What Leads To Successful Relationships?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 พ.ค. 2024
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Sometimes it better to cultivate resilience than plan on perfect prevention.
Wow... Man that is a great line right there.This is a really good mindset to apply to so many things in life.
I'd rather have a healing ability than medium to high defense with no way to replenish hp
@@xXx_Regulus_xXx thanks for putting it into gamer terms
I think I really needed to hear this. I've always planned perfect prevention, cuz that way I get to control the outcomes. If it goes well, then great, if not, I like to think I'm bracing myself for impact. But the downside is that I absolutely crumble under unplanned "failures", and also be stressed/anxious all the time since I'm always in planning mode for every single thing.
That's a sh!t quote. Because if you already have perfect prevention, then the word perfect means that it is flawless. You don't need to cultivate any resilience?!
And what Thor was describing was probably a breakup due to bad communication aka falsely induced argument - way how to get rid of a boyfriend. Because I've been smoking someone else for 4 months.
Question for Thor how soon did she find a replacement for you?
The real red flag isn't how they behave, it's how they react when you confront them about it. Being able to talk things through is key to relationships of any kind
Depends. Sometimes behavior is the red flag. Plenty of abusive people are very sweet after the fact.
Yeah, everyone can have lots of red flags. Red flags become a problem when you don't acknowledge it and trying to fix it.
If your loved one listens to you, acknowledge there are things that they are wrong and not have a massive ego. Then willing to improve themselves is where a relationship will overcome hardships.
But meh, my relationship is falling apart so maybe i'm the wrong one. What do i know when my relationship is messed up lol.
@@qmt1610 I don’t think you’re bad at all actually, because you’ve done more than many people & actually acknowledge the downsides. So many relationships become toxic because partners delude themselves that what’s happening is fine, or end up just ignoring it & let things build up to a boiling point.
Again, the people you meet, as well as yourself are never meant to be perfect. It’s the ability to be open minded, while being honest with each other, that is super important to maintain, but also not be embarrassed to own up to doing this as well. Again a healthy relationship isn’t a perfect one, I think that’s a misconception. I think a healthy relationship is one where roadblocks may occur in the relationship, but both partners work through it appropriately, not letting things reach that tipping point!
It’s why I personally think couples counselling should be a default for every relationship. Not something to be frowned at. Creating a safe space for you and your partner to release issues that build up is an appropriate way of handling issues before they get bottled up & burst. Being able to feel like you can actually speak on things is so important!
Anyways now, I’m even worse than your situation 😅, I am extremely introverted so I haven’t really had a partner due to personal self doubts, but If I meet someone in person, I think I might make it adequately known that I value a relationship where communication is always respected between either of us. Also sorry for this novel on this comment aha, I write too much 😅😅
@@MySimDied I wouldn’t say abusive is a red flag. I’d say it’s a bear cub, and you can see momma bear right behind it.
This was my experience exactly. First wife together for 10 years married for 7 perfect, never an argument or fight. First time we raised our voices to each other it ended that day. Second wife we've had arguments and disagreements and day's when we just didn't get along. We are about to celebrate our 18th anniversary still going strong.
Yeah knowing how to communicate in those heated moments is good stuff. Last week we got into an argument because i felt like I was walking on eggshells around my partner while organising my dad's funeral. Turns out when I ask neutral questions it comes across to him as if I judge him, like his family would do. And his first instinct would be to say he has everything under control and I should trust him. Being able to openly discuss this afterwards and becoming more and more aware of eachothers internal emotional state brings this deep connection.
Love this example!! I hope you're doing well ❤
That hurts because I used to be like him and back then I thought I should forget about finding a girl. That sort of trauma / paranoia sucks. Good luck, you're a hero
I think it was said in this convo but “you either grow together or you grow apart”. I feel that big time.
Personally I just prefer to have constant communication that way there aren’t any bottled up feelings that erupt things
Part 3 of this conversation is genuinely one of the best conversations that has ever been uploaded to this channel. If Thor became a somewhat regular guest, I don't think anyone would complain.
Which video is part 3?
@@ChannelOfJoris The short is a cut from a big live stream which is split to 3 parts. Go to Dr.K's channel and click Live the videos were uploaded recently so you will find it immediately
Conflict and toxic conflict are two completely differents things, I agree.
Communication, communication, communication you can't communicate to the full extent with somebody that does placate you all the time. Thanks for bringing that out into the attention of the world. Gents and good people
My gf and i have disagreements, debates and hard convos, but we are never FIGHTING with each. There is conflcit, but we manage ut like adults
Congrats !!🎉🎉🎉
Yup! Sometimes I do let things fester but even then I'm able to always discuss it calmly. Another cheat code is dating a therapist 😅
@@Cobalt_11 she's a psych major and I've been in therapy for thirteen years, so we're working with a good basic understanding lol
@@flightlessagbsls it's the best!
That's a really good example of the difference between a healthy version of 'we never fight' and people who've just never meaningfully disagreed with each other. I think that's why some people think never fighting is a red flag; they don't grok that there are more options than 'repression' or 'attack'.
Lots of people fear confrontation because of past experiences or family, which abusers are attracted to
In my experience, what I’ve witnessed is people have a lack of experience with conflict. Often times the only experience is a bad one. Or it’s a perceived bad one they got 2nd hand from a friends perspective or worse from social media. Then it’s the fear of negative encounters that keeps them from ever trying to approach conflict in a healthy manner. It’s really blows, too.
@@Spookdookin yes! That put it into words! Thank you!!
@@VanessaAnn93 🙏
Something I realised with my gf that the conflict we have is usually from having different pasts and viewpoints on things. So when we aren't exactly agreeing on something we take a step back and explain we're we come from. It usually really helps and clears up lots of miscommunication that might have happened. It doesn't happen a lot but still enough that we know what to do
The reason early red flags are a good thing is because you’re not going out of your way to hide parts of yourself in a bid to impress somebody. When you hide things about yourself, they will come out. Best practice is to be open about the things that aren’t so pretty about yourself so it’s not only not a surprise to your partner, but it’s something you can work on together.
The school I trained at calls it rupture and repair. They treat it like a muscle that you can develop in a relationship. There is so much more functionality in a relationship thats able to tolerate rupture and find repair. Because life will bring ruptures. Then relationship can get better and better at that as they develop more resilience, really love this topic great Convo overall.
All successful relationships have red flags early on. All unsuccessful relationships have red flags early on, which cause the couple to break up.
The worry, and growth is always present. The desire to stick it out, and make it work, is not.
It depends on what the red flags are.
Things like needing to communicate better, learning to share mutually agreed upon chore assignments, and learning how to work together to deal with stressful situations can start as red flags, but can be worked on.
Serious red flags are things like just straight up not even trying to be an equal partner and being verbally, emotionally, and/or physically abusive.
I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now and we never argued in the first 6 months of dating. Then my dad started to make me get on him about cleaning his room (when it wasn't even that dirty in the first place) and that's where the arguments started. Now we argue a lot but most of them are just jokes
Your dad probably saved the relationship. That's the kinda thing that keeps things fun and stops it getting boring :D
There were red flags but they were brought up and both parties were willing to listen and work on it 🎉 that’s what happened in my case. Red flags IMMEDIATELY but we were stubborn and wanted the relationship so we started the process of changing the red flags to green! Still working on it but it’s worth every ounce of effort! 🎉 love you David ❤
W you and W david
@@darrenmills3943 W Darren 💪
I feel like having disagreements and discussing/debating them is different to arguing. No good relationship includes fighting.
I feel like arguing is different than fighting
Ya but I think they mean that resolving the argument is a training for both in the relationship. So they know how to better resolve it if there are more serious arguments in the future
No individual or couple is perfect though. People get emotional. Its how you get through it that matters.
I think people carry this negative connotation to "arguing" or "arguments" but it doesn't necessarily have to be heated or violent. It just means opposing views.
This is something I see often where people are too worried about arguing because it is seen as a negative, immediately go on the defensive. It shuts off the brain to other viewpoints and ideas, and that's when arguments go bad. Resolutions only happen when both parties acknowledge each other's perspective and are willing to come to a midpoint.
I think some people class arguments as fights, it's what we call them in England. No good relationship involves actual harm to each other, emotional or physical, but I do think arguments are really healthy. I find it's a good way to get all the stress you have in the relationship out and give you both a reset. It usually then brings about a moment of closeness/intimacy that brings you closer together. And it stops boredom and things becoming too stale/agreeable. Honestly, i always used to like hearing the way my ex said my name in a disapproving way, it was cute.
I'd also add when kids are involved, sometimes parents shield them a little too much from argument. Kids learn by watching what their parents do; seeing that their parents are human, can have arguments, but still come together afterwards in a healthy way is really important both as a teaching moment in how to handle inevitable arguments in their own lives and as an assurance of stability even in the face of heated disagreements.
These types of things are why having bad parents or divorced parents is such a gigantic debuff in life.
This is super accurate. My partner and I had a lot of blow out arguments over insignificant things at the beginning of our relationship. But it taught us how to resolve conflict with each other and gave us the mechanisms to prevent blow-ups in the future. We still have “conflict” but we’re both a lot more prepared to bring things up and work them out than we were at the start
I don't think "arguing" often is good, but a deep conversation about your relationship often is good. Arguments have this toxicity attached to it that doesn't seem very healthy imo. Having an actual conversation without having to shout is better, even if its a little confrontational.
Thor the only guy to go into a convo with healthy gamer and healthy gamer comes out with a better mindset
My wife and I almost broke up a few months into our relationship. We ended up talking it through and it's true, we now follow that guide to get through any conflict. We have been married 2 years now, have had 2 beautiful children and besides the shit economy, life is great.
Can confirm. I saw red flags but they weren't solidly planted but after talking to my girl about them and her mine we worked them out with a few arguments along the way but we know now our relationship is much stronger then it would've been
Me and my gf have both been in shit relationships and haven’t argued for the 2 years we’ve been together. But we joke a lot and sometimes the jokes aren’t just jokes it’s “here’s how you’re fucking up” then we make fun of how little it mattters and stop whatever is bothering the other. We also debate a lot dont yell and that’s helpful. Also we hit each other like a cat does the rapid baps. We playfully do it it doesn’t hurt but in the weirdest way it lets you vent the frustration vs building resentment.
My wife and I had 4 miscarriages in our first year of marriage. We passed the first at home and it was traumatic. She was sick on the toilet, turned around, and before we knew it our first little baby was on the bathroom floor in its intact sack. I took her to the hospital and we buried our child later under a tree.
Our biggest argument was whether we should keep trying or wait on bloodwork and figure out what the issue was. It was a low point for us, but we are closer now then I could have imagined.
Friction happens between people. You work through it, and never, ever stop loving each other.
👌
@@josec8814 bro what
@@samable668he's expressing agreement. Probably with the last sentence.
good luck big guy
I had this relationship not too long ago, it went well and we never fought. One day, out of the blue, she broke up with me, no previous notice. Caught me 100% offguard. After the breakup, we tried to stay friends... we had 2 discussions, they were terrible. On the last, she told me she got a new boyfriend (out of nowhere, and apparently met him like 2 weeks before) and things got heated up. She blocked me then
Sounds like that wasn’t from a lack of fighting, but a lack of any communication about each others’ feelings
Did you talk to her friends about what was going on?
Please don't take this the wrong way but "it went well and we never fought" is pretty common for something that was only going well for one person. Some level of "fighting" is healthy, doesn't need to be a fight or an argument, but there's almost always some kind of disagreement and conflict in a healthy relationship. Because it's natural. Never arguing or disagreeing with a partner really isn't.
I think the reason for this is conflict resolution, which is a great skill to learn how to adapt to have. Plus the chances you meet someone who’s absolutely perfect is so low. You need to have the patience to make a relationship work, while acknowledging there may always be some slight bumps in that road. Talk to each other openly while taking responsibility, encouraging your partner to do the same. Only if issues keep reoccurring constantly & frequently, while you have hiccups that only keep building one after the other, should it be a warning sign that maybe it’s time to collectively separate, or at least take a break at that time!
I don't know why those two collaborated out of the blue but it's awesome
Well they say that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy, so if you don't argue it means you don't love, literally.
If you recognize things that might be issues early, you can figure them out and talk about them, instead of being blinded by the sudden reveal of "bad" things. Like... I am talking about "normal" red flags like "doesn't really listen" or "takes any critique as a personal attack", not "drowning puppies".
Because some ppl might not notice they are doing it until someone brings it up
Told my wife of 20+ years we need to have an argument, as we have genuinely not ever had one.
She said: What the hell you reading now.
Showed her this and had a laugh. I'm not saying it's invalid. Just makes me happy to be in a very open and communicative relationship that I hope everyone can find.
A healthy relationship isnt the the absence of arguing or conflict, but instead a healthy relationship is HOW you handle those conflicts. There WILL be conflict, you just have to be prepared to deal with it in a healthy way.
Thanks for sharing this short with us!
Yea this happened with my last relationship, the whole time I was super open about how we need to communicate with eachother and instead she just kept any small issues to herself until it got to the point of her having a breakdown, dropping it all on me at once without ever giving me a chance to fix the things even after I was very willing to compromise and she just wanted to breakup over it
I don’t know how long you’re together but I tend to keep issues to myself when I start to realise they’re not the one. Usually early in the relationship. It doesn’t really matter if the guy wants to compromise afterwards because the relationship is over when it gets to that stage. Girls will talk to you about stuff if they feel comfortable, always.
What if there’s not really anything to argue about though and we are able to have clear discussions about things we need and want?
Same +1
Then you won the lottery. But still try to figure out how yall argue and resolve conflict
Then when there is something to argue about, it's harder for you both to cope.
And there will be something to argue about. It's unavoidable. And it shouldn't be unavoidable.
@@cousinpatsey2471 you don't need practice arguments, sit down and discuss the issue.
So I think 'you have to make that shit known' is the key wording here. All an 'argument' is, when you get down to it's bare essentials, is a discussion about the things you need and want. The fact that it turns into fights or aggressions is because people bottle that up until it explodes as he said in the video, that is the thing they are cautioning against. Basically you're not doing anything wrong and I'd say that sounds like a green flag to me
Red flags aren't things that you can work through together. Red flags are early signs of abusive and/or manipulative behavior. Things that could get someone hurt for staying.
Right. There's no discussion or description of a red flag and how that differs from a yellow or green flag. Dr K is being disingenuous here.
Is there a single person without a red flag?
@@TheKruthix if you use the wishywashy definition that dr k seems to use, where red flag apparently means things like not loading the dishwasher the right way, then no.
If you use the manipulative/abusive definition, definitely yes
@@TheKruthix Please provide a definition of a red flag.
Man I dunno.@@rejectionisprotection4448
It just depends on each person. You can have successful relationships with little to no arguments if you both actually deal with it properly.
If you both identify the problems early and worked through them together you've solved the biggest hurdle. Mine was similar, perfect until it wasn't, and it couldn't be salvaged.
My fiance and I don't really fight much, if at all, but we very often disagree on stuff and we are both very blunt about our differing opinions.
We had a fight once since I met her which was about something very serious and things got real intense. No raising of voices or anything like that, but definitely much misunderstanding and hurt feelings. The thing that neither of us do is hold each other hostage with 'when you did _____ thing', etc. So when things settle after an argument, either a bit later or maybe the next day we will talk it out and it always results in us learning and growing together.
Conflict itself is not a bad thing. A lack of willingness to learn from conflict is what destroys relationships.
My wife and I had a rough start.
We both had a ton of red flags back then, even in the way we first met, and the more we learned about each other the first couple of months the more we wanted out, but we liked each other a lot, and we pushed. Bad things happened and we overcame every single one of them. It's been 6 years and I can't be more happy nowadays, I love her.
You learn a lot in a hard relationship.
To this day, if we ever have an argument, it doesn't last more than 30 seconds, and then we're laughing like maniacs and making jokes about it.
We are lucky.
There's no need to run away if a problem shows up, learning how to overcome is key. If you run away, one day it'll catch you, if you focus on the issue and speak about it, it'll never be an issue again.
There is so much nuance to this, but its absolutely true that if you never get in arguments, you will eventually and it will probably not be great. My wife and i do pretty good, we dont get mean when we disagree on things, and generally i think we both see it as course-correcting for each other, covering blind spots and such.
The biggest red flag is when there are no red flags. I learnt this well when doing temp jobs and it applies to every relationship.
People will ghost me before we have an argument 😂
There are no relationships without conflict, but there are relationships where people AVOID conflict. Which just means negligence and problems piling up to the point of no return.
Love is learned. This applies just as well to relationships and maintaining them. How can you learn to settle your differences when you don't know the differences you are trying to settle? Keeping your partner in check, and vice versa, is incredibly important to the process of getting to know each other on a foundational level, so that you don't have to pick up the pieces later on when it is too late.
"Never go to bed mad. If you have to stay up all night." This came down from my great grandparents and we have no divorces in the fam on that side. If you deal with the problem as soon as everyone has taken a breath then it has no chance to snowball.
My fiance and I met 7 years ago. We started dating within 5 days of meeting, and I had basically moved in with him (into an RV with his dad, no running water) within that first month. We have hiccups, but we have also learnt how to grow past them in ways that I wouldn't have ever thought to apply. When things get heated, we hold hands. It comforts us, and also helps ground us to solve the here and now, and not run away.
Me and my wife rarely argue, but we used to. Early in our relationship we would snap at some things that were so trivial but it helped us communicate and understand each other that now we get in an argument maybe once or twice a year now, but it's over stuff that's important to the betterment of our relationship, because we also don't yell and scream at each other when we do. We stress over our points, we talk, and then one of us apologizes if we were wrong or started it then we continue on stronger
Watching Dr. k talk with Thor is such a pleasant viewing experience.
Well, this is a rather nuanced topic. First is the fact that people overuse the word “red flag”. There are many red flags that are totally normal things while others that are objectively strongly problematic.
Second, is the fact that usually most people don’t know how to handle conflict and lack of conflict can be attributed to problematic behavior such as suppressing feeling, being a people’s pleaser, and other stuff like that. There could also be the issue that one of the people in the relationship doesn’t know how to handle conflict, and that would be more than enough to create big issues.
When I used to work with groups, part of my job was to make them reflect about conflict and criticism. Many groups, especially women only groups, had the issue of having nothing to report. Since they would need to report something regardless of the actual presence of conflict, I’d ask them to simply reflect and explain why was there a lack of conflict. The usual conclusions were that they were too agreeable, that they were not speaking their mind, that it was early in the group process so they were avoiding conflict in order to create a better atmosphere, and so on. There were also groups that would say that given the similarities of their professional and academic backgrounds, there was little reason to disagree with each other since their knowledge and opinions were the same about the topic at hand, so they were just working according to what they knew, which was the same exact thing.
The key to a lasting relationship is solid communication. Arguments come from people communicating problems to each other. If you never talk about the problems you have then, you're not communicating are you? :)
Dont get scared yall. Basically yall have to communicate and sometimes theres disagreements therefore arguing. What you never want is unnecessary aggressive behavior and confrontational arguing.
Conflict is love.
50%... bro.
me and my gf have never argued per say in the 4 years weve been dating but we have had disagreements. there very similar but still different in one is 2 angry people trying to get there point across the other is 2 people trying to both see the other persons side and have there point be considered
Love this, Thor is definitely one of my fave TH-camrs love listening to his advice on Software Development.
Me, a walking red flag entering a relationship: Man, I'mma make this relationship *rock solid*
That’s how my parents are and they been together for 25 years now.
I imagine it’s because you saw the red flags early, addressed it, and were able to grow/work around it depending on the situation instead of it coming out months/years later and shattering your perspective of them
My current relationship is with a woman who I have been friends with for 13+ years but we only started actually dating a year ago. Her and I don't agree on everything but we also would rather hash out those disagreements in a calm discussion. Neither of us are fearful of accepting blame when we are in the wrong and we also don't hold that over each other's heads. This last year with her has been one of the least stressful in my life and definitely the least stressful relationship. It does scare me because I have only ever known relationships where heated arguments were the only way conflicts were solved until this one and it feels wrong at times despite knowing this is healthier because we are actually listening to each other. Our relationship feels strange to me, it feels both old and new all at the same time. We have tried dating multiple times in the past before this last year but the timing never worked out in our favor. Either I was in a relationship or she was but we never lost contact with each other nor did we foster disloyalty in each other.
My ex was convinced love would fix everything ans when we met our first real obstacle she started to fall apart and became more and more dependent on me. I already have my stuff to deal with. I cant do that and be responsible for her life as well. I knew stuff was wrong and i tried to start the conversations we needed to have since i knew it was hard for her but she kept insisting everything is fine and when she couldnt pretend everything was fine she would say shed talk abiut it with her therapist and everything is ok.
However this is where in at wrong because i should have insisted harder on talking because when she would block me off i just put my faith that love would fix things and shell talk when shes ready
Its no surprise she cheated on me with a guy that she hates. She barely functions now. Doesnt smile anymore. She just rots. Its miserable
Its really easy to bulit a good relationship when you know upfront know the other person' s worst traits
Relationship is mostly about able to tolerate someone over having them for thier best traits
My current bf and I have always made it clear that we aren't perfect together. But since we have had our issues and talked and worked through them together, our relationship is stronger than a "perfect" relationship.
Jordan Peterson and his wife talked about this on his daughters podcast a while back. Pretty much, nobody ever agrees on everything, and if there's no conflict that means that someone is not trying to negotiate for themselves and just accepting the other, which builds resentment. Relationships are filled with negotiation, so when a couple is willing to hash things out early on, you know that both parties aren't going to let themselves be walked on and they can learn to negotiate.
The best relationships are where you argue little and often. I find a lot of people let things build up, so the arguments are huge, or they just never argue which i think gives some sort of instinctual feeling that they don't care or that the relationship is boring, which is hard to shake. With my best ex, we both irritated each other with stuff we did like leaving things lying around and would argue, but it was good, little and often, kept things interesting, never felt like a bad relationship.
It gets the red flags outta the way.
My gf, now mother of my twins, used a picture from when she was much younger (of age, mind you) and slimmer and, even though, what I saw when first we met, was not the image I expected, we:be made it this far and will probably never split.
My wife and I don't argue in an explosive way. We are really good at having hard talks though. We got really good at that while dating. We intentionally did a lotnof hard conversations. So, I definitely disagree that you have to argue, but I agree that you have to have conflict resolution skills.
i CANNOT emphasize enough how much this is true. A powder keg just went off in my life and now have two less friends because of it
when I meet new people I pay closer attention to things I don't like about them in order to figure out how close I would want that person in my circle
gotta sometimes stick thru the rain and thunder for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow
That’s several people in my family and I hate it. Can’t have arguments because none will allow it so a lot of pain goes unhealed. Creates a lot of division. The amazing thing is my family has a super power. An amazing power of giving & forgiveness so we end up communicating simply because of the “forgive and forget” but I think it’s unhealthy. If you can’t argue then there’s nothing there to fight for
That power of forgiveness is really common in families/people that don't have healthy relationships. Not saying mentally healthy people don't forgive, but it's common for people who aren't to forgive things they shouldn't, or for people who do horrible things to expect things to be okay the next day etc. Generally it's healthy to talk about problems, and it's healthy to allow some kinda healing from hurt without instantly forgiving, you never properly process things that way.
@@MySimDied
Exactly, can’t heal hurt by ignoring it. I already know what will happen
This family is completely dependent on my parents. When they go all that hurt is going to implode. I’m working on being as stable as possible before that happens.
it’s nice to find someone who can see that. It’s like a breath of fresh air. Thank you
@@yapsonark407 Ah you too, very similar boat :). I agree, you can just work on your own stability and do the best you can. Look after yourself.
The red flags earlier mean it's a problem to solve to help build and typically mean it's more genuine since they aren't trying to be perfect and acting or putting on a facade
Red flags early on CAN BE good. But if there’s NO red flags, that’s not good. Sometimes it’s lose/lose
I used to intentionally start arguments with my girlfriend, even when I knew I was wrong, to practice apologizing and help boost her confidence. Initially, she wouldn't engage in the arguments, so I would return an hour later, tell her I had looked it up and that she was right, and then apologize. Over time, this helped her build the confidence to stand her ground when she believed she was right, and now I no longer need to have these fake fights.
Interesting. That might be good for making sure your agreeable partner isn't feeling steamrolled. My ex was super agreeable and I am kind of naturally domineering, so she would just bottle things up and release them as spite. Things got really toxic. Might try this if my next gf is really agreeable.
You are just making her use to you being wrong, it could backfires later in the relationship. If the goal is simply to make her gain confidence dont worry, time will do, you dont need to rush things
@filazkeita2272 I understand your concern, and I've thought about it, I don't lose all the time, but even when I'm right, I find a reason to apologize, maybe I was a bit too harsh, perhaps I cut her off, just because I'm right there is no reason for me to be rude to her. No matter what the argument is, there is no way you will ever be 100% right, and so there is always something to apologize for.
Arguing is not always a bad thing and I wish people didn’t freak out when it happens. You can talk while being angry. Always finish an argument. Don’t name call. If someone reverts to personal attacks call them out it’s not okay.
yep, absolutely
"You don't love me anymore"
That's what happens when you don't tell her what you truly want.
When she's starting an argument, fight her.
Don't do it out of spite, fight her because you value yourself.
That way she knows that you will keep on fighting for the betterment of your future family.
real shit
It DEPENDS on the red flags! This statement should be qualified. Abuse, such as physical, substance or financial etc isn't a red flag to tolerate in any form to any degree. Exit left.
Correct me if I'm wrong but if it's roughly half, doesn't that indicate a neutral relationship with red flags? So could it be that red flags aren't the point but the green flags? Like negotiation, patience, open communication, etc?
Yeah kinda. He makes the point in other videos that the biggest thing is commitment and investment, but the specific point here is it's better to test things early. You want to deal with possible failure points in the relationship as early as possible.
I feel like this almost exactly hits home but not sure me and my ex never fought or really had any problems or conflicts but once college started and we didn’t have time for each other we kinda both realized we had to split up since we were at different school, are you saying if we had more red flags we likely could have made things work or been more willing too ? 🤔
Yeah that's literally me, I'm incapable of handling conflict or any emotions whatsoever
Hoo boy, the number of times I tried telling this to my ex is enough to make my head spin. Ironically, it caused an argument.
I don’t really argue with my partner but we usually try to find common grounds on things and I tell him things that bother me and vice-versa, he is there for me when I need and I’m there for him when he needs
So things don’t get to bottle up and explode
Been through this
My wife is extremely conflictive and I'm extremely stoic in the face of conflict. I sort of chose her in part because she is so damn good at fighting for what she wants, while I'm good at keeping a level head.
I think we make a great team and have had tons of fights. Specially at the beginning. But I still often have this feeling like if we break up everyone will say "well, those were obvious red flags, dude"
I'm glad there's at least a couple of based bros who would give me the benefit of the doubt
I think its also more about what red flags😅
And you figure out that you actually like each other, maybe love is going into it, so you work on those red flags together.
You should do podcast with Prakhar ke Prawachan
Gotta be careful though because some ppl use this as an excuse saying it's OK to yell at each other and have toxic arguments as "healthy" rather than actually try to understand how to communicate with each other in a way that promotes healthy, open discourse.
"it was real bomboclat"
All my relationships have been this way so far.. blew up at the first actual problems we encountered
That used to include friendships as well, it got better now but my life fight is basically stop avoiding conflict because it leads me down paths that seem mellow and easy when in reality it's just a time bomb waiting to explode everything
Rn dealing with this at work with my boss, but I'm done being a victim to conflict avoidance. It's hard but I'm doing my best to get out of this hell loop, wish me luck
This will never be my struggle 😅
You heard it here guys if you eat people just be up front about it!
My SO and I have been together for around 6 years now, and while we don't generally "fight" we still have disagreements and talk through the problems we deal with. I really don't know how much I'd classify them as arguments, more discussions, if that makes sense?
God.... This sounds like My current relationship right now...
Having a "red flag" helps you understand your partner ain't perfect, and you both have to compromise to keep the relationship going. And I mean compromise as agreeing to minimal things that help balance out, not stuff like "stop seeing everyone and anyone' kinda stuff
To be fair toxic relationships with early red flags wouldn’t have people who agree to go to counselling, so for him to say that 50% of the couples he sees had red flags at the start isn’t as strong a point
No that's not really true. Most people are garbage in their twenties, and most relationships start then. You might have two wonderful dedicated people who are just trash at taking care of each other.
no fucking way we got this crossover LETS GOO
Relationships with early red flags have the same success rate as the ones without? Interesting.