What are your experiences with passive-aggressive comments? Make sure you download the free cheat sheet I mentioned in the episode here: www.terricole.com/passive-agressive-communication-cheatsheet/
I absolutely 'loathe' passive-aggressive people who communicate in sneaky and hideous ways. You can never have direct and honest communication with them like an adult. Communication to them means sarcasm, taunting, triangulation, gaslighting, etc. I 've been dealing with these sort of idiots since my childhood(my family has a bunch of crazy covert narcissists) and now at 33, I just don't have the patience to be gentle with these douchebags. I always give people 3 chances to back off and respect my space and my boundary. The fourth time they repeat their mistake, I unleash my repressed rage on them. If you ask me, habitual boundary bullies deserve public humiliation. They MUST be called out for their shitty ways in full public view. They are devils in disguise and there is no need to be polite to them.
I also get triggered by passive aggressive behavior. I had several people in my life that were passive aggressive. It is abuse and it took me awhile to figure that out. At this point I am not interested in being gentle. But I also don't want them to trigger me and get the upper hand any longer. It is difficult when it is coming from people you love and care for. I would like the skill to address it and call the person into account without making things worse.
Thanks for this video. I don't do passive aggressive shit after living and dealing with manipulative friends and family members for almost 30 years. I shouldn't have to feel like I'm walking on eggshells or feeling anxious and feeling like I have to psychoanalyze what the person is feeling all the time because they don't want to talk and be upfront and try to handle things like a grown-up. I'm not doing this shit anymore. Found you through Jayson Gaddis' podcast... you're doing some marvelous work.
I have noticed a lot of times, I didn’t realize someone’s behavior is passive aggressive until much later, sometimes, it takes several rounds of interactions for me to realize that person targeted me. What brought me to attention usually is a general strange feeling when I recall the interaction sometime later. Once I figured out that person picked on me, I would distance myself. But I have problem to catch the signs earlier on.
I think partly we do this because it's not in our nature to act in such a way, so the realization that others act this way is foreign and almost unimaginable to us..... so our brains don't automatically go there.....
Same here, I have delayed emotional response due to autism spectrum condition.Only being recently diagnosed I felt vulnerable and somehow inadequate, but even on autistic people don't expect negativity, it's easier to assume most people are civil and toxic people take us by surprise.
Because it's passive/subtle, if you will. Plus if you were raised by an individual/individuals that acted like this. You didn't realize that it was a toxic, unhealthy, and abnormal way of being.
"Questions the questioner's question." This is sound advice for uncomfortably personal conversations at work with people that we don't want to personally connect with. It gives the questioner a moment to rethink their question and kind of step away from this dance of aggression and helplessness. Really practical advice for work/life. Thank you Terri & yes I did listen to your podcast a few months ago - this was a good reminder.
I am a guy and I just want to say I really enjoy your videos. I watch them to better myself, my relationship with my wife and to model good behavior for my children. You are great!
I love your mature response. I love your clear, around the bar story telling style. I did not want it to end as I found myself hanging onto every word. Thank you.
Awesome & timely content Terri. I have one woman at work who likes to make snipers at me where no one else can over hear, then she beats a hasty retreat. She had me thinking I was just being petty until she pulled one of these stunts & there happened to be another coworker present. She made a very brisk exit that day. My coworker looked absolutely stunned & confused at the whole encounter. I looked back at her & asked "I'm not imagining any of that attitude am I?" I am lost with how to handle this woman & her sneak attacks. Help
Hi there WyldGypsyRose, thank you for sharing your story. I'm reminded of Kasia Urbaniak's work with verbal judo to keep yourself feeling in control. Have you tried asking her a question like "Why would you say that to me?" Or "I'm sensing some hostility, am I wrong?" I did a podcast interview with her here where you can learn more about her work: terricole.com/kasia-urbaniak/ Sending you strength, mama.
@@terri_cole I find that most other people are so much less self aware and messed up themselves that these reasonable questions you suggest can backfire. I have used both of your sample questions to try to deal with my feeling of walking on eggshells, and they cost me two very long friendships, until I apologized, when I really had nothing to apologize for except trying for real intimacy. I will never trust these people again as a result. Before you ask, I only apologized because these were a 20 and a 52 yr. long friendship and I am too old and too physically limited now to start over. The 52 yr. one was my BFF and it felt, and still feels, like I lost a sister.
It's so nice that you share personal details helpful to others!! I can't say anything negative about Vic because that's me!! Living with dominating part-time narcissist, I seem to drop my anchor and certainly not intentionally. Wow
Wow. That explains a lot. My ex-boyfriend used to show up late to my place a lot. I found it disrespectful of my time and told him so...which solved nothing. I also suggested that I got a sense he was angry when he'd come over, even though he acted upbeat and denied it. He was the type that sweeps everything under the rug and tries to be "happy" 100% of the time. Now I totally get it. (I also recognized times when I have not spoken my truth as well) Thanks for helping us figure some of this stuff out!
I dont always think someone being late is underlying passive aggression but more like superb poor time management, so i'd tell them 1 hr in advance to get them on time.
Good Sunday morning. This is my first time seeing this video. You are doing the lord's work. I can turn a room into a freezer with my energy. I definitely need to change this immediately while I can think objectively. I'm sooo happy you can conceptualize and explain this.
I hate being late, was always late but learning to get better. Lifetime of abuse causes a neural pathways of disregulation - it's like suddenly wearing a snorkel mask, being in a bubble, with visual impairment and chaotic thoughts screaming in your head - your hands don't work properly, you can't use logic or think straight and your heart races panicking "I'm going to be late BUT I've not done enough, don't look right, have forgotten something I or the children need..." this from a lifetime of being treated like we are "less than a nothing" no matter how much we do or cope with its never enough. The dread of the tirade of abuse on arrival eventually infiltrates every appointment we leave for. Lambs to the slaughter is all we've known - physically shaking as I type. We don't intend to be late we've been trained into conflict panic that disregulates us. Obv there are people who 'make you wait' that's a different animal. No contact from toxic abusers is the only way to begin healing and set new neural pathways for punctuality! ❤️🙏
I have a rule that if I hear “fine” or “nothing’s wrong” when I sincerely ask “What’s wrong?” I refuse to entertain or address the issue later when she finally decides to act like an adult and say what’s on her mind. Aaaaand, I’m twice divorced.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!! I’ve watched dozens of videos on this topic, and yours is THE BEST! I learned so much. My life will be changed thanks to your wisdom! Blessings to you!!!!!!!!!!
Problem with me is sometimes I don't react to these comments. Usually friends are angry for me. I tend to just shut down and not answer. I think I just don't see the point in investing in time on these people and how they feel doesn't really impact me. Most of the time, these people just has control issues where they want to force their ways on other people. I mean, if talking to them can change their behaviour, I maybe more willing to put in some effort. But from observing my mum, I can sense when people will just repeat that behaviour when you call them out. With people like these, I just don't bother. I don't know if I'm just too used to suppressing my needs and emotions, that sometimes I feel there are situations I should be angry about and yet I don't. And at the same time I don't want to pretend to, even though I know it is more healthy and me not acting out can cause alot of issues later on. Maybe it has to do with my childhood experience as my mum was like a drama queen and would make issues out of nothing. I just learnt to move away and shut down to stay safe.
I have just watched three of your passive aggressive vids. Thanks so much for this. I have worked really hard to rid MYSELF of passive aggressive behaviour and am not always successful, but find I am bombarded on a normal basis with other people´s passive aggressive behaviour! The last bit of this video has given me some practical ideas about how to approach someone with PA behaviour, to save time and feelings and so much more. Thank you a million times!
Another method in dealing with passive aggressive behavior is to simply ignore it. When they see their behavior is not having the intended effect they will either cease that particular behavior or be more aggressive to get their point across. Their level of aggression will rise to the point where they’ll be more blunt with their anger and just spit it out without the need for ineffective circuitous actions .
A few months back after getting into it with a coworker I found myself really struggling to even look in their direction and became passive aggressive for a few weeks, I now see that I was struggling to communicate my vulnerabilitiee around how her initial disrespect made me feel becasue it would require me to engage in conflict management which is something I am still learning. I wanted to say to her that just becasue she can't handle someone saying no to her doesn't mean that I have to allow her to speak to me in a disrespectful manner however those words never actually left my mouth (I even practised the conversation with a friend 😅) however going forward I want to be more comfortable handling conflict and letting myself be okay with stating my position without fear
When we start to set boundaries, it can be so difficult to voice them and respond to someone crossing them! You're basically learning a new language. It's great that you were able to recognize what was going on for you 💕 It sounds like your coworker is in the same position (if she couldn't handle your "no" right away), so perhaps you letting her know you're new at this and working on your communication will help her be more vulnerable, too. You could say something like, "I felt disrespected by the way you responded to my 'no,' and because I felt too vulnerable in the moment, I responded badly. It's been eating away at me and I want to apologize." Depending on the response, you can also make the request that she not speak to you that way again.
@@terri_cole thank you so much for responding, things are still not great between us but I want to clear the air for my own sanity and this is a great opportunity for to practice this new skill. It's a little nerve wracking but I'll power through it 😅
Yes. I'd also like to add that arriving earlier than required and leaving later than required(when there's no real reason for doing either of these two things) is a control tactic used by bosses to manipulate their subordinates in an office set-up. I saw my father do this a lot when he was 'the boss'.
I personally used to be late because I am inside my head all the time and lose track of time. I used to have trouble estimating the travel time. What I do now is I overestimate it and meditate to increase mindfulness. I am saying this to let you know that control is not everyone's motive.
Wow, you are an amazingly together woman. That roleplay-like example you did there near the end is literally my dream accomplishment. In all of life, seriously - if I ever get to the point of mastering what you just made seem so easy, I’d consider my life wholly a success.
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM I appreciate you reminding me of that. And I can see now how clear it must be in the way I speak about myself that it’s definitely not my immediate nature to view myself as someone who is capable or is strong enough to get there. Not many positive things, as I’m sure many here can relate to. That’s something at the top of the list I have to continue working on, but your channel has been so valuable to me the past few days I’ve tuned in (for the first time) and I am very grateful. Not many out there (and I’ve been watching multitudes for years) really resonate with me quite like yours does, so I can’t express more how much I appreciate you doing what you do.
Toxic work place - Terri, I work in health care... so I work with people. You also have such an experience. Could you, would you, please do a video specific about working in a difficult environment? This type of job is specific in that our clients/patients primarily need us and at the same time they are often full of emotions (normal emotions for their situations and they are full of that negative emotional energy). What is normal for the worker in a difficult environment? How to tell if its too toxic for me? while other people can stay there for years....?
u will have to learn to seperate your emotions from theirs. meaning they can feel the way they do..but that doesn't mean u have to neccessarily feel what they r feeling as well. i think a video on boundries, specifically emotional boundries might be helpful to u
I worked for over 20 years in a very hostile environment. I dreaded my coworkers and management more than the customers, it was like high school and I was harassed regularly. I was never late and very seldom missing workdays, but I didn't follow the crowd and that annoyed them. My health improved after I left that company.
Terry, first I want you to say thank you for being such a huge help to me and to many. Because of you, I am able to understand myself and understand others. The reason I'm reaching out is because there's an individual in my life that I'm struggling with. Their are so deep in their drug addiction, and it has drawn this person to the point of severe paranoia and makes a lot of indirect comments, and can make myself and everyone around this person very uncomfortable how am I supposed to react to this behavior. Oh, might I add that this person always clams that they study human behavior I feel like that's a scare tactic to make us feel like we should be worried I am at my wits end with this person I don't know what to do anymore
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ Is this individual someone you need to have close contact with? Is there any way to set boundaries around your level of contact with them? (For example, sticking only to phone conversations or just lessening the frequency of talking to them?) It may be helpful to journal about why you're looking to keep this person in your life. (Is it out of a sense of obligation?) If they're making you and others uncomfortable, you have a right to distance yourself from them or set the boundary that they need to get professional help before you engage with them again.
Literally me coming back to your channel every time I need some advice. And you know what… my husband has been counseling for 30 years but I try my best after 25 years to spare him with my drama at least here and there: 😂 thank you so much. This was incredible . I’m going to work on changing my part of the dance.
This video is so on point this is what I struggle with this daily because I have ADHD anger is an biggest trigger I'm trying to learn how to control my anger but it's difficult for me
What a great topic to address - real world useful, practical advice there. I had a friend who was ALWAYS late. Like, ridiculously so. We often went for walks together and one time she left me waiting in the woods for an hour and half with my bored daughter and my dogs desperate to go run. I can't believe I used to put up with it. I didn't address is as passive aggressive behaviour at the time but the next time I met her I gave her 15 minutes and then I went for the walk on my own. She stopped doing it after that.
I love, love, love that you decided to set the boundary of waiting for 15 minutes and then going for the walk on your own. Sounds like your friend got the message! That's exactly what I recommend doing- if anyone has a friend who is chronically late, tell them, "I'd appreciate a heads up the next time you're running late. If you don't give me one, I'll leave after X minutes." And then leave! You're right that you don't have to put up with it.
I like the way you think and express yourself! I would give almost anything to be more comfortable and direct with expressing my thoughts and feelings instead of either letting things build up, or trying to just let it go. I've never been good with confrontation. I'm a new subscriber to your channel.
I have a passive aggressive behavior co-worker, I thought I was to sensitive not realizing what my coworker was actually trying to..because she will never admit when she was mad and asking me what do mean.. This video is really helpful. Because I don't want to start doing the same
Wow! I love your videos I'm learning the ways to communicate because actually I m very poor at communication whether it's boundaries or what I have to share or show love. It's harder for me to communicate with anybody because my parents are also not a good communicator.
I see you 💕 I have a video about communication here: th-cam.com/video/6VzYVqHftew/w-d-xo.html It has a bit more of a professional slant to it, but you can still use these tips in everyday life.
Thank you for sharing your real life example of the lateness situation. That is so interesting and relatable. I love your boundaries book. Thank you for your vidoes - You are a blessing!
I have a passive aggressive person in my life. So, the cycle I’m in is this: my mom will look angry, and act disproving, it hurts my feelings deeply and I cry. She’s asks me if somethings wrong. I device on the spot whether to respond. I say, yes I’m mad about this. She then gets defensive. Well, that was a week ago!! (But she’s been doing this throughout my entire childhood.) so? My predicament is that when I do share my feelings, they get shut down and deflected. When I don’t, she wonders why I’m quiet or need space. It’s exhausting. It makes me feel dead inside, it makes me feel projected upon. I’m wondering what this means
I have a similar experience with my mom, who is narcissistic and emotionally needy to the point of being a black hole. She hurts me, gets defensive when I bring it up, then wonders why I can’t just act like nothing happened when it literally feels like she emotionally gut punched me. Thanks for sharing. I can relate and am working on becoming financially independent so I can get away from her hoovering/taker energy. What you wrote doesn’t mean anything! It means that your mom has character flaws that she needs to work on and that you need to get away asap if you are able
You could tell her that you don't feel safe answering her question because of how she acts when you're honest. If she still responds poorly and you no longer live at home put space between you for your own health.
@thelivingimpaired Your Mom is likely an emotionally dependent person with narcissistic behavior and you were clearly neglected and neglect is a severe form of psychological abuse-as well as, you being gas lit for years and never being allowed to have the issue resolved. This is crazy making. It's not your fault. And I'm sorry you had to go through all that.
Hey, thats progress right there. Good self reflection. Also that comment was passive agressive . Looks like we can all learn how to self reflect. The first step is the hardest. Good luck on your journey.❤@ArtemisSilverBow
This was the best advice on passive aggressive communication that I've heard so far. I'm grateful you made this video. I'm a newbie on your channel so I will be exploring it more. I do have one question though. I have been dealing with a passive aggressive loved one for about 4 years now. I'm very closed to this person, I care so much that it's their opinion that matters the most to me in any aspect of my life. They've had a very rough childhood though. They accepted it on their own that they were never taught to communicate their feelings and therefore, they prefer to stay silent or keep things to themselves. Well guess what, it turned them into this bitter person who's always making subtle comments about things which they hide under the label of "sarcasm". My question is: I have tried to communicate a lot with this person but everytime, I feel like they tell me I'm too aggressive and every conversation we have turns into a fight or argument so they rather not talk to me. Now they repeatedly tell me this and I have consciously monitored myself and even in situations where I am calm, I find that they are the one that end up saying things like: "Why are we having this conversation?" "I don't even feel like talking!" etc. It's come to a point where I question myself and my abilities in terms of communication. I don't know how not to talk to them, how not to care. They have often given insulting remarks about me in gatherings and people in their gatherings have accepted them as having a "sarcastic" personality so everyone tells me to take it lightly, or broaden my way of thinking. But their comments about me hurts me. Like, a lot. Is it me who would have to let this go or should I keep trying? I feel wrong to keep thinking of them as having a problem but I care so much that it makes me doubt myself consistently and affects my self confidence. Sorry for such a long comment. Hopefully you'll have an answer for me. Thanks so much! V.
True. That is a healthy way to deal with stuff. I always want to talk it out, but the covert narcs around me always seem to be more interested in invalidating and less in listening.
Can you do a video on people who are habitually late ( not because of passive aggressive behavior) more so perception of time. Even if they wake up on time ( sometimes ). What causes that person to be late for eveything in their life?
I have ADHD and it definitely skews my perception of time. One thing that has helped me is to set timers on my phone. So, if I have to leave the house by 9, I will set the first alarm for 8:30, the next for 8:45 and the last one for 8:55. The final alarm is my "stop what you're doing, get your bag and walk out the door...now" alarm. It has really helped me. Not implying you have ADHD but it's been so helpful in my experience!
@@maynard1400 thank you so much that's really good advice. its crazy but I actually started doing this 8 months ago or really does help! I've gotten better but I do fall behind from time to time ...I cant figure it out and why I'm not able to take control of something so important like being on time. Thank you for sharing with me.
I can totally relate! I work backward from the time I need to be somewhere and set alarms that way. I also have "the drop whatever you doing and leave immediately" alarm. Some days are still a struggle, but it's helped a lot.
I'm sorry to hear that ❤️ What about it specifically do you find challenging as a manager? Are you not able to talk to your reports about their behavior in performance reviews?
That’s interesting that you came up with phrases. I find myself getting really anxious about time & forgetting things because I hate the fact that I tend to be late. I’ve started being on more time lately but it’s at the expense on my comfortablity. This past weekend , Every time I started feeling that anxiousness, I told myself “ time is on my side “ . It worked!!! I actually was on time & in each moment I prioritized what really needed to be done. Plus I had a real chill relaxed energy walking into my event inside of walking in hot & heavy with energy
I would like to comment - your suggestions are good for relatively decent relationships - a good guide for people who want to be more functional but a person needs to be more functional with people who can be functional (safe people). BUT my father is narcissitic (probably mild covert NPD)... he often lies, manipulates and if he does not get his way then he is passive aggressive or aggressive - expresses his rage in various ways. Trying to figure out, why he is angry will not help the partner, because his rage and need to dominate and control comes from deep within him - he has rage when people dont do his bidding. There is no boundry for him to set because his rage is not normal anger for boundry setting but narcissitic rage. There is no boundry - "you must always do what I what immediately when I tell you otherwise the consequence will be that I will not talk to you for 2 months and disinherit you". That is not a boundry. That is pathological.... Lateness - oh, my father, my brother and his wife are chronically late, usually by one hour. Once my brother and his wife told our mom that they would arrive for the out of state visit at noon (in time for lunch) and they ended up arriving at 7pm (no call, not text to say they are running late but ok). In similar cases when my brother did that to me and I confronted him, he responded in a way that says "I dont really care" (he said " we are spontaneous", I had something important to take care of - like an oil change for his car, etc.). I'Ve read several books by dr.Cloud and dr.Townsend - to help people they have made up 3 categories of people (the wise, the foolish and the evil)... foolish people are the ones who dont respond well to boundries, they consider them nasty - I think my brother and his wife are like that... I think they respond with pathologic self-centered - rage (not normal anger that is about self protection) and the act it out with passive aggression (lateness, not keeping promises) to things that are supposed to be functional and healthy (boundries, direct communication)...
this is so helpful, love when you say Why would you say that to me? I am sensing some hostility am I wrong? Thinking about saying this to the lady I work with, she will probably shrug me off but I can do my 50% of it if I get the courage. If she says nothing and wont respond I at least tried and can go on and do my job accepting she wont open up with me . I just did not know the words to say, my family of origin would ignore everything and I picked the same behavior up.
I did ask her and she did open up and tell me she didn't like me asking her questions all the time and I apologized. I guess she is private type so I will respect that. Don't know how it will go but at least it is out in the open and I had the courage to ask her, now I can go enjoy the kids and not ask her questions.
Hi Terri, how do you cope with friends who pass snide, snarky comments under cover of laughter? The more comfortable they are with you the more disrespectful they get?
Are they friends or something's else? It might help to create another category for those who are in your life as a friend would be but acting as a non-friend.
I had to google the word 'matronly'. I must say, after reading the Cambridge definition of the word .. she would have been better off just not mentioning your hair at all! LOL There is no way to sell that as a compliment that was just misunderstood.
I have a sisternlaw who is late for everything so we just expect it and don't get mad, she is a very laid back personality. I work with a lady on a bus and she once told me I asked too many questions so I said ok and now keep quiet most of the time unless work related. She is distant but realize not everyone is going to like you. I just enjoy kids and talk with them on the bus I help on. I just accepted both these situations as they are and not let them make me miserable.
I go back to work in Aug and don't know if I should confront her and ask her if everything is ok because she was so quiet and I was a bit uncomfortable or just keep ignoring her and take care of the kids and talk with them. It is painful to get the silent treatment but I can accept it, better than controlling behavior.
Terri, I know these videos are old, but they have really been helping me. I realized I have an issue with PAB and my relationship is suffering because of it. I'm trying to work through it. Do you offer online coaching or can you recommend someone in my area?
I'm glad to hear it's resonating with you!! I don't offer individual coaching but I have group programs. Boundary Bootcamp will be starting this fall, so stay tuned to this channel to hear more in the coming weeks.
Why are you telling the dynamic with my boyfriend as if it was your own story?! LOL! I know the passive-aggressive dance by heart... Great insights to deal with it!
My narcissistic sister who I have since,gone no contact, was always late and started on my rehearsal dinner when she was 20 min late then blamed me for not saving her a seat.
I struggle with this daily I have adhd and sometimes I find myself I have trouble expressing myself it's something that I struggle with alot in my life
My MIL verbally attacks me when husband is not in room, I find myself get very uncomfortable in own home. I tell her repeatedly to leave me alone, she denies it when I tell my husband.
I do this passive agressive attitude sometimes. What if you do this because he won't listen? ...and won't let you talk by interrupting you every time you speak. You are angry because you know he won't let you speak by shouting over you or saying or implying that you are delusional. So you are angry but trying not to be but you are anyway and can't hide it.
I hear you and I'm witnessing you with compassion. Try to remain calm and ask him to wait to speak until after you are done. Some couples benefit from having an unbiased third party there so they can help hold space so both people are heard.
sometimes i may be percieved as passive aggressive when i'm just tired. tired of having every statement responded with some strange word salad that somehow adds nothing.
A) you have a wonderful, kind, credible voice. Consider doing voice over commercials. B) I have watched a lot of your vids and they are normally good, but, C) this one was too long and too personal. I feel like a ψ listening to an anguished rant. Don’t abuse our audienceship, please.
How do I deal with a roommate who has clearly expressed to me their issue with me but the issue has underlying roots another person and no matter what I do to relieve their issue with me nothing works because the issue is actually with the other person?
Without further details it's hard to say as I'm not entirely clear on the situation. Have you told your roommate the issue they have is not actually with you, but with someone else?
Great advice in theory... but it assumes your partner is willing to communicate and work through issues. ... would lbe helpful to share any strategies for that.
It depends on the person and the context. You could go for humor and laugh it off: "Wait, are seriously you really asking me about ____ right now?" Or you could be more forceful: "Am I hearing you correctly? You're asking about _____. Right now?" Or, "That's a loaded topic to 'just be curious' about." If they still don't get that it's inappropriate, you could try switching the subject: "I'd rather not talk about it- tell me about your new job! I'd love to hear how it's going." You can also choose to walk away, if possible- "I need to use the restroom/refill my drink." Or again, be direct: "I'd rather not talk about it right now. When I have news I want to share, I'll let you know." I have other ideas in this video: th-cam.com/video/P_NoE23HZg4/w-d-xo.html but just remember that you do not owe anyone information you do not want to share just to satisfy their curiosity. ❤️
How about when you speak to a narcissist who uses passive aggressiveness constantly to get her way before she rages. Recently, I tried to ask her what was wrong and she denied anything is wrong. If i keep asking her whats wrong she'll eventually tell me (and probably need a favour/demand) and I'll comply out of my feeling guilt/fear. If I say no she rages at me or goes to my husband instead. She always gets her way now and its never enough. At this point should i NOT even acknowledge her passive agressive comments? I feel stuck and im ready to have limited contact but my husband wants a relationship still with her and his family. We have a child. Thank u
I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with this as it sounds exhausting 💕 Yes, I think you're right. I would stop asking her what's wrong and try to ignore her behavior as much as possible. If she is narcissistic, she's just seeking to get a rise out of you to fuel her supply. By not reacting at all, you won't give her supply, and hopefully, she'll look elsewhere. I recommend looking into grey rocking, where you try to become as boring as possible. Don't engage on an emotional level. Stick to facts and logistics when you're discussing things. I would also stop giving into her demands unless she is violent, in which case, do what you need to do to ensure your safety. But if she is, I would maybe bring that up with your husband- that you're concerned for your safety around her. Is there any way for him to continue having a relationship with her, but for you to maintain distance?
@@terri_cole we've increased physical distance recently but the dynamic still continues. I'm hoping it gets better🤞 thank you so much for your response! I just subbed yesterday after watching one video 🙂
In the situations that you're speaking of like telling someone it's not appropriate to talk about a certain thing at a certain time or tell a person the joke that they told came up to me as a defensive I will be told that I am nitpicking
What are your experiences with passive-aggressive comments? Make sure you download the free cheat sheet I mentioned in the episode here: www.terricole.com/passive-agressive-communication-cheatsheet/
I absolutely 'loathe' passive-aggressive people who communicate in sneaky and hideous ways. You can never have direct and honest communication with them like an adult. Communication to them means sarcasm, taunting, triangulation, gaslighting, etc. I 've been dealing with these sort of idiots since my childhood(my family has a bunch of crazy covert narcissists) and now at 33, I just don't have the patience to be gentle with these douchebags. I always give people 3 chances to back off and respect my space and my boundary. The fourth time they repeat their mistake, I unleash my repressed rage on them. If you ask me, habitual boundary bullies deserve public humiliation. They MUST be called out for their shitty ways in full public view. They are devils in disguise and there is no need to be polite to them.
word sister!
I also get triggered by passive aggressive behavior. I had several people in my life that were passive aggressive. It is abuse and it took me awhile to figure that out. At this point I am not interested in being gentle. But I also don't want them to trigger me and get the upper hand any longer. It is difficult when it is coming from people you love and care for. I would like the skill to address it and call the person into account without making things worse.
Thanks for this video. I don't do passive aggressive shit after living and dealing with manipulative friends and family members for almost 30 years. I shouldn't have to feel like I'm walking on eggshells or feeling anxious and feeling like I have to psychoanalyze what the person is feeling all the time because they don't want to talk and be upfront and try to handle things like a grown-up. I'm not doing this shit anymore.
Found you through Jayson Gaddis' podcast... you're doing some marvelous work.
Thank you and glad you found me. Yes, that moment of "I'm not dealing with this anymore" is such key turning point. Keep going!
I have noticed a lot of times, I didn’t realize someone’s behavior is passive aggressive until much later, sometimes, it takes several rounds of interactions for me to realize that person targeted me. What brought me to attention usually is a general strange feeling when I recall the interaction sometime later. Once I figured out that person picked on me, I would distance myself. But I have problem to catch the signs earlier on.
Elaine Lee same here... Am working on it though
I also struggle to catch it when it's happening...and then if I try to talk about it later I'm usually told I remember it all wrong...
I think partly we do this because it's not in our nature to act in such a way, so the realization that others act this way is foreign and almost unimaginable to us..... so our brains don't automatically go there.....
Same here, I have delayed emotional response due to autism spectrum condition.Only being recently diagnosed I felt vulnerable and somehow inadequate, but even on autistic people don't expect negativity, it's easier to assume most people are civil and toxic people take us by surprise.
Because it's passive/subtle, if you will. Plus if you were raised by an individual/individuals that acted like this. You didn't realize that it was a toxic, unhealthy, and abnormal way of being.
"Questions the questioner's question." This is sound advice for uncomfortably personal conversations at work with people that we don't want to personally connect with. It gives the questioner a moment to rethink their question and kind of step away from this dance of aggression and helplessness. Really practical advice for work/life. Thank you Terri & yes I did listen to your podcast a few months ago - this was a good reminder.
I am a guy and I just want to say I really enjoy your videos. I watch them to better myself, my relationship with my wife and to model good behavior for my children. You are great!
Thank you so much ❤️
I love your mature response. I love your clear, around the bar story telling style. I did not want it to end as I found myself hanging onto every word. Thank you.
Thank you so much!
Awesome & timely content Terri. I have one woman at work who likes to make snipers at me where no one else can over hear, then she beats a hasty retreat. She had me thinking I was just being petty until she pulled one of these stunts & there happened to be another coworker present. She made a very brisk exit that day. My coworker looked absolutely stunned & confused at the whole encounter. I looked back at her & asked "I'm not imagining any of that attitude am I?" I am lost with how to handle this woman & her sneak attacks. Help
Hi there WyldGypsyRose, thank you for sharing your story. I'm reminded of Kasia Urbaniak's work with verbal judo to keep yourself feeling in control. Have you tried asking her a question like "Why would you say that to me?" Or "I'm sensing some hostility, am I wrong?" I did a podcast interview with her here where you can learn more about her work: terricole.com/kasia-urbaniak/ Sending you strength, mama.
@@terri_cole I find that most other people are so much less self aware and messed up themselves that these reasonable questions you suggest can backfire. I have used both of your sample questions to try to deal with my feeling of walking on eggshells, and they cost me two very long friendships, until I apologized, when I really had nothing to apologize for except trying for real intimacy. I will never trust these people again as a result. Before you ask, I only apologized because these were a 20 and a 52 yr. long friendship and I am too old and too physically limited now to start over. The 52 yr. one was my BFF and it felt, and still feels, like I lost a sister.
It's so nice that you share personal details helpful to others!! I can't say anything negative about Vic because that's me!! Living with dominating part-time narcissist, I seem to drop my anchor and certainly not intentionally. Wow
Wow. That explains a lot. My ex-boyfriend used to show up late to my place a lot. I found it disrespectful of my time and told him so...which solved nothing. I also suggested that I got a sense he was angry when he'd come over, even though he acted upbeat and denied it. He was the type that sweeps everything under the rug and tries to be "happy" 100% of the time. Now I totally get it. (I also recognized times when I have not spoken my truth as well) Thanks for helping us figure some of this stuff out!
Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for being here. Sending you strength, keep speaking your truth.
I dont always think someone being late is underlying passive aggression but more like superb poor time management, so i'd tell them 1 hr in advance to get them on time.
It can also be a sign of other issues such as untreated ADHD
Good Sunday morning. This is my first time seeing this video. You are doing the lord's work. I can turn a room into a freezer with my energy. I definitely need to change this immediately while I can think objectively. I'm sooo happy you can conceptualize and explain this.
I hate being late, was always late but learning to get better. Lifetime of abuse causes a neural pathways of disregulation - it's like suddenly wearing a snorkel mask, being in a bubble, with visual impairment and chaotic thoughts screaming in your head - your hands don't work properly, you can't use logic or think straight and your heart races panicking "I'm going to be late BUT I've not done enough, don't look right, have forgotten something I or the children need..." this from a lifetime of being treated like we are "less than a nothing" no matter how much we do or cope with its never enough.
The dread of the tirade of abuse on arrival eventually infiltrates every appointment we leave for. Lambs to the slaughter is all we've known - physically shaking as I type. We don't intend to be late we've been trained into conflict panic that disregulates us. Obv there are people who 'make you wait' that's a different animal. No contact from toxic abusers is the only way to begin healing and set new neural pathways for punctuality! ❤️🙏
I am witnessing you with compassion and sending strength your way ❤️
I have a rule that if I hear “fine” or “nothing’s wrong” when I sincerely ask “What’s wrong?” I refuse to entertain or address the issue later when she finally decides to act like an adult and say what’s on her mind.
Aaaaand, I’m twice divorced.
shocker.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!! I’ve watched dozens of videos on this topic, and yours is THE BEST! I learned so much. My life will be changed thanks to your wisdom! Blessings to you!!!!!!!!!!
Problem with me is sometimes I don't react to these comments. Usually friends are angry for me. I tend to just shut down and not answer. I think I just don't see the point in investing in time on these people and how they feel doesn't really impact me. Most of the time, these people just has control issues where they want to force their ways on other people. I mean, if talking to them can change their behaviour, I maybe more willing to put in some effort. But from observing my mum, I can sense when people will just repeat that behaviour when you call them out. With people like these, I just don't bother. I don't know if I'm just too used to suppressing my needs and emotions, that sometimes I feel there are situations I should be angry about and yet I don't. And at the same time I don't want to pretend to, even though I know it is more healthy and me not acting out can cause alot of issues later on. Maybe it has to do with my childhood experience as my mum was like a drama queen and would make issues out of nothing. I just learnt to move away and shut down to stay safe.
Same here.
Thanks for sharing and all the best!!
Same here. However, if you don’t mind me asking, how did you overcome the suppression of your feelings?
I like this woman's videos, she seems genuine
Pray's that all the passive aggressive mothers watch this....
Thank you - I can now understand my house mate
I have just watched three of your passive aggressive vids. Thanks so much for this. I have worked really hard to rid MYSELF of passive aggressive behaviour and am not always successful, but find I am bombarded on a normal basis with other people´s passive aggressive behaviour! The last bit of this video has given me some practical ideas about how to approach someone with PA behaviour, to save time and feelings and so much more. Thank you a million times!
❤️❤️
Another method in dealing with passive aggressive behavior is to simply ignore it. When they see their behavior is not having the intended effect they will either cease that particular behavior or be more aggressive to get their point across. Their level of aggression will rise to the point where they’ll be more blunt with their anger and just spit it out without the need for ineffective circuitous actions .
I'm late often, but it's not to express anger. It's usually because I'm very disorganized and take too long with tasks.
A few months back after getting into it with a coworker I found myself really struggling to even look in their direction and became passive aggressive for a few weeks, I now see that I was struggling to communicate my vulnerabilitiee around how her initial disrespect made me feel becasue it would require me to engage in conflict management which is something I am still learning. I wanted to say to her that just becasue she can't handle someone saying no to her doesn't mean that I have to allow her to speak to me in a disrespectful manner however those words never actually left my mouth (I even practised the conversation with a friend 😅) however going forward I want to be more comfortable handling conflict and letting myself be okay with stating my position without fear
When we start to set boundaries, it can be so difficult to voice them and respond to someone crossing them! You're basically learning a new language. It's great that you were able to recognize what was going on for you 💕 It sounds like your coworker is in the same position (if she couldn't handle your "no" right away), so perhaps you letting her know you're new at this and working on your communication will help her be more vulnerable, too.
You could say something like, "I felt disrespected by the way you responded to my 'no,' and because I felt too vulnerable in the moment, I responded badly. It's been eating away at me and I want to apologize." Depending on the response, you can also make the request that she not speak to you that way again.
@@terri_cole thank you so much for responding, things are still not great between us but I want to clear the air for my own sanity and this is a great opportunity for to practice this new skill. It's a little nerve wracking but I'll power through it 😅
It is a great opportunity- great mindset to have ❤️ You got this!
Always being late is a control and power struggle and a sign of disrespect to the person kept waiting
Thank you for stating that so clearly. Very true.
Yes. I'd also like to add that arriving earlier than required and leaving later than required(when there's no real reason for doing either of these two things) is a control tactic used by bosses to manipulate their subordinates in an office set-up. I saw my father do this a lot when he was 'the boss'.
I personally used to be late because I am inside my head all the time and lose track of time. I used to have trouble estimating the travel time. What I do now is I overestimate it and meditate to increase mindfulness. I am saying this to let you know that control is not everyone's motive.
Dont center yourself in someone else’s story; some people are late due to anxiety or add
People sometimes have health issues that cause chronic lateness. It is not always an agressive behavior
Wow, you are an amazingly together woman. That roleplay-like example you did there near the end is literally my dream accomplishment. In all of life, seriously - if I ever get to the point of mastering what you just made seem so easy, I’d consider my life wholly a success.
It's all a work in progress, no one (me included!) has it all together. We all just take one step at a time and move forward to do our best.
Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM I appreciate you reminding me of that. And I can see now how clear it must be in the way I speak about myself that it’s definitely not my immediate nature to view myself as someone who is capable or is strong enough to get there. Not many positive things, as I’m sure many here can relate to.
That’s something at the top of the list I have to continue working on, but your channel has been so valuable to me the past few days I’ve tuned in (for the first time) and I am very grateful. Not many out there (and I’ve been watching multitudes for years) really resonate with me quite like yours does, so I can’t express more how much I appreciate you doing what you do.
Toxic work place - Terri, I work in health care... so I work with people. You also have such an experience. Could you, would you, please do a video specific about working in a difficult environment? This type of job is specific in that our clients/patients primarily need us and at the same time they are often full of emotions (normal emotions for their situations and they are full of that negative emotional energy). What is normal for the worker in a difficult environment? How to tell if its too toxic for me? while other people can stay there for years....?
u will have to learn to seperate your emotions from theirs. meaning they can feel the way they do..but that doesn't mean u have to neccessarily feel what they r feeling as well. i think a video on boundries, specifically emotional boundries might be helpful to u
Really good questions.
That is so beautiful :) I learned with your examples :) Thank you :)
So many gems in here. Thank you!!!
I worked for over 20 years in a very hostile environment. I dreaded my coworkers and management more than the customers, it was like high school and I was harassed regularly. I was never late and very seldom missing workdays, but I didn't follow the crowd and that annoyed them. My health improved after I left that company.
I'm so sorry you experienced that, but glad to hear you left and that your health improved once you did 💕
Terry, first I want you to say thank you for being such a huge help to me and to many. Because of you, I am able to understand myself and understand others. The reason I'm reaching out is because there's an individual in my life that I'm struggling with. Their are so deep in their drug addiction, and it has drawn this person to the point of severe paranoia and makes a lot of indirect comments, and can make myself and everyone around this person very uncomfortable how am I supposed to react to this behavior. Oh, might I add that this person always clams that they study human behavior I feel like that's a scare tactic to make us feel like we should be worried I am at my wits end with this person I don't know what to do anymore
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ Is this individual someone you need to have close contact with? Is there any way to set boundaries around your level of contact with them? (For example, sticking only to phone conversations or just lessening the frequency of talking to them?) It may be helpful to journal about why you're looking to keep this person in your life. (Is it out of a sense of obligation?) If they're making you and others uncomfortable, you have a right to distance yourself from them or set the boundary that they need to get professional help before you engage with them again.
Literally me coming back to your channel every time I need some advice. And you know what… my husband has been counseling for 30 years but I try my best after 25 years to spare him with my drama at least here and there: 😂 thank you so much. This was incredible . I’m going to work on changing my part of the dance.
I'm so glad to hear my videos have been helpful for you ❤️
Passive aggressive behaviour is just plain nasty and desrecpful a good stern stare should do the trick 😒
Good idea....
This video is so on point this is what I struggle with this daily because I have ADHD anger is an biggest trigger I'm trying to learn how to control my anger but it's difficult for me
My favorite video yet. Can’t wait to apply this knowledge. Thank you
Thank you!
What a great topic to address - real world useful, practical advice there. I had a friend who was ALWAYS late. Like, ridiculously so. We often went for walks together and one time she left me waiting in the woods for an hour and half with my bored daughter and my dogs desperate to go run. I can't believe I used to put up with it. I didn't address is as passive aggressive behaviour at the time but the next time I met her I gave her 15 minutes and then I went for the walk on my own. She stopped doing it after that.
I love, love, love that you decided to set the boundary of waiting for 15 minutes and then going for the walk on your own. Sounds like your friend got the message! That's exactly what I recommend doing- if anyone has a friend who is chronically late, tell them, "I'd appreciate a heads up the next time you're running late. If you don't give me one, I'll leave after X minutes." And then leave! You're right that you don't have to put up with it.
When I can pull an “Ok, thanks!” and walk away
👏👏👏
I love her videos she helps me a lot
I like the way you think and express yourself! I would give almost anything to be more comfortable and direct with expressing my thoughts and feelings instead of either letting things build up, or trying to just let it go. I've never been good with confrontation. I'm a new subscriber to your channel.
Welcome to the channel!
Thank you! Love the eye contact example; sounds like it would feel empowering. Will try it!
Keep me posted about how it goes!!
Your hair looks pretty that way
Thank you :)
Terry I love your story !!! Humbling and sweet and educational
❤️
Very valuable understandings! Thank you!
You're welcome! Thank you for being here!
Your example with your husband was stellar.
❤️❤️
I have a passive aggressive behavior co-worker, I thought I was to sensitive not realizing what my coworker was actually trying to..because she will never admit when she was mad and asking me what do mean.. This video is really helpful. Because I don't want to start doing the same
I am glad you are here and finding the information useful!
Human relationships are so fraught it is a wonder that more of us don’t choose to be loners.
Wow! I love your videos I'm learning the ways to communicate because actually I m very poor at communication whether it's boundaries or what I have to share or show love. It's harder for me to communicate with anybody because my parents are also not a good communicator.
I see you 💕 I have a video about communication here: th-cam.com/video/6VzYVqHftew/w-d-xo.html It has a bit more of a professional slant to it, but you can still use these tips in everyday life.
Thank you for sharing your real life example of the lateness situation. That is so interesting and relatable. I love your boundaries book. Thank you for your vidoes - You are a blessing!
Thank you so much for being here, I appreciate you! I'm glad you find my videos and personal examples helpful ❤️❤️
I have a passive aggressive person in my life. So, the cycle I’m in is this: my mom will look angry, and act disproving, it hurts my feelings deeply and I cry. She’s asks me if somethings wrong. I device on the spot whether to respond. I say, yes I’m mad about this. She then gets defensive. Well, that was a week ago!! (But she’s been doing this throughout my entire childhood.) so? My predicament is that when I do share my feelings, they get shut down and deflected. When I don’t, she wonders why I’m quiet or need space. It’s exhausting. It makes me feel dead inside, it makes me feel projected upon. I’m wondering what this means
I have a similar experience with my mom, who is narcissistic and emotionally needy to the point of being a black hole. She hurts me, gets defensive when I bring it up, then wonders why I can’t just act like nothing happened when it literally feels like she emotionally gut punched me. Thanks for sharing. I can relate and am working on becoming financially independent so I can get away from her hoovering/taker energy. What you wrote doesn’t mean anything! It means that your mom has character flaws that she needs to work on and that you need to get away asap if you are able
You could tell her that you don't feel safe answering her question because of how she acts when you're honest.
If she still responds poorly and you no longer live at home put space between you for your own health.
@thelivingimpaired Your Mom is likely an emotionally dependent person with narcissistic behavior and you were clearly neglected and neglect is a severe form of psychological abuse-as well as, you being gas lit for years and never being allowed to have the issue resolved. This is crazy making. It's not your fault. And I'm sorry you had to go through all that.
Sometimes I have an hard time expressing my anger because I don't like conflict
So you self soothe by not being authentic with the other person? No thanks.
Hey, thats progress right there. Good self reflection. Also that comment was passive agressive . Looks like we can all learn how to self reflect. The first step is the hardest. Good luck on your journey.❤@ArtemisSilverBow
Your so awesome I have been binge watching you and completing the worksheets.
Thank you for watching!
This was the best advice on passive aggressive communication that I've heard so far. I'm grateful you made this video. I'm a newbie on your channel so I will be exploring it more.
I do have one question though.
I have been dealing with a passive aggressive loved one for about 4 years now. I'm very closed to this person, I care so much that it's their opinion that matters the most to me in any aspect of my life. They've had a very rough childhood though. They accepted it on their own that they were never taught to communicate their feelings and therefore, they prefer to stay silent or keep things to themselves. Well guess what, it turned them into this bitter person who's always making subtle comments about things which they hide under the label of "sarcasm".
My question is: I have tried to communicate a lot with this person but everytime, I feel like they tell me I'm too aggressive and every conversation we have turns into a fight or argument so they rather not talk to me. Now they repeatedly tell me this and I have consciously monitored myself and even in situations where I am calm, I find that they are the one that end up saying things like: "Why are we having this conversation?" "I don't even feel like talking!" etc. It's come to a point where I question myself and my abilities in terms of communication. I don't know how not to talk to them, how not to care. They have often given insulting remarks about me in gatherings and people in their gatherings have accepted them as having a "sarcastic" personality so everyone tells me to take it lightly, or broaden my way of thinking. But their comments about me hurts me. Like, a lot. Is it me who would have to let this go or should I keep trying? I feel wrong to keep thinking of them as having a problem but I care so much that it makes me doubt myself consistently and affects my self confidence.
Sorry for such a long comment. Hopefully you'll have an answer for me.
Thanks so much!
V.
Like Who Likes You!
"Don't go to that well for water."
Even if the conversation is uncomfortable you talk it out.
True. That is a healthy way to deal with stuff. I always want to talk it out, but the covert narcs around me always seem to be more interested in invalidating and less in listening.
So true.
I didn’t even know what passive aggressive was until today!
Can you do a video on people who are habitually late ( not because of passive aggressive behavior) more so perception of time. Even if they wake up on time ( sometimes ). What causes that person to be late for eveything in their life?
Thank you for the suggestion!
I have ADHD and it definitely skews my perception of time. One thing that has helped me is to set timers on my phone. So, if I have to leave the house by 9, I will set the first alarm for 8:30, the next for 8:45 and the last one for 8:55. The final alarm is my "stop what you're doing, get your bag and walk out the door...now" alarm. It has really helped me. Not implying you have ADHD but it's been so helpful in my experience!
@@maynard1400 thank you so much that's really good advice. its crazy but I actually started doing this 8 months ago or really does help! I've gotten better but I do fall behind from time to time ...I cant figure it out and why I'm not able to take control of something so important like being on time. Thank you for sharing with me.
I can totally relate! I work backward from the time I need to be somewhere and set alarms that way. I also have "the drop whatever you doing and leave immediately" alarm. Some days are still a struggle, but it's helped a lot.
It's very challenging when you are the manager at work...i have a number of passive aggressive staff.
I'm sorry to hear that ❤️ What about it specifically do you find challenging as a manager? Are you not able to talk to your reports about their behavior in performance reviews?
"Do a different dance". Beautiful!
That’s interesting that you came up with phrases. I find myself getting really anxious about time & forgetting things because I hate the fact that I tend to be late. I’ve started being on more time lately but it’s at the expense on my comfortablity. This past weekend , Every time I started feeling that anxiousness, I told myself “ time is on my side “ . It worked!!! I actually was on time & in each moment I prioritized what really needed to be done. Plus I had a real chill relaxed energy walking into my event inside of walking in hot & heavy with energy
Right on mama!
"Time is in my side." So great! Thank you 💖
Oh so helpful! Thank you!
No, I say I am angry as I stomp around and slam doors.
alleycatalog 😂😂😂😂
Nice
Use direct language and confront their behaviors
great resolution to the time thing for Both of You!
My mother in law is passive aggressive. Drives me crazy. ! I always tell my husband go talk to her or I'm going to explode.
Sounds like you're being direct and honest.
wOW, i'd tell m X "tell your mom how you feel".. 😒😾
Asking your husband to do it for you is passive aggressive, you got this DIY 😂👍👍👍
Thank you Terri,
Your videos and YOU are fabulous! May I suggest you increase the volume on your mic so we can hear your wonderful voice more easily. Thank you.
Thanks for the feedback.
Appreciate your work so much.
Thank you - I appreciate you ❤️
"liked"!
you have the right speed of talking ,& explaining.. 😀
Thank you!
I love this story. ❤️
Thank you for being here 💕
I would like to comment - your suggestions are good for relatively decent relationships - a good guide for people who want to be more functional but a person needs to be more functional with people who can be functional (safe people). BUT my father is narcissitic (probably mild covert NPD)... he often lies, manipulates and if he does not get his way then he is passive aggressive or aggressive - expresses his rage in various ways. Trying to figure out, why he is angry will not help the partner, because his rage and need to dominate and control comes from deep within him - he has rage when people dont do his bidding. There is no boundry for him to set because his rage is not normal anger for boundry setting but narcissitic rage. There is no boundry - "you must always do what I what immediately when I tell you otherwise the consequence will be that I will not talk to you for 2 months and disinherit you". That is not a boundry. That is pathological.... Lateness - oh, my father, my brother and his wife are chronically late, usually by one hour. Once my brother and his wife told our mom that they would arrive for the out of state visit at noon (in time for lunch) and they ended up arriving at 7pm (no call, not text to say they are running late but ok). In similar cases when my brother did that to me and I confronted him, he responded in a way that says "I dont really care" (he said " we are spontaneous", I had something important to take care of - like an oil change for his car, etc.). I'Ve read several books by dr.Cloud and dr.Townsend - to help people they have made up 3 categories of people (the wise, the foolish and the evil)... foolish people are the ones who dont respond well to boundries, they consider them nasty - I think my brother and his wife are like that... I think they respond with pathologic self-centered - rage (not normal anger that is about self protection) and the act it out with passive aggression (lateness, not keeping promises) to things that are supposed to be functional and healthy (boundries, direct communication)...
but someone with PA behaviors would get more pissed off with the directness
Love the video keep em coming
this is so helpful, love when you say Why would you say that to me? I am sensing some hostility am I wrong? Thinking about saying this to the lady I work with, she will probably shrug me off but I can do my 50% of it if I get the courage. If she says nothing and wont respond I at least tried and can go on and do my job accepting she wont open up with me . I just did not know the words to say, my family of origin would ignore everything and I picked the same behavior up.
I did ask her and she did open up and tell me she didn't like me asking her questions all the time and I apologized. I guess she is private type so I will respect that. Don't know how it will go but at least it is out in the open and I had the courage to ask her, now I can go enjoy the kids and not ask her questions.
This is helping me a lot . Thanks
You're welcome!
Kindly talk about extremely subtle passive-aggressive comments.
I have two other videos on the topic which might be more helpful: th-cam.com/video/F1qgk5Z1Y0k/w-d-xo.html & th-cam.com/video/abM0X1kfp7Y/w-d-xo.html
Hi Terri, how do you cope with friends who pass snide, snarky comments under cover of laughter? The more comfortable they are with you the more disrespectful they get?
Sounds like you have some boundary bullies!
Are they friends or something's else? It might help to create another category for those who are in your life as a friend would be but acting as a non-friend.
Ver good video lady..great job
I had to google the word 'matronly'. I must say, after reading the Cambridge definition of the word .. she would have been better off just not mentioning your hair at all! LOL There is no way to sell that as a compliment that was just misunderstood.
Love this!! Thank you:)
fantastic thank you so much
You're welcome!
I have a sisternlaw who is late for everything so we just expect it and don't get mad, she is a very laid back personality. I work with a lady on a bus and she once told me I asked too many questions so I said ok and now keep quiet most of the time unless work related. She is distant but realize not everyone is going to like you. I just enjoy kids and talk with them on the bus I help on. I just accepted both these situations as they are and not let them make me miserable.
I go back to work in Aug and don't know if I should confront her and ask her if everything is ok because she was so quiet and I was a bit uncomfortable or just keep ignoring her and take care of the kids and talk with them. It is painful to get the silent treatment but I can accept it, better than controlling behavior.
i now know I will have to have that difficult conversation, at least I know I have done my part and then get over it, she is who she is.
yes, I did it. Thanks Terri, such freedom.
Terri, I know these videos are old, but they have really been helping me. I realized I have an issue with PAB and my relationship is suffering because of it. I'm trying to work through it. Do you offer online coaching or can you recommend someone in my area?
I'm glad to hear it's resonating with you!! I don't offer individual coaching but I have group programs. Boundary Bootcamp will be starting this fall, so stay tuned to this channel to hear more in the coming weeks.
@@terri_cole ok I will do that. Thanks for responding 😊
Love your videos 💕😘
Why are you telling the dynamic with my boyfriend as if it was your own story?! LOL! I know the passive-aggressive dance by heart... Great insights to deal with it!
My narcissistic sister who I have since,gone no contact, was always late and started on my rehearsal dinner when she was 20 min late then blamed me for not saving her a seat.
I struggle with this daily I have adhd and sometimes I find myself I have trouble expressing myself it's something that I struggle with alot in my life
My MIL verbally attacks me when husband is not in room, I find myself get very uncomfortable in own home. I tell her repeatedly to leave me alone, she denies it when I tell my husband.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing that behavior from your MIL ❤️
Not anymore. I communicate. If I'm mad I say yes I'm mad. Talk it out. Be honest
Luhv this !
Omg, I totally understand her frustration. She has to be a Virgo too! lol
I’m definitely the PAP..I want to communicate better but how?
I do this passive agressive attitude sometimes. What if you do this because he won't listen? ...and won't let you talk by interrupting you every time you speak. You are angry because you know he won't let you speak by shouting over you or saying or implying that you are delusional. So you are angry but trying not to be but you are anyway and can't hide it.
I hear you and I'm witnessing you with compassion. Try to remain calm and ask him to wait to speak until after you are done. Some couples benefit from having an unbiased third party there so they can help hold space so both people are heard.
sometimes i may be percieved as passive aggressive when i'm just tired. tired of having every statement responded with some strange word salad that somehow adds nothing.
A) you have a wonderful, kind, credible voice. Consider doing voice over commercials. B) I have watched a lot of your vids and they are normally good, but, C) this one was too long and too personal. I feel like a ψ listening to an anguished rant. Don’t abuse our audienceship, please.
How do I deal with a roommate who has clearly expressed to me their issue with me but the issue has underlying roots another person and no matter what I do to relieve their issue with me nothing works because the issue is actually with the other person?
Without further details it's hard to say as I'm not entirely clear on the situation. Have you told your roommate the issue they have is not actually with you, but with someone else?
I love you :) Thank You
Great advice in theory... but it assumes your partner is willing to communicate and work through issues. ... would lbe helpful to share any strategies for that.
When you question the questioner, but their reply is "I'm just curious". How do I handle that?
It depends on the person and the context. You could go for humor and laugh it off: "Wait, are seriously you really asking me about ____ right now?" Or you could be more forceful: "Am I hearing you correctly? You're asking about _____. Right now?" Or, "That's a loaded topic to 'just be curious' about."
If they still don't get that it's inappropriate, you could try switching the subject: "I'd rather not talk about it- tell me about your new job! I'd love to hear how it's going." You can also choose to walk away, if possible- "I need to use the restroom/refill my drink." Or again, be direct: "I'd rather not talk about it right now. When I have news I want to share, I'll let you know."
I have other ideas in this video: th-cam.com/video/P_NoE23HZg4/w-d-xo.html but just remember that you do not owe anyone information you do not want to share just to satisfy their curiosity. ❤️
How about when you speak to a narcissist who uses passive aggressiveness constantly to get her way before she rages. Recently, I tried to ask her what was wrong and she denied anything is wrong. If i keep asking her whats wrong she'll eventually tell me (and probably need a favour/demand) and I'll comply out of my feeling guilt/fear. If I say no she rages at me or goes to my husband instead. She always gets her way now and its never enough. At this point should i NOT even acknowledge her passive agressive comments? I feel stuck and im ready to have limited contact but my husband wants a relationship still with her and his family. We have a child. Thank u
I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with this as it sounds exhausting 💕 Yes, I think you're right. I would stop asking her what's wrong and try to ignore her behavior as much as possible. If she is narcissistic, she's just seeking to get a rise out of you to fuel her supply. By not reacting at all, you won't give her supply, and hopefully, she'll look elsewhere. I recommend looking into grey rocking, where you try to become as boring as possible. Don't engage on an emotional level. Stick to facts and logistics when you're discussing things. I would also stop giving into her demands unless she is violent, in which case, do what you need to do to ensure your safety. But if she is, I would maybe bring that up with your husband- that you're concerned for your safety around her. Is there any way for him to continue having a relationship with her, but for you to maintain distance?
@@terri_cole we've increased physical distance recently but the dynamic still continues. I'm hoping it gets better🤞 thank you so much for your response! I just subbed yesterday after watching one video 🙂
Hmm. Normally I agree with you but why would you allow anyone to make you late for a friend's wedding?
Could it be that being passive-aggressive isn't the first "go-to"? Could it be a resonse to abuse? Hmmm, imagine that!
In the situations that you're speaking of like telling someone it's not appropriate to talk about a certain thing at a certain time or tell a person the joke that they told came up to me as a defensive I will be told that I am nitpicking
I hear you. It does not have to defensive, it can merely be stating a preference or a boundary of what is and what is not ok with you.