8 Wrong Assumptions The Narcissist Makes About You
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 ส.ค. 2019
- When in the presence of a narcissist, have you ever thought: "This person truly does not understand me"? Of course you have. Narcissists construct a false narrative about themselves, so they also have to construct false beliefs about you. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter exposes 8 common wrong assumptions narcissists make about you. Knowing these, you can avoid the unnecessary duress they wish to inflict upon you.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the last 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
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Let us not forget they never ever accept responsibility for themselves.
I see i have some narc tendencies from learned behavior. And i really hate myself alot of the time.
ACCOUNTABLE manners is NOT IMPORTANT to them. 👎
my sister all over
What gets me is when narcissist use demons or possession for an excuse...I'm Christian and it is difficult not to get caught up in that dichotomy of evil vs good and heaven vs hell and demon vs angel....dealing with narcissism is exhausting.
Piece
@@juliepeterson4905 You have enough insight to admit that though, a good first step for sure :) love yourself yo! xo
The best way to get even with a narcissist is to leave them and then succeed with your life because they think you can't make it without them!!! Amen!
The 8 assumptions narcicists have about you:
1) You need to be told what to do
2) Your worth is contingent upon your conformity
3) You exist to satisfy the narcicists bidding
4) You'll never rise higher than second place
5) If they are wrong, it's your fault
6) When they're angry, it's up to you to change
7) What you feel is irrelevant
8) When others think highly of you, you're not deserving
No joke
One correction: narcs don’t say “sorry.” Unless it’s “sorry you feel that way”
So true. So very true
Oh, sometimes they do. But it's not really an apology. It's more like a demonstration of "see how humble I am." It doesn't mean anything.
I'm sorry, but you made me treat you like that ...
John Steinbeck “It’s going to rain today.” You’ll NEVER get any true remorse.
Marta Bergen correct. It is a sorry with ulterior motives. They are proving a point that they can be humble. But it is always serving a purpose for a future event that they are plotting.
1 misconception the narcissist makes about the newly informed you: you are oblivious to their agendas. Knowledge is golden.
Best one!
ruebensfilms You know all the many “tools” and manipulative methods they have stored in their toolbox to use against you, because they have been used so regularly. I can spot the omitted and fictional parts of a simple story, especially when she uses another innocent person’s never-made comment to get a jab in. Also, we become wise to baiting.
ruebensfilms Knowledge is power, as long as you put it to use. I used to tell myself that when I was married to a sociopath. He thought I was stupid; I wasn’t.
maplesden Exactly.
My ex had no idea I was finally on to him. It still hurt tho because I was enmeshed with him. Now I look back and wonder why I didn’t kick him out years before. What the hell was I holding on for? There was nothing there but misery. I wasted a lot of precious time on this undeserving man. I should have never married him, but once life became intolerable, I should have left him immediately. There’s no happy ending with these people.
Yes, facts 🔥🔥!!🥳
Can you believe we gave these people the time of day? 🤮
Zarah Khan No. I can’t. But they pretended to be loving, caring people, so they got us hooked. And then they changed, blaming us for the change.
@Zarah Khan: Hard to avoid if they run the company where you work . . .
Zarah Khan nope
QED they’re everywhere
One thing they do is try to be the best but are the laziest . i follow one and i hate everyday i come in wondering what to expect . but to them their # 1
They assume your morals are as low as theirs .. that’s what I’ve noticed. They act as if you think like they do and so treat you accordingly.
Their assumptions are what make them gullible. Let them underestimate you for a while....then WHAM! Be everything they don’t expect. Lol.
I love this idea and I have been successfully executing just that recently. Especially, since I just exposed a covert narcissist. Most of the time, they dig their own grave and I just don’t interrupt them. All I have to do is sit and observe, not react to their sick games and just keep my boundaries and let them make a fool out of themselves. It’s been so satisfying since my narc is now too old and closed minded to realize that I’ve figured them out.
Queenology 😊
La B I did just that to my ex & she lost her absolute NARCISSIST MIND!!!
Yes assumptions are so arrogant & they don’t realize they are so not BP GOD & they don’t know our thoughts 💭 on everything
#9 - You are NOT a "Team". As their "partner" they see you as competition, not their life partner or close friend.
You're not their spouse. You're the personal assistant.
That was the worst part for me....the competition. All you want is someone in the same boat as you rowing in the same direction. I was never anyone's personal assistant.
my wife says her and her baby brother are a team.... I wish she had married him before I married her... They are both just alike.. Maybe one day she will leave me for him..
Oh so true!
That for me is the saddest part. I always wanted someone to share my life with, but I was always consider "the enemy" - "the competition" . So sad.
The 32 people that disliked this video are narcissists 😂
Today it’s up to 60 narcs who disliked.
H2OCO2 love it!!!
Totally agree. I've said this on this great doctor's other videos.
Spot on
That is so right 🤣🤣
Or: you never do anything for me. You love the children more than me. You love the dog more than me.
Truth be told - yes, I came to love the kids snd dog and even the guinea pigs more than him ...🤣
You described what he said to me you spend more time with your dog or your doing your flowers. .you love this things more than me
LOL love it.. same here
Teacher Susan lol true
@Patricia Jones Great news. Stay strong and make sure that bridge stays burnt.
...and even those pesty misquitos!
After divorcing a Narc of 20 years, I found myself dating a guy for three months and looking back on it there were red flags all over the place. Glad I ran away screaming. I just stopped responding to him. I realized I needed to heal and get help.
The one thing that always didn't set well with me was when I first met him he always acted like he new me oh so well! Always making nasty underhanded remarks like, yea I know what type of guys you like, (meaning abusive military guys because I worked for the military! Mind you my X husband never served the military and he was abusive)
Bottom line when you met new men and they are feeling you out to date, and they begin with acting like the know you better than you know yourself and start assuming by telling you about yourself RUN.
Abusers may or may not be military. Mine was an electrical engineer. There seems to be plenty in IT as well. Thankfully, I'm happy with my own company and will not let anyone male or otherwise try this sh.t on me. They treat me with respect or they get pulled up on it or ignored / not in my life anymore if possible. Some are so obviously "off the planet" that everyone realises it thankfully.
The worst is having a narcissistic parent because you can’t just walk away from family like you can everyday people. It’s like having to deal with a tricky situation for life.
Yes you can and must. Join those of us who have. Just do it. Live your life.
So true.
The best thing I've ever done is to go No Contact with my narcissistic parent 2 years ago. If only it didn't take me decades to do so. But I think I was hoping that she would change. They don't.
I walked away from both of my narc parents years ago. You’re not obligated to remain in contact with toxic individuals. Your obligation is to your self care first and foremost.
At 63, I started crawling out, from NM evil demonic behavior, started at birth
I get it.
“Your worth is contingent upon your willingness to conform.” This is what makes the narcissistic parent so difficult to deal with as an adult child! You are never going to be an adult in their eyes, in the sense of being on the same level. You don’t have free will. If you’re not under their control, regardless of your age, they are not satisfied. There is no healthy way for that relationship to balance, because you are not equals!
Yes LOL! 😅 As I use to frame it with my mother, you want to share your thoughts but come back with her opinion... 👍👍 Now the lawyers talk.
I have to politely disagree, I won't conform to the narc!
Dad is my narc. I am 59 and have nil to no-contact; it is a mixed bag of relief.
@@jackilynpyzocha662 we don’t actually disagree. I was not willing to live like that. 5+ years no contact, here. The quote was from the video.
The Narcissist who interacts with you through church, a club or events that involves others fluctuates between sucking up to you, especially in front of others, to being cold and ignoring you at other times. You a friend when they need you to be! They are not interested in your needs
They are really afraid when another familymember earns more money..... that knocks them off guard
Totally agree!
Totally agree. The narcissist in my family cannot digest his children doing better than him
Bianca von Mühlendorf They will even lie about their wife’s income when they make half as much as she does. These people have more HANG UPS than hooks in a closet.
@More Than A Conqueror 😂
Truue. My ex narc in the beginning acted happy for me getting a new job theb about a month or two later in front of company started making negative comments about me making more money than him. He had been drinking but of course that's no excuse. He made it seem like my job wasn't hard and I shouldn't be getting paid the amount I was and that the whole thing was sexist that they just paid me more because I'm a woman.
Narcissist anger is a sight to behold isn't it? Blaming you for EVERYTHING!! I had a parent like this. It's taken me years to untangle all these knots. That nasty undermining is so true.
Here’s an awful example of that. When I was a little kid, my N mother swung her palm into the side of my face . A few minutes later, she came back into the room, showed me her swollen veins in her palm by her thumb and said, “Look what YOU made me do to my hand.” It’s sickening to think of. It’s no wonder I’m a people pleaser even into my 60s. I’m trying to extricate myself from a N husband and my adult daughter is one too.
My late maternal grandfather wrote the "rigging manual" for the Navy, Knots, back in the 1930s. I am loosening the knot the narc caused; and it feels really good!
You can give yourself permission to be who you want to be, but they are extremely persistent. I couldn't fight every day any more, I had to leave. They have no idea what's wrong with me that I would do that to them (leave). It's sad when you love someone but they give you no choice but to protect yourself from them.
cm bs
Recently, my daughter, who maintains a relationship with the toxic ex, told me that he’s confused as to why I left. Aside from telling her that I don’t wish to hear about him in the future, I mentioned some of the behaviors he demonstrated toward me, saying that he conveniently denies any wrongdoing. (I won’t tell her what he said about her, so she still believes he’s empathetic.)
His sons, once their mother revealed his behaviors toward her in their marriage, now believe me. He can tell them lies and I know that they have figured him out by now, so any lies about me won’t fly, anymore. (He told me lies about them AND their mother, as well. Liar, liar, pants on fire! They won’t hear that from me, either.)
If I didn’t know that these individuals somehow have the same “playbook” of life, I would wonder if you and I were talking about the same person!
Blessings!❤️
Exactly, but going forward I am going to use his comment that they don't bring out the best in me and leave it at that.
JP P
I love that! I think I’ll use it!
Got a patent on the phrase?!🤪
cm bs yep! My soon ex will not look at his issues at all. His second marriage he has destroyed & 2 kids he is raising as narcissistic queens & he could care less! Very sad
Yes, I agree a 100%. Each time I try to calmly explain to my parents what behaviours towards me I do not like they literally do not understand what my issue is. And they continoue with the abuse, and if I repeat what I said, when I tell them "I told you numerous times before that..." they are like "yes, but it was unreasonable. You could not have been serious when you told that it hurt you". I have a feeling that it's not even out of spite, they lierally DO NOT UNDERSTAND, because of what they assume about us.
"They will make wrong assumptions, and maybe it's just not my job to make them see the light." THANK YOU FOR THAT !
I was once told.."The reason you don't have what you want is because of your attitude". He wanted to rule my life but I was too independent for him. He would withhold his money trying to control me, but that didn't work.
I was told I have ego and pride.
I termed a compliment..
I have NEVER felt so understood. Thank you so so so much for what you do. These videos are such a gold mine!
So pleased! Dr. C
KLSunwear
I agree 💯 💯 💯 %
@@SurvivingNarcissism I don't understand how you know this topic so precisely! I am so glad that I came across your channel! My Brother seems to be a Narcissist... no actually after watching several of your videos I'm for sure he is.. it's having a devastating effect on my family. I don't know what to do
@@MsKrissyash pray
@@lauradelregno99 all the time!!
The best place to go, in dealing with all these narcissist assumptions, is away from the narcissist. When you stand on your own, as I tried to and did many many times, all you get is punishment from them. It is an unhealthy, non-existent relationship.
My narc spouse told me that my own friends (not his) only pretend to like me- so I called his bluff and let them know what he said. They were furious, and he was shocked that he had been outed.
Good for you!
Way to go! That rocks!
Nancy L yes they hate to be outed! I called the police & he was FURIOUS! I had moved out & after police report he filed for divorce....thank God!!!
Mine did that too and so did his affair girlfriend. It was evil.
@Paulie Doodle They truly are cowards- big blowhards, bullies. They only care about causing you pain when they feel threatened- they have absolutely no qualms about telling lies to do so.
It seems like they are under denial when you point out thier wrong doings
I just can’t understand these people, or why they would want to be the way they are. 🤷♀️ They are everyone’s worst enemy, including their own.
Robin Martin
They're mentally stunted. ..retarded to how people perceive them. ..once you know you'll never think of them the same. ..sad really. ..but feels good to be enlightened. ..just my 2 cents. : )
"They begin with the assumption that you have a built-in incompetence."
"Why yes, yes you do."
Alice Fielding lol 😆 that’s why he sent me this video and the others as they pop up in his feed. I have to ask my psychologist each time I see her if she’s sure I’m not narcissistic. She explained that I cared far too much for others for it to be possible, thank God 🙏🏽 Amazing how some N individuals can pile all of their issues and trauma onto you then assume your incompetence when you had it all together before they entered the scene.
Lissa Cabler Ware isn’t that the truth!!’
Lissa Cabler Ware My Narc husband appears to care a lot for people. He gives quite a lot to animal welfare groups too. He needs to be seen as a nice and caring person. He is very into caring for the envirnoment and all that stuff too. Please ask your therapist if she can really discern and diagnose Narcissism based on that one characteristic.
Also, narcs do care about you in as far as it could impact on them. If it cost them $1000 everytime you got a cold then they would make sure you never went out in the cold with wet hair.
Yes, the narcissist
My narc said to me yesterday "I'm sorry you are so grumpy hun and so unhappy " (duh!!) I said.." no. I'm really happy (with a big smile on my face). I'm just not happy when I'm with YOU !
They are BORES. Narcs are unsuitable when you interact with them on so many levels ... it’s tiring really. Where do these subspecies spawn from? LOL
My partner just sits there barely talks too me .
Omg I agree with u Brenda, mine only goes on about his agenda and if I disagree far out WW3 BREAKS OUT!
Tammy Lake They think the only real person (or elephant) in the room is them. To disagree with them brings on narcissistic injury and rage [i.e. WW3] ... and the situation pretty much goes downhill from there. Move on from the insanity🌷
So for my sanity I got my own place for the kids and me! His thinking is everyone should know what he knows and if they don't they are dumb people and they should die! He thinks by watching documentaries and conspiracy theorists he knows all he needs to,doesn't work,sits around smoking dope and watching t.v all day,combined 7 children all up.
They're Hellspawn...😒
My experience has been that they DEFINITELY think in terms of Hierarchy!
My soon-to-be ex husband of 35 years started exhibiting this hierarchical thinking behaviour about 7 or 8 years into our marriage, but I didn't understand the implications of his "lists " until a few years ago. I used to be top of his A list (after him, of course) and gradually slipped down the the list from A to B to C and so on until I was discarded about 10 years ago.
I had seen it happen with members of his family and friends, but was still shocked when it happened to me. He said it was because i was "too negative" i.e. wasn't compliant.
And yes, he actually did tell people which list they were on!
Imagine his surprise when I finally broke free 2 months ago at the age of 67.
Finally starting to heal thanks to having wonderful supportive family and friends standing by me and by having as little contact as possible with my ex.
It IS possible to break free at any age. I won't pretend it was easy, but am so glad I finally did it.
I did some studying narcissism and one of the things that I took away from it was just assume you're talking to a haunted house.
I was married to a narcissit/alcoholic/drug addict from the age of 17 to 30. Though I have recovered from that period of my life (and now 64 years of age) your videos have given me a greater understanding of my past life. Really enjoy listening to you! Enjoy seeing Gus too! Thanks so much
Terri Jamison I am recently separated from my narc spouse. I was with him23 years. Like you, these videos are putting words to feelings that I had all these years. I just didn’t know what I was dealing with and I thought I was defective because that’s what he lead me to believe. I could never do anything that pleased him. I am finding some healing in discovery and knowledge of these videos. Thank goodness for this wisdom.
Wanda Tolbert I was married for 30 years to same Alcaholic gambler and my son is same narcissistic really bad I’m no contact as he turns my grandkids against me , his loss , I’m strong now , getting better .
literally me right now...
I am 59. My dad is the narc. I am getting help, and from Dr. C/Gus, Dr. Ramani, and it feels great!
After 52 years, I have had three wonderful children , three back operations and everything you said is true. When woman of my era was in this situations she stays for the children which the Narcissist uses against her.
I worked full time and did the maintenance around the house.
When I grew up I was taught to be grateful for the roof over our head and food to eat.
My children are wonderful, independent adults.
To any woman in my situation, I have no regrets, but once they are grown and can not be used as a weapon, garner your finances leave and do not look back.
I lost my identity, health and self-respect when I went back.
THE Narcissist will not change if you go back.
twolittlehorses4me NEVER GO BACK.
They’re worse when you go back.
After 27/28 years, 20 married. Today is the start of my healing. I just keep telling myself “nothing can kill me, except death itself”. It’s bittersweet at this point. Thank you Doc! I greatly appreciated your help this past year.
I get this. It's painful, but worth getting over the narc!
@@jackilynpyzocha662Absolutely!!
Thank You. It's a no win situation with someone like that. Eather forget it and get out or expect to suffer.
Foxie Dog Agreed. You HAVE to get out. Staying wastes years of your life and all you get is misery.
Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
Eather?
No kidding! I say run and don't look back. Lol
@@dazzlingdeb8427 lol👍
Never get involve with an argument with a narcissiSt . Let the lawyer do it.
Yesssss!
But I am my lawyer FFS lol
I had the misfortune of dealing with narcissistic family and a lawyer who understood that manipulating
the situation would increase his fee, 10 years of fees. This lawyer really understood how to flatter these traits and milk the situation.
Mine charmed lawyers lying so well to secure for himself and swindle me smirking.
Gosh. Everything you say, sounds just like my parents and my ex and some of my children. Is it any wonder I go into the world being so insecure, afraid of what others think, and with low self esteem? Is it any wonder why I was so quiet as a child? I was afraid of people’s reaction ? Is it any wonder why I don’t have the career I wanted?
Thank you so much for shedding so much light into all of this. It’s healing.
As a very mature adult, I finally get it that I can have my own thoughts and ideas. If they don’t like it, then it’s their problem, not mine.
Im finally growing up at a very mature age.
Maria Robles You made the first big step, you’re aware of it. As long as you make a continuous effort to look in the mirror and say you are worth it. You’ll do fine just hang in there.😎
My 96 yr old mother is a man hater and a narcissist and my late father totally enabled her. Me and my 2 brothers grew up with it and just realized in the last 5 years what she is!
Maria Robles, me, too! Got out of over 44 yr marriage at age 64. Now, at 73, I am healthier, happier, and growing in understanding of myself and others. God is not done w. me yet!! LOL!
Me too! Been there like u & both of came out as survivors & wiser. 😊👍
XOXOXOXOX
I found this episode amusing! I recognised each point remembering my mother's bag of tricks. When I was 45 she betrayed me by blaming me for a very serious deed she committed herself. That second my need for the recognition/love, which she withheld from her husband and children to spite her own mom, died. I drove her 2 hours to the airport without a word or a feeling. My eyes had opened that she enjoyed hurting us because her mother was wise to her and never gave in to her demands. She punished us. I was not accepting her rejection and put down any longer!!!! Luckily for me, as now at ,70 I have had a peaceful 25 years to enjoy. Everyone who recognises a narcissist in their circle, should leave them to their own devices.
i find they say okay we will so it your way ,,,,and you will be to blame ,,,,,if you win i will just split the family ,,,,
I have never heard anyone highlight these aspects about narcissists but it is so valuable. My ex husband to a tee. If only someone had told me these things two decades ago. Or if only he had given me a good clap in the first month, I'd have recognized the abuse for what it was. Instead it's this insidious abuse that you, the victim, doesn't recognize as abuse and you don't understand why you're so miserable when, after all, you husband doesn't beat you up, isn't a drunk and doesn't have affairs (well, at least none that I waa aware of.)
This has really helped me to realize that there really was nothing I could do to have saved that relationship.
No offense, but what "relationship"? It was a dictatorship. I have almost deposed that tyrant in my mind: victory for me.
"I wouldn't have done this if you hadn't..." And if he couldn't find what I supposedly had done wrong, then he made it up.
Yep, I got that comment too and you’re right, he’d make up my misdemeanour if there wasn’t one.
Mine was in law enforcement, I had a lot of rules to follow. I'd forget to say good morning and get in trouble.
Zenita Ocelic Yep. My last sociopath actually blamed me for his lies, his deviance, his getting caught; he insulted me and then wanted me to lie for him. He actually imbued me with HIS faults!! Unbelievable.
I cut all ties with him. Boy, did that bug him. It was wonderful getting the power back.
@@dazzlingdeb8427 too bad you weren't able to see how perfect he is! :)
Zenita Ocelic I know, right? He told me I couldn’t make up my mind and my dithering bugged him. Gawd, that made me laugh. I know how to make decisions, but he couldn’t to save his life. But I know myself now, so his BS lies just rolled off my back. I didn’t respond to him after that.
When I watch these I can literally can recount conversations that went just like he’s speaking about. 😩
I have one at work who just started 6 weeks ago. I figured out he’s a narc within a few days. He made a mistake and raged about how it was everyone’s fault but his own. Total toddler.
They never ever say they’re sorry. Nothing is ever their fault no matter what.
Imagine if you will, having been raised by these people and then going into society with these values.
V Been there. It’s a rough ride.
V story of my life. I was adopted into a narcissistic family. After I moved out I ran into narcissists through friendships, relationships and in the work force
That's basically what the "illuminati" is.. all the secret society cults.. occultists and freemasons.. the wicked people who control everything. They call themselves 'illuminated' yet they hide in darkness and operate on the lowest vibrations lol what a joke. They are so deceived.
Yeah. I WISH it was just something I could only imagine.
Reign I feel ya. Same here.
Why can't other people ( my family) see that I gave 35 years off trying to please and leaving was necessary for my mental health
Not just your mental health, but your physical health, too!
Jackie Speroni Jackie, don’t waste ur time trying to convince others! You did it to save yourself. Be ok with that. It’s enuff! 🤗
Yes,I was told I had mental health probs and I thought I had,no I havnt,they have,this has taken me over 30 years and I am free now
People remember this. Is something you have to keep to yourself you can not share it with the narsist because he will taint what Dr Carter is saying. Keep to yourself 😊
Yep, don’t say anything you’re not prepared to be used against you in the future.
🌟
I've been researching for 4 years now, listened to hundreds of videos from many different sources after a failed 35 year marriage with my wife and her family. After I exploded 5 years ago on Christmas eve. With this one video you were able to describe all the feelings and resentment I had been feeling all those years but not able to put into words. Thank u, I can finally forgive myself.
So pleased, Paul. Stick with us. I hope the learning curve keeps trending upward! Dr. C
Narcissists must be some of the most disillusioned people ever. Several of my female family members.... ☹️
Its demonic. Separate the child of God from Satans minions. Pray pray pray that Jesus sets your family free.
Oh fuck yeah narcissism is rampant in the female of the species! Explains why most smart men never get married!
StephenWestSyd
That’s a typically narcissistic assumption. In fact, only 1 of 6 narcissists I have known all too well (before I saw the light) was a female. I think the gender distribution is balanced toward the male who often already views the female as subservient and inferior.
@@a.scribe474 are you saying Nikola Tesla was a narcissist? His lifes work was aimed at bettering mankind! Oh yes he was such a narc!
@@StephenWestSyd Nikola was def not one? Just an introvert
In some cases, they expect you know exactly what to do and they SHOULD NEVER have to tell you. A common excuse is if you're from the same culture, YOU should "just" know. If you try to abide but still do something in their eyes that is wrong, expect to hear about it.
"Goal posting" is pretty common wiht my mother... "I believed that you could have taken care of that, but you are blind or don't even know that life needs proactivity" , she would say to me after I already have helpd her, but we never agreed on me doing past what SHE wanted in the first place...
Yes, and the best thing then is "double standard" if you do the same they do its always wrong for you to do so but for them it is another case...
...combined with making insinuations and letting you guess what the narc means or wants. Brain fog. You will ALWAYS be wrong.
Yes my ex is the silent punishing type. Silent treatments were a regular occurrence and they were excruciating because I thrive on peace and harmony. And he wouldn't admit he was mad, he said he was giving me space to think but I could feel his anger. Very upsetting. Glad it's over.
Libra Girl I am so pleased for you. I am still with my partner. I desperately want to leave.
Exactly same as , Excruciating torture, hateful and Childish
I got the silent treatment a lot...and rages or at least being shouted at.
Yes- they send vibes of anger- otherwise the silence would feel so different
@@biancavonmuhlendorf2608 It's so frustrating when you KNOW someone is angry with you but they say they're not. What are we supposed to do? You can't fix something they won't even admit needs work!
You’re so right, there is zero reciprocity with the narc. And they’re allergic to the words, “I’m sorry.” My narc “friend” is comfortable with me as long as I’m playing second fiddle to her. She only thinks she knows me!
All your explained wrong assumptions were exactly what I have experienced with this N. since childhood. I have my own 9th wrong assumption. “She will be my property forever, and she will never disconnect!” I have claimed my right to mental freedom, and never have to give a pointless explanation again.
Suzanne Smith I have a son that I think is like this. Very worrisome.
Beautiful
My mother is one... my life has been hell because of her...
Poder do Cosmos,You deserve better
9 years with a narc. Thanks to knowledge through videos like this it has enlightened me and now I'm narc free(4 months). I saw her a couple of weeks ago and she came running up to me and was being all nice and trying to hoover me telling me I look so well then I told her that I'm happy without her and I've moved on and that I wish her the best well you should have seen her whole being change like flicking a switch ,she was spitting venomous toxicity at me. Before I used to cave in and admit that it was all my fault when I used to question her about her behavior, her flirting, her desire to be center of attention. I AM SO FREE FREE FREE AND WILL NEVER EVER REPEAT NEVER EVER BE ASSOCIATED WITH A TOXIC PERSON EVER AGAIN IN MY WHOLE LIFE. Thank you good night and much love. Cheers dock.love you man.
Awesome!
Even cooler would be to just be nice back.high road.
The look on her face must of been absolutely priceless. GOOD For YOU. Remember be your own best friend. You will find a lady that will be good to you.
@@USNBLUE many thanks and life is good now. Health and happiness no1 priority for all.
assasinho lightworker I would like to be at that point, I’m proud of you!!!! I’m so far still crying and recovering , and it my good moments watching videos like this one. My heart is broken into tiny pieces but I will get better soon , I can’t be played no more it’s over !! 7 years plus were ENOUGH!!!!I’ll be fine hopefully soon. ...
Wasted so much time on a narcissist. Trying to always figure out what l was doing wrong when he would just shut down & run away. I wasn't doing anything wrong. He just did this to hurt me
It's profoundly sad when a grown adult will literally run away from you like a little toddler.
Nothing wrong with you. He’s a narcissist and, will never own any responsibility. I hope you’re free now.
The best I can hope for is dad “acting” nice until he rages next time. Sad
I used to cry but every time I watch your videos I become stronger and happier 🤛🏼🤛🏼
When you become aware of what is going on, remember so few have ever changed, with years of work. So when you stop feeding the supply and become peaceful, expect things to fall apart.
Fall apart in what way? The Narc losing his grip knowing he lost his supply? I think I understand what you mean but I’d love clarification
@@deborahday1786 Yes they literally "implode"... Just experiencing with my old narc mother during a legal conflict about my fathers' legacy but I let the lawyer talk. There's another YTC #Permission to Exist she describes the narc implosion pretty well. 💣💣🎊🎆🎇 Pooofff!!!
Awesome. Thank you Corinna!
Most empaths take the screaming, gaslightimg and insults fightimg back with false hope the narc will see the light. That they will become kind and appreciate us finally, with the hope things will return to the love bomb stage, at the beginning when they were awesome! When you stop taking the abuse with indifference, stop responding to insults, stop trying to fix it and withdraw lyour love (the supply if you will) they will start discarding you. It hurts. You have to be strong and let go, even if they hoover or do a 180, attempting to trauma bond you even deeper.
@@Corinna_Schuett_GER- yes! Stand in amazement watching them. Like a 9 year old on a full blown selfish tantrum that can last for months.
#5 is so true "If they are wrong, it's your fault" My ex had agreed to changing when we do visitation with the kids one day, but when that day came, she forgot. When I texted her about it, it was my fault for not reminding her. Really? How about being an adult.
It was always like that. And when he forgot even after being reminded, then the kids and I were to blame because we hadn't reminded him TWICE or because we reminded him too early - instead of one hour earlier we reminded him three hours earlier.
@@zenitaocelic8536 It would never occur to me to make such a lame excuse. It's not the end of the world to say you forgot. But for them, I guess it is.
My daughter is the same way! Cant let it get to you...Ive stopped trying with my daughter...my importance is my grandbabies..
yes! or "you should have been more clear in what you have in mind" And I'm like what? I literally told you "Please don't do this (whatever it was at the moment), it hurts me when you do it" and she's like "well I'm a simple woman, I don't understand such subtle hints"
Soooo trueeeeee...oh my its crazy how it is the same for all the narcs
Dr. Les, how do you keep coming up with these awesome topics?!? These videos are so helpful. Thank You!
This is what I deal with in my counseling office. Dr. C
cabowabo78727 I second your sentiments. Extremely interesting and relatable
@@SurvivingNarcissism Dr C, do you gain the insight from victims of narcissists or actually disordered individuals?
I agree. These videos are so great. You are doing an outstanding job of teaching in a way that is easy to relate to and to understand. It makes me want to learn more and more. Sometimes I want to get into your feild and help others just like you are. What a blessing that would be!
🌟
This is all so very true. My marriage is finally coming to an end after 22 years. I would love a video on how to work through the heartbreaking grief of moving on after such a long time of this. I truly appreciate your hard work in helping folks like me.
I am in the same boat. I haven't filed the papers ,I haven't accepted it, but it's clear our marriage is over. I am an emotional wreck. Working through it.
When you have an opinion, freedom and a choice, the devaluing begins. You will never be happy with these individuals. Everything mentioned was my ex... he was impossible to keep loving.
My mum does this to me a lot of the time.
If I express an opinion in a stressful manner. Im being too angry and need to calm down.
You nailed everything. It's like you know him personally.
Dr C you have just nailed it. I had been trying to work out for years whether my wife was a narc, and you have confirmed it point by point. Thanks.
After six years' separation, however, I find that I am still caught up in /caring too much/ about my wife. It recently dawned on me why this is: It is that the narc's position of self-importance gets internalised by their co-dependent other. Subconsciously, I 'learned' to care more about her happiness than my own, and that is still with me. I need to think my way out of that sad state of mind, now!
Do they at least feel that other narcissists are “on their level” or whatever? I’d love to hear more about this! They do kinda tend to work together.
They can impress each other for sure. Like a flock of geese touting each others ego horn. Its kind of sad and funny to watch unfold, since its then still a "performance" if someone else is there. Sad and fake to watch if they think you are impressed because you are silent and listening(wrong assumption) but in reality you are watching them "go"
@@Kyle1444 well also, in like a workplace situation where a bunch of them are ganged up on one person. They are literally sending key players of their team to act like a friend to that person in order to extract info that they can use against them with the rest of the group. And they give eachother play-by-plays on the situation. Wouldn't be surprised if tjey even have text threads about it and things. It's really spooky.
Their ultimate goal is to subject that person to narcissistic abuse. They literally work together like hyenas or lions on prey. Many organizations I have seen to be literally narcopath recruitment nets. If you're narco they'll involve you in their machinations and treat you right. If you're not they will try to use you up and chuck you out.
if you have ideas of your own that disagree with theirs it must be that others are "putting ideas in your head" because otherwise you would fall obediently in line.
.,,
‘ I give me permission to think differently ‘. Wow I Love that statement .
I will live by that from today.👍🏾
Thanks Dr Carter.
Do it! Dr. C
I just heard number one and started laughing so hard I had to turn it off for a minute!! That is SO right on, you have no idea! It actually feels good to just take a step back and laugh about it, now that I can see clearly what's been going on for 20 years... Thank you Dr. C ❤️
Same here! After gaining distance with the help of what I learned through Dr. Carter’s videos I see things so clearly some insights make me laugh, cause now I see how RIDICULOUS these antics are. These videos are life changing, forever grateful 🙏
C B Holmes yes, humour is relieving in an otherwise distressing situation. I had to laugh when I opened my email and N had sent this video to me! No response required.
I can relate
You laugh so you don't cry!
My ex had the nerve to tell me that I had a vertical mindset and this was not only his perception but also from people. When I asked him who these were he said that these people were everybody, and then, I put him on his place. Because these people were his flying monkeys. My ex expected me to be a yes-boyfriend and to eat up all his bullshits. In the end, he wanted me to pursue an open relationship with him when he was already cheating on me, but I didn’t know about it. I said NO. Later when he dumped me he expected me to be his friends! I said NO. He told me that he felt sad that I didn’t trust in the things that he was telling me about the perception people had of me and that he was trying to help me?! What a joke! He had again the nerve to tell me when I told him that I had no interest in remaining his friend that things were not like that to him, and then, I asked him, why did any of his exes want to talk or see you at all?! Therefore, why would I be the first one?! Nope! I love myself. When my ex noticed that things would not be the way he thought it would or that he could not manipulate me anymore, he lost his marbles. I had to involve the police and immigration on the situation. He lied to the police by saying that he had all the receipts of the furniture I had bought and that was the time when I realized that he could also be a psychopath because he was having fun by seeing me suffering. Less than one week after being dumped I found out that my had been cheating on me and his new boy toy was posting on social media pics of them as a couple. I found myself raked with hatred and anger. Happily, now I feel happier and lighter after knowing that I am not in a relationship with a bold face liar and a deceiver anymore. He stole money from me, kept personal stuff, .... but never my kindness. My ex got frustrated that he could not break me! He’s Canadian surrounded by so many opportunities that could make him have a better life, but he is a loser; addicted to drugs, as well as other issues! He told me that he also wanted to focus on his “career” as an excuse to hide from me that he was a cheater and was harassing me.
I told him that he was a freak delusional person because since when making coffee was a career? I have a career since I am a professor beyond being gay in a country like Brazil. I make money because of all the years that I burned myself out, I travel a lot, while he has to steal and deceive his boyfriends in order to not look like the loser he is.
Narcissists are VERY VERY dangerous people. They don’t know how to deal with reality. After this experience, if I happen to notice any sign of narcissism on anybody around me, I just run away! No need to explain myself to these people at all. Life is too short and we deserve to be happy!
#5 is so SO true. If a person's preferred verbiage for apologizing for their own mistakes starts with "I'm sorry if you...", then it is a good chance that person is a narcissist. Cheers, Russ
Thanks, Russ! Dr. C
This bloke nailed it. I feel insignificant. Mum treats me that way. It's always about her needs. She treats my brother better and let's me know that my deelings don't count.
Mum feels powerful since she kicked me out of her house. I'm going and will cut off contact with her & my brother.
I wasted 40+ years of chasing after Mum to love me. I'm not going to anymore. I'm going to get my life back.
Jeannette Oliver hope your goals for freedom is coming along. Praying for you. 🙏🏽
@@CharMinsky thank you. I still have a hangover from my narcissistic Mother. She kicks me out after lying for 17 years that I was elder abusing her, but contacts me to take her shopping. I'm also trying to emotionally Detach (Attachment Theory) myself from Mum. It's hard. I love my Mother but the emotional entanglement takes ages to unravel.
I had just agreed with everything the narcissist said in my three-month relationship with him. It was easy that way - placate him, humor him. I knew I was not going to be in that relationship much longer because he complained every time I disagreed with him. So I was waiting for an out and I got it when he screamed and yelled at me for stupid stuff. I just put his key on the counter and said this is your key and left. Totally liberating!
I've listened to numerous videos on narcissism in the past 18 months since going no contact with my narcisstic mother and narcisstic golden child sister. This video hit the nail on the head.
My sister always treated me with a built in incompetence. Now, I know why.
Did 5 and 3 years ago respectively. Best choice i made in a long time :) Didnt feed them for a while, and felt their rage for it when i didnt "perform" my dancing rabbit "duty". Unfortunately only after, that i found that out ofc. They went into panic mode because i didnt buy their bs anymore. Good luck man! you'll need it. Family is "missing", but it always was, remember that if you feel lonely!
Mine too- I was assuming it was me - but it Actually wasn’t .
Thank you for this information. I have felt so isolated and inept at everything I have done for the past 25 years of marriage. After listening to your video I dont feel alone. It means so much. Thank you
Kathy Webster,You deserves better
Dignity. Respect. Civility. Coffee mugs too. Thank you.
Number 5!!
It's too crazy for words! They actually believe that we just believe it! MADNESS!!!! It's literally mad!
I just found this video series yesterday. Today, I am still in shock that I have suffered for 10 years never seeing the complete picture. I don't know how to feel about allowing myself to be manipulated for all this time. Part of me wants to cry and part of me wants to be angry. I hope I can maintain the strength to free myself and stand my ground because God knows a Narcissist knows how to make you pay!
Allow people to be wrong about you and allow me to be me.
Michele Craig,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
Thank you. I flushed out all the narcissists from my life. Or so I thought. Was building relationship with someone and found out what a narcissist with a genius IQ is like. Covert variety with genius IQ. Refused to trauma bond when set up to do in hospital. He does not have access to me. I am meeting people who are kind and who experience emotion as I do. They give of themselves as I do. I love your videos. This is good work. Thank you.
You also really explained why I have NEVER been able to bond with them.
When he said "if they appear to be wrong it's your fault" I screamed coz it happened to me for so long I started to believe it was. Thank GOD I'm out of that relationship.
I really appreciate the way Dr Carter tells it the way it is. No clinical garble. Love guss too.💜💜💜
Brenda Serwa : yes. And no drama.
Brenda Serwa nothing like a good puppy
Your value to them IS only your amount of willingness to conform to their will/delusions. They need an accomplice and can function in nothing in their own capacity on their own. Not even with sustaining their own individual thought life.
Dang, my internet just came on! Missed the live stream. Dr Carter, you have helped my heart to heal. Thank you for keeping me on the side of sanity. This old dog is still learning!
Never too late! Dr. C
Omg the anger thing... it was always my fault... his lack of control of anger was blamed on me- it was always my fault for having said or done something that made him angry and it was his ‘duty to put me in my place’... oh man am I glad to be out of that relationship but it’s not no contact and we have to co parent and I still have to field such outbursts but at least I don’t need to live with that any more!
You nailed it again Doc! I wish every adult in America would watch your videos and take heed. Thank you so much for what you do!
Pleased! Dr. C
I was a psychiatric nurse for years at a 3K bed institution. Interestingly, as one of a plethora of their defensive responses, narcissists will often call YOU narcissistic when you challenge them.
I've come to the same conclusion!
It's a variation of number 5 I think.
When you tell them no or refuse to agree with them, they react like no one has ever done that before. And for most of them no one has. People are so intimidated by them that they always go along with them. Not me!
Yesss... I remember my ex saying "you're the first woman who isn't afraid of me" or "you're the first woman who defies me. I don't like your attitude ".... I was so afraid of him but never let him notice.
I told her "No, shut up. It's my turn to talk. I'm sick of you repeating yourself!"
She was lost for words and looked like someone had hit her with a baseball bat.
Your videos have helped me to identify and break free from 39 yrs of narcissistic abuse and trauma.Its givin me HOPE that I can be free from the bondage of my co dependency issues!You are providing knowledge that I havent found anywhere else.Thank you!💗🙌
My ex wife is narcissistic. And your information has helped me tremendously. She’s very careful as to her approach now. I will not tell her what i know. It drives her crazy and i keep my answers to fact and very few words then she tries to bait me into an argument. Lol. Then I become silent and watch her grief begin. But I’m not cruel or gloating. Just blank and silent after her attempt at manipulating me. And I don’t bargain or make deals. That’s hilarious to watch. Of course i use my poker face.
I'm very pleased to read that someone like you is able to pull this off! I would love to be that way and not suffer from an emotive outburst of grief, anger, frustration or just, in some I've even tried to be civil while seething underneath! Nothing works. So for now, he's not in our lives, by his choice, but I'm sure he'll come back for another round of games to play 🙄
Priceless! My soon to be ex-narc gets confused when I give him my resting bitch face😂😂
I am doing the same thing. Not saying anything about what I am learning and getting to the point where I understand and not engage her
Dr. Carter, yes, you provide GREAT VALUE in the wisdom you share. Thank you very much for bringing sanity to a seemingly very sick world.
I really enjoy listening to your comments on " Narcissism" . I personally know a full blown Narcissist and it is a real challenge to get along with this person. I would just like to conclude by saying I was (still am) a Great follower of the late Dr. Wayne Dyer and you remind me very much of him. I look forward to viewing all your videos.
Him never bonding or being vulnerable was the one thing that was the hardest for me to understand or accept. As long as he got what he wanted, which was so superficial and selfish he seemed okay, at least for a while. I always thought it was fear of being hurt, not control, so I hung in there and kept trying. He could actually fake vulnerability really well with others when it came in handy and that was always so confusing to me. He could cry and seem all emotional one minute and be glaring at me the next. When we were in front of others he could turn on the charm and feign vulnerability and humbleness, even though 2 seconds later he was looking at me like he could kill me. Those looks are something I will never miss, it felt evil. 16 years of crazy, confusing, torment. These videos have continued to help me. I am so happy to understand the mask and be free.
Because if they have been violent they can and will be dangerous.
I would really like to send him this video !! But, it's over already, and I know that it wouldn't change anything ! They don't learn anything from their failures, so it's senseless !! Thank you Dr. Carter , it is exactly how you describe it ,1-8 !!
Thank you Dr Carter! Looking forward to having total freedom to just be me---and letting others be wrong.
“You are irrelevant “ dang that spoke volumes to me! Learning to decipher what’s in my yard and whether it’s mine or not.
Number 9: they wrongly assume that someone like Dr Carter doesn't exist, and that everyone of us listening to him, is one step closer to regaining our sense of identity!
This guy hit the nail on the head with all of these points because it’s exactly what I’m experiencing with my significant other.
Thank you Dr. Carter for your incisive wisdom and advice in dealing with a narcissistic parent. I am 65 years old and only recently have begun to understand the impact of excessive narcissism of my mother, and the damage caused by this behavior.