Why It's Hard To Gain Self Esteem
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ก.พ. 2025
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Having good parents is a blessing
@@bratc massive understatement. So many of life's problems stem from bad parents. I think the key to world peace is good parents. I'm not saying parents need to be perfect, but if all parents gave unconditional love, affection, support (not spoil, just a healthy lever) the world would be a better place 🙏
Honestly this is why people who don't want to be parents should not be pressured to have children.
@@maam-yj8phThey shouldn't be made do anything just on principle. But the irony there is that the more educated, emotionally intelligent, self aware people etc have less children, whereas people who think less and do more..
Having both parents is a blessing.
@@erickgarza3370 I think when you have shit parents, it is better to have no parents. The worst thing about having no parents is they are just empty roles in your mind instead of bringing in so many terrible memories and impacts on you.
What started as a fear of reprimands from my parents for stuff like bad grades and talking back has turned into a chronic fear of failure in work and dating, avoidant tendencies, and an inability to handle emotional discomfort. I don’t even feel like my childhood was that bad lol. Definitely agree with what Dr. K said about therapy “undoing the gaslighting” of childhood experiences
I can relate. I too had a fear of repremands and talking back in my household was discouraged. It was hard to do things because it would be considered wrong without explanation or failure meant the end of the world because it was treated as the end of the world. I barely had a say in things and couldn't voice opinions because most of my opinion was not considered. I couldn't even have a true conversation with various opinions without someone only valuing their's.
Thank you for sharing your story, for it has helped me reflect on my own and understand it.❤
Reformulate your thoughts around those past experiences, and be conscious about how those may reflect in your current behavior, then formulate ideas about how you would like to react instead and make a plan to apply those new desired behaviors.
With repetition and practice, you will rewire your brain and yourself to be a person who enjoys life and it's capable of being and expressing your true self. Best of wishes.
many such cases.
@@Renee11123 same. It reaches a point when you close yourself, shut off the world. And start doing things in secret, thank god or my luck that I enjoyed fantasy, reading and painting, and didn't touch drugs.
But still, it feels HARD, it feels as if I dont love my parents and family, because I had to close them off so early on. They are not my friends, nor have my confidence. It is pretty s8ht feealing.
I have developed a "cure" for this that did in some sessions more than a lot of talking about did. You meditate for a while. Then you will imagine this: you go down a dark set of stairs, after going down some floors you will reach a door, you enter that room and there is a projector, the projector is playing one of your "embarrassing" memories, as you remember it, that time you miss spoke or spill coke on the floor or something like that, you let it play, from a third person point of view, you will realize it is not as big of a transgressions as you remember. Now, you will stand up, and you will walk towards the screen, right after everything happens, and your past self is alone, you will enter the screen and you will walk to your past self, you will sit with them and talk about, like a good older brother would, you will treat your past self like you will treat a person you love. That's all. Why does this work? The brain doesn't really differentiate real memories from imagined ones, you are rewriting events in your memory, and you are giving your trauma perspective, but more importantly, you are treating yourself with the same care you treat others, and maybe, realizing you are worthy of that.
Have a nice day.
As a child, I was taught that excellence is normal, expected and not noteworthy; and that mistakes mean that I'm bad in some way.
imagine being in a performance culture, especially when actually performing. some teachers are assholes. You don't need to be perfect but the closer you are the more results you see
Same. Excelence was a given, but mistakes were magnified out of proportion 😤
Yep, it’s like we had to prove ourselves and anything less than excellence meant we were worthless, failures, etc… but the weird thing is that this was never spoken in my family. Somehow it was just there.
Father was also very verbally and emotionally abusive so he would insult us on endless rants whenever he felt like raging. 🤦♀️
Wow SAME. Perfectionism, procrastination and low self esteem were a obvious result
this. never a “good job!”, always a “why only 99/100?” ESPECIALLY when you see friends’ parents hyping them up and can’t help but wish sb would hype you up as well
"Therapy is about undoing the gaslighting" 👍
But a lot of therapists will still gaslight you?
@anika_h Yeah, gaslight the gaslighting... I guess this is how it works 😅
I didn’t understand- was he referring to parents who build up your self esteem as being gaslighters? Or parents who put you down and don’t support you as being gaslighters?
@@saimayousuf The ones who put you down. Gaslighting is usually a negative connotation. In this video, he means you were gaslight by being taught your feelings/experiences didn't matter in some way (to put it simply). So in therapy, you could say they're "gaslighting" you to believe your thoughts and feelings DO matter, but that's a good thing so it doesn't really matter
For god sake, that is by FAR the best explanation about self-esteem i've ever heard.
@@rafaelmachadodecourt8885 dr K is summing up decades of self introspection and psychological understanding on his channel. Amazing understanding of humans.
@@rafaelmachadodecourt8885 exactly!
Lol. Except it's not really tru. I worked hard for my own self esteem. That's the lousiest thing to rely on others for it
@@artofmybody2882You spent months gaslighting yourself into having it (and a Lot of people do that, and it's okay). Normal people in normal conditions get it from its environment. That's the point
@@Faber779 nope. Put in effort. Changed my perceptions. Life felt Different. Friends Changed. So I wouldn't call that gaslighting. U put in effort and your life improves, just like anything else u work on.
Self esteem comes from knowing yourself, your capabilities.. weaknesses.. putting in effort to overcome challenges..
These may not work if someone is in an abusive environment..
But some of us just had low middle class or for various reasons less respectable families.. and requires personal effort to feel good about yourself.
All my school reports said I lacked confidence / low self esteem . As an adult I realised my parents had no confidence in me as they had been shown none themselves . They couldn't teach what they didn't know about . Anyway ,re parenting myself is really helping !! Literally be your own cheerleader .
"Re parenting myself" oh my gosh THIS is exactly what it feels like undoing all the bad parenting lol. I swear poorly-parented should be a word with how many problems it continues to cause us as adults
@@webbedshadow2601 I didn't really understand this "re parenting " concept until I had a cycle in the dark at 5am across a major city with my bike packing gear . I literally had to speak to myself very nicely and kindly to give me the confidence to do it , vocalising lots of words of encouragement ! I was like , oh my gosh ,this it what it is !!
They probably were narcisstic
This is exactly what I went through!!! They didn't receive that from their parents, both my mom and my dad, so that's how I was raised. They are good people, but they want things to be their own way. They have a high level of narcissism (as all of us humans have), but I was able to teach them how to treat and respect me. It was definitely not easy, we had very heated arguments, but they learned with me fighting for myself and demanding respect, cause they used to think that because they are my parents they can do, treat me and say whatever they want to, but they're wrong. Re-parenting myself is what made me grow and learn lots of stuff and made me persevere and win in life. I feel sooo far behind other people, but I recognize I didn't have their parents, so I try to be easy with myself
Could you guys give some advice on how to re-parent myself? I can't afford therapy.
My parents are a mess. Therapy and friends are a blessing
This actually made me cry. I have been told all my life, even by those that care about me, that my low-self esteem is my own fault. That I just need to stop thinking negatively, meditate more, not dwell on it, and fake it til I make it. Ever since transitioning to male, I have experienced this "suck it up," mentality even more than usual.
This is genuinely the first time I have heard someone articulate that these feelings are not my fault, but rather the fault of people who denied me support when I needed it most. I've gotten words of comfort, and reassurance. I've gotten "what you're thinking isn't true, you're just depressed. Just stop listening to the bad voice in your head."
But not once has someone just blatantly said, "the way you think about yourself is not your fault." This one statement has done more to make me genuinely feel better than anything else. Thank you.
yeah. :( “just stop listening to the bad voice in your head” but that voice came from somewhere. it’s the voice of people who put you down and criticized you when you were young. self criticism didn’t originate within you, it was internalized after being taught.
@@softsmolflower Wow! You said it beautifully 👏👏.
So a lot of self esteem can come from others. If someone says you look like you will feel like you look nice. If you think you look nice and then somone says what are you wearing??? That will crush your self esteem. We all as kids think we are the bees knees! The king of the world. The best kid ever. And then you put up your hand at school and the class laughs at your answer and you start ti realise that you're not the center of the universe. You're not the smartest best ever kid... you find out your shoes aren't real Nike they are knock off. You find out the toy you love is not cool. You find out so much about where you are in the world by others. It always bugs me if somone judges a child. And so many " nice" people do. They have husbands jobs cars house and they see a kid from a poor family..a child...and they treat them different. I go out of my way to see somone who maybe haas thinning hair or they have a limp or they have bad skin and just give them a compliment. I have self esteem and I know I am lucky to have that and that I've managed to hold onto that is lucky. So when there are kids who are poor I always like to big them up. Or naughty kids or bold rude kids. Cos obviously their parents didn't teach them manners ....so I'll find the positive and just give them a big compliment. And the way the face lights up that somone noticed their hair cut or noticed that they're walking well now or that even if they're being a rude child they have some other quality. Smart ..or if they're not smart ill say you are so well mannered....its those little boosts that people need. But depressed people can be a black hole for those compliments. They are so down on themslves that any positivity that you give them they don't appreciate. If somone I trying to give you a compliment by telling you you are OK. Take it. It sounds like you've had compliments but maybe don't trust them. It's nobodies fault you have low self esteem. Pepple contribute to that sure. But ultimately its your responsibility to take the compliments people give you. And to give them to yourself. Just as you take critisisms. But ultimately nobody can give you what you do not take. And its not a blame game.
@@Padraigp I get where you are coming from and I want to make it clear that I am speaking from a very specific experience: for a lot of people who experience physical, sexual or emotional abuse in childhood there absolutely is something/someone to blame from a psychological standpoint. When you are then asked by the same people who did these things to you, "Why can't you just stop thinking badly about yourself?" it becomes like the Eric Andre meme of Eric shooting Hannibal and then asking, "Why would Hannibal shoot himself?" Of course, this does not apply in all contexts, and not everyone with CPTSD may see things in the exact same way I do. Regardless, I hope that clears up where I am coming from.
I really hope things become easy for you as you live out your truth and I'm so proud of you ❤
You know the shit is real when dr. K speaks in the hindi accent 😂😂😂😂
@@CREW0 😄😄😄💯
i like to think that he is mocking sadhguru
ancient wisdom is better delivered that way XD like telling jokes and proverbs in dialects
@@montyi8 are you hindu?
@@ross9956 not really, just a comedic thing, dont read too much into it
So true. I know someone who’s mother never told her she loved her and always had something bad to say about her. She could never do anything right. When I asked her mother about it she said, “I’m her mother she has to love me.” I responded by saying, “no she doesn’t have to love you. Love is earned no matter the relationship.” She truly didn’t understand what I was saying. So sad.
Terrible ! Kids earn love from their parents? Should my pet cat earn my love first, then I should feed it, then. My father didn't love kids, but having 13 kids as a result. Some people did not want to love their family, but having a family as convenient. When people want to give love, they will give love to anyone, being considerate! My father was using the kids as tools!
Sounds like my mother.
@ I’m so sorry. It really takes a toll. My mom was afraid to love me because she thought if she did I would die. So, I understand the depth of always hoping it would change, they’d have come to Jesus moment. Mine never. I hope it’s not to late for you.
That's so true. People lacking self esteem. Always seek validation from others . They constantly yearn for approval
What ive started doing is just being absurdly loving to people around me. Even if they dont deserve it or i get nothing from it per se. The good people who appreciate it will give it back to you and you’ll never have to ask to feel loved again.
Nah... just makes you a target for narcissists. I tried that.
@@dannyleader7837 heavy on the absurdly loving. It’s literally magic, if ur heart is pure.
Yep. That’s why I say to develop a strong spiritual practice. You will realize that you no longer need other people to hold you in high esteem, and their inability to do so isn’t even about you. A strong spiritual practice will also allow you to experience high self esteem from within, not from a job, bank balance or looks.
My father constantly “teased me “ told me I need to be tough and take it thought making fun of me was okay. Telling people my private info exposing me. I was allowed self esteem when it made him look good. If I didn’t come across loving towards him in front of strangers he would belittle me. I suffer today even though I do great things for people I never want to get acknowledged yet am sad about that. It really does start young and sticks. I accept it and GI forward knowing it is my programming. Habit to think this way. Remind myself I will judge myself by my good deeds and it doesn’t matter what anyone else says.
When i was i kid my mom use to do everything for me, now i'm strugling to do things by my self because i became a perfectionist with very low self-steem, to the point that anything fulfill my expectations
I feel that i had the same mum and my mum and dad where not together anymore when i was born and my dad since i was little always said to me things like when you dont get a good note on the math Test you gonna be a drug addicted homeless loser so i got no self esteem from both sides and now i am a drug addict but not homeless thanks to my mum
@@luc_man2104 I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds like you've suffered a lot, but you still have a chance to make your life better. I'm sure that your mom did the best that she can to raise you, like mine. I hope you get the help that you need to get better!
(Sorry about my english, it's not my first lenguage and i'm not sure if i'm writting right)
Ur literally me
Brother, I resonate with that. Holy
That's called infantilization and it’s a form of abuse meant to sabotage future you
This makes so much sense. I grew up with a mother who really love me, but nothing i ever did or became interested had any feedback. Now even when i overperform i always feel like it's never enough.
It hurts having a lot of passion and interest for a of things and having in my own mind always a ghost telling me "maybe this is not that big of a archievent". It's a never ending pursue to being ok with whatever i do.
Hate to break this to you but no mother who acts like that actually loves her child, she was likely a covert narcissist who wanted you to fail in life
@@GLsJAwtomatica You don't know my mother. She someone who devoted part of his life teaching to people in what we call here as "villas", similar to brazils's favelas. Without even expecting to be paid.
She grew up in a household were she wasn't praised neither, all her brothers had better education and one of them had schizophrenia. So my grandma really focused in this uncle of mine.
At the end of the day, she is someone who devoted her life to others and lived studying all her life. But I see how people disrespect her and she just accepts it.
This is one bad thing that happened to me, but she is really a pure soul who suffered too. She didn't have a household which praised her too, her upbringing wasn't the best for her selfsteem and I probably don't know the full movie.
Life is more complicated than a yes or no, and I know she always wanted the best for me even when she didn't understand what I really needed to be ok.
seems like you had a good mom
@@nathanialb9115 Yeah, she did her best. All the bad that she could made me was without her being conscious of it
I'm in that 5% in that case. Whenever i got compliments from my family and my peers i would just go "nah, you're just being kind. I actually suck at x/y/z". I've always been very self critical and only just the recent years tried to remove the toxicity that i give myself.
That was probably something that was learned beforehand though, which I think is what Alok is talking about.
I work with addicts. They typically don’t have a lot of self-esteem, and it doesn’t help that there is a strong bias towards them in the community, people often treat them as less than human. When they come in for the first time, they’re so beaten down that the only positive emotion they may have left is hope.
If you continually treat them as respected and valued, then it can really help them to build their self-esteem and self-belief to a point where they start treating themselves better.
Thank you for valuing them and the work you do. May you have 100% increase in your gifting and capacity to love. High Five!
It’s not really “taught”, it’s implicit learning that’s reinforced through years of social validation/positive reinforcement at critical points of development in your childhood.
People with high self esteem/confidence were socialized well by their parents/environment, and are usually low in neuroticism and higher in extroversion.
@@200YearsTogeth3r Well said 👍🏼👌🏼
It never ceases to amaze me when people think that self esteem is a feedback loop where you can just become worthy by believing you’re worthy without providing value to others.
Looks = personality ❤️ if Hitler was a 6‘4ft Chad women would love his ideas and what he has to say.
@@Rainer125 wat? ._.
@@Rainer125incel says what?
Ok but it IS possible to self validate if you believe like I do that my value and worth is innate to my humanity and not based on what I can do for others or what others think about me
@@GLsJAwtomatica You learned that somewhere, tho. Probably from your parents.
Self esteem may be external edification. But self respect is the esteem you have for yourself. Know thyself, then you will know your true value.
Confidence and self esteem doesn't come from success. It comes from surviving failures and overcoming hardships.
@@terrywhelan6651 so true!
Those still sound like successful traits to me.
@@C_Raccoon23yes but there’s a little distinction. You have to fail and still accept yourself, then you try and try till you get it and it gives you the sense of „my work has value“, „i can fail but try again and again and Im not a loser for it“. Us perfectionists give ourselves one chance and if it doesn’t go well the first time we are either discouraged and believe it’s because we are total losers. But most people who succeed fail multiple times before they get it. For us it’s black and white.
@@C_Raccoon23yes but mostly from going through failures first which also builds resilience
It doesn't matter how successful i am when nobody is there to recognize any of my efforts with me. It just hurts and makes me not want to try anymore
Is what makes this really difficult, when you are neurodivergent even more, because even when realizing the good in yourself you are daily bombarded with the others criticism abaout your differences, even the ones that you love.
I can love myself, but it doesn't matter when I'm in a society that the more popular you are, easier it is to find help and love. It triggers isolation and the idea that you have to give up what you love of your self if you want to match in the game. But you can't decide to be out of game.
@@yamiwarner I don't know but I can relate to you exactly
This. I tell this all the time to clients. Taking a systems-esteem lens is key, very much aligns with the non-self view of Buddhism.❤️ you could apply this to any “self-“ statement. It never ends with just you. Everything we think, feel and do has a focus on some system outside of us. It’s human-nature , treat people like they are a part of nature. Do not blame the flower for wilting, it won’t change unless you see and change the system (drought) that caused it. ❤🌹
My self esteem improved when I started doing what I said I was going to do.
I never knew this! This is amazing! All this time I've been wondering why I have such low esteem when I'm capable of planning and achieving my goals.
Man, having both my parents being Malignant Narcissistic Personalities has really sucked!
Thank you for posting important shorts and letting people share in the comments, letting us know we are not alone, providing glimmers of hope from the older survivors to the younger survivors. Bless you.
after decades of observation, i believe that self- esteem is not given from the outside; it comes from within. children either have it or not- it’s not given by an outside source. however, it can be taken away by an outside source, usually by someone who doesnt have it. the outside only determines whether you keep it or lose it (having self-esteem is nature; losing self-esteem is nurture).
Im a firm believer that self steam also comes from self love,as you begin to heal yourself from wounds that were given to you,you feel more capable and gain trust in yourself,having compassion and knowing its okay to make mistakes leads you towards self steam,because you value the work you puth out there,although it's good to have a good support system,it starts with you trying to do better and getting yourself out of the victim mindset
not about gaslighting yourself, but to undo the gaslighting is really nice thank you for your work, blessings from germany
This channel is absolutely helping me through life. Thanks, deeply.
This video is so powerful, so much valuable information in a few seconds! This made me realize about a lot of the moments that screw up my self steem.
Thanks Dr. K for your amazing work
Most psychologists think that kids don't get enough positive encouragement. Over generations this led to schools abandoning competitive grades, participation trophies for all, and a "leave none behind" theme that slowed the entire class down. Was it worth it?
No
Thank you, Dr. K. I'm trying your advice to overcome passive su*cidality.
What I do to try and gain resilience against towards types of thoughts is self-talk and imagining situations where I’m the victor and these negative self-talks are immature people around me who don’t understand. Some of it does involve real personal drama but for the most part making a dent in the overall trajectory and learning to not take it seriously has made huge improvements in my life. Now, I don’t necessarily have such thoughts but I’ve figured how to self-sustain self-esteem, though developing an outside view is needed to ground yourself in reality. More so, knowing where I’ll end up if I take action makes a way bigger difference than just measly saying “I’m trying 🥺”
Love that, if your mind hunts you. You gotta hunt it back stubbornly (be the victor)
@@concretesandals4501 it helps me to seperate those thoughts from me I call certain thoughts “depression thoughts” that’s coming from the disease of depression, and then there’s “me thoughts” that are not coming from my depression
So much of a respect to u n this channel that someone is concerned about the fact that misunderstanding between emotions actions must be explained nowadays cause people are not ready to understand n work with it.....
But sad part is people who r facing such things are listening to it n people doing that gaslight are either continuing that or finding more knowledge to do so.....even after knowing that is wrong or are not interested in knowing it is wrong.....
I think that makes sense.
The people around, particularly mum and dad and grandparents, are key ones to help children develop self esteem 💯👍🏽
I'm found that I'm always surrounded by people who bring my confidence down. All the time. It's never ending 😢
Find a better environment and people and if you can't, go it alone until you can.
Being in one’s own company is usually better than being around those who seek to tear you down.
Meditation and daily prayers of gratitude, self- love, forgiveness of yourself and others have healed my low self esteem that came from emotional, mental and physical abuse by my harsh mother growing up. Later, we became good friends, but there was a huge residue of self doubt within me. I became a professional counselor for others suffering low self esteem and that helps me as ell. I love to boost my clients, lead them to their own self healing by affirming that they are OK and back to themselves with love,kindness and self-trust. Very few people will tell you that you are a fine person and deserve all the good things in life. We need that, from ourselves and others.❤
I watched this three times for the we impression of a guru you did. Brilliant 🙏🏽
I appreciate the editors subtitling even the little "lah" at the end of his "great meditation speech"
And when verbally abusive parents constantly insulted you, they were teaching low self-esteem and self-hatred. It’s definitely a learning process to undo this damage. Self-help books and therapy can teach!
I know self-help books can seem cheesy but they actually helped me, especially initially when I knew nothing about building self-esteem.
It’s important to remember that research into neuroplasticity shows we can continue to change our brains as adults! Never give up hope. Some changes take time and sometimes there’s no “quick fix.”
Self esteem is something your taught, so basic but so true.
That's why it is good not to have parent that spoil you , i am kid of single mom , dad passee when i was like really young so do not remember the face , I learn to do the everything myself i know i can learn and do anything if I put my mind into it, I have done it. My mom never said anything to me bad and demotivational. She is a great mother not just because she is my mother really angelic being and nice to people.
You got love and support along with your challenges. That’s the perfect combination. Some of us got challenges but no support or even worse shaming, screaming and criticism for every failure. I am very independent but see myself as incapable even though I achieved more than most people will even consider doing. Success didn’t build my confidence. My inner critic still shames me and tells me it’s not good enough and any criticism and failure is a huge attack to my ago, Ill do anything to not experience those (avoidance or people pleasing).
My god I really needed to hear that final sentence, thank you 🙏🏻
I have a son with level 2 ASD who has low self esteem.
All his life I've supported him, I've always sought to support him, teach him resilience. To naught as far as his self esteem is concerned.
Because of the reaction of others to him. Not being able to find acceptance from others not family. My own self esteem & sense of self worth is high. My son AND his dad, who was also ASD, feel the difference in self esteem levels. Because they struggle to feel good about themselves, their coping mechanism is to seek to drive down MY self esteem to match theirs. It NEVER works, they get called out EVERY time they do it, in a polite & respectful way. I focus on the problematic behaviour - what they did & how to be better. I use DESC scripts. Hubby NEVER picked up & son still hasn't.
Yes, I'm questioning how many times my son's gotta lose those battles before he realises his coping mechanism isn't working too well for him.
Just my thoughts. BTW - I have a degree in psych.
i grew up with most of my ideas being shut down, and now that im finding my path im constantly battling impostor syndrome. it sucks
This is honestly gold. How is this plain truth so obscure?
That’s why they say someones “delusional” when they gain confidence around toxic people.. I listened to affirmations and it finally clicked for me.
THANK YOU! This is the most intelligent comment I’ve ever heard and so nice to hear somebody acknowledge that it’s massively influenced by what you hear and how you’re made to feel.
That’s so true. I hated when my college professors or really anyone would tell me not to think negatively or beat myself up, right after they did it! They would tear me down verbally then tell me to stay positive. It was such a mind fuck.
Luv you fr Doc and thank you team this is one of the most maintenance intensive things for me and I appreciate this work
Childhood is the crucial development, thats happen to me, Even your brain many times say you can do it if keep practicing with a logical reason, but your hearts always say "nah, I don't wanna fail".
Confidence of your actions drives motivation to continue concurrent action, if your constantly stop, starting - you never get a confident rhythm to carry forward - kinda why intellectuals struggle when in an environment when their told they are capable - because as a kid, unless you have reasonings behind your actions, its all deductive guesswork - and if its guesswork, without the confidence of external observation, it will always be an aspect your guessing, and in turn - stewing until something dofferent happens and then losing what confidence you have had helps set people down skill regression - if the confidence in your capabilities is now shattered and wavering - so to will the actions that allowed thise skills to work cohesively.
Just a fleeting thought and ponder
Building self-esteem is definitely challenging, but it’s one of the most rewarding journeys we can take
Thank you so much for your content. It really resonates.
*Performing esteemable acts is a good way to raise self esteem.* 🤓
When I was 17 my mom and oldest brother convinced me that I wasn't confident due to how I play soccer. I was just a team player, but after they said I lacked confidence it definitely became the truth.
My mom
Used to say” if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”
A common saying that helped me and still helps me persevere
Thank you for this ♥️
Wow, I needed this today 🙌🙏🏼💯💗
Yes. Parents suppose to build their kids confidence self esteem ect. But when u dont hv parents who do that. I had a bad childhood. But growing up as an adult you hv to learn to develop yr self, you hv to tell yrself you want to be free and happy and better than yr bad experience. I lift my head and say Im good enough am worthy I believe and love who I am!
Self-esteem comes from setting goals & accomplishing them. U know when you've done a good job. U don't need someone else telling u.
Great pearls of wisdom! Thank you 😊
Thank you doctor, so true ❤
Spent years putting Himalayan salt on my food, I should be loaded full of self-esteem
Wow what an insight and clarifying the understanding to date i.e. coming from within. Thank you!!!!
Childhood is the source of many adulthood problems. Low self-esteem is a manifestation of a deep-seated childhood trauma. Self-esteem is usually given, not discovered. However, we can heal our wounds, but scars will remain.
Self esteem comes from accomplishment.
Excellent segment
THE best explanation i have heard about this. I think this is also why it is so hard especially for people who grow up discriminated to deal with this. There isnt much you can do to help your self esteem when you are being attacked on both systemic and interpersonal levels.
I absolutely love you!! Thank you
Im going to undo my gaslit trauma, and then gaslight myself into thinking I can become a billionaire.
Thanks bud needed that 🎉
95% crave validation from others to feel good for their accomplishments
We aren't taught that we are entitled to have an opinion about ourselves, because that would be arrogance. It's not arrogance to have a good opinion on yourself. Waiting for people to recognize your virtudes is what people pleasers do. You don't need to be exceptional to have value, you have it just for existing - and you learned so much since you were born! And having flaws is expected, don't punish yourself for not being good at things, just work on them if that's what you want to.
I think for me at least it's about the overall experience. Sure, I remember getting some encouragement from my mum, but that was extremely rare and was only if I achieved something good. I never got encouragement when I failed on anything (achieving less than excellence), in fact my parents never addressed it at all and didn't know how to approach it. Now I only ever do things I'm good at and am super avoidant to failure which massively restricts what I do in life.
I had acne on my face since 10 years old. Now I have severe acne all over my face, my body and scars (not just regular scars but very dark pigmented scars with steep pores) all around my body and face. Since I was 10 I was treated by the society in a different way and went through alot. I'm so self aware, have low self esteem and always try to please others. Nowadays people say be confident in your own skin and judge the soul out of people when they have acne. I get so judged for my clothing and hairstyle. I actually can't afford new clothing, self care and hair care products nor to go out and eat even just once in a year. I'm 21 and going to work and doing a BSc degree in Biotechnology and Microbiology. My whole salary goes to my degree.
I'm so done with how every single person treats me and I just want to exit from this world but I can't because it will be a burden to my parents cause I don't have any insurance. I just want my parents to be happy but I couldn't fulfil their dreams.
God just please take me away after my parents are passed.
You're smart & hardworking.
People will appreciate you as you are ❤️
You're so young & have a lot to offer!
You're still young and finding where you fit in! You have plenty of time. You'll find your tribe, get into a groove & things will start looking up. You need to please yourself and make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy. Focus on the things you enjoy. It's through those things you will find people you resonate with and won't judge you on a superficial basis but mutually respect you for who you really are ❣️
The gift we get from giving without expected gains id say. Acts of love over time and therefore also following what your heart says, meaning the ability to discern when not to give aswell is your measure of who you are. When you stop needing validation from others and see your actions and intentions even if others dont show appreciation, thats your self-esteem. Your evaluation of your gifts.😊
Shit hits really hard when you feel like you had that backing from your parents and still have enormously low self-esteem...
Very interesting. That clears up my thoughts about it.
I was thinking about confidence and feeling like I didn’t have enough . I wondered where I would get that. I knew it should have come from my parents or others who were teaching me …and they should be the ones to instill that in me instead of just letting me fail and saying “oh well.”
I don’t remember being encouraged that I could do something .. but I was compared to others and ask WHY I didn’t do like they did?
That was a bit disheartening feeling .
Thanks again for the wisdom and the laughs
My parents were not taught it and so couldn't teach me.
This is how I learned.
Well I got ill. Chronically ill. And so I started to study health. And I made some big discoveries and would talk to doctors about my hypotheses and they would tell me I should become a doctor. Some thought I was studing to be one!
Well I kept studying and figuring things out I never thought I could grasp and realized I was smarter than I gave nyself credit for!
Suddenly, I realized there are so many things I can do. So many posabilities.
I fixed a microphone. Never would have even thought about trying before when I had no self esteem.
Self esteem is powerful!
my self-esteem while I have good parents and everything is mostly self taught, losses don't get me ''down'' the same way it does for many peers, and it shows in how much they tryto escape things that bother them or their willingness to leave their comfort zones
I just know ''inside and outside'' that things can be done, even things I should not know I get the hang of pretty fast and understand because I just see it as a ''this is meant to be done and solved by people so of course I can handle it''
An example is how in games I tend to parry enemies, take it on etc. rather than panic and run or hold up shields long before anything happens to me and if I do fail, then great, I can try again and understand more.
I didn’t have the best childhood. I think my parents loved me and my sisters, but we were all neglected and rarely ever saw our parents. Going into my adult years, I had severe anxiety and rock bottom self esteem (most likely due to childhood neglect). But I was on my own for my finances as soon as I graduated high school and really didn’t want to be homeless, so I worked part time jobs while going to college despite being terrified of people. It was at those jobs that I learned the social skills necessary to be a relatively normal functioning human. It was at those jobs where I received praise for doing well and the constructive feedback needed to improve when I failed. For most people, it’s never too late to change things like anxiety and self esteem, even as an adult. All one has to be is willing and then actually take that first step.
Man this guy is so good
I just when i try to explain why my self esteem is low it’s deemed as blaming others and pointing the finger… but that’s literally what it is. but people like to say “oh it’s not other people’s responsibility to build u up you need to build yourself up”
To be honest I think it's wrong, self esteem also comes from personal achievements like loosing a lot of weight ecc others may not know about it but you still have that self esteem indipendently of their opinions because you know you can achieve something if you want even if others don't think that of you.
I'm wondering too, because up until now I've always heard self-esteem had to be conceived and built from the inside, by the individual, regardless of external circumstances. I feel like that's been the self-help narrative forever. Now that's never worked for me, and I do think Dr. K suggesting you need external validation/support to build self-esteem makes more sense. Seems obvious. So why for decades was the former narrative used?
You nailedAlok ❤
Self Esteem comes from taking care of yourself and showing up for yourself whether others do or don't, and keeling your word. Self esteem isnt from others not even parents at the end of the day.
Ufffff 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 what I’m learning in therapy rn lol
I think the reason why I have such unstable sense of self-esteem is because my parents never really acknowledged my successes but made a huge deal out of my mistakes and shortcomings. I wish my mom would just say she’s proud of something i’ve done once in a while
Self worth vs. and self esteem. Self worth is inherently true and recognized, self esteem is taught.
Mind blowing. Thank you
I Find this interesting. I come from a very supportive parents… always there for some and teach me how to build self esteem. I don’t know where in my live i learn this but I always thought putting yourself first, no matter the situation, was selfish. So I always thought only selfish people have high self esteem. I didn’t and still do don’t want to be selfish, so I always put myself down and seek others to help put myself down.
I agree wholeheartedly. ❤
Beautiful!! Thanks Dr k
Ur a fkn king bro 👑
Another key point in this is another person’s compliments mean the most to someone when that said person is a complete stranger. If you hear it from family and friends, it doesn’t feel as real
Love ya Dr. k
For me I wasn’t encouraged to be better I was expected to fail even when I was good or even better than most people at some things, so my parents or teachers or strangers not being strict or hard on me was what made me have an inferiority complex. Encouragement just felt like gaslighting but extreme strictness or impossibly overbearing or unfair expectations make me thrive as I feel like I’m being treated like an equal.