Here’s what I have learned. Dismissive avoidants don’t often reach out first and will instead miss you in silence, but you should still not break no contact. Hear me out, if they won’t reach out to you due to their attachment style then they clearly haven’t worked on healing their insecure attachment. You don’t want them back if they won’t even try to do the work or else you will just be caught in a cycle of breaking up, or neglect. You don’t just want them back, you want a HEALTHY relationship with them. So no contact and if they reach out then maybe they are working on themselves and getting closer to secure. If they never reach out, they probably didn’t do the work and you deserve better. They broke it and it isn’t your responsibility to fix what they broke. Stay in no contact and stay strong
I would say if you really feel like it is true love. Which if you are here I would guess you are like me working at making your anxious insecurity more secure leaning. I would say if you really love them, Don’t have a time limit Set of how long you should Do no contact. Meaning do not even keep count of how long you Do it. Don’t even make a date for yourself to move on. I think Chris has a video With a part about moving on without Moving on. It’s kind of like that. If you really love them. And they really truly love you deep down. Hard resist no contact and don’t even think about contacting them. If they love you they should have some sort of realization that their loneliness and there failed attempts at flirting with other people to suppress feelings of forgetting you and moving on, only make themselves think about you and miss you more. If they really love you they will have to be honest with themselves. Even if they are future faking other people. Or talking to people online, or even dating. They will eventually feel the loneliness and question why you were different than what she expected from everyone else. I would be very cautious about taking them back if they even come back. And really deal with any insecure attachments and also understand what an avoidant really needs. That is going to make it much simpler and easier, if you aren’t going to give up on them like they expect. I say this as advice to myself. I really don’t think my ex is going to come back to me. But if she truly loves me. Loneliness and not finding the one is what is going to bring her back and hopefully inspire her to heal by noticing your shift in perspective of the relationship. Sadly I see why everyone says to give up on them it’s not worth the heart ache. But I really love this person. If that is true. Why would I give up on her. I leave her in no contact hoping the space makes her see one day That she feels something too that is repressed love now. I hope this works for Me. I hold space and love and forgiveness for all the hurt I have felt. But there is a difference between holding space and desperately counting a deadline and waiting for her to wake up from her own nightmare. I love her. There is space for her if she wants to come back and actually work on healing herself. But I’m certain the key to holding the space for her is forgiving, letting go, and keeping love for her like when you first fell in love with her. Not holding on to bitterness for her behaviors. But also not waiting or expecting her to come back To you and return her love again. Only God can wake up the fire that sleeps inside that needs to become active. Like a sleeping volcano no longer dormant, but now awake. I hope for loneliness to be the catalyst that awakens her to heal. Why no contact hard. Like almost I imagine it like letting her come begging for you back that she will do whatever it takes to have you back. But I just hope she awakes and hold love for her and keep space for her if she returns. But the sad part is letting go of counting, or expecting, or anticipating if she will or not. Let her go. I heard once Something like, that if it is meant for you, God won’t block it from you. Praise God bro no matter what God’s plan is for these situations we ponder in our hearts and minds daily. God Bless you and yours 🙏💙💪
There's no way that I would want to go around and around with an avoidant, just to deal with being pushed away. People like that need to fix their issues or end up alone.
Agreed. It’s selfish to expect your partner to always be the vulnerable one, which is especially thankless as the partner of a DA as you face rejection and being pushed away on a consistent basis. Very few people with better options will choose to subject themselves to this. I finally decided to let my DA go until he’s willing to put in the work, one way or another, and if that never happens then so be it
This. I want to talk to my ex again. Not for the sake of getting back but just to make them aware of this so that they at least one day have a chance at a healthy relationship if they go to therapy and fix their issues. But knowing her she probably would take it the wrong way and shut down even more smh. So likely she’ll be doomed to go from failed relationship to failed relationship. Oh well not my problem now I guess
Ok here’s a tip, yes they do come back if they really like you, BUT they coming back doesn’t mean they are coming back to stay. They will leave again if they haven’t worked on themselves, AND it doesn’t matter how many videos you watch and learn about avoidants there’s nothing can do for them, just work on YOU and your own attachment style.
@wizardofaus2985 I’m in the same place. I wonder since mine is a Dismissive avoidant, I wonder if she will avoid Initiating divorcing me since that will make her vulnerable to facing conflict that could induce feelings of intimacy memories, or even shame and guilt. So my question is. Do they avoid doing the divorce? Or is divorce only conveniently done by them if they get reward like incentive for money, or property, or incentive for them to be free to marry someone else. Just curious as mine said she did not want to be together with Me. But she never said she wants to divorce me. So confused and hurt. But hey. Aren’t we all here feeling this type of way
I’ve been going in circles for three years with a da and although it consists of the best times I’ve ever had with a person I am totally over it. The ignoring, the lack of communication about any feelings in or out of the relationship, and basically letting them steer the entire schedule of when we are together. After they take off from being triggered from some talk of commitment or me voicing any grievances, I have to spend weeks detaching. The moment I myself am free they show up at my door again and my anxious ways always fold and let it start over. I wish he’d move to another town or better yet country! It’s just not worth any of it!
@@xLithiumxmine has came back 3 times & ran scared again every time so far. I sent him bday present 1st come back and when he reached out immediately after 5 weeks no contact I tried to be friends only now (that heartbreak was NO JOKE), he wasn’t having it. He wanted to see me now, we are so in love but I’m not qualified to help him with his issues. It’s been a year now, he’s the love of my life but the hurt feelings, confusion and inability to communicate effectively over shadow the love. He keeps me a secret, doesn’t introduce me when we run into people. He’s all meshed with my life & people, but I only know him and this erratic behavior. The deeper he falls in love with me, the further he runs & avoids. I never reach out to him period except for his bday in Jan to send joke gift. I honestly don’t think he does it on purpose, but I have caught him playing games concerning his X. She’s allowed in his life, I am not. It hurts me more than I can bare or deserve. I’m sorry he deals with this but feel he should have been honest about being a DA from beginning. I’ll love him forever, I won’t tolerate this push/pull any longer. I gave it my all. A love like ours don’t come around often if at all. We both lost ❤
So you have to be able to mind read, because they are not going to come back on their own, and if you reach out too soon they won't be in the "longing phase". You just have to know when is right, somehow. And even if you reached out at the right time, they will probably run again because you crunched your salad too loudly and they entered into fault finding again. It really is impossible.
This describes it perfectly. They use any slight thing that isn’t fitting their narrative as an excuse as to why it’s not worth even voicing their needs cause it’s all your fault anyway. Self esteem issues to the max… and I know why. Their childhood abuse was horrific and they perpetuate that cycle of an inability to voice their needs and blaming others for not doing the work required to heal themselves because “what’s the point” anyway
HAHAHA “CRUNCHED YOUR SALAD TOO LOUD”. God forbid we sneeze too loudly or do anything to hurt an avoidants feelings otherwise they’ll run away into a hole again. I say GOOD RIDDANCE to these people. We need to be with people who will stick by us and not people who will run away at the first sight of conflict
Dude, i was watching both our kids at my place all day while she was at home. I invited her over to spend night set up for her. She comes over unexpected with her two huge dogs drunk, dog pisses on my carpet at the top of my stairs full load, i say did the dogs need to come? I wasnt happy but wasnt overly mad, but me expressing something for once im the bad guy and now here watching videos about these fools. Our families are like almost integrated we both have young girls, she spends nights often, we kissed in front of children we sleep together. But one slight or criticism and they bounce. Our relationship has been only 4 months too, lol. We blended so fast but shes available once a week to drink and bang, then shes a ghost for Could only open up being drunk, cried to me telling me over and over again to please never leave her.. heres the kicker we never been on a date, she asked once, i asked twice, she always cancels. But date or dating is too serious? Why blend our families why do this in front of our kids, confusing people, feel more hurt in this brief situationship then when my marriage collapsed for some reason. These people will literally drive you mad.
@@michaella5799 That sounds like a nightmare, but it doesn't sound like a Dismissive Avoidant. They don't do pleading to not leave or any overly emotional stuff. Could be fearful avoidant or perhaps just emotionally unhealthy or narcissistic?
Now I know what's wrong with him! I've never dealt with anyone like this before. It's awful! I literally just told him I've moved on. Life is what happens when you're busy making plans, and he is so focused on himself that he never saw me. Thank you for this. I wish I had found this out a year ago. I'm not reaching out to him. He can stay gone. It's better for me this way.
Mine was love of my life! Imagine my surprise at 62, he’s 72 when my dream come true turned into a DA? I know it feels like you are being played, that’s not it. In my opinion most unhealed DA’s are allergic to love, they didn’t have it in their formative years. It repulses them now. Very sad.
Sad. For 18 years I’ve gone through this cycle with a DA. I am an FA so I give him all the space he needs until he is ready to talk again and he contacts me. They have multiple relationships and unless you cut this cycle, they will continue to create it. My advice is to become secure yourself and move on to a healthier relationship.
Dated my DA gf for nearly 8 months before she, out of the blue, ditched me. Had a really bad heartbreak. Learned about NC but failed miserably over and over again, full blown anxiety. Did all the errors. Out of the blue she sent me a text that she was thinking about me… took four months with failed nc. I have read that they can send text, communicate like nothing has happened.
My DA always comes back 😅think the most he lasted was 2 months & now the time grow shorter n shorter for him to come back , he can’t stay away long enough from me , but it took two years to gain all this trust I have with him , not easy but some are worth it all ❤
Thank you for sharing your personal perspective from your own experience. It matches some of the visible characteristics I've seen from what I am convinced is a dismissive avoidant, and we are always wondering "what are they ACTUALLY thinking," so this insight is so helpful.
I brokeup with my bf, who is an avoidant, and I’m anxious.. we are in our second breakup, first time he broke up with me and came back after 3 months. Now after 2 weeks of NC he texted me but still doesn’t want to get back together, he wants to move on but he is acting with me like nothing happen and text me like a friend 🤷♀️ I have the feeling that he will come back third time 😅
This makes me think forced psychological interrogations and therapy are needed for society. Nobody should be another person's personal punching bag and psychologist.
My DA ex girlfriend after 7 months of dating broke up with me with no reason whatsoever. Her reason was ridicolous and it was just a excuse to leave. I tried to convince her not to do it but i never begged or anything. After 5 weeks of no contact she reached out to me without anything significant. I talk with her like with a buddy. Just few sentences a day. Its just a small talk. She never mentioned anything about us and what happenned. She reached out to me four days in a row with good morning text. And my question is: what does she want from me???? I am so confused...
Similar to me, got on unbelievably well for 2/3 months, we both had quite unique quirks, neither of us pushy, and then its "you talk too much" ...."I think I've been put off dating", had no contact and then she came running back two weeks later out of the blue, then we were back to getting on well everyday for another 2/3 months and then the day we're suppose to meet up again its "I can't be bothered with this" and now not spoken for 6 weeks 😂 it's sad to be honest, is what it is
I broke up with a DA and it took them 7 months to contact me after finding out I had moved on, of course with a rebound. I sincerely loved her despite her ways. We've started communication by txts and everything seems to be controlled by her. I have left it that way and play a long game. However, following the break up as part of my begging, I bought a very pricey, nice necklace as a sorry! I am wondering if she kept the necklace or she threw it in the bin.
Bro she kept the necklace if she is a DA and really liked you the same way you loved her. I just always think about the phantom ex theory and how we could never be good enough, they always knew there is the one out there that is better. In reality they find out in the long game, not one perfect one out there. God speed and respect for the space you hold for your love. I have always told my self in life and in love - ‘Never Give up’
I saw the signs of this person I dated for two months as someone so scared of getting close but then also love bombing me. Telling me she was falling for me. We went away for a weekend and then she got all distant after a great getaway. She kept saying she was confused and that I had so many expectations. I was falling too and I told her and I said but these arguments aren’t coming out of no where. It feels like you keep me at arms length and after me saying that shit she broke up. Two weeks later I see her on a dating app. Lol. Oh well. I’m doing no contact but I won’t lie. I’m a little hurt still but I’m going to look out for me.
DAs can be great people, but they rarely make good partners. Sorry, but they don't have skills for relationship. They depend completely on others for the relationship to work (they don't have a "glue"). They also have an unrealistic view of relationships -- expect someone perfect for them, and they themselves don't do the least: showing up (being present) in a relationship. Although there is an explanation, they treat their partners unjustifiably. There is no justification for ghosting, stonewalling, breadcrumbs, monkey brenching etc. Like all of us, they need psychotherapy, it's not just a matter of attachment style.
My ex is like this. We work together so it’s a lot of longing from afar. He will smile at me and we talk, but nothing meaningful or even for a long time. He tries to push me off. Acting a little cold, but by being happy I think I’m putting a little doubt in his mind. I put him in the place where he is today and I think he is slowly realizing that he might not be able to get me back. All exes come back no matter if it’s weeks, months, and even years. I’ve experienced them all and for me. He ended things and I don’t want to send a message and come off too desperate or I was waiting for him. If he wants to start things again I’d talk to him about it first and go from there.
@ it was terrible. But I found an amazing guy now thanks to that experience! We just moved in together and already talking marriage. We told each other we are stuck with one another so no turning back now 😂
This feels like navigating a minefield. They don't reach out if they want you back, and if you reach out, because you think they want you back, there's a very real chance they'll just go back to the separation elation phase? So, basically, there's no winning here. I miss her closeness so much, but maybe learning to move on will actually be less painful than playing this stupid game. Reached out on New Years Eve, she was still full of resentment. Guess the clock reset then, huh. Geez, this is dumb.
Oh, and even if they come back, if they didn't work on themself, the new relationship 2.0 is doomed to fail just the same. Yeah no, I thibk maybe I'll take the good memories and run as far away from her as I can.
Good explanation but don’t know how to understand which kind of avoidant is the partner!? Music in the end is very nice! And the line “You know how to read silence!” Very interesting information! Thank You 🙏🏽
Do you have a video on how to know they are in their "susceptible to come back" mode, if they are not reaching out? In other words, if you're doing no contact, this seems to be the only safe period to break it but it seems very important that you time it right.
I had the same question and I went to research. From multiple other channels, it seems the period is about 3 months or slightly less, but likely longer than 2 months. And to start off on casual conversations and dates before finally doing the most important thing if both parties want to restart the relationship, which is to agree on how to have a healthy relationship and set clear boundaries and meeting of needs so that the relationship doesn't become unhealthy and break down again, and most importantly to get the dismissive avoidant partner to agree to work on repairing their core wounds and reprogramming their subconscious either through online resources or therapist. Only the dismissive avoidant can work on healing and changing themselves, and if they don't, there is no point trying to continue the relationship as it will always fail.
@@bobbyclair386 Any light topic. It's literally the same as starting all over again as though it's a new relationship. Only this time, you have learnt and grown strong enough to stay true to your basic dignity and baseline requirements, and to let go and move on if they don't reciprocate, and not chase, beg or obsess over this person or any person. Act honorably, and then how they respond is on them. Be ready to accept that they are not capable of healthy relationships in general, and that you are better off without them.
Hey, Chris, have you managed to identify how DAs age. Ive read a bit about how narcisists age, but what about avoidanta. Do they outgrow avoidance ever?
Im 4 weeks into no contact with a DA. This time i will not contact her and I'll try stay strong enough not to want to get back if she tries in the future.
I’m currently 7 months pregnant by a DA he left me 2 months ago and he has someone else already I’m going into no contact idk how you do that and a child on the way but will try
I have been with a da for 3 years with his walking off no communication looking for my flaws as any excuse. He dosent ever get close in intimacy, when you try to communicate he then up and goes.. when I try to get my own life back ,he gets back in contact! And the cycle continues. I go no contact this time im not taking him back to be walked upon as it leaves you with total Anxiety and life is too short..end of story is they need do the work on themselves😢
My ex has asked me to go to her cousins leaving party this weekend as her family don’t know. She also asked if she could wear her engagement ring and last week sent me a video of our song. I’ve got zero idea what to make of it
I was married to a DA for 11 years, been separated for two months, and obviously he’s still in that first stage because we are still in touch. We have to stay in touch because we have two kids together. How can I get him to miss us if we have kids and can’t apply no contact rule?
Being secure essentially is loving yourself more and more apropriately, becoming more aware of your own needs and boundaries, learning how to talk about them.
Chris. Plz answer me 😭😭 I believe my ex bf is a dismissive avoidant type. He broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and I have been in NC with him for 9 days so far. I still live in the home with him…..but I don’t see him at all. Lately I’ve noticed him trying to leave me little things like snacks and drinks, yet he won’t look at me or even speak to me at all. Is this hot and cold? Breadcrumbing? Is it his really weird and dysfunctional way to try and reach out? I want him to want me back, but I just have no idea what to think of his behavior. I’ve been watching all of your videos but it still feels so unclear to me.
I'm an anxious and i would react like you. Do the work on yourself and be patient. It's a good sign what he is doing. But he needs to do the work to if you two want to keep at it
Can they lie about being a new relationship when they are not, as part of avoidant behavior? Saw this happen.. why do that? My impression was... here it is.. just more lies .. confused
They are just in that wheel circle he talks about it , with the rebound. I’ve been with mine two years & I’ve gone thru it all believe me if you guys had a REAL CONNECTION n they themselves have told you they feel it too than those rebounds are pretty much a nobody to them.
My avoidant ex Constantly reaches out everyday but how should the talk about " trying again" happen ? I hoped he would bring it up so i could ask if hes done some work on himself and if hes actually willing to try things differently this time.....m
Me and my ex have been broken up for 6 months. We tried to reconcile a couple months after the breakup but she still had not changed and it fizzled out. Anyways it’s been 2 months since we have spoken and the other day I had a girl over that I’m getting to know. Right when we were about to leave someone was knocking on my window. It was my ex, she was there because she wanted to tell me she has a new boyfriend and wanted to show me a picture.. I was like okay, I don’t care. She pulled her phone out anyways and showed me the pic of her and her new boyfriend then said all her friends say he looks like me. She tried flirting a bit before I switched the conversation to the steps we need to take for divorce (got married on paper for moving country reasons). Was the weirdest thing and don’t know what to make of it. She even asked me to come out side and I refused. Why would she do this? I think she is a narcissist, my only explanation
@@justinhensley3315 damn bro, it’s crazy how similar our stories are. I can never imagine ambushing an ex to tell them I’m seeing someone and especially not to say they look like them. If she was a normal person I would think she wanted me back, but her whole behavior towards the end of the relationship and after made me realize she has some deep mental issues. Sounds like you did the right thing, I like to think I did too. The girl that was at my apartment heard the whole thing and said she has never heard anyone sound so crazy. Glad I had someone there to witness it. Hope your doing well now!
According to Attached, DA, FA, and AP can all become more secure and attachment styles are plastic. Yes, any insecure attachment can become more secure through work. Unfortunately, this hinges on them putting in the work to heal and they usually don’t
@@MM-df2fn im in the same boat. Its only been 2 weeks so still fresh. Its mad to think we broke up overnight all because i questioned the distancing behaviours
Yes they don’t. 8 months since the breakup, no contact and heard nothing. But I don’t even care, hope whoever reads this let them go and focus on getting themselves back. DA’s are narcissists.
Stay strong! You are worthy and deserving of true love and mutual respect. I have been treated like a dog by someone I only ever supported and loved. I know how you feel waking up. I hope I can heal like you in just a few months time. I use to get morning texts from her saying Good morning sleepy head. I thought of that the other morning. As my text box sits empty every morning now.
Here’s what I have learned. Dismissive avoidants don’t often reach out first and will instead miss you in silence, but you should still not break no contact. Hear me out, if they won’t reach out to you due to their attachment style then they clearly haven’t worked on healing their insecure attachment. You don’t want them back if they won’t even try to do the work or else you will just be caught in a cycle of breaking up, or neglect. You don’t just want them back, you want a HEALTHY relationship with them. So no contact and if they reach out then maybe they are working on themselves and getting closer to secure. If they never reach out, they probably didn’t do the work and you deserve better. They broke it and it isn’t your responsibility to fix what they broke. Stay in no contact and stay strong
How long should you give No Contact......or is that a bit like saying, how longs a piece of string?....
I would say if you really feel like it is true love. Which if you are here I would guess you are like me working at making your anxious insecurity more secure leaning. I would say if you really love them, Don’t have a time limit Set of how long you should Do no contact. Meaning do not even keep count of how long you Do it. Don’t even make a date for yourself to move on. I think Chris has a video With a part about moving on without Moving on. It’s kind of like that. If you really love them. And they really truly love you deep down. Hard resist no contact and don’t even think about contacting them. If they love you they should have some sort of realization that their loneliness and there failed attempts at flirting with other people to suppress feelings of forgetting you and moving on, only make themselves think about you and miss you more. If they really love you they will have to be honest with themselves. Even if they are future faking other people. Or talking to people online, or even dating. They will eventually feel the loneliness and question why you were different than what she expected from everyone else. I would be very cautious about taking them back if they even come back. And really deal with any insecure attachments and also understand what an avoidant really needs. That is going to make it much simpler and easier, if you aren’t going to give up on them like they expect. I say this as advice to myself. I really don’t think my ex is going to come back to me. But if she truly loves me. Loneliness and not finding the one is what is going to bring her back and hopefully inspire her to heal by noticing your shift in perspective of the relationship. Sadly I see why everyone says to give up on them it’s not worth the heart ache. But I really love this person. If that is true. Why would I give up on her. I leave her in no contact hoping the space makes her see one day That she feels something too that is repressed love now. I hope this works for Me. I hold space and love and forgiveness for all the hurt I have felt. But there is a difference between holding space and desperately counting a deadline and waiting for her to wake up from her own nightmare. I love her. There is space for her if she wants to come back and actually work on healing herself. But I’m certain the key to holding the space for her is forgiving, letting go, and keeping love for her like when you first fell in love with her. Not holding on to bitterness for her behaviors. But also not waiting or expecting her to come back To you and return her love again. Only God can wake up the fire that sleeps inside that needs to become active. Like a sleeping volcano no longer dormant, but now awake. I hope for loneliness to be the catalyst that awakens her to heal. Why no contact hard. Like almost I imagine it like letting her come begging for you back that she will do whatever it takes to have you back. But I just hope she awakes and hold love for her and keep space for her if she returns. But the sad part is letting go of counting, or expecting, or anticipating if she will or not. Let her go. I heard once Something like, that if it is meant for you, God won’t block it from you. Praise God bro no matter what God’s plan is for these situations we ponder in our hearts and minds daily. God Bless you and yours 🙏💙💪
There's no way that I would want to go around and around with an avoidant, just to deal with being pushed away. People like that need to fix their issues or end up alone.
This.
I'm a dismissive avoidant and I think I agree. 🤔 I'm committed to being single, but sometimes I am love bombed by a narcissist and weaken my resolve.
Agreed. It’s selfish to expect your partner to always be the vulnerable one, which is especially thankless as the partner of a DA as you face rejection and being pushed away on a consistent basis. Very few people with better options will choose to subject themselves to this. I finally decided to let my DA go until he’s willing to put in the work, one way or another, and if that never happens then so be it
So true and if you stay long enough with them you’ll turn avoidant and. It Loki g yourself. It’s sad
This. I want to talk to my ex again. Not for the sake of getting back but just to make them aware of this so that they at least one day have a chance at a healthy relationship if they go to therapy and fix their issues. But knowing her she probably would take it the wrong way and shut down even more smh. So likely she’ll be doomed to go from failed relationship to failed relationship. Oh well not my problem now I guess
Ok here’s a tip, yes they do come back if they really like you, BUT they coming back doesn’t mean they are coming back to stay. They will leave again if they haven’t worked on themselves, AND it doesn’t matter how many videos you watch and learn about avoidants there’s nothing can do for them, just work on YOU and your own attachment style.
Mine came back in less than a month, but as you wrote is not to stay 😢
I'm definately more secure now.. just lonely. But nothing I can do other than ask for a divorce or be lonely.
we know they like to be treated badly , so do that . ignore some texts , do say where you been , ect
@wizardofaus2985 I’m in the same place. I wonder since mine is a Dismissive avoidant, I wonder if she will avoid Initiating divorcing me since that will make her vulnerable to facing conflict that could induce feelings of intimacy memories, or even shame and guilt. So my question is. Do they avoid doing the divorce? Or is divorce only conveniently done by them if they get reward like incentive for money, or property, or incentive for them to be free to marry someone else. Just curious as mine said she did not want to be together with Me. But she never said she wants to divorce me. So confused and hurt. But hey. Aren’t we all here feeling this type of way
I’ve been going in circles for three years with a da and although it consists of the best times I’ve ever had with a person I am totally over it. The ignoring, the lack of communication about any feelings in or out of the relationship, and basically letting them steer the entire schedule of when we are together. After they take off from being triggered from some talk of commitment or me voicing any grievances, I have to spend weeks detaching. The moment I myself am free they show up at my door again and my anxious ways always fold and let it start over. I wish he’d move to another town or better yet country! It’s just not worth any of it!
I totally agree, went through the same thing and eventually she broke up with me.
Yes exactly
Did he always make the move to come back or we're you reaching out too?
It's exhausting
@@xLithiumxmine has came back 3 times & ran scared again every time so far. I sent him bday present 1st come back and when he reached out immediately after 5 weeks no contact I tried to be friends only now (that heartbreak was NO JOKE), he wasn’t having it. He wanted to see me now, we are so in love but I’m not qualified to help him with his issues. It’s been a year now, he’s the love of my life but the hurt feelings, confusion and inability to communicate effectively over shadow the love. He keeps me a secret, doesn’t introduce me when we run into people. He’s all meshed with my life & people, but I only know him and this erratic behavior. The deeper he falls in love with me, the further he runs & avoids. I never reach out to him period except for his bday in Jan to send joke gift. I honestly don’t think he does it on purpose, but I have caught him playing games concerning his X. She’s allowed in his life, I am not. It hurts me more than I can bare or deserve. I’m sorry he deals with this but feel he should have been honest about being a DA from beginning. I’ll love him forever, I won’t tolerate this push/pull any longer. I gave it my all. A love like ours don’t come around often if at all. We both lost ❤
No avoidants for me now. They're breadcrumnb love is worthless
So you have to be able to mind read, because they are not going to come back on their own, and if you reach out too soon they won't be in the "longing phase". You just have to know when is right, somehow. And even if you reached out at the right time, they will probably run again because you crunched your salad too loudly and they entered into fault finding again. It really is impossible.
To be fair, it's impossible to eat salad without making a lot of sound. But yeah, pretty much how it works, from my experience.
This describes it perfectly. They use any slight thing that isn’t fitting their narrative as an excuse as to why it’s not worth even voicing their needs cause it’s all your fault anyway. Self esteem issues to the max… and I know why. Their childhood abuse was horrific and they perpetuate that cycle of an inability to voice their needs and blaming others for not doing the work required to heal themselves because “what’s the point” anyway
HAHAHA “CRUNCHED YOUR SALAD TOO LOUD”. God forbid we sneeze too loudly or do anything to hurt an avoidants feelings otherwise they’ll run away into a hole again. I say GOOD RIDDANCE to these people. We need to be with people who will stick by us and not people who will run away at the first sight of conflict
Dude, i was watching both our kids at my place all day while she was at home. I invited her over to spend night set up for her. She comes over unexpected with her two huge dogs drunk, dog pisses on my carpet at the top of my stairs full load, i say did the dogs need to come? I wasnt happy but wasnt overly mad, but me expressing something for once im the bad guy and now here watching videos about these fools. Our families are like almost integrated we both have young girls, she spends nights often, we kissed in front of children we sleep together. But one slight or criticism and they bounce. Our relationship has been only 4 months too, lol. We blended so fast but shes available once a week to drink and bang, then shes a ghost for Could only open up being drunk, cried to me telling me over and over again to please never leave her.. heres the kicker we never been on a date, she asked once, i asked twice, she always cancels. But date or dating is too serious? Why blend our families why do this in front of our kids, confusing people, feel more hurt in this brief situationship then when my marriage collapsed for some reason. These people will literally drive you mad.
@@michaella5799 That sounds like a nightmare, but it doesn't sound like a Dismissive Avoidant. They don't do pleading to not leave or any overly emotional stuff. Could be fearful avoidant or perhaps just emotionally unhealthy or narcissistic?
Now I know what's wrong with him! I've never dealt with anyone like this before. It's awful! I literally just told him I've moved on. Life is what happens when you're busy making plans, and he is so focused on himself that he never saw me. Thank you for this. I wish I had found this out a year ago. I'm not reaching out to him. He can stay gone. It's better for me this way.
So we should put all the work? And they can't fix or change it that's pathetic even being anxious I tried my best to fix my shit.
''Dismissive Avoidant'' more succinctly = CRAZY! Why would one want/take them back!
I wouldn't say crazy. The ones I e seen have had trauma and abuse in their history......that's not their doing
Mine was love of my life! Imagine my surprise at 62, he’s 72 when my dream come true turned into a DA? I know it feels like you are being played, that’s not it. In my opinion most unhealed DA’s are allergic to love, they didn’t have it in their formative years. It repulses them now. Very sad.
Sad. For 18 years I’ve gone through this cycle with a DA. I am an FA so I give him all the space he needs until he is ready to talk again and he contacts me. They have multiple relationships and unless you cut this cycle, they will continue to create it. My advice is to become secure yourself and move on to a healthier relationship.
What kind of time do you give him?
Thank you
Dated my DA gf for nearly 8 months before she, out of the blue, ditched me. Had a really bad heartbreak. Learned about NC but failed miserably over and over again, full blown anxiety. Did all the errors. Out of the blue she sent me a text that she was thinking about me… took four months with failed nc. I have read that they can send text, communicate like nothing has happened.
I’ve read that the more u use NC, the less effective it is.
@@JustMeAndMyBoywhat do you mean?
My DA always comes back 😅think the most he lasted was 2 months & now the time grow shorter n shorter for him to come back , he can’t stay away long enough from me , but it took two years to gain all this trust I have with him , not easy but some are worth it all ❤
Girl tell me yr secret
@@Dragooneater a lot of love, not giving up, and understanding.
How did you do that,?
Thank you for your testimony
My ex knows how he can fix things. Genuinely apologize for treating me like crap and lying.
Thank you for sharing your personal perspective from your own experience. It matches some of the visible characteristics I've seen from what I am convinced is a dismissive avoidant, and we are always wondering "what are they ACTUALLY thinking," so this insight is so helpful.
100%
I brokeup with my bf, who is an avoidant, and I’m anxious.. we are in our second breakup, first time he broke up with me and came back after 3 months. Now after 2 weeks of NC he texted me but still doesn’t want to get back together, he wants to move on but he is acting with me like nothing happen and text me like a friend 🤷♀️ I have the feeling that he will come back third time 😅
This makes me think forced psychological interrogations and therapy are needed for society. Nobody should be another person's personal punching bag and psychologist.
My DA ex girlfriend after 7 months of dating broke up with me with no reason whatsoever. Her reason was ridicolous and it was just a excuse to leave. I tried to convince her not to do it but i never begged or anything. After 5 weeks of no contact she reached out to me without anything significant. I talk with her like with a buddy. Just few sentences a day. Its just a small talk. She never mentioned anything about us and what happenned. She reached out to me four days in a row with good morning text. And my question is: what does she want from me???? I am so confused...
That’s me right now
Similar to me, got on unbelievably well for 2/3 months, we both had quite unique quirks, neither of us pushy, and then its "you talk too much" ...."I think I've been put off dating", had no contact and then she came running back two weeks later out of the blue, then we were back to getting on well everyday for another 2/3 months and then the day we're suppose to meet up again its "I can't be bothered with this" and now not spoken for 6 weeks 😂 it's sad to be honest, is what it is
I broke up with a DA and it took them 7 months to contact me after finding out I had moved on, of course with a rebound. I sincerely loved her despite her ways. We've started communication by txts and everything seems to be controlled by her. I have left it that way and play a long game.
However, following the break up as part of my begging, I bought a very pricey, nice necklace as a sorry! I am wondering if she kept the necklace or she threw it in the bin.
Bro she kept the necklace if she is a DA and really liked you the same way you loved her. I just always think about the phantom ex theory and how we could never be good enough, they always knew there is the one out there that is better. In reality they find out in the long game, not one perfect one out there. God speed and respect for the space you hold for your love. I have always told my self in life and in love - ‘Never Give up’
I saw the signs of this person I dated for two months as someone so scared of getting close but then also love bombing me. Telling me she was falling for me. We went away for a weekend and then she got all distant after a great getaway. She kept saying she was confused and that I had so many expectations. I was falling too and I told her and I said but these arguments aren’t coming out of no where. It feels like you keep me at arms length and after me saying that shit she broke up. Two weeks later I see her on a dating app. Lol. Oh well. I’m doing no contact but I won’t lie. I’m a little hurt still but I’m going to look out for me.
DAs can be great people, but they rarely make good partners. Sorry, but they don't have skills for relationship. They depend completely on others for the relationship to work (they don't have a "glue"). They also have an unrealistic view of relationships -- expect someone perfect for them, and they themselves don't do the least: showing up (being present) in a relationship. Although there is an explanation, they treat their partners unjustifiably. There is no justification for ghosting, stonewalling, breadcrumbs, monkey brenching etc. Like all of us, they need psychotherapy, it's not just a matter of attachment style.
Sounds like an FA rather than a DA
My ex is like this. We work together so it’s a lot of longing from afar. He will smile at me and we talk, but nothing meaningful or even for a long time. He tries to push me off. Acting a little cold, but by being happy I think I’m putting a little doubt in his mind. I put him in the place where he is today and I think he is slowly realizing that he might not be able to get me back. All exes come back no matter if it’s weeks, months, and even years. I’ve experienced them all and for me. He ended things and I don’t want to send a message and come off too desperate or I was waiting for him. If he wants to start things again I’d talk to him about it first and go from there.
How do you do it working with them? That must be difficult
@ it was terrible. But I found an amazing guy now thanks to that experience! We just moved in together and already talking marriage. We told each other we are stuck with one another so no turning back now 😂
This feels like navigating a minefield. They don't reach out if they want you back, and if you reach out, because you think they want you back, there's a very real chance they'll just go back to the separation elation phase? So, basically, there's no winning here. I miss her closeness so much, but maybe learning to move on will actually be less painful than playing this stupid game.
Reached out on New Years Eve, she was still full of resentment. Guess the clock reset then, huh. Geez, this is dumb.
Oh, and even if they come back, if they didn't work on themself, the new relationship 2.0 is doomed to fail just the same. Yeah no, I thibk maybe I'll take the good memories and run as far away from her as I can.
@@isabellezoeyupdate?
So, I started listening to this because I want to heal from a very old relationship. But, this behavior sounds more like me.
:o ouch
They'll never reach out? Well i guess that's that then. I'm not going to reach out either.
they do but its often sutble in the form of a business matter , bills ect
Good explanation but don’t know how to understand which kind of avoidant is the partner!?
Music in the end is very nice! And the line “You know how to read silence!” Very interesting information! Thank You 🙏🏽
I wasn't going to hurt him ever! But oh my God i did traumatic 😢
Do you have a video on how to know they are in their "susceptible to come back" mode, if they are not reaching out? In other words, if you're doing no contact, this seems to be the only safe period to break it but it seems very important that you time it right.
I had the same question and I went to research. From multiple other channels, it seems the period is about 3 months or slightly less, but likely longer than 2 months. And to start off on casual conversations and dates before finally doing the most important thing if both parties want to restart the relationship, which is to agree on how to have a healthy relationship and set clear boundaries and meeting of needs so that the relationship doesn't become unhealthy and break down again, and most importantly to get the dismissive avoidant partner to agree to work on repairing their core wounds and reprogramming their subconscious either through online resources or therapist. Only the dismissive avoidant can work on healing and changing themselves, and if they don't, there is no point trying to continue the relationship as it will always fail.
@@bluexpressov2 Ho exactly did you start off with the conversation after that gap of 2-3 months?
@@bobbyclair386 Any light topic. It's literally the same as starting all over again as though it's a new relationship. Only this time, you have learnt and grown strong enough to stay true to your basic dignity and baseline requirements, and to let go and move on if they don't reciprocate, and not chase, beg or obsess over this person or any person. Act honorably, and then how they respond is on them. Be ready to accept that they are not capable of healthy relationships in general, and that you are better off without them.
@@bluexpressov2 Very sound advice. Noted. Thank you!
Well that's depressing
I dated an avoidant who left almost every week. .. After saying emotional things mostly
Really, really good, Chris.
Hey, Chris, have you managed to identify how DAs age. Ive read a bit about how narcisists age, but what about avoidanta. Do they outgrow avoidance ever?
What if you ended things on really
Bad terms?
Im 4 weeks into no contact with a DA. This time i will not contact her and I'll try stay strong enough not to want to get back if she tries in the future.
I’m currently 7 months pregnant by a DA he left me 2 months ago and he has someone else already I’m going into no contact idk how you do that and a child on the way but will try
Sending you 💕 love and courage.Take care
I have been with a da for 3 years with his walking off no communication looking for my flaws as any excuse. He dosent ever get close in intimacy, when you try to communicate he then up and goes.. when I try to get my own life back ,he gets back in contact! And the cycle continues. I go no contact this time im not taking him back to be walked upon as it leaves you with total Anxiety and life is too short..end of story is they need do the work on themselves😢
My ex has asked me to go to her cousins leaving party this weekend as her family don’t know. She also asked if she could wear her engagement ring and last week sent me a video of our song. I’ve got zero idea what to make of it
What was the outcome?
Is it possible to get back with my ex even though we were together for 3 months?
did it work? did he come back?
Hello
As far as I care if you have to fight tooth and nail to even hear from them, that is opposite of "Attachment"
A great video. Thanks, sir!
I was married to a DA for 11 years, been separated for two months, and obviously he’s still in that first stage because we are still in touch. We have to stay in touch because we have two kids together. How can I get him to miss us if we have kids and can’t apply no contact rule?
Very good question
Low contact instead of no contact - talk about the kids as necessary and nothing else
Guess i am not avoidant then, good to take into account.
How did become secure and how did you change or stop being a dismissive? Avoidant .??? Please reply
Being secure essentially is loving yourself more and more apropriately, becoming more aware of your own needs and boundaries, learning how to talk about them.
Chris. Plz answer me 😭😭 I believe my ex bf is a dismissive avoidant type. He broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and I have been in NC with him for 9 days so far. I still live in the home with him…..but I don’t see him at all. Lately I’ve noticed him trying to leave me little things like snacks and drinks, yet he won’t look at me or even speak to me at all. Is this hot and cold? Breadcrumbing? Is it his really weird and dysfunctional way to try and reach out? I want him to want me back, but I just have no idea what to think of his behavior. I’ve been watching all of your videos but it still feels so unclear to me.
Take it slowly and be patient, it's a good sign that he's showing
Your comment tells me you have an anxious attachment style, so please work on that
I'm an anxious and i would react like you. Do the work on yourself and be patient. It's a good sign what he is doing. But he needs to do the work to if you two want to keep at it
Mine comes back every two months just to dump me again
Can they lie about being a new relationship when they are not, as part of avoidant behavior? Saw this happen.. why do that? My impression was... here it is.. just more lies
.. confused
They always lie! And lie
Yup very secretive and lies about nothing.
what if stage 7 is filled by a rebound
So what happens about if they're in a rebound right after the break up???
Im keen to know about this too!
They are just in that wheel circle he talks about it , with the rebound. I’ve been with mine two years & I’ve gone thru it all believe me if you guys had a REAL CONNECTION n they themselves have told you they feel it too than those rebounds are pretty much a nobody to them.
@@Mizzyvee you stuck around after the rebounds?
They usually have a rebound ready or already in play.
They always have back ups. The hell will continue there.
Good riddens.
Did you end up going back to your ex from college?
Can this apply to friendships
My avoidant ex Constantly reaches out everyday but how should the talk about " trying again" happen ? I hoped he would bring it up so i could ask if hes done some work on himself and if hes actually willing to try things differently this time.....m
How about a secure person with them? They just don't have any insecure behavior episodes.
Will he come back after 3 times of 3 different breakups
Me and my ex have been broken up for 6 months. We tried to reconcile a couple months after the breakup but she still had not changed and it fizzled out. Anyways it’s been 2 months since we have spoken and the other day I had a girl over that I’m getting to know. Right when we were about to leave someone was knocking on my window. It was my ex, she was there because she wanted to tell me she has a new boyfriend and wanted to show me a picture.. I was like okay, I don’t care. She pulled her phone out anyways and showed me the pic of her and her new boyfriend then said all her friends say he looks like me. She tried flirting a bit before I switched the conversation to the steps we need to take for divorce (got married on paper for moving country reasons). Was the weirdest thing and don’t know what to make of it. She even asked me to come out side and I refused. Why would she do this? I think she is a narcissist, my only explanation
@@justinhensley3315 damn bro, it’s crazy how similar our stories are. I can never imagine ambushing an ex to tell them I’m seeing someone and especially not to say they look like them. If she was a normal person I would think she wanted me back, but her whole behavior towards the end of the relationship and after made me realize she has some deep mental issues. Sounds like you did the right thing, I like to think I did too. The girl that was at my apartment heard the whole thing and said she has never heard anyone sound so crazy. Glad I had someone there to witness it. Hope your doing well now!
That sounds more like a narcissist not avoidant
That’s prob a narc. An avoidant wouldn’t go out of there way to do that
That's a narcissist sir for sure my mom is a narcissist and she would do things like that to my step father a avoidant would never do that
How long is it usually between stages 6 and 7?
Your own example is nothing to do with avoiding, fighting all the time is not a purpose of a relationship. No wonder you felt relieved! Anybody would!
Is there any hope of having a stable relationship with a DA? 😔 will he ever change? 🥺
According to Attached, DA, FA, and AP can all become more secure and attachment styles are plastic. Yes, any insecure attachment can become more secure through work. Unfortunately, this hinges on them putting in the work to heal and they usually don’t
I guess the answer is they don't 💔
Yup. I have very little hope she’ll ever reach out. Doing my best to convince myself it’s for the best since she’s a DA
@@MM-df2fn did she reach out at all?
@@dannywholuv nope
@@MM-df2fn im in the same boat. Its only been 2 weeks so still fresh. Its mad to think we broke up overnight all because i questioned the distancing behaviours
Yes they don’t. 8 months since the breakup, no contact and heard nothing. But I don’t even care, hope whoever reads this let them go and focus on getting themselves back. DA’s are narcissists.
Today was the first day in 2 months I didn’t think about him when I woke up I smiled and said damn Dani u healing 🥹
Stay strong! You are worthy and deserving of true love and mutual respect. I have been treated like a dog by someone I only ever supported and loved. I know how you feel waking up. I hope I can heal like you in just a few months time. I use to get morning texts from her saying Good morning sleepy head. I thought of that the other morning. As my text box sits empty every morning now.