Fearful Avoidant: What to do when a Fearful Avoidant text during NO CONTACT
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 ก.ย. 2024
- In this video, Coach Courtney Gatlin talks about how to respond when a fearful avoidant text during no contact. #fearfulavoidant #attachmentstyles #nocontactrule
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He’s right. My FA reached out at 16 days and it’s been nothing but her moving closer since.
🙌🏾💪🏾
How's it going, now?
Of course she’s pulled back again. Actually just a few days ago. I’m giving her space. Told her I’d never just be her friend but she doesn’t want me to just abandon her. Avoidants are stressful. When they wanna run you just gotta let them. Stay solid on your end and they come back.
@@xSikahda Very stressful, that’s for sure. He wanted to be friends too, but that doesn’t work for me at this point. Maybe once I’ve healed, but no promises. He has started a new relationship, and is determined that I know it’s only casual. Sometimes it feels like I imagined everything we were. I know it’s not intentional but damn, it feels like gaslighting when I start to doubt my judgement and memory.
Don’t be his friend. You gotta make them feel the distance too. If they’re not willing to give us what we want then we have to have enough respect for ourselves to ‘walk away’. this time I really don’t care if she comes back or not. I didn’t do anything wrong. I win regardless. You’ll get there. I wish you and your situation the best.
Just avoid avoidants. I dealt with one for years. No matter how patient I was, she would pull away for weeks or months and then promise to change. I was always walking on eggshells and couldn't express my needs or she was gone. Save yourself the heartache and find someone healthy.
I agree if they are aware of their patterns and willing to communicate with an open heart, then it's good. I am amazed when I read FAs so self aware and willing to work on themselves, compared to my guy who is almost 39, FA leaning DA, didn't want to communicate about his needs and feelings, aside from "I need to be alone". But he would talk to his sister and mother!! He only agreed that he would look for flaws in the woman, but didn't want to look into attachment style videos. It's sad because I also felt loved and could see he was not doing well mentally and emotionally.
@Billy B How should I react if my FA reached out, it's been a couple weeks since he ended it (it felt impulsive but this time I didn't try to fix it). I want to listen to him and be open, but when is the right time to communicate my boundaries and needs? (he's been very volatile, didn't open his heart and said hurtful things to minimise his feelings for me)
I think the best thing I will need to do is pack up and move he expressed to me that the lease is up and he’s thinking about moving even though he doesn’t want to but I’m supposed to be the isssue for him moving I feel like some people make excuses because they don’t like us
I feel like you're right. I voice any needs and he's gone and blocked me. It's been back and forth for almost a year and I'm hurt and tired.
@@MissSarahGM that's a DA, not an FA.
1. They will reach out first ussually within 2-4 weeks
2. Show them u are not angry there are not hard feelings from ur side
3. When they reach out it is a good sign, they are open to have some kind of a relationship, strive to meet them in person or zoom call
4. Be ready and be consistent, u need time to build the relationship again
‘Some kind of relationship’ is bro speak for keeping you around as a back up or building things up so they can mess you around again and it’s evil. That’s how you get stuck in a destructive pattern. Unless they are clearly interested in changing and saying that, how they feel and how they feel about you, wanting to meet your needs and actively taking steps towards that then just don’t waste any more of your time because they will spend their whole lives wasting yours.
FAs will reach out, especially if they broke up with you, usually between 2-6 weeks. If you don't answer to their simple one sentence "thinking of you" (they broke up with you) or meme (you broke up with them, or it just died off), then they may swing into the dismissive role. Their ego will kick them into no contact for a longer period of time due to their understanding that no response back is a sign of rejection. So if an FA reaches out - no matter what length of text or what the message is - jump on it, and respond. The best way to respond if you're coming back from breaking up with an FA is to state what exactly went wrong, what needs to be worked on, why you want to revisit the relationship, and what you're looking to continue with them. Claim responsibility for the breakup. If the FA broke up with you, be open and warm when they come back. If you refuse their offers for anything (friendship, meeting up, talking on the phone, or chatting) it will be taken as another sign of rejection and they will think that reaching out was a mistake (you were a mistake, they wasted their time with you, and you're an a-hole). It'll put you on thinner ice instead of starting over fresh, and taking a wrong step will get you cut off completely from their life forever (blocked on nearly all accounts and/or phone).
@Nat Smythe Cosigning this comment 💯.
I'm now worried. Because I did everything the way you've described, except one thing. She reached out to ask if I wanted to be her model and get a free tattoo and I said no. I was being honest with her because I don't have any tattoo ideas
That's what I told her. But now I'm scared that it could have triggered her anxious side.
I had an FA ex reach out after 9 MONTHS of no contact with a simple "I hope you're well" - The best way to respond if you want to continue communication is to ask a direct question back. It's important to ask a question if you want to get a response. An open ended response like "Thank you. I hope you're well too!" will get zero response.
Well if they can throw all those memories and firsts away clearly it wasn't a relationship.
They will run and run all if their lives
I am FA and this is spot on.
🙌🏾
what is the benefit of getting back with people with attachment issues?
Unless they are self-aware, want to improve and are preparing to do the hard work to accomplish that, I wouldn't say there is any.
They're impossible. You have to be consistent with their un consistency, then eventually you go off balance cos you never know if they need space or presence but don't you dare telling them it feels like a rollercoaster Thry know it and can't stand hearing it. You need to become a professional surfer, but they ll be gone before you master the skills.
that last bit made me chuckle hahaha
My avoidant actually told me “you are using strategy on me and we should be using strategy against the world.”😂Mind you I’m thinking dude have you ever dated yourself 😂 I’m an anxious person so for us to work I need to use strategy in order for us to work. 😂😂Thank god we were on the phone so he couldn’t see me rolling my eyes😂😂
As I'm reading comments, I realize that FAs don't like to meet up in person. They always make excuses like I was busy, I didn't think you wanted to, something came up, etc. Why do they say they want to see us but never do? I was 6 months with one and could only see him two times but we talked about it constantly.
Because they were talking to other people and you weren't their top priority. We'll plan our off days around our closest best friends, family member, and the person we're most interested in. Back burners and runner ups are occasionally seen when our first choice is missing, on cool down period, or we're over them. Also, we like to cut ties with all love interests and focus on ourselves sometimes. FA. Let the pendulum swing.
That sounds like a DA. Although FAs have an avoidant side, they do value depth of connection and their love language can be quality time and physical touch. So, from what you’ve described, this is a DA whose fears outweigh their feelings.
FA entertain the connection because they love/ need that but their fears keep th away. Mine was like that, plans for the next 20 years but when it comes to materialize something came up bla bla bla.
When my FA ex broke up with me, he said he just sees me as a friend. He wanted to stay in contact and stay friends. I said I dont want that. I am scared he will only reach out because he wants to be friends....
Thank you for this ❤️
🙏🏾❤️
He broke up with me and never stopped reaching out, he messaged me every day and came to see me, but there were periods he would go hot and cold and he would say he doesn't know how he feels, he feels stuck and lost and his emotions were all over, nor could he control them. At those times I would give his space, I would go silent and he would message every now and then to say he missed me and he loves me but he's not good at opening up. I must admit I have a disorganized attachment style, and I couldn't communicate with him or meet his need and that was the reason for the break up. Time and time again he would warn me that the relationship wasn't working and I would not communicate. Up to this day he seems to want to reconnect and I still have the same issues, the thought of seeing, messaging him gives me serve anxiety, I do not know what's wrong with me. My moods changes constantly through out the day, every day and it makes me push people away.
Sounds exactly my ex! I'm sorry!
@@TimStJohn-xp8rv that man turned out to be a narc. Omg
My FA ex never reached out after dumping me.
Why do you emphasize the necessity of facetime/zoom? What happens to them when a FA puts themself in that position?
My FA has reached out, every 2-4 weeks through text and made himself available to talk when I was going through a personal loss. He admitted that he had been in town several times (visiting family) and "was going to reach out and see if you wanted to get lunch, but figured you'd already moved on..." Talking to him when he's vulnerable like that, I feel nothing but compassion and really feel the need to be gentle. It's not until later by myself while im trying to figure this out that I get frustrated and upset.
To see where they are at as far as their feelings over fears
I have been in a relationship with an FA for 18 years. We were engaged. I had a heart attack April 2020 height of Covid. The aftermath destroyed us. I’ve witnessed intense jealousy and flirting but she keeps pulling back. Her youngest daughter has an effect on her willingness to reconnect. She had trauma and her husband cheated on her. I really think if I can go away, heal myself, be the best me I can be we are soul mates. I may reach out to talk with you.
58 days in mine reached out told me how much she loves me and misses me...but wants too be friends... 🤔
Are you guys still friends?
I've been ghosted out of a friendship, not love relationship and it was obviously no clear breakup. Do FAs tend to come back after ghosting? We had nor argument before, I feel what triggered him was the fact that he committed to stay in more regular contact but then didn't show up - which in all honesty triggered my AP side (I'm mostly SA) and I told him that the feel of loosing him hurts like bloody hell. (He ignored me for three weeks prior, which was unusual for him). He told me he'd text back in a few days and then ghosted me.
I really feel he spooked himself with saying on his own terms he wants to make a concious effort to check in a little bit more often. Little over 1 month of ghosting now, after an 8 month friendship. When we started things we always said we clicked, because the friendship felt so meant to be. But after around 2 month, when he was beginning to open up the tiiinyest bit, he began to pull away more and more... :( Still luv him. Still miss him.
@Nat Smythe Thank you for your reply. Feels really good to get some more insight into other peoples expieriences with FAs. I might eben read the book you recommended.
My friend still didn't get back to me and in all honesty, yes, I send several more (kind and friendly) messages, he leaves unread. He only reads messages when he wants to reply. I was tired of following a plan and advises to win him back and wanted to just be me. So after 3 month now I send him a self-help video about FAs in friendship, told him I luv him the way he is, not only the way he performed in the beginning and whenever he sees the worth of our friendship and my worth as a friend again, he can come forward. It will always be save to reach out to me.
Your expirince with your GF sounds really like you were good for her and that she at least was on good track. For her, I wish she comes back to you. For you, I wish you'll be happy, however that might look like. But by the sound of it, probably with her on your side despites all odds.
Hey Coach,
I've been in a situation-ship with my FA for almost 2 years now. She decided to end things back in July, but then reached back out to me 5 days later out of guilt. We agreed to just be friends after that. Everything between the two of us seemed great.
But a week ago right before New Years, she came to talk to me about breaking things off again because we still have feelings for each other in the friendship. She has previously told me that she wants to heal from past trauma, so one day being in a relationship will be possible. She also sees herself having a future with someone, but it seems like that person isn't me even though she has told me I'm one of the best guys she's ever met. It seems like she's really set on ending things this time. Any advice for me?
Sigh. For FA’s, being the best guy she’s ever met can be extremely scary for them
@@IamCoachCourt She would always tell me how crazy I make her feel (in a good way). I personally have a mixture of Anxious and Secure Attachment. But I'm mostly secure, and now just preparing to let go. It really didn't have to end up like this tbh. But I feel like she will be on this never ending cycle. I told her about attachment styles, and she knows what hers is. I hope she can heal from that
@@devtoslick she has to do the work now or you’re right, it will continue or she’ll most likely end up with someone unhealthy
@@IamCoachCourt That breaks my heart tbh. Do you ever think she'll come back?
@@devtoslick that’s really a hard one to call over this interaction. Book a session and let’s break it all the way down. 🤷🏾♂️
Are you doing coaching sessions this month ?
I am.
www.fruitfulseedz.com
@@IamCoachCourt I see prices are too high for me I’m a broke graduate student at the moment I’ll keep watching your videos good content