Why Men are Touch Deprived
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 พ.ค. 2023
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Link to the full video - th-cam.com/video/q-byTf9466Q/w-d-xo.html
Wow..... Please don't start promoting such nonsensical opinions, they do more harm than good, especially when we are facing global population collapse. I understand that you need content that appeals to the "general lay society" in order to get views and tell others what they want to hear. Please stick within one's realm of competence. You have a lot of responsibility, please do not use it loosely.
@@21Kikoshi Or maybe, the literal psychiatrist knows what he's talking abt and you, some rando on the internet, don't
@@21Kikoshi Request : please add arguments to your opinions to back them up.
@@AdidTurreno he is doing it for content and based on his opinion, not on research.
@@AdidTurreno he just saying what people want to hear because he is a content creator
I don't think it's just lack of touch, it's also emotional intimacy
it hits a cord but I guess I'm a bit antisocial I don't trust people to touch me. Because when they do either it is mock or belittle me. Which is why I am only touchy with my partner.
Yeah, but I think they kinda go hand in hand. When men are shamed into bottling up their feelings and not talking about them, it's often tied to the "dude, talking about that stuff is gay" or "that's weak"
Really sad I think
True, both are needed. But touch can be a way to access and share thise emotions. Giving a hug can help people who feel sad know they are supported, calm down anger, etc. and even when both people are happy, it's a way to share that happines. Emotional and physical intimacy go hand in hand
@@tenaciousgamer6892 That's bullism trauma, I had that too
edit: And btw antisocial means "psychopath" in psychology, you probably meant "social anxiety" or socially retired, something on that line
@@tenaciousgamer6892I've heard of men being broken up with for being too emotional with their partners too, which sucks
This is why you kiss the homies gn 👍
Based
The most homophobic countries actually have the most male on male touch and connection. Countries where LGBT and degeneracy is most promoted, the less men feel comfortable to touch eachother
Nothing wrong with a bro job here n there too lads.
YES EXACTLY MY MAN 👍
On the MOUTH
I remember during the early days I was dating a man (he hadn't had a serious relationship before), we were getting physically more comfortable with each other. I came up to him when he was sitting at the kitchen table and started rubbing his neck. About a minute in, he started tearing up. He said he hadn't been experienced touch like that *ever* and said it was a "shock to his system" and that he didn't know what was happening to him. It was my first time noticing touch deprivation was a thing.
That’s sad. What happened to him?
Sad to hear..😲
It’s a thing for women too, I cry everytime I do self care/love, even dancing. When I start feeling the love, I start to cry. It comes from not having had a lot of love in your life other than the one you now own and share with others. Much Love
Ps. I used to think it was sad too. But I’m so happy there’s no way it could be sad. It’s just an emotion that flares up from the past. We humans are burdened that way (emotions).
Yeah I haven’t had a hug in over a decade
@@joressshe broke up with him the next day.
Also makes sense why pets reduces depression and suicidal thoughts. You could cuddle up with your pet anytime
True, I used to cuddle with my cat all day and overall I was really happy, I've noticed I'm not as fine since she passed a year ago.
I’m just a regular straight dude. But damn, I love me some brotherly love. The bond between you and your close friends and actual brothers is pretty special.
It's pretty special getting to witness that brotherly love 🥰
@@mariamerigoldlol shush😂
Gay
Don't care@@Truebro79
@@Truebro79 you're the problem
Bold of you to assume it's only men that don't want to touch me 😎
🤣
😂
😂
Anyone else feel like touching in general is kinda gross like even a handshake fells uncomfortable
@@he8535 no
As a woman, and a natural hugger, I have to stop myself hugging people - even other women - because lots of people just don't like to be hugged as its perceived as more intimate that it should be. Whenever I have hugged someone that's not my family, or when I've been hugged by someone not my family, its always after a "can I hug you?" And I have had a few "no"'s which reinforces the idea I have to ask first, and usually only other women. Its just seen as too intimate.
It is intimate for some people. Touch is reserved for sex, for me. I hate being touched in other contexts. I must've been a bird in my former life 🤔
Just give ‘em a bro hug: one hand on theirs and the other hand on their shoulder as you pull in
nah i love being touched hugged hand holding etc and i could do that with someone i met one day ago. gives me a tingly warm feeling and makes me happy, love being connected to others.@@vivvpprof
I usually welcome a girl giving me a hug
Some people are touch starved, so when you hug them it automatically turns intimate for them. Which could be nice for others or really uncomfortable if they don’t know you
Im a pretty stable guy, but when i met with the girl im with now i had been single for 2 years and the first time she told me she loved me i cried because i had been so desperately needing to feel that. Even though i have family theres something different about having someone who used to be a complete stranger now feel comfortable enough with you to feel love towards you and want to show it, to me theres no better feeling.
Love is also need. when you stop meeting her needs she will bail. She LOVES how you make her feel TODAY. Sorry to be so cynical and you do not have to believe me but I have been there. It goes both ways too. In time, if you perceive less value from her, you will stop loving her usually. Instead of LOVE change it to the word VALUE. I VALUE (what you can do for me today; how you make me feel today. Love does not always last. Even when it does (love as in respect); it is not always enough to keep you both together.) Love is tragic and sad and wonderful at the same time. It is not fair. Read carefully. Every word he sings is very true...or then watch the video.
Huey Lewis and the News.
*The power of love* is a curious thing
Make a one man weep, make another man sing
Change a hawk to a little white dove
More than a feeling, that's the power of love
Tougher than diamonds, rich like cream
Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream
Make a bad one good, mmh make a wrong right
Power of love will keep you home at night
Don't need money, don't take fame
Don't need no credit card to ride this train
It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes
But it might just save your life
That's the power of love
That's the power of love
First time you feel it might make you sad
Next time you feel it might make you mad
But you'll be glad baby when you've found
That's the power that makes the world go 'round
And it don't take money, don't take fame
Don't need no credit card to ride this train
It's strong and it's sudden, it can be cruel sometimes
But it might just save your life
They say that all in love is fair
Yeah, but you don't care
But you know what to do
When it gets hold of you
And with a little help from above
You feel the power of love
You feel the power of love
Can you feel it? (hmm hmm)
It don't take money, don't take fame
Don't need no credit card to ride this train
Tougher than diamonds and stronger than steel
You won't feel nothin' 'til you feel
You feel the power, feel the power of love
That's the power, that's the power of love
You feel the power of love
You feel the power of love
Feel the power of love
@@UTAH100 incel moment
For real. A lady sat a little too close to me on the bus last week and her upper arm was pressed against my upper arm and it was the first time I had been touched by another person in probably about 5 years.
I felt an emotion in my heart that I can't quite describe, but even though I had never felt touch-deprived before then, I knew it was exactly the issue.
sounds like you've been touch-deprived for so long, you became numb to it. So you didn't notice it anymore, until you had that chance human contact.
please take care of yourself ❤
@@Melodymist Thanks for the kind words, stranger :)
Go on a date, this is one of the saddest things I've ever heard
@@10pmmemes88 r/woosh
@@FaeMagicimma have to write you a ticket for severe misuse of woosh, that'll be fat hundred dollars you owe the court
Even as a gay man, I am deeply touch starved because there is an actual danger to being found out or perceived as gay. I have straight friends who I worry about touching, not because they would be uncomfortable, but because I worry about their safety if they’re seen as close to me. I had friends in high school who were bullied because I was openly gay and they happened to be other men so it was assumed they had to be gay too. Homophobia really does deny men close relationships with each other in every sense. Men being emotionally vulnerable with other men is not “gay”, it is a natural human interaction between peers. Homophobia is dangerous for everyone, not just queer folks
yes!
100%, accepting minority groups makes the whole stronger.
@@insabon what?
It really does ruin any form of natural interaction by just constant worry or caution. Homophobia just messes up everyone
Damn where do you live?
This is true. Female friendships are different and I find them really fulfilling. I tell my female friends that I love them, we hug, we hold hands, we cuddle while sleeping in the same bed, we call each other when we feel down, we buy each other groceries and make food for each other when one is sick, we give each other gifts and treat each other to dinner when it's one of our birthday. Most men only do these things in a relationship. It would be lovely if male friendships became more affectionate and emotionally supportive.
this right here
this made my day
I am a girl and never experienced that 😢
@@leila_de_hautjardin so did I until I met my kind of people! I'm sure you will find them and they will find you, but important thing to remember is you gotta search. It just takes time and effort to get there, but it's there.
Best of luck, dear! 🫂💖
She’s talking about girl-girl friendships. No girl is going to cuddle with a male friend. What you want is a girlfriend, don’t be weird and pretend to be friends with someone you want more from.
My older brother went to my dad for support when he broke up with his long time gf. Like he was legit having nervous breakdowns because it was a very complicated and almost toxic relationship. A couple months later, my father was talking about that and he was actually making fun of my brother’s breakdown and all the somatic symptoms he was having. It just disgusted me at my core that a lot of men will perpetuate the feelings = not a man.
That is messed up
I can already see this happening to me later, and I'm not even in a relationship.
@@TheNaz_O5-15 I hope not. Try not to forecast doom on yourself. Pray that God will send you both strength and help.
My mom legit did this to me. Some people are just assholes.
That's interesting. I thought about it, and caught myself thinking "why would I touch another guy, that's wierd".
It's an insidious mindset
Being from romania, where men touching each other is normal, I felt so touch starved in the U.S. for so long. Luckily, I found friends whonare chill with it
U only do it when you have lost ur mind
Go to the old world, and you find men hugging, kissing each other on the cheeks, and even holding hands, in a non-sexual context. American homophobia is wild.
think about where that thought came from. many of the toxic and maladaptive mindsets we acquire are implanted into us by others. only when we challenge what we believe do we find the courage to become a better person.. imo
@@thegodofthegods1084homophobia is a weird way to put it. Our society is tolerant of gay people. However there is a point to be made about the perceived sexual nature of something that is strictly platonic. It is a weird homophobia if it can be called that.
I read an article once about this dude, who shared a cigarette lighter with a Stranger, on the subway, and the stranger petted him on the shoulder and said, thanks. And he cried all the way to work.
Sounds like a story you would likely talk about, yeah
I have heard about this with a person who had leprosy. They hadn't been touched for many years and then when the doctor was treating him he put his hand on the leper's shoulder. The leper started crying. When the doctor asked the translator what was wrong he explained that that was the first time anyone touched him in years.
That is so sad…
@@Foxeyify People with leprosy can be touched, it's not contagious. There are stories of people being shipped off to islands to die alone because they thought touching them would catch leprosy. :(
Do you remember the name of this article, or have the link?
I'm male, 50, married. I have a 12 year old daughter, and a younger daughter we lost at 7 months old., when my older daughter was 5. 9 months later my mother died suddenly of a cardiac event. Last year, we lost both of my in laws within 58 days of each other, one after Thanksgiving and our older daughter'sbirthday, and the other just before our birthdays.
I tell all my male friends, that are my real friends, I mean my truest friends, the ones my daughter calls Uncle (insert thir name here) that I LOVE them. And I hug them. There's about 6 of them. My wife has known some of them since kindergarten. I've known most of them since high school.
We've all been through the same stuff together. They've seen us through our stuff. They were there when I needed them, because I was afraid to be alone, for the reason this video was made. I've seen some very dark times.
Sometimes, you need a hug from one of your homies, man.
I always hug my bros when I greet them. They say I'm one of the happiest people they know and I agree
back at university we had a closely knit friend group within our uni group, the university itself was mostly women, but our group somehow got equal numbers of man and women. our "hi" and "goodbye" rituals were not handshakes, but hugs, occasionally with a pat on the back. you would go for a handshake only with acquaintances or someone you weren't really friends with.
my friends from school did joke about gay stuff when they saw how we hugged hello and goodbye. I'm glad that didn't bother me much. Even as little and as simple things as a hug-hello and hug-goodbye with actual friends work wonders for adequate mental state
Yeah, I would be so uncomfortable. It just feels so weird if I’m not very close with someone cause it’s so intimate.
This is what I realized with my family, too! And it’s probably why Latin America is so much happier than Eastern Europe and generally bucks the trend on the relationship between wealth and happiness - that is, wealth makes you happier, but Latin Americans are much happier than their wealth would have us predict.
@@DengueBurger but eastern europeans are affectionate too. I'm from there and guys hug and hold each other often
But it was still strange to ask for a hug when you needed one, wasn't it?
Yeah for sure.. its a hug, i mean im not in a need to hug up my bro whenever we greet or farewell.. but yes, im definitely up to sharing hugs with girls. A hug is simply just a hug your bro dont hold your bro.. because its just a hug absolutely not a hold.
A wise man once said a dog truly is a man's best friend because you are free to cuddle and hug and pet them as much as you could possibly want. I know it doesnt fix the issue but it helps
Lol I was breaking down this one time and I just wanted to hug our family dog, but the pupper avoided me. But yeah it absolutely helps.
I have 2 cats instead lol.
They ain't all cuddly but they'll sit close to me when I'm sad, like hip to hip.
Exactly. Cuddling your dog doesn’t give people zoophilic vibes, but cuddling your homies does give people gay vibes.
@@Bolpat Right?! I have a childhood friend. I'm nearly 40 and I have two kids and a wife. I still sometimes sleep at his house every couple months. His Boomer neighbor insists that I'm gay. Weird.
@@Bolpat I feel I have to clarify for the older people. No, I don't cuddle him. But honestly I would if I weren't afraid of weirding him out. I have zero attraction for pretty much anything I can't impregnate... but I'd like to not feel as the good doc says "touch starved"
Right on and i appreciate how you specifically said homophobia and not being called gay which is a distinction that too many people dont want to recognize cus it might include them too, homophobia is the root and the basis.
That also will also make str8/bi men think about how they treat gay men and leverage homophobia towards them.
Also lets never forget the impact homophobia has on gay men and the rise currently that could possibly drive some to end their days to escape the horrors of reality in a environment that dehumanizes you.
PET MEN LIKE WE'RE DOGS CALL THEM GOOD BOYS
Damn right, woof :3
Or even better get a dog 🐶
@@monejohn9973 nah
@@monejohn9973 at this point because you used an emoji I'm saying even more out of spite
Good boy ☺️ *pets head*
Me with the homies next weekend:
“You guys wanna start touching?”
damn youre going to be friendless :)
@@elise9537 friendful you mean?
@@northkoreangovernment6894 yep some of the guys must be into it:) was jk because I know if you try to innocently hug a guy even as a guy he is going to back away :)
"sure, your moms already been doing that with me 😎 👉"
Nah we're good
Hug your homies. It isn't weird. It's human.
Weird argument. Don’t wear clothes. It’s human
They don't want to be hugged tho
You should def turn that into a worldwide club/society/whatever, and make hoodies and hats and shit with that logo. "Hug Your Homies" worldwide. Lol
@@peachcobbler641 Even weirder response. Wearing clothes is a very human trait
As a woman in her early 40s, I feel that I'm not allowed to be emotional, touching, or affectionate without coming across as needy, clingy, or trying to get too close too soon. I'd like to be more affectionate, but I'm terrified of being turned away. It's something I need to work out in my head regardless, but I wanted to share my perspective here.
My girlfriend is very touchy, but the coworkers she's recently made friends with aren't used to it.
I guess some people as friends take longer to get comfortable with affection, and that in itself is fine, as long as you have different people in your life you can trust. Trust is another thing hard to come by in different places.
What makes this hurt even more is when people also blame you for looking “unfriendly” being way too “intimidating” just because of your height. appearance and also your voice… watching some of them back down or “freeze” when you finally decide to open up to them/make the first move (going for something simple like a hug) crushes my f**ing soul.
💯 ties in with a lot of men associating intimacy with sex, too. Get intimate with your bros, my fellow dudes. Once you accept that it's not actually gay, it'll change your life.
snuggle up with the bros
@@user-fs9mv8px1y Id love to watch that :))
No, it is gay, and this isn't the reason why male suicide has gone up.
@@michaelatlas2341 Please, enlighten us.
@@michaelatlas2341 You are my favourite kind of person on the internet. Argue a point that is the exact opposite of someone else's argument, and then provide nothing more to back up your point.
Trolling at it's mildest.
So damn true, my whole life I’ve always tried to be close with my boys but every time it was pushed off as “gay” or “that’s not what men do”. Who tf made these rules that men can’t support another man, I don’t need a kiss I need a hug
Who? Theres a concept called the patriarchy that enforces these damaging rules and standards, which are called toxic masculinity. No joke, that is the actual feminist theory - it has *always* been sympathetic to how strict enforcement of hierarchical gender roles actually damages most men too.
Keep it up buddy. Nothing as rewarding as a good hug between bros to comfort after a loss or celebrate a win, or even just to be happy to see each other. And if that's gay, thn we're gonna need a new word for homosexual.
Hegemony. Same thing that's responsible for all the other stupid shit you hear people say: "boys don't cry," "girls wear pink," "real men don't ____," "x is for girls and not men," etc.
Shit ill take a kiss on the cheek from a homie.
Those rules are toxic masculinity and the men who don't obey those rules are usually happier
A bit more worse when you're a man with autistic stuff going on. Really.. i see how friendships are healthy and really reaaly reallyy nice, but can i get there? Nooo.. not with "preparation". Which basically ends up in talking through expected scenarios with my imaginary friends.. until i'm sure about how to approach it.. but then i usually blunder the obvious stuff.. within those situations, there's much going on and also so many thoughts.. and in the end, it's no wonder that i do or did random and for the goal useless shit... And you don't get lots of those magical social opportunities.. only a few tries will magically have that banter you basically worked for for like the past 10 years..
Edit: and if those aren't turning into a solid lasting friendship, than nothing will.. like.. ever
Im a massage therapist. This is something we talk about a lot. People in general but definitely guys are touch starved. It isn't seen as good to give a real hug, sit on the couch and cuddle your bros (male or female), or just brush up against people you know.
I have started purposely touching my family in small friendly ways (a touch to the shoulder or arm to say im passing them or to acknowledge them quietly). And you would be shocked how many times they react like it is weird tell they get used to it. And i have always been touchy.
Guys have even more restrictions on who they can touch then gals do. And it is killing us all.
Btw touch, platonic safe touch, drastically drops your stress levels. Just a few hugs a day can help so much more then people think.
Also if you dont get platonic touch your brain will only associate it with your parents or sex. Then when you do get any it will bring weird feelings up that might not be based on anything else but you wouldn't know.
Btw studies have shown that safe platonic touch drops your stress levels drastically. Even a few hugs a day helps so much.
Please y'all learn to touch again. It is so good for you.
I've been saying this for a long time and this is what a lot of the redpill type guys seem to be missing. The solution to men's loneliness lies with men. Women don't have this problem, if I'm sad or lonely my friends will happily hug me or cuddle next to me or talk to me about it and hold my hand and it's not a big deal. We'll do it even just whenever not even if something is wrong and it's not considered anything sexual. I'm a lesbian and no one is scared to touch me or sleep in the same bed or whatever because intimacy with friends is normal.
Men on the other hand rely on women for the same thing and only in a romantic context and are therefore so desperate for it that women don't want to give it out of fear of the guys getting obsessed or taking it as a romantic gesture and it's just not worth the risk. I have no problems hugging and being touchy with my male friends but one too many times of it going weird has left me hesitant to do it. A lot of the red pill type communities then blame the women and say of course men are lonely when women refuse to give us affection, and then want to force them to provide intimacy. Even some pretty normal guys will be like "yeah it sucks for both sides, I see why women would be scared to be intimate with their male friends but its sad that a few creeps ruin it for everyone and make the rest of us normal guys be lonely." But no one ever thinks of the obvious solution of men being intimate with each other, because the guys think ew why would I want to hold hands with the bros that's sexual and gay. And the irony is that would go a long way to fixing relations with women too, because the men wouldn't be so desperate and clingy from the slightest kindness and therefore much less intimidating as intimate friends and partners.
From my PoV male friend groups seem to treat each other fucking horribly like just nothing but tearing each other down and roasting each other which I get it, it's funny and that's how you're raised to interact, but it just feels like part of the problem to me and sometimes vulnerability and softness makes a big difference.
I'VE BEEN SAYING THIS MY ENTIRE LIFE!!
I've always thought about how women have alot more societal consideration, emotional support, deeper more intimate friendships, are allowed to be as expressive or flamboyant as they want with it being considered cute rather than weird, being able to cry and be vulnerable without fear or reprecussions. That led to alot of envy from my part.
Lately however, i've been taking care of myself more, getting back out into the world and finding purpose with life again. And along with my life improving, my views of the world have also started to change.
I came to think that maybe the reason i grew up to be a man that is so intimately aware of how rough life is for us, is so that i can become the change i wish to see in the world. That the next time i find a man who is sad, i have the opportunity to offer him a refuge from a world that is repulsed by his vulnerability, and instead give him a shoulder to cry on. No judgement, only support and brotherly love. And really, every man should treat each other like brothers. We have no good excuse to not do so. Many men would say that life for us is a competition to be the most dominant, the most wealthy, the most capable, and that the reason we can't bond like women is because every man is a potential rival or competitor. But really, why do most men want that level of status. For the most part, theyll say it's to be an attractive partner, and to earn the respect of other men who want the same thing....do you have any idea of how infuriating that is for me to hear!? We spend our whole lives supressing our own emotions and needs until we develop alexithymia, a mental illness that is regarded rightly so with women, but is not with men because it's symptoms are considered virtuos for men in our society, like poison labeled as a vaccine. On top of that, we break our backs trying to be the best at this and that aquire this and that thing, suffering more than millions while literally carrying this society on our backs as we do almost all of the manual labor and get drafted into wars. And all for what? Just so that some girl will like us? Is the only degree of self-esteem and self-love we are able to have for ourselves, directly tied to if some stranger we barely know gives us a compliment or stares at our muscles? Why are men so eager to be the metaphorical equivalents of a wet market for meat, with women objectifying us as much as we do them, as they pick and choose their partners as if they were some boytoy beast of burden. The same ones who tell us to man up and deal with a spider that entered the room while they immaturely scream their lungs out. I refuse to think it any less than a stupid harmful mindset to do anything that should be for our own mental/physical wellbeing and self-care, for the sake of primitive aims towards sexual/romantic validation and gain. That's not the type of world i want to create for my men. I want us to be able to hug and support each other, to cry with each other and love one another, without any insecure man whose not ready for that or any narrow minded woman whose scared of losing her ideal stoic providers, coming around to tell us mockingly how it's gay or weak, as if id ever care if a brother i love is gay or not, hed still be my brother unlike the disqusting miscreants who thinks a sexual orientation is an insult or the state of a lesser human being.
I've begun to realise that being a man is like a curse that's also a blessing in disguise. Things that are provided for easily and even automatically to the other side of the fence, we have to strive towards, but that makes it more meaningful for us when we attain those things. Intimacy amongst men is not expected, and even discouraged. So when some men actually succeed in breaking that suffocating barrier, the bonds that will forge will be deeper and more powerful than any relationship where touch and intimacy is considered more superficial or trivial. A video on social media of a man passionately cuddling with his cat is gonna be arguably more popular than a video about a woman passionately cuddling with a cat. Because the latter is just that, a woman cuddling with a cat. Meanwhile the former is a man who is not afraid to be vulnerable and loving to a creature that is worthy and deserving of said love. And he'll probably cuddle it better than the former to, because due to the way he was raised, it's not an auto-pilot thing for him. He has to deliberately consider and pay attention to every detail from the cat's responses, just like how he has to pay attention to his girls responses in bed while suppressing his own enjoyment as she just lays there. That's just two examples of how we can turn something maladaptive, like a disregard for our own emotions/needs and only worrying about external stuff, into something positive, such as being more loving, caring and nurturing people.
We can learn to love and support each other and be loved and supported by each other more than we would be loved and supported by anyone else.
I urge all my brothers here on this journey to support and love one another, to stop thinking of life as a competition between ourselves and instead think of it as a marathon that you are all pushing each other forward on together. To raise your little boys no lesser than your little girls. Because you know very well how much youve been damaged by having to hide and disregard yourself from even your own parents, who do not want you for the whole package of all that you are and whom you can not go to for literally anything you need from them, when that should be the standard of every family! When your son cries, hes crying for a reason. His emotions are valid and important. Hug him, console him, let him feel your love for him, never make him feel as if his emotions are something he should be ashamed over. Let him consider you as his hero, not just his father. That applies to mothers to, who are just as much conditioned by disqusting and outdated gender-norms as fathers are. We all have a responsibility to break the cycle for the coming generations.
Become better men, raise better men, break the cycle of toxic masculinity that society has you chained up and oppressed in!
It's not womens responsibility to be our therapists, just like how it's not our responsibility to be theirs. Nothing will change unless we take the first step. We cant just sit here and complain without putting our money where our mouths are and take action. Look to your fellow man as your own brother, and teach him how to do the same for you, and i promise you that the future we will create from that, will leave us wanting for nothing!
"The solution to men's loneliness lies with men. "
Yes, because women don't hold the solution. That's the reason. It's very rare for a woman to care enough about a man to be able to provide this kind of intimacy, and it's even rarer to find a woman able to understand men enough for intimacy with her to be adequate to deal with his loneliness.
"Men on the other hand rely on women for the same thing and only in a romantic context and are therefore so desperate for it that women don't want to give it out of fear of the guys getting obsessed or taking it as a romantic gesture and it's just not worth the risk. "
This is true. And at the same time there are women who gay shame for trying to find emotional intimacy with male friends because of their own ego needs. Telling a straight woman she's doesn't attract you can open an really wicked mess. Says this gay man.
I always knew men don't need women, now I have a proof
@@jamesdoyle2769lots of women care enough, but we are often afraid that the touch starved man will read that caring as a romantic gesture and then get upset with us if we’re not interested in that
@@vivvpprof Loving and wanting someone is a lot healthier than needing them.
Caveat is this applies to independent adults. Babies can need their parents without us calling it unhealthy 😝
I was initially against that concept that homophobia was responsible for that, but I gave myself a moment to think about it for a minute. I now realize that I was definitely homophobic in that regard, imma try and do my part to hug the homies more
Love to see it man
Its definitely a contributing factor, social isolation can be hell.
Eat ur cereal 🥣
@@phoggyhugs6690 me too.
You kids are genuinely nuts to attribute male suicide to "homophobia"
I would more so say its the over sexualization of society nowadays, or at least the over sexualization of touch. You see two men hugging in public? They must be together. And I wouldnt say thats homophobia as im not thinking "oh I dont want to hug my friend because that would make me gay and thatd be weird" its more so "oh I dont want to hug my friend cus you dont do that with just friends"
Small difference, isn't it? There's a fear of crossing a boundary, where you put a very high threshold for it to disappear (can only touch when you're both lovers). Fear of being perceived as vs. fear of doing just as.
Yea it's not homophobia, its not wanting to seem emotional and weak.
@x I'm not saying that's how I think of it, im talking about our society 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Yes, exactly this. It's honestly the same on both sides, because men are also either not allowed to have friends that are women or if they do have said friends, them hugging or being at all close automatically means they have to be together or they're weird.
Same thing, different way of putting it. You don't do it with friends because touch is seen as sexual, but if you arent actually sexually interested in your friend then why do you care? You and your friend know it isnt sexual, so why does it matter? There has to be an outside force that is pushing you to feel as though its wrong to do that, and that outside force is homophobia. It isnt that you are homophobic, its that homophobia is so ingrained in society that we will deprive ourself of of our basic needs for our well being so as to not be in the wrong.
I live in a generally conservative country that would be considered homophobic. But guys hugging each other as friends, and even kissing each other on the cheeks as a greeting, is considered normal. Because it's part of the culture here.
I was honestly surprised that in other supposedly more open-minded countries, straight guys don't hug each other because they don't want to be perceived as "gay".
As a woman I do agree with it. I hate how men aren't taught to express their emotions and are told it's womanly to cry. I remember some guys teasing other guy in school and calling him gay because he used to cry. It's just so sad.
Idk if it is related but I feel this is the reason woman are mostly the first ones to initiate divorce or breakup. I read somewhere that women take a lot of emotional burden in a relationship than a man. Like how this person said that women are also responsible for their partners' touch deprivation and I think it's also the same with emotions.
Guys it's okay to cry and express emotions, it doesn't make you weak. I hope the next generation parents won't think like that. ♥️ I have hopes.
Every woman claims they want an emotionally honest man but I've never seen a man get respect from his girl when he actually breaks down into tears. Women are disgusted by weakness
@@10pmmemes88 I am sorry if you have bad experiences before. I hope you will find someone nice ♥️
@@10pmmemes88they do want emotionally honest men
@@10pmmemes88You can either remain pessimistic and keep attracting toxic women with that mindset to become a self fulfilling prophecy.. Or you can take a leap of faith.. Understand that women are human beings capable of having flaws... And become emotionally independent so you don't require a woman's validation to cry..
Grow tf up.. The world is harsh out there for everyone..
@@engineergaming6631I would say that something like therapy may be a good fit for you. And that you should talk to a counselor about if that is something that could be made possible for you. Aside from that, journaling seems to be a good option. If none of that makes sense to you, there is at least one video on this channel that talks about Processing Emotions.
TL;DR: Me and the bros have always been huggers. Nothing more masculine than hugging the dude bros and still feeling secure about own manliness.
Met with an old co-worker today. I got in his car, he slapped me on the knee and was like "So happy to see you again, dude." When we said goodbye, we gave each other a big hug.
Another co-worker gave me the biggest, most loving hug I ever got from another human being in my 31 years of being alive last year, when I got informed, that my grandma had just died while I was at work.
I absolutely understand, homophobia is a problem and I can see, that some men might think hugging another man is gay (literally). I do also think, however, that many men get taught that it's not "manly" to hug another man.
Fuck that, though. There is nothing more manly than hugging it out with the bros, showing love, affection, empathy, compassion for each other and still feeling secure and confident about your manliness and about your sexuality. Whatever that sexuality may be.
Don't forget to love each other.
You get it. Even though I'm not a man I think you're on the right track and you're doing a vital thing to support the men in your life.
100%
Agree 100% but I think you're at the beginning of the change in mindset. I suspect if you look at guys in their early 20's you'll find alot more who think as you do.
I’m the same way. I move around a bit so I have to make new friendships and if the boundaries allows I usually get it the point where I can hug them, but my bois back home. They getting hugged. They family and family gets hugged
@@ak5659what you say is true, my friend group ranges from 17-24 and we all tell each other we love each other everytime we part ways. I’ve always looked at close friendships as the family you can choose. Why not express love to the ones closest to you
Something I found out with my friend group in high school (mostly comprised of women) is that we as men just also don’t affirm each other verbally enough. Like ever since I started being able to say “I love you” to my friends (in a non-romantic way, ofc) I’ve been able to be closer and more emotionally vulnerable to them, along with them opening more up to me. We just need to be more loving as a society ig idk 😅
That's awesome bro, seriously I mean it. But the 😅 emoji is wayyyy too far, THAT is what people are referring to when they say something's gay. Not touching other dudes
😅 - that's gay as hell bro. Just watchin out for ya
@@phoenixmodellingphotography The emoji portraying anxiety is homosexual? You sound like somebody The Boondocks would parody.
@@phoenixmodellingphotographydude you're the problem
I once tried to comfort a guy sitting next to me on a bus. He told me he had been fired and that he would have to struggle to pay rent. He was crying so I put my hand on his shoulder to tell him everything will be okay. He groped me and I had to push away. I don’t feel safe touching men, even if they are good friends sometimes
Yeah. The biggest problem of every men is that they see themselves as the center of everything. So if you are just trying to be nice to men then for them it's somehow about them being special/better than others.
Sad, but men's biggest enemies in this case is noone else but themselves.
I'm sorry you had to go through that ..sometimes strangers can be dangerous..I hope you're doing better and have found a man who accepts your love without harming you..
That's why I stopped touching most people certain ways because their reactions even if your touch is to comfort them or is friendly they get scary and sexual
You're not supposed to touch random emotionally unstable strangers on the bus? This video is about close friends and family
@@Blade.5786 imo, she was just really unlucky. Most people wouldn’t react like that when comforted, even by a stranger. The guy was just a total jerk.
A good hug with the bros goes a long way
I think a big part of it too is so many guys are afraid to show that they truly love their homies bc of this, like guys will joke and everything but I rarely ever see a genuine moment of a man telling his friend that he loves him... That's why I'm not afraid to show my friends I love them bc it doesn't have to be in a homosexual way and I think it's really important...
That’s beautiful 🙌🔥
So true. This is why I love to hang out with my bi/gay friends. They are not afraid of hugging (without the bro slap) and just showing affection and appreciation in general. Of course there are exceptions in straight guys too, but not enough imo! My best friend is gay and fr he is the brother I never had.
Is there anything wrong with the bro slap? I'm genuinely curious, because most of the time I'm not able to give a hug without including the slap (I have to try hard to avoid it). Like are there any negative connotations to not being able to hug without giving a bro slap?
The bro slap is the best part though.
TIL bro slap exists
@@booki230 I believe is because the 'bro slap' requires some kind of strength so it looks masculine, and with women is softer. But are just my assumptions.
@@MrLegion501st That is correct, I get the charm of the bro slap but it does not feel as warm and nice as a regular hug. It’s nice if you have back pain though, just go around and let the bros slap you on the back.
This is why we need to keep encouraging the bromances. I remember me and my college friends were close enough to group hug multiple times a day. It was like having another family. It was so fulfilling and some of the best years of my life.
I'm a woman and I'm touch deprived. A child came up to me in class and started rubbing my back. I felt like crying because I'm touch deprived.
I'm the one giving out the hugs and attending to everyone's needs.
I live to spread HomiePhilia
😂
Fear of homies is a serious condition. Its no laughing matter.
@@metallboy25HomiePhilia is love of the homies. Philia is a Greek suffix that means affectionate love.
The Greeks had several different types of love. Eros is sexual, romantic love, agape is love for your community, and storge is familial love.
Sexual harassment is disturbing and I would break our friendship if you tried to push gay stuff on me
High School Cross Country (2018 grad) was such a family. It was never unusual to come across a cuddle puddle- a bunch of teenages laying like a game of dominoes, perpendicular to each other, heads laid on stomachs, thighs, shoulders, hands being held. We were a tribe, a community, a family. One of the rare things I miss about highschool.
That sounds like a lovely experience, I wish my high school was like that
That sounds Hella gay
@@Pyrostalsame
Oh man, I miss high school cuddle puddles. I had those in theater all the time, and having that amount of relaxed, purposeless touch with another person honestly fixed something in my brain chemistry.
Fuck that bro I always hug my bros especially when we're having a laugh together and it keeps us closer and gives a better connection
This is one of those soap boxes I’ll always climb up on! Glad to hear others acknowledging the problem. Also, I’ve found that pets can do a lot to relieve some of this, as while petting or snuggling a cat or dog isn’t exactly the same as physical contact with a human, I find that it helps at least a little. Definitely what kept me sane during lockdowns 🤷🏼♂️
One of the things I noticed with my partner now from the beginning was how he interacted with his friends. (We actually met playing games and now have lived together for the last three years.) When I first met him we spent a lot of time in group chats playing games with his friends, and every time one of his friends left to go to bed or run to work, etc. he would tell them he loves them. He’s genuinely one of the most masculine men I’ve been with, but this one aspect of his male friendships really hit me and spoke to how genuinely caring he was and continues to be. All of this to say, I think this sort of affection and spoken/felt emotion is so uncommon, but truly is so important.
That's heartwarming ❤
Physical touch is so vital to our overall health.
It's actually the main way apes communicate and socialise. We replaced it with words and rarely compliment one another.
Guys hug your homies, bros hug your bros, sisters hug your brothers, everybody hug your friends and family. Hugs are awesome and make you feel good (when consensual ofc). It's one of the best feelings when someone who you are starting to become friends with, hugs you for the first time. It gives you that feeling of "oh, we're friends now!". When I was younger it would feel weird to me to hug either of my brothers but now a hug hello, goodbye and thank you are so normal to me.
real men tuck in their bros
Touching other people feels like committing a sin in my head. Other people not reacting tells me it was okay. Any reaction warrants an immediate apology.
Unfortunately, no reaction can also be a sign of trauma, that the person has already tried to say no and was punished badly for it, making them afraid to say no or react again. I froze up when a predator touched me because my parents had hurt me so badly for saying no as a child. It's a fear reaction to protect oneself. Sometimes we are even trained to say yes right away even if we mean no because of those beatings.
@@DivineLightPaladin yeah. Over the past month or so I’ve come to the realization that I have childhood C-PTSD. It doesn’t help that I’m broke af but Dr.K, Ted and CCF videos have been helping me understand and deal with it a lot.
genuinely so happy for you that you've figured it out and are seeking the help you need :) good job, man. recovery at first can be real tough, I've got it too so I get it, but allowing yourself to feel the grief and anger and whatever and working through those emotions rather than repressing it helps so much. you feel so much better, maybe not immediately after, but still after a good cry every once in awhile. takes a lot of courage to admit what you have, genuinely proud :)
@@baconbits229 thank you. That means a lot.
Damn man I feel the same. Touching men is bad. Touching women is straight up illegal and I deserve jail.
I would say homophobia in the sense that someone is afraid of being perceived as gay then yes. I think the problem is the over sexualization of our society. We see a lot of things as some sort of romantic gesture or nod rather than purely platonic. Sam and Frodo from lotr is best example.
That’s actually the perfect example.
Social media definitely doesn't help. People seeing a screen with funny words as a substitute to interacting with physical people.
Romantic is not the same as sexual though, and at least where I'm from they associate those gestures to feminity and thus see that weak, which also lead them to think is something "gays" do.
What is Sam and fodo?
I hate people touching me and it might be because of my severe anxiety to everything, but i think having clingy cats and dogs are what helps my touch needs, its very comforting having a furry cuddler
As a woman, I feel the same way. I loved going to my dry-needling physical therapy appointments because it's the only time I've been touched in years, even though the therapist was stabbing me with needles for $200 an hour 😐
Round these parts, we give our homes hugs and remind them that they're loved. I mean if it's true, why not tell them?
I cannot begin to describe the sense of peace you feel when you know that you and yours are there for each other 100%. To not have to second guess the connection you have with your friends is a rare thing - but it also needs to be cultivated.
Sure, for you perhaps. And that's fine. But it ain't like that for everyone.
@@overlordfemto7523i love you bro
As a straight male, I am uncomfortable depending on how you touch me. I don't like to be touched by random men or women.
Shaking hands is different
THIS, only if i trust you abd That’s love. I love my space
My husband’s dad didn’t tell his sons he loved them because “that’s gay.” He’s a very depressed and lonely man in his older years with strained or broken relationships with everyone in his life.
My husband and his male friends tell each other they love each other and give each other hugs for greetings and goodbyes. Huge positive masculinity win ❤️ Break the cycle guys!
Isn't social media a big part to?
Making us feel alone and never be able to have a chance on anybody plus it makes people picky because they only see the good and beautiful getting a false sense of expectations.
That's why I prescribe to the more intersectional way of thinking. Basically, this, what you just mentioned (social media), and a whole bunch of other factors all work together to varying degrees depending on the individual but they all contribute to the shitty things happening
Conversely you can also apply the same interconnected-spiderweb way of thinking to a lot of different topics or bodies of knowledge or even how different and unrelated topics actually influence each other
@@reklom2334 This is a wise way to look at the world. I'm glad you're opening yourself up to seeing the interconnections between all things. It makes the world make a lot more sense - and it makes everyone feel less alone.
That’s definitely one part of the equation. There are many variables not only in this but in a lot of things in life like the two commenters above stated.
Or it might have something to do with dozens of men's issues that have been completely ignored for decades
This is a reason why wrestling and Brazilian jiujitsu are so good, they satisfy primal instincts on so many dimensions
so those things are good, but i dont think they can fix touch starvation.
@@oscarlove4394 i think they can actually
@@oscarlove4394 i guess maybe not for the whole population if thats what you meant.
Oh, they definitely do. You'd be surprised how much roughhousing behavior addresses touch starvation.
@Bruhh true
The amazing thing is that he is not saying this as satire, this is the genuine opinion of a licensed psychiatrist.
Y'all should definitely be posting these short format contents on Instagram and TikTok as well!
Would be great to be able to share them more effectively online that way!
You beat me to it. Agreed 100%.
Very true. And it's not just the physical contact with other men. When is a man allowed to touch a woman (who is not their significant other) without having to fear sexual harassment charges or being seen as a creep. I'm not talking about strangers here, touching between a male and a female friend is immediately seen as sexual by outsiders. And because it is seen as a weakness to be emotionally vulnerable with anyone, they can't even really open up to their partner either, unless they can make it about the woman needing to be touched.
I say I like hugs, and it's more socially acceptable for them to initiate them. I only initiate very occasional hugging with this long-time friend who is very nonjudgmental and lesbian anyways. I do wish initiating touch were more acceptable; I have so much affection to give :/
Yeah but the thing is men aren’t persecuted for simply touching women publicly
If she isn’t personally objecting or resisting then no one would even bat an eye
(Why would a women who has no problem with you randomly try to cause a scene from your physical contact)
Not only this but they’re probably viewed a bit better when this happens since that normally interpreted as them “following societal values” by having a “girlfriend “ (at least what they perceive to be one)
And even though it can come from female partners it’s STILL homophobia
Just in a different context because of how men and women are taught to interpret the same information and values
“Men that don’t act within these confines of masculinity CANT be straight and is “acting” in line with “gay” (inferior) men
Even if they don’t say it like that, it’s the basic premise behind the idea
@@ekkehard8it’s also a bit more complicated when it comes to women and their social boundaries
A lot of them are just conditioned from awful experiences with men and people in general
A lot of people are very uncomfortable or defensive towards physical contact
It does suck when it’s your friend but people just have DIFFERENT boundaries for different people
It doesn’t necessarily mean they value those friends less
As a non-binary person, I miss doing the bro fist with my buddy ol pal 🤜🤛
Oxytocin for days, man.
Physical contact has always been an issue for me. Any physical contact from anyone is deeply uncomfortable to me. After one of my best friends took his own life in 2016, I pushed aside my discomfort and I actively assert physical contact with my friends, my brothers, my cousins. My brother was the most resistant. There was a period of tension we had in 2021 where we nearly fought. Instead of engaging in his aggression, I just wrapped my arms around him and wouldn't let him go until he started to cry. Pain that he had been holding inside for decades came out that night. Physical contact still to this day makes me uncomfortable... but my discomfort is well worth ensuring the mental and emotional health of those in my life that I love.
Great to heard that
I feel this heavily, I have reached out to family, friends and even tried to find an inpatient place that wouldn't just be a pill mill, I as a man have no resources for my mental health with no insurance, each place I've talked to is only for women and children. What am I supposed to do..
Yeah that’s true. I remember when I was in elementary school I was comfortable hugging my own friend but one time my parents / another adult said not to / it was inappropriate. And even now into adulthood I’m uncomfortable with physical affection from anyone that’s not my family. Its not that I find it inherently uncomfortable it’s just I don’t know how to deal with it anymore.
If men are touch deprived and can only get it from a romantic interest... that actually really scary. Because the more deprived they are, the more desprate. That could become dangerous fast.
@@KM_OwO ngl bro that is fucking tragic
Well, for regular men, it isn't dangerous. But for unhinged men, it is.
This is also why men mistake women as flirting, who are kind or compliment them, because they rarely receive compliments from anyone else.
@@spongebobislyfe5906which is tragic bc it makes us even more afraid to touch y'all, making it worse.
It's dangerous for SOMEONE already. Either the man himself as he suffers, or women around him because he'd rather sacrifice their comfort than his own sanity.
@DivineLightPaladin Yep, it's a self-fulfilling cycle
As a feminine man who is a big hugger and experienced some of this...
Ironically, people eager to "make it okay" tend to reinforce the idea that touch = romance in their effort to "debunk" or "call out" this kind of touch between individuals. One side calls you gay like its a bad thing, but the other side calling you gay like its a good thing still makes that touch socially inappropriate for you as a straight man, because that isn't your intention. No one wants to be giving out the wrong signals, no matter your sexuality.
Bro said we killing our selves because we can’t touch each other, this next level
This is another reason why it's great to see a rise in very progressive and open-minded streamers, youtubers and other social media personalities. I know a lot of male streamers (no matter their sexuality or anything else) who are casually normalizing hugging their friends, wearing nail polish, being good friends with women, naming their emotions rather than just exploding in rage etc, and I just think it shows such a healthy mindset for younger viewers especially.
Lol "healthy mindset" most of these guys are BPD narrsasists wtf.
true
Well said.
Or maybe its just the lack of testosterone in young men nowadays that causes emotional instability. I don't know a lot of old men who feel the need to hug each or talk a about their emotions they seem to be a lot tougher and resilient than younger men
@@Bot-xp6kl idk how this is considered a good thing. My father didn't really have friends, super macho "be a man!" type of guy, and maybe on the surface you would think that's good but the people who had to suffer his emotional stunting was the rest of our household. Someone else is always the outlet, you just don't always see it from the outside
As a gay man, I only dap and punch my straight pals to show affection. Any other form of physical touch is sus lol
I bear hug my gay friends. Like full on, hug-it-out shit. They're the only dudes that I can hug like that, so I'm gonna.
@@hal900x Based. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Part of the problem
@@submissivekoala sure, but with so much homophobia around, doing anything else would be a huge threat to his and his pals’ safety
I guess there’s always the handshake hug with a hearty pat on the back? Probably better than nothing
I can feel the effects of this sometimes. I get overstimulated from touch easily so it's hard for me alone to make up for the lack of touch my husband gets from even his own family. I've seen him go in for a hug, a real hug, and get a half assed round the shoulder deal and its not enough
i just need a hug man
💚
❤
❤
❤
❤️
❤️
Even as a girl, I feel so very touch deprived
I thought it was just me, thank god
@@uzumakinaruto9669 Haha don’t worry, we can feel alone together 🥲
@@littlecharizard426 yeah sad life🤝🤝🥲
yep it can be like that sometimes but hold on the fort till you meet the right ppl to touch you! sending you my hugsss :))
@@elise9537 thank you 🥰
That's why you gotta kiss your homies goodnight.
Exactly. This aspect is also tied to toxic masculinity/patriarchy, because not only are we as men not allowed to touch, we’re also told that we shouldn’t need it. We’re meant to abandon human aspects of ourselves to uphold this painful image that benefits no one. That’s literally depressing.
Masculinity and Patriarchy aren’t toxic.
@@gianni206 masculinity isn't, but patriarchal manhood very much is. As a man, I recognize that it holds us back so much. It affects how see other people, and how we see ourselves. Think about why you so many men feel like they can't reach out to people, and why so many men get bit in the ass for letting their soft side show.
@@jordanyoussef3886 Yeah i definitely agree there’s something to that: we should not be hyper-masculine or too strict with gender roles. You are correct to point out that that is a big problem, and probably does add to why men struggle with showcasing vulnerability.
I’d also argue patriarchy is inherently a necessary good since it’s men and masculinity that create most of societies security and safety via assertiveness.
And I think all people subconsciously agree with this when we put extra responsibility on men for:
1. Helping women who need help lifting things
2. Gently walking around women in public spaces
3. “Letting women” have a chance in the workplace and in voting, instead of making women fight for it all by themselves
There’s just this natural inclination in recognizing that men are better when they’re in charge
I’ve seen articles back this up with stuff that showing matriarchies have no inclination for industrial progress or pushing for necessary work (something modern technology blinds us to); or articles showing how (on average) women rulers are far more tyrannical than male rulers
TLDR: gender complimentarianism is based, and we showed respect both genders but not pretend they’re good at the same things
All that said, you do make a good point that men are currently struggling to showcase vulnerability and empathy in our society.
I guess I’d say I personally do not think Patriarchy is the reason for that.
IMO The problem has more with the clash of ideologies + modernity and technology making people more disposable than ever. That’s what’s led to our current male loneliness crisis
So true bestie
I grew up in a very LGBT fixated culture and I realize it damaged a lot of us. Because everything between two guys was assumed to be gay, we had no space to have a close brotherhood anymore and it's always filtered through gay jokes. Not anti gay but joking one of us is secretly gay. I've made a point to break this frame and care for my friends because the loneliness and isolation us straight men endure now is extreme.
Dr. K is right we can only get that care from moms or girlfriends, but most of us have faced constant hostility and coldness from women within our age range even before it gets to the point of asking her on a date. We keep our distance for safety to not be falsely accused or bullied by the woman simply for wanting genuine love and intimacy. So I've seen men form a solitary brotherhood with their closest guys and make it work that way. Though the distance is still there, this is the best we've been able to find. A brotherhood among men who all go through this in silence.
If a woman acts cold or hostile, she probably just wants to exist and be left alone. We're people, too, not sex objects or entertainment sources
That’s homophobia though
It’s doesn’t necessarily need to exclaim that being gay is “bad “ to “follow the social rule”
It’s understood to most men straight or not that being “perceived” in some way as non straight is a means to insult
WHY is it that it’s bad for that assumption ti be made
If it was a female friend they assumed you were interested in would it invoke these same feelings
Possibly but probably not
Because you KNOW that part of the “joke” with being called gay is the implied inferiority associated with men who are gay and any actions that don’t fall in line with “script” most people have for “masculinity”
In a society where being gay isn’t seen as inferior then it wouldn’t be a “joke” to be gay
It also wouldn’t cause discomfort or stigma either
Funny how it’s supposed to be the opposite when gay men are assumed to be straight
It’s implied to be a sort of pseudo backhanded compliment that’s more or less saying “I didn’t expect a gay man to act within the my perception of “normality”
That's not LGBT fixated, that's actually hypersexual heteronormative fixation, a problem with outdated focus on toxic versions of hypermasculinity
If you'd like to understand why: All women have faced constant sexual harassment, being seen as an object. The "coldness" is entirely a defense to protect our bodies from unwanted, life threatening pregnancies where we are discarded for the next young object that isn't pregnant. If you make the mistake of being nice as a feminine looking being, you run the serious and very real risk of losing your LIFE because a man gets an idea. This is not for argument, but to help open your heart to understanding. Once you understand where women and feminine appearing people are coming from, you'll be able to see it's not really ABOUT you at all, and everything to do with the life they are experiencing daily. Don't need to take others protecting themselves personally. They don't know if you are an assaulter, but they have already been hurt by someone before they met you. And they don't want to go through it again.
Very similar, I'm sure everyone can relate to wanting to protect yourself from pain.
@@jerm-gv9rv Simple answer: it hurts to be interpreted as something you don't feel like you are and pressured by feeling like a label or reason for behavior is pushed onto you. This thing pushed onto you might not even see as bad and often you don't. What makes it bad is that it is pushed onto you.
Its an intellectual illness of our time to intepret each and everything as some kind of discrimination or hatred already pre-categorized and most definitely evil. Don't do that.
My pillow was always there for me on those sad nights. Thanks pillow.
This. I’ve always felt like touch (when used appropriately) is such a great way to communicate care, appreciation, understanding and compassion (and much more) to your fellow humans. It’s not only comforting, it’s another way/tool we can use to non-verbally communicate with others. Like, touch can be used to send someone such great messages without so much as saying a word.
I kind of have the opposite issue. I didn't grow up with homophobia, so I always hugged and touched my male friends and they always did the same. If anything, I don't touch my female friends, or women in general. I don't want to make them uncomfortable.
I've followed for a while, big fan, however I STRONGLY disagree. Most of the intimate or "don't show your soft side" discrimination I've faced is female. My mother would say it's ok to talk about anything, yet would always look for ways to turn it on me. My ex's would tell me it's actually attractive to open up, yet when I get slightly emotional or open up about some traumatic experience that they were VOLUNTARILY asking about, they cringe without trying to hide it. Another just cheated, then later complained I was just baggage or weak. Talking to a female friend because she kept pushing for me to open up about a specific incident, and she straight up bellied over and laughed when she heard me even slightly getting serious. People I had known for years, suddenly showing their true colors in just mere seconds. It feels like people know the right thing is to sound validating and welcoming, yet when push comes to shove, they don't because they don't really care. I know they're a different gender and our worlds are very different, but I'd rather have someone just be disrespectful to my face than have someone pretend to actually care about me on a much deeper level, just to pressure me to open up so they can throw my emotions in my face, and even sometimes expose my weaknesses to others as some sort of gossip/entertainment. I know the internet combined with a much harsher and detached culture makes this even worse. It is emotionally draining and scarring when it happens over and over, with a completely diverse group of people. The only times I feel safe to open up is when I'm with male friends, online or in person. We get one another. We've all faced that same discrimination from people we thought were more trustworthy. No one there makes fun of one another or invalidates. Maybe this is a gradually changing culture thing as I'm just 23, but that is simply my experience that I'm sure most men unfortunately relate to.
Not sure if you've looked into that, but from what you've written, your current experiences with romantic partners seem to exactly mirror what you received (and didn't receive) from your mother. We subconsciously look for people who seem familiar, even if what they remind us of (e g. home life) was bad for us. If you're able to, it might be worth looking into the type of people you attract and are attracted to, ideally with the help of a therapist. The world is full of people who are not like our parents, we just need to be ready and willing to find them.
@@MsApocalypseRider I have looked into it, and unfortunately it is not the case. If it was, then this would be a lot easier as I would have found the problem years ago. This is the only thing they had in common, and I didn't find out until we had been together for years and she basically hit me in the face with the "you give me the ick." On most things, these women were the polar opposite. This isn't some rare occurrence either. The friends of mine had happier childhoods and mothers I actually closely hold as my own maternal figures, yet faced the same problems, and were essentially publicly shamed in the exact same ways.
@@ethanesslinger9805 Where are you from? I feel like this is some sort of more specific cultural situation (not necessarily race or nation or whatnot either, maybe just your specific area in wherever you are) because for me and where I happen to live (LA) this seems highly strange and very much not normal. Maybe you are just in an area with a bad community in this regard for some reason
I'm a woman, I've tried creating friendships with other women and I've gotten the exact same results as you when I open up. I did a lot of soul searching and realized my relationship with my mom led to this pattern over and over again. Not sure how I'll fix this without therapy, but I've managed to break some cycles before so I'm hoping for the best. A lesson I learnt was that, one should be very careful who they open up to. Not many people have empathy but some do and they can be safe spaces. Surprisingly, the people who offered me a safe space we men, never really felt emotionally safe with women unfortunately and it's kinda sad.
I've experienced several relationships like you describe. One common attribute is that they would get mad if I didn't share my problems, but then either use it as ammunition in arguments later or get upset about something i told them (just to be clear what I told them was not about them and had no direct relation to them).
One ex would hide her own insecurities by putting me down and undermining my confidence. I stupidly didn't see through that for a few years.
But.. I also had good male friends turn traitor on me over things i told them, so i simply do not open up any more.
On the plus side, it does make me a good listener, because I will keep any secrets told to me to my grave. :)
Like when things were really rough, it was amazing how a simple hand on the shoulder felt so assuring and satisfying. 😭 Like imagine if we touched each other more.
This is why I hug all my friends. They deserve to feel platonic affection and know they’re cared about.
if someone hugged me for a bit too long I'd break down (in privacy of my home of course as I'm incapable of showing emotions publicly)
This, but also the rise of loneliness amongst adult men so even if we're okay with hugging our friends we might not even have those.
Dr. K, I agree homophobia has contributed to less touch amongst males. There are definitely other large factors. I would venture to say that a larger factor would be an overall retreat away from people in general. We live much more isolated as it is due to social media, remote work for those that do that, and an atrophy of social skills leading to fear and anxiety around socializing thereby creating less people interaction. Other factors abound as well I’d guess. But, these factors above are huge. If someone goes around people less and has less motivation to interact then not only is there emotional starvation occurring but also less touch will happen by default of being around less people but then also, less touch between people even when out and about and attempting to socialize because of less skill of socializing. Let’s throw on top of that various campaigns to lessen sexual harassment toward women like the “Me too” movement, gym female IG influencers posting videos about creepy men and the such and some men are down right paranoid of the real and perceived negative consequences of taking/touching women too. It all stacks up. I know you don’t address this in this short but I would think being touch less is not the biggest problem though that men face and that leads to male suicide. Definitely an important issue to discuss. Thanks always for your commitment to these issues.
Holy shit, you just blew my mind. It’s not just touch, it’s any form of non-romantic intimacy (as in closeness and vulnerability) with another man. It’s so hard to be around other men these days. I can’t touch or hug another man other than my childhood friends, who I only see every few years or so.
HealthyGamer this topic about male touch is very interesting because I had a similar theory regarding societal hierarchy in children and its relation with physical touch. So I did a little small experiment where unfamiliar kids where put together in groups and allowed to play rough-house and play wrestle with each other to get acquainted, most didn’t got to that extreme but did play games where they could measure each other like arm wrestle, pulling rope who could run the fastest or jump the highest etc etc . The theory is that when they do that they’re actually exploring the limits of each others boundaries and measuring each others physical strength, experiencing some minimal pain and hurt (its a game after all). This allows them to asses their own and each other’s strength, so that they can sort each other out from strongest to weakest and this clear and concrete hierarchy structure that kids do unconsciously allows them each to fit in on the group in accordance to their position in the hierarchy and their social dynamic were much smoother. What I have observed at least in my very limited experiment was that the groups that played rough and were allowed to be physical with each other where much more organized and effective at working together as a team and completing tasks than the groups who where not allowed to have physical contact. Most of the groups who had no contact couldn’t agree with each other. My theory is that because they couldn’t measure each other, they had no basis of authority for who should follow who and so they all just followed their own ideas. I believe something like that is happening at large in society today. Many people who have never been measured in positions of power and vice-versa. This problem presents issues that are very prevalent in todays climate, like road rages, public meltdowns and just the amount of violent crimes today. Lots of individuals have never been physically hurt by another which gives them this false sense of security and so they do, say and think whatever they want without as much as a little after thought on the consequences of their actions because they don’t have that innate fear because they never asses they’re natural position on the hierarchy. We should allow our children to play rough and we should stop pretending social hierarchy’s are not a thing. Its not as simple as Alpha’s and Beta’s but a ranking system does exist unconsciously and should be researched further. To avoid further decline of societal ethics and to improve social dynamics. I would surmise that the majority people problem today is that they don’t have a clear picture of where they are in the positioned in the scale and so most think they’re below what they actually are because of how they feel and the other majority is so blind to how low they are in the scale that they act entitled and enraged when people don’t treat them like they feel they deserve.
Split this into paragraphs add formatting
@@the_expidition427 prompt for chatgpt
Sounds really interesting, do you know any scientific researches available on this topic?
I have issues with women touching me. It's a trust thing, my mother was awful. That being said the touch starvation also leads to distrust. We can't be fully open with anyone if we can't even hug them or hold their hand.
I have to agree. I see examples of young men being extremely clingy to their female partners. It’s cringy how these young men crowd the women that they are with. I was in a restaurant and a booth designed to seat one person on either side. A young man was in the same seat as his girlfriend. He gave her absolutely no space. She looked very uncomfortable and he did not pick up on her physical cues. It’s a sad state of affairs for men in our society.
Don't forget the effects of abusive touch outweighing positive touch
That... could be PART of it, honestly. I dont know though, shid dude I hug my bros if it's been a long time since last meet. We talk about real shxt. We're pretty transparent with when we're straight up doing wellness checks. We also dont NOT talk about when we're genuinely not vibing with someone in our groups' behavior and make sure we really listen to each other. Does it always pan out? Fxck no. But we get it out there in the air. Usually it's met with "quick bein a girl about it; youre wrong" but then mysteriously not happen anymore or as much anyway, but there's always that mutual respect. Ionno man. You know a guy for long enough and you kinda stop giving af about the bs after a while. By then that's the Zombie apocalypse squad. If theyre doing good the fckn zombie apoc squad is stronger for it. Make sure your bros are really alright sometimes. Dont settle for just a fkn weak axx "I'm good"--"NNAAA fxck that tell me some shxt I can relate to for like 10 mins, emo headass boy!"
Guy in the video is talking about a serious issue though. The mindset: Losing a bro to this kind of thing is always preventable. So, prevent it. Pre-emptively. Dont even give it a chance to set in.
I hug my friends all the time
I'VE BEEN SAYING THIS MY ENTIRE LIFE!!
I've always thought about how women have alot more societal consideration, emotional support, deeper more intimate friendships, are allowed to be as expressive or flamboyant as they want with it being considered cute rather than weird, being able to cry and be vulnerable without fear or reprecussions. That led to alot of envy from my part.
Lately however, i've been taking care of myself more, getting back out into the world and finding purpose with life again. And along with my life improving, my views of the world have also started to change.
I came to think that maybe the reason i grew up to be a man that is so intimately aware of how rough life is for us, is so that i can become the change i wish to see in the world. That the next time i find a man who is sad, i have the opportunity to offer him a refuge from a world that is repulsed by his vulnerability, and instead give him a shoulder to cry on. No judgement, only support and brotherly love. And really, every man should treat each other like brothers. We have no good excuse to not do so. Many men would say that life for us is a competition to be the most dominant, the most wealthy, the most capable, and that the reason we can't bond like women is because every man is a potential rival or competitor. But really, why do most men want that level of status. For the most part, theyll say it's to be an attractive partner, and to earn the respect of other men who want the same thing....do you have any idea of how infuriating that is for me to hear!? We spend our whole lives supressing our own emotions and needs until we develop alexithymia, a mental illness that is regarded rightly so with women, but is not with men because it's symptoms are considered virtuos for men in our society, like poison labeled as a vaccine. On top of that, we break our backs trying to be the best at this and that aquire this and that thing, suffering more than millions while literally carrying this society on our backs as we do almost all of the manual labor and get drafted into wars. And all for what? Just so that some girl will like us? Is the only degree of self-esteem and self-love we are able to have for ourselves, directly tied to if some stranger we barely know gives us a compliment or stares at our muscles? Why are men so eager to be the metaphorical equivalents of a wet market for meat, with women objectifying us as much as we do them, as they pick and choose their partners as if they were some boytoy beast of burden. The same ones who tell us to man up and deal with a spider that entered the room while they immaturely scream their lungs out. I refuse to think it any less than a stupid harmful mindset to do anything that should be for our own mental/physical wellbeing and self-care, for the sake of primitive aims towards sexual/romantic validation and gain. That's not the type of world i want to create for my men. I want us to be able to hug and support each other, to cry with each other and love one another, without any insecure man whose not ready for that or any narrow minded woman whose scared of losing her ideal stoic providers, coming around to tell us mockingly how it's gay or weak, as if id ever care if a brother i love is gay or not, hed still be my brother unlike the disqusting miscreants who thinks a sexual orientation is an insult or the state of a lesser human being.
I've begun to realise that being a man is like a curse that's also a blessing in disguise. Things that are provided for easily and even automatically to the other side of the fence, we have to strive towards, but that makes it more meaningful for us when we attain those things. Intimacy amongst men is not expected, and even discouraged. So when some men actually succeed in breaking that suffocating barrier, the bonds that will forge will be deeper and more powerful than any relationship where touch and intimacy is considered more superficial or trivial. A video on social media of a man passionately cuddling with his cat is gonna be arguably more popular than a video about a woman passionately cuddling with a cat. Because the latter is just that, a woman cuddling with a cat. Meanwhile the former is a man who is not afraid to be vulnerable and loving to a creature that is worthy and deserving of said love. And he'll probably cuddle it better than the former to, because due to the way he was raised, it's not an auto-pilot thing for him. He has to deliberately consider and pay attention to every detail from the cat's responses, just like how he has to pay attention to his girls responses in bed while suppressing his own enjoyment as she just lays there. That's just two examples of how we can turn something maladaptive, like a disregard for our own emotions/needs and only worrying about external stuff, into something positive, such as being more loving, caring and nurturing people.
We can learn to love and support each other and be loved and supported by each other more than we would be loved and supported by anyone else.
I urge all my brothers here on this journey to support and love one another, to stop thinking of life as a competition between ourselves and instead think of it as a marathon that you are all pushing each other forward on together. To raise your little boys no lesser than your little girls. Because you know very well how much youve been damaged by having to hide and disregard yourself from even your own parents, who do not want you for the whole package of all that you are and whom you can not go to for literally anything you need from them, when that should be the standard of every family! When your son cries, hes crying for a reason. His emotions are valid and important. Hug him, console him, let him feel your love for him, never make him feel as if his emotions are something he should be ashamed over. Let him consider you as his hero, not just his father. That applies to mothers to, who are just as much conditioned by disqusting and outdated gender-norms as fathers are. We all have a responsibility to break the cycle for the coming generations.
Become better men, raise better men, break the cycle of toxic masculinity that society has you chained up and oppressed in!
It's not womens responsibility to be our therapists, just like how it's not our responsibility to be theirs. Nothing will change unless we take the first step. We cant just sit here and complain without putting our money where our mouths are and take action. Look to your fellow man as your own brother, and teach him how to do the same for you, and i promise you that the future we will create from that, will leave us wanting for nothing!
Remarkable.
I will try. Thanks for taking your time to share your thoughts about this.
I respect stoic men, but I also understand that the concept can be a bit warped, for a couple reasons you mentioned.
I would say that the term "toxic masculinity" has been so overused by progressives that it's lost its meaning. So even though the term is technically true in some instances, using it can turn people away if you don't give it context first, as it _has also_ been used _against_ men and the well-being of society.
The goat Dr.k
As a kid, my parents would tell me to "man up" when I was upset. They treated my sister with so much compassion, and I'm still bitter about it.
I knew I was trans from a young age, and I clearly remember the time I started growing my hair out, only to have my family insult me and basically force me to cut it. I tried to stop being trans after that, resulting in a decade of worsening depression.
Now, as a trans woman, I desire touch and close relationships, but I still struggle with childhood conditioning.
How do you find it going with female friends ?
"I knew I was trans from a young age" Honest question but what does that mean? Is it a feeling that you have?
Maybe you felt the need to be woman because you saw that your sister as a girl was given everything you needed as well
@@eyescreamcake pretty much iirc
@@eyescreamcake It's the same as any adult knowing they are trans. There isn't some mechanism that prevents children from having an identity and sense of self
I think this is absolutely correct. I would add though. Men are often looking at this in the sense of “What would a woman think if she thought I was gay.” We can recall Janet Jackson’s famous scene in “For Colored Girls” where she is devastated to find out her partner has sex with other men. Carl asserts that just because he has sex with men doesn’t make him less of a man- no matter if he is the bottom or the top.
When you are gay, women stop seeing you as a wolf looking for his next meal, and more like a bestie to gossip with. To be seen as gay is to be associated with all the extra effeminate imagery packed into the community. I do not reference LGBTQ here, as this is an issue that at its heart affects men and gay men specifically. Nobody is all that offended by lesbians, more so just annoyed.
Most normal women on some level DO care that a man has slept with other men, just like how men care if women had a lot of partners. There are diseases to be wary of, and the assurance that a woman won’t be left for another man is out the window. I could not really think of something more emotionally devastating or confusing to a woman than for the man she placed her trust in to choose another man over her. That is exactly why Jackson’s scene is so memorable and powerful. As a gay man, I do not have a high respect other men who do that and hide it from their girlfriends. But I have met those who have hid it for years, had children, and lived a successful married life- at the point where it stops being about “being your self” and more about not breaking the heart of your lifelong partner.
That being said homophobia at its core is created by fear of loss and jealousy. When someone says “homosexuality is an abomination” in the biblical sense, it’s not entirely wrong, because an abomination is something that inspires hatred which is what is happening here. Bible thumpers usually just can’t explain why because they don’t understand the subject and just care about parroting verse.
This all does not mean I think homosexuality is a bad thing, obviously because I am gay myself. But I think we need to have a talk about why it’s a problem with so many men to be afraid of how they are perceived by women. How does this dynamic shift to one where men can have that platonic touch and brotherly love without being labeled or misrepresented?
It's mostly men policing each other about acting 'gay' or 'feminine' in my experience.
Homophobia is actually mostly rooted in misogyny. It's the same reason why men are threatened so deeply by transwomen - the fact that a 'superior' man would want to act or become 'inferior' or feminine threatens their worldview.
IMO wouldn't say it's any more devastating than being cheated on with another woman. I don't see the difference as a bi nonbinary person. A lie is a lie.
As far as not seeing the wolves to meat analogy, I'm still weary, my gay male friends have been very assault-touchy and i see that as the same type of sexual violence that hetero men do, but with a tinge of jealousy, hatred and disgust, rather than the usual tone of overpower, manipulate, conquer and destroy. 😮
Strange take
@@the_expidition427 There isn’t a take I have that isn’t quite different.
It's not about women bro, we just don't like touching ourselves like that
It's a lot of things like lack of intimacy, lack of friends, stressfull job, rejection, hardships, terrible family, illneses and a lot of other things. As a individual you know your struggles and you should strive to fix them.
I've been to a cuddle party last Friday and i felt so much platonic love from people i have never met before, it felt so great and like something inside me is healing. I'll do it regularly!
I'll make it my goal to hug more males I trust in my life, thank you for sharing 💚
just do it in a way that you don't make them develop feelings for you
@@potapotapotapotapotapota That's not under her control and not her responsibility. I get what you're saying but people are going to react how they're going to react no matter what a hug is like
@@ItsAsparageese it is under her control if she makes her intentions clear
@@potapotapotapotapotapota That's not what control means. It's entirely possible to communicate unambiguously to someone, with clear specific wording, what your intentions are, and still have them misread it or end up having feelings that nobody (including themselves) intends for them to form. Yes, it's any individual's responsibility to try to send clear signals and not mixed signals, I'm not disagreeing with that, we should all try to communicate clearly and simply. But the word "control" does not apply here. Nobody can control how others end up perceiving/interpreting things. We can just do our best to give the clearest signals we can. The rest is up to the other person and their unique ideas and mental state. No one can "make" anyone else develop feelings or not develop feelings. That just isn't how agency/boundaries work.
I mean, seriously, there are a LOT of people out there -- not just dudes, but many of them het dudes -- who are so screwed up by society and by unmet emotional need that they really can't hear a "no" as a "no", let alone a "we're friends" as a "we're friends". That doesn't mean there's any extra fault or responsibility on the person who says "we're friends". As a chick who's suffered from limerence myself a couple of times, I get (to a degree) what it can be like to just completely misinterpret signals because one's brain is desperate to believe something different.
@@ItsAsparageese hmm it is a complicated situation