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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 ก.ย. 2024
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No Contact is stressful as it is; but what if you get mixed signals from the very same person you're using it with? What if they don't reach out to you, but your friends and family? Is it bad to think it's a positive sign, or is it really just in your head? This video has the answers.
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To book a call with me on my website, check out the link here:
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But if they have done the worst to you why not take it as the portals of hell are opening.
I’m looking forward to our next session, the last one was so helpful. Thank you!
Kkk... I need some, went to church together and the kids, but little contact her vehicle is down so I'm forced to interact with a lot of tension, moved out of the house to our guest house is it complementing a sign of weakness? She is asking my kids what we talk about etc. Thanks upfront
She's a narcissist. HG Tudor is better. Way better. This guy doesn't know what he's talking about.
One of the many problems with a relationship with a Borderline is they can’t attach. As Coach Ken describes, it’s a constant approach avoidance that will drive you nuts and destroy your emotional, psychological and physical health. Unfortunately, separating from one is the most painful experience you’ll ever endure.
So true!
How long have you maintained the relationships? My ex must be a quiet BPD, never been in a relationship as long as we were (4 months) and he's 39. Early on, he brought up his fears of being abandoned and I would leave him. Then, he had doubts and urges to breakup and apologize and make up the same day. It was a rollercoaster. When everything went good, he was convinced of not deserving it and the end was inevitable. After he finally broke up for no reason, I stayed no contact 2 months, and then I texted him. He apologised for how it ended, but then the communication fizzled out. When I texted I missed him, he finally video called me only to talk about superficial things. I texted something sweet and vulnerable and no reply. So rude now.
@@MissSarahGM The world of BPDs is so inpredictable, even if you would act perfect to him, it wouldnt matter tbh. I think the advise here is great, but every BPD is so different and totally unlogical, it really doesnt need to be working in your specific case, unfortunately
@@VixenTM Thank you for your comment. I finally texted him I was struggling and needed to ask some questions to move forward. He facetimed for more than an hour, he seemed fearful then warmed up. I asked if we could try again, he didn't want to. He apologised for being cold and a jerk. A few days later, I sent him an article about relationship OCD because I think he has it. He thanked me and said he would look it up, and will ship a treat by mail. I still haven't received it. I really don't understand why he said that if he doesn't do it.
I am not sure he has BPD, or CPTSD as it's so similar, and not sure he split me, as he still responded and wanted to be nice. AS you said, it is very irrational and hard to figure. I don't know if people with BPD would split the ex black and cut off completely. My ex seems extremely avoidant and scared of the closeness and doing better alone with his dog..
@@MissSarahGM The fact that he even communicates means he may have slightly devalued you, but definitely not discarded. My ex discarded me like actually blaming, ghosting, sending her friends to throw trash in our garden at night. Thats a permanent discard. I am not a therapist of course, but it seems like he has more attachment issues than anything else, which can be quite usual with BPDs. Just remember you are probably not to blame for anything, its just how theyre weirdly wired brains can perceive shit. And they cant do anything about that. It is hard to realise when they pull you through hell, so I am glad he didnt do that. Still seems he cant let go of you either.
My ex texted me after 26 days of no contact. During those days, I watched at least one of your videos. I forgive them but cannot forget the hurt they have caused in a short span of time. Eventually I will forget. I worshiped this woman, well not anymore. God is the center of my life again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me everyday. You are godsend.
Update?
@@uppercutgrandma4425 been 5 months. Nothing.
God won't help you mate
@@baldersn4474 you don’t know what I’ve been through in life. I would be dead right now if it weren’t for God.
Oh,He will and does mate.@@baldersn4474
I was involved with an ex BPD it was a mutual discard(if that's a thing) and I will tell you this. I would much rather deal with the pain of walking away and going no contact than to deal with being in a situationship with a borderline/ NPD and dealing with their crazy making behaviors. The sh*t hurts no doubt but I simply refuse to let anyone hijack my mind. I'll cut anybody n everybody off without notice. My peace of mind is #1.
Well said King.
"I simply refuse to let anybody hijack my mind"
That goes hard. I'm going to remember that
@@denise3335 I can respect that.
@@denise3335 a lot are Narcissists. Like you.
@@denise3335 it's wrong to behave in a way that causes pain on to others in order to alleviate your own. The sooner you realize this the sooner you can grow
I feel like I’m withdrawing from drugs
Stg
It really does it feel like that, it hurts like the worst emotional pain I’ve had in years
Like an emotional knife in the heart that goes deeper and deeper each time you try to pull it out (trying to leave them)
I'd rather be recovering from a drug addiction rather than a break up from a bpd situationship with ex gf. With a drug addiction, although very serious, there are a number of organizations where immediate intervention is near.
Yeah, it'll be like this due to the lovebombing and what they believe you to be at the time
The image of you that they create can never be achieved.. That's why it's so hard to maintain a relationship with them
I have never experienced such pain in my life. And I think it's the worst because I myself have a borderline disorder. We were 1,000,000,000,000% the same in everything. It was terrifying, we couldn't separate ourselves from each other, we brushed our teeth in each other's arms in the morning and at night. We would fall asleep together in bed while kissing, it was amazing. I have never felt such a connection in my life, and then a crash, rejection....... I think my pain is even worse because I myself have a borderline personality disorder. I don't wish this hell on anyone in life.....
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm not BPD but I can relate to the unmeasurable pain coz I went through that 2 months ago & I still have really, really bad days. I wouldn't wish this pain to my worst enemy.
@@mziwendukuntsele671 Here, after 3 and a half months, I'm finally fine, better. Life sucks, I've never loved anyone this much in my life. And I know that she showed equal love for me. That's the worst, and then they start hating you. That's the worst...
@@mziwendukuntsele671 I also don't wish that kind of pain on anyone. If someone loves you as much as he showed you in the beginning.He would stay by your side and fight their demons and eventually fight the disorder and stay. Everything can be worked on if two people want it. It's easiest to leave. If she loved you so much, she would stay by your side and fight with her problem....
I did it for 6 years with my ex-wife. I fought with myself and did not leave her. In the end she left me... I'm not to blame for this disorder, but I've never left anyone. My ex-wife did not want to live with me anymore and left. But still we all have the power of decision and to choose voluntarily....@@mziwendukuntsele671
Then why u left her ??
It's not a game. They can hurt you physically. SAVE YOURSELF
Truth.
Yup mine started hitting across the face, at first it was verbal abuse, then it became physical. I head back in college she hit another girl with a beer bottle in the head (that had ongoing issues for years as friends). I thought she grew up a lot from then as it was almost 7 years ago. But she didn’t, it was really bad. What was next verbal abuse, slapping, then what? Weapons?
"I Hate You - Don't Leave Me" is definitely a book that opened my eyes. But at the end of the day, borderlines are responsible for their actions just as any of the rest of us are.
I’m 1 month NC, one of the toughest battles I’ve ever faced in life. I can’t even describe the rumination and cognitive dissonance, it’s like it pays dividends for them to keep you a key chain, it’s so crazy making. Everyday is a fight for survival and I wish this pain on nobody , it truly is hard.
I'm at two months. It's a real mentally draining thing. I have only one friend who has been through something similar..thankgod I found someone who understands. I hope you have some support too
@@dangalangslanger1254 hey it’ll be 2 months tomorrow. This is the first week where I didn’t cry , almost like I feel a calm sense neutrality. I don’t have anxiety anymore , I’m in the depressed acceptance stage. What’s painful is the betrayal of being discarded like garbage. Someone who once loved you through you away like trash. That’ll take time to let go of. Things are getting better, honestly the magic formula seems to be No contact+therapy+time=healed.
@@bellofigoitaliano5038 I felt that feeling thrown out and replaced. Got a text and call and email..all blocked..no response from me. I think it was a set back for me. Just remember they can't and won't change. Your were probably miserable before only to be more miserable now..but the only way through the sh!t storm is right through the middle. No contact and soon we will both say dang that was the most terrible thing I've ever been through..glad it's over. I've come to believe that I will NEVER talk to her or let her see my face again. EVERRRR
@@dangalangslanger1254 I’ve been receiving No caller Id around 12-1:30 through the week. Luckily I’ve missed them all because I’ve been sleeping well. I’m getting stronger and I think we can get to a point where we don’t even want them anymore, I’m learning to live with the pain and be alone.
@@bellofigoitaliano5038 the amount of emotional dysregulation and manipulation tactics I put up with ..makes be like what in the hell would I do with that now..what could I even say that ain't already been said. Now we just wait it out..I'm trying to frame it like every other nutty breakup..3 months to wake up not feeling like my brain was hijacked, I can look at certain people now and see things I couldn't see before..weird. Goodluck
Bottom line is this...if your with someone with BPD or thinking of being with them...RUN...DO NOT LOOK BACK RUN
my boyfriend and i have been together for quite awhile and we love eachother so deeply. i have bpd and am worthy of love mike gfys
Even if you were just “fwb” who spend years “together” and not a real couple.
The false accusations and mixing of memories to paint a picture of who you aren’t so they can rationalize why they split you is heart wrenching.
They rather have a situationship
Trust me they are scared of commitment but crave to be treated or married
I so relate. And then not hearing from her (this is day 18 nc/5 year almost relationship/spent time with her not quite a month ago with her in her country) makes if almost seem like nothing we experienced, did, shared or had together that was good ever existed...it's like the silence creates a gaslight bubble over the experiences had with her sort of like "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does the falling tree make a sound--like effect. Welcome to the Twilight Zone, which in the case of BPD push/pull---it's reality.
I deserve someone who loves me at 100%. I am loved by my friends, family, coworkers, patients, and God. The extreme pain I feel right now only amplifies how authentic I am. I want a love that never gives up, who never surrenders when things get tough. That’s the kind of love I’m looking for.
Let them eat their own medicine, stick to no contact forever.
@@philphil4042 that's the truth. They crave the attention and being chased, so why give them what they want?
Wow!!! You touched on something that resonates with me: their "story"...
I've met a handful of these BPD ladies. They all initiated their approach to me. What pulled at me the most was their story. Most of their stories were too huge of a red flag, but the rest had stories that weren't deal breakers.
So how did they know I was an empathetic person? They all showed vulnerability at first, very sweet, then sensitive, and totally intense. But they never told their whole story. And as it seemed I was getting too close, then comes the ghost.
I now understand what it all means and can spot it nearly as soon as they open their mouth.
So crazy dude , my BPD ex on date 2 said that she had BPD bad a narcissist ex that destroyed her and that she was looking for someone to save her from a bad lifestyle, it’s not they fool us. We fool ourselves by ignoring the red flags.
Mine studied me and made the first move. She even talked about how she watched me at work and listened to my interactions. They look for someone to really gut. I'm incredibly sad. They just withdraw from the honeymoon phase and you're left codependent because the things they said you'd never heard before. Then in the end you're told none of it mattered, it was all in your head. They don't have any devotion. It is all how they are feeling in the MOMENT.
Also, agree on the too close thing. They're only able to go so far emotionally and once you hit that wall the relationship has absolutely no depth.
@James Graves yeah, they can't regulate their emotions. It's like their thoughts and reasoning is in a blender. They can't slow down, and it comes to a head, and they have to run away to save themselves. But what about us?
It's very hard when they come back a'hooverin' after the ghost, then they magically know all the right words to say to crack that door open.
I think it's that sudden discard that makes us want to know what the hell just happened, and we have questions and want answers.
@@justinhensley3315 I don't think mine will come back. I argued with her and I was actually smiling while I was angry because I was just considering how ridiculously one sided the relationship had become. Her side lol So I really want a hoover to be honest. I want to know that all the words she said to me to end it weren't entirely true. She was really mean and basically made the relationship sound like crap. In your experience how long did it take to be hoovered? I just want a word to indicate I'm even thought of. I can't go through this again so I'm not sure how/if I'd reply, just want to know if you think I can expect that chance
should any of us really care to be in a relationship with someone that comes off as needy clingy and once we accept them they turn on us and become an insane outbursting yelling cheater ? I can't believe I participated in such a thing .it's so obvious too
My ex was officially diagnosed with BPD (emotionally unstable personality disorder) she ended it 5 months ago to go be with her son who’d had a breakdown after we’d been together for over 7 years and engaged to get married. As she’d run away a few times before, but always came back. So I wasn’t 100% convinced she really meant it this time, although the circumstances were very different. She reached out two months ago so we met and she wouldn’t stop hugging and kissing me and telling me how amazing I’ve always been and that I’m the love of her life etc.
Well a week later she called to say she’s blocking me and I should go meet someone else that deserves my love and support! That’s the last I’ve heard from her. It has truly crushed my already broken heart.
So sorry you're going through that - I've been there myself. I can tell you that pattern is fairly common with BPD. Multiple shorter breakups followed by a longer more serious break. It still doesn't means she won't come back. BPD is an identity disorder. It caused emotional dysregulation and is a compulsion driven. All that to say someone with BPD can't simply decide what they feel or who they feel it for or to what level, so it's likely she will come back even if it feels unlikely. But how long do you want to stay on the rollercoaster of torment. If she isn't getting ongoing significant treatment the diagnosis is meaningless. Let me know if you schedule a call at realcoachken.com and I'll move you up on the calendar. Again, so sorry you're dealing with this.
You communicate how you feel and then boom causes a argument then break up 🤷♀️
i was in a on-off relationship with my ex with BPD and it was horrible.. i don't want to put out false hope, but imho, yes, they always come back and no, they wont change...
They will lovebomb you for some time, and leave again.
Even when she told me "its over for good", "i lost feelings", "i dont love you anymore"... she came back... i was stupid enough to let her back in my life... TWICE !!!
Don't be me guys... Move on, even tho it's extremly hard...
I was told those same things. The relationship was only special to me and was all in my head. She said a lot that really hurt me. It's only been a week but I want something. An apology. Something. I did not deserve to be treated like this.
@@jamesgraves9858 I’ve been there as well man believe me but come to find out she was cheating on her boyfriend of 1 year with me these past couple months.
Little update for those 1-2 People who care... I was stupid enough to let her walk back into my life.. guess who ghosted me again out of the blue... and she called me an abusive narcissistic... ouch...
Thanks for sharing about your BPD ex. I'd like to know, how long did she take to come back? How long were her splits? When she said it's over for good, how long did she take to return?
@@pariss1445 2-5 Weeks... We're on breakup #9 now... Don't blame me...
As someone with fairly well compensated (self destructive) BPD, this is truly excellent interrelational advice! LOL weird, eerie moment when Ken literally retraces and recounts specific behavior patterns of my own when reengaging partners after periods of devaluation. “Maintain tension” - very true. “Never tolerate disrespect” - again, always essential.
Thank you for the feedback and transparency Sydney - very valuable! Would love to connect and have a conversation sometime
@sydney reed. Question... How long do these devaluation periods last on avg before you reengage with your ex? Tks!
@@CoachKen She did not answer, ha ha ha typical BPD 😀cowards!
Go no contact; don't look back.
That's what I'm thinking about doing.
It is only inteligent answer here.
Run away and never come back.
Why would you want to make it work with someone with BPD? Forever playing a game with someone who cannot ever truly love you? Forget it and ghost them forever.
I've been with my BP boyfriend for 2 1/2 years with constant push pull behavior. My last discard I told him I couldn't continue allowing him to do that to me, that I love him and wished him the best. I want him back but not until I see effort in him getting to a healthier place.
Going no contact 11 months! It was very challenging the first 8 months. Looking back I’m glad it never worked out. My bpd ex would have ruined my life.
This is enough of help. Thank you so much. It's so confusing. God knows what goes on in their head
It took me a few tries to finally successfully break away and put together a strong NC program. You gotta do whatever it takes to get yourself to that place no matter what.
People, listen to this man. I’m currently a client (and student) of coach Ken’s looking to get a borderline ex back. I’ve learned so much from him. He and Coach Lee are the best out there and all you need for relationship recovery.
Can u help me I’m trying to learn as well how to get her back and she has bpd
Avoid these people. They are impossible and will ruin your life and steal your sanity.
Why are you trying to get a borderline back??? By the time they come back they’ve been ran through due to lack of impulse control and will give you the leftovers but tell you what you want to hear. No contact is key
I’m an empath and my codependent gf turned from the sweetest person in the world to a zombie and shut me out. No communication just I’m done. I have solid boundaries and wanted to move the relationship slowly but I think at some point that was too hard for her. Due to my boundaries I felt a need to take responsibility for not being enough during the relationship. The empath side of me hurt and just wanted her back. Still she shut me out and at this point I have said I want to make this work but it takes two so if you ever want to make it work contact me.
Anyway to the point. During this breakup my anxiety has been extreme. I jump between pain and anxiety and sadness. I will give a word of caution. You NEED to get to the pain stage and through it. This means fully accepting its over. Every single “get your ex back” that preaches anything other than moving on for yourself is only delaying your healing. Once you become hopeless you are truly on your way to get better. No one wants to hear this but it’s true. I will not allow myself to ever watch a get your ex back channel again. Do not go no contact if you have something to say. Don’t act like nothing bothers you. Be true to yourself in your words and get it all out. It will hurt when they are gone for good but then you know they are truly wrong for you.
She will eat you alive! Just watch :)
It’s so interesting to watch this as someone that has bpd and has been broken up with because there’s so many videos on how to deal with us but so little videos of how WE can deal with being left behind by someone we love. I never acted in a reckless way during the relationship but now that I experienced abandonment I am acting more out of control. PLEASE if you are on the other side: don’t trick ppl with bpd into thinking you want them back unless you are 100% sure you do.
Also that middle place you talk about towards the end is HELL to me so it doesn’t really work that way for everyone but anyway having an honest conversation about bpd behavior and encourage someone to seek help is the best thing.
It usually comes down to this moment "having an honest conversation about bpd behavior and encourage someone to seek help is the best thing."
I left my ex narcissist personality disorder guy after 5 years so he could work on himself. He's gone through two new supply chics. Now he's moving 400 miles away. He did see a therapist one time, that was it.
@@CoachKen yeah well as a borderline myself i used to think I was narcissistic, I watched a bunch of videos trying to learn to be less toxic, I was open about my failures and trying to be better, but all the videos out there about NPD and BPD is to just leave them and never speak to them. people take that advice, even if you acknowlege you're toxic and trying to fix it. so what's even to live for when even doctors think we're monsters?
@@blaireofhylia1572 whats to live for huh....um....hows about fixing your head
Its a TH-cam bubblen mate. We are all people, individuals and those words are thrown around alot of times without taking responsibility or developing integrity. I personally think that we should love everyone and not demonize them in a way like that.
There are countless videos suggesting basically to ghost the narcissist and countless on the issue that the narcissist ghosted you. YOU are the problem aswell as the solution to your issues and solving them in the longterm requires loving yourself, not hating anyone. With the latter there is no developement of yourself. I like your comment because it seems to me that you aswell dislike double standards. Peace mate.
"Maybe they ran over you with a truck" - LOL!
mine went the other way in the end - I was living my life and suddenly realised that I was hugely indebted to my BPD ex and I couldn't thank her enough. this spurred her on to therapy and eventual recovery.
Why would you want them back? This feels twisted to me, or maybe I'm missing something. Go and get healed, go through intense therapy and solve yourself out, become better you. That life being with someone this broken is not for majority, take a second look and consider if that is what you really want.
Guys , Ken is really good . I don’t know what I would do without his knowledge and help on how to handle my issues
HG Tudor is better.
@@annwethenorthfor Narc maybe not for BPD.
I watch this video on repeat. I appreciate your hard work and knowledge. Been very helpful. Thank you.
You are very welcome
This was an amazing analogy on Borderlines and those difficult relationships. Thank you for posting.
She ain't worth fighting for just like she feels I'm not worth fighting for. She did not wait but decided to cheat/move on from me, so I need to do the same. Move on. Must remind myself she's not worth the lies, manipulation, and drama.
Hell no.
The last half of this made sense to me a lot. Related to a time I told her I loved her and cared about her and she turned around and told me that disgusted her and was gross that I felt that way about her.
Don't let it get to you. Your love is beautiful, always will be, she is simply sick and can't see it. Don't allow her to define what your love means or what it is worth. Date other women and learn to let go.
My solution: Unfollow and block on social media. Skip the inbox in mail. Pray that she just moves on to the next and forgets about me. I got the wall of China and the Atlantic ocean between me and her. I’m almost free.
I know that pain/anger/rage wound brother - sometimes its best to do exactly that. Did it myself and won't look back on that one - ever!
Why would you want someone back that dumped you like trash.
Wow, I am so impressed about what you describe in the last part of the video about their personality, the "wounded heart", that I am almost speachless. It is so true... Everything you say it is spot on, it helps me a lot identifying the patterns I have been going through, and where I made mistakes. Thank you.
Thank you for the kind words and hope you're doing well. Let me know if I can be of any help. It does get better. Moments will feel like you won't ever fully recover - but you will.
Funny thing, I just had this conversation with Ken three weeks ago. This pretty much seems to be the issue with my wife as we are acting out the relationship without actually putting a label on it. It can be a very frustrating dance at times, but in the words of the band 38 Special, Hold on loosely and don't let go.
Thank you so much for this video and everyone for sharing their story. I feel less crazy and alone
Hello my bpd boyfriend left me the reason was as he said : you're dramatic an I can't handle it. It's the fifth day of breakup, he didn't text me and I didn't text him too. What do you think should I text him and tell him that I'm not angry and still love him and I'll be always here for him or it's better to go NC ( no contact)
I want to get him back
@@missviolet2227 copypaste much?
You don't want them back
My bpd ex would constantly cheat. Told me, “if she couldnt have me love her. The only thing she had control of is making me hate her.”
The part where you talk about the theory of proving your love to someone when their personality as switched and has become dismissive, along with a bit obsessive, and emotionally and mentally cruel ….staying with them and reassuring them of your love for them no matter what makes a lot of sense to me. I was doing that! I allowed myself to get hurt over & over again and taking the time to talk to my bf about it letting him know that behavior needs to change (he likes to take off and just be gone for way too long line all night long. And then give me some lame excuse about falling asleep in his vehicle. But I accepted that answer every time.
Knowing now that I should ms have been protecting myself.
WOW. SAME STORY AS ME. but i found out it wss cheatibg
He was cheating, you are too naïve :)
Definitely cheating.
Yep- mind did same thing - nothing but lies
Mate TY I cant describe the pain I'm in ATM (together for 4 years) it has destroyed me as a person. At least this has provided me with some level of understanding. I don't think I was completely without blame in this situation but it helps me at least face the fact there isn't anything I can say or do. Unfortunately I saw this video far to late I made all the mistake you described as it didn't make any sense at the time not to try or not to fight for her, So i called and text'd sent emails laid my self bare and vulnerable and probably to my determent. Seem the only thing left for me to do is nothing which is much harder then it sounds.
It can feel overwhelming at times - the anxiety can feel literally unbearable - don't fight the hurt but don't trust what that pain is telling you. Stay strong and let me know if I can be of any help dotheyloveme.com/.
wow! this is what ive been dealing with. It makes sense now and thank you! You are amazing
Bordelune don't love or connect, they see you as a parent...they look for connections and you're easiky replaced...
In many cases yes - but if you think BPD never comes back you're incorrect
@@CoachKen they come back for different reasons..mine just came back, just enjoying the good times. Wish you much success on the channel and appreciate your work
Many times, if it was you who broke up with them, they want to get back with you only to then cheat on you and discard you just around the corner...they will always look for "vengeance"
so true and realistic, I live the experience of a breakup with a bordeline, it is an excruciating feeling like no breakup ever experienced. I have been suffering from it every day for months.
after several breakups on her part, she used to come back. and I discovered that she had had other partners to secure her fear of abandonment. once I revealed her with my intuition and analysis, she went into crisis, with a feeling of paranoia and she cut off and blocked all means of communication with me. I become the bad guy when I loved her deeply. this love is addictive.
They’ll do that lol
My best advice cut all contact with them and think about it like this does this person benefit my life in any aspect if not why am I even stressing about this person.
They are not worth of your time - you can do better :)
Yeah man same situation here. I was with my ex bpd girlfriend for 1yr 4 months. I found out she was messaging other guys twice. The second time was recent in which she said she was blocking me and that she’s seeing other people. Haven’t heard from her in a week.
@@evaneddy17 Total selfishness...Make yourself a favor and go no contact! There is nobody there in her head - winds howling trust me :) My exBPD came after 18 years to hoover??? He came like it was yesterday we were talking. Like - Hiiiii, ( no how are you ) but look what happened to me, where I traveled, what I did etc. All happy to talk about himself, as if I was waiting all these years to hear what happened to him.
These people are not normal, they are severely retarded.
Than, because I was not reacting he ghosted again for 5 years. Than I saw a picture when he is doing some favors for my brother ( hoover by proxy ).
And so on...
Don't wait her to come back for couple of weeks or months and than leave you in even worse state!
At least I was smart to kick him in the but after the first ghosting. So happy that I was without that idiot 😅🤣😂🤣
Anytime she devalued me i would throw it right back at her. She used to tell her older sister that she never had any power over me. Thinking about the latter now and that's pretty messed up
My ex was loving and just a victim of their circumstances. I was willing to endure the drama to have her love. But when she betrayed me, i never viewed her the same. Its sad but now i gotta heal
Love the vid. I love my borderline girlfriend very much but you have to be a very special person to deal with the love hate cycles.
I am not special enough to forgive cheating.. but then again she knew that was the only thing that would screw it all up. I could see in her eyes she hated herself for what she did. Of course hers was drug induced. No way to have a lucid Convo until she got some sleep. A few days later the hate was on me and she left to avoid being told to go.
@@sterlingarcher8441 it's not your fault.
@@sterlingarcher8441 brutal
I loved mine too and really thought it would work but after 8 years she eventually did cheat, break up with me, and completely devalue me. I didn't think it could happen to me but it did, and it will probably happen to everyone that deals with these people.
It appears that they desire your presence, but simultaneously do not.
This can become tiring after a while.
I have PTSD & OCD and on the autism/Asperger spectrum and after this breakup with someone I was involved with who has BPD it’s set me back in my healing journey quite a bit and brought up old wounds, everyone keeps telling me leave him alone and I need to but it’s like being addicted to a substance and the worst part is I have to see him regularly as he lives near me and we run in similar social/public circles and it feels like a constant emotional jab every time I see him after what he put me thru
Great to hear about this in my rejection as a woman from a man with bpd I’ve been pushed away but have his friend asking me to do things with them knowing that friend is safe in their marriage and going on bike rides with them and sharing our faith, I’m now for first time telling them I love them respect them but will leave them to it. Interested to see how it pans out from here after 3 years of push and pull. I really need to learn how to handle this well. Thankyou
The one thing I don't see much about in the comments is how many of us are or were codependents. I was in a relationship that ended about a year ago with a pwBPD for 5 months and yes, it is very addictive. But after the relationship I had to closely examine my own actions and came to the conclusion I had some codependency issues and have worked on them very hard this last year. That relationship taught me much about BPD and how I let myself be disrespected and criticized during devaluation. Never again! Call out bad behavior, learn how to handle conflict (read Getting Back to Zero by Jason Gaddis) and work on yourself. I am now in a relationship with a neurotypical loving person and would not want to go back. Yes, a piece of my heart will still probably love some things about my ex. I have compassion and empathy for her and her family but I am just one of a string of guys since she divorced about 10 years ago. You didn't cause the terrible disorder they suffer, you can't cure it and you only have one life to live, Wouldn't you want to share it with someone who knows how to love you back in a reciprocal manner and be able to connect with you emotionally on an intimate level. Don't hate the pwBPD either. Some of their actions are just a defense mechanism for what they suffered through in childhood. Best of luck!
High five for commenting
Yes I’m in the beginning of that journey it’s so scary but there’s no other choice
For sure, most of the ppl felt hurt by BPD are having codependent complexity! A few smart ppl like you would be able to spot that and work on it! Most of other ppl would be going blind for along time not knowing what is happening!
This may work in the case of a mentally healthy person who wants to reconcile with an ex, but Borderlines aren't mentally healthy. They may come back for a bit, but it's only a matter of time before the push/pull cycle starts again and eventually there will be another discard. I am speaking from personal experience.
It's not our responsibility to navigate around their disorder when they never take accountability for it themselves. That is THEIR responsibility.
If they refuse to get significant consistent help - run - if they do, then there is hope
@@CoachKen, I was a slow learner with my last girlfriend, but I got there eventually. These videos have helped.
About a month after the breakup, she wanted to be friends but it was so one sided. She would spill her life and problems to me and I supported her, but whenever I reached out to her she would ignore me and eventually said it made her feel uncomfortable.
So I sent her a text basically saying until she feels like this can be a fair relationship, we should not be in contact. She responded with some weirdly vague stuff about the breakup that wasn’t really relevant, and I ignored it. Today, she unfriended me on Snapchat. I’m not going to respond, but she knows I still love her and she’s told me she still loves me. Time will tell what will happen here, but I’m not caving.
Eight days today we had a mutual break up, no contact both blocked each other, it was her birthday two days after my daughter wished her happy birthday and she told her she was going out with the girls nothing unusual there, she got home that evening drunk as usual and messaged my daughter to tell her we had broken up. That night on her Facebook profile she posted a picture of her motorcycle that encouraged her to buy I collectted it a 200 mile round trip. I also encouraged her to take a test up until the test date I had taken her out regularly teaching her how to ride it . A few of her freinds made comments strange I never got a thank you or any recognition for my part even kitted her out with appropriate clothing helmet ect. In my experience they give very little and take everything as usual she's still playing her mind games. We actually do work very well together and recently she said we ought to go into business together ? Buisness with someone who can't go three weeks without a toxic meltdown, I'm not saying its not hard to walk away because it is extremely hard I was set to do it a year ago I deeply regret not sticking to my guns!!!
Excelent videos and information, i love the way you explain and simplify so many points and examples.
There is no positives if they reach out too you after a disgard or break up..
I just found out today that my Wife is a Dismissive Avoidant and now she's a BPD too? 😮 man she's more broken than I thought
My BPD girlfriend discarded me this week unexpectedly and by text. We've only been together for a short time but the emotions and the sex was so intense, I can fully understand the addiction because atm it feels like I'm withdrawing from some hardcore drug. The last night I saw her she was in a weird mood, very cold and distance. For some reason I think she painted me all black but I think she also just dissociated into some different personality. I tried to make her see sense of the situation by reminding her of our connection together and how much we had in common but it was just rebuffed by a cold reply. This is killing me, what should I do?
Don't do anything. Just take the pain n let it run it's course. I got discarded by a BPD ex last month n I'm dealing with the pain just like how you are. Just tell yourself life goes on with or without her and to keep going no contact and work on healing yourself more than that situationship cuz that's all it was. You got this.💪🏿😎
Leave her, nothing you can do...listen to BPD videos...SHE must want to go to therapy by herself at least 10 years to see some improvement.
My BPD hoovered me after 18 years????
Of course got the boot and is hoovering me for 10 years now. They are crazy, that is why you have to watch borderline videos until you realize you can not change their crazy brain. It is mental illness. Hope that helps!
@@sithlord926 cheers dude. I'm feeling a bit better this week. Still no contact both ways. I wonder if they enjoy being this cruel
@@NMTDelightfulMusic thanks man. Yeah she was seeing a therapist but I don't think her therapist has a clue what she's really like or if she realizes she has BPD. She's more one of these quiet Borderlines that don't make it as obvious but are just as dangerous
@@zigggyyyc7342 Yes, they do.
We were both full of „rejection fears“… he was cold
I was emotional
And we broke up being in the middle of being happy. I accused his coldness he said my dreams are not his and he was to have freedom. He said he loves me but it‘s over because I said „let’s build a house together“… this scared him to death and he ran away.
After this moment we still communicated for two days, he was absolutely normal with messages, pictures… but when I adked if we‘re a couple again… he was quiet. I blocked him… I deblocked him… but he doesn’t speak to me anymore. He just told me he has Landed…he sent a picture from the plane, and nothing more.
We are both disturbed, I suppose, we were both kids of narcissistic parents, beaten and insulted and we cannot express our feelings
Freedom for him means no intimate emotions between two of you. They can not attach and have aversion to it. Listen to Sam Vaknin...
Hello my bpd boyfriend left me the reason was as he said : you're dramatic an I can't handle it. It's the fifth day of breakup, he didn't text me and I didn't text him too. What do you think should I text him and tell him that I'm not angry and still love him and I'll be always here for him or it's better to go NC ( no contact)
I want to get him back
My bpd girlfriend just broke up with me last week Tuesday and she said all whole bunch of things and said she wouldn’t come back or never take me back in the future it hurts so much I loved her with everything I accept their flaws and issues and now I’m left devastated.
Did she try to come back after saying that??
whatever you say I can't sense no lie but all truth. Its hard to find a genuine guy like you. Why would your wife hate and disrespect you so much
If she is a border than reason is not needed. They dance on the edge of neurosis and psychosis and that's most malignant cluster B disorder.
They don't have ability to love like an adults. We all remember lovebombing. True love never starts with lovebombing because lovebombing is a weapon not a way of love. Lovebombing have purpose to hide real self of a person who suffers from BPD.
They love like a toddlers. Unmature love. And when you are discarded go out and celebrate freedom.
What love have with humiliating partner, torturing him, molested or even gaslighting??
@@Maks-xg2fd Amen
After you leave a Borderline I really see no reason for you to want them back in your life! However, as a Favourite Person leaving a Borderline is excruciating for them.
I get it - but it really does depend on the individual and the specific circumstances - but yes in many cases it doesn't end well
God bless you, Coach Ken. Your heart is golden.
God bless you back for the blessing - sincerely!
I kind of did this with her but I also ruined it, cz she was contacting me for reasons like favors or for random reasons like "oh I just want to make sure if this was u watching my shared Tiktok video". Finally, she asked me to give her friend something which belongs to her (that was a reasonable request, because we ageed after the breakup to keep something that belonged to her with me). She was living in another country at the time, and hearing her voice on the phone made me so anxious and I told her that "what I gave u was very valuable, and I asked her not to contact me anymore unless she wants to talk about the relationship, hearing this made her really upset and said she's completely over me, which was painful to hear. This is after 4 months of No contact. I felt like a huge mistake, I was trying to set boundaries, but I was so direct with her that it made her feel like I was not over her. I knew what I said was wrong, but I did it out of being confused. Now she's not contacting me anymore, trying to show me that she doesn't want the relationship. I just acted in an impulsive way, and I didn't know what the purpose of her breadcrumbs was. She just denied it all, accused me of overthinking, and told me to stop mentioning the relationship.
My bpd partner has recently hit her latest split. Fuelled by alcohol addiction.
We were supposed to be getting married in 2 weeks.
She hurt me immensely, hurts me and turns it against me like I am the evil one.
It's so hard dealing with this. And her parents don't help her either they just let her waste her life away with booze and pray for the best.
I can't help her anymore, I feel like all my strength is dead.
Wth would I want my bpd ex or any ex back. Her Illness isn’t my problem. Over a year NC and looking forward to many more years of total peace.
How long was your relationship with your BPD ex?
People actually want their borderline girlfriend back? Unfathomable.
very addictive - like Frodo putting that ring back on - under a very tempting and seductive spell
@@CoachKen I've been there actually. No more.
I wish I would have seen this particular video sooner. I gave them training wheels. Its probably no chance of fixing it now.
legit same
I thank god she cheated. Otherwise I don’t think I would’ve been able to walk away
Yes - Sometimes enough pain can be the thing that breaks you enough to finally be done and see them for who they are
Hi Coach, it's such a helpful and informative video, My wife moved out last month after intense arguments. I didn't contact her, until she contacts me, but the thing is when I do reply, she acts cold again, she constantly asks if the pet is okay like you had mentioned here. She even accepted my invitation to join a event. I felt really confused about her action. She seems like hate me so much, but still initiate contacts, it almost felt like she moves one step further toward me , when I tried to follow her, she back away.complicated.
Good one we at same position how did it go for you?
He said I apologize for the pain I caused you cause I had so much going on in my life that time I couldn’t reach out. AFTER 90 DAYS.. Like it’s nothing and not even ask for a second chance. All this times-of no contact asking relatives about me. 😢not contacting again
Hello my bpd boyfriend left me the reason was as he said : you're dramatic an I can't handle it. It's the fifth day of breakup, he didn't text me and I didn't text him too. What do you think should I text him and tell him that I'm not angry and still love him and I'll be always here for him or it's better to go NC ( no contact)
I want to get him back
@@missviolet2227 go no contact he’ll miss you. When if he calls you don’t go crazy because he messed up everything you had together. Let him cleanup his mess don’t make it easy for him
Now we’re back in contact but very slowly
Man, these types of people are the reason I fear getting out there to Date. You really need to check the person's medicine cabinet.
My Ex broke up with me out of the blue, took me around and around with Breadcrumbs and stringing me along, lied and denied things he knew he said, manipulated and gaslit. I can go on and on. I felt like I was in a twilight zone. I am 5 Months of No Contact and still trying to figure out who he was and wtf happened? How did I miss the red flags and signs?
Because they idealize you and that feels good, makes it easier for them to manipulate.
Great video....thank you. My heart, I think will be forever broken. But I'm COMPLETELY radio silence! ...no social media, nothing, I changed my number, moved, new job..... she's got absolutely nothing on me ...I've completely disappeared.
Thanks for this video.
Rick
You'll keep getting stronger and even more aware and even more able to impact the people around you that go through the same extreme pain. I remember thinking for so long that I'd never get over them completely - that I'd always carry some ache or some pain from the past and from what could have been. But you did get over it and you actually do start feeling a strength that you won't lose.
Ken - would you mind doing a video some time on bpd vs vulnerable narcissism (hot to spot the difference)?
Currently going through this. My ex has bpd and is just reaching out asking me how I am then disappears. She tried to brag about how happy she is now and lied about the things she is doing. I’m distancing myself from her and limiting contact with her now.
She wants to put you on the shelf and keep you in limbo. NO CONTACT!!!!
@@NMTDelightfulMusic I agree that she’s trying to do this. She blocked me on everything once I went no contact lol.
@@WishesandWonder Ha, ha keep strong!
The comments here are gold
Borderlines will run from anything that causes them pain and toward anything that relieves their pain. Your love causes them emotional dysregulation. Your love and intimacy scares them because it makes them feel out of control. My ex hoovered me for a year, got me back, told me she loved me (by accident) and then everything changed. The feeling of being vulnerable and letting her guard down caused her fear and pain. My ex would start businesses then quit them. Make absurd plans and then never follow through. Buy dogs and then give them away. Tell me she’s traveling to Europe alone then change her mind. Beg her exes, including me, to fuck her. She’s also a bad alcoholic. These people are so erratic, unstable, chaotic, and healthy. They’re easy to fall in love with and hard to get over.
I agree, they want love but when you gave them it hurts them. Love for them is pain.
Too irrational and impulsive. She got some inheritance money, so went on 3 holidays to the Maldives in 2 months, bought a range rover on ebay, and spent the rest on shoes and handbags.
If you have good friends and family and touch of god you should be good
Not haed to get over i
Once you know hiw they operate and you know IT CAN NEVER WORK..The real issue is why you would want too ? Youe own sense of self worth and codependancy..
This is exactly what my ex has been doing this to me for the last 2 months. While openly telling me she’s been dating another girl…. And I allowed it - god how stupid of me! All the while me thinking if I give her enough space and freedom she will come back to me when in reality I was giving her everything she needed and was getting nothing back in return. Don’t let them fuck with your head!
I'm exactly in the situation described. She keeps me in the middle texting me "I love you" to test if I still love her. And I always reply "I love you 2". She says she just need time, but I know she is in another relationship which she denies, no matter how many evidence I show to her. I really want to go no-contact but I don't know how to do it in a way that is not too rude.
U need to be rude! You need to be selfish! You need to be strong! Leavvvvvve the pain and degradation!
You're right but I want her back. She is BPD and she denies the other relationship. So it is very difficult to make her understand that I'm stepping away because she needs to choose.
@@majabi she will not choose at all! These kind of ppl are born liars and players around!
I know that you are going through pain! I myself have a relationship with a BPD woman! The disaster is that she is married and she is claiming she loves me badly and once she said she tried the divorce but it failed! I know that these are all lies! She is around only because I am her favourite person from whom she gets admiration, recognition and of course money 2500 USD per month!
relaxed, confident and brief - BRIEF is the part that shows you aren't in pursuit or desperate or mad or sad. Mad or sad conveys need/hurt/impact. Calm and resilient projects strength and oddly can trigger fear of loss way more effectively than heartbreak, rude or outraged
Im def frozen out but just prior all her love for me was expressed and then over the smallest thing it became she hasnt loved me in years etc etc
My presumably BPD ex left me after I said I will throw in the towel after a argument which she saw as a semi break up thing to say. I tried to get her back with flowers, a letter and a text from my friends phone since she blocked me everywhere. She replied after some weeks that she would call the police if I didnt stop reaching out and she even wrote my name right. Not sure if it was her friend who wrote that message but isnt it a pretty borderline thing to do? A complete overreaction from my point of view since she didnt even warned me once before she replied with that message.
Brobim going through the same thing now
She isnt diagnosed has done this in the past i can tell. I thought she may be a narcissist but ive seen more than enough true raw emotions from her free willingly
weather its bpd or histrionic disorder or some kind of avoidant attatchement style i have been devalued . I have been causally casted aside.
It hurts so much, she left me for another guy immediately after the breakup.
Did she ever come back to you? I’m curious
@@temptorage6105 Not if the other guy “worked” out.
No bro. Dude was there before the breakup. Sorry to break the news to you. She was cheating. Happens with them all the time
You do get something right, you have a unique perspective on borderline, everyone with Borderline recognizes that. They try to correlate it with their own experience, and parts of it do resonates with a borderlines experience for sure, but other parts dont. This may be down to the heteroginity or lack of homosgenity in the diagnosis of this mental disorder or what you term "subsets" of BPD and so, what you describe is not going to reflective of everyone's experience with a borderline and you do add that as a disclaimer and emphasize this is only a GENERAL CASE. So, you are generalizing.This is what you see in most cases of BPD...but, DISCLAIMER, not all borderlines and partners etc will FIT into this GENERAL CASE. As far as PROFILING a borderline's REAL BEHAVIOUR (Their thoughts emotions and cognition or thinking ), I'd say you are among the best, and I say that, because anyone who wishes to receive your coaching in relation to BPD will be able to navigate that difficult relationship with the borderline...coping with NO CONTACT, etc. I should also mention, that Coach ken is exploring aspects of a BPD's relationship with others that other so-called experts dont or wont explore. He explains it, using words like "Trigger" and other words which completely resonates with the borderlines behaviour at that specific moment. In other words, as I said he is one of the best at profiling, finding PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOUR amongst borderlines. Keep up the videos Coach Ken, they are very insightful! TOPIC SUGGESTIONS for new videos: DOGS & BPD: dogs as mood regulators in BPD, MUSIC AND BPD: How music helps people with BPD to identify their emotions...just suggestions!
Shiiit this is soo hurtfull as hell😢
this vid may give false hope to a lot of ppl. Not sure how i feel about it
Hope is hope - you don't know if it's false until it plays out. Not a promise. Not a guarantee. Not sure how I feel about the comment
Day 26 of no contact, she texted me telling me that she brought the gifts I gave her back and placed it on my porch. If she can wait 26 days of NC, she can wait 6 hours before I reply with half the energy she texted me. I will be brief & polite with my text message.
I got threatened with the police with mental health. My ex I believe was both Narcissist and borderline
Sounds like she's right
I wish I learnt and studied all aspects of this 6 years ago ago as I 1st broke up because I just thought it was her depression and I let her come back in to the picture 15 mths ago and I was moved on to a new relationship for 3 years and I broke the new partners heart and broke myself in to half in the but we only was to just meet up as friends but she made me think it was really real again as it was 6 years ago as I did fail in love with her from the start but only this time we got engaged this time around but again she was the same woman all over again and Destroyed, my totally new relationship I had after her and destroyed money from my mums Inheritance that was left to me so unfair that I felt love again 6 years later and it goes on.but I feel I'll keep the rest in as the.pain is all there still why did I let her back in to my life
8 months ago she left her abusive ex for me. She ended one day as I was texting her arguing. Since she left she as asked the no contact person about mail but delayed getting her things. Gave her a final date for her things. She did not show up. Took her stuff to the dump. She did say to throw her stuff out but then went back and forth. I think she left her stuff her to eventually come back. However that won’t be possible.
It’s not a fun a game to play at all it’s reckless and too crazy. I would absolutely be a friend to her again but could never count on this person to actually commit to any relationship. It was one of the most brutal relationships of my life and in the end it was all a facade.
A year ago I met a girl at gym and we talked so much at the beginning, she told me she has BPD, she told be to not google it because there is bad things about it so to me it was like a trait of personnality but now i know its the majority, close to all, the personnality. One day, we met outdoor and she told me she wants to stop talking because she doesnt want she is the "number one" in my life and i told his bestfriends she "changed". It make 5 months I haven't see her but last month i texted her and we were close to meet again but at the last moment she told me she isnt ready to meet me again. Last week, I told her i want to see her but she wasnt available. I don't know how i can make her understand I dont want to leave her ( if she wants to keep me), to proof I'm still the good personn she found in me a year ago and I feel like i need to ask her on a "date" or she doesnt gonna make it. If someone met this situation I'm up for your feedbacks
Don’t chase her.
Don’t chase her man give her space let her chase you .
You clearly have no clue what is borderline :) RUN!!!!!
@@NMTDelightfulMusic agreed once she even gets a scent like a shark does with blood of you caring for her or wanting some sort of relationship that’s committed she will discard you and there will be practically nothing you can do about it only keeping no contact also they become stalkers so be very careful!
Dude. Please listen to me. I am a victim of a borderline ex wife. She just quit our 14 years of marriage. I also met my ex wife in the gym back than.
The pros of a borderline woman are:
+she will love you like a maniac! Borderline people have the ability to put you so high above the sky, you will think you are the luckiest man alive.
+ she will cook for you your favourite dishes - probably in underwear (I have experience)
+ she will adorn and tear you like a Greek good.
+ you probably will get the B-E-S-T(!!!!) Sex you could ever imagine and dream of! No taboos, no limits, no “no’s” (believe me in that as well”
BUT !!!
contra:
-she will be jealous as fuck!
-she will attack you constantly for things you didn’t made!
-she will constantly break up by every single possibility and that way manipulate your mind you could loose her any second!
That way those psychos get you in their spiderwebs!
-you will be scared to look or glimpse at woman at all. They manipulate you far enough you get panic attacks if a woman is on the same crosswalk as you!
Last but no least: in the end they will DEFINITELY break up with you.
I never ever had thought my wife would leave me one day. We had three pregnancies l, I saved her life twice and we had all those beautiful memories together.
Just few days after the divorce she told me, she couldn’t remember any good situation in those 14 years.
I am in a trauma therapy currently.
I met her at 18, she was 26. Now she is 42 and I am 34.
Could you imagine? I almost knew this person for half of my life.
If those girl had warned you, no matter how beautiful she maybe is: don’t fall in love with them. Please do yourself a favour and don’t think “ yeah I can handle that”. No bro, you can’t. They can’t and won’t help themselves n
My sister in law is BPD. My brother has been a saint for 25 years.
how did he make it keep together for so long ?
He's an enabler. If you are uncomfortable.
@@vampoftrance that might be a valid point. I do think he (my brother) would be an avoidant. I known that he doesn’t like her BPD behaviors.
Everytime we got back after a short break was usually me trying and once was told our old wasnt the same. It was a new but yet we never been apart was said
Thanks Ken your advice was valuable💙