Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 ส.ค. 2024
- This is the quickest way to determine if you have unhealthy boundaries, and what to do about it. Get yourself out of the drama! No more being the rescuer, the victim, or the persecutor!
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Oh my gosh, this resonates deeply. "I've fallen (from Rescuer role) and I can't get up!" This is great content!
How To Set Boundaries Without Being Controlling: 👉🏻th-cam.com/video/kpbFcVzPTBQ/w-d-xo.html
CLARITY!! - THANK YOU - AMBER GOLD!! KEEP SAVING LIVES!!
Ago Gold! 🥇🥇🥇
Unfortunately I've been the "rescuer" with my son for WAY too many years, even before he started using.
While I don't blame myself for all that's happened, looking back on everything I'm able to see the damage this caused, especially when the drugs came into the picture.
It took me a while to get to this place, but once I realized what I had been doing for so many years, I was able to break that habit (for the most part) and instead of focusing on what I should've done or dwelling on the damage I caused by always "rescuing" my son, I try to always ask myself "if I do X will it benefit him in the long run or will it just keep him stuck even longer"?
We've all made mistakes with the addicts we love (and will continue to do so lol) but we all have enough problems as it is with them, that we don't need to add more to ourselves AND to them!!
Right on point, Jennifer!
Thank you, Amber. You always have great advice.
Happy to help!
What a brilliant explanation and alternative solution. Love it! Thanks Amber 💜
Thanks Saskia!
I'd love to see an enactment of the empowerment triangle. I know the the unhealthy one looks like. Great job. I shared with friends.
Hello Amber. I just learned about your channel during my IOP meeting. I am an addict in recovery. I have been struggling with my recovery from the perspective of my wife of 4+ years. Once I decided I needed to take back control of my life and come clean to my wife and family, they have been very supportive and my wife has been supportive overall but she kicked me out of the house which has made me feel lost and lonely! I have completely lost communication with my wife. We are completely unable to have a conversation where we can understand how each other feels. We are definitely stuck in the drama triangle! This video has helped me understand what's going on. It's only been 29 days since I went sober and came clean to my wife so the hurt is still very real and very painful. I hope and pray that things get better because my wife is the love of my life and I want nothing more than to make her happy and try to make amends with her. I know I messed up big time and I will hold myself accountable through this! thank you for making this video I will take your advice, download the communication worksheet and hope that things start to get better soon! Thank you thank you!!!
Thank you ❤
You're welcome 😊
Yikes. I realize I switch back and forth. This was really helpful!
It's a struggle for us all!
Pure gold.
Awwww thanks, Garry!
Amber is an angel ❤️❤️❤️
Awwww, thanks Budurk!
Empower Triangle 🔺️👍🏻
My (secret) pathological narcissistic adversary doesn’t mind that I’m stuck on the drama triangle and keep acting out, acting in or as the judge.
By the way, I love your videos! Spent over 15 hours watching them so far and doing my best to employ the craft method! I want to get counseling or do the craft program you sell but my husband and I ask each other before we spend more than $100 on something at one time. I don’t want to hide this expense but is it a good idea to tell him I’m getting addiction-related counseling? We’re in debt and he might just get mad that I’m spending money on something he “doesn’t have a problem with.”
I like that your commitment to honesty. I'd find a way of telling him the truth but not making him defensive.
@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you
Can I set healthy boundaries around lying? If so what are some examples?
Take a look at this video called "expert tips for dealing with lying" th-cam.com/video/HiZwRrA1QII/w-d-xo.html
Do you do take patients nationally and do remote appointments?
Hi SB, we do offer virtual coaching for people who don't live locally. Here's a link to learn more: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/consultations
My husband would probably call me the persecutor. We were separated by a court order and have stayed separated since it ended by my choice. He wants to move back in but I’ve said no. I tell him it’s for my safety and sanity but he insists that we’re power struggling and that I’m trying to force him to get help. He stopped the xanax he was on but now he drinks every day and does meth instead. I want to “save” the marriage and let him back in so that he has more positivity in his life but I’m scared that it won’t help and that I might not be able to handle the new substances and will have to leave our house (and stuff and dogs) instead. Not sure what to do. He says I’m causing him tons of trauma like his mom did to him and that he won’t do a [bleep] thing more to work on himself until he’s back in the house.
You might want to rewatch this video a number of times and watch the other vids she has on boundaries and also manipulation and also motivating addicts to get sober. However it isn't your job to try to motivate your ex or spouse or whatever you refer to him as.
Your comment is from about a month ago so maybe it doesn't apply anymore but if you still so do not live together, that's good. Re-read your comment. I hear you are afraid for you safety and won't be able to handle the new substances but want to give him something positive in his life. You say you want to "save" the marriage but for his benefit and you ended / got a separation by your choice - so don't get back together. Also, you're not responsible for what he feels his mother "did" to him and how he is still reacting to it (apparently or in his mind). Anyway those sound like blatant justification and manipulation tactics you shouldn't take the bait with. You did all the work to get a legal separation. Don't undo all that by letting him back in your life. Cut contact with him. He is no good for you and you need to learn how to create and enforce your boundaries when it comes to people including him.
1) your first and only responsibility is to yourself and your safety and your life - not his. And this includes any pets you have if you have any like you mentioned.
2) it is not your responsibility to put something "positive into his life" that is his job.
3) if he says he won't do one more thing to get sober unless others (you) do xyz, he's trying to manipulate you. If he doesn't want to do one more thing to get sober, that's his decision not yours or is based on anything he wants someone to do for him.
Again rewatch this video and take notes for as many times as it takes to get through to yourself the lessons it teaches and also the other videos of Amber's on boundaries - at least those. She has so many good ones - the ones on lying and manulipulative behavior and enabling are good.
And again, re-read your comment. You should be able to detect the self contradictions in what you're saying and that you should clearly learn and uphold boundaries for yourself and not let him live with you or be back in your life. You can't afford to - health and safety, property wise, financially, everything. And someone who has chosen to add meth use is not something you should tolerate in anyone in your life / close to you. He has literally responded to all this by choosing to get worse and not better and continuing to justify his use by feeling sorry for himself and clearly hoping you will too, and blaming others for his life and problems. If he doesn't take responsibility for his life and choices he will always blame others for them instead.
Having this person in your life is not tenable. We get what we tolerate. If you let him back in your life that will be on you - don't do it - especially when you already have the benefit and protections of a legal separation.
You might also want to look up Amber's other videos on relationships, being addicted to a person, etc.
I have experience with a recovering meth addict that has gone through relapse after being sober for six months. He recently supposedly has began to be sober for two weeks now and has a job. The issue, even though he’s supposedly sober- he still Carrie’s the same behavioral traits as a active addict does. He has issues with using people for help whether financially it emotionally too. Manipulative and them deflects his issues onto others. He can be selfish and not think of others needs but only his own. So much that he isn’t even aware how to put his own young daughters feelings before his own in meeting her needs. I’ve expressed my concerns on my expectations from my own personal relationship with that person however that person plays victim and deflects to not allow me to have a voice and not allow me to walk away either. He’s not good with his communication skills. I’m concerned that he has issues still with respecting others in general even being supposedly sober.
I’ve had him in and out of my life for years too because we’ve been close. But, I’m bummed because I have constantly reset boundaries and restart my life over. He pretends a lot and will focus on playing games more than practicing healthy communication with people he cares for- he’s disrespected me quite a bit. I have to continue back to not having him in my life again due to him not choosing to see relationships as two people other than just himself.
It’s been a lot for my level of patience and being gentle with him. It’s been emotionally taxing on my mental state too.
@@SarieGal444 Hi. I'm so familiar with that dynamic... You have a right to be treated as respectfully and gently and thoughtfully as you have been considerate enough to be in regards to him. And you have given him a second chance already and that probably means a third.,,? I have been doing this for almost 8 years... In November I finally got tough on him and made certain I didn't ask him to leave but I told him I had a friend that was supposed to be subleasing from someone else we have in common, thank God to help me put my situation in some perspective. And he also had the wisdom to remind me of something- if you have a boundary set it and it's immediately questioned it or challenges the fine print on it in the beginning just get the hell out because he's shown you hell never be respectful of them any other times either... I don't know why something about that statement clicked on it wow that's true....it was just like exactly what needed to not go back to the same sewer.