Self centred people can change and can improve themselves, narcissists can't because in their mind they are perfect and don't need to change. I dated a girl who was incredibly narcissistic, at first the relationship felt great but then the manipulative personality kicked in, she had me at the point where I would do anything for her and when I spoke to her about it she just laughed and carried on. I put a lot into the relationship and she'd just go around flirting with other guys and cheating on me while using me to get whatever she wanted. Best thing I ever did was get the hell out, I couldn't be happier now
Words tell you who a person want to be but their actions show you who they are. To see someone treat anyone in service in a low form, shows you exactly who they are.
3:34 Don't forget that some narcissist will be aware that they need to fake empathy - they often copy somebody else directly & you might even hear somebody else's words come out of their mouth. .e.g. 'That must have been so hard for her' - this is easily transferrable person to person & is not bespoke or particular to the suspected narcissists character.
I wouldn't give it a try with a selfcenter person. That's also a difficult persona. I don't want to give my energie on difficult people anymore. I always did but it left me empty.
Yes, but a very transparent individual though. What you see is what you get. This is similar to the model of overt/grandiose narcissism. The covert doormat narcissist is the most dangerous one in my opinion (wolf in sheep's clothing)
my whole life has been about others, it was the only way to feel needed. I just want to be me and not feel like I have to do......do.......do.....to get any love attention. I was a severe CO dependent. I'm trying to change it!
I have a tendency to think about other people's needs before I set out to fulfill my own. Unfortunately, this is noticed, and I think sometimes people take advantage of that because it sets me up to have others who feel that their needs to come first all the time to use that as a guilt trip so that I feel guilty for doing anything that solely benefits me. It gets really confused, and the boundaries are really unclear.
This is fascinating. It all describes my husband except the first in line part. He does the opposite- he purposely slows down, parks far away, and does many other deliberate moves to slow people down. He never walks with anyone. Always in front or behind, but usually behind. Household tasks are always performed at his pace unless it’s a task he assigns to someone else. Then it need to be done asap.
Oddly, I believe I was at one point a codependent, but I believe I oscillate between grasping for the other person, and being very self-centered. I am also a perfectionist, so my understanding of myself might not be the most compassionate, yet. As a prior co-dependent, I sometimes feel I have to "fight" as you used the word earlier, to respect myself and my emotions and opinions. Therefore, sometimes I can become very cold and "self-centered" in conversation even when the other person is making no sign of trying to criticize or change me. All this self-awareness is amazing - I am so grateful. Thank you for your voice in the area of relationships and your emphasis on self-empowerment and self-love! I also appreciate that you mention how self-centeredness can be related to childhood influences - I totally agree. Blessings.
I have a husband who is getting worse and worse in some areas,when we a with other people,visiting etc..he takes over all the conversation,he will talk for four hours,no break in between,I have actually had to say..stop!..I want to say something..and then of course he gets angry and says you make me ridiculous in front of people.I have told him one million times when we leave,sit back in your chair,relax,listen to others,dont sit on the edge of your chair hunched over as if going into battle.Conversation is an art,everybody says a bit,no one person must dominate and talk for too long,he is not really listening to others if they manage to speak he is always on edge to get back the control of the conversation.Its so bad now that I shall start to sit away from the group so they may sit with me for a bit and we can have normal 2 or 3 way talk.Thankyou for this insight Terry,it was great,the thing I must say is that many people love to be around others who never stop talking/promoting themselves,they get the invites to return,they are adored by so many....mysterious?
I am self centered empath, because i dont waste my energy on people who dont deserve it. I show my sympathy to all people who are beaten by life but who got everything by life or arrogant or not having humility, I dont care about them.
I’ve been described recently as self centred, and I think that is probably because I’ve been very anxious and depressed and have suffered a very painful bereavement. So that has resulted in 2 things - 1) during conversations I get nervous and I fill the gaps with me me me talk. And 2) I feel like I need to offload a lot. But I’d like to get better and I think just forcing myself just to listen might be good for me. Also more relaxing. At the very least I’ll try a week a month or something like that. Mindfulness meditation helps as it calms my mind.
I'm glad to hear the meditation is helping you. You might also try journaling if you feel like you have to offload. You can write as much as you need to get it all out. I'm sorry for your loss.
Great comparison. My mother and sibling(she is a therapist) is a true Narc. Thank you for this. I needed to hear this. Plus this is helping me not be self centered. You are correct. I will do what you suggest. Again, Thank you.
I am okay when it come with letting people be first and being nice to people, but I talk about myself alot. I'm going to work on that. Thanks so much for the ideas
I questioned myself rather I’m a self centered person and this clears it up a lot. I tend to have an itch to talk when someone else is sharing and other times I have no desire to talk but to listen. Reflecting back to when this happens is when I can sense an intuition of the other person when interacting. Dating for instance, I can feel when I’ve came across some who genuinely wants to get to know me vs the goal to get to 3rd base. I tend to step up by sharing more of me so intentions could be matched. Not sure if I’m making sense. Ultimately I know I’m not as self centered as I thought 🙂 You share very good insight. Thank you so much
I found myself self centered in one category and in one category a narcissist. I want to be better. Thank you for this video, it is helping to raise my self awareness
My ex narc told me after many years of gas lighting, and covert abuse, I finally got what was happening and confronted him cause I thought he was able to have conversations, he told me it was his mission, like to awaken people, in the end I could never get closure with this person, well I did, but I had to get it alone.
Glad to have come across this video. Been checking out narcissism for a few nights on you-tube after suspecting someone i know of being one, and then I started wondering if nearly everyone i know as being narcissistic, including myself in the past, for i saw something in nearly all of them that showed signs of narcissism. This video has cleared it up heaps for me. Been putting others needs before mine for a while now and it is a far better way to live, sometimes there are no words to describe it, so peaceful and empty without that demanding needy self. Thanks
my ex cheated multiple times during the relationship, thx for giving the important clue between selfish people and narc's (including the love bomb stage, and suddenly cheats)
I used to stay silent and only talk when I was asked to. People thought I was miserable. And I felt like I could express myself. People offered hugs to me because they felt bad, but when I asked for one they would be terrified. I'm confused, people say I should trust more often and talk about how I feel. But when I didn't that people think I'm rude now. I'm rude either way, I don't understand.
I enjoyed this a lot. When I was young (20s) I was self centered. My self centeredness not due to thinking I was better or more important it was due to a neediness I had. I was in pain so talking about myself helped. I am so happy I have outgrown it see things differently. Now I LOVE To ask people about their day and what is going on in their lives and hear their stories and be the listener. I absolutely love it and it's kind of a gift to them AND me as it takes focus away from myself which is a relief.I have come since realized that talking about my problems doesn't necessarily help and almost better to just be quiet sometimes. Having said that I now have to deal with self centered people (all around my age late 40s and 50s) and now I know what it's like to be on the receiving end. It's not fun. I've come across a self centered (maybe narcissist ) man who never asked about me or my life just wanted me to listen and support him. He never wanted to give anything back. Truly unbalanced. But also this holiday season I got a "holiday greeting" from a self centered woman in her early 60s which ended up being a post card of the senders pics of herself and her thru ought the year. It was all about her and her life. I didn't feel any warmth from that postcard or any true well wishes. I can forgive her somewhat because I think she needs attention and thus the reason she does it. When I wish someone Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays I really try to send love their way. This post card was devoid of that. It leaves you feeling empty and not caring about the other person. Anyways I am SO GLAD I am no longer self centered and am different now. Hopefully won't send grief for others.
I want to comment about those who feel "better" than others. I never had that feeling ever thank God. However I have two siblings who feel they are better due to "status". It's so ugly. In my work I meet many working class people and I never have thought I was better than them in anyway. Status in nothing. Character is everything. I've met people who are better as people than me yet were lower "status". I recognize they have more virtue than me! Those who look down on others due to status are just ignorant and probably trying to boost their self esteem as my siblings are. They will learn someday.
There are also those individuals who are self-centered borderline narcissists. I think like most things when dealing with psychology and behaviors there can be varying degrees.
So...a narcissist doesn't care. Maybe my dad ISN'T a narcissist? I don't know now. Sometimes he cares. He gets remorseful...of course his remorse becomes all about HIM and how bad HE feels, once again forgetting about the other person. Then the conversation becomes about how he needs you to comfort him. I think he cares...somewhere in there. But it's always drowned out by "ME ME ME!"
I definitely can say I believe we can all be self-centred at times in varying degrees especially if we are struggling in some way. It's very hard to have the mental capacity available to listen to someone else when you are already so full on your end.. if you haven't felt seen or heard growing up it can cause one to be self-centred, to talk excessively but I will offer that I validate the difference between self-centred vs narcissist. The self-centred person is open to hearing how their behavior is negatively affecting others whereas the narc would get defensive, possibly shaming, blaming and becoming hostile or just fully walking out in anger.. obviously the way the message is communicated makes a difference as well. The true test is when you confront someone, that is the defining moment. It is all revealed in that encounter.
Narcissist have empathy they just can turn it on and off at will depending or not if it benefits them. They also love to use empathy as a weapon against others.
NO this is not true. They aren't sociopatic, people who actually cannot empathize biochemically, so maybe that's what you're confusing this with, but NARCS actually do not have control over using empathy. They have it, though science is showing the part of the brain, the mirror neurons, are of lower or lesser quality than "normal" brains. As well as NARCS will instinctively, not consciously, suppress any empathy they do have in order to self-protect against the "threat" which is all of life to them.
One aspect to consider, about this "waiting to talk" phenomenon, is to consider the effects of A.D.D/A.D.H.D. on this. For example, when I am having a conversation with someone, and something they say reminds me of something similar that I wish to share, I have to keep thinking about what I want to share or I will forget it. This rumination, and attempts to not forget what I wanted to say, takes all of my mental power and I simply cannot "listen" to what the other person is saying. My mom and my brother have this problem also and have discussed/agreed on this. Beyond that, perhaps I am self-centered. I mean I often find people asking me if i'm married; if I have kids, etc. and I noticed that I will answer their questions but then I do not ask them if they are married, or if they have kids, because frankly I must not care. But i'm also empathetic and think of others often, and am a people pleaser... so, it's all confusing and chaotic.
Bruh U just described my life plus a bad temper I have. It's so chaotic. Like I'll feel bad when I realise I'm not listening or I've zoned out while someone was talking because I have a million things going on in my mind at once 😂 or I'll try listening so much I won't even be listening because I'm concentrating on trying to listen HAHA
Just be careful though, not all narcissists are the same. I am a malignant narcissist (with antisocial personality disorder traits) and I have a LACK of empathy, not an absence of empathy. There is cognitive empathy and affective empathy. I have little to no affective empathy. My cognitive empathy is above average... I have no true remorse, but I can be ashamed of my actions. Other than that, great video. I offer an insight into my disorder of NPD and ASPD.
I've met more self centered people with ideal families and siblings vs only children like myself. We badly desire family and connection, that many times we are used and taken for granted. I met narcs that are essentially spoiled by their coddling yet dysfunctional family.
The food thing happened to me. I tried to make him aware that he ate almost whole plate while I have barely started and I was left still being hungry and his reaction stunned me.. he started shouting at me that I am imagining things and that I am wrong and I should stop criticising him on every occasion (what?) and trying to control how much he eats (what??). Later he would go on rampages about how I am controlling his eating habits whenever I would make any comment about what is on his plate (even the "I don't like coriander" comment would be an attempt to control him in his eyes, and an offence, because I dared to have different preferences than him). The thing is.. I was so shocked by his reaction that I simply did not react to his fury. I just did not know what to do with it. It was so foreign to me that my brain simply ignored what just happened. It's as if I saw a huge pink elephant with 10 arms juggling fish aquariums and wearing a clown nose while riding an unicycle in the middle of the office. Now I get that he simply did not understand the meaning of "you ate my food and now I am hungry". To him it was "she doesn't like that I ate all the food - she must be trying to control me!". Oh my god.. where do those people come from?
YAY!!! I made it to the end but I come from being the middle child and trying to show people that I matter too and I think that's why I turned my conversations back to me as the self-centered but definitely looking to change that and put these steps into practice😁
This is exactly my boyfriend. I thought he was a narcissist because he had narcissistic traits like he always talks about wanting to be successful, rich and influential. He cares about his appearance a lot and takes a lot of selfies. He talks about himself a lot, but doesn't like to get into deep conversations regarding deeper emotions, but still opens up about his feelings sometimes. When I talk to talk to him about my feelings or problems, even though it seems like he's not listening, or he doesn't talk back much, which a lot of times pisses me off, but he remembers details of my stories. When I told him I feel like I am talking to myself because I think he's not listening, he says sorry, I am listening, I just don't know what to say, but I am here for you. He apologizes when he thinks he's wrong or when I tell him I don't like the way he's acting, he's thankful when I do good things for him, and he's admitted many times that he knows he's selfish and he will try to work on that because he wants to be a better person, for himself and for me. And he's made adjustments. He's still very stubborn and a work in progress, but he's definitely not a bad person. He loves, and he cares. That's why I kept convincing myself he's not a narc, because he does have insecurities and doesn't think he's better than everyone else, although he does want to be good at everything he does. He even told me he thinks he has NPD and wants to change but doesn't know how. But after watching this video I am relieved. You are absolutely right. Self centeredness definitely has a lot to do with upbringing. My bf grew up absolutely spoiled. His parents and big brother do everything for him. He's like their little prince. Even his mom said to me he's selfish because they spoil him too much, but he's changed a lot since he met me.
My fiance works overseas now and is always needing help of some nature. If I don't help he whines or gets upset. I am a very patient person and he is not...we all have issues I figure. He thinks I am the one with issues and he hasn't any. He said some things earlier today that are not acceptable to me on any level bc we are not married. I told him I am unhappy in this and he wants to know what I'm "yacking about". I told him goodnight. He can enjoy my silence. After I listened to you I realized I was settling for a big, arrogant, good looking and self absorbed bore! I'm gone and feel TRULY relieved.
I love u and ur videos. Thanku so so so much xxxxxx Im feelin rly down atm but just wanted u to know u just made me laugh...i just burst out laughing when u said 'not u over functioning Co dependants' lol. Ahhh love u fp xoxoxo
Clearly the narcissist is toxic; but a self-centered person can also be toxic to an empath. I am a highly sensitive person or empath but I have co-dependency issues and have a tendency to being self-centered being raised as an only child. Still working on healthy boundaries with friends who are so good at being energy vampires. It’s exhausting!
Great video. What if somebody is a bad listener, likes to ramble about herself at inappropriate times and doesnt know when to stop? Is she insecure, self centered or narcissistic? I teach this student, and i have a hard time with her. I feel like she doesnt learn because of this tension inside of her always. Shes very insecure yet she loves the sound of her voice. She thinks everyone is her friend just cause they listen to her a little bit. Im extremely patient and not giving up on her. What can i do to help?
I got cast as Chuck Cranston in Footloose. I should be self-centered and many other bad boy traits... so I'd just like to say...Great video! Thank you through my journey of compiling character traits more in depth. You've really helped !! :)
Self-Centered with Genuine Empathy can be Heroic as they Reciprocate Energy to those around them. They are truly Magnanimous. The rules apply to everyone, especially themselves. Narcissists are likewise Self-Centered but lack Genuine Empathy as they Feed Off your Energy to feed themselves. Their thinly veiled Magnanimity is revealed to be nothing more than Grandiosity. The rules apply to everyone else EXCEPT themselves.
Thank you Terri. I talk a lot and can struggle to let go in a conversation. I'm becoming much more aware of when I'm talking for long periods and whaffling on. Largely due to meditaion and observing myself and my inner voice, emotions, judging myself and others etc and how I'm interacting when with others. I get this probably from my mother and watched this video to understand more about if she's narcissistic or just self absorbed. Either way I do need to improve my listening and actually being present and responding with more questions to who is talking, so your advice really is helpful with this.
Thank you Terry Cole so you're beautiful video on people's behavior! You have helped me already more will I ever dreamed possible my boyfriend Darren is very controlling I don't know how the category or call our relationship it would seem that I always do wrong in his eyes what else to watch entire video I realize that I'm not always wrong :-) I appreciate that I appreciate you your words are full of encouragement to anyone willing to listen to your video thank you for your Insight yours enclosing Leanne
Hi Terry!! Awesome video, you break it down so well! I appreciate this! What about someone who will listen, but never gives any feedback, empathy or emotional support EVER.and when questioned or later on when angry will say in a vindictive almost threatening way.." I hear EVERYTHING.." I think I'm dealing with someone with Narc qualities, but not full on. I would appreciate your feedback.
Stella, Maybe just speaking straight and making a simple request that you would like to feel heard or empathized with in the moment when you are sharing with them and see what they say. If they say,"I hear EVERYTHING." in a threatening way perhaps you can say," I'm not sure what you mean by that or why you are using that aggressive tone of voice. I would really appreciate it if you would not. " I am not sure how they would respond but changing the communication dance might give you some clarity about what you are dealing with. I hope this was helpful. I am sending you good energy!
I want to be able to tell when to help and when to let god. When to speak up and be quiet. When to love someone right now or from a distance. When to give when to take.
Hi Terri. I completely agree with the active listening when someone is talking about something personal. But how would you handle a situation where someone is rehashing a frustrating (to them and me while listening) situation, for example with a tradesman. I find myself wanting to have conversations that are more connecting, and this does not do it for me. It feels like they are performing, by telling this story, and taking a lot of time telling it. And the active listening needs to be on both sides, not just one. How does one develop the skill of having more balanced conversations?
Hi Angela- I see you and feel you. I have two videos that might help. th-cam.com/video/jPgCS4Dosqk/w-d-xo.html - Always the listener & feel resentful because no one asks about you? Do this th-cam.com/video/DPIWbdY0Zm8/w-d-xo.html - Don't Get Sucked Into Conflict: 11 Tips to Handle Difficult People (which also covers complainers)
I watch this trying to find familiarity in what I didn't understand growing up but suspected, still I don't feel like I could be labelled an N. I feel like I am great at listening because kids told me. lol This little girl says to me, you really listen to kids hey. I've always felt like I listened because I never had that from my own Mother growing up and it causes a lot of pain. She listens like you said, till she gets information to reply to. Still nothing has changed with her. I'm curious to learn more about C-PTSD. When it comes to trauma, I think some of us can be self centred in going on about it to people or someone who will listen. Sometimes kind of stuck that way but I still take the time to listen regardless of how awful I'm feeling. I try to limit my venting. Can be hard when in pain. I try to think about how annoying it might be to hear that on the other person's side of it though. Sometimes it doesn't even matter if they respond. It's like I just need to tell someone. So they hear my story and I can feel less alone.
Hi Terri, I am not sure these characteristic really describe a self-centered person, because I also try to shift quickly sometimes through the queues or not always wait for the other person to start eating together, but I am an empath and co-dependent and usually my focus is external on the others. Another thing would be interesting...sometimes i have the feeling that the more a person is a victim, the more they become self-centered, because they do not trust others and are prone to manipulate to get the things for them...this is just an observation of mine..
I loved this video . I have one question, can a narcissist fake empathy just to feel better than the other? Like look at me I’m so perfect that everyone comes to me for advice, kinda thing?!
I've spent many night learning about codependency and trying to be less codependent. The example where the boyfriend eats the rest of the chicken, my recovering codependent brain says "its not my job to make sure people get what they want, there is chicken here, i want it, they have already had a serving, they are in charge of themselves, they could have gotten more too if that is what they wanted" I'm having a hard time finding balance.
That sounds like a healthy way of approaching it. You're right that it is not your job to make sure people get what they want - that is their side of the street. 💕 It can be difficult to find balance when you begin to recover because there is a tendency to overcorrect, so just know that is normal. You got this!
what if your are both narcissist and self centered and you want to change. I want to be more empathic but i just cant seem to be able to. I just don't know how to be uncolded my emotions towards others I just shut down i feel pain for myself and for others its like a blank stare. I was brought up in a hectic abusive family and this is what added to this personality. I might not be a true narcissist but i hate that I'm so cold toward other peoples feelings. I want to feel what they are feeling I just don't know how. Please help me. Maybe there is a book i can read to get a better understanding.
I am witnessing you with compassion, Jasmine. ❤️ In my opinion, if you were a true narcissist you would not be seeking to feel other people's feelings. I think the best place to start is working to heal your childhood wounds. The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk and The Truth Will Set You Free by Alice Miller are both good books on how to heal childhood trauma. ❤️
children of narcs can seem like they have "borderline narc disorder" ... i am assuming this may not be a real thing? but the kids are raised to communicate and perceive a certain way so that it looks and feels narc-y... would this be self-centeredness or more deep programming from birth which is a lot deeper and harder to work on?
My Narcissists really do believe their judgements of others are deserving of hurting you. As in altering your future by not telling you someone calls for you w a job offer or talking behind your back to others to ruin your reputation. Tripping you. Listening to you? Forget all of that! They never change. You will always look like the Jerk w them. They will make sure of THAT!
I think i might be a narcissist but i came here to change my ways. Hope it helps. I don't brag about my accomplishments but i do talk about my problems constantly because im upset about it. Im only 15 so i really don't know. Ok so i made it to the end so that's a relief but i feel like the music i listen to builds me a self-centered ego and i really need to get that fixed.
They certainly don't need to fit into any labels, Teresa. Insecure and abusive are broad terms and some people are interested in a deeper understanding of their (or other people's) dysfunction. Thanks for your comment, I'm glad you're here!
Years ago when I was in therapy, they didn't like the labels. However, one doesn't need to dwell on those labels, it will kill you. I just go into acceptance and try my damnedest to be AWARE of myself. It works !
Great question! About one third of the people with BPD also have NPD. Here is a great resource about it on Psych Central: www.bpdcentral.com/borderline-disorder/co-occurring-disorders/
Your voice and the way you carry yourself reminds me of a classic movie star from the 1950's.
A little like Lauren Bacall.
I’m 12
Totally!
Self centred people can change and can improve themselves, narcissists can't because in their mind they are perfect and don't need to change. I dated a girl who was incredibly narcissistic, at first the relationship felt great but then the manipulative personality kicked in, she had me at the point where I would do anything for her and when I spoke to her about it she just laughed and carried on. I put a lot into the relationship and she'd just go around flirting with other guys and cheating on me while using me to get whatever she wanted. Best thing I ever did was get the hell out, I couldn't be happier now
Words tell you who a person want to be but their actions show you who they are. To see someone treat anyone in service in a low form, shows you exactly who they are.
3:34 Don't forget that some narcissist will be aware that they need to fake empathy - they often copy somebody else directly & you might even hear somebody else's words come out of their mouth. .e.g. 'That must have been so hard for her' - this is easily transferrable person to person & is not bespoke or particular to the suspected narcissists character.
Totally TRUE! Thanks for sharing your insight here with us.
I just love your voice and the way you talk it's so soothing ❤!
Awwww thanks for saying so, Stefania! I'm so happy you're here xo
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM same
I wouldn't give it a try with a selfcenter person. That's also a difficult persona. I don't want to give my energie on difficult people anymore. I always did but it left me empty.
I feel you on that! #nothanks
Yes, but a very transparent individual though. What you see is what you get. This is similar to the model of overt/grandiose narcissism. The covert doormat narcissist is the most dangerous one in my opinion (wolf in sheep's clothing)
Yes, you can be centered on/love yourself while still loving and caring for others, too.
Indeed, you can Laura!
I can’t believe I’m getting all this great knowledge and advice for free! Thank you Terri. 🌺
You're very welcome Jill!! Happy to have you here.
my whole life has been about others, it was the only way to feel needed. I just want to be me and not feel like I have to do......do.......do.....to get any love attention. I was a severe CO dependent. I'm trying to change it!
I'm a self centered selfless person. So it's hard to decide what to practice and what not to practice.
Nicole,
I think we are all a little bit of both. How do you WANT to be?
No one is entirely selfless
I have a tendency to think about other people's needs before I set out to fulfill my own. Unfortunately, this is noticed, and I think sometimes people take advantage of that because it sets me up to have others who feel that their needs to come first all the time to use that as a guilt trip so that I feel guilty for doing anything that solely benefits me. It gets really confused, and the boundaries are really unclear.
This is fascinating. It all describes my husband except the first in line part. He does the opposite- he purposely slows down, parks far away, and does many other deliberate moves to slow people down. He never walks with anyone. Always in front or behind, but usually behind. Household tasks are always performed at his pace unless it’s a task he assigns to someone else. Then it need to be done asap.
Oddly, I believe I was at one point a codependent, but I believe I oscillate between grasping for the other person, and being very self-centered. I am also a perfectionist, so my understanding of myself might not be the most compassionate, yet. As a prior co-dependent, I sometimes feel I have to "fight" as you used the word earlier, to respect myself and my emotions and opinions. Therefore, sometimes I can become very cold and "self-centered" in conversation even when the other person is making no sign of trying to criticize or change me. All this self-awareness is amazing - I am so grateful. Thank you for your voice in the area of relationships and your emphasis on self-empowerment and self-love! I also appreciate that you mention how self-centeredness can be related to childhood influences - I totally agree. Blessings.
Thank you for your insightful comment, Breanna. xo
I have a husband who is getting worse and worse in some areas,when we a with other people,visiting etc..he takes over all the conversation,he will talk for four hours,no break in between,I have actually had to say..stop!..I want to say something..and then of course he gets angry and says you make me ridiculous in front of people.I have told him one million times when we leave,sit back in your chair,relax,listen to others,dont sit on the edge of your chair hunched over as if going into battle.Conversation is an art,everybody says a bit,no one person must dominate and talk for too long,he is not really listening to others if they manage to speak he is always on edge to get back the control of the conversation.Its so bad now that I shall start to sit away from the group so they may sit with me for a bit and we can have normal 2 or 3 way talk.Thankyou for this insight Terry,it was great,the thing I must say is that many people love to be around others who never stop talking/promoting themselves,they get the invites to return,they are adored by so many....mysterious?
i'm 25, investment banker and only child. man i felt this shit. Thank you x
You are so welcome, Eric. Thanks for being here with us!
helpful to get more understanding on this subject.
I am self centered empath, because i dont waste my energy on people who dont deserve it. I show my sympathy to all people who are beaten by life but who got everything by life or arrogant or not having humility, I dont care about them.
I’ve been described recently as self centred, and I think that is probably because I’ve been very anxious and depressed and have suffered a very painful bereavement. So that has resulted in 2 things - 1) during conversations I get nervous and I fill the gaps with me me me talk. And 2) I feel like I need to offload a lot. But I’d like to get better and I think just forcing myself just to listen might be good for me. Also more relaxing. At the very least I’ll try a week a month or something like that. Mindfulness meditation helps as it calms my mind.
I'm glad to hear the meditation is helping you. You might also try journaling if you feel like you have to offload. You can write as much as you need to get it all out. I'm sorry for your loss.
Great comparison. My mother and sibling(she is a therapist) is a true Narc. Thank you for this. I needed to hear this. Plus this is helping me not be self centered. You are correct. I will do what you suggest. Again, Thank you.
Denise,
You are so welcome. I am so happy you are on this journey with me xo
I am okay when it come with letting people be first and being nice to people, but I talk about myself alot. I'm going to work on that. Thanks so much for the ideas
Thank you. You are so real - I appreciate that.
❤️
I questioned myself rather I’m a self centered person and this clears it up a lot. I tend to have an itch to talk when someone else is sharing and other times I have no desire to talk but to listen. Reflecting back to when this happens is when I can sense an intuition of the other person when interacting. Dating for instance, I can feel when I’ve came across some who genuinely wants to get to know me vs the goal to get to 3rd base. I tend to step up by sharing more of me so intentions could be matched. Not sure if I’m making sense. Ultimately I know I’m not as self centered as I thought 🙂 You share very good insight. Thank you so much
I hear you and I appreciate you sharing. I'm glad the video resonated with you and you are looking at some of your own patterns.
I found myself self centered in one category and in one category a narcissist. I want to be better. Thank you for this video, it is helping to raise my self awareness
You are so welcome and I am sending you strength and compassion.
I must’ve missed the “categories”
My ex narc told me after many years of gas lighting, and covert abuse, I finally got what was happening and confronted him cause I thought he was able to have conversations, he told me it was his mission, like to awaken people, in the end I could never get closure with this person, well I did, but I had to get it alone.
Sounds like a narc. I am glad you are out of that relationship, Marcela. Time to heal and take care of you!
Glad to have come across this video. Been checking out narcissism for a few nights on you-tube after suspecting someone i know of being one, and then I started wondering if nearly everyone i know as being narcissistic, including myself in the past, for i saw something in nearly all of them that showed signs of narcissism. This video has cleared it up heaps for me.
Been putting others needs before mine for a while now and it is a far better way to live, sometimes there are no words to describe it, so peaceful and empty without that demanding needy self. Thanks
my ex cheated multiple times during the relationship, thx for giving the important clue between selfish people and narc's (including the love bomb stage, and suddenly cheats)
I used to stay silent and only talk when I was asked to. People thought I was miserable. And I felt like I could express myself. People offered hugs to me because they felt bad, but when I asked for one they would be terrified. I'm confused, people say I should trust more often and talk about how I feel. But when I didn't that people think I'm rude now. I'm rude either way, I don't understand.
My question is how does a relationship expert lose her relationship...
Excellent, well presented.
I enjoyed this a lot. When I was young (20s) I was self centered. My self centeredness not due to thinking I was better or more important it was due to a neediness I had. I was in pain so talking about myself helped. I am so happy I have outgrown it see things differently. Now I LOVE To ask people about their day and what is going on in their lives and hear their stories and be the listener. I absolutely love it and it's kind of a gift to them AND me as it takes focus away from myself which is a relief.I have come since realized that talking about my problems doesn't necessarily help and almost better to just be quiet sometimes. Having said that I now have to deal with self centered people (all around my age late 40s and 50s) and now I know what it's like to be on the receiving end. It's not fun. I've come across a self centered (maybe narcissist ) man who never asked about me or my life just wanted me to listen and support him. He never wanted to give anything back. Truly unbalanced. But also this holiday season I got a "holiday greeting" from a self centered woman in her early 60s which ended up being a post card of the senders pics of herself and her thru ought the year. It was all about her and her life. I didn't feel any warmth from that postcard or any true well wishes. I can forgive her somewhat because I think she needs attention and thus the reason she does it. When I wish someone Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays I really try to send love their way. This post card was devoid of that. It leaves you feeling empty and not caring about the other person. Anyways I am SO GLAD I am no longer self centered and am different now. Hopefully won't send grief for others.
I want to comment about those who feel "better" than others. I never had that feeling ever thank God. However I have two siblings who feel they are better due to "status". It's so ugly. In my work I meet many working class people and I never have thought I was better than them in anyway. Status in nothing. Character is everything. I've met people who are better as people than me yet were lower "status". I recognize they have more virtue than me! Those who look down on others due to status are just ignorant and probably trying to boost their self esteem as my siblings are. They will learn someday.
Thank you for sharing your story @@starcatcher5578 . Witnessing you and your journey.
!2 step program of AA has helped me to stay sober 11 years ; Self Centeredness and lack of Power is my dilemma
I'm cheering you on, congrats on 11 years sober
I think It's very difficult to balance empathy and self love. I always compromise one
You're Beautiful terri! Thank you for all your videos. 💃
There are also those individuals who are self-centered borderline narcissists. I think like most things when dealing with psychology and behaviors there can be varying degrees.
Agreed, Lina. Thanks for your comment and for being here.
So...a narcissist doesn't care. Maybe my dad ISN'T a narcissist? I don't know now. Sometimes he cares. He gets remorseful...of course his remorse becomes all about HIM and how bad HE feels, once again forgetting about the other person. Then the conversation becomes about how he needs you to comfort him. I think he cares...somewhere in there. But it's always drowned out by "ME ME ME!"
My father is the same way. I am watching videos like this to figure out how to deal with him.
I definitely can say I believe we can all be self-centred at times in varying degrees especially if we are struggling in some way. It's very hard to have the mental capacity available to listen to someone else when you are already so full on your end.. if you haven't felt seen or heard growing up it can cause one to be self-centred, to talk excessively but I will offer that I validate the difference between self-centred vs narcissist. The self-centred person is open to hearing how their behavior is negatively affecting others whereas the narc would get defensive, possibly shaming, blaming and becoming hostile or just fully walking out in anger.. obviously the way the message is communicated makes a difference as well. The true test is when you confront someone, that is the defining moment. It is all revealed in that encounter.
Narcissist have empathy they just can turn it on and off at will depending or not if it benefits them. They also love to use empathy as a weapon against others.
NO this is not true. They aren't sociopatic, people who actually cannot empathize biochemically, so maybe that's what you're confusing this with, but NARCS actually do not have control over using empathy. They have it, though science is showing the part of the brain, the mirror neurons, are of lower or lesser quality than "normal" brains. As well as NARCS will instinctively, not consciously, suppress any empathy they do have in order to self-protect against the "threat" which is all of life to them.
One aspect to consider, about this "waiting to talk" phenomenon, is to consider the effects of A.D.D/A.D.H.D. on this. For example, when I am having a conversation with someone, and something they say reminds me of something similar that I wish to share, I have to keep thinking about what I want to share or I will forget it. This rumination, and attempts to not forget what I wanted to say, takes all of my mental power and I simply cannot "listen" to what the other person is saying. My mom and my brother have this problem also and have discussed/agreed on this.
Beyond that, perhaps I am self-centered. I mean I often find people asking me if i'm married; if I have kids, etc. and I noticed that I will answer their questions but then I do not ask them if they are married, or if they have kids, because frankly I must not care.
But i'm also empathetic and think of others often, and am a people pleaser... so, it's all confusing and chaotic.
All the time
Bruh U just described my life plus a bad temper I have. It's so chaotic. Like I'll feel bad when I realise I'm not listening or I've zoned out while someone was talking because I have a million things going on in my mind at once 😂 or I'll try listening so much I won't even be listening because I'm concentrating on trying to listen HAHA
LOL I'm exactly the guy she described in the intro which is why I'm here
great video thank you!
Thank you for being here, Makayla! I appreciate you ❤️
Just be careful though, not all narcissists are the same. I am a malignant narcissist (with antisocial personality disorder traits) and I have a LACK of empathy, not an absence of empathy. There is cognitive empathy and affective empathy. I have little to no affective empathy. My cognitive empathy is above average... I have no true remorse, but I can be ashamed of my actions. Other than that, great video. I offer an insight into my disorder of NPD and ASPD.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Teri. Your work is a blessing s to millions and making the world a better place
I've met more self centered people with ideal families and siblings vs only children like myself. We badly desire family and connection, that many times we are used and taken for granted. I met narcs that are essentially spoiled by their coddling yet dysfunctional family.
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you! Your a Goddess! I am sick in bed watching this (a'meant to be moment) and I'm so grateful. Life changing information❤️
The food thing happened to me. I tried to make him aware that he ate almost whole plate while I have barely started and I was left still being hungry and his reaction stunned me.. he started shouting at me that I am imagining things and that I am wrong and I should stop criticising him on every occasion (what?) and trying to control how much he eats (what??). Later he would go on rampages about how I am controlling his eating habits whenever I would make any comment about what is on his plate (even the "I don't like coriander" comment would be an attempt to control him in his eyes, and an offence, because I dared to have different preferences than him).
The thing is.. I was so shocked by his reaction that I simply did not react to his fury. I just did not know what to do with it. It was so foreign to me that my brain simply ignored what just happened. It's as if I saw a huge pink elephant with 10 arms juggling fish aquariums and wearing a clown nose while riding an unicycle in the middle of the office. Now I get that he simply did not understand the meaning of "you ate my food and now I am hungry". To him it was "she doesn't like that I ate all the food - she must be trying to control me!". Oh my god.. where do those people come from?
hahahahaaha I appreciate your description! I am happy that relationship is in your rear view mirror ;) Thank for sharing here with us xo
monaami555 helll
monaami555 they come from hell
U broke up good if he comes back tell em go back to hell im12
Always love watching your videos ! So helpful with myself and others around!
Thanks pal! I am so happy you are here with me ;)
YAY!!! I made it to the end but I come from being the middle child and trying to show people that I matter too and I think that's why I turned my conversations back to me as the self-centered but definitely looking to change that and put these steps into practice😁
Thank you for sharing your experience!
This is exactly my boyfriend. I thought he was a narcissist because he had narcissistic traits like he always talks about wanting to be successful, rich and influential. He cares about his appearance a lot and takes a lot of selfies. He talks about himself a lot, but doesn't like to get into deep conversations regarding deeper emotions, but still opens up about his feelings sometimes. When I talk to talk to him about my feelings or problems, even though it seems like he's not listening, or he doesn't talk back much, which a lot of times pisses me off, but he remembers details of my stories. When I told him I feel like I am talking to myself because I think he's not listening, he says sorry, I am listening, I just don't know what to say, but I am here for you. He apologizes when he thinks he's wrong or when I tell him I don't like the way he's acting, he's thankful when I do good things for him, and he's admitted many times that he knows he's selfish and he will try to work on that because he wants to be a better person, for himself and for me. And he's made adjustments. He's still very stubborn and a work in progress, but he's definitely not a bad person. He loves, and he cares. That's why I kept convincing myself he's not a narc, because he does have insecurities and doesn't think he's better than everyone else, although he does want to be good at everything he does. He even told me he thinks he has NPD and wants to change but doesn't know how. But after watching this video I am relieved. You are absolutely right. Self centeredness definitely has a lot to do with upbringing. My bf grew up absolutely spoiled. His parents and big brother do everything for him. He's like their little prince. Even his mom said to me he's selfish because they spoil him too much, but he's changed a lot since he met me.
thank you for the help.
You are always so welcome! Thank you for being here with me ;)
My fiance works overseas now and is always needing help of some nature. If I don't help he whines or gets upset. I am a very patient person and he is not...we all have issues I figure. He thinks I am the one with issues and he hasn't any. He said some things earlier today that are not acceptable to me on any level bc we are not married. I told him I am unhappy in this and he wants to know what I'm "yacking about". I told him goodnight. He can enjoy my silence. After I listened to you I realized I was settling for a big, arrogant, good looking and self absorbed bore! I'm gone and feel TRULY relieved.
Good for you for standing up for yourself and for finding the relief you needed. I hear you and I am cheering you on. You matter!
Thank you for confirming my thoughts.
...and as always, you are wonderful! 💮🐝
Thank you lovely, Mireille ;)
I love u and ur videos. Thanku so so so much xxxxxx Im feelin rly down atm but just wanted u to know u just made me laugh...i just burst out laughing when u said 'not u over functioning Co dependants' lol. Ahhh love u fp xoxoxo
Being self-center and being a narcissist can be confusing and muddle, because there's different kinds of narcissist and spectrum.
Clearly the narcissist is toxic; but a self-centered person can also be toxic to an empath. I am a highly sensitive person or empath but I have co-dependency issues and have a tendency to being self-centered being raised as an only child. Still working on healthy boundaries with friends who are so good at being energy vampires. It’s exhausting!
It is definitely a process, I am cheering you on as you continue to establish healthy boundaries with the people that are toxic to you.
Great video. What if somebody is a bad listener, likes to ramble about herself at inappropriate times and doesnt know when to stop? Is she insecure, self centered or narcissistic? I teach this student, and i have a hard time with her. I feel like she doesnt learn because of this tension inside of her always. Shes very insecure yet she loves the sound of her voice. She thinks everyone is her friend just cause they listen to her a little bit. Im extremely patient and not giving up on her. What can i do to help?
I got cast as Chuck Cranston in Footloose. I should be self-centered and many other bad boy traits... so I'd just like to say...Great video! Thank you through my journey of compiling character traits more in depth. You've really helped !! :)
Self-Centered with Genuine Empathy can be Heroic as they Reciprocate Energy to those around them. They are truly Magnanimous. The rules apply to everyone, especially themselves.
Narcissists are likewise Self-Centered but lack Genuine Empathy as they Feed Off your Energy to feed themselves. Their thinly veiled Magnanimity is revealed to be nothing more than Grandiosity. The rules apply to everyone else EXCEPT themselves.
Thank you Terri. I talk a lot and can struggle to let go in a conversation.
I'm becoming much more aware of when I'm talking for long periods and whaffling on. Largely due to meditaion and observing myself and my inner voice, emotions, judging myself and others etc and how I'm interacting when with others.
I get this probably from my mother and watched this video to understand more about if she's narcissistic or just self absorbed.
Either way I do need to improve my listening and actually being present and responding with more questions to who is talking, so your advice really is helpful with this.
What a great observation. I'm witnessing you with compassion and holding space for your growth
@@terri_cole thanks that's a really nice reply. Have a nice day
Thank you Terry Cole so you're beautiful video on people's behavior! You have helped me already more will I ever dreamed possible my boyfriend Darren is very controlling I don't know how the category or call our relationship it would seem that I always do wrong in his eyes what else to watch entire video I realize that I'm not always wrong :-) I appreciate that I appreciate you your words are full of encouragement to anyone willing to listen to your video thank you for your Insight yours enclosing Leanne
You're amazing
🙌💛🌟
Hi Terry!! Awesome video, you break it down so well! I appreciate this! What about someone who will listen, but never gives any feedback, empathy or emotional support EVER.and when questioned or later on when angry will say in a vindictive almost threatening way.." I hear EVERYTHING.." I think I'm dealing with someone with Narc qualities, but not full on. I would appreciate your feedback.
Stella,
Maybe just speaking straight and making a simple request that you would like to feel heard or empathized with in the moment when you are sharing with them and see what they say. If they say,"I hear EVERYTHING." in a threatening way perhaps you can say," I'm not sure what you mean by that or why you are using that aggressive tone of voice. I would really appreciate it if you would not. " I am not sure how they would respond but changing the communication dance might give you some clarity about what you are dealing with. I hope this was helpful. I am sending you good energy!
bingo..... awesome clarification 👌
Thank you
I want to be able to tell when to help and when to let god. When to speak up and be quiet. When to love someone right now or from a distance. When to give when to take.
This was SO helpful! Thank you for sharing :)
You are very welcome! Thank YOU for watching. :)
I made it to the end but I got really pissed along the way 😂 guess there is hope I’m not just narcissistic
Hey
I dont know iff you will ever read this
But inknow some of my behaviors are self centered
Thanks for the video
I really wanna turn my life around
I am cheering you on 💕
Super pretty face😊
Narcissist do pretend to have remorse. They do say ‘sorry’ and act like they are concerned.
Hi Terri. I completely agree with the active listening when someone is talking about something personal. But how would you handle a situation where someone is rehashing a frustrating (to them and me while listening) situation, for example with a tradesman. I find myself wanting to have conversations that are more connecting, and this does not do it for me. It feels like they are performing, by telling this story, and taking a lot of time telling it. And the active listening needs to be on both sides, not just one. How does one develop the skill of having more balanced conversations?
Hi Angela- I see you and feel you. I have two videos that might help.
th-cam.com/video/jPgCS4Dosqk/w-d-xo.html - Always the listener & feel resentful because no one asks about you? Do this
th-cam.com/video/DPIWbdY0Zm8/w-d-xo.html - Don't Get Sucked Into Conflict: 11 Tips to Handle Difficult People (which also covers complainers)
Ty, very insightful
Interesting bc actually narcs are much more charismatic than self centerd ppl .it actually confusing who is who !!
True story, Sasha!
I love your voice
Great information. Thank you Terri.
anytime, beauty!
Awhile ago, I bought a tractor and my “friend” remarked, that could be useful for me not congratulations. Pretty much defines self-centered.
I watch this trying to find familiarity in what I didn't understand growing up but suspected, still I don't feel like I could be labelled an N. I feel like I am great at listening because kids told me. lol This little girl says to me, you really listen to kids hey. I've always felt like I listened because I never had that from my own Mother growing up and it causes a lot of pain. She listens like you said, till she gets information to reply to. Still nothing has changed with her. I'm curious to learn more about C-PTSD. When it comes to trauma, I think some of us can be self centred in going on about it to people or someone who will listen. Sometimes kind of stuck that way but I still take the time to listen regardless of how awful I'm feeling. I try to limit my venting. Can be hard when in pain. I try to think about how annoying it might be to hear that on the other person's side of it though. Sometimes it doesn't even matter if they respond. It's like I just need to tell someone. So they hear my story and I can feel less alone.
Hi Terri, I am not sure these characteristic really describe a self-centered person, because I also try to shift quickly sometimes through the queues or not always wait for the other person to start eating together, but I am an empath and co-dependent and usually my focus is external on the others. Another thing would be interesting...sometimes i have the feeling that the more a person is a victim, the more they become self-centered, because they do not trust others and are prone to manipulate to get the things for them...this is just an observation of mine..
Thank you for sharing your perspective!
I loved this video . I have one question, can a narcissist fake empathy just to feel better than the other? Like look at me I’m so perfect that everyone comes to me for advice, kinda thing?!
Absolutely!
I want people to get to know me for who I am, not for the gossip that spreads like poison.
Wonder what people THINK of you is NOT a habit to cultivate!!!
those of us with ADHD struggle to listen to people who are not entertaining our brain 😞. very hard
Very interesting and some really great observations however as a Christian I am extremely uncomfortable with a statue of Buddha in the background.
I've spent many night learning about codependency and trying to be less codependent. The example where the boyfriend eats the rest of the chicken, my recovering codependent brain says "its not my job to make sure people get what they want, there is chicken here, i want it, they have already had a serving, they are in charge of themselves, they could have gotten more too if that is what they wanted"
I'm having a hard time finding balance.
That sounds like a healthy way of approaching it. You're right that it is not your job to make sure people get what they want - that is their side of the street. 💕 It can be difficult to find balance when you begin to recover because there is a tendency to overcorrect, so just know that is normal. You got this!
Hi Terri are you experienced in dealing with empaths who have had relationships with narcissists?
That's me
I won't change 4 no1....
Hehe I'm an over functioning codependet. And I also let people pass first when driving, cause I think people deserve kindness.
Me too on both accounts ;) (although I might say I am a recovering over-functioning codependent lol!)
nr 4 make sense breaking the rules
what if your are both narcissist and self centered and you want to change. I want to be more empathic but i just cant seem to be able to. I just don't know how to be uncolded my emotions towards others I just shut down i feel pain for myself and for others its like a blank stare. I was brought up in a hectic abusive family and this is what added to this personality. I might not be a true narcissist but i hate that I'm so cold toward other peoples feelings. I want to feel what they are feeling I just don't know how. Please help me. Maybe there is a book i can read to get a better understanding.
I am witnessing you with compassion, Jasmine. ❤️ In my opinion, if you were a true narcissist you would not be seeking to feel other people's feelings. I think the best place to start is working to heal your childhood wounds. The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk and The Truth Will Set You Free by Alice Miller are both good books on how to heal childhood trauma. ❤️
children of narcs can seem like they have "borderline narc disorder" ... i am assuming this may not be a real thing? but the kids are raised to communicate and perceive a certain way so that it looks and feels narc-y... would this be self-centeredness or more deep programming from birth which is a lot deeper and harder to work on?
wrong...
the two are the same. no one should have to be taught "consideration".
empathy is genetic.
good one! what about a sociopath?
Don't worry Liza I'm getting there! Thank for your comment and input! xo
:) your videos are the best! you keep it real without going off the deep end. I thank you. 💝
I'm sick of listening people want to do the talking. THEY WON'T LET ME TALK!
Humans natural just focus on the negative things. Its a part of our instunct
My Narcissists really do believe their judgements of others are deserving of hurting you. As in altering your future by not telling you someone calls for you w a job offer or talking behind your back to others to ruin your reputation. Tripping you. Listening to you? Forget all of that! They never change. You will always look like the Jerk w them. They will make sure of THAT!
I think i might be a narcissist but i came here to change my ways. Hope it helps. I don't brag about my accomplishments but i do talk about my problems constantly because im upset about it. Im only 15 so i really don't know. Ok so i made it to the end so that's a relief but i feel like the music i listen to builds me a self-centered ego and i really need to get that fixed.
Quit listening to that rap bullshit then
Okay so there's narcissistic and then there's pretentious people so what's the difference
Why does someone have to fit in to all these labels? Why cant they just be insecure and abusive?
They certainly don't need to fit into any labels, Teresa. Insecure and abusive are broad terms and some people are interested in a deeper understanding of their (or other people's) dysfunction. Thanks for your comment, I'm glad you're here!
Years ago when I was in therapy, they didn't like the labels. However, one doesn't need to dwell on those labels, it will kill you. I just go into acceptance and try my damnedest to be AWARE of myself. It works !
Apparently I'm "self centred" because I enjoy living alone and take loads of selfies ,selfish holidays in the sun and Ice cream lol
Is it common for bipolar people to be narcissistic? I have a friend who is manic depressive and I was wondering if there is a relationship there.
Great question! About one third of the people with BPD also have NPD. Here is a great resource about it on Psych Central: www.bpdcentral.com/borderline-disorder/co-occurring-disorders/