How men get suckered into fighting with women: why shouldn't you have to deal with it?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 15 ก.ย. 2024
- Most men have no interest in fighting with their partners. So why does it end up happening? In this video, I discuss how women can spring a trap inside the minds of men, and how men can inadvertently sow the seeds of discord in their relationships. Of course, I also provide strategies for disarming this process and cultivating harmony.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #relationship #women
Most men have no interest in fighting with their partners. So why does it end up happening? In this video, I discuss how women can spring a trap inside the minds of men, and how men can inadvertently sow the seeds of discord in their relationships. Of course, I also provide strategies for disarming this process and cultivating harmony.
Buy my book, "The Value of Others"
Ebook: amzn.to/460uGrA
Audiobook: amzn.to/3YfFwbx
Paperback: amzn.to/3xQuIFK
Book a paid consultation:
oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations
Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #relationship #women
can you please make a video on how to deal with a partner that you think is lying to you/bullshitting you? how do i get the truth out of her mouth? i think a girl has a problem with me but she never has said she has a problem with me, but she says random excuses that dont add up to why we dont talk anymore or tells me that she will text me after X day and it doesnt happen and then i get a excuse if i ask, its very annoying situation
@@dontreadmyname4396 You already know the truth. Getting it out of her mouth is a pipe dream you will make yourself nuts over.
I appreciate all of the insight’s other than following the script and buying into the paradigm that women should transact sex for money.
@@dontreadmyname4396 Women follow the same logic that politicians do: they're lying when their mouths are open.
For men, you should never take anything a woman says seriously or at face value. Reality has no correlation at all with what they say, PERIOD. Don't take anything they say personally, even compliments or declarations of love. If you feel there is something lacking inside you that is effecting your relationship, hang around with good men that you admire, because they'll tell you quickly what is wrong with you and how to adjust. Don't expect meaningful feedback from women in relationships.
@@epicbehavior Meh. All sex is transacted for something. Whether it's your money, or it's your time and effort to make them feel loved...it's transacted for something.
´By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.´ Socrates
12 years divorced..a philosopher I am🤷🏾♂️
Must be a lot of philosophers walking around.
@@johnroberts3824 Socrates told it to his pupils in philosophy.
and in his day the percentage of ''good women'' were much higher, in todays soyciety said ''good women'' are free and rewarded to allow their nature to shine at YOUR expense
Have 2 wives.
The constant need for your affection will create a healthy competition amongst your two wives which will make them be sweet & caring towatds you.
The best thing I ever did for my dating experience was drawing a line in the sand. Zero bitchiness, zero arguing, zero disrespect allowed. If you go into a relationship with those boundaries, and you find a woman who loves you, you'll live in peace the rest of your life. Any woman who is willing to argue with their man thinks they can do better, and it's hard to come back from that.
@@BenjaminPlaysRust partially agree. People are human. The range of emotions will occur but I guess what you are saying is to check them. But your reflection doesn’t seem to allow for men to that bring issues to a relationship. You kind of have to forgive in order to receive forgiveness as well. I don’t think the answer is to just be on defense all the time and checking down on the disrespect.
@@BenjaminPlaysRust you can’t have any form of relationship without some arguing. It’s healthy to have disagreements.
@@dancarlson7257 Agreed. Having absolutely zero tolerance can't work, because there's inevitably going to be something in your behaviour that the other person will have to tolerate. No one is perfect, everyone will slip up. While it's fine to never permit disrespect, it's insane to expect a women to NEVER be bitchy or NEVER argue. My wife is a damn angel, but even she has her moments. As do I.
@@dancarlson7257There's a threshold of tolerance for everything. The general consensus of what is deemed as disrespectful is almost always arguably dismissive. What are some things that may be labeled as disrespectful, for example, that you deem forgivable in a relationship context? Being empathetic or naive in the act of forgiving can land you in some bad predicaments MOST of the time. Giving grace in light of some form of disrespect that is rooted in past traumas/relationships, or some mental challenges gets nowhere but ran over. It's not like in most cases you check them, and the problem is solved, or they know where/how to solve it. It is usually much deeper than the occurrence itself, and is a repeated offense more or less.
@@fiopodcast9085 The problem is not arguing over a disagreement. The problem is turning that argument emotional. You have to discuss issues in the most emotionless way possible.
Great video! As an experienced divorce and family law attorney, I have seen hundreds of domestic violence cases. Most of the cases are without merit and get dismissed. However, in a small minority of cases, wife or girlfriend will push the man’s buttons to the point where he reacts in a way that he later regrets.
A couple of tips through my lens: learn how to go “greyrock” if you have a woman in your life who provokes you;
if you are not married, and you are in a relationship where you are getting provoked, make an exit plan and exit;
if you are dating someone and you get vibes that they are mean, crazy, or they try to push your buttons, do NOT cohabitate and certainly do not marry them.
Level up in all areas of your life. Have an abundance mindset. Focus on the things that bring you joy.
I don’t care if the woman is everything you ever dreamed of. If she is provoking you, it will NEVER end well.
You can thank me later for keeping you out of domestic violence court and family court.
Wise counsel
Completely agree here - it's not quite as simple as becoming immune to the triggers as the video says. Any woman who repeatedly disrespects you and continually tries to start arguments is a divorce waiting to happen.
I used to think that my now ex-wife wanted me to hit her. The way she wouldnt back down really made me question her intentions.
Exactly my thoughts. If you can't walk away you may be in trouble even if you are a Kung fu master of psycology
How many DV cases have you seen where the women caused the first attack? I think, most of the times, it is women who launch the first physical attack and the men just do not report it and thus no DV cases happened.
‘If you don’t care she can’t function…’
The great Patrice O’Neal
But if you care, she will destroy you.
@@SayfumaniMyGor just leave
@@edm-london1660 spot on
@@devin3607 categorical mistake
@@ryanh9388 I feel like it's more of a dance. The arts of caring without sacrificing oneself
I don’t need my partner to test me and expose buttons that are usually not pushed by anyone in the outside world. People in non-intimate relationships usually don’t test others in such a hostile way. I’m all for self-improvement and growth, but I don’t need my home to be a constant sparring match
THIS.
I agree. I understand what he's getting at to a degree but I can't help but think, when do I get to be human? Does it even makes sense to build and share a life with someone who gets to be vindictive and provocative all while I don't even get the grace to show emotion in those moments?
It's crazy how we as men are brainwashed to believe that the mentally and emotionally abusive behaviors of vvomen are actually "tests" and "are necessary"
Yep. In one video The Doc tells you to set/have boundaries, in this one learning how not to get your buttons pushed and remove said buttons. But how many buttons, for how long? Maybe you 'grow' new buttons (you know, men evolving/maturing), so she starts pushing those (and women WILL find them - probing). So, when 'enough is enough'?
And as we get older, too many women have pushed too many buttons - maybe you walked away, maybe she kicked you out - yet then you start the cycle all over again with another woman? Sure, you will come with experience, but it remains tiresome - and, disheartening if you find out she tries the same tricks like the previous one(s).
@@motnik the trick is to eliminate any motivation for your partner to continue testing you in the dating phase, well before you’ve even talked about moving in together.
I no longer argue with women in general. Women and men have different goals when we argue. Men care about what is right. Women care about who is right. Men talk about the subject, women make everything personal. There's no reconciling that. Another reason I stopped arguing with women is because when I'm annoyed I tend to become antagonistically sarcastic. That line when you said, and I'm paraphrasing; "thank you for showing me I still have buttons that can be pushed. You did me a huge favor". That's something I would actually say in an argument LOL
That's what he's saying. The more you give the sarcasm to women the more they will return the negative energy 10 fold.
More mature approach is to meet her with compassion.
Can you please elaborate. Or give an example of what meeting someone with compassion looks like. Many thanks@@jehriasean6379
@@jehriasean6379 I understand all that. I just don't give a fuck.
That was my favorite line too. Instead of getting emotional I use it as a emotional exercise, for the woman I should be with.
I would say women care about what “feels” right…they don’t care about who is right (especially if it’s not them) but if they “feel” they are right.
Dump the drama queen. A good woman brings peace. If she shows you she is a headache, get rid of the headache.
Bring peace from where if you cause her turmoil
This standard will ensure people are alone. I think the message is a little closer to tolerance by self control
A woman that isnt a drama queen? Umm.. Ive heard tales of them.
All women are like this however. Some worse than others. But even the most pleasant one will do these things.
Unless the headache is yours
Happily divorced - complete peace and freedom, zero arguments, much more expendable income. Spent much of my life believing having a wife and kids was something that precipitated happiness, wholeness, and joy. Gentlemen, it's just swapping one set of problems for another. You don't have to deal with it - it's a choice. Blessings to everyone and respect to the opinion of others.
Not sure you took the message of the video to heart here.
If your plan is to tell every man to stay away from women because it's a lot easier that way, humanity will be gone within a century. It HAS to work out, it's really that simple.
I'm not saying you can't be happy divorced, I'm just saying it's not really a sustainable solution in the grand scheme of things.
agree your views, and share them by experience. peace is treasure of life.
@@Aaliyashinot true. Women will have to adjust. Men can be happy on their own, women can’t.
@@murat8194facts
If you ever want to witness a woman *really* show her true colors, just refuse to participate in a fight / argument that she initiates.
@@Tami-88How does that make you feel about your choice of human skills having had a “severely narcissistic” for a life partner ?
@@Tami-88 Yeah... not sure this is the flex you think it is.
@@likearollingstone007You realize that one of the standard traits of narcissism is that they're good at hiding their self-centered behaviors until you're already invested or comfy in the relationship right? Plenty of good people end up in relationships in narcissists
@@Tami-88 See, a healthy person would vet their life partner BEFORE tying the knot, but I guess this is what passes for modern feminine wisdom: just blame it on your youth. This why we have so many young women making so many obvious mistakes as you're the ones they're learning from.
@@SirShiv7Think you're being a bit harsh. She made a mistake, she recognized the mistake and she fixed the mistake. Maybe take a step away from the manosphere for a while mate, gain some new perspectives.
I call these emotional triggers. Something that test your frame. If you can catch the trigger and identify it before you open your mouth then you've successfully control your emotional state. When having intense conversations with my son's mom actually started catching the triggers. And then brush them aside to move on to the actual point of the conversation. To realize you're in control of yourself and others have no power over you is amazing
The power of mindfulness.
The problem is some will keep pushing until they get a reaction or publicly humiliate you so that you have to respond negatively or check her.
@@leeolie3728 No. You get up and walk away. She can’t have a fight by herself…and trying to control (“check”) her behavior only add fuel to the fire.
There is no (legal) way you can force her to respect you or your boundaries. The most powerful form of rejecting her bad behavior is simply ignoring her and it…by just walking away.
Because you are denying her the very thing she wants: attention.
@@kellygreenii This is true, but can be difficult to navigate as they seem to have the most innate detection of hard to leave situations for a man, like at a wedding, his parents house, his graduation, work, a work party, on a vacation etc etc. and then he is painted as a deserter
@@leeolie3728 Can’t be concerned by that. You can either be healthy…or popular…but not both. Especially if you are dealing with a toxic woman. Because society will make all kinds of excuses for women engaging in emotionally or socially aggressive behavior.
The only way to win at an unwinnable game is not to play. Walk. Away.
I just started seeing them as children and ignore them. They usually get over it on their own. Just making eye contact and look at them like they are overeacting without saying anything and they start to feel dumb. Its worked for me for years.
best thing you can do best way to see women as and you dont get so wind up
That sounds like strong boundaries, not reacting to them negatively, let's then know it's not ok and it has no effect on you.
Also makes me think maybe find a more mature woman or are they all like this?
@jehriasean6379 It is test to see how men handle childish behaviour, whether she realises it or not. If he has the strength and resilience to respond instead of react when a woman does it, then he might have the strength and resilience when a child does it (as they are smaller, but have far less self control and so will bring chaos more often), not to mention the possible side effects of post-natal depression etc.
Actual children are in a world of their own, and aren't born with emotional regulation skills - parents/carers need to be able to respond and not react if they dont want to end up abusing their children. If you want to be a father, wise up. If you don't, well... she might sense that when you think, "Ishouldn'thavetoputupwiththis", and maybe you will have to find another woman. Not all women escalate ad infinitum - some will just walk as soon as they have sussed you out.
@charlottegyseman5667, this is just a bullshit theory you made up to justify your own childish behavior. It's not a "test". It's just your nature.
this doesnt sound healthy at all - goodluck with that
The one line men must remember: "We will discuss this later when you calm down."
Then it’s “so you’re just going to ignore me and be childish”
There’s no way to stop that tsunami
the next word is "bye for now"'
That line is like pouring gasoline on her emotional fire.
@@scottmiller1300It’s not about calming her, this is her problem, she’s adult. It’s about drawing a boundary.
Dont say 'you', say 'we' or 'things'.
Avoid the perception of assigning blame
I'm sorry Orion, but absolutely no one is worth playing this level of mental game for. To say that I have to achieve vigilant discipline over my thoughts, lest that starts the exponential trigger of a fight, speaks to the uncontrollable chaos of how some women can be. I'd rather be stark alone for the rest of my life than deal with an incompetent child, no matter what the cost.
And this comment points out the very fact of the current situation, especially in the West. H Oh F Lation is REAL, and should not be tolerated.
Sometimes, the only winning is not to play the game.
While I can understand the emotional exasperation and frustration of having to tend to and manage the temperament of an adult with more choice than us, reconsider what Dr. Taraban stated in the video sir.
I recently had an experience with a young woman whom I fancied fall through. I was upset and all the negative feelings of unworthiness and contempt came flooding back again. I acknowledged it as well as the source, and dealt with it. I then channeled that negativity into grace and gratitude. She could’ve left me on read and not responded, but she had the courtesy and decency to let me know where she was at and why I wasn’t a priority for her at the moment. I thanked her, and she responded back with love and grace as well. I did it more so for me to rise above the hurt and to move forward. It’s all apart of life, and you have to let it teach you in order to grow instead of staying stagnant. Just my two cents
If you want a family, you will have to face this. Otherwise if you are happy without kids, then yrs it works
@@johnpreston230 There are legal and moral ways for having kids without having to subject yourself to years of a b u s e from a woh man.
@@lukenielsen8397 what if the woman changes after you have the kids? Legal ways are great but when you want to keep on seeing your kids every day, you have to find other strategies.
It sometimes doesn't work the way we think and saying bye bye only works when there is nothing to lose. Good luck
There was a Ben & Jerry's bumper sticker back in the day that said "If it's not fun, why do it?" And I've been applying that to dating women ever since.
That's literally how they deal with us, so let's treat them the same way. Ironically, they like when we don't give af about how they feel.
I normally go with, "No one else is doing to have fun for you"
Gosh this is not true @@maxstrike3022
@@maxstrike3022 -- If you don't give af they complain but they keep coming back.
One thing I've done (I've been using this gratitude technique for years) is to thank my woman in real time for pointing out a soft spot: "Oh shit, I had a small reaction to what you said there, thanks for pointing that out." Then move the conversation along and get to the point if there is one.
This blows their minds. It's the last thing a woman expects you to do, and has often put her straight into her feminine. That's the moment you put up a boundary if you need to: "While I appreciate you pointing that out in me, I'm not okay with you speaking to me like that again."
I’ve tried variations of this, and from my experience, it just invites more tests. Going silent and ignoring the issue is nearly the only way to get through a fight.
@@fastingman4726 Your problem is not welcoming the tests. If the fact that she's testing you bothers you, you're failing a the test.
@@delocon I think you misunderstood me. Me not acknowledging her tests and staying silent IS NOT reacting to it. I’m ignoring it altogether. If I thank her for her tests, it incentivizes her to find new tests. All these new tests fail by me not reacting to those said tests. Thanking her motivates more tests.
I can't say this because it's not genuine. I'm not grateful for them "pointing our my weaknesses" by mentally abusing me.
@@smokingcrab2290 By calling it abuse you're indicating that you see a woman as higher up in the power structure than you. Abuse only travels down, not up. You cannot be abused by a woman, and if you see her testing you as abuse, you have no place dating.
Unfortunately this applies to daughters, sisters, and mothers as well.
yeah, many times they do things just to get attention. Sometimes I have tried this : ignore she is a woman, ignore her words, treat her like a baby cat or baby dog, you just love them, stroke them , feed them, hug them , the same way we do with a little cat. It works wonders.
Agreed! Not just men.
@@user-pp2ek6fl4p😂😂😂 trying to push a non existent button
@@user-pp2ek6fl4p nice try 🤣
That sounds like a extraordinary amount of tip-toeing just to not get baited into drama.
It's unfair. But that's life I guess.
This explains why I don't have arguments in my current relationship. My last relationship was so tumultuous that I needed almost three years to get through all the shortcomings, insecurities and soft spots I had within my character. Little by little I was able to systematically remove the "buttons" unbeknownst to me. I did a ton of introspective work and looked to see what my flaws, virtues and projections lay.
It's not to say I'm perfect or "buttonless" now, but compared to before I was a console panel and now I'm maybe a light switch at most. Whenever presented with apparent hostility I don't react. I look to see why she is feeling how she's feeling and instead of letting it upset me I let my inquisitiveness take over. Generally it turns to her calming down and realizing her overreaction. After this we go right back to harmony, which years ago was a completely unknown entity.
This channel has been a catalyst for such a change. I remember years back how easily triggered I was. It generated a lot of self loathing and self criticism because I knew being reactive wasn't the way to go. But unfortunately at the time I just didn't do enough of the work to understand why I was so reactive. After careful unloading, detaching from many obsolete beliefs I'm able to live in a state of clarity. With it there are only lapses where I may lose it, but I go right back to it whenever I realize it.
Long story short, thank you, doc! You are a gem and this channel is worth its weight in gold!
One trick is to observe a pause of a few minutes before reacting to her provocation. During that time, understand her emotions and find a way to acknowledge her emotions.
Awsome post and congratulations on your journey :) i got a question if you dont mind me asking, when your gf gets "hostile" with you do you ever check her and enforcing boundaries or do you just ask her why shes upset without reacting to her provocation? Or do you do both because ive been trying to figure out which is best
@@Repienk I appreciate it. I feel I've become more even keeled as I've gone through the process, so I don't "check" my girlfriend. Generally it's more about finding out why she's acting how she's acting and if it's worth a response or not.
I've found that enforcing boundaries can be done anytime as long as I say it with a calm demeanor. So far it has been pretty effective. That said, I'm happy to say my girl is generally understanding and even admits to making mistakes.
@@skiptomylou011 appreciate the response. So Dr. Orion talks about how you should nip disrespectful behavior from your significant other in the bud to ensure the quality of the relationship. Do you agree with this? It seems like you're saying that even if your gf does or says something disrespectful to you, you've found that in general you dont really even have to adress the behavior by instead validating and understand her feelings.
@@Repienk I do agree with it. I feel as though sometimes I don't see the disrespect right then, which is why I tend to address it later. It also ensures I don't become reactive to any perceived disrespect.
Of course that said, I haven't encountered blatant disrespect yet, so I'd be lying to you if I told you I knew how to address it right then and there if I were to come across it.
No relationship should be more important than the one you have with yourself.
What does this even mean? Obviously do what you need for yourself but if you have a romantic relationship then obviously the relationship has needs that need to be met in order to work.
From a woman’s perspective this is an excellent episode.
I don’t know how men can put up with such women. Growing up with emotionally unregulated women was difficult, I can’t imagine COMMITTING to one of those women.
I’m glad that episodes like this are out there so that men know how to navigate these women/relationships.
@@knowledgeispower200 spot on. My mother came from a very broken and abusive home, and married my dad who came from a loving and stable home.
She is an incredible woman now, and I applaud the journey she’s made to heal her trauma.
She’s happier and healthier. Our family is stronger than ever. Life is good.
@@knowledgeispower200 I’m sorry. It’s hard to put together a broken person.
There is absolutely hope. As long as she keeps making progress, even if she is kicking and screaming as she takes steps forward, it is forward non the less.
But please; if she comes to a standstill and *refuses* to keep moving forward you must prioritize your own peace and mental health.
You can show the horse the watering hole, but you can’t force it to drink.
She must realize that she is no longer that scared and neglected little girl. She has to begin to see the love that surrounds her and the immense sacrifices you have made to show her that love.
Have strength, have patience, be diligent. Never let her regress. Push her to keep going. Don’t lose yourself to the cycle.
I don’t know if you are religious/spiritual, but if you are don’t be afraid to fall back to God. Pray that your sacrifices go to providing your girlfriend the graces to heal. Pray that He helps her to see the love surrounding her, because it sounds like there is a lot of it, and I’m sorry she can’t see it yet.
Much love to you and your lady.
@@knowledgeispower200
If you haven’t already, please watch Orion’s interview he did on Soft White Underbelly. “A Psychologist’s Thoughts on Love and Marriage, Part 2” specifically from 4 : 03 - 14 : 43 when he describes and talks about love. It is reinforcing.
Thx for keeping it real
@@knowledgeispower200
I understand.
The despair. The hopelessness. The resentment. The crushing thought of “is this even worth it?”
Apply the advice you learned from this episode.
Take care of yourself, too, man. Your well being is very important. Don’t allow yourself to become a husk of the man you once were.
If she loves you, she will want to heal, not only for her sake, but yours as well. If she understands the relationship is at risk, she will either continue the journey or lash out. It is up to your discretion with how long you are willing to wait and sacrifice.
My ex was constantly angry about almost everything. I totally shut down. Then she accused me of running away from my problems. 20 years after our divorce, after learning the hard way, I don't engage with any women in any conflict, even if I lose out. I ruined my health and vocal chords, and just don't have the strength to deal with their BS anymore. I'm happy to be a hermit. I tried to do the right thing, but was made to regret it.
Im sorry bro. Stay strong bruther ✊🏻
This sounds bad. Maybe try dating a few and scan for those traits you want in a woman.
One bad experience should not lead to full avoidance.
I guess in your case your lesson was to set boundaries and leave once they were violated.
Either way, enjoy your time.
Why would you ever want to get to the point of "tolerating" a person? No thanks.
Yes, I think Orion missed the mark here, which is rare for him. So if she takes a proverbial "shot" at you, you basically armor up that part of your psyche. Next time, if she's a real piece of work, she'll poke somewhere else and it just goes on and on and on. Ad Nauseum. No thanks Dr.! I guess this advice is more for married men and bonafide simps.
Yeah. We've already been sold the step 1 tolerance, step 2 acceptance, step 3 celebrate BS before...
Why be a punching bag for anyone? If she's a persistent headache affecting your quality of life, you must move on. It's cliché, but sometimes we're our own worst enemy.
When I was in my early 20s women would always tell me that I am not aggresive enough or that I never get angry. In women speak this translates too "I cant trigger you to control your emotions and it bothers me that I have no control over you."
they test you......the way children do
And were you successful with women, because you avoided conflict? Or were you unsuccessful, because you weren't giving them what they craved?
@@heliumcalcium396 Not as successful as the emotional guys with anger issues. But at least I was at peace because I chose not to engage in that form of conflict. I would engage in conflictf I felt that it was naturally occurring and healthy for the relationship to work out the problem. I wouldn't engage if I could tell she was just looking for a fight or someone to take her anger out on.
Anything that makes a man more attractive or more powerful in a relationship is something that will "bother" the women who want things from him. But it doesn't actually bother them in the traditional sense, they just feel their power slipping away, which is (a) Uncommon, because she usually has power over most men she interacts with, and (b) Uncomfortable, in exactly the same way that a man might feel uncomfortable approaching a really attractive woman, ultimately she's getting anxious because she wants him to like her, if she can't control him his approval actually means something and in fact it's the only way to get anything out of him at all.
❤
Stoicism and meditation changed the game for me when someone tries to drag me into conflict. The former provided me with healthy beliefs on accepting reality as it is and taking personal responsibility for how I respond to it. It helped me to quickly reframe any adversity. The latter helps me to regulate my emotions by reducing the influence of my ego and stay grounded in the present moment. I still get triggered from time to time, especially when whomever I’m dating plays the victim. I now have agency on how I respond, and refuse to be pulled down to that level. It is an opportunity for me to show up better for myself, and others.
@@AJ-ru3gl May I ask, what type of meditation do you practice?
@@thoyo Vedic meditation. You may also know it as transcendental meditation. I’ve practiced a few different methods, but this resonates the most with me.
@@AJ-ru3gl Thanks a lot!
What if you really shouldn't have to fucking deal with this?
None of us should.
You can leave without getting angry.
Then don't deal with it. Wherever the bullshit is, be somewhere else.
Im with ya. I was thinking that the whole time. But, Id say it really is a sign that you need to end it in that case.
Yeah, like mentioned before, temporarily leave before you get angry. But if she's relentless then leave permanently. The "It gets worse before it gets better" certainly doesn't apply here. Speaking from personal experience.
Why would you want somebody who looks for opportunities to irritate you like that in your life at all, let alone in your home?
I experienced a certain coworker with princess syndrome trying to irritate me to anger earlier this year. I believed that she hated me & was trying to provoke me into a fight with her in order to play the victim & get me fired. One day I filed an incident report with our manager after my coworker took it too far & a customer overheard her. She got a talking to, I applied for & got a transfer to a location with the same company closer to home, & now I am working more shifts! :)
Men are wired to desire women, build and provide for family. Since to varying degrees all women are provocateurs of chaos, drama junkies, what do you suggest? Die a lonely, bitter, frustrated, unfulfilled old man?
Is this a punishment for you or her? It seems for you in my opinion.
Is this a punishment for you or her? It seems for you in my opinion.
@@onaolapolawal4952 No, I am in a workplace I like better. The transfer was unrelated, since I was an internal applicant in the system already.
Was that a good thing or a bad thing?
I found a woman with many red flags. What a good teacher she is, I'm so grateful for her pushing my buttons. Just the other day, i caught her in a compromising situation with her boss. She proceeded to call me derogatory names and tell me to get out so they could finish up.
I'm such a lucky guy. I keep finding out I have all this work to do on myself.
This but unironically. The lesson there is to withhold emotional investment in a woman until she respects you, otherwise your commitment means nothing to her.
This 💯
No cohabitation solves this problem quickly.
Can bring other problems... but you know arguing with a woman is the end of the world...
Come on
If a woman wants to argue regularly then she is not the one. Having to work on tactics to avoid arguments should be un-necessary if you want a future peaceful happy relationship.
Counterpoint: I SHOULDN'T have to f***ing deal with this. If I've supplied near-infinite patience for ten years... and my "reward" is she gets more and more antagonistic BECAUSE she's experienced that I will peacefully absorb an infinite amount of complaining, then this approach fails in the long run.
Then leave when she does that 😅
I did.
This isn’t only about dating/marriage. My wife is wonderful but this lesson is useful for dealing with my sister.
Its insane that I have to be so careful with
my tone to not set off a psychopathic woman. All of this is true.
@@Zeecash22 truth!!!!
Always remember that women never let logic, sense and reason get in the way of their arguments.
If you have to work that hard, it's not worth it. Move on to another one.
There is a man out there who wants that project way more than you, relinquish the project and he can have it!
The problem is most women are like this to a certain Nth degree. So no matter what you'll have to deal with it at some point
@@f1beg that's why I'm in an advantageous position. My kids are grown and I got rid of my toxic wife almost 20 years ago.
Going forward, I've been in a buyer's market and I practice catch and release. When they get too comfortable, we have a polite talk. If things don't improve, I move on.
It's worked very well for me. If for no other reason than I am relatively fit and make solid bank. Desperate, single women in my demographic on up to the end of life vastly outnumber the amount of decent men they want.
If I do move on, I never have trouble finding a replacement. Never.
"I shouldn't have to fucking deal with this." I have experienced this thought many times in my relationship, and have been conscious of how it impacts my own emotions. My problem comes in when she starts pushing the button really, really hard - the fact that we both know what she is doing but she is doing it anyway is what gets me going and sends us "off to the races." I'm working on it.
I now know the solution is to view them as healthy, grown children. Makes everything so much easier
If you view them as child ren, it makes everything so much easier
One trick is to observe a pause of a few minutes before reacting to her provocation. During that time, understand her emotions and find a way to acknowledge her emotions.
@@EriPages Viewing them as children, NPCs, etc. strikes me as not being without it's own costs. How can you have a close connection with someone that you're devaluing in your mind?
@@Nethemas Two problems with your thinking:
1. You value children less than adults, hence your use of the word "devaluing"
2. You want a "close connection", which I imagine you mean is a connection that allows your to be "vulnerable" with her
Viewing them as children allows you to correctly value them. They're equally valuable as humans, but valued for different reasons.
Secondly, you're still operating from the bluepill mindset of thinking that you can burden HER with your vulnerabilities and NOT have it affect her emotional state/respect toward you. Just like a parent should not be "vulnerable" with their child who they VALUE greatly, a man mustn't be vulernable with HER who he VALUES greatly.
Men listen up -very very important concept to understand. All the way back to Adam, man has succumbed to this trap.
Much more important is that, why Adam didn't listen to God?
A master can turn anything to his purposes
Take control of yourself and emotions
Fits. The man without buttons becomes the constant that the woman must adapt to. This is how men, individually and collectively, regain control of the world.
This video is a super elaborate way to try to rationalize away the fact that your woman can sometimes get on your nerves.
I do not negotiate with terrorists, every time I've had a woman start an argument with me I have shit it down by reminding her, "I've done pretty well on my own, I started with nothing and earned everything you see here, if you are not satisfied then please find your happiness. The door is always unlocked."
The trick is to not get yourself in the emotional and legal cage which is marriage: she can leave out the door with half your assets.
@@CalinGilea When did I say to marry them?
Try this once you have kids... Once you have kids it's totally reversed. You have no upper ground anymore.
@@johnpreston230 The upper ground with kids is recorded surveillance, and your mistake is cohabitating. You pay for it all and when she steps out of line you remove all support.
Furthermore you have her sign a surrogacy contract before even getting her pregnant. Even the best lawyer in the world can't convince a woman to not have a baby when she wants one.
@@johnpreston230 That's not true, men fundamentally have most of the leverage because we're bringing most of the value to the table. A marriage by definition is a relationship where a man supports a woman, he is called the "husband" because he guides and protects and cares for her and her children, done right this is an incredibly valuable service. Women therefore must provide something incredibly valuable to entice a man into doing this, and there's only three things she can provide to gain this kind of leverage - love, sex and children.
Children secure one man's investment but this is done at the cost of other potential husband options, because now she has baggage, and children require less support as they grow older so she loses this leverage over him eventually.
Sex has more value earlier in life, but as you age from 20s-30s-40s men get more attractive and women get less attractive, i.e. he gains options over time while she loses options over time, so she loses this leverage eventually too.
Love always has value, and the less she can entice him with sex or control him with children, the more she has to lovingly wife him to continue to receive his loving husbandry, because ultimately if she becomes truly unbearable he always has the nuclear option to withdraw his loving support and go explore younger, hotter options.
Dr Orion is eloquent and articulate. I learn a lot from his wisdom and feel grateful to apply that new knowledge in my relationships.
Ngl it feels like the woman should just stop being annoying.
A lot of men play in a verbal realm outside of what women play, and in the men's, there are rules, based on honor and mutual self-respect, that are not crossed. If they are crossed, there is the potential violence, or retribution in the face of disrespect. In the feminine realm, they do not fight as men do, and so they fight with their words. The depth of their verbal blade strikes deeper, and men are not used to such aggravation, such depth of personalized scorn, so they defend themselves (the spring trap Mr. Taraban spoke of). This spring trap, is your self-respect speaking up to retain your honor.
But you are a Man, you tame the world. They are a woman, and they tame you. So, be the fearless beast that you can be. There are no buttons on this beast, that's the job she plays, as your emotional gym coach, shadow boxing what you thought you already mastered.
It's just so much easier being single than going through such nonsense!
This is a great Video. This brings back painful memories which i have been enduring. My relationship of 5 years ended 3 months ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
I am sorry about what you have been through. I have been through something similar and was almost depressed, till I contacted a spiritual counselor who helped me get my ex back and hence my life back
Interesting. Who is this counsellor, and how do I meet the person?
Online, you'll find shelly renee white, revered for her expertise as a spiritual counsellor. She has the ability to reunite couples and promote holistic well-being.
Thanks a lot. I just did. Impressive.
bot comment chain, bot likes.
Understanding incubate and reflect can be good motivation because it doesn't just work negatively. Treat a non malicious woman with understanding, patience, and love in all situations and she will be a tenfold blessing in every area. The malicious ones - learn what you need to, prepare as you have to, then leave her.
Button pushing is solely reserved for those who have never been beaten the crap out of growing up. Hence, it’s usually the women
If she fights with you it’s because she doesn’t respect you. Case closed . Find someone else who’s more agreeable
Imagine living a life without conflict. So utopian
The new more agreeable woman may also in the future start to not respect you
@@arturmassa3600yes...see above.
Honestly... the message here is to listen intently and say nothing... I always ask a person "Do you want my advice or Do you need to vent"
@KJThePublicist "If you really love me you would know the answer"
@@trucid2🤣😂🎯
@@KJThePublicist if the alternative is only needing to vent, there’s no room for empathy there. Giving advice isn’t empathy either. It’s important for people to feel seen by just listening as another alternative. If people are always in drama mode asking them if they need to vent can be a useful reflector used sparingly though for sure.
I have learned to absolutely never ask this with my wife. That just redirects her wrath and headache at me for no gain. Instead make a command decision by thinking to yourself, "Is this important and actionable." If its both, its worth a fight. I explain to my wife that part of providing and protecting her is not always saying nice things. Than go about solving the dam problem. If its just important, just listen. If its just actionable, its not worth a fight. If it is neither than congratulations she's just bitching. In the military good command staff know it's a huge problem when the soldiers STOP bitching.
I've only ever encountered problems the minute I've committed emotionally and given them validation.
It's never happened whenever I've kept them at arm's length and refused to commit. Something to keep in mind when dealing with 'strong and independent' women who openly spout they don't need a man. 99.9% of them do not deserve commitment.
"Emotionally disequilbrated" What a wonderful phrase.
That should be "Emotionally disequilibrated" [forgot an 'i' ]
I use the phrase, "Ruffle the feathers".
The "emotional gym" is such a good metaphor to keep in mind. Your channel should be considered basic education for all men in the age of being in a relationship in today's society. Bless you.
Fundamentally, dealing with women is just like dealing with spoilt petulant children. It's exhausting.
Yes
This video explains something I have been very wrong about.
I was talking to my friend while his girlfriend was explaining the rules to a board game to a group. She turned to us and said to her boyfriend
"Why are you talking shit about me?"
"I wasn't". He said.
She goes on to say she heard him saying she doesn't know how to explain the rules properly and he calmly relaxed her and reassured her that she misheard him.
I used to think it was weak of him to tolerate her behavior. But now I realize that he is actually powerful in the relationship because she can't push his buttons.
"Just endure domestic abuse for the rest of your life, bro. It'll prepare you for the abuse you'll suffer outside."
lmao
Can't make this up 😂
I am old enough to remember a time when woman where adults and could be held accountable as such. I do not bother with them these days. Experience, divorce and time as emulsifier turned into wisdom and clarity. Never again.
Just imagine a "relationship" where one party has to constantly remain primed to subdue acts of disrespect, lest they lose their partner's love, while the _other_ party can behave in ways which are piteous and still be loved regardless. Not only that, the culture says the _other_ party is settling for less than their worth. A lot of men have to address the disrespect on an almost daily basis. I got so tired of doing it that I just gave up. It's like having to explain it to a 5 year old over and over and over.
....and then she starts to call you "ROBOT" and "BORING"; thus giving "rise" to another exponentially resilient button made from an amalgamation of the scar-tissue left from the other cauterized buttons.
This is a lot of coping. What about just realizing the woman is being toxic
"It's for you to decide where you take your lessons." 🔥🔥🔥
Can you take out the trash.
Thought” cant you see im doing x.”
Result a controlled distainfull “ok”
2 min later
“Fine ill take it out myself”
The restraint i have to muster to not go of the rails…
The struggle is real
Think of it as practice. Because real enemies would want to push your button too. To destroy you.
AKA.... maturity. Good advice in general here. I strive to maintain some level of detachment in my everyday living to avoid being reactive. Letting your emotions control you is one level of hell and generally counterproductive. That said, it's much easier said than done and requires constant vigilance.
Nah fuck that, if she doing that WAY TOO often then she gotta go. Sorry brother lol.
One of your best videos in a long time. Every man who heeds this advice will save himself a lot of grief.
Me, a super introvert, I don't talk period
Introverts are like: The only winning move is not to play.
Date mute women ;)
I'm also relatively introverted but it is most pronounced with strangers. It's really hard for me to make contact, get friends etc.
Women know everyone has a trigger. If you always tuck tail and don’t address that’s not solving it
You just have !🎉
@@dancarlson7257Why do I have to address what she already knows? Children need to be put in their place, not adult-children.
"why cant I have a moment of peace in my house" always pops into my head. I would appreciate it if you could go into detail on how to get rid of
particular "buttons"
Can't disagree with the wise words the good Dr. shared with us in this video. BUT... If being in relationship with a woman requires such extreme patience and self control in order to endure recurring and inevitable provocations, is it worth it? Is the juice worth all that squeezing?
...and this right here is the REAL question!
@@lukenielsen8397you will regret if you live with a woman and you will regret if you dont live with a woman.
I love the grounded reality of this channel!!!
Retirement took a toll on my finances, but with my involvement in the digital market, $47,000 weekly returns has been life changing. AWESOME GOD❤️
wow this awesome 👏 I'm 37 and have been looking for ways to be successful, please how??
Maria Angelina Alexander I really appreciate her efforts and transparency.
I remember giving her my first savings $20000 and she opened a brokerage account for me it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.
Wow...I know her too she is a licensed broker and a FINRA agent she is popular in
US and Canada she is really amazing woman with good skills and experience.
This is a definition of God's unending provisions for his people. God remains faithful to his words. I receive this for my household.🙏
Just got “the value of others” in the mail! Can’t wait to get into it.
See this is why I watch this channel despite hating most of the modern Manosphere. You do teach things that are inherently wise and not obvious.
Or, better yet, don't get with an ABCDE (Angry, Bossy, Combative, Disagreeable, and Emotional) woman in the first place. If she starts trying to press buttons, she's clearly bored and trying to create some drama and chaos. Punish her behaviour by withdrawing your attention and showing her the door. She's not your girl, its only your turn.
When she hits menopause, that will be all that will be left
@@knowledgeispower200 You're at the crossroads and there's two paths. You know which one you should take, you know which one will be better for you in the end. What's stopping you from taking that road and going to a better place? Don't make my mistake; 6 years with a bipolar, BPD, everything-i-do-is-wrong... I won't get those years back. Please man, look out for #1 (you).
@@knowledgeispower200 she obviously doesn't like you but can't leave you because of something you provide, e.g. maybe you pay the bills, or maybe she is hoping you give her kids and child support, or maybe she is hoping you giver her marriage and 50% of your assets plus alimony. Get out before the inevitable divorce court battle and child custody/parental alienation battle.
@@scuffeddeimosThose years were not wasted. You’ve learned A LOT!! Enough to give solid advice via direct experience😉.
@@shedparker I learned a whole playbook of red flags so you got a point!
This is really useful advice for all people. It’s amazing and a shame that most people in the comments don’t get it and refuse it. 😐
"turn the franchise around" 😂😅😅
Hat tip to the Bill Burr reference!
@@toony3000 I caught that too 😂
I disagree with this episode. Just don't play their games and refuse to engage. If your so tries to fight and nag, just let her go. Find someone emotionally mature who listens when you talk.
Respectfully, this isn’t reality. Even the most mature women will do these things. Even the most mature men have slips of self control. Obviously, don’t get in a relationship with a woman who has no emotional regulation.
The issue is, when she clearly does this because she craves drama and loves to make problems for herself.
To have the patience with her, like you would have to a child, is almost necessary.
But never tolerate it, when its because of the first reason. Leave as soon as possible, if possible.
You just described my marriage. I feel like a fucking chew toy.
@@definitelynotmyhandle
You cant change her. Even in the good times, when she is somehow "changing for the better", it last only as long, as she feels it. The moment it doesnt fit her, she snaps completely back to her usual unbearable self.
My advice, leave her, but do it with a good plan, because she will try to destroy your life. That will be her main goal.
And no, its not you who is the problem. She will behave this way with everyone.
This man gives great advice but the fact that the arguments are coming from boredom and the need to start drama is why no amount of mental kung fu is going to deter her. When she's committed to start an argument, she's going to find a way. You just have to let her keep shifting the goalpost until it becomes blatantly evident of how toxic she's acting.
@@diamondzflush6039 -- She needs the drama. Let her watch the TV shows that are specifically created to satisfy women's need for drama.
@@rayrwyr If they had enough self awareness to do that, we'd all be living in peace and harmony rather than endless tug of war.
Hell naw. Any drama = disrespect. "Toleration" days are done. 1. Shape up or 2. Get out. Peace > any woman.
Somehow, you manage to post a video on just the right topic, at the right time. Thank you!
Man this is the best video I've ever watched in my life. Thank you for uploading. I am grateful of you
Previous relationship, 7 years, didn't fight at all. This proves I don't need/want to fight.
Current relationship, 20 years, fight almost daily. Considering the above conclusion, this proves that she LOVES the drama of fighting.
Alas. I will not tolerate wrong-headedness, nor petty discourtesies, nor inaccuracies with the truth.
Basically, you got yourself a kid 😮
Ooga booga
women are children with breasts
Maybe that's what a woman evolved to be, to point out your weaknesses.
It will make you stronger after you address said weakness.
@@jehriasean6379 a woman is developed emotional to better relate to the children they birth not argue with a man
@@ikaustralia yeah but the way it is, if the woman is with you she is with you because you are more mature then her.
If it were the other way around she wouldn't be attracted to you.
So usually you will have to deal with an emotional immature woman.
Your videos are some of the most insightful on all of TH-cam. Thank you for your work sir. This video is a classic
100% NO! You have the right to BE safe in your own home. No "FEEL" safe. I mean be safe. Emotionally and mentally abuse is ABUSE and should be recognized as DV. DV is just cause of a separation and divorce.
Then you should work to overturn the Duluth Model. Where DV is only ever your fault. And you are solely responsible for all DV.
This video was right on time for me; especially the last part. We MUST be thankful for the weaknesses/deficiencies that the people closest to us point out through conflict. That is only an opportunity for us to be better men. Don’t shy away from conflict, the goal is not to repeat and fall into cycles.
This is the first episode that I dont agree with. To say that women provoke us just to make us stronger to the outside world is looong shot.
Simps adapt. Men walk away. Choose your poison.
Everything Dr Orion Taraban says is absolutely true, correct, well-thought-out and articulated. Also, every time I listen to Dr Orion Taraban, I get more and more convinced that women and men should never live together. Society should develop alternatives to cohabitation and especially marriage. Something allowing to have children, bring them up in a child-friendly way but avoid today's issues.
Met a woman once. Told her about my bad relationship with my dad. She brought it up when she was angry. I didnt respond bc i knew what she was doing. She got more upset 😂
😂
Eh, this may be good advice on a situational level, but I'd prefer not to date a woman who thinks she has the right to push my buttons in the first place.
This one hits home for me. I don't feel like I should be the guy to lose a button for respect, but I do understand the value of not getting easily triggered into rage by an intentionally narcissistic woman.
Thanks for providing ANOTHER LOGICAL REASON on why men can easily/confidently get committed into a marriage in significantly shorter time than with the relationship that preceded the current one. The previous relationship was where he learned where his buttons were and have effectively disabled them or where he is able to find another woman that try to push his buttons less frequently or less intentionally.
To paraphrase Jordan Peterson " All over two circles and a triangle " .
Four circles, actually.
All she’s trying to do is test your strength (mentally, emotionally) and be reassured that you can handle her attacks, as it gives her confidence that you can handle those harder things that life will throw at you (and her). Orion gets it right here. Once you know what she’s doing, it’s much easier to react to it constructively.
It doesn’t matter how you react to it. If you ignore her, then she’ll get pissed off because you were not listening to her. If you respond, then you’re still at fault. In some situation there is no winning.
Well, I never had such problems. My woman has abolutely zero interest in fighting with me. She thinks it is contraproductive, since we strive for the same goals.
Also, she gets whatever she wants anyways. She does so, by making sure all my needs are met first.
So yeah, no idea why other couples fight so much or at all. It is pointless. If your woman wants a fight, lay down the law. If she doesn't get it, kick her out. You don't have time for this.
My beautiful man is so chill and calm. We never fight in any hurtful way and have lots of snuggles, laugh and peace. I think it helps to not have kids and enough money.
My personal reason is because 9 times out of 10 times, they make no sense but DEMAND to be agreed with.
Any sense I make goes over their heads, and the responses are record-breaking dumn.
A wise man once said that you can't use logic to bring someone out of a situation that logic didn't get them in.
I can't argue in emotions, that's just yapping. And I sure as hell won't agree to anything with anyone who doesn't know anything about anything😊.
Silence is the best answer.
Because it's emotional and not logical expression, empathy is the best response to "nonsense", and "silent" empathy; showing her I understand her feelings, regardless of any judgements I might have about what she just said; is the easiest trick I've found to avoid escalation from nonsense into conflict.
@@ManBearPiglet Women lack empathy for us. It's a known fact. Why should I not direct my empathy to those more grateful and/or deserving.
OP even said once that a woman is most happy when her man is suffering because of her. Let that sink in. Your empathy will be used against you EVERY TIME you're "needed".
The Internet and media is full of women responding to male problems, divorse court r*** testimonies, and men who hit bad luck sharing their women's reactions.
Also, pretending to empathise to get laid is not the same as empathy😉. Remove sex from the equation and you're voluntarily carrying the burden of a virtue signaling, unaccountable, unapologetic and entitled narcissistic CHILD. Good luck with that, I'll pass😇.
from what I'm gathering it seems like the Doc took the chance to read his book for his Audible version AND record content for his channel. 2 birds, 1 stone. Smart man doc. Thanks.
Thoughts turn into emotions but emotions turn into thoughts too.
My greatest teacher, gas lighting, manipulation and my masculine role unknowingly given away to a domineering wife.
I have graduated from high school to masters degree in the emotional arena, working on my PhD currently before the divorce is final.
Next relationship the woman wont ever know what I went through and how I became so centered.
I read "suckered" "fight" "women" and thought we'd be learning some submissions or something
😂
Physiological submissions!