Great message for both genders! Not to speak for all men, but it's a huge turn off when women do not show interest. I had to let this girl go not long after I asked her out because she wasn't showing enough interest. The energy and effort was one sided. This "power" ideology is such bs in my opinion. Or "playing it cool" for guys is stupid too. You know what's attractive and cool? Being a genuine, down to earth person that's not afraid to show your true self to anyone.
Please help me understand this. I've been the one to show interest, I text every so often and I've even baked guys cookies. Only to end up with the guy turning super flaky. Its like the minute you show some guys interest, they relax and get comfortable and stop their pursuit all together. So its a fine line. Unfortunately, it makes the girl not want to show how much she likes the guy when he ends up doing this.
I believe this is the right way to date. Courageous vulnerability! Not naive to narcissists and abusers, but willing to wear your heart on your sleeve and be open to love
This is a refreshing video. So much dating advice is based on hiding your feelings to keep your power. The paradox is that dating advice aimed at men advises them exactly the same - "let the woman do the 90% of the pursuing, if they don't it means they never cared anyway, so move on to someone else. " When both genders are hearing this we end up with a convoluted game of courtship where everyone loses. No point keeping all the power if it means living with cats till you die.
At home and at work, I show my appreciation by service and words (at home also gifts and touch), but without neediness. I always give love without asking back. I also say aloud if a standard has been breached: "it made me sad that you didn't want to meet me at all... I feel like I am not a priority to you. It makes me reconsider spending time with you?" Or "The way you talked made me feel disrespected. I don't feel like talking to you that much anymore."
@@nishthagupta1357 is that all you got from this? it literally says both genders should try to mae that first move. men are increasinly courting less. deal with it
But most people today, do not know what their authentic self is, that is why they try to be something other. If you know your true self, the idea to manipulate your behavior is preposterous. But as you say if you do, you do not need to search, they just appear and they love you as you love them
the problem with "playing it cool" is also that if you happen to date someone with an avoidand attachment style you're playing right into their cards. They think you don't want/need that much closeness either and you don't care if they disappear for days in a row while you're quietly suffering, not saying anything because you try to play it cool. I had to learn this the hard way and after this experience, the popular book "attached" goes deeper into this topic and it was such an eye opener for me. I learned that it's perfectly normal to wish for closeness/ a relationship and it doesn't make you needy. So from now on I will go on dates with the same approach as you recommend in this video. Not playing games, showing in baby steps if I'm interested and if they don't reciprocate, move on.
god, I just ended things with a guy with avoidant style with a bit of narcissim.... The only things I would hear from him were ME ME ME, I did this I did that. While I was I FELT THIS, i FELT THAT WAY.
@@luciadozier1267 that’s narcissist actually. Avoidants do care but are afraid of intimacy. they shut down and numb themselves out. I lean towards anxious but i am disorganized attachment so i have both. it sucks cause the thing you want the most you often push it away cause you fear it. avoidants are arnt bad people anxious is also a lot to deal with. Literally anxious is a void they try to fill with relationships but cant because its not enough until they heal. there is bad to both but avoidants make up majority of the dating pool.
Nice video. My five year relationship ended a month ago when the love of my life left me. I can’t stop thinking about him and have tried everything to get him back, but nothing has worked. I’m frustrated and can’t see my life with anyone else. I don’t know why I’m sharing this here, but I really miss him.
It seems the replies talking about the spirit counselor were deleted. Anyway, the wonderful thing about internet anonymity is you can share stuff with people whom you don't see everyday. If you get good advice, great! If the internet stranger is a dick and judges you too harshly... forget them. Here's my take on your situation: You can't force a bird into an empty cage and expect it to be happy. It will fly away first chance it gets. DON'T CHASE. Instead, make a space which is appealing. Let them come to you of their own free will. Part of this (in the emotional sense) is being happy with yourself; being comfortable in your own skin, and with your own presence. In short, trite as it sounds, learn to be enough for yourself. Fill your heart with the things you love. Take up hobbies - not to distract yourself, but to enjoy life. Anyone else who comes along is a happy bird just adding to your beauty. (Sources: Psychology classes, therapy, being a survivor of narcissistic abuse, 20+ years of marriage, and a fair amount of videos like this one.)
I have been here with a few different men. I promise you you can see yourself with another man once enough time passes, you see how much he failed you, and can see how much someone else is willing to add into you
Someone came into my life who was not a match for me at all, and triggered all of these trauma responses. I made a fool of myself but I managed to cut it off before it killed me. It is absolutely true that attraction one day is not attraction on another, and if they are hesitant to commit then that is the sign to reinforce your standards and accept that they're not right for you. I wish I had done mine sooner.
A few weeks ago when I was feeling very anxious about a relationship, I looked up videos about "having more faith in God". I got the best advice ever! All you can do is show them interest, love, and kindness without expectations. If they're not reciprocating then you move on. The key is do it without expectations. If they do come back, well it's really in your court now if you're still interested. I like Matthew's advice, "I moved on because I didn't think you were interested."
Matthew, I hope you realize how many guys are sharing these videos with each other. Everything in your videos resonates with us, too. Been sharing these with friends for weeks now. This is the type of dating advice and influence guys need: advice that helps you develop self-respect while maintaining respect for others
I love this comment, Mathew’s advice is valid for men as much as women, respect and healthy communication is fundamental in every relationship and is genderless. Thank you and keep sharing !
I hope more men receive healthy messaging. The game playing needs to end. Our world is suffering from a lack of authentic connection and relationship building. It’s sad.
I am not afraid to let the person know in the beginning. It sets the tone for the relationship. If you hold back and wait…you may never get the love you crave.
This was so timely for me. Point 4. “Be afraid of keeping someone who isn’t a match for us around”(9:40) and being grounded knowing you are enough and everything in your life will be ok in the end whether this person is in or out of you life are foundational to quality of life.
Funny thing. The Barbie movie showed me I was “enough”. My whole life I felt like nothing but a wallet for woman. And I was never good “enough”. I need more money, a bigger house .etc.
I started listening to Matthew Hussey in 2013. Since then I've had two relationships full of love that lasted over three years. I dated in-between and learnt to enjoy the many stages of dating regardless of whether the initial sparks have turned into something long term or not. Matthew's advice has been a guiding light in what can be an unpredictable time and I'd recommend reading his book - How to get the guy. Which really should be called: How to keep the massive line of dudes at your door respecting your boundaries.
if a women doesn't express attraction to me, I'm not attracted to her. Playing hard to want is the biggest red flag there is. If I'm not option one, I'm not an option.
I think it's a great thing to meditate before going on dates you get out of your head and into your heart it also allows you to be in the moment of what you are doing and just have fun 🥰
Yes! I love doing it too before every appointment :) my nervousness goes away and even silence is comfortable. I can be a better listener and talk more from my heart.
I decided in my 30s to be who I am unapologetically , an its either you accept me or you don't no games just straight up telling the truth and say what's really on my mind no matters who am with or whose standing in front of but not be a jerk in the process.. Am now 61 am bald tattooed and both ears are pierced an it worked wonders because its who I really am without the fear of rejection and whatever happens am ok with it when it comes all women relationship or not !! An its about living a whole life and being a whole person without worrying about how people will or won't perceive me !!
Nowadays people are just weird and I think alot of ppl are afraid of getting hurt, due to past experiences. But it’s a lot of narcissists out here and it’s scary. I don’t think anyone should have to chase. The feelings should be mutual if it’s meant to be. I think sometimes ppl show interest for the moment and then pulls away for various of reasons. When someone pulls away from me, I usually let them go..It could be Gods protection, so I don’t chase someone that’s not meant for me.
it's strange on one hand; it's like you have to be empathetic and go at their pace on the other hand it's like a fine line between empathy and also is this person making excuses
Timely video. I ended a relationship a couple of days ago for a lot of reasons, but one of them was that we were incompatible as far as affection. I'm affectionate; he's not. The imbalance would be easy to misinterpret as rejection when it was just incompatibility. Unfortunately, I stuck it out too long, and now that it's over, I am grieving much more than I would have if I had ended it in the beginning!
This is good advice. One of my problems is if guys come in too hot, like seeming to be really into me and it’s the only the first or second date I start to be afraid it’s not me but the idea of having a girlfriend, or they are really into *me* but I’m not as interested yet, but I like them as a person, I get spooked because I feel guilty that I’m not there yet.
I'm a hopeless romantic Still at 33 with 6 degrees, 4 books, a home, career, and I'm very compassionate and sincere with people I like. Most guys I meet tend to just confuse physical affection with emotional intimacy
It’s seems to me like you’re basing your value off of your career, assets, and achievements. Frankly most guys don’t really care about these things as much as you might think.
@gabrielsainz4179 i base myself on the trails I had to develop to get there. Like tenacity, emotional intelligence, sincerity. I tend to just get sexualized by men, they are more interested in getting to know my body, and I'm interested in their mind. How do you define yourself?
@@shamirk.g.864fortunately or unfortunately, we're both mind and body, flesh and thought. Impossible to separate the two. Ideally, you find someone who desires your body, beauty, and yet once that release is achieved sticks around to explore the mind, the thought, the emotion
I have a feeling you place yourself above most men and probably condescending so any ideas they share or elaborate on are belittled by you. So then they say well "she's not pleasant, but she's got ass"
@gabrielsainz4179 that's what you mean don't undeserved it's not the degree you should admire it's the quality and character of the woman to get that degree which should be what you are looking at. Thought men were logical
Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without him. Despite attempts to purge him from my mind, I remain haunted by his absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
I rarely comment on TH-cam videos, but this one spoke to me so strongly. I have anxiety about coming on as strong as I do. I'm a very affectionate guy, and I like showing that affection. I've found there have been some conversations I've had with women I've been with that indicates they feel my anxiety over "Should I have said that yet?" or "Should I kiss her yet?" And that has caused them to think I don't trust them. I now realize it's not that I don't trust them per se, but rather I'm letting my fear of pushing someone away that I'm ironically driving them away anyways. Thank you for this video so much.
What a timing! This morning I decided to screw my anxiety of getting hurt, because that is the exact reason I chase men away...every Person is different and deserves a fresh start, a chance without being mistrusted because of previous bad experiences. We need to start being vulnerable again, without that we're only left with fake relationships wih two pretenders...😢
Matthew - I have struggled all my life with needing to be in a relationship. Needing to be loved, needing to be wanted. But - until recently I had no idea that this was an anxiety, a fear, a natural response in brain triggered by my inner child screaming to not be abandoned, to not be discarded. Your videos have quite literally opened an entire new world for me to explore. The world of self-love and exploration. Where I am free to understand and accept these feelings and fears as what they are, anxiety rooted from abandonment and trauma. Knowing this has transformed my mind in a way that is unexplainable with language. Thank you, so much. Thank you for reminding me that it is okay to learn to love myself, it is okay to let someone WALK AWAY because that person is not the one who gets to decide my worth. I am. I am so grateful for these videos and even more so that they are free or I may never have unlocked this new understanding.
This video made me cry a little. Because when you essentially asked if we can be self fulfilled to walk away when our standards are not met but being vulnerable first…that´s when I realised I have achieved it. It took me so long to accept myself. It took me double as long to love myself. And even longer to realise I wont scare people away when I address what´s important to me, or better said, that the right person would stay. They never did, so it was never the right one for me. I held back my standard of wanting a long term relationship and not only a short fling because „it would scare them away and if they only got to know me better, they would want something long term.“ WRONG. With that attitude, I didnt even select people who were in the same life stage as me to move forward a step. Intention can be a deal breaker as much as compatibility can be. Watching your video was like me speaking reciting all the life lessons I had to learn the hard way this year. You are a very smart and empathetic man, Matthew. I promised to myself I wont hold back the truth to others anymore, and not lie to myself anymore. I know what I want, more than ever, and it´s really freeing. I can say that I love myself, say that I trust the universe that there is my person out there that I will not find if I compromise my personality and intentions. I am on the right path and it feels so good. I can be on my own, be secure within myself and never need anyone to be happy. I am at piece with myself, finally. After every break up Íve always felt worse and repeated toxic believes about myself in my head. But after the last dating stage ended with a guy because I said I wanted something longterm and he didnt, I felt better afterwards. It hurt because I liked him as a person, but there was not the slightest spark of feeling insecure about it. Quite the opposite, I felt empowered. Empowered that I spoke my truth, that I was able to not build emotional walls or indifference although I got disappointed many times. Empowered that I now know how to preselect better, stand up for my values and not talk myself down for things out of my control. This is real freedom. Thank you.
This perspective of standards being where your ultimate power lies, not indifference, has caused a bit of a paradigm shift in my approach to dating and romantic relationships. It's something I've vaguely felt before but just couldn't put my finger on it. Now it's locked in and has honestly changed everything and completely freed me up to not be "afraid" of being vulnerable and affectionate. More true to who I am and what I feel. To be confident and therefore more authentic. Which makes the other person be able to know and trust me more. Because I do. This is straight 🔥
Uh no. People grow up in different environments and backgrounds. If you have to worry about someone it means grow the heck up and learn how to empathize with others.
@@StevoSparta-tt5vuIf you're not able to be yourself around the person, you're going to feel restrained during the whole relationship. There's being considerate, and then there's not being true to one's self.
I used to be fine on my own. I met someone I was ultimately going to marry, and I became anxious. I knew my life would be so much grayer if he wasn't in it. It created a feeling of neediness inside me if things weren't going as well as they should or how I can make my relationship even better. Some of us are great by ourselves and then we meet someone who we spend years with and suddenly realize if we lost them, we would lose this companionship that lights up our life. Our comfort after a rough day. Being alone for years is okay, but we're designed to partner, mostly. When he left my life it really did break pieces of my soul. I was afraid of that. I am not sure that it can realistically just be a "im secure whether or not you are in my life, if you leave then cool, I'm fine.' You create your life with another person. You share a home, a bed, friends, family, your deepest feelings and build dreams with someone else. Yes, you should have your own friends and your own hobbies etc. That's surface level of living. How can you really give your heart to someone else and then ultimately be okay when they walk away? Too simplistic for someone who feels deeply.
Whats I've learned is that you don't give your heart to people and things. You give your heart to God, which is and endless stable love. When the center of your heart is God, everything else falls into place. You don't become as much needy. Because you know God will take care of your heart and life. Even if it hurts, you'll know that it's okay and therell be some sense of peace and safety.
It doesn’t mean you would immediately be ok the instant a long term relationship ends. Obviously not. It means 1) don’t put too much expectation on someone you just met and 2) if you “lose” someone, you SHOULD be ok in reasonable time. That time is obviously individual and varies by the seriousness of the relationship. Eg, if you just met someone and have only started to flirt / date, you better be ok without them. If you were with someone for years and it ends, well then it will take more time but a healthy person can still function and will gradually become ok again without them. Knowing this makes your life better and makes you better in relationships.
Awesome and VERY important video that should be listened to over and over again like a mantra specifically by people with anxious attachment style tendency.
Thank you Matt, this video is my confirmation that my actions were correct! I was interested in a man and it seemed he was interested in me. Our first conversation was good, I thought. We spoke longer than anticipated, but it was a good vibe. So I asked for his number, he gave it willingly. So, I reached out to make the first move. He responded, vaguely. I tried again two more times. His last response was " it could be a possibility " that we could meet and get to know each other better. I said great and told him to name the time and place and let me know, because I wanted him to be more active in taking initiative. I also added, jokingly, "don't keep me waiting for too long". Well..... It's been two weeks since that text. No contact since. Only the occasional" hi" or wave at the gym. So after watching this video, I'm going to focus my energy somewhere else. I'm a little bummed about it, but I don't chase. And I won't wait around while he figures it out. I need someone that will match my energy, morals and values. I been through way too much in my life to waste my time. So again, I Thank you!! Aloha🌺
I’ve been wanting to date again after a long period of therapy, self-work, and healing, but really afraid to, this has helped. Especially self-trust. Thank you got this
Is this video for women? Honestly, 1 solid piece of advice... Women, stop playing games! Be sweet to the guy you like, touch his arm, ask him things he wants to talk about, have open and welcoming body language. BUT, do not give yourself till a month after the first kiss. As this will usually kill chances to form a healthy LTR. There's a lot of terrible advice going around. Things like 'don't text back too quickly', 'don't be too keen', 'make him do everything'. All of these things signal you're not interested and most self respecting guys will be put off by this behaviour.
This is such a great video. A guy I was seeing ended things with me a month ago due to not feeling that “spark” or not much chemistry. His reason was once I let my guard down, i.e being vulnerable that I liked him and wanted to see where it could go because I gave him that green light. But wasn’t reciprocated. A lot of the points Matthew pointed out makes me look at the situation at a different perspective. Thanks Matthew! ❤️
The title is so misleading, I clicked on the video thinking I would watch some shallow formula on how to get someone to chase me, but instead the content is very deep and meaningful, talking about self esteem, standards and anxiety, great video, people would benefit a lot from watching and listening to what you have to say, I bet they do.
"Sometimes we're so afraid of scaring someone off that we don't even give them the encouragement to actually try with us." hits the nail seriously hard. My situation with a guy is rather complicated as we are both incredibly shy. The main problem is that I don't want to seem too obsessive or scare him away, rightfully as I am actually really chose with his mother. But yeah, I should ask him more questions, I should try to sit next to him if I accidentally put myself in a situation that he cannot sit next to me. And these are really great tips for flirting that even if he isn't actually interested in me that way, this is just confident flirting that can be excused as friendliness at the end of the day (which is a good thing if it fails, and a good thing if it succeeds). If none of us step it up, we're not going to get anywhere.
Wow I feel you. I have a similar situation I could’ve written this comment haha. Since the video, have you tried showing more interest ? I want to but I’m scared
@@Em-fz5uhI am legit in this same situation. We hit it off from the very beginning. Whenever we were in the same situation (hard to explain) I’d always go up to him or sit next to him and ask what’s up. Just check in. Until I got in my head and started thinking I was too obsessive or desperate. Also, I was sort of getting mixed signals, like is he flirting or just being friendly. I feel like if a guy likes you you should know and no games. Anyways I convinced myself that I was going to completely stop flirting and instead let him make moves (ball in his court). Anyways, I’ve learned ignoring isn’t the answer through this video. I’m fine without him so I’ll just go for it! You too!
@@trubb1e me in the same situation damn.and one day when my friends told him I was hanging out with another guy,which in reality isn't.he asked whether I was hanging out and I said no,he just said that he was casually asking.but he was literally angry and jealous that day omg I have never seen him like that.i asked him why are you stressed about my relations and he said he asked it casually.mixed signals.
Yo, number 2 A Snapshot in Time, where you talk about showing interest but if it isn’t reciprocated to point that effort somewhere else and not let it take away any power is on point!
Mathew. Love your tips and videos. Thank you. In my opinion if you can't be yourself and show up as your true self, it's not worth it. It's not worth learning and manipulating yourself for anyone. Relationships should enrich your life not fatigue you. Even constantly thinking of your next move is very stressful.
I’m low key afraid of dating someone that also watches this videos, and has the same issues like me. Then we both reacting the same way to everything, then we are heartbroken and come back to this videos again ❤😂
Hey Matthew, just wanted to thank you for helping me understand how to communicate standards, not only in dating and personal relationships but also in my work life. I used to get very anxious about articulating my needs and was very unhappy in lots of crappy relationships… it took a toll on me on many degrees! But now I can say How you say them is key. Thanks!!
Wow, what a fresh breath of air. I have been in a funk, I am at a place where I was in need of what you are talking about and explaining it. I could not find anyone who would break it down like you do and give me understanding. I am going to keep watching you, thank you.
17:00 - I'm mostly healed from this, and told my parents that I'm grateful for our journey, and that I'm my own whole person and recognise that I'm always sovereign. ❤
I have learned that being happy on my own and loving my own company, but being interested in someone are two different things that are equally necessary. It's quite liberating.
I really like the advice you give. I feel it gets to the heart of the matter in a concise way that is relatable. Around the 12:00 mark is where you are spot on. The "standards" you have will hopefully navigate you in the right direction. This works ladies.... you have to believe in your self-worth and have a price on your head. I've been in a cat-mouse game with a man who initiated, got closer, only for him to "disappear" every time we were getting closer to connecting. I decided he wasn't up to the standards I need which is basic courtesy and not leave someone you like confused and unclear. With my new mindset, it automatically changed my behavior around him to one of a casual friend and not one of pursuit. Game changer. Now he's coming around, but it's given me too much time to think that this is what it took and my actions were natural and not contrived or planned. I don't need, but most importantly, don't want to play this game. I gained my self-esteem back which was my personal power. It was a wake up call and I feel so much better and in control of my feelings and life!
I'm completely in love with your videos Matthew. I used to be this "cool girl", not demanding anything but wanting it all....and feeling pretty miserable for that. Now, it's been a while since I started to love myself more, to value myself and to show what I feel and what I want, no matter what... I mean, my feelings are mine. I deny to be ashamed of them. Thank you for your knowledge and for sharing it with us in such a easy way. Have a beautiful day and a week🙏🏼❤️
Man, you'r such an inspiration, everything You Say direct's people to realice their own quality and to have self love.... Please, keep up the good work.
I love watching your videos again and again to remind myself. It always gets me in check if I start to feel more for a person I know. If I don't feel the same of what I invested, I start to move away slowly. Your videos always give me the motivation to do it. Thank you Matthew ❤
I detest going to a party with someone who talks to everyone in the room and acts like I am not even there. You then tell them this and they accuse you of being needy.
Matthew, you’re amazing because all this talk is things that many of us have nobody to talk to about. All of your work leads to not just happier dates, but a happier society. Thank you!
This is SO funny to hear this about physical affection! I'm old now but I've always enjoyed both physical affection and intimacy with a partner - my entire life! - but when I picked someone to marry, I chose the one person who did NOT enjoy those things very much at all! I'd just become a Christian, "reformed my wicked ways", & felt that I should strive to match his modesty & reserve. What a mistake that was! It was a short marriage. I'm still a Christian, but I hug who I want to hug (with their consent of course). But perhaps absurdly, I now have a much higher bar for intimacy than I had 30 years ago. Which has meant that in one way, I've been "alone" for over 12 years, but in another way, has allowed me to have many friends of all types & ages, & to talk openly with them about my thoughts & feelings, without focussing on them exclusively as a means to achieving physical intimacy.
Now that i have worked on myself i don't want to lose myself in my relationship that was my old pattern and I also think space is so healthy in a relationship I think it's good to miss each because its so exciting when you come back together and still make time for dates no matter how long you have been together being grateful for each other and appreciating what your partner does invest and then test great advice thank you ❤
This was so good! I appreciated how you talked about attachment and got on a psychologically deep level. Personal work is so important to heal the negative patterns we get into, very true!
I sooo needed this information.. just saw him on Drew Berry show.. excellent advice. I met this guy that says he’s single.. but moves like he’s not. He’s already not keeping his word with simple things.. like I’m going to call you back”. Then doesn’t call back.. too many of those is enough for me.. more than likely he’s like this in other areas. I love myself and my peace.. he can keep it moving 😂❤
I saw the show also and their cozy conversation was very enlightening! I was laughing when Drew was admitting she had "phantom relationships" in her head. 😂 Then I realized... OMG I've done that! 😜🤣
@@4EverGr8ful1 ikr!! I love her.. when she started crying about not protecting her peace.. I cried too.. bc I just started protecting and putting my peace first. I’ve always like Drew
'our needs for affection, for connection for proximity aren't the same as neediness' Wow thank you for clarifying that and describing that. So simple yet I never knew the difference and that's opened my eyes. That's very freeing as well to know the line between needs and neediness, because now I can be okay with my needs and accept and learn if someone confronts me about being needy. Thank you :)
This is brilliant!! It's like matching the other person's energy.. you put out and if it's not reciprocated, you pull back next time... this way, you always remain in control and then decide if you want to keep it moving.
Amazing advice. The best MH video ever. Has given me freedom to express myself and understand that if it’s not matched then I can move on. Thank you Matthew❤
I love this. I would like to give my opinion though and state something (or at least reiterate a specific message you have spoken about that often gets overlooked), your energy being pulled away and redirected comes after clear communication (not demands) of showing vulnerability of showing interest and it not being reciprocated. I think this is the biggest takeaway from this. And many misunderstand this aspect. Wonderful video ❤
At this point - I've watched so many of Matts videos for years now, that I have a little Matt voice in my head. There's like a little control center in my brain, like a space station, filled with tons of tiny Matts, watching my life on a giant screen, giving me cataloged advice and yelling code red or abort mission when needed. Thanks tiny Matts for keeping me in line
This perspective of standards being where your ultimate power lies, not indifference, has caused a bit of a paradigm shift in my approach to dating and romantic relationships. It's something I've vaguely felt before but just couldn't put my finger on it. Now it's locked in and has honestly changed everything and completely freed me up to not be "afraid" of being vulnerable and affectionate. More true to who I am and what I feel. To be confident and therefore more authentic. Which makes the other person be able to know and trust me more. Because I do. This is straight
Every single thing you say rings true as Truth. If only I had been raised by a father with your wisdom!- but now I can begin applying it in every relationship I have and with everyone I encounter. Thank you so much!
This video came as pure gold in the precise moment! I am getting along with a girl from Japan, she’s very caring and affectionate in her own way (in Japan you need to figure out messages between lines) however, she is not a typical Japanese girl, so today we opened up about how we feel for each other. The conclusion, the best feeling because we both knew where we are going and I know this girl likes me back. I’m visiting her to Japan in July, we’ll see if we then spend new year in my country, Mexico. Thanks for the good advise, being open, consistent and intentional with the right person will bring nothing but clarity and peace of mind to invest emotionally in the relationship or simply walk away ❤
Your wisdom is priceless. Gestures are important-buying the popcorn indicates thoughtfulness and consideration. This also applies to friendship and family-it’s not about the money, but reciprocity and investing energy
Good morning Matt. It's hard sometimes to overcome my emotions bec of the past that always replays in front of me and I can't change it. Ppl still comes back into my life while I know for sure it's over and there is no way to get back to my x relationships. I appreciate your work and support that helped me during the time I need someone to give me positive energy again. 🌼💜
Its funny I always catch your videos when I didnt even know I need it. :D You make me sane and you voice out what I have always known before. I just "shut it down" because of fear of losing the guy You and this video validated my inner voice that told me "Your fine. Your standards are simple and doable. They cant provide it? there re other things worth your/our time. Do that instead." Thank you Mr. Hussey for making me realize the obvious tht I just shut down
Brother! I wanted you to know that you were a spark in my darkest days and I always remember that video about heartbreak. It transformed me❤ Thank you! Much love!
I did exactly what you said with my potential date, we met at the library for the first time, then later 2 dates getting cancelled, I liked the potential very much, but I can‘t keep asking, I want reciprocity and affection, and I‘m standing behind this. If she comes back she knows, if she doesn‘t it‘s ok.
Wow, this is such a logical video. I love that you talked about standards. That exact scenario was happening to me and then I came across this video by chance. I pulled back and I just liked the person a lot less and I felt free and fine again. I feel as if the person will come crawling back as they always do and if they do, I would want to hold them accountable for their actions and the way I can do that, is to remember what my standards are. And that there are other people out there who could potentially meet these basic standards. I don't like the idea of playing games but I'm such a genuine person, that it could be easy for me to get hurt and I also don't want to be detached and never feel anything because I don't think that's a good idea either. Having standards and enforcing them allows you to show genuine interest and see whether the person can match it. And if they can't, I just can't like them in the same way.
Thank you for this. I knew this guy for a long time and we decided that we like each other and we should start dating and see if we can start a relationship. After 3 days of effort and presence, he started being busy all the time, even on his days off, and responding after hours or even "forgetting" to text back. I told him twice I need to feel like I am a priotity to him. He would apologize, change one day then do it again. I got tired of being anxious and trying to play games to win him. I just ended it. I didnt feel liked enough
I've been following Matthew since 2017 and his advice has led me to some incredible relationships and experiences. I'm eternally grateful for that. Thank you Matt. Cheers 🥂
Great advice on keeping on expressing the “small” things to keep them interested in more. This could be applied to hold interest with anyone. Romance. Friends. Business relationships.
Important point in this. Make sure to communicate during this process, otherwise 2 people doing this can end up in a feedback loop over a misunderstanding or accident.
You have to choose to be happy on your own its a choice ❤️ and trust is the standard I have for my relationship and you can't trust that no one's going to hurt you you just have to trust that you'll be able to handle it if they do it builds you to trust yourself on so many levels this is amazing advice thank you and really appreciate your video thank you so much 🥰
This video is a true and profound game changer for me!! Your information opens not only so many more doors for me - it opens me up to be my most powerful self in dating. ❤
That was my old pattern I chased love I needed somebody to love me for me to love myself I was so scared to be alone what I didn't understand was i had an abandonment wound i needed to heal abandonment is just a fear of someone leaving its a limiting belief and because what I experienced as a child i took it on and internalized it I'm loved and loving I'm enough I'm important I am amazing I am confident I'm beautiful I can be alone I'm not scared anymore because being alone and feeling alone are two different things now i know no one can abandon me because I'm not going to abandon myself I have compassion for my child self and understand that my parents did the best they could with the tools they had at the time and I see them for who they are not what they did and knowing i can make better choices to help my kids learn and grow because what I went through I can learn from and hopefully help others now i don't Chase love love comes to me because its inside me what we seek in a relationship we can give to ourselves becoming self-aware and knowing what yourself needs and how to give it to yourself and knowing if I get triggered that's something I need to work on just getting to the root cause of what triggered you and why because you have to feel it to heal and then you can let it go ❤
3:57, I have so much fear of being seen as needy, that im an Ice Block even when I know she likes me. I ignore her hints and play impossible to get because of the fear of neediness. I have got an neediness neurosis😁
This is really good. The distinction between indifference and a standard... 🤯 as it relates to holding on to power... let your guard 💂♀️ down , have a standard. It’s brilliant. 🚑. 🚒. 🚛. 🚚. You get to decide who to let in your vehicles 🛻 it will be fun 🏍🚲.
I was just explaining the need for the new man in my life. I explained that I need him bc he enhances my life and supports me unconditionally but I don’t need him bc I need him to make me happy. One’s happiness depends on the individual themselves. If you can’t make yourself happy then no one and nothing will make you happy. I’ve always been “I don’t need anyone, I got myself” type of person and this feels so good to meet someone where I feel vulnerable yet secure to need them in the best possible way. I’m in love and it doesn’t feel scary for the first time I actually feel safe, comfortable, secure, supported by my partner.
The fact that nobody talks about the forbidden book Flirtosphere Seduction on Vexoner speaks volumes about how people are stuck in a trance
Great message for both genders! Not to speak for all men, but it's a huge turn off when women do not show interest. I had to let this girl go not long after I asked her out because she wasn't showing enough interest. The energy and effort was one sided. This "power" ideology is such bs in my opinion. Or "playing it cool" for guys is stupid too. You know what's attractive and cool? Being a genuine, down to earth person that's not afraid to show your true self to anyone.
Well said!
Not many appreciate that this days. I am my true self all the time. Maybe that is the reason a lot of good ones are singles.
Please help me understand this. I've been the one to show interest, I text every so often and I've even baked guys cookies. Only to end up with the guy turning super flaky. Its like the minute you show some guys interest, they relax and get comfortable and stop their pursuit all together. So its a fine line. Unfortunately, it makes the girl not want to show how much she likes the guy when he ends up doing this.
If he doesn’t try to get her to to bed the first few dates, then all good
@kimberlys347 cookies are the way to my heart 😂. I'm so sorry that happened to you. You sound like a very sweet girl.
I spilled my guts to my ex but was rejected. I was just happy to be authentic and now I can let him go. Never felt more myself.
Love to hear that, I’ve laid it out for myself as well and really felt like I respected myself
I believe this is the right way to date. Courageous vulnerability! Not naive to narcissists and abusers, but willing to wear your heart on your sleeve and be open to love
This is a refreshing video.
So much dating advice is based on hiding your feelings to keep your power.
The paradox is that dating advice aimed at men advises them exactly the same - "let the woman do the 90% of the pursuing, if they don't it means they never cared anyway, so move on to someone else. "
When both genders are hearing this we end up with a convoluted game of courtship where everyone loses. No point keeping all the power if it means living with cats till you die.
Yes it is outdated, since both gender do the same and it doesn't work anymore.
Exactly. Men should court in my opinion
At home and at work, I show my appreciation by service and words (at home also gifts and touch), but without neediness. I always give love without asking back.
I also say aloud if a standard has been breached: "it made me sad that you didn't want to meet me at all... I feel like I am not a priority to you. It makes me reconsider spending time with you?" Or
"The way you talked made me feel disrespected. I don't feel like talking to you that much anymore."
@@nishthagupta1357 ....and women reciprocate
@@nishthagupta1357 is that all you got from this? it literally says both genders should try to mae that first move. men are increasinly courting less. deal with it
Being authentic - showing ourselves as we are, that really gets us close to those that are a true match!
so true! ❤
It also give people way to manipulate you.
@@preets1212 It depends... if your mind is sharp, your perceptions clear, then not really...you can spot the manipulative intention behind any words.
@@dianareyes3043 Thank you for the encouragement! 🤗
But most people today, do not know what their authentic self is, that is why they try to be something other. If you know your true self, the idea to manipulate your behavior is preposterous. But as you say if you do, you do not need to search, they just appear and they love you as you love them
the problem with "playing it cool" is also that if you happen to date someone with an avoidand attachment style you're playing right into their cards. They think you don't want/need that much closeness either and you don't care if they disappear for days in a row while you're quietly suffering, not saying anything because you try to play it cool. I had to learn this the hard way and after this experience, the popular book "attached" goes deeper into this topic and it was such an eye opener for me. I learned that it's perfectly normal to wish for closeness/ a relationship and it doesn't make you needy. So from now on I will go on dates with the same approach as you recommend in this video. Not playing games, showing in baby steps if I'm interested and if they don't reciprocate, move on.
god, I just ended things with a guy with avoidant style with a bit of narcissim.... The only things I would hear from him were ME ME ME, I did this I did that. While I was I FELT THIS, i FELT THAT WAY.
Exactly. You have to be honest with your feelings if you want true love❤
Avoidants don't care what you feel. Playing it cool or not, it's all about them.
@@luciadozier1267 that’s narcissist actually. Avoidants do care but are afraid of intimacy. they shut down and numb themselves out. I lean towards anxious but i am disorganized attachment so i have both. it sucks cause the thing you want the most you often push it away cause you fear it. avoidants are arnt bad people anxious is also a lot to deal with. Literally anxious is a void they try to fill with relationships but cant because its not enough until they heal. there is bad to both but avoidants make up majority of the dating pool.
@@yoharyscalixto1528I disagree about anxious being void. Avoidant and narcissists are usually void, they get your validation and move on
Nice video. My five year relationship ended a month ago when the love of my life left me. I can’t stop thinking about him and have tried everything to get him back, but nothing has worked. I’m frustrated and can’t see my life with anyone else. I don’t know why I’m sharing this here, but I really miss him.
Amazing! How did you find the spiritual counselor, and how can I reach one?
Thank you for the information I just looked him up. Impressive!"
Nothing wrong with missing him. Maybe you two grew apart.
It seems the replies talking about the spirit counselor were deleted.
Anyway, the wonderful thing about internet anonymity is you can share stuff with people whom you don't see everyday. If you get good advice, great! If the internet stranger is a dick and judges you too harshly... forget them.
Here's my take on your situation: You can't force a bird into an empty cage and expect it to be happy. It will fly away first chance it gets. DON'T CHASE. Instead, make a space which is appealing. Let them come to you of their own free will.
Part of this (in the emotional sense) is being happy with yourself; being comfortable in your own skin, and with your own presence.
In short, trite as it sounds, learn to be enough for yourself. Fill your heart with the things you love. Take up hobbies - not to distract yourself, but to enjoy life. Anyone else who comes along is a happy bird just adding to your beauty.
(Sources: Psychology classes, therapy, being a survivor of narcissistic abuse, 20+ years of marriage, and a fair amount of videos like this one.)
I have been here with a few different men. I promise you you can see yourself with another man once enough time passes, you see how much he failed you, and can see how much someone else is willing to add into you
Nobody’s fault if it doesn’t work out, we just move on.
Someone came into my life who was not a match for me at all, and triggered all of these trauma responses. I made a fool of myself but I managed to cut it off before it killed me. It is absolutely true that attraction one day is not attraction on another, and if they are hesitant to commit then that is the sign to reinforce your standards and accept that they're not right for you. I wish I had done mine sooner.
A few weeks ago when I was feeling very anxious about a relationship, I looked up videos about "having more faith in God". I got the best advice ever! All you can do is show them interest, love, and kindness without expectations. If they're not reciprocating then you move on. The key is do it without expectations. If they do come back, well it's really in your court now if you're still interested. I like Matthew's advice, "I moved on because I didn't think you were interested."
that's exactly how I do it. Full confidence vibe, no game, direct but calm. A calmy charming pure caribbean vibe.
You are a poetic soul, aren’t u!❤
Matthew, I hope you realize how many guys are sharing these videos with each other. Everything in your videos resonates with us, too. Been sharing these with friends for weeks now. This is the type of dating advice and influence guys need: advice that helps you develop self-respect while maintaining respect for others
+1 to this!
I love this comment, Mathew’s advice is valid for men as much as women, respect and healthy communication is fundamental in every relationship and is genderless. Thank you and keep sharing !
Love this!❤
❤❤❤❤
I hope more men receive healthy messaging. The game playing needs to end. Our world is suffering from a lack of authentic connection and relationship building. It’s sad.
"I've scared away someone who isn't compatible with me" i love this ❤ !!!!
I am not afraid to let the person know in the beginning. It sets the tone for the relationship. If you hold back and wait…you may never get the love you crave.
This was so timely for me. Point 4. “Be afraid of keeping someone who isn’t a match for us around”(9:40) and being grounded knowing you are enough and everything in your life will be ok in the end whether this person is in or out of you life are foundational to quality of life.
Okay, so does this mean girls will finally start approaching men and make it the norm?
I hate the saying you are enough . it's seems kind and well pit allot of people shouldn't date and need to address problems.
Funny thing. The Barbie movie showed me I was “enough”. My whole life I felt like nothing but a wallet for woman. And I was never good “enough”. I need more money, a bigger house .etc.
SO IMPORTANT ❤
That one hit me as well.
I started listening to Matthew Hussey in 2013. Since then I've had two relationships full of love that lasted over three years. I dated in-between and learnt to enjoy the many stages of dating regardless of whether the initial sparks have turned into something long term or not. Matthew's advice has been a guiding light in what can be an unpredictable time and I'd recommend reading his book - How to get the guy. Which really should be called: How to keep the massive line of dudes at your door respecting your boundaries.
Thanks for sharing. I just found out his channel
if a women doesn't express attraction to me, I'm not attracted to her.
Playing hard to want is the biggest red flag there is.
If I'm not option one, I'm not an option.
Or maybe they are just not into you?
@@The09la09well, then he’s even more right in acting as he is. What’s even your point here?
I think it's a great thing to meditate before going on dates you get out of your head and into your heart it also allows you to be in the moment of what you are doing and just have fun 🥰
Yes! great advice ❤
or you know just have a couple drinks at the startof the date
Yes! I love doing it too before every appointment :) my nervousness goes away and even silence is comfortable. I can be a better listener and talk more from my heart.
I had a friend at work say "It isn't a question of do they like me, it's do I like them"? That really changed my perspective.
"Dont feel bad for anyone" is such a backwards concept for me but is so liberating when it clicks.
I decided in my 30s to be who I am unapologetically , an its either you accept me or you don't no games just straight up telling the truth and say what's really on my mind no matters who am with or whose standing in front of but not be a jerk in the process.. Am now 61 am bald tattooed and both ears are pierced an it worked wonders because its who I really am without the fear of rejection and whatever happens am ok with it when it comes all women relationship or not !! An its about living a whole life and being a whole person without worrying about how people will or won't perceive me !!
Nowadays people are just weird and I think alot of ppl are afraid of getting hurt, due to past experiences. But it’s a lot of narcissists out here and it’s scary. I don’t think anyone should have to chase. The feelings should be mutual if it’s meant to be. I think sometimes ppl show interest for the moment and then pulls away for various of reasons. When someone pulls away from me, I usually let them go..It could be Gods protection, so I don’t chase someone that’s not meant for me.
Well said👏
As a woman, you should not be chasing any man. the egg that’s not Chase the sperm.
I'm literally in this position now, and I've just accepted that I'm not welcome in his space the way it was before so now, I am letting go
@@IVvOOvVI
it's strange on one hand; it's like you have to be empathetic and go at their pace on the other hand it's like a fine line between empathy and also is this person making excuses
Timely video. I ended a relationship a couple of days ago for a lot of reasons, but one of them was that we were incompatible as far as affection. I'm affectionate; he's not. The imbalance would be easy to misinterpret as rejection when it was just incompatibility. Unfortunately, I stuck it out too long, and now that it's over, I am grieving much more than I would have if I had ended it in the beginning!
Good looks or resources doesn’t mean affectionate. Affectionate means affectionate. People make simple things complicated
What you see during dating is how that person will behave as a boyfriend and as a husband.
@@-Clarence- that’s actually pretty deep. So simple but very true
Good for you for choosing you instead of trying to change that person !
@@sherriflemming3218agreed!
When a guy "tries too hard" its called needy or clingy.
I really wish we could all just be honest with ourselves and each other.
Yeah like if you genuinely like someone, you win them over by not giving a shit. Makes no sense to me.
This is good advice. One of my problems is if guys come in too hot, like seeming to be really into me and it’s the only the first or second date I start to be afraid it’s not me but the idea of having a girlfriend, or they are really into *me* but I’m not as interested yet, but I like them as a person, I get spooked because I feel guilty that I’m not there yet.
The fact that interest can fluctuate is very helpful and that’s ok. You don’t need to be analyzing every fluctuation. Just like emotional health.
I'm a hopeless romantic Still at 33 with 6 degrees, 4 books, a home, career, and I'm very compassionate and sincere with people I like. Most guys I meet tend to just confuse physical affection with emotional intimacy
It’s seems to me like you’re basing your value off of your career, assets, and achievements. Frankly most guys don’t really care about these things as much as you might think.
@gabrielsainz4179 i base myself on the trails I had to develop to get there. Like tenacity, emotional intelligence, sincerity. I tend to just get sexualized by men, they are more interested in getting to know my body, and I'm interested in their mind. How do you define yourself?
@@shamirk.g.864fortunately or unfortunately, we're both mind and body, flesh and thought. Impossible to separate the two. Ideally, you find someone who desires your body, beauty, and yet once that release is achieved sticks around to explore the mind, the thought, the emotion
I have a feeling you place yourself above most men and probably condescending so any ideas they share or elaborate on are belittled by you.
So then they say well "she's not pleasant, but she's got ass"
@gabrielsainz4179 that's what you mean don't undeserved it's not the degree you should admire it's the quality and character of the woman to get that degree which should be what you are looking at. Thought men were logical
I did my part. I expressed my interest, extended my patience, and was honest entire time. I think it's up to him now.
Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without him. Despite attempts to purge him from my mind, I remain haunted by his absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
I rarely comment on TH-cam videos, but this one spoke to me so strongly. I have anxiety about coming on as strong as I do. I'm a very affectionate guy, and I like showing that affection. I've found there have been some conversations I've had with women I've been with that indicates they feel my anxiety over "Should I have said that yet?" or "Should I kiss her yet?" And that has caused them to think I don't trust them. I now realize it's not that I don't trust them per se, but rather I'm letting my fear of pushing someone away that I'm ironically driving them away anyways. Thank you for this video so much.
The Standards Vs. Indifference thing you said just completely turned the lights on to how i went wrong in a past situation.
What a timing! This morning I decided to screw my anxiety of getting hurt, because that is the exact reason I chase men away...every Person is different and deserves a fresh start, a chance without being mistrusted because of previous bad experiences. We need to start being vulnerable again, without that we're only left with fake relationships wih two pretenders...😢
Pretenders are sick😢
Matthew - I have struggled all my life with needing to be in a relationship. Needing to be loved, needing to be wanted. But - until recently I had no idea that this was an anxiety, a fear, a natural response in brain triggered by my inner child screaming to not be abandoned, to not be discarded.
Your videos have quite literally opened an entire new world for me to explore. The world of self-love and exploration. Where I am free to understand and accept these feelings and fears as what they are, anxiety rooted from abandonment and trauma. Knowing this has transformed my mind in a way that is unexplainable with language. Thank you, so much. Thank you for reminding me that it is okay to learn to love myself, it is okay to let someone WALK AWAY because that person is not the one who gets to decide my worth. I am. I am so grateful for these videos and even more so that they are free or I may never have unlocked this new understanding.
This video made me cry a little. Because when you essentially asked if we can be self fulfilled to walk away when our standards are not met but being vulnerable first…that´s when I realised I have achieved it. It took me so long to accept myself. It took me double as long to love myself. And even longer to realise I wont scare people away when I address what´s important to me, or better said, that the right person would stay. They never did, so it was never the right one for me. I held back my standard of wanting a long term relationship and not only a short fling because „it would scare them away and if they only got to know me better, they would want something long term.“ WRONG. With that attitude, I didnt even select people who were in the same life stage as me to move forward a step. Intention can be a deal breaker as much as compatibility can be. Watching your video was like me speaking reciting all the life lessons I had to learn the hard way this year. You are a very smart and empathetic man, Matthew. I promised to myself I wont hold back the truth to others anymore, and not lie to myself anymore. I know what I want, more than ever, and it´s really freeing. I can say that I love myself, say that I trust the universe that there is my person out there that I will not find if I compromise my personality and intentions. I am on the right path and it feels so good. I can be on my own, be secure within myself and never need anyone to be happy. I am at piece with myself, finally. After every break up Íve always felt worse and repeated toxic believes about myself in my head. But after the last dating stage ended with a guy because I said I wanted something longterm and he didnt, I felt better afterwards. It hurt because I liked him as a person, but there was not the slightest spark of feeling insecure about it. Quite the opposite, I felt empowered. Empowered that I spoke my truth, that I was able to not build emotional walls or indifference although I got disappointed many times. Empowered that I now know how to preselect better, stand up for my values and not talk myself down for things out of my control. This is real freedom. Thank you.
you're a genius. I'm going through a 'play it cool' phase and was disappointed with the result. I did not expect this video to help me. Thanks Matt
This perspective of standards being where your ultimate power lies, not indifference, has caused a bit of a paradigm shift in my approach to dating and romantic relationships. It's something I've vaguely felt before but just couldn't put my finger on it. Now it's locked in and has honestly changed everything and completely freed me up to not be "afraid" of being vulnerable and affectionate. More true to who I am and what I feel. To be confident and therefore more authentic. Which makes the other person be able to know and trust me more. Because I do. This is straight 🔥
Mr. Hussey...
This one is hands down!
A million pieces of gold wrapped in responsibility and maturity.
Thank you
If you’re with someone and you have so much to worry about with them, they are the wrong one.
Uh no. People grow up in different environments and backgrounds. If you have to worry about someone it means grow the heck up and learn how to empathize with others.
@@StevoSparta-tt5vu or that could be a recipe for disaster.
@@StevoSparta-tt5vuIf you're not able to be yourself around the person, you're going to feel restrained during the whole relationship.
There's being considerate, and then there's not being true to one's self.
Being able to not be yourself and having to worry about things with them are not the same thing.
“Could be” a lot of things. Having all the same interests “could be” disaster as well. You don’t know until you actually try
I used to be fine on my own. I met someone I was ultimately going to marry, and I became anxious. I knew my life would be so much grayer if he wasn't in it. It created a feeling of neediness inside me if things weren't going as well as they should or how I can make my relationship even better. Some of us are great by ourselves and then we meet someone who we spend years with and suddenly realize if we lost them, we would lose this companionship that lights up our life. Our comfort after a rough day. Being alone for years is okay, but we're designed to partner, mostly. When he left my life it really did break pieces of my soul. I was afraid of that. I am not sure that it can realistically just be a "im secure whether or not you are in my life, if you leave then cool, I'm fine.' You create your life with another person. You share a home, a bed, friends, family, your deepest feelings and build dreams with someone else. Yes, you should have your own friends and your own hobbies etc. That's surface level of living. How can you really give your heart to someone else and then ultimately be okay when they walk away? Too simplistic for someone who feels deeply.
Whats I've learned is that you don't give your heart to people and things. You give your heart to God, which is and endless stable love. When the center of your heart is God, everything else falls into place. You don't become as much needy. Because you know God will take care of your heart and life. Even if it hurts, you'll know that it's okay and therell be some sense of peace and safety.
It doesn’t mean you would immediately be ok the instant a long term relationship ends. Obviously not. It means 1) don’t put too much expectation on someone you just met and 2) if you “lose” someone, you SHOULD be ok in reasonable time. That time is obviously individual and varies by the seriousness of the relationship. Eg, if you just met someone and have only started to flirt / date, you better be ok without them. If you were with someone for years and it ends, well then it will take more time but a healthy person can still function and will gradually become ok again without them. Knowing this makes your life better and makes you better in relationships.
Awesome and VERY important video that should be listened to over and over again like a mantra specifically by people with anxious attachment style tendency.
Thank you Matt, this video is my confirmation that my actions were correct! I was interested in a man and it seemed he was interested in me. Our first conversation was good, I thought. We spoke longer than anticipated, but it was a good vibe. So I asked for his number, he gave it willingly. So, I reached out to make the first move. He responded, vaguely. I tried again two more times. His last response was " it could be a possibility " that we could meet and get to know each other better. I said great and told him to name the time and place and let me know, because I wanted him to be more active in taking initiative. I also added, jokingly, "don't keep me waiting for too long". Well..... It's been two weeks since that text. No contact since. Only the occasional" hi" or wave at the gym. So after watching this video, I'm going to focus my energy somewhere else. I'm a little bummed about it, but I don't chase. And I won't wait around while he figures it out. I need someone that will match my energy, morals and values. I been through way too much in my life to waste my time. So again, I Thank you!! Aloha🌺
I’ve been wanting to date again after a long period of therapy, self-work, and healing, but really afraid to, this has helped. Especially self-trust. Thank you got this
Is this video for women? Honestly, 1 solid piece of advice... Women, stop playing games! Be sweet to the guy you like, touch his arm, ask him things he wants to talk about, have open and welcoming body language. BUT, do not give yourself till a month after the first kiss. As this will usually kill chances to form a healthy LTR.
There's a lot of terrible advice going around. Things like 'don't text back too quickly', 'don't be too keen', 'make him do everything'. All of these things signal you're not interested and most self respecting guys will be put off by this behaviour.
Why do I enjoy listening to this man so much????? 😭
This is such a great video. A guy I was seeing ended things with me a month ago due to not feeling that “spark” or not much chemistry. His reason was once I let my guard down, i.e being vulnerable that I liked him and wanted to see where it could go because I gave him that green light. But wasn’t reciprocated. A lot of the points Matthew pointed out makes me look at the situation at a different perspective. Thanks Matthew! ❤️
That guy is a douchebag then lol.
The title is so misleading, I clicked on the video thinking I would watch some shallow formula on how to get someone to chase me, but instead the content is very deep and meaningful, talking about self esteem, standards and anxiety, great video, people would benefit a lot from watching and listening to what you have to say, I bet they do.
OMG he made me cry in the first minutes... yes anxiety of expressing yourself is not good... so much to learn, thank you so much Matthew!
"Sometimes we're so afraid of scaring someone off that we don't even give them the encouragement to actually try with us." hits the nail seriously hard. My situation with a guy is rather complicated as we are both incredibly shy. The main problem is that I don't want to seem too obsessive or scare him away, rightfully as I am actually really chose with his mother. But yeah, I should ask him more questions, I should try to sit next to him if I accidentally put myself in a situation that he cannot sit next to me. And these are really great tips for flirting that even if he isn't actually interested in me that way, this is just confident flirting that can be excused as friendliness at the end of the day (which is a good thing if it fails, and a good thing if it succeeds). If none of us step it up, we're not going to get anywhere.
Wow I feel you. I have a similar situation I could’ve written this comment haha.
Since the video, have you tried showing more interest ?
I want to but I’m scared
@@Em-fz5uhI am legit in this same situation. We hit it off from the very beginning. Whenever we were in the same situation (hard to explain) I’d always go up to him or sit next to him and ask what’s up. Just check in. Until I got in my head and started thinking I was too obsessive or desperate. Also, I was sort of getting mixed signals, like is he flirting or just being friendly. I feel like if a guy likes you you should know and no games. Anyways I convinced myself that I was going to completely stop flirting and instead let him make moves (ball in his court). Anyways, I’ve learned ignoring isn’t the answer through this video. I’m fine without him so I’ll just go for it! You too!
@@trubb1e me in the same situation damn.and one day when my friends told him I was hanging out with another guy,which in reality isn't.he asked whether I was hanging out and I said no,he just said that he was casually asking.but he was literally angry and jealous that day omg I have never seen him like that.i asked him why are you stressed about my relations and he said he asked it casually.mixed signals.
Loved the analogy of a photograph, a snapshot in time! Sooooooooo trueee!!!!! Completely agree!👏
Yo, number 2 A Snapshot in Time, where you talk about showing interest but if it isn’t reciprocated to point that effort somewhere else and not let it take away any power is on point!
Mathew. Love your tips and videos. Thank you. In my opinion if you can't be yourself and show up as your true self, it's not worth it. It's not worth learning and manipulating yourself for anyone. Relationships should enrich your life not fatigue you. Even constantly thinking of your next move is very stressful.
I couldn’t agree more. A shitty breeding ground!
Exactly… if someone is interested, they’ll show it period
I love Matthew’s videos because it’s not about dating and yes about self esteem! Which is key for the relationship with yourself and others!
I’m low key afraid of dating someone that also watches this videos, and has the same issues like me. Then we both reacting the same way to everything, then we are heartbroken and come back to this videos again ❤😂
Hey Matthew, just wanted to thank you for helping me understand how to communicate standards, not only in dating and personal relationships but also in my work life. I used to get very anxious about articulating my needs and was very unhappy in lots of crappy relationships… it took a toll on me on many degrees! But now I can say How you say them is key. Thanks!!
Wow, what a fresh breath of air. I have been in a funk, I am at a place where I was in need of what you are talking about and explaining it. I could not find anyone who would break it down like you do and give me understanding. I am going to keep watching you, thank you.
17:00 - I'm mostly healed from this, and told my parents that I'm grateful for our journey, and that I'm my own whole person and recognise that I'm always sovereign. ❤
I have learned that being happy on my own and loving my own company, but being interested in someone are two different things that are equally necessary. It's quite liberating.
I recently learned this too! It truly feels amazing and empowering! 💪🏼❤
I really like the advice you give. I feel it gets to the heart of the matter in a concise way that is relatable. Around the 12:00 mark is where you are spot on. The "standards" you have will hopefully navigate you in the right direction. This works ladies.... you have to believe in your self-worth and have a price on your head. I've been in a cat-mouse game with a man who initiated, got closer, only for him to "disappear" every time we were getting closer to connecting. I decided he wasn't up to the standards I need which is basic courtesy and not leave someone you like confused and unclear. With my new mindset, it automatically changed my behavior around him to one of a casual friend and not one of pursuit. Game changer. Now he's coming around, but it's given me too much time to think that this is what it took and my actions were natural and not contrived or planned. I don't need, but most importantly, don't want to play this game. I gained my self-esteem back which was my personal power. It was a wake up call and I feel so much better and in control of my feelings and life!
I'm completely in love with your videos Matthew. I used to be this "cool girl", not demanding anything but wanting it all....and feeling pretty miserable for that. Now, it's been a while since I started to love myself more, to value myself and to show what I feel and what I want, no matter what... I mean, my feelings are mine. I deny to be ashamed of them.
Thank you for your knowledge and for sharing it with us in such a easy way.
Have a beautiful day and a week🙏🏼❤️
Man, you'r such an inspiration, everything You Say direct's people to realice their own quality and to have self love.... Please, keep up the good work.
I love watching your videos again and again to remind myself. It always gets me in check if I start to feel more for a person I know. If I don't feel the same of what I invested, I start to move away slowly. Your videos always give me the motivation to do it. Thank you Matthew ❤
Finding this channel could not have come a more perfect time in my life. Thank you for your wisdom.
Matthew tells harsh truth delicately. Delicacy comes from intelligence. Thank you
I detest going to a party with someone who talks to everyone in the room and acts like I am not even there. You then tell them this and they accuse you of being needy.
you are unskilled socially. go alone in life.
You’re more of an introvert, and he is the extrovert so this will lead to incompatibility.
@@IVvOOvVINo, if they agreed to go together I would also expect to have fun together, not to split ways the moment we enter the doors.
@@rodriguesaplacino6612 you don’t have to split ways but if you’re dating the life of the party you have to be okay with it.
Matthew, you’re amazing because all this talk is things that many of us have nobody to talk to about. All of your work leads to not just happier dates, but a happier society. Thank you!
This is SO funny to hear this about physical affection! I'm old now but I've always enjoyed both physical affection and intimacy with a partner - my entire life! - but when I picked someone to marry, I chose the one person who did NOT enjoy those things very much at all! I'd just become a Christian, "reformed my wicked ways", & felt that I should strive to match his modesty & reserve. What a mistake that was! It was a short marriage. I'm still a Christian, but I hug who I want to hug (with their consent of course). But perhaps absurdly, I now have a much higher bar for intimacy than I had 30 years ago. Which has meant that in one way, I've been "alone" for over 12 years, but in another way, has allowed me to have many friends of all types & ages, & to talk openly with them about my thoughts & feelings, without focussing on them exclusively as a means to achieving physical intimacy.
Now that i have worked on myself i don't want to lose myself in my relationship that was my old pattern and I also think space is so healthy in a relationship I think it's good to miss each because its so exciting when you come back together and still make time for dates no matter how long you have been together being grateful for each other and appreciating what your partner does invest and then test great advice thank you ❤
This was so good! I appreciated how you talked about attachment and got on a psychologically deep level. Personal work is so important to heal the negative patterns we get into, very true!
❤
Are you serious!! This is the most powerful content I’ve ever heard about this topic for years …
The way you structure the ideas and present them 👍🏻
❤
I sooo needed this information.. just saw him on Drew Berry show.. excellent advice. I met this guy that says he’s single.. but moves like he’s not. He’s already not keeping his word with simple things.. like I’m going to call you back”. Then doesn’t call back.. too many of those is enough for me.. more than likely he’s like this in other areas. I love myself and my peace.. he can keep it moving 😂❤
I saw the show also and their cozy conversation was very enlightening! I was laughing when Drew was admitting she had "phantom relationships" in her head. 😂 Then I realized... OMG I've done that! 😜🤣
@@4EverGr8ful1 ikr!! I love her.. when she started crying about not protecting her peace.. I cried too.. bc I just started protecting and putting my peace first. I’ve always like Drew
'our needs for affection, for connection for proximity aren't the same as neediness' Wow thank you for clarifying that and describing that. So simple yet I never knew the difference and that's opened my eyes. That's very freeing as well to know the line between needs and neediness, because now I can be okay with my needs and accept and learn if someone confronts me about being needy. Thank you :)
This is brilliant!! It's like matching the other person's energy.. you put out and if it's not reciprocated, you pull back next time... this way, you always remain in control and then decide if you want to keep it moving.
I approach dating like I approach friendships. If you don’t like me as a friend, you definitely won’t like me as a partner.
Amazing advice. The best MH video ever. Has given me freedom to express myself and understand that if it’s not matched then I can move on. Thank you Matthew❤
I love this.
I would like to give my opinion though and state something (or at least reiterate a specific message you have spoken about that often gets overlooked), your energy being pulled away and redirected comes after clear communication (not demands) of showing vulnerability of showing interest and it not being reciprocated.
I think this is the biggest takeaway from this. And many misunderstand this aspect.
Wonderful video ❤
At this point - I've watched so many of Matts videos for years now, that I have a little Matt voice in my head. There's like a little control center in my brain, like a space station, filled with tons of tiny Matts, watching my life on a giant screen, giving me cataloged advice and yelling code red or abort mission when needed. Thanks tiny Matts for keeping me in line
Thanks tiny matts!
I love it.
This perspective of standards being where your ultimate power lies, not indifference, has caused a bit of a paradigm shift in my approach to dating and romantic relationships. It's something I've vaguely felt before but just couldn't put my finger on it. Now it's locked in and has honestly changed everything and completely freed me up to not be "afraid" of being vulnerable and affectionate. More true to who I am and what I feel. To be confident and therefore more authentic. Which makes the other person be able to know and trust me more. Because I do. This is straight
Every single thing you say rings true as Truth. If only I had been raised by a father with your wisdom!- but now I can begin applying it in every relationship I have and with everyone I encounter.
Thank you so much!
This video came as pure gold in the precise moment!
I am getting along with a girl from Japan, she’s very caring and affectionate in her own way (in Japan you need to figure out messages between lines) however, she is not a typical Japanese girl, so today we opened up about how we feel for each other. The conclusion, the best feeling because we both knew where we are going and I know this girl likes me back.
I’m visiting her to Japan in July, we’ll see if we then spend new year in my country, Mexico.
Thanks for the good advise, being open, consistent and intentional with the right person will bring nothing but clarity and peace of mind to invest emotionally in the relationship or simply walk away ❤
Your wisdom is priceless. Gestures are important-buying the popcorn indicates thoughtfulness and consideration. This also applies to friendship and family-it’s not about the money, but reciprocity and investing energy
Number 2 really helped with getting over unrequited love. Thanks for that ♥️
Good morning Matt. It's hard sometimes to overcome my emotions bec of the past that always replays in front of me and I can't change it. Ppl still comes back into my life while I know for sure it's over and there is no way to get back to my x relationships.
I appreciate your work and support that helped me during the time I need someone to give me positive energy again. 🌼💜
I think I lost my interest Matthew. I feel like a bitter add widow. I need some classes to be romantic agaiin.
Its funny I always catch your videos when I didnt even know I need it.
:D
You make me sane and you voice out what I have always known before. I just "shut it down" because of fear of losing the guy
You and this video validated my inner voice that told me "Your fine. Your standards are simple and doable. They cant provide it? there re other things worth your/our time. Do that instead."
Thank you Mr. Hussey for making me realize the obvious tht I just shut down
Brother! I wanted you to know that you were a spark in my darkest days and I always remember that video about heartbreak. It transformed me❤ Thank you! Much love!
I did exactly what you said with my potential date, we met at the library for the first time, then later 2 dates getting cancelled, I liked the potential very much, but I can‘t keep asking, I want reciprocity and affection, and I‘m standing behind this. If she comes back she knows, if she doesn‘t it‘s ok.
Wow, this is such a logical video. I love that you talked about standards. That exact scenario was happening to me and then I came across this video by chance. I pulled back and I just liked the person a lot less and I felt free and fine again. I feel as if the person will come crawling back as they always do and if they do, I would want to hold them accountable for their actions and the way I can do that, is to remember what my standards are. And that there are other people out there who could potentially meet these basic standards. I don't like the idea of playing games but I'm such a genuine person, that it could be easy for me to get hurt and I also don't want to be detached and never feel anything because I don't think that's a good idea either. Having standards and enforcing them allows you to show genuine interest and see whether the person can match it. And if they can't, I just can't like them in the same way.
Thank you for this. I knew this guy for a long time and we decided that we like each other and we should start dating and see if we can start a relationship. After 3 days of effort and presence, he started being busy all the time, even on his days off, and responding after hours or even "forgetting" to text back. I told him twice I need to feel like I am a priotity to him. He would apologize, change one day then do it again. I got tired of being anxious and trying to play games to win him. I just ended it. I didnt feel liked enough
I've been following Matthew since 2017 and his advice has led me to some incredible relationships and experiences. I'm eternally grateful for that. Thank you Matt. Cheers 🥂
You're my best therapist and coach. Thank you for all your content ❤ it's much appreciated.
Great advice on keeping on expressing the “small” things to keep them interested in more.
This could be applied to hold interest with anyone.
Romance. Friends. Business relationships.
The photo analogy is such a great way of reframing the situation to get over pride/ego
Important point in this. Make sure to communicate during this process, otherwise 2 people doing this can end up in a feedback loop over a misunderstanding or accident.
This is a beautiful talk. It is smart and comes from a place of kindness. This is how we should always act, even in modern dating which is a mess.
You have to choose to be happy on your own its a choice ❤️ and trust is the standard I have for my relationship and you can't trust that no one's going to hurt you you just have to trust that you'll be able to handle it if they do it builds you to trust yourself on so many levels this is amazing advice thank you and really appreciate your video thank you so much 🥰
Exactly
Accept that we hurt the ones we love. It's part of life and growing up. The important thing is the ability to go through conflicts and forgive.
This video is a true and profound game changer for me!! Your information opens not only so many more doors for me - it opens me up to be my most powerful self in dating. ❤
That was my old pattern I chased love I needed somebody to love me for me to love myself I was so scared to be alone what I didn't understand was i had an abandonment wound i needed to heal abandonment is just a fear of someone leaving its a limiting belief and because what I experienced as a child i took it on and internalized it I'm loved and loving I'm enough I'm important I am amazing I am confident I'm beautiful I can be alone I'm not scared anymore because being alone and feeling alone are two different things now i know no one can abandon me because I'm not going to abandon myself I have compassion for my child self and understand that my parents did the best they could with the tools they had at the time and I see them for who they are not what they did and knowing i can make better choices to help my kids learn and grow because what I went through I can learn from and hopefully help others now i don't Chase love love comes to me because its inside me what we seek in a relationship we can give to ourselves becoming self-aware and knowing what yourself needs and how to give it to yourself and knowing if I get triggered that's something I need to work on just getting to the root cause of what triggered you and why because you have to feel it to heal and then you can let it go ❤
Great video man, keep it going as it is, real talk only no guru made-up bs
3:57, I have so much fear of being seen as needy, that im an Ice Block even when I know she likes me. I ignore her hints and play impossible to get because of the fear of neediness. I have got an neediness neurosis😁
This is really good. The distinction between indifference and a standard... 🤯 as it relates to holding on to power... let your guard 💂♀️ down , have a standard. It’s brilliant. 🚑. 🚒. 🚛. 🚚.
You get to decide who to let in your vehicles 🛻 it will be fun 🏍🚲.
I was just explaining the need for the new man in my life. I explained that I need him bc he enhances my life and supports me unconditionally but I don’t need him bc I need him to make me happy. One’s happiness depends on the individual themselves. If you can’t make yourself happy then no one and nothing will make you happy. I’ve always been “I don’t need anyone, I got myself” type of person and this feels so good to meet someone where I feel vulnerable yet secure to need them in the best possible way. I’m in love and it doesn’t feel scary for the first time I actually feel safe, comfortable, secure, supported by my partner.
Matt you've been a massive help to me during my recovery and healing process from an emotional break up thank you so much keep up the good work