FA’s here doing the work, please just dont read comment sections on these videos! Dont let the hurt of other people take away from your healing and growth - youre doing a great job working on yourself!
thank you!! I am very much an Internal FA; I have been working on myself my entire life and tend to self abandon in relationship more than anything else.
Many that felt hurt by the behaviour of FA will expect them to change or blame them but this usually do not work and will tend to backfire. What I found that works is learn not to become too attached to the idea of them, also to respect what's important for you and also for them. Many of the FA prefers to take direct order/request and would love to know how their actions have negatively/positively impacted the relationship and would try to change. FAs are empathetic humans, they are highly sensitive to the emotions of others and also to criticism. Let them know how their behaviour has done you wrong but never tie their behaviour to their identity. You are allowed to have the freedom choose how you want to behave and change into a person that they need you to be, they too, will need to have the freedom to choose how they want to behave as a person and if they are willing to do it for you. Insecure behaviour and defense mechanism is learnt throughout our lives, it will need some time for us to unlearn these habits.
Avoidance is a learned coping mechanism. Once the fear is triggered is goes somewhere from clingy over-pleaser to I don't like being a clingy over-pleaser and the only way to regain some inner stability is distance. And distance could mean I still show up every day, but not with my heart in it. It's almost that I try to convince myself not to overreact. Distance then turns into physical distance. Until I can get understanding (Me making sense of a situation), Transparency (And please facts, not what you think I want to hear or see/ I can make my own decision based on true information), Don't be shifty, Words = Actions, I catch you in a lie = I need distance! And distance to my person is agonizing, but still the MUCH better option versus staying quiet or being dismissed again. Really - It's pretty simple!
I hope you do more videos on the early dating phase. A lot of videos out there tend to lean to the longer term and not so much building up the early phase of communication.
Your speech on the alcoholic FA really pin points what I went through. After listening to this video, it's clicked that even though I know avoidants distance themselves, I now see the hot/cold is because she shared small bits of vulnerability. Maybe reaching out or asking for something (just examples), so then internally, i guess she was waiting for the other shoe to drop because her childhood, as i know, was an abusive environment when things were shared.
Hiya. Resident FA here. I have a new girlfriend, and I’m proud to say that because I’ve been working on myself very strongly for the past 4 months, I fully trust her. I fully trust her, I watch signs in myself and her, and we ask each other questions that lead to deeper connections. We also have told each other that we know there will be differences and issues that come up, but we’ll get through them together. I love her so much. And it hasn’t even been that long. It’s not limerance. I entered with extreme caution 😂. I’m definitely patting myself on the back because my life has been FA 100% to the letter, and I finally feel like I’m more secure than anything else. And I owe a large portion of my progress to your videos, Thais. So thank you.
As a FA myself, this gives me hope. I’m tired of being accused of or only finding resources for “how to get over limerence” that may or may not use that terminology…when the reality is that I’ve been forcing myself to try and work on my FA especially as it relates to IRL social connections that I have to deal with for long periods of time + forming friendships (and…apparently romantic attraction) that seems to have the potential for “sticking around, actually understanding me” and…yeah. That’s extremely triggering. Hell it was triggering for someone else, too, who also seems to be FA since we either skipped right over the “honeymoon” phase while stubbornly insisting and trying to enforce Friendship vs Romance for our own reasons either direction (there are many, and even more underneath what we did share with eachother while also not admitting the attraction but talking around it several times…) and straight to a pretty intense power struggle period Despite always talking to eachother respectfully and eventually talking the misunderstandings out. Like. People who are not FA just do not realize how this IS self work, and requires practice and patience from the persons who inadvertently trigger it. If it weren’t, there’d be the Infatuation Of An Idea of a person, objectifying their appearance, or projecting a Perfect Life onto them-there’s not. If anything, there’s been the Fear that’s what my friend thought I wanted, and I had to finally admit just how deep my trust issues with people wanting to even have a friendship vs pitying or manipulative aquaintanceship with me (and that the only environments we share also trigger me, so spending time with me that way would require patience as I do desensitizing work) before I Think we’re finally at an understanding that can mostly lay all this to rest and move forward. Just. Doing interpersonal work…requires other people. And it is EXTREMELY messy with FA/cptsd at play.
Best practice is learning to love the FA and their inner child wounds- to communicate from a place of understanding/empathy. If not possible, it’s going to be difficult to employ tools, practices, and trust imo.
OK, am I reading this correctly... you are saying to love them BECAUSE of their wounds, meaning that is what they feel defines them? And if so, if they avoid intimacy or vulnerability, how are we able to understand what these are and what they need? And likewise, if FAs keep on and off behaviors and pushing us away or pulling the rug out from under us when we try to get close, I mean...? Doesn't any of this fall on the FA?
@@artfuladjunct8224 not ‘because’ of them, but as we all love our partners idiosyncrasies, this is theirs. And it poses a different, more difficult problem if it’s a triggering attachment style. Understanding the ‘why’ behind how they emotionally behave the way they do is everything. Loving their wounded inner child and communicating/behaving with understanding (this works both ways) yields a better relationship.
@@artfuladjunct8224 And yes there is a difference between abusive behavior like complete emotional neglect/emotional abandonment/lack of empathy and them feeling overwhelmed because of closeness and needing to pull back (within reason) to feel safe. Boundaries for you will be your guiding light, and if they’re unwilling to listen to you or get on the same page when you express your feelings, it’s incompatible. Having dealt with this, I know well having my own boundaries with behavior could’ve saved me some time and heartache as my partner was unwilling to listen to anything I had to say regarding how it made me feel. Just my opinion on the subject, take it with a grain of salt! Wish the best of luck to you 🩵
My FA ex, didnt trust I could meet her financial needs. Never communicated what she wanted, just expected things "to be" instead of working thru issues together
Thank you so much for what you do, Thias. I see tremendous change in myself growing from my past traumas. I am grateful to find this video to work more on myself. Will you be doing this topic for AP? I feel like not accepting my worth and self-love, I don't trust people, and I feel like a burden
FA here. AP girlfriend WAY too demanding of my time, attention. I need my alone time. My fault for being an extremely poor communicator and didn't bring this up. I got mad and dropped her when she got tired of my push pull behavior. Can't say I blame her. I gave her NO communication and I own that.
Good on you for owning it. Maybe you could get her back someday if you apologized to her exactly like this. If not, maybe you will have better luck communicating next time.
Is not always about trust. Is that some people are programmed to self sabotage or self destruct. And it is better to stay away from them. Or they take you down
OMG, bam! When did I meet you? You’ve got my childhood of being raised with 2 daytime stable, but not after 7:30 PM alcoholics, 1 of them a wounded warrior parent, and 5 sibs, (4 bros., 1 sister,(+ often as many as 8 dogs), in an middle upper, U.S. neighborhood, growing up nailed!
Maybe you were put in the DAs life by the Universe to help them heal? Maybe you help each other heal? That’s a great relationship - friends, family, or lover.
When was it discovered that someone is a Fearful Avoidant? I met a woman in 1984 who I think had that, but I had never heard of it at the time. When I look back now I see signals.
You speak more of trust in terms of maybe not showing up a certain way. What about repeated infidelities/cheating? How does an ever FA heal and learn to trust when their spouse repeatedly breaks trust by crossing the line?
Not delusional. We are scared to let others in to see us in our vulnerability. It is painful, and we won't let you in until we know we can trust you. This can take a very long time. ( It took me 4 years with my bf.) Why? Because Everyone in our past has hurt us, has not understood us, or has actively abused us. We know you don't get it, but we hope you will be the one person who does, the one person who is strong enough to endure the tidal wave of fear and pain breaking over us. We hope you won't run, even though we want to run from ourselves. Again, FA are not delusional, but terrified, hurt, hiding. We are like abused puppies, who want to be pet but suffer in pain when we are. We might snarl or even bite... but for the rare person who sees us for who we are underneath it all, we are very loyal and loving partners. You have to show us that it's worth facing our demons and will be beside us in that battle to reap the rewards.
@@asafselevanay1330 It is selfish, self-centered, and abusive. They may have some sort of cognitive empathy and a sensitivity or reaction to other people's emotions, but I fear they do not exercise compassion as they should in their relationships. They seem unaware of what they leave in their wake. I applaud those who recognize the pain that their trauma causes them and others and seek to heal.
@@lisafalk-bourjeili1357 Yeah, this is the concept of the “perfect partner.” It’s also delusional. No one who is emotionally healthy will tolerate the constant emotional abuse that someone who is dismissively avoidant dishes out. Expecting to find “the perfect one” that weathers YOUR storm instead of trying to stop the hurricane is INCREDIBLY selfish and lacking in understanding exactly how much devastation you do. Dogs aren’t hardwired inversely for love.
Us more anxious leaning fas often rush towards connection without actually getting if the person is a good fit for us. Once things get consistent and less thrilling, we look around and realize that we have no idea how we got here, and that we never really wanted the person to begin with. At least, until we begin to heal our patterns. I became more of an avoidant fa over time, and have learned to drop the scarcity mindset and do a better job vetting for real connection without just rushing in. Now I really long for consistency and boredom in my relationship. I wanna hit the bliss phase.
Literally fought with my fa gf yesterday after almost a year over the fact that I have a 2nd passport lmao. We never talked about this subject and then it came up but now she said she couldn't trust me and she felt like she didn't know who I was lmao. I do everything by the book for so long and then she blows a minor & positive thing out of proportions. She even said us being together for 1 year doesn't matter when her trust is broken. Wut?? This is def not worth the dedication.
@kylel4971 as an FA, your job is not to do everything by the book but to be your authentic self. When issues come up, an FA is triggered by all the distrust they have from the past. An FA can think they trust you completely, get triggered, and it all goes out the window. You become just another person who lacks good intention, and they were stupid to ever let their guard down. Expect this. Ultimately, it is not about you. They are experiencing their past in real time. She will have to work within herself on choosing faith in you when that seems too painful... when it is easier to be alone. What has worked with me is a quick, calm reassurance from my bf that he loves me and has no ill intention paired with an invitation to continue to talk later. He will not engage when I am triggered. We have never fought. He established the boundary early on of mutual respect in tone, word and deed. I have tried to meet that always. His ability to set clear boundaries has enabled me to begin setting my own throughout various relationships in my life. I never had any before. It has taken a long time and a lot of inner work, and him showing up time and again when I expected him to just walk away. I had no idea how deep my distrust of all humans went until he came into my life. What made the difference is his patience, loyalty, character, AND my choice to do the work to heal. I may have parts that remain broken, but I can trust him now and parent myself instead of leaning so hard on him to be my anchor.
@@lisafalk-bourjeili1357 thank you for that detailed response. What I meant by doing everything by the book is exactly what you described. When she backs away, I let her take her time and I know she comes back. We also never really argued it's just that it pains me to hear that after all this work, one small thing can trigger her and ruin everything. What happens if we're married 10 years ahead and another thing like that happens and she just runs away? Trust comes from seeing me being persistent in your life and supporting you, but she doesn't seem to see that. She's just waiting for a trigger to throw it all away which if happens at a later stage could be much worse
@kylel4971 while I cannot give any real advice, I can say it has taken nearly 4 years to build deep trust. It was a very slow transition. Looking back, I was horrible during the first years. It is a wonder he did not walk away. I had no idea how hurtful my behavior was. That, all to say that there is hope but change will not come quickly. I would also say that if her behavior is hurting you, you need to tell her. If there is no apology or effort to change, it probably will not get better. You deserve to be loved in a healthy relationship.
Lol I have been getting these comments a lot lately! I plucked my eyebrows too much back in the day and they are thin. I don't know how to do them properly but it is on my shortlist of things to figure out! I will watch some tutorials one day soon :)
I did the same, but I’ve found castor oil really is helping them grow back! 😃. Also you can get eyebrow stencils now, you just fill it in, could be worth a try? 😘 And you are still beautiful, remember that! 😊 @@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool
I'm not saying it's a cakewalk. However, if you can't accept the person, where they're at, with some grace/kindness/understanding, and be willing to work with them... This probably isn't the attachment style for you.
Fearful avoidants are essentially covert narcissists... Why do we feel the need to constantly compartmentalise further groupings of people into infinitum? Work on yourself, treat people with kindness, if they don't take accountability, you cant do it for them. But do it for yourself. You dont have to be a martyr. Trauma isn't a good enough reason. Break the cycle, and don't get into relationships unless you've fixed big issues.
how did you come to that conclusion? I found this article called "An attachment perspective on psychopathology" which suggests: "Attachment research has also shown that attachment insecurities are associated with pathological narcissism (e.g., 35). Whereas avoidant attachment is associated with overt narcissism or grandiosity, which includes both self-praise and denial of weaknesses 36, attachment anxiety is associated with covert narcissism, characterized by self-focused attention, hypersensitivity to other people’s evaluations, and an exaggerated sense of entitlement 36." link: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3266769
I’m FA and I don’t necessarily agree, although I went through some years being very narcissistic:( Dismissive avoidance seems more related to narcissism to me
@@rahbones7020 narcissism is built into us, from birth. We must cry and care about getting our way, to survive. Somewhere along the line we hopefully learn that diplomacy is useful for us, and we negotiate within our groups, because it benefits us either directly, or because we face fewer consequences by fawning or appeasing whatever social hierarchy we're in. It's not that self preservation is a negative thing, but negotiating traumatic responses that cause us to be avoidant or dismissive or aggressive. I'm just not sure what the whole point is splitting the atom, constantly. I've known people that are almost happy to refer to themselves as "having" BDP, yet dislike being referred to as a narcissist, even though they are both cluster B personality disorders... There are so many crossovers between PTSD, NPD and BPD that it seems like a good way to turn a quick buck and make up a new diagnostic reference including dismissive, avoidant, or... Highly sensitive and whatever the next one will be. This appears to only further dilute and confuse people with linguistics. The core aspects don't change though. Consider that other people are other people. Uplift them, be honest, face consequences and take accountability both for what you do, or don't do. Or... Stick a label on yourself and say "I can't because of this thing". It's a diagnostic reference to describe a collection of behaviours. Disallow yourself from referring to yourself as FA. Instead notice that the descriptions fit your behaviours, and learn how to do things differently.
![ALLY - OH MY! [ REACTION ] 'Amarin Nitibhon' #ALLY_OHMY #ALLY #allynitibhon #แอลลี่](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/nX9qpHjVfbQ/mqdefault.jpg)
FA’s here doing the work, please just dont read comment sections on these videos! Dont let the hurt of other people take away from your healing and growth - youre doing a great job working on yourself!
yes!!!!! you should only run away from an FA if they're unwilling to work on things
thank you!! I am very much an Internal FA; I have been working on myself my entire life and tend to self abandon in relationship more than anything else.
The projection makes you all look pathetic. The “hurt of other people” opposed to your frail mindset is a wild cope😂
I wish AP's spent more time on their own development instead of blaming and being abusive towards their avoidants.
😊 yes
I appreciate you. #Minigame 😂
Many that felt hurt by the behaviour of FA will expect them to change or blame them but this usually do not work and will tend to backfire. What I found that works is learn not to become too attached to the idea of them, also to respect what's important for you and also for them.
Many of the FA prefers to take direct order/request and would love to know how their actions have negatively/positively impacted the relationship and would try to change.
FAs are empathetic humans, they are highly sensitive to the emotions of others and also to criticism. Let them know how their behaviour has done you wrong but never tie their behaviour to their identity.
You are allowed to have the freedom choose how you want to behave and change into a person that they need you to be, they too, will need to have the freedom to choose how they want to behave as a person and if they are willing to do it for you.
Insecure behaviour and defense mechanism is learnt throughout our lives, it will need some time for us to unlearn these habits.
This. 100%
Avoidance is a learned coping mechanism. Once the fear is triggered is goes somewhere from clingy over-pleaser to I don't like being a clingy over-pleaser and the only way to regain some inner stability is distance. And distance could mean I still show up every day, but not with my heart in it. It's almost that I try to convince myself not to overreact. Distance then turns into physical distance. Until I can get understanding (Me making sense of a situation), Transparency (And please facts, not what you think I want to hear or see/ I can make my own decision based on true information), Don't be shifty, Words = Actions, I catch you in a lie = I need distance! And distance to my person is agonizing, but still the MUCH better option versus staying quiet or being dismissed again. Really - It's pretty simple!
I hope you do more videos on the early dating phase. A lot of videos out there tend to lean to the longer term and not so much building up the early phase of communication.
Your speech on the alcoholic FA really pin points what I went through.
After listening to this video, it's clicked that even though I know avoidants distance themselves, I now see the hot/cold is because she shared small bits of vulnerability. Maybe reaching out or asking for something (just examples), so then internally, i guess she was waiting for the other shoe to drop because her childhood, as i know, was an abusive environment when things were shared.
Hiya. Resident FA here. I have a new girlfriend, and I’m proud to say that because I’ve been working on myself very strongly for the past 4 months, I fully trust her. I fully trust her, I watch signs in myself and her, and we ask each other questions that lead to deeper connections. We also have told each other that we know there will be differences and issues that come up, but we’ll get through them together.
I love her so much. And it hasn’t even been that long. It’s not limerance. I entered with extreme caution 😂.
I’m definitely patting myself on the back because my life has been FA 100% to the letter, and I finally feel like I’m more secure than anything else.
And I owe a large portion of my progress to your videos, Thais. So thank you.
As a FA myself, this gives me hope. I’m tired of being accused of or only finding resources for “how to get over limerence” that may or may not use that terminology…when the reality is that I’ve been forcing myself to try and work on my FA especially as it relates to IRL social connections that I have to deal with for long periods of time + forming friendships (and…apparently romantic attraction) that seems to have the potential for “sticking around, actually understanding me” and…yeah. That’s extremely triggering.
Hell it was triggering for someone else, too, who also seems to be FA since we either skipped right over the “honeymoon” phase while stubbornly insisting and trying to enforce Friendship vs Romance for our own reasons either direction (there are many, and even more underneath what we did share with eachother while also not admitting the attraction but talking around it several times…) and straight to a pretty intense power struggle period Despite always talking to eachother respectfully and eventually talking the misunderstandings out.
Like. People who are not FA just do not realize how this IS self work, and requires practice and patience from the persons who inadvertently trigger it. If it weren’t, there’d be the Infatuation Of An Idea of a person, objectifying their appearance, or projecting a Perfect Life onto them-there’s not. If anything, there’s been the Fear that’s what my friend thought I wanted, and I had to finally admit just how deep my trust issues with people wanting to even have a friendship vs pitying or manipulative aquaintanceship with me (and that the only environments we share also trigger me, so spending time with me that way would require patience as I do desensitizing work) before I Think we’re finally at an understanding that can mostly lay all this to rest and move forward.
Just. Doing interpersonal work…requires other people. And it is EXTREMELY messy with FA/cptsd at play.
You just posted a comment two weeks ago about your wife. How do you have a new girlfriend if you are married?
@@Nono38-jj1tk he sure did . .... what the heck
Best practice is learning to love the FA and their inner child wounds- to communicate from a place of understanding/empathy. If not possible, it’s going to be difficult to employ tools, practices, and trust imo.
OK, am I reading this correctly... you are saying to love them BECAUSE of their wounds, meaning that is what they feel defines them? And if so, if they avoid intimacy or vulnerability, how are we able to understand what these are and what they need? And likewise, if FAs keep on and off behaviors and pushing us away or pulling the rug out from under us when we try to get close, I mean...? Doesn't any of this fall on the FA?
@@artfuladjunct8224 not ‘because’ of them, but as we all love our partners idiosyncrasies, this is theirs. And it poses a different, more difficult problem if it’s a triggering attachment style. Understanding the ‘why’ behind how they emotionally behave the way they do is everything. Loving their wounded inner child and communicating/behaving with understanding (this works both ways) yields a better relationship.
@@artfuladjunct8224 And yes there is a difference between abusive behavior like complete emotional neglect/emotional abandonment/lack of empathy and them feeling overwhelmed because of closeness and needing to pull back (within reason) to feel safe. Boundaries for you will be your guiding light, and if they’re unwilling to listen to you or get on the same page when you express your feelings, it’s incompatible. Having dealt with this, I know well having my own boundaries with behavior could’ve saved me some time and heartache as my partner was unwilling to listen to anything I had to say regarding how it made me feel.
Just my opinion on the subject, take it with a grain of salt! Wish the best of luck to you 🩵
My FA ex, didnt trust I could meet her financial needs. Never communicated what she wanted, just expected things "to be" instead of working thru issues together
Her financial needs? What the hell... Are you a wallet? It's a narcissist you lost. Doesn't matter.
Need to find someone who wants you for WHO you are, not WHAT you have. Unfortunately, this is very difficult to find these days. 🥲
Your content has been so helpful!! I wish I had this information years ago!!! I'm 50, better late than never!!!
Thank you so much for what you do, Thias. I see tremendous change in myself growing from my past traumas. I am grateful to find this video to work more on myself. Will you be doing this topic for AP? I feel like not accepting my worth and self-love, I don't trust people, and I feel like a burden
FA here. AP girlfriend WAY too demanding of my time, attention. I need my alone time. My fault for being an extremely poor communicator and didn't bring this up. I got mad and dropped her when she got tired of my push pull behavior. Can't say I blame her.
I gave her NO communication and I own that.
Hi ive just gone through this with my ex of 5 years i was only to keep the connection
Good on you for owning it. Maybe you could get her back someday if you apologized to her exactly like this. If not, maybe you will have better luck communicating next time.
I was waiting for this video’
This is interesting. I had a conversation last week with an FA I'm interested in and the talk illustrated the points in this video perfectly
Is not always about trust. Is that some people are programmed to self sabotage or self destruct. And it is better to stay away from them. Or they take you down
So helpful xx
OMG, bam! When did I meet you? You’ve got my childhood of being raised with 2 daytime stable, but not after 7:30 PM alcoholics, 1 of them a wounded warrior parent, and 5 sibs, (4 bros., 1 sister,(+ often as many as 8 dogs), in an middle upper, U.S. neighborhood, growing up nailed!
Excellent video 🤍
Maybe you were put in the DAs life by the Universe to help them heal? Maybe you help each other heal? That’s a great relationship - friends, family, or lover.
I was anxious, but I think I became FA. Judgement just throw me off, I can't trust someone who's judgemental. I want a partner not an enemy.
Yea,he said he didnt trust anyone. 2.5 years and out of the blue dumped me.
Painful. NC for 2 weeks now. His loss
When was it discovered that someone is a Fearful Avoidant? I met a woman in 1984 who I think had that, but I had never heard of it at the time. When I look back now I see signals.
You speak more of trust in terms of maybe not showing up a certain way. What about repeated infidelities/cheating? How does an ever FA heal and learn to trust when their spouse repeatedly breaks trust by crossing the line?
Oh no not the “T” word lol. It’s just too hard. I need deep work
❤❤❤❤
Which course can I use to learn more about trust with a FA?
How do you create trust if the other person cheats and constantly walking on eggshells?
you dump cheaters.
And you learn to love yourself so you can express your needs without the fear of losing yourself
@@Leispada Yeah but these cheaters are everywhere with social media.
You talk very fast. :)
when they don't communicate with people and expecting people to read their mind. that's delusional
Extremely delusional. There's no helping that way of thinking.
Yep!
Not delusional. We are scared to let others in to see us in our vulnerability. It is painful, and we won't let you in until we know we can trust you. This can take a very long time. ( It took me 4 years with my bf.)
Why? Because Everyone in our past has hurt us, has not understood us, or has actively abused us.
We know you don't get it, but we hope you will be the one person who does, the one person who is strong enough to endure the tidal wave of fear and pain breaking over us. We hope you won't run, even though we want to run from ourselves.
Again, FA are not delusional, but terrified, hurt, hiding.
We are like abused puppies, who want to be pet but suffer in pain when we are. We might snarl or even bite... but for the rare person who sees us for who we are underneath it all, we are very loyal and loving partners.
You have to show us that it's worth facing our demons and will be beside us in that battle to reap the rewards.
@@asafselevanay1330 It is selfish, self-centered, and abusive. They may have some sort of cognitive empathy and a sensitivity or reaction to other people's emotions, but I fear they do not exercise compassion as they should in their relationships. They seem unaware of what they leave in their wake. I applaud those who recognize the pain that their trauma causes them and others and seek to heal.
@@lisafalk-bourjeili1357 Yeah, this is the concept of the “perfect partner.” It’s also delusional. No one who is emotionally healthy will tolerate the constant emotional abuse that someone who is dismissively avoidant dishes out. Expecting to find “the perfect one” that weathers YOUR storm instead of trying to stop the hurricane is INCREDIBLY selfish and lacking in understanding exactly how much devastation you do.
Dogs aren’t hardwired inversely for love.
I thought consistency made them run?
Us more anxious leaning fas often rush towards connection without actually getting if the person is a good fit for us. Once things get consistent and less thrilling, we look around and realize that we have no idea how we got here, and that we never really wanted the person to begin with. At least, until we begin to heal our patterns. I became more of an avoidant fa over time, and have learned to drop the scarcity mindset and do a better job vetting for real connection without just rushing in. Now I really long for consistency and boredom in my relationship. I wanna hit the bliss phase.
Literally fought with my fa gf yesterday after almost a year over the fact that I have a 2nd passport lmao. We never talked about this subject and then it came up but now she said she couldn't trust me and she felt like she didn't know who I was lmao. I do everything by the book for so long and then she blows a minor & positive thing out of proportions. She even said us being together for 1 year doesn't matter when her trust is broken. Wut?? This is def not worth the dedication.
@kylel4971 as an FA, your job is not to do everything by the book but to be your authentic self. When issues come up, an FA is triggered by all the distrust they have from the past. An FA can think they trust you completely, get triggered, and it all goes out the window. You become just another person who lacks good intention, and they were stupid to ever let their guard down. Expect this. Ultimately, it is not about you. They are experiencing their past in real time. She will have to work within herself on choosing faith in you when that seems too painful... when it is easier to be alone.
What has worked with me is a quick, calm reassurance from my bf that he loves me and has no ill intention paired with an invitation to continue to talk later. He will not engage when I am triggered. We have never fought. He established the boundary early on of mutual respect in tone, word and deed. I have tried to meet that always. His ability to set clear boundaries has enabled me to begin setting my own throughout various relationships in my life. I never had any before. It has taken a long time and a lot of inner work, and him showing up time and again when I expected him to just walk away. I had no idea how deep my distrust of all humans went until he came into my life. What made the difference is his patience, loyalty, character, AND my choice to do the work to heal. I may have parts that remain broken, but I can trust him now and parent myself instead of leaning so hard on him to be my anchor.
@@lisafalk-bourjeili1357 thank you for that detailed response. What I meant by doing everything by the book is exactly what you described. When she backs away, I let her take her time and I know she comes back. We also never really argued it's just that it pains me to hear that after all this work, one small thing can trigger her and ruin everything. What happens if we're married 10 years ahead and another thing like that happens and she just runs away? Trust comes from seeing me being persistent in your life and supporting you, but she doesn't seem to see that. She's just waiting for a trigger to throw it all away which if happens at a later stage could be much worse
@kylel4971 while I cannot give any real advice, I can say it has taken nearly 4 years to build deep trust. It was a very slow transition. Looking back, I was horrible during the first years. It is a wonder he did not walk away. I had no idea how hurtful my behavior was.
That, all to say that there is hope but change will not come quickly.
I would also say that if her behavior is hurting you, you need to tell her. If there is no apology or effort to change, it probably will not get better.
You deserve to be loved in a healthy relationship.
I love you and you help us a lot, you are beautiful and intelligent, but those eyebrows 😱
Lol I have been getting these comments a lot lately! I plucked my eyebrows too much back in the day and they are thin. I don't know how to do them properly but it is on my shortlist of things to figure out! I will watch some tutorials one day soon :)
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool you are wonderful th-cam.com/video/u_ClPvwK7QI/w-d-xo.html
Just try softening the corners
I did the same, but I’ve found castor oil really is helping them grow back! 😃. Also you can get eyebrow stencils now, you just fill it in, could be worth a try? 😘
And you are still beautiful, remember that! 😊 @@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool
But the trust is mostly on their side ..They're the ones that create a trust issue
I'm not saying it's a cakewalk. However, if you can't accept the person, where they're at, with some grace/kindness/understanding, and be willing to work with them... This probably isn't the attachment style for you.
Fearful avoidants are essentially covert narcissists... Why do we feel the need to constantly compartmentalise further groupings of people into infinitum?
Work on yourself, treat people with kindness, if they don't take accountability, you cant do it for them. But do it for yourself. You dont have to be a martyr.
Trauma isn't a good enough reason. Break the cycle, and don't get into relationships unless you've fixed big issues.
how did you come to that conclusion?
I found this article called "An attachment perspective on psychopathology" which suggests:
"Attachment research has also shown that attachment insecurities are associated with pathological narcissism (e.g., 35). Whereas avoidant attachment is associated with overt narcissism or grandiosity, which includes both self-praise and denial of weaknesses 36, attachment anxiety is associated with covert narcissism, characterized by self-focused attention, hypersensitivity to other people’s evaluations, and an exaggerated sense of entitlement 36."
link:
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3266769
I’m FA and I don’t necessarily agree, although I went through some years being very narcissistic:(
Dismissive avoidance seems more related to narcissism to me
@@rahbones7020 narcissism is built into us, from birth. We must cry and care about getting our way, to survive.
Somewhere along the line we hopefully learn that diplomacy is useful for us, and we negotiate within our groups, because it benefits us either directly, or because we face fewer consequences by fawning or appeasing whatever social hierarchy we're in.
It's not that self preservation is a negative thing, but negotiating traumatic responses that cause us to be avoidant or dismissive or aggressive.
I'm just not sure what the whole point is splitting the atom, constantly. I've known people that are almost happy to refer to themselves as "having" BDP, yet dislike being referred to as a narcissist, even though they are both cluster B personality disorders... There are so many crossovers between PTSD, NPD and BPD that it seems like a good way to turn a quick buck and make up a new diagnostic reference including dismissive, avoidant, or... Highly sensitive and whatever the next one will be.
This appears to only further dilute and confuse people with linguistics.
The core aspects don't change though. Consider that other people are other people. Uplift them, be honest, face consequences and take accountability both for what you do, or don't do. Or... Stick a label on yourself and say "I can't because of this thing". It's a diagnostic reference to describe a collection of behaviours.
Disallow yourself from referring to yourself as FA. Instead notice that the descriptions fit your behaviours, and learn how to do things differently.
Why do the eyebrows look like two potato wedges?