AMBER, very helpful and the movie clips made me smile and lighten the load. Appreciate that you Acknowledge (we are so tired) of hiding all our true “inside”thoughts to help our AD.
All of this is exhausting. Been married to this man for 25 years and dealing with his addiction and recovery the whole time. Already walking on eggshells and jumping through hoops. Now I need to trick him into thinking he’s the hero if he ever acknowledges addiction again. 😢
Very good video! Been dealing with this addiction problem with my loved one for so long, I don’t honestly think I can anymore. She’s on another downward spiral and it’s so hard to watch. I’m exhausted!
New subscriber, not new to the subject. My first al-anon meeting I was nine years old. Great content. I stop by whenever I start slipping. Wanted to add cause I'm not sure whether you have it in your videos? Support group Meetings for the non addicts is a must as well. Al-anon(family & friends of addicts) as well as coda(codependents annoynous). We all use the basic same program materials. Coda I only find less than a year ago. I usually talk with a twang m'self after watching you. My poppas family is from md. Poppa was also stationed overseas when I was a toddler & we lived on base or just off base in Louisiana. I always seem to have the twang when near other twangers. Anyway, bless y'all & thank you for your work, XOXOXO Moon
I have been severely abused by alcoholics in my life since I was a child. I feel like I have to say this because your videos are very upsetting for me. I watched time and time again as the abuser got help, the abuser had resources, the abuser got support, while their victims were terrorized and abused. We really need to rethink some of these boundaries of teaching people to be nice and not sound like a jerk. Many of us were groomed to appease the alcoholics and the toxic unhealthy traumatizing environments they created. They often bring in other alcoholics and put their family in harm's way time and time again. They do serious damage to our minds, our hearts, our voices are absolutely robbed. I am so tired of people telling victims to be kind, gentle, nonconfrontational. You don't know what you are doing, or teaching. It makes me so angry that I was taught to have my voice taken from me, that I was seriously mentally, emotionally, abused. I was spun into circles, broken. I don't understand why people can't see that these nice guy approaches are extremely toxic, exploitable, and disrespectful to victims. They are not very nice people, they say what they want, they do a lot of damage, they are cruel, threatening, you are held captive, you are systematically broken down until you can't even think about leaving them. He would laugh at me and tell me what his counselors said that he was the victim, and we should support him. It got so bad I was too scared to even speak to him. I get this is the extreme side of things, but there have been others, many others. I just never understood how they could be so very cruel, lack empathy for everyone, play so many cruel, hurtful, abusive games, yet we are always taught to be kind, nice, pleasant, don't annoy them, don't upset them, just be polite while they abuse you. I am sorry, I just find a lot of these videos so very hurtful. I guess it reminds me of how much support my abuser was always given, while I barely survived.
I’m so sorry you experienced that horrible trauma. Children and the vulnerable need to be protected first and foremost. The adults in your life should have protected you 😢
I'm no expert in any of this but after reading your comment, a few things occur to me: 1) I don't think Amber is talking about the situation you're describing. She's talking about adults that have addicts living with them who they want to help - children or spouses or even family or even friends who aren't living with them but who they want to help - and think it's worth trying to help. And even then, Amber has a lot of videos and resources for the non addicts - to help them determine when it's worth trying to help and WHEN IT ISN'T. She has videos on boundaries and a lot of other things. She always supports people's decisions to separate from addicts in their lives if that's the best decision for the non addict. 2) I don't think Amber - or any competent addiction counselor - would disagree with you at all. What you're describing is a childhood of child abuse due to addiction and enablers and your safety and well-being should've come first and it didn't. The people who excused the abusive adults, parents, guardians, family members, etc. in your life were not correct, they were enablers, codependents, and co abusers. 3) The addicts are not victims. One of the first steps in getting sober is to take full responsibility for your actions and addiction. Another way to look at it is the saying "your mental health might not be your fault but it is your responsibility". Meaning that maybe an addict can't relate to being entirely responsible for what might have contributed to their addiction. But they are responsible now that they are an addict and for their recovery. In fact the number one first and even only step that Amber often cites is that to get sober, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and playing the victim. 4) The approaches Amber teaches like in this video are communication skills that are strategic and critical in helping addicts. However it's up to the person learning and using them if they even want to try. It's for people who probably think it's worth trying - and the addict in their life is still worth more than the problems their causing. That sounds like that wouldn't apply to your situation at all. 5) Amber's mom was an addict and died because of it. Amber's step sister still is, last she mentioned it. So she probably understands and agrees with where you're coming from. Again, I would say videos like this are not for those who (and rightly so) are not interested in having anyone with addiction in their lives anymore. 5) the yt channel Patrick Teahan might be of interest to you. He is an excellent childhood trauma counselor who survived as a kid much of what you describe and has excellent videos on healing from that and reclaiming yourself, your power, and your life. He's a big proponent of going no contact with toxic enabling family and teaches how to do that and how to create and uphold boundaries. 6) again, videos and approaches like this ARE useful and appropriate for some situations but not all. And I think Amber would be the first to acknowledge that (and has).
@tinaperez7393 Thank you for your reply. I was thinking some of the same points just today as the original comment. I found your comment helpful as well. Thank you.
it all can hurt so much losing your voice, not upholding your boundaries being tormented by it all because he feels so powerless to be able to do anything to help
This is good advice, and yes it's wicked hard to set aside your own frustration and anger, but it takes practice. Not always easy, but I TRY to at least interject at least one or two empathetic questions/comments. I may not be able to stay on track with them but I keep trying
Just started watching your videos and love them. Where do I begin with a young adult child who is not willing to quit and says I can stop anytime I want?
Hi Kim, Welcome to our little community. So glad you're here. This is a link to my playlist on dealing with Denial: th-cam.com/video/goDCrmahx-c/w-d-xo.html And here's a link to learn more about my online course called the Invisible Intervention: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/invisible-intervention
Hi love your content! I have a drug and alcohol abuse partner, he was on drugs lost his mind for 3 days he doesn’t remember a thing what he did, he was breaking up with me … almost said every day. Now he is back, he is going to rehab, and still plan our future. I already find rentals to move out during his crazy time. But now I’m hesitating to move out. Should I stay and help him or leave but still be in a relationship with him…
My son (45)has been addict for 20+years to hard drugs and alcohol, works hard every day. He recently switched from methadone clinic to suboxone with my encouragement. I asked him to go on the injection or implant and he says he’s not ready for that yet. I let him know I’m aware he can “cheat” just taking the pills. He says rehab doesn’t work for him ( he’s been several times). My question: should I continue to suggest suboxone implant ?? Or wait until he brings up the subject?
Trying to work on my reactions but have so much anger and I took all his bank cards and started driving him to AA as didn't trust him in his car. Do I stop doing these? He does want to stop and doesn't disagree with me controlling these aspects but still think he has had a few slip ups since. Hard to trust after catching him lieing so many times xx
@@PutTheShovelDown thanks so much for the reply, I hate feeling like I have to watch everything but I actually asked him tonight what he thought n he said to keep driving him which shocked me. Loving your videos, first thing I have found helpful and to give me some direction in trying to help. Thank you so much xx
That part about them feeling like THE HERO in their STORY is such a great point!
😁😁😁
😭🤍
AMBER, very helpful and the movie clips made me smile and lighten the load. Appreciate that you Acknowledge (we are so tired) of hiding all our true “inside”thoughts to help our AD.
Curiousity
Acknowledge (difficulties)
Reinforce (strengths)
Damage control
A++++
You’re a Godsend. I wish I would have watched your videos before I broke up. At the same time I just couldn’t take it anymore
All of this is exhausting. Been married to this man for 25 years and dealing with his addiction and recovery the whole time. Already walking on eggshells and jumping through hoops. Now I need to trick him into thinking he’s the hero if he ever acknowledges addiction again. 😢
Very good video! Been dealing with this addiction problem with my loved one for so long, I don’t honestly think I can anymore. She’s on another downward spiral and it’s so hard to watch. I’m exhausted!
Prayers for you and your loved one, we’re dealing with a tough addiction as well🙏🏼💛
It is mentally and physically exhausting! 🙏
Come to Al-Anon meetings!!! You will recover your peace and sanity !! ❤
Thanks so much
doing all I can to
play the CARD right🙂 along with lots of prayers and wisdom💛
Sending you lots of prayers, Alicia 💓
Good info. Thank you
Thanks for watching!
Watch The Rest of This Series on Influencing Someone To Get Sober 👉🏻👉🏻th-cam.com/video/fvprrgAkJBU/w-d-xo.html
CARD:
- CURIOSITY
- ACKNOWLEDGE (difficulties)
- REINFORCE (their strengths and positives),
- DAMAGE CONTROL (during setbacks - focus on the progress made, empowering perspective vs disempowering).
Might be your best video yet from a visual and editing standpoint
Of course content is still fire as always
Awww thanks! I try 💓💓😁😁
This is best advice ever!!!
Thanks Aileen! 😁😁
New subscriber, not new to the subject. My first al-anon meeting I was nine years old.
Great content. I stop by whenever I start slipping. Wanted to add cause I'm not sure whether you have it in your videos? Support group Meetings for the non addicts is a must as well. Al-anon(family & friends of addicts) as well as coda(codependents annoynous). We all use the basic same program materials. Coda I only find less than a year ago. I usually talk with a twang m'self after watching you. My poppas family is from md. Poppa was also stationed overseas when I was a toddler & we lived on base or just off base in Louisiana. I always seem to have the twang when near other twangers.
Anyway, bless y'all & thank you for your work,
XOXOXO
Moon
Embrace the twang! 😁
I have been severely abused by alcoholics in my life since I was a child. I feel like I have to say this because your videos are very upsetting for me. I watched time and time again as the abuser got help, the abuser had resources, the abuser got support, while their victims were terrorized and abused. We really need to rethink some of these boundaries of teaching people to be nice and not sound like a jerk. Many of us were groomed to appease the alcoholics and the toxic unhealthy traumatizing environments they created. They often bring in other alcoholics and put their family in harm's way time and time again. They do serious damage to our minds, our hearts, our voices are absolutely robbed. I am so tired of people telling victims to be kind, gentle, nonconfrontational. You don't know what you are doing, or teaching. It makes me so angry that I was taught to have my voice taken from me, that I was seriously mentally, emotionally, abused. I was spun into circles, broken. I don't understand why people can't see that these nice guy approaches are extremely toxic, exploitable, and disrespectful to victims. They are not very nice people, they say what they want, they do a lot of damage, they are cruel, threatening, you are held captive, you are systematically broken down until you can't even think about leaving them. He would laugh at me and tell me what his counselors said that he was the victim, and we should support him. It got so bad I was too scared to even speak to him. I get this is the extreme side of things, but there have been others, many others. I just never understood how they could be so very cruel, lack empathy for everyone, play so many cruel, hurtful, abusive games, yet we are always taught to be kind, nice, pleasant, don't annoy them, don't upset them, just be polite while they abuse you. I am sorry, I just find a lot of these videos so very hurtful. I guess it reminds me of how much support my abuser was always given, while I barely survived.
I’m so sorry you experienced that horrible trauma. Children and the vulnerable need to be protected first and foremost. The adults in your life should have protected you 😢
I'm no expert in any of this but after reading your comment, a few things occur to me:
1) I don't think Amber is talking about the situation you're describing. She's talking about adults that have addicts living with them who they want to help - children or spouses or even family or even friends who aren't living with them but who they want to help - and think it's worth trying to help.
And even then, Amber has a lot of videos and resources for the non addicts - to help them determine when it's worth trying to help and WHEN IT ISN'T. She has videos on boundaries and a lot of other things. She always supports people's decisions to separate from addicts in their lives if that's the best decision for the non addict.
2) I don't think Amber - or any competent addiction counselor - would disagree with you at all. What you're describing is a childhood of child abuse due to addiction and enablers and your safety and well-being should've come first and it didn't. The people who excused the abusive adults, parents, guardians, family members, etc. in your life were not correct, they were enablers, codependents, and co abusers.
3) The addicts are not victims. One of the first steps in getting sober is to take full responsibility for your actions and addiction. Another way to look at it is the saying "your mental health might not be your fault but it is your responsibility". Meaning that maybe an addict can't relate to being entirely responsible for what might have contributed to their addiction. But they are responsible now that they are an addict and for their recovery. In fact the number one first and even only step that Amber often cites is that to get sober, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and playing the victim.
4) The approaches Amber teaches like in this video are communication skills that are strategic and critical in helping addicts. However it's up to the person learning and using them if they even want to try. It's for people who probably think it's worth trying - and the addict in their life is still worth more than the problems their causing. That sounds like that wouldn't apply to your situation at all.
5) Amber's mom was an addict and died because of it. Amber's step sister still is, last she mentioned it. So she probably understands and agrees with where you're coming from. Again, I would say videos like this are not for those who (and rightly so) are not interested in having anyone with addiction in their lives anymore.
5) the yt channel Patrick Teahan might be of interest to you. He is an excellent childhood trauma counselor who survived as a kid much of what you describe and has excellent videos on healing from that and reclaiming yourself, your power, and your life. He's a big proponent of going no contact with toxic enabling family and teaches how to do that and how to create and uphold boundaries.
6) again, videos and approaches like this ARE useful and appropriate for some situations but not all. And I think Amber would be the first to acknowledge that (and has).
@tinaperez7393
Thank you for your reply. I was thinking some of the same points just today as the original comment. I found your comment helpful as well. Thank you.
it all can hurt so much losing your voice, not upholding your boundaries being tormented by it all because he feels so powerless to be able to do anything to help
So true, my ex and his family blame me for his shit ..I suffered so much abuse .. physical, emotional and sexual ...he is a monster
This is good advice, and yes it's wicked hard to set aside your own frustration and anger, but it takes practice. Not always easy, but I TRY to at least interject at least one or two empathetic questions/comments. I may not be able to stay on track with them but I keep trying
It's okay to be human. I mess up too!
Just started watching your videos and love them. Where do I begin with a young adult child who is not willing to quit and says I can stop anytime I want?
Hi Kim, Welcome to our little community. So glad you're here. This is a link to my playlist on dealing with Denial: th-cam.com/video/goDCrmahx-c/w-d-xo.html
And here's a link to learn more about my online course called the Invisible Intervention: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/invisible-intervention
Hi love your content! I have a drug and alcohol abuse partner, he was on drugs lost his mind for 3 days he doesn’t remember a thing what he did, he was breaking up with me … almost said every day. Now he is back, he is going to rehab, and still plan our future. I already find rentals to move out during his crazy time. But now I’m hesitating to move out. Should I stay and help him or leave but still be in a relationship with him…
"Run, run and keep running away." Forest Gump
My girlfriend doesn't want to quit....she loves it n i am soon out of that nowhere going relationship
If she loves whatever drug it is, then sounds like it's time you leave.
My son (45)has been addict for 20+years to hard drugs and alcohol, works hard every day. He recently switched from methadone clinic to suboxone with my encouragement. I asked him to go on the injection or implant and he says he’s not ready for that yet. I let him know I’m aware he can “cheat” just taking the pills. He says rehab doesn’t work for him ( he’s been several times). My question: should I continue to suggest suboxone implant ?? Or wait until he brings up the subject?
Wait until he seems open to making a change.
This 'educator' is deeply codependent and is more than a little defensive about it. When she does, someone else's life will flash before her eyes.
Trying to work on my reactions but have so much anger and I took all his bank cards and started driving him to AA as didn't trust him in his car. Do I stop doing these? He does want to stop and doesn't disagree with me controlling these aspects but still think he has had a few slip ups since. Hard to trust after catching him lieing so many times xx
If he thinks these things are helpful (and he doesn't give you grief about it), then it's perfectly fine to help in this way.
@@PutTheShovelDown thanks so much for the reply, I hate feeling like I have to watch everything but I actually asked him tonight what he thought n he said to keep driving him which shocked me. Loving your videos, first thing I have found helpful and to give me some direction in trying to help. Thank you so much xx
CARD💬
Me to myself: remember 💭Card 💭 Card💬💬💬💬💬💬💬
Wtf do u no about alcoholism