Boundaries with an Addict or Alcoholic that you ABSOLUTELY must keep!
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 12 ก.พ. 2020
- Keeping healthy boundaries is a constant struggle when living with an addict or alcoholic, but some boundaries should be NONNEGOTIABLE! This video will explore what to do if an addict or alcoholic becomes emotionally abusive to you. If you have an addicted loved one, please watch this video!
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About Me/Us
My name is Amber Hollingsworth, and I worked in a private psychiatric hospital for 10 years. This facility provided acute care (short term) for serious mental health and Substance Use Disorders. I learned a LOT from my experience working in a psychiatric hospital. I got to see and treat almost every type of mental health and addiction issue you can think of, but it felt like a revolving door. I'd see the same people come in over and over and their families were absolutely desperate for help.
Unfortunately, the system isn't set up to help families in general. I did pretty much every job in that hospital that a counselor could do! I worked in detox. I developed and ran an adolescent substance abuse program. I worked sometimes worked on the unit with severe mental health patients such as Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personal Disorder, and many more.
In addition to working as a counselor in the inpatient facility and the intensive outpatient programs, I also served as Patient Advocate and Service Excellence Coordinator. The Patient Advocate is the person that gets called in when a patient or family member has a complaint. The Service Excellence Coordinator was the person who trained all new staff on providing excellent clinical and customer services.
These experiences gave me a unique perspective on the flaws of our mental health and substance abuse systems and also what needed to be done to correct them.
I don't want to make the facility out to be an inadequate facility. In fact, it was one of the better emergency mental health facilities. It just wasn't useful for creating long-term recovery. You see, the system just isn't set up in a way that's conducive to creating sustainable long-term change for individuals or families.
All this led to me deciding to leave the hospital and start my own addiction treatment center, specializing in addicted family systems. Over the years, I had developed lots of good relationships with other clinicians, and I knew who was the best! I put together a superstar team, and we now run out own outpatient addiction treatment practice called Hope For Families Recovery Center.
We've worked very hard not to tie ourselves to the "big system." We don't work for insurance companies. We don't work for a hospital system, We don't answer to anyone except our clients, their families, and the licensing boards that provide us with our professional license. We have all Licensed Professional Counselors (LPC)-(which are mental health counselors) and also Licensed Addiction Counselors (LAC).
We don't provide inpatient treatment, but we do partner with a phenomenal sober living facility called Greenville Transitions. They offer top-notch sober living care for young men in the early stages of recovery. www.greenvilletransitions.com
Our TH-cam channel is our way of trying to help as many people as possible find the answers they need to beat addiction. We spend a ton of time and money, creating these resources and support that you find valuable and will share them with anyone else you know who may need them. The educational library of addiction resources on our TH-cam channel is completely free of charge and is readily available to any person or family who needs them. So please consider subscribing if you haven't already.
You can help us in our mission to get the right information to everyone who needs it by sharing these family recovery resources.
We know that not everyone can access our treatment services, but we do offer consultations and coaching sessions to individuals and families all over the country. - แนวปฏิบัติและการใช้ชีวิต
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🔖For more information on BOUNDARIES with an addict or alcoholic, watch this next: 👉 th-cam.com/play/PLaaJWwIpP_zaSO2T0UAQ7X5elGVsphwIV.html
Is it possible for you to post anything you know about parental alienation with an alchoholic parent.
Some time I feel scare
Living with an alcoholic can truly feel like being held hostage. I appreciate this video, thank you!
You're so welcome!
I know exactly how you feel!
This hit like a train.... I feel this way .. like there’s no way out..
Yeah
It does!!! My alcoholic isn’t abusive but it still feels line 💀 death to me living with him
Living w Jekyll and Hyde person is an absolute nightmare and I’m trying to be as responsible and stay cool for the kids but the gaslighting and manipulation hit it on the nail. I can’t find an alnon meeting so your videos are very therapeutic. Thank you
Hi 1916mookies! Welcome to our little community. So glad you're here😊
@1916mookies I go to online alanon meetings and it has helped me recover myself over the last year - look up online alanon meetings and you will find meetings available everyday at all times all over the world. Hugs and I hope things get better for you - you are not alone! ❤️
When they're good they're really good. When they're bad, they're really bad. Old saying: "sift the wheat from the shaft". 🤷
i always wonder why people would want to waste their time, energy and their intelligence doing destructive things. It makes no sense to me.
Same❤
Your description of the meanness of the alcoholic at the 3 minute mark is dead on of my guy! The behaviors you describe throughout-- gaslighting, blaming, emotional blackmail, threats. He does all this when drinking but he's subdued when sober. Sober, he deflects from all discussion about anything. He changes the subject, and even when I tell him he's changing the subject he does it again. He's slipery when sober, and a monster from the first sip of alcohol.
Wow, you just describe my adult meth-addicted son to a T. Same exact behavior. I suppose addiction to any type of substance can bring this type thing about. Wow again.
Yep same here for mine he’s abusing pills
I’m blamed for every single thing & the second I express I’m upset about something, the blame game begins & it all spins back around on me. He put a huge scrape & dent in my brand new car & didn’t tell me. When I asked him about it the next day, he made up a story about what he hit (which was a lie) & proceeded to tell me it was my fault bc he was on the phone yelling at me at the time & was distracted. I just want him to leave, I don’t think there’s enough recovery or therapy that would ever make me feel a connection or love towards him again.
Sometimes you're just done! It sounds like you're there
Guilty, for playing into the arguments, then I started to just shut down, he will start say , "who the f*!k you running to" constantly accusing me of having someone else. If I leave it's more arguing, if, I stay it escalates. I can't win ,after watching your videos for past 3 days , I just hang up on him and block him for the rest of the day, I just can't take the emotional abuse anymore.
Good for you. It took me a while too but freedom and peace is something to fight for. It's weird to use the word fight but really it is a struggle to gain our own self esteem to not allow it.
How are you doing now💗💗💗
@@mermaiddiyartist8119 a year later I am working FT as a CNA. He has been in prison almost a year now. I have started divorce paperwork judy stuck in the "what if" he changes. Working very hard to put my life back together.
The emotional tear down is the worst. It tore me apart and made me question everything about myself. I had to leave, it too a long time for me to get out. At least now I know these things are happening now. I will call it out for sure. I apologize for anything I did wrong, no one is perfect, but I won't take gaslighting. I
With my SO now I find retreat a good thing. Sometimes he would say I was just running or abandoning him. I would remind him, when I got back home, that I was not abandoning him or running at all. I was doing the better thing by leaving so we could both calm down. I've let him know that I won't put up with the gaslighting or any of that anymore. That I will go to protect my mental heath. Thankfully, things are better and he had an awakening of sorts and sees everything that he can lose and nearly has. It's work for sure.
You're really getting it MD! I need to get you making some videos!!! 😃😁 What prompted the awakening?
I'm in that hell now. I just want to die
Especially if it's has to deal with begin in a relationship with someone. It's horrible.
@@Alissasness I know how you feel. It's horrible
My husband tried to kill me in a blackout with a 22 gage rifle for a hour and 48 mins. Traumatized still after 11 yrs. He still drinks we have separated 3 times. Our marriage is over and he still blames me because I will not be with him because he still drinks. They really do not care who they hurt and it's you and only you. His favorite quote is you pushed me to do it.
leave
Amber, your channel is so validating and a GODSEND!!! I found your channel a week ago when my marriage with an alcoholic was imploding. This has brought some light, sanity, and reassurance. My husband and I are going to separate. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but I can't let someone continue to call me names and tell me what a terrible person and partner I am everytime he's had so much to drink. I half believed him for a while. Now I'm starting to see he is deflecting and sees me as an obstacle to his drinking. I wish I could wave a magic wand and he would choose recovery, and to treat me better, but he doesn't want that. So I guess it's time for me to take our pets and leave. These videos give me hope that a better life is out there. Keep making them! We are so grateful!!
Thanks you so much for your kind words, Sarah. It helps me so much to know these videos are helping people.
Went thru same here Divorce will be done February 15
Have been made the bad guy for 15 years. When the proverbial poo hit the fan, all of a sudden every mistake from my past was thrown viciously in my face. EVERY mistake. "No wonder you are lonely..." "No wonder you are a loser...." "Why are you such a psycho?" Uh, I think I am the one that has remained calm and NOT reacted to the arrests, the drug addiction, the car accidents and always tried to be there for you? And I'm they psycho? Um, nope. The viciousness of the insults still rings in my ears even today. That was a month ago. Everything you said, I have lived. I will survive. Tired of being blamed for pretty much everything. And by the way, not to be self righteous but personally I have never, not once, had an addiction problem myself. I know it must be horrible to deal with mentally for the addict, but as I said, I am tired as hell of being blamed for things I have nothing to do with. Weird how they do that.
Damn, I've been watching a bunch of these videos without much reaction, so I didn't expect this one to make me cry. It was like some hit a button and just...instant tears. I don't want to believe that this is my reality. I've been over extending my empathy for so long in hopes of steering the ship and getting her sober, but it has had a high price of damage to myself.
It sure does 💔
Ignoring, not talking for days, disdain don’t even try to communicate, I’m so far above YOU
Psychologically Agressive
1) Back Turning: intimidate, manipulate, break down. Call it out or leave the situation.
2) Gaslighting: call it out, leave situation, talk to wise council. Will make you the bad guy.
3) Emotional Blackmail: emotionally devastating threat. Call it out.
I can’t believe how validating this is…. All along I thought he was abusive, bipolar, a narcissist, even autistic!! While ignoring the SEVERE ADDICTIONS HE HAS!! Not once did I think all his abuse was due to being an addict…. 11 years of absolute HELL psychologically and emotionally!!
My sibling/roommate IS autistic/adhd/ocd and an addict 😵💫 Maybe your person is too. It’s hell on earth
@@madimc absolute hell and still going…
I wish I listened to this everyday this last 3 years
Sometimes you just have to be ready to hear it.
@@PutTheShovelDown when the time is right, right?
At least urs was only 3 yrs, I'm going on 14 yrs of this
My husband of 21 years has been emotionally, verbally, mentally, financially, abusive and has physically abused me a couple times. I learned last March throughout our marriage he was living a double life of a sex addict and has been with prostitutes, transvestites and our 18 yr old babysitter. He's been seeing a CSAT for about 4 months and keeps saying he's changed and he's not that way anymore....I will Never trust him again, no matter what! I will forgive him so I can have peace and move on in my life. I don't think someone that has had these issues their whole life, can really change...he's 51 yrs old.
My son told people that I was in a car accident and he needed money to pay my bills. I was not in a car accident and I have insurance if I was. I had to break all communication after that. He’s my last and first prayer every day.
My ex always threatened me with leaving and it worked for a while because he knew that I had abandonment issues in the past. He got the reaction from me that he needed. However, once I educated myself, whenever he threatened to leave, I immediately asked him when he was planning to leave because I wanted to place an ad for a roommate. The threatening to leave stopped until we got divorced. I worked on myself and my abandonment issues.
You called him on his bluff!
Man I'm in tears because today, my husband and I have decided to ask our daughter to leave. She's a 22yr old addict and has our 2 yr old grandchild. It hurts me to my core. We have both suffered mental and physical abuse from her. Everything you've said to the letter she's done and more. I have my own mental health issues as a veteran. I hope to see a video in the future on how to deal with an addict when they have kids. Thank you for your counsel.
I can’t wait to see the video of the children-mom-grandma situation,l am with you.
Emphathy and understanding are all good in normal situations. You can't reason with a tyrant and addictions make people tyrants. I have recently learned of an approach that has worked well. You don't take on the energy that is being put out by the addicted person. You let them talk but you don't take the energy on. Instead of being the container or the trash can, you hold the container outside of yourself and let them dump into that. You can be empathetic and understanding and not be drained. They can throw the trash away when they're done or they can keep it and bring it out another day until there's nothing left to get out of them. That's getting to the cause of the addiction. What's the underlying pain they have not been able to express. It will be under there somewhere. Let it come up and out. But don't take it on. You might be surprised how fast they calm down. Don't take it on, observe, hold the bag open and just say soothing things like uh huh, yes, i understand, i hear you. This is what I learned from a man named Daniel Bruce Levin: Everybody wants to love and be loved, acknowledged and appreciated, and heard.
Rita Robinson love this trash can metaphor! When I use to work at the psych hospital we taught this techniques called Verbal Deescalation (which is exactly what your talking about here. Thanks so much for sharing that. It’s a very helpful construct 🤩.
How long are you willing to have the EXACT SAME conversation day after day, week after week, year after year? I finally started ubering at night, all night. I get beautiful sleep while he's at work! He starts drinking, I go to work.
I NEVER respond to bs texts and WILL temporarily block if he's blowing up my phone.
This is exactly what happens, it all makes sense this is so spot on
Hi Sov1018. thanks for the positive feedback!
The video it’s helpful. I’m so glad I found you. I feel so alone in my situation. My husband of 20 years has been smoking crack behind my back. I knew something was wrong but told myself it must be Bipolar. We have a house and 2 kids, I asked him to quit- he says he has, but I know he hasn’t (I can see him on camera at night). I told him I would take him to get help, he says he can do it on his own. I try to stay calm around him and stay out of his way. I walk on eggshells as he has a terrible temper. I am afraid to leave, I don’t know what he would do to me or the kids. I feel so trapped. I just want my life back, I have done nothing to deserve this. Not sure what to do from here.
I'm so sorry you're stuck in this terrible situation, T. We do have a FREE Facebook group that's for family members. Here's a link in case you're interested. facebook.com/groups/familyrecoverysupport
Thank you!!! I remember the sick feeling in my gut when he first told me he is a long time addict and he relapsed. I felt like I was stepping into a dark side. I just obviously didn't know HOW DARK it is. I don't think he does either. I kept asking him what I could do to help, as if he knows. (Obviously now I know he doesn't know himself either!)
This video validated a lot of my personal experiences with it. Luckily it was a boyfriend situation and I got out when things started to go bad.
I personally have experienced: silent treatment, stonewalling, gaslighting, (which I pointed out right away) lying, blaming, yelling. He also knows that just like him, I get anxious when ignored. So he would ignore me for days, then when I freaked out, he would go, "You need to go talk to someone, I cannot be there for you all the time." acted as if I was the needy girlfriend who needs her bf 24/7, when in reality he disappeared for days himself. it is pretty disgusting actually now I think of it.
Setting healthy boundaries for yourself is the best way to help you and him!
@@PutTheShovelDown Sadly in my situation, it was best to leave. I simply didn't have a boyfriend anymore. Even if I could use all the techniques presented here, my boyfriend would not be present in the relationship due to the addiction. I was the only one in the relationship. I wish him all the best, however I like to experience a relationship that is not just one person.
@@PutTheShovelDown at the end, even spending time together was a chore to him.
A. Ye it’s heartbreaking . I hope you know you did everything you could. He’s got to meet you half way.
A. Ye it’s heartbreaking . I hope you know you did everything you could. He’s got to meet you half way.
My husband wakes me up in the middle of the night to yell and be mean and try to get me to react. He won’t stop when I ask him to. I move to another room to try to leave the situation, but he follows me. It’s usually in the middle of the night when i don’t want to wake up my child and leave the house
My alcoholic sibling has threatened to shoot me and attempted to run me over with their car. When he’s drunk he rants non-stop about how he has hated me since the day my parents brought me home from the hospital (he was 10). Alcohol truly is truth syrum. When a sick elderly parent is the tie that forces you to stay in contact with them is torture. I yearn for the day when I can move as far away as possible from my toxic abusive sibling. I would go into witness relocation to avoid this nightmare if I could.
Yikes, that is a bad situation. Please be safe!
Definitely call the cops
Get out of this relationship he will abuse you. It may not be actually what he said but in another physical form. Trust me I've been there!
When I try to exit a conversation when I am being treated poorly by my alcoholic boyfriend he tells me I am being a coward and hiding from having a conversation.
That's a form of gaslighting
My husband does that all the time
I’ve listened to this time and again to remind myself….our 39 yr old son,has said and tried it all….even to the point of telling us we will never have a relationship with our grandsons or him ,unless we admit that backing away because of his horrendous emotional abuse is wrong…he has called my husband and I Terrible names,and has disrespected nearly every thing in our lives , too vile to even repeat….my heart is broken…but I just don’t have the energy anymore to listen to his hateful rants😢
I have a 40 year old daughter who is doing the same. All other family members have gone no contact with her so I feel even worse for her. I feel a total loss of dignity as I let her treat me terribly then do what I can to help her.
“Call it out!” Love that! 👊
That's right, call it straight out!
THANK YOU so much Love. I needed this. 23 years of emotional abuse.
I'm glad this was helpful!
I think you’re the best thing since Dr Phil! I’m very happy you are so real, and non judgmental of us family members in our roller coaster to sanity 👍 In the video you asked for us to share some of our experiences. I think for me it’s the downplaying of his actions. The absurdity that I don’t accept his norm ( all hours, $ spent, new girls texting that he meets up with, etc..)I’ve witnessed in another family members situation, where it was physical abuse, for her to come home or the house gets burned, and well, she didn’t come home. I hope you realize that your videos are on-point and very helpful
hahahhaha thanks Amber. Telling me I'm like Dr. Phil is gonna make my head get to big! 😁😜 And, you're so right about the minimizing and downplaying. It's one of the ways they make you feel like you're being crazy. They like to make you feel like you're making too big a deal about things (things that are obviously WAY out-of-bounds!)
I are thinking just like me,hold on to your sanity.
Everything you say is on point! Im so happy I found this ...thank you
Here I am watching your videos 6/21/2023. My husband is battling addiction and you don't realize how helpful and life saving (for myself) these videos have been. Thank you, I don't feel alone in this !
You're definitely not alone in this, alfadivaperu! We're glad you're part of our little community! 💓
Great video…just what I needed. So…this type of thing just happened in our family yesterday. Due to an escalation late at night, I had to call the crisis hotline for my grown son’s verbal abuse, rage, and yelling directed at me. He didn’t like that idea so when I handed him the phone to get help, he started screaming and cussing at the crisis hotline worker! Wow! Talk about terrible. I felt so bad for the crisis worker. So after that we took the phone away. My wife then called the police to come to our home and help him deescalate and go to bed. We are fortunate to know the police officer since they have come out before. They were able to calm him down, but it wasn’t easy for our family to sleep last night.
Wow!!! I’ve never had anyone some up Alcoholics manipulation so perfectly!
Hi Jason! Thanks for your kind feedback 😁
I just lost my little sister to addiction and mental health issues. She was such a beautiful person inside and out and I am wracked with regrets and guilt for setting boundaries. How do I know I didn’t cause her death?! Did I do the right thing setting boundaries? I didn’t know she was so sick, if I had I would have helped more. It seems like there is no winning with addiction. I know she is with Jesus because she believed in him and was trying so hard to follow him. I selfishly want her back so I can try to love her better.
You most definitely didn't cause your sisters death, Love Cake! Addiction is a terminal illness. I'm so sorry your sister lost this battle. I've lost several close loved ones to addiction myself.
I am going through the same as you with my big sister I feel the quilt too of not doing enough but nothing is ever enough the alcohol always wins my sisters funeral was last week I’m missing her terribly now and can’t stop crying.
@@PutTheShovelDownThank you so much 😭 I’m so sorry I didn’t see this until today!! You are saving lives and restoring families ❤Keep doing what you are doing!
I think it's important to help people get proper medical care, other services, when they don't have the cognitive abilities to do so. We would do that for a person having a heart attack, in an accident, in a fire, or other serious situations. No, we can't heal them. But we can do tangible things to help stabilize them.
@@user-yd6th5ch5kI tried to get her help, my family did, her friends did but there is only so much we can do legally if she doesn’t want the help. We tried treatment centers, AA, love, advocated for her at the doctors office. My mom was able to get her on disability so her housing and food was paid for. We would grocery shop for her. Every time she was admitted to the hospital we bagged the doctors to help her but she was cognitively well enough to speak for herself. The last time she was at the hospital we begged them to keep her longer to help her because she was unsafe but they still discharged her and 2 weeks later she passed away. You can provide all the help possible, and I agree it’s a disease like a heart attack or diabetes but at this moment we are only allowed to do so much to help a person with BPD. You name it, we tried it.
I never subscribe. But I did for your info. I think your methods may actually help me and my daughter ( a crack addict mom) Thank you! So sad how drugs have ruined her life. I am not giving up though.
Hi Brie, I'll take that as a big compliment! (your subscribing) . I sure hope these videos help you and your daughter.
My heart breaks for you 😭 I’m so sorry you are having to go through the unbearable pain of losing your big sister to her battle with alcohol. Please know you were and are an amazing sister, when the guilt try’s to drag you down remember she wouldn’t want you to feel that way. I think those of us who lose a loved one to addiction feel guilt even through we were there and trying to help them get better by setting boundaries. Remember you have a good heart and were only trying to help your sister, not hurt her and she knows that. I pray God will bless you with happy dreams with her in them as He has done for me. Please know I’m sending you a million hugs right now, crying for you and praying for you. No one should have to experience what you are going through. You will never ever stop missing her but the pain will start to not be as bad and will come in waves. It’s ok to ugly cry, scream and let it all out. Please know she knows your love for her.
It is amazing how accurate your videos are Amber. Everything you are describing has happened to me. Your videos are saving me from insanity.
😁😁😁😁😁😁
@@PutTheShovelDown You sure know your stuff. It's like you have X-rayed these people and seen every trick they use.
I just discovered your channel this year. I can tell you, it's given me valuable tools.
I recently ended an 8-year relationship due to my fiancée abusing pain medication and alcohol. He engaged in every mean behavior you mentioned. This was hard to face. We are both professional people in our 40s and 50s.
The relationship became toxic, abusive, and unsafe.
I faced the fact that it wasn't going to get better. It ended last weekend. I had to call the police due to a battery situation. I drew upon the notes I took from one of your episodes regarding boundaries.
This was my situation as well but he walked out on me after 8 years. The last two years were the worst with the verbal and sometimes physical abuse. We now have a domestic case pending due to him vandalizing my vehicle. He blames me for taking charges out on him. He has a new gf some waitress at his job that has no problem with his alcoholism or abusive ways. She was there when he messed up my vehicle and watched like a spectator along with her young son.
@@sharenahandy8833 it’s only a matter of time till she gets that treatment as well and realizes what she got herself into. I grew up without alcohol, had no alcohol abuse in my family, I don’t drink, so I had absolutely NO idea how bad alcohol addiction could be.
Thank you for making these videos 🙏😊💙
Thank you for talking about emotional blackmail.
Hi amber! My loved one comes out of rehab in 5 days time! I have been learning so much from your videos, especially how I’ve now learned boundaries are for myself & not him. No wonder he always thought I was so controlling during his active addiction!
Thank you for your kind words and support, Paige 😊
Hi, I'm just watching your videos, thank you, as the sister of two alcoholics, who started as narcissists, I can state clearly some persons are not nice people under the facade of the substance.
Sometimes they threat to call your boss or friends and tell them lies about you.
So true. Emotional blackmail!
I'm glad he's out of my house. I'm now focusing on damage control, co-dependency. I love listening to your videos while I work. Thanks
@@jannetteortiz5508 that’s great Jannette! ❤️. It’s so much easier to think straight when it’s not in your home!
Omg! The perfect video I needed to see right now! Thank You 🙏!
My pleasure, Christopher!
Hi Amber I just want to thank u for these helpful addiction videos I have learned alot and can make logical decisions from now .God bless
Great video I am glad I came upon your videos.they are really helping to understand and to heal
I'm so glad!
I love this channel. I love this video!
Two of my three adult children are in active addiction. As naive as it sounds, I’ve accepted so much blame and guilt from them both. I am starting to see now how they are using psychologically aggressive behaviors (particularly gaslighting?) to manipulate me and remain irresponsible for their own actions. Thank you so much for helping me to understand this behavior and for providing strategies that help me to learn how to respond differently.
I'm so glad these videos have been helpful to you, Jessica!
So grateful I found this channel. Diving in.💙
Glad you're here Yvette! Welcome to our little community.
I would also add that you do not need to wait until you are on the verge to a nervous Break down before you remove yourself from the addited person.
This is especially important when it also involves children who might get hurt by it.
Note to self: addicted not addited...
God bless you for posting these videos!! Thank you for helping people like myself who were lost looking for answers when dealing with a loved one with an addiction.
My wife put me through a roller coaster ride for the past two years with an addiction. We had a beautiful home and family but unfortunately I had to leave and take our son with me so we could have a calm and safe place. I just wanted to rest my mind from all the verbal abuse.
It has been 6 months and My wife is trying hard to stop with her addiction. She wants her family back. She cries when she does drugs. She gets mad at her self Because she can’t stop She’s going to church and attending meetings, but nothing is working.
I told her she needs treatment to be locked in a place that she can’t leave I think this is the only option at this point to give her some clarity in life.
You're so welcome!
I just found you today. Not sure if you even see these comments anymore but if so thank you so much. A lot of this video rings true with my son. He has been on and off alcohol and weed for years I think 11 now. Have tried everything to save him. Spent so much money and time waiting for the phone to ring or to make sure he's alive on social media. Can't believe how many behaviors he has that you mentioned in this video. Emotional blackmail is there for sure. I think that recognizing it is the first step to not allowing it. So thank you. From another mother who thinks she can save her 27 year old son by pushing all of his buttons instead of listening to someone who does this for a living. When you know better you do better.
Im crying so hard 😭 because this has been my life for damn near 3 years...This is a nightmare.
I'm so sorry you're going through this! 😥
I go through many of these things daily ... Don't worry.... Just try.... It's difficult... They ll keep on provoking you to fight ... Just keep reminding urself this is world is filled with good things and love... Just try to avoid that person... I myself trying hard...
Hey. What I find interesting here, is that you talk of your son and boundaries. I grew up with an addict mother, went on to date addict men - realised the patterns when I fell pregnant and moved away to raise my son- away from any addicts to try and brake this pattern. The pressure doing this has been so tough and of course at the same time I am still dealing with the emotional abuse and heaviness of drug/ alcohol users. I realise I do not understand boundaries- I don’t know them, I know my son needs them, I don’t want him to be like those people Or like me: vulnerable, takes a lot of shit with empathy for others, Insecure, doubtful, emotionally dependant. Some times I get so flustered, as I am seeing to my sons every whim (Which I want to with love) and he get annoyed or says not nice things - I think I have done this all my life and now I am still doing it! I am becoming controlling and angry- something I never was with the addicts in my life. Any suggestions? x
Read codepedent no more. Everything you describe resonates with me, I think it will be very helpful for you. The transition from being a people pleaser t being cntrlling/angry is very cmmon. A person can only take so much, and smetimes the pent up rage comes out in unhealthy ways.
I am new to your channel and this has been super helpful as I have not started going to meetings for myself. I do a lot of driving so I’m listening a lot. Thank you for your channel.
I Anne, Welcome to our little community. I'm so glad you're here. Let me know if you have any topic suggestions. 😊
I wish you could do one on living with a high functional alcoholic, my boyfriend is nice but sometimes I feel 80% of the relationship he is drunked.
Hi Ana, Here's a video I did about High Functioning Alcoholics: th-cam.com/video/BB1RI8n2GLE/w-d-xo.html
My alcoholic ex used to gaslight me all the time. Boy, I wish I had your videos in the 90's when I was going through that. But, I have a 34 year old daughter who is a heroin addict with BPD and does the same thing to me now. Her real dad is not involved with her so of course she dumps everything on me, even when I do things for her. All I hear from her is that I am a narcisisstic mother and caused all her problems and how she has studied all about it, but yet doesn't know anything about Borderline Personality Disorder.
Sounds like you're in a no win situation
I get the answer, its natural. So igive my concern and backoff to let them think about their choices. Usually works better than getting to the emotional levels
100%. A+
I needed to hear this video. ALL of it! My mom is an end stage alcoholic and ever since I confronted her drinking she’s been doing all this to me. She’s spreading her delusional lies to everyone in the family and holding even past mistakes over my head from 10+ yrs ago that I’ve moved past and making me out to be the bad guy. It’s emotionally damaging having a mother that’s always willing to hurt you to preserve her lies, bad behavior, and drinking but she’s a darn master manipulator that I was under her spell even for a long time. It’s even emotionally damaging once you realize how their own addictions played out in your upbringing, the lies the told you to make you feel bad so they could feel better, the volatile fighting and explosive behavior I learned that I’ve had to truly work on to fix as well in myself. If I wouldn’t have opened up my own eyes I would’ve kept ruining my own life from the distorted life lens my parents raised me in.
Hey xx I can totally relate to you, it has been so hard having a mum that wants to do you harm. I know she doesn’t mean it and it’s just her suffering but when it’s repeatedly thrown on you - making us the bad guys ..... when all we want is our mum to hold us to live us and help us. It’s great you have seen the cycle and are willing to brake it and make a change. Best of luck to you You can do it we can do it. Just remember that she does really love you but she is just so caught up in her own suffering. :( very sad x more motivation for us to become good people and not pass on the same x with love
I totally understand I experience the same thing. Sucks also because I keep finding the same type of people. But I swear I would rather be lonely than try to connect with these abusive people. Change is on it way. I am not bad . They are projecting there guilty and shame on me .
I'm just researching for my bro that I live with, he's a nice guy (for the most part, has his days), but I'm afraid for him as he drinks so much and the body can only take so much, also I dread to think what's it's doing to his emotional well being. My parents and other two brothers are also alcoholics imo. I also had a weakness there (weak stomach never really allowed me to drink heavy more than once a week though, I'm honestly glad), but prefer to be completely sober now, especially as I want to set a good example for my bro.
Thanks for doing these vids, I just cried actually, I do pray for my bro and I'll never stop that, it's actually good for MY emotional well being as well. Before I started seriously praying for my brother, I was getting bitter and angry secretly towards him, oh it overflowed and I was getting passively aggressive, it really strained our relationship. But since I've started praying for him when I go for walks, it's changed my whole perspective of him, I see him as someone that needs help, not to look down upon or judge. That's just my 2 cents, as you say in the USA :)
ps Looks like a Jersey cow in the painting behind you, that's where I'm from, they're great!
Hi Jeremiah, I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with your brother. I also have a sister that has struggled with addiction since she was a teenager. You've done a great job of turning around your thinking. Don't let your brothers addiction to alcohol change who you are!
Thank you so much. I knew I was in pain, but didn't understand it was emotional abuse.
I'm sorry you're going through that Lin, but I am glad you educating yourself.
@@PutTheShovelDown My husband has completed rehab and is now in recovery! I owe so much to this channel. Thank you for all you do! I have family week this week and can't wait to tell the group about your channel.
great video!! well explained. thanks
Thank you for this enlightening information. I have been struggling to understand my 40+ year old son's attitude and behaviour. Is he a covert narcissist? I was shocked to learn from his ex partner (the mother of his children)that he had an alcohol problem. Watching this video has made me realise that he has. I have gone no contact with him for the past 2 years and your videos will definitely help me to manage this situation. Thank you from this confused mum for giving your time and expertise on this
subject. It is extremely helpful.
So very glad this was helpful to you, Jan!
The things you mentioned relates to our old tenant in our home that got evicted because he couldn't pay his rent. He literally did everything you described in the first few minutes about manipulation and making things your fault to make you doubt your self. They are a joke... I can see how sensitive people could be manipulated by these kinds of people. Thanks for your resources.
P.s if you are confronting someone and know they are violent please have a secret camera recording or someone on standby to help you. I watch to much movies seeing innocent people helping people they love and being murdered.
So true, Jason!
I secretly audio taped my husband while he was threatening me and my daughter. I told him I taped him and he wants me to get rid of it since he is in trouble with the law now due to this and another incident. He told me I have angles and called me many horrible names. I told him I erased it because I don't want him to know. I don't plan on playing this to the police although my last hope for him to detox is jail time.
My husband is addicted to MJ and I can relate to all of this over the last 11 years. Hes now trying to "clean up" but the psychological abuse and manipulation are worse than EVER!!!
I was a social worker in an acute care hospital for years before I retired. Your videos are EXCELLENT. It is heartbreaking to think how many women (and men as well) put up with this kind of behavior in the home as if life doesn't throw enough challenges at us in these times.. It's waaay too much drama! When I read of such suffering I think, "Why not just LEAVE him??" (but I get it... there are kids or you don't have the $$ to find a place, etc etc. but at least go to an Al-Anon meeting if you can or find meetings online. It's too much to handle alone. I lived with one too back in the '90s and I'm not ashamed to say I left him after he hit me ONE TIME. I had clearly stated that boundary when I moved in and I held to it. (of course he called after I moved out and tried to lure me back to the Titanic but I said NO. look out for #1!
Amber, you’re awesome! You get it.
Right back at ya, Sheila!
I really appreciate your videos. I'm an addict and I've been accused of being a narcissist. I know I've acted like an addict, tried to cover my tracks, tried to defend myself, etc. But I'm not a narcissist when I'm not in the throes of my addiction. I actually feel like I've been gaslit whenever I was made to believe I had to be a narcissist. I think my spouse has some borderline organization which is making dealing with this together almost impossible.
Hi Venski, You're right! When people are in the throughs of addiction, it often looks like other mental health symptoms. The key is understanding what happens when they aren't in active addiction.
Hi Amber, Very useful video, my daughter has severe OCD and is very controlling and videos are very helpful.
Thanks Margo! I'm really glad these videos are helping you 🥰
What happens when you are at the point where you have been empathetic and let things go. Not engage in fights. But it becomes daily life and they are taking over again because you know the minute you say something the mean behavior and turning back on you is immediate. So you find yourself just existing next to a person that is happy that you silenced and believes they can stop recovery and start slowly go back to using.
You are a God Send. Thank you so much.
Right back at ya!
The first aggressive behavior is so my bf...I’m glad I’m not crazy.
You're definitely not crazy, Davi!
They do shit to you and you confront them. They do narcissist shit and play the victim. They can't identify your feeling but they imitate what your feelings and react like you should have. It's nuts. They make you out like your hurting them. When actually they are hurting you. Then they say your trying to change them and bringing up their flaws.
happy new year 2023-24🎉binging on this channel❤wish i read this alot earlier: laugh instead of cry. Too much to mention. Thx from a new friend 🙏 we pray for each other plz ...
Thank you!!
You're welcome, Colors Of Being! Thanks for watching and for taking the time to leave a comment.
I want to say that I do well with ignoring my AH when he does this shit but I tend to hold it in and then EXPLODE finally on him and then he REALLY turns it on me!! It is the most frustarting thing I have dealt with in my life.
We recently had an event where our home became unsafe and my son and I had to leave. Dad was a functioning alcoholic but I was not consistent with boundaries and definitely enabled the behaviors for the sake of “keeping the family together”. Next week he has been 60 days sober and we have talked about coming home to work together as a family…. But he also is emotionally blackmailing me by saying he will get rid of the dogs or I need to find the dogs home if I don’t come back. He even said he was going to sell the house because he doesn’t want to live their without us. It is so hurtful that he uses the animals as a way to manipulate. My heart just hurts, and honestly he’s sober but he isn’t even being nice to me or made me feel like I want to come back.
Thank u so much...I just need to be calm or leave the situation physically which is really hard but I ll try it for sure...
You got this!
Omgeeee ..needed this video now also..Aeriously saving my heart and sanity...and saves him from me also as when I am stressed and break ..I am physiologically toxic and hurtful..I d love for you to adress this very serious issue .When their triggers trigger caregiver/ loved ones triggers and WE become hurtful and poison ( I have early childhood traumas in with an abusive alcoholic step dad , depressed mom who would have regular breakdowns often hodpitalized) and then ongoing life trauma and prad from sexual assaults and partners with addictions...and I have bipolar and adhd ...so ..my sons substance Buse manipulation and schizophrenia...😑its always only a matter if time befor I seriously explode with hot lava and venum😥and then I grieve and hate on myself and I ve really sacked a heavy punch to their heart
You're so right T. It's very easy to fall into the "bad guy role". There are so many emotional triggers, it's very difficult to stay objective.
Thankyou for this video, Im 8 months pregnant and my partner is an alcoholic and gaslights me constantly and manipulates me and I won't stand for it. I've had to be logical instead of emotional...thankyou for your help and advice.
You're so welcome, Tia. I'm glad these videos are helpful during such a difficult time.
Says he’ll be home in a little while, then 2 hours later doesn’t answer phone or text and stays out all night long at home of teenage son and ex. Complete deal breaker for that relationship. Alcohol is in charge. No insight. Conscience is out the window.
My AH, for the first time since he started drinking every evening 4+ yrs ago, hurt me physically two nights ago. How? Wrestling my phone from me bc I had called our adult son to reinvite him to his own birthday celebration bc my h. told him to stay home. My AH seemed demon possessed & was spitting angry, in my face, then tried to get my phone, hurting my arm & hand. I had to run to my car, lock myself in to get away from him, but not before I grabbed his phone before getting in my car. I then called my sons sobbing. Well they came together, from an hour away, and even though they told him never ever touch Mom again, etc..my ah still gaslit me the entire time. I was numb and in shock so I didn't even try to defend myself. It was just too much. I am disabled, aged 55, have no where to go, depend on my ah financially bc my income is so small. I know I could get spousal support etc...But I am still here. I am now afraid of ah bc once they do it again, they'll be more apt to do it again, yet I feel paralyzed, stuck. Any words of advice? I took pics of the bruise btw. It's still hard to leave!! I feel like a coward.
Thanks so much for this. I've been experiencing everything you mentioned. I've decided to stay away from addict adult daughter as she is verbally abusive to me in front of my 5 y.o granddaughter. It's difficult to stay away though because I worry about her but I think it is best for now. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Sometimes we have to make those really difficult decisions. It’s just awful having to watch your own child go through this
@@PutTheShovelDown your advice has really put things in perspective ❤️❤️
Grab the kid and run!
As I was getting reacquainted with an old BF through text messaging our communication would start going haywire. I realized it was because he was drinking and it was causing me a lot of frustration and confusion. So during a phone call I came out and asked him to let me know when he was drinking. He responds with, well you go out more than I do! I spoke up and said, we both know you don’t have to go out to drink, you are drinking at home and when you’ve had a few your communication in text starts to confuse me and frustrates me trying to understand where you are coming from. Needless to say our friendship was short lived. The short time we spent texting or talking I could tell something was really off with him.
Sometimes when we were talking on the phone he would share something and if I didn’t respond right away I’d hear this angry….HELLO, HELLO? Or if I didn’t reply to a text right away, again.. HELLO?????????
Bye bye Dan! Enough is enough.
I'm glad you recognized what was happening early in the relationship!
Thanks!
Wow, thanks so much Eugenia! 😁😁😁
I just found your videos. I'm dealing with an addictive husband. I've been feeling crazy & guilty. Honestly, I've been feeling emotionally abused but couldn't prove it. My husband has just started to call me ho & bitch because I've been confronting his addiction. I'm hoping to respond differently next time. One thing I'm glad about or recognize is that he used to threaten to leave (apparently trying to blackmail me) but now I tell him to go because I don't want him here, he no longer has that leverage. Now, I'm trying to set boundaries.
THANK YOU SOUL VERY MUCH!
You're very welcome!
Hello my name is Angela Robinson and I have been living with lupus among other things. I have been with an alcoholic for over a year. He feels like he don't drink everyday so he is not an alcoholic. His problem is liquor. He was drunk on my birthday it was supposed to be my night I turned 45. I don't about that birthday night at all. He does this at home in front of his son and girlfriend he embarrasses me so that makes me come out of my character. I hate being around him now because of all the hurtful things said and done to me. He claims he doesn't remember what he did the day before. I really don't believe it.
Hi Angela, you should watch this video (if you haven't already). It's about how dealing with all this stress triggers chronic medical issues. th-cam.com/video/gWuCtUAXKkQ/w-d-xo.html
I feel like they always use the excuse they don't remember. Funny thing is they sure do remember where u hid their alcohol during that supposed black out.
If you walk away, lots of times that makes them angrier and they'll follow you.
Thank you x
Any time!
When I tell my husband not to be here if he's drunk. He goes with other women because "I hurt him"
That's definitely emotional blackmail.
Thank you for this video. I'm challenged with my alcoholic spouse in denial about drinking and my kids are becoming use to trying to keep her happy. I intervene when the kids get yelled at and unfortunately I usually get in a cycle of only communicating by text until she starts talking to me again and it's always blamed on me why she got mad and raging. Afraid to make the next move to break this cycle of insanity.
Hi Jeff, The CRAFT method is the most effective way of getting someone to take steps toward soberiety. You can learn about it in the book, Beyond Addiction (you can find it on our Amazon recommendation list: www.amazon.com/shop/addictionrecoveryresources-hopeforfamilies) We also teach this method in our Invisible Intervention online course: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/invisible-intervention
Her behavior is damaging your children. Please, if she doesn’t agree to get help, leave her and take your children so they don’t have to endure the emotional and mental abuse. Protect your babies; they didn’t do anything to deserve this.
I like your advice to leave the situation, even if it means renting a hotel room for a night or two, or staying with understanding family or friends. Do what works for you in your situation. ❤️
Told I'm crazy ,told my grown up kids think I'm crazy trying to cause a rift .Call it out
my person is the most loving person i’ve ever met but becomes the complete opposite when they are using drugs.
my person was becoming more and more psychologically aggressive and used a lot of gaslighting and started lying a lot, creating arguments out of thin air and I was starting to feel very confused all the time. But then he’d go back to being himself for a little while. I started to think he had a psych disorder and we discussed that possibility and what I did was give him the greatest excuse in the world for him to continue using and abusing the drug and hurting me emotionally.
Well there a came a point where he could not lie to me anymore about anything and I asked him to leave. Basically told him that’s where I draw the line and I’m done.
That was the first time he became physically abusive with me.
He was arrested and then went on a complete binge and had to be hospitalized about 4 days later.
I still love this person and I am trying very hard to learn all I can about addiction so that I can be supportive yet have really strong boundaries should we get back together, which I think we will. Just praying with all that has happened to him and now having nothing but time to think with a clearer mind that he will finally admit he has a problem and will seek help beyond the hospital stay.
your videos have become my favorite so far. much needed info at this critical time in my life.
thank you 🙏🏼
Oh my, That sounds like a Very hard situation. I can relate a bit. How are you now?
My husbands cycles always end with binge drinking…and I’m his target.
I cannot wait to have this all behind me.
I’m currently in the process of taking the legal steps to make that happen.
Thank you Jesus 🙌🏽
👋
Thank you,I'm not dealing in a family setting. But I was broken down gaslit scared last year,now they are trying to do the same this year. No support network,the couple people just think I'm crazy because I do have mental health issues. But they don't know about addiction triangulating gaslighting or flying monkeys
Been dealing with this for 9 years… was venting to me on how I felt with the way he was treating specially since he on relapse. he called me every name in the book, cursed my life out, called me hurtful name like ugly, psycho and crazy to try to bring me down. He told me things like I never wanted to marry you and so much more. He blew up my phone with nasty hurtful texts to bring me down. I couldn’t help but break down in tears because its hurtful. He blames me for his relapse all the time. I hear him constantly talk about ending his life and so much more it dragging me mentally and physically. I stayed loyal patient all these years. He has these episodes every few weeks and they get super bad when we argue. He gaslights/manipulates me makes me the bad guy after tell him what he’s doing to me is not ok.
Thanks Justine for your honesty sharing this history of his cruel words that you never deserved. I have been dating a meth addict for 3.5 years and it has been wonderful. I felt so loved and protected. Then a meth user moved onto his property, was homeless and he had easy access to more use. Within 3 months, his behavior shifted in ONE day to angry, explosive and pointing out my "flaws" that are "too much". Total bs. I was devastated when this happened 3 weeks ago. He has not been back to apologize. But he needed to "blame" me for his escalated use so he could continue to escalate his use... I don't use so I don't fit in ...So glad for this site. Freedom from abuse is SWEET! I have way more energy for building a sane life, free from the stress.. Appears to me you have a losing battle on your hands. Unlikely to change. Sorry for your loss. Take care of your self and don't stay for ANY more abuse.
Ha!... "calling it out," is, usually, like pouring kerosene, on a fire, and, I end up, being the burn victim. 🔥