@@jessicamenchaca4970 I think the silence is a sign of more that it didn't work. I'd say most of us are in here trying to heal from what happened. So I guess what "worked" is me choosing myself over having to give up my self in order to temporarily please another.
@HustleHabit yes. It didn't work with mine. I'm just going to say in my case he just wanted to have someone close enough to be intimate with and get any closer you become a psycho to him. Total jerk . But glad he's gone.
It definitely can be. There is hope though. I feel like my DA gf and I are finally having the real conversations we need to, after three years, and hitting the wall between the power struggle phase and the commitment phase about five times. We're finally talking about how to get past that wall, and what it will look like on the other side. Don't give up hope. Patient, non-reactive, open, supportive love will get you there. Maybe not now, or with this one particular person. But it will win out in the end.
@@vendetta5x11 Thank you so much! That’s very helpful and gives me hope. Feeling particularly sad right now during a phase. I’ve been SOOOOO PATIENT for over three years!
@@pegbuckner5074 I can totally relate to this. My best friend/chosen sister is dismissive avoided, and I am fearful avoidant. I feel like I spend a lot of time being anxious. But it’s getting better after a couple of years and a lot of talking. I do, however, feel like I do most of the accommodating and compromising, and trying to know what she wants. the worst part is when she gets upset and withdraws which triggers my abandonment issues. Fortunately my husband is steady as can be and helps me keep my head most of the time. It’s so hard.
I literally had enough of my DA and dumped her before new years. For months of her promising to show up and do the work and I had my mental clock that the next time I was with her if she constantly kept being dismissive I would ditch her and thats what I did. It's brutal because it's a relationship I didn't want to end but I didn't feel heard. The best part of the breakup is that I fealt empty either way beside her or single.
This video makes SO much sense to me! I've been married for 21 years to a wonderful man. Things have mostly gone very well. I just recently learned that I'm FA leaning DA. My husband is Secure with a touch of FA. Now I understand why we work. He communicates, but doesn't pressure. He gives me the space I need to decompress and figure out what I want. I'm now learning how to get better in touch with myself, which enables me to then better communicate with him. I was raised in a narcissistic home, but didn't know that or understand how it was still effecting me. Now I know why I've felt such shame, fear, and pressure. Why I couldn't communicate my needs or even know what they were. I went through counseling before meeting my husband, which helped hugely. But that only addressed the severe abuse, not the relationship dynamics I had learned. I didn't even know there was such a thing as having a relationship with self! Finding Thais is extremely helpful! We're saving money, and I'm so excited to start taking classes through the Personal Development School next month! Our relationship just keeps getting better, Praise God! Thank you, Thais!! 💜
I cried so hard at this. I messed up a relationship so badly because I was shaking with fear all the time and kept pulling away and breaking up. Thank you for helping me understand.
It's so wild to watch someone struggle like this - try to help them, but then have them turn around and tell you that you're the problem. This dynamic did not work for me - I can't be in a one sided effort relationship. I can't be the person always putting my feelings and needs on hold to make sure that the DA had space to not constantly panic like a scared rabbit over the smallest requests.
Did you wiyk out your own attachment type and core wounds? In or out of that relationship it can be helpful to work on your own part. If you do they might feel safer to work on their own & see them too. My FAness was definitely contributing to my DA's behavior and doing my work has turned things around for both of us....
All of this is true! I just entered a long-term commitment with a DA I've been pursuing for over 9 months. There were some moments that got heated and I unfairly put them on the spot. After some space and time they came back ready to dive in. It's been great so far. I truly believe learning how the DA navigates their emotions has really helped me in the dating and courting process. And ultimately, if you're patient enough and it is compatible in a lot of ways, you can have a breakthrough. I consider myself a securely attached person, but early in the relationship I briefly leaned a little bit more anxious preoccupied. Focusing on myself and doing the work of myself really made a difference.
Would love to hear what you mean by "breakthrough". Been seeing a girl for about 5 months. She's a sweetheart, but both our futures are rather uncertain at the moment, exacerbating her DA tendencies and my AP tendencies. She chose not to commit and yet wants to continue seeing me...
@@davidlenir7517 I think I meant they started to appreciate and understand the value of what we had/have. My person was starting to come around after the 7 month mark. We just entered a relationship in December after knowing each other for a year. Patience is really key. If you're having a good time and everyone is ok, then see where it goes. Take the time to work on your AP tendencies. It really does make a difference to turn your energy inward.
Something i learned from a toxic relationship with a DA , if someone has to go to lengths and watch videos and google someones behavior to make it work, its really not a relationship i would want to be pursuing.
i think it is worth learning about the other person and in a committed relationship that something you should probably be willing to do. but if the other person is outside the relationship and can't even be bothered to make an effort to decide whether they want in or not, then i would say you are probably right.
It was looking up videos about my ex DA that led me to find out I am a FA. Once I discovered that, I begin healing my own attachment style. So I understand what you're saying, but sometimes going down these rabbit holes are the catalyst to other things that need to be addressed. 💚
Relationships take effort. Ironically, DAs are typically the ones who believe that relationships are supposed to be very easy, and so at the first sign of unease, they deactivate.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes i know, and i did all that. If youre ok with having to "study" someone's behavior day and night, look at every article, watch every video, and somehow cater to this attachment style, then hey its a free world and you do you. I'd much rather find someone who leans in as much as i do, wants what i want, And i dont have to comvince them im worthy of love and comunication. Having to do so much afjusting of the tone of my voice, how i say things, and tiptoeing around someone's feelings can be very tiring. You do you. Ill do me .
Exactly!! They love the time, fun, intimacy....saying they want nothing, yet their intentions show so differently, yet pull away when the other equals to it.....its extremely confusing & painful....my on/off for 3+ years . .he knew exactly who i was/am & what i felt for him.....then he would create the same cycle, pull away, dismiss etc....& come back when ready with no apology, accountability like nothing had happened.....ive pulled away now with no contact....sad but seems its not a problem for him....says it all i guess....how do u know if they are just playing u or if it truly is fear/avoidance or in my case ...also PTSD? I feel so hurt, yet also allowed it....believing in it/us & when it was amazing, it was amazing & beautiful, but never any consistancy....then i would react & he would pull away again....how the hell do u change this dynamic, when they refuse to see their imput & just shut-down & dismiss all??
You heal yourself towards secure, let him know your needs and if he can't meet them then part ways. I had the same exact dynamic and the last time he came back I did exactly that and we ended it agreeing that we loved each other, but want different things. I was really in love and it sucked, but it was worse staying in a dynamic where my needs weren't being met.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes Don't know you, but proud of you! Excellent job honoring yourself and your needs despite being in love. It's hard but necessary. You did it.
@@P___999 thank you. 🥰 PDS helped me through all of this. I was not the same person this time last year. I was anxious and teary all of the time. I'm so happy I started the courses.
Personally, I would not be exclusive unless there was a long term pattern of positive behavior. I would not commit unless they did the work & made the investment... To elaborate, long term would be a minimum of one to two years of consistent patterns of showing up along with individual and, togetherness growth...
Big ❤ to healing DA. Love seeing the DAs in PDS community who are healing, and their insights of the experience on their side if FA/AP partners are so helpful too. It's rarely just one person needing to do work on themselves.
This is very helpful in theory. If someone has DA tendencies but is self aware and trying to heal then you might want to try with them. But in my opinion telling people they should be with someone who is DA and has no awareness of their issue, meanwhile youre watching videos like this trying to navigate the minefield that is their emotional world, that's not healthy. You cant heal other people. You can't love them better. They have to choose to be better otherwise you're enabling the person's bad habits by being the one who will be flexible around his issues. You deserve a reciprocal relationship not to be with someone you're trying to fix. I used to be attracted to broken people and I didnt even understand why I was going for DA's before I understood what attachment styles were. Thanks to these videos I know what red flags to look out for. But you shouldn't claim in your videos that you can make one of these dysfunctional people commit to you. You shouldn't want to thats self harm.
Unless a Dismissive Avoidant wants to change, it is impossible to have a relationship with them. I'm so thankful I could see the handwriting on the wall and said goodbye. Otherwise, one will wind up feeling used once they got what they wanted out of a relationship.
Change? Yeah right. DAs don't change. They're disloyal narcissistic abusers that don't care about anyone but themselves. They NEVER heal because robots aren't capable of getting better.
*Thank you!* As a recovering DA you've been a big help, as I have recently been having fearful thoughts about the relationship I'm currently cultivating... I think we are compatible, and you've convinced me that maybe I should take a chance for real! _Maybe I should send them this video..._
I personally worked very very hard to make this relationship work. I backed off to where we just saw each other on the weekends because she couldn't handle day to day. I treated her like a princess, brought her coffee every morning. bent to her desires around everything to make her feel safe. Made her feel wanted and loved and she couldn't handle anything. Feared everything, then would get crazy angry and walk out the door. Im telling everyone--Get out as fast as you can. I listened to Thais, signed up but she would never listen or get counselling. It was my fault.
Are DA’s more likely to cheat because of the war going on in their head which distorts reality ?? My DA husband started a 2 yr affair after being together 33 yrs … he says he ended his affair and wants to work on our marriage but is refusing to talk about anything to do with his affair or the state of our marriage … I cannot do this anymore he has blown up my life and shows little remorse … his hot and cold behaviour is immature and I am ready to separate … any advice for me ???
I believe it is more about the individual, and what's going on with them, if someone cheats, and not about the attachment style. As a DA female I'm loyal to my partner, so loyal that even when he's gone off the radar I've stayed faithful.
If it were me, I would cut ties and bounce. You deserve far better than a cheater who won't communicate properly. His emotional immaturity is not your problem to solve, it's his. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Very painful.
Like I've watched a few of these videos and while I know in dating a text book example of a DA. While I know part of this requires me to identify and understand their behaviors and things I can do to help them, there's no real videos for any help for my partner to identify their behaviors and help to coach them to a place that's healthier. I've read a few of these comments and while I understand the frustration and the response to leave. I do care for my partner and would like them to understand, feel and receive love on a healthier way than transactional. So I really don't need 50 videos telling me how I need to change, but one amazing video giving me so strategies and tools to help my partner get over their fear that they will be left
As a DA, I just started dating someone I really like and we are definitely compatible, but I am soo uneasy about committing. They asked me a few times about being exclusive. I just wish I could fast forward through this stage. It was difficult to even admit that I liked them. So at least that happened. The funny thing is that I’m not pulling away to be with someone else I’m just trying to pull away to be with myself. Edit: to any comment saying I am selfish for dating and that I should be working on healing myself instead, what makes you think I’m not? A big part of healing is the fact I am starting to find this sort of info and I’m paying attention to it. There are many layers to this and I’ve made it my priority to peel them back as often as I can. I did watch the video after all. My mistake was thinking this was a safe space to comment! I’ll keep comments to myself from now on.
Yeah you will just keep sabotaging your relationships. Because it’s does not feel normal for you to be in a healthy relationship of commitment and someone actually liking you. Your not been modeled that from your care givers. Just tell yourself this is ok and normal for us as humans to commit to someone we like it can bring safety and peace. But don’t hurt him or break his heart so you need to get help or you will keep sabotaging your relationships and messing with people feelings. You can do it.
@@ds37215 not to mention making herself miserable... Life is full of scary hard choices and scary hard situations for everybody- even the most well adjusted of us. You have this TH-cam video of a credible, compassionate , discerning expert who is describing to you exactly what's going on with you, and you seem to agree fully with her analysis of your psyche and with how her statements are applicable directly to your behavior. Yet you still are allowing yourself to wallow in these phobias around commitment and to anguish over whether or not it's safe to proceed ???
@@itsmelanieking exactly. I hate that the title of this video is encouraging people to commit to a dysfunctional person. Work on yourself first it's incredibly selfish to be with people knowing you'll hurt them.
You shouldn't have to overly do any of those things. Do some healing and start getting to a secure place. After that, you will feel confident to express your needs in a healthy way and if they are not being met, you walk away unfortunately. All of those things you mentioned, you can give to yourself instead. ❤
@SunshineAndSnowflakes Thankyou so much....I'm sorry for your loss/pain also. could u offer any specific healing tools that helped u please? Thankyou again 🙏 I wish u much deserved happiness ...💞
@@pure-pisces9980 no problem! It was signing up with PDS and doing some courses and attending the webinars they offer. Emotional Mastery definitely helped. ❤
@SunshineAndSnowflakes Thankyou again🙏....& lots of inner strength....for me it is!! a little easier i guess with him off work & seems he took that path/opportunity 😔
Do not stay with a dysfunctional person, period. Meet your own needs instead. You cannot heal someone through loving them. And you absolutely shouldn't be trying to be the flexible one meanwhile they're not even trying to heal that's called enabling bad behavior. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Hi Tiese,I hope you get this message. Can you do a talk on dismissive avoidant without attachment style. I mean a person who picks a partner that they don’t like very much so he won’t get hurt when they break up. A person with no confidence that he could succeed in a relationship with a woman. How can he work his way up to attachment style?
Recently my DA, who was breadcrumbing me for a year... revealed that he had a girlfriend the entire time we were talking about rekindling our romance. You guys, let me just tell you now, ITS NOT WORTH IT! MOVE ON!
I've just been through the same thing, he had a boyfriend for the 4 months we were dating and said I never forced you to do anything when I confronted him about it
I just reliazed my GF of 2 plus years was a DA… she always needed her me time and she always says she was independent woman but always leaned on me…. She just recently ghosted me for no reason and i am like so confused.. Last words was i love you always and then radio silence
Allowing time and space for my feelings to develop. Let me figure out how I feel, let me decide what I want to do, but don't let me think forever and perpetually put off deciding
Thanks for the answer. I think the vagueness of "time and space" is what needs to be clarified for both people. There should be some understanding of a goal and being able to commit to it. Otherwise, that goal post has the ability to just keep on moving... Commitment can be scary, but it doesn't mean it's permanent. It's just necessary for the goal to succeed.
@pegbuckner5074 I don't know the original commenter's definition with not giving the open-ended time to figure it out. But from my standpoint, it means the other person having boundaries around what they want and how long they are willing to wait for it. This shows independence and alignment, which garners trust from the other person. It's also very attractive and let's the other person know exactly how to treat you. There are no gray areas and everything is clear.
Is there a way to get them to stop feeling scared to leave ? I feel like my partner always wanted to leave but for some reason stayed with me . I always tried to give him an out but he wouldn't take it
Yeah if only my ex had expressed not wanting to keep his plans with me..that would hsve beeb fine. Instead, he stood me up 3 times, which was painful. Made me feel like i wasnt a proority and my time didnt matter. Worse than that tho was his inability to take accountability or apologizing for it. I dont think i ever got over the first time he did it, which was because this other woman he had been dating texted him and wanted to hang out. (Fyi we were poly but that doesnt excuse ditching me for another woman). Prior to that incident the relationship was wonderdul for the first 5 months. Nothing was the same after he did that. I still kept trying tho. Broke up with him 2 wks ago after he stood me up to drink with his friends. Went no contact. I just want to point out that he made me feel anxious but i continually test Secure.
Ugh. I'm a DA and recognized I didn't communicate with the person I recently broke things off with. I felt smothered and like things were moving too fast. They were caught off guard and now I feel so bad. I didn't want to operate in ways I've been hurt by- sudden dissolution of a connection where you couldn't communicate your experience.
Stop dating and hurting people. Da’s are selfish and not suitable for any relationship that isn’t shallow. It’s inexcusable to treat people this way unless you enjoy being a monster.
@@itsmelaniekingthat’s a rally effed up thing to say to someone being vulnerable. EVERY attachment style has the capacity to operate out of their dysfunctions and hurt others. It’s unconscious and extremely painful to the one doing the sabotaging/not communicating/etc too. Sure there are narcissists but to say all DAs are monstrous and unworthy of love is sick thinking
@@MinorKey135agree with you. Sadly there are people who think they are the only ones that have ever been through a heartbreak, (because of an ex of theirs who may or may not have had an attachment challenge), and they find the nearest thing to lash out at, and bashing a lable for a group of people that they've never met seems to make them feel better. It shows a total lack of self awareness, because now they hurt anyone and everyone else and justify it.
I had an excuse from my DA ex that she doesn’t invest enough in us because she has not strong enough feelings towards me… being an AP at the time it made me mad. It kind of paralyzed me because I did not know how to make her properly show up in a relationship.
You can't make anyone do anything. You can express your needs, and the other person has a choice. That person will make that choice and work to see it through if she loves and values you, even if it's difficult, hard work or requires therapy.
You’re the smartest therapist I have watched here on your, attachment theory is spot on. My girlfriend broke up with me about 6 weeks ago, now I understand why. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
DA & FA gets into relationships well knowing it is not going to work and know their pattern and still do it. When Secure and AA what a relationship that will work. This is a big difference and we can’t play with peoples emotions anymore it’s destroying relationships and creating more trauma.
What about ‘ other peoples constant disappointments ? ‘ .. for as long as I can remember. As a ‘ DA ‘ I can recognise I’m not easy to be with… So how about being just tired of it all & going it alone .. I wonder ! ..
My “avoidant” ex of two years refused to give me their phone number, wouldn’t introduce me to their family, only allowed me to see him twice a week, and never initiated sex - basically breadcrumbing. After setting boundaries and expectations I was discarded.. stonewalling, gaslighting, threats of abandonment for 3 months until i had mental break and ended things on his behalf for my well-being . 6 months later he’s living with the new gf, she’s posted on his social media, met the family, and fast forward almost 1 year later they have just purchased a house together..?! All I wanted was the bare minimum of a supportive and emotional safe partner. I never received a closure conversation I was only aggressively told to move on! What’s the difference between an avoidant attachment and this head f**k!
Through your videos I've discovered that my ex was a DA (thank you) but the one thing I could never understand is - why did he MARRY his ex-wife, yet run away from commitment with me whom he professed to love "like he'd never loved anyone before"? Still can't quite work that one out ..... Any thoughts?
I am scared if I say that I want commitment down the line, he might recoil that very minute. Even though I know he sees himself in a relationship someday.
Some are very aware... yet choose to avoid/dismiss/run....instead of wanting/facing/choosing to change/hea/growl for the better....sadly 😔PTSD certainly doesnt help!! Wont talk....he totally dismisses at all costs...
I’m a secure and I am pretty sure I am dating a da when I have the define the relationship discussion I get “I have no expectations” I feel either confused or wasting my time. Any advice?
It’s an easy phrase to use when they aren’t sure about you. Return the same energy and invest your time into connecting with people who know what they want and are open to exploring the relationship. Maybe you could say “I don’t have expectations either, but I do want to invest my time wisely, I’m looking to have a partnership someday that includes…..insert your wants and needs…. if that doesn’t sound like things you’d enjoy or like to try, it’s best for me, and likely you as well, if we part ways amicably.” Or you could suggest friendship only if you feel like that’s possible.
I think the not committing, unless they are only slightly DA and you are very secure or they are DA and working on it is both of you dodging a bullet. Usually not a happy relationship for either party
Is it fair to say all/most narcissists are DAs? (NOT to be confused with all DAs are narcissists…) Also, I currently operate as an FA. I am not bi-polar, however is it also fair or appropriate to state all or most individuals with bi-polar are FAs? OR, am I way off base and these things are unrelated? 🤔 I am new to attachment style theory, however many of these characteristics of each of these avoidant styles seem in line with some characteristics of these mental illnesses. ? Thank you. And I’m not here to argue or debate. I am seeing to learn, heal, and grow. ; )
Narcissists are either anxious or secure. They are not avoidant because they need other people so much. I think DAs are actually sociopaths. What most people mean when they use the term “narcissist” in a derogatory way is “sociopath”. Narcissism is self love and self interest. Sociopathy is self hatred and self disinterest. Because humans are so interconnected, there is no true self love without love of others; especially those closest to you. Sociopaths may seem to act in their own interests, when in reality, their behaviors lead to them suffering tremendously. Think about it. Abusing people close to you is not in your interest. That’s what sociopaths do, because they hate themselves and everyone else. They hate those closest to them the most. Narcissists love themselves and others, and they love those closest to them the most. When people talk about their narcissistic partner or their narcissistic parents, they are sociopaths talking about their sociopathic parents or partners. Or possibly, sociopaths talking about their narcissistic partners(not parents, as narcissistic parents have narcissistic children and sociopathic parents have sociopathic children). The problem with people is that we aren’t narcissistic enough. But in an upside down world, what’s good is bad and what’s bad is good.
I can't fully answer this, as I'm not an expert, I've just know & dated many covert narcissists, and I pretty much exclusively date avoidants. (I am FA with some DA traits. A mix.) I would probably consider the narcissists I've known FA most of the time, although there are surely DA narcissists. I just got to see the anxious sides of these individuals more. In my experience narcissists are totally terrified of being rejected, and it really comes through in anxious displays more than shutting down. Narcissists also have idealization & devaluation phases, similar to what an avoidant may experience, but often to a stronger degree. A narcissist might discard you, similar to how an avoidant just breaks up with you or ghosts out of nowhere. But possibly for different reasons. I can't picture a fully anxious attachment narcissist, but perhaps I haven't met one! Anxious people are a little more open with their feelings than any narcissist tends to be, even the most self aware narcissist. Just some thoughts, your question was really interesting.
Dismissive Avoidants are like scared cats. 😂 Leave them alone, but let them know you love them then give them time and space and they will come to you to get petted.
But don't they also leave a good relationship too early? Like some of your other videos? I've been in no contact with my ex for 33 days after a 2nd breakup and we're snowed in up in the northeast and I want to text her today
Mines too, it was my blame on me. She was there for me and ready to commit, I watch video about situationship if the man never committing and accept her this relationship.
@tumbleweed The best is to follow your gut instinct, what can you lose by texting? If you're investing in someone when you can be with someone who has done the healing, maybe that's better, but maybe your person is willing? Women are usually more open to researching and working on relationship stuff I think
My guy likes his alone time which I now understand after watching your many videos however my guy can disappear for weeks which I feel is ridiculous. I text him and not daily mind you and yet he sometimes ignores me which angers me. I have asked him to share some things that he does whilst on his alone time but he hasn’t even that. Am I asking too much from him?? Thanks 🙏
Girl…weeks? No. You should tell him that you really care about him and want to be with him, but you are looking for more from him. Then you do the No Contact Rule for as long as it takes, to see if he really can be the man for you.
I always have to laugh at how 80% of the comments under her videos about Dismissive Avoidants are people complaining about DAs and saying they aren’t worth the trouble.
Wrong title !!!! Why would anyone want to be in a committed relationship with the avoidant?? This is the very thing they unable to doing! They are just simly ☠️☠️☠️☠️👹👹👹👹
DA’s are always getting such a bad rap in these chats, and don’t get me wrong.. I’ve had the most difficult time with wondering and overthinking in this relationship. But it’s 50/50. I have a hard time asking for my needs to be met; and I go hot & cold if I feel like he doesn’t love me. But, the more I watch these & learn how to communicate, the more I realize he does love me. He just can’t say it.
I recently tried to end things because my needs weren’t being met.. which made me express my needs. He kept coming around and started meeting my needs. I should have voiced them.. that’s on me.
well, I guess yours is a lucky case then. i think people that are complaining about DAs here are in situations where they do actually communicate their needs, and in return they get a very different response. like the DA acts like the person is overly demanding, or plainly just an annoyance for having needs at all.
@@SerenityUnMaskedok, I hope it works out for you. I can be passive and people-pleasing and didn't always express my needs, but I definitely expressed my most important needs sometimes. Sometimes I was either blamed or gaslighted and there was no attempt to meet my needs. Sometimes, there was a short time of pretending or future-faking, especially following major arguments or after I either suggested a breakup or actually broke up. I aim to avoid making cruel remarks about DAs, as I'm aware that they are deeply traumatized and wounded people who can't help being who they are (at least absent serious healing work). However, I am aware that relationships with people of that attachment style don't meet my needs and are extremely toxic to me. While it's not for me and I wouldn't be comfortable recommending it to others, there are a small percentage of people who have been able to make it work for them (Thaïs is one), and I wish them all the best in their relationships.
@@ds37215 I hope so too. There’s been a lot of turmoil for sure, and you reminded me that he’s drawn closer like this before after I wanted to end things. I’ll remain hopeful to a fault most likely. He does have awesome qualities I’ve never had before in a partner though, so I think I must make a pros and cons list maybe.
We do not fear relationships… we just don’t like them, but others beg and beg and beg and we either give in or cut them off permanently. People are extremely attracted to people who don’t want relationships it’s so odd and backwards…
If a relationship is not the goal, then why date in the first place? Most people don't want to start something with someone just for it to go nowhere. It's fine to not want a relationship as long as you're upfront from the very beginning so the other person isn't led on to believe it's going somewhere. I go through phases in life where I don't want anything serious, but I let them know on or before the first date so I don't hurt them or lead them on. No one should be begging for a relationship either. If the other person is upfront from the get go that a relationship is off the table then the topic should be able to be squashed and you stop seeing each other due to differences.
The fears are subconscious, so on the surface it just feels like an indifference towards relationships, but if you get to the root of why you feel repelled by the thought of a relationship the root is fear.
Yeah... I have a da "girlfriend", hot and cold. She has no problem having me come over for her needs when she's ok with it, as she loves our chemistry. Then she finds any so-called fault in me to give her the excuse to not commit. It's so damn draining. The crazy thing is, she's completely aware of the fact that she's like this. So yeah... WHY would someone like this purposely start a relationship with someone, knowing that they're not going to stay in it? It's downright selfish and self-centered.
@@blasterman.obi-shinobi it doesn't sound like it's the right fit for you. Have you considered telling her you're sorry, but you want more and ending it? I mean, I know how it feels to be in love and feel strung along, but we also don't have to participate in it.
I really like your videos and appreciate you. But… it’s really hard to complete listening to a video because you sometimes have vocal fry. I know it’s petty but it’s frustrating. I end focusing more on that than the message.
Who is in this dynamic and can comment on what worked for you?
What about marriage???
Been with my DA for 4 years we own a home. He is amazing just have not got the engagement.
Crickets....I'm going to pray for all these people that don't know it's ok to heal 🙏
@@jessicamenchaca4970 I think the silence is a sign of more that it didn't work. I'd say most of us are in here trying to heal from what happened. So I guess what "worked" is me choosing myself over having to give up my self in order to temporarily please another.
I've never made that dynamic work, I have too much self worth to spend years as "fuckoption 4" on someones roster...
@HustleHabit yes. It didn't work with mine. I'm just going to say in my case he just wanted to have someone close enough to be intimate with and get any closer you become a psycho to him. Total jerk . But glad he's gone.
Being in a relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant feels like being in a relationship with a minefield of fear of closeness.
Yepppppppp!
It definitely can be. There is hope though. I feel like my DA gf and I are finally having the real conversations we need to, after three years, and hitting the wall between the power struggle phase and the commitment phase about five times. We're finally talking about how to get past that wall, and what it will look like on the other side. Don't give up hope. Patient, non-reactive, open, supportive love will get you there. Maybe not now, or with this one particular person. But it will win out in the end.
Totally!! It’s exhausting!! Makes my anxiety go crazy!!!
@@vendetta5x11 Thank you so much! That’s very helpful and gives me hope. Feeling particularly sad right now during a phase. I’ve been SOOOOO PATIENT for over three years!
@@pegbuckner5074 I can totally relate to this. My best friend/chosen sister is dismissive avoided, and I am fearful avoidant. I feel like I spend a lot of time being anxious. But it’s getting better after a couple of years and a lot of talking. I do, however, feel like I do most of the accommodating and compromising, and trying to know what she wants. the worst part is when she gets upset and withdraws which triggers my abandonment issues. Fortunately my husband is steady as can be and helps me keep my head most of the time. It’s so hard.
I literally had enough of my DA and dumped her before new years. For months of her promising to show up and do the work and I had my mental clock that the next time I was with her if she constantly kept being dismissive I would ditch her and thats what I did. It's brutal because it's a relationship I didn't want to end but I didn't feel heard. The best part of the breakup is that I fealt empty either way beside her or single.
Same! 😢
This video makes SO much sense to me! I've been married for 21 years to a wonderful man. Things have mostly gone very well. I just recently learned that I'm FA leaning DA. My husband is Secure with a touch of FA. Now I understand why we work. He communicates, but doesn't pressure. He gives me the space I need to decompress and figure out what I want. I'm now learning how to get better in touch with myself, which enables me to then better communicate with him. I was raised in a narcissistic home, but didn't know that or understand how it was still effecting me. Now I know why I've felt such shame, fear, and pressure. Why I couldn't communicate my needs or even know what they were. I went through counseling before meeting my husband, which helped hugely. But that only addressed the severe abuse, not the relationship dynamics I had learned. I didn't even know there was such a thing as having a relationship with self! Finding Thais is extremely helpful! We're saving money, and I'm so excited to start taking classes through the Personal Development School next month! Our relationship just keeps getting better, Praise God! Thank you, Thais!! 💜
If you're having a financial hardship, they offer rates at a discount if you email the school directly. ❤
You're very welcome ❤
I cried so hard at this. I messed up a relationship so badly because I was shaking with fear all the time and kept pulling away and breaking up. Thank you for helping me understand.
You're welcome ❤
Are you avoidant or anxious?
There is a curse for anyone who loves and leaves. And another curse for cowards. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.
Hope everyone had a good first week of 2024!
It's so wild to watch someone struggle like this - try to help them, but then have them turn around and tell you that you're the problem. This dynamic did not work for me - I can't be in a one sided effort relationship. I can't be the person always putting my feelings and needs on hold to make sure that the DA had space to not constantly panic like a scared rabbit over the smallest requests.
I totally understand/agree....very painful when u want it to work & care deeply.....it takes 2!!.😔
Did you wiyk out your own attachment type and core wounds? In or out of that relationship it can be helpful to work on your own part. If you do they might feel safer to work on their own & see them too. My FAness was definitely contributing to my DA's behavior and doing my work has turned things around for both of us....
Their fear turns me on
All of this is true! I just entered a long-term commitment with a DA I've been pursuing for over 9 months. There were some moments that got heated and I unfairly put them on the spot. After some space and time they came back ready to dive in. It's been great so far. I truly believe learning how the DA navigates their emotions has really helped me in the dating and courting process. And ultimately, if you're patient enough and it is compatible in a lot of ways, you can have a breakthrough. I consider myself a securely attached person, but early in the relationship I briefly leaned a little bit more anxious preoccupied. Focusing on myself and doing the work of myself really made a difference.
Would love to hear what you mean by "breakthrough". Been seeing a girl for about 5 months. She's a sweetheart, but both our futures are rather uncertain at the moment, exacerbating her DA tendencies and my AP tendencies. She chose not to commit and yet wants to continue seeing me...
@@davidlenir7517 I think I meant they started to appreciate and understand the value of what we had/have. My person was starting to come around after the 7 month mark. We just entered a relationship in December after knowing each other for a year. Patience is really key. If you're having a good time and everyone is ok, then see where it goes. Take the time to work on your AP tendencies. It really does make a difference to turn your energy inward.
Something i learned from a toxic relationship with a DA , if someone has to go to lengths and watch videos and google someones behavior to make it work, its really not a relationship i would want to be pursuing.
i think it is worth learning about the other person and in a committed relationship that something you should probably be willing to do. but if the other person is outside the relationship and can't even be bothered to make an effort to decide whether they want in or not, then i would say you are probably right.
@@tolvajakos yes, i did all that. He wasnt fully in.
It was looking up videos about my ex DA that led me to find out I am a FA. Once I discovered that, I begin healing my own attachment style. So I understand what you're saying, but sometimes going down these rabbit holes are the catalyst to other things that need to be addressed. 💚
Relationships take effort. Ironically, DAs are typically the ones who believe that relationships are supposed to be very easy, and so at the first sign of unease, they deactivate.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes i know, and i did all that. If youre ok with having to "study" someone's behavior day and night, look at every article, watch every video, and somehow cater to this attachment style, then hey its a free world and you do you.
I'd much rather find someone who leans in as much as i do, wants what i want, And i dont have to comvince them im worthy of love and comunication. Having to do so much afjusting of the tone of my voice, how i say things, and tiptoeing around someone's feelings can be very tiring.
You do you. Ill do me .
Exactly!! They love the time, fun, intimacy....saying they want nothing, yet their intentions show so differently, yet pull away when the other equals to it.....its extremely confusing & painful....my on/off for 3+ years . .he knew exactly who i was/am & what i felt for him.....then he would create the same cycle, pull away, dismiss etc....& come back when ready with no apology, accountability like nothing had happened.....ive pulled away now with no contact....sad but seems its not a problem for him....says it all i guess....how do u know if they are just playing u or if it truly is fear/avoidance or in my case ...also PTSD?
I feel so hurt, yet also allowed it....believing in it/us & when it was amazing, it was amazing & beautiful, but never any consistancy....then i would react & he would pull away again....how the hell do u change this dynamic, when they refuse to see their imput & just shut-down & dismiss all??
You heal yourself towards secure, let him know your needs and if he can't meet them then part ways. I had the same exact dynamic and the last time he came back I did exactly that and we ended it agreeing that we loved each other, but want different things. I was really in love and it sucked, but it was worse staying in a dynamic where my needs weren't being met.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes Don't know you, but proud of you! Excellent job honoring yourself and your needs despite being in love. It's hard but necessary. You did it.
@@P___999 thank you. 🥰 PDS helped me through all of this. I was not the same person this time last year. I was anxious and teary all of the time. I'm so happy I started the courses.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes Thankyou 🙏
Personally, I would not be exclusive unless there was a long term pattern of positive behavior. I would not commit unless they did the work & made the investment... To elaborate, long term would be a minimum of one to two years of consistent patterns of showing up along with individual and, togetherness growth...
Wow. Tears. This is like a nugget of free therapy. Thank you. ( - a healing DA)
❤❤❤
Big ❤ to healing DA. Love seeing the DAs in PDS community who are healing, and their insights of the experience on their side if FA/AP partners are so helpful too. It's rarely just one person needing to do work on themselves.
This is very helpful in theory. If someone has DA tendencies but is self aware and trying to heal then you might want to try with them. But in my opinion telling people they should be with someone who is DA and has no awareness of their issue, meanwhile youre watching videos like this trying to navigate the minefield that is their emotional world, that's not healthy. You cant heal other people. You can't love them better. They have to choose to be better otherwise you're enabling the person's bad habits by being the one who will be flexible around his issues. You deserve a reciprocal relationship not to be with someone you're trying to fix. I used to be attracted to broken people and I didnt even understand why I was going for DA's before I understood what attachment styles were. Thanks to these videos I know what red flags to look out for. But you shouldn't claim in your videos that you can make one of these dysfunctional people commit to you. You shouldn't want to thats self harm.
Unless a Dismissive Avoidant wants to change, it is impossible to have a relationship with them. I'm so thankful I could see the handwriting on the wall and said goodbye. Otherwise, one will wind up feeling used once they got what they wanted out of a relationship.
Change? Yeah right. DAs don't change. They're disloyal narcissistic abusers that don't care about anyone but themselves. They NEVER heal because robots aren't capable of getting better.
They just seem like so much work, at 61, I just don't have the energy...and besides, who knows if they'll ever change...🤷♀️
*Thank you!*
As a recovering DA you've been a big help, as I have recently been having fearful thoughts about the relationship I'm currently cultivating...
I think we are compatible, and you've convinced me that maybe I should take a chance for real!
_Maybe I should send them this video..._
I personally worked very very hard to make this relationship work. I backed off to where we just saw each other on the weekends because she couldn't handle day to day. I treated her like a princess, brought her coffee every morning. bent to her desires around everything to make her feel safe. Made her feel wanted and loved and she couldn't handle anything. Feared everything, then would get crazy angry and walk out the door. Im telling everyone--Get out as fast as you can. I listened to Thais, signed up but she would never listen or get counselling. It was my fault.
Are DA’s more likely to cheat because of the war going on in their head which distorts reality ?? My DA husband started a 2 yr affair after being together 33 yrs … he says he ended his affair and wants to work on our marriage but is refusing to talk about anything to do with his affair or the state of our marriage … I cannot do this anymore he has blown up my life and shows little remorse … his hot and cold behaviour is immature and I am ready to separate … any advice for me ???
I believe it is more about the individual, and what's going on with them, if someone cheats, and not about the attachment style. As a DA female I'm loyal to my partner, so loyal that even when he's gone off the radar I've stayed faithful.
If it were me, I would cut ties and bounce. You deserve far better than a cheater who won't communicate properly. His emotional immaturity is not your problem to solve, it's his. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Very painful.
Like I've watched a few of these videos and while I know in dating a text book example of a DA. While I know part of this requires me to identify and understand their behaviors and things I can do to help them, there's no real videos for any help for my partner to identify their behaviors and help to coach them to a place that's healthier.
I've read a few of these comments and while I understand the frustration and the response to leave. I do care for my partner and would like them to understand, feel and receive love on a healthier way than transactional. So I really don't need 50 videos telling me how I need to change, but one amazing video giving me so strategies and tools to help my partner get over their fear that they will be left
Very healing, thank you ❤
You're welcome :)
As a DA, I just started dating someone I really like and we are definitely compatible, but I am soo uneasy about committing. They asked me a few times about being exclusive. I just wish I could fast forward through this stage. It was difficult to even admit that I liked them. So at least that happened. The funny thing is that I’m not pulling away to be with someone else I’m just trying to pull away to be with myself.
Edit: to any comment saying I am selfish for dating and that I should be working on healing myself instead, what makes you think I’m not? A big part of healing is the fact I am starting to find this sort of info and I’m paying attention to it. There are many layers to this and I’ve made it my priority to peel them back as often as I can. I did watch the video after all. My mistake was thinking this was a safe space to comment! I’ll keep comments to myself from now on.
Yeah you will just keep sabotaging your relationships. Because it’s does not feel normal for you to be in a healthy relationship of commitment and someone actually liking you. Your not been modeled that from your care givers. Just tell yourself this is ok and normal for us as humans to commit to someone we like it can bring safety and peace. But don’t hurt him or break his heart so you need to get help or you will keep sabotaging your relationships and messing with people feelings. You can do it.
Agree with the above. Seek therapy, rather than sabotaging relationships over and over.
@@ds37215 not to mention making herself miserable...
Life is full of scary hard choices and scary hard situations for everybody- even the most well adjusted of us.
You have this TH-cam video of a credible, compassionate , discerning expert who is describing to you exactly what's going on with you, and you seem to agree fully with her analysis of your psyche and with how her statements are applicable directly to your behavior.
Yet you still are allowing yourself to wallow in these phobias around commitment and to anguish over whether or not it's safe to proceed ???
Why are you even dating? You know you will just hurt them. No relationship with a da will work until they are no longer a da. It’s extremely selfish.
@@itsmelanieking exactly. I hate that the title of this video is encouraging people to commit to a dysfunctional person. Work on yourself first it's incredibly selfish to be with people knowing you'll hurt them.
How much does one have to show, proove, love them...to only be rejected, dismissed & abandoned? 😢
You shouldn't have to overly do any of those things. Do some healing and start getting to a secure place. After that, you will feel confident to express your needs in a healthy way and if they are not being met, you walk away unfortunately. All of those things you mentioned, you can give to yourself instead. ❤
@SunshineAndSnowflakes Thankyou so much....I'm sorry for your loss/pain also. could u offer any specific healing tools that helped u please?
Thankyou again 🙏 I wish u much deserved happiness ...💞
@@pure-pisces9980 no problem! It was signing up with PDS and doing some courses and attending the webinars they offer. Emotional Mastery definitely helped. ❤
@SunshineAndSnowflakes Thankyou again🙏....& lots of inner strength....for me it is!! a little easier i guess with him off work & seems he took that path/opportunity 😔
Do not stay with a dysfunctional person, period. Meet your own needs instead. You cannot heal someone through loving them. And you absolutely shouldn't be trying to be the flexible one meanwhile they're not even trying to heal that's called enabling bad behavior. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
You literally just described my ex! Your work is AMAZING. thank you Thais ❤️
You're welcome! ❤
Great video! I loved the question is this a solvable problem? That helps in moving out of learned helplessness
❤
How much time should you wait to go from friend to boyfriend ? When to ask for a comment?
All this “communication is key” is starting to feel like wishful thinking. Communication is cryptonite for the avoidant.
My dismissive avoidant partner has been the worst mistake of my life. they are disasters to be avoided.
Hi Tiese,I hope you get this message. Can you do a talk on dismissive avoidant without attachment style. I mean a person who picks a partner that they don’t like very much so he won’t get hurt when they break up. A person with no confidence that he could succeed in a relationship with a woman. How can he work his way up to attachment style?
This sounds like fearful avoidance (disorganised).
Honestly when I read the title I thought, why would I want to be in a relationship with someone like that?
Recently my DA, who was breadcrumbing me for a year... revealed that he had a girlfriend the entire time we were talking about rekindling our romance. You guys, let me just tell you now, ITS NOT WORTH IT! MOVE ON!
I feel that you're describing me. I'm sorry. I hope and wish you the best 🙏🙏
... revealed ...
or claimed
sounds like an exit strategy
I've just been through the same thing, he had a boyfriend for the 4 months we were dating and said I never forced you to do anything when I confronted him about it
Maybe he was not a DA, he was just breadcrumbing you...
@@BlueBlue23 maybe he was both.
I just reliazed my GF of 2 plus years was a DA… she always needed her me time and she always says she was independent woman but always leaned on me…. She just recently ghosted me for no reason and i am like so confused.. Last words was i love you always and then radio silence
DAs, what helped you with making commitment easier?
Allowing time and space for my feelings to develop. Let me figure out how I feel, let me decide what I want to do, but don't let me think forever and perpetually put off deciding
@@akumacode Thank you for sharing ❤
@@akumacodecan you expand on what you mean by not put off deciding?
Thanks for the answer. I think the vagueness of "time and space" is what needs to be clarified for both people. There should be some understanding of a goal and being able to commit to it. Otherwise, that goal post has the ability to just keep on moving... Commitment can be scary, but it doesn't mean it's permanent. It's just necessary for the goal to succeed.
@pegbuckner5074 I don't know the original commenter's definition with not giving the open-ended time to figure it out. But from my standpoint, it means the other person having boundaries around what they want and how long they are willing to wait for it. This shows independence and alignment, which garners trust from the other person. It's also very attractive and let's the other person know exactly how to treat you. There are no gray areas and everything is clear.
Is there a way to get them to stop feeling scared to leave ? I feel like my partner always wanted to leave but for some reason stayed with me . I always tried to give him an out but he wouldn't take it
Yeah if only my ex had expressed not wanting to keep his plans with me..that would hsve beeb fine. Instead, he stood me up 3 times, which was painful. Made me feel like i wasnt a proority and my time didnt matter. Worse than that tho was his inability to take accountability or apologizing for it. I dont think i ever got over the first time he did it, which was because this other woman he had been dating texted him and wanted to hang out. (Fyi we were poly but that doesnt excuse ditching me for another woman). Prior to that incident the relationship was wonderdul for the first 5 months. Nothing was the same after he did that. I still kept trying tho. Broke up with him 2 wks ago after he stood me up to drink with his friends. Went no contact. I just want to point out that he made me feel anxious but i continually test Secure.
Anything similar for a fearful avoidant?
Ugh. I'm a DA and recognized I didn't communicate with the person I recently broke things off with. I felt smothered and like things were moving too fast. They were caught off guard and now I feel so bad. I didn't want to operate in ways I've been hurt by- sudden dissolution of a connection where you couldn't communicate your experience.
Stop dating and hurting people. Da’s are selfish and not suitable for any relationship that isn’t shallow. It’s inexcusable to treat people this way unless you enjoy being a monster.
@@itsmelaniekingthat’s a rally effed up thing to say to someone being vulnerable. EVERY attachment style has the capacity to operate out of their dysfunctions and hurt others. It’s unconscious and extremely painful to the one doing the sabotaging/not communicating/etc too. Sure there are narcissists but to say all DAs are monstrous and unworthy of love is sick thinking
@@MinorKey135agree with you. Sadly there are people who think they are the only ones that have ever been through a heartbreak, (because of an ex of theirs who may or may not have had an attachment challenge), and they find the nearest thing to lash out at, and bashing a lable for a group of people that they've never met seems to make them feel better. It shows a total lack of self awareness, because now they hurt anyone and everyone else and justify it.
@LoveToday8 yet ironically you operate in ways autosabotage that hurt yourself greatly. Just dive in.
I had an excuse from my DA ex that she doesn’t invest enough in us because she has not strong enough feelings towards me… being an AP at the time it made me mad. It kind of paralyzed me because I did not know how to make her properly show up in a relationship.
You can't make anyone do anything. You can express your needs, and the other person has a choice. That person will make that choice and work to see it through if she loves and values you, even if it's difficult, hard work or requires therapy.
You deserve to be fully chosen. I hope you choose yourself because there are many people who would willingly choose you and give you their all. 😊
You’re the smartest therapist I have watched here on your, attachment theory is spot on. My girlfriend broke up with me about 6 weeks ago, now I understand why. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
DA & FA gets into relationships well knowing it is not going to work and know their pattern and still do it. When Secure and AA what a relationship that will work. This is a big difference and we can’t play with peoples emotions anymore it’s destroying relationships and creating more trauma.
I disagree. They really want a relationship to work but fears takeover when the chemistry wears off.
What about ‘ other peoples constant disappointments ? ‘ .. for as long as I can remember. As a ‘ DA ‘ I can recognise I’m not easy to be with… So how about being just tired of it all & going it alone .. I wonder ! ..
Trying to build a loving LTR with a dismissive avoidant is a fool's errand. Bail the SECOND you identify them as a DA.
My “avoidant” ex of two years refused to give me their phone number, wouldn’t introduce me to their family, only allowed me to see him twice a week, and never initiated sex - basically breadcrumbing. After setting boundaries and expectations I was discarded.. stonewalling, gaslighting, threats of abandonment for 3 months until i had mental break and ended things on his behalf for my well-being . 6 months later he’s living with the new gf, she’s posted on his social media, met the family, and fast forward almost 1 year later they have just purchased a house together..?! All I wanted was the bare minimum of a supportive and emotional safe partner. I never received a closure conversation I was only aggressively told to move on! What’s the difference between an avoidant attachment and this head f**k!
Through your videos I've discovered that my ex was a DA (thank you) but the one thing I could never understand is - why did he MARRY his ex-wife, yet run away from commitment with me whom he professed to love "like he'd never loved anyone before"? Still can't quite work that one out ..... Any thoughts?
Perhaps he tells all women that exact same thing. It wouldn t be the first da doing so.
He’s more damaged and avoidant since his divorce.
I am scared if I say that I want commitment down the line, he might recoil that very minute. Even though I know he sees himself in a relationship someday.
Some are very aware... yet choose to avoid/dismiss/run....instead of wanting/facing/choosing to change/hea/growl for the better....sadly 😔PTSD certainly doesnt help!! Wont talk....he totally dismisses at all costs...
I’m a secure and I am pretty sure I am dating a da when I have the define the relationship discussion I get “I have no expectations” I feel either confused or wasting my time. Any advice?
It’s an easy phrase to use when they aren’t sure about you. Return the same energy and invest your time into connecting with people who know what they want and are open to exploring the relationship. Maybe you could say “I don’t have expectations either, but I do want to invest my time wisely, I’m looking to have a partnership someday that includes…..insert your wants and needs…. if that doesn’t sound like things you’d enjoy or like to try, it’s best for me, and likely you as well, if we part ways amicably.” Or you could suggest friendship only if you feel like that’s possible.
I think the not committing, unless they are only slightly DA and you are very secure or they are DA and working on it is both of you dodging a bullet. Usually not a happy relationship for either party
Is it fair to say all/most narcissists are DAs?
(NOT to be confused with all DAs are narcissists…)
Also, I currently operate as an FA. I am not bi-polar, however is it also fair or appropriate to state all or most individuals with bi-polar are FAs?
OR, am I way off base and these things are unrelated? 🤔
I am new to attachment style theory, however many of these characteristics of each of these avoidant styles seem in line with some characteristics of these mental illnesses. ?
Thank you.
And I’m not here to argue or debate. I am seeing to learn, heal, and grow. ; )
*seeking
Narcissists are either anxious or secure. They are not avoidant because they need other people so much. I think DAs are actually sociopaths. What most people mean when they use the term “narcissist” in a derogatory way is “sociopath”. Narcissism is self love and self interest. Sociopathy is self hatred and self disinterest. Because humans are so interconnected, there is no true self love without love of others; especially those closest to you. Sociopaths may seem to act in their own interests, when in reality, their behaviors lead to them suffering tremendously. Think about it. Abusing people close to you is not in your interest. That’s what sociopaths do, because they hate themselves and everyone else. They hate those closest to them the most. Narcissists love themselves and others, and they love those closest to them the most. When people talk about their narcissistic partner or their narcissistic parents, they are sociopaths talking about their sociopathic parents or partners. Or possibly, sociopaths talking about their narcissistic partners(not parents, as narcissistic parents have narcissistic children and sociopathic parents have sociopathic children). The problem with people is that we aren’t narcissistic enough. But in an upside down world, what’s good is bad and what’s bad is good.
I can't fully answer this, as I'm not an expert, I've just know & dated many covert narcissists, and I pretty much exclusively date avoidants. (I am FA with some DA traits. A mix.)
I would probably consider the narcissists I've known FA most of the time, although there are surely DA narcissists. I just got to see the anxious sides of these individuals more.
In my experience narcissists are totally terrified of being rejected, and it really comes through in anxious displays more than shutting down.
Narcissists also have idealization & devaluation phases, similar to what an avoidant may experience, but often to a stronger degree. A narcissist might discard you, similar to how an avoidant just breaks up with you or ghosts out of nowhere. But possibly for different reasons.
I can't picture a fully anxious attachment narcissist, but perhaps I haven't met one! Anxious people are a little more open with their feelings than any narcissist tends to be, even the most self aware narcissist.
Just some thoughts, your question was really interesting.
What if we do not really have bi polar but were actually misdiagnosed and were just FA all along ?
Dismissive Avoidants are like scared cats. 😂 Leave them alone, but let them know you love them then give them time and space and they will come to you to get petted.
Totally lol
lol 😅
But don't they also leave a good relationship too early? Like some of your other videos? I've been in no contact with my ex for 33 days after a 2nd breakup and we're snowed in up in the northeast and I want to text her today
Buy one of the programs and study it man. You sound desperate. And it'll keep you from making a mistake in your desperation
@@akumacode they don't sound desperate. They sound hurt..
Mines too, it was my blame on me. She was there for me and ready to commit, I watch video about situationship if the man never committing and accept her this relationship.
@tumbleweed The best is to follow your gut instinct, what can you lose by texting? If you're investing in someone when you can be with someone who has done the healing, maybe that's better, but maybe your person is willing? Women are usually more open to researching and working on relationship stuff I think
@@AnimeNewsRadio101could you please explain more about your comment? Thanks in advance
My guy likes his alone time which I now understand after watching your many videos however my guy can disappear for weeks which I feel is ridiculous. I text him and not daily mind you and yet he sometimes ignores me which angers me. I have asked him to share some things that he does whilst on his alone time but he hasn’t even that.
Am I asking too much from him??
Thanks 🙏
Girl…weeks? No. You should tell him that you really care about him and want to be with him, but you are looking for more from him. Then you do the No Contact Rule for as long as it takes, to see if he really can be the man for you.
I hate DA 😢 I LOVE THEM TOO
Why would you want a FA to commit
It’s a nightmare
Run!!!
I always have to laugh at how 80% of the comments under her videos about Dismissive Avoidants are people complaining about DAs and saying they aren’t worth the trouble.
I hope you heal to the point where people expressing their pain from lived experiences doesn't make you laugh.
That s because you are not well
Wrong title !!!! Why would anyone want to be in a committed relationship with the avoidant?? This is the very thing they unable to doing! They are just simly ☠️☠️☠️☠️👹👹👹👹
I don't have patience for my extremely avoidant partner. Later
I love ppl just blame on the parents. Lol
DA’s are always getting such a bad rap in these chats, and don’t get me wrong.. I’ve had the most difficult time with wondering and overthinking in this relationship. But it’s 50/50. I have a hard time asking for my needs to be met; and I go hot & cold if I feel like he doesn’t love me. But, the more I watch these & learn how to communicate, the more I realize he does love me. He just can’t say it.
I recently tried to end things because my needs weren’t being met.. which made me express my needs. He kept coming around and started meeting my needs. I should have voiced them.. that’s on me.
well, I guess yours is a lucky case then. i think people that are complaining about DAs here are in situations where they do actually communicate their needs, and in return they get a very different response. like the DA acts like the person is overly demanding, or plainly just an annoyance for having needs at all.
@@SerenityUnMaskedok, I hope it works out for you. I can be passive and people-pleasing and didn't always express my needs, but I definitely expressed my most important needs sometimes. Sometimes I was either blamed or gaslighted and there was no attempt to meet my needs. Sometimes, there was a short time of pretending or future-faking, especially following major arguments or after I either suggested a breakup or actually broke up.
I aim to avoid making cruel remarks about DAs, as I'm aware that they are deeply traumatized and wounded people who can't help being who they are (at least absent serious healing work). However, I am aware that relationships with people of that attachment style don't meet my needs and are extremely toxic to me. While it's not for me and I wouldn't be comfortable recommending it to others, there are a small percentage of people who have been able to make it work for them (Thaïs is one), and I wish them all the best in their relationships.
@@ds37215 I hope so too. There’s been a lot of turmoil for sure, and you reminded me that he’s drawn closer like this before after I wanted to end things. I’ll remain hopeful to a fault most likely. He does have awesome qualities I’ve never had before in a partner though, so I think I must make a pros and cons list maybe.
It's so annoying. If these people don't like avoidants so much, why watch and comment on videos about avoidants?!
We do not fear relationships… we just don’t like them, but others beg and beg and beg and we either give in or cut them off permanently. People are extremely attracted to people who don’t want relationships it’s so odd and backwards…
If a relationship is not the goal, then why date in the first place? Most people don't want to start something with someone just for it to go nowhere. It's fine to not want a relationship as long as you're upfront from the very beginning so the other person isn't led on to believe it's going somewhere. I go through phases in life where I don't want anything serious, but I let them know on or before the first date so I don't hurt them or lead them on. No one should be begging for a relationship either. If the other person is upfront from the get go that a relationship is off the table then the topic should be able to be squashed and you stop seeing each other due to differences.
The fears are subconscious, so on the surface it just feels like an indifference towards relationships, but if you get to the root of why you feel repelled by the thought of a relationship the root is fear.
Yeah... I have a da "girlfriend", hot and cold. She has no problem having me come over for her needs when she's ok with it, as she loves our chemistry. Then she finds any so-called fault in me to give her the excuse to not commit. It's so damn draining. The crazy thing is, she's completely aware of the fact that she's like this. So yeah... WHY would someone like this purposely start a relationship with someone, knowing that they're not going to stay in it? It's downright selfish and self-centered.
@@blasterman.obi-shinobi it doesn't sound like it's the right fit for you. Have you considered telling her you're sorry, but you want more and ending it? I mean, I know how it feels to be in love and feel strung along, but we also don't have to participate in it.
@@thehealingfairee spot on
I really like your videos and appreciate you. But… it’s really hard to complete listening to a video because you sometimes have vocal fry. I know it’s petty but it’s frustrating. I end focusing more on that than the message.
Turn captions on and sound off. She can’t help her voice sounding the way it is.