Me! As I am practicing acknowledging seeing, hearing, understanding, and accepting him where he is at (especially when I am triggered and would go into fight mode), he is then feeling safe enough to show up and try to do the same (versus stonewalling and shutting down).
I waded through two marriages, 25 years and 17 years. Both could be terminated when I grew out of the relation through a counselling when my partners refused to participate in mediation. Family making skills are no longer inborn or acquired through childhood experience The family paradigm has moved and needs to be reinvented and more than half the world population is unable to spontaneously assume family life which is inevitably the nest for nurturing future world citizens. Not seeking help is not only a fault for our own lives but also for the future generations. Judges should not accept a request for divorce before one whole year of mediation has been undertaken by BOTH partners There is there is the story of this guy who went to see a mediator and told him that his wife was putting arsenic in his food. The counsellor laughed and told him to bring his wife so that he could hear her version. After an hour the counsellor let the wife go home and called back the guy and told him: if I were you I would take the arsenic. PS this was before Thaïs started coaching
Hi! Sooo, I've been in pds almost 2 years, taken some courses, leveled out abit(equilibrated) I still get triggered on things, but mild, not as strong. I love this stuff! Been soo helpful in many ways! Im fa, wife is da, she didn't want anything to do with it at first, started listening, checking into it, softened. She signed up but not interested in doing the work. ..she'll put up with it, but it seems to bother her.kinda like.... go ahead do your silly little thing if it makes you feel good... but I'm not participating... almost like she feels it's beneath her... Kind of hurts my heart alittle bit , but I see improvement in myself, soo I'm im going to keep on keepn on! Thankyou for all the effort getting this out here for us.. been a game changer for me! God Bless Seems
My DA wife and I are becoming more involved and responsive in our relationship by understanding and addressing our individual core wounds… hers being feelings of being trapped, cornered, helpless, and vulnerable, as well as trauma triggers of “not good enough” and “shame”. HER DA needs are for personal autonomy, choice, and space to think/feel for herself… withOUT pressure or shame! MY AP core traumas are abandonment or being misunderstood, being misrepresented as “bad” (I’m not)… and my AP needs are for reassurance, respect, encouragement, and emotional connection. It’s a bit early yet, but we seem to be having a breakthrough, in no small part due to HER willingness to do the work. ☝️🙄👍
Thank you. This is very similar to the ideas I had in my head, but you verbalize it so much better. I sent it to my avoidant partner. I’m hoping he will try with me. If he’s not willing to participate, then I guess there’s nothing left for me to do but move on. I can’t live life anymore with my heart bleeding out all the time.
How very true Being secure is something to construct together from the onset and throughout family life and not a choice between good and bad partners. When chaos arises the remedy is not regretting past choices, but finding the right path for the future before things get out of hand.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm about to have a convo w/my ex about whether or not to try again and this will be my roadmap if we do. I so appreciate the work you do Thais. God bless you!!
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool unfortunately he didn’t honor the time we agreed to talk, and then he called me at a time I previously communicated I couldn’t talk. So we didn’t speak. He’s not showing up in any way or making any effort. 😕I have done a couple of Thais’ courses which have helped me stick to my boundaries. Thank you for your work Thais!
Bless you for your endless dedication and compassion with your content and work. I found your channel when I desperately needed knowledge and comfort and you provided both of those things. Grateful to you, grateful for you!
This is useful for being in a healthy relationship. It clears the air and adjusts expectations. It also gives concrete examples of expressing needs and wounds. Thank you for this and other videos you've made.
I’m currently in the dating stage with an FA he started pulling away and I had told him I understood his need for space. But he said he was okay and then began cancelling plans and wanting to spend less time together, I confronted him when he stood me up and that sent him into deactivating. I reached out and let him know I did not think he was a bad, he said he did want to talk about things but wasn’t ready. It’s been a month now… think he’s gone lol
Yep, I attempted to reach out again see where he would be at. Asked how he was doing. he engaged with conversation about how things were going. Then I directed the conversation to talking about the conflict we had and if he was ready or needed more time, he avoided the question, I re directed the question and even offered my apology for that situation and even offered the option of me just leaving him alone and not reaching out if that’s what he needed… he didn’t respond and disappeared again. I believe it is time for me to detach from this person, does not seem ready to take this seriously.
Perfect timing for us....although in my case I will have to sneak this in. We are both FA, in the process of starting over. I needed some space to realize that this was the case and that I was the one who started the downward spirals. There will still be things that trigger me but I'm realizing that every issue that made me want to run away could have been fixed. I already know his core wounds, but I'm still figuring out mine. For both of us, being married to the wrong person did a lot of damage. There are a lot of issues that I'm hoping will resolve themselves because we are so much alike in our needs.
Eye opening .. now I know.. will definitely refer back to this video.. how my life with my partners could have been different.. looking forward not back!❤
this one seems incredibly practical! thank you. Clear actions to try, with another person. (only difficultly might be identifying core wounds when there are complex tangles to unravel, but I imagine you'd get there thru doing practicing this in a relationship over time)
Can you please do a video at some point about how FAs can cope with being around people who don't just "get" it? I find that un-traumatized people simply lack the ability to keep up with me, is it because they lack the depth? Is their empathy just namesake? It's like they've never felt what I've felt, their emotional range feels stunted or unexplored because they never went through anything. How does an FA go about expressing needs to someone who doesn't even know what they're doing, being loved or comforted by someone like that just feels so superficial. Like, do you even know why you need to hug me? Why does being around these normal people cause so much anger? How to make it stop?
@@henryzhao4622 I don't think you're appreciating the depth of the OP's post. I think the OP does do that, but they end up thinking "is that it? Is that all there is to it?". Like it's too simple to be right, so it gets really confusing and makes you end up questioning why you see things so differently. In a way, doing that ends up being even more alienating, so some advice for this would be extremely helpful.
@@catherinebrayford7747 thank you for how well you put your understanding of my post! See this is what I mean!! Others (non-FAs) don't have this ability to just "get" what I'm saying. It's like they are experience the world in 500 colors whereas we are experiencing it with 1000 shades. Everytime I talk to a normie, it's like I have to lose half of myself. Thank you for making me feel so seen and understood 🥰
@@Mississippian It's okay, I've actually been harassed by 3 people these past few days while I'm in the process of moving, so some kind words are really welcome. I don't think I was always FA. I think I was DA, but when my mom died it got even worse because we actually did connect in her last year. T he past 5 years have been my journey coming out of it. It's really strange but, random people seem to attach to me like I'm their mother. I don't know if you've experienced something similar. I don't know how to stop it, other than to stay away from people, or stop being nice. But I don't want to do either. Like no matter how well we get on, their projecting and poor communication turns things very sour. Not everyone, but enough. I do think when it comes to love, there are a lot of people who feel entitled to it. Perhaps FA's understand that while everyone deserves it, no one is entitled to it?
It took for me to date an insecure anxious man for me to really take 2 steps back on how to communicate my needs. The big one was learning to see when it’s being executed or that effort is being made in their way.
I love this video. I’m looking forward to sharing with my partner soon. I have a side question about why the attachment style test changed? I remember taking it before and it gave me percentages of each attachment style that played a role in my being. It was helpful to me because I was able to take it every month or so and see if they had been improving but now it’s saying that I’m securely attached only but I know I was leaning way more anxiously preoccupied before and way less secure. I’m appreciative of the message after the test results that speak to needing to be mindful of the partners you choose etc because it is subject to change person to person though.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Just took it, I didn't see %'s. Just a single result. Secure, but i know my triggered secondary is anxious. It would be nice to have an idea to what degree secure, and what degree anxious. Love your videos by the way, you are far and away the best at explaining it.
The present day neo liberal framework & individualistic discourse does not want us to ask, aside from doing self- care, self-development, the greater environment each individual lives in also affects the individual & so there are a greater n° of factors that affect an individuals perception but we will keep reinforcing the discourse of putting 100% weight on the individual & too bad if they weren't lucky enough to get good therapists to attend them when they aren't feeling well, cuz of so many extreme situations they've have to go thru, its all good as long as the system & frameworks continue & this rotten machinery we"re all enforcing gets richer & richer but many suffer dearly & die totally disempowered.
genuine question please respond🥲 what if my partner thinks hes not thriving enough by being in a relationship?? so he would rather not talk about it but still try to be friends but just no romance
![[UNCUT] The Loyal Pin ปิ่นภักดิ์ EP.4 (4/4)](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/d3l5rxl5CVo/mqdefault.jpg)
Who is currently in a relationship while doing the work to become Secure? What shifts have you noticed?
Me! As I am practicing acknowledging seeing, hearing, understanding, and accepting him where he is at (especially when I am triggered and would go into fight mode), he is then feeling safe enough to show up and try to do the same (versus stonewalling and shutting down).
That's so amazing, thank you for sharing that and cnograts! @@lucytownsend1176
I waded through two marriages, 25 years and 17 years. Both could be terminated when I grew out of the relation through a counselling when my partners refused to participate in mediation.
Family making skills are no longer inborn or acquired through childhood experience
The family paradigm has moved and needs to be reinvented and more than half the world population is unable to spontaneously assume family life which is inevitably the nest for nurturing future world citizens.
Not seeking help is not only a fault for our own lives but also for the future generations. Judges should not accept a request for divorce before one whole year of mediation has been undertaken by BOTH partners
There is there is the story of this guy who went to see a mediator and told him that his wife was putting arsenic in his food. The counsellor laughed and told him to bring his wife so that he could hear her version. After an hour the counsellor let the wife go home and called back the guy and told him: if I were you I would take the arsenic.
PS this was before Thaïs started coaching
Hi!
Sooo, I've been in pds almost 2 years, taken some courses, leveled out abit(equilibrated) I still get triggered on things, but mild, not as strong.
I love this stuff! Been soo helpful in many ways!
Im fa, wife is da, she didn't want anything to do with it at first, started listening, checking into it, softened. She signed up but not interested in doing the work. ..she'll put up with it, but it seems to bother her.kinda like.... go ahead do your silly little thing if it makes you feel good... but I'm not participating... almost like she feels it's beneath her...
Kind of hurts my heart alittle bit , but I see improvement in myself, soo I'm im going to keep on keepn on!
Thankyou for all the effort getting this out here for us.. been a game changer for me!
God Bless
Seems
My DA wife and I are becoming more involved and responsive in our relationship by understanding and addressing our individual core wounds…
hers being feelings of being trapped, cornered, helpless, and vulnerable, as well as trauma triggers of “not good enough” and “shame”. HER DA needs are for personal autonomy, choice, and space to think/feel for herself… withOUT pressure or shame! MY AP core traumas are abandonment or being misunderstood, being misrepresented as “bad” (I’m not)…
and my AP needs are for reassurance, respect, encouragement, and emotional connection.
It’s a bit early yet, but we seem to be having a breakthrough, in no small part due to HER willingness to do the work.
☝️🙄👍
We can do a lot of work inside the relationship!
Thank you. This is very similar to the ideas I had in my head, but you verbalize it so much better. I sent it to my avoidant partner. I’m hoping he will try with me. If he’s not willing to participate, then I guess there’s nothing left for me to do but move on. I can’t live life anymore with my heart bleeding out all the time.
Did he participate?
How very true
Being secure is something to construct together from the onset and throughout family life and not a choice between good and bad partners.
When chaos arises the remedy is not regretting past choices, but finding the right path for the future before things get out of hand.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm about to have a convo w/my ex about whether or not to try again and this will be my roadmap if we do. I so appreciate the work you do Thais. God bless you!!
Me too ….. he is in a relationship now as a means to soothe him yet it is a toxic relationship ..
Good luck! Let us know how it goes! ❤❤
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool unfortunately he didn’t honor the time we agreed to talk, and then he called me at a time I previously communicated I couldn’t talk. So we didn’t speak. He’s not showing up in any way or making any effort. 😕I have done a couple of Thais’ courses which have helped me stick to my boundaries. Thank you for your work Thais!
Bless you for your endless dedication and compassion with your content and work. I found your channel when I desperately needed knowledge and comfort and you provided both of those things. Grateful to you, grateful for you!
You're so welcome! Thank you for such a nice comment ❤
This is useful for being in a healthy relationship. It clears the air and adjusts expectations. It also gives concrete examples of expressing needs and wounds.
Thank you for this and other videos you've made.
You are so welcome! ❤
I’m currently in the dating stage with an FA he started pulling away and I had told him I understood his need for space. But he said he was okay and then began cancelling plans and wanting to spend less time together, I confronted him when he stood me up and that sent him into deactivating. I reached out and let him know I did not think he was a bad, he said he did want to talk about things but wasn’t ready. It’s been a month now… think he’s gone lol
This sounds like a painful experience. Like Thais says, both folks have be willing to show up and put in the effort.
Yep, I attempted to reach out again see where he would be at. Asked how he was doing. he engaged with conversation about how things were going. Then I directed the conversation to talking about the conflict we had and if he was ready or needed more time, he avoided the question, I re directed the question and even offered my apology for that situation and even offered the option of me just leaving him alone and not reaching out if that’s what he needed… he didn’t respond and disappeared again. I believe it is time for me to detach from this person, does not seem ready to take this seriously.
@@David5005fulYou might want to redirect your search to a woman dude.
Sorry this happened to you. You deserve someone who’s ready.
Perfect timing for us....although in my case I will have to sneak this in. We are both FA, in the process of starting over. I needed some space to realize that this was the case and that I was the one who started the downward spirals. There will still be things that trigger me but I'm realizing that every issue that made me want to run away could have been fixed.
I already know his core wounds, but I'm still figuring out mine. For both of us, being married to the wrong person did a lot of damage. There are a lot of issues that I'm hoping will resolve themselves because we are so much alike in our needs.
Eye opening .. now I know.. will definitely refer back to this video.. how my life with my partners could have been different.. looking forward not back!❤
I feel like THAT is the video I was missing! Thank you so much
you're welcome!
this one seems incredibly practical! thank you. Clear actions to try, with another person.
(only difficultly might be identifying core wounds when there are complex tangles to unravel, but I imagine you'd get there thru doing practicing this in a relationship over time)
Can you please do a video at some point about how FAs can cope with being around people who don't just "get" it? I find that un-traumatized people simply lack the ability to keep up with me, is it because they lack the depth? Is their empathy just namesake? It's like they've never felt what I've felt, their emotional range feels stunted or unexplored because they never went through anything. How does an FA go about expressing needs to someone who doesn't even know what they're doing, being loved or comforted by someone like that just feels so superficial. Like, do you even know why you need to hug me? Why does being around these normal people cause so much anger? How to make it stop?
Yes, please follow this up!
Best way is to think about someone else’s feelings once in a while.
@@henryzhao4622
I don't think you're appreciating the depth of the OP's post. I think the OP does do that, but they end up thinking "is that it? Is that all there is to it?". Like it's too simple to be right, so it gets really confusing and makes you end up questioning why you see things so differently. In a way, doing that ends up being even more alienating, so some advice for this would be extremely helpful.
@@catherinebrayford7747 thank you for how well you put your understanding of my post! See this is what I mean!! Others (non-FAs) don't have this ability to just "get" what I'm saying. It's like they are experience the world in 500 colors whereas we are experiencing it with 1000 shades. Everytime I talk to a normie, it's like I have to lose half of myself. Thank you for making me feel so seen and understood 🥰
@@Mississippian
It's okay, I've actually been harassed by 3 people these past few days while I'm in the process of moving, so some kind words are really welcome.
I don't think I was always FA. I think I was DA, but when my mom died it got even worse because we actually did connect in her last year. T
he past 5 years have been my journey coming out of it. It's really strange but, random people seem to attach to me like I'm their mother. I don't know if you've experienced something similar. I don't know how to stop it, other than to stay away from people, or stop being nice. But I don't want to do either. Like no matter how well we get on, their projecting and poor communication turns things very sour. Not everyone, but enough.
I do think when it comes to love, there are a lot of people who feel entitled to it. Perhaps FA's understand that while everyone deserves it, no one is entitled to it?
Incredibly helpful; thanks for sharing all of this, Thais.
You're welcome! ❤
It took for me to date an insecure anxious man for me to really take 2 steps back on how to communicate my needs. The big one was learning to see when it’s being executed or that effort is being made in their way.
This is really valuable! Thank you so much for sharing this!
❤
This is very good thanks
Thank you so much. I took notes!!!
Thanks again for sharing this video. And good night to you
You are amazing & love your content! Well Done 👏🌟🙏
#LongLiveThaisGibson
#AP
plus
#DA
=‘s
#LotsOfWorkToDo
So helpful
wow this is really awesome. i wish i knew this a couple months ago..
I am sorry we were a month late for you! ❤
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool its all good. It is what it is. Better for the future
This is really great advice! I feel like I have the perfect partner to do this with.. So how do you identify your core wounds?
Still feels impossible.😢
I love this video. I’m looking forward to sharing with my partner soon. I have a side question about why the attachment style test changed? I remember taking it before and it gave me percentages of each attachment style that played a role in my being. It was helpful to me because I was able to take it every month or so and see if they had been improving but now it’s saying that I’m securely attached only but I know I was leaning way more anxiously preoccupied before and way less secure. I’m appreciative of the message after the test results that speak to needing to be mindful of the partners you choose etc because it is subject to change person to person though.
This one should have the percentages if you want to bookmark it :)
attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/quiz
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Just took it, I didn't see %'s. Just a single result. Secure, but i know my triggered secondary is anxious. It would be nice to have an idea to what degree secure, and what degree anxious. Love your videos by the way, you are far and away the best at explaining it.
did you this one?
attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/
this should have percentages
@@whycomes9562
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Tried it again, and it worked this time with %'s. Thanks!
Thank you so much.
❤
well if the relationship is extremely toxic; then you are probably dealing with a narcissist, not a dismissive avoidant.
The present day neo liberal framework & individualistic discourse does not want us to ask, aside from doing self- care, self-development, the greater environment each individual lives in also affects the individual & so there are a greater n° of factors that affect an individuals perception but we will keep reinforcing the discourse of putting 100% weight on the individual & too bad if they weren't lucky enough to get good therapists to attend them when they aren't feeling well, cuz of so many extreme situations they've have to go thru, its all good as long as the system & frameworks continue & this rotten machinery we"re all enforcing gets richer & richer but many suffer dearly & die totally disempowered.
... annoying ( less talk
Use rope, just like the thumbnail.... Got it.
Sorry, but your vocal fry is really difficult to put up with. Hope I can last all the way through.
genuine question please respond🥲 what if my partner thinks hes not thriving enough by being in a relationship?? so he would rather not talk about it but still try to be friends but just no romance
Let him leave don't even be friends. Find someone who actually likes you
☕️