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Going no contact with a Fearful Avoidant
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 1 ต.ค. 2020
- Need Advice? Talk one on one 👇🏾
www.fruitfulseedz.com
In this video, Coach Courtney Gatlin talks about going no contact with the fearful avoidant.
#FEARFULAVOIDANT #COACHCOURT #NOCONTACT
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You have liked and replayed to many of my comments I love the positivity you gave. I'd like viewer to know that yes no contact work on them it takes time but it works on them. But it should be strict no contact. Mine texted me I asked her out but didn't get definite yes. But I feel so satisfied and really not waiting for her yes or anything.if she comes to meet ok or else I am so good.
Raul thanks for contributing to the community! 🙏🏾
Please please please do not try and recontact an FA if they don’t own their own issues and take responsibility. There is NO way that a partner should be a therapist, and when an FA shuts down, they are self sabotaging in the mistaken belief it is keeping them safe. ( in a healthy relationship). FA’s treat healthy partners as though they are enemies and unhealthy partners as though they are “home. “. Feel glad you’re rejected by an FA. … it means you’re healthy. 💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼
I agree their not taking accountability issues will burn you out!
Just got away from one. For 3 months everything was going great, but one day I said something that made her feel like I was getting too close. As soon as I said it, her facial expression completely changed and I literally saw her attraction level for me drop from about 95% to zero within about 2 seconds. The next day she ghosted me. We got together and talked once since then and she said she would like to start over and try again...Haven't heard from her since. I was so hurt and confused until I was able to figure out what was going on with her. Just knowing that it's her and not me goes a long way in getting over this. Also, the relationship was mostly physical because physical intimacy is what she perceives as feeling loved as she cannot open up and allow herself to experience an emotional connection with someone. As a result she's extremely hypersexual.
@@harrycrowe7873 looks like you dodged a very wonky bullet there. …. I hasten to add that I’m assuming what you said was not actually “gross” or weird. But an FA CANNOT maintain relationships. Cannot. They are 100% ambivalent about connecting and healthy situations will create fear and dangerous situations will inspire a sense of safety in them. .. hence they will create unsafety wherever they are in intimacy. … they send mixed messages and are chaotic inside and out. ( asking to reconnect, then ghosting ). Feel free from this toxin and create security around you in every relationship.
@@MellowBellow1 I'll tell you what I said. I knew this woman casually 37 years ago. Since then we have just been friends on social media. She had always made it known that she was very interested in me. A few months ago we ran into each other at an event and I asked her if she would like to go out to dinner...After that we started dating (although she was highly allergic to the word "dating") for about 3 months. One night when she was at my place I said "well after 37 years we're finally together". Didn't mean anything serious by it but she panicked and ran for the hills.
@@harrycrowe7873 I’m so sorry. …. Isn’t that just absolute pure fear of intimacy in her though ….. yiu don’t deserve to have that response from such a warm and normal comment.
It’s soooo often the case that when things are healthy, normal and positive, happy even. … an FA will undermine it as though a catastrophe has occurred, rather than a positive experience. ….. it’s literally impossible to live with. … an FA WILL begin to think you are “bad” when you are kind and good because they literally cannot handle intimacy. … intimacy terrifies them. …. They seek it, yet cannot handle it.
In my humble opinion all FA’s should be single and not seek relationships at all. The anguish of that may create some form of growth and self awareness. ….
You FAs need to heal yourselves and stop hurting people.
I had so much sympathy and understanding and now I'm done. It's not up to your partners, who are put through countless pain in trying to support you through your fear of taking responsibility for your own healing. It's up to you.
Yes true. But all the AA‘s and DA‘s need to heal too. All of us 😂
I love how you mentioned we have to love them enough to let them go and find what they need to be happy
I hired this guy for a session.. HE IS AMAZING and deserves 1000x more views. Coach if you remember me I never got my girl back AS YOU TOLD ME and now that I have healed I realize she wasn’t worthy of the love it gave her.
Fearful avoidants YOU need to do the work and heal. Your partners can't except to understand you when you say I love you and then leave the next day, like come on seriously. It's not your partners job, it's YOUR job. Get yourself together. This poor lady has to go through an abrupt breakup during a pregnancy. How many more people are going to get hurt like this? Communicate and work on yourself so you don't leave people at the worse possible time.
Amen.
I’m an FA. Been 3 months and I finally am in the ‘I miss you’ stage.
Thanks for sharing that Ellie
how long was the relationship?
Did you try to reach out to reconcile the one you miss?
@@kicksalot9943 No. he’s a DA. I’ve done most of the reaching out and I cant make him be a partner anymore. Even though I may miss him, I know he’ll never change so I’ve moved on to someone that’s willing to fight for me as much as I fight for him.
@@jvdshow it was not long. 5 months but it had a lot of depth and I really loved him.
from my experience never reach out to an FA. they will keep dumping you and will lose respect. If they reach out and get back together. You need to have clear boundaries to start with & also the FA need to know their own behaviour & be ready to work towards becoming secure. if they are not ready to change just run dont even bother looking for your shoes, just run for your life without looking back.
Thanks for a great video Coach 🙌🏽 I am FA and I won’t reach out first if I was dumped. He (DA) needs to break no contact first. I feel like my heart would never heal if he rejected or ignored my ‘bid’. I would go into my shell, never to be seen or heard again. 🐢💔
I’m an FA but more on the dismissive side. Going no contact on me does not work because I would feel like the person doesn’t care about me 🤷🏼♀️ I would not easily reach out by myself after a break up.. only in rare occasions when my anxious side gets activated! Ugh I really want to heal ❤️ Thanks for your videos! ❤️
Sk D Send me an e-mail!
Coach Court thanks Coach for your reply! Will do so ! 😊
@@junelee5975 maturity comes in thinking about why they are not...not just thinking about yourself
But what if you blocked them how do they contact or should they
@@junelee5975 what if they told u to stop messaging as its making them feel horrible, been 2 weeks since my final break up and he broke up with me
Thank you for this video. My experience after asking for a period of No Contact with my Fearful Avoidant ex, they said that would be completely fine and invited me to reach back out to them when I was ready. But 3 weeks later they just blocked me without explanation. This spiteful behavior was hurtful of course, as it was likely intended to be. But I am learning through videos like this one that I should not take it personally, and this is really just another indication that this person does not have what it takes to be a good partner.
As a FA I can say that I typically mirror a persons actions. For the sake of not making a fool of myself.. my belief is that you never truly know how a person is feeling unless they tell you and even if they tell you they could be lying. So I tend to safeguard myself by allowing others to speak and move first. I do have a very confident side though so when I am not attached to anybody or feeling secure in myself, I can make all types of moves. Im also on a healing journey right now. I’m working with my anxious emotions as and when they arise in my body and becoming aware of my dismissive nature, reiterating and affirming that connection is a beautiful thing. And Not something that I need to run from. My partner is actually a FA too. And we are getting there. Slowly but surely..
Good for you guys!
this is a very unhealthy way of thinking and not rooted in authenticity
Wow ! So much growth on your channel ! Still love the videos ! Have you done a video on anxiety in relationships ?
Thanks Renée! Any thing that’s anxious preoccupied behavior is basically rooted in anxiety. 🌱
He come back after 2 months of contact 0 , I was the one who broke up, I told him to don’t call me again , that I will call him . Of course I was not planing to call him never . He called me and told me that he miss me so much. I had a trauma bond with him because of his inconsistency. Now again he is getting dismissive. He is in another country . He wanted me to move there with him , I told him no . I said that maybe he can come back here and we can move together, he said that yes . He of course feel rejected because I said no to go there for him . I’m a AA and I was workin on myself I’m getting more secure and he is too afraid to be vulnerable.
Yeah done reaching out to my fearful avoidant. I'm not done with her but her ways at this point I require reciprocal love and actions 🤷🏾 you have to be in a state of I don't chase I attract with them. It's been a learning process.
I think some FA's turn their AA partners into FA's after dumping them.
I agree
Yep. Happend to me
I think that happened to me. I definitely have a stronger anxious side.
That’s me💆🏼♀️ but trying to become secure!
I’m FA. The breadcrumbs can also be a way to both keep the peace and avoid being too dismissive or mean towards someone. It isn’t always a way to keep them there, it can be a way to kind of put a barrier and give them enough so they will eventually go away. I know this sounds confusing and it isn’t fair. We can be coming from a place of guilt. We need to work on our boundaries and communication.
If I really like a person I can also breadcrumb out of embarrassment- like I want to reconnect but I’m either humiliated from past behaviour and don’t want to be full on or I’m testing waters to see if the dynamic has a chance this time round. Soon enough, we are usually back to square one and the cycle repeats.
I would hate to be on the receiving end of myself. I’ve only just realised I’m FA, so now I can work on myself.
But breadcrumbing isn’t good for you either. It’s not honest to either party. If you want to repair a breach, you have to be brave and repair. If you don’t want someone to come back, tell them that and go no contact; don’t breadcrumb.
If you LIKE someone then repair and consider the relationship as possible and meaningful.
Also; never ever blame the other person if you’re triggered and shut down. Own that you are triggered and don’t blame the other person.
Someone who loves you does not intend to set off your trigger points. It WILL happen in attachment though.
So if you own your triggers and don’t blame anyone then you can start to heal.
( I’m not referring to actual abusive behaviour being a trigger. That’s not a trigger, it’s abuse. )
Breadcrumbing is cruel and self serving
That's cruel and selfish. You're prolonging someone's pain and anxiety by giving them false hope, just to avoid the conflict that you're so uncomfortable with. You people really need to stay out of relationships.
Bread crumbing is immature and abusive and manipulative behavior
Excellent information. I will definitely give it a month now that I've seen this video. it's so refreshing to hear a coach with a different perspective due to having an in-depth knowledge about attachment styles. Many other coaches just tell us to move on, don't waste your time, the guy is not that into you and they don't take attachment styles into account; so I sincerely thank you for this information.
I sincerely thank you for the motivation! 🙏🏾
Happy New Year! 🎊
@@IamCoachCourt I tried to reach out to him, no response. I'm really devastated now
@@Mrs.T305 try not to take it personal, did you do any self work during this time? Are you an anxious preoccupied?
@@IamCoachCourt
Yes, very anxious 😰. And all men I meet are either dismissive or fearful.
Yes, I am trying to work on me.
@@Mrs.T305 there are a TON of different valuables you have to be certain about with their style. If you reach out while they’re still in the relief stage they will get annoyed.
th-cam.com/video/9p3bgndOxPU/w-d-xo.html
I told my ex that I don't want to be in this rollercoaster, cause he was about to leave and go to another country (very far away), and he said he wanted to be free there which was too much for me. But he kept wanting to stay in touch. He broke first 'no contact' period by sending me a gift, but I asked him not to put me through hot and cold again and I asked him not to contact me again. He said he will respect it. After three weeks he asked if I am using the gift, cause if not, he might need money from it. I found it rude and didn't answer, next day he blocked me on fb and msg.
It has been over a month. I don't know if I was too harsh, but I couldn't afford the feeling of being in love, but all the time hearing "I am going to leave and we will break each others hearts".
I am fearful avoidant. I feel safe by NO contact. I am sad deep inside but i have to protect myself from future heartbreak when i know the person is no good for me
Thanks for sharing that Mae
Would you not reach out if he was good for you but you dont want to hurt him?
Hey! Thanks for the great video! One question comes to mind. When going no contact with a FA, is it better to let them know you think you shouldn’t see/contact each other for a while or just go directly no contact? In terms of showing up as safe, it would make sense to let them know that at some point you would like to get in touch again, but from the avoidant side of them, this would probably not be enough for them to actually activating again as there is a promise of you not being completely unavailable.
Great video coach
MsChinaNatasha Thank you ☺️
I have been identified as a fearful avoidant and consistency can be scary for me. Most times I’m looking for something to go wrong
I don't think a month of NC is long enough for FA, their dismissive side has been enjoying their freedom and they're just beginning to feel their feelings about the breakup
That's an interesting comment,was wondering the same thing.Mine will be 5 weeks of NC on Sunday,I'm healing and I'm debating whether a "Happy Easter " (hope you are well,give your Mom my best,et) message is still a little too soon to allow myself the contact.
@@channa1955 when they break up with you I know it is very painful, however I feel you need to respect yourself and they lose their privilege to you from their decision. And if they don't respect you, they can never love you. And if they loved you, you would not be here. If they are too fearful to be rejected and come back and repair things they should not of broke up and hurt you so bad in the first place. Just my opinion.
@@theartofmichaelpape Thank You for the nice words and sage advice.I needed to hear it .
I am an FA and this isn't true. When I break up with someone it's because in my mind something was said to make me think that person is no longer into me and doesn't want me. So even though I technically ended things in my mind that person ended things...so I don't reach out because I think they don't want me even though I am anxiously waiting by the phone waiting for a call. If a FA dumped you, reach out. Basically, I break up with someone but still feel I got broken up with and I feel like the reject. Hence why I am single lol.
@@AceOfWands895 I also understand that, the fear of rejection and low self-esteem almost rewriting the story and FAs feelings like they were rejected when they ended it. But I no longer feel the codependent guilt and don't want to enable my FA unhealthy behaviors. The reality is that HE pulled away and ended it. I know he can dissociate but he needs to collect the facts and remember who did what. And contact me. I am AP/Secure, and now I need him to step up and show me he cares for me.
So many games it seems with this man. On friends level ( if you can call it that) at the moment and sensing this is all he will ever be because of past experience. Lots of female friends he keeps at arms length. He thinks hes best being on his own always. Sad really but the amount of damage hes been through that may well be the case.Watching these videos is helping me understand the dynamic. I've had the patience of a Saint! But really considering now whether to cut my losses. I can't be his Saviour.
What are your thoughts on FA's jumping into dating immediately after breakup, is that part of coping or because they detached from the previous relationship long before it officially ended?
3 to 4 weeks? Oh man that hurts. I really wanted to message my FA about the 3 week mark when it seemed like she was lonely and maybe missing me. I was in coaching with relationship hero and was told to stay the course and wait a little over a month. Right after that 3 week mark my ex started a new relationship and 6 weeks later it seems she’s moved in with him. She never would talk to me. Never replied. Nothing has ever hurt me so much. She was so right for me and I thought it was mutual. She was always telling me she was happy, our passion, intimacy, she had become my best friend. And my sister triggered her anxiety and she was gone the next day. I don’t know if I did no contact wrong but the wound hurts like the day she left. It’s been 2 and a half months.
Thank God for whatever your dear sister did to "trigger" that woman. It's better to leave you early can make your life turn into hell later, especially if you get married and have kids.
@@Ssookawai I wouldn’t say that. Turns out she’s pregnant. Makes what my sister did burn that much more. I’m praying like mad that we can reconcile.
Update Klay ? Did you ever reach out?
Dude... She jumped into a rebound. I know it hurts, but man oh man if you then stick to no contact, you'll bust that rebound. Give us updates man!!
@@klaysmith9675 it wouldn't have solved anything either to stay... try to stay in contact for the sake of your child but move on, it was just a matter of time before she turns that life inside her into a bargaining chip to drain you out of your life.
I'm not really sure what type she is. She's the one who left me a short break up text after 4 1/2 years and I'm just exhausted trying to figure it all out right now. I really really REALLY miss her every second of the day and have been in this deep depression while in the 2 month no contact with her.
Move on dude. I’m sorry. But move on. My ex is a dismissive avoidant, she moved on after 2 weeks after a big blow up that she caused 100 percent and wouldn’t apologize.
move on, you don’t want that
I am an Anxious and my partner is Avoidant but what confuses me is that she got really triggered about some things and i started working on my self a month ago and she even acknowledged how immerse the change and how fast. She never broke up with me but she was distant and currently we live in different counties. The last conversation we had she went on full panic mode as soon she mention breaking up and i had to calm her down by making her do some breathing work. I suggested since she never really took some time for her self and clearly she don't wont to lose me by the way she acting to do some no contact since i was every other day trying to reach out. I though it would be good for her to relax and get some space and for her to finally be able to feel her feelings without fear. When i mentioned that she start panicking again what if but i want to know how you doing and how's your new job going etc. I took that again as a positive since all i read and heard is that if avoidant wants to break up they just do. I never saw any video mentioning something similar to my situation. Do you think no contact will be good in my case?
Anxious attachment here who is/was dating a FA. 6 months on and off but consistently 1.5 months. He honestly is genuine and says he has feeling sir me and show progress in being vulnerable but only gives me a little. Our point of contention is he wants more time before he commits and it takes him a while. Which is fine but in the meantime he is sleeping around back to BACK. Him and are not not btw but are very intimate still. I finally left him after we had a progressively intimate night and he slept with one girl the next day and had a date with a different girl….oh and we had a trip planned together the following day. He was honest about everything and warning me this probably would happen but this is how he gradually transitions to a “committed relationship”. I told him I felt so hurt and disrespected and I did not go on the trip. Any advice?
First time i went no contact and broke it after 2 weeks of not being able to bare it. I friend zoned myself and we got back. It failed again months later. I now waited 5 months before reaching out. She was as cold as ice. All feelings lost and no chance. Best advise is what coach just said, 2 to 4 weeks and just be there for them. But will it work out ...... sadly i doubt it.
mine blocked me for looking at her instagram stories, ironically i was only looking at them so i can see where she might be so i can avoid here, to give her the space she so desprately needed. i dont know if she even gets emails from me she blocked my number too. she still communicates with my brother for business stuff but never asks about me. im only on about day 7 of no contact. lets see what happens
Its so strange to watch a video about my own attachment style ☺️
Even more strange to hear how you give others advise about it.
Does it resonate with you? 🤷🏾♂️
@@IamCoachCourt I guess everybody is different in a way.
My answer to you is yes and no.
Starts here 3:18
not sure if you will see my comment, but you mentioned 4 weeks time, dont you think it is a bit too early for them to reach out? (considering their FA attachment) also I heard from many coaches that you need to give them at least 2 months before you even reach out, even a normal discussion is preferred to be avoided, a very strict no contact for 2 months (AT LEAST). what do you think?
From experience, you typically dont need to wait that long with an FA
During no contact, do you delete them on social media?
Only if you can't handle seeing them
Hey I have a question, my fearful avoidant ex broke up with me. It was messy, she left me because I was to clingy and wouldn’t give her space. Her mom has bpd and bipolar -depression so it made it hard sometimes. She also has both. She contacted me but I messed it up by being to clingy. She then told me two days later that she met a guy that she wanted to have sex with but they didn’t. After 9 days I reached out and told her I respect her decision but I lost a lot of attraction for her because of that… (we were engaged just a month and a half before) so she switched her status on Facebook to single to try and get my attention… any tips on how to get another chance? She only lasted 8 days with no contact the first time… but I feel like I really messed up. I told her to forget about me, because I was upset. Is there any coming back from this?
She may have switched her status not to get your attention but to release herself from feeling attached or clung to. Just a possibility. I’m FA. If someone has very high emotional needs and they attach those needs to us, we feel invaded upon. She may create enough distance to free herself from that, coz it’s a feeling of being invaded/trapped/smothered. When she feels free of it, she would come back only if she really likes you, or else why bother subjecting yourself to that again once you’ve freed yourself from it. It seems she does like you as she gave it another chance in past.
She would be hoping that this time she feels different and not trapped or smothered. I think you have the best chance of you lay some boundaries for her and yourself and stick to them. If she feels smothered each time, she will run again.
@@AQ31276 your feedback helped me as well with my current ex that I melted down after we broke up/ separated after 5.5 years. Thank you for posting!
Two to three weeks for him to feel something? It’s been a year and haven’t heard from him. :(
Find someone who gives you the time of day. There's only so much patience you can have, and there's no guarantee that it will pay off.
3-4 weeks feels like way too early to reach out
I'm not an expert by any means but from the research I've done it seems to me like full NC (no first contact) is best if you want to get an FA ex back because it triggers their fear of abandonment. Contacting them to see how they are would put them at ease but you really don't want them to be at ease, you want them to be anxious and worried about losing you. It's what I'm doing anyway, I'm just under 6 weeks in.
@Anthony Timmers We'll see, I feel there's a good chance, I appreciate you trying to help me but I want what I want. I'm a securely attached person and I'm comfortable waiting to see what happens
@@fringeelements5744 Anthony timmers is making some great points. I was in the same boat and securely attached. Let them go it will never be what you want and deserve
@@sunleepark761 Thank you both, I'll try to let go
@@fringeelements5744 I made it sound easy in my comment - IT IS NOT but you have to remember you will not hurt forever
Start at 3:08
Doesn’t breaking no contact after 3-4 weeks if you were dumped seem too soon?
Depends on the attachment style
@@IamCoachCourt can you clarify that? We are probably talking about an anxious and avoidant style here
@@ninjamonkey508 you should go no contact pretty much indefinitely and focus on yourself. If she reaches out again you want to show her you truly are a changed person. If not atleast youll feel good about yourself still for working on you. Best advice you can get
@@Kain5th I wrote this about three weeks ago when I was still learning about no contact and attachment styles. I've become scholarly on the topic now. But my question about his comment saying it "depends on the attachment style". And for the record I don't agree with indefinitely, not unless you DONT ever want them back. If they break it and you still feel some kind of way then you can answer them back but it's true that you should keep it going for healings sake.
@@ninjamonkey508 oh yeah if they reach out definitely don’t ignore them. I just mean there should be no ‘30 days’ nonsense. Just stay in no contact and work on yourself. If/when they reach out thats when you reply back. Do not ignore them then
Coach, what if you broke up with the FA out of frustration, but you still want to make it work? Would you follow the strategy in the video and reach out? I did so after 1 month no contact, still waiting for response but I am patient.
If you're the one that broke up you shouldn't do no contact
A FA won't reach out if you're the one who broke up because they will be to afraid to be rejected again
if you want an FA…. Dont smother but you have to be pretty vulnerable and loving to them. Watch videos on FA/DA and no contact for me is about 5/6 weeks I have a panic attack and miss my ex.
I was in no contact for 7 months, reached out, it went well, but she's seeing someone, now. She is Fearful Avoidant, and has her walls up, again with me, so now I am in no contact, again, and it has been a week and a day.
@@junelee5975 Yeah, that's a fair point, too. We'll see what happens. I'm not too worried about it now. Haha
@@playalot86 what happened 😅
Update
Hi my relationship is fixed back again
my ex is back to me we loving and
happily together, I got help from a
man who brought us back together. he helped me in getting rid of third party that was involved in my relationship
@✛19059193258❤⏯⏯눈‸눈
My f-a left about a month ago and I'm 5 months pregnant which was planned by both of us.
I've tried begging and pleading and all he says is he has lost feelings and wants to be alone but maybe we could be friends for the parenting side.
I feel I have to go no contact for a while to heal myself and protect my baby as the stress is intense.
I wish I had known about this attachment style before. He was someone who came on very strong for many months and promised the world and so many plans. Now those plans are underway, he ran. 🥺
I'm FA and i have already cut people off out of the blue but i would never have left my partner knowing she's pregnant. That looks more like a DA thing to do!
@@RhazesRhazes yeah I'm still trying to figure out his attachment style in order to try and find out what happened.
He was extremely open and loving and affectionate right up until the day he ended it.
Although he is quite impulsive with his feelings and told me he is seeing a therapist to figure out why he suddenly just lost all feelings and wants to be alone.
I never knew he was any type of avoidant as he always seemed very invested in us.
@@giglet52 how long have you been together before he left? As a FA, i'm extremely opened, affectionate and invested in my love relationship, i could be the perfect lover. But when i feel overwhelmed, i can just run away from everything and cut off people without a single glimpse behind and a single explanation. Everytime i left a relationship, it's because i felt overwhelmed. And i always felt super relieved to leave those relationship. And i never felt like i missed them or wanted to see them again. And i could never bring myself to explain to those people why i cut them off because i didn't want to hurt them and face their reaction. But if they had reached out to me by mail, showing me through a letter that they could understand my cutting them off as a defence mecanism to protect myself, i would have probably answered them. But they didn't. FA is the most misunderstand type. We often feel misjudged, so we'd rather be alone. Feeling understood and accepted the way we are is what we secretly yearn the most for. Very few people can understand our fears, so even though we yearn for love and connection, we fear what comes with having a relationship: Expectations.
@@RhazesRhazes not that long. It was a whirlwind of 12 months and he initiated everything and chased heavy. Made big plans and discussions and couldn't do enough for me
Would be on the phone to me several times a day even. We were sorting out moving in together and then the baby coming and he just started a new job. Stressful but he seemed fine and reassured me all was gonna be ok.
Then suddenly he tells me he feels distant and has lost all feelings for me and wants space, this then turned into wanting to end the relationship completely. He keeps texting to check on me that I'm ok cause he said he feels guilty and still cares but it makes me angry cause he only speaks to me cause he feels he has to and is devoid of affection in any form.
@@giglet52 as a FA, i know we can be overgiving, and we can be super invested in the beginning of a relationship. Up to that i undesrstand his attitude. But there must be a reason why he left . Something triggered his core wounds. If he couldn't tell you what triggered him, that means he didn't feel safe enough with you to tell you Often FA men believe they have to live up to their lover's expectations and requirements. They pressure themselves into reaching those requirement ( even more if you're the kind of women who has high expectations or if you show at some point that you have expactations). This pressure may be so intense that going out of the relationship can be seen like a huge relief. He may have felt trapped too. You could try initiating a frienship with him without looking for a love relationship. And through this frienship, you could show him how deep you understand him and accept him just the way he is without any expectations. He may open up at some point and tell you how he feels and why he left. He obviously went through some trauma, and being angry at him won't change anything. He must already hate himself for being like this. I have a FA friend who has always been uable to have a long term relationship because he freaks out when things turn serious. He's depressed because he wants to get married and have children and he just don't know how to overcome his fears. That's messed up. I think FAs really need to feel overreassured that we won't judge them even if they're not good enough, that we won't expect much from them, that they won't be trapped in the relationship, that we will respect their boundaries without having to voice them,.
Gosh human beings never truly grow up (mature)
Kind of off topic but can a secure person become a DA within the same relationship or were they always a DA just putting their best foot forward in the beginning?
DAs are great in the beginning.
Otherwise no one would ever be with them in the first place.
They are often good actors, future fakers and you might think you've met your Soul mate.
The minute you rely on them emotionally, they get overwhealmed and withdraw.
So it was in my case.
Secure people don't just become insecure. I've heard from other coaches that DA's come off as secure because they're so laid back. Once feelings start to get stronger then they get triggered and start to act out
@@peraltajg21 very good point....I still see her as being "laid back", which is propably just insecurity...
Yes, It could be insecurity. DA's also tend to be aloof because they're not good at empathizing. They don't understand or know how to deal with their own feelings, much less someone else's
Hay Namaste 🙏. Your English is fantastic. 👍. Love from India. 🇮🇳
Love from the USA!
I wish I knew what style my ex is lol. She’s very hard to read
How was she bro? Like avoiding conversation? Or she was good communicator??
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my ex is a fearful avoidant i think as he has the anxious but hes more dismissive and introvert and suffers from depression
he would constantly tell me he loves/loved me look into my eyes when having sex always kissing and cuddling me but yet there were times he would say he doesnt want sex, he doesnt want to kiss me its making him feel smothered wouldnt stay over more then 1 time a week or 1 time every 2 weeks, a handful of times in 9 months he would stay 2/5 nights in a row but then he would want to leave
he was fun loving but he would have days when he didnt want to talk to me, broke up with me 4 times in 9 months but would pull me back in hours/days, this time he has been hot and cold since our breakup
he knows i love him to bits but he said b4 he is in love with me but wants to have kids with someone near his age even tho i could have kids and we couldnt get on any better when we are together
when we had our break up talk 2 weeks ago he was crying and crying and holding me saying he didnt want to let me go and when i took him home he kissed me and said he loved me and looked very sad, i couldnt even speak then i got out the car and called him and ran up to him crying and said i loved him too and said "we will be alright wont we?" and he said yes and he hugged me again and we both were really sad and then parted ways, he was really nice to me for 3 days after and then just turned saying not to text him and that he hadnt changed his mind
i then left it a week and text him again he was nice but then went cold again, told me us messaging makes him feel bad/hurt
i have no idea what to do to win him back or to try at lease as he has told me not to contact him,he doesnt even want me as a friend which makes me feel pretty worthless that he doesnt at least want something :(
Did he ever contact you?
Honestly, this, was just like my ex. But he said I cause the drama!! But I went through 4 years of ambiguity, gameplaying and lies basically. It's not worth getting back together. Trust me, it's just painful and a waste of your precious time.
What about if the FA rebounded after 6 weeks
Hello! I separated with my fearful avoidant ex like 1.5 weeks ago. She wanted to end it after an accident I had because she was so closed of and could have given the care she needs to that she thinks she can not recognize herself. And she think im seeking other girls when she isn't there which isn't true. I was so disappointed and angry the way she ended it when I had that injury. So I wrote back really heavy and bad that we shouldn't see each other again ever, cut the contact completely, she didn't deserve anything I gave her etc. I regret it now. And I didnt know about any attachments before we were separated. She unfollowed and didn't answer me. In her message she wanted to stay friends but I said I don't want her anywhere near me from my anger. Now it's been 1.5 weeks. I don't know what to do. I want her back. Should I first say sorry make it natural and go in no contact after or should I wait 1 months then reach out? I don't think she will reach me because I didn't give her any open doors 😪😪
My ex is definitely FA and we're headed into week 6 of NC. She unfollowed me on Twitter but kept me on Snapchat week 2, but not looking at my snaps. Her birthday was Monday and mine is tomorrow. I miss her but also not willing to break NC.
James Baiye I went no contact and he reached out 2 weeks exactly. Then he deactivated again within 3 days because he m misunderstood something I said and now it's been between 2-3 weeks. The thing is I am losing feelings for him. A relationship needs nurturing. If they are missing for weeks, you are not getting your needs met. Question whether or not you want to keep going through this. If they are not willing to talk and or get help it will become a pattern. You are nice looking and obviously sensitive. Remember you are worthy of better and have much to give. Something to think about. It's a very difficult attachment style to navigate.
@@lindahollingsworth2567 I appreciate the compliment!
We've known each other for a decade and have been romantic before including a 2 year relationship. We just keep missing each other due to her medical condition. As she's presently and temporarily (but not permanently) on a medicine that's affecting her hormones. Seems to be the one thing we can't overcome. I've loved her for 7 years, if I felt she was just a regular around the way girl I would have been over her. She's just special and always has been to me.
I wish we stop putting a timeline on thing because that’s not how it works in reality. That is misleading. Because then when it doesn’t happen, people turn around and blame you. You echo the same thing other coaches say that proves false
I’ve coached a lot of people