Consequences For Misbehavior | 6 Specific Examples
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 ม.ค. 2020
- Correcting kids' misbehavior is tricky for most parents. But there are a lot of ways to do it positively and still help them stick with the right behavior. In today's episode, Vicki and I give you concrete examples you can follow to effectively enforce consequences whenever your kids act up or make trouble.
00:16 2 kinds of consequences
01:09 Give something they don't want
01:26 No card
02:38 Red chips
03:17 Essay
03:46 Some consequences require maturity
04:22 Take away what they want
04:42 Response cost
05:17 Treats in pockets
06:55 As soon as instead of not at all
08:12 Turning services into consequences
09:34 Be creative
Watch and Enjoy!
Dr. Paul Jenkins
WHAT TO WATCH NEXT
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How To Use Natural And Logical Consequences
• How To Use Natural And...
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I love the addition of "to my satisfaction." I said this to my children because children will test you
Yes, they will.
I’m going through a custody battle for my 2 girls and man it’s been rough around the house lately. Being a single parent is hard, if I could just control my temper I think we’d make so much more progress 😢 I was pretty distraught until I found Live on Purpose. Thank you so much!! Really been putting my smile muscles to work this week haha
You are going to come out of this stronger and the parent your children need.
I love your videos. I have to comment about your 2-page essay punishment though. I'm a writer. For me writing is a joy, a treasure. This is because of how I was raised. Getting a new notebook & pen was the greatest present. Making writing an essay a punishment sets up writing, any writing, as something to be hated, something avoided. I would suggest parents be very careful with what they present as negative activities. I knew a lady who arranged for her children to be excited over housecleaning, especially the toilet. Our attitudes toward activities can set up our children for life.
Amber Klein, when we write something out, we need to take time to think about the words. It gets us thinking a little deeper.
Or it may get a child who hates writing start to like it when they realize they can be creative with their responses.
A big shout out to how much you have both helped me and my husband parent our two, very diverse daughters. We are infinitely better parents thanks to the loving and supportive parenting techniques you have provided. thank you!!
That is awesome! We are honored to be on your team.
Hey guys I am so pleased I stumbled across your channel, it’s very informative and easy to watch. Once again a great video with great ideas, keep up the great work 👍
I am also grateful you stumbled across this channel, haley pankhurst! Thank you for watching, I am honored to be on your team.
Love you guys so much! Thank you for all the useful videos God bless you
Our pleasure!
Thank you for this. My 7 year old son would cry and get himself even more upset that he would punch the wall, throw stuff, and just scream bloody murder. I explained to him that it's perfectly okay to cry (I gave him examples) but not when he has done something wrong. I told him you could cry, that's cool with me but for every minute you cry that equals to one day of no TV. Boy did those 1 hour of fighting back and forth turn into 14 seconds and then now once in a blue moon.
Lizette Ani, I hope others see this comment. Perfect way to understand what you control and use it.
ZQAa,
Isn't it suppressing the child's anger when you do that?
Be careful with this one. Crying is needed to release emotion but scream crying and whaling for attention is a no no.
@@strawberryme08 If the child scream cries or whales for attention, then the child does not feel he or she gets the attention needed. The child's behavior reflects the needs of the child. They don't do it to manipulate. They want to have their needs met, just like adults want.
When in need i come on your channel to find a solution to my problem. Thank you!
Wow, I am so honored to be on your team, That's Life Caro! You may like my new Live On Purpose Central then. If you haven't already, please check it out: liveonpurposecentral.com/order-form1590696228507
Great tips.... love the sit on your pockets... 😁
S T, haha, yes, it's very visual for the children. Thanks for watching.
Great advice ! Thank you ! ❤
You are so welcome!
This is awesome!! Thank you!
You are welcome, Kristie. Thanks for being here!
Awesome Sir and Madam. Thanks a lot for your great ideas, i really appreciate and again a HUGE Thanks💟
You are very welcome, Shameema Hooriyah. Thank you for being a part of the Live On Purpose community.
I’m gunna use the goodie bag for our wedding for next year.. lol our son will be 4 by then butttttt I can see him wanting to stand up by us and doing a lot of talking or asking a million questions lol
Get him used to it before the wedding so he understands what it means. Otherwise, it might not be as effective. Good luck and congrats.
I appreciate your channel very much when the episodes are focused helping kids live and make choices based on life-promoting principles like honesty. Thank you-you have helped me develop a better relationship with my stepson.
The ideas of this episode, however, is not based on such principles but rather based on parental control and punishment, which doesn’t help kids experientially understand the direct consequences for their poor choices that impact themselves and others. One of the suggestions you gave about making a child who breaks a curfew with an essay about the harms of the action is very problematic in that it conflates the issues and is relying on the assumption that kids hate essay writing in general. As an English teacher, I really have a problem with parents using writing as a form of punishment. It just confuses kids when we don’t help them directly connect the consequences to their choices and actions. The whole premise of rewards and punishment can also very demeaning to the kids. Alfie Kohn’s Punished by Rewards helped me as a principled-driven educator understand this point and shift my teaching and coaching practice. Another life-changing philosophy is that of non-violent communication (NVC) by the late Marshall Rosenberg. Perhaps these are some ideas you might consider looking into. Again, thank you so much for your channel. It has improved my parenting so much! 🙏
The assignment is not really as punishment, but to get them to think. I have realized so many things in life by trying to express them in writing that it can be eye-opening.
Thank u for all your advice i will do them and let ya knw if it worked with my kids
Please do!
It will be so important to hear something wise about videogames and how to prevent or treat the child’s gaming adiction. Thank you in advance
Angela, you are welcome.
Yes this would be useful.
Priceless!
Mariel Ariane, thanks.
Love these ideas
Heidi Holom, thank you, I am honored to be on your team.
I'm a teacher. I do the card placing, too. Also the positiv wording works. I tell them, we will have time for talking or a game, if they have completed their tasks to my satisfaction.
Love the positive reinforcement. Thank you for your dedication to teaching.
What about the child who says, "Okay. I don't want to clean my room. It's okay if I don't go to that place, so I'm not going to clean my room. "? And that's the way it is for days at a time. That's the part I find exhausting. Blatant defiance combined with a stubborn spirit.
Zaka Leon, remember there are two choices and you control one. Put the one you control into effect and then don't worry about it.
Clean the room OUT!
Someone wrote the way out in some channel. "My children didn't listen to me and i collected all their toys and things in the room and hid it". To return back their stuff they had to clean every day. At a day they could get back only one thing or toy out of all.
Things like TV, videogames or whatever privileges he enjoys are rewards for good behavior and following rules, and you as a parent control those things because you paid for them, so they're utimately your belongings. So it's his choice to not clean his room, but the consequence for that choice could be losing those privileges he enjoys.
Take everything out of the room while they are gone. Having a bed, dresser etc. is a privilege, not a right.
Awesome tips, thanks.
Glad it was helpful!
Love this channel
Powerful
Thank you, that means a lot.
Theres not a lot of "You tube" channels that I" like "before even seeing them...
But this is one of them. ☺
THANK YOU for sharing..
Love having you here, Wendi Watson.
What if they laugh about anything you try when they are in trouble? She's 4 years old and doesn't care. tried stickers, points everything, prize box, everything she literally says, I don't care or gets rewarded, then she does bad behavior again
It will take some consistency to reward the good behavior and give her consequences for the behavior you don't want to see. She is just 4 so use a calm face, calm body and voice when you deal with her. Don't do so in anger.
Thank you!
You're welcome!
Great ideas!
Thanks for commenting.
One of the most helpful videos I have watched. And I love all of them. Wouldn’t mind more videos on the same topic. Thanks a lot!
Sara Ares, We will consider it for the next shoot. Thanks-
They don't know what they are talking about. With a masters is child development and 12 years working with children who are high needs these techniques are NOT acceptable
So, I believe this guy has a PhD in child psychology. So there’s that.
For all parents of little ones, please don't wait on this. The things you fear, like they'll run away, etc, they can do when they are older. Don't give in when they are little, it just makes your life hard. Hang in there, you are off to a good start!
Thanks for your support and positivity.
Recently started devouring all your videos. Great work. I like how you are not general in your explanations. Also, is the free mini book still available? The links do not work anymore. Thank you for your work and a BIG thank you for time-stamping the video for quick reference. 👍
Darren Bishop, yes, go to drpauljenkins.info/portablepositivity
Response cost! I love this!
So powerful!
Very helpful
Good to know.
I am learning so much from your videos …thanjavur thank you so much my 12 year old is bad condition she is on stage 1
All the best, thank you for watching. I hope your 12 year old can watch some videos and understand she can take responsibility for her behavior and the outcomes.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV I make her watch these video …she is already my mother then she will become my grand mother how I will handle her
So 'Response Cost' startegy looks something interesting that will match my 7yr old son. Also I will make this change in myself to put the words like ' you do this when you done doing that ' rather than saying negatively like ' if you don't do this, then you won't do that.
While watching you talk on your videos, it makes me wonder if you know my son already 😁😁
slyer99, kids share many traits.
I love the zip lock bag idea but if I take anything out my fournager will lose her little marble. At home I'm ok with it but when we are out I prefer to avoid a tantrum as it usually results in us leaving where ever we are as my child likes to scream and lay on the floor for anywhere up to an hour 🙁
samibeecroft, thank you for watching and trying to be a better parent for your child. I'm honored to have you here on the channel. If you can remember, have a quick conversation before leaving the house to remind them how things work. Make sure there are enough items in the bag that you can take away as many as necessary and still have enough (even just 1 or 2) to give the child. For more ideas on tantrums, maybe you would like to watch these:
"How To Deal With Child Temper Tantrums" - th-cam.com/video/7G_MfS-aQx0/w-d-xo.html
"What To Do When Your Child Throws A Temper Tantrum" - th-cam.com/video/PiINOqZ6cYk/w-d-xo.html
"How To Deal With Toddler Tantrums" - th-cam.com/video/t5eCDgYGX0Q/w-d-xo.html
From WebMD "5 Tantrum Red Flags"
"Very long tantrums. A five-minute tantrum can seem like a million years to a parent. But kids who consistently have tantrums that last more than 25 minutes may have underlying problems. "A normal child may have a tantrum that lasts an hour, but the next one lasts 30 seconds. These children with psychiatric disorders are having 25-minute or longer tantrums 90% of the time," Belden says." www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20071219/5-tantrum-red-flags
This video is really good ❤️
Thank you.
Consequences just make my 4 year old angry and then his behavior worsens. Take the toys, no TV time, time out, chores etc. Work some of the time but often he just goes right back to bullying his sister. Time outs are horrible, he hits the door and tries to break things in his room. I took all of the toys out of his room for throwing them around when he gets mad. Time in becomes, try to play with mommy time and when I give the extra attention or when I don't he still goes back to bullying. We talk about feelings and ask what is needed etc
Try to play games together to build connection , try to give model how to be a friend to sister , I'm literally at my wits ends. He just wants to be a bully and he doesn't care if he loses everything for it, he will just get angry. If I sit with him in his anger it passes and then the behavior comes back as soon as we are done. If Ignore the anger it becomes violent.
You might need some family counseling to work out the dynamics.
Prevention is better than cure🔑Don't present or introduce video Games to kids in the First Place, from tge beginning keep them busy BEFORE THEY GROW ON YOU, this way, you dont need to punish nor be harsh nor create arguments
At some point they will be introduced to videos as it is part of our world. We can limit the exposure and what types of games they have. Young children do not need video games. They need to learn about their world.
I've been doing so well until the past 2 days. They've been rough, I've tried and the kids just seem to keep pushing until i can't stay calm anymore, and I'm trying to remember all of the tips but my memory is terrible. Then i feel like the few weeks that have been good are thrown out
SodaColaClassic, they are never thrown out or wasted. Each day is a new day to begin again.
I try to put all your tips in practice but unfortunately my 5 year old it’s not getting any better. We are in the process of assessment for ADHD/ADD. PLEASE do more videos to help us with that subject. I feel like many times it’s not my son’s fault for his behavior but I still get upset and I don’t really understand him or know how to help him? If he really does have any of those disorders, how do I treat him? How do I help him or help myself to better understand the way he acts either in public, school or when I ask him to do a simple task like putting his shoes and he gets distracted all of the time?
Beatriz Sandoval, thank you for being here on the channel. Parenting is the hardest job, and can be even more difficult when there is a child with special needs. I do have some videos on ADHD, and just recorded another one that should be coming out soon.
"How To Help Kids With ADHD" - th-cam.com/video/wNqziiKyigY/w-d-xo.html
"How To Get A Kid With ADHD To Focus" - th-cam.com/video/KbB2y0rYvk4/w-d-xo.html
"Proven Natural Remedies For ADHD In Children" - th-cam.com/video/5IbWguzqgWo/w-d-xo.html
"How To Parent A Child With ADHD" - th-cam.com/video/Fgu-_me7TE4/w-d-xo.html
Please don't forget we also have a Positive Parenting playlist: th-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCclxt6agg3wrLBRkL7CCwU.html
We also have a free 25 minute parenting breakthrough call with one of our Live On Purpose coaches. If you think that might be useful to you, here's the link to schedule: DrPaulJenkins.com/breakthroughcall
Some changes in diet may help calm your child down. Like less sugar ... more complex sugars like honey or fresh fruits as too much sugar or carbs and not enough nutrition meaning avoiding fast food or junk food ... more fruit veggie lean meats and lentals along with whole wheat help calm mind and body down... also bc of time and energy constraints i use a crock pot to cook its easy clean up and does not need as much constant attention... do not know enough about your specific situation but studies do show that vitamin B complex is also helpful... helps calm nerves and is water soluable. Lastly... japa, rosary, or prayer help calm mind and body so its easier to focus and concentrate... hope this helps.
Limiting screen time, and monitoring CONTENT really helped my stepson, and my niece who was diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago. We actually cut off TH-cam entirely for both.
Specially for my niece, my sister treats her the same as her little sister (who is much more calmer and much more obedient). Routines, organization, and stricter parenting, and limiting screen time and content, have worked WONDERS for both of them! It used to be a daily battle, like you said, getting distracted. But routines, like bedtime/morning set expectations, and consequences for not following. And having “a spot for everything”. Label it, if you have to, with pictures (as they still can’t read). And a set list (walk it through for them) of what “cleaning their room” means, of what “being ready for school/bed” means. And consequences for not listening the first time. But like it is very much stressed, don’t forget to embrace them with love! The more they fall into that routine, the less consequences you have to hold your ground on, and the easier and easier it becomes!
BTW, my sister chose to opt out of medications, and seek counseling therapy for the ADHD. And that’s the only thing (differently) she has been doing for her, the rest is the same as you would any other kid. Hope that relieves some of your anxiety about how to approach parenting with a child with ADHD. Even if your child struggles, they will catch up, both in behavior and academics! Just stay consistent!
@@SquallyParkour watch positive info and listen to positive music or listen to books on audio. As these maybe positive options.
I like the examples
Thank you, ash Edyson.
“I don’t want a red chip!” 😄😄😄
Thanks for watching.
I love these and my parents used these with me lol
Rachel G., it sounds like you had loving parents and that you turned out pretty great! Thanks for watching.
Having a difficult time with my teens and consequences...the level of disrespect from them brings a great deal of hurt to my heart. I feel like I have no control in my own household...I feel sad about this.
Sorry this is happening to you. I hope you get some helpful strategies from the channel.
Dr. Paul its great to listen to you and I watch all videos of your which give a great insight. I m dealing with stubborn behaviour of my 13yrs old girl child, where when I take away her gadget as consequences, that puts her in more aggressive behaviour. Pls suggests what should I do?
Aditi Kanwar, Explain the how she can get her privileges back and give her an incentive for getting them back quicker if her behavior is positive.
I would love to hear your thoughts on how to handle a child who refuses the instruction of going into the time out or writing that 2 page essay as a consequence for bad behaviors.
Tera Mehrenberg, is the 2 page essay something they are capable of? I guess if it is an older kid, they can choose not to do the essay, but they don't get the car keys until they do it. Get the idea? When they want the privilege, they will do the work. A child who won't go to time out loses something else.
Talk with your child. Consequences like losing something iffff, will only worsen the bonding of the parent and child. And that will be detrimental later on
I like the idea of the red chips for rude language. I was just wondering how to deal with this from my 4 year old. Thank you!
You are welcome! Good luck.
Ps….. you two are fabulous!!
Thanks, Sue.
When a child is punished... they get angry frustrated and may even hate you for it... how to deal, manage and address this?
sumita sharma Not punish. Think of it. How would you feel if your husband said "I will not give you money for house because your behavior is bad." It's just not respectful and as you said, causes resentment.
sumita sharma, thank you for being here on the channel. I am honored to be on your positive parenting journey with you. Remember that you need to take care of yourself first (sleep, healthy living, positive mindset, etc.). When a child gets upset about a punishment, tie it back to their behavior. And most of all, make sure they know you LOVE them. I have a few possible resources for you. I'm not sure how long you have been part of the Live On Purpose community, but if you haven't seen this video, I recommend it: "Importance Of Positive Parenting" - th-cam.com/video/___FsHd8UDE/w-d-xo.html
Then we have a whole playlist on positive parenting: th-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCclxt6agg3wrLBRkL7CCwU.html
We also have a program called "The Parenting Power-Up" - www.parentingpowerup.com/optin-33156182
Lastly, we have a free 25 minute parenting breakthrough call with one of our Live On Purpose coaches. If you would like to schedule one, here's the link: DrPaulJenkins.com/breakthroughcall
@@hinahinananoha7783 I don't know about the kid, but if husband refuses to give you money for the house, let the necessities go. See how he likes living in the dark with no water for a shower and no dinner on the table.
I just discovered Dr. Paul Jenkins and his wife Vicki, actually 7 months ago or so. They have helped me tremendously. My kids are 18 y.o. Girl and 16 y.o. Boys. My husband and I did a great job overall when they are young up to middle school. There core is good, but they go through normal developmental changes that we were not ready” the teen years.” Watch dr. Jenkins’ videos about positive parenting based on 3 moral stages of development. That video gave me an “Aha” moment for sure. Do not feel guilty to teach them. After I watch the videos, I forward them to my husband, and then I ask him to be united with me in moving forward to teach them and hold them accountable in a positive way. But, it takes patience and perseverance from us parents to follow through on our actions. Hopes this helps
I'm a people pleaser I find myself giving in cause I dont want them to.be mad at me and hate me I know I need to work in this big time
I feel it's better to take something away because things like time out you don't have control and they will fight not to be in time out, which the U have to keep putting them back in time out. If you take it away you can simply grab it and the conscience is done, not having to take 5 mins or what ever you choose for timeout of them feeling torture.
James Klaro, we all wish our kids came with an owners manual, Some kids respond to one thing more than other. We have to try different things and know what drives our kids.
My daughter is 10, she will be 11 in two months. Lately she has been screaming, nagging constantly about everything, she has attitude about every chore and does not understand responsibility. I often blame myself and wonder where did I go wrong? Your video about the levels of maturity, showed me that she us definitely in level 1, she is immature. I am comparing it to my step son who is 14 and is at level 2. Willing to cooperate and does the chores without all the drama.
My dilemma is getting her a phone when she is immature and irresponsible?
I am completely against phones before I know for sure she is mature enough to use the phone appropriately, however my partner is active military and is gone frequently and I work in a correctional facility as a registered nurse and I have no other way of communication with my children other than over a phone.
How do I handle this? What should I expect?
Thank you for educating us parents ❤
She is on stage 1 and needs consequences. Consider a membership to go.liveonpurposecentral.com for a few months to access the courses and groups that will help you navigate this time of your life and parenting.
i am going to try poker chips.. i just ordered them... red is for take aways... and blue is for rewards... I'll let you's know how it works Lol 🤷♀
Wonderful.
Have you dealt with ODD -Oppositional Defiance Disorder? & Any Video that will help ???
Thanks,
Tina
Vatina Hassan, why yes I do! "How To Deal With A Child With ODD" - th-cam.com/video/wwJvM0sWsBg/w-d-xo.html. Thank you for watching.
@Nikki Bentley Is My Angel ODD does exist. My ex had it and that was one of the reasons he was abusive.
When my children were a little older, at church I would start with them getting three scoops of when we got home. However this required a lot of paying attention to them on my part but after a few months we just had ice cream after. So this how it worked. As they misbehaved they lost scoops of ice cream and as they behaved they got the scoops back. Usually by the end of church they at least had one scoop. I can see how what you did probably would would have worked at a younger age because it would have been immediate.
Thank you for sharing, I can see how this could be very effective.
This is why I’m watching this video because during church my 2 year old runs, screams, and wiggles off my arms when I try to take him somewhere else 😓
OK...the kid that I know would actually scream BLOODY MURDER if his reward was taken from that bag. So much for peace in church. I'm NOT KIDDING. lol
Take him home and let him cry all he wants, and ignore him until he stops, he eventually will. He should understand that rewards are only for good behavior. Teach that actions have consequences and stick with it.
If you keep being afraid of him getting frustrated, he will use it to walk all over you. Let him learn to deal with frustration.
Mmcg, try it out at home and take another if they scream.
He also doesn’t care about rewards because he literally already has everything. If you take things away it works temporarily, but he never learns his lesson.
Snoozilla, you may want to take something away a little longer.
Which video is the "fee" video
Well, privileges are supposed to be rewards for good behavior every single day. It's not fair to give them "everything" just for breathing. He should understand that everything he enjoys is only given to him if he keeps up good behavior everyday.
btw,,, the poker chips are working! I still need to get the repercussions down pat but 👍
Awesome! Thank you for letting me know.
Great job now she's on the left of the screen so ppl see her better 🙏😄
N Avedian, she is my shining star.
I'm doing everything possible but the boy I take care of gets physical and violent when he is upset. How do you approach this situation? He does this with everyone in the house hold: mom, dad, younger brother, nanny, etc.
Yadhira Rivera, be consistent. Figure out the triggers and try to avoid them.
She even says to me you are not my mother , you don't behave like a mother. She starts panicking a lot as soon as she gets consequences or timings to finish some tasks... Please please help me what should i do?
In a very calm manner, deliver the consequences and don't argue with her.
My kid takes things personal, if something is taken away or not given or if he does something he’s not suppose to he blames himself and says he’s stupid and dumb. Is he manipulating us?
I don't know if he is attempting to manipulate. I would express confidence in him and that he can make good choices.
If i ate the candy in church he would melt down screaming and crying . Might have to do that in another setting first.
You can decide to take him out at that point or do something else.
If i did the treat baggie consequence, my kids would protest loudly, even if we're in public
Hi Dr Paul. What if the kid doesn't care if their toys/favoritething taken?
Try something else.
This is the kind of thinking that leads to the incredible misbehavior I’ve seen exponentially growing over the past 14 years in teaching. This advice might work for a specific group of child temperaments, but it doesn’t work for most children. Like most ideologues, these two believe their advice based on a limited amount of information. I can tell you, seeing hundreds of kids ever year, you should work on the front side of things. They push the idea of building relationships in schools, but most of it is disingenuous and superficial. My own children are very well behaved because of the heavy amount of conversations we’ve had since they could speak. Making real world consequences understandable has helped them to realize what can be at stake. These two come off superficial and that may not be true, but kids can’t stand that and they won’t listen to someone who acts like they know it all. I’ve told my daughter since she was 5 that I make everything up as I go. She is more mature than me sometimes. Imagine that.
My wife works in the school system and these have worked.
He would be like, "ok then we don't go to the soccer game"... but if i say... you will not have any time on the electronic if you don't..." That work... and i very much dislike that that is the only things that works
You are not alone.
Regarding the "taking away something"......out of the bag. I am picturing my child's behavior or emotions getting worse if I take something out of the bag. If the child's emotions get worse due to getting upset and I continue to remove "whatever" out of the bag and in turn the behavior or scene intensifies, what then? Is this scenario suppose to work with all children or some children. Are all children different in terms of what they respond to? I have a feeling that this would just lead to a bigger issue?
Cristin Georgeton, thank you for watching. Each child is unique and you as the parent know your child the best. If you want to try out the reward bag, be calm when you take something out and be empathetic with your child's emotions. Your calm face, calm body, calm voice are the most important piece. Be empathetic and ignore his/her bad behavior. Let us know how it goes.
You just have to let the child handle their frustration on their own and ignore it. The kid will be upset, but it won't last forever. Eventually they will understand that bad behavior has consequences and that you stick with the consequences. But if you give in to their demands just because you're afraid of them crying, you'll eventually be letting them rule you and never teach them anything.
So basically train them like a dog? Not in a bad way, but as in giving them treats when they do good and taking something they like if they don’t do good or disobey? Sounds pretty interesting 🤔
Vicky Andersen, young children tend to increase good behavior when there are positive consequences, whether that is a treat, sticker, coin, praise, or a number of other things. As they get older, the parent wants to turn the praise inward so that the child doesn't rely on outside approval of their accomplishments. As for discipline, every person should learn to discipline themselves in order to contribute to a healthy and functional society. Thanks for watching.
If you did that...I'd love to have you as a mom! Js
Well, yes. People are kinda similar to dogs in some ways lol
would you please record and share a video about raising an only child successfully? how should we prevent disadvantages of an only child?
thanks for the input.
What about adults that work with children like teachers, coaches and Scout leaders?
Work with the parents so everyone knows what is going on.
When I was a child my mom just pinched me or tore my ear lobe off and that worked on me, but i would still misbehave because I would get a pinch or two every service. The rewarding part sounds good but how do you reward a two year old who is on his terrible twos and just wants to scream and run away from you 😓😣
Patience and keep trying. Know some of this is normal and will be outgrown.
If a 9 year old doesn’t want what’s for dinner and goes and pouts, what do you do? Let him go without anything til breakfast?! Let him find something different himself? Help
Sue Pederson, you decide what works in your family. If he is 9, you could let him go without or teach him what is o.k. to eat and if he wants to make himself a pb&j or something acceptable, he can as long as he cleans up. You get to decide what to do.
Hi, when I give consequences to my 6 year old for not doing something or for not listening then she starts shouting very loudly and starts beginning crazily that you can't give me consequence. Even she says.."better I would not have come to this world" or better "I would have died" so it feels to me giving consequences or starting counting is not good for her mental health? How should i handled this situation?
Samiksha, When she is out of control I wouldn't say much, when she is calm, talk to her on her level. Let her know that you love her no matter what and even if... then practice what she can do when she is full of emotions. Don't give in to her manipulation. Consequences are for people who are on stage 1.
Take it away and the kid throws an epic fit for the next hour
haha I have the same issue. Its like one conciquence turns into trying to battle another behavior issue.
I hear you, Damon Davis. If offering to take away something they want or add something they don't want doesn't get them to calm down and think about their behavior, let them have the tantrum in their room with the door closed. Remember to model for the child a calm voice, calm face, calm body, and then let them know that you are willing to talk to them when they are calm like you. If you do this consistently, things should start turning more positive after a little while. Thank you for being here on the channel.
Let them throw a fit. At least they will learn to deal with frustration. But stick with consequences, or else your kid will use your fear of their tantrums as a way to push you around.
If i had a son and I catch my son being rude and disrespectful, I'll make him do PT corrective training. If I see his friends, I'll tell them to walk away or they'll be joining him on the punishment. And I'm the son of my military father and I learned those tactics from him.
The kids will learn this: "you either get smarter or get stronger. The choice is and will always be yours"
Thanks for commenting, dominique Jackson.
Tried the essay/report with my 16 year old. She proceeded to yell and list the reasons she can’t do the essay, etc. I do not think she is at stage 2 (maturity)
Amanda P, you are correct. If the child refuses to do the essay, that means they are on stage 1 - which means consequences they have no control over. Perhaps next time you can give her a choice? Ex: "Either you can do an essay on (fill in the blank), or I can take away your phone for 2 days." Another way is to know what stage she's on before assigning a consequence, is to simply ask her. If she is not familiar with the stages, invite her to watch "How To Convince Your Parents To Get You A Phone" - th-cam.com/video/Zpuqf9N6KhQ/w-d-xo.html. Or you may want to visit the "Just for kids and teens" playlist to see if there is something more relevant to her - th-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCicx6xcJ5ZJzVe9UBlRTQV.html. Thank you for being here on the channel. I am honored to be on your positive parenting journey with you.
@Nikki Bentley Is My Angel if a 16 year old isn't a child, they should be acting like an adult. They should have a job, their own transportation, buy their own supplies and food, cook for themselves and clean up, respect the other household members by coming in at a decent hour without being told, do their own laundry and not leave it for someone else to fold, so it isn't in their way, know how a trash can works, take responsibility for the guests they bring into the house, speak to other respectfully, all without being told. So, no, if a 16 year old is not a child, they should not be punished, because they should not be doing anything that needs to be punished. Age has nothing to do with being an adult. I live with a 60 year old that does not do most of the things I listed above.
@Nikki Bentley Is My Angel my father-in-law can't throw away his own empty cigarette pack, can't make his bed, slams doors when he doesn't get his way, brings his great niece and nephew over ever weekend and let's them destroy the house, does nothing but watch TV and sleep. I had to give him gas money three times last week. Not everyone is like you.
@@stephanieholmes5272 Even adults need consequences from those who work with them/provide for them. If he won't be responsible with the car and who he brings over, he has no right to gas money. If he won't pick up his cigarette packs while in your house, then you are only shooting yourself in the foot if you get him more. I suspect that going through withdrawal will be a powerful motivator once he knows that your boundaries are firm.
@@stephanieholmes5272 maybe you and your husband should give your father-in-law consequences too? You don't have to give him gas money if he is not going to be cooperative.
Quick question, with the church example, What if the child has a tantrum (yells and screams ) after removing the first treat ?.... how would you manage that
I would silently show 1 finger.
I would go to washroom and stay till tantrum finishes. Make sure kid had enough to eat before church.
Kaye04, take them out of the room, not to a place where they can play, but so they don't bother other people.
This is all well and good, but my step son doesn’t get disciplined at his mothers house. He just doesn’t care about punishment and when he’s punished he just makes everyone in the house miserable. Things work temporarily, but the change is never lasting.
Snoozilla, I agree it is tougher when there is no consistency.
If I was your son...and I didn't get punished at my "moms" house....I would Respect, Honor and Obey punishments from you.....but that's just me and how I think.
What if your child is 54 and for my birthday he gave me nothing. Already I am upset. Then, he 'said' he has for me (my grandfather is Jewish) a Jewish calendar which he is going to wrap in a brown paper bag. I was deeply hurt. Two days later he calls me and says he will take me to lunch for my 'birthday' which was 2 days ago. I was hurt and angry and told him NO, My birthday was 2 days ago. He starts yelling and giving me excuses why he didn't get me anything. My question to you is "How do I deal with that?"
There is so much going on here. If you want something from your child, let them know. Having expectations could be the start of the problem. Does it matter if the lunch happens on your birthday? He is trying, accept what he is offering and build upon it.
This sounds like you’re part of the problem as well, you’re an adult. Why are you expecting something from your 54-year old son as if he was a teenager
My partner just gained custody of his 15 year old granddaughter.
She eats chicken nuggets and ice cream (and very little else).
What video, please, would address that? I get that she's exerting control where she can... and I'm at my wits end.
check the playlist for picky eaters video. We have done a few.
What if they refuse to do time out, and what if they don't write the essay, but they go out anyway? I think if I tried this, I would be met with strange looks, and yeah right, I will do whatever I want. On the other hand, I am refusing to buy any more coffee, because some household members refuse to follow the one K-POD per person per day rule, and we keep running out before payday.
Stephanie Holmes, thank you for watching and trying to understand. If the child does not cooperate with an essay or another task you give them as a punishment, then you know they are on Stage 1. Cooperation requires Stage 2. Are you familiar with the stages of moral development? If not, check out this video: "Teaching Kids Responsibility - Positive Parenting" - th-cam.com/video/1SFIc2LsHyA/w-d-xo.html. Stage 1 means you do something that does not require their cooperation, such as take away something they like (screen time, phone, treat, etc.). We have had some good feedback from parents about their children watching my videos. I have one explaining the 3 stages of moral development to kids. If you would like to have them watch it, it's called "How To Convince Your Parents To Get You A Phone" - th-cam.com/video/Zpuqf9N6KhQ/w-d-xo.html. We have a whole "Just for kids and teens" playlist, if you want to suggest other videos for them to watch. Having a family discussion afterwards would add to the benefit.
K pods are an expensive treat. Buy a bag of coffee and the reusable filter or 2. If they fuss, they can buy their own. Or, take the machine to work with you provided it is yours.
Of course, I did not know how to do any of this when my kids were little, so think of it as my making the mistakes and suffered so you won't have to. Hang in there.
Could you avoid repetition please.especially in examples. We thank you for your efforts but we want to have a variety of examples so that I can apply them with our children
Ts Eliot, thank you for the feedback. I am repetitious because it helps people remember the principles better. However, I will try to come up with different examples.
Thank you so much for these tips but my daughter is only 3 years old and she is very stubborn. She doesn't care about any Consequences even though I mean my words. Plus I live in a joint family where she is supported bu everyone. What should I do in such situation. Please guide me.
Thank you for watching, Shomail Siddiqui. Is your daughter motivated by stickers, small coins or toys, or little treats? If so, you can use these as an incentive. Or does she have a favorite toy or favorite anything? If she obeys, she can keep what she likes; if she doesn't obey, you keep it for a period of time. If you find something that works for her, ask the joint family you live with to support you by giving the same consequences. We have many more videos for you on our Positive Parenting playlist: th-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCclxt6agg3wrLBRkL7CCwU.html
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thanks alit for your suggestion Dr Paul I have tried all your suggestions but I fail every time because of my interfering Inlaws and my daughter gets everything that she wants before I make her obey. I just don't know how to handle this situation where no one is ready to support me
@@shomailsiddiqui6689 I am sorry to hear this. Am I correct in assuming that you are not able to move out at this time? Is your husband able to talk his family and ask them to let you be the parent? He can explain that the 2 of you don't want your daughter to get away with poor behavior, and you want her to know she has to be responsible for her mistakes. If you think they are willing, you can show them this video: "Teaching Kids Responsibility - Positive Parenting," th-cam.com/video/1SFIc2LsHyA/w-d-xo.html. Have a discussion afterward with your joint family about how you want to teach and discipline your child. Best wishes.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV I wish I could move out. But I have to raise my child in this environment that's y I badly need your help Dr Paul. Because many times I feel so depressed and helpless. Whenever I teach my child good manners they stop me. And I'm told every time that its not her age to learn manners and behaviours. It's not her age to even learn how to eat with her own hands. So often in that helpless condition I cannot keep my cool and become angry with my own child. Can u pleas help me? I'm looking forward to u as my only hope.
Hi Paul can you advice me please. When my kids hit or say a bad word I tell them they loose 1 minute of TV time and they still go on time out.
But....
My kids tell me mummy if I do a good deed, do something nice can I get my 1 minute of tv back. Hmm this confuses me what should I do. So I tested it to give it back for any good deed soo my son offered himself to clean the shoe storage 😄 to get his minute back
Should I give him his minute back if he does a good deed.
I believe in reinforcing positive behavior. If we want to see more of the behavior, reward him and praise him.
"Add something they want" & decrease it.. 😼 I plan on having "candy in a zip loc bag".
Honored to have you using some of our suggestions.
What if he or she says, I have my own money, I'll just go buy my own candy.
Stephanie Holmes take the money away
@@stephanieholmes5272 the best is teach children to manage money. For the toddler's mind, it's not the same 10 dolars and a can of juice, so if you give 10 dolars and let them an their way, they will spend it in the first thing they see, but if you say to them "Here are 10 dolars, what do you want to buy?" It sets a meaning. If they say candy, you help them to make a envelope with "candy" on it. If they say "i changed my mind, i want toys" you make another envelope with "toys" title in it and put there the money, leaving the other empty. With this, if they say, "i have money i will buy my own candy" you can simply shift money fom other interest (toys, travels, movies, etc) in the long run teaching the than you can't spend in everything.
If you dont want yo create a whole sistem, you can resort to other things, like liberty or new meals. Like "you get an A in your exam, we can go to vacation this Sunday", "you broke that window, you need to pay for that or it will be still broken, so you will mop the for for this weekend to pay". It's better if you can assemble the real consecuences of real world, so you dont need to be there aften 10 year to monitor him to do good and avoid bad.
Pd: Maybe some mispellings, maybe i edit this later on.
Can someone reach out to me with information on children with outrageous expectations of their parents? My child has a developing personality disorder and her expectations of adults are crazy. She is like Varuka Salt, nobody likes to be around her in our house. She has problems with teachers b.c of her expectations of them. I cannot find anything on the internet about children with un healthy expectations of their parents just parents with unrealistic expectations
You can schedule a discovery call at www.drpauljenkins.com/breakthroughcall.
How to do you keep track of all the +&- when dealing with ODD teen girl? Single working mom. I swear she tries me in her sleep
Christine Swafford, man, it is tough. Build up your support system, whether that is a good friend you can talk to, family, a therapist, etc.
The Stages of maturity is where I've had an AHA moment. FANTASTIC!! She is not at the maturity level I was expecting. So I get to relax and back up a bit and enjoy that she is still young.whew what a relief. There was finally some cooperation between us both this morning. AMEN!
What would you do if they did not write the essay you assigned and snuck out to do what they wanted anyway.
Susan Clay, a consequence for sneaking out. I don't know what makes sense in your circumstances. It could be losing a privilege or it may be time to get some counseling.
If I was your son and did that....I think a good added punishment would be you tell me to clean something and I wouldn't be done until it's up to your satisfaction!
In the Bible it says eat before church so you don't disturb others if you can't control your appetite. I fed my kids just before. Try no sweets as they will be hungry soon if you do.
Parent-Alerte, thanks for the suggestion. Good idea.
But what do you do for a 16 year old girl who doesn’t care about consequences and refuses to follow rules?
Vanity68, figure out what you control and then use that. I suggest the parenting power up or a subscription to go.liveonpurposecentral.com.
Check if she has privileges like allowance, phone, computer, etc. Then ask yourself why you reward her with privileges when she does nothing to earn them?
Remember it's your house and your money, so you get to decide who deserves the privileges you pay for and what are the rules so she can earn them... and stick with it.
You guys need to learn about child development! Children learn better with positive reinforcement rather than punishment. Parents BEWARE!!! THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DISCIPLINE AND PUNISHMENT!! These people need education!
Alyssa T, yes, I have talked about this on other videos, check them out.
The free "taxi service" to go to school assumes they Want to go to school though.
It does assume there is some level of cooperation there. It could be taxi somewhere else.
Dear sir i am Tabrez and i want to say it sometime its not working wht u says in video so could you please upload upgraded another video to gain more from you. Thnk u
Thank you for watching and trying to understand, Tabrez Khan. Learning to become a more positive parent takes time, and once you learn and practice positive ways of parenting, it can take a while longer for children to catch on and change as well. I encourage you to keep trying - we have many videos on the Positive Parenting playlist to help you out: th-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCclxt6agg3wrLBRkL7CCwU.html
Here are some more videos on consequences and discipline:
"How To Use Natural And Logical Consequences" - th-cam.com/video/ZFZIIuqEVdY/w-d-xo.html
"7 Ways To Discipline Your Child" - th-cam.com/video/G3nu1QfOUqE/w-d-xo.html
"How To Discipline Your Child With Love" - th-cam.com/video/eeH3qyUqKbs/w-d-xo.html
"7 Tips For Practicing Positive Discipline" - th-cam.com/video/5ZOv8siwpNA/w-d-xo.html
🤣 does this work on adults ... like husbands? As a teacher I agree.... if only admin would agree and support. Some do and some don’t.
Tricia Simon, haha - the husbands? I'm not so sure. :) We do have a Positive Relationship Resources playlist, though: th-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPA410uJ9woXx9B9WiPyM7fX.html. I appreciate you watching!
Any punishment is just releasing parental stress. Kids are the only people we have power over like that. We don't punish coworkers or partners or relatives. We find ways to talk and coexist.
Totally agree with you!
Hinahina Nanoha, thanks for the reflective comment. I do agree that corporal punishment releases parental stress (in their mind, not in reality) and is very unhealthy for children. However, the best way to raise a child is with discipline and an abundance of love.
Have you ever heard of being fired? Administrative leave? Getting divorced or cutting off family relationships? Prison? There are punishments for bad behavior in every arena of life. This idea that punishment only happens to children is hippy lala land.
Lmao, that is dumb.
If you break laws, you go to prison. If you do a shitty job, you get fired. If you're a bad partner, they divorce you. If you're a jerk, your relatives avoid you.
Bad behavior has consequences for everyone. Wake up and stop being dellusional.
@@magicattic Divorce is a decision between two equal adults. Getting fired is a decision towards an independent adult. Prison happens for actual crimes. Punishments for kids can happen for any reason parent want, often not regulated by anything, behind closed doors, towards a person who is dependent and not equal, was created by the adult in the first place. The parent has 100% of responsibility to love and teach. And the child has a right to learn communication, not survival skills of how to avoid punishment.
On a different note, prison and other measures are not actually effective in adult life either. Most of the criminals commit crimes over and over, because they have life conditions that make them do so, traumas and law self-esteem. Care, love and decent life for everyone is what actually needed.
What if they eat all of the treats before?
They can try again the next day.
I tried that soccer one in the past,didn’t work cause they didn’t want to change & go! Lol
Janice Kennedy, we can use this to figure out where they are and now we know.
My son refuses to wear ‘real’ clothes. No pockets just workout shorts and sweats. It drives me crazy.
Laura, don't let it. Ignore that. He might change if it doesn't get you riled up.
Eating the treat my child wants seems so harsh. I would simply removed it from the bag (and maybe eat it out of sight)
Cedric S, you could do that.
Do you have any videos regarding 11 year old lying?
I can't remember if it is about 11 yr old, but yes, we have one so check out the playlist.
We take the bus. He will go by himself and wear dirty clothes so taking laundry service away…
That works.