After taking 4 attachment style tests (including yours) I tested secure on 3 out of 4 of them (one if them was yours). The other one I tested DA and from watching your videos I see myself in things like autonomy and slowly warming up. That said, when people go no contact with me, I just assume they want nothing to do with me and move on. I actually cut off several people I really liked as friends who stopped taking my phone calls and unfriended me on social media. In essence, I view the no contact as a subtle hint that the person no longer wants me around and I simply oblige.
@@sifublack192 no contact refers to the period after a romantic relationship has broken up and the person who got broken up with does not contact their ex, usually for a minimum of 30 to 60 days, so they can concentrate on healing as well as give the person who did the breaking up space. it refers to not reaching out to the person who did the breaking up unless the other person reaches out first, out of respect for oneself and for the persons decision who did the breaking up. that is a different situation to so-called friends walking away without warning/prior discussion.
I have to admit something I think I should feel guilty over. Today I (AP) decided to leave my DA of 9 months. She cheated in a context that was forgivable. But having the conversation of "here's what I need" was like pulling teeth. And even after, that conversation just rooted her in her fears. I should've given her space to process and overcome those fears, but I was losing my mind. Today I decided to break things off because she couldn't meet my expectations (after only a few days of actually talking about things). For today, I failed no contact, but moving forward, I'm literally an atheist praying that she realizes what we meant to each other and comes back. I know no contact shouldn't be a manipulation tactic, but it's the only thing I think is going save an unhealthy relationship I have to probably the most special and beautiful person, inside and out, that I have ever met. I've been through hell in relationships, but nothing has ever hit me this hard. I'll be signing up for the program tomorrow.
One i dated 2 years ago recently contacted me and apologized for the way she acted and took accountability for everything she said. She gave me a full explanation and told me she has started going to therapy. Then she kissed me.
Yes, a DA can come back after no contact. I had the experience with a DA. I've realized that we had great chemistry and connection, but we were incompatible. Because my needs would end up being neglected while I would be doing all the work. Started to feel one sided and transactional. I've decided to move on because she wouldn't put the work in, even though she acknowledged that she had things she needed to work on
Needed to hear this…. I miss & love my DA but it *does always seem to feel so one-sided. Like my DA could live with me or without me, doesn’t matter either way to them. That’s not love.
I lost my best friend because of this. She is a DA, and I was fine handling her DA flakiness in our friendship....I couldn't when we became lovers. She brutally ghosted me, gaslit the experience we shared, and then came crawling back asking for 'friendship' again. I oscillate between feeling badly for her, and hating her.
Same...it's a really brutal experience, straight up murder on your soul, it's the worst. It's disgusting. A complete violation of trust and lack of humanity delivered to you unfairly, and without explanation or closure. And they just want more. Ridiculously difficult to heal and integrate into your life, with or without them. Good luck, friend.
@archonofvoid That was incredibly insensitive to advise that she "should " or "should not" feel a certain way. Her friend's (pattern of) DA behavior has been hurtful to the person and has damaged the relationship. The DA will continue to behave in this way if it is simply excused and tolerated as you suggest.
@@archonofvoid Like they said, it was easier to brush their behavior off when it was a friendship, not a partnership, and I have to agree with them there.
@@shannonlogue-chrysalisfitn8572 it was just realistic. Couldn't care less of the nonconstructive compassion you value and provide. Besides feel was a synonym of think, no emotions have been discussed but a framework of mind. Go ahead encouraging hate in others as if it's going to lead to any good and enjoy being forgot the day after due to your useless contribution. I'll rather try to provide some stimulating intellectual point that could stick or lead to realizations. Begone snowflake
'Sometimes you have to let go of what's hurting you, even if it hurts to let go.' Life moves on, just learn the lessons that relationship taught you and you'll get something stronger.
Just went through this situation! The part that especially resonated was how in the first few weeks she was incredibly communicative, emotionally available, and comfortable in the relationship. This was especially true during the couple weeks around the Holidays when we were in different cities. As soon as things got serious though I could feel her pulling away. It happened incredibly quickly. Quite the whirlwind of emotions! I am now a couple weeks into no contact. Let's see how it goes!
My brother, she will always pull away and come back and pull away… and believe me, it will get to the point where you realize you lost focus on your goals and other important things because she will make you anxious. Cut your loss… a woman who appreciates you won’t pull away. Especially for weeks…
@joev7014 I definitely agree with you. But I'm willing to (down the road) give this one more try. First will mean fully moving on but the highs of this relationship were so high that under different circumstances I'd want to try again. She is also going through a complicated breakup and probably rushed too quickly into this. So it really might also just be a timing thing.
@@sagarwadgaonkar7580 I’ll tell you the truth. Your situation sounds exactly like mine. My ex came out of a toxic relationship and I tried to be the guy that can help her because I’m a “good guy”, I’m a “patient guy”. In the end she went back with him slept with him and played pure mind games. She broke my heart and I let her do it again before I finally seen through the manipulation… when a woman pulls away, believe me. She is putting her attention into someone else… that’s it. Especially if it’s been weeks… DAs can come back but it’s only to keep you around their orbit. They can only appreciate you when you’re not around. As soon as they sense your close, boom ghosted… experience is the best teacher tho. Good luck brother
I’d be willing to make a pretty large bet that she’s never coming back. She turned her feelings off literally overnight. If feelings can change that quickly, they were never genuine to begin with.
That actually isn’t necessarily true, if she is fearful avoidant ( mix of anxious and avoidant, so a double whammy) then at first she will cling and try and be needy, and put her heart and soul into it, but if she’s getting nothing back the avoidant side will kick in and they slam the drawbridge up and are done! Not because they never loved you - but because love feels so scary and unsafe - so it’s a self protection mechanism. Inside they are being tortured with feelings of not being loved, wanted or good enough (especially in the anxious still trying phase). The anxious avoidant (fearful avoidant) has usually had a childhood you could make a horror film out, they want love but it is mixed with great fear. The more securely attached you are the better. They aren’t playing games - they want to learn but don’t know how to feel safe in love. It’s kind of like if someone cuddled you whilst holding a knife to your throat kind of feeling, and it is a wound they got from being raised like that as a child. Kindness goes a long long way helping with anxious attachment of any kind, and explaining why on boundaries too (as they won’t have any, as they weren’t allowed them and grew up in boundary less houses - note not homes). It’s sad. @thepersonaldevelopmentschool - Thais - is this something you could do more videos on explaining to people please, from how fearful avoidant don’t do it with malice to why they are like it to most importantly how they can heal it (as it seems to me they have double the work to do!) and also thank you so much for your videos, you are saving lives here, never mind relationships! And maybe do a video on mental health and each attachment type - as I know DA’s are prone to being numb and feel dead inside, (hence a lot watch horror films or porn - to try to feel anything!) and FA’s are prone to severe depression and often misdiagnosed with ADHD or bipolar especially as they are so up and down! To all you securely attached folks out there - please go give your parents a hug and say thank you to them, they are solid gold! ❤ She may not be fearful avoidant of course, and in my experience DA’s have a very weak idea of ‘love’ as they’ve never experienced true love as kids so don’t know how to give it to you. It’s like asking them to speak a forgein language they’ve never heard of! Again it’s a self protection mechanism. I think the wisest thing I’ve heard is ‘it’s not rejection - it’s protection’. And sometimes we can only love people from afar. For our own wellbeing. And that is what you need to focus on now, healing you and trusting your own wisdom again. Because you deserve to be happy. ❤ @BruceJC75
Would you want that person to return, really? They may come back this time but it wont be long until they disappear again. It might be difficult to let go of love, but its important to know that its not love, its trauma induced infatuation. Go to therapy, rewire your brain and try go out and experience what true love is
He ghosted me and after a few weeks I got the "How are you doing?" text. I was soo mad that I responded the next day, "I'm fine." Kinda passive agressive maybe? Didn't hear back from him. This was 1 month ago and I'm still going true intense heartbreak and regret the "I'm fine" text, because that wasn't the truth at all :( I'm afraid he started seeing other girls and will forget about me, but I also think I could never trust him again since he dropped me so easily... It's hard.
Its what they do,its not personal even tho it feels personal.I have met many of them,they all come back but really we need somebody who can reciprocate and they can not and will not.They need to leave ppl alone and go seek help.
Being a DA sucks! It’s like trying to hug people but you’re made of spikes. You want to heal, but desperately don’t want to heal either. Torture, on top of causing others pain.
I’m looking forward to this video as well. I’m an avoidant and my gf left me about 2 months ago. I instantly went to the lab. I wanted to know where and why I failed from a religious, psychological, and dating coach viewpoint. I’ve realized so much and am still learning. I’m doing therapy weekly, renewed my relationship w/ God, I’m journaling, reading and just being more intentional. While I feel more confident, I want to ensure that I learn the right way so that I never experience this again whether or not my ex chooses to reconcile when I reach out. At the end of the day I’m doing it for me and know I will be much better equipped whether it be w/ my ex or someone else. I hope it works out for you.
I always get comments in here after i commented with my truth and my story how mean and cruel i am when i describe how my DA ex had treated me and how i absolutely feel nothing romantic for him anymore. Ive moved on and im actually ralking to someone, very slowly and starting out as friends after my ex had broken up with me last year. I truly wish him the best after seeing he had a new gf on social media. I hope he gets it together , but i have serious doubts. His age, life experiences and previous relationship all influence him being very overly avoidant. Being 51 yrs old and never being married, i find it hard to believe that someone is going to come along and just make him commit, warm, and open. Wish all you DA’s the best!
It's nice to read a positive update from your story. I'd recommend you stop checking in on your ex's IG, so you can be free to fully experience this new person
I know this will be my ex's fate as well. He was single before me for a reason.. he'll probably end up single and divorced at his "age to marry" of 45.
@@HustleHabitthanks, i actually wasnt checking. You know how you have a friend suggestions on facebook? This is where he showed up. He never had social media when we were together, so i was actually surprised to see him on fb. I see the new girlfriend there as he has a very unique name, not any other person who has his name because its a very uncommon name. Facebook will friend suggest you someone who’s number you have stored on your phone if that number is connected to their social media. I have since removed him from the friend suggestions tab, and ive moved on. Weirdly enough on March 3, it has since been one year since i last saw him. I suppose thats the biggest factor ive also moved on- out of sight, out of mind. Update on new person, we both realized we are not taking the next step towards a relationship. We just talk on social media, and thats it. Both of us realized we’re just not in the headspace for a relationship. Its all good! 😊
@@lmart16yeah, unless he decides to do some work, then itll be the same story rehashed multiple times. I wish all of us the best in this journey. Im loving the single life. I have so much work to do on me. I realize where i went wrong, and how toxic i am, and it adds to my anxious attachment. I realized one big thing, i am no longer attracted to avoidant behavior. I also realized that judging avoidant people is now a fhing of the past for me. They are flawed, i am flawed, and im only in a position to state my needs to ask for what i deserve. Im not here any longer to urge change towards other people since it may not be in their timeline to be ready. If i notice that im not getting what i want, then i will simply believe that perhaps a mismatch is present, and i will most certainly move ahead, and not push for anyone else’# behavior to change. Its an exercise in futility and it wastes both my time, and the others, by insisting they be who i want. I think the moment anxious people realize that its really not your place to wait for anyone to grow or change, and just consider it a mismatch is perhaps the day you are set free from the outcome of expectations.
In my personal experience:.. If *I* broke up with *them* ... they completely respect that decision and have too much pride and fear to reach out. If *they* broke up with *me* , but genuinely regretted it, I'd know very quickly. Between a few days and 3 months. Am I the only one who feels absolutely secure that their DA is smitten with them, loves and adores them, even if they still have their attachment wounds to recover from?
You're not alone. My ex DA adores me. ❤ It took a long time and a ton of healing to believe him, but he does. I don't think we are on the same page with things, so we opted to be friends, but he's a sweetheart and we'll always love each other. ❤
@SunshineAndSnowflakes this is me and my DA. Almost three years and recently, I finally gave in to his request for 'just friends'. I had to call off all things physical, which hurts because the physical was my way of feeling that love and acceptance from him that he wasn't willing to commit to long term. He is a wonderful man who cares for me deeply. But is honest about being unable to give me what I've hoped we could work towards. I hope we can stay friends. He has been my best friend for three years and we rely on each other. So difficult a place to be ❤❤❤
@@mlong506 I understand and I feel your pain. I've been close friends with my ex for many years before we dated. We've done the situationship and the relationship. With the relationship, I think he thought the label was enough, but didn't want to progress or make plans to progress. Our relationship was fun, but felt like we were in high-school or two best friends hanging out who slept together. We could never make it past the power struggle phase though. Every 4 to 6 months I found myself leaving after we either couldn't get on the same page or couldn't communicate through an argument. If my feelings for him weren't so strong, I'd keep it more casual so he could be at peace with us. I had to cut off all intimacy last year too. We still talk fairly regularly and it's clear feelings are there, but I'm staying career focused and trying not to think into stuff he says. It's too bad. We're great together for the most part.
Why don't these advisors start being more honest and just say that a lot of people were crappy parents instead of walking on eggshells about it? MAKE THEM TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY‼️
some can have really good heart, they really suffer, even from hurting you.. but yes hard to see the resistance of even admitting being a DA.. but thats what they are..
Yes yes yes! Although Thais has done videos on the subject here and there, but more on how to communicate with DAs without triggering them would be soooo useful.
In my view we had a period of no contact but I don’t feel we we disconnected . So therefore no need to reconnect necessarily. But generally , people really need to stop pressuring the person to relate but also don’t take it personally if they take space . If it’s meant to be it will be with anyone . If you have to force it , they aren’t the one for you .
@thepersonaldevelopmentschool I wish we had videos on if the DA breaks up with you vs you break up with them bc I've found the difference to be drastic.
DAs sound like cowards. How is this fair to anyone they would be in relationship? As an SA, I don't have the patience for this childish behavior. This violates my boundaries.
Well said. At first I wanted desperately to go back to my ex (probably FA), but not anymore. I would be wasting my time on someone who is not healthy while I could be with someone fun and mature. People don't waste your time on Avoidants, go and figure your own problems out so you can be with someone who is good for you.
My da comes back after 8 weeks and wanted to talk. We talked but not anything serious or address the issue and then I told him to get Lost for good because I love myself better than him.
Just went thru my first situationship (25M). Most confusing thing ever. Just discovered the traits of a DA and it all makes sense now. I opened up too much and made mistakes and really have strong regrets, trying not to beat myself up too much
Self forgiveness is the first year of therapy I always say -(are you anxious attachment). We work so hard to make relationships work. Show up for yourself at the beginning of the next thing and ask for what you want and need. Know that it’s mostly our ego wanting to not be bruised and to win them back. In reality we want someone emotionally available for us too. All we can do be that. (Aka not neglectful ) towards ourselves finding out our needs. We are other motivated that’s not wrong. To be that way. They have a shot glass to give we need a pint to fill up. If you’re going to thrive with an avoidant you Need a full life to fill the rest of your glass. It’s all working out for us. In your visioning and dreaming and fantasizing say this person or someone even better for me. (For you. Kk). The best is yet to come kk. You got this. The healed you. Will be able to navigate this better with that person or date someone less triggering I promise kk. Hugs and love. Been there❤
@@Adam-hx1gwtrust me, remember this message… you lost nothing. If she’s a DA. She will keep pulling away and make you anxious no matter if you give her space or not… I tried for 2 years. It’ll affect your health and your goals. There’s a woman out there, that will appreciate you during the relationship, not when you’re in no contact
I've been watching a ton of your videos and just wanted to say thank you! They are really helpful and informative for me, and I really appreciate you sharing your expertise
As a DA I can safely say that if I break up with someone for good and I don’t have feelings anymore, I will never go back. If someone broke up with me and I did not want it, I’ll reach out once and if there’s no response, I do not reach out again even if I want to. A lot of people who suddenly ghost or breakup are FA. Many DAs will go cold over time and slow fade. That suddenness is more FA. It takes a lot for me to connect with people and equally hard to disconnect.
Agreed. When it's over, we know it's over. Plus many of us do respect boundaries. If someone doesn't want contact with us, so be it. Their choice. We aren't coming back
I m an FA we don't do that either... more than you... you breaking up with us is breaking our trust.. first thing after a break up we feel a lot of relief.. and if you weren t submissive to us, ur outta here
Please make another video explaining how to have the conversation about moving in the right direction with the DA after no contact to facilitate breaking the cycle
I’ve gone NC several times with my ex. He usually comes back between 2-4 weeks but doesn’t want to actually commit. So frustrating. This time it’s been 5 weeks so far and nothing yet but I feel like I’m done. I don’t think he’ll change and I feel like he thinks I’ll always be here.
Try your best to move on. I had the same situation with my ex girlfriend. They’ll pull away forever and see other people while they’re doing it. Just walk away. Show your strength
I broke up with avoidant ex 6 months ago. I chased for 20 days after that i was ghosted. I hurted so baddd and I see this topic and learned from many videos. I'm good now , move on , no sensitive, not bite and chill with my life. I have been being in no contact 150 days. I already think that she will not contact me forever. Last night, out of the blue, she contact me with non sense things. It's unbelieveable. She orbit close by herself. I answer with no emotional text and not asking anything now , just answer what she want to know. Let's see if she come more closer or scared and run away again xD. Hope you all have some luck like me and be strong everyone. Make sure you learn and improve yourselves first. Thank you for all the thing. I will keep update if i have more info.
I don't know about your time-frame estimates. I've been in a strict no-contact for 8 months now and going. Nothing from her at all and it was an otherwise very loving relationship of 9 months. Nothing makes sense, but I've got my life to live. Her loss.
Her time frame doesn't apply in every situation. Unfortunately when some people end it, they end it for good. Honestly, if it wasn't for exes reaching out to me I would never try and rekindle it. No contact should be used as a form of bettering ourselves and moving on from the past relationship, but there's so much stuff out there saying it will eventually bring your ex back which is not always the case. I wish you well on your healing. ❤
Please please please do a video as to what to say and do when they come back !!! I’ve been in no contact for a year , maybe he won’t ever come back but at least I show up for myself everyday and I choose me and I’m sure I’m going to eventually find someone who shows up for me and wants what I’m also looking for ❤❤❤❤ you deserve love
Please do the additional video on what to do if they decide they want to show up!! 🙏🏿❤ Also, isn’t it more lokely that the DA gets approached about repairing the relationship and the secure person offers a roadmap with some boundaries for both?
As the dismissive- if I'm done with you, I'm done. I am a bit older (39) and don't ghost. But I let people know if I want to be with them and if I don't want to be with you I'll let you know that too. I think most dismissive avoidants who are a bit more mature will be pretty open and honest and not ghost or play with your feelings by coming in and out of your life. When I was younger however I largely assumed noone really cared that much anyway so ghosting or casually chatting with past people wasn't a big deal to my perspective because I couldn't imagine you'd be affected by my presence or absence either way.
Excellent video as always Thais... but what do you do when they reappear? I mean, how can you properly handle the situation trying not to trigger their fears again?
Because I think I did that with my request to talk on the phone once a week. He said he didn’t want to feel guilty if he didn’t show up but he was like we can be friends and if it turns into a relationship then ok but he doesn’t want to start out working towards a relationship
They want your attention without any of the commitment. Just ignore them and move on. DA people that aren’t actually working on themselves are toxic and not worth the time. - btw I’m a former DA
I would definitely like to see more videos about what to do in The reconnecting phase post-no contact. Many experts say to keep things light during that reconnecting phase, which my DA ex & I (FA) have done for six months now, but trying to find the point at which to bring up the possibility of getting back together again is hard for fear of scaring the DA away, especially if it’s them who initiated the break up. I also feel like part of respecting their decision to break up means giving them the space to initiate if and when they feel ready to try again, but at the same time I’m not going to put my life on hold forever either. I’ve seen your previous video where you talk about having the talk about what didn’t work, needs going forward, how to avoid previous pitfalls, etc., but how do you even get to that point if you’re keeping things light and not talking about the relationship just to let momentum build. I feel like having those conversations about what didn’t work has to come once you’ve decided to try again, but how do you transition from reconnecting/keeping things light to initiating the conversation of trying again? If the DA ex thinks they are too late, and regrets the break up, will they even take a chance of initiating getting back together, or is it better for the other person to try to initiate it? I’m debating whether or not to bring up the topic of trying again or to just walk away and leave it up to my DA ex as to whether or not they want to bring that up, since the break up was their choice so perhaps it should be their choice to initiate trying again. I’ve done my best to move on and concentrate on other things in life, but would be open to trying again if only my DA ex would bring it up. Sometimes it feels like they might be getting close to that point, but as previously mentioned, I’m not going to wait around forever either.
I'm in PDS and have listened to so many people with their opinions on this. In the end, I did what felt right to me. My DA ex came back a few times and I always wanted to bring up serious topics, but I wouldn't. So this last time, I laid it all on the table ahead of time because at this point I'd rather lose him indefinitely than stay in a situation that wasn't working for me. So when he brought up us seeing each other, I straight out asked what he's looking for. He wanted only me, but not a serious relationship. I declined. That was that. I don't like wishy washy behavior nor do I want to get close again and worry about this conversation a few months down the line. He's still a good friend and we keep in contact, but he knows where I stand. The funny thing is, I don't even care to be in relationships. I don't have time to invest really, but that's what was perfect about our dynamic. We both had our own lives going on and respected each other's boundaries. But at times he would bring up moving in together or having dinner with my family and I was like what? I don't do that with people I'm casually dating. It seems he kinda wanted both worlds. Anyway, I personally think it's best to get it over or you risk getting caught up in confusion.
@@LeeChrissy, thanks for this, I like the idea of just simply coming out and asking what my DA is looking for from me at this point. It’s a way to gauge where their head is at without putting pressure. now to find the right moment to gently bring that up… That’s the challenge I’ve been having, but that’s the simplest script I’ve come across yet. I don’t want to get into the more complex stuff until I know what direction they even want to take, and like you, I may end up having to take a step back, but it’s better to know than not and waste a bunch of time hoping if it turns out we’re not on the same page. I had actually set a deadline to start taking a step back, but then they started taking steps to move closer, so now i’m trying to find the right moment to bring this up before giving up all together.
@@gogohappygirl I totally understand. Honestly, I think if I didn't make such a big deal about the label and "where is this going" thing, we would still be together and it would have naturally evolved. The thing is, I'm uncomfortable in the unknown. I just can't do it and he is uncomfortable with committing because he feels like he'll be trapped and they'llbe too many expectations. I don't EVER want someone to feel that way with me. I want him to be happy too. So I had to let him go. 😔 In your situation, I think it's good you're being so thoughtful about this conversation. It's such a hard thing to bring up because it's a delicate situation. I think what helped me was figuring out and standing firm with my own goals and non-negotiables. After that, his answer didn't matter because I kept emotions out of it and funny enough, he didn't take it well. He was pretty measured, but still reaches out trying to rekindle us. I'm good. I love him but I need direct communication and he can't do that and I understand. It's just not for me. DA's can be great partners, it's just a tough task if only one person is doing the work.
@@LeeChrissy, when you finally did bring up the tough conversation as to what your DA ex wanted from you, did you do it by text, phone/video call or in person?
@@gogohappygirl we were on and off since summer of 2021...always ending by me walking away. So that first year we were in a monogamous situationship for about 5 months. In 2022, we started a situationship again, but I kind of eluded that if this is what he wanted, we weren't going to have any rules. That's when he started bringing up traveling together and having dinner with my family and it started confusing me again and just as I was about to walk away, he asked to make us official. So that year we were together total for about 6 months. Then in 2023 we started a situationship again and he was all over the place talking about possibly moving out of state, but brought up us getting a place together. Again, me being confused, I ended it 5 months later. That's when I joined PDS. Sorry for the long answer. It's the FA in me. 😂🤣 So that was May and in August he was asking to take me to dinner. I asked why and what was he looking for because I'm looking for something real, not sit in a gray area. That's when he said let's be friends then. I assured him that being just friends with me mean platonic friendship and nothing else. He didn't love that. Lol So now...again...he's been reaching out a lot. He wants to take me to dinner as friends, but he's talking to me the same way he used to when we dated. Very flirty. I love and miss him, but my emotions kinda left the game last year so I'm not thinking into any of this like I would in the past. Our communication is mainly through text.
How about when your married to a Avoidant. Weve been separated for 3 yrs. Weve got back together 4 times but found out hes been with someone else all this time. Hasn't asked for a divorce yet. Im working on myself always. Back in no contact again.
Thais, 3 questions please: 1) does it always occur from childhood experiences ? What about later in life, like a cheating spouse experience? 2) do they find it highly embarrassing when they’ve finally been found out after many months in a relationship, and were gently asked to share? Will questioning make them pull away? No communication from either side in a month. The words “break up” were never spoken. Should I reach out, or let him have his space? 3) Do DAs suffer from sexual issues, perhaps PE or ED, or just uncomfortable with close contact? Tysm, don’t know what to do. 🙏😰
Please do that video!!!!! I’m anxious and she is dismissive. I also have adhd and I didn’t realize what was going on until recently. We have children together. Been together 15 years. I want to know how to help us.
You here psychoanalyzing your partner or whatever is all the evidence you need to know you are unhappy and it cant work. Is your ideal relationship one that requires fixing, didnt think so
Yes they do. To leave again. You can try work on yourself, open and mature communication etc. but it wont help. Save yourself a time guys.I was naive and thought i can make it, but just lost so much time in grey zone
@@RT-fs3ttreally sit with your emotions and assess the thoughts and stories you told in the relationship. Be vulnerable and admit you didn’t feel worthy etc and when you reconnect with the DA, tell them all from a non-emotionally burdening way. Then you’ll know in what direction to move forward, either stay together or leave
Is there any way... At all... That one could bring up, the fact that the avoidant is behaving this irrational? That you can incentivize that they become aware of how they behave. That it's not healthy to run away all the time?
I've been dealing with this since around June of last year. October 31st is when it really started with me practicing the no contact approach. Each month, the DA would contact me in some of the dumbest vague ways in text messages. Even though i didnt contact them to become that " lost puppy " trying to rebuild with them, all of the things said in these videos was true about their behavior and even with me seeing another side of them that showed the inability to make or maintain successful relationships and watching that person continue slipping down the slope. The DA contacted me again yesterday about wanting to go to a gym where I'm a member at but not wanting to come into contact with me (????). Yet another one of their vague messages which finally prompted me to go full no contact blocking them from the last way that they can get in contact with me.
I’m a DA due to childhood trauma. As a teen, I was beaten so badly by my parents that I vowed to NEVER depend on ANYONE for ANYTHING! I’ve taken care of myself, but it’s a lonely world. I met someone whom I thought I would marry, but when he started pulling away, I walked away. That relationship compounded my trauma, and is the biggest mistake of my life! Fast forward years later, the ex calls & wants to be friends. We don’t speak often, but when we do, conversation is great. If the conversation becomes emotional & reminds me of the past, I walk away. I wear shame on my sleeve like a badge of honor, but I don’t allow people to get close to me. It’s an awful way to live, but I wish I could forgive & not hold grudges. What can help me deal with the childhood scars & shame I carry? I’m very lonely, yet I have people around. 7/9/24 @ 2:54P.
Can you please do a video on a DA returning after ghosting with an apology and how to communicate with them? Mine came back, chit chatted a bit then abruptly disappeared again, this time mid conversation. I didn’t lay into them about the ghosting and kept the convo light about work. Now not sure whether to reach out and tell them how much it really did affect me (as I kind of brushed it under the rug), then be direct and ask if they want to continue contact or wish each other the best and cease contact. Or might they come back again after a few days since the vulnerable I’m sorry texts may have brought up some emotions?
My DA ex contacted me after 2 years and continued to pursue me. It’s been 6 years now and he’s still pursuing me and recently suggesting to try again and telling me he wants to marry me. I still don’t know how I feel.
I would love that second video. I think I fall into being an FA and my partner is an DA. We were together almost 4 yrs but broke up because we argued too much. After learning about attachment styles a few weeks ago and making my own changes and incorporating it into how I talk to him etc has made alot of progress because we haven't argued in a few weeks which is huge for us. We still talk, love eachother very much and want a future together but he's afraid if he commits again we will only go into the same bad patterns. Therefore, we have been in a more or less a situationship for about 8 months and have been incorporating the new changes for about 3 weeks. I know he still loves me and wants a future with me. Im just not sure how to get to that point currently of getting out of a situationship and move back into the relationship stage without it pushing him away in any way. I have been very gentle about "teaching" him about how he could help me in terms of being more vocal about his needs as a DA so that we argue less and slowly learn better things that work to make us connect better instead of always arguing etc and overall have a healthier relationship together. Since coming across your channel (which taught me that Attachment styles are even a thing let alone the types, what they look like etc) I have been learning alot, so thank you so much for what you do. I do apologize for the novel I wrote. I wanted to give as much info as i could to paint a better/bigger picture of the situation so that the advice goes the best direction possible. Thank you.
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w absolutely. Well first I did some self evaluation and learned about what triggers me in terms of making me anxious or insecure and overall looked at ways to slowly build into becoming the secure attachment style in myself after identifying my own attachment style(FA) like more independence, self regulation, self soothing, self policing ,and understanding my feelings then unpack it when I'm ready before talking etc or I go workout beforehand so that I feel better or like I'm no longer emotional before I have a conversation even small ones while also feeling better about myself without needing so much validation from him/others or needing to vent so often while not putting the burden on him as much to make me feel better while lessening my resentments. One of the big things I also learned is how much I took things personally when in all reality it was just unspoken needs he has but wouldn't articulate like coming home and sitting by himself in front of the TV until bedtime and wouldn't want to spend alone time together and I was taking that as I was unimportant etc sometimes they don't even realize or see it as their needs or that they even have needs . I was also not articulating my own needs as clearly as I thought I was so you gotta be very detailed and specific about what you want/need like hey I'd like to spend time together when you're comfortable after some alone time. Set a time about when you would wanna start and for about how long otherwise they see it as they have to drop everything and spend all their free time with you and it will make them uncomfortable about losing their independence and their alone time to themselves(be careful with your tone of voice and facial expressions). Also when you speak, it's very important to not be "emotionally charged" so that the bombardment of emotions doesn't immediately make a negative feeling come up with them and they would feel unsettled about what you're asking or talking about especially talking about problems or needs of my own so he wouldn't listen as well or as much. I also word things very gently when I talk to him about my needs or something that he did that I didn't like etc like I avoid saying you didn't do this or that or you did this ( it's like pointing a finger at them and wagging it). I simply say is there a way we can do this or that differently so that both of our wants/needs are met without using the word compromise because they see it as sacrificing, not that it's coming to an even balance. I also tell him if I'm happy then I can in return make you a happier partner if we both feel heard. I ask if he needs alone time to slowly teach him to voice his needs and to stay on the same page together or instead of asking how he is feeling, I ask what is he thinking (currently in a long distance situation so we mostly talk on the phone) so that if I don't get a text for awhile I don't take it personally or what did I do wrong and I tell him I respect it, support it, and will be here when he's ready. I randomly tell him that I'm proud of him and to point out stuff he does that I like and that he's doing a great job as he makes little changes that he probably doesn't realize he's even doing because they slowly mirror the changes you make and slowly improve without feeling pressure to change. I will also tell him I'm here for him even if he doesn't take it or need it, it still reminds him that he doesn't have to do everything alone so that we can grow interdependence but also have our independence while telling him that he can still be independent while have interdependence with me. I do everything kinda like talking to my autistic child but not in a degrading manner for an adult. I also tell him I wanna be as fair as possible as a team and that we aren't against each other. Also they really need to feel supported,accepted, heard, they're in a safe space, and to feel understood as much as we do but they are hypersensitive to needing those without actually admitting it because they might see it as they seem weak or vulnerable. It is also very important to not put on the person the things and love you give should be exactly as you get back in return like doing things you would want to receive for yourself but still have give/take. sorry again for another novel lol. However I do hope it helps. I watched a lot of attachment style videos so that's how I learned these things especially from this particular creator. I learned all of this in the last 3 weeks in my spare time so I had no idea until now because I was dedicated to improving things and didn't want to lose the person I feel is the one for me. Our biggest issue was communication and that's why we argued so much like daily. We dated for 4 yrs and it's just now taking me until now to truly understand him because he never really opened up and always kept me at a small distance. With enough love, time, dedication and truly understanding their attachment style I truly believe you can have an amazing relationship with a DA despite hearing/seeing others say run away etc. Sometimes love has hard moments but ultimately understanding eachothers AS and together becoming secure attachments( as a team and individual process) helps incorporate new, healthier habits and goals. I hope that answered any questions. However, if they choose to never change that's also important to note while also giving a chance to make changes.
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w I did but Im not sure if it posted and stuck. I no longer see it on my end so I'm not sure if it was taken down or if it's just on my end
I would enjoy a video about what to do when the DA wants to reconnect, has done some work, and seems to want to move towards a more secure attachment style. She had become my best friend, then lover over a couple of years. She had just ask us to be a couple before suddenly leaving the relationship. I had been taking things slow, I could sense she needed it, but only learned about the DA traits after the breakup. Thanks for everything you do!
Me too. FA here and he was FA leaning DA. He kept trying to pull back. So I went from all in to asking to end it the next day (FA and safety need). Needles to say, this upset him. But I didn’t do no contact after. I failed that part.
How do you handle no contact with a DA when you work together!? It's been so hard. I don't go out of my way to communicate, but we see each other at work a lot.
Hey I would love if you did a video on when & how soon after meeting DA ex to start discussing what their intentions are regarding the relationship- they ended the relationship but returned after 6months saying they missed my companionship and wanted to get to know me again …. I want to know how I should be approaching discussing moving forward without causing him to retract…
What if your DA went immediately into a rebound relationship Thais......will they still make contact or try to get back with you if the rebound failed?
He always reaches out after no contact. It usually takes about 5/6 weeks. I blocked him on FB. He was not happy about it. It’s been a month and I saw him recently on my birthday weekend. He wouldn’t even look at me. 😢
I did when I was with an FA. She messed me up and I realized I had issues as well (I felt anxiety from her hot and cold behavior and her very very close relationships with other guys who gave her attention, which she hid from me). I never felt anxious in a relationship before and didn’t know how to handle it. It’s how I stumbled on this channel and decided I needed therapy.
@@MrRob2084 Yeah, maybe you do need a therapy or maybe you need a girlfriend who does not need a bunch of other guys to entertain her and serve her as ego boosts/validation supply. Maybe she could benefit from therapy too, since you don't feel that you just cannot live without a bunch of very close women-friends. But she needs her "brothers".
I can't speak for everyone, but healing is hard! When I started PDS last year I felt like I was emotionally spiraling because "the work" requires you to go back and figure out where those triggers originated from. Bad memories and traumas that you compartmentalize in the back of your brain and never wanted to bring out start appearing. Then once you open that floodgate, more memories start coming through and you are stuck dealing with ALL of it. Doing this work was literally the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I think maybe some people don't think they are mentally capable of doing this and I get it. 😢
@AmericanDreamer 🙏🙏 I've been in therapy all along due to this painful dynamic, he is an amazing man but sadly doesnt seem to face accountability or his demons ....he thinks/believes travelling from place to place, person to person is the answer....leaving a trail of pain behind....😢
Hi Thais I have a question. Growing up with a borderline parent I developed a DA attachment style. Quite understandably So. I started to work with your work last year and practiced vulnerability exposure work. It was beautiful and I started to see effects around me. Unfortunately over Christmas I had to go home to my family and open as I was I began sharing vulnerably about myself to them. Unfortunately they reacted the same way they did in my childhood: complete and brutal rejection and dismissal of myself and my feelings. It put me in deep shock. I have been changed ever since and opening up again to be vulnerable again seems impossible now. I have since gone no contact with my family but my guard is back up and my shell is as tightly closed as ever. I can completely understand why I have this attachment style - it made complete sense in the environment I grew up in to Protect myself as much as I can. It seems to be impossible to me though to open up around others and to keep my guard up around my parents and siblings. It is asking too much of me and the price I paid for being vulnerable to them is just too high. What do I do? I have become closed off again and the idea of sharing vulnerably seems out of reach and too costly. There is a reason for our attachment styles and our past isn’t actually over with our families… I wish things were different. Around a borderline parent it seems to be necessary to protect oneself at all costs. Hope to hear your advice ✨
I'm curious, My ex and I broke up after 5 years 6 months ago, she came back during that to take a peak when she got lonely or whatever, I kept fighting for our relationship. Then I'd realize it was over so I'd go my own way and she would always pop back up. Now at this point, I've literally moved on, I'm happier now without her, I see I deserve better and she is in the Same place she was when we split, I've grown. Id bet she pops back up soon, its like she can feel when i lose interest. only this time, I really do not want to be with her again. I'd be open to hearing her out, but if she texted or called me right now, I'd probably answer with "is everything ok", just due to the fact i told her I'd always be there if she needed me or was in trouble, She always told me she was afraid of being abandoned. But i really dont see me welcoming her back into my life. I'm better now. What do you guys think? Will she pop back up or run for good? again, i'm good. I've moved on with my life, but it seems that when they always come back.
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w has been some weeks and has been some months. But this time it’s been 4 months and I’ve completely seperated myself from her. Dont contact her or reach out. I high is the first time in 5 years she hasn’t had me around. I’m sure it’s a shock to her in some way
Thais could you please make a video on navigating no contact with someone you have to interact with all the time? My ex (DA) and I (FA) broke up in November and have to work together and it’s been so emotionally draining. We have done no contact and I try to be normal at work but she stonewalls me or is unpredictable with her interactions (sometimes friendly other times mean). Thank you! You’ve helped me so much already.
Please teach your daughter that she needs to be secure in herself and not to let anybody take here self worth away. Please take it from me, ive just broken off a 6 year relationship and now realize how tumultuous it has been. Ive fallen for this and it has taken alot away from me..
What if the words “break up” were never mentioned? No communication by either side in a month now, I believe because I asked him to open up, tell me what happened. I couldn’t have been more gentle. He did respond however, when I texted about an unrelated, community matter, but he played dumb when I briefly asked one question about us. I let it go. Should I reach out again?
I totally forsee him coming back after no contact. 100%. We loved each other. I don't care how long he wants his space. But I told him when we broke up to promise me to work it out with me when he does come back. I REFUSE to go through that again. We are not fighting like that ever again. I'm not sitting through getting told I need a therapist for expressing a need when I see you running around with your ex and you got caught. I see through that and know he just wanted freedom. But don't be a liar. Don't be an asshole either.
Maybe if you beg them to come back. A DA is not “wishy washy”, and they cannot acknowledge that they’ve made mistakes. I think a lot of people confuse FAs for DAs, and FAs will often come back on their own after NC. I think DAs are often perceived as secure actually.
@@komatsu8169 Well I thought that I will regulate myself much better since Ive learned some stuff about regulation but I gave her seen on 3 messages after 7 days so it didnt end up well I just lost will to do it more. But she came back on Ester and used it as a execuse, wich is fine, to message me but and she said will see each other in May but next night she said I am good friend wich is also fine cause it just her pull away.
@@julesD0222 I ve said wee are done and she comfirmed I was OK with it but then I thought she was maybe sarcastic. She only mirored my energy and I gues I didnt like that.
@@komatsu8169 I ve learned some stuff about regulation so I thought I will do it better but after 7 days I gave her seen on 3 mesagges. She came back on Easter and after some time she said ww will see each other in May and next night she said I am a good friend. I gues she was triger when Ive said in dont mind to not see you anymore I dont even need to write to you. I ve said that right after she said we will see each other in May and I ve meant it wich is crazy from me. We match each others energies in couple more mesagess and she left me on seen when I ve match her break up in a nice wayn energie in her last message. Shes now look at my ing stories.
I’ll never initiate contact with my avoidant ex. She’s doing things to try to get my attention, but it’s not gonna do shit. Eventually, she will be a memory, nothing more. And I won’t be surprised if I never hear from her prideful ass the rest of my life
![[TH] VALORANT Champions Seoul - Grand Final - EDG vs TH](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/WvObMc9VelI/mqdefault.jpg)
Please share your experience with no Contact with a DA!
After taking 4 attachment style tests (including yours) I tested secure on 3 out of 4 of them (one if them was yours). The other one I tested DA and from watching your videos I see myself in things like autonomy and slowly warming up.
That said, when people go no contact with me, I just assume they want nothing to do with me and move on. I actually cut off several people I really liked as friends who stopped taking my phone calls and unfriended me on social media. In essence, I view the no contact as a subtle hint that the person no longer wants me around and I simply oblige.
@@sifublack192 no contact refers to the period after a romantic relationship has broken up and the person who got broken up with does not contact their ex, usually for a minimum of 30 to 60 days, so they can concentrate on healing as well as give the person who did the breaking up space. it refers to not reaching out to the person who did the breaking up unless the other person reaches out first, out of respect for oneself and for the persons decision who did the breaking up. that is a different situation to so-called friends walking away without warning/prior discussion.
@@sifublack192 thank you for sharing
I have to admit something I think I should feel guilty over. Today I (AP) decided to leave my DA of 9 months. She cheated in a context that was forgivable. But having the conversation of "here's what I need" was like pulling teeth. And even after, that conversation just rooted her in her fears. I should've given her space to process and overcome those fears, but I was losing my mind. Today I decided to break things off because she couldn't meet my expectations (after only a few days of actually talking about things). For today, I failed no contact, but moving forward, I'm literally an atheist praying that she realizes what we meant to each other and comes back. I know no contact shouldn't be a manipulation tactic, but it's the only thing I think is going save an unhealthy relationship I have to probably the most special and beautiful person, inside and out, that I have ever met.
I've been through hell in relationships, but nothing has ever hit me this hard. I'll be signing up for the program tomorrow.
One i dated 2 years ago recently contacted me and apologized for the way she acted and took accountability for everything she said. She gave me a full explanation and told me she has started going to therapy. Then she kissed me.
Yes, a DA can come back after no contact. I had the experience with a DA. I've realized that we had great chemistry and connection, but we were incompatible. Because my needs would end up being neglected while I would be doing all the work. Started to feel one sided and transactional. I've decided to move on because she wouldn't put the work in, even though she acknowledged that she had things she needed to work on
DITTO!!
Good for you, the right woman wont keep pulling away… waste of energy
at least your ex could see that there was work to be done. mine refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing, so I left too
Needed to hear this…. I miss & love my DA but it *does always seem to feel so one-sided. Like my DA could live with me or without me, doesn’t matter either way to them. That’s not love.
Do you think Avoidants are more likely to send hints/signals to get your attention rather than directly reaching out? If so, why?
If you decide to go no contact with anyone, it's best to continue it and don't look back.
Amen! Go no contact and don’t ever contact them again.
I lost my best friend because of this. She is a DA, and I was fine handling her DA flakiness in our friendship....I couldn't when we became lovers. She brutally ghosted me, gaslit the experience we shared, and then came crawling back asking for 'friendship' again. I oscillate between feeling badly for her, and hating her.
you should feel like she's just a cat coming and going, nor bad nor hateful. It's her nature, like a robot.
Same...it's a really brutal experience, straight up murder on your soul, it's the worst. It's disgusting. A complete violation of trust and lack of humanity delivered to you unfairly, and without explanation or closure. And they just want more. Ridiculously difficult to heal and integrate into your life, with or without them. Good luck, friend.
@archonofvoid That was incredibly insensitive to advise that she "should " or "should not" feel a certain way. Her friend's (pattern of) DA behavior has been hurtful to the person and has damaged the relationship. The DA will continue to behave in this way if it is simply excused and tolerated as you suggest.
@@archonofvoid Like they said, it was easier to brush their behavior off when it was a friendship, not a partnership, and I have to agree with them there.
@@shannonlogue-chrysalisfitn8572 it was just realistic. Couldn't care less of the nonconstructive compassion you value and provide.
Besides feel was a synonym of think, no emotions have been discussed but a framework of mind.
Go ahead encouraging hate in others as if it's going to lead to any good and enjoy being forgot the day after due to your useless contribution. I'll rather try to provide some stimulating intellectual point that could stick or lead to realizations.
Begone snowflake
'Sometimes you have to let go of what's hurting you, even if it hurts to let go.' Life moves on, just learn the lessons that relationship taught you and you'll get something stronger.
Just went through this situation! The part that especially resonated was how in the first few weeks she was incredibly communicative, emotionally available, and comfortable in the relationship. This was especially true during the couple weeks around the Holidays when we were in different cities. As soon as things got serious though I could feel her pulling away. It happened incredibly quickly. Quite the whirlwind of emotions!
I am now a couple weeks into no contact. Let's see how it goes!
My brother, she will always pull away and come back and pull away… and believe me, it will get to the point where you realize you lost focus on your goals and other important things because she will make you anxious. Cut your loss… a woman who appreciates you won’t pull away. Especially for weeks…
@joev7014 I definitely agree with you. But I'm willing to (down the road) give this one more try. First will mean fully moving on but the highs of this relationship were so high that under different circumstances I'd want to try again. She is also going through a complicated breakup and probably rushed too quickly into this. So it really might also just be a timing thing.
@@sagarwadgaonkar7580 I’ll tell you the truth. Your situation sounds exactly like mine. My ex came out of a toxic relationship and I tried to be the guy that can help her because I’m a “good guy”, I’m a “patient guy”. In the end she went back with him slept with him and played pure mind games. She broke my heart and I let her do it again before I finally seen through the manipulation… when a woman pulls away, believe me. She is putting her attention into someone else… that’s it. Especially if it’s been weeks… DAs can come back but it’s only to keep you around their orbit. They can only appreciate you when you’re not around. As soon as they sense your close, boom ghosted… experience is the best teacher tho. Good luck brother
In my experience they usually do after a looong time.
It doesn't mean anything has changed, though.
He just left out of nowhere, after 6 years.. over a year and a half, never got any closure. And as hurt as I was, I've now seen I was lucky.
Same for me Next week marks one year since blocking and not saying a word after
I’d be willing to make a pretty large bet that she’s never coming back. She turned her feelings off literally overnight. If feelings can change that quickly, they were never genuine to begin with.
The DA will suppress their feelings and act cold. After some months it hits them.
That actually isn’t necessarily true, if she is fearful avoidant ( mix of anxious and avoidant, so a double whammy) then at first she will cling and try and be needy, and put her heart and soul into it, but if she’s getting nothing back the avoidant side will kick in and they slam the drawbridge up and are done! Not because they never loved you - but because love feels so scary and unsafe - so it’s a self protection mechanism. Inside they are being tortured with feelings of not being loved, wanted or good enough (especially in the anxious still trying phase). The anxious avoidant (fearful avoidant) has usually had a childhood you could make a horror film out, they want love but it is mixed with great fear. The more securely attached you are the better. They aren’t playing games - they want to learn but don’t know how to feel safe in love. It’s kind of like if someone cuddled you whilst holding a knife to your throat kind of feeling, and it is a wound they got from being raised like that as a child. Kindness goes a long long way helping with anxious attachment of any kind, and explaining why on boundaries too (as they won’t have any, as they weren’t allowed them and grew up in boundary less houses - note not homes). It’s sad.
@thepersonaldevelopmentschool - Thais - is this something you could do more videos on explaining to people please, from how fearful avoidant don’t do it with malice to why they are like it to most importantly how they can heal it (as it seems to me they have double the work to do!) and also thank you so much for your videos, you are saving lives here, never mind relationships! And maybe do a video on mental health and each attachment type - as I know DA’s are prone to being numb and feel dead inside, (hence a lot watch horror films or porn - to try to feel anything!) and FA’s are prone to severe depression and often misdiagnosed with ADHD or bipolar especially as they are so up and down! To all you securely attached folks out there - please go give your parents a hug and say thank you to them, they are solid gold! ❤
She may not be fearful avoidant of course, and in my experience DA’s have a very weak idea of ‘love’ as they’ve never experienced true love as kids so don’t know how to give it to you. It’s like asking them to speak a forgein language they’ve never heard of! Again it’s a self protection mechanism.
I think the wisest thing I’ve heard is ‘it’s not rejection - it’s protection’. And sometimes we can only love people from afar. For our own wellbeing. And that is what you need to focus on now, healing you and trusting your own wisdom again. Because you deserve to be happy. ❤ @BruceJC75
Yes a video for what to do next!!!!!❤❤❤❤❤
Would you want that person to return, really? They may come back this time but it wont be long until they disappear again.
It might be difficult to let go of love, but its important to know that its not love, its trauma induced infatuation.
Go to therapy, rewire your brain and try go out and experience what true love is
‘It’s not love - it’s trauma induced infatuation’. Bam! Felt that in my Soul… 💜
He ghosted me and after a few weeks I got the "How are you doing?" text. I was soo mad that I responded the next day, "I'm fine." Kinda passive agressive maybe? Didn't hear back from him. This was 1 month ago and I'm still going true intense heartbreak and regret the "I'm fine" text, because that wasn't the truth at all :( I'm afraid he started seeing other girls and will forget about me, but I also think I could never trust him again since he dropped me so easily... It's hard.
i'm fine is not passive aggressive, but if you want to give him at least a chance you should have added how about you? Too late and unnecessary.
He’ll probably see other girls. But he’ll never forget you. It hurts now but you’ll heal in time. I promise you that.
Its what they do,its not personal even tho it feels personal.I have met many of them,they all come back but really we need somebody who can reciprocate and they can not and will not.They need to leave ppl alone and go seek help.
See your worth.
Being a DA sucks! It’s like trying to hug people but you’re made of spikes.
You want to heal, but desperately don’t want to heal either.
Torture, on top of causing others pain.
What do you need most from a partner?
desperately dont want to heal??
@@sf808opalaman Other people are dangerous to a DA. Our behaviour patterns keep us safe.
the hedgehog's dilemma
Just be celebate and leave us normal people TF alone!!!
Absolutely! Mine did but I gave him space to reflect while I did my own thing . No pressure , no passive aggression . Just space to choose
5 months later… can you provide an update?
Yes please do a separate video on what to do if he re-emerges and how to tell if he’s ready!
I’m looking forward to this video as well. I’m an avoidant and my gf left me about 2 months ago. I instantly went to the lab. I wanted to know where and why I failed from a religious, psychological, and dating coach viewpoint. I’ve realized so much and am still learning. I’m doing therapy weekly, renewed my relationship w/ God, I’m journaling, reading and just being more intentional. While I feel more confident, I want to ensure that I learn the right way so that I never experience this again whether or not my ex chooses to reconcile when I reach out. At the end of the day I’m doing it for me and know I will be much better equipped whether it be w/ my ex or someone else. I hope it works out for you.
Can you PLEASE do a video on how to successfully reconnect once they come back?
She's done these videos if you look on her channel.
Yes, I want to see what you have to say about this Thais.
th-cam.com/video/JB6VAt0yNqg/w-d-xo.htmlsi=klEeyc0nx0CkglDa
YES, PLEASE, Thais, do videos on how to communicate after the DA reappears - please do one for situationships as well.
😅
@nomkhosibuthelezi1208,
What's so funny jerk?!!!
I always get comments in here after i commented with my truth and my story how mean and cruel i am when i describe how my DA ex had treated me and how i absolutely feel nothing romantic for him anymore. Ive moved on and im actually ralking to someone, very slowly and starting out as friends after my ex had broken up with me last year. I truly wish him the best after seeing he had a new gf on social media. I hope he gets it together , but i have serious doubts. His age, life experiences and previous relationship all influence him being very overly avoidant. Being 51 yrs old and never being married, i find it hard to believe that someone is going to come along and just make him commit, warm, and open. Wish all you DA’s the best!
It's nice to read a positive update from your story. I'd recommend you stop checking in on your ex's IG, so you can be free to fully experience this new person
I know this will be my ex's fate as well. He was single before me for a reason.. he'll probably end up single and divorced at his "age to marry" of 45.
@@HustleHabitthanks, i actually wasnt checking. You know how you have a friend suggestions on facebook? This is where he showed up. He never had social media when we were together, so i was actually surprised to see him on fb. I see the new girlfriend there as he has a very unique name, not any other person who has his name because its a very uncommon name. Facebook will friend suggest you someone who’s number you have stored on your phone if that number is connected to their social media.
I have since removed him from the friend suggestions tab, and ive moved on. Weirdly enough on March 3, it has since been one year since i last saw him. I suppose thats the biggest factor ive also moved on- out of sight, out of mind.
Update on new person, we both realized we are not taking the next step towards a relationship. We just talk on social media, and thats it. Both of us realized we’re just not in the headspace for a relationship. Its all good! 😊
@@lmart16yeah, unless he decides to do some work, then itll be the same story rehashed multiple times. I wish all of us the best in this journey. Im loving the single life. I have so much work to do on me. I realize where i went wrong, and how toxic i am, and it adds to my anxious attachment. I realized one big thing, i am no longer attracted to avoidant behavior.
I also realized that judging avoidant people is now a fhing of the past for me. They are flawed, i am flawed, and im only in a position to state my needs to ask for what i deserve. Im not here any longer to urge change towards other people since it may not be in their timeline to be ready. If i notice that im not getting what i want, then i will simply believe that perhaps a mismatch is present, and i will most certainly move ahead, and not push for anyone else’# behavior to change.
Its an exercise in futility and it wastes both my time, and the others, by insisting they be who i want.
I think the moment anxious people realize that its really not your place to wait for anyone to grow or change, and just consider it a mismatch is perhaps the day you are set free from the outcome of expectations.
In my personal experience:..
If *I* broke up with *them* ... they completely respect that decision and have too much pride and fear to reach out.
If *they* broke up with *me* , but genuinely regretted it, I'd know very quickly. Between a few days and 3 months.
Am I the only one who feels absolutely secure that their DA is smitten with them, loves and adores them, even if they still have their attachment wounds to recover from?
You're not alone. My ex DA adores me. ❤ It took a long time and a ton of healing to believe him, but he does. I don't think we are on the same page with things, so we opted to be friends, but he's a sweetheart and we'll always love each other. ❤
@SunshineAndSnowflakes this is me and my DA. Almost three years and recently, I finally gave in to his request for 'just friends'. I had to call off all things physical, which hurts because the physical was my way of feeling that love and acceptance from him that he wasn't willing to commit to long term. He is a wonderful man who cares for me deeply. But is honest about being unable to give me what I've hoped we could work towards. I hope we can stay friends. He has been my best friend for three years and we rely on each other. So difficult a place to be ❤❤❤
@@mlong506 I understand and I feel your pain. I've been close friends with my ex for many years before we dated. We've done the situationship and the relationship. With the relationship, I think he thought the label was enough, but didn't want to progress or make plans to progress. Our relationship was fun, but felt like we were in high-school or two best friends hanging out who slept together. We could never make it past the power struggle phase though. Every 4 to 6 months I found myself leaving after we either couldn't get on the same page or couldn't communicate through an argument. If my feelings for him weren't so strong, I'd keep it more casual so he could be at peace with us. I had to cut off all intimacy last year too. We still talk fairly regularly and it's clear feelings are there, but I'm staying career focused and trying not to think into stuff he says. It's too bad. We're great together for the most part.
Why don't these advisors start being more honest and just say that a lot of people were crappy parents instead of walking on eggshells about it?
MAKE THEM TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY‼️
If you dumped them well up front you won't have to worry. DA have no skillsets to be in a healthy relationship. Why would you want them back?
some can have really good heart, they really suffer, even from hurting you.. but yes hard to see the resistance of even admitting being a DA..
but thats what they are..
This really helpful thank you I would love more info on how to have Vulnerable conversations with a DA Without triggering them ❤
Yes yes yes! Although Thais has done videos on the subject here and there, but more on how to communicate with DAs without triggering them would be soooo useful.
I would like a video about reconnection
In my view we had a period of no contact but I don’t feel we we disconnected . So therefore no need to reconnect necessarily. But generally , people really need to stop pressuring the person to relate but also don’t take it personally if they take space . If it’s meant to be it will be with anyone . If you have to force it , they aren’t the one for you .
@thepersonaldevelopmentschool I wish we had videos on if the DA breaks up with you vs you break up with them bc I've found the difference to be drastic.
DAs sound like cowards. How is this fair to anyone they would be in relationship? As an SA, I don't have the patience for this childish behavior. This violates my boundaries.
That s exactly what I said : cowards! That s what they should be ashamed off firstly! Not the other non reasonable stuff... they weak and backwards
Well said. At first I wanted desperately to go back to my ex (probably FA), but not anymore. I would be wasting my time on someone who is not healthy while I could be with someone fun and mature.
People don't waste your time on Avoidants, go and figure your own problems out so you can be with someone who is good for you.
My da comes back after 8 weeks and wanted to talk. We talked but not anything serious or address the issue and then I told him to get Lost for good because I love myself better than him.
Just went thru my first situationship (25M). Most confusing thing ever. Just discovered the traits of a DA and it all makes sense now. I opened up too much and made mistakes and really have strong regrets, trying not to beat myself up too much
Forgive yourself and understand, even if you were perfect, it probably wouldn't have been enough. Just learn from it and grow to be a better you
Self forgiveness is the first year of therapy I always say -(are you anxious attachment). We work so hard to make relationships work. Show up for yourself at the beginning of the next thing and ask for what you want and need. Know that it’s mostly our ego wanting to not be bruised and to win them back. In reality we want someone emotionally available for us too. All we can do be that. (Aka not neglectful ) towards ourselves finding out our needs. We are other motivated that’s not wrong. To be that way. They have a shot glass to give we need a pint to fill up. If you’re going to thrive with an avoidant you
Need a full life to fill the rest of your glass. It’s all working out for us. In your visioning and dreaming and fantasizing say this person or someone even better for me. (For you. Kk). The best is yet to come kk. You got this. The healed you. Will be able to navigate this better with that person or date someone less triggering I promise kk. Hugs and love. Been there❤
Were you the DA or them?
@@audtasticgirl she was the DA
@@Adam-hx1gwtrust me, remember this message… you lost nothing. If she’s a DA. She will keep pulling away and make you anxious no matter if you give her space or not… I tried for 2 years. It’ll affect your health and your goals. There’s a woman out there, that will appreciate you during the relationship, not when you’re in no contact
I've been watching a ton of your videos and just wanted to say thank you! They are really helpful and informative for me, and I really appreciate you sharing your expertise
As a DA I can safely say that if I break up with someone for good and I don’t have feelings anymore, I will never go back. If someone broke up with me and I did not want it, I’ll reach out once and if there’s no response, I do not reach out again even if I want to.
A lot of people who suddenly ghost or breakup are FA. Many DAs will go cold over time and slow fade. That suddenness is more FA. It takes a lot for me to connect with people and equally hard to disconnect.
Agreed. When it's over, we know it's over. Plus many of us do respect boundaries. If someone doesn't want contact with us, so be it. Their choice. We aren't coming back
I m an FA we don't do that either... more than you... you breaking up with us is breaking our trust.. first thing after a break up we feel a lot of relief.. and if you weren t submissive to us, ur outta here
Please make another video explaining how to have the conversation about moving in the right direction with the DA after no contact to facilitate breaking the cycle
I’ve gone NC several times with my ex. He usually comes back between 2-4 weeks but doesn’t want to actually commit. So frustrating. This time it’s been 5 weeks so far and nothing yet but I feel like I’m done. I don’t think he’ll change and I feel like he thinks I’ll always be here.
Probably best not to continue this type of dynamic if you're not happy. He'll keep doing it as long as you let him.
Try your best to move on. I had the same situation with my ex girlfriend. They’ll pull away forever and see other people while they’re doing it. Just walk away. Show your strength
Is he a DA?
I broke up with avoidant ex 6 months ago. I chased for 20 days after that i was ghosted. I hurted so baddd and I see this topic and learned from many videos. I'm good now , move on , no sensitive, not bite and chill with my life. I have been being in no contact 150 days. I already think that she will not contact me forever. Last night, out of the blue, she contact me with non sense things. It's unbelieveable. She orbit close by herself. I answer with no emotional text and not asking anything now , just answer what she want to know. Let's see if she come more closer or scared and run away again xD. Hope you all have some luck like me and be strong everyone. Make sure you learn and improve yourselves first. Thank you for all the thing. I will keep update if i have more info.
I don't know about your time-frame estimates. I've been in a strict no-contact for 8 months now and going. Nothing from her at all and it was an otherwise very loving relationship of 9 months. Nothing makes sense, but I've got my life to live. Her loss.
Her time frame doesn't apply in every situation. Unfortunately when some people end it, they end it for good. Honestly, if it wasn't for exes reaching out to me I would never try and rekindle it.
No contact should be used as a form of bettering ourselves and moving on from the past relationship, but there's so much stuff out there saying it will eventually bring your ex back which is not always the case. I wish you well on your healing. ❤
I find through personal experience and hearing others' stories that female DAs tend to leave and stay gone. Good riddance, honestly.
Please please please do a video as to what to say and do when they come back !!! I’ve been in no contact for a year , maybe he won’t ever come back but at least I show up for myself everyday and I choose me and I’m sure I’m going to eventually find someone who shows up for me and wants what I’m also looking for ❤❤❤❤ you deserve love
Please do the additional video on what to do if they decide they want to show up!! 🙏🏿❤ Also, isn’t it more lokely that the DA gets approached about repairing the relationship and the secure person offers a roadmap with some boundaries for both?
As the dismissive- if I'm done with you, I'm done. I am a bit older (39) and don't ghost. But I let people know if I want to be with them and if I don't want to be with you I'll let you know that too. I think most dismissive avoidants who are a bit more mature will be pretty open and honest and not ghost or play with your feelings by coming in and out of your life. When I was younger however I largely assumed noone really cared that much anyway so ghosting or casually chatting with past people wasn't a big deal to my perspective because I couldn't imagine you'd be affected by my presence or absence either way.
Do you let them know the details about why you don’t want to be with them or what was the turn off during the relationship that made you pull away?
Excellent video as always Thais... but what do you do when they reappear? I mean, how can you properly handle the situation trying not to trigger their fears again?
Because I think I did that with my request to talk on the phone once a week. He said he didn’t want to feel guilty if he didn’t show up but he was like we can be friends and if it turns into a relationship then ok but he doesn’t want to start out working towards a relationship
They want your attention without any of the commitment. Just ignore them and move on. DA people that aren’t actually working on themselves are toxic and not worth the time. - btw I’m a former DA
don't. Walking on eggshells is unhealthy
Please do a video on how to approach possibly reconnecting!
❤
I would definitely like to see more videos about what to do in
The reconnecting phase post-no contact. Many experts say to keep things light during that reconnecting phase, which my DA ex & I (FA) have done for six months now, but trying to find the point at which to bring up the possibility of getting back together again is hard for fear of scaring the DA away, especially if it’s them who initiated the break up. I also feel like part of respecting their decision to break up means giving them the space to initiate if and when they feel ready to try again, but at the same time
I’m not going to put my life on hold forever either. I’ve seen your previous video where you talk about having the talk about what didn’t work, needs going forward, how to avoid previous pitfalls, etc., but how do you even get to that point if you’re keeping things light and not talking about the relationship just to let momentum build. I feel like having those conversations about what didn’t work has to come once you’ve decided to try again, but how do you transition from reconnecting/keeping things light to initiating the conversation of trying again? If the DA ex thinks they are too late, and regrets the break up, will they even take a chance of initiating getting back together, or is it better for the other person to try to initiate it? I’m debating whether or not to bring up the topic of trying again or to just walk away and leave it up to my DA ex as to whether or not they want to bring that up, since the break up was their choice so perhaps it should be their choice to initiate trying again. I’ve done my best to move on and concentrate on other things in life, but would be open to trying again if only my DA ex would bring it up. Sometimes it feels like they might be getting close to that point, but as previously mentioned, I’m not going to wait around forever either.
I'm in PDS and have listened to so many people with their opinions on this. In the end, I did what felt right to me.
My DA ex came back a few times and I always wanted to bring up serious topics, but I wouldn't. So this last time, I laid it all on the table ahead of time because at this point I'd rather lose him indefinitely than stay in a situation that wasn't working for me. So when he brought up us seeing each other, I straight out asked what he's looking for. He wanted only me, but not a serious relationship. I declined. That was that. I don't like wishy washy behavior nor do I want to get close again and worry about this conversation a few months down the line. He's still a good friend and we keep in contact, but he knows where I stand.
The funny thing is, I don't even care to be in relationships. I don't have time to invest really, but that's what was perfect about our dynamic. We both had our own lives going on and respected each other's boundaries. But at times he would bring up moving in together or having dinner with my family and I was like what? I don't do that with people I'm casually dating. It seems he kinda wanted both worlds.
Anyway, I personally think it's best to get it over or you risk getting caught up in confusion.
@@LeeChrissy, thanks for this, I like the idea of just simply coming out and asking what my DA is looking for from me at this point. It’s a way to gauge where their head is at without putting pressure. now to find the right moment to gently bring that up… That’s the challenge I’ve been having, but that’s the simplest script I’ve come across yet. I don’t want to get into the more complex stuff until I know what direction they even want to take, and like you, I may end up having to take a step back, but it’s better to know than not and waste a bunch of time hoping if it turns out we’re not on the same page. I had actually set a deadline to start taking a step back, but then they started taking steps to move closer, so now i’m trying to find the right moment to bring this up before giving up all together.
@@gogohappygirl I totally understand. Honestly, I think if I didn't make such a big deal about the label and "where is this going" thing, we would still be together and it would have naturally evolved. The thing is, I'm uncomfortable in the unknown. I just can't do it and he is uncomfortable with committing because he feels like he'll be trapped and they'llbe too many expectations. I don't EVER want someone to feel that way with me. I want him to be happy too. So I had to let him go. 😔
In your situation, I think it's good you're being so thoughtful about this conversation. It's such a hard thing to bring up because it's a delicate situation. I think what helped me was figuring out and standing firm with my own goals and non-negotiables. After that, his answer didn't matter because I kept emotions out of it and funny enough, he didn't take it well. He was pretty measured, but still reaches out trying to rekindle us. I'm good. I love him but I need direct communication and he can't do that and I understand. It's just not for me. DA's can be great partners, it's just a tough task if only one person is doing the work.
@@LeeChrissy, when you finally did bring up the tough conversation as to what your DA ex wanted from you, did you do it by text, phone/video call or in person?
@@gogohappygirl we were on and off since summer of 2021...always ending by me walking away. So that first year we were in a monogamous situationship for about 5 months. In 2022, we started a situationship again, but I kind of eluded that if this is what he wanted, we weren't going to have any rules. That's when he started bringing up traveling together and having dinner with my family and it started confusing me again and just as I was about to walk away, he asked to make us official. So that year we were together total for about 6 months. Then in 2023 we started a situationship again and he was all over the place talking about possibly moving out of state, but brought up us getting a place together. Again, me being confused, I ended it 5 months later. That's when I joined PDS.
Sorry for the long answer. It's the FA in me. 😂🤣
So that was May and in August he was asking to take me to dinner. I asked why and what was he looking for because I'm looking for something real, not sit in a gray area. That's when he said let's be friends then. I assured him that being just friends with me mean platonic friendship and nothing else. He didn't love that. Lol So now...again...he's been reaching out a lot. He wants to take me to dinner as friends, but he's talking to me the same way he used to when we dated. Very flirty. I love and miss him, but my emotions kinda left the game last year so I'm not thinking into any of this like I would in the past.
Our communication is mainly through text.
I'd love a follow-up video on what to do next. I think I may be dealing with this
I would love to know more about the details you were mentioning after the communication has just started after no contact.
How about when your married to a Avoidant. Weve been separated for 3 yrs. Weve got back together 4 times but found out hes been with someone else all this time. Hasn't asked for a divorce yet. Im working on myself always. Back in no contact again.
Thais, 3 questions please: 1) does it always occur from childhood experiences ? What about later in life, like a cheating spouse experience? 2) do they find it highly embarrassing when they’ve finally been found out after many months in a relationship, and were gently asked to share? Will questioning make them pull away? No communication from either side in a month. The words “break up” were never spoken. Should I reach out, or let him have his space? 3) Do DAs suffer from sexual issues, perhaps PE or ED, or just uncomfortable with close contact? Tysm, don’t know what to do. 🙏😰
Please definitely do a part 2 with what to if they come back. I feel a little lost on how to navigate that!
Please do that video!!!!! I’m anxious and she is dismissive. I also have adhd and I didn’t realize what was going on until recently. We have children together. Been together 15 years. I want to know how to help us.
It's really good to start healing your anxious attachment style too. Both are unhealed styles.
❤
The images of the children are heartbreaking 💔
You here psychoanalyzing your partner or whatever is all the evidence you need to know you are unhappy and it cant work. Is your ideal relationship one that requires fixing, didnt think so
Yes, Thais, please tell us specifically what to say. 🙏
Yes, plz make a video about what to do when they come back and how to deal with the FA and DA in this situation
Yes they do. To leave again. You can try work on yourself, open and mature communication etc. but it wont help. Save yourself a time guys.I was naive and thought i can make it, but just lost so much time in grey zone
Almost 3 months of no contact with my DA ,after a year of communication. He blocked me and said, He was done.
That sounds very FA.
I sent him a video on ghosting by a avoidant he watchedit
Can you please do a video on how to move forward with DA once they return?
@@RT-fs3ttreally sit with your emotions and assess the thoughts and stories you told in the relationship. Be vulnerable and admit you didn’t feel worthy etc and when you reconnect with the DA, tell them all from a non-emotionally burdening way. Then you’ll know in what direction to move forward, either stay together or leave
Wrong move
Yes please share a video what to do after they come back
❤
You are great at what you do,thank you
Would like to see a video about the discussin when a DA comes back, please.
Yes, they do, they just don’t stick around.
So true 😢I got ghost again
Is there any way... At all... That one could bring up, the fact that the avoidant is behaving this irrational? That you can incentivize that they become aware of how they behave. That it's not healthy to run away all the time?
absolutely not, the world is full of avoidants who are completely aware of how they are wired and still can't help it.
Thais is very accurate with her content!
I've been dealing with this since around June of last year. October 31st is when it really started with me practicing the no contact approach. Each month, the DA would contact me in some of the dumbest vague ways in text messages. Even though i didnt contact them to become that " lost puppy " trying to rebuild with them, all of the things said in these videos was true about their behavior and even with me seeing another side of them that showed the inability to make or maintain successful relationships and watching that person continue slipping down the slope. The DA contacted me again yesterday about wanting to go to a gym where I'm a member at but not wanting to come into contact with me (????). Yet another one of their vague messages which finally prompted me to go full no contact blocking them from the last way that they can get in contact with me.
I’m a DA due to childhood trauma. As a teen, I was beaten so badly by my parents that I vowed to NEVER depend on ANYONE for ANYTHING! I’ve taken care of myself, but it’s a lonely world. I met someone whom I thought I would marry, but when he started pulling away, I walked away. That relationship compounded my trauma, and is the biggest mistake of my life! Fast forward years later, the ex calls & wants to be friends. We don’t speak often, but when we do, conversation is great. If the conversation becomes emotional & reminds me of the past, I walk away. I wear shame on my sleeve like a badge of honor, but I don’t allow people to get close to me. It’s an awful way to live, but I wish I could forgive & not hold grudges.
What can help me deal with the childhood scars & shame I carry? I’m very lonely, yet I have people around. 7/9/24 @ 2:54P.
Can you please do a video on a DA returning after ghosting with an apology and how to communicate with them? Mine came back, chit chatted a bit then abruptly disappeared again, this time mid conversation.
I didn’t lay into them about the ghosting and kept the convo light about work. Now not sure whether to reach out and tell them how much it really did affect me (as I kind of brushed it under the rug), then be direct and ask if they want to continue contact or wish each other the best and cease contact. Or might they come back again after a few days since the vulnerable I’m sorry texts may have brought up some emotions?
Since it's been 3 years and 3 days of silent treatment- I doubt it.
My DA ex contacted me after 2 years and continued to pursue me. It’s been 6 years now and he’s still pursuing me and recently suggesting to try again and telling me he wants to marry me. I still don’t know how I feel.
They'll come back cause where they went no one cared like u did 😂😂
Or they discarded the other person .They are disgusting !
Thais, your eyes are gorgeous 😘
It’s been a year. C’est la vie.
I would love that second video. I think I fall into being an FA and my partner is an DA. We were together almost 4 yrs but broke up because we argued too much. After learning about attachment styles a few weeks ago and making my own changes and incorporating it into how I talk to him etc has made alot of progress because we haven't argued in a few weeks which is huge for us. We still talk, love eachother very much and want a future together but he's afraid if he commits again we will only go into the same bad patterns. Therefore, we have been in a more or less a situationship for about 8 months and have been incorporating the new changes for about 3 weeks. I know he still loves me and wants a future with me. Im just not sure how to get to that point currently of getting out of a situationship and move back into the relationship stage without it pushing him away in any way. I have been very gentle about "teaching" him about how he could help me in terms of being more vocal about his needs as a DA so that we argue less and slowly learn better things that work to make us connect better instead of always arguing etc and overall have a healthier relationship together. Since coming across your channel (which taught me that Attachment styles are even a thing let alone the types, what they look like etc) I have been learning alot, so thank you so much for what you do. I do apologize for the novel I wrote. I wanted to give as much info as i could to paint a better/bigger picture of the situation so that the advice goes the best direction possible. Thank you.
@amanda215 can you tell us about the helpful changes you’ve made please, and teaching him?
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w absolutely. Well first I did some self evaluation and learned about what triggers me in terms of making me anxious or insecure and overall looked at ways to slowly build into becoming the secure attachment style in myself after identifying my own attachment style(FA) like more independence, self regulation, self soothing, self policing ,and understanding my feelings then unpack it when I'm ready before talking etc or I go workout beforehand so that I feel better or like I'm no longer emotional before I have a conversation even small ones while also feeling better about myself without needing so much validation from him/others or needing to vent so often while not putting the burden on him as much to make me feel better while lessening my resentments. One of the big things I also learned is how much I took things personally when in all reality it was just unspoken needs he has but wouldn't articulate like coming home and sitting by himself in front of the TV until bedtime and wouldn't want to spend alone time together and I was taking that as I was unimportant etc sometimes they don't even realize or see it as their needs or that they even have needs . I was also not articulating my own needs as clearly as I thought I was so you gotta be very detailed and specific about what you want/need like hey I'd like to spend time together when you're comfortable after some alone time. Set a time about when you would wanna start and for about how long otherwise they see it as they have to drop everything and spend all their free time with you and it will make them uncomfortable about losing their independence and their alone time to themselves(be careful with your tone of voice and facial expressions). Also when you speak, it's very important to not be "emotionally charged" so that the bombardment of emotions doesn't immediately make a negative feeling come up with them and they would feel unsettled about what you're asking or talking about especially talking about problems or needs of my own so he wouldn't listen as well or as much. I also word things very gently when I talk to him about my needs or something that he did that I didn't like etc like I avoid saying you didn't do this or that or you did this ( it's like pointing a finger at them and wagging it). I simply say is there a way we can do this or that differently so that both of our wants/needs are met without using the word compromise because they see it as sacrificing, not that it's coming to an even balance. I also tell him if I'm happy then I can in return make you a happier partner if we both feel heard. I ask if he needs alone time to slowly teach him to voice his needs and to stay on the same page together or instead of asking how he is feeling, I ask what is he thinking (currently in a long distance situation so we mostly talk on the phone) so that if I don't get a text for awhile I don't take it personally or what did I do wrong and I tell him I respect it, support it, and will be here when he's ready. I randomly tell him that I'm proud of him and to point out stuff he does that I like and that he's doing a great job as he makes little changes that he probably doesn't realize he's even doing because they slowly mirror the changes you make and slowly improve without feeling pressure to change. I will also tell him I'm here for him even if he doesn't take it or need it, it still reminds him that he doesn't have to do everything alone so that we can grow interdependence but also have our independence while telling him that he can still be independent while have interdependence with me. I do everything kinda like talking to my autistic child but not in a degrading manner for an adult. I also tell him I wanna be as fair as possible as a team and that we aren't against each other. Also they really need to feel supported,accepted, heard, they're in a safe space, and to feel understood as much as we do but they are hypersensitive to needing those without actually admitting it because they might see it as they seem weak or vulnerable. It is also very important to not put on the person the things and love you give should be exactly as you get back in return like doing things you would want to receive for yourself but still have give/take. sorry again for another novel lol. However I do hope it helps. I watched a lot of attachment style videos so that's how I learned these things especially from this particular creator. I learned all of this in the last 3 weeks in my spare time so I had no idea until now because I was dedicated to improving things and didn't want to lose the person I feel is the one for me. Our biggest issue was communication and that's why we argued so much like daily. We dated for 4 yrs and it's just now taking me until now to truly understand him because he never really opened up and always kept me at a small distance. With enough love, time, dedication and truly understanding their attachment style I truly believe you can have an amazing relationship with a DA despite hearing/seeing others say run away etc. Sometimes love has hard moments but ultimately understanding eachothers AS and together becoming secure attachments( as a team and individual process) helps incorporate new, healthier habits and goals. I hope that answered any questions. However, if they choose to never change that's also important to note while also giving a chance to make changes.
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w I did but Im not sure if it posted and stuck. I no longer see it on my end so I'm not sure if it was taken down or if it's just on my end
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w I did but I don't see it
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w I did
Yes, could you please create a video about talking if the person comes back?
I would enjoy a video about what to do when the DA wants to reconnect, has done some work, and seems to want to move towards a more secure attachment style. She had become my best friend, then lover over a couple of years. She had just ask us to be a couple before suddenly leaving the relationship. I had been taking things slow, I could sense she needed it, but only learned about the DA traits after the breakup. Thanks for everything you do!
Yes, my DA came back after 1 month of no contact.
My hope as a FA is that the DA person comes back after no contact. But in my case, they won’t even bother to return.
I think my case is the same as yours. I kept breaking no contact as an AP.
Me too. FA here and he was FA leaning DA. He kept trying to pull back. So I went from all in to asking to end it the next day (FA and safety need). Needles to say, this upset him. But I didn’t do no contact after. I failed that part.
How do you handle no contact with a DA when you work together!? It's been so hard. I don't go out of my way to communicate, but we see each other at work a lot.
Im getting tired of the word "avoidant" and "partner" being used in the same sentence.
Hey I would love if you did a video on when & how soon after meeting DA ex to start discussing what their intentions are regarding the relationship- they ended the relationship but returned after 6months saying they missed my companionship and wanted to get to know me again …. I want to know how I should be approaching discussing moving forward without causing him to retract…
Yea please one on how to reconnect
What if your DA went immediately into a rebound relationship Thais......will they still make contact or try to get back with you if the rebound failed?
Probably but they’ll keep rebounding and ghosting you… it’ll drive you crazy
He always reaches out after no contact. It usually takes about 5/6 weeks. I blocked him on FB. He was not happy about it. It’s been a month and I saw him recently on my birthday weekend. He wouldn’t even look at me. 😢
Yes, can you please make a video about how to talk with them if DA reconnects. Cause Idk, I don't want to lose my DA friends.
Im just tired of us being together and feeling like a couple only to be told by my DA its " friendship"
You mean they will come back after cheating on you or rebound?
lol yes and they’ll keep cheating too…
Thank you so much for your video❤
You're welcome ❤
How long would it take if they were in a rebound for like 6-8 months?
Why dont they want to heal/work on themselves ??
I did when I was with an FA. She messed me up and I realized I had issues as well (I felt anxiety from her hot and cold behavior and her very very close relationships with other guys who gave her attention, which she hid from me). I never felt anxious in a relationship before and didn’t know how to handle it. It’s how I stumbled on this channel and decided I needed therapy.
@@MrRob2084 Yeah, maybe you do need a therapy or maybe you need a girlfriend who does not need a bunch of other guys to entertain her and serve her as ego boosts/validation supply. Maybe she could benefit from therapy too, since you don't feel that you just cannot live without a bunch of very close women-friends. But she needs her "brothers".
I can't speak for everyone, but healing is hard! When I started PDS last year I felt like I was emotionally spiraling because "the work" requires you to go back and figure out where those triggers originated from. Bad memories and traumas that you compartmentalize in the back of your brain and never wanted to bring out start appearing. Then once you open that floodgate, more memories start coming through and you are stuck dealing with ALL of it. Doing this work was literally the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I think maybe some people don't think they are mentally capable of doing this and I get it. 😢
Know someone who moved to the other side of the world, learned a new language, works and goes to school full time, but emotions are "too hard"
@AmericanDreamer 🙏🙏 I've been in therapy all along due to this painful dynamic, he is an amazing man but sadly doesnt seem to face accountability or his demons ....he thinks/believes travelling from place to place, person to person is the answer....leaving a trail of pain behind....😢
Hi Thais
I have a question.
Growing up with a borderline parent I developed a DA attachment style.
Quite understandably So.
I started to work with your work last year and practiced vulnerability exposure work.
It was beautiful and I started to see effects around me.
Unfortunately over Christmas I had to go home to my family and open as I was I began sharing vulnerably about myself to them.
Unfortunately they reacted the same way they did in my childhood: complete and brutal rejection and dismissal of myself and my feelings.
It put me in deep shock.
I have been changed ever since and opening up again to be vulnerable again seems impossible now.
I have since gone no contact with my family but my guard is back up and my shell is as tightly closed as ever.
I can completely understand why I have this attachment style - it made complete sense in the environment I grew up in to
Protect myself as much as I can.
It seems to be impossible to me though to open up around others and to keep my guard up around my parents and siblings.
It is asking too much of me and the price I paid for being vulnerable to them is just too high.
What do I do? I have become closed off again and the idea of sharing vulnerably seems out of reach and too costly.
There is a reason for our attachment styles and our past isn’t actually over with our families…
I wish things were different.
Around a borderline parent it seems to be necessary to protect oneself at all costs.
Hope to hear your advice
✨
I'm curious, My ex and I broke up after 5 years 6 months ago, she came back during that to take a peak when she got lonely or whatever, I kept fighting for our relationship. Then I'd realize it was over so I'd go my own way and she would always pop back up. Now at this point, I've literally moved on, I'm happier now without her, I see I deserve better and she is in the Same place she was when we split, I've grown. Id bet she pops back up soon, its like she can feel when i lose interest. only this time, I really do not want to be with her again. I'd be open to hearing her out, but if she texted or called me right now, I'd probably answer with "is everything ok", just due to the fact i told her I'd always be there if she needed me or was in trouble, She always told me she was afraid of being abandoned. But i really dont see me welcoming her back into my life. I'm better now. What do you guys think? Will she pop back up or run for good? again, i'm good. I've moved on with my life, but it seems that when they always come back.
@brandon how long did she take to come back pls? U say she was afraid of abandonment. Is she a DA or FA ?
@@user-tz1hl3pf2w has been some weeks and has been some months. But this time it’s been 4 months and I’ve completely seperated myself from her. Dont contact her or reach out. I high is the first time in 5 years she hasn’t had me around. I’m sure it’s a shock to her in some way
Thais could you please make a video on navigating no contact with someone you have to interact with all the time? My ex (DA) and I (FA) broke up in November and have to work together and it’s been so emotionally draining. We have done no contact and I try to be normal at work but she stonewalls me or is unpredictable with her interactions (sometimes friendly other times mean). Thank you! You’ve helped me so much already.
Check no contact videos with a coworker
My friend’s teen daughter is a DA and I don’t know how to help her 😢
Please teach your daughter that she needs to be secure in herself and not to let anybody take here self worth away. Please take it from me, ive just broken off a 6 year relationship and now realize how tumultuous it has been. Ive fallen for this and it has taken alot away from me..
What if the words “break up” were never mentioned? No communication by either side in a month now, I believe because I asked him to open up, tell me what happened. I couldn’t have been more gentle. He did respond however, when I texted about an unrelated, community matter, but he played dumb when I briefly asked one question about us. I let it go. Should I reach out again?
When u say “if the person does come back” … are u saying the DA does initiate?
what if you are the one breaking up with them?
I totally forsee him coming back after no contact. 100%. We loved each other. I don't care how long he wants his space. But I told him when we broke up to promise me to work it out with me when he does come back.
I REFUSE to go through that again. We are not fighting like that ever again. I'm not sitting through getting told I need a therapist for expressing a need when I see you running around with your ex and you got caught. I see through that and know he just wanted freedom. But don't be a liar. Don't be an asshole either.
Thank you! 🌺 🇨🇷 🌺
What to do when the DA returns?
What if the DA is going through a deep depression?
Maybe if you beg them to come back. A DA is not “wishy washy”, and they cannot acknowledge that they’ve made mistakes. I think a lot of people confuse FAs for DAs, and FAs will often come back on their own after NC. I think DAs are often perceived as secure actually.
Is it worth begging someone to come back when they are in the wrong, or at least for them to come back until it happens again? Seems pretty one-sided
Does this also apply to the FA?
I am dismissive avoidant and I've came back
What was your thought process? What made you want to come back?
Why did you go back and was it triggered by the no contact?
@@komatsu8169 Well I thought that I will regulate myself much better since Ive learned some stuff about regulation but I gave her seen on 3 messages after 7 days so it didnt end up well I just lost will to do it more. But she came back on Ester and used it as a execuse, wich is fine, to message me but and she said will see each other in May but next night she said I am good friend wich is also fine cause it just her pull away.
@@julesD0222 I ve said wee are done and she comfirmed I was OK with it but then I thought she was maybe sarcastic. She only mirored my energy and I gues I didnt like that.
@@komatsu8169 I ve learned some stuff about regulation so I thought I will do it better but after 7 days I gave her seen on 3 mesagges. She came back on Easter and after some time she said ww will see each other in May and next night she said I am a good friend. I gues she was triger when Ive said in dont mind to not see you anymore I dont even need to write to you. I ve said that right after she said we will see each other in May and I ve meant it wich is crazy from me. We match each others energies in couple more mesagess and she left me on seen when I ve match her break up in a nice wayn energie in her last message. Shes now look at my ing stories.
Short awnser. Nope. Too expensive. Would rather not.
So after the period of time u mentioned, should WE reach out? Or will the DA?
I’ll never initiate contact with my avoidant ex. She’s doing things to try to get my attention, but it’s not gonna do shit. Eventually, she will be a memory, nothing more. And I won’t be surprised if I never hear from her prideful ass the rest of my life