How To Set Assertive Boundaries With An Addict or Alcoholic
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 มิ.ย. 2020
- It's definitely not easy, but it is possible to learn how to set boundaries with an addict/alcoholic. It's all about assertiveness, and it's important to remember that YOUR NEEDS MATTER TOO! Setting boundaries with someone addicted to drugs or alcohol is not just good for you, but it also helps them get better!
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About Me:
Personal Experience:
I grew up in an addicted family. In fact, it would be way easier for me to tell you who wasn't addicted versus who was addicted. Seriously, I have absolutely no memories of my grandmother without a glass of vodka in her hand. My mother died due to her addiction to methamphetamines. I've had countless addicted step-parents, and my older sister has struggled with serious (life-destroying) addiction for as long as I can remember.
All that being said, I always felt I had a great and loving family. My sister and I spent every summer swimming in my grandmother's pool. (the grandmother who struggled with alcoholism). We called her Mimi, and she was great. My mom was attractive and very creative, not to mention lots of fun!
Growing up like this gives me a unique perspective on addiction. I can know that someone is struggling with addiction but still see their wonderful qualities.
Professional qualifications:
After graduating from counselor school in 2004, I worked in a private psychiatric hospital for 10 years. This facility provided acute care (short term) for serious mental health and Substance Use Disorders. I learned a LOT from my experience working in a psychiatric hospital.
I got to see and treat almost every type of mental health and addiction issue you can think of, but it felt like a revolving door. I'd see the same people come in over and over and their families were absolutely desperate for help.
Unfortunately, the system isn't set up to help families in general. Knowing what it's like to live with addiction, I was all the more frustrated.
All this led to me deciding to leave the hospital and start my own addiction treatment center, specializing in addicted family systems.
Over the years, I had developed lots of good relationships with other clinicians, and I knew who was the best! I put together a superstar team, and we now run out own outpatient addiction treatment practice called Hope For Families Recovery Center.
We've worked very hard not to tie ourselves to the "big system." We don't work for the insurance companies. We don't work for a hospital system, We don't answer to anyone except our clients, their families, and the licensing boards that provide us with our professional license. We have all Licensed Professional Counselors (LPC)-(which is mental health counselors) and also Licensed Addiction Counselors (LAC).
We don't provide inpatient treatment, but we do partner with a phenomenal sober living facility called Greenville Transitions. They offer top-notch sober living care for young men in the early stages of recovery. www.greenvilletransitions.com
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🛑This link will give you access to my entire BOUNDARIES PLAYLIST!!! 👉 th-cam.com/play/PLaaJWwIpP_zaSO2T0UAQ7X5elGVsphwIV.html
A mantra that helped me:
It's safe to set boundaries with difficult people.
No matter what they say or feel, I am safe.
I thought I was setting a boundary by telling my bf that I wouldn’t be around him when he’s drunk. All that really accomplished is us spending less time together as the alcohol was priority the majority of the time.
😥
I'm the other person he took advantage of me
If your goal was to spend more time together, that could be seen as a failure but as a recovering codependent I discovered that this means you get to spend more time with your best friend who is always with and a part of you. Can you guess who that is? You were born with this friend. One you can always count on, talk to, enjoy, and invest wholly in and never get let down.
If not married and not kids and he is telling you who he is weather it be short term or long term, believe him, and I advice get away now. This is a very damaging angry heartbreaking road to go down marriage and kids don't mix with these people.
I've found myself in the same situation. A lot of times I end up caving because it feels like I can either interact with him when he's drunk, or not at all, and sometimes I just miss him so much that I end up caving. It doesn't always end badly, but it often does.
Today we are finally evicting our son from a townhouse we own that we’ve allowed him to live in - lots of issues not following our guidelines- after a 3 year struggle with fear(he’ll have to live on the street) (he’ll go back on drugs) -very hard holding the boundary …
Similar situation w a brother-in-law..except his dad is having a hard time evicting him even after his partner who was an addict just overdosed in that townhouse and didnt make it. He’s agreed to get an assessment and talk to a substance counselor so we’ll see how that goes.
Thank you Amber for your work. I have been living with an addicted loved one for 4 years and it's is exactly as you describe it . I find your videos invaluable and have use your strategies for managing the situation. God bless and please don't stop posting . I only wish I lived in South Carolina and not Ontario Canada so I could bring my son to you for counselling.
Hi Lydia, thank you so very much for your kind feedback. I'm so happy that my videos are helpful for you. Is there a particular topic you'd like to suggest?
Life after prison for young males , anxiety, depression ptsd help
This is what I've been looking for! Practical advice on HOW to set boundaries. The part about it feeling mean hit home because I do feel mean when I enforce my boundaries and then feel guilty. I just signed up for the invisible intervention yesterday and cant wait to learn more helpful skills. I have a lot of knowledge but need the practical skills to make it work! Thanks Amber - you've been so helpful since I found your videos.
This is so helpful thank you. I have a beautiful sweet mother that has issues with binge drinking and becomes very nasty. When I try to not get sucked into a negative conversation listening to her abuse, and tell her I’ll hang up or block she tells me I’ll be sorry and I’m the only one that listens so if I do she’ll have no one. When I do she messages anyone close to me and tells them how terrible I am to get me to call. So I feel guilt sticking to my boundaries. This is currently happening but I’m trying to stay strong. I just worry about something terrible happening.
Your videos have been golden. Thank you. This is really, really hard because I am so tired and emotionally involved. I feel like I have to have some sort of wall up so I can help the solution. But it’s hard to have expectations an addict can’t meet.
You're so welcome!
"..making the hard decision that you've really been avoiding".. i think says it all.
Agreed x
Wow! Just read my comment from a year ago and I’m Re listening to your videos. Not because I’m at that same level as back then but because I’m at a different level now. Looking back on this pst year, I followed your examples and our relationship changed for the better. I finally set and ACTUALLY HAVE boundaries now and most importantly HE knows them and doesn’t push back now. ❤❤❤ Thank you so much!
Wish this wisdom was available 15 years ago when I was the single parent of two teenaged daughters. Glad I found it now. Thank you
I’m filtering all of this advice through the lens of relationships rather than addiction and most of it carries over.
Absolutely Young! everything we teach on this channel can be applied successfully to any relationship !
Just wanted to say how helpful your clips are. When I’m in deep and questioning myself and my actions, your a real help with those difficult conversations.
Thank you Simon! It makes my heart smile knowing these videos are helpful to others 😁💖💝
“Going to the Principles office” haha... Thanks for the laughs!
Any time!
Thank you so much. This channel is a Godsend. Thank you
You are a gift! I needed all of this!
I'm so happy this was helpful 😃
Omgeeee si gratefull for theeee
🙏💜🌹💜🙏
I'm definitely more assertive, which I try to work on, but I can't live with this addiction, lies, etc. I feel like I adopted a problem child. He was sober when I met him, and then he got drugs. I'm done. I have to work on me as I've got to not let my anger seize the situation and all I've been put through is the constant disrespect that sets it off plus he will never address any issues at all. He's in extreme denial even when I'm not in anger mode. He's much older and very stuck on not dealing with problems. He never does preventative stuff. He waits until damage control when he's forced to do something. I don't see how I can't work on me when dealing with all the lies. It's his way or the hwy, period, he doesn't budge, so I'm choosing the hwy.
The cure to addiction is acceptance but you need healthy boundaries and it’s hard. Healthy boundaries are not you must be sober around me. I’m right there with you it’s hard. Look up Johan harri everything er think we know about addiction is wrong.
Good luck sending love.
Thank you! God bless you!!
Thank you Amber this really helped🙏❤🦋
So glad!
I have heard rumors of husbands who say "If you really loved me, you would keep the checking account in joint names. I would rather be divorced than live with a spouse who does not want to mix her money in with mine." but then they turn around and spend money foolishly. I guess they feel that the definition of marriage is the man controls the money no matter what even if he is acting in a self--destructive way.
I think I'd say something like "Of course I love you, I just don't always trust you with money"
I love your videos! You have such helpful advice. Also, beautiful eyes!!!
Thank you so much!
hahaha, ya I totally did the "we need to talk" thing. Yes you are right it didn't work well at all! For me the fear was the break up.
It definitely gets the defensive walls up immediately!
thank you xx
Any time!
Thank you Amber for this video. I work with a population of addicts, I have family who are in their addiction, and I have experience first hand, so I agree that in starting that conversation... just dive in. Also my experience has been in setting boundaries; it’s very important once you and the peer have had the talk and you have set the boundary. Stick with it. There might be times where it would seem easy to cave in to avoid arguments or stress, but it is beneficial for you and the peer to stick with the boundary that was put in place. Not only can it strengthen the relationship but it also allows them to grow trust. Thanks
I totally agree. That's great advice!
Yeah. That doesn't always work. Definitely developed a lot of resentment in the relationship.
I'm 5 steps ahead now. Thanks!
Now, that's what I like to hear!!!!!!
@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you for helping me to understand the psychology behind of Addiction. I was an advocate of addiction in University but OMG its really more complicated more than I thought.
They're driving me insane.
Everything is a continuum ⭕️ the alpha and the omega
It goes all the way to one extreme to loop back to zero. That’s why love/hate, passive/aggressive, toxic positivity etc are so common. They are actually not at polar ends but close to connecting the continuum
"I will not hang out when you're drinking anymore. It's unhealthy for me." Is this a good boundary?
Boundaries With An Alcoholic
If I could figure out what his boundaries are that would help. An addict seems to change their own boundaries on a daily basis. I tend to change mine sometimes as well. This is hard.
You're absolutely right, the addict will change their boundaries based on what ever they want/need in any given moment, which is why it's so very important for families to know exactly where their boundaries are!
@@PutTheShovelDown @jennifblair it is not the addict's boundaries you have control of, having had to step back I now understand the only person you can control is yourself. So controlling your words and actions is the only way to have sanity
I completely relate! What to do?
Thank you for your videos! I’ve had to listen to them multiple times to “get it and accept it”.
My avoidance with my AS (adult addict & suicidal son) is that when I set my foot down with my boundaries he threatens to attempt suicide again. A year ago I had to resuscitate him. He blames me now for him having to live in his miserable life, so that’s what I’m trying to avoid. Is his death and I feel guilty.
Please help
I definitely have done that thing where I try to address a bunch of issues at once. It's probably because I'm bottling it up and building resentment until I can no longer contain it and then it just explodes all at once. Although sometimes things will happen and on their own, they didn't bother me that much, but altogether they kinda paint a different and bigger picture. Poor guy wakes up feeling hungover and crappy with no recollection of last night, and here I am first thing in the morning coming at him all angry with a laundry list of things he's done or said that I'm not happy about. When he thinks I'm finally done with him I come at him with "And another thing!" Although in my defense (somewhat) I only have small windows of opportunity to address my grievances with him because he's drinking so often and I can't have a serious conversation with him when he's drinking. If he's drinking then he's usually not in the right mind to have a serious conversation. Sometimes he can drink and act reasonable enough to have a more serious conversation, but then it does no good if he can't remember having it
Ugh... one of my boundaries is that I don’t want to be in the same hotel room with him. He won’t pay for another room so we haven’t gone anywhere anymore because of my boundary that I will not lift! I can see in my future that I’ll be vacationing alone since he can’t not drink for even a weekend night and won’t get me a separate room. So I’ll just go alone and deal with him stonewalling me after that, which I’m sure will happen.
Sometimes you just have to stick up for yourself!
Does anyone know of a treatment center that would accept a 61 year old woman who’s got addiction and also COPD? I’m desperate for my mom to get some help but being told by her case manager in Oregon that nobody will take her in the medical condition she’s in
What if your spouse is spending all kinds of money like 700 a month in pot but doesn’t think it’s a problem? He says it’s his money because he makes more than me.
My husband sneaks alcohol in the house and I have told him that I don’t want it in or around the house because it upsets my autistic son that found him unresponsive when he drank to much. He is denying that he has a problem. My son always finds his hidden beer cans. What do I do?
Hi Jennifer, here's a link to my playlist on boundaries. Lots of great info in there: th-cam.com/play/PLaaJWwIpP_zaSO2T0UAQ7X5elGVsphwIV.html
How do you know that you're doing the right thing when you form a boundary? I mean, how do you know that the boundary is okay and not feel guilty about it if it is?
For example maybe a boundary I have is that, if I feel like gifts of mine are going to be sold for cash then I'm not going to continue giving gifts... Is that okay? But what about when it's Christmas time and everyone else in the family is getting a gift? Is there a right exception to the boundary or is that just a mean boundary? How would you handle this situation?
Hi Andraya, Here's a video I made last year about gift giving. Hope this helps: th-cam.com/video/1gJ0cnLXEuE/w-d-xo.html
I rent from a cluster B/alcoholic and her addict daughter moved back home. Now constant drama, chroniclly smokes drugs, goes through my things when I'm not home, and my wallet and other things have gone missing. I no longer speak to either mother or daughter, I just want them to leave me and my things alone until I can leave.
I rent a room so... they access to all my things.
Get a safe?
How can I protect myself in the moment or simply get myself to a safe space in a moment of aggression and snapping and such?
I’m trying to avoid being treated like I’m an idiot. My senior aged brother is jealous of anything and everything- he’s ruthless and an alcoholic and in poverty!! He takes zero responsibility for his actions. I’m kinda ready to just cut off all communication with him.
Sorry for long story, (help ) hope for your thoughts: your videos certainly describe what Im experiencing with partner. Recently I have seen a councillor who advised that I should not be discuss the concerns with partner around their drinking as that serves no purpose expressing opinion or judging what drinking causes. (answering the DSM5 scale, it reflects 6 potentially 7), My approach over years to her has reflected major arguments following the drinking due to a very heightened sensitivity in so many conversation. Partner feels easly criticised judged and not accepted from smallest of things. Their view on drinking is its normal and they are not hurting anyone. The counciler is saying I should NOT say anything, as partner will only change when they want to change, and as nothings changed in past 4 years, I have 2 options, leave or accept it. Ive dropped in to see partner in late afternoon only to find slurring, etc . and then Im criticised for judging them by saying their slurring and get told "well u weren't invited over, hence my fault not theirs". Im not angry when I express myself and it just factual. Now recently partner said they stop drinking at home alone, but I've seen vid clips of them out with others and partners clearly affected by drinking again. 😔, IS the councillor right and I should say nothing and just suffer in silence?
(I feel an odd approach by councillor when Ive been hoping to improve the relationship, as it will notching on its own. . councillor said I'm 50% responsible for the conversation even when they have been drinking and I should mindful and only saying positive things when partners been drinking, which makes it my responsibility to keep them happy when drunk, which I don't understand. appreciation for any feedback :)
I actually agree with what you're counselor is telling you. Calling them out will only make them defend their drinking. Stepping back will actually allow them to see it faster. You're not trying to keep them happy while drunk; you're just removing the distractions so they have to acknowledge the issue. At the same time, it's important to protect yourself from the harm of their drinking by the use of good boundaries. Here's a video that goes more in-depth into the idea of "expressing your feelings" to a person with an addiction. th-cam.com/video/dUtwwav7QBc/w-d-xo.html
Please clarify: 2:27 minutes into the video when you are talking about passive aggressiveness - I’ll paraphrase, you say, the problem down here with “assertiveness” is that it's going to cause the people around me to build up resentment towards me and eventually they will act out against me; and the problem (gesturing to the other side of the scale) down here with “passiveness”, is it will lead me to build up resentment and cause me to act out against them.
Did you mean aggressiveness in place of my quoted assertiveness here?
Nice catch Jessica. You were really paying attention. I meant to say aggressiveness in stead of assertiveness.
@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you for the quick reply. I was indeed listening closely. My ears always perk up anytime someone wants to help clarify what passive aggressive means. Unfortunately my understanding only lasts as long as the explanation. I think I get it, but then when I try to recognize it in real life, it evades me. Thanks again for the quick reply.
@@MyUsernameJessica it basically means that you act out instead of directly addressing the issues. Like making snide comments it, getting back at the person, or silent treatment. Something like that. Hope it helps 😀
he does not even want to hear the alchol.....i start a conversation maby watching tv ect....he does not want gear that word. im obsessed with the word Alcohol ....no conversions at all. so now im lock my door.
i dont speak im soo alone.
I need a lot of help with this.
We got your back, Lori!
Me too! Don’t know where to begin or turn. Been passive 50 years!😳
Oh my god my relationship is a mess
You are in greenville sc? Do you accept tricare?
Hi Lori. Yes, my practice is in Greenville, SC, but we don't file insurance
Do you do private clients.. I am a single mother and just need some help with what to do with my children’s father.. my kids are small and he’s an active addict will be sober for a month or so then he gone smoking crack somewhere, he had overdosed and died more than once and this is a rally urgent situation he’s a sex addict and he has hurt everyone around him.. I need some advice and the wait list here in Ottawa for this kind of help is well over a year.. thanks for reading
-a single mom who feels lost :(
Hi Krista, Sorry you in this really difficult situation. We do offer phone coaching for this type of situation. Here is a link to learn more about it. I'd recommend talking to our relationship specialist (Kim Garrett). She is really wonderful. hopeforfamilies.lpages.co/strategy-session-landing-page-25-discount/
Krista C I just read your extremely sad comment and REALLY hope you took up Amber's offer! I also hope you and your precious children are out the horrendous situation by now.
Your partner might be well into recovery though, or he might not have survived, which happened to me, but that's another story. ❤
Adult addict, how to get them in treatment?
He wants to go to a methadone out patient.
Let him go to the methadone out patient treatment. What's the issue? If you think it's just another way for them to get high. I recommend that you do some research on the subject.
My (alcoholic) brother is constantly calling me to tell me about the latest drama in his life. He calls early in the morning, late at night, when i'm at work, as soon as I get off. If I don't answer, he complains about it. If I don't want to talk, he complains. Also gets into "You don't love me" etc. nonsense. I started getting angry and said it's my %#4% phone, i'll do what I want with it!!!
Ugh, it's always something is a life and death matter.
Oh, 11pm and he's about to cry because his ex-wife is trying to take custody of his kid. At 11 pm? Do any of you work?! No. But I DO!!!!!!!!!!!! But he's not paying child support, because he quit his job. And, so now i'm supposed to suffer because of his decisions? I told you NOT to marry a girl you only knew for 6 months! Now it's ruining my life. And I can't even say so because his ego is so fragile that he can't handle the truth!
The drinking ain't really that bad. It's under control...
Dealing with my adult son
what do you do when they use their life as a barter chip. I'll just find a way to off myself?
Here's a video I made on that topic: th-cam.com/video/LdiUludA4Fw/w-d-xo.html
@@PutTheShovelDown Thankyou Amber that helped alot.
OMFG I have done all the wrong stuff.....
I have asked and my kids have asked my bf to come to our home at a respectful time and not high on coke and he continues to not respect of what we ask.
He also comes at very odd hours to listen to hear if I am with another man. I never have been and he continues to at late hours or early am hours come in and accuse me of having sex with other men and I'm not sure why he thinks of me like this it's hurtful and for him to think so low of me. He says he hears vioces on drugs
his addiction is worse I have tried to stay and work with him because I love him but all this abuse and him only thinking of himself is wearing on me. He is making his family think it's me just like your video says will try to make it that nobody's sees the real truth or what he wants them to see. So many people say I deserve better and that your to good for him and I just don't feel this way yes partly because he has made me feel so low about myself. He has done some pretty bad stuff and it's almost like he feels it not a big deal. Has lost three jobs in less than a year and now finally has one he like and is pretty good and he is not respecting what the boss at his work wants which is no drugs or alcohol while the hours working. He is doing weed and I think some days coke (I can tell he starts problems or just goes mia all the sudden he is very very busy at work) no alchol. It sad he doesn't respect people or people's wishes. Respect goes hand in hand with life, people and your work. ethics
Unfortunately, your boyfriend is a cocaine addict who will selfishly use you until there is nothing left. Get away from him now.
@@peterlyons8793 If you can't put yourself first, then at least put your kids first and kick this guy out of your lives.
Don’t wanna wake up late at night? Ok. WAKE UP EVERYONE ITS 2AM THATS MORNING TIME WAKE UP. STOP SLEEPIN IN GET UP. WHAT ARE YOU DOING SLEEPING AT 1AM THATS MORNING SON. I DONT CARE IF YOU WENT TO SLEEP AT 11:45PM THATS NIGHT TIME. ITS MORNING TIME NOW HERO, GET UP.
Hi there can u please make videos on cyber sex addiction! ❤
Never give up on someone you love……..it’s just like someone with diabetes that want eat right. 🤦♀️💯 Unconditional Love.
It's okay to do what's best for you and your family, if an addict is continuing to hurt me and mines, they'll be unwelcomed around me.
Don't spy or look for stuff! Suddenly you smell this putrid acidic fume & realize your loved one is smoking meth in your house😢
My boundary is to unsubscribe but you are still in my feed. Will you pls stop posting?
You keep seeing hey videos because you keep watching them, and you're reinforcing the algorithm. Stop being your own problem.
My husband sneaks alcohol in the house and I have told him that I don’t want it in or around the house because it upsets my autistic son that found him unresponsive when he drank to much. He is denying that he has a problem. My son always finds his hidden beer cans. What do I do?
Hi Jennifer, I'm not sure if you've seen this video, but it's another good one about setting boundaries with an addicted loved one: th-cam.com/video/bXpcYmBxnVM/w-d-xo.html
Thank you I watch the videos every day!! Last week I found an 18 pack hidden in my car so I dumped it and put it back. 🤦♀️
Thank you I watch the videos every day!! Last week I found an 18 pack hidden in my car so I dumped it and put it back. 🤦♀️
Divorce if you care about you mental health son