I think the best way to "get someone to choose you" is ironically not try to get anyone to do anything. Present your best self and be willing to walk away at a certain point if commitment isn't on the table. And don't just say you'll walk - actually do it.
Exactly. In fact don't even say you'll walk away. Just do it, and maybe only as you're leaving, you offer the reasons. Do not give ultimatums, do not threaten. Just leave.
I've been In a relationship. We both have the same Energy but we had different countries like Pakistan & Ethiopia. But whenever we had any arguments she always said about finishing the relationship but she came back strong. But all of the sudden she said she's leaving and gonna in her country as she had a fear from me to do the same things as she's doing now.... I'm very much broken help me with this plx.
100%. Make yourself the best you can be and if she happens to come back, she has to earn that. What matters is you better yourself daily and when the next one comes along you are your best self
Accept that you gotta make a bunch of wrong choices until one of them is the right one. Accept that YOU ARE the wrong choice for a lot of people, and that's okay. You are also the right choice for a lot of people. Accept that you CO-CREATE certainty and safety by trying and seeing what happens, not holding blame or resentment for how it goes. Let yourself feel everything you feel along the way. Because REAL confidence is knowing you can feel all your feelings and knowing you can handle them.
That has always been my philosophy in every aspect of life. Have the courage to take the first step. Dare. Fail. Learn. Repeat. Persist until you succeed.
It's reassuring to remember that there are probably tens of thousands of people in this world, if not more, that we could be perfectly happy with. There's no "one" perfect person. It's okay to just pick one who happens to be at the right place at the right time. Regardless of which person you pick, you're always going to wonder what it would have been like to pick another person, or what if there's something better out there. Odds are, it won't be better. Just find a good person who fits most of what you're looking for and make it work.
Putting effort in and being interested in others makes a huge difference! I don’t try to do this - it’s something I do automatically and it’s hard for me not to. People know and sense when one is genuine and have their best interests at heart!
There are different kinds of interest. I've talked to people who are interested in me as a form of entertainment or for their emotional regulation. I want interest in me to be because a person has similar values, beliefs, ethics and principles and wants to join forces and effort with me to reach common goals of connection and collaboration as a committed, loyal partner or friend as an ally in life.
When you went through so much trauma it's hard to have a playfulness and lightness about you that makes people want to choose you, even after some healing, I feel men are afraid and prefer choosing someone who had an easier life
Have you tried counseling? Sometimes people think they've healed bc they've read a book or listened to a video or podcast, but sometimes having an expert know your specific situation and help you through it is needed.
Remember that other people have been through things too. The right person for you will likely be someone who’s been through ‘it’ too in their own way, and because of that SEES you.
9 years? Matthew said most people know whether they want to commit within 2 years. And as I’ve gotten older I realize this is true. The only people who take longer than that are people who are teenagers and people who are being strung along. I don’t mean to hurt you, but whatever you were telling yourself to stay with that person for that long without them making a real commitment, giving them marriage benefits without them actually marrying you, that was your problem. If someone made me wait a decade, I would also become “too much”. That person sucked. Not you.
focus on your personal growth, be authentically yourself, spread your joy and love around, know yourself worth , do not chase instead attract: the person who sees your value will choose you among the crowd , do not force anyone to recognize your worth...and Yes I am very old school, men should make the first move...Best wishes for all ❤
I was strung along for years by this person whom I truly loved & supported, even during his darkest moments. When he was broke, unemployed & confused. However, despite everything, he still chose to marry another woman & totally broke my heart & destroyed my faith & trust in romance.
I attract losers, too. I’m working to change myself so that I attract higher quality people like myself. I’m also working to spot those losers from the first minute, not realize it 2 years into the relationship. I’d rather be single than continue to date these losers.
I relate to wanting to save someone from themselves. I think it's related to the belief that if someone needs us, they won't betray us. I have to believe in loyalty and devotion by someone who doesn't need to be rescued, but rather needs deep connection like a professional tennis player needs to play tennis with someone at their level. I will wait as long as it takes to meet my person.
My approach is to just live my life, don’t what makes me happy, embarking on my own journey & they flock to me… which gives ME options. They want to absorb the high vibrational energy of interesting variables, My calm steady emotional support, Etc. So when we focus on our own internal goals & joy, we will naturally attract others simply by being UNFOCUSED on them.
You're right about the large menu analogy. When people feel uncertain or unsupported in their decision-making process, their excitement and confidence can be deflated. However, when someone is engaged and helps guide them towards a decision, they feel inspired and confident in their choice. Be that person in dating situations by being confident and certain about oneself and one's value. By showing certainty based on what one is looking for and what one brings to the table, one can help potential partners make the decision to commit.
Dear Matthew, I just want to thank you, the other day I looked for your videos about "limbo", cause I am dating someone new and in the past I used to end up stuck in limbo, in one of the videos you finished saying "leave the limbo today" so I gatthered the courage to have "the conversation" following your advices. The answer I got was that he actually wants a committed relationship with me, but besides that, I want to thank you for teaching me that I am not powerless cause that was what I learned during a childhood of emotional abuse, but not any more. Love from Mexico
This is the BEST breakdown of reality I've seen! He's saying work on yourself without it sounding like an impossible task by relating it to something relatable!🎉
Me too. I see so many people living superficial lives and content with doing so. The more we heal, grow and learn, the pickings are slimmer--romantic options and otherwise. But it makes the weeding-out process much easier.
As being a bit of a damaged person, my attachment style basically kicked in once rejected, or the person left or had no interest in me, it was at that moment I got confused and thought there was a bond......I've had enough time to process this and am ready to make a change.
People, please be realistic. This content works for sure, but only for a few people. You have to be authentic and genuine, not manipulative, and be the kind of person the person you want is into, other words, be realistic.
Unfortunately this does not work. I was confident, put myself forward, kept being positive & playful and showing why I was a great choice, was totally transparent and told him what I wanted & that I wanted him. He lead me on then ghosted me.
Love the advice! You never have a merely black or white POV or advice that doesn’t trascend to other areas of life. Sometimes you just need to work on yourself, bring the best possible version of yourself to the table and see what happens! Confidence is key in all kinds of relationships.
I am experiencing one of my hardest days ever, I can’t find the words to describe it. Me and my boyfriend we are so happy together but he doesn’t want kids until the day he becomes rich enough so that he can make his dreams without constraints now. We stopped for a quick time but now we are back together and yet he says he’s not ready for mariage. I am devastated..
Wow, this video really hits home! Understanding why commitment can be so hard to get is a game-changer. Thanks for sharing such practical advice to avoid relationship limbo!
Unfortunately, even when presenting my best self with absolute certainty, so many people are either unable and/or unwilling to appreciate it. At least that seems to be the recurring theme for me.
That's because you're living life on Nightmare mode. I know because I spent years getting into MCU shape and building my confidence and social skills as much as possible. It had zero effect on my dating, social, or work life. People look, stare, make comments, ask how I got into such good shape etc., but that's it. No interest after that.
This video was helpful in believing in myself and knowing I’m worthy of an honest, trustworthy, committed, etc companion. Also, confidence and certainty can be a mask for some deep insecurities. Be careful of the narcissist out there who make it seem you’d be a fool to not choose them, especially those who seem to “have it all” or who have so many skills that can benefit you. Test their people skills, listening skills and how much they really want to know about you. Do they empathize with you or would they rather you “leave your baggage at the door”?
Im not going to choose someone blindly based on recommendations. It does took high level of self awareness to know whether both of you choose each other in a right way and willing to work on the downside since everyone had their flaws and not so good season in life. If he didnt know how to choose his one of the most important decision in life, how will he deal with other options later. Just my 2cents
My thoughts are to be direct. If a dude isn't picking up on your "stare and hair flip/brush" or whatever subtleties. It's probably better to just properly communicate or just communicate properly from the start, I like that option most. I never had the, I guess confidence, to assume the subtelties are for me. I had a woman come up to me in church a while back and introduce herself and a brief talk unfortunately I was still healing from my last relationship at the time. It still flatters me to this day.
Matt could you maybe ask people why we tend to sabotage good relationships? I know that is trauma related, but what is a good idea to commit to someone holding on to love not in sabotaging because of fear, triggers, etc. Thank you 😊
This is one of my favourite of your videos Mathew. It saddens me that some people will hear your message and misinterpret, thinking the waitress should've appeared and not offered anything or that she should've left if he wasn't ready. Coaching so many people must be really difficult and demand a lot of patience. Big fan of your work, the warm way you show up, and the concrete answers you offer. Thanks for creating and sharing this
So.. I actually did some of the waiter#3 things. But she was afraid of commitment (came from a broken home). I did eventually give an ultimatum and walked away. She kept trying to come back. When I was on a trip she kept texting until I caved. Agreed to meet up. She then disappeared on me. When I got home she had slept with someone I considered a friend for 9 years... wtf? Sometimes it doesn't matter how we present ourselves or how good of an option we are.
You walked away with dignity, so she chased. Not because of your offer, but to show her power over you. Same reason she slept with your friend. Do not use her traumatic background to excuse the power play. That wasn’t anxiety. That was a power flex that women often use. Emotional manipulation, tears, guilting, only to discard you when you give in so they can have the last word. I’m only explaining to you because you asked wtf. That wasn’t a good person, and you may have been her best option. But you totally dodged a f’d up bullet. Imagine her parenting your kids and what a divorce would be like with a manipulator like that. You could be the best dad and husband in the world and she still would have done so much harm to you. Because that’s who she is. You were not wrong to fall in love, but you were mistaken as to who that was and didn’t understand her motivations.
@cecilang9721 thanks I only saw this reaction just now but it is very validating. Empathy can be one hell of a drug I guess xD She also cried to my friends after I blocked her saying she "just wants to talk about what is bothering me so much." I decided to keep her blocked and ignore her when I walk into her (we have some mutual friends). It is hard though.
I’m confused. I feel like this video is still saying “you need to be different in order to get someone to commit to you” and that you can get anyone you want if you’re better. Aren’t there some people who are so focused on dating multiple people and having that choice that no matter what we do, they won’t have certainty. Why is is up to me to give the person certainty?
Recently I was introduced to someone who seemed like an interesting character. I saw him a few times across town until we agreed to meet and talk. So we met he spoke about himself for about half an hour. He then told me I always looked good I was surprised because be made it look as if he didn’t notice me at all. Then I say i looked good because I worked on myself emotionally, physically and spiritually then he cuts me off and says I am too good for him. And basically it ended right there. Even though I felt there was strong attraction and I had a strong feeling he liked me. In fact I became aware he was quite toxic and had to cut him off. He was building me up to tear me apart no thank you. That’s when I gave up on dating. If you have to convince someone to choose you. You are travelling on the wrong path. If someone can’t observe and see the value of you don’t bother you are wasting your time!
I can't relate to this at all. All I find are girls who want nothing to do with me, I'd be stoked to find one who wanted a casual relationship or had any interest in me at all. And when I go to the restaurant, they just hand me a blank menu, because I have no options. But yeah, I'm sure having too many options and only finding people who want to sleep with you is tough too...
I do not find making someone commit difficult. I find it difficult to decide whether they deserve me trying to make them commit. How can we know someone is trustworthy or genuine.
I am not auditioning. You are doubting whether you want to commit? I'm out. I expect men to date ONLY me. Rather stay single than be one of many. Literally had a guy tell me after our first date that he wanted to date others. I follishly allowed it and he still rejected me in the end. If they are unsure after the first kiss, they will be later, too. Waste of time. Choose yourself.
@@Ansaphone1989 I don't see anything in the comment that says he said that. If he said that then obviously you shouldn't wait around but saying he wants to take time to actually get to know people is sensible and not disrespectful.
The problem on todays day is that everyone justifies themselves saying oh I’m “actively dating” that what it’s called today, from my personal experience it’s men and woman but mostly men the ones that only look for hookups, early sex or “see where it goes”. The problem is not simultaneously dating, the problem is that if we know what we want or have on the menu there’s no way you will go into such a poor decision of being in a situationship and that’s when it all unfolds of having people out here that cannot make a decision about you or you about them because that’s the o oh thing they bring to the table. It’s a vicious circle that’s only surrounds those who seek for nothing and for those that are willing to settle with any breadcrumbs that are left for them.
Mattew 😊you defined it 100. You be the be the waiter no 3. Who is with confidence and certaincy.recommends the one who stands out on the menu. In short certaincy,
As soon as I hear! I will never get married again!! Especially in an unrelated conversation- I’m gone! I don’t care if he thought he was funny or whatever… I just say “I hear you loud and clear! Bye bye!!!” 😅
So how this will happen on dating app? They stopped the conversation after couple sentences exchanged. It's frustrating. My profile gets so much attention on the dating app, but they don't continue the conversation, I don't get it
Interesting way of framing it, but I'm still confused about how to present this in a real-life situation, not to mention the internal hurdle of believing I am actually the best thing on the menu.
The danger with this approach is that it attracts people who are attracted to indifference, not people who themselves are looking for love. Not giving a shit can create attraction, but not love.
@@aioaneirebecca534 I totally agree. Just feel quite ironic that healthy relationship happened right after I totally gave up the idea of getting a man 😅
It’s not necessarily not giving a sht, but it’s about focusing on making the best you, and not putting pressure or a woman on a pedestal. Keep growing and being the best you, the right one will enter your life.
I´d say that most men leave one relationship for another instead of being single for a while, taking time to heal and organize their new life. That makes it even harder for women like me. I`m totally not interested in getting to know men being in a relationship(married or not).
Yes, choosing ourselves is a must for a healthy, mature life. As far as relationships with others go, as I said in another comment in here: "the reason it's important to be 'chosen' by someone is that healthy, mature relationships require investment, intrinsic motivation, care and concern. How many people invest in that which they don't 'choose'?""
Great video! My five year relationship came to an end a month ago. The love of my life chose to leave, and I can't stop thinking about him; I love him so deeply. I've done everything I can to win him back, but nothing seems to work. I'm feeling frustrated and can't imagine my life with anyone else. Despite my efforts to move on, I just can't shake the thoughts of him. I don’t know why I’m sharing this, but I really miss him.
It's tough to let go of someone you care about. I can relate, my 12year relationship also ended, and I struggled to move on. I tried everything to get him back, even seeking help from a spiritual counselor who ultimately helped me reconnect with him.
And what when that's the biggest flaw itself one has. I know I'm great yet I fall out way behind even in professional life because of it. I'm too good at recognizing my flaws but just can't begin to highlight my strengths! and that's after being 11 years a working person. And worst - I've never had any form of real relationship I might have built ever, not even among family. I have merely existed and now I am 40 years old, single and seeing less and less oppurtunities (I also even let myself out and in the game too late as well, after I was 30 yrs old) ... so today I have been feeling more bummed out than usual (unable to even perhaps convey properly what I want to)....
Don’t be afraid of failing if you try. Be afraid of not trying because it’s equivalent to failure. If you run a race and come in second to last, next time you might come in higher up. If you don’t enter the race, you will always just have automatically lost. No chance at all. I think you are starting to see that. And opportunities don’t come. You have to go out there and make them. You can’t just sit around waiting. So what if you overhype your qualifications? What else is everyone else doing after all? And you are not special and not born to privilege where such things rain from the sky. What even are you doing? Apply for better jobs. Approach people you think are attractive. So what if they say no? You already got rejected by not even trying. I got through grad school every day by pointing out to myself which idiots became president. If I were them I never would have tried even. But they did and they got something. So I should try too. Good luck!
But... Won't this attract people that are uncertain about themselves that will rely on you a little much for making decisions? Because I think I might be a person like that😅
Question, I need help! He kissed me on our second date, then 8 days after, he texted me to schedule a third date. I didn’t reach out this time because I had nudged him for the second date and wanted to see if he was interested enough this time. I know it’s not great communication from both of us, but I like him and am looking for causal for now. How long should I wait before answering his text if I want him to keep on chasing me and not take me for granted? I don’t want to mirror or be childish, just to spark his interest.
I dont understand how to translate this into actual living. I once went on a date where the person said, 'Im one of the good ones.' It was a weird over-sell & offputting. Is it just; 'here I am, take me or leave me. Either way, Im all good. Cheers?'
What if you're physically unattractive though? I don't mean someone who is just paranoid or self-conscious, I mean if you're actually unattractive with a lot of 'flaws'?
I am not an expert, but I would say, improve all the areas that you can. Take self assertiveness courses, read books or hang around others who are confident to boost your personality up a couple of notches. Rock what you've got. Try a new hair cut, a new complimentary makeup style, what outfits look cute to you? Try to put together an outfit in a new way. We do live in a world of unequities, but please know what is in your heart and spirit is invaluable. Ramp up your self esteem and present yourself as if you know you are a gift because you are. Try not to let others pettiness get you down. There are people out there who will love what you have. Keep your resilience and strength up, until you meet that type
I just got back from a resort trip with a friend. Everyone else there was couples. And after looking at hundreds of couples, I have to say that whatever is making people pair up is definitely not looks. I saw lots of couples who were mismatched in terms of physical attractiveness but they all seemed just as happy and loving as the ones who matched. This was a big eye opener for me. As much as physical attractiveness and photos seem to matter in dating apps, it seems to matter little in real life relationships. Just try your best to be your best. I guess that’s the lesson.
What should I do if I really like someone who invites me to hang out every weekend and displays all the qualities I want? However, there was one time he mentioned needing to explore, even though he knows I'm seeking a monogamous, long-term relationship. We’re still seeing each other, but I'm starting to get emotionally attached.
Stop it. Decline the invitations. He is looking to reel you into a situation because he knows you are catching feelings. Then he will manipulate you while he cheats on you by saying, you knew I wasn’t monogamous when we started. You really want that? Wasting the best years of your life? Please find other people to hang out with before you make a big mistake in your life and get heartbreak. Or, if you have the guts, reaffirm your position. Say, I told you before I’m dating with intent. Only want someone who wants ONLY me. You told me that’s not you, which is fine. But I’m uninterested in a situationship. Thanks but no thanks. And then leave it up to them whether they will change. Because otherwise they are forcing you to change into someone who is ok with being used. Are you the one who wants to become that? Or do you want someone who actually loves you monogamous? Keep asking yourself that. You are precious. Protect yourself.
tbh, i've started to be fed up with strategies to make someone choose me. f*** this people pleasing attitude. i try to be my most lovely self while living boundaries and standards. if you like me, fine. if you don't, all good. i'll be fine. life is good sometimes and annoying or hard other times. it's a wild ride sometimes, and everyone loyal, lovely and supportive is welcome - because that is how i tick and i do not want bs in my life.
Listening to this was so tedious and tested my patience. I don't think I need to be talked to as if I am so mentally slow that I need an explanation that 5 years old children would find appropriately paced
It’s, unfortunately, what is guys are conditioned by society. The good news is, you can learn and work on yourself.. when you do, the way you see life changes. It’s an amazing feeling. Don’t get down, I was in the same spot. I took the time to learn what I was doing wrong and corrected. Life is amazing now. You can do it too :)
what about if you make the healthiest choice for yourself by walking away and then for months or longer still feel sad and wish you had stayed because the feeling now is worse than how they made you feel with them not valuing you.
You were true to yourself when you walked away from someone who did not value you. I actually totally get what you are saying though. And it is coming from an insecure attachment style. So then the question is why do we want someone who is not a match and is bad for us...just what the other poster said...this is where we need therapy.
Well then, now it has nothing to do with them. You were using them to fill a wound. And even though it was a terrible fit, it felt batter than having it empty. So obviously it’s not anything they are or are not doing. The problem is yourself. Therapy. Your only path to filling that hole so you can move ahead in life and possibly get better and healthier relationships in the future. Do you even know where the hole is? Because I thought I was a whole person but then suddenly as a relationship shook my foundations I realized I was in fact very empty.
I tried asking help/ advice for my situation, but most of the responses have been negative, insulting and clearly not uplifting ... perhaps you should do some more videos on trying to teach people how not to spread negativity and insults, be kind and thoughtful. I thought your followers would be better than that. I deleted my first question since I realize I won't be getting any help or decent advice here, not your fault Matt.
Hii Coach, what should I do? I'm dating a girl. We were ok from the beginning, I've been dating her for a month but why did she suddenly change? we didn't fight either
If I can guess, it’s probably because you have come on too strong and may be trying to lock her down. You have to space out seeing her and don’t talk on phone/text too much. Unlike what we are told by society, women’s feeling need to build. If she has pulled back a bit, don’t chase and ask “what did I do wrong”. Just go with the flow and be indifferent to her backing down. Give her space if she needs it. Any other questions, let me know :)
Again, projection. Part of romance. At first, everyone has the potential to be great. Because you don’t know them super well. As you know them better, things come to the surface you don’t like. Behaviors, even physical things like their tone or their breath. Then as the reality catches up to the dream person, everyone must choose whether or not it’s “worth it” to spend more time on a particular relationship. Are the good things better than the annoyances? The other advice is solid. If that’s what’s happening, give them space. Sometimes the space will either allow them to forget what’s annoying, or they will miss your good things so much they become willing to overlook the bad. That’s your only chance to make things better is to give lots of space. And if they don’t come chasing, it means they don’t like you. In which case, move on.
Mr. Matt Hussey, I have to say that I dont like your channel because you say you're the best, or that it is the best thing for me. What makes me like your channel is the fact that I watched other YT channels like this one , and your words resonated with my ideals. Thats why I like your channel 😃
Why would I ‘recommend myself’ to anyone? If said person doesn’t get it, I’m out… next! Sorry, but this message doesn’t quite resonate with the dating world. We are not selling phones here… 😊
I think the best way to "get someone to choose you" is ironically not try to get anyone to do anything. Present your best self and be willing to walk away at a certain point if commitment isn't on the table. And don't just say you'll walk - actually do it.
Exactly. In fact don't even say you'll walk away. Just do it, and maybe only as you're leaving, you offer the reasons.
Do not give ultimatums, do not threaten. Just leave.
Good advice ❤
You are contradicting yourself. You are still trying to GET someone to choose you?
@@nicksmith-cx1fx
What she hints at is the concept of "winning the game by not playing". 🧠
I've been In a relationship. We both have the same Energy but we had different countries like Pakistan & Ethiopia. But whenever we had any arguments she always said about finishing the relationship but she came back strong. But all of the sudden she said she's leaving and gonna in her country as she had a fear from me to do the same things as she's doing now.... I'm very much broken help me with this plx.
You simply walk away without any hope of them returning. Don't torture yourself by pursuing them further or waiting endlessly on the sidelines.
100%. Make yourself the best you can be and if she happens to come back, she has to earn that. What matters is you better yourself daily and when the next one comes along you are your best self
Accept that you gotta make a bunch of wrong choices until one of them is the right one. Accept that YOU ARE the wrong choice for a lot of people, and that's okay. You are also the right choice for a lot of people. Accept that you CO-CREATE certainty and safety by trying and seeing what happens, not holding blame or resentment for how it goes. Let yourself feel everything you feel along the way. Because REAL confidence is knowing you can feel all your feelings and knowing you can handle them.
That has always been my philosophy in every aspect of life. Have the courage to take the first step. Dare. Fail. Learn. Repeat. Persist until you succeed.
It's reassuring to remember that there are probably tens of thousands of people in this world, if not more, that we could be perfectly happy with. There's no "one" perfect person. It's okay to just pick one who happens to be at the right place at the right time. Regardless of which person you pick, you're always going to wonder what it would have been like to pick another person, or what if there's something better out there. Odds are, it won't be better. Just find a good person who fits most of what you're looking for and make it work.
I agree with this philosophically! A lot of my work speaks to this idea. Thanks for commenting.
1000%
It's less reassuring when you know that every single one of them won't have any interest in you, even if you happen to meet them.
Putting effort in and being interested in others makes a huge difference! I don’t try to do this - it’s something I do automatically and it’s hard for me not to.
People know and sense when one is genuine and have their best interests at heart!
There are different kinds of interest. I've talked to people who are interested in me as a form of entertainment or for their emotional regulation. I want interest in me to be because a person has similar values, beliefs, ethics and principles and wants to join forces and effort with me to reach common goals of connection and collaboration as a committed, loyal partner or friend as an ally in life.
Absolutely! And assuring they are interested in you too… it’s a 2-way street
When you went through so much trauma it's hard to have a playfulness and lightness about you that makes people want to choose you, even after some healing, I feel men are afraid and prefer choosing someone who had an easier life
Yes no need to tel them about difficulty pretending you’ve had an easy life too
Have you tried counseling? Sometimes people think they've healed bc they've read a book or listened to a video or podcast, but sometimes having an expert know your specific situation and help you through it is needed.
Remember that other people have been through things too. The right person for you will likely be someone who’s been through ‘it’ too in their own way, and because of that SEES you.
Bingo! That’s partly why my fiancé left me after 9 years. I was “too much” even with therapy 😢
9 years? Matthew said most people know whether they want to commit within 2 years. And as I’ve gotten older I realize this is true. The only people who take longer than that are people who are teenagers and people who are being strung along. I don’t mean to hurt you, but whatever you were telling yourself to stay with that person for that long without them making a real commitment, giving them marriage benefits without them actually marrying you, that was your problem. If someone made me wait a decade, I would also become “too much”. That person sucked. Not you.
focus on your personal growth, be authentically yourself, spread your joy and love around, know yourself worth , do not chase instead attract: the person who sees your value will choose you among the crowd , do not force anyone to recognize your worth...and Yes I am very old school, men should make the first move...Best wishes for all ❤
Confidence can be very attractive. Believing in yourself and your worth can draw others to you.
Confidence is the #1 key for a guy
Can is the key word there. If you're living life on Nightmare mode, confidence won't do a thing for you.
Keep making yourself better BUT! always be yourself, don't try to be something you are not , you can't keep up.
I was strung along for years by this person whom I truly loved & supported, even during his darkest moments. When he was broke, unemployed & confused. However, despite everything, he still chose to marry another woman & totally broke my heart & destroyed my faith & trust in romance.
We have to stop "pouring into" someone with potential... He was able to get you while broke, jobless & confused 😕
I attract losers, too. I’m working to change myself so that I attract higher quality people like myself. I’m also working to spot those losers from the first minute, not realize it 2 years into the relationship. I’d rather be single than continue to date these losers.
That’s a hard lesson to learn. You have to keep going with that knowledge. 💕💕 Keep going girl!
I relate to wanting to save someone from themselves. I think it's related to the belief that if someone needs us, they won't betray us. I have to believe in loyalty and devotion by someone who doesn't need to be rescued, but rather needs deep connection like a professional tennis player needs to play tennis with someone at their level. I will wait as long as it takes to meet my person.
Flush the toilet. He is a stinker
My approach is to just live my life, don’t what makes me happy, embarking on my own journey & they flock to me… which gives ME options. They want to absorb the high vibrational energy of interesting variables,
My calm steady emotional support,
Etc. So when we focus on our own internal goals & joy, we will naturally attract others simply by being UNFOCUSED on them.
You're right about the large menu analogy. When people feel uncertain or unsupported in their decision-making process, their excitement and confidence can be deflated. However, when someone is engaged and helps guide them towards a decision, they feel inspired and confident in their choice. Be that person in dating situations by being confident and certain about oneself and one's value. By showing certainty based on what one is looking for and what one brings to the table, one can help potential partners make the decision to commit.
It's sad that we are here for people who keep breaking our hearts, still appreciate the gems of wisdom though.
Dear Matthew, I just want to thank you, the other day I looked for your videos about "limbo", cause I am dating someone new and in the past I used to end up stuck in limbo, in one of the videos you finished saying "leave the limbo today" so I gatthered the courage to have "the conversation" following your advices. The answer I got was that he actually wants a committed relationship with me, but besides that, I want to thank you for teaching me that I am not powerless cause that was what I learned during a childhood of emotional abuse, but not any more. Love from Mexico
@whatap1719-m4g You are fake
This works for a while and then they want an easy way out. Best is when I don't need to convince. Order whatever you like and we see if it matches.
This is the BEST breakdown of reality I've seen! He's saying work on yourself without it sounding like an impossible task by relating it to something relatable!🎉
Being 56, I am certain I will not spend time or pursue those who dont show basic interest in me. Took a while to get here but I get it
Me too. I see so many people living superficial lives and content with doing so. The more we heal, grow and learn, the pickings are slimmer--romantic options and otherwise. But it makes the weeding-out process much easier.
As being a bit of a damaged person, my attachment style basically kicked in once rejected, or the person left or had no interest in me, it was at that moment I got confused and thought there was a bond......I've had enough time to process this and am ready to make a change.
Or just learn to be happy alone. Its hell out there
People, please be realistic. This content works for sure, but only for a few people. You have to be authentic and genuine, not manipulative, and be the kind of person the person you want is into, other words, be realistic.
Unfortunately this does not work. I was confident, put myself forward, kept being positive & playful and showing why I was a great choice, was totally transparent and told him what I wanted & that I wanted him. He lead me on then ghosted me.
Love the advice! You never have a merely black or white POV or advice that doesn’t trascend to other areas of life. Sometimes you just need to work on yourself, bring the best possible version of yourself to the table and see what happens! Confidence is key in all kinds of relationships.
I am experiencing one of my hardest days ever, I can’t find the words to describe it. Me and my boyfriend we are so happy together but he doesn’t want kids until the day he becomes rich enough so that he can make his dreams without constraints now. We stopped for a quick time but now we are back together and yet he says he’s not ready for mariage. I am devastated..
I'm sorry
Wow, this video really hits home! Understanding why commitment can be so hard to get is a game-changer. Thanks for sharing such practical advice to avoid relationship limbo!
Great points! Here's why I think your video is worth watching.
Wow! Never thought of it this way! The restaurant illustration was so helpful! Thanks, Matthew! 😊
Glad it was helpful! We enjoyed making it!
Yeah, but please understand that for many guys, the waiter hands us a blank menu.
Unfortunately, even when presenting my best self with absolute certainty, so many people are either unable and/or unwilling to appreciate it. At least that seems to be the recurring theme for me.
That's because you're living life on Nightmare mode. I know because I spent years getting into MCU shape and building my confidence and social skills as much as possible. It had zero effect on my dating, social, or work life. People look, stare, make comments, ask how I got into such good shape etc., but that's it. No interest after that.
How much vulnerability do you display with others? Vulnerability - the kind thats willing to show all sides of you even the not so great ones.
This video was brilliant. A notch above anything I’ve seen from Hussey before ❤
Thinking the same
It`s like the law of attraction, right? Be what you want to attract
This video was helpful in believing in myself and knowing I’m worthy of an honest, trustworthy, committed, etc companion. Also, confidence and certainty can be a mask for some deep insecurities. Be careful of the narcissist out there who make it seem you’d be a fool to not choose them, especially those who seem to “have it all” or who have so many skills that can benefit you. Test their people skills, listening skills and how much they really want to know about you. Do they empathize with you or would they rather you “leave your baggage at the door”?
🏃♂🏃🏃♀NEVER CHASE SOMETHING or SOMEONE in this life ! 🏃♀🏃♂🏃
BE THE BEST OF YOU and LET EM COME!💯
Easy to say when they actually come to you. Not so easy when you've worked to be the best you can be, only to still have no interest.
Love cannot be had for the asking. It comes freely as a gift from the other..
Im not going to choose someone blindly based on recommendations. It does took high level of self awareness to know whether both of you choose each other in a right way and willing to work on the downside since everyone had their flaws and not so good season in life. If he didnt know how to choose his one of the most important decision in life, how will he deal with other options later. Just my 2cents
This is not only a dating advice, but an advice for life! Thank you for that video, that was exactly what I needed to hear today ❤
My thoughts are to be direct. If a dude isn't picking up on your "stare and hair flip/brush" or whatever subtleties. It's probably better to just properly communicate or just communicate properly from the start, I like that option most. I never had the, I guess confidence, to assume the subtelties are for me. I had a woman come up to me in church a while back and introduce herself and a brief talk unfortunately I was still healing from my last relationship at the time. It still flatters me to this day.
Matt could you maybe ask people why we tend to sabotage good relationships? I know that is trauma related, but what is a good idea to commit to someone holding on to love not in sabotaging because of fear, triggers, etc.
Thank you 😊
this format of videos suits me a lot
Matthew back to what he does best, presenting new ideas in a great way. Reminds me of the old vids, well done 👍🏻😁👏🏻x
Thank you Mandy! This means a lot! It takes time to make these kinds of videos but it’s so worth it when me and my team read a comment like this.
Love this concept! Always learn something new from you, thanks Matthew!
I thought you said the feeling of uncertainty mixed with certainty is what makes someone commit. Can you explain that?
This is outstanding, Matthew. Thank you!
This is one of my favourite of your videos Mathew. It saddens me that some people will hear your message and misinterpret, thinking the waitress should've appeared and not offered anything or that she should've left if he wasn't ready. Coaching so many people must be really difficult and demand a lot of patience. Big fan of your work, the warm way you show up, and the concrete answers you offer. Thanks for creating and sharing this
Matthew, your content and your books have been such a great help. Thank you
I'm always throwing out my bait out there🎣🐠and kept catching the wrong one 🤦♀️
So female intuition is a myth?
What's your bait?
I think my biggest struggle is getting someone to ask me out. Can you do a video or do you have one on that?
mathew i am going through depression and your videos help me alot ..ty❤
So.. I actually did some of the waiter#3 things. But she was afraid of commitment (came from a broken home). I did eventually give an ultimatum and walked away. She kept trying to come back. When I was on a trip she kept texting until I caved. Agreed to meet up. She then disappeared on me. When I got home she had slept with someone I considered a friend for 9 years... wtf? Sometimes it doesn't matter how we present ourselves or how good of an option we are.
You walked away with dignity, so she chased. Not because of your offer, but to show her power over you. Same reason she slept with your friend. Do not use her traumatic background to excuse the power play. That wasn’t anxiety. That was a power flex that women often use. Emotional manipulation, tears, guilting, only to discard you when you give in so they can have the last word. I’m only explaining to you because you asked wtf. That wasn’t a good person, and you may have been her best option. But you totally dodged a f’d up bullet. Imagine her parenting your kids and what a divorce would be like with a manipulator like that. You could be the best dad and husband in the world and she still would have done so much harm to you. Because that’s who she is. You were not wrong to fall in love, but you were mistaken as to who that was and didn’t understand her motivations.
@cecilang9721 thanks
I only saw this reaction just now but it is very validating. Empathy can be one hell of a drug I guess xD
She also cried to my friends after I blocked her saying she "just wants to talk about what is bothering me so much." I decided to keep her blocked and ignore her when I walk into her (we have some mutual friends). It is hard though.
This is so well done!!These comparisons really give food (lol) for thought and are so true. Looking forward to diving deeper on 10/22 :)
Thank you Margo! My team crushed it on this one, I’m really proud of them!
Great, now I want wings more than a relationship.
Thank goodness for Matt and Matthew AI! It’s so great! ❤ In early dating, the text replies he suggests are so great!
What do you do if you really like a guy but your too shy to talk to him?
If you don`t even know him, how could you possibly REALLY like him?
Projection. Liking what you see and imagining there’s more good stuff underneath. No way to know unless you investigate.
Thank you for taking the time to create this awesome content! 🎉
I’m confused. I feel like this video is still saying “you need to be different in order to get someone to commit to you” and that you can get anyone you want if you’re better. Aren’t there some people who are so focused on dating multiple people and having that choice that no matter what we do, they won’t have certainty. Why is is up to me to give the person certainty?
The part about certainty towards the end 💯
Top 10 best analogies of 2024
I love this video and this concept, Matt!
This man speaks the truth
Recently I was introduced to someone who seemed like an interesting character. I saw him a few times across town until we agreed to meet and talk. So we met he spoke about himself for about half an hour. He then told me I always looked good I was surprised because be made it look as if he didn’t notice me at all. Then I say i looked good because I worked on myself emotionally, physically and spiritually then he cuts me off and says I am too good for him. And basically it ended right there. Even though I felt there was strong attraction and I had a strong feeling he liked me. In fact I became aware he was quite toxic and had to cut him off. He was building me up to tear me apart no thank you. That’s when I gave up on dating. If you have to convince someone to choose you. You are travelling on the wrong path. If someone can’t observe and see the value of you don’t bother you are wasting your time!
My problem is no one will come to the "restaurant"
I can't relate to this at all. All I find are girls who want nothing to do with me, I'd be stoked to find one who wanted a casual relationship or had any interest in me at all. And when I go to the restaurant, they just hand me a blank menu, because I have no options.
But yeah, I'm sure having too many options and only finding people who want to sleep with you is tough too...
wow, this resonate so much. I was waiter 1 and 2! wish i realised this earlier
I do not find making someone commit difficult. I find it difficult to decide whether they deserve me trying to make them commit. How can we know someone is trustworthy or genuine.
I am not auditioning. You are doubting whether you want to commit? I'm out. I expect men to date ONLY me. Rather stay single than be one of many.
Literally had a guy tell me after our first date that he wanted to date others. I follishly allowed it and he still rejected me in the end. If they are unsure after the first kiss, they will be later, too. Waste of time. Choose yourself.
How can you know how compatible you are with someone straight after the first kiss - unless you don't kiss until you've had many many dates?
@@farymaa you can literally end things when you stop feeling compatible. Constantly and actively looking for a replacement is rude and gross.
@@farymaa Why would you have intimacy with someone who literally tells you they want to meet someone better?
@@Ansaphone1989 I don't see anything in the comment that says he said that. If he said that then obviously you shouldn't wait around but saying he wants to take time to actually get to know people is sensible and not disrespectful.
@@farymaa to know people? You can do that by going for coffee dates. Men who sleep with different women every week and lead them on are disgusting.
YOU ARE GENIUS! YOU ARE!
The problem on todays day is that everyone justifies themselves saying oh I’m “actively dating” that what it’s called today, from my personal experience it’s men and woman but mostly men the ones that only look for hookups, early sex or “see where it goes”. The problem is not simultaneously dating, the problem is that if we know what we want or have on the menu there’s no way you will go into such a poor decision of being in a situationship and that’s when it all unfolds of having people out here that cannot make a decision about you or you about them because that’s the o oh thing they bring to the table. It’s a vicious circle that’s only surrounds those who seek for nothing and for those that are willing to settle with any breadcrumbs that are left for them.
Mattew 😊you defined it 100. You be the be the waiter no 3. Who is with confidence and certaincy.recommends the one who stands out on the menu. In short certaincy,
I só admire your Point of view!!!
Thank you❤❤❤
As soon as I hear! I will never get married again!! Especially in an unrelated conversation- I’m gone! I don’t care if he thought he was funny or whatever… I just say “I hear you loud and clear! Bye bye!!!” 😅
Is the living training recorded and can be watched somewhere now?
You are the BEST ❤❤❤
🙏
So how this will happen on dating app? They stopped the conversation after couple sentences exchanged. It's frustrating. My profile gets so much attention on the dating app, but they don't continue the conversation, I don't get it
Interesting way of framing it, but I'm still confused about how to present this in a real-life situation, not to mention the internal hurdle of believing I am actually the best thing on the menu.
I hate to say this but from my experience...When you don't give a s***t, that right person might come to choose you 😂Pathetic reality
The danger with this approach is that it attracts people who are attracted to indifference, not people who themselves are looking for love. Not giving a shit can create attraction, but not love.
It`s exactly what he says, too. If you become more confident and relaxed, you will attract qualitative men.
@@aioaneirebecca534 I totally agree. Just feel quite ironic that healthy relationship happened right after I totally gave up the idea of getting a man 😅
It’s not necessarily not giving a sht, but it’s about focusing on making the best you, and not putting pressure or a woman on a pedestal. Keep growing and being the best you, the right one will enter your life.
I´d say that most men leave one relationship for another instead of being single for a while, taking time to heal and organize their new life. That makes it even harder for women like me. I`m totally not interested in getting to know men being in a relationship(married or not).
How funny! I’ve always used the Cheesecake Factory menu as an example of feeling overwhelmed lol. Too funny.
I choose me. I don't need anybody else to choose me.
Yes, choosing ourselves is a must for a healthy, mature life. As far as relationships with others go, as I said in another comment in here: "the reason it's important to be 'chosen' by someone is that healthy, mature relationships require investment, intrinsic motivation, care and concern. How many people invest in that which they don't 'choose'?""
Because we are more relaxed and more likely to initiate conversation and relax into a great conversation and moment.
Not even your husband? 🙂
Deep down in your heart, I bet you do
Oh, yes, that’s a great philosophy. Then you can go through your whole life not being connected to anyone.
I am watching you now on 23 October, one day late(r). Did you record yesterday's LLT?
Great video! My five year relationship came to an end a month ago. The love of my life chose to leave, and I can't stop thinking about him; I love him so deeply. I've done everything I can to win him back, but nothing seems to work. I'm feeling frustrated and can't imagine my life with anyone else. Despite my efforts to move on, I just can't shake the thoughts of him. I don’t know why I’m sharing this, but I really miss him.
It's tough to let go of someone you care about. I can relate, my 12year relationship also ended, and I struggled to move on. I tried everything to get him back, even seeking help from a spiritual counselor who ultimately helped me reconnect with him.
That's incredible! How did you find a spiritual counselor, and how can I contact one?
His name is Owen Abiola, and he’s an amazing spiritual counselor who specializes in bringing back lost loves.
Owen Abiola has incredible powers, and he can assist you.
Thank you for sharing this valuable information! I just looked him up online, and I'm impressed.
And what when that's the biggest flaw itself one has. I know I'm great yet I fall out way behind even in professional life because of it. I'm too good at recognizing my flaws but just can't begin to highlight my strengths! and that's after being 11 years a working person.
And worst - I've never had any form of real relationship I might have built ever, not even among family. I have merely existed and now I am 40 years old, single and seeing less and less oppurtunities (I also even let myself out and in the game too late as well, after I was 30 yrs old) ... so today I have been feeling more bummed out than usual (unable to even perhaps convey properly what I want to)....
Don’t be afraid of failing if you try. Be afraid of not trying because it’s equivalent to failure. If you run a race and come in second to last, next time you might come in higher up. If you don’t enter the race, you will always just have automatically lost. No chance at all. I think you are starting to see that. And opportunities don’t come. You have to go out there and make them. You can’t just sit around waiting. So what if you overhype your qualifications? What else is everyone else doing after all? And you are not special and not born to privilege where such things rain from the sky. What even are you doing? Apply for better jobs. Approach people you think are attractive. So what if they say no? You already got rejected by not even trying. I got through grad school every day by pointing out to myself which idiots became president. If I were them I never would have tried even. But they did and they got something. So I should try too. Good luck!
But... Won't this attract people that are uncertain about themselves that will rely on you a little much for making decisions? Because I think I might be a person like that😅
Question, I need help! He kissed me on our second date, then 8 days after, he texted me to schedule a third date. I didn’t reach out this time because I had nudged him for the second date and wanted to see if he was interested enough this time. I know it’s not great communication from both of us, but I like him and am looking for causal for now. How long should I wait before answering his text if I want him to keep on chasing me and not take me for granted? I don’t want to mirror or be childish, just to spark his interest.
Since you’re looking to spark his interest without playing hard to get, replying within a day or two should keep things casual and intriguing;)
Agree. 2 days. Be joking and flirty. Keep them on their toes.
I dont understand how to translate this into actual living. I once went on a date where the person said, 'Im one of the good ones.' It was a weird over-sell & offputting. Is it just; 'here I am, take me or leave me. Either way, Im all good. Cheers?'
What if you're physically unattractive though? I don't mean someone who is just paranoid or self-conscious, I mean if you're actually unattractive with a lot of 'flaws'?
I am not an expert, but I would say, improve all the areas that you can. Take self assertiveness courses, read books or hang around others who are confident to boost your personality up a couple of notches. Rock what you've got. Try a new hair cut, a new complimentary makeup style, what outfits look cute to you? Try to put together an outfit in a new way. We do live in a world of unequities, but please know what is in your heart and spirit is invaluable. Ramp up your self esteem and present yourself as if you know you are a gift because you are. Try not to let others pettiness get you down. There are people out there who will love what you have. Keep your resilience and strength up, until you meet that type
I just got back from a resort trip with a friend. Everyone else there was couples. And after looking at hundreds of couples, I have to say that whatever is making people pair up is definitely not looks. I saw lots of couples who were mismatched in terms of physical attractiveness but they all seemed just as happy and loving as the ones who matched. This was a big eye opener for me. As much as physical attractiveness and photos seem to matter in dating apps, it seems to matter little in real life relationships. Just try your best to be your best. I guess that’s the lesson.
Good talk! 💕
Thanks!
do I have to go through all of this just to get one person loving me?
Now thats an insight
What should I do if I really like someone who invites me to hang out every weekend and displays all the qualities I want? However, there was one time he mentioned needing to explore, even though he knows I'm seeking a monogamous, long-term relationship. We’re still seeing each other, but I'm starting to get emotionally attached.
Stop it. Decline the invitations. He is looking to reel you into a situation because he knows you are catching feelings. Then he will manipulate you while he cheats on you by saying, you knew I wasn’t monogamous when we started. You really want that? Wasting the best years of your life? Please find other people to hang out with before you make a big mistake in your life and get heartbreak.
Or, if you have the guts, reaffirm your position. Say, I told you before I’m dating with intent. Only want someone who wants ONLY me. You told me that’s not you, which is fine. But I’m uninterested in a situationship. Thanks but no thanks. And then leave it up to them whether they will change. Because otherwise they are forcing you to change into someone who is ok with being used. Are you the one who wants to become that? Or do you want someone who actually loves you monogamous? Keep asking yourself that. You are precious. Protect yourself.
@@cecilang9721Thank you very much 🙏💚
tbh, i've started to be fed up with strategies to make someone choose me. f*** this people pleasing attitude. i try to be my most lovely self while living boundaries and standards. if you like me, fine. if you don't, all good. i'll be fine. life is good sometimes and annoying or hard other times. it's a wild ride sometimes, and everyone loyal, lovely and supportive is welcome - because that is how i tick and i do not want bs in my life.
I think you just described the philosophies I teach 😅
@@thematthewhussey in that case i agree with your philosophies 😉
Agree to some extent
Listening to this was so tedious and tested my patience. I don't think I need to be talked to as if I am so mentally slow that I need an explanation that 5 years old children would find appropriately paced
I’ve always be the one chasing… and this time I’ve hurt twice …..
It’s, unfortunately, what is guys are conditioned by society. The good news is, you can learn and work on yourself.. when you do, the way you see life changes. It’s an amazing feeling. Don’t get down, I was in the same spot. I took the time to learn what I was doing wrong and corrected. Life is amazing now. You can do it too :)
what about if you make the healthiest choice for yourself by walking away and then for months or longer still feel sad and wish you had stayed because the feeling now is worse than how they made you feel with them not valuing you.
A good therapist can help you get to the root of this issue for you ❤
You were true to yourself when you walked away from someone who did not value you. I actually totally get what you are saying though. And it is coming from an insecure attachment style. So then the question is why do we want someone who is not a match and is bad for us...just what the other poster said...this is where we need therapy.
Well then, now it has nothing to do with them. You were using them to fill a wound. And even though it was a terrible fit, it felt batter than having it empty. So obviously it’s not anything they are or are not doing. The problem is yourself. Therapy. Your only path to filling that hole so you can move ahead in life and possibly get better and healthier relationships in the future. Do you even know where the hole is? Because I thought I was a whole person but then suddenly as a relationship shook my foundations I realized I was in fact very empty.
I tried asking help/ advice for my situation, but most of the responses have been negative, insulting and clearly not uplifting ... perhaps you should do some more videos on trying to teach people how not to spread negativity and insults, be kind and thoughtful. I thought your followers would be better than that. I deleted my first question since I realize I won't be getting any help or decent advice here, not your fault Matt.
I will choose myself! 💎🌴❤️📚🚲🥩
Hii Coach, what should I do? I'm dating a girl. We were ok from the beginning, I've been dating her for a month but why did she suddenly change? we didn't fight either
If I can guess, it’s probably because you have come on too strong and may be trying to lock her down. You have to space out seeing her and don’t talk on phone/text too much. Unlike what we are told by society, women’s feeling need to build. If she has pulled back a bit, don’t chase and ask “what did I do wrong”. Just go with the flow and be indifferent to her backing down. Give her space if she needs it. Any other questions, let me know :)
Again, projection. Part of romance. At first, everyone has the potential to be great. Because you don’t know them super well. As you know them better, things come to the surface you don’t like. Behaviors, even physical things like their tone or their breath. Then as the reality catches up to the dream person, everyone must choose whether or not it’s “worth it” to spend more time on a particular relationship. Are the good things better than the annoyances? The other advice is solid. If that’s what’s happening, give them space. Sometimes the space will either allow them to forget what’s annoying, or they will miss your good things so much they become willing to overlook the bad. That’s your only chance to make things better is to give lots of space. And if they don’t come chasing, it means they don’t like you. In which case, move on.
matthew, at this point, owns so many domain 😂
But how to do that
Mr. Matt Hussey, I have to say that I dont like your channel because you say you're the best, or that it is the best thing for me.
What makes me like your channel is the fact that I watched other YT channels like this one , and your words resonated with my ideals.
Thats why I like your channel 😃
you got a new sub
🎉🎉🎉
It is too hard to me to be the waiter in the relationship, and I am the female , I don’t want to do that
The dude in the restaurant is gorgeous
Why would I ‘recommend myself’ to anyone? If said person doesn’t get it, I’m out… next! Sorry, but this message doesn’t quite resonate with the dating world. We are not selling phones here… 😊