The 3 KEY SIGNS That Relationship Will Last! (How To Find Love) | Lewis Howes & Jay Shetty
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 17 พ.ค. 2024
- Why do some people stay in a relationship? People stay because they are in love obviously - but sometimes people stay because it’s convenient and they don’t want to waste the time they’ve already spent with that person. But is this really what makes you stay?
In this episode of On Purpose, we get to listen to Jay’s conversation with Lewis Howe where they talk about whether someone can stay in a relationship with someone for a very long time.
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Key Takeaways:
00:00 Intro
02:46 Real love is different from the movies
05:13 Desire in relationships
06:50 The chase and pursuit
09:56 Why you don’t need to love one person for the rest of your life
11:14 The reason why people stay in a non-working relationship
11:56 Starting a relationship in therapy
13:16 Seeing life in seasons
14:05 Polyamorous relationships will not give you peace
18:37 Have a conversation about the relationship that you want
22:20 Relationships should be high engagement - low attachment
24:58 A long term relationship does not mean it’s a successful one
28:20 Life story vs. love story
30:18 Commitment
31:26 Stop bringing baggage into the relationship
33:21 What you can learn in a committed relationship
37:52 Removing sexual chemistry in the start of a relationship
42:12 Wanting to be in a relationship because you feel lonely
44:50 Learn what you want to do together
48:12 The different stages of relationships
50:26 Inner peace
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“Stop trying to find the right person; be the right person. Instead of being with someone who makes you happy, first be someone who makes you happy.” - Jay Shetty 💛
Beautiful
My values are connection and Peace
and then you run the risk of realizing you don't WANT anyone else....gasp
My values are spiritual connection, peace, and service.
ah huh
"If they're always with you, then they cant bring anything to you." this just changed a perception, thank you.
❤
Mine too
My parents were together for 66 years. I never saw them argue, or even disagree about anything. My father adored my mother and did everything for her until he died.
That's awesome
Beautiful 💙
how beautiful wow
🤔 hmmm then chances are he was probably most definitely cheating on her....I ain't knocking him tho, that's straight up OG Mac Daddy status for sure! 🎉
Make my day to read it.
“Are we growing together, are we thriving together, and are we learning from each other?” Love this because these are important elements to have in a relationship to me.
Remove sex, money and children..... if you can still be together, love each other and have some things in common without those, that means you have a real authentic true connection! The rest are just extra perks that makes things fun! 😉😉😉
True true true
❤❤
So basically a friend
In some things in common, do you mean like activities or can it just be ideas?? Sometimes it’s hard, in my opinion, for make and female to share favorite activity’s together..
That's a Platonic relationship not romantic one. Personally I don't see sex, kids or money as a perk.
My bf and I have conversations on every topic. We are both planners by nature and prefer full transparency. He recently shared that a few nights ago he was in the middle of his evening prayer and began crying tears of joy. He proceeded to list all the things he is receiving from me and our relationship and what warmed my heart the most is when he said peace. I give him peace. We are both faith filled and I responded that God will see us through this and everything happening within this relationship is all blessings from His plan. Obviously, it's a daily decision we make to ensure others respect our relationship. So I'm enjoying your conversation on various topics. Thank you both and keep moving forward.
I like that Peace given to a spouse is more important than anything.
when is he going to marry you?
I hope you're not giving him for free the wife/girlfriend experience (companionship, sex, houseekeping, emotional support)
This was so great. Would love to have the ladies (Rathi and Martha) included as well in the next episode to view their perspectives on topics such as this - to see how males and females look at values, relationships, etc differently/similarly. 💛
Yes!!!
P
Such a great idea !!!
Don't leave it to discussing your relationship ONCE a year! We have a weekly heart-to-heart-session - it seems like real work, which it is! But so worth it! We've only met in our early seventies, and believe in this practise so deeply.
The scheme: each one gets 30 minutes to talk about what he/she feels about the relaionship over the last 7 days (the listening partner is just listening, never commenting yet). Then it's " open commenting and discussion with open end".
So honest, conscious, connecting - simply so worth engaging in it regularly.
Try it with commitment - and you'll be reconnecting and nourishing your relationship.
It has become such an enriching habit we intend never to give up as it is so rewarding.
So wonderful to read your commitment practice to getting right what works for you both. Esp given youre in the mature end of life. Inspiring. Thank u.
@sylviareck-xy3kn ••• it is so awesome that you have been able to find a partner who is open to and willing to take the time to have such a conversation! That discussion is one that I would absolutely love to sit and have with my significant other on a regular basis but how would I even approach it? How did you accomplish this?
love this. will put this into practice too
“I’ve learned so much more being committed to one person than I think I would have being single for the last 10 years” I always had destination addiction, happiness is always in the next relationship, next job, next location and I finally decided to commit to a relationship for 3 years and the deep connection, growth and intimacy that brought even though it didn’t work out is something I will always be grateful for and we got to carry it into a beautiful friendship. Also I’m with someone now who even when it is hard or frustrating I just want to heal and repair it with him and rarely if ever find myself thinking it would be better with someone else.
some videos on YT say that there's only 1 sign but i definitely do not agree with them - they say only sex expereince . yes, i mean it's important but really the only sign? no! and i love those that say that and then just take their spanish fly enhancer and say it was their energy but actually wasn't as we know now after those drops
'I need to think about it' is many people's way to not talk about a subject and ignore it completely.
I was married happily for 50 years with the same person. We had to change and understand that we were different people as we grew up and had our children. We had to find each other again and fall in love all over again but with the same person. We had arguments and had difference of opinion but we worked things out.
He sadly died when he was 71 and now I’m seeing a person who we love spending time together going out but nothing too heavy we are spiritually aligned but not a full relationship
Thank you for sharing this
I like the high engagement, low attachment approach and checking in regularly to see if the relationship is going in a way where both people are happy or there's anything that could be improved. Super interesting and helpful. Thank you both ♥️
Getting such a wonderful person as our partner who loves without any expectations shedding tears for us we are the most blessed in our lives.
Yes. It is possible to have a long relationship with one person but it takes those two people to make it With Honor, respect, maturity, caring for the other as much as you care for yourself compassion, open-mindedness and expressing their passion to each other whenever possible.
I think it's important for people to express their feelings towards the other even if it is more than just a hug or kiss or the words I love you or any positive words that uplift your partner. Or giving them a thoughtful type of gift that is personal to them that you know that they like like, if it's mountain biking , a weekend at a crazy which they could do that. Or a new bike or something that's for their bike or clothing for them to wear while they're biking excetera but something thoughtful and personal for them that shows that you pay attention, that their needs are important to you. When you love someone you encourage the things that make them happy because when they're happy you are also happy what is that phrase their happiness is your happiness
Loved listening to you both. My marriage broke up after 24 yrs with a very messy & painful ending
Looking back I see my mistakes. I thought I could hold it together for both of us. Earlier we were mutually invested but for the latter years I knew my husband was not invested. It takes 2 wills. Mistake number 2 was that I didn't really hear him when he wanted out. I kept trying to convince him to stay. This destroyed my self esteem & really was not respectful to me or him.
In the end he totally sabotaged & killed our relationship so repair was not possible.
It really hurt & created more trauma to add too my childhood wounds of feeling unlovable & wanting my partner to heal with me. Here are my realisations 4 years later
Self respect & integrity are key to everything
Self love includes ALL parts of myself lovable or not lovable. I bring love & compassion to all parts but do my best to ACT from my most enlighten self
Wound healing takes time
Now I see that my husband was not as committed to openess & growth. He was spilling out his pain. That's where he was. I took it instead of setting boundaries so self betrayal.
Now I catch this in myself & am true to myself even if I may loose someone as a result
Those that stay stay because we are committed to growing together
Dating I'm very fussy. If I don't see we have potential for depth & integrity it's not for me
Meanwhile I have created a new & peaceful life. I'm building work that is fulfilling & heart centered helping others with their healing & spiritual journey.
I hope to write a book with the keys to wellness. That's still to come
My relationship with my grown up children has become healthier & deeper & I know my X & I are both commited to them.
I surround myself with loving supportive friends
I don't find myself fighting because there is so much more clarity & service to love. We can find our way without a fight. If a misunderstanding occurs there is quick repair so toxicity is very reduced.
All in all I'm so grateful for what I've learned from challenging or beautiful experiences in life & so grateful for these enlightening podcasts
Still have work to do overcoming my limited beliefs but now love & compassion leads the way not self hate
It is truly amazing that two men can actually be so self aware and have this amazing conversation about their love life! I am so grateful that you have this podcast and willingness to share and be vulnerable! I so agree that being in therapy first is such a rich idea shows that you are committed to yourself about being on the right path. It’s a time saver. So many truths being said tonight such as living your own life and then sharing life. You can’t bring anything new to the table/ relationship if you are always together! Great way to make things stale and stagnant if you don’t! So important for guys to have their night out with friends!
Hands down one of my favorite podcasts / vidoes on right now. I’ve gotten so much out of it, I’ve watched a couple times in pieces and shared with everyone. I love how natural it is and the advice is amazing.
It’s nice to get both ends of opinions / life experience too - he’s married for 10 years and you’re newly in a relationship so it’s cool to see the pros and “ cons “ of each.
Love love love love love this podcast with him in it!!!!!!! Fav ever
This conversation made me and my big sister had a 5 hours discussion. I think I learnt the whole wrong thing about relationships. And, this is a stepping stone for me. I am very grateful for this episode.
ok just try not to bl.ow up anything today : )
i enjoyed how real and vulnerable that you both are and you both know what you want in your life that serves you and what doesn't and you are not afraid to speak up and speak out. High engagement and low attachment was huge!
Loved this! I value: accountability, kindness, growth, loyalty and dun. I'm happily single and embody those traits and will remind single until I meet someone who shares those values ❤
Everything that was shared by both of you was a powerful insight within self and how we think successful relationships can last.. all by honoring self, giving your best and accepting your partner for who they are and bring to the relationship. I’ve heard it said many times that a couple are TWO individuals coming together as ONE. Listening to this podcast from two well known male individuals made it easier for me to understand how important that concept can jumpstart and continue a loving successful relationship for the long term. I even felt comfort in hearing that as time passes and your not in alignment and the relationship ends, that’s ok too because having self love is what keeps you going and the love you carry within yourself will attract the right person❤️. Thank you both. Great podcast!
This was soooo good ✨✨✨ such an amazingggggg amazing conversation feel like I’ll be watching this one a few times to digest the gems. Thankkkkkk youu both for letting us sit in on this conversation 💫
It is all about dealing with expectations. I love the "high engagement and low attachment". It encourages you to enjoy the moment and start loving yourself more. It is about learning to be true to yourself and have your own space. This creates more desire. I've been blessed to be in love twice. I do believe you are in a reason for a reason, a season, or forever and if you feel you can't grow more with each other... move on. Doing this it makes you try more and give your relationship the energy you need! Love is worth the time...Daily Affection, appreciation and appreciation ...Yes it works!
So many men that needs to listen to this and learn
So grateful to have watched it, I’ve been going through a bout of loneliness and before I went out with the same mindset I watched this. I’m still going out but now I won’t be looking for a “saving grace in every face” for self validation. Instead I’m going to enjoy being in my company and validate myself.
This was so refreshing to listen too!! Good or bad experiences, can shape us. But learning, developing on one’s self is a profound process. There is individuals out there, that do it, implement it and live it. Thank the lord.
Connection on a spiritual level is important and working on your relationship together. Both of you will not be happy all the time or at the same time but being with each other is just wholesome.
Love this so much. I'm excited for more podcasts like this. This has definitely made me think more and want to work on my relationship more than ever. Thank you guys, you are both amazing.
Being a new youtuber i would love to say you both are really creating bright and responsible future generations through both your podcast
Spreading positivity love and happiness
Being with one person for all your life is a beautiful thing as you grow and learn with all the imperfections which ultimately help the love to be unconditional. Also the alone time for each partner is a big part of keeping the bond and the love together. I totally enjoyed your podcast. It was filling and real. Thank you
This session was just absolutely amazing!! Pls post more of these 🙏🏻❤️
Yes!
Thank you guys for being open and candid about your journeys.
I would like you guys to discuss your journeys to self love and/or discovery, ie: was there a low or a rock bottom when you realized you needed or wanted another way of life? Thanks again!
I have dated a lot in my life and learned if a man isn’t on the path like this video I’m not even considering them. This is how a healthy relationship should look; talking about all these things.
I do think if your standards are high choices will be slim and just know it’s better than being unhappy with someone who isn’t open to talks and a healthy relationship. Focus on yourself and heal and be who you want to attract. I think everyone should watch this video! Love you guys thank you! Great advice! ❤
My ex-husband and I are very different. We divorced and never stayed apart. After 18 months, we are back together and have the plan to get married again. For sure, we are the love of each others lives, but we have had difficulties and hope we can learn techniques to address differences in a better way. I work hard on myself and meditate a lot, which I find extremely helpful
Yes It did just got dumped from a 2 and a half year relationship and realizing how much we both have to grow and focus on each other’s personal and career paths before we are able to really give each other the attention we both wanted. She was a little needy and needed a lot of affection and love but I truly gave her my all. I know it’s not about the could’ve it’s about me being able to learn from it and truly understand myself.
I needed all of this. Inner validation, independence and commitment can happen in a long relationship. Thankful for this type of relationship with my husband of 18 years, 22 together
Absolutely loved this video. You went, thank you!
How awesome to have two insightful men speaking on relationships and going deep! More men need to hear this! Love this! Namaste! 💕🙏💕
Totally enjoyed listening to you both and thank you for deepening my views ❤❤ Peace and Purpose guys
Yes!!! Growing together and growing alone is key! My bf and I are both doing this. Your videos have helped me look at life and relationships differently with perspectives I didn’t think of. Thank you!
Yesssss... figuring out your purpose... knowing what you value... foundation to a great relationship for yourself and for your partner. ✌️
This was me this morning on a text while listening: “I just listened to this podcast in the sauna and was like I have to pause my sauna…I HAVE TO SEND IT TO ALL MY FRIENDS". We are 20 years into our marriage with hubby thinking all we went through almost calling it quits. But after all our marriage is growing, learning and thriving! We are now helping other marriages.
I texted to all my friends and posted on all my social media. I loved it all…well done guys! More please!
Growing, thriving, learning together! Beautiful!
Communication is the key.. talking and telling your intentions and knowing the other person about the same on a regular basis. And both trying to align with each other.
Growing together learning together.Having absurd and awkward conversations including conscious conversation. Keeping curiosity open to know and grow more.
Love the way Jay explains with so much detail. Thank u guys for another great conversation.❤️❤️❤️
Thank you guys… I am just healing from a breakup and I really learnt a lot from the conversation
This was such a great great convo!👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 I learned so much! Thank you both so much for doing this!
Yes!!! This by far is one of the best conversation I've heard in a long time. I'm so glad two men are talking about this. Totally worth listening to the full interview.
I appreciate your honest sharing as you encourage growth. Your humanistic and authentic approach is what makes your words so powerful and moving.
Values guiding our life choices are what keeps us grounded and provide us with our North star, we can always return to.
Thank you
Namaste
Even at 57 gentlemen.... even at 57. Incredible conversation and after 32 1/2 years of marriage this stuff is scary... but so worth pursuing.
"Take myself out on a date!! Love that!☀️🦋🌿and "self-validate" thank you both ☺️👍🥰🙏
really enjoyed this video. Thank you!
'Growing with, Thriving with and learning from each other' is my take home !!!
Great awkward, insightful, funny conversation! 💞 I’m a little, a lot, further down the road and on the journey but would love for you guys to have this conversation again in a decade or two to hear what wisdom you’ve gained along the way!! 🤗
I love to hear both of you 😊 Thank you for sharing ❤️❤️❤️ Love, Honesty, Loyalty, Authentic with ourselves and with our loves ones
Not awkward 🤣 as u've phrased it, it's actually very inspiring. What has caught my attention is that we should always not only focus on issues like intimacy, peace etc in a relationship but look at it beyond the two partners. Great 😃
YES
Thank you both for an wonderful interview🙏🏾
Awesome episode! Loved the ‘more engagement less attachment’ and ‘life story versus love story’ bit!
I absolutely LOVE this episode!!
Great talk addressing ALL important points in a relationship- Thank you both - One of my favorites!!👌🙏💕
This is an amazing conversation that helps me out so much. I always needed validation for things I was feeling or things I wanted to do. Not just with my partner but with my parents as well. Learning this is such a blessing, and I agree that being with one person allows for exponential growth rather than if I was to be with a couple people. Thanks for this conversation!
Yes Thank you. My values are kindness, joy, love, adventure, growth
I lost the love of my life 5 years ago and I have been learning ways to move forward. Yesterday, I learned from a friend about the Chinese philosophy that we have several soul mates in our life. This discussion about friendship and commitment is intriguing to me. I'm good at long-term relationships. I've led a life of synchronicity, but I am looking more at knowing what the "Me" wants in my life. Love the discussion!
Values are everything. Peace, soothing peace, respect, history, connection that’s me.
Yes! ❤🤩💫 Thank You both for sharing this valuable discussion !
I am absolutely pumped with this conversation because it resonates so deeply with my way of life, thoughts, values and purpose
Yes, I enjoy the honesty. And the journey of healing and growth
Very true. When you away by chance when ger back together you will more appreciate. We all need our own space, need a break from each other.
yesss !! my value in relationships in this time is to explore, grow, nourish , and embody weather that be in love for ourselves for eachother and or in community !!
its cultivating this peace and serenity in love for everything that we get to experience ! individually and in unity !!
Yessss. Need more of these Jay and Lewis. How you shd be open to understand the nuances of relationship is something that striked me and made me rethink on how I was making decisions when I made them.. I appreciate Lewis and Jay being vulnerable on this epiosde.
I'd love to hear, what kind of conversations you have when it comes to deciding kids in a relationship..
Once again, thank you bros.. You made a huge impact in my life through this attempt and I'm not exaggerating it, I 300% mean it.
You guys are my soul family. I adore and value exactly where you are 🙏🏼
YES! Absolutely! I have so many notes! This kind of conversation is so needed. TY!
Thank you Jay and Lewis, this popped up just in time for me to see as I'm going through a divorce right now. Such an important conversation and I love how open you guys were about it! Definitely two of my top values are freedom and peace (a sense of peace) especially after getting out of this very stressful, harsh, abusive and un-peaceful marriage. Despite all the bad things in our relationship, I was still hesitant to make the decision to leave as I told myself "I made this commitment to be MARRIED to this person!" but of course at some point you realize (and I had to on a divine/spiritual level as well) that doesn't matter and things can't be fixed. Even though I don't necessarily want to be single and face an uncertain future, especially in my mid-30s, I would rather have the peace and harmony in my life away from this individual and be happy.
High engagement low attachment…I actually finally stepped into a relationship with that mindset and wondered if I was off, yet it feels so right. Great confirmation!
This was a great show. You asked good questions, for us to ponder and consider. 👍🏽
Love the way this conversation is starting
This conversation is so good! I've watched several times and have shared with at least 10 people!
That someone is Myself to grow thrive learn consciously joyfully and peacefully I am a 79 year old widow for the past 10 years make a daily inventory of how I live with self compassion towards myself and others. I have shared your podcast gentlemen with my children and many others. Bravo to both of you and your partners ✌️😍🙏🏻
God bless you.
I really appreciate the honest and open conversation. I have really learnt alot on merging purpose and life time choices, and introducing therapy session with the other person from the start before journey into a relationship with them.
Thanks so much ❤
Yes! I wish I’d had something like this to learn from when I was much younger. Now in my 70’s I finally am valuing myself
I love ❤️ that you guys nut out these topics and give us opportunities to learn and grow from our hearts Thank you
My values right now for relationship: peace, expansion, growth
Thanks guys, brilliant conversation. I have been single for many years now, and only recently, did my best friend ask....are you lonely? My response was so easily answered, "no". I love my life, although the current conditions are extremely challenging. Regardless of all that I have lost, I absolutely love my life. In saying this, because I love all that I have(internally) sharing it with the right person would be blissful. Lewis, you hit it on the head.....each individual should have their own lives, passions, goals,and then come home to share. I would say that my current value is simple it's love. Love, compassion, and all aspects of health. Mind, body and spirit. ❤
I'm not lonely. I just want to have a lovely husband that i can hug and kiss
Damn...you must have one hell of a sex toy collection 🤭🫣🤯
I watched this podcast three times in a row to make sure I understand everything ❤️
I enjoyed this so much! Y’all are killing it
Thank God he has given y’all bad ass wisdom
Love the idea of thinking about if we want to do another year and not for the rest of our life !
Takes so much pressure of when trying to meet the ‘right’ person
thank you for sharing this powerful conversation and your perspective.
Loved the conversation....esp the comment ... chatting about the ur aim of starting the relationship...where ur at...a sense of direction as to what you are looking for in a relationship better for both parties...
this video is a masterpiece! thank you for those opened and honest words, you just answered exactly what i needed in perfect moment.❤
You both should have this conversation again, it's beautiful, especially for couples
Wow what an amazing listen thank u for the knowledge 🙏🏾
I love watching these two together
I loved this so much. I particularly loved what Jay said about it not being about promises, but the ability and choice to continue checking in with and sharing what is present and alive within each other throughout time. So much can change in a short period of time (a month, a week, even a day or moment), so the ability to continue to grow together by having real authentic conversations is what keeps relationships strong. I have to speak to the importance of having HARD conversations being a culprit to the strength of a relationship (the harder the workout, the more the muscle is worked, the stronger it becomes).
What I value most in my relationships right now is authenticity, transparency, intimacy and light-heartedness. I also like it deep. I don't prefer shallow with those I choose to be close with. I find shallow conversations to be boring. I think sharing in depth with each other builds trust and a container in which to solidly build on and from.
Great Team! Listen, observe and interact with open heart and curious mind.
I enjoy watching the two of you together more than any other podcasts you put together.
You two remind me of spiritual brothers and you two understand each other on a different level. Sending hugs 🧡🧡
Thank you both for your commitment to helping people expand their competence in relationship! I ALWAYS learn so much from you both and I loved the back and forth. My biggest take homes today: check ins (is this relationship working for you?), you have to be growing yourself to bring something back to the relationship, sex gives you a false sense of closeness/try getting to know someone without it first. Thank you!!
This was great, not awkward, people especially men need to feel more comfortable to talk about these things... thankyou for sharing your experiences openly!
Yesssss!!! Such a powerful conversation!!! It's always a pleasure to hear you guys share your thoughts and experiences. Look forward to more versions of this "awkward conversations"! Love the way you unpack each and every emotion/thought and move towards the ultimate goal! I have always been a firm believer of falling in love with the same person over and over again, sharing experiences together and most of my friends make fun of that(they call me old school!). It's so refreshing to hear you guys speak!!! Thank you so so much!!! Kudos to you!!!!😊😊😊😊
Yes! Enjoyed this very much
Loved it!! Thank you so much ❤️