, having others support her. And she gets pregnant by a very abusive man, still unemployed, and can't take care of themselves and is getting a dog after already having a cat in a super tiny apartment & having to lock him in a crate every day and night. I can't stand it. My husband would be happy to never see them again. One time she left her stuff at our house too long. We had it locked in the back of his truck after giving her two weeks to come get it. She had her be (at the time) break the lock on his truck,to get to her stuff back. Didn't bother knocking on the door to ask for it.
There is no neglect (outwardly for people to see) warranting social services. Only all the things she does that is causing the child MENTAL issues,that will later on cause her to repeat ALL the same things as an adult. I can see it, my husband can see it, my adult &teen kids can see it! My mom and our other sibling refuses to see how badly it's affected my niece because they live two states away. I'm the only one who has physically lived near her this whole time the last 18yrs (niece is 11,but my husband&I wittnesses everything she does wrong&all her issues that long) ,put in the TIME helping her all these years. My mom and sister helped her $wise ,from long distance but have not been here in person to SEE how she operates and why my niece is so screwed up. And she blames her Ex / the dad of the child for literally everything... sure the guy is a total jerk and I know it. But he is NOT to blame for all the issues my niece has. It's her mom! He has been fighting to get custody her whole life, so she can have consistency and stability. Only recently she told my sis he tried dry humping her (sexual abuse grooming) so I can never trust him or support him getting custody, not knowing if she's even telling the truth. Because it came from my sis, not my niece. I don't know if she made it up based on assumptions or if she really told her daddy did that to her. But putting the child first means I have to believe her. I was so close to contacting him and helping him get custody and I find out this supposedly happened. Social services and police didn't pursue it because my niece changed her story after she was questioned by the authorities ,away from her mom. BUT she is the type to lie and say she lied even if it did happen bc she's so shy and afraid to speak up to strangers (a bad trait her mom taught her) . So my own short comings with letting people go, is when children are involved and wanting to help them so bad.
I dont have that. It robs me of a relationship with the only person of my family
Lol my sister did that but then 360ed on me bc I didn't talk to her enough
I cried through this entire video. I’m 42 years old and I feel like my entire life has been characterized and wasted to childhood trauma. I’m HSP, I have parents who invalidate my experience of growing up being emotionally abused and invalidated constantly. I’m always told to this day how I was the bad one, the worst kid of theirs, the problem child, had a narcissistic mother and a father who let her terrorize me and disciplined me for “disrespecting her,” I was sexually abused by my brother from age 5 to 21 and others too I received beatings from wrongdoing, I picked terrible partners, became massively codependent, had no boundaries, felt like not enough or too much at the same time. And I’ve been in therapy off and on since age 24. I’m currently in therapy twice weekly. I have all kinds of issues in my life with money and my career and sustaining heathy romantic relationships and I hate that my family looks at me like I’m just an eff up. When I point anything out from my childhood experience, I get the gaslight. I’m just feeling so stuck and depressed.
Sending healing streams of grace
@@loristromski1334 thank you 🙏🏽❤️
From my non-therapist perspective, some people remain in a passive roll but you are working very hard to rise above it. I am very sorry to hear about the layers of abuse and gaslighting you endured. How do you find which way is up? How do you continue to hold on to the truths you know to navigate your way out? How can you learn to see, blind spots? Not that I’m asking, just noticing the challenges I witness you’re going through. You found this channel so at least you have a boat, now acquire the oars.
Good luck to you. 🙏🙏 I hope you find peace.
better late than latter or never
@@doshadial thank you. I feel seen by your words. It has been challenging but I’m realizing I would much rather be defined by my beauty, kindness, talent and the way I show up for my daughter and other loved ones, than my trauma. I’m leaning into the happy moments and learning to quiet the voice that tries to tell me all is lost and that I’ll be struggling forever because that is a lie. The truth is I have made progress and to use your analogy, I have secured the oars. I am so grateful for your comment and the supportive community here.
So many good points here. Being 'too hard' or 'not hard enough' are both ways codependent people may respond to triggers! Who goes to 'lawyer/fight' or who goes to the 'fawn/freeze' is a super valuable model. If you grew up with passive, negligent, or immature parents, of course, you end up a critical, persecuting lawyer, being too hard!
Likewise, if the family shuts us down, overpowers us, or ignores boundaries, this may result in not being hard enough, going numb, aloof, and mute. Elegant. Make it OK or Make them Pay.
I think linked to the holding others to an impossible standard is the act of parentifying others because we’ve been shamed when asking for needs. One thing that has helped me move more quickly out of the trigger is that when it fires up to tune into “what do I need right now?” Instead of what does the other person need to become. It’s our way of asking for a good parent that has become so sublimated in our development and we’re conditioned to think of the other person and not ourselves.
I have spoken up towards a highly narcissistic person and that person discarded me. So in that experience, the fear was true. And it's progress I stood up for myself, but it's still an utterly painful experience.
I am grieving this too… it is extremely painful. I know it is showing me I always feared speaking up because I knew I’d be abandoned when did… which shows me I’ve been as alone as I felt all my life. It just hurts to grieve a living person as if they are dead.
You might consider that a validation of your instincts, painful though it was…
I think this happens a lot. Once I started seeing who the narcissists were in my life and started setting boundaries, I ended a few relationships, and a few of them ended their relationship with me. I have some friends that seemly weren't narcissists initially, but with health problems and aging (dementia and / or Covid brain), the friend dynamic has seemly changed to toxic. I am beginning to adjust my views on whether to be a loyal friend when the dynamics change for the worse.
It is painful crossing the bridge from the delusional area to the Reality side.
Thank you for sharing. ❤️
Me too. The person I stood up to (haha. I only asked them to respect a boundary) was a mega “lawyer”. I have discarded them based on their triggered response. I have my own healing to do and don’t need that kind of “friend” to derail the good work I am doing. Good luck to you!
Everytime I watch these videos I get so triggered lol it’s like he hits the nail on the head everytime. Maybe not the first examples, but always one of them.
I found that I was aware of bad traits, and I knew they attracted me to them. I would go after some abusive people on purpose because I knew they would make me feel bad. I liked the familiarity, but it got me really hurt. Now I am seeing that I don’t have to put up with that, and nice people who like me do exist. I am still trying to unlearn liking abuse. I still try to pick fights with my significant other so he yells at me because I feel like I deserve it.
The concept of love is so foreign to me that I need that element of hate, hurt, and being belittled. My significant other is very good about not doing that, and I’m learning to appreciate that.
I agree with this cause I still see this with my mom and with others. I like that I sometimes get treated nicely but I feel that without the pain or suffering in an immense amount that I am no getting what a deserve, but also familiarity. Because abuse, manipulation and toxicity is all I have really known, so without that it scares me and makes me back pedal.
Wow, that’s so sad 😞
"Stop being so sensitive" that one hit home really hard
“Hey are you constantly triggered all the time?”
Haha I love your style, Patrick. As always, thanks for the valuable insights that allow me to grow and heal myself and my relationships
Think I've joined more dots from the distant past in the course of these videos than in 25+ years of on/off therapy! Maybe it's because I'm listening, not yacking, but I think it's more down to Patrick's level of skill, and insight from personal experience. If I had to summerise it, I'd say the day i got (and stayed) ill was after I got the biggest trouncings/shocks that i didn't see coming, as a result of wrong decisions I'd made. I must have tacitly decided I couldn't trust myself anymore, and that's where the 'illness' began. I live in fear of being hit by a ton of bricks - in jobs, in friendships, in everything. So at least half of it has to be getting back that trust in my own soundness of judgment. My brother got ill in the same way a few years after me, and couldn't go to school for months. The way he described it was, "I've lost my courage."
I get into fight mode with good people and passive mode with bullies..just realised. Thank you
I’m the opposite
I think this happened to me recently. I went to a social group and there were three loud, overpowering, booming voiced, interrupting men there. I instantly felt my energy start to drain because trying to get myself heard over them felt exhausting. I shut down and froze and then spent three days feeling extremely distressed and depressed that I'd not stood up for myself. With other people who aren't particularly bad I can get into self righteous lawyer mode, it's like my inner child thinks 'finally Im standing up for myself' but it's over the top and destructive to relationship building. I feel really bad in both of these modes afterwards.
It's what the narc does too. Seek help before you become one.
The roommate analogy was spot on! My roommate has been mostly at her boyfriends house since November and I just feel so much more relaxed in my body, whenever she’s here or drops in I feel my anxiety rise and I never knew exactly why but this makes more sense. I’m more sensitive to toxicity and won’t allow it any more. thanks for your guidance and help. You’re a wonderful healer!
Thank you for sharing these “need to know”revelations.
It’s taken me 62 years to finally understand what happened to me. I credit you & a few others for that knowledge, which is critical to sustainable healing.
Knowledge is power.
could you share some other accounts that has helped you on your journey?
I like Dr. Ramani, and Dr. Grande💗
@@haillucifer666 Hi Jin, Dr. Ramani is wonderful. I also like Crappy Childhood Fairy.
I am so glad I landed here. Had a really great therapist for MANY YEARS…but he retired June 2021.
I’m now at a point that THIS IS THE DEEPER LEVEL OF WORK I NEED TO DO NOW.
❤
I loved "were they extra", haha.
I have this thought all the time with my mom. She makes everything SUCH a big deal. And it's hard to articulate.
But yes, she is so often EXTRA
The sudden feeling of relief after a toxic person is for sure out of your life.
...I didn't know I had all the signs of Cushing Syndrome until my now soon-to-be ex-spouse was out of contact for a month. I lost the knot at the base of my neck, I dropped 30 lbs despite no change in diet, my blood sugar dropped close to normal levels, and my blood pressure became manageable finally. My PCP remarked on just how different I am now Friday compared to when she met me in December. I'm actually responding to antidepressants now!
I was re-traumatized for 3 years by a subject matter expert i was forced to work with when i had a job developing elaearning. It was all blind spots. It literally cost me my physical health.
I’m so sorry. I hope you can rejuvenate your body & mind.
"We lose the right to be upset" wow, that hit hard... So much of the work I'm doing in my own therapy to heal my childhood is to allow myself to feel angry at all, but the obstacle my brain presents is not allowing me to feel it unless it's "justified." Children should be allowed to have angry outbursts sometimes and be met with compassion and guidance, not silenced and have all anger shut down. The result is all of that anger, justified or no, gets turned inwards as shame, self-blame, low self-esteem, often for a lifetime. Not to mention no radar for what our boundaries are or that we're allowed to hold them!
Can I just say, apart from the always excellent content, I really love the nature scenes in your videos with the music. Please keep those! They're so calming and good at bringing me into the moment.
I feel the same way, they're very comforting and welcoming
1. What the blind spots looks like.
-Can’t see toxity
- Being too hard or not hard enough (if boundaries are crossed)
2. Why it’s not good for you.
-Often you don’t see what’s wrong and even when you see it, you second guess yourself.
-It may get you into trouble
-The dynamic may keep you triggered (which you’re used to going home to the chaos)
- isn’t good because )
-Aim is to lessen their tolerance for toxicity
3. Why you struggle with it.
-Were your parents moody, toxic..
-Were you taught to put your feelings away.
4. How to work on it
Create table - 5 columns
i. Create a list difficult toxic people (mom family)
ii. List their toxic behaviour (eg likeable but a total mess)
iii. What did you want from them (take care of them or feel seen)
iv. Was that missing from my parents
v. What red flags did you miss in the relationship in the beginning?
Aim - part of you always knew.
-Not seeing that others are triggered too. (Eg inconsistency or messy with boundaries or not taking a side )
2. Why it’s not good.
- Gives you the core belief that you are the most messed up one in the room. Or always wrong
Sim- Reflect and recognise triggeredness in others as practice (eg a person calm even through stressful situation/star employee- but they might be in stress mode/codependent/perfectionist)
This is fresh life giving water to my heart
The line about not giving up on our abusive parents really hit home. I can concretely say my life improved, when I told myself I would never get closure or affirmation from my mother. Basically "giving up" on her being a better person or addressing the past in a healthy way.
I went through a huge amount of grief when I finally gave up on my father. I think I had always had a belief one day he would see me, validate me, be supportive, whatever. But in his later years when he did start to mellow somewhat ge got so sick he couldn’t help me or anyone. He needed to be cared for 24/7 by my mother. I realised it was too late for any reconciliation or the development of a positive relationship. I was really heartbroken when I came to that realisation. But it’s necessary for healing to face reality.
I will tell anyone else this one thing- acknowledgement doesn't fix anything or make anything easier.
I'm different from most here in that my family got help long after I grew up. You know what being validated did?....jack shit. I know what I experienced and have admission and remediation attempts and all the issues are still there. If anything its isolating and lonely because all the maladaptive and backwards things I do are still there but now there is nobody to blame. We both agree "yes it is your fault" but what good does that do? Does it turn back time? Does it do the work for me to reparent? Does it fix anything? In my experience it doesnt. Accepting that while not my fault, my recovery is my responsibility alone. Part of that work is trying to no longer see angels and demons in people. Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have even if its nowhere close to enough. You have to accept that without blame or shame... they did their best at the time with an empty toolbox and it wasn't enough. What are doing about it now?
I really like the third point in your video, I never thought about others being triggered. I mean it's hard to figure out when I feel triggered sometimes. I'll try to use this when I talk to an upset clerk or something. Thank you for providing so much help.
Also I cry when the outro music plays, you wave, and you say 'may you be filled with love and kindness'. I swear I heard words like these and felt that empathic energy so little in my life.
Oops. I'm gonna have to stay until the very end. I need that, too. I choke up when that one news guy says 'thanks for watching. you could have been anywhere but you're here with us.' I'm apparently desperate for connection. Also, the late night comedian who says 'stay safe, we love you.'
I woke up thinking about this topic today. I used to be in multiple different friendship groups who I can now see were full of narcissists. The groups look down on anyone poor, with misfortune, fat, not conventionally attractive, lower class, single mothers, the unemployed etc. Because my family were also quite disparaging of less fortunate people these groups felt totally normal to me. It was only when I was diagnosed with depression and signed off work that I realised because they all ditched me! I've had a really hard time feeling like the rejection of these people means that I'm the flawed one, but I can see in hindsight the narcissism in the groups. Thankfully I've also met non narcissistic people who didn't reject me during bad times and instead supported me. These people were always the 'oddballs and misfits' and I'm ashamed to say I used to want to avoid them for fear of social rejection. I can see how flawed my thinking was. I've also repeatedly ended up with narcissistic men for romantic relationships and briefly made friends with a female sociopath in a job before I realised. I'm really isolated now, it's partly to protect myself but I'd love to find some genuine good kind friends, I definitely find it hard to find people like this. I can also relate a lot to the too hard on people/not hard on them enough seesaw, it's challenging to find a middle ground.
I too am looking for genuine friendship. I HAD TO LOOK TO SEE IF I WAS THE ONE WHO WROTE WHAT YOU WROTE . LOL! I GET IT! I TRUST VERY FEW.
I really like the idea of seeing how other people are triggered, I've been through some stuff lately and talking to my friends about it, I've kind of learned not to take what they say as gospel necessarily while stilling knowing they care :) and feeling supported
I have never heard anything so ACCURATE! Every time I turned therapist for help they had no idea how to help me. Thank you SO MUCH!!!
I find this problem the most challenging when dealing with therapists. They all seem to be faulty after the initial positive session they somehow morph into my toxic parents and I find myself feeling unsafe and running away.
I've had some toxic therapists too...however, I did notice, that once I started getting more open and vulnerable with my latest therapist, who is incredible...My attachment injuries were triggered and I started projecting my issues from my parents onto her and her responses. I realized this retrospectively, with some deep introspection.
We want to get away from the toxic therapists...AND we also want to realize that our trauma can "lie" and distort things about some good ones. Our triggered state can't see it though.
The catch 22 is that we want to learn to self trust, yet the trauma (when it speaks for us) isn't trustworthy. Can be a conundrum to be aware of.
I have fearful avoidant attachment...and the "feeling unsafe and running away" is one of many of my deactivating strategies (subconsciously of course). When we find ways to feel safe, speak our truth, lay out the needs and boundaries...even to our therapists...we start to change.
Standing up to a therapist in assertive ways, has been so healing and helpful...especially when it is received well and repair and moving forward happens.
Therapy is a chance to have a healing, reparative relationship. The therapist is supposed to allow space for that and model that.
Relationships are messy, there is misunderstanding, and we need to be able to advocate for ourselves. This can be triggering, since the original injuries were born out of relationship. This makes any relationship bound to be triggering, by the very nature of the relational injuries. If we can stick it out and get a chance to speak up, "try on" ways of resolving conflict...as there will be some...with a therapist, that can help increase self agency and confidence.
If you go in knowing that you WILL get triggered and that you're there to address the relational wounding, healing though a therapeutic relationship, it helps so much. You no longer believe that the therapist is never going to trigger you. You expect it can happen and that the most important part, the evolution, is in facing that, speaking up and moving forward!
That was huge for me!
I'm a total fawn and my husband is the lawyer type. He verbally attacks and builds his case, I shut down. I'm terrified that anything I say will be used against me in a court of law. Can't wait to see the codependency video you mentioned. Thank you Patrick!
Thank you for another insightful video. I feel like relationships are impossible for me because I cannot consistently be available for the people I care for. One day I’m smiling, kind and caring, next day I can’t even be in the same room with this person without inwardly breaking down. I can’t fully trust people or consider them safe, but I still want connection. This probably makes me intensely toxic to other people, which drives everyone healthy enough to see that away. I’d really like to break out of this cycle soon.
R T keep listening. I think it will come 4 all of us. Good luck to you.
I feel the same way, I get really bad depressive episodes and trust issues. Hopefully one day we can get the connection and peace we deserve ❤️
this explains everything im going through right now, and it is so deeply healing but hurts at the same time
kind of like a pressure washer to a plank of wood caked with grime, growth, and gunk
I recognized many of these things in my own life. One parent was abusive (finally professionally diagnosed NPD, BPD, and HPD in recent years) and the other was kind and honest, but used to work long hours, avoiding conflict at home when possible. I honestly think they thought my toxic parent was fine unless they were home. Sadly, that was not the case.
I actually have a good read on people and have for most of my life; those skills helped me avoid some of my toxic parent's abuse and also keep my sanity in a home where narrative was always shifting. However, I was conditioned from little on up to keep giving people chances, and did even when I knew better, in part, because my own feelings were always minimized and I was taught to put everyone else first. I'm still trying to undo that.
I tend to fawn in conflict but do eventually push back as honestly and tactfully as I can. That's not an issue for most people because with most people, communication is fairly easy. Not with toxic people and when I do push back, they'd claim I am heavy handed. I think it's more about the fact they aren't willing to face a reality other than what they've chosen, and it's another chance for them to play victim and divide people and distract from the issue at hand. That itself is another form of abuse to those around them. A denial of reality and their effect on others.
Yeah, most of my triggers (ie lying, negligence, meanness, selfishness, stealing, etc) were experienced growing up, but they are also basic rights and wrongs, too. Whether it's projection, hypocrisy, or both, I find so many of the toxic people accuse and harshly judge others for things they themselves have done or are doing. That bothers me, too.
Wow! This video has been the most helpful to me so far. I really struggle with not only recognizing toxic people, but feeling guilty when I decide I can't tolerate their friendship. Thank you so much for the work you put into helping others. You are a blessing and a light in this world.
Same here.
Dr Gabor Mate (on YT) says when you have a choice of guilt or resentment, choose guilt- the other choice will cause illness.
It’s lifesaving just to hear this stuff spoken aloud. 🙏 Thank you.
I agree ❤️
Omg, yes
Choosing bad partners bc they show interest in me. Thanks for uncovering the blind spots
I find it important to add, tha siblings and people emotionally, physicaly, and spiritually near to have similar if not the same effect on you as your parents. :)
Thx for ur clear conveyed content
I was never allowed to defend myself.
"You have to take our abuse! We'll make sure of that!"
No wonder I have no use for families.
Yes! Possessing a big heart is a wonderful gift, but you can’t let it be used against you. Love your advice! 💕
Something to note, for all of those who deal with #1. Just because others can't see that person is toxic doesn't mean they aren't. Plausible deniability is just a form of crazy making behavior that toxic people use to manipulate everyone. You'll encounter a lot of of these people. You're not crazy and you're not wrong. Trust. Your. Gut. and run.
Fantastic! I can’t believe how much your words resonate and validate what I have been feeling my entire life. Thank you for doing these shows and helping others, myself included, to find the way out of the fog.
Completely agree, it really does feel like a fog clearing a little, the more u hear😊
"'Not today, Satan' energy" made me actually laugh out loud.
Thank you for these videos. I needed them in my healing journey. I watched your 7 types of toxic family systems video with my therapist.
“‘Not today, Satan’ energy” 😂♥️ 👍🏻
That was awesome.
#2 hit pretty hard, especially the part about someone going into "lawyer mode" during conflict. I have a parent like that, so
unsurprisingly this video has helped me realize that I have a tendency of not being hard enough on others 😅
Just a few hours ago it dawned on me that I’ve been waiting for a partner who is “better” than me. I so needed to watch this.
I am very much a combination of holding others to an impossible standard and getting quiet and inwardly upset when triggered. And then he explained how parents behavior impacts these... My mom was dismissive and didn't allow me to express my feelings, but also was a doormat. Never said no to extra requests at work.
I dunno, this might have been one of the most relatable episodes yet!
Also I've made improvements like speaking up for myself on my own, but can't remember what I changed to do so! How am I supposed to help my friends if I can't even remember how *I* did things? 😆
I think you just described my mom too the way I never thought of before. I’m so damaged though
@@elfglow4557 There's always time to heal. Being aware of the issues is already a part of it. You can definitely get where you want to be, I believe in you!
Sunshine, they have to learn for themselves. It will b more meaningful to them.
@@adimeter For friends? Of course I'm not going to spoil their own learning, but if someone comes to me with specific problems where my experience would benefit I'm not just going to leave them hanging. Especially if knowing something beforehand could help avoid serious harm.
The way you describe your mom. Imagine that mom hugging you saying it's OK, its ok over &over after you cry or have a tantrum for not getting your way , never saying no to you and then you witnessing her never say no to others to the point she gets phtsically abused (hit,kicked,bitten ,breaking the skin kind of bites) by men right in front of you. Imagine if your mom was so insecure she was unable to allow you to learn to sleep in your own bed so you sleep in her bed til your practically a teenager. AND on top of that all, she let's men sleep in YOUR bed,when they sleep over. She never takes you to the playground or does kid stuff with you, constantly vilified your dad and blames him for ALL your issues and her issues. That is my sibling and what she has done to her daughter. My husband&I can see how badly it has affected her. When something doesn't go her way she cries and gets overly upset instead of speaking UP . When she is in the wrong and others speak up to her (respectful) ,like myself her cousins her teacher,friends.
. She has a meltdown again crying and thinks the other person is "mean" because mom has NEVER held her accountable for her actions when she's done wrong. When she was a toddler, she had a rule we were not allowed to use the word no with her ! I was so afraid she would end up being sexually abused one day because she is so fragile emotionally , and has never learned to speak UP , or talk about feelings or talk about when SHE herself is wrong and that's ok to make mistakes. So now she's a self hating , depressed child in therapy who's mom still never changed. She can't barely socialize around other kids, because soon as anything goes wrong instead of handling it on the spot she waits a long time to tell her mom. When she does mom takes her side completely (even when she's in the wrong 100%) and it never gets talked about. It's gotten to the point she can't come over without trying to get into some kind of trouble with my son (but he will tell on her or try to stop it,or go along with it bc he's special needs & nieve) so I can't leave her alone with my youngest (who is 1yr younger,but special needs asd so not on her level agewise) but my older kids can not deal with her. If she's not being "bad" she is holding in information about stuff that's bothering her and then blames the wrong people. Maybe you can understand and see why I am so concerned for her. Oh and news flash... my predictions about her being molested may have come true...sadly . It's gotten that out of hand.
Because you said how your mom was. And it's so much like my sis is with her child but worse. I wish my family would beleive me. I tried to tell our mom and other sibling how badly screwed up my niece is becoming (and will be) as a teen and adult. And why it is such a terrible idea they are supporting my sis keep the inborn baby ,and not pushing her for adoption for the best interest of the baby's future. If you are on here because you know how bad your parent/s messed you up you can imagine why it's so important for people like my sis to let go and allow someone else to raise the baby. She's also been on&off being unemployed literally her older child's whole life, always struggling and jumping from one abusive man to the next constantly moving every year or two. So about every two years they end up moving (always from an abusive ex and/or poverty).This is the perfect recipe to totally s rew up this baby boy. She already has very unhealthy relationships with men, stated her disappointment in the baby not being a boy and she isn't going to screw him up? Holy crap this little baby boy is going to be even worse off than his older sister, in the future if she doesn't give him up for adoption ! But she is keeping the baby.
Every time I watch your videos I think “that’s okay to be upset about?” Or “that’s a toxic behavior???” Thank you for helping me shift my perspective.
You don't have to know what's toxic behaviour, you feel it in your guts.
If you're reading this, you're beautiful and I hope you have a good day!
💜💜💜
same for you!!
You are beautiful too. Thank you.
“Choosing bad partners” 😢 I recognize that in myself.
Thank you for the excellent insightful video. As an adult from a traumatic childhood hood I had so many blind spots concerning abusive people, but I am learning and I have been able to distance myself from such relationships to be at peace and enjoy life. Life is short and the childhood baggage is heavy and painful, but with God's help we can grow and heal and be healthy, and keep learning because the truth sets us free!
"Maybe I'm just utterly insensitive and too demanding...."
Many examples
Aged 18 my mother at my Father's funeral called me utterly selfish when I cried...
When I tried to speak to my brother at my Mums funeral when he invited a friend who had nothing to do with our family who after the funeral tried to push us together to take pictures...crazy making..,I was excluded from speaking about my Mum....I asked the funeral director and she gave me space,,,I said I truly loved my mum but she was a very challenging person.,and caused me and others pain..,that's honest...
The world would be much better if every single one of us did our own individual work on ourselves.
The positive coworker part! I’ve struggled so hard with trying to be that all the time. When I couldn’t, well… it didn’t go over well.
Wow, that 5 column exercise was probably more helpful than the numerous fights and arguments I've had with said toxic people.
This is an insightful look into what mistakes we could be making in our relationships. I ask myself questions when I feel triggered, like," Why do I feel this way?" Also," Where is this coming from?" I have made many mistakes over the years, but hope to become more grounded and centered in the golden years.
After watching three of your videos about relationships and trauma, I immediately realized from the first time you mentioned it that I'm the lawyer type. With the reason being that I see love as a battlefield like it has to be something that should be fought for and be desperate about because my parents only cared about me when I'm fighting for my needs and crying. I thought I'm over seeking other people's validation but really it took another form, an aggressive form which I'm not proud of. I observed in my parent's fighting styles from when I was a kid, they would fight and make up happier. But then, when I became an adult, they went from conflict resolution to conflict avoidant. I always see them getting triggered but would not talk about it. So I thought maybe fighting is the better option. I will be provoking fights in every trigger as to avoid the relationship my parents have where my father is always on edge and my mother acts like a child and they both choose to ignore it. So, I always see trigger points and would always want to solve it AT THAT MOMENT. So I go into lawyer mode in a way to not avoid the conflict. Also because my whole extended family ignore the fact that my alcoholic selfish uncle always ruins the gathering. Which fucked up with my reality like, "are we gonna do something about this?" And they never do, as to my family about my mom and her controlling issues and childish narcissistic tendencies. So, when there's conflict, I always go lawyer mode to solve it immediately. And I do see the aggressiveness in that but I just never knew how deep the reason was. I go into Lawyer mode because yes I feel alone in the conflict, I'm the only one seeing the wrong and at the same time I feel that no one's gonna resolve the conflict if not me so I fight to no ends of the earth. And I don't want this little thing to mess up the relationship so I want to acknowledge it quicker but I miss the part where it's a little thing. That's also a problem for me, I'm hypervigelant to triggers because I want to know the littlest trigger from my mom and avoid her while it's still little. But I don't realize that other people's little trigger on me won't blow up to an abuse everytime. So, I don't have to be on fight mode all the time. It's true that I sometimes picture my partner as my abusive caregiver because I feel that i should always be on protect mode because anyone who's attempting to love me, wants to abuse me too. I think the "authenticiy" question is helpful. I should recognise what's authentic and inauthentic in a person as to not be in a fight mode all the time. As always, thank you so much! This gave me a big sigh of relief on being aware.
Thanks for your video's. There is so much to uncover with childhood trauma.
I was seeing this guy. Full of rules. It made it into a challenge for me. "Only if i get it right and make the right moves, then i can unlock his love and approval and affection" aka conditional love. Not being loved for who i am. But who i need to be. Childhood core pain.
Wow! Never heard all of this explained so clearly! Thank you so much!
I literally blind to anyone who might be bad for me. Its horrible, feels better to be alone. But at the same time I'm desperate to be "protected". If I was born male, I would have physical strength to stand up for myself.
I use to believe the same thing (being a boy would make life easier as a child), but that's most likely not true... just fantasy thinking.
as a male you would simply have been jumped by older and stronger males before you even get chance to grow. Its dark anyway yo look at it
As a male, I can say it's equally powerless to be a 3~13 year old dealing with psychological, emotional and even physical abuse. Me and my older sister had to walk on egg shells with our stay-at-home
Mom. The crime of playing too loudly would turn old smaog into a rage dragon with a wooden spoon, flying out of the kitchen within a fraction of a second. My sister became her pet and supply. I was bewildered and shut down. Which got me unlimited amounts of abuse from the two of them, my sister blaming me to keep the wrath off of her. Oh, it gets worse. My mom "homeschooled" us all. So, I have a 4th grade education. Well, that's an exaggeration. I never finished the 4th grade. I was threatened to be sent to school if I didn't do my homeschool work. But I had already shut down half a lifetime before I started 1st grade... What a psycho idiot! A masters of education and math wiz couldn't even teach her own son how to do long division. 😂 what an idiot...
This shook me quite well. I was always in those relationships where I was providing love and support to the partner, while he hated me for 20 days and cared for me for one. I have this gift to tirelessly search for bits of light in others and finding reasons why they are like they are, even if inherently bad and horrible to others.
And when I finally found a great partner who was willing to work out, I guilt-tripped myself into a spiral of not deserving to be loved, and he backed off because he too is kinda messed up, but he pushed all his insecurities under the surface, until everything jumped out and he walled himself out of fear as well.
It's a hectic and rocky road in front of me and I am genuinely scared to see what will happen next, yet I am willing to work it out. It's me... and my problematic views on myself, being a scared, wounded and lost child deep inside.
Thanks for helping me wake up, Patrick!
Started codependency inner work during dating. Because I grew up in a toxic home with two narc parents, I did not know what a trauma bond was yet. The watching of many videos, I went Grey Rock with the covert narcissist. He ended ( discarded me) because I discovered who he was however, I couldn't let him go the first time he manipulated me. I did not know that it was an addiction. That push and pull gave me anxiety. I had many Blindspot. I now have boundaries to protect myself whether they are toxic or not. I am learning to be accountable with myself, accepting myself and loving me. No more people pleasing. His discard was a gift. I am healing now. I went 0 contact with him.
I love how you have the gift to explain things like no one I've ever er heard! Thank you for helping me understand why I've always ignored the red flags and chosen toxic people. I stuck with them thinking it was me! Repeat of my alcoholic mother. My last choice emotionally unavailable. What a process!
What pushed me to end a toxic friendship was me becoming a mother. Maybe I could endure it or tolerate it when it was me taking care of me, but with my twins relying on my emotional house being in order, that friendship needed to go. Mama bear mode activated.
The timeliness of this video has given me a great deal of insight into a current struggle with a close friend. I see better now how we unknowingly have been triggering each other
I wish I knew this in my 20’s. In my 50’s now. Thanks so much for this video.
You touch on all of it. I'm not perfect but over the past 12 years (lots of therapy, marrying a good man and having children, and going no contact with a BPD mother) I have done a lot of healing and each of these issues I distinctly remember realizing and working on. Specifically how obvious toxic people are to me now and trusting my intuition, aka, not questioning if I AM the one who is wrong, but just recognizing the crazy in others. Such a relief. I'd also note that in my healing, especially in the beginning, I oscillated between being too hard and not hard enough. I'd say now I've reached a good balance...most of the time! I can see the gray areas in people more often, though my tolerance for "taking their issues on" is way less. Healing is possible, you just need patience and the willingness to be seen as "the jerk" in your family (but the more boundaries you set and more healing you do, the less their opinions will matter). 🤗 PS: Great videos with lots of good takeaways! Sent a couple of the role playing ones to my brother.
"... childhoods where no one talks about what's going on." Oh God yes. You are helping me re-enter the dating world more safely. I can't thank you enough.
I quit my family, which is a lot, literally, 5 brothers and my only sister who aided my ex-husband in trying to take my kids from me, it didn't work. I like to consider myself as the 'truth teller'. You can tell when I am telling the truth, that is when their bellowing begins. I told my mother I hated her. What she did to me was so much worse than telling one's mother you hate her, (not one of my proudest achievements believe me) but you would think it was the absolute worse thing one could ever do. As I said, I am the truth teller.
I get this.
I understand.... (Same) ♥️💪
I am also a truth teller, I had to abandon my family of origin. They hate the truth!!
This was a great session. You have a non-threatening way of communicating and share enough of yourself to be relatable and trustworthy. Thank you.