How To Come Up With GOOD CONSEQUENCES
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 มิ.ย. 2020
- This whole parenting thing can be very challenging. All parents know that consequences are important, and how do you come up with those consequences? I am going to walk you through it today so stay tuned!
00:25 Natural and logical consequences
02:12 Two kinds of consequences
04:48 Creating the first list
05:34 Five things to provide your kids
07:02 Things you provide
09:41 What can I enforce?
10:52 Collaborative approach
11:24 Ask these questions
Watch and Enjoy!
Dr. Paul Jenkins
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How To Use Natural And Logical Consequences
• How To Use Natural And...
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the acronym 'flaws' fits! food, love, air, water, shelter. love it.
Katherine Fenton, that works.
You have helped me so much!!! My daughter is being so good! She doesn’t call me meany anymore lol
I remind her about good consequences
That is awesome. Honored to be on your team.
It’s sad there’s only 14 comments on here and this posted a day ago!
Share this stuff on your social media people! Our country is JACKED up right now because too many parents don’t learn how to parent!
Thank you, EyeSky. I do believe that much of the world's problems would be prevented by effective parenting. That's why I spend so much time focusing on supporting parents. Honored to have you here.
I am excited to learn but i am alone ,my partner has different mindset ,and that doesnt let me make any progress . Thats hard .
You can tell them “I don’t think you’re trying to do this but this parenting style can affect our kids like _____ because ______.. . Yelling could damage vocal cords. Hitting can break bones over time. If nothing works meditating with them can help. I prefer mindfulness meditation.
How 2 medit8 :
There r many different types but I kno abt the mindfulness 1. Most ppl do it for 10 minutes. It’s only abt observing how we breathe thru our nose while keeping the mouth closed. Whenever we feel distracted we can think abt the pause between the air going in & the air going out. Most ppl do this while sitting on the floor & crossing their legs 👍 a pretzel. But we can decide if we want 2 do it on a chair or bed instead & not cross legs. On bed ppl usually fall asleep, so it’s not recommend by some ppl.
I agree
I agree, I think dr Paul and this channel has been instrumental in helping me become a more confident parent that parents with love and not with fear which is the only thing I learnt as a kid. Trying to go against the grain is hard therefore this channel has helped my child more that he can imagine.
Thank you so much for this..... my boys are 3 and 5 we are in stage one still .... thank you for this video.... yes asking the children their ideas is stellar !!! I’m praying for us all to be our best self in the moment we are in . Together we can keep getting stronger in our parenting 😊
You got this! Susan Cunning, thank you for your positive comment.
Yeyyyyy, been waiting for this. Love it. Thanks Dr Paul. You are a legend
You are too kind, Candace Liebenberg. I am honored to be on your team - glad you are enjoying the videos!
Thank you! My beautiful boy is 7.5 and this really helped understand ❤
Honored to be on your team.
Awesome like always! Making parenting less stressful and more fun along with helping us raise respectful children!
Thank you, Masons Toy Box. I am honored to have conscious, positive parents like you on the channel!
My daughter was discovered self harming (cutting) about 3 months ago. This helped me so much. I'm sharing on my self harm FB groups. We all need help!!! Thank you so much for sharing you knowledge with us.
paminhenan, I am glad you are getting help for yourself and your daughter.
Yaaaay this video came at the perfect time!!! Thank you 🙌💪😁
You are welcome, Sarah Kıroğlu . Honored to be on your team!
Love your practical straight forward approach to parenting (grand parenting) children from toddlers to adults! Thank you so much.
Who made the word Word, you are very welcome. Honored to be on your team.
Thank you so much Dr.Paul for you’re great great advice.You teach us a lot and this video is very helpful as always.😊
You are welcome, Jesica Tang, and thank you for being part of our Live On Purpose family!
Thanks again!!! Im making my list now. My shorty is stage 1 and honest I have been too much on trying to have cooperation which is needless to say not working. Thank you for that in perspective for me. Will sit down with the hubby and getvthis list done!
Awesome, queenSummerKeli! Glad you are taking action. Honored to be on your team!
This video is extremely empowering. Thank you soooooo much
You are welcome.
This video is great! Has so many ideas that never occurred to me. I have more power than I realized and feel better equipped and more empowered to influence behavior change in my teen. Thank you for sharing this! I would've liked to have a few more examples for each list, or just more detail on some of the examples given. But there's enough to go on, and my mind is exploring how to play these will out. This is a big help.
Glad it is helpful for you. We do have a membership site if you want more help, go.liveonpurposecentral.com.
Thank you so much for alll of your incredible insight!!
Susan Harrison, you are welcome!
Awesome video! Super helpful. Thank you very much.
You're welcome!
Thank you. My adult daughter from a marriage is at stage 1. This was so helpful in seeing where she is.
SugarBear Lady, glad we can reduce the stress level a bit.
Thank you!👍😊
Honored to be on your team, Sonia Cruz Garcia!
Hahahaha, Dr Paul,as I listened to this, I immediately remember how I sent my 5yr old son to bed, without his bottle of milk after he totally refused to eat his dinner ( only food I could provide at that time) n he never had any episode of not eating whatever food available to him.He's now in his 30s n happy!😂
Grace Bock, thank you for sharing.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Dr Paul, revisiting yr videos to get "approved help" for my new-parent son n daughter-in-law dealing with their 2n a half yr old daughter, now beginning to throw her weight around n her mummy is unsure whether it's loving to "withhold" or is grandma "too mean"! 🤪😂😂 Oh Dr Paul, you believe in "actual spanking ....or...not????"🤪
This is Amazing. Thank you so much
You are welcome.
Great video! Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for watching!
Thank you for these videos
My pleasure!
OMG where have you been ? My husband and I will be watching these together. We are a blended family of 9 children. It has been a struggle so the videos have been very sound and very helpful. Thank you so much
Honored to be on your team.
more ideas on those consequences that do require cooperation, please... awesome as always
Leyda Leon, thank you! Honored to have you at Live On Purpose TV. Here are more videos on consequences:
"Consequences For Misbehavior | 6 Specific Examples" - th-cam.com/video/Fbcwp9na04Y/w-d-xo.html
"How To Use Natural And Logical Consequences" - th-cam.com/video/ZFZIIuqEVdY/w-d-xo.html
"7 Ways To Discipline Your Child" - th-cam.com/video/G3nu1QfOUqE/w-d-xo.html
Hope these have what you're looking for!
Thank you soooooo much
You are welcome.
Just love your advice!
Thanks, Donna.
Such good info - Thank you! - My ten year old, Defiant, stage ONE. Complaining I control their LIFE even if I knock on their door to ask for help doing chores etc. :( Love Pauls videos!
You are so welcome!
I was just talking to my husband about this topic yesterday.
So glad I can be of service to you, Mrs. Littrean! Honored to have you at Live On Purpose TV.
Great ideas. Thank u 😀
You are so welcome!
Wonderful thank you
Elle Lloyd, thank you.
You’re brilliant
Kimberly Pemberton, and so are you!
Excellent video
Thank you, Human Being. I appreciate you being here.
I learn on every video . We will never be perfect parents but we can be good parents
Marcos Cordero, and we can get better.
Thats brilliant, the electricity one I've never thought of taking away before.. misbehaving = no more lights 😂
Sickem tiger, could work, good luck.
So I guess we just have to define what PERMISSION is and the effects if they choose to go without it. This one really made sense to me. Well, there are more strings to this but thank you for the good ground. Thank you, Dr. Jenkins. Looking forward to more informative insights from you. ☺️☺️☺️
Thricia Dirores, honored to be on your team.
Oh yes. I'd say be very specific here, and not just about how your kid is affected. Be specific on what they are allowed to choose between and how it might affect other people involved. Not least because if an adult takes your kid somewhere knowingly without your permission when they could have contacted you, it becomes kidnapping. It could become an issue even if you don't intend to do anything about it.
Thanks for all your help Dr Paul! I've watched so many of your videos to help with our teenagers. We love all your videos!
Question regarding a teen that's in stage 1 maturity... How long would you enforce the consequence? Our teen was caught vaping and we took away access to their phone. How can we allow them to regain our trust and how long should we enforce the consequence? Thanks so much!
MarkoFamily, I will leave that up to you. How long do you think it will take for him to get the message? Maybe you should add some education on to the requirement for getting the phone back. Be clear with him that it will take a while to regain your trust and there will be checks.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thanks for the reply! By education do you mean like an essay about the dangers of vaping?
Very informative ! I'd love to hear more about examples of consequences for 3 yr olds. Thanks !
Great suggestion!
So helpful and gives me hope for my 14 yr old where I was previously at a loss. I can't stop watching your videos. I am wondering if there's also a video explaining how to extract a fee related to enforcing a consequence? My daughter doesn't have any money. I believe she's in what you've described as stage 1.
I'm so glad you found the channel, welcome. If she doesn't have any money, you will have to go another route for consequences.
I will do that, thank you. I had never thought of the list of things that parents control before watching your videos. So empowering.
A great movie to watch about consequences is an old movie with Hayley Mills and rosalind Russell called The Trouble With Angels 1966! Great movie!
Holly Iannotti, I will have to ask Vicki if she has seen it, she loves old movies.
One of my favorite movies! I rarely meet anyone who has seen it. It's so good!
This is super helpful! Thank you, Dr. Paul! On the other hand, what are good rewards? How should parents healthily reward their kids? I have specific questions such like (1) What are the ingredients of healthy, sustainable rewards? (2) Sometimes what I see as good rewards are not truly what my kid wants, hence no motivating power. In the mean while, what they want and are motivating to them are in nature unhealthy, such as candies, video games, meaningless or empty stuff/activities. What should I do? (3) The functional sustainability of rewards - what if I have to keep rewarding in order to keep the good behaviors? This can accumulate to become excessive consumption of sugar or harmful activities. And what if when I stop rewarding, the good behavior is gone? Is there or should there be an end? (4) The financial sustainability of rewards - what if the motivating rewards are expensive? By the way, am I giving a bribe to “buy” the good behaviors? And how long can that “purchased effect” last?
Every kid is different, try asking them what a good healthy reward for them is.
Thank you so much for ypur advise. I have been listening to your videos and have come up with a plan for my daughter to cooperate with me. I told her that she needs to learn responsibility and will have to pay for rent, electric, internet and a fee for car services. Came up with a total and she owes me 25 a day. How is she paying for it? Behavior! We will see how it goes. But thank you againg. Im just following your wise advise.
Good luck. There are things that you need to provide for her as a parent. Basic clothes, food, shelter. Car and internet is extra along with phone. Good for on getting clear on what you control and focusing there.
Sometimes I wasn't sure if I am raising my 7 yr old to act like selfish'ish but this makes sense he's still in the 1 stage aww❤
There is time.
🧠 💡. 🔥🔥🔥 thank you
Honored to be on your team.
good video
Thank you, VI- -ROS.
I so hope this helps me understand better. My daughter broke the consol in my car and continues to kick it. (Not even throwing a fit.) Then today, she decided to pile towels in the cat's litter box. It seems her actions result in consequences for me!😫
Adrian Henry, aww, that is where we put the work in. We have her put the towels in the washer and wash them, put them in the dryer and then fold them and put them away. Consequences.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV What do I do about a 12 year old, who thinks he knows it all. Always talking back and lying
I used to and still tend to rescue my kids too often, especially if natural consequences will disadvantage the sibling as well. Not doing homework and disapproval at school has no impact on my child...she hates school, teachers are mean and stupid and that's that....I really have to get more clarity to be a kind, loving, benovelent, effective parent with clarity and good teaching/consequences/guidance skills.(:()
Yvonne W, you can do this. Hang in there.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV very kind of you to encourage me
Also : you mentioned the freebies.
When my 3 year old is about to do something I dont want him to do and then I warn him about a consequence (like " I'll take that stick away from u") he says to me (or my husband) in a sad voice " you dont love me"...
Is this just manipulation bec hes in stage one...? Or does he feel unloved ...?
1631ss, he might be confused about his feelings, not knowing how to identify them. Talk to him and let him know that you are doing what you are because you love him. It will take some time for him to get it, but he will if you keep repeating it.
Are there any other good resources or representatives on conscious/positive parenting you can recommend? Your vids have been incredibly useful.
Also side note.....I have turned power off. 😂
My teen had been a stage 2 and became a stage 1. I couldnt even take her phone as i didnt get it and her Dad pays for use of it (not my choice)
But as my teen has been reminded..... I am the only adult in this house and I am in charge.
Katherine Fielder, I highly recommend Parenting With Love and Logic by Cline.
I think a good consequence to the dad "owing the phone" could be then he needs to take the phone AWAY from your daughter and you as parents need to come together and show your daughter thar she can't use "dad gave it to me" as leverage. All that's showing her is she can use you and her father against each other. And if her father can't agree to work with you and co parent with you, then tell him to keep the phone at his house, get her a cheap prepaid phone so you and her can communicate then tell her when she learns to respect you and YOUR house rules she will be allowed to have her phone her dad got her back into the house you are providing for her.
You can't let her and your daughters dad make rules at your house. They will gain up on you and hammer you to the ground. Don't let him have control over your house rules. And most importantly, don't be afraid to enforce your house rules.
Parenting teen daughters is a blessing and a curse at the same time. . I know I've been there, and it's also good to remember your her mom first, provider second and friend last. My daughter use to say mom,I thought you where my friend and I would tell her well, I'm your mom first. . She's 20 now and she's told me so many times thank you mom. Mom you are always right.. but it took her until now to realize that. So, good luck to you and your family. Stay strong.
What if it’s getting your teen to clean their room? What’s the natural consequence there?
Thank you for watching and trying to understand, Jasmine Nakasone. A natural consequence would be that they cannot find what they want or step on something an break it. If that is not motivation enough for them, then you can simply state "You can have your phone back (or watch TV, or whatever you choose) as soon as your room is clean." Sometimes the natural consequences is motivation enough, sometimes there needs to be extra.
I like how Dr. Paul used positive statement with that too vs. you can't watch TV until your room is clean... This video was amazing and brought many examples to light. I gotta say, this style has worked beautifully with my 2 y/o.
You can pick 1 book for bedtime or daddy will pick, your choice. My daughter: I pick book daddy, no you. Me: okay honey I love you (smiling inside knowing Dr. Paul's wisdom works wonders)
How do you know if your kid is old enough and developed enough for stage 2 of consequences? My daughter is 3, obviously won't be writing out any essays yet...So I'm struggling to think of stage 2 consequences...Is it basically choices? 2 choices of a consequence such as if she usually gets a book and nursery rhymes before bed, she needs to pick one or the other? Or is that not the same thing?
Remember that with the two choices, you are o.k. with either of them and with one of them you control the choice, not your child. You can say, If you get in bed now you can pick a story to read or I will put you in bed and you don't get a story.
Doc jerkins, can i ask my son/daughter for the cooperative consequence first then if they refuse i do the consequence that doesn’t require cooperation? Or i should be able to give them the right kind of consequence right away?
You can do that, it just takes the choosing out of the way and makes it seem more like a punishment.
I believe my children age 11 and 14 are at different stages... 11yo stage 2-3 and 14yo stage 1- working into 2... doesn't really help because 14yo feels like 11yo is over him and gets this depressive attitude... but she really is more mature. Do you have any advice you could gift me? Thanks in advance
Estefania Carlos, give them rewards according to their stage, that will make them want to be get to the stage. Remember, kids can go in and out of the stages and some of that is normal as they are developing. Hang in there.
👍👍👍
Thank you, Chynar.
Do you have a video on dealing with children that aren't yours? I have a niece that is extremely spoiled and I find it hard to be around her.
Not really. In watching the videos, look for the principle. Once you have the principle, it can be applied to different situations. How sad that it is hard to be around your niece. She is missing out.
Paul, if your son chose to go to the party, what would you provide as a consequence please?
For me it would probably be a denial of some privilege like access to transportation or losing their phone privileges. It is up to each parent as they control different things and each child is different.
How many consequences do you give when a child lies again and again...do you add up weeks without tablet or how do you do it without it going overboard? I feel like if you cannot keep track of the consequences it got overboard.
Agreed. Sounds like time to get some counseling for the child.
Always had this question- what's the difference between threats and consequences?
They sounds alike....
Also- does it matter WHEN u tell them about the consequences? Ie do u need to tell them "IF you do this... ull get a consequence"....or "youll get this very specific consequence" ..
(Which sounds like a threat to me)
1631ss, consequences are done with love and best when natural. Let's say your child does not want to eat lunch, then later asks for treats. The consequence is he is hungry until dinner, when he will get to eat again. Use a calm face, calm body, calm voice. Threats are done with anger. The presentation is so important, I have talked about that in several videos.
Thank you so much for clarifying
I'm definitely going to work on trying to implementing that...
I'm wondering about the timing of stating the consequences . ..?
A threat is also something that may or may not actually happen. Consequences actually do happen.
Shelter was on the freebies list. Doesnt that include electricity? you talked about the ulitity box and turning it off. Thats contradicting. Can you explain?
Electricity for necessary things but that may not include electronics.
What if the teen is no longer in your home, because they constantly ran away? I didn't give them permission to leave the home. They wanted to be an adult. Am I still responsible for providing these things? especially when they refuse to cooperate?
If they are not home, you don't have to provide these things, I am not sure how you would.
What's good conquenses for ages 5 years old and 8 years old
Natural consequences are best. I don't know your individual circumstances so talk with someone who knows your children to come up with some ideas.
hi can u pls tell me if the silent treatment is a good punishment--to barely answer anything they tell me and have to earn my respect back??
It isn't one I would choose, there are better ways to handle the problem.
In the case of homework or sports aren’t you just passing those “natural and logical consequences” onto the teacher/coach to parent them. We should lighten the load on these ppl
Natural consequences is not passing the job onto someone else.
This consequences part scares me . My kids would display worst temper tantrums if i do any if these 😭
reena singh, initially they do. When you hold firm and don't give in, well, they learn that the temper tantrums don't work.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thank u for your response ,but i do it in almost every relationship ,doing something that might offend them . Besides my kids are grown up now ,will this work even now .
Is it okay for your children to see this list of what I provide and can control?
Sure, I would even get their input.
There’s a few issues with this. Definitely an issue if you are going to refuse your child proper heat or cooling especially if they report it to a school counselor. Same goes for telecommunications especially for joint custody situations. I’m also surprised you included refusal of proper lighting. Again, could be a safety issue and something a school counselor might highlight if reported. I can’t imagine having a healthy relationship as an adult with my parent if there is a history of refusal to allow to see where you are going or what you are doing within the home, or use the bathroom properly.
Jenn B, of course safety comes first.
Stage two: how old are they?
Stage - not age, Aimin Bara. Stage 2 is about cooperation, so the child could be as young as 1 year old. Please understand that children fluctuate between all 3 stages frequently - even several times a day! If you would like more detail about the 3 Stages of Moral Development, please check out this video: "Teaching Kids Responsibility - Positive Parenting" - th-cam.com/video/1SFIc2LsHyA/w-d-xo.html Thank you for watching Live On Purpose TV.
If he is 21 and not work and stay inside room
Who is supplying the room? What if the room were no longer available?
That does not work on me I am 10years
What you don’t learn from your parents the real world will teach you real fast. 🤗
@@Barneyjo I don't think so
@@Barneyjo OK it might
#trollin
VI- -ROS, I think these videos might be better for you:
"How To Improve Relationship With Parents" - th-cam.com/video/29tjHdEAyPM/w-d-xo.html
"What To Do When Your Parents Are Over Protective?" - th-cam.com/video/a4EAyWRYEeM/w-d-xo.html
If you like those, then I invite you to check our our "Just for kids and teens" playlist: th-cam.com/play/PLq2mRDkHEBPCicx6xcJ5ZJzVe9UBlRTQV.html
Thank you for watching.