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The problem with self-respect: most hills are not worth dying on
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 ก.ย. 2024
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People often consider self-respect to be a unilateral positive that has no downside. However, this isn't true. The problem with self-respect is that it is costly. Using Linehan's model of interpersonal effectiveness, I explain why standing up for yourself can often lead to sub-optimal outcomes. This goal should only be prioritized sparingly to ensure objective effectiveness and harmonious relationships.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #relationship #success
Buy my book, "The Value of Others"
Ebook: amzn.to/460uGrA
Audiobook: amzn.to/3YfFwbx
Paperback: amzn.to/3xQuIFK
People often consider self-respect to be a unilateral positive that has no downside. However, this isn't true. The problem with self-respect is that it is costly. Using Linehan's model of interpersonal effectiveness, I explain why standing up for yourself can often lead to sub-optimal outcomes. This goal should only be prioritized sparingly to ensure objective effectiveness and harmonious relationships.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #relationship #success
We need the book in the French Amazon
You are fry from Futurama.
Men, NEVER comprise self-respect for a woman. Do not listen to this beta male psychologist trying to justify being a simp🫵🤡
@@gb1style VPN?
@@jameslong8901 I don’t use VPN
Was looking directly in the Amazon app and I’m not able to find it
Anyone who has worked in sales has a huge advantage in life. You learn very fast that getting results/effectiveness always trumps self-respect. When you're in a "succeed or starve" situation, you quickly learn what really matters in life. Having a small ego is actually a huge advantage because it keeps you stoic, provides mental clarity, gives your better situational awareness, and increases your adaptability to change. You also learn to rarely take things personally because everyone is the hero of their own story.
Hear hear.
In reality, "sales" is an art of deception & manipulation..
NO salesman has zero ego..in fact, many are some of the slimiest people on the planet.. ie used 🚗 salesman..
The psychology of sales is definitely a cheat code, in relationship dynamics.. in the beginning anyway..
Long term however, it's destructive..
Most based comment I’ve seen in years 🙌🏻
Except real self respect has nothing to do with what he’s talking about here. It’s not some stuck up false confidence of the modern woman. Standing up for anything on principle actually demonstrates a low level of consciousness.
Always thought being stoic, mental clarity, observing ego (situational awareness), resilience has more to do with emotional intelligence (a high EQ)?
I like that last sentence.
“True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”-C.S.Lewis.
"Boundaries are the way I can love you and love myself at the same time."
An over abundance of "self respect" tends to breed narcissism.
Self-respect should not be confused with Ego.
@@rayrwyr expand on this please
@@Plan-ETs --
Self-respect enables you to think: I am not inherently worthless. I am worthy. I have capability, potential and goodness. I am of value. I deserve love and respect from myself and others. Nothing someone else says about me change that.
Ego is a delusional bubble of self-grandeur that you create about yourself based on validation from others. It is fragile. Anything someone else says either pumps this bubble or deflates it. Ego is the source of much of the miseries that come from envy, jealousy, arrogance, and snobbery.
Fully agree. Self respect is what we thing about ourselves, not how we are treated/perceived by others. I gave up my wish because it was right thing to do. Others may see it as weakness, but I know I was just worthy human being.
That's the problem that I have with this videos diagnosis, is it conflates the 2. It assumes that "Self-Respect/Pride" is code for "Problematic Ego", reality is the worlds full of dangerous asshole's & you have to be capable of defending yourself from them.
@@michaeljeffery7466 The author makes quite a few mistakes... but is still very worth to listen to if you do it critically. He is following his own reasoning and watching at things from non common perspective while definitely being smart.
The piece of advice comment (asking yourself why you keep ending up in bad relationships) is gold. I know so many people that have 10+ bad relationships in a row, and they never do any self-reflection, let alone realize that they are the common denominator.
ok 10+ is extreme but I can tell you without a doubt that 3 to 4 bad relationships can happen in a row and it can be very much not an issue of the person in question. The reason being that in today's culture women are entitled self victimizing culturally indoctrinated to be narcissists..even though they themselves are not necessarily mental...they are taught to be selfish narcissists. I don't use that term loosely. Honestly...our culture and relationships are in dire straights
These people would do well to see a therapist...like the video host....like me. I call out my climets on self defeating behavior. I try to be diplomatic some dont want to hear the problem is their "picker". They self sabotage every relationship they need to work on THEMSELVES and what they consider important. Many have very skewed and short term values...they end up alone and bitter and angry at the opposite sex. Fine up to you.
Nobody has 10 relationships. People have a few relationships and many flings. Flings aren’t relationships. They don’t require financial, emotional, social, initial or mental investment. They don’t even require time. At the most, a lazy and random text. No follow up. No keeping in touch. So flings can’t be measured using relationship rules or standards.
And no, having multiple flings doesn’t mean that you can’t have a successful marriage. All girls with several boyfriends are married with kids and many got married early. Some have better marriages than people who have had arranged marriages or marriages where they dated long term prior to marrying. So it’s not an indicator of anything.
Unstable people are unstable in all walks of life. Friendships, career, spending, diet, routine, etc. they can’t keep anything together. Stability is measured across the board not only in relationships because there are people who are stable across the board and have long term consensual relationships that end up failing.
A long term relationship with heavy investment isn’t a sign of instability but a sign of stability and effort. You don’t know how to measure relationships if all you look at, is a number.
@@latinaalma1947 not to instigate..but let's be honest it's usually the ladies who don't self reflect and that's why every woman..AND I MEAN EVERY SINGLE one I've spoken to in my lifetime has had dozens of bad relationships in a row. they always blame their "narcissistic" ex of being abusive on some level. Just saying. I'm not going to argue if you disagree so let's just leave it that's it's my opinion. I'm 54. been in 2 long term relationships. I'm not a incel. I don't hate women. I'm not a narcissist. etc etc...
@@BrunoBerryhoneybuns1370 I think you're both saying the same thing.
Thomas Sowell said there are no solutions, only tradeoffs.
I love that quote and use it all the time. Often my girlfriend looks to me to tell her "the right answer", and that's how I respond. There is no right answer- only tradeoffs. How you prioritize the tradeoffs is largely emotional rather than logical, so I can't tell her how she feels- only make recommendations.
@@blurglide Yes, I find it comforting in this crazy world.
Exactly the comment I was thinking of. You beat me to the punch!
@@blurglidesounds like that response is a trade off.
*"In economy"
I guess my definition of self-respect is different because it for it is not about getting what i want. Its about making choices i can live with instead of ruminating on them for year to come.
Yea your context is slightly different than what he's talking about. In your pov/scenario, you will prioritize self-respect because the end goal doesnt outweigh your self-respect. Of course there is a threshold for self-respect regardless of circumstance, but what he's saying is that there must be a level of discernment when comtemplating between the two. It shouldnt be full stop with your self-respect in every scenario. If you got demotion or a department transfer at a job, but that demotion/transfer meant opportunity in another sector for higher pay - you went down to go up. Would you quit for the demotion/transfer alone because you felt you shouldn't have been? Your wife starts dressing provactively for attention. Do you resort to divorce, or do you think about the effects on the kid(s), court outcomes, financial discrepencies, etc... if the end goal is to raise the kids until they're adults? Cheating is a tough one all things considered, but the person that prioritize self-respect over all doesnt consider all factors at play. If there arent any kids involved or financial ties, then a solid case for prioritizing self-respect can be made.
Principles
Nurds think like nurds, street hustlers think like street hustlers, men think like men.
@@detroitvcw I think the definition of self-respect is making choices for yourself which you won’t be feeling embarrassed about for the rest of your life. One can want something and still do not get it in name of self-respect. What he is talking about is self-interest and that is far from self respect.
@@Notmyrealname099 Self-respect can be intruded in lue of your self-interest, agreed. Everyone has a threshold of "how much" Self-respect they're willing to relinquish for the sake of the end goal, or in your words, self-interest. There are levels to self-respect, or how much disrespect you're willing to tolerate according to the circumstance. Do you place full bet on your Self-respect if your boss called you out by your name, or do you roll with the punches to maintain your job, which is also tied to your lifestyle and other things that are relative to your finances? He's saying when you prioritize your Self-respect by all means, in some cases, you jeopardize a cascade of other consequences that are unforeseen/unintended, and as a result, you lose out more than what you've initially bargained for. Yes Self-respect is independent of self-interest, but they hang in parallel , and are in the same context , in the certain circumstances/situations.
This hits home for me. I used to be very idealistic and would often debate ppl, thinking I need to help them see the truth. In the end, I lost friends, barely anyone like me, my wife cheated on me. It took me hitting rock bottom to learn the lesson Orion is teaching here. I still try to help ppl gain a new perspective but any sign of them being closed minded, I stop.
SPOT ON, i used to be angry asking why people hate me when i only want to help
I think that being idealistic has little to do with your wife cheating on you or loosing "Friends". True friends cannot be lost. Wife - it's a woman that wants to take you for half of your stuff. But I bet it still feels good when you stood for what you belived in...
@@Candlelight787 I was too honest with her and her friends, saying things that although true, they do not like nor want to hear. Whether it's her cooking, her unhealthy diet, her prospective career endeavors, although I was trying to help, everything came across as criticism. Sure, I chose a woman that couldn't be a wife, but nowadays, many woman aren't wife material. Knowing how to deal with them is letting go of some self respect and maybe objective effectiveness like Orion said, to gain relationship effectiveness.
@@carlosr6597 I think you have been havily brainwashed like many Western men are (I don't mean to be disrespectfull, just stating my thoughts).
If you had a wife that couldn't cook, didn't care about you enough to stay in shape, was lazy and didn't progress at her career to improve your family's wellbeing, and having a wife+circle of friends that have different world view system than yours, no other outcome was possible.
I would argue that not "many" but "most" women are not "wife material" and being "wife material" is not a big gift either - marraige is a sham and it's clear that it is nothing but a circuis trick.
From my experience letting go of some self respect to gain relationship effectiveness = loosing self respect while being in a relationship you constantly need to bargain over.
If all you have to go hungry or eat from the trash - better to go hungry, at leaset for a long while.
Except women are not food, and you won't starve being without them.
The brainwashing of American men is not in the fact that they have been convinced to settle for low quality women that bring nothing to relationship besides head aiche.
It is mainly the fact that American men actually belive that their life is incomplete without a woman in it, no matter the quality, and that is better to be with a low quality woman than being without a relationship.
I learned that to maintain relationships in the modern day, you gotta tolerate people's vices and errors, even when that messes up your own life. You could choose to build relationships with virtuous people, but let's be honest, there aren't many of them around. It's either this or be a loner. I chose to forego romantic relationships (because I can't stand modern women) and surround myself with a handful of semi-honorable and virtuous men.
This was really what I needed to hear today. I’ve always considered excessive self respect and standing in business you be a virtue but it can sometimes lean into egotism and get in the way of your ultimate goals. Thank you for this video.
Excessive self respect is usually delusion
Self respect is not about the other person respecting or disrespecting you...its about you living with yourself...your action,your conscience
Also known as making God happy.
@@rhadiem Beautifully said. Loved the definition of self-respect as making god happy😍
People with self respect attract people and sercumstanced that reflects their self respect... And have more healthy and loving relationships. Simple as that.... ❤
I am a teacher and during covid, I was teaching a zoom class. We had to get evidence of student work each period so I would ask students questions, have them answer them in the chat, and print the chat log afterward to use. One day I getting answers and I am waiting on a single student to answer. I ask what the holdup was and he says, nothing, I answered it already. I scroll back through the chat and sure enough, he answered. I apologize to him and all of a sudden, I hear a voice in the background. It was his mom listening in. She said "Thank you for admitting your mistake. A lot of teachers wouldn't."
I have plenty of self respect. I also don't have much of an ego so I have very little need to defend it most of the time. I've read a lot of Taoism and zen. Very little bothers me anymore.
Ego is different than self respect.
Self respect is more related to self protection
"Prioritizing self respect over other things should not occur on a frequent basis."
I am grateful for this message, and in awe.
Thank you.
Stop bending the knee and have a backbone fellas. If she can’t cooperate and be respectful keep it moving.
Sagely words... 👍
Always
Exactly. If you want to get laid and demanding respect from that woman prevents you from getting what you want, you can always get it from another woman. There's always that period of respect with a fresh woman. Then when the disrespect starts due to her becoming more demanding, just move on.
Lol, did we just watch the same video? You do you brother 🤣
@@nivh Yep. Men who want to get married, they learn one way or another to deal with this crap. Remember when there was that stupid trend of women pulling their bags from the backseat of the car and accidentally on purpose hitting their boyfriends in the head? Well, even before that became a trend, I witness that happening with a friend. Back then, I was 25 and my friend was 40. He got upset, but took it like a champ. Complained once and let it go. I couldn't understand why he was acting like that when I knew for a fact that he was a true alpha who could have any woman he wanted. Dude just wanted to settle down and decided to take it, whereas me, just a young adult, was breaking up with my girlfriend because I wouln't have disrespects like that.
I think this is a message to all the masculine women.
Furthermore, having a big ego never plays well for anyone. We all must give to receive. The is a universal law.
Not once did he suggest it applies to women more than men, but in my opinion it definitely mostly affects women seeking relationships, aka a woman's biggest hurdle is her pride.
Masculine women as in "tomboys?"
I know some "tomboys" that are very cool and easy to hangout with, and they look great without makeup. They're less into drama like the "girly-girls"
@@sirphil13 No, masculine women as in "boss babes".
this applies to both genders as the author was speaking terms of life goals & objectives, not solely romantic relations
perhaps the author’s next topic should be selective hearing…
@@sirphil13 They are cool as friends. That's it. Try having a relationship with one and you'll see. They'll try to be the man in the relationship and any attempt of problem solving/human connection will be met with a poor attempt of acting like a man by telling you non-verbally that you should STFU and deal with it AKA do what she wants. Haha.
Your integrity is absolutely a hill to die on.
Self-respect ultimately is, integrity.
@@TwoDogsBigYard Arguing isn't integrity.
Stating your boundaries, and leaving if necessary, that's more like it.
@trachbeba3488 only works when you have the upper hand or you're the one with the leverage or the one with what the other party wants. Otherwise, you have to be somewhat agreeable when someone has what you want. I'll illustrate withh an example. A teenager can't set hard boundaries when he knows he's not the one responsible for his own survival and comfort. A parent on the other hand can set hard boundaries for the teenager. The fact that many don't understand this means many still have a lot of growing up to do.
@@obviouslyasockpuppet Except you are talking to an adult. And adult men and women, if they possess critical thinking and their mind is not poisoned by scharlatans, can decide what their angle is, what are the pros or cons, and act accordingly.
In my opinion integrity and self-respect stay with you far beyong the BS that people obtaing by brown nosing or focusing on others (such focus is rarely sencere).
@@trachbeba3488 So integrity is refusing to negotiate?
@@dontcallthemliberals3316 Integrity is offering negotiation, but refusing humiliation.
Oh my God! This dude is so brutally honest! AND I LOVE IT!
In the business world the saying "The customer is always right." requires you to put aside some of your self respect in order to be successful in business.
".... in matters of taste"
Because the customer isn't dealing with you personally. He's dealing with the business you're representing. So if he insults "you", in reality he's insulting the company behind you.
And that's why I don't like dealing with salesmen and business professionals. Their hypocracy and two faced attitudes often become their second nature.
@@Candlelight787 Dude. Life is harder for you.
well.. the higher up in business you go, the more you have to learn the real core of doing a deal.. what does the customer truly want. What is their true desire. And can you provide that for them. If you can, you most likely will have a deal. And maybe a long term deal too. This is why many bankers etc do insane wine and dine things. Because it is that important to get the deal done.
I needed to hear this. Since I went to therapy I've been focused on self-love but I've been feeling a bit intransigent regarding self-respect. It's hard to balance but this episode got me thinking. Thanks!
People need to learn to be decent and fair with everyone... including themselves.
The issue is that "decent and fair" can be very subjective definitions informed by perspective, experience, differing values, etc.
@@mikeescobar8880 True. Different people have different ideas as to what respect is.
“People”
@@suefleming Yeah and some are more greedy than others.
That's what self respect was about. You'd remove yourself from situation that don't value you.
While I understand the point, there is the need for a boundaries and some principles are not negotiable. How does “getting what you want” feel when you have to give up your dignity, your character or any other things you consider important.
This is your opinion. Some people have absolutely no problem with this.
a lot of people don't know the difference between self respect and selfishness
I definitely value self respect especially when it comes to not appearing ungrateful whenever a friend does me favors despite how I can’t seem to emotionally express it but I definitely try to
I respect no one that has no self respect.
There are too many people and too many opportunities in the world to compromise your own integrity. Keep moving!
Neely Fuller Jr says you never ask for respect because it is something you have to give to yourself- respect means you refuse to lie to yourself.
When keeping it real goes wrong
This advice is great on paper, but it doesn't always work. A lot of times people won't respect you, and so you have to draw a line in the concrete to make them aware of your boundaries. Playing games and manipulation are not the same thing as adapting. Adapting should not come at the cost of standing up for principles. The problem isn't that too many people prioritize self-respect above all others; the problem for the most part is that most people have no self-respect and just do what this video says: game the system in order to achieve "success" which turns them into cold and calculating shrewd people who have no morals or ethics. They are too utilitarian and not principled individuals. Such people are the least trust worthy, regardless of how smart and wise they appear on the surface.
I love Orion, but he misses exactly this angle every time.
Like he actually has a video on teaching yourself to be stoic, poker faced, and completely nonreactive with a high-quality woman whenever she's experiencing a negative emotion toward you.
And my comment below was basically "That is going to quickly LOSE any high-quality woman."
In fact, it's only a good reaction strategy with a LOW quality woman.
In other words, Orion's pure utilitarian, Aspy rationalism is a great way to hang on to a bunch of low quality relationships and never really learn how to be vulnerable and feel truly safe with anybody.
I think you'll just want to know clearly (to the extent that's possible) who you want to associate with in relationships, personal and professional.
@@destrygriffith3972 Yes I definitely agree that doing these minds games will only get you toxic low quality women, and there's plenty of those. I guess Orion is of the opinion that he wants to help men to at least have sex with as many women as possible since it's so difficult to find a relationship for the average guy. It might seem noble on the surface, but I find no meaning in casual sex. I'd rather be married to and have kids with one high quality woman than to have a bunch of mistresses. The latter just sounds exhausting and emotionally draining, but lots of guys are buyers so there will continue to be supply.
@@marcdoutherd3424 I absolutely agree with that. I think it's very important today to be thorough and picky (in the right way, of course) about who you associate and work with. Learned this the hard way, especially about jobs I worked in. Never underestimate a toxic work environment and hell it'll unleash on you in every part of your life.
@@anosh88are you active on other socials where you post your writings... Would love to explore more of your thoughts.
I love being alone and I love selfrespect. Having a partner can be exhausting and I don't want to make compromises or deal with other people's shit.
What if they got a tight ass?
I also love self respect and being alone but there is a point when you need to compromise and forgive a little bit (because no one is perfect us included) what really matters and the tricky part is finding the right person that the compromise is less and the said person gives it back and is deserving of it!!!
Sage advice. Listen up, especially the ladies.
Life without a partner is sooo easy, and I keep my self-respect. I prefer to be alone.
Being too extremist is not good.
I was about to say. I think no one can live without self-respect for years.
@@ChrisPTY507extremist to whom. For you. 😂
@@sandeepvonguru8488 Black-and-white thinking is never healthy. There is always a gray area where all perspectives can be considered.
Given your comment, I doubt you'll understand what I mean. Have a good day.
Agreed. Self respect above all. As someone who compromised his self respect and gained quite a lot in his life in return. I would rather keep self respect in many situations I have been and give up the "goods".
8:17 not getting everything to go your way doesn't diminish your self-respect. It is normal and expected. That is egotism, not self-respect. On the other hand, if the work environment is toxic and you're actually working with disrespectful people, then you should stand up for yourself. There is no happy life to be achieved by spending 40 hours a week in a toxic place. If you need the money a lot, then you can let things slide until you can leave that place, but you should never be okay with abusive circumstances.
You can certainly see your acting background when you did your examples. Although I am glad you found your calling as a therapist.. I think you were quite an actor.
The mastery of this is precisely "emotion intelligence"...very insightful!
This is a huge point. A point i wish i had known earlier in life. A point that is key for me right now in that my tendency to prioritize self respect could cost me what i ultimately want which is a really great relationship.
This came at an opportune time for me. I have a friend who did something I perceived as very disrespectful and deceitful. Normally, I was the person pursuing resolution because my relationship and objective goals were more important to me.
Now in my life, I am seeing that self-respect is a higher priority to who I have grown into. I am ready to cut this person out, flat, and be fine with it. My partner wants me to reconcile with my friend. I am perfectly willing to do so, once they acknowledge what happened. Im still hurt and angry, so the situation may change as my processing of what happened develops- but thinking of just moving on and forgiving and seeking out resolution makes me feel like I am backsliding.
Even if they actually had some good or neutral intentions, the way they went about it hurt me, and yes my ego. I don't they value me, so I cant bring myself to make the first move.
It is helpful while Im still getting through this to hear the perspectives. Depending on my goals, the outcome will have benefits and drawbacks. Right now, self-respect is winning. Maybe that will make me suffer later in some way, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it.
Thanks Orion!
People mistake ego freakism for self respect. Sometimes wasting your own time on something for your ego is extremely disrespectful to your own time and self
Ego is self respect taken to its most extreme that it becomes a detriment to your life.
Nice try but you need to learn the difference before commenting fool.
Self-respect is built on a sense of self-worth. Ego is built on feeling superior entitled and arrogance.
Very valuable as usual. I knew a person that would practically sabotage all their relationships, inevitably at one point, because their priority is always self-respect, not realising that upholding self-respect in close-relationships, especially, is like asking for your relationships to break one by one. I used to give her advice and tell her that this is not the way you should deal with your friends, that people will always come to times where they might cross the line when dealing with her, that this is how humans have their relationships, but of course, all in vain. She now has no body, no one ever that really cares much about her. She has her self-respect though.
This hits home for me. I need to work on this a lot..
I find that due to the nature of my work, I find myself having to explain to people that me disagreeing isn't a declaration of some petty, ideological war. I work in software quality assurance. My job, by definition, is to highlight problems, perceived or real. I've said many times that just because I think a decision has been made that is sub-optimal doesn't mean that I'm not going to do my best to help a project succeed. I feel that this sort of nuance is lost on a lot of people, including those who are compelled to adhere vehemently to their self-respect. Doing something you don't like isn't an attack on your self-respect, your identity or sovereignty (whatever that's supposed to mean). It's called reality.
Conformity is a part of politicking and disagreeing often is also. Any argument is an opportunity for power/status. You probably don't see it that way because you aren't competing for power/status, but other people above you are rational to assume you are. It's rational to be on the lookout to potential threats to your status.
I particularly appreciate that you didn't close with a concept of "balance" but rather of wisdom. I think it's much more accurate.
This is exactly my buddy. If only he he listened to the zillions of times people told him about this issue they saw in him. He always took everything personally and ended it "having it out" with co-workers.
Boundaries, a book by Dr Henry Cloud. We still need boundaries when dealing with other people. Plus, having a thick skin helps.
I think it is very important to prioritize self respect simply because you have to live with yourself. Sure, if you want to get ahead at work you have to play the game and sometimes go along to get along. But you are still respecting yourself because you are working effectively toward your goals--a raise, a promotion, etc. In personal relationships, you have to decide if the pain is worth the gain, and in that case ask yourself some tough questions : How much do I want him/her in my life? If they go away, how much will I miss them? How replaceable are they--are there many others out there who could possibly fill the same need?
What a absolute masterpiece!!!!!!!! One can tell that you have worked for many hours writing and choosing each and every word meticulously. The entire 10 minutes 48 seconds are packed with knowledge and insight. You gained a loyal subscriber. Also i love that you don't solely focus on men-women related Psychology, but on the entire spectrum of life. Keep up the good work Sir. Love and respect from India❤
Why does prioritizing harmony or effectiveness in my relationships always end up making me feel terrible. Dead inside. Or just resentful. Like I am playing a game... oh wait it is a game I forgot. Maybe I feel bad because instead of enjoying my life, I am playing boring games, just so that I can have some company.
Greatly desiring an outcome is the reason we don't get it. Detaching from the outcome means that if you don't get the outcome, it's okay. If you do get the outcome, it's okay. Either way, it's okay.
His point isn't to disregard your self respect completely. It is to be wise and adaptable and flexible, to see when is the best strategy to use.
I.e. Don't be too trigger happy, and don't be a pushover. Realize when to take action and stand up for yourself.
@MisterCovek maintaining the harmony of a relationship at all costs will almost always result in feeling resentful. The question that must then be asked is if the relationship is even worth having.
Beware of narcissistic abuse though. Keeping the peace is walking on eggshells and fawning, the forth trauma response along with fight flight, freeze
True, a lot people take and never give, meanwhile a bunch of people keep giving. The people that always take tell the givers to not have self respect. It's bs. You're supposed to maintain self respect against these takers so that they learn that they can't keep encroaching.
Wow, you really touch on subjects that are so deep that almost no one else has the same depth and perspective to be able to dissect such matters and concepts. I do prioritize self respect to the max in cases of not respecting my time or flagrant verbal disrespect as stated in the video but it opened my eyes for sure on how that should be applied in certain scenarios only
I'm so glad I heard this because I'm on the road to prison if I don't drop my ego I will be on my way...
However the courts and my sober living house has abused their power and crossed my boundaries
One can "turn the other cheek" and still have massive self-respect because it indicates an emotional strength to resist returning evil for evil. Dignity can never be taken...it can only be given away. Self-respect depends on what you respect...what is your moral value framework? You only lose self-respect when you violate your values. One value could be, "I prefer to maintain peace than to vindicate myself at all costs." On the surface this could appear as wimping...but it's not.
What about the people who don’t want anything from anyone, and don’t see the point of romantic relationships, who just pass through life as a polite stranger who pays their own way and minds their own business without caring about what other people think as they meet their own needs in respecting themselves?
What are they really missing out on besides the frustration of being surrounded by people who have no clue?
This helps make sense of some things I’ve struggled with, more so when I was younger.
I can’t live without self-respect. But I can live without a relationship. Helps that I’m living in The Philippines where women love my American nose and white skin.
Self-respect and self-love are the sine qua non of life. Nothing is more important.
Wow, this was an incredibly helpful lens of self-reflection. Thinking about effectiveness in those 3 ways helps me see how I might be letting my principles affect my likeability. Not a tradeoff I really want to make
I think its just a matter of what I refer to as " strategic likability ". For example, I use to have friends ( I use the term generously) who provided little to no benefit in comparison to the energy I was providing them. So once I no longer cared whether the liked me, the friendships ended. I lost nothing by not being likable. Except dead emotional weight. But in a work environment where I normally might bump heads with someone, I have learned strategic likability. The strategy of being likable in that scenario is to my benefit. When it is not to my benefit, I do not utilize it. Many people are not worth utilizing it.
@@modickens1272 it's a "big" word; but so often used incorrectly (utilize).
Most of your videos are extremely insightful. I wish that I had access to this in my 20s.
This does fit with my experience, apparently I prioritize self respect .. so I bought your book - its never too late to become better
Probably one of your best episodes yet. I desperately needed to hear this. Cheers Orion
I'd like to quote a bible verse at this moment. "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." - 1 Corinthians 13:4- 7. It is a bliss when you and your partner obey this verse.
8:50 I need this as a soundbite for a soundboard.
Ordered your book today. Given the content on the your channel I'm expecting great insights and actionable advice! Thanks for your all your content!
Glad to see you create gender integrated series too. I really love the way you spoke about the principles which engulfs both genders.
I got your book. Look forward to reading it.
This is powerful. Truly, I had to uphold self-respect when I was involved in relationships where I was shown flagrant disrespect. Also, I continue to do internal work on myself to ensure I am not in those kinds of relationships anymore. Thank you so much Dr Taraban!
You described my mother and explained why I haven’t talked to her in over 3+ years.
Could we explore more about this topic in a further video? In a world in which lacking integrity seems to be the norm, I don't see how a healthy sense of self respect is worth trading for things and relationships I don't need or want, which happens to be the case 99% of the time.
Sounds like bending the line between pride and so called “self respect”
Bravo, what a performance! 👏
But when someone loses their appetite for close relationships then prioritizing self respect becomes a no brainer. The Doc is rightly assuming that most folks care to win friends or lovers.
But to those who are lone rangers by choice then the level of respect from other people becomes irrelevant in most cases. It makes sense to prioritize self respect if you're not trying to win people over anyway.
Great episode. It shows in a broader sense how there is never a silver bullet to issues in this life; you have to adapt your strategy differently to each different scenario thrown at you.
Thanks!
Shouldn't these 3 things balance each other out and find harmony? Like how much self-respect can somebody have if they're fine with never getting what they want? At a certain point wouldn't you say you deserve better than nothing and out of self - respect start prioritizing efficacy more?
This is a great message! My gut has handled this issue in myself this way; Every 4 to 5 years my gut tells me to DO all the things that I said I would never do. LOL! It has been so enlightening, freeing, and it has propelled me to the next phase in life EVERY TIME I have done this. I thank God for this insight, it has helped me see the nothingness in the stipulations I placed on myself. Great message!
Unfortunately in our new world of social media where people’s ego is so inflated and narcissism is the norm, most of the time you have to prioritize self respect on others to get what you want.
Very true. I'm in the 3rd group. There is no price. I'm not willing to pay, and no sacrifice. I'm not willing to make, to prevent somebody taking advantage of me, by giving me less than what he/she gets from me. I always strive to create win-win situations. Unfortunately, there are far too many people who grossly overestimate their bargaining position and underestimate mine. As a result, more often than not, despite all my goodwil and positive intentions, it ends up in a lose-lose situation.
If people overestimate thier barganing position and underestimate yours (without a good reason to do so), it means the market is unregulated and it's time to leave the market until it balances itself.
I needed to hear this today. I think in more recent years I may have over corrected, from past experiences of being pushed around and tolerating situations for too long I should of removed myself from, it should be an excuse to treat and view others in my life today like so. Good to know I can bring back in objective and relational goals to be a more effective and better man.
Why this is me...
I'm so proud and I need to protect my dignity at all costs and that indeed is making me really lonely because I get out at the slightest of behaviour perceived at disrespect... And I'm easily offended I guess.
Thanks for this content. I will gain awareness and try to balance out this trait
Your book is a great read thus far, cheers.
I will use this for a performance review of one of my reports. Should be very helpful for him. I wish I watched this 20 years ago for myself.
From what I can tell, many, if not most, people attempt to exhibit self respect but really project defensiveness-which is a sign of weakness.
Sage and distilled. The Dr. Has a gift for simplifying and that's meant as a high compliment. I look forward to reading the new book even though I am in a committed relationship. Glad I found this channel
This was particularly useful. Very eye opening and insightful. I learnt a lot and thank you. ❤
As a MAN you should prioritize Self-respect above all things .....respect is earn not given
Self respect is important in situations where there is a tendency to take you for granted. However there are some rare situations where you can adjust it a little if you want to get something or someone that you genuinely desire. But it can't be all the time.
A video so nice I had to watch it twice!
Mr. Taraban, i've watched many of your videos thoughout the years, but this one is the most resonant yet. Many of us think that self-respect should be a great priority in a life where we as individials want to improve, yet if we abuse this principle, we might dig ourselves in a hole, as you just mentioned here. So thank you very much, and keep on going, you are changing lives, as this is your mission.
As a blk woman i use to only date blk men. It was like some moral concept. And boy, i almost died on that hill. Fuc that. Now i date anyone and everyone. I just keep my legs closed
The three values is a beautifully simple encapsulation personal interactions, cutting through masses of unnecessary complexity.
This was gold!
This goes along the lines of loving as the sun loves. Love without expecting anything in return.
This is such an interesting topic, and also true. Never been in a relationship, because I've been obsessed with self-respect since I was a teenager. And always thought that even trying to get into relationships is a humiliating process.
The only time when I might put aside this obsession of mine with self-respct and pride, is when I'm dealing with law enforcement people, like police officers, because I can get it my way if I play dumb with them.
Why would the goal be to maintain a relationship with a person who requires you to disrespect yourself in order to keep them? I think your advice is missing the mark and perpetuating codependency and even narcissistic abuse. Someone who truly loves another would not require them to abandon their self-respect.
Indeed there are a lot of sunken costs with self-resptect.
Def learned this lesson the hard way😅
Doc, thanks for you help, very appreciate and respect what you are doing!:)
I have a little suggestion to change final question to - "how does this fit to your own experience?"
About the book, I like the title but subtitle is not very clear and also very long, "How to connect with others and understand them well" clearly a good fit
Of course it leaves behind the issue that many people don't know what they want
How is self-respect is different from feeling worthy and personal integrity?
As usual, we must find a balance between the three objectives if we want to succeed in life.
Good framework to be aware of in order to know which approach to apply
Self respect should be considered as a secondary strategy when the other two have failed. I agree, it should not necessarily be in the forefront, but it should be prepared in your arsenal nonetheless. The tricky part is timing, when it should kick in, otherwise if you utilize it too late, you might fall to being expended and manipulated. its all about balance. Call it a strategic missile strike when diplomacy has hit the wall.
I really needed to hear this. My pride has fucked me my whole life. I gotta start adjusting to meet the other goals more. Thank you.
I think it’s really interesting that when describing the priorities, he actually showcases the different emotional states involved with all of them. Objective effectiveness being cold and calculated, relational effectiveness being complete self sacrifice and submission, and Self Respectiveness, which I can best describe as outrage.
Outrage is rarely an effective emotional strategy unless you’re trying to inspire outrage in other people against a third party… especially when that outrage is directed at you. So I think that kinda goes hand in hand. 😏