4 Evil Things Narcissistic Parents Teach Children
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- micheleleenieve...
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I remember as a child always wishing I was born into a different family.
It's past ,use the present better
😭
U can't ,sow now, trust God firs
Same here.
I had always hoped and believed that I was adopted.
And that I had normal relatives out there somewhere.
The parent doesn't even have to say they don't like the child. The child can tell.
@Nita Frank I'm so sorry this is what you received from your father. I hope you heal fully from this. The "Silver Lining": You have a level of compassion and understanding that you wouldn't have otherwise.
My mom told me she wish she got an abortion with me,that she saw no good in me but then say she loved me....I hated her
Oh yes my mother told me I should never have been born,,that she hated my father but she had to get married because she got pregnant with me,,,, for many years I've been trying to gain my mother's approval, but I had some therapy and learnt that it's better for me to not have a relationship with her,it still hurts that my own mother doesn't love me, my self esteem and self worth is non existent, my mum told me terrible things like I was bad and evil,,I'm going to try focusing and telling myself what I like about myself I need to learn how to self love
Chris H mine only likes me when I’m like them or do things they “approve” of
@Nita Frank It should be liberating for you to know that you did nothing wrong, that he was just not strong enough to be a good parent. You are free now, you can enjoy the life and be yourself without feeling guilty for anything.
Worse than teaching that you are unloved, they teach us that we are unlovable. So when someone does come along and offer us love, we don't trust it. When people treat us kindly, we are used to kindness being followed by cruelty, so we push it away.
My parents never said I love you. I used to hear "Why aren't you like your cousin Barbara". I wanted to shout "because I don't have her parents."
Bloody hell.....that was the worst thing ever, being compared to cousins especially when manipulated into thinking I was inferior to them. And on topics where I excelled in the uncles and aunts completely ignored. Bias
U is u, u can't be else ,else who's gonna bee u
This is truth
That’s a pretty sophisticated response from a kid. How old were you when you said that to your folks.
I had parents, and from the outside, everything looked fine, but the reality was that I never had a mum and dad. I could never go to them for help. My father was useless (or so I believed at the time), always saying me to "I don't know, go and ask your mother". My mother was either too busy (but had enough time to tell me that I was nothing but a nuisance!), or having one of her headaches.
Many years later, I found out that my father, a Ukrainian refugee, had spent the war years, taken, as a teenager, from his family by the Nazis to work in a labour camp in Germany, and was never to see his family again. After the war, he came to England, met and married my mother. Obviously, his experiences during the war had left him extremely lacking in self-confidence along with very low self-esteem, which was exactly how my mother intended to keep him, never allowing him to make friends, or even spend time with me. Another thing - when my father was three years old, his own father died in an accident so he had no experience of fatherhood himself, having been brought up by his older sisters and mother. I remember him being more like her servant than her husband. Every time she called his name, no matter what, he would come running to her. This happened a lot when she saw him alone with me. Consequently, I had no parental upbringing as such, I was fed and watered, as it were, and given a good education, but that was it. There was no love in our household, only lies, desperation and anger. They're both gone now and I've never felt the need to grieve over them!
Zero nurturing, and brutal emotional games, including rejection for ever questioning them. So cruel
they will burn in hell for eternity.
@@thaistomp I truly hope so!
@@thaistomp No they won't because most of the time they don't realize what they did. You should realize that no matter what they did, they just didn't know, they were stumbling in the dark as we all are. You can and should get away from that behaviour especially when it's a parent but heaping on judgement to them is wrong, we as individuals are only doing harm to ourselves wishing harm on anyone else. Think about that and really take it in. We only harm ourselves when we wish something bad on anyone else no matter what we believe they did. I am not trying to protect myself...I am a Narcissist and yes I really am yet I didn't know that just a week ago. I'm seeing clearly what I did and my love was suffocating to my children and I didn't know how else to act. I did nothing to harm them that I realized until lately because I had forgotten so much that I actually did but once I listened and really heard them tell me the truth and let it in started remembering many incidents I 'd forgotten and I'd forgotten my childhood too. Once I started remembering the 'hell' I'd gone through and my siblings, I knew this has been going on forever because My father went through hell to with his father. I'd always thought I was the lucky one because he didn't physically harm me in any way but the emotional abuse is worse. I had that done to me and without realizing it, and wanting to protect my own children so badly I ended up doing the emotional abuse differently but it was still the same. Abuse is Abuse and emotional seems worse than physical because we can't prove anything. People can change though and with me changing now because I know the truth of what I was doing, we can then heal ourselves and through that heal the ones we did harm to. I feel so lucky I've lived this long as I almost died a few times over the past 5 yrs. because now I have a chance to tell them all how I realize I'm the one who did harm to them and I need to ask forgiveness but even as I say this I know they just know because we all have more then our 5 senses and when there is evil we can feel it, yet can't prove it, and when someone knows they've done harm and they do love so deeply it can be felt and change the whole course of our lives so the next generation doesn't have to continue to do the same. Find kindness in your heart or you only do harm to yourself. :)
Forget Family all you narcissist cowards will be punished in due time...
@@forgetfamily3754 you're still doing it. Trying to gaslight everyone and overstepping boundaries. Our anger is justified and how we deal with it is up to us. You have no say in it.
Goes back to the saying “people will forget what you did, forget what you said, but they will NEVER forget how you made them feel.”
Michelle, can you now understand after all this what happened to you, that it was part of your choice to get to this higher level of Consciousness? Your warm Compassion for all the "victims" is so strong. Could you get to feel like this without passing through hell? All who passed through some hell (or Plutonic Hades underground process) in some of their incarnations are in fact very courageous souls who chose this way for getting in their adult life "Light Workers". I call them SPIRITUAL LIGHT WORKERS. I hope every victim will once realize this. Once they called these persons SAINTS, but I prefer not to stick these wonderful BUTTERFLIES on a calendar! Love to All
Percisley! My mother convinced my sister and I that we had schizophrenia!
This is my nmoms favorite quote lol
One of my favorite quotes 💞💞
“You can’t be your dad’s favorite...he was the one that fought me to abort you...so, he can’t love you.”
Am 38 and still feeling this hurt. And no one can understand. Because most people have normal parents.
A lot of children have narcissistic parents.
I'm adopted and although I was grateful for not living with my birth mother because she was abusive and crazy. My adopted mother wasn't far from her from using me to clean the whole house an clean up after other people in the house, to beating me till I bleed sometimes to telling me I'm dumb or stupid to waiting till I got my first real job an started taxing me every single month the list goes on but I'm taking my life into my own hands and learning to say no 🙏
I understand even tho I’m just 16. Your feelings are valid. And you’ll be okay. WE all will be okay. Keep going ❤
@@luvajenoel4248 I love you
I'm 38 and leaving this relationship. I live with disabilities and they deny me healthcare and refuse to share food, yet demand I owe money. Having a career in journalism and public advocacy, allowed me to speak out, to which my family is ashamed of me. She gives tokens, but bribes don't solve injustice. This is not just about me.
My mother would always tell me, "I always wanted a boy, when I found out I was having a girl I cried. I never wanted a daughter." When I finally realized she was a narcissist I called her out and she lost her mind. She turned the entire family against me. We moved across the country and now I live happily without any of my family in my life. She still emails me periodically trying to convince me one of them is dying of cancer including my dog. I fell for it the first few times before I realized it's just an insane tactic to draw me back in. No contact truly is the only way to escape.
Oh .... my.... god..... I thought I was reading a comment I wrote and forgotten about, I swear to god my mom told me the same thing - that when she found out I was a girl she cried. My mom grew up with divorced parents and later had a step father who abused them, and she said “I just want a son so a man will love me because your FATHER never did”. My mom has said she was in the hospital having a “heart attack” trying to get me to talk to her, she’s mailed letters to my house saying my brother was in a terrible accident and I have “no idea” trying to guilt me and then I called him and he said he just rear ended someone and that he’s just going to go to court and that was it, the list goes on and on.. these videos talking about narcissism really ... gave me closure in a way. I cannot BELIEVE I wasn’t the only one, I just thought my mom has a difficult personality and that’s just what it is. I’m so sorry this happened to you, and it’s so sad how many people can relate ...
Jamie Dougherty omg same is happening to me, they emotionally manipulate me to come back, but I stopped listening
👏good for you 👍😇🤗
Yeah they do use someone Heath issues as a way to get you back in their life so sad!!!
My mom told me "I NEVER WANTED YOU." She would chase me with a knife when I was a preschooler, and laugh to hear me scream in terror. She would lock me in a closet from before lunchtime until before my dad came home. Told me if I told my father, she'd poison him.
My mom would always say that I was crazy and stupid every time I had a different opinion.
My mother is 83 and still insisting that I come up with untrue stories about her behavior. She only admits she's wrong when it is politically advantageous for her. She has intentionally deleted all memories which do not match her chosen beliefs about herself. I spent thirty plus years in and out of mental institutions because of that woman. And guess who shoved all the pills down my throat? Yep. Mommie dearest.
My mother would never tell me I was stupid but she would tell me my opinion was wrong. I'm 29 and she still does it. I finally cut her off.
Any examples of your opinions they thought were crazy?
That sounds like my former mother-in-law talking. She was a raging narcissist up until she expired at 93.
Same it sucks
Hah! "You're just like your father!" I heard this so many times and my father was a loving person. Finally I looked her in the eye and said "Yes, well I could do worse. I could be like you!". I have been ostracized and disinherited but I am SO GLAD I SAID IT!
Mine says the same, except he’s a perverted old drunk, if I have a sip of champagne on my bday, I’m just like him and abusing her?? 😂😂😂😂
@@roisin33 heck girl, have the whole bottle on your birthday.
Sad but brave.
What was your mom’s response?
oh I swear im using this next time
Well stated.
Children of narc abuse have a more sophisticated form of PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) they have what's called CPTSD( complex post traumatic stress disorder)
years and years of layers and layers of unresolved abuse.
Primarily the scapegoat child suffers from this disorder the most.
And in the DSM-V there are no distinctions of PTSD, just the one type, whereas they made distinction between child molesters and paedophiles who haven't 'acted out' yet. Interesting priorities. One of the men on the council who vote on what goes in our out of the DSM is some kind of paedophile activist. PTSD treatments can further traumatise someone with CPTSD.
Omg yes! And I am her!
@A Berryman
I said "primarily"
Golden Child has no idea what the scapegoat really goes through.
The golden child serves a different purpose, it needs to be reminded from time to time what it can be like if they don't do as they are instructed.
Golden Child is abused in a different way , they are put on a pedestal, only later to crash when society doesn't.
Narcs always seize the opportunity to garner supply , you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
My guess is your abusing the scapegoat as well , scoring points with your narc mom by abusing the scapegoat by proxy on her behalf.
She set you up to do her dirty work , to drive a wedge between the children and garner supply through you from the sidelines where she can maintain her mask and angelic persona.
What a vile wicked woman she is.
Sadly, children of narcissistic parents, often become narcissists themselves. It’s like every other cycle of abuse.
@@Resvrgam tends to be the golden child who often becomes a narcissist, not the scape goat child.
This is the first time in 43 years someone has been able to explain this pain to me, and why I feel so confused.
Thank you, Michelle.
45 for me don't feel bad 😢
From one daughter of a narcissistic mother to the two of you, I love you both
I’m. 43 learned yesterday
I’m 48. Realized my family of origin is this way at 47.
53/54 years for me. *hugs* to you all!
Both my parents are narcissistic. Best thing I've ever done is delete them from my life. I choose positive ppl in my life, and I choose ME.
My future is righteousness good! Chose YOU💙Just because they’re blood doesn’t mean they’re healthy for you! 🙏🏻😇🙏🏻
bingo! shit can them from your life.
I Tube well done!
thats sounds... odly narcissistic...
Wow this video really hits home! It's so awful and confusing growing up like that but you are so right! Once you know your inner truth no one can take that from u 💕
The narcissistic parent is truly pathetic - I've read somewhere that the child never stops loving the narcissistic parent but themselves cuz the parent taught them that. I can resonate with that. I've read many books on psychology to finally realize; that I'm not the problem, they are. And that every child deserves love. XOXO
Damn straight sister. This is not a sob story. I am a guy and I feel you on this as well. People don't understand how toxic parents can truly screw up their kids.
So bad to a point it fucks up their life....
@@farfetched9296 Even so bad, it can actually have a domino effect and screw up the grandparents life (narcs parents). I've seen it happen in my own family. My grandparents were narcs too- constant gaslighting to protect their narc son (my dad).
@@calliek.8013 Yeah those mothefuckers are aways cleaning the shit of the others like they. And using real kind innocent people as scapegoat.
Trel Spiegel truth.
Trel Spiegel - so true! I am a twin and mother dearest decided I was to be the absolute enemy while doting on my brother. She never used my name until i was in my 20's, denigrated every achievement, designated me as slave to the whims of my twin. Crushed any confidence. When i finally dealt with the depression and damage she caused, she attacked me for it. Her ego was more important than the health and well being of her child. Waiting for the glorious day she dies and takes her toxicity all the way to hell. To those who battle the poison of the narcissist here's some advice: You can't change them, they can't give you what they don't have, research the disorder and understand the tactics, and remember you are not what they say you are, you are much, much better than them. Strength to you - you are not alone.
I’m praying for any body with narcissist parents and siblings 🙏🏾
Me.
Thank you god bless you always 🙏🙏
Thank you for your prayers. I will join you!
thanks
Please pray for me please 🙏🙏🙏
Emotional starvation. Thanks for that term. That is exactly what I am experiencing.
Me too. Thank God for my husband and my Dad
I only started growing when my mother disappeared for 5 years, without leaving any contact info. I flourished!
The only way to grow under a narcissist is to get away from them, completely. They will trim your wings and throw you crumbs, so you're comfortably kept within their reach and control, they'll undermine your every action and thought that might lead you down a positive path in life. You CAN'T do better than them, EVER! They were prettier, smarter, thinner when they were your age... Seeing you shine would be like telling her she's not good enough, you're better than her, and mirrors know what happens to the prettiest of them all! 🙄
@Old Heathen 🤞💖 Yes, you can! And in our cases, we SHOULD!
My mother was incapable of hugging me
@@misstery5942 Hugging, kissing, being warm and receptive, all things out of her vocabulary and life. Strangely enough, now that I'm in my early 50's, whenever she's not attacking me, she's trying to hug or kiss me, which is very weird, to say the least... 😒
My "mother's" favorite phrase when she was angry was, "get out of my sight!". Like a queen dismissing a clumsy servant.
I thought this was normal.
My mother used to say. Get out of this car I’m gonna run you over. When we went to bed she would say the devil is gonna reach up and pull you down to hell.
omg I'm sorry both my parents are like this too. My dad says get out I'm working like in a rude voice.
@@nikiyubari8410 it is normal.Not all parents that say these things are narcissistic.
I always catched that phrase ''Get out of my sight'' from my mom when she would give the silent treatment me when I got punished. So hurtful.
People don't believe what my mother does they believe the facade
They trick people.
Well they can all peck eachothers eyes out now because they are going to IMPLODE without mebas their scapegoat
Learn about scapegoat peopke
I honestly don't think I can handle any more of it.
I have removed from them and have told my daughter what they see and I just pray that the cycle stops and that my daughter doesn't allow them to do it to her when I am no longer here.
Just want to live without them consuming any more of my time
Miss Tery I may be a little bit in the same situation thay you are right now... You have a daughter too. How old is she? What is the situation right now with her, you and them? I may relate a lot...
I have to admit I really enjoyed telling my toxic mum how lovely my husbands mum was, revenge is sweet 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
damn I wanna do this one day
Same, i know the feeling and my mother in law is her sister😏
@@ts676 Her sister?
@@ladennayoung2939 my mum and mother in law are sisters
@@christwarrior9124 I married my cousin, my husband is my mum's nephew 😊
I think that many will agree with the following statement..........."If only I knew then what I know now"......
Gary G AMEN! 💙🙏🏻💙
Yes
Yes I think I thought those exact words just recently
I just posted one of these videos with that very statement to Facebook
Right on - how different life would be
My mother is almost 71 and still a narc. You can't say a word to her her that she twists it around into something bad.
I'm sorry you are experiencing that. Keep your head up and remember how truly sad and empty she must be to behave like that.
I hope you disowned her by now.
I tried to keep a relationship until it nearly killed me at 58.. my life force was disappearing. 5 years on from estrangement I am feeling better..but it is sad it had to happen.
ni a
It doesnt matter how old they are. They are narcissistic forever. Nothing will ever change that.
My mother used to threaten me by saying "I will send you to an orphanage if you do not do as I say ".
I wish she had!
Mine used to threaten she’d kick me out..I wish she had
wow my mom would make threats so send me to a mental hospital she does this still i’m a minor and i hate it
@@skylajasmr same!
Send her to the very bad, poor, slump, dirty retirement house / nursing home once she can't do anything anymore and just laying on deathbed
I would get threatened with being sent to a group home.
My mom cursed me with, “Your husband’s going to hate you” when I started shaving my legs. That wasn’t even close to the other hateful things she said, like the time I went to her when I was 12 and constantly bullied by my older sister & brother she said, “stop pestering me, you can all kill each other for all I care” which actually meant “they can kill you for all I care”. A year later she told me to stand behind the car of my older sister who was getting ready to pull out after chasing my brother with a kitchen knife in a murderous rage. I sought safety instead so she scolded me for “not doing as I was told” (getting run over) then blaming me for my sister getting away.
Hard to look back on now. I’m 67, a mother, grandmother and just this year got into therapy with a therapist that understands and quickly pointed out the dysfunctional family pattern and my role as Scapegoat. I’ve been in therapy several times in my life and this is the first time a therapist has recognized the issue. I’ve since had to go No Contact with my family of origin and extended family/friends that are still in what I now call a Mind Control Cult, who are invested in maintaining “the family image” of our Covert Narcissist mom as some kind of saint when I know she’s anything but.
I heard “you’re just like your father” my whole life.
Same here! Any time I was showing some trait my mom arbitrarily found undesirable, it was always, "Well, you're definitely your father's daughter" or "Oh my God, you're just like your dad!" with a huge, exasperated sigh afterwards, like my dad was some huge loser and I was a carbon copy of him!
I heard this too growing up 💔
Yup my mom admitted she loved my brother more than me because I reminded her of my dad. I'm 39 and I keep her at arms length now
Father's kinky hair, big feet, too-broad shoulders...I totally hear you there.
This! If my mother isn't talking about I am just like my crazy father, who I look like and act like, she's saying that I am just like my aunt who is a malignant narcissist, who she always knew I would be like since I was a toddler and never be shit.
Every mother is Not a good mother. One of the best things to do, is lose attachments to anybody that is not good for you.
the hardest thing is working out WHAT is good for you, coming from a place of weirdness, you have to make a lot of mistakes...and they can damage you even more.
I did what u wrote! I recommend it, so at least ur mind will get some ease!
in the eyes of a child.....yes the mother is good......
There is a spectrum of good and bad moms and dads. It's sad if/when we have to lose attachments to our parents. But there comes a point when there is so much hurt that you just can't force a relationship with that person. You want to love that person, but knowing that they will never change. Sometimes, losing the attachments for those who are not good cause losses of those who are good for you.
Too true
my mom is worse than this. I have to separate myself from her to keep the positive attitude and love myself !
And to keep sane!
I feel so bad for you, try doing something you love. Planting, drawing, sports or whatever. Have someone who isn't a narc to talk to.
Same. Telling everyone I abused her, when she is the one who abused me. Now she phoned and is acting as if she did not do a damn thing wrong. Wants to visit me. Do you visit your "abuser"? Lol. I'm never letting her in my house ever again. The mind games she plays is soul destroying.
Same here for me. I have to be alone in my room or some other place either playing guitar, watching TH-cam, writing fiction, playing Minecraft, and/or listening to music in order to keep happy and sane. To stay away from her constantly trying to strip away my individuality and invalidate my emotions.
Same.
I'm in my 50s and I've been living my whole life with my mother's voice in my head saying "I love you because you're my daughter and I have to, but I'll never like you." It has made it impossible for me to have relationships and friendships because I always think people don't really like me that they're only putting up with me. People wonder why I never keep in contact with them and in my mind I think I'm doing them a favor.
Because what your mother said simply doesn't make sense. Maybe try working on the concepts of that sentence separately because you can't put together the first part and the second (EITHER you love someone or you don't, to HAVE to love someone doesn't exist as a feeling, it is societal pressure but not feeling). You have to break down the whole thing into three separate parts, come to terms with each one and then acknowledge deeply that what your mom said is insane and let her go. So: being clear about what it feels like to be loved, to love and maybe being clear about your mother simply not wanting to have you and not recognising it herself, and this leading her to give mixed signals would erase this part of the trauma. I say this from experience with narc father.
awe.....that's what I do with my family and then they guilt trip me that I don't care that's why I stay away vs. they have done something wrong. you can't win. life is too short, go live it, don't let them win.
You're doing yourself a favor by staying away from these soulless people.
Dude that's exactly how i see my mother. She brought me here as a "oops, I'm pregnant. Now i have to take care of her. In the mean time, let me treat her as a slave and a robot."
@@taniamachin766 That's exactly my experience. My mother tried to get rid of me by drinking certain concoctions but it didn't work... growing up it's obvious she saw me as a slave and still to this day she thinks I'm only here to serve her every need. Not anymore I told her today I'm not your slave! She's almost 82 good luck to her, I'm taking back my power and getting on with my life. I'm cutting her off once and for all, something I should have done years ago... I feel a weight lifting off my shoulders
For forty years I was shackled to the BS my monster instilled in me, I am finally free and life is good.
congratulations that is amazing 🙏🏾
I'm just coming to the conclusion that those people who raised me aren't really my parents- on the soul level so I don't feel bad about no contact with them. Good talk, thank you!
That's more common than you might think. I am a Jew but my adoptive parents hid this from me as long as I knew them. I can forgive them for preventing me from my community but I don't know if God will.
I feel this…their not really my parents
Not long before my nar mother died she told 2 things that shocked me:
She told me that she hated herself . This first one i believed and her saying that was like pieces of a confusing puzzle falling into place.
The second one was that i was a better person than she was. This i could not believe because she had brainwashed me into believing i was a horrible person. I spent my life people pleasing, desperately afraid others would find out what my mother "knew" about me.
But these days i am absolutely determined to undo that. I am going to reprogram my brain. I remember what a loving sister i was to my little brothers and to animals. I remember how i raised money at the age of 11, on my own, to send money to starving children in Biafra . I know i wasent born bad and thats a start.
dreams of turtles sweet heart same thing happen to me told I was useless and a disappointment
The power of Jesus was confirmed to have heal the traits from someone I personally talked to in a laundromat that actually felt like Holy Spirit.. I know it sounds weird but all of us are connected- I can prove this theory.
After you finally understood “puzzle pieces falling into place” lost time what were they doing-all sorts of absolutely miracle feeling enlightenment.. tell me I’m wrong
lauren paterson yes, they all seem to say different versions of the same thing, its a projection onto their children of their own self hate. I wish u healing and realization of the Goodness that u ARE. 🌻
dreams of turtles - God bless you and thanks for sharing.
dreams of turtles , God bless you. I want to add that you are a blessing. My parents were kids during the Biafrian war. I bet your charity helped one way or another. Thank you.
I've learned more watching a couple of these videos than I have paying for two years of therapy.
Right? I love Michele. ❤
Agreed! 👏 Therapists who aren't versed in narc abuse will often gaslight their clients and give them problem solving strategies that would absolutely work with any reasonable person. Sadly, we are not dealing with that. You have to be very strong to come through years of being told you are seeing things wrong when you definitely aren't by "professionals".
My sister says she looked at my mother and decided to do everything just the opposite. My sister was the most charismatic person I've ever met, but it was a good charisma, not the evil kind that narcissists can have. The whole room would light up just by my sister's presence. My mother was a never ending fountain of negativity.
u always have a choice even as a small child. ur sister's a great person for that. it would be too easy to say "well that how my mom was"
trauma can't be excuse there is always someone who had it worse yet turned better, nor is judgement, line between compassion, abuse and suffering, management of stress and anger, karma, there is cost and reward in everything..
persiamotorman what a lovely sister you have! ❤️
I am happy for you and your sister, on the other hand I had an older sister who swore she would never be like our mother and she turned out just like mom, if not worse...but she can not see it, in her eyes she is the most perfect, beautiful woman to walk this earth...her mask is slipping as she ages...she needs constant praise and catered to like the Queen she knows she is and if you dont let her control you...hell has no fury like a woman caught with her mask off! so I had more then one source of negative energy coming at me while growing up....
persiamotorman Yes!
I once dropped out of a vocational training because it wasn't my thing. My mom was sitting on the couch, crying about how all the women at her work had such successful children and she was ashamed and afraid to talk about me. So I told her to tell them that I was dead so she wouldn't have to talk about me anymore. I was so done with her.
love it!!! Good for you!!!
Sheer brilliance on your part. Honestly, life is way too short to be abused further by this emotional vampire 👏
Mine worried about his reputation. I was 12.
That's the most frightening story I've heard in a long time, tugged at my heartstrings. Talk about total unacceptence, and you must know in your heart that you were a child like all children and you did not deserve these negative emotions, these feelings of unavailability.
Everytime one of my cousins got a fancy job, or got accepted to an expensive prestigious college. She always says,' Why don't you do this, like (so-and-so)'. I was never successfull enough, never pretty enough, anyone I brought home, she didn't approve of. I had straight B's, never did drugs, never went to Juvenile. Never had illigitimate children. But it was never enough......
I feel this on a really deep level. One thing that is worth mentioning is the narcs complete disregard for autonomy. They HATE seeing other people being comfortable within their identity; including their own children. They expect everyone to conform to their beliefs, and if you don't conform they will dismantle you with words or alternatively pretend that you don't exist. I was constantly cycled through bout of idealization and devaluation as well. One week I'd get ignored and everything would be fine, and then the following week everything I was doing would be wrong. I was made to look like a monster and she had everyone SO convinced that I was the bad one...When in reality I was just being used as a scapegoat. I was only a kid.
bingo! cut contact with my narcissist emotionally abusive mother & she's pissed that im doing well without her. she filled a missing persons report on me (in 33 yr old adult!) just to try to worm her way back into my life. the detective who contacted me relayed that my mom just 'wanted to talk' after years of telling me I wouldn't amount to anything. unbelievable. cutting ALL contact is the only way to deal with these kind of people for one's mental & spiritual sanity
ein Preach it!
Omg! Same here my mom is a Christian and I mean she believes she is perfection. She cut me off when I needed her the most..during my teen years because I wasnt like her. Everytime I entered a relationship she would tell me it won't work. I was married for 5 yrs and been divorced for 3. As soon as I got divorced she was "sorry it didnt work" and would say its time for a change..meaning becoming just like her. The moment I started dating again after 2 years mind you she told my 2 kids your mom is a whore! She wanted me to abort my youngest because she didnt like her dad...I could go on and on. My brother and I grew up in insanity literally. My dad was a narcissist also...I have spent my life trying to be aware of my actions and words so I dont do the same thing to my children. I have also had to do and am still doing major work to change my views about myself.
Jake Peel
I’m so sorry. There is a way professionals say to not agree with a narcissistic parent. Stay ‘confused’ when they want to do something or have you do something. It has made a HUGE difference in my world.
Here is the professional counselor of family relationships for over 40 years:
Jerry Wise
He can explain it all so clearly.
Crystal Louis
You are awesome! I am learning how to ‘Self Differentiate’ from a narcissistic parent. Here is the relationship expert of over 40 years helping people through narcissism. His mother also was narcissistic.
Jerry Wise- He has over 100 clips on TH-cam. I think you will find his advice SO clear and helpful.
My parents would get each of their 7 children alone and say similar and horrible things to us separately. 45 years later, we discuss it and recognize the pain we suffer together. Inconsistent normality rings so true with me.
My heart goes out everyone who was raised by narcissistic parents! I got just found about narcissism a few months ago due to the bizarre behavior of my ex narc boyfriend. I was only with him for 10 months & I’m experiencing PTSD. I feel blessed that have 2 normal parents that showed me unconditional love. I couldn’t imagine growing up with these demons
Your two parents that SHOWERED you with unconditional love WERE part of the problem...grooming you for a world of Narcs you would not be prepared for!! Over sheltering like that is/are lies and sets you up for failure and great pain in all areas of your life...SMOTHERING love can be debilitating and crippling! Did your parents know it consciously? I don't know! HOPE I am not upsetting you.but, think about it, please. You a beautiful person....and in some cases for"some" others to see as prey...Yet, you are a beautiful person and no one should take that away!! SAD! SAD!! SAD!! Just beware in the future and get to know people well...WELL! Put'em to the test or multiple tests many times... Shame we have to live this way! If you or any of us are lucky ...someone or more than one will see that goodness in you...in us.. and cherish it instead of destroying it! LOVE AND VALIDATION
Almost40born78 -
And demons they are... unfortunately all of the sexually mollested children grow up to be narcs.
God Bless you, but why did you "fall" for a Narc then??? Something IS missing in you from your childhood - that's how the Narc trapped you. Mine is abandonment and loneliness. But, my God has shown me and healed me... Many Blessings~
@@lightinthedusk Thank You for your reply. I am with you all the way on that. Just saying *smothering* is yet *another* narc tactic/behavior all designed to keep that person as property...Guilted into shame if seeking to growth *away* from parents and living their lives to the fullest...because these type parents can't do without that grown child...shamed into leaving...growing...living! And *not ready* for what's *out there.*
MY NF(alternately covert and overt and an *enabler* to my NM...MY NM(covert) was brutal...Often overt behind closed doors...and aided by GC NB...Was The Ultimate Set Up and Destruction for me...for most of us here...It is the usual dynamics depending on how many narc siblings were conditioned into screwing up the scapegoat picked...US! THEN GO TO CHURCH!
So, dear fellow survivor...I know your plight well. I am only 16 months NC and still processing this madness...Trying to believe there is more than this for me here on earth...now that I know this... I want to know what it is to be in unabused settings with nonabusive people...Just once in my life. WOKE SO LATE in life. How are you doing!? All the love!
Also, I was never getting emotional support. For example, if I was crying, my dad would tell me to stop acting. And my emotions were always put aside and as he says "fake"....
oh my god tht happened to me too. i find it so difficult to cry now.
That is definitely trauma. "Holistic Psychologist" says when a parent denied your reality you overreact later in life because you were not heard as a child. We are suppose to feel safe , heard, and seen. When that is missing it is just as much of trauma as other kinds of abuse. We have to "reparent" ourselves and forgive and love ourselves to break these patterns. Also check out "Louise Hays."
Narcs can’t stand true displays of emotion.
Same. I love that I’m not so alone as I thought I once was, I hate that so many others have suffered the same way.
Hugs
My parents never hugged or said l love you..never praised us when something good was done. We were always being put down, degraded and being used in some way.
How could they not say love you to that face
Hurt ppl hurt ppl 💕
@@menew_mind_life_designs is that a song? Lol
You are so correct. The envy. The stealing of your dreams and desires and friends. Destroying your reputation quietly behind your back. Stealing your place in the family and pushing you out, quietly poisoning everyone's perception of you. The self projections, making you and others believe that as a child you were and are an evil person. ..Spot on. I remember sitting and listening to my mother tell lies to people for no apparent reason. It was not until I was in my 30's that I realized that the lies that she was telling and asking me to coahborate were viciously slandering me.
Same. It's so disgusting. Then they play the victim.... 🙏🙏🙏
I spent 37 years of my life wondering why I kept getting into abusive relationships with friends and lovers alike. Then, last year I finally remembered being tortured by my narcissistic female parent and maternal grandparent, forcing me to stay in a relationship I didn't want when I knew for a fact he was cheating on me, and forced me to give up on someone I loved dearly who loved me dearly....it taught me that love = abuse and abuse = love.
She literally destroyed my life. And I hope she burns in hell for it.
You didn't deserved these disgusting things
I figured it out when I was 12
3 decades…3 decades I’ve had to go through this. My late husband absolutely disliked her. She hates the fact that I got happily married. She was livid. I could hear it in her voice. I just want to add that I knew what she was from a very young age. I knew something wasn’t right with her.
As a person who has never had a father, was brutally neglected and abused by my birth mother, and all but tossed to the trash by the woman who adopted me, I have never been able to grasp how important it is to have your parents. I got great grades in school but I was told I was stupid daily. I always had boys (and girls) fawning over how pretty I was, but my mom would say how hideous I looked. It hurts me to remember that I have never known a happy childhood. I don’t get it when people cry over missing their families, I’ve never wanted mine.
That breaks my heart. I am so sorry you had to go through that. How tragic! I will pray for you.
I feel you!
Make you another family and bless you.
I feel the same lack of understanding when people cry and miss their family. My mother was and is the same way and I continually had to escape into video games or fantasy books to make my life bearable by imagining that I was in some super hero origin story where one day all the pain would be made clear and I would understand the purpose for all such abuse as a child. I get by now by imagining that I am like Bruce Wayne and a loner that puts on his Bruce Wayne mask every day to show the world but his real face was that of Batman.
Me too. The teachers, my relatives, all the neighbors raved about my performance in school, my good manners, my good grooming, etc., but nothing I ever did was enough for my mother.
She always made me her “bad daughter.” I could never figure that out. Why did other people give me positive feedback, but not the person I was supposed to be closest to and safest with?
So I agree. People rave about their good memories of their moms. I just stay quiet, I had good times, but there were more bad times than good, and yes, she starved me of love. She never let me feel I was ever good enough.
She was inconsistent. She was moody, I never knew what I could expect from her. She was strict. She was grim.
I felt I was an inconvenience to her. She even told me, when I was 16, that I wasn’t her favorite. She acted like she would have been much happier if I had not been born.
We get what we get, and we have to go on, but I have no nostalgia, really, about my mother. She had good qualities, but she could have been warmer and more loving to me, but I guess it just wasn’t in her. It’s not fair to be a child, and to be made to feel so unwanted and inconvenient, that way. She told me thousands of times that she’d made the huge sacrifice of bringing me into the world “because my father wanted a daughter,” she’d say. Never once, never one time did she ever say - I wanted you. Not one time. Children aren’t stupid, they notice things like that.
I can't stand my mother she ruined me
same :/
How do you begin healing from the hurt? after accepting that ive never felt love, how to start feeling better? im so angry and livid
@@theREALESTrealistUNPOPULAR Find your own self worth ....What i mean by that is find your fulfilment , your craft ,your hobby....and use it to fill the void , for instance if it's art your into , vent your frustration onto the canvas , if you love to write , write out all the things on your mind in no particular order get it out. meditate to clear your mind start new routines. hope it helps i am currently going through the very same transition.
Sorry to hear that keep your head up 🙏🏾
Jessica B Only temporarily ruined 🤗
Clump all those memories of her, everything she told you, all those thoughts and throw them as hard as you can into the rubbish bin. Refill your mind with a better way. 😊
I was finally good enough when my mom died. I could please the "good for me" requirements and be "good" and not have her undermine my success by questioning and managing every corner of it.
When you said, “I love you because you are my daughter BUT I don’t like you”... I just lost it. I’m in tears and I’m shaking. I heard that so often. I tried so hard to be a good daughter and could never succeed. I did not understand then that I would NEVER be a good daughter in her mind because that was her game. I was always the peacemaker between mom and dad, mom and my brother, mom and whoever. I developed migraines and ulcers. After I got married and moved away she still terrorized me. The sound of the phone ringing made me jump through the ceiling and left me shaking when I got married I was also the barrier between my mom and my husband. She resented me getting married. She resented that his parents loved me. She always tried to start fights and make me decide between him and her. It was relentless. At the age of 38 I had a grand mal seizure out of nowhere. Out of every test known to man, they said it was due to extreme stress. I got cou selling and all kinds of things poured out of me. I felt it all happened, I was treated like I was treated because I was a bad person. My counselor wanted to know what I thought was so bad about me... and I now realize how superficial these “faults” were. That they were things that most people dealt with me to me they were fatal flaws. Like I was not worthy of the air I breathed. And I sobbed saying how I really wanted to be a better person so that things things didn’t happen. When I was better, it would stop. I had never spoken about the things my mom said to me or what she did to me because I thought I deserved it and I felt I was speaking ill of a good parent. When I finally shard to my counselor what had gone on, he looked at me and asked why I thought I deserved that. And I said because I was a bad person. Why else would a parent do that. Eventually we spoke of narcissism and that I needed to set up boundaries and if necessary, cut off contact. During the seizure that I had. I didn’t breathe for four and a half minutes. It really messed me up for a while. I had to re-train myself to read, and prior to that I was an avid reader I had to re-train myself to read music. Eventually it cane back. I almost died. My counselor told me if I did not make boundaries and if I kept up the relationship as it was, I may not get a second chance should another seizure occur. I tried the boundaries. It didn’t work. It was all of nothing with her. I cut her off. Then my grandmother started calling me. Her friends started calling and harassing me. I tried to talk to her but the abuse would just start up again. So I stopped calling. And in time her friends started calling me again. And then she got sick and my brother and I got harassed constantly about having to see our mom. We were afraid to pick up the phone. We finally spoke to one of them. She was in the hospital and I said the only way I’d speak to her is if I could speak to a counselor first and talk to the counselor about what had happened and how to handle it. This was 2009, and I had lost a good job, was trying to find work, and I did not need to have to deal with mom and her barrage of hate on top of it. I was afraid I’d have another seizure, or something and I could not afford to risk that. So the hospital arranged for my brother and I to talk to a counselor. Guess what? The counselor was a friend of one of my mom’s friends and she told her EVERYTHING that my brother and I discussed. Her friend then yelled at us and told us what terrible people we were to say such things about our mom “who never told a lie in her life”. I do not have the words for the betrayal I felt. I tried to report the counselor for an ethics violation but the hospital just cut us off. Then they threatened us with a restraining order. All my brother and I wanted was to get some help in dealing with our mom. We didn’t want to get shredded to pieces. We were at a vulnerable time in our lives. We were trying to find jobs after the economy crashed. We did not ask for, or want money or help from our mother. We just wanted to be left alone. It was lie she dragged us in and forced us in just so she could continue torturing us.
I’m 58 years old now. My mother ruined my life. Yes, I exist. I have a job. I survived. But I will never have those years back to have my own life. To have confidence. To have a husband because she ruined my marriage as well. Yes, I do have more confidence in myself. But I can’t trust anyone. It’s just me and my dog. What I says here isn’t even the tip of the iceberg. My mother was a monster. I wish I had known about narcissism years ago, and had done whatever I needed to do. I’m glad it’s being spoken about now. If you are young and reading this, and listening watching the video, take heed and do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. Walk away from the narcissist and never look back, while you are young enough to have a life.
Thank you so much. Another great validation 👏
My mom was narsisstic. With my daughter I over corrected.Always telling her how wonderful she was on everything! Now I would say my daughter is like her grandma. What I was trying to do back fired.😢
I was 47. My father, a kind, gentle, and loving man had been dead for 5 years. And it hit me that my mother was and always had been a monster. I never looked back. She is 85 and dying, I hear. I dont wish suffering, but I will not see her again. I believe she tried to poison me to death when I was 3.
i feel your pain. when i was going through my divorce, my father (divorced from my mother decades ago) was dying of ALS slowly and horribly. we already buried 2 brothers in consecutive years prior. my twisted mother sent a letter addressed on the outside to me, but it was written to my father. it was a horrible attack on him and his children, but vailed in concern.
now i know that was a sick smear campaign from a evil monster. she is in her late 70’s and still manipulating my last brother to attack me. he is narc psychopath in his own right.
i’m 53 and figuring all this out now. God bless - stay strong.
@@Hugging_Cactus I turn 55 this year. I am stronger and a better person now that I was when I wrote my original post nearly a year ago. Of course I wish that my mother had not been a monster. But there are people in the world who are, and some of them happen to be parents. Call it the luck of the draw, but it happens. Many narcissists are pathological liars, but they lie to no one else like they lie to themselves. Focus on recognizing and purging from yourself any of the awful traits in her which she may have put inside of you. It requires brutally honest introspection. But I do believe that it is the key to healing.
I also think she tried to poison me a few times.
The opposite of love is not hate; it's apathy. I felt nothing when my narc mother died. It wasn't even really a relief, because my siblings still treat me like the 'problem child' even after she was gone. So I have now gone no contact with them, and life just keeps getting better.
Pure Genius. You hit the nail on the head. You fully understand what narcissistic parents do to a child. Then, as adults we have to unravel the crushed soul and begin open up and find our emotional self. Extended family affirms self-loathing and hatred, religious abuse, and we do not know why we hate ourselves, but we do. Adult children do not know it was projected onto us or placed upon us. We think we did it. It takes many years of counseling, psyche classes, and bible studies to try to figure it out. Usually you just stumble onto the answers somehow. The last generations, children were told they were to be seen and not heard.
ICONIC!!! We can make the choice to become survivors and release our victim status. We can’t choose our parents but we can choose ourselves. This video was everything for me, thank you!!!!!!!
My ex husband made my daughter at age 8 write "I will not be a drama queen" 200 times. He made her do that because she stood up for herself. Now, she's afraid to. She'll be 10 next week. I'm fighting to get her away from him.
I hope you two got away from that toxic man
This is how my mother made me feel my whole life I hope my daughter feels how much I love her, I couldn't handle if she ever felt how I feel from my mother. I want my daughter to feel loved, nurtured and protected... eternally
Me too,!
Miss Tery , I too had a narcissistic mother and I have a daughter. We have empathy. They do not. I really believe our daughters will know that.
I'm sure... Your daughter knows you love her with all of your 💕.. No doubt about!!!! Because.... You do!!!!!
I felt the same yet I ended up doing the same harm to my own daughters and son since I didn't understand I was doing it too. We all say many horrible things in anger and believe me when I tell you, in her heart your mother didn't not mean what she said to you....she just didn't understand where her own anger came from. She was hurting inside and said it in anger and maybe she meant it but she was actually saying it to you, meaning it of herself. She was hurting from what she went through as a child too, never forget that! At first I couldn't handle it that my perception of my life, my children growing up with me, was so off to what they would tell me happened, I just couldn't remember those horrible things I said or the way I treated them when I was angry. I was angry a lot but that is leaving since I forgave my parents, now when I can realize how much I was like them I know I have changed because information is power and now I have the power to change for real and have the guts to take that blame away from them and onto myself yet I can also forgive myself because we seriously have no idea what we are doing and how much harm we do unintentionally when we continue the pattern.
They are never happy for you. You don't achieve anything because you deserve it or you worked hard for it. You are nothing. They cannot even see who you are as a person. You are what you can give to them. Win or lose they are never a part of it. They don't feel with you. They don't care how you feel. It is all about how you make them feel. And don't believe that they ever going to change. They don't. I think they don't even deserve our time. It's all wasted with them. Every conversation is a waste of your time. I often think they live in their own head. They live in an internal world. There is no external world for them. Like a computer. They cannot learn and feel by themselves. They don't understand the world. They don't understand people. There is no work in progress. There is a constant emptiness in those people. And it is our job to fill that hole. Nothing more nothing less.
Marco Vermeulen What the hell. This gave me the creeps...you described my parents to a t. This made me feel shock...
Perfectly described my step dad, he claim me if I accomplish something then is right back to putting me down cause of school or not having a girlfriend or cause I haven't moved out yet, he goes back on his word 24/7. Is mentally abusive and has been the devil in my life for the longest then has the nerve to use god to justify his wrong deeds
Soooo true!
Exact description of my mother
@@robdrich8556 It helps if you see them as rabid poodles: cute and you want to love them, but they're deadly.
I once believed that my suffering was a curse but now I understand that with great suffering comes a great breakthrough which some people never experience.
My entire childhood was made up of making a mental list of all the things that i would NEVER do when i was a mother..and it consisted of 'never do that because it hurts'. The physical abuse stopped once i reached her height ( apparently, so she informed me years later, because she was afraid that once i was her height i might turn around and hit her back, cowardly witch, ok to hurt others, but afraid of being hurt herself) and then the verbal and emotional abuse really ramped up in my teens...and then the rest...she finally died when i was 49, and all i've ever felt was relief. She was, according to all who didn't actually have to live with her, a walking paragon of virtue. She wasn't.
This was so relatable it felt like a punch to the stomach.
As a child, I was told many times that my father didn’t want to have kids, but my mother forced him to have my brother and me. My dad always said that he wanted to travel around the world, and not spend his time and money on kids. Also since I was the oldest, whenever something went wrong with us kids, my mother would say that I was older, so I should have known better. We were only 4 years apart. Why was I responsible for every situation?!
The moment you said, "you're just like your father" I started crying. My mother said that to me so often after her divorce, but see...I loved my father dearly. He was a wonderful loving father. Sensitive, caring, protective and solid. I knew right away that she was saying that out of hatred for him, and I wondered what kind of person could EVER hate Daddy? I knew, for a fact, that people really respected and loved him as I did. So why did she hate him so much and why would she hate me, as well? Mind you, I was only 7 years old. One time when she said that, I "sassed" and said, "thank you". She slapped me so hard!
I will never forget her hatred and to this day, I feel unlovable and like an outsider. That I could never be accepted in society - even though I am. My husband says he loves me and so do my children and friends. But it stays with you and it's hard to believe There is always that feeling that you've done something wrong and are about to be punished even though you didn't do anything. And that feeling of never being enough so we overachieve in everything we do and are so hard on ourselves.
I did learn something from that, though. I looked to marry someone like my father, and I did.
My husband is kind, loving, responsible, caring, strong, solid, funny and a gentle soul. We have been married almost 41 years, now, and have raised 4 beautiful children that we love so very much. I also learn what kind of mother NOT to be - exactly like you said!
Thank you for saying these things and for making this video. I am 60 years old sitting here typing through my tears because THIS was the very first video I've ever seen that hit SO OMG close to home! God bless you, dear. You are so beautiful. Thank you for your wisdom ❤
This is totally my mother. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not crazy.
Bawling my eyes out. I was raised with narcissistic parents.😭
Karen Thornton it's nice though you aren't alone
So Sorry babe. 🙁
God I could still hear the pain in your voice from what your mom said... And I have been through the same
Kelli R. Morris n
The trouble is Nina, you will always hear the same until you heal and your Mother heals too. We all are connected and your mother had this done to her too. We have to stop the blame to heal. We have to learn they are not Evil they just didn't realize they were harmed so badly too. We repeat the pattern until we understand what it is we are doing. There is no way to escape but there is a way to heal.. stop being the victim and start healing. Forgiveness is the only way. I am not a Bible type...or religious but I read some of the Bible and there was a part that said...Forgive us our trespasses as We forgive others. Forgive them Father for they know not what they do!! :)
@@forgetfamily3754 Sorry if this sounds rude to you, but that doesn't make any sense. If a person has hurt you really bad but doesn't acknowledge how they hurt you, you don't have to forgive them. It won't make any difference if you forgive them or not - as long as they don't recognize how they effed up your life, there is only one way and that is breaking up with them. Otherwise, they will keep hurting you for the rest of your life. A narcissistic person feeds on your empathy. You can't heal as long as you keep in touch. Also, it is NOT the child's responsibility to take care of any damage that has been done to their parent in the past.
Forget Family : I agree forgiveness is part of healing and moving forward. However, forgiveness doesn’t necessarily include reconciliation or re entry into a victim’s life. Especially if the perpetrators refuse to accept ownership of their actions and make reasonable efforts to modify their behavior, including consulting with mental health professionals.
@@forgetfamily3754 day no,it's called choice, between good Anna evils,,
A MILLION thumbs up, Michele! God is mightily using you to heal!
This video made me cry and very sad and I am soooo sorry that you and anyone else reading this had to deal with a narc Parent. Being a Mother myself I can't even wrap my head around making your child(ren) feel this way. I want everyone to know you are amazing they are the sick people and you never deserved feeling this way you needed to feel Love acceptance Safe and Beautiful inside and out and that your Mother is and was Proud of you and Completly Blessed because they had you as a Child!!!!
This made me choke up. Comments like these really help. Darkness descends on all of us who had Narcissistic Parents, like a cloud it can linger for years. Finding out, you suffer an ongoing grieving process, Thank you for your comment and love. And love to you too.
you had me until the mother part, my parents started swinging and momster came down to tell me they were going out to dinner with friends...
the next day she apologized for forgetting my birthday...
Michele, you are a saint. I wouldn't be able to talk about how my parents treated me as a kid/teen without becoming emotional. Props to you for talking about it calmly and knowing how to overcome it.
My mother, literally over my father's deathbed, said to my siblings and me that, "she wanted her husband but not his children." I am with a good therapist for PTSD that I have from living with my narcissistic/violent mother. I am 60 and am healing. That is because I have had no contact with her and choose to take responsibility for my pain. It is HARD to be the child of a narcissistic mother, but healing is possible!! Blessings to you all.
I'm very sorry. I now know something like that.
God bless you ❤️❤️❤️
no offense but you and your Siblings need to pack your things except maybe Electronics. and run far away !
You are an amazing young woman. I’m so sorry your mom was a narc and treated you so awful. You are a beautiful person and thank you for sharing your story.
My mother would be intrusive, and then defensively say, "I'm only asking a question."
Another type of envy/competition I feel is instilled in kids at a young age is when parents compare their former child-selves to their current offspring. "ohhh at your age I didn't/did do this/that" Things like: "Why are you failing this class? At your age I excelled in school!" "At your age, I wasn't that fat!" "What is WRONG with you? At your age, I knew better." etc. etc.
Yes, thanks for Your insight. 100% correct. This is what they do.
My mom would try that with me as a teen. I would tell her that that was a personal problem
I was raised with a narcissistic father & a selfish mother. I used to often caught myself doing this to my 12 year old son until one day while him & I were having a heated argument he blurted out that mom you said you were an empath but you’re acting like the narcissist. I had to look into myself after that. I love my baby boy, he’s so much smarter than his years.
@Helena Gentlegirl if I knew what I do now I'd ask to see these children
@Helena Gentlegirl oh I know it wasn't. I just wish I knew that then
"I love you because you're my daughter... But.." OMG 😔 Hadn't thought of that in ages.
My Mom taught me I didn’t matter! She taught me that other’s came before me, especially if it would interrupt her happiness/plan. Even as an adult she invalidates my feelings or experiences. So, after years of this I finally got my power back and I have designed the relationship I have with her. She’s has always been emotionally abusive, and I thank God for delivering me from the spirit of obligation. I’m ok with my relationship with my Mother being surface level only, because that’s all I can give her, and all she’s ever been capable of and now I finally understand that and I’m set free! :). GOD is good!
I hope god can save me too, if I can wait for that day.
@delightful heights Thank you🥺 I'm still going on but in a pessimistic mode. Cannot find the solution to tackle this difficult situation. Don't know if the way I'm walking is right or wrong...
This the one right here!
100% this resonates with me, my mother is also like this, she has always treated me as if I don't matter
The Spirit of Obligation 👏
You're a very beautiful person inside and out, it sounds like you've gone through alot. Keep on shining. These videos are very helpful - thank you x
She's probably covert. With all respect.
I would wake up in the morning and literally say to myself, "Ok, what's going to happen today?" Enough, Let's get over it. No Contact & Start putting myself 1st. :-)
I have an abusive father who, when I was younger beat me up regularly.. his response after doing so was, “I did it because I love you, I don’t want to see you doing bad things”.
bruh i have a mom who does the same thing, that woman whips me with cables
You just described my mother so well. I made the mistake of pointing out to her what she does, and was met with rage and gasliting. Trying to become financially independent despite her trying to stop it to escape from her.
You nailed it. The narcissistic mother's favorite weapon of control is trying to keep you from driving. Mine sabotaged my education while pretending to be really concerned and telling everyone "she won't let me help her!" She has been dead over a decade and I still fantasize about resurrecting her and beating her to death.
I hope you get away from her one day and have the best life, you deserve to be happy and love in peace✌🏼💗
You know that family bond is screwed up if you have to deal with personalities you would never otherwise nvm be friends with. And if you've known someone all your life but still don't feel close, that says alot.
Chris I have a bipolar 2 mother and a narcissistic sister. I am very scared with the abuse from both of them. My husband (now deceased) helped me to love myself.
Yes!!! I love my mother because she is my mother but I dislike her as a person
Exactly how I feel
could be a victim of abuse too lol
Christine Kleinschmidt You lost the only person who helped you and you remained alone with the persons who harm you. This unfairness of life is something I have never understood. I have recently lost a good relative and remained with a narc relative. Had I've been asked, I would've changed them in a second. The only good thing a narc can do is to reincarnate. During the present life he ia stuck at a primitive level. He could very well life 300 years - he would never change and evolve one bit. I feel no remorse for regreting that good people don't live longer on the expense of narcs.
Someone who even had a good enough mother will never fully comprehend what it was like to live like this. One example for me is my NM always said she hated my father, he was an evil hateful man. Then when I didn't do right by her, she said I was just like my father. You can guess what I interpreted this to mean. It took me 48 years to realize she was the evil hateful one. Thank goodness through therapy I woke up. Now she says that my therapist brainwashed me!! Lol
Karen Turner They’re never at fault! 😡
Karen Turner Lolol!! My mother told me the same about my father! And it turns out he is a sensible,sweet man.Like,mind bugging!
My husband was the first person in her life who stood up to her and fought back. I didn't even realise for quite some time that her behaviour was not normal. I finally noticed and have gone low contact. Apparently my husband brainwashed me and turned me against her with his lies about her. She never did anything wrong and has always had my best interests at heart.
I fear my husband triangulated my son to fear disgust and disrespect for me. Subtle digs. Ugly camouflaged in sweetness and feigned concern and love. And the child thinks he is not loved by his mother.
@@lanahenry8113 your husband is phlagmatic and you sound cholaric. You should study your traits and behavior instead of blaming him.
You have just described my mother, my life. I thought I was alone. No one believed me, her sickness was always in the dark..thank you.
I still can't believe I used to think this behavior was normal. I used to think everyone treated their kids this way. The media did not help this belief as everywhere you look manipulative and over bearing parents are normalized. But it's not okay. I am so grateful for videos like these because they help educated me. I want this family narcissist cycle to stop with me. I want to grow and be healthy mentally. Sending hugs to anyone who needs one!
I never understood why my mother never lived me , why I see the contempt and hostility in her eyes, but now I do. Thankyou Michele for being a survivor of narcissistic abuse and for sharing your personal experience.
She straight told me once "that i needed to change everything about myself, and theres nothing good about me when I was like 17." I was confused for like 25 years because I had food, clothes, a roof and rules. I just wished I could go back un a time machine and tell myself, "it's not your fault, hang in there" and what to look out for. She still tries to tell me I'm a bad person. I never bought it, but she has convinced a large number of family members.
Trinada TV Why do you still bother with any of them? Turn your back and disown the lot. "No contact" is the best gift you can give yourself.
My aunts were always telling my mom & I that I was such a bad child. & Telling her to beat me & get me in line. She died. A narcissist aunt that has a very similar personality. It's her job to tell everybody how terrible I am. No contact since 2018.
I feel you, my mother always told me that I have to change my "attitude" just because I confront her with the truth.
You’re not alone. At 40 I finally woke up and realized wait it’s by me ! It’s my parents! Sending prayers and healing.
You are the first person who I have heard who has communicated this so well. I had the same thing. It took me so much longer to catch on. I did learn to be the opposite type of parent and to end the cycle. My children are grown and I'm enjoying healthy and loving relationships.
Marie Brown thanks for commenting , this gives me hope. I am a new mom and I worry so much that I’m going to be just like my mother because of the saying “we become our parents.”
I love my mom and she did her best but I hope so badly that mine and my daughter’s relationship is the opposite and that she is able to come to me for anything without feeling judgment or ridicule. My mom criticized everything I did from day one and to this day I can’t share everything. I make the mistake in telling her and she always has something to say. If I don’t do what she wants even though I’m a grown woman, it’s like she withholds her love. I would never want to do that to my own daughter. It scares me.
You'll be a great mom and you won't repeat your mom's mistake because you know how it feels. Be tough and don't allow her to try to bully your baby as she grows. Wishing you lots of joy!
My favorite line was always from my sister. "We always loved you no matter how awful you were."
Inconsistent normality which made my mother seem even more crazy.
I never heard it said this way before...emotional starvation, those words hit the nail right on the head for me...that's what i suffered with my whole life and I never felt good enough no matter what I did and I feel as if I was the scapegoat in a family of 6 siblings and my 3 brothers and 3 sisters always projected onto me their unwanted emotional feelings...what does a small child do with that? yes my mother would throw me under the bus then become upset when I could not figure out how to stand-up for myself...then it was shame...why cant you figure out how to make your mother look good at all cost's...my Dad would call everyone worthless and you will never amount to anything...on my journey to wholeness...healing my inner child...it is a lifelong process...
Me too! I can't wait to get to see a counselor on January 29th! I just landed the job of my lifetime and EVERYTHING is starting to fall into good places. Have you seen Dr. Les Carter's videos? He's the best in the field of understanding and explaining this problem. Although, I will say, that this young lady having had a Narc parent is AMAZING!!! God bless us on our journey to wholeness!
'You're just like your mother/father' know those lines all too well 🙄
Yes. Ever wish you'd replied "If it's such a bad thing to be just like my father, why did you marry him?"
I have heard that so much from my mother and I have said to her why the fuck did you have children with him. We have proper blazing rows at times, just crack up eventually from all her games.
My mom says that to me very often
K Bear Same here, especially at a young age I was often told I was just like my father and honestly thank God because he has more common sense and is level headed while my mom, who’s in her late 60’s,still complains about bad things that happened to her decades ago and can’t enjoy the present moment.
Hmhmhmh yes 😭😭. My mom tells me and my sis that 'we dunno how 2 be alone'
My mom used to say the same thing to me growing up, "I love you, but I really don't like you right now". As an adult I always thought, "what a strange thing to say to a child".
that's at least something, both of my parents never said that they love me, and never hugged me. they only gave me daily dose of criticism. but, on the bright side, I won't be sad when they die.
That saying is a MASSIVE RED FLAG of a narc.
Unconditional love...zero conditions.
@@democratictotalitariansoci1462 What a comment. If you had made this comment two years ago before i swamped myself in knowledge about narcissism, i would have thought HOW CAN YOU NOT BE UPSET AT THE FUNERAL OF A LOVED FAMILY MEMBER...
..BUT I GET IT NOW.
I had freckles as a kid, mom would lie to me saying that if I would put cream on my face they would go away. I never thought of my freckles as ugly until she said that. She would make different herb rinses for me to wash my face and say it would get rid of my freckles. They never dissapeares. It was like I wasnt pretty enough to be her daughter. She once told me: I feel like the way you look on the outside is not really you. Aluding that I am prettier on the inside than on the outside. How am I supposed to have a healthy self image when my own mother didnt accept my appearance since I can remember...
@waki That's not necessarily anything in any good way. My relatives, for example, know well that regular smug preemptive "I LoVe YoU" recitations followed by any number of embedded barbs set a framing of "I said I Love You so what follows must be considered to be from a place of love, and I get dibs on that now, so if you don't like what comes next then you're coming from a place of hate and choosing to be a hateful person, and choosing the consequences of choosing hate".
It's an insult and a threat of violence, with plastic hearts and bows. Sophisticated narcissists master the dark art of BS, where nothing necessarily actually is what the blissfully ignorant outside observers of the Special Wonderful Family assume at face value.
I actually am literally surrounded by narcissistic people. They’re everywhere. In my family. Both my mom and dad, brothers, etc. I realize, I do need to take my life back and choose to go after what makes me happy. So long I’ve been saying horrible things to myself. I’m unlovable, unlikable, unwanted. Well, I’m unwanted for sure. I’m not loved by anyone except one person. My husband. What you said makes total sense. Time to start cheerleading myself with what is good about me. Of course I’m not perfect by any means. I’ve been living in the dark shadows and being terrified to live, as it’s been implied I have no right to succeed, feel happy, or escape my emotional prison I’ve been in since I was so little. I keep on trying to fix what I never broke. I’m the black sheep of the family. I’m unloved by them, unvalued, I’m the scape goat. My feelings are never validated. There is no empathy. I want to give my hubby/children what I never got. Unconditional love, support, compassion, empathy. They are my life. It’s so difficult to even come near the waters surface for air, when I’ve been suffering for so long. I’ve been neglected by everyone. I need to find me. The real me that got murdered so long ago. Thanks so much! My life script won’t be fixed overnight but if I really try hard, i will begin to heal. It seems as though the heavens are screaming to me, no more time to waste my child! You can heal now. No more believing the lies you were told about yourself! Time to live, be who God made me to be. A creative, artistic, music loving compassionate, loving empathic person. I want to love and be loved for real! No more fakers. Real love, real deep healthy connections with others. Hopefully I can trust again and of course learn to trust myself.
IsisTheBeautifulGoddess WOW this is amazing! Ty for sharing-this is MY life you’re talking about! You start thinking and others WILL point it out “how could EVERYONE around me be crazy ? That’s not possible so it must truly be ME that’s crazy/bad. But you’re REALLY REALLY GOOD”! Right? Omgsh-yes! You got this woman! Put yourself first-healing you first💙🙏🏻💙God Bless
IsisTheBeautifulGoddess... I wish you all the self-love you can handle!! Claim your inner fairy bliss!! Channel your joy!! You are Divine!
"If you have issues with everyone, everyone is not the issue." -Truth
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www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage.htm
< I keep on trying to fix what I never broke. > SPOT ON! that's entirely correct. It's good to know there are others who are working through the same difficult issues that I've been struggling with for years and years.
My belief for my entire life is that something is wrong with me and that's why people despise me. I thought that if I could find what I did wrong, I could make other people like me. I was constantly looking why I seemed incapable to make friends. I thought maybe I was acting weird, maybe I had Asperger syndrome, maybe I looked strange or the choice of clothes I made weirded people out, I talked too little or too much. I felt like I am just not a real human being. I thought if I did only a tiny mistake others would hate me for it.
Now I start to believe I just never made the next step. I couldn't see friendship and compassion when others gave it to me freely, I didn't dare ask for a date, a job, a meeting over a cup of coffee. So I stayed alone and others probably believed I simply didn't like them because I never dared to ask or reciprocate anything. I thought I was being intrusive for even just asking someone how they are (I am absolutely serious). I was aware that other people had plans on the weekend. I was aware others had best friends, girlfriends and family members who helped them (for example) move. I even helped others do that. Several times I helped from 7 to 10. Today, more than a decade later I wonder why I didn't ask any of these people for help. I did it all myself, not even daring to hire a company. I wonder why I worked in market research at a hotline where I explained complex studies to customers, later built a team around this and led it, never once had to write a CV after my university, why I so deeply believed that I had no social skills and no one could ever like me. I wonder why I spent my weekends at home alone never asking anyone whether they had time, never asking the women out who had winked at me (!), or done something else that I thought was meant to get my attention (I believed I must have been wrong when I saw things like that, even though I could reliably predict from the body language when couples would find each other). I spent my entire life believing I could only be an intrusive nuisance when I would ask someone if they wanted to spend time with me. So I almost never did. This sounds so weird when I read it.
Now (today) at 36, I start questioning that behaviour. This video seems to ty it together. The projection of evil on the child by my narcissistic father. There is no dark spot on my forehead which everyone else can see.
Thank you so much. Now I am going to figure out what I feel, whether it's fear, sadness or excitement or something else. And what I want. Scary to think so selfishly.
I know how hard is to change our thinking habits. If your parent installed into you a negative self esteem you will always criticise yourself for anything but you can overcome it. I hope you will succeed. Try a therapy. Good luck xx
Der Aua YES!! I never stood up for myself because deep down I felt I deserved it, felt like any self worth was just fake... even though tests showed it wasn’t. The early programming you get trumps everything. I am extremely intelligent and so I made these things that much more complicated and unreachable. So really IQ doesn’t matter much except that now I can use it to overcome the more complicated obstacles I have made for myself. Good luck and be thankful for psychology and good people who help you with this 😎❤️🧘♀️
Der Aua You have great self-insight! Cheers to recovery and stepping out to foster new friendships.
I felt the same way, like I was a terrible person who would make people miserable by my presence because that's what I was told every day growing up. They programmed me to feel guilty for being alive and that I deserved nothing.
Emotional starvation and disdain. Recipe for ruining kids. My brother drank himself to death and I struggle daily to be happy and healthy. Neither of us had kids nor successful relationships. Thank you for these videos. Recently I’ve been going through all the things my mother projected onto me that I believed for so long. When I acknowledge that all those things were actually what she denied about herself and projected onto me, it all makes sense. The healing is difficult and lifelong. The early trauma set me up for repeated narcissistic relationships and trauma. I just learned a few years ago that I’ve had lifelong CPTSD. I’m 60 and went NC with both parents a few years ago and my healing is finally accelerating.
after they mess you up, they tell people on the "outside", "oh, she has no confidence". What th?: it's a good thing i can see through that!
thank you & you are a beautiful person.
Wow. Listening to this I grew up with two narcissistic parents. And I was the one that got the hell. Your so right, it took me 39 years to realize that I chose to accept that. That’s just how the are. They got so upset when I took stance and I told them I’m no longer anyone punching bag. You don’t control me nor the way I see myself. Your not in control, learn to control yourself.
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Sometimes I feel so guilty because I was in the same boat except I didn't get the hell. I did well in school and sports so I think they loved the respect they vicariously got through me but each one of my siblings got hell because they couldn't measure up. My little sister gets the absolute worst. They call her dumb, stupid, prostitute almost every day and she is just a typical 20 year old who is only months from moving out. I'm so sorry you've been on the receiving end so undeservingly.
Then a silent treatment for years.
Go Girl Go! X
That last sentence ever too powerful.Learn To Control Yourself.
The pain and suffering in your eyes and voice in this video speaks volumes to me. I do not know if we can ever get rid of the deep seated pain of being raised by people who were unfit to raise us but I have faith that it is possible. Seeing how this post is over a year old and your recent videos show such growth and positive change in you that I have faith I can be fully healed by the trauma I endured as a child and young adult. Thank you so much for speaking out and becoming an advocate. I hope I have the strength to become one as well as I move forward in my healing.
Your last part about "finding out who you are" is why I am changing my name. It's just been a little while but I already feel that it's helping
I like that idea of changing your name. What a great way to take back your life and your sense of self!
there was a line i hear that echoed my step mother. She said, "You're hard to love." i did believe that but i figured its her way of saying she hates me.
Kaminari Farron that’s mean & totally untrue. some1 said that to her! being kind is easy & free. i’m here if you ever want to talk 💞
The catch is that she could only love herself. Since you were not her, she was totally unable to love you. There is a method to this madness. Always.
Mine was saying that I have bad character and no husband would stay w me. Lol. It’s idiotic of her
I ended up with asthma symptoms because my mom would punch me in the stomach for breathing into my torso. I was supposed to breathe into my chest so that I could get male attention. I couldn't even breathe right for that woman.
goverlord I had asthma as a kid and couldn’t even have an asthma attack without bothering her. She said I breathed too loud it wasn’t attractive and she’d make me stay away because the sound of my wheezing was too much for her. Smh.
It's horrible to be raised like that
goverlord Omgsh! This hurt my stomach to read! Forget her! Stupid people-
how horrible is that ! I hope you can free your mind and feel at peace with time, you deserve it
goverlord omg! How are these people able to have children?!
To say this gets hardwired is the understatement of the year. I can attest that there are mothers who do say the most horrifying, sadistic things to their daughter. It’s too bad it took me 56 years to finally figure out what the hell was going on in my life.
Deborah Green Eggs & Ham Great to hear I am not alone in the length of time to realize it. I mean, I knew she was Jekyll and Hyde, recovering alkie - dry drunk, which I thought was her problem, but Whoa! My Caretaking compulsion, knowing that was my purpose no matter what, kept me fighting and taking her abuse till she died with only me there holding her hands. I only felt a stunned relief when her heart stopped. My journey back to reality began that day.
Better later than never.....Seems like we all have our cross.
I have a question...Were you proud of yourself that you did not become abusive to her?? I was proud of my self that I never became abusive to her. But one day a month or so before she died, she looked me right in the face and said " I really wish I had of had more children" It went all over me, and I said.."You know for once in your life Im going to have to be good enough, because Im all you have.There is no one else" She said why did that upset you? They never get it...Never.......she was superior and abusive to the end.
Andrea Danford Proud? I don't know if I'd use that word . I was doing what I expected of myself. I was the one who took care of things when she couldn't She was a recovering alcoholic who hadn't jad a drink in many years, but lots of rage still. I really thought I loved her a lot, but I see now how much I took fm her. She was very abusive to her Dad when he got old. I felt so bad for jim when he was in the seniors home. I went on my own after I saw her treat jim like a child. Funny how we remember those things No, I treated her well & kept her happy .
*hugs*
This explains why I am the way I am now. I'm still a minor and I still have to live with my parents (they're separated and live in different places), and it really sucks that they don't seem to care about my emotional and mental needs. It hurts.
My mom always said that to me!! “ YOURE MY DAUGHTER AND I HAVE TO LOVE YOU BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN I LIKE YOU!!!”
Astral Flux SAME!!!
Astral Flux yeah my step mom said the same thing about me to several other people..... she’s still a twat even to this day.
Same lol.
Today she said to me "the best thing you could've ever done for me is not be in my LIFE ! How about that ? I'd love for you to not be here"
I replied by telling her that if she didn't open her legs at the age of 18 and hoe around, I wouldn't have to be here.
Astral Flux ......I was the youngest of 4 siblings.....my whole family was narcissists. Being the youngest, I didn’t know better at a very young age.....they all said the same abusive phrases to me......”Respect your elders!”.....”Don’t do as I do-do as I say!”......and so on. Being the youngest and outnumbered, I believed all of the horrible programming they were all filling my head with. My brother said to me; “I hate you as a person-but love you as a sister.” This really messed with my head! This, along with all of the other crappy things they said to me, made me feel like I was faulty....inferior.....broken.....less than....as a human being.
I have nothing to do with them anymore. I am still working to put my past behind me.....I am in my 60’s. All I can say about them at this point is, what effing assholes!
Astral Flux OMG!!!! MY MOTHERS EXACT WORDS!!!
My mom would say all those things to me.... I have social anxiety now because of this. I’m a young adult and I’m trying to get over it but it’s extremely hard.
@Ingrid Weiner chill that's his/her mom you are talking about lmao
I had the same problem and i realized that if i thought about all the positive traits i would like to have and presented myself to others as having those traits and treating myself as my own best friend that it was a lot easier. Its like having a shield so you don't feel so exposed to other people. The best part is when you understand that you really do have all the positive traits you admire in others, theyve been there all along. It helps to be a little detatched from the social interaction but not closing yourself off. Soon you will see that people like you just the way you are when given the chance to get to know you. Those that reject you are usually the ones you wouldnt want in your life anyway.
Hi Cophii, I have found many guided meditation videos on TH-cam, and they are great. They have positive meditation to listen to in the morning and guided positive meditation for you before sleep. What you think about before you go to sleep, whether positive or negative, is what stays in your brain's subconscious; so try to keep it positive. The practice she mentions of telling yourself 3 things you like about yourself, or if you're proud of yourself because of how you handled something makes a HUGE difference in your anxiety. Your Mom didn't love you, but I am a Christian woman, and whether or not I know you, I do love you ❤ and many people who see your comment love you too!!!
I'm going to the same situation here... I left home and I'm trying to fit in society but I can never feel like I belong anywhere, I can never feel like I'm going to be enough for anyone... It's really complicated!!
Go to Quora those people will help you over come this.
My mother loved telling me one day how much I was like my father's mother. And then the next day she'd tell me how much she hated, you guessed it, my father's mother. Thanks Mom!
What a legendary mother. Shameful..
Same here! My narc mom demonised my father's parents and made me believe how i was like my father's father and my brother my father's mother (btw my father and his parents are also narcissistic)........ It feels good to relate with people who have gone through the same thing
That's a Shameful thing for a mother to say! Like you couldn't figure out what she was saying! I pray that you are healing~
Same here😣
I was lazy and worthless and lacked a sense of humor, just like my father! No need to add later on that she hated him, she'd abandoned me with him for about 3 years, from when I was 2 through 5, and when we reappeared ans took me to live with her and her new man, oh, I meant her "husband" that she never married, at that point, it was clear to anyone around that I was lazy, slightly autistic, not the sharpest knife in the drawer and had no sense of humor, like the father (the father that she chose to marry and have a child with, not me!).
Is this really only going to end the day one of us is gone? 😕
Great video. TY. Note: It's not just mothers. There are narcissistic fathers who engage in the same parenting behaviors.